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1
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:08,965
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
2
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,078
♪ IF I EVER THOUGHT
3
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,385
♪ I CAN TRACE IT
BACK TO YOU ♪
4
00:00:37,428 --> 00:00:39,387
♪ IF I GO OUTSIDE
5
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:42,129
♪ I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO FIND YOU ♪
6
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,783
♪ IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN ♪
7
00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:47,699
♪ JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN ♪
8
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:53,488
♪ IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN ♪
9
00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:56,186
♪ TRYIN' TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION ♪
10
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,235
♪ GO TO MY SCREEN
11
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:03,889
♪ ZOOM INTO ME
12
00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:05,804
♪ WROTE A POEM
JUST FOR YOU ♪
13
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:08,590
♪ WON'T RHYME
UNTIL YOU'RE MINE ♪
14
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,940
♪ IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN ♪
15
00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:14,204
♪ JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN ♪
16
00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:19,644
♪ IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN ♪
17
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:22,125
♪ JUST TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION... ♪
18
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:24,519
Matt: 100 GIRLS...
19
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:31,003
AND ONE OF THEM
IS MY TRUE LOVE.
20
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:33,876
MY FOREVER SOUL MATE...
21
00:01:33,919 --> 00:01:35,791
THE BETTY TO MY BARNEY...
22
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:37,880
MY KISMETIC DESTINY.
23
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,491
THE PROBLEM IS...
24
00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:42,276
I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.
25
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,194
I WAS LEAVING
A HIGH BALL BASH
26
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:48,847
IN THE GIRLS' DORM.
27
00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,291
Girl: CAN YOU HIT
THE BASEMENT BUTTON, PLEASE?
28
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,165
Matt:
MY BACK WAS TO HER
29
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,472
WHEN THAT AUSPICIOUS
BLACKOUT HIT.
30
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:06,082
I NEVER GOT
A CHANCE TO SEE HER.
31
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,128
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
32
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:13,350
Matt: IT MUST HAVE BEEN
THE CLOAK OF DARKNESS
33
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:16,310
CONCEALING MY USUAL
ROMANTIC RETARDATION,
34
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:18,312
BECAUSE THAT NIGHT...
I WAS SMART,
35
00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:20,618
I WAS FUNNY,
I WAS INVINCIBLE.
36
00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:22,185
Matt: DID YOU EVER
NOTICE IN THAT MOVIE
37
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:23,752
WILLIE WONKA AND
THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
38
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:26,537
THAT THE OOMPA LOOMPAS
NEVER WORE HAIR NETS?
39
00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:27,886
Girl: YOU KNOW WHAT
I REALLY HATE?
40
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:30,150
THOSE STICKERS THEY STARTED
PUTTING ON APPLES.
41
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:31,716
BY THE TIME
YOU PEEL IT OFF,
42
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,283
YOU DON'T WANT
THE APPLE ANYMORE.
43
00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:34,284
I SOMETIMES WISH
44
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:36,547
I COULD JUST CURL UP
WITH A GIRL,
45
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,114
JUST HOLD
EACH OTHER,
46
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,115
LIKE THAT PICTURE
OF JOHN LENNON
47
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,508
AND YOKO ONO.
48
00:02:40,551 --> 00:02:43,511
THAT IS SO SWEET.
49
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:45,600
Matt, Narrating:
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
50
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:53,521
OUR TONGUES TANGOED...
51
00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:54,826
AND OUR HANDS
BEGAN DISPLAYING
52
00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:56,915
THEIR INCREDIBLE
NIGHT VISION.
53
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,921
HER LITTLE BREASTS
WERE JUST THE RIGHT SIZE
54
00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:06,098
TO FILL
A CHAMPAGNE GLASS.
55
00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:08,013
[GIRL MOANS]
56
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:14,150
[MOANS]
57
00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:22,854
Matt: MY IMPRESSIVE
MANHOOD IN MY PANTS
58
00:03:22,898 --> 00:03:25,030
EXPANDED LIKE
JIFFY POP POPCORN.
