All language subtitles for Best of q5 (1969)

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, that's better.

(SPIKE READS THE DISCLAIMER)

(PHONE TRILLS)

Hello?

No, no, you can't come round.
I'm watching a BBC video.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT)
When I pull the lever, you will walk.

Walk!

Walk!

Walk!

No, it will not work!

(WOMAN) Walkies!

(SCREAMS)

Fetch!

Heel.

Heel!

Sit! Down! Heel!

- Don't!
- Cut!

That was a preview of Kenneth Branagh's
latest masterpiece, "Frankenstein, My Lovely."

Starring that man of many parts,
Sir Spike Milligan, OBE,

DFC, DEC and bar, and feeding bottle.

Here we are
outside the home of the grand old man

of radio, stage, screen, and BBC2.

Old, infirm and unable to walk,
Spike now lives alone

with only his happy memories of what it was once
like to work for the BBC to comfort him.

Too frail to come to us,
we have come at great expenses...expense

the 263 miles from our studios
in west London to his home here in Bayswater.

Soon, Spike's nurse will be gently
rousing him from his slumbers

and we'll be looking back at some memorable
moments from his long career.

Before we do that...

(LONG STRANGLED CRY)

(CRASHING)

I believe Spike is waking.

First, we'll take a look
at some old news footage,

which reveal to us why the name
Spike Milligan means so little to the BBC.

(MUSIC: BBC NEWSREEL THEME)

There was great excitement in Poona at the
news of the birth of Terence Alan Milligan,

the son of an army captain
with a flair for drama

and India's first woman
with her own milk-round.

At an early age, the ambitious young
Terence - known to his friends as sahib -

emigrated to England, where he volunteered
to help fight the war against Hitler.

In the army, Terence discovered he had a talent
which would make him famous -

but his career as a page-three model
came to an end

when tin baths were requisitioned
to make bombs.

After the war, Terence
became a well-known figure in Hyde Park

and became known thereafter as "Spike".

It was in Hyde Park that the BBC, mistaking him
for Sir Winston Churchill out for a jog,

asked Spike for his views on the general
election.

My whole outlook to comedy
has been based upon tragedy.

It only becomes comic
after the tragedy has occurred.

I suppose today, Nelson...

at the time of the battle of Traf-al-gar,
or Trafalgar is you're Raymond Glendenning,

you'd never think twice about doing a sketch

about Nelson's blind eye,
his arm chopped off and Lady Hamilton,

but if you'd been standing on the deck
at the Battle of Trafalgar,

it wouldn't have occurred to you
that anything was comic.

But since then, I suppose
Nelson's become a figure of ridicule.

You can't go to any satire in London
without somebody doing a joke about Nelson's...

About the hat of Nelson
being whitened by pigeons...

There was a verse I made up about that.

"'Tis due to pigeons that alight
On Nelson's hat that makes it white."

Inspired by the stark beauty
of the park and its trees,

Spike began to write poetry.

"I'm not frightened of pussycats
They only eat up mice and rats

"But a hippopotamus
Could eat the lot of us." (GROWLS)

Soon he was invited to join other poets
at poetry readings in the park.

They chopped down a 300-foot tree
to make a chair - I bought one.

When I stand up,
I'm five foot, eleven and a half.

When I sat in this chair,
I was four foot three.

Did they really chop down a 300-foot tree
to make me look shorter?

A vice that was new and unsavoury

Held a vicar named Lavery in slavery

Amidst lecherous howls
He would bugger young owls

Which he kept in an underground aviary.

(LAUGHTER)

Determined to become
an international success,

Spike became a country-and-western singer.

# La di la-da da-da da da da doo... #

But Perry Como copied his style
and got there first.

Devastated, Spike spent the next 15 years
listening to the classics.

Bix Beiderbecke playing,
"Somebody Stole Meine Girl."

(BRASS BAND MUSIC)

Then he got the idea
which would make him famous

He would play his records
and let the public perform.

He called it a "disco" after the washer
that fell off the winding handle.

Soon Spike was touring, playing
his gramophone, making personal appearances

and signing paper models of his records.

Commissioned by BBC Television
to write an adventure series,

Spike invited his friend Peter Sellers
to join him.

A strike by postmen at TV Centre meant that
the show had to be made without scenery.

(GIRLISH GIGGLE)

- Eccles...
- Yes.

Let us play a game
and push him down the well.

- Yeah.
- Oh...

- Aaagh...
- (HOLLOW SPLASH)

He's fallen in the water.

Now really famous, Spike was invited
to appear on the Michael Parkinson show

with other big stars.

Can we talk a little about your singing?
You have a very dramatic style of singing.

Not always. I'm very naughty and dirty.

See you later, sister.

- She was surprised.
- I was.

Did you hear that? She was surprised.
Yes, a surprise, yes.

