All language subtitles for Doug Stanhope

Good evening.

Hi, yeah you don't have to you don't  don't don't put a lot of energy

we never [ __ ] put the beginning of  the show in anything we tape and release

yeah just I [ __ ] off first  there's no opening act cuz why?

At some point I realized why

I'm perfectly qualified to be less funny  than myself for 20 minutes while you wait.

Comedy is Like Cocaine to me  I I'd rather talk than listen

like let let's get me out there.

Here's the problem with this  special and why it's not special

What I'm recording is uh the best  of precovid I had like 8 months of

good [ __ ] and then [ __ ] nothing and then  after Covid so it's like I have two different

I have two closers in this

I still don't know how I'm [ __ ]  going to work this set out at the end

I know exactly the point of this set  where I'm going to [ __ ] things up

I actually went through it I go yeah  at that point I'll just [ __ ] whatever

just like minutes ago I'm like yeah  at that point [ __ ] it's too late

I have two [ __ ] specials I'm trying to...

it's like if you were trying  to abort conjoined twins

and changed your mind a little  too late and wanted to save them

so you're trying to just join the back  together but there's no connective tissue

between the two so you're just stapling  eyeballs to [ __ ] at the last minute

and that's what will put out or edit together

film it all we'll sell it for parts.

Let's get to something

now that we've had enough time to put both in  the rear view mirror and judge without emotion

what did you like better

Covid or 9/11?

If you could only pick one to do over again

like which was more fun for you?

There's arguments to be made on both sides...

I got more material out of 9/11

so you could say that 9/11's funnier

but which did you really enjoy more?

Like 9/11 was more exciting and I needed  excitement at that point in my life

I needed the thrill

Where Covid was more relaxing

I had the most beautiful sabatical of layback

and have every reason in the world to tell  people to [ __ ] off and don't come to my door

like I you could have them both over  again yeah but you can only pick one

covid no good footage

9/11 had way better footage

you can still watch 9/11 if it's on anyway

you're not going to turn the channel right there

and you no I'll sit through this till  the [ __ ] dust blows down Wall Street

yeah this is like Shaw Shank  Redemption or Groundhogs Day

if it's on anyway I'm going  to sit through till the end

it's seasonal PL TR and Automobiles

no good covid footage

no one was leaping to their  death out of a 90 story building

to get away from a virus

Covid boring Covid boring

More likely you lost someone to  covid than you did 9/11 obviously

but if you did lose someone to covid

probably someone you were tired  of having a visit at that home

you going to show up and put in some  FaceTime to stay in the will you know

"Hey Nana how's our Nest Egg holding up?

I don't like the way that uh I don't like  the way that Covid normalized germophobia

I've always hated [ __ ] hand sanitizer people  have made me crazy my whole adult life cuz I've

been exhibiting symptoms of Co for over 40 years  [ __ ] chain smoker my whole life so anytime I

was hack coughing and I saw someone running for  the purel I assume it's me I don't hate you as a

germaphobe as a person I just don't want to be  in the same room with you the same way you're

uncomfortable being with me Sneezy Coffey hacky  and even not even just the the smoker thing I'm

a disgusting person I have no sense of personal  hygiene whatsoever I don't I realized during Co

I don't wash my hands ever literally for no reason  if I was eating like buffalo wings with ranch and

sauce and I fell off my bar stool onto a dirty  carpet with lint and hair and stuff in my I would

still probably go like this first before I went  all the way to wash my hands I'm [ __ ] disgusting

I I let my cat lick my teeth cuz he loves to do  it my my cat meat wig is his giant cat and he

loves to lick your teeth he gets right in and  does grout work between the tooth and GB and I

think it's funny and a lot of people bum out when  you do that it's football Sunday and you're double

dipping your [ __ ] nacho you just let the cat eat  your mouth and you're double dipping yes I don't

think about it I [ __ ] carry my own straws as you  probably know cuz I [ __ ] plastic straws I always

have a pocket full cuz I won't put a paper straw  in a proper drink but I do recycle cuz I [ __ ]

eco-friendly I these are the same  straws this is how I clean them I

go and I put it right back in the filthy  pocket of a thrift store jacket that was

probably recently exuded from your grandfather's  Grave by Tweakers looking for [ __ ]

valuables and I would put this in your drink if  you came to my house I would go right yeah I would

put right in your drink and never consider  it I'm wearing like six day old socks right

now these socks I was wearing in Tucson and  they're here now and they never leave my feet

you ever [ __ ] when you're hammered and  pass out right after you come and wake up

the next morning with the condoms still  on that's what my shoes feel like right

now don't care too male Centric for

you ladies you ever you ever  [ __ ] hammered pass out right

after he comes without a condom wake up the next

day socially

relevant 9/11 had way better uh conspiracy

theories every conspiracy theory  is better than [ __ ] Co conspiracy

theories I loved conspiracy theories like as  for entertainment purposes only I wasn't [ __ ]

but [ __ ] Co like 9/11 all of them wakeo [ __ ]  Oklahoma City bombing all those conspiracy

theories I hate to be the old man conspiracy  theories were way better when I was a kid but

9911 they would they made sense there was all  like there was a like a sober cogent convincing

narrator who would slowly bring you through all  the Beats of why and on the morning of September

11th the hijackers but at the same here selling  me I know this is [ __ ] but you're doing great

where Co that qinon [ __ ] oh some [ __ ]  Anonymous guy leaves a cryptic message a

message board and you have to figure out the  conspiracy theory on your own and build it from

scratch he said some nonsense and you use it as a  Mad Libs up there with a verb here and an adverb

there adjective here and you go this is [ __ ]  there's a huge difference between 911 scientific

bent angle what temperature does tungsten steel  melt at versus qanon oh he said the monkey flies

at dawn so I think that means Tom Hanks is  [ __ ] kids with the bilderbergs on Epstein

