All language subtitles for Doom.Patrol.S01E10.WEB.x264-PHOENiX[eztv]

[Niles]
Previously on Doom Patrol...

[Vic] What's the
Bureau of Normalcy?

[Larry] It's a top secret
government agency, run by
a bunch of demented zealots.

They stomp out anything
they deem to be aberrations.

[Cliff]
Hey, it's me. Jane.

Her brain activity's
off the charts, and yet... nothing.

Jane's in there somewhere.

[gasping]

[Cliff]
What the hell happened here?

[both] Long story.

[Cliff] If you're feeling
homicidal urges, just gives us
a little heads up, all right?

I said, shut up.

-I was trying to protect you.
-By lying?

[Larry]
How did Niles get involved
with superheroes?

Niles never said.

You know he has his secrets.

Niles and his secrets.

Sounds like you and I know
two different Niles Caulders.

[Niles] From the
Journal of Niles Caulder,
4th of December, 1913.

We've set up north
on an exploratory mission
for the Bureau of Oddities.

Washington doubts
our department's value,

but I am eager to prove
what we are capable of.

[cocks rifle]

Steady on, Alistair.

We're explorers,
not mercenaries.

[Alistair] You tell that
to the Turks that were
just up this way

about seven months ago.

Only one man returned.

Barely.

You know what
he claims he saw?

[Niles]
Those men were hunters.

We're not.

If this creature exists,

there's no reason to believe
it's gonna be of any danger to us.

In fact, it might mean us
no harm at all.

[fire crackling]

[chuckles]

[Alistair] Oh, friend.

Anything that can survive
this frozen hell

absolutely
wants to do you harm.

[groans]

[grunts]

[groaning]

[wolves howling]

[wolf growling]

[snarls]

[rifle firing]

You remind that wolf
that you're an explorer,

-not a hunter.
-You saved my life.

I thought I told you not to
wander away from camp without--

-[growls]
-[screams]

Alistair!

[Alistair] Run!

-[bones snap]
-[groaning]

[wolves howling]

[grunting]

[wolf snarling]

[gasps]

[grunting]

-[growling]
-[gasps]

[wolves whining]

No.

Wait. Please.

No.

Please.

-Please.
-[growls]

[Mrs. Franklin]
Ernest, are you down there?

[Ernest]
What is it, Mother?

We're out of Lean Cuisine.

I no longer require
Lean Cuisine for sustenance,
Mother.

I maintain my physique

through a high-calorie
ketogenic diet and mental focus.

-[Mrs. Franklin] I need you
to go to the market.
-[sighs]

What?

Why?

Why can't you go?

[Mrs. Franklin]
I'm watching This Is Us.

Fuck This Is Us.

[Mrs. Franklin]
The keys are by the door.

-And don't forget to pick up
more scratchers.
-[sighs]

Mama!

I'm very busy right now!

Mom?

Mom!

Mom!

[upbeat music playing
over speakers]

Canned peaches
are on aisle five,
old-timer.

[chuckles]

[bar code scanner beeping]

That's for my mom.

That's for me.

We know all about your
hemorrhoid cream preferences,

Ernest Franklin.

Who the fuck are you?

Try The United States
fucking Government.
Bureau of Normalcy.

I'm familiar
with your work.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

Normally, the Bureau
operates in the shadows,

entirely self-regulated.

But desperate times
call for... people like you.

People like me?

One of our top agents,
Darren Jones,

failed to report in
from assignment.

We believe that
he had an encounter
with the associates

of a gentleman by the name
of Niles Caulder.

We believe that a man
of your... talents

can locate Niles Caulder
and bring him in
for questioning.

Do you think
you can handle that?

[scoffs]

Prepare yourself,
Beard Hunter.

You've been activated.

Mom?

Where are my shuriken?

[Mrs. Franklin]
Check the dishwasher.

I told you, they're
hand-wash only!