I suppose I wasn't surprised
at your first clip.

- My father gave me my first clip.
- Not that clip.

- Let's have a look at the first clip.
- Yes.

(COMMENTATOR) This is why Australia
have never had the opportunity

of their back row.

I'm not quite sure
who this fellow plays for,

but Ken Bailey has exerted his authority
and the situation is restored to normal.

Spike?

That's why I like rugby.
You don't get this in other places.

- You get it at the cricket.
- But they don't have boobs like that.

- She was smoking, though, which you dislike.
- I was smoking when I saw her, actually.

- One last clip.
- One last clip please.

(COMMENTATOR) This is why Australia
have never had the opportunity

of their back row.

There you have a picture of Spike Milligan -
actor, poet and birdwatcher.

Let's go inside and meet him.

(CHIMES OF BIG BEN)

Spike has no idea whatsoever
that we're coming here today to film him,

so this is going to come
as a total surprise.

(HUM OF VOICES)

This is Spike Milligan -
actor, author, poet,

successful righter of wrongs, songwriter,
comedian and now video-cassette star.

We're here to pay tribute
to your career in entertainment.

Oh! What a surprise.

BBC, you say?

(SPITS)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

(MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS)

That's the trouble with the BBC -
none of the parts work. Won't keep you long.

- What do you think you're doing?
- We're trying to start the show...sailor.

- Is it Colditz?
- No, it's one of ours.

- Give us a shove.
- But it's not zis commercial muck?

- No, it's BBC muck!
- Good!

- (ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND ROARS)
- Right, that's it! Get 'em in!

Get in, you Schweins, and enjoy yourselves!

And now, folks,
a demonstration of knife-throwing.

And now fork-throwing!

Spoon-throwing! And table-throwing!

# ...Together...
Our bags between our knees... #

- Harry!
- Yes, dear?

- Hurry up. We'll be late!
- Be down in a jiff!

# Glorious boating weather

# Somebody blows the... #

Good evening, madam.

- Oh...sir. I'm sorry. Sir.
- Good evening.

I'm from the Sub-Aqua Anti-Pollution League
and I'm sorry to disturb you,

but did you know that our precious
offshore waters are in dire peril?

- I wasn't aware...
- Of course you weren't...

- You stupid fool!
- What do you expect me to do about it?

Do? It's you and others like you
washing your grotty parts in the bath

that are fouling our precious
natural heritage with dirty bathwater!

- Littlehampton!
- I'm not!

Littlehampton is seriously polluted and the
number nine oyster bed has been wiped out.

The warning has been given to you.
It's been on your telly!

You've read it in your newspapers!

And now I and the Vigilante League
are bringing the word into your home!

- What do you want me to do?
- I beg of you to give me your support.

National truss.

What I meant, sir, was money.

Give and give till it hurts, sir.

- Well...there.
- You bruise easily, sir. Did that hurt?

Thank you, sir. You're a white man, sir -
or you soon will be -

and when the last all-clear has sounded,
your name will be writ large on the coral.

Good night, sir.

Hurry up, Harry!

I'm sorry, dear. There was an interruption.

(BANGING)

Come in.

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening, officer.

Officer Crapper...

...of the sewage patrol, sir.

We're looking for a man called Pontius Cack
- a rather nasty conman.

Have you seen him? He looks rather like me.

- As a matter of fact, there was someone...
- Gave him some money, did you?

- Yes.
- What kind of money?

- Like this.
- This is the money we'll need for evidence.

- Yes, I understand.
- You'll be hearing from us. Good night.

By the way, sir...

...I should get a strong mortice lock
put on that lid.

Click-clunk. You know it makes sense.

Miss Jelly-Clench?
Could you turn slowly towards me?

And raise your right arm.

Like that. Thank you.

"She turned slowly towards me..."

(SONG: MOURNFUL VERSION
OF "DANNY BOY")

(APPLAUSE)

Those happy sounds of idiot laughter,
hammering and banging,

are, in fact, the happy sounds

of idiot laughter, hammering and banging.

They belong to England's
only idiot scout troop.

They all joined when they were seven

and have failed every knot-tying test,
woodcraft and fire-lighting test.

But such was their enthusiasm

that Lord Baden-Powell
did not have the heart to tell them.

Strangely enough, this year they have
shown remarkable powers of recovery.

They can now dress themselves.

Let us go inside
and speak with their senior Sixer.

(GRAMOPHONE) # ...In the sky

# All of our eyes on the distant horizon

# Look out for passers-by... #

(IN "STUPID" VOICE) I... I am...

Lord Baden... Um... Powell.

(AS HUGHIE GREEN)
What a wonderful memory for names, folks.

Now, tell me this, sir - who are these
gentlemen hanging from the beams?

They're learning to untie knots.

They're getting knotted.
Isn't that wonderful?