59
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,423
[POPPING]
60
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,563
Matt: WE NEVER KNEW
EACH OTHER'S NAMES.
61
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:38,392
MAYBE IT WAS
THE MYSTERY OF IT ALL
62
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,568
THAT MADE IT
SO EXCITING.
63
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,571
[CLOCK BELL CHIMING]
64
00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:50,142
Matt: IN THE MORNING...
65
00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:51,405
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
66
00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:57,454
SHE WAS GONE.
67
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,155
I HAD TO FIND HER.
68
00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:06,594
I DIDN'T GET MUCH SUPPORT
FROM MY ROOMMATE, ROD.
69
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:09,858
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO BENT
OUT OF SHAPE FOR, MAN?
70
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:11,555
I MEAN...
71
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,383
SHE'S JUST A GIRL.
72
00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:16,081
I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED
YOU TO SAY THAT.
73
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,953
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
74
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,215
I MEAN,
YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY
75
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,390
WHO LIKES
THOSE SILHOUETTES
76
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:22,392
OF NAKED WOMEN ON
THE MUD FLAPS OF TRUCKS.
77
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,002
YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES
WHILE WATCHING
78
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,004
A PORN MOVIE ON
THE PICTURE-IN-PICTURE.
79
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,093
YOU REVEL IN THE SIZE
OF YOUR DUMPS.
80
00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:29,660
HEY, MATT!
HEH HEH HEH.
81
00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:31,532
YOU GOTTA CHECK
THIS OUT.
82
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:34,143
YEAH, I DO
DO ALL THOSE THINGS.
83
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:36,406
THIS ISN'T JUST
ANOTHER GIRL, ROD.
84
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:38,495
I MEAN,
I CONNECTED WITH HER.
85
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:39,931
BEFORE THIS,
THE LAST INTIMATE ENCOUNTER
86
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,193
I HAD WITH A WOMAN
87
00:04:41,237 --> 00:04:42,978
WAS WHEN I WAS 5 YEARS OLD
IN A SANDBOX.
88
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:44,501
I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS
89
00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:47,069
AND HAD VICKI POUR SAND
ON MY WINKIE.
90
00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:48,070
AT LEAST IT'S BETTER
91
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:49,854
THAN PLAYING
WITH YOUR SHOVEL, MAN.
92
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:52,683
EVER SINCE THEN,
I'VE HAD THIS BURNING NEED
93
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:54,598
FOR A WOMAN. I MEAN,
WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD,
94
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,296
I LIKED GETTING
A BONER SO MUCH,
95
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:57,688
I STUCK MASKING TAPE
ON MY PECKER
96
00:04:57,732 --> 00:05:00,082
SO THAT IT WOULD STAY UP
ALL THE TIME.
97
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,346
I DID THE SAME THING,
BUT I USED DUCT TAPE, MAN.
98
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,957
SHUT UP, ALL RIGHT? I'M
TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE.
99
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,395
I'VE NEVER HAD THIS KIND OF
SUCCESS WITH A WOMAN BEFORE.
100
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:10,484
WHEN I WAS 16,
I TRIED TALKING TO GIRLS.
101
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:11,789
I MEAN,
I HAD TO WRITE MYSELF
102
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,269
CHEAT NOTES ON MY HAND
SO I HAD A LIST OF TOPICS
103
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,010
OF THINGS I COULD TALK
TO THE GIRLS ABOUT.
104
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,141
Girl: WHAT'S THAT
ON YOUR HAND?
105
00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:17,491
Matthew: NOTHING.
106
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,754
MY ROMANTIC I.Q. MUST MATCH
MY UNDERWEAR SIZE,
107
00:05:19,797 --> 00:05:22,147
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY SHOWED
THE GIRL MY LIST.
108
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:24,019
IT'S A LIST OF THINGS
I COULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
109
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,588
[LAUGHING]
110
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,546
AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE
BIGGEST LOSER OF ALL TIME.
111
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:31,331
YEAH, IT WASN'T
AS BAD AS SENIOR PROM,
112
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,810
WHEN I SPENT
$150 ON EMILY,
113
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,378
AND DIDN'T EVEN GET
A KISS GOOD NIGHT.