Island and that's why tattoo killed himself boss  boss to plane to plane and Hillary Clinton grows

vampire teeth at midnight and sucks baby's  blood the way I see it she's going to cocktail

of a baby dressed with garnishes like that  and and she pushes a crazy straw down into

her soft spot and then sucks his little head  flat like a juice box that's how I imagine it

happens for Eternal youth you know and you  go how did you come up with that follow the

money you

suck you've ruined conspiracy theor he  as an entertainment source of genre for

everybody for here I love to be lied to  when you stink at this I did uh [ __ ]

Roseanne Bar I did her podcast during the  the corn times and uh she's a friend of mine

and she's a [ __ ] comedy Legend and she's  genius she's a beautiful mind like the film

diplomacy she believes a lot of this qani  [ __ ] and so we're talking and then just

all normal and then she [ __ ] deviates  down some path of [ __ ] lizard people

I don't know just something I just let her  exhaust herself talking and then at the end

when she's out of breath I said rosant do  you really think what you just told me is

plausible does that sound like L and she goes  what you don't think so in that case I don't

know how weak was the [ __ ] that sold you on  this to begin with that you just went on this

massive diet tribe where all I have to do  is basically shrug my shoulders in response

to make you collapse like a house [Music] cart  but first of all she knows she's out of her mind

and that's half the battle she's the first to  tell you I'm batshit crazy and people don't

know the half of it so if you know that you're  gullible or stupid or [ __ ] insane you you're

you're one step ahead of the game I know that I'm  [ __ ] easily sold on a [ __ ] but then she said

probably the most poignant she goes that's  the problem now how do we even do standup

comedy anymore when there's no such thing  as truth left [ __ ] exact just [ __ ] got

goosebumps how do you how do you [ __ ] get  through life anything when like there used

to be a consensus of Truth like some stable  flooring it's a war in Iraq let's say yes

there was a war in Iraq and as a comic you  could have any angle it's a war for oil or

buck the terrorists that's new come back to  the Stone Age but at least you're standing on

the same there is a war in Iraq was not  there was not a a vocal screaming third

party going there is no war in Iraq it's a  false flag operation cuz the Earth is flat

and Iraq is on the underside of it so if you try  to deploy troops there they just fall into under

space the [ __ ] do you

do I'll tell you what I've done I've stopped  caring and it's worked out beautifully I'm stop

I know that sounds irresponsible and somewhat  Canadian but just uh just don't even not give a

[ __ ] that's too extreme when I hear someone  say I don't give a [ __ ] I think you sound

like you put a lot of effort and energy  into that [ __ ] that you're refusing to

give I need you need to dial it down relax  and have a [ __ ] Bahama Mama at noon time

and and and focus yes that's  what I'm preaching radical

apathy just don't I mean Care on a a personal  level focus on your own Street your own people

the the where you can make a difference yeah  make a difference there where you see be a

conspiracy theorist just work on your own  conspiracies first like uh like why does

my own kid hate me pick the scab off of  that little mystery how come everyone's

always busy on my birthday yeah yes solve that  and then we'll figure out if we fake the moon

landing and we're going to deviate for a while  now CU it's the only way I can but I'll get back

I'm sure of it but my wife nags me who's with  me getting a little jabber from the old ball

and chain lady here this is about we had to would  talk about suicide where we're both have always

been you know 18 years now just yeah when it gets  ugly you're we're going to duck out but I had to

we I had to like I wanted you to say it out loud  because we had a situation a few years ago where

there wasn't possible pull the plug and she's  like no absolutely we're not we joke about it

but seriously yes just but ever [ __ ] since then  every little thing she's yo I just did two weeks

in Canada and I go while I'm gone can you find  someone that will do weed whacking this [ __ ]

overgrowth it's Fire season and there's dead  [ __ ] weeds everywhere where we're parking

and but then I would have to talk to people and  I have social anxiety and I don't have any money

to pay them so I'd have to go to the bank and  my gas tank is empty and can't we just kill

ourselves no not for landscaping  isues just got solar installed why

and then when I'm at a [ __ ] breaking point  and I'm calling home from the road I I got

[ __ ] drunk last night I think I started a cult  now they're all staring at me and I don't let's

maybe you're right we should kill ourselves no we  can't kill ourselves now cuz they just released a

new season of Catfish that's [ __ ] dumb show  it's all fake why don't we're just waiting to

you know when you meet up with a friend you  were like we're going to go out tonight uh

let's meet up at this bar and then we'll  go from there and you meet him at the bar

and whoever's late orders a drink you're  almost done with your drink he orders a

drink so then he's done with his drink when  you just ordered another drink and you just

end up two hours at this shitty bar cuz you're  both waiting to be that's what Bingo and I are

doing with suicide we're both waiting to  be done with life at the same time are you

good desert menu anything all right let's  [ __ ] wrap it up while we're on the same

page not every suicide has to be a a depressing  thing if you most people go oh so sad well

maybe that person was [ __ ] great with it  you're just sad but I'm sure there's others

suicides that we're not about depression it's  just [ __ ] how about some common sense or uh we

look at suicide is a a business decision a lot of  times like okay we could do that and then you you

anytime you hear the expression he died penniless  why is that a negative that should be your goal

this is what you strive for for that's they  down to the [ __ ] put the last 1.75 on a gift

certificate I had nothing left to [ __ ]

do I don't have a bucket  list but I do Harbor every

Grudge so instead of writing a list of things

I want to do before I die I jot down  names of people who are coming with

me you fantasize about [ __ ] Murder by  watching howto videos all the [ __ ] every