- And what's this over here?
- Ow!

These scouts...

Ow!

- Ow!
- These scouts have solved the problem

of putting jigsaw pieces together
that don't fit.

What's this over here?

- Well, your Majesty...
- What's this?

I'll get this. I'll get this...

That...is one of the cups
that we drink out of.

And why is he smashing them?

Because he don't know how to wash up.

Really wonderful. Tell me, sir,
why is this gentleman over here...

- Why is he mending them?
- We can't afford new ones.

It's really wonderful, it really is.

Yes. This is the advanced Mensa class,
your Majesty.

And now, a brain test.

Gilly gilly gilly, port time.

Which one of those coconuts
is the piano under?

- That one.
- No.

It's under this one.

Ha-ha ha-ha-ha.

Now then, we have great difficulty
in remembering tunes in this class,

but we have mastered the note of G, and
using that, your Majesty, we will sing,

Ralph Reader's
"Riding Along On the Christopher."

(ALL ON ONE NOTE)
# We're riding along on the crest of a wave

# And the sun is in the sky

# All of our eyes on the distant horizon

# Look out for passers-by... #

So, with this sort
of youthful enthusiasm and ingenuity,

Baden-Powell can rest in his grave.

- What's this?
- Those are the sea scouts.

Now, in that selection...
Spike? Excuse me? Mr Milligan?

- Oh...
- Spike?

Oh...unfriendly bosom
gives promise of pneumatic beast!

Quite. In that selection of sketches
from the early episodes of the "Q" series,

there did seem to be a lot of naked ladies.

Yes.

Did that cause you any problems
at the BBC?

Yes. Quite a bit of trouble at home as well.

Specifically, at the BBC, did you encounter
disapproval of management?

No. They were OK. The trouble was with the staff.

As soon as they knew
we had a topless woman to film,

suddenly all the staff
seemed to have vital jobs in the studios.

You couldn't move for mechanics,
electricians, cleaners...

Cleaners, electricians, carpenters and,
of course, topless ladies.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Ah, Piles! Thank you.

- Cheers.
- No, not for me, thank you.

- That's a Chateau Siphon 1889.
- Really? What's it like?

Bloody awful.

- Let's look at some more sex.
- Where is it?

(SQUEALING, SLAPPING AND SNORTING)

(SIGHING AND SHOUTING)

(LAUGHTER)

Ready? Take aim...

Fire!

And now the late news.

To be precise, an hour late.

(LAUGHTER)

The Department of Energy say
that by the year 2000,

England could run out of Arabs.

The Arts Council are to subsidise
the National Youth Orchestra

to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth.

Good news for Bing Crosby fans -
Tom Jones has broken his neck.

And pop star Dee Denny, who married
Mary Lee last week, are to be separated.

Someone is going to chuck
a bucket of cold water over them.

That's all from us for tonight. Goodnight.

(NEWS THEME PLAYS)

This Sunday...

...the third after Pontefract...

...the parable of the Good Samaritan...

...will be read by Police Constable Sergeant...

(MONOTONE VOICE)
And I sayeth unto you... Evening all.

And it come to pass that a man -
Jewish, five foot three...

He was proceeding
along the Jerusalem-Jericho highway.

But he exceeded not the speed limit.

Then he pulleth up,
for he had need of a bush.

An offence that can bring a fine and 30 days.

There springed out on him three thieves
who beated out of him the crap.

And verily he flaketh out.

Then came night - lighting-up time 7.23...

and the snow falleth on him.

And verily by morning,
thou could strike matches on them.

And many travellers, seeing him,
passed by on the outside lane...

...saying he must be...as a newt.

But there cometh a Samaritan,
and seeing him flaked out,

he bound up his wounds,
pouring in oil and vinegar.

And the victim screameth, sayeth...

"Hast thou never heard of Elastoplast?"

Then...

Then the Samaritan setteth him
upon his own ass...

Registration RU 1-2.

And he taketh him...

And he taketh him to an inn
where they had a good night.

On the morrow,
he giveth the innkeeper tuppence,

which was later brought up
in evidence against him.

Evening all.

- That's a tourist trap.
- You rang?

- What?
- You rang.

No, you twit. That was the bell.

People don't go round ringing.

No. I wish to complain
about the luxury three pounds for 20 days,

lost in the Bermuda Triangle holiday.

- Why? What went wrong?
- Everything.

For a start,
she didn't disappear without trace.

- Did you, Rita?
- Rita?! My name's Molly!

Of course. I was thinking about her. Thinks.

You don't want the Bermuda Triangle,
you want the eternal one.

I've booked three times for her to disappear
without trace in the Bermuda Triangle

and each time she comes back to me
at the laundromat like a homing sock.

- Oh, yes?
- Oh, yes? That's no bleeding good!

