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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,720
This programme contains very
strong language, adult humour,
and some scenes of a sexual nature
2
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,440
There's just something special
about our wee country.
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,360
From the people to the places
and the craic in between,
4
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,160
Northern Ireland is changing.
5
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,400
But don't worry, you can still get
yourself a cowboy supper
6
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,040
and a pint any time you fancy.
7
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:18,880
So, why not come and join the fun?
8
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:20,200
Cheers!
9
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,280
HE SIGHS
10
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,720
Northern Ireland -
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00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,440
it's actually quite nice.
12
00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,000
Hey, Cal. Yeah, Gerry man?
13
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,760
I think the TV is making me
want to kill myself again.
14
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,160
Thank you, buddy.
No problem.
15
00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,080
You boys OK for bevvies?
16
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,560
Suppose silence is as good
an answer as any, aye.
17
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,440
Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.
18
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,880
Mm.
19
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,280
Life don't get much better
than this, does it, boys? Mm-mm.
20
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,640
Nope.
21
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:22,840
Who-can-drink-the-most race.
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00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,000
Go!
23
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,440
Oh, my God!
24
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,400
THEY GULP
25
00:01:36,479 --> 00:01:37,960
Whisht.
26
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,240
Oh, my God.
A girl in Ballymacnoose?
27
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,360
A girl, all right.
28
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:48,039
And with real catwalk elegance,
too, hey.
29
00:01:48,039 --> 00:01:50,520
Walks like she's got an orange
between thon legs.
30
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,120
OK, let's just calm
down a bit, boys.
31
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,680
She's probably just lost.
32
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,200
Shit.
33
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,800
I've got to get that bus in a
minute.
34
00:02:09,039 --> 00:02:12,040
BALER WHIRS
35
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,240
Wow.
36
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,160
What's this bit of kit?
37
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,200
VOICE CRACKING: This is a...this is
a baler.
38
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,640
So it crushes boxes to reduce
physical volume of waste.
39
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,000
LAUGHING: Oh...
40
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,360
That's funny.
41
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,760
Yeah, you're actually supposed
to fold the boxes,
42
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,000
but sometimes I just slip in...
43
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,680
Oh...
44
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,480
Whoops.
45
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,480
SHE LAUGHS
46
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,360
Have you ever lay on top of someone
and just...
47
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,079
stared in their face?
48
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,400
Whoa!
49
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,400
BALER WHIRS
50
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:58,680
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
51
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,000
LAUGHING: Oh, my God.
52
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,160
Callum, why's our plans for the
weekend not been done already?
53
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,280
HE GIGGLES
54
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,240
HE MUTTERS
55
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:10,440
What the heck?
56
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,720
Who's Gemma?
57
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:16,000
It's absolutely none of your damn
bee wax, J-Dog.
58
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,320
OK, we need to have a chat
about boundaries,
59
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,400
cos yours are really starting
60
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,000
to get in the way of our
friendship, Callum.
61
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,680
Give me my phone back.
62
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,360
I'll explain,
but you have to promise
63
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,360
not to have one of your episodes
again.
64
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,440
I promise.
65
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,360
Yeah.
66
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,520
Gemma is my girl, boys.
67
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,120
HE LAUGHS
68
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,720
And I'm seeing her this weekend.
69
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,840
OK, so she's coming here
to play Star Clash.
70
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,400
No.
71
00:03:48,079 --> 00:03:50,760
HE STRAINS AND MOANS
72
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,480
HE FARTS
73
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,640
OK.
74
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,800
OK, I think that's him
tuckered now.
75
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:05,960
Yeah. There we go.
76
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,240
Thanks again, guys.
77
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,360
Er, absolute benefit
to the community.
78
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,960
Cheers. Jordan McCafferty,
what will we do with you now?
79
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,240
Aye, get you up. Come on.
80
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,200
There we go.
81
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,120
Flip me.
Right, now.
82
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,200
Right...
83
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,400
Get that down your belly.
84
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,280
That'll get you warm.
85
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:29,760
Right...
Talk to me, buster.
86
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,160
I'm just worried.
87
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,800
You have no idea
what you're getting yourself into.
88
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,520
You have no need to worry about me,
Jordan.
