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00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:38,186
Good evening. Coming
up, a major Hollywood movie
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00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:39,930
is set to film in Quahog.
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00:00:39,948 --> 00:00:41,540
But first, whoever recorded me
4
00:00:41,691 --> 00:00:43,600
cursing at that freeway
off-ramp veteran,
5
00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:45,711
please don't post
that, all right, seriously.
6
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,454
We all have bad days.
7
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,956
The latest Brad Pitt film
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00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,451
will be shot right
here in Quahog.
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00:00:51,535 --> 00:00:53,777
Pitt will play former
New Jersey governor
10
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:54,720
Chris Christie.
11
00:00:54,947 --> 00:00:57,114
Brad Pitt is playing
Chris Christie?!
12
00:00:57,207 --> 00:00:59,207
It should be a fat
guy playing that role!
13
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,619
Chris Christie didn't eat
10,000 Jersey Mike's subs
14
00:01:02,638 --> 00:01:04,712
just to be played by a
Hollywood pretty boy.
15
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,808
That's offensive, and I,
for one, will not stand for it.
16
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,794
Although that's mostly due
to cardiovascular disease.
17
00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:12,071
I got to sit down.
18
00:01:12,222 --> 00:01:14,239
Peter, you know, you've
actually got a valid point.
19
00:01:14,391 --> 00:01:16,224
Boy. Here comes the soapbox.
20
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,969
It's shameful Hollywood would
pass over the many talented
21
00:01:19,062 --> 00:01:21,747
plus-sized actors who are
much more deserving of the role.
22
00:01:21,898 --> 00:01:23,323
- Name two.
- Jonah Hill?
23
00:01:23,475 --> 00:01:24,991
- He's thin now.
- Fat Albert?
24
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,568
- Not real.
- James Corden?
25
00:01:26,645 --> 00:01:28,245
He's been canceled
for sending eggs back.
26
00:01:28,330 --> 00:01:30,831
Well, it's just another
example of Hollywood's history
27
00:01:30,983 --> 00:01:32,482
of exclusionary casting,
28
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:35,410
- whitewashing and thin-washing.
- Exactly.
29
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,988
Like Mike Myers playing an
Indian man in The Love Guru.
30
00:01:38,081 --> 00:01:40,173
Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans
31
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:42,326
playing White Chicks.
32
00:01:42,344 --> 00:01:44,419
Or Mickey Rooney playing
an offensive stereotype
33
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,496
of an Asian man in
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
34
00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:48,682
I don't know that movie,
but I like breakfast.
35
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,334
Come on, you two.
36
00:01:50,352 --> 00:01:52,502
You're really offended that
one of the biggest movie stars
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00:01:52,521 --> 00:01:56,022
on the planet is coming to
our crap town to shoot a movie?
38
00:01:56,175 --> 00:01:57,858
I mean, Brad Pitt
could put it anywhere,
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00:01:58,010 --> 00:01:59,843
- with any of us.
- Facts.
40
00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,788
I mean, when was the last
time a celebrity visited Quahog?
41
00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:04,848
- Jared Fogle.
- Who?
42
00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:06,032
The Subway Guy. Remember?
43
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,534
He was here for a
public appearance.
44
00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:08,941
Took a shine to
Chris for some reason.
45
00:02:09,021 --> 00:02:10,129
Took him camping.
46
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,113
Had these weird candies
he'd only let Chris eat.
47
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,374
How come I don't
remember any of this?
48
00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:16,209
Too many video games, buddy.
49
00:02:16,362 --> 00:02:17,785
They're rotting your brains.
50
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,046
Get your hands off me, Jared!
51
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:22,123
You're really gonna
complain about Brad Pitt?
52
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,217
Who cares what
role he's playing?!
53
00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:25,627
Well, that's easy
for you to say, Lois.
54
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,480
Women have no idea
what it's like for us men,
55
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:30,465
being held up to impossible
standards of beauty
56
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,600
in the media.
57
00:02:31,710 --> 00:02:33,877
Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence
has a new movie.
58
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,379
Too old. Next.
59
00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:37,047
Peter, I think you're
right to protest.
60
00:02:37,065 --> 00:02:38,715
- I'll even join you.