I want to get rid of her. Look at her. She's
got a face like a dog's bum with a hat on.

No. Listen. I want you to guarantee
to get rid of her without trace.

Then I can go back to her. Thinks.

Married women are not allowed to disappear
unless they are accompanied.

I'll get Mrs Mills to play for her.

(HUMS)

No. It must be the husband
or whoever oils the bed springs.

The bed springs?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I've got to get rid of her. I've had ten years
of hell, followed by 40 of marriage.

There's nothing left of me below the waist.

I got photographs to prove it.

Very well.
I will sacrifice myself and go with her.

But, first, a farewell song to my love.
Thinks.

# The hills are alive... #

(GERMAN ACCENT)
Another two for the Bermuda Triangle?

Molly, he's a foreigner.
Keep your frock over your knees.

Yes. Voulez-vous disappear without trace?

Ja! Ein foreigner, my dear.
Keep your hand on it.

I disappeared on mein submarine. You too?

No, not me. I never was on submarines.
I had bad feet.

I was upping my submarine,
come the signal from the Führer,

"Stop upping! The war for you is over!

"Vanish without trace."

- Cigarette?
- Nein.

Greedy swine.

Say...

- Tommy Atkins.
- Tommy Atkins?

Why you have to go so far from England
for your disasters?

We don't get the sun with our disasters.

When you pull them out, they're white and pasty.

But my brother Lord Rothermere,
he was run over by a tram in Argentina.

When they dragged him out, he was lovely
and brown - except where the wheels went.

How can you talk about parties when
here we are lost in the Bermuda Trongle?

- What's he on about?
- Da-aaaaa!

Da-da-da-da-da!
My God! The ground is coming up too fast!

- What's the matter with him?
- Bomb, bomb, bomb the flak!

Damn that flak! Aargh!

Junkers 88 at ten o'clock!
Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla! Uurgh!

Sorry to interrupt your overacting.

- You don't know me.
- God has been good to me.

- Has he?
- Deirdre. Thinks.

His thinks boobs look very much
like my own dearest's thinks boobs.

She can't have four.

Ahoy, me hearties! Hello, Jim boy!

Tickets, please. Disaster tickets, please.

It's Long-John Saliva -
the spitting image of his dad.

- I want to get off.
- Oh, really?

- Off this triangle thing.
- Avast ye lubber!

I can't avast my lubbers any more.
I've got nothing left below the waist.

Well, avast this lubber, then! No one gets
off the Bermuda Disappear Triangle

until book sales have reached five million,
and we've only just passed two million.

Pull yourself together, Tommy Atkins!

We will all zink. Zink together.

# God save our gracious Queen

# Long live our noble Queen

(ECHOING) # God save our Queen

# Send her victorious... #

Very strange.

Hello. This is Tango.

Reporting the sound of "God Save the Queen"
coming up a drain hole in Catford.

- What does it mean?
- That you're pissed and off the forceI

The Bermuda Triangle
claims another victim. Freeze-frame.

20 years of searching, Dr Squallicle.

It's her! It's... Cleopatra!

Oh, Cleopatra.

- We're too late.
- You mean...?

She's dead.

Yes! I'm rich!

I do not understand it.
It's only done 8,000 yards.

My God! Bert, look!

- Here comes the Queen!
- What are we going to do?

Yes. Supercover.
Another idea from Milligan's freeze-frame.

Next week sees the opening of the new
German opera season at Covent Garden.

Here is a preview of what you will see.

(TRAD JAZZ)

# In the little town where I was born
there's a most accomplished fellow

# He's the leader of the village choir
and his voice is warm and mellow

# He drives a fruit cart round the street
and everybody knows it

# He doesn't sing or rave about
his flute, he simply blows it

(BLOWS RASPBERRY IN TUNE)

# He's doing it all day long

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# It's better than any song

# Though it isn't very pretty,
you've got to admit it's cute

# So all together, let it go

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- # Eat more fruit

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# It's certainly come to stay

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- # It's a treat to hear him say, hey

# Fruits in season, plenty varies
Apples, plums and the old raspberries

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- # Everything is best today

# Every Friday night when work is done,
he never wastes a minute

# To the village hall he hurries round,
where he sings just like a linnet

# You'll hear him blow a melody,
it's great, you can't deny it

# And if you've nothing else to do,
I'd like you all to try it

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# Get ready and do it now

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# It's easy when you know how

# Though it isn't very pretty,
you've got to admit it's cute

# So all together, let it go

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- # Eat more fruit

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# It's certainly come to stay

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- # It's a treat to hear him say-hey

# Doh ti la so fah me ray doh

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# Everything is fresh today

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- # It's certainly come to stay
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

# It's a treat to hear him say-hey

# Fruits in season, plenty varies
Apples, plums and the old raspberries

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
- # Everything is fresh today #

(BLOWS LONG RASPBERRY)

(APPLAUSE)

No, thank you, Piles. It's bloody awful.