89
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,920
Oh, yeah? And what happens
when you get postnut depression?
90
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,120
What's postnut depression?
What?
91
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,440
Lorcan...
92
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,120
I believe it's when you shoot
cum from your cock
93
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,640
and it makes you sad.
94
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,280
I don't want that for you, Callum.
95
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,240
Ah! Yeah, I can see what's
happening here.
96
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,960
HE LAUGHS
97
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,800
Jordan McCafferty,
98
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,240
you're jealous.
99
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:58,560
Jealous?
Mm-hm.
100
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,120
Sorry, Callum, but I saw enough
boobs and ass
101
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,040
when I was on that
family holiday in Portugal.
102
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,760
No harm to you.
103
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,080
More than jealous.
104
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,720
What you are is a gynophobe.
105
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,360
Well, I don't even
know what that is.
106
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,000
Means you're scared of vaginas.
107
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,320
Scared of vaginas?!
108
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,280
Yeah. Sorry, have you seen
my search history?
109
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,120
Yeah, I have actually, Jordan.
110
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,320
And it's absolutely dizzying.
111
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:22,080
Honestly, it's a testament to how
us boys have got it all wrong.
112
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,040
They say women are from Venus.
113
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,240
Well, I met one,
114
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,680
and we weren't on no Venus, boys.
115
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,880
We were right
outside McMullen's shop.
116
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,760
And she didn't speak no alien
gobbledegook language, either, boys,
117
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,159
let me tell you.
118
00:05:35,159 --> 00:05:37,240
I understood her.
119
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,600
Not just with my ears...
120
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,040
..with my heart.
121
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,440
You're talking like a massive pussy.
122
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,960
Ach, Jordan, now. That's exactly
what I'm talking about, Jordan.
123
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,280
And you cum like a girl.
124
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:49,520
Jordan! What?!
125
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,880
You've went too far with
that one, now.
126
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,120
No, he hasn't, Lorcan.
127
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,800
It's cos it's not true.
128
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,000
He hasn't.
129
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,960
Ah, well, no.
O... Obviously, it's not true,
130
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,320
because, eh,
Callum cums like a boy.
131
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,120
Always saying that about you.
132
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,000
DEEP VOICE: He wishes.
133
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,800
Excuse the lang right now,
but I am sick of your damn...
134
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,320
HIGH-PITCHED: ..guff!
135
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:12,640
HE COUGHS
136
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,720
THEY INHALE AND EXHALE DEEPLY
137
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,800
Jordan...
Let him go, Lorcs.
138
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:21,920
Let him go.
139
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,120
SHOUTS: I'm the one with the voice,
can you not hear?
140
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,840
Well, congrats on getting
a girlfriend.
141
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,320
HE LAUGHS
142
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,320
Yeah. Thank you, Lorcs.
143
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,520
That's what I wanted.
144
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,360
No, no, no, no, one of these.
Come on.
145
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,720
Ah!
146
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,680
CALLUM LAUGHS
147
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,120
Come on.
148
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,440
Oh.
149
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,560
Listen,
we can't be babies for ever, Lorcan.
150
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,840
LORCAN FLAPS LIPS
151
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,200
Jordan will be fine.
152
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,400
I'm going to fucking kill myself!
153
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,160
Don't do it, son.
154
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,720
You've so much to live for.
155
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,400
So much to live for?
156
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,680
24 years old
157
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,160
and I've never seen a pussy
in real life.
158
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,000
The one time of the week
I felt good about myself,
159
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,880
sitting down with my two best boys,
160
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,960
cracking open
a Monster Tropi Punch,
161
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,320
safe in the knowledge
that neither of them
162
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,320
saw a pussy in real life either.
163
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,240
So, tell me, Mary, what in the
hot hell do I have to live for?
164
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,720
Tell my family I don't want them
touching any of my organs.
165
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,000
It's so crazy that you've never
had coffee before.
166
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,080
I'm a bit sensitive
to the old substances.
167
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,360
Erm, had a Tetley's once
and felt like I was on crack.
168
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:43,880
THEY LAUGH
169
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,200
I would never do the actual crack,
though.
170
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,400
That'd be a nightmare.
171
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,240
Yeah, yeah, I...I have nightmares.