Netflix limited release every Cold Case file  all the murder stuff that you [ __ ] watch

you're [ __ ] you're too new to the game I was  I'm plotting murders before there were streaming

services you're sitting there [ __ ] waiting for  dat line to come back on oh there's a third season

of so and so and now I'm going to now I know how  I'm going to kill you and make it look like a

suicide I figured out how to make my Suicide look  like a murder and then blame it on somebody I hate

so I'm laughing in Hell while you're still  filing appeals hireing private investigators

[ __ ] calling the Innocence Project now  your own [ __ ] kin folk won't believe you

like Kevin I know it's not in you but I don't  know what happened well how would they have

your blood samples and your fingerprints  and your seman samples and your stool

all just makes sense yeah cuz I  was really [ __ ] good at what I

did as a murder Enthusiast that always I could  have would have should have I feel bad cuz a

lot of these shows that are [ __ ] do doing  the murder shows now it's such a glut where

people the hosts are solving murders  like to stand out in the pack there

well we're going to go solve this cold case  pile and they do how if you were like a a a

superb legendary serial killer Cold Case you I  mean you decades you murdered people perfectly

flawlessly no bucking you know how to turn  off the cell phone so it doesn't ping when

you're burying a body all the basic the 101's  and you got away with it for decades to the

point well now you're just retired in your 70s  you have that mord a bride you had since [ __ ]

97 and you were lived a quiet peaceful life  as the guy next door only to be busted by a

podcaster what kind of Scooby-Doo [ __ ] is

this this was between me and the  pigs who the [ __ ] are you you're

not even in the game you know you're  like a Streaker running on the field

you're not this is none of  your [ __ ] business beat

feet and that's now coming back to  conspiracy theories is how I feel

about a lot of conspiracy theorists  why is this your thing you're like

that podcaster that's following me  around in his smart car busting me for

murders what does this have to do the  government is hiding the truth about aliens

aliens that have come to the Earth and they're  hiding them in Area 51 and the government won't

be honest well you're the one who wants the  [ __ ] government anyway so if you're you

want to hire a guy to do your [ __ ] dirty work  then yeah if aliens came to the Earth it wasn't

to meet you they say take me to your leader  not so Hey where's [Music] Derek I want to

hear his [ __ ] bloviating opinions about how the  Packers should have drafted to fill holes in the

secondary it's not what a [ __ ] alien wants to

hear

you I've noticed a lot of anti-government people  have become very prover in their efforts to get

the government to get government out  of our lives and I don't think that's

how it works there where where's your  old uh rugged individualist thing why

do you have another guy's name on a  flag coming out of the [ __ ] back of

your pickup truck you [ __ ] cuckle you  should have your own name or no name at

all anti-government starts with don't [ __ ]  use them unless you absolutely have to sometimes

you have to to get through the [ __ ] system and  get from point A to point B it's like Walmart no

body likes Walmart but sometimes you got to  sometimes yeah feel ashamed but don't lean on

government I've always had an anti-authoritarian  bent um I've been uh anti-government and principle

not as a personality uh when I was a  young man I was probably 17 18 or so

I decided I didn't think the government had  any right to tell me I needed to be 21 years

old to drink a cocktail so I ordered a fake ID  kit mailor this is 1984 85 is where I ordered

a kit for fake ID out of a classified section  of my mother's uh national uh National Inquirer

magazine sent $5 off to Chula Vista California  to a po. box on the honor System but sure enough

6 to8 weeks later as was normal at the time fake  ID kit the paper part of it that you had to roll

into a typewriter and type out your fake name and  address toight date of birth then a place for you

to affix a photo which required you having to  take 24 Shots of yourself with AIT click the

original selfie which is I hope one of these comes  out click bring it to the photo mat wait a we

and a half uh to 10 days to get it developed  and hope one of the pictures fits on the idea

with your [ __ ] out of focus squashed then  you iron the whole thing shut in a plastic

sleeve to laminate it under a damp cloth and  then once that cooled down I brought that to

the corner store and it worked I got a [ __ ]  sixpack of beer and I was drunk with the third

one half full on the nightstand when I woke  up what I did not do is [ __ ] riot I didn't

send [ __ ] death threats and a powdered [ __ ]  envelope to my state legislator I didn't [ __ ]

turn over cop cars and make a big [ __ ] to do  what I did is I went from point A to point B I

wanted a cocktail the corner store wanted to sell  me alcohol the government wanted a cut of that but

no we circumvented the government from the entire  [ __ ] equation I don't need them it's about the

principal no it's about the beer it's really just  about the beer and the government's go we want

in like no I didn't use them let me dust this  off this caused a [ __ ] Civil War yeah vax vax

card it's dog geared from how old this [ __ ] bit

is the point is it's a [ __ ] index  card [ __ ] there's no ship or hologram

there's no magnetic stripe there's no  photograph it's not even t HP written

it's filled in with the ballpoint pen No  photograph no lamination you don't even

need a color copier if you couldn't  fake this you need government in your

life yeah I know I I needed to check the  expiration date on that bit huh I needed to

sniff the cap before I [ __ ] pulled that out but  it's it's still [ __ ] I'm glad I got it down on

tape I've been [ __ ] with the Edibles um  that was one of the best things that came

out of quarantine is like yeah I was never  a weed guy I still don't smoke it but the