Music plays a very important part in your
programmes and, indeed, in your own life.

- Are you musical yourself?
- Oh, yes. Listen to this.

(WHISTLES BADLY)

- See?
- Yes.

What I meant was, you have had
considerable success as a songwriter.

- "The Ying Tong Song" comes to mind.
- Yes, it comes to mind.

Sometimes it comes to my right knee,
but mostly it comes to mind.

(ECHOING SINGING)

# Ying tong ying tong iddle I po
Keep up, lad

# Ying tong ying tong ying tong ying tong
ying tong iddle I po, lad

# Ying tong ying tong ying tong
iddle I po... #

It's delightful. Now, "The Ying Tong Song"
was a huge hit 40 years ago,

but it doesn't get played much these days.

Andrew Lloyd-Webster thinks
I plagiarised one of his songs

from "The Phantom of the Woolwich Tram Shed."

- That's a pity.
- It's pitiful.

(MOUTHS)

What was that?

That was "Don't Cry For Me, Phantom
of the Opera in the Woolwich Tram Shed."

I didn't hear anything.

We can't afford to sing it on video.

- Isn't that going to be a problem?
- No. It's going to be a relief.

I believe that you sing...

(MOUTHS)

...in this next sketch, which features
an unlikely appearance by Michael Parkinson.

- How did that come about?
- Well, it's the result of a liaison

- between his mother and father.
- Yes.

I meant, how did it come about
that Michael Parkinson appeared in your series?

- He's not an actor.
- No.

We needed someone with a good suit
and he had one.

It was very expensive.
We had to be very careful with it.

He had a deposit on it...
but we brushed that off.

Now, how about a rousing chorus
of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina"?

(SILENCE)

(SPEEDED UP VERSION
OF "PARKINSON" THEME)

Welcome to another Michael Parkinson show.

I'm only on it because my name's the same.

Well, that and the girl with the big boobs.

I gave Spike Milligan £50
to get the dressing-room next to her,

and spent another £50 on a Black & Decker.

I'd better get on with this rubbish.
What does it say here?

"Stand up." OK.

Good evening. It is a great honour...
to appear with a man like Spike Milligan.

I'm outside the wonderful "Grenadier Guards
Soldier Armour Massage and Sauna Club."

Good evening.

I'm now inside the wonderful
"Soldier Armour Massage and NAAFI Club"...

Who wrote this crap?

- Cigarettes? Matches? Hello, Parky.
- Hello, sailor.

(GRUFF VOICE) You know who I am?

- No.
- Dave Lodge. I was in "Cockleshell Heroes."

'Ere...

I'm only doing this for the readies.
Look out.

Cigarettes? Matches?

Keep the cheeks together!

Keep that 10p in place.

Good evening, darling.

I'm your hat check girl,
Sergeant Sandy McNabs, VC, DSO, MM.

That's a funny way to spell McNabs.

I'll do the funnies in the show, Parky.

Now, darlin',
I am your bunny for the evening.

But...

But you are not allowed
to touch any erogenous zones.

You don't get any opportunity knockers,

but as compensation, I want you to say when.

(AIR HISSES)

- All right?
- Beautiful.

All the boob gags
in this show are written by Neil Shand.

You're Michael Parkinson, aren't you?

You're here because you're after
the girl with the big boobs. Spoilsport!

Your arm's broken.

- Does he know his bra's on back to front?
- He's all right. He's twisted.

It's twist or bust.

- I'll never appear on your show again.
- I'll see to that.

Now then, it is time for your cabaret.
Stand by, lads.

Ready? One, two, three...hey! Thank you.

Din...

We interrupt this programme
for an official BBC interruption.

Sir!

Good evening, Mr Parking-Toll.
A mug of wine?

Thank you. That's very kind. What year is it?

1979, sir. It's on top of all the newspapers.

Milk and sugar?

It's his own suit. Watch out.

You're a thing of such exquisite beauty,
enchantment and charm.

I find it difficult to believe you're a man.

What's difficult to believe?
That you've forgotten your lines?

I haven't.

Say after me, "I also find it difficult
to believe what I'm saying." Camera three.

I find it difficult to believe
I'm saying these sodding lines.

I assure you that this is a man
and I shall give you the full-frontal test. Go!

(DRUM ROLL)

Hairy legs. Hairy legs.
That had you worried, didn't it?

- It had us all worried.
- You had a nasty flash during rehearsal.

Showed his ploughman's lunch.

This is lovely boring Bob Todd, first-class
topless waitress and Centurion tank driver.

- Does he get extra for being topless?
- Yes. Double pneumonia.

- It's better than "Double Your Money."
- Sir!

- That is the cue for my second song.
- What queue? I don't see a queue?