172
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,640
Like, literally all the time.
173
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,920
I'm...I'm screaming in my sleep
every night. Oh, really?
174
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,600
Yeah. You say some stuff sometimes,
you really do.
175
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,400
This is me, so...
176
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,240
HE FLAPS LIPS
177
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,360
Let's see...
178
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,800
Erm...
179
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,920
What is all that?
That's embarrassing.
180
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,760
Erm, I had a list of questions,
181
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,880
but my hyperhidrosis
has got the better of me.
182
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,560
Ruined the page.
183
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,920
It's like a...an ocean
in the palm of your hand.
184
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,160
And I am so, so...
WHISPERS: ..sorry about it.
185
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:37,400
KISSES SQUEAK
186
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,480
THEY LAUGH
187
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,240
Wow. Wow.
188
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:44,880
You've got soft lips. Sh...
189
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,160
HE GIGGLES
190
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,480
ENGLISH ACCENT: That was tasty.
191
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,280
Tasty.
192
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:54,760
I've got some balloons inside
that need using...if you fancy it.
193
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,520
Erm...
What do you say?
194
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,400
LAUGHING: That...
195
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,400
PHONE VIBRATES
196
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,240
Yeah? Oh...
Getting a phone call.
197
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,600
Better take it first and then...
Who is it?
198
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:05,520
Hello?
199
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,760
I'm going to need you to get
to Jordan's ASAP.
200
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,720
What's going on there, Lorcs?
201
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,760
He's, eh, he's only gone and
jumped off McCluskey's Bridge.
202
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,080
He's what?!
203
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:17,120
McCluskey's Bridge?
That bridge is over water, Lorcan.
204
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:20,320
Jordan can't swim
without his water wings.
205
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,280
Did he have his water wings?
206
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,960
I don't know, Callum.
OK, right.
207
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,600
OK, Gemma,
my best pal's in trouble,
208
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,320
and I need to go get him.
209
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,760
Really?
I have to. I have to, Gem. Erm...
210
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:41,720
"If you're reading this, I've
already crossed the Rainbow Bridge.
211
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,440
"I've carried on up the Khyber,
whence I shan't return.
212
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,960
"I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost.
213
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,520
"But even in darkness,
I hope my story can be a light,
214
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:56,520
"a cautionary tale of what happens
when your friends betray you.
215
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,840
"Thanks a lot, Callum.
You killed me."
216
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,840
Are you done?
217
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,040
It's a first draught, so...
218
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,040
Yeah. I thought you drowned.
219
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,720
Yeah. If you don't break up
with her,
220
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,040
I honestly can't promise I'll
not do it again.
221
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,720
KNOCK AT DOOR
222
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,200
Don't mind me, gents.
223
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,960
There you go, Jordie-bum.
224
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,640
All right, fellas?
Hiya.
225
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,400
Sure we can't get you anything?
No. No, thank you.
226
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,080
No, thank you.
227
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,360
Do you want owt else, Jordie?
228
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,000
I'm fine, Daddies!
229
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,240
Can't get a lick of sympathy
from anybody in this bloody house.
230
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,400
Come here.
231
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,680
I know. I know, this is
a trying time, Jordan,
232
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,400
but I really like this girl.
233
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,640
I've only known her two days,
234
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:47,720
and I'm already having intense
feelings of love and devotion.
235
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,880
I think she might be the one,
Gemma.
236
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,040
And if that ain't a good sign,
then staple my cock to my arse
237
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:55,840
and call me a trumpet.
238
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,520
Toot, toot, toot.
239
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,120
See, if either of you boys
went out with her instead,
240
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,440
I'd be as happy as a dog
with two dicks -
241
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:08,600
happy at least one of us
got to meet a real-life angel.
242
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,520
I tell you, only an angel could be
fit for a king.
243
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,880
HE LAUGHS
244
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,000
Right. What do you say, mucker?
245
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,960
Will we give this little lady
a chance?
246
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,400
Maybe jumping off that bridge
to kill myself
247
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,040
was a little bit of an overreaction.
248
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,600
THEY LAUGH
249
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,000
Hug it out, bro?
250
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,920
Best friends again. Best friends.