Edibles like yeah what do I get to and I  [ __ ] love writing on like I literally

wrote an entire show coming back from the 18-month  Hiatus I go I'm going to sit down dining room

table nothing but me [ __ ] Edibles and some  cocktails and a yellow legal pad and I proceeded

to write a show not a set I ended up writing a  full show like hecklers long hand I'm writing

in hecklers and then I'm destroying the [ __ ]  heckler it was so much fun I have high notes

we're going to get to soon where I just like the  high [ __ ] I had to segregate cuz it doesn't fit

with the rest of my ACT I I had to it's offbrand  and it's not necessarily funny but I had so much

fun writing some of that [ __ ] I know that like  weed like I know a lot of people who've made the

lateral move like we're losing drinkers this is  one of the reasons I'm doing a [ __ ] noon time

show is AA meetings do ners and we need to compete  in the marketplace I'm chucking my hat in the

ring we got some

numbers has anyone engaged in Tripper tourism it's  all the rage people go to [ __ ] South America and

they go to a shaman they're using hallucina  for all sorts of [ __ ] now PTSD depression

mental illness uh end of life [ __ ] they're  using hallucinogens for almost every reason

except fun which was what originally hooked  me into the product was the part where you

went that part now it's  all like serious and [ __ ]

like if you go to those [ __ ] Retreats  down there they don't want you to have

fun they're against it you go to fck first of  all the what they teach you when it comes to

tripping the most important part first thing  set and setting make sure you are comfortable

clean up turn off your phone lock the door  put [ __ ] away have a snack ready thanks

the worst set and setting that I could  imagine amongst them would be a [ __ ]

mud Hollow somewhere in the Amazon surrounded  by [ __ ] pythons and stinging spiders that I

had to take a [ __ ] 19-hour thre hop flight  and then a prop plane into the [ __ ] jungle

and then a 6-hour drive and a janky [ __ ] van  up a Logging Road surrounded by other tourists

who are there for a boring [ __ ] sad she's  uh got stage four uterine cancer he's here to

party you guys can sit together [ __ ] you sit  around some campfire sharing a vomit Kettle with

up some Shaman chanting at

you shut the [ __ ] up I'm just  coming on to this [ __ ] and your song

sucks the [ __ ] out of here and then you they  don't want you to laugh they think it's cuz it's

a very a serious ancient spiritual thing you go  okay yeah that but we got it recently and paired

it up with indoor plumbing and you should see how  this could really kick stop Banning that [ __ ]

campfire at me stop chanting you already lost  all all credibility as a shaman when you made

me swipe my American Express across your iPhone  so let's knock off with the [ __ ] hinkes I don't

want to do [ __ ] iasa in your dirt Igloo I want  to do it in a [ __ ] Hilton I want to do it with

a terry cloth bathrobe and room service available  like the the Cartoon Network on but muted and uh

yeah a [ __ ] cold beverage and I'll puke  in my own ice bucket thank you I'm not

sharing sorry I just used the [ __ ] Hilton  as a that's how old I am I use the Hilton as

a reference for a very upscale Swanky place where  the elite kick up their heels at the Hilton no

it's a [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] now let me get  this on the [ __ ] recording the Hilton sucks

so I've been a [ __ ] Diamond honors member  of the Hilton for probably over a decade plus

this is the only part of this business I really  like is the amount of travel gets you to Elite

statuses where I can cut in front of you that  never gets old in life my whole thing I oh but

you get to make people laugh and I don't [ __ ]  care people like hey you got me through some of

my toughest times and I just wanted to thank you  for all that you do and your comedy has I don't

[ __ ] care I just get behind me I'm cutting  I'm cutting cuz I put in the leg work and now

Hilton Honors used to have a designated Lane  for me it said Hilton Honors and I cut right

in front of you and they'd be waiting for me  they'd have your name on a list and your key

were already ready and just initial here and we'll  have a dwarf bellhop grab your bags and he always

has a oneliner and he's zing and you laugh and you  tip him with a $2 bill and it [ __ ] turns into a

rainbow and there's a gift bag in the room all  this stuff that's the old Hilton and now Hilton

Honors Diamond they [ __ ] at best they give you  a bottle of water without looking up that's it

Hilton Diamond honors is kind of like  white privilege it's not what it used to

be let me grab those high notes

lower your

expectations

man oh [ __ ] hey chaye there's one on the  back I never [ __ ] remember to do and it's

not I should have uh you're all animals and  democracy only allows you to choose your own

zookeeper read that once I if I  I should it should always start

with uh the my favorite was uh  there there's no reason for cold

butter that's that's all that was I felt there  was a there was a demand somewhere inside me

that had to say that cuz it's really isn't  [ __ ] you it's offensive really cold butter

what it's for [ __ ] to cool off a [ __ ] waffle  what the [ __ ] [ __ ] doesn't yeah I felt like

an important person I might title this special  if I don't call it Kill the Messenger was going

to be the title but then I just I didn't  like that bit maybe I'll do it I already

did did it last night I don't even like  it but then we thought oh maybe just cold

butter really no reason for me to

exist I'll say that I listen to  relaxation tapes at three times

speed breathe slowly breathe slowly slow  breath let's take another slow breath in

out in out in out every when you exhale let's  picture your exhalation as a cloud you made a

cloud now you're going to float in the cloud  now you're floating in the cloud and you're a

spaceship and every part of your every limb of  your body has a chamber your foot is a chamber

let's go into the foot let's relax each toe  feel the toe relax get to the point I need to

sleep [Music]

yeah this is a comic I hate like in general hey  you know what if this again oh you get to make

people smile I don't [ __ ] care and then that  that comic who I just lived to uh the he said if

if this ever becomes a job to me I'd quit and do  what get a job no you'd come back and You' [ __ ]

develop a drinking problem so you can [ __ ] plow  through this remember that people that the ticket

price you pay has nothing to do with the ACT  it's you're compensating me for how many years

it takes off of my life just to keep coming out  and I think you got a bargain cuz I'm not feeling

great whenever you whenever you see on the news  like local happy morning program and someone