Don't try to top me, Mr Parker-sol.

One of these days, you'll run out of guests
on your TV show, and then what?

Back to the "Northern Echo" again.

Giving kids 20p to break windows
so you could write a story!

- What about the bird with the boobs?
- What's this about you and Gene Kelly?

Right, Private Shand, Scots Guards. Fall in!

- Left, right.
- Couldn't you find the soap?

It's the Blackwatch. Who wrote that line
about Gene Kelly and him?

- I did, Sarge.
- Tell the audience how it happened.

Yes. I said to Spike, I've got this
marvellous idea for you and Mike Parkinson.

You say, "What's all this I hear about you
and Gene Kelly?" It'll get a smashing laugh.

It didn't get a smashing laugh.
You say it to him like I said it.

What's this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?

One more time, please.

What's this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?

One more time, please.
Keep going. I know it's going to be...

- What's all this I hear...?
- Sorry, I came in too soon then.

You say it one more time and I'll wait.
Off you go.

What's this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?

- Finished?
- Yes.

Don't think the line's getting the laugh,
it's the custard pies.

They get bigger laughs
when they're trying to flog 'em.

We have to end the sketch
because it's in his hooter.

- What about the bird?
- She's in room 69.

- 69?
- Yes.

You'll find the appliances on the sideboard.

(APPLAUSE)

Good evening.
All around this great country, comics are dying.

They're dying on stage, in clubs, theatres,
on my show, and even in bus queues.

The trouble is a shortage of jokes,

so if you have any jokes,
no matter how old, send them to...

And help save an old comic from dying.

Just in case you didn't get that,
here it is again.

(JOLLY MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
and I mean that most sincerely.

Welcome to the "Idiot of the Year Show."
Can I have a big hand for the lovely Julia?

(CANNED APPLAUSE)

Believe me, she needs a big hand.

Julia, who is our first contestant?

Our first contestant, Hughie,
is Mr Pogue Mahone.

Big hand for Pogue Mahone.

(APPLAUSE)

(IRISH ACCENT) Hello, Mr Farkinson.

- I see you're wearing a Cambridge tie.
- Yes.

- You were in Cambridge?
- Yes, sir.

- What did you do?
- I was buying a tie.

- Is absolutely correct.
- (CANNED APPLAUSE)

Pogue, I understand that the subject
you've chosen is "Great Builders."

- That's right, sir.
- That's the correct answer.

All right, the second part of that question.

I'd like you to name two famous builders.

That's easy!

- Answer it, then.
- That's not easy.

Seriously, Pogue, listen carefully,
we'd like you to name two great builders.

- Um... Two great...?
- Two great builders.

Paddy Murphy and McAlpines!

That is not the right answer.

We mean classical builders,
like Christopher Wren.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

- Christopher Wren?
- Is the correct answer!

All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Here we go, Pogue.

Pogue, stand over here. Part three
of the second part of the first question.

- Pogue, listen carefully.
- I want to sit down.

All right. We'd like you to name two...
Listen very carefully.

...two classical painters.

Um... Oh...

My brain's hurting.

- Shall I give you some clues?
- Would you? These ones are wearing out.

I'm sorry you wore them out to this programme.

All right...

Listen carefully. Two classical painters.
We're going to give you a clue.

- Ah, Dave Lodge!
- You're getting warmer.

- You're very warm.
- It's them boobs are doing it!

That is not the right answer.

Watch carefully. Here are your clues.

There's no bloody traffic in here.

Oh! The painter is a policeman!

Constable is the correct answer.

You become the Idiot of the Year.
Great big hand.

(CANNED APPLAUSE)

Now, Pogue... Your prize...

You win a free burial at sea
with a coffin of your choice,

and I mean that most sincerely, I really do.

Now a word from our wonderful sponsors.

Hello, housewives. Are you having problems
with stuffing for your bird?

Don't worry. Here is the ideal stuffing.

Yes, "Stuffed."
Go out and get "Stuffed" today.

# My eyes, they took a snap of you

# And my heart said

# Photograph, don't laugh, I love you #

( SONG CONTINUES)

...And shake it till it's dry.

This is a doctor sketch. What do you want?

Doctor, do you have anything for amnesia?

What?

For people with bad memories,
here it is again.

Here's what again?

Erm...

Er...

Read all about it! Printers' strike!

Read all about it!
Fleet Street printers' strike!

And now, folks, it's Euro-joke time.

Tonight we're doing
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

Our hostess is Viscountess Boyle.

- England.
- English.

- Waiter, waiter. There's a fly in my soup.
- Oh, yeah.

Angleterre, trois points. France.

Waiteur, waiteur. Zere is a fly in my soup.

Do not worry.
The spider on the bread roll will get him.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

La France, trois points. Deutschland.

Vaiter, vaiter! Dere is a fly in mein zoup!