114
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,511
SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW
IMPASSIONED I FEEL NOW
115
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,034
THAT I'VE ACTUALLY MET
THIS GIRL.
116
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,992
YOU'RE PATHETIC, MAN.
117
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:42,472
I MEAN, YOU LOSE
YOUR VIRGINITY,
118
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:43,560
AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET
THE GIRL'S NAME.
119
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,129
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
120
00:05:47,172 --> 00:05:49,479
IT'S PENILE POWER, MAN.
121
00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,133
I MEAN, I GOT IT
OUT OF AN AD
122
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,526
IN A MAGAZINE,
YOU KNOW?
123
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,745
IT'S GONNA HELP ME INCREASE
MY LENGTH AND GIRTH
124
00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:57,748
ALL JUST BY HANGING WEIGHTS
FROM MY COCK, MAN.
125
00:05:57,792 --> 00:06:00,360
CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
I'M UP TO 5 POUNDS.
126
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:02,449
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE STROKER,
NOT THE POKER, ROD.
127
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:03,885
HEY, MAN,
I'M DOING THIS FOR ME,
128
00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:05,626
AND LIKE I ALWAYS SAY,
YOU KNOW,
129
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:06,931
THE ANGLE
OF THE DANGLE
130
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:08,672
EQUALS THE CUBIC
OF THE PUBIC.
131
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:11,066
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
132
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:13,677
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST LIKE
TO SAY IT, YOU KNOW?
133
00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:15,549
BUT CHECK IT OUT.
THIS PENILE POWER THING?
134
00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:17,246
IT'S GONNA HELP ME,
YOU KNOW,
135
00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:18,639
INCREASE MY LIBIDO,
136
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,771
HELP ME MAINTAIN
A FULL, FIRM ERECTION,
137
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,251
AND IT'S GONNA
HELP ME CONTROL
138
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,427
MY EJACULATION, BABY.
139
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:27,430
SO I'M GONNA BE
DOIN' IT ALL NIGHT LONG.
140
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,779
AND WHEN DO YOU
START JUNIOR HIGH?
141
00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:31,086
NO, NO, MAN. LOOK,
I'M SERIOUS, IT WORKS.
142
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:33,305
CHECK THIS OUT.
THIS IS KUNG CHANG, RIGHT?
143
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:35,090
MASTER OF PENILE POWER.
144
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,308
I MEAN, LOOK IT,
RIGHT THERE.
145
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:39,007
HE'S LIFTING 500 POUNDS
WITH HIS PENIS, MAN.
146
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,487
GREAT, THAT'S USEFUL. WHAT,
IS HE GONNA ENTER HIMSELF
147
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,140
IN A TRACTOR PULL?
148
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:43,707
WHATEVER, MAN.
149
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:46,928
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT THIS GIRL, HUH?
150
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:47,929
UH....
151
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:49,365
OH, YOU KNOW,
SHE LEFT THESE.
152
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,932
OH, HEY, MAN.
LET ME SEE THAT.
153
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,977
[SNIFFING]
154
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,678
NO...
155
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,767
I DON'T RECOGNIZE
THIS ONE.
156
00:06:59,810 --> 00:07:01,290
HEY, GIVE 'EM BACK.
157
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:02,857
WHOO!
158
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:05,599
I MEAN, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO, MAN?
159
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:08,036
YOU GONNA BOIL 'EM TO
MAKE SOUP OR SOMETHING?
160
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:11,518
I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT
A GIRLFRIEND. JESUS.
161
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:12,780
[TELEVISION PLAYING MUSIC]
162
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:14,999
YOU KNOW, AND THEN
THERE'S THE OTHER THING.
163
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,392
YOU'LL BE SPENDING
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT
164
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,568
OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
WATCHING, YOU KNOW,
165
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:21,919
MOVIES THAT ARE ADAPTED FROM
THE LATEST JANE AUSTEN BOOK.
166
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,399
YOU DON'T WANT