- Thanks, Brian.
61
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:41,476
Sometimes you just got
to stand up for what's right.
62
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,495
That's why I stood
up to Kanye West.
63
00:02:43,647 --> 00:02:46,406
Dinosaurs were
created by the Illuminati.
64
00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:49,168
The government hides
secrets in SpaghettiOs.
65
00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:50,818
And Hitler would've
won Wimbledon
66
00:02:50,913 --> 00:02:52,579
if he played tennis, bro.
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00:02:52,731 --> 00:02:54,414
Sir, sir, sir.
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00:02:54,566 --> 00:02:57,176
We do not wear
shoes in this house.
69
00:02:58,570 --> 00:03:02,055
Thank you. Now please
continue about Wimbledon.
70
00:03:04,243 --> 00:03:06,018
Overweight is overdue!
71
00:03:06,169 --> 00:03:07,186
Overweight is overdue!
72
00:03:07,337 --> 00:03:09,188
Wow, I'm impressed, Peter.
73
00:03:09,339 --> 00:03:10,856
Yeah, it's going great.
74
00:03:11,007 --> 00:03:12,691
News trucks even
showed up to cover it.
75
00:03:12,842 --> 00:03:15,343
I-I think... I think those
are just food trucks.
76
00:03:15,437 --> 00:03:18,088
Come on, you know you want some.
77
00:03:18,106 --> 00:03:19,347
Hi, fellas.
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00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,591
Hey. Thanks for
coming out to support us.
79
00:03:21,685 --> 00:03:24,077
"Dangerous Curves Ahead."
80
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,931
Right?
81
00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:30,042
That is good.
82
00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,935
You get it.
83
00:03:32,104 --> 00:03:34,696
That... that is clever.
84
00:03:34,790 --> 00:03:35,790
Am I right?
85
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,443
That, that's good. That's good.
86
00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,778
- Isn't it, though?
- Yeah, yeah.
87
00:03:41,797 --> 00:03:44,556
Brian, can you
explain that shirt to me later?
88
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,229
Protesters were on
hand today at the set of
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00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:52,973
the new Chris Christie
biopic being filmed in Quahog.
90
00:03:53,125 --> 00:03:56,126
They were protesting the casting
of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt
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00:03:56,219 --> 00:03:58,979
in the lead role and
not a person of heft.
92
00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:01,147
Well, Peter, I'm just
glad you're on the news
93
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:04,559
for something other than sitting
on a hamster at a school event.
94
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,139
Hey, they said they
weren't gonna put that!
95
00:04:11,143 --> 00:04:12,900
Mr. Griffin, hi.
96
00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:14,753
I'm Josh Universal
from the movie.
97
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:17,314
I'm taking a break from
my horrific cocaine habit
98
00:04:17,332 --> 00:04:19,258
to ask you to sit down
with our producers
99
00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:22,502
for a "listening session"
to hear your concerns.
100
00:04:22,654 --> 00:04:25,264
And, on an unrelated note,
can I use your bathroom,
101
00:04:25,491 --> 00:04:27,415
and does anyone
have a rolled-up bill?
102
00:04:27,509 --> 00:04:29,659
Of course. I got a
special five just for that.
103
00:04:30,662 --> 00:04:34,255
All right, let's get
zapped and go see a play!
104
00:04:38,854 --> 00:04:40,988
That's odd.
105
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:48,512
Mr. Griffin, thank you
for meeting with us.
106
00:04:48,530 --> 00:04:49,679
Have a seat.
107
00:04:49,698 --> 00:04:51,181
Not on my lap!
108
00:04:51,274 --> 00:04:52,788
Sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
109
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:55,460
Peter Griffin, please
meet Brad Pitt.
110
00:04:59,358 --> 00:05:01,358
George Clooney's boyfriend?
111
00:05:01,376 --> 00:05:04,044
No, no. A few years ago,
he was cast in a marriage.
112
00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:05,953
Mr. Griffin, we've
asked you here
113
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,622
because we understand
you have an issue
114
00:05:07,716 --> 00:05:09,549
with Brad playing the
lead role in our movie.
115
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:13,294
We want to make sure we hear
and ignore all your concerns.