251
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,720
HE LAUGHS
252
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,560
Ah.
253
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,640
That's good.
254
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,640
HE EXHALES HEAVILY
255
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:52,040
VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE
256
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,720
HE LAUGHS
257
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,680
And that, Gemma, is what Jordan
calls peacekeeping deterrence.
258
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,720
Guilty as charged.
259
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,800
Yeah, it looks fun. Looks like a...
it looks like a really fun game.
260
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,680
Yeah. Hey, Lorcan, can you pass me
a Tropi Punch?
261
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,520
WHISPERS: I feel like I've got a bit
of a headache, and I actually
262
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:07,960
wouldn't mind leaving this time.
263
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,120
I was just wondering if maybe we
could go.
264
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,960
CALLUM WHISPERS
265
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,680
Erm, I'm just going to pop
to the loo.
266
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:20,600
Callum,
267
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,160
she is bloody fantastic.
268
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,640
Yeah, you're punching, mate.
You really are.
269
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,080
Boys, thank you very much.
270
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,320
Cheers. Cheers.
271
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,960
So, Gemma has a headache.
272
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,520
We're going to go walk to
the park now.
273
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,120
I fucking knew it.
As soon as she walked in here
274
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,240
without her own computer,
I fucking knew.
275
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,960
She thought a LAN party was a party
full of people called Alan,
276
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,840
and she apologised for it,
Jordan.
277
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,240
What about Lorcan's pen pal?
278
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,960
Do you think Obinna in Nigeria can
just join us at the fricking park,
279
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,400
Callum?
OBINNA: Don't worry about me, boys.
280
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,680
I'm sorry, Obinna, I'm muting you.
281
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:55,960
I don't want you to hear
us like this.
282
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,800
I don't think that's how mutes work.
283
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,640
If she has a headache,
she can wear a screen protector
284
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,920
like everybody else.
We're playing Star Clash.
285
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,560
Can we try and keep
the confrontations here
286
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,480
to the front lines of planet
Zuthara, please?
287
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,680
Maybe the lack of screen protector
ain't the only thing
288
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,040
giving her a headache, Jordan.
289
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,880
Hey, guys, have you finished
playing your little game yet?
290
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,760
Can we go?
Yeah, we're done.
291
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,560
Callum, if you walk out that door,
that's it.
292
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,960
You're never coming back.
293
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,400
WHISPERS: Fuck.
Yeah, I am, Jordan.
294
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,120
I live here.
295
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,120
HE SCOFFS
296
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,080
So yous two need to leave as well.
297
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,920
Have you gone fucking insane,
Callum?
298
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,080
I'm thinking more clear than ever.
299
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,880
Callum, what are you doing?
300
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,680
Callum, I swear,
if you press that button,
301
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,880
I will go ape on you, brother.
302
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,320
You made me do this.
303
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,080
SWITCH CLICKS
304
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,040
THEY STRAIN AND GROAN
305
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,880
Lads, stop fighting.
306
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,120
Lads,
stop fighting.
307
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,920
Lads.
What the hell?!
308
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,080
Honestly, lads!
309
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,280
Ah!
310
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,520
Ah! Stop it!
Don't play daft.
311
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,960
Ah! Ah!
312
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,360
Yous are breaking my heart.
313
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,640
I'll kill you, you motherfu...!
Ow!
314
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,520
Ah!
315
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,360
Oh, my God, Lorc. Oh, my God.
316
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,600
Your lip.
Your lip.
317
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,800
Oh, my God.
318
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,880
Oh, my...
319
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,840
Yes, you finally find
out what it looks like...
320
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,920
..when doves cry.
321
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,400
HE EXHALES HEAVILY
322
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,560
I shouldn't have turned it off
at the mains like that.
323
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,800
It was a freaking insane
thing to do, Gemma.
324
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,840
Yeah, but he was acting like an
absolute baby.
325
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,920
Yeah, Jordan's taking the scenic
route through mental development,
326
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,680
but Lorcan - his lip.
327
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,280
And the nicest bloody smile
in all Antrim.
328
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,880
Hey!
329
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,920
Look, you've got me, don't you?
330
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,200
Yeah.
331
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,440
Callum...you are so different from
any of the other men
332
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,920
that I've ever gone out with.