[ __ ] just turned 111 years old and the local  news asks them oh what's your secret to longevity

Eda yog or something the point is I'm 56 and I  get that question just as often as a lady who

turned 111 [ __ ] years old where people come up  to me and they go how the [ __ ] are you still

alive Stan hope what the [ __ ] I don't know ask  the [ __ ] 111 year old person I don't ask a lot

of questions maybe that's how I'm still alive you  should [ __ ] learn that let stop with the [ __ ]

questions and I don't go to doctors that's another  reason cuz doctors are so incredibly full of

[ __ ] doctors should be treated like psychics  you know what if you ever got roped in and go

into a psychic and they like they just they  right up front they glad head you and get

as much small talk out of you and they size  you up they see your [ __ ] hat they oh he's

a Red Sox man maybe he's from New England  and he oh he's got a [ __ ] no calluses on

his hand he's a telemarketer they enough they  get enough Tails so they can bamboozle you and

the fact that you're at a [ __ ] psychic  goes oh they easily they want to believe

that's how I think doctors should be treated  if I have to go to a doctor I don't tell him

[ __ ] what seems what's the  reason for your visit you tell

me not telling you [ __ ]

anything blood sample you [ __ ] give your  own blood sample and tell me what's wrong

I've been experimenting with

sobriety like nothing crazy not extreme just a  little bit like like like you experimented with

homosexuality when you were a kid at summer camp  it was innocent you weren't like just mashing his

[ __ ] head on your [ __ ] or [ __ ] putting on  your Black Bullet inseminating glove with some

lard and then no [ __ ] it was just basically  like lick and touch it maybe like that kind

of experimenting not [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] you got  [ __ ] on my dick no just gentle experimentation

with sobriety a little bit on of a holiday weekend  maybe and it's not bad I don't know if you [ __ ]

with sobriety like it's it's an altered state  for me so it's like w this is weird people do

this but what the problem that I found with  sobriety is what it does it will add an extra

day into every day that you do it and I  don't know what to do with that kind of

time your average day 24 hours 8 hours  of consistent plotting drinking through

and then till you 8 hours of passing  out sleeping it off and then 8 hours

of recovery and go where the am I and check  your phone and see you and then you know pay

a bill feed a pet so they call you functional  and then start drinking again that's a normal

person you take out the 8 hours of drinking then  you don't even need the 8 hours of recovery part

like it's two days basically you go what the  the [ __ ] am I going to do if they told you

if you're a non-drinker and they say yeah sleep  isn't a thing anymore they eliminated that what

are you going to do with that other eight hours  get another [ __ ] side family [ __ ] learn a

language on the Rosetta Stone no that's why I  drink I don't know what to do with those eight

hours don't double it I did the [ __ ] I tried  the sober October one year and I don't know

[ __ ] Rogan invented it or just made it  popular uh but all those guys would do

it and I go I don't have any friends these  are my peripheral friends away in the away

countries I'm going to do that it's [ __ ] just  obviously just they don't drink or smoke pot

for the month and I go I first of all they're  [ __ ] with all due respect Sora and [ __ ]

and AR Fear And Rog they're mid-range drinkers at

best it's it's not synonymous like it is with  me the drunk guy yeah so I well Christ you're

[ __ ] he can put him down he but he's built  like Stonehenge of course yeah yeah you can

dump a thousand [ __ ] drinks down that  hatch like [ __ ] Easter Island it's not

going to affect you I have a different story  I am a frail young man and I had to go to a

doctor before I did sober October I had to do  remember September to go to a pH [ __ ] make

sure cuz you can die with the amount I drink for  the length of the Decades that I drink and I'm

not bragging I'm just saying it's dangerous  you seizure up swallow your [ __ ] head and

die so I went to my local clinic and I told  the lady hey this is what I'm doing you know

that Joe Rogan thing and know a lot of people  don't know what I think was just everyone's

world you know sober October with seur and  she's like what why am I explaining this so

I just told her what I'm going to I'm going  to not drink for October and then again what

so so then I had to break down how  much I drink on a daily basis and

for how many decades I and as I'm telling  her all the blood is draining out of her

face every day yeah or since [Music]  198 then she excuses herself from the

office and comes back a long time  later with the social worker from the

clinic who's carrying a clipboard where she's  printed off a lot of uh uh uh Rehabilitation

Facilities that I could check myself into  on short notice and I tell him I'm not here

for a medical problem you understand this  right I am here on a dare from my friends

it's like if you dared me to do some man versus  food [ __ ] and I have to eat a [ __ ] quadruple

stack bucking cheeseburger in under 30  minutes I'm not coming to the doctor for

a recommendation for an eating disorder clinic  I'm here for a medical grade laxative that will

help me pass that after the thing help me with  my goof now they're both staring at me just uh

and I go I don't want to talk down to anybody but  I can do this myself and I have stopped drinking

before and I did it safely where you know yeah  you just wean down you don't just stop you over

a course of a week or two you just a little  bit less every day minimal dose of Xanax every

couple of days so you don't swallow your tongue  and die this is not professional Med medical

advice by the way this is not professional  medical ad advice I'm just saying I'm still

here then she finds what she thinks  is a [ __ ] a chip in my armor

chip making progress

she brings her out of her stuper she says wait  wait no you can't take Xanax with any amount of

alcohol she said it with a straight face right

to me you can't take s with who is  the comic and who's the doctor here

I'm like a 29-year case study of that works  perfectly together there's no reason to

not do that minimal Xanax couple of  cocktails lucid dreams wake up with

confidence yeah that's why I say  [ __ ] doctors are bull of [ __ ]

a doctor will never just look you  in the face and go yeah I don't

know it's a weird one probably try to find  someone who specializes in that [ __ ] I I

only know like four things otherwise I just tell  you some [ __ ] with a straight face and when I

die when I'm in my end of days I would much rather  be treated by a veterinarian it's a veterinarian

yes they could be [ __ ] just blunt I had  to kill both of my dogs one right before