Mom!
I need your help, please!

[Mrs. Franklin]
What happened?

You stuck in your
costume again?

It's not a costume!

Fuck!

Niles Caulder,
I'm coming for you.

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

[sniffs]

[retching]

[groaning]

[exclaims]

Who's there?

[screaming]

[panting]

[thudding]

I am an Agent of the Oddities.

I am not afraid of death.

I am not afraid of death.

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

Yes.

[Vic] There's absolutely
nothing wrong with her.

Her brain activity's
off the charts, and yet, nothing.

Jane's in there somewhere.

[Cliff]
So how do we pull her out?

[Vic] I don't know.
Part of me wishes
that we could just...

shrink ourselves
Magic School Bus style,

and get inside her head.

What?

I'm just marveling
at your embrace of the weird

and utterly impossible.

[Cliff] What?

Cliff?

[Rita sighs] Cliff?

-Cliff!
-We get it, Rita.

Do you?

Three people
are unconscious now,

and you're just, what,
all good?

What exactly
is the plan here?

I have no idea.

But whatever it is,
looks like it's working.

[Rita] Oh, really?

Forgive me for having doubts,

but what do we really know
about this... thing?

What exactly are you?

Well, I can see why Larry
is so fond of you.

This never would've happened
if the Chief were still here.

You're right.
He's gone.

But us standing around
waiting for these three
is not gonna change that.

Let's get back to work.

[breath shaking]

Hello.

I'm Dr. Niles Evelyn Caulder.
I'm...

I'm a research explorer
from the Bureau of Oddities.

Please, I'm separated
from my partner. I...

You know I'm wounded.
I'm not a threat to you.

Please, those men up there,

I'm not like them.

Those men are hunters.

I'm not a hunter.

I'm a friend.

[breath shaking]

I'm very cold.

Please, could I...

Could I move a bit closer
to the fire?

I'm not gonna survive this,
whatever your plans are.

[groans]

I just wanna get...
[groans]

a little bit warm.

[panicked screaming]

[grunts]

Please, stop.

I'm sorry.

[grunts]

[Niles sobbing]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[Rita] So Danny
is a talking street?

-[Vic] Yeah.
-[Rita] Where everyone is gay?

No. I don't know.
It's a place for
all kinds of people.

And it travels?

Not "it," "they."

Danny's gender queer.

And they jump, yeah.

And "they" gave you
a comic book?

Look, when you get a comic book
from a talking street named Danny,

it isn't just a comic book.
It has to have some kind of clue.

Well, give it here.

Look, anything that gets us
closer to finding the Chief,

no matter how absurd
or obtuse or dangerous,

we have to use it
to our advantage.

Talking streets,
comic books.

I always thought
the weirdest thing
in Chief's life was us.

That's odd.
The hunk is missing.

[Vic] What?

Cartoon hunk.
The hunky muscle man
in this advertisement.

Mmm. I must've seen this add
100 times as a girl.

There's supposed to be
a man there,

but it's empty. It's like
he just walked out
of the comic book.

[door creaking]

[whispering] Oh, yeah.

Okay, easy.

Here we go. Easy.

Okay.

Oh!

Be smart now, Ernest.

A little bit goes a long way.

Mmm.

[groans]

[swallows]

[burps]

[thudding]

[Niles] From the Journal
of Niles Caulder.

I've spent weeks
at the mercy of this
primitive creature.

Finally, my strength
has started to return.

This specimen
seemingly exists

in complete opposition
to the modern world,

entirely removed
from mankind.

She would be the crown jewel
of the Bureau's collection.

Oh, don't be alarmed.

My... My leg
is feeling better.

It's feeling good,
thank you.

I'll be able
to leave soon.

I'll have to go home.

Home...

I'll have to go.

Home!

You could come with me.

[chomping loudly]

Mmm.

[panting]

My people would love
to see you.

They'd take great care of you.

I'm never gonna
leave here, am I?