Jewish swine!

Deutschland...

...Deutschland, sechs Punkten. Israel.

Vaiter, vaiter.

- Dere's a fly in mein soup.
- That'll be a pound extra, sir.

Israel... Israel, shallosh points.
Irlande.

- Waiter?
- Yes, sir?

- Dere's a fly in my soup.
- Don't worry, sir. I'll save him!

(ORGAN GENTLY PLAYS)

Good evening.

For too long has the male clergy
rejected women for the cloth.

But this year has seen
the acceptance of ladies

into the priesthood.

Of course, many of my parishioners ask me
how I like women priests in the church,

and I say, "With big tits."

Good night and God bless you.

Atchoo!

Brilliant. That's absolutely brilliant.

Yes. One has to say though, Spike,

that your comedy does touch upon subjects
which are considered taboo.

- What do you say to that?
- I say...

(BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY)

- You called, sir?
- Ah, Piles.

Listen. Have I had anything to do
with something that is a taboo?

- What's taboo, sir?
- That's what I say. What's taboo?

What do you say?

I say let's have a look
at an affectionate sketch

about the zoologist David Attenborough.

And I say...run telecine.

(CONTINUOUS CLICKING SOUND )

Stop that clicking.
Stop that clicking. You'll all go blind.

You are all the extraordinary insects

that have come here to be auditioned
for David Attenborough.

David is not with us now.

David is away having his legs shaved
for the next series.

The next series is called "Hell On Earth",

subtitle "Trapped for 24 Hours
In A Lift With Ian Paisley."

- Now then...
- (CLICKING)

Stop that clicking! Now then...

- What are you?
- I'm a dung beetle.

Of course, you roll your own, don't you?

- Here are my cuttings.
- I see.

Played the Clapper in "The Bells."
How did that go?

Dung!

Dung!

- (CLICKING)
- Stop that clicking!

You 'orrible-looking thing, you.

You looked like you crawled out
from under a stone.

What's your name? Bianca Jagger?

No. I'm a stag beetle.

I see. You've just come from a party, have you?

(LAUGHS)

Who said insects had no sense of humour?

- Didn't I see you in the X film?
- Yes. That's why I'm an ex-actor.

I was in "The Ten Commandments."

Mine was "Thou shalt not bite Moses
up the bum."

Which commandment was it?

That was number 11 -
never went on public release.

What I was doing really, me...

Me and the other soldierettes were
all crawling up Charlton Heston's legs.

We're told to eat everything in our path.

So...

When we were just getting
to the interesting bits,

he said, "Stop! Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbour's goods."

- (CLICKING)
- Stop that clicking!

Stop that clicking. Stop clicking.

That was the scene where they painted
Yul Brynner's nut with treacle

and he had to pretend to be a toffee apple,
and he ate him.

Yes, but that was only pretend eating.

Confidentially, I'll tell you...

...I actually ate... I ate the late Adolf Hitler.

- Late, was he?
- Yeah. The trains had been bombed.

You actually ate the old Adolf Hitler, did you?

There's nothing like a nice bit of sauerkraut!

(CLICKING)

What happened was this.

He escaped...

He escaped to South America
and we found him shagged out in the jungle.

Is it true you neutralised him
by squirting formic acid out of your posterior?

Yes, and it don't 'alf burn your bum
in the morning.

(CLICKING)

You owe me £10. I don't think we can top
that gag. Let's all click off, shall we?

(NEWSREEL-STYLE MUSIC)

Danny is just about to call
on Mrs Rita Martin

who doesn't know she's been chosen
to be the lucky guest on tonight's show.

It's lucky time for somebody
in downtown Didcot. Are you in, Mrs.....

Mrs Rita Martin, you thought
you were emptying your dustbin,

but you have been chosen to play...

"Lose Your Furniture!"

And Rita Mothball is ready to play...

..."Lose Your Furniture!"

(CHEERING)

Thank you! Wonderful audience. Really
wonderful. Best audience we've had tonight!

- You have eight seconds to answer this.
- Right.

At the Diet of Worms,
which one of Martin Luther's edicts

was later used by Queen Isabella of Spain
in the excommunication of the Hapsburgs.

- Terry Wogan?
- Wrong! Rita, you have just lost...

...your sideboard!

(CANNED CHEERING)

Here's question number two.

What was the name of the favourite wife
of King Louis XIV of France?

- Crossroads?
- Wrong!

Rita, you have just lost your...
blue three-piece suite!

(CANNED CHEERING)

Quiet, please. Thank you.
You also lost your bath!

Finally, Rita, you have lost the entire
contents of your upstairs bedroom!

(CANNED CHEERING)

Round here, my darling. Cool it, now.

You've lost your furniture, carpets,
curtains, the tin with the bingo money.

Last question.
At the Battle of Waterloo, who said...