Co one right after Co I had them killed I'm  not some [ __ ] West Texas [ __ ] grotesque

[ __ ] monster I I hired out I create jobs  in my town that's what I do hey kill my dog

it's not really my thing the point is cuz a  veterinarian can be honest they're they're

patients don't speak the language they can just  look down at you and go oh don't throw any good

money after bad on that one that's not going to  be around long [ __ ] junk that and sell it for

parts aabad was this is not a sad story  these dogs lived fat they weren't even

rescues they were [ __ ] home invasion  burglar really they're [ __ ] squatters

they both showed up 6 months apart in my  craw space after I'd been on the road as

puppies and they lived full [ __ ] they both  died around 14 that's a dog's life in fact

I remember using that as a a a reference a  time frame when after we had to kill kabad

I said to my wife bingo I go God damn it can  you believe we have lived here for an entire

dog time just rolls by a [ __ ] a whole  dog I remember when this was nothing but

kabad had developed a cough which I  thought at first he was mimicking my

cough I thought he was doing an impression of me  like they say pets start to resemble their owners

I thought he's doing and we took him to the vet  it wasn't uh an impression of me it was lymphoma

spread throughout his whole body rapidly killing  him but it sounded so much like me if you heard

the cough you had to be there I was like  that is so you no so no it was him so the

veterinarian she's very CTIC and she says  tells me this on the phone and I say what

I think anyone might say not expecting that  news I said well how long do you think he has

and at which point I could hear her eyeballs  rolling do you want me to guess a month I don't

know 3 weeks and I realized what she's telling  me when you have a pet that is diagnosed terminal

you have to decide how long it has left just  you and only you are God now unless you're one

[ __ ] one of those creepy Christian Scientist  people who don't believe in medicine at all and

you will watch your pet die in agony and slowly  curl into itself like a like a moth under a bug

light after no you got to [ __ ] make the  call and your pet's not going to help you

your dog is never going to give you the high  sign that he know he wants out oh yeah [ __ ]

this do the thing your in fact the more  sick your pet is the more he's going to see

excited to see you he's oh oh I want to go for a  walk I'm sorry my back legs don't work anymore but

I will crawl with my front paws I would wag  my tail to show you how happy I am you came

home one more day but my tail is so Laden down  with heavy tumors that I can no longer wag it it

just drags Trails like a crocodile in the sand  behind me I love you so much so I thought what

does my dog like to do more than anything and  we'll send him out in style but both of my dogs

didn't like to do [ __ ] they're the most boring  stupid [ __ ] animals they didn't ever chase a

[ __ ] tennis ball once and [ __ ] a frisbee  they couldn't walk past it without they might

piss on it that's how they resembled their owner  they were just lazy stupid zero interest dogs

aabad loved to beg food that was the only thing  he had if you were over for football Sunday and

it's barbecue and you got a [ __ ] spare rib  in your hands kabad would be right there he had

a bad hip so one leg SP out and one would face  towards you and then he would he even neutered

he could develop this like uh dribbling  pink candy cane downward facing slimy bonus

it drooled as much as his mouth did so he's  drooling out of both spots and you're like

trying to eat get the [ __ ] out of here get this  [ __ ] dog out of here so that's what I decided

okay that's how we're going to send him off we're  going to Beed kabad anything he wants until he's

dead [ __ ] it he's looking at your pizza crust I  don't eat the crust kabad does kabad eats [ __ ]

everything I would take my dog for his whole life  he would ride shotgun to Safeway with me I'd be

[ __ ] hey load up we're going to go to Safeway  and then I'd get there and I'd go you watch the

car and I'm going to go in there and I'm going  to get us both treats and I would fantasize every

single time what would my dog ever do if I let him  run rough shod off leash inside a [ __ ] grocery

store and that was a fantasy up until he got  diagnosed terminal and then I went oh [ __ ]

yes kabot get in the car we're going a  Safeway for real this is not a drill I

let that dog he just walked up when those  doors opened automatically for him and no

one touched the PA it was like lights of  Valhalla coming down he's like I'm like

yes go and he's like woo he's all old his  bad hips so his [ __ ] tail end is swaying

his old man claws on the lenol just SL  in like this way to the meat department

buddy and that [ __ ] look when you have that  look of I Dare someone to say something to me

you can't fake that look you only get that look  a few times in your life but I just wanted so I

spend more money in this [ __ ] Supermarket than  a teacher makes in a year just trying to a cheap

vodka to buy my friends you want to [ __ ]  say something to me my dog is rooting around

in the meat department just like tossing stuff  with his snout Oscar my [ __ ] Mexican meat man

[ __ ] built like a [ __ ] cigarette machine  he just looks at me and the dog back at me and

he goes hey good to see you Stan have a nice day  and excuses himself from the picture he doesn't

want any part of this problem and yes I have  lived in this town for almost 18 years and a

lot of people still think my name is Stan hope  call me Stan and I never correct them cuz it's

adorable everything that dog snout touched  went into the cart get it cube steak we're

not on a budget not with your life expectancy  get the good [ __ ] and I'll get the bacon cuz

you can't reach the bacon and that [ __ ] dog  ate bacon every day for the rest of his life

perfectly cooked bacon too not lazy sloppy  bacon there was no fat showing there's no