333
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,040
Strong, rugged, good-looking...
334
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,320
..I'm sick of that rubbish.
335
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:11,040
You're like a sexy Yorkshire
terrier.
336
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,520
HE LAUGHS
337
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,240
That's just about the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
338
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,200
SHE LAUGHS
339
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,640
Oh! Callum, look.
340
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,640
Would you...
341
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,640
Would you like to have a ride
on the swanie?
342
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,400
In England, we...we call swans
swanies.
343
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,920
And...and then we also call tennis
tenny when...
344
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,440
When actually, we do
really mean, erm, the... Tennis.
345
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:37,920
Yeah. Yeah.
346
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,400
Wow.
347
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,480
The evolution of language is
a beautiful thing. Hmm.
348
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:43,720
All right, folks?
349
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,680
Any of yous been in
one of these cunts before?
350
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,280
Well...do you want to?
351
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,160
Yeah. After you. Yeah.
352
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,440
Welcome aboard. Hello.
353
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,640
Hello. Hiya. Hop on.
354
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,640
MOOING AND BLEATING
355
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,960
PIG SQUEALS
356
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,040
Jesus Christ, Lorcan, I'm so sorry.
357
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,280
It'll heal, it'll heal.
358
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,720
It's this.
This is what I'm worried about.
359
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,800
I hate seeing you boys fighting,
like.
360
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,880
We made a pact when we were 12.
361
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,960
Either all of us get girlfriends
and have 24/7 blowjob parties
362
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,160
or none of us do.
363
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,240
Jordan, they were halcyon days, hey.
364
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,640
But we thought blowjobs were
something you gave your Game Boy
365
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,200
when they were dusty then.
366
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,760
It's like thon piggies in there -
367
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,920
and I love every one of them
to bits, I do -
368
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,360
but will it stop me from unloading
190lb per square inch
369
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,920
of pressure into their wee skulls?
No.
370
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,920
Because they're ripe for it, Jordan.
371
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,280
And so's Callum.
372
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,320
Can I do one in?
373
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,640
Absolutely, hey.
374
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,280
I'm going to blow his
fucking head off. Wait, now,
375
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,760
it is a professional abattoir, now,
376
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,040
so don't be messing about too much,
please.
377
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,280
Jordan, just...
378
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,960
SMOOCHING
379
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,360
They're little boys.
380
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,680
I am the daddy.
381
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,760
And if you're the daddy,
I'm the mummy.
382
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,560
HE LAUGHS
383
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,079
Sounds good to me.
384
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:11,359
Mwah.
385
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,359
What's that?
Callum Brown,
386
00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:20,800
I...am going to mash you like
potatoes.
387
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,240
Wha...
I hope you're ready.
388
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,440
Er, what are you doing?
389
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,319
CLEARS THROAT
390
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,319
Just relax, OK?
391
00:17:28,319 --> 00:17:29,960
Erm, are you sure
you want to do this?
392
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,960
Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
393
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,520
It's all good. Just go with it.
394
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,360
Hmm. There's a guy over there.
395
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,200
Yeah. It's fine.
396
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,520
Ah...
397
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,760
Flip me. Ah! Flip me.
398
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,760
THEY LAUGH
399
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,080
Oh, frig me, boy.
400
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:47,640
Ah!
401
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,720
Frig me.
Yeah?
402
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,600
It's all good. It's all gravy.
403
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,640
I just don't want a family
slipping on the hoo-hah.
404
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,040
Cally, you just shoot your rope
into the flotsam.
405
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,760
Don't you worry. OK.
406
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,680
Ah! Ah! Ah!
407
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,160
Ah-ah-ah!
408
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,720
Ah! Hah!
409
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,080
Ah-ah!
410
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,240
WAILING QUIVERS
411
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,080
Oh!
412
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,240
Ah...
413
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:15,800
Oh, fuck.
414
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,400
Mm.
415
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,720
Gemma...
Oh, no...
416
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,280
That's incredible.
417
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,200
Oh, God.
Gemma, that was incredible.
418
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,200
Erm, er, I think it's...
I think it's happened again.
419
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,920
Come her, come here.
Er, no, no, I'm, er...