116
00:05:13,388 --> 00:05:15,981
Look, I know Brad
Pitt is a big star and all,
117
00:05:16,132 --> 00:05:18,052
but he's playing Chris
Christie, who's a fat guy.
118
00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:20,802
It seems unfair that the
role didn't go to a fat guy.
119
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:21,987
It only makes sense.
120
00:05:22,214 --> 00:05:24,323
Don't you think we
should cast the best actor,
121
00:05:24,474 --> 00:05:25,654
letting them interpret the role,
122
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:27,492
rather than depending
on physical traits?
123
00:05:27,719 --> 00:05:29,995
Not if you're taking the
role away from a fat guy.
124
00:05:30,146 --> 00:05:32,906
But, Mr. Griffin, Brad
Pitt is a highly skilled actor
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00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,076
who's won an Oscar and
lots of garbage Golden Globes.
126
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,502
You're not hearing my concerns.
127
00:05:37,654 --> 00:05:39,504
You don't know the
challenges fat guys face.
128
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,673
What it's like to have
to rock multiple times
129
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:44,234
to get off the couch, or
how it feels to have to poke
130
00:05:44,252 --> 00:05:46,011
a new hole in
your belt with a nail,
131
00:05:46,162 --> 00:05:48,088
only to realize
the end no longer
132
00:05:48,164 --> 00:05:49,406
tucks into the little loop,
133
00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:50,924
or the shame of
getting thrown out
134
00:05:51,076 --> 00:05:52,300
of a strip club for touching.
135
00:05:52,411 --> 00:05:54,411
That last thing doesn't
seem like a weight issue.
136
00:05:54,429 --> 00:05:56,170
You sound just like the judge!
137
00:05:56,264 --> 00:05:59,082
Look, the casting of this
movie is offensive to fat people,
138
00:05:59,175 --> 00:06:01,610
and I won't rest until
it gets shut down.
139
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,270
Mr. Griffin, look,
140
00:06:04,423 --> 00:06:07,866
what if we made you our
"official fat guy consultant"?
141
00:06:08,093 --> 00:06:09,534
Do you think I'm an idiot?
142
00:06:09,761 --> 00:06:11,352
Yes! What if I told you
143
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:14,188
we'll give you a P.A. who
will get you anything you want?
144
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,099
Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please.
145
00:06:16,192 --> 00:06:18,268
He's actually Judd
Apatow's nephew Zack.
146
00:06:18,286 --> 00:06:19,769
You can't tell him what to do.
147
00:06:19,938 --> 00:06:21,271
In fact, you work for him.
148
00:06:21,273 --> 00:06:22,544
I want you to get me this thing,
149
00:06:22,624 --> 00:06:25,050
and I can't remember
what it is or where I saw it.
150
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,095
Wow, I'm gonna learn so
much from his last name.
151
00:06:37,414 --> 00:06:39,639
The new season of
White Lotus is weird.
152
00:06:39,791 --> 00:06:42,234
Griffins, you are looking
at the Chris Christie movie's
153
00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:44,403
official fat guy consultant.
154
00:06:44,554 --> 00:06:47,239
Boy, that's a garbage
title if I ever heard one.
155
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:49,241
What? Wait a minute,
so instead of demanding
156
00:06:49,468 --> 00:06:51,410
they cast a plus-sized
actor, you caved
157
00:06:51,561 --> 00:06:53,245
when they offered
you a meaningless title?
158
00:06:53,396 --> 00:06:55,819
- What about everything you fought for?
- Don't you see, Brian?
159
00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:58,975
Now I can work the system
from the inside with dignity.
160
00:06:58,994 --> 00:07:01,536
Yes,
Mr. Apatow's nephew?
161
00:07:02,572 --> 00:07:04,756
Yes,
Mr. Apatow's nephew.
162
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:08,318
Yes,
Mr. Apatow's nephew.
163
00:07:08,336 --> 00:07:10,670
What does a fat guy
consultant even do?
164
00:07:10,822 --> 00:07:13,323
I'm the personal weight-gain
coach for Brad Pitt.
165
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:15,100
Wou-Would we get to meet him?
166
00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:17,177
Sure. My job is to
teach him how to think,
167
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,104
eat and live like a fat guy.