[ __ ] white gristly Parts no perfectly cooked  crisp but not too crisp and that's how I knew

when to kill the dog was when he was no longer  interested the day I put a plate of perfectly

C cooked bacon in front of him and no that  goes for everyone in this room the day you

you find you have no appetite for perfectly  cooked bacon go towards the light it's the

life force has left you that's when kabad  I put him down on April Fool's Day that

year cuz I thought he's a comedian's dog he  it's appropriate he'll never fall for this oh

yeah I'm going to feel a pinch and then yeah  yep you're dead haha it was a double whammy

but and I know this [ __ ] cliche  to say but it's it's so much more

difficult to put your pet down than  it is to you know kill your own

mother cuz I I've done both and the difference  is with your your pet doesn't understand the

jokes that you're thinking at his expense about  him while he's being killed like my mother did

she was yucking it up and having a blast the  dog nothing not even the veterinarian was even

bummed out like why would you say that to your dog  right in the middle of this procedure and it's a

call back to when we euthanized my mother read the  book Lady it's an old [ __ ] story I'm trying to

[ __ ] have a moment with it and then after it's  just you [ __ ] Monday Morning Quarterback the

whole thing did I do the right thing is that  you know maybe that's how we should have put

mother down instead of the you white Russians  and the morphine maybe ma H how you holding up

today I can't get any I can't get my breath and  I just and my back hurts it just hurts so bad

and I feel like I'm a burden I'm a burden to  everybody and I just wish this would be over

with you want some

bacon I don't anything think I I could

I could eat a little bit of bacon  crisp but not too crisp but don't burn

it I would have sold that harder but that's just  one of the closers now I'm going to do the other

one we'll get the [ __ ] out of here hang let  me check the high notes one more time I know

there's at least three things I wanted to do but  I'll do I'll cut out One music is rape that was

a [ __ ] I just I teed off on that one yesterday  and it was organic and I I don't want to cheapen

it but music is rape this never works this will  not even this will be already it's cut out of

this [ __ ] special but music is [ __ ] rape  it's the only art form that you're subjected

to without your consent 99% of the time the  [ __ ] music that is put forced into your [ __ ]

ear physically it's not you didn't you come to  see comedy it's your own [ __ ] fault you're

asking for it by the way you're dressed and the  way you bought a [ __ ] ticket to see it you're

not going to leave here and have to listen to  Comedy that's not even a comic you like every

[ __ ] Uber drive and Family Dollar restaurant  every call around [ __ ] search on your phone

when you get it back bar that doesn't have  music where I can sit with my thoughts my

thoughts are [ __ ] beautiful every joke  that I [ __ ] up tonight is because of

some shitty song that you oh we're the  live music capital and [ __ ] you it's

great you don't get shitty jokes  stuck in your head so you can't write

music and I know people will take umbrage  with me comparing the two did you say me

sir I am a rapist and how dare you belittle  my craft by comparing it to [ __ ] Billy

Ocean's Carib ban queen that was stuck in  your head all morning Billy Ocean [ __ ]

raped me with Caribbean Queen in the80s  and now I just have to be leaving the

[ __ ] the the elevator to the cords of it  and it's a trigger to make me think of the

whole [ __ ] song all day just hearing the no  we're not sharing the same dream it's a [ __ ]

nightmare does anyone still stand up to piss  is that a thing is that really is that like a

Texas I'm a man thing cuz everywhere else [ __ ]  get with the 1centers and [ __ ] sit to piss I

went to a bar that had a [ __ ] trough urinal  and I'm like bro who's in that much of a hurry

you're going to stand up to piss and sit to piss  [ __ ] there's no force or straining muscles and

getting baricos veins [ __ ] some guy looking  at your dick just shut the door EES drop on

conversations and let gravity do most of the  work lay back text someone and feel all the

feelings you're down there check your shoes  for gum or whatever Relish in it the [ __ ]

poor sit out and and let whatever come out of  you you're already sitting I love like sometimes

the [ __ ] I'm at my age my [ __ ] gives up  less resistance than the Capitol Police so

if a [ __ ] if a shooting diarrhea races out  of me I'm [ __ ] excited I am not cursed I

am blessed with diarrhea cuzz I'm sitting  down and diarrhea is so convenient and

efficient it's like the Germans invented  it a [ __ ] good diarrhea can be done as

quick as it takes to pour out a old pot  of gas station coffee like SL done you

walk back out into the bar and your friends  are all going mother [ __ ] Daniel did you

just piss that quick and you go that wasn't  piss thanks diarrhea podcast is sponsored by

diarrhea I found that's it yeah that's going  to be the last one no this is just [ __ ]

I'm such a good salesman I could sell  actual [ __ ] in a Fleshlight Factory

that's as if that wasn't one of the  offensive ones cuz what that joke

assumes is that any man generally would prefer  to [ __ ] a latex fa simile of a vagina to K mail

order then slum it with a real woman pu that's  not a woman with ideas and hopes and vagina and

dreams and and poetry and no yeah that's and  I'm selling your [ __ ] in this scenario this

hypothetical scenario I you just sell your [ __ ]  on the [ __ ] open market like I'm some comic pimp

panderer now you would want to sell your own  [ __ ] that's your own business but who am I

to this joke was so misogynist and I hate that  I have to mansplain it to you why you should be

upset the other one was kind of I I did I found

a picture of me uh when I was  a young man in blackace and I

thought I'm not even you know what I'm not  even I am I'm going to yeah I was an extra

on the Jenny McCarthy show on MTV like 1996  where I was dressed as an African tribesman

found the picture I did it once uh I dressed up  as a anim I'm but that's but the other one I can