420
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,200
I'm sorry, Callum.
421
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,960
Er...
422
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,760
Well...
I...
423
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:34,840
What is it?
424
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,440
I think I...
425
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:40,560
I think I've got a little bit
of postnut depression.
426
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,840
Well, do you not need to actually
crescendo yourself
427
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,000
for that to happen?
No. I...
428
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:52,240
Look, Callum, I've...I've just been
effing and jeffing for connection.
429
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,640
I've just been mashing my way
through life,
430
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,200
grabbing hold of one cock
after another cock.
431
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,560
Just like, sort of
rock climbing style.
432
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:04,760
And I... Yeah, I just...I just don't
think it's very fair to you or me.
433
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,800
Was it something I did, Gemma?
434
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,440
That you came like a woman?
No, not that.
435
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,440
Would a cuddle help?
No. Absolutely not.
436
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,000
I...
437
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,720
To be honest, I think
what I really need
438
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,080
is just a little bit of space.
439
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,120
We're in the lake.
Yeah, no, it's all good.
440
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,400
Gemma...
441
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:34,280
# Ooh, ooh
Look at this mess we made
442
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:39,000
# Ooh, ooh
It'll never be the same
443
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:45,160
# Ooh, ooh
Look at this mess we made... #
444
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,440
HE SIGHS
445
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,520
Three boxes of chicken dippers,
please.
446
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,240
Yeah.
447
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,360
Big night planned?
Yeah.
448
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:08,200
We'd invite you, but you're probably
busy with what's-her-name?
449
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,320
Nah.
450
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,520
Dumped her.
451
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,080
Oh, yeah?
452
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,440
Yeah. Erm, I got that postnut
depression thing
453
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,720
you were talking about.
454
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,640
I was like,
COOL VOICE: "Fuck this."
455
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,160
Just like...
456
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,160
JORDAN LAUGHS
457
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,640
Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was...
458
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,440
She was crying and crying.
459
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,360
And she went into
the park bathrooms.
460
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,240
MOCK-SOBBING: Crying.
461
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,480
It was funny.
And, like, screaming into a tissue.
462
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,640
She was tripping up
and falling over
463
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,840
and, like, fell on her...
Actually bust her nose and all.
464
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,360
It was fucking funny.
465
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,240
That does sound funny.
466
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,920
I really fucking missed you, man.
467
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,160
Hug it out?
468
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,920
Fucking hug it out.
469
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,000
THEY SOB
470
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,720
THEY LAUGH
471
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,280
ALL: Chicken dippers!
472
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,840
Whoo!
Boys, it's good to be back.
473
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,600
How would yous like some fizz
with thon dippers?
474
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,080
Er, yes, please.
There you go.
475
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:23,480
Let me hear the sound
of that sweet, sugary sizzle, boy.
476
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,360
THEY LAUGH
477
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,480
Some for you, sir?
478
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,760
JORDAN AND CALLUM: Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm!
479
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,840
Who-can-drink-the-most race.
Go!
480
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,160
Oh, my God.
481
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:38,680
PHONE VIBRATES
482
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,120
Erm, hello, Gemma?
483
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,640
Hey, Cally.
484
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,360
Oh, my God, I'm so glad you called.
485
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,720
I've missed you so much.
486
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,760
I'm ready to admit that I came
like a woman.
487
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,360
I was just wondering,
could you do me a favour?
488
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:57,680
Yeah, absolutely.
489
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,160
And I think I'd crawl through
broken glass for you, Gemma.
490
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,200
Do you have Lorcan's number,
by any chance?
491
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,440
I know that might be a little bit
of a weird request,
492
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,120
but I...I just really like his hair
493
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:13,040
and I found myself just sort
of gravitating towards him, and...
494
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,000
And...
495
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,600
# Say we're living on a knife
496
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,920
# Saying there's an afterlife
497
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,840
# Won't you let me go?
498
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,920
# Won't you let me go?
499
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,400
# Say we're running out of time
500
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,840
# Repetition of an alibi
501
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,720
# Won't you let me go?
502
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,360
# Just let me go
503
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,200
# Symptomatic of an addict
504
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:56,880
# Everything is problematic
505
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,280
# I don't want to... #
58409
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