168
00:07:19,255 --> 00:07:20,830
So, just like that,
you're giving up?
169
00:07:20,849 --> 00:07:22,107
Brian, I'm a fat guy.
170
00:07:22,258 --> 00:07:23,530
I got all fired up
about something,
171
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,486
and now I'm tired and
I'd like some custard.
172
00:07:30,099 --> 00:07:33,100
Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend Brad Pitt.
173
00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:35,603
- My God!
- Whoa, nice to meet you.
174
00:07:35,697 --> 00:07:38,123
- Who's this now?
- He's a very famous actor.
175
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,033
He's like the white
Morris Chestnut.
176
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,943
- Damn!
- Wow!
177
00:07:42,037 --> 00:07:44,278
I can't believe I'm
sitting here with Brad Pitt.
178
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,613
I've got so many questions.
179
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,115
Like, what are the
other rules of Fight Club?
180
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,693
Well, the first rule is...
181
00:07:49,786 --> 00:07:51,211
No, I'm clear on the first rule.
182
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:54,030
And I know the second
rule is just repeating the first.
183
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:55,381
But there's got
to be loads more.
184
00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:58,793
Like, I got to think "no
sack attacks" is on there.
185
00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:00,067
Hey, Brad. Any
chance I could get
186
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,888
Jennifer Aniston's
number from you?
187
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,295
I know she's got
to be a nightmare,
188
00:08:03,375 --> 00:08:05,709
but she keeps it
so freakin' tight.
189
00:08:05,727 --> 00:08:06,727
Okay, enough small talk.
190
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,260
Let's do what I
brought him here for:
191
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:10,063
to break the
Internet with a group
192
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,824
head-smushed-together selfie.
193
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,995
Kevin Spacey? Get out of here.
194
00:08:17,222 --> 00:08:19,222
You're not allowed to be in
head-smushed-together photos
195
00:08:19,241 --> 00:08:20,332
after what you did.
196
00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:23,059
Not guilty on all
British counts.
197
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,545
That rascal.
198
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:33,570
Hi, you must be
Peter's wife. I'm Brad.
199
00:08:37,075 --> 00:08:40,076
I know who you
are. I'm...
200
00:08:40,169 --> 00:08:42,003
Hi, I'm...
201
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,429
Stewart. Charmed.
202
00:08:43,582 --> 00:08:45,248
I know you dump
people when they're 40,
203
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:48,026
but that still gives
us 39 good years.
204
00:08:48,253 --> 00:08:50,177
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt.
205
00:08:50,272 --> 00:08:52,346
Um, when you did
that movie Snatch,
206
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,515
did you know that also
means something else?
207
00:08:54,609 --> 00:08:56,183
Because it very much does.
208
00:08:56,278 --> 00:08:58,762
That's a sticky handshake
you got there, Chris.
209
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,764
Peter, I was wondering if
I could spend some time
210
00:09:00,782 --> 00:09:03,283
with you and your family,
observing how you live
211
00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:05,710
and how you eat, to
prepare for the role.
212
00:09:05,862 --> 00:09:07,120
Sure, I'd be glad to help.
213
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,606
Wow, I ain't had a
celebrity ask me for a favor
214
00:09:09,657 --> 00:09:12,125
since Jeremy Renner asked
me to shovel out his driveway.
215
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:16,037
Jeremy,
in light of recent events...
216
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,557
could ol' Pete borrow your skis?
217
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:24,137
Okay, Brad, I'm gonna
teach you to be a fat guy.
218
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,306
For starters, this
is where we eat.
219
00:09:26,458 --> 00:09:29,401
Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt,
but would you mind
220
00:09:29,628 --> 00:09:31,311
if I FaceTime my
friends with you here?
221
00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:33,721
My God, they'll go crazy!
222
00:09:33,815 --> 00:09:35,240
Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure.
223
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,087
Boy.
224
00:09:50,239 --> 00:09:52,465
This-this is sad.
225
00:09:53,985 --> 00:09:57,429
This-this is just...
226
00:09:57,656 --> 00:10:00,006
Why don't I just
take this, dear.