- Larry Grayson.
- I haven't finished, so I'll start.

"We'll see who pounds longest."?

- The Common Market.
- Wrong!

Rita Martin, housewife,
confidante of Arnold Palmer,

hockey player by appointment
of the Pope, this is your...

...eviction!

(THEME FROM "THIS IS YOUR LIFE")

Come on, nice little birdies.

Don't be frightened of Granddad, come on.

There. All for you.

Hello. Hello, road.

Tell the lads that the Lloyds cash dispenser
is not paying off any more.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

Good evening and knighthoods.

I'm standing inside the hut
of the Queen's own Royal Scout Troop.

You're standing inside the hut
of the Queen's Royal Scout Troop.

Three cheers for visiting TV celebrity.
Hip, hip...

- Hooray.
- Hip, hip...

- Hooray.
- One more after this. Hip, hip...

Hooray.

A moving tribute
and I wish I'd have moved earlier.

- I understand you work for charity.
- No. Money. We collect old clothes.

- And what do you do with them?
- We wear them.

Now then, Huge,
today is the hundredth anniversary

of the death of Max Miller three years ago.

As a tribute to that dirty-joke teller
and funny-suit wearer,

we have been collecting old newspapers.

- I see. And what do you do with them?
- We burn them.

- Waste?
- Yeah.

All right. Do your Max Mill-ian.

- I fell in love with Mary from the dairy.
- Splat!

- But Mary wouldn't fall in love with me.
- Splat!

- Just one moment...
- Just one moment!

- What are the splats?
- Those are the cows.

The splats are the cows.
I always thought they went moo.

Yeah.

There's a big finish now.

We're going to celebrate the anniversary
of that great Yankee golfer Bing Crosby.

We're now going to do our arrangement
of his "Bells of St Mary"

with our campanology team.

# There's a song that I recall

# My mother sang to me... #

(CACOPHONY OF BELLS)

(HUMMING)

£8,000!

Yes. Mind you, after I am dead,
it will be worth 'alf a million.

Why did I marry below my station?

Me? Sixth in line to the throne and India!

Married to an unemployed shepherd's help.

Look. I'm dressed for dancing.

Why don't you take me to the royal balls?

A commoner is not allowed to see the royal balls.

Nobody would recognise you.
All the royals have masked balls.

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Darien TV - possibly the best picture of all time.

(CACOPHONY OF BELLS)

Mrs Whitehouse,
your glasses will be ready in a week.

Thank you, Doctor.

Next, please!

# I'm dreaming of ze white mattress... #

Next, please!

Oh, I see. Is this National Health or private?

- It's very private.
- I see.

- What appears to be ze trouble?
- I keep thinking I'm a dwarf.

I see. Go behind the screen and change.

Many people thinking they are dwarves.
It's a common complaint.

Normally it's due to an inferiority complex.

- Smile.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)

Thank you, sailor. Now get dressed.

Yes. I can see no evidence of dwarfism
in you. I think it is all in ze mind.

I can't tell you how relieved I am, Doctor.

Good. I will show you
another place to be relieved.

(THEATRICAL WHEEZING)

Sorry about that, Doctor.
I get out of breath whenever I have sex.

Really? What time did you have it?

1923.

- Did you bring your medical report?
- Yes.

It was tied up by a man called Barry.

There's every disease under the sun here...
and three under the moon.

I do not stint myself.
I have all the major skin diseases -

scorfuflas, mange - and when I get grottage,
I'll have the full kit.

Did you know you had acute halitosis?

That's very nice of you.

(BOTH IMITATE COMEDY TROMBONE)

I think the situation would best be served
now if we looked at your teeth.

(SQUELCH)

Are these teeth comfortable?

(SPIKE SINGS INCOHERENTLY)

Yes. Why have your glasses
got no lenses in them?

Because I have perfect eyesight.

Read this bill, please.

- £60.
- Splendid.

I think your glasses
had better be boarded up.

- Just to be on the safe side.
- Much better.

- Have you brought your specimen with you?
- Yes, I did.

I drink a lot of pond water.

I think we'd better have a look
at your wallet now.

Good. Come on. Open.

Open wide. Wide. Wide.

- (CREAKING)
- Wider. Wider.

# Wider, still and wider #

Yes. I think this pound note
will have to come out now.

Aargh!

Write out a cheque for £99, please.

99.

- And again.
- 99.

- Very good.
- Is it serious?

- It is very serious, Mr Tangible.
- What is it?

I don't know how to break this to you,
but you have got a toupee.

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- A very bad toupee.

A toupee. Tell me it's not true.

(DOCTOR LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGH)

- That's sheer genius.
- Marvellous.

Well, Spike, that's it. Thank you
for being a part of this special programme.

Thank you.

That must be the end.
Let me check if I've got it.

Good. Got it.