You didn't save me.
You kidnapped me.

I'm just your pet.

I'm a play thing to you.

That's what you think of me,
isn't it?

How dare you!

I'm not a pet monkey!

I'm not an animal!

You're the animal!

We are not animals!

I'm not an animal.

Stay back.

Don't you come near me.

You've kept me here
against my will.

You've bound my hands.

I can't! I will not...

These are not animals
left to rot.

They are men.

They deserve a proper burial.

It's the right...

It's the Christian
thing to do.

[Niles coughing]

[grunts]

My God.

What is this place?

Oh God,
this is remarkable.

[Niles] There appears
to be even more to this
strange creature

than I'd originally assumed.

I'd always suspected
that my captor was primitive,

but I never considered
what that truly meant.

This ancient culture,

tens of thousands of years old
by my estimation,

was once a proud tribe.

But one by one,
they faded away.

Except...

Unless my eyes
deceived me,

my captor had existed
within this tribe for generations.

Every era.

The question was, how?

Eternal life.

Something I never before
considered possible.

Something I struggled
to comprehend.

My mind raced with questions,

but I could not
find my voice.

I could only bear witness,

and behold her.

[grunting]

Oyewah.

Oyewah.

[Niles] Finally,
I began to understand

the nature of the creature
I had found.

Mmm.

[breathes deeply]

[creature growls]

[growls]

[Niles] And then,
in a single moment...

Oyewah.

[growls softly]

I realized that I understood
absolutely nothing at all.

[howling]

[groaning]

It's really you!

Cyborg!

Yes, yes, the famous Cyborg.
Incredible.

And you are?

Looking for one Niles Caulder.

Missing.

How do you know Niles Caulder?

Oh, I know all about
Niles Caulder.

I know how
the Bureau of Normalcy
is looking for him.

I know about his
band of freaks,

the race car driver,
the basket case,

the test pilot,
the Hollywood actress...

[laughs]
And so much more.

I'm sorry. Who are you, again?

Well, I'm known by many names.

In Spain, they call me
El Cazador de Barba.

My psyche profile,
they call me a pogonophile.

But most commonly,
those who dare speak my name

call me the Beard Hunter.

[Cyborg scoffs]

[Cyborg] Okay.
The Beard Hunter.

So the Bureau
of Normalcy hired...

[scoffs] the Beard Hunter.

Okay, what else
do we need to know?

If you're the Beard Hunter,
why don't you have a beard?

Hormone disorder.

Man, how do you
know Niles Caulder?

I consumed Niles' essence.

Fragments of his facial hair.

Still fresh.

-Ugh.
-[Cyborg] Wait. Hold up.

"Consumed his essence"?

You didn't...

In the bathroom,

did you eat Niles' drain scum?

-Ugh.
-[Cyborg] Why?

What's a soggy piece of hair
got to do with the Chief?

[distorted] What's hair
got to do with the Chief?

[smacking lips]

[bubble popping]

You better back your ass up.

I'm sure you care very much
about finding the Chief.

We all do.

But I'm not sure
he can help you with
whatever is wrong with you.

Help me?

You really don't know
him at all, do you?

You think finding Niles
will rescue you from
your pathetic lives,

but Niles Caulder is not the
man he's led you to believe.

Niles Caulder is not
your savior.

He's a false god.

Finding him will
change nothing.

You'll still be nothing more
than a broken football star

and a washed-up actress.

Then just tell me why
we should be listening

to this crazy-ass lunatic
we just found passed out
in the bathroom?

'Cause I know the truth
about Niles Caulder,

and I know how to find him.

His beard calls out to me
from across time and space.

I can hear its siren song.

That's my superpower.

My je ne sais quoi.

I can trace a man's beard
anywhere it is,

anywhere it has been.

Okay.

[thudding]

[smacking lips]

Okay, I'm done.

Never underestimate
the power of the beard.