227
00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:08,422
Okay, Brad, now,
another fat guy rule is that
228
00:10:08,516 --> 00:10:10,591
when you're out at
restaurants, always act like
229
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,110
you're on the
fence about dessert.
230
00:10:12,261 --> 00:10:14,337
So, folks, we thinking dessert?
231
00:10:14,339 --> 00:10:16,114
Seriously? You must be joking.
232
00:10:16,341 --> 00:10:19,117
I cannot move. No, sir. No way.
233
00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:20,860
Absolutely stuffed to the gills.
234
00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:22,284
Gonna have to take a rain check.
235
00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:24,514
Although... No, no, I
can't even suggest it.
236
00:10:24,607 --> 00:10:28,017
We are done.
Done-a-roo. Check, please.
237
00:10:28,036 --> 00:10:29,443
Although... just thinking,
238
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,112
I don't know when
we'll be back here.
239
00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:32,966
I read about the
award-winning pastry chef...
240
00:10:33,116 --> 00:10:34,782
Wait, what am I saying? No! No.
241
00:10:34,909 --> 00:10:36,189
Stop me, please,
someone, please.
242
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,861
Bring the check now.
243
00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:40,135
Okay, you know what, we'll
get one order and we'll all share.
244
00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:42,140
One dessert, one
dish, five spoons.
245
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:43,700
Whoever wants can have some.
246
00:10:43,718 --> 00:10:45,644
One plate. One of
everything. My plate.
247
00:10:45,795 --> 00:10:47,729
One spoon. No share.
248
00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:52,388
Now, Brad, if you're gonna
play a fat guy on camera,
249
00:10:52,468 --> 00:10:55,195
you got to learn how
to do the rope swing.
250
00:10:57,473 --> 00:10:59,199
Okay, let me show
you how it's done.
251
00:11:04,572 --> 00:11:06,814
900,000 views.
252
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,058
- I'm learning so much.
- That's great.
253
00:11:09,152 --> 00:11:11,060
Hey, can you click
on a porn site for me?
254
00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:12,599
Otherwise I got to
peck it with my nose
255
00:11:12,731 --> 00:11:14,631
like a tic-tac-toe chicken.
256
00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:22,922
Here you go.
257
00:11:23,074 --> 00:11:24,516
Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin.
258
00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,092
I love a home-cooked meal.
259
00:11:26,244 --> 00:11:28,836
Well, we are so
happy to have you.
260
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,263
- How's Shiloh?
- Who?
261
00:11:30,415 --> 00:11:31,839
- How's Maddox?
- Who?
262
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,507
- How's Zahara?
- Who?
263
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:34,859
- How's Pax?
- Who?
264
00:11:35,011 --> 00:11:36,236
- How's Vivienne?
- Who?
265
00:11:36,271 --> 00:11:37,511
- How's Knox?
- Who?
266
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,364
Ignore her, she
can be so annoying.
267
00:11:39,515 --> 00:11:41,274
Sometimes I wish I
had a private plane
268
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,410
just so I could choke her on it.
269
00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:48,431
Hey, can I get you anything?
270
00:11:48,524 --> 00:11:51,617
Another pork-n-Cheetos
sandwich or a buffalo latte?
271
00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:53,027
I'm good, Peter, thanks.
272
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,454
Brad, you're up!
273
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,293
Brad? Are you okay?
274
00:12:00,445 --> 00:12:03,037
My back. I threw out
my back. I can't move.
275
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,781
Hey, since you can't
really move right now,
276
00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:06,540
this is probably a
good time to ask,
277
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,393
what's Juliette
Lewis really like?
278
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:11,545
Nice.
Talented. Professional.
279
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:14,357
- A little shrill.
- Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right.
280
00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:20,221
I don't think I can walk.
281
00:12:20,298 --> 00:12:22,315
We can't push back
our schedule any more.
282
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,075
If Brad's injured,
what are we gonna do?
283
00:12:24,152 --> 00:12:25,802
We'll need a new Chris Christie.
284
00:12:25,820 --> 00:12:29,205
But who could possibly play
that role on such short notice?
285
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:31,991
I can play that role.
286
00:12:32,143 --> 00:12:34,235
Griffin, you're
not even an actor.