excuse point being I found that  picture and what I did is said I

should hold on to this maybe one day  I could use it as collateral to get a

loan all right that's a [ __ ]  I've never tried that joke

before and I never have to do it again  cuz that it worked enough it's like

reverse blackmail like how are you going to  secure this loan well you here's my career a

photograph I love all the people that uh  like during during the current climate in

this day and age the the blackface ones  where there's like so these [ __ ] narcs

tattletail [ __ ] oh you thought just some  Captain of industry nice guy uh did nothing

wrong but so you thought but we here at  [ __ ] [ __ ] ster.com we've Unearthed

a photograph of him wearing blackace at  a college fraternity Halloween party in

1978 and then they show you the picture  of the news Well if it's that offensive

and repulsive why are you showing it to  millions and millions of people who would

have otherwise been unoffended and had a nice  day are you just trying to make people upset

that's like saying oh he was just arrested  being involved with child pornography here's a

clip what are you trying to accomplish  making sense I really hope that cancel

culture swings the complete 180 and goes  like hardcore right-wing conservative in

the same way where just destroys people's  [ __ ] lives that thought like you're a

[ __ ] you're what like pro-choice and you  think okay I'm on the right side of history

and I I got a bumper sticker and everything  and I I throw out some things on social media

but history says changed my mind [ __ ] you  and all of a sudden you're getting treated

just for being pro-choice just for having  that opinion your life is destroyed You're

a murderer or an accomplice to murderer as  and this could happen because a abortion is

murder

unquestionably if I could steal a bit of my own  from 20 years ago and I'll paraphrase I think

it went oh yes a fetus is a living thing  so is cancer in your grandpa's pancreas

alive and growing a genital wart is a living  thing if it's going to irritate you for life

burn it off that was me from a different  day and age kids say the darnest things

but it's it's obviously murder it's just more  collateral damage murder if you want to have a

fun Carefree life with no responsibilities and  disposable income and the ability to just run

off with the circus and buing I can do whatever  I want is that kind kind of murder it's basically

self-defense but what if you or your [ __ ] life  could be torn aunder just cuz you thought that

was you didn't even have an abortion you  you didn't provide an abortion you didn't

you didn't made a maybe they just unearth  a picture of you dressed up as an abortion

at a college Halloween party 19 [ __ ] 76 now  you can't get a job and you're fired and even

your neighbors are having their homes picked up  off the foundation and turned backwards so just

cuz you were pro-choice you [ __ ] murder  assistant this next joke doesn't segue and

we're way over time but watch what happens with  this joke towards the end pedophiles hang on

specifically pedophiles the ones that [ __ ]  their own kids this is not an Applause break

pedophiles who [ __ ] their  own child is that [Music]

premeditated like is he already considering  this back in the Family Planning stages where

he's like a Charlotte I know we've talked  about starting a family and uh it's a big

decision we have to weigh the pros and cons  financially it's a giant responsibility and

one of us might have to take on a second source of  income and we'll need a bigger place on the plus

side I need a tissue is it that planned in  advance is he is he playing the long con is he

trying to keep a straight face during the gender  reveal party in case it doesn't go the way his

fantasy went where his a pink strats she's going  to need a brother I don't know how much foresight

or conversely is he just as surprised as the  kid is when he starts [ __ ] it this is so not

me if if I had any idea you were going  to come out of there so smoking hot and

irresistible I would have had you vacuumed  out of that womb before it was illegal in

Texas and now we're back at a bortion  I went from pro-choice smash cut like

a liver punch into [ __ ] a guy [ __ ] his  own kid wait I haven't even tip my waitress

yet well yeah now we're back at abortion so  it's like a reverse cowgirl segue it's one

of the most difficult Moves In Comedy just  to [ __ ] triple Lindy after an hour and 42

minutes now that they have done the uh the  whole row versus weight thing we're trying to

cash in a little bit and we're doing a we're  putting out a YouTube tutorial videos to how

to do your own atome abortions can't title  them as such because of [ __ ] terms of the

service and dubious medical advice so we have  to to cloak them cleverly disguise the titles

today's video young ladies today we're  going to learn how to get a rat out of a

mannequin see a rainbow vacuum will trap all the  [ __ ] stuff like through the water never mind my

mother used to sell those that will never make the  cut I don't even know what I'm talking about I'm

this in closing I'm going to tell you I used to  say that standup comedy was the last outpost of

freedom of speech live standup comedy at a [ __ ]  noer on a Wednesday doesn't hurt but yeah these

dark rooms are the last place you can have open  ideas and if they do start coming after us I think

the last outpost for freedom of speech is going  to be pornography because it seems to be the only

industry that hasn't had to change the script  on some level the art has remained un molested

ironically by the current climate I don't know  what kind of pornography you watch I like to watch

a little bit of a lot of types of pornography  just to keep my finger on the pulse of what's

happening with folks today I don't like the news  I'd rather fig and sometimes I'm so conditioned

to the culture that I'm watching pornography  and I'll be taken a back where I go oh I don't

think you can say that word anymore don't get into  trouble but no they're fine in fact a lot of times

you have to say those words to pick the genre so I  think that's going to be my last stand in standup

comedy when I can't get booked anywhere I'm just  going to be the sloppy bottom in elderly gay porn

just getting [ __ ] reamed and prolapsed as I  deliver salty monologues to camera and another

thing just Oblivion is to what's happening back  there and here I'll be like Andy Rooney from 60

minutes and what you can't say colored anymore  aren't we all some kind of color anyway that fell

behind me is cuz when you're getting [ __ ] in  the ass you can pretty much say anything you want

at that point nobody is ever going to look at a  man in this position and accuse him of punching d

thank you for day drinking with us