[Niles] From the journal
of Niles Caulder, date unknown.

After the funeral, I choose to
remain and study the creature
in her natural habitat.

She wields a psychic power
with incredible potential.

What other wonders could
she possible unlock?

Immortality.

A bridge to the unknown.

She is the ultimate discovery.

She represents all the
Bureau of Oddities stands for.

[woman grunting]

-Horkon.
-[Niles] Horkon?

-That's a new one.
-Horkon laka.

-Horkon?
-Horkon.

-[ice breaks]
-[Niles screams]

[gasping]

[Niles] After that day,

I fell deathly ill.

[coughing]

[sighs]

[coughing]

[grunting]

[Niles] Stay back.

I'm not well.

[woman grunting]

[woman groaning]

[exclaims]

[groaning]

[Niles]
Were if not for each other,

we would have perished.

Oyewah.

Oyewah.

[woman grunts]

You are remarkable.

[both moaning]

[Rita] All right,
that gentleman
is clearly a nut muffin,

but I think we should
try to use him.

If he knows where the Chief is,
that can help us.

Maybe we can co-star with him.

You mean "team-up"?

Yes, that.

[sighs]

If it helps us find the Chief,
we have to follow it.

That's what you said, right?
No matter what.

[exhales]

[groans]

[inhaling]

Ah!

All right, you're right, um...

-Okay, here's the plan.
-Mmm.

-We just let him go.
-What?

Something tells me
this Beard Hunter guy
isn't much of a team player.

But we can track him,
using this.

Impressive doohickey, Victor.

But how are we supposed
to track him?

[thudding]

Hey! He hasn't told
you yet, has he?

What's wrong with him?

He's been lying to all of you!
Haven't you, Victor?

Okay, Beard Hunter,
you're, like, a nine.

I'm gonna need you to
take it down to, like, a four.

It's too late, Cyborg.
I consumed a sample
of your essence.

I'm inside your head now.

Facial hair connects me
to the secrets of the universe.

It's the ultimate flavor savor.

All the memories,
secrets, sandwiches...

A man's beard
witnesses all things.

And only I can
decode the language.

You wet the bed until
you were six years old.

You killed your mother
when you were 18.

When you were little,
you called her "Cotton Candy,"

and she called you--

[yelling]

I know it all!

Your facial hair connects
me directly to the brain stem.

Sure.

[shouting]

[Ernest] Ha!

Whoo!

Just hit him already!

Tell me, Cyborg. Why would
a man like Niles Caulder

choose to live with a gallery
of rejects like her?

And why would he want
you to join them?

[Cyborg grunts]

Grid, diagnostic check.

What's up with my arm cannon?

[Grid] Unknown threat detected.

Host has been compromised.

-What?
-Well, well, well...

Looks like I'm not the only one
inside your head.

[Grid] Initiating
total system control.

What is he talking about?

[Ernest] That's what
you were told, right, Cyborg?

The search for Niles Caulder
would destroy you all.

-Shut up!
-Victor, what are you doing?

[Cyborg] Grid.

[Grid] Weapons systems
have been activated.

Grid, deactivate cannon.

-Here we go.
-I repeat--

[all scream]

[panting]

[Rita] What on Earth
is wrong with you?

[Cyborg] There's nothing
wrong with me.

[footsteps approaching]

Beard Hunter!

Just admit it.

You'll never find the Chief.

You don't want to.

You're afraid of what you'll
find if you keep looking.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

Actually, I've seen who you
and Niles Caulder really are.

And the truth is...

[sighs]

You're not gonna
like the truth.

[Rita sighs]

Oh.

Here he comes.

Grid.

Stand down.

I got this.

[Grid] Host has
been compromised.

System control has
been deemed necessary.

Listen to the little voice
in your head, Cyborg.

You're not in control.

-[Grid] Target acquired.
-[Cyborg straining]

-[Grid] Lethal force activated.
-[Cyborg] Grid, stop!