287
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,829
No, but what I am
is a real fat guy.
288
00:12:36,982 --> 00:12:38,572
Brad Pitt was never
the right choice.
289
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:41,575
This role calls for real-life
fat guy authenticity.
290
00:12:41,653 --> 00:12:43,486
I mean, would Transparent
have been as good
291
00:12:43,505 --> 00:12:45,171
if they just put
a guy in a dress?
292
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,081
Would Neil Patrick
Harris have been as funny
293
00:12:47,175 --> 00:12:48,749
on How I Met Your
Mother if he wasn't
294
00:12:48,843 --> 00:12:50,751
a known heterosexual horndog?
295
00:12:50,845 --> 00:12:52,525
Would Tropic Thunder
have been as authentic
296
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:56,065
if Robert Downey Jr.
Wasn't a dignified Black man?
297
00:12:57,168 --> 00:12:58,926
We're in a jam.
What do you think?
298
00:12:59,095 --> 00:13:00,761
I don't think we have
any other choice.
299
00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:03,172
All right, Griffin,
you got the part.
300
00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:05,024
Awesome! I'm gonna
FaceTime my friends.
301
00:13:05,101 --> 00:13:06,859
They're gonna be
so excited for me.
302
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,626
Boy.
303
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,629
This-this is sad.
304
00:13:23,528 --> 00:13:25,708
We now return
to a steamy business drama
305
00:13:25,788 --> 00:13:27,880
where no one understands
what's happening.
306
00:13:28,033 --> 00:13:30,624
Are you saying we should
forge the EBITDA projections
307
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,218
- for the quarterlies?
- No.
308
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,716
I'm saying we
declare a revenue-miss
309
00:13:33,796 --> 00:13:35,296
while issuing additional shares
310
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,723
based on reduced
capitalization estimates.
311
00:13:37,892 --> 00:13:39,967
Jim, you're in grave danger
312
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,561
of violating the
Glass-Steagall Act.
313
00:13:41,713 --> 00:13:44,213
They haven't shown
a bare ass in three weeks!
314
00:13:44,307 --> 00:13:45,898
Show me your ass, Jim.
315
00:13:46,051 --> 00:13:47,141
And I'm back.
316
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,053
Griffins, you are
looking at the new lead
317
00:13:50,146 --> 00:13:51,904
in the Chris Christie movie.
318
00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:54,499
You? Wh-What
happened to Brad Pitt?
319
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:56,726
It's what I've been
saying all along, Lois.
320
00:13:56,819 --> 00:13:58,061
He can't do what I do.
321
00:13:58,079 --> 00:14:00,112
He doesn't bring the
fat guy authenticity.
322
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,231
His sweat doesn't
smell like french fries.
323
00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:04,250
He doesn't bring the
sky-high blood pressure
324
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,902
or the jolting sleep apnea.
325
00:14:05,995 --> 00:14:07,846
I have that gift. That's why.
326
00:14:07,997 --> 00:14:09,906
Peter, this is ridiculous.
327
00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:11,516
You can't play Chris Christie.
328
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,500
You're not even an actor.
329
00:14:13,578 --> 00:14:14,744
No?
330
00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:18,581
Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes!
331
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,007
Sound familiar?
332
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,085
- But how do you...?
- Squirt gun full of Ivory.
333
00:14:22,178 --> 00:14:25,530
Sorry, Lunchables, I'm
afraid I've lost my appetite.
334
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,090
Peter, I'm proud of you.
335
00:14:27,092 --> 00:14:28,455
You're actually
making important strides
336
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,018
on behalf of inclusivity
and cultural sensitivity.
337
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,203
Yeah, I'm all for that stuff.
338
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,854
As long as we don't
got to take down
339
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,281
the Confederate
statue in the yard.
340
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,266
That's for history and learning.
341
00:14:37,285 --> 00:14:38,725
Even if they did
come in second place
342
00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:40,286
out of two armies in a war.
343
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,439
- So, how'd we do?
- Second place, baby.
344
00:14:43,532 --> 00:14:44,941
Hey, not bad.
345
00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:47,468
Silver medal. Whoo!
