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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,800
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,480
All right, there's your wee bag.
You take it easy, thank you, sir.
You.
3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,600
You're the young fella that came
all over my lake.
4
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,240
Hello.
5
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,040
You killed seven of my ducks feeding
them your jism, you know that?
6
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,200
Seven.
7
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:16,880
I'll tell you what.
8
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,080
You come near my swan again
9
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,040
and I'll show you how deep that lake
goes, OK?
10
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,040
You should be on a list,
you know that?
11
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,280
Yeah.
12
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,920
DOG BARKS
13
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,640
Oh, sorry.
14
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:01,920
Hiya.
15
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,120
Uh, you're just heading
into my home there.
16
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,319
Aye, you have a gas leak.
17
00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,680
You'll need to stay somewhere else.
18
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,840
Can I get my stuff, at least?
19
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:10,120
I've got it for you.
20
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,360
OK.
How long do you reckon it'll take?
21
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,640
I'm not a clock, mate,
I just fix the leak.
22
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,520
DOOR SLAMS
23
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,440
Oh...
24
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,960
SLOW, SAD HARMONICA MUSIC
25
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,479
Yeah, so the gas company said
it's going to be five days
26
00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,039
before it's safe to go back.
27
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:48,360
So I've literally
nowhere to go at the minute.
28
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,840
I'd actually love to let you stay
29
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,479
but my old man is finally tying the
knot with my old man this weekend
30
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:58,200
and the stag party have dibs
on all the couches, so.
31
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:01,760
Double the grooms,
32
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,080
double the fucking carnage.
33
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,080
There you go, love.
Thanks, darling.
34
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,520
Why don't you stay at Lorcan's?
35
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,039
I'd rather not.
36
00:02:09,039 --> 00:02:10,600
Why?
37
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,400
Um...
38
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,040
You know, in France, they call
it la petite mort.
39
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,560
In England, we call it bumming.
40
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,400
Oh, well, thank the King, God
and Queen for bumming, hey.
41
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:29,840
CALLUM CLEARS HIS THROAT
42
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,320
Oh, God, I forgot you were there.
43
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,720
Come on in.
44
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,320
Stay as long as you need.
45
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:36,800
Thank you very much.
46
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,720
You look really well, Callum.
47
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,000
As you know, it's a full-fat house.
48
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,920
If you want to bring your own
semi-skimmed in,
49
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,320
that's more than all right.
50
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,960
Chicken dippers are in the freezer.
51
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,200
Help yourself.
52
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,079
And, yeah, that's everything.
53
00:02:54,079 --> 00:02:55,600
Thank you, Lorcs.
54
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,760
Just want to say thank you so much
for giving me Lorcan's number.
55
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,880
Things are going incredible.
56
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,560
Yeah, I'm absolutely delighted
for both of you.
57
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,280
I almost feel a pressure
in my head from how happy I am.
58
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,240
Fuck! He is just so gorgeous.
59
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,480
Well, I'm absolutely buzzing.
60
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,040
See the fun we're going
to have this week,
61
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,600
just me, you, Gemma and my dad.
62
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,120
One of yous call
the gobshite police,
63
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,240
I think we have a runner
on the loose.
64
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,320
Hello, Mr Boggin.
65
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,320
Thank you very much for letting me
stay the week.
66
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:30,760
Fuck off, you wee creep.
67
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,920
Absolutely will.
68
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,760
What's this wee girl's fanny pack
doing here?
69
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,240
Er, that's mine.
70
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:43,120
Real men use ropes in their
own blistered hands to lug things.
71
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,720
None of this shite.
72
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,800
Right, well, me and Gemma, we're
away to do mummy and daddy stuff,
73
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,320
so we'll leave you boys to it,
all right?
74
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,920
Bye-bye, Cally.
75
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,560
Are you going to stand there
gawping all day
76
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,520
or are you going to help me shovel
horse shit for five hours?
77
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,120
Can I just check my laptop?
78
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,360
No.
79
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,040
Out you go, come on! Hup, hup!
80
00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:18,399
Callum, pet.
81
00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:19,720
Yes, Mary?
82
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,600
You couldn't do me a wee favour
could you?
83
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,520
What is it this time, Mary?
84
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,960
I'm just finished
and I'm absolutely exhausted.
85
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,240
I've got an eight-hour shift
coming up.
86
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,040
I was wondering if you'd want it.
87
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,280
When is it?
88
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,800
Right now, love.
89
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,840
Och, I know,
90
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:36,440
I hate to ask,
91
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,880
it's just my daddy's in the hospital
with gallstones
92
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,080
and I don't trust them
to give him his kosher meals.