-[Grid] T-minus five...
-Stop now!

-Careful!
-[Grid] ...four, three, two...

-[Cyborg grunts]
-Stop!

[panting]

[laughs]

[Rita] You could
have killed them!

Victor, shut it down!

I can't.

[stammering] "I can't."

-Victor?
-Victor?

[panting] Voice Command.
Activate emergency shutdown.

Code word, "Elinore."

[system shutting down]

Get out of here.

-I'm sorry?
-[Rita] Go!

Look at me. Look at my face.

I want you to always
remember this.

Ernest Franklin,

the man who defeated Cyborg.

I wonder, who will
play me in the movie?

[Ernest laughs]

It's okay. Just let him go.

[Niles] Spring has sprung,

and life is returning.

I have chosen to remain
here in the north.

This is no longer a journey
of scientific discovery

but an exploration
of something deeper.

Something within myself.

There is nothing but the hunt,

nothing but the thrill

and peril

of survival.

It's liberating.

Days pass into months.

Months pass into years.

My old life fades.

My new life feels

eternal.

♪ I'll home to me parents
Confess what I've done ♪

♪ And ask them to pardon
Their prodigal son ♪

♪ And when they've caressed me
As ofttimes before ♪

♪ I never will play
The wild rover no more ♪

♪ And it's no, nay, never ♪

♪ No, nay, never no more ♪

♪ Will I play the wild rover ♪

♪ No never no more ♪

Hello, old friend.

I can't believe you're alive
after all this time.

[sighs]

Did you know that
I went to your funeral?

-Hmm.
-[chuckles]

Niles, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
left you up here.

If anyone should be asking
forgiveness, Alistair, it's me.

Those scars.

In fact, I should
be thanking you.

I finally found where I belong.

[Alistair] You can't possibly
plan on staying out here.

[Niles] Ah, the Bureau will
manage fine without me.

[Alistair] You've been gone
a long time, Niles.

The world's changed.

We're at war.

A Great War.

Worst anyone's ever seen.

I didn't know.

We had no choice.

Organization had to change.

Mission had to evolve.

Odd is out. Normal is in.

What does that mean?

The mission.

We still seek out that
which is abnormal,

only now we exterminate.

You've been gone, Niles.

The world no longer
needs explorers.

The world always
needs explorers.

[Alistair] Tell me, how did
you do it, survive out here?

[Niles] I was fortunate.

I found the bodies
of those two missing hunters.

They had equipment, gear,
enough for me to survive.

I foraged.

And I learned to hunt.

Winters were difficult.

I managed to find shelter.

Well, I sure had
the wrong impression of you,
Niles Caulder.

Your hairy little girlfriend.

She didn't have
anything to do with your
miraculous survival, did she?

Don't deny it.

I've seen her.

I've been tracking her.

She's good.

Haven't found her nest.

[rifle clicking]

Why don't you show me?

[Rita] What the hell
happened back there?

Just a glitch.

Victor.

Something's wrong.

With me.

Ever since my reset
button got pushed,

something's been
wrong in my system.

And it's getting worse.

Did you ask
your father for help?

I can't trust my dad.

If I ask him for help,
he would just

take control of my whole system
and never let go.

He's not like Niles.

He's, um...

I gotta handle this
whole thing on my own.

What are you going
to do about it, then?

We can't keep blowing up
the mansion every other day.

I can fix it.

I promise.

But don't tell anyone yet.

They rest of the team
can't know.

They'll worry I'm
turning into that...

psychopath
in Jane's painting.

What are the rest of us
supposed to do in the meantime?

We need you.

We need the Chief.

As ridiculous as it sounds,

our best chance
of finding him just

kicked my ass
with some beard magic.

Thank goodness I was able
to stick him

with that tracking doohickey
thing of yours
before he got away.

You're kidding.

Mmm.

Rita Farr, you're amazing!