346
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,332
Okay, Peter, so,
in this next scene,
347
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,377
Christie would probably
struggle in the heat and sun
348
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,379
on the George Washington Bridge.
349
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,881
You presume to
lecture me what it's like?
350
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,142
How dare you thinsplain to me?
351
00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:05,904
Talk to me when
your BMI is over 35.
352
00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:07,888
Wow, a real live movie set.
353
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,057
So cool to be
here for the magic.
354
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,801
Yeah, and look,
there's a child star
355
00:15:11,819 --> 00:15:13,099
who's getting an hour of school.
356
00:15:13,304 --> 00:15:15,896
Okay, Billy, now,
what color is this?
357
00:15:15,974 --> 00:15:17,564
- Blue?
- Close enough.
358
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,824
Now get back out there
359
00:15:18,977 --> 00:15:21,644
and be the most
distracting part of any film.
360
00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:20,720
Peter, your big movie premiere.
361
00:16:20,888 --> 00:16:22,538
This is so exciting!
362
00:16:22,631 --> 00:16:25,391
Did Dr. Hartman bring a
woman in a coma as his date?
363
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,635
Hey, guys, big night,
See you in there.
364
00:16:30,715 --> 00:16:33,974
God, here come those
mindless entertainment reporters
365
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:35,901
who only want to know,
"Who are you wearing?"
366
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,720
- Stewie! - Stewie.
- Over here, Stewie.
367
00:16:37,739 --> 00:16:40,223
How do you respond to
those who accuse your show
368
00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,241
of trafficking in
decades of misogyny,
369
00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:45,061
homophobia and racially
insensitive stereotyping?
370
00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:47,654
Thom Browne, thank you.
371
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,007
Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go.
372
00:16:49,234 --> 00:16:51,751
And here's the star of
the film, Peter Griffin.
373
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,344
What are you
wearing tonight, Peter?
374
00:16:53,421 --> 00:16:56,163
Well, Tom, the shirt is actually
two shirts sewn together.
375
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,516
The jacket is stolen from
a steak house maître d',
376
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,243
and the pants are a towel.
377
00:17:00,245 --> 00:17:02,762
You know, I hear you were
quite the prankster on set.
378
00:17:02,914 --> 00:17:03,944
Well, it wasn't so much pranks
379
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,304
as yelling and
shouting at women.
380
00:17:05,416 --> 00:17:06,838
Yeah, a lot of 'em
aren't here tonight.
381
00:17:06,918 --> 00:17:09,268
They're doing some town
hall meeting with Gloria Allred.
382
00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,154
We'll see what happens.
383
00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:17,593
The after-party's at a Panera
384
00:17:17,612 --> 00:17:20,204
that's still open to
normal customers.
385
00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:24,024
Thank you all for coming.
386
00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:26,269
- Giggity.
- It was a lot of hard work.
387
00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:29,285
- Giggity.
- And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike,
388
00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:32,366
we were unable to write
a third joke for this speech.
389
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,945
Hey!
390
00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:37,238
That's your father's
movie up there.
391
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,948
Pay attention, you dope.
392
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,456
Repeat after me.
393
00:17:47,625 --> 00:17:50,293
- I's am governor.
- I's am governor.
394
00:17:50,311 --> 00:17:52,962
- Youse are not.
- Youse are not.
395
00:17:52,964 --> 00:17:55,648
Big Pussy didn't
deserve to die like that
396
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:56,908
in The Sopranos.
397
00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:58,484
But he was a freakin' rat!
398
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,986
Congratulations, you are
the governor of New Jersey.
399
00:18:01,139 --> 00:18:03,230
Now let's all root for
the Jets and the Mets
400
00:18:03,324 --> 00:18:04,990
like the idiots we are.
401
00:18:14,335 --> 00:18:17,320
Lord, please protect us
from this coming hurricane.
402
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:20,172
It's bad enough you gave me
the same first and last name.
403
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,825
Please don't let me
be killed by a Sandy.
404
00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:26,662
The fellas at the Y would never
let me hear the end of it. Amen.
405
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:33,336
Chris, you're dying.
406
00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,838
Don't remember me like this.
407
00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,949
Remember me
stuffed like a sausage
408
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,785
into that NYPD softball uniform.