93
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,880
I didn't actually know
you were Jewish.
94
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,520
Oh, aye, we're Catholic Jews.
95
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:48,800
I see.
96
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,480
And how old is your dad?
97
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,880
113.
98
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,000
Right. And you don't know how long
you have them at that age.
99
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,120
Yeah.
100
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,440
Please, Callum.
101
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,360
Well, what do I always say, Mary?
102
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,360
Apart from my time,
my mental energy
103
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,680
and sometimes my literal money,
104
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,200
it costs nothing to be kind.
105
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,800
Ah, you're a wee star, Callum!
106
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,280
SHE LAUGHS
107
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,000
And don't I bleeding know it.
108
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,080
Hey, just cos I'm doing
wedding stuff
109
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,480
doesn't mean you can ignore me.
110
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,680
I'm not ignoring you, I've just,
I've been at work,
111
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,159
and I've been
helping Lorcan's dad on the farm.
112
00:05:35,159 --> 00:05:38,240
Why? Lorcan's dad's the biggest
bastard in Ballymacnoose.
113
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,640
Oh, I know he is,
114
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,840
but whilst I'm living under
his roof, I don't have much choice.
115
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,440
You know once locked me in
the chicken coop with crazy Kenny?
116
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:47,920
Who's crazy Kenny?
117
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:52,120
Imagine Jaws, but with a man-eating
cockerel instead of a shark.
118
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,480
Jesus, Jordan.
119
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,240
Yeah, I pissed my pants
hard that day.
120
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,400
Hey, did you get the T-shirt
I sent you?
121
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,400
Yeah, I did, it's...
122
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,480
It's honestly great.
123
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,320
I love it. Good.
124
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,800
I hope it makes up for me not
letting you stay over.
125
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,400
I don't want you to do a
Johnny McGormley on me, Callum.
126
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,960
I've already told you before,
that's never going to happen.
127
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,520
Who borrows someone's PSP
and then never gives it back?
128
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,560
Agreed, but you've got a PS5 now.
129
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,120
Yeah, but the portability of the PSP
130
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,880
offered a totally different
way to play.
131
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,600
I know it did.
132
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,360
It's hard not to have trust issues
when someone betrays you like that.
133
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,400
I'm never going to betray
you, Jordan. If you say so.
134
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,560
Just make sure you reply
to all my texts, OK?
135
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,880
I will, I will.
136
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,880
Like, do you want to hang
out tomorrow?
137
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,200
I can't. It's my daddies' stag do.
138
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,680
But you get some rest.
139
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,360
You sound really flat and miserable.
140
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,720
Yeah, yeah.
141
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,760
I kind of feel
like my general kindness
142
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,400
is being taken advantage of.
143
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,560
Like today, Lorcan... Bye, Cal.
144
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:49,600
Hello?
145
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,640
Jordan?
146
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,400
Ugh...
147
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,480
KNOCKING
148
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,360
GIRL GROANS
149
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,760
BOY GRUNTS
150
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,440
Oh!
151
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,520
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
152
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,720
What the fuck?!
It just got even bigger!
153
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,320
Fuck it.
154
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,960
SLOW HARMONICA MUSIC
155
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,800
Ah, will you look who it is.
156
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,000
The wee creep himself,
157
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,760
creeping about.
158
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,680
Sorry for interrupting you,
Mr Boggin,
159
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,159
that was quite
a tune you were tooting.
160
00:07:57,159 --> 00:07:58,200
Aye.
161
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,400
I like to play to calm them.
162
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,120
I have a connection to the horses.
163
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,400
Something to do
with their animalistic nature.
164
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,360
Something to do with the way
they're able to shite everywhere
165
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,920
and not apologise for it.
166
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,400
Or could just be that our bollocks
167
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,000
are all the exact same size.
168
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:22,760
Something funny?
169
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,840
Oh, absolutely not, Mr Boggin.
170
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,520
What are you doing out here?
171
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,280
I was just strolling to clear
the noodle.
172
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,760
Um, Lorcan and Gemma, they're quite
173
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,320
rigorous with the copulating
right now.
174
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,400
Aye. As is the custom with a Boggin.
175
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,320
Yeah, well, me and Gemma,
176
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,720
we had a bit of
a relationship before.
177
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,280
So you don't like to hear the sound
of another man's cock
178
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,920
rifling into a filly you
once held dear?
179
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,920
It is a little bit devastating.
180
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:54,680
Now my body just wants to let out a
wee scream sometimes, like,
181
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,320
aaargh.
182
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,720
So...
183
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,840
Aye, I know the feeling.
184
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,280
Really?
185
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,840
I know what it's like to
be different.
186
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,920
To feel like you just...
187
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,840
..don't belong.
188
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,680
Massive Balls Sammy, they called me.
189
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,680
I had testicles twice as large as
the average 13-year-old boy.
190
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:31,920
Ha!
191
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,720
That was BEFORE puberty hit.
192
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,720
There were eight times larger by
the end of the school year.
193
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,000
Jesus Christ.
194
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,920
Aye, they had their fun.
195
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,840
Slapping them with rulers
196
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,320
and prank calling the police to say
197
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,640
that I'd concealed bombs
in my trousers.
198
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,600
I could handle it...
199
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,240
..until I couldn't.
200
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:58,520
It was the under-15s ballroom
dancing squad tryouts.
201
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,040
Tight routines
and even tighter sequins.
202
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,760
I attempted a chasse reverse turn
203
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,560
with a foxtrot fishtail
204
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,040
into a running finish.
205
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,160
I was halfway down the gallery
before I realised that my balls
206
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,400
had exploded out the back
of my apple bottoms.
207
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,360
A ballroom with no room
for my balls.
208
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,560
I learned a harsh lesson that night.
209
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,240
Bastards rule the world,
Callum Brown.
210
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,240
The sooner you realise that,
the sooner you can start grabbing it
211
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,800
by the big, hairy bollocks.
212
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,320
BELL RINGS
213
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,120
Hi, how's it going?
214
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,240
Yeah, good.
215
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,520
Do you want me to double bag
these fishes for you?
216
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,000
Yeah, as long as you don't cum
all over them.
217
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,400
No, I'll not do that.
218
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,080
You're a pervert, you know that?
219
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,160
Sick little man,
that's what you are.
220
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,920
Tell you what, I'm just going to be
two seconds.
221
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,960
I'm just going to check where
everyone is. Yeah, yeah.
222
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,360
Don't forget to wash after.
223
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,920
Sorry, sorry.
224
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,680
Um, sorry, folks,
225
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,360
I don't think yous are supposed
to be on your break just yet.
226
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,840
I know, I'm not on my break.
227
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,520
I'm working away, la.
228
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,960
Right.
229
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,720
Would yous mind helping me
out in there instead?
230
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,160
Can I smoke in there?
231
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,280
I think you know the answer
to that one already, Mary.
232
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,680
Callum, I have arthritis
233
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,440
and I need CBD oil from this.
234
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,320
So I think I'll just stay here.
235
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,760
Yeah, and I've "autofreggerscave",
Callum.
236
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,320
Tony, can you stop encouraging her?
237
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,800
Fuck off.
238
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,880
I am 75 years old, like.
239
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,480
Fuck's sake.
240
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,000
Doesn't matter what age you are,
Mary, you're being cheeky.
241
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,080
And you're being a sad fucking loser
that nobody likes
242
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,880
and nobody invites for a drink
after work.
243
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,120
So I guess we've all got
our problems.
244
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,320
THEY SUPPRESS LAUGHTER
245
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,440
Bastards rule the world,
Callum Brown.
246
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,920
Start grabbing it
by the big, hairy bollocks.
247
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,440
You're fired.
248
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,200
What?
249
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,720
Do you need me to wait for you to
put your hearing aid in
250
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,360
or will I just say it a bit louder?
251
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,680
You're fired, Mary!
252
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,920
I've worked here for 50 years!
253
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,680
I don't give a flying frig,
you wobbly tart.
254
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,680
And see yous two,
255
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,920
you can get back into that
shop pronto!
256
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,480
Get!
257
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,920
HE SIGHS
258
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,480
MR BOGGIN: How was work?
259
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,960
It's good.
260
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,960
Real good. I thought it might be.
261
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,800
I noticed you didn't clean
your cereal bowl this morning.
262
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,720
I knew something had begun to shift.
263
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,480
Some other frigger can clean it.
264
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,400
I took the liberty of throwing
all your clothes in the bin.
265
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,440
They were a bit too...nice
for my liking.
266
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:24,000
Meet me outside the barn in five.
267
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,200
Definitely an improvement.
268
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,160
We'll make a bastard out of you yet.
269
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,160
Thank you, Mr Boggin.
270
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,040
You can call me Sammy.
271
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,800
COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS
272
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,080
PHONE RINGS
273
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,960
Callum. Callum, why aren't you
returning my calls?
274
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,960
I really hope you're not
275
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,000
going through any personality
changes right now.
276
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,960
COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES
277
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,920
WHIP CRACKS
278
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,520
WHIP CRACKS
279
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,880
Well, I see you're getting along
with the old fella.
280
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,200
Yeah, we're heading up Clondal
Cemetery tomorrow on our quad bikes.
281
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,960
Going to tear that shit up.
282
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,240
He's a good man, your da.
283
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,480
I wouldn't go that far now.
284
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,200
You got something you want to
say to me, big man?
285
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,400
Lorcey, don't.
286
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,480
There'll come a day when you're
faced with a fork in the path, hey.
287
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,960
One the path of the good lad,
288
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,000
and one the path of the total...
CALLUM SCOFFS
289
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,200
Callum Brown, listen to me.
290
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,840
One the path of the total
and utter bastard.
291
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,200
And let me tell you, hey,
292
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,440
one's got a
lot more potholes in there.
293
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,880
I did my time in nice-guy prison.
294
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,120
I ain't never going back.
295
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,720
This ain't you, mucker.
296
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,360
This is me.
297
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:38,400
You know what?
298
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,080
You're just jealous of my boots.
299
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,760
I mean, they are fucking hot,
to be fair.
300
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,000
Whose boots do you think
you have on?
301
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,120
Enjoy your wee chicken nuggets.
302
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,400
They're dippers!
303
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,960
I know what I said.
304
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,680
Eh!
305
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,280
DOOR CLOSES
He's acting really weird, isn't he?
306
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,400
HE EXHALES SHARPLY
307
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,400
HE SIGHS
308
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,640
TEXT ALERT
309
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,960
MULTIPLE TEXT ALERTS
310
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,120
WOMAN SOBS
311
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,880
Fuck me, who died?
312
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,680
It's Mary, Callum.
313
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,880
Huh? She had a wee accident.
314
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,680
She got battered to death.
315
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,680
She wasn't battered to death, Tony.
316
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,160
She started a fight with a group
of 14-year-olds
317
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,040
and they accidentally
one-punch killed her.
318
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,960
Frig's sake,
Mary, what have you done?
319
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,360
Aye, it turns out this job was the
only thing
320
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,680
keeping aul Mary out of trouble.
321
00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,320
Listen, Callum,
I don't want you feeling bad.
322
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,040
You couldn't have known when
you fired her
323
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,400
that she'd be murdered by
a 14-year-old.
324
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,359
Nah, of course not, like.
She was taking the mick, Mildred,
325
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,119
vaping at the tills,
telling lies about her da.
326
00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:11,480
Oh, poor man.
327
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,400
No father should lose their child.
328
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,560
He's alive?
329
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,480
Oh, aye, 113.
330
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,040
Incredible Catholic-Jewish genes.
331
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,920
I guess she would have lived
as long too, if it hadn't
332
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:26,240
been for that single deadly punch
she received after you sacked her.
333
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,720
HE GROANS
334
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,760
I... No...
335
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,920
Mildred, I literally don't
care at all. So...
336
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,000
SHE GASPS
337
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,000
You know, I used to think
338
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,920
you were such a lovely
wee sensitive lad,
339
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,280
soft as a lump of butter.
340
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,400
Well, how wrong I was.
341
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,480
Yeah.
342
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,880
Aye, very wrong.
343
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,000
BELT BUCKLE JINGLES
344
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,120
What's happening
with your buckle there?
345
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,840
HE GRUNTS
346
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,840
Here, Mildred,
347
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,560
I'm going to take lunch early.
348
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,240
You want to hold down the fort
till I'm back?
349
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,720
Nice one.
350
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,800
See yous later.
351
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:07,360
PHONE RINGS
352
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,040
RECORDING: This is
Callum Brown's phone.
353
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,640
Please leave me a message
354
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,640
after the doot.
355
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,640
BEEP
356
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,520
Are you ready, big lad?
357
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,360
HE SIGHS
358
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,360
We've got a problem, Daddy.
359
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,640
I think you're going to
have to postpone your wedding.
360
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,680
Uh, why?
361
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:25,160
Well, because the one thing I've
learned over the past few days...
362
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,840
Jordan, we are not
postponing our wedding.
363
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,400
I need to stop Callum from doing
a Johnny McGormley on me.
364
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,640
Please!
365
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,760
Just be back before the reception,
OK?
366
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,600
OK. No problem.
367
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,000
Callum?
368
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,880
Callum!
369
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,160
Callum?
370
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,320
Don't worry about that.
371
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,960
He outgrew them.
372
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,720
Mr Boggin. Oh, shit.
373
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,960
Just back from your first
Holy Communion,
374
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,120
is it, Mr Pissy Pants?
375
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,440
Maybe you didn't get
the memo, but I stopped doing
376
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,360
that a very long time ago.
377
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,920
Oh, did you now?
378
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,600
Let's see if I can't fix that.
379
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,640
Right, come on.
380
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,000
Out you go. Hup!
381
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,880
Oh, fucking hell.
382
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,680
Please, Mr Boggin.
383
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,560
Crazy Kenny doesn't like little boys
in his coop.
384
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,680
CHICKEN CLUCKS
385
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,680
Oh! Oh, fuck!
386
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,120
Ah, just in time.
387
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,640
Callum?
388
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,200
Why are you dressed like a...
Bastard?
389
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:57,440
I was going to say a paedophile
from the '90s but, yeah, a bastard.
390
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,400
Yeah, I'm a bastard now, J-Man.
391
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,400
And bastards rule the world.
392
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,360
You've changed, Cal.
393
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,600
I frigging knew I couldn't leave
you to your own thoughts.
394
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,080
Here, quick,
let's stuff him in the coop.
395
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,160
Kenny's getting hungry. Oh, God!
CHICKEN CLUCKS
396
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,600
JORDAN WHIMPERS
397
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,600
Callum, please!
398
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,200
Sorry. Please.
I don't like that chicken!
399
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,840
CHICKEN CLUCKS
400
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,840
Oh, God!
401
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,800
Callum! Callum, Callum.
402
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:22,880
What?!
403
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,600
My daddy's wedding was supposed to
be the best day of my life
404
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,720
and now it's turned into the worst.
405
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,400
Please, help me.
406
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,640
This is just who I am now, J-Man.
407
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,040
I've been rebaptised a bastard
in the eyes of Christ.
408
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,120
And nothing's going to change it!
409
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,320
Nothing! No!
410
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,320
CHICKEN CLUCKS
411
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,360
No!
412
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,360
CHICKEN SQUAWKS
413
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,640
Oh, my God. Jordan...
414
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,560
I had, like,
five Shloers this morning
415
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,360
when we were trying on our suits.
416
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,360
Jordan, I'm sorry... Get off!
417
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:54,520
MR BOGGIN LAUGHS
418
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,560
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
419
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,440
He pissed his pants
and you're not even smirking.
420
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,000
Don't tell me you've gone soft.
421
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,920
No, Mr Boggin,
422
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,080
I haven't gone soft.
423
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,480
I think I was just soft all along.
424
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,040
MELANCHOLY HARMONICA PLAYS
425
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,560
MUFFLED POP MUSIC
426
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,160
Oh, I think a ghost just walked up.
427
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,360
Cos you're dead to me.
428
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,200
I deserve that, I do.
429
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,640
Jordan, your trousers.
430
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,200
Yeah.
431
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,480
Somebody made me piss myself.
432
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,560
Guess who?
433
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,160
Jordan, I'm sorry.
434
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,520
Look, if I had a time machine,
435
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,560
I wouldn't use it to go
back and stop Hitler
436
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,120
or win the Thunderball.
437
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,280
I'd use it to go back and stop
myself from acting
438
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,920
so heinously towards you lately.
439
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,680
Yeah. And if ifs and buts were candy
and nuts,
440
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,800
we'd all have a merry Christmas,
Callum.
441
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,640
I've got wedding stuff to be getting
on with.
442
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,000
I'll see you later.
443
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,280
Yeah. Guess I'll just play
444
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,040
the PlayStation by myself out here.
445
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:29,520
Yeah, PlayStation in
the Parish Hall car park.
446
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,160
Either you're a fucking
idiot or you have
447
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,720
the world's longest extension lead.
448
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,520
Yeah.
449
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,720
Or the PlayStation is...portable.
450
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,560
Bought it today.
451
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,920
But look, if you're busy, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
452
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,920
I just thought since
Johnny McGormley borrowed yours
453
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,600
and never gave it back,
you might want to...
454
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,400
Yeah. No, it's all good.
455
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:56,760
Wait.
456
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,080
Maybe I could play for,
like, five minutes.
457
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,960
Do you have
Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops?
458
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,280
Yeah.
459
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:07,800
I do.
460
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,960
I've also got an illegal MP4
461
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,160
of Transformers:
Revenge Of The Fallen.
462
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,160
That is literally my favourite film.
463
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:18,880
I know it is, buddy.
464
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,000
THEY CHUCKLE
52183
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