Fix yourself up quick.

Once you're back online,

we'll track down
the Beard Hunter together.

[sighs] Thank you.

-[electricity buzzing]
-[gasps]

[gasps]

[system whirring]

[panting]

[Rita] Welcome back, Jane.

Give her some room.

[Cliff] What the hell
happened here?

[both] Long story.

What happened in there?

[Cliff]
It's not my story to tell.

I get it.

[Alistair] Fortunate.

That monster you and I were
after all these years

turned out to be nothing more
than a hairy little troll.

After last time,

I traveled north
with half a dozen men
for protection.

[chuckles]

Seems silly now.

How did you find her?

She found me.

Bureau will give me
an award for this one.

[ice cracking]

Both of us.

[ice continues cracking]

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

[Niles] I believe
the word is...

"Horkon."

[ice breaking]

[Alistair screams]

[Alistair gasping]

I'm not the man you remember.

Help me!

No one can know about her.

Ah!

She's my secret to protect
from the world.

Help!

Oyewah.

[sighs]

[men chattering]

[Niles] My journey to the north
was fraught with peril.

It came at a great cost.

But I'm pleased
to report to the gentlemen
of the Bureau that,

whilst my experience
was unique,

there is nothing odd to report.

There is no monster
to speak of.

I was alone for many years.

But, in that time,
I did make a discovery.

I discovered the strength
inside myself to survive

and to outwit

and outlast

whatever true monsters
this world has to offer.

Thank you.

[all applauding]

[loud applause]

Well, what do you know? Even
I discovered something today.

Didn't know you've been
eavesdropping on my memories.

[Mr. Morden] Haven't
you noticed?

I'm crafting a story
piece by piece.

"The Search for the Chief."
This...

unexpected wet dream of yours,

this is a very
important chapter.

The day Niles Caulder
changed forever.

Don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, don't you?

Well, what did we learn?

You murdered your friend

and left your dream girl behind,
all for what?

True love?

More secrets.

Hmm.

More layers to the banana,
unappealing.

[scoffs]

Secrets have a cost.
Look at what they've cost you.

Look at what the search for you
has cost them,

your band of bargain-bin
action figures.

They're stronger
than you think.

[snickering]
I'm counting on it.
But you and I both know,

there's no way they all make it
to the finish line.

You've always been a man
comfortable with compromise,
Niles.

I mean, after all,
you fell in love
with a Canadian.

Let's play a game.

Answer one question,

and all this goes away.

You go home.

Yes, your precious family
will survive.

There'll be chocolate cake,
balloons.

Just answer one question.

Where is the girl?

I don't know what you mean.

That's what all this
has been about, hasn't it?

All this time.

Your foolish quest
to live forever.
All to keep her safe.

You're wrong.

You and I have been
doing this dance
for a long time, Niles.

I don't know how,
and I don't know why,

but, somehow,

you've managed to keep
a hairy little secret
away from me,

and I want the truth.

Where is she?

Tell me!

-Think about what will
happen to them if you don't--
-No.

No. I don't care
what you do to them.

I will never give you
the satisfaction
of breaking me.

Now, that's the Niles Caulder
that I know.

[snickering]

[snickering echoes]

-[voicemail beeps]
-[Ernest on phone]
Hey, Mama, it's Ernest.

My mission was a huge success,

I guess I'm a legit
supervillain now.

Anyway, been tracking
Niles Caulder's beard here
for days,

but I'm getting closer.
I can smell it.

-All right, be home soon.
-[voicemail beeps]

[Mrs. Franklin] Hi, Ernie.
Sorry I missed your call.

So exciting
about the beard-hair thing.

Hope you're making
lots of friends.

Anyway, I love you.
Come home soon.

Also, I need the car back.

Finally.

[Doll] Oh, hello, there.

Who are you?

Have you come to play with me?

I like your costume.

[creature roaring]

[Ernest screaming]