409
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,444
Hey, that was terrific.
410
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,964
What an achievement.
411
00:18:53,115 --> 00:18:54,612
You really did it, buddy.
412
00:18:54,692 --> 00:18:56,525
What are you guys
talking about? I stunk.
413
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:57,619
I can't act at all.
414
00:18:57,712 --> 00:18:59,011
No...
415
00:18:59,121 --> 00:19:02,198
You were, very believably fat.
416
00:19:02,216 --> 00:19:03,957
Didn't you notice half the time
417
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,377
I was staring right
into the camera?
418
00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:08,053
They had to use peanut
butter to get me on my mark.
419
00:19:08,206 --> 00:19:09,294
Yeah, but you've
done a great thing
420
00:19:09,374 --> 00:19:11,223
for authenticity
and inclusivity.
421
00:19:11,376 --> 00:19:12,572
I don't even know
what those words mean,
422
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,894
I just like to see your tail
wag when you say 'em.
423
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:17,488
Peter, you're giving
the marginalized a voice.
424
00:19:17,715 --> 00:19:18,898
How are they marginalized?
425
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:21,141
The whole country's
full of dumb, fat.
426
00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:24,570
Now more than ever, we
need authenticity and inclusivity.
427
00:19:24,722 --> 00:19:26,831
No, Brian. What we
need is good actors.
428
00:19:27,058 --> 00:19:28,724
I don't care if they're
Black, white, tall,
429
00:19:28,743 --> 00:19:30,001
short, thin, fat.
430
00:19:30,152 --> 00:19:31,649
Gay, straight... You
forgot those ones.
431
00:19:31,729 --> 00:19:33,838
Look, I-I admit I
thought acting was easy.
432
00:19:34,065 --> 00:19:36,007
And maybe I was blinded
by all the praise I got
433
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:37,733
from Harvey Weinstein.
434
00:19:37,752 --> 00:19:40,736
Peter, Harvey Weinstein
hasn't had clout for like six years.
435
00:19:40,905 --> 00:19:43,088
Boy. Then I may have
done some things I'll regret.
436
00:19:43,908 --> 00:19:46,242
I don't know, I guess, as
a fat guy, I-I got offended
437
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,427
that Chris Christie
wasn't played by a fat guy.
438
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,855
But turns out it just
needed to be a good actor.
439
00:19:51,006 --> 00:19:53,006
Maybe we should all
spend less time judging
440
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:54,266
and more time enjoying
441
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,252
what different actors
bring to different roles.
442
00:19:56,387 --> 00:19:58,679
That's the magic
of movies and TV.
443
00:19:58,773 --> 00:20:00,105
And stepson porn.
444
00:20:00,274 --> 00:20:02,591
Chris, you don't have to
join every conversation.
445
00:20:05,112 --> 00:20:06,312
Okay, look, look, I understand
446
00:20:06,431 --> 00:20:08,355
not everyone will
agree on this issue,
447
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,374
but let's discuss it
in a civilized manner
448
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:12,968
by making death threats
from our individual homes
449
00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:14,712
to one another on the Internet.
450
00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:20,551
Right back at you, buddy.
451
00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:29,227
Well, I'm sorry your movie
didn't go over well, Peter.
452
00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:30,953
Yeah, the money was
good, but I got tired of
453
00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:32,063
all the one-night stands.
454
00:20:32,214 --> 00:20:33,064
What?
455
00:20:33,215 --> 00:20:34,640
Sorry, my ears have been clogged
456
00:20:34,792 --> 00:20:36,717
since I made out with
that guy from the film crew.
457
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,884
What?
458
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,144
Well, I got to say, Bri,
459
00:20:39,297 --> 00:20:40,309
it might not have
worked out for Dad,
460
00:20:40,389 --> 00:20:42,723
but I sure got bit
by the acting bug.
461
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,022
Really? You want to be an actor?
462
00:20:44,151 --> 00:20:46,635
Yeah. I'd be
great in Streetcar.
463
00:20:46,654 --> 00:20:50,248
Stella! Stella!
464
00:20:50,399 --> 00:20:51,732
What?!
465
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,043
Is Aidan home?
466
00:20:54,123 --> 00:20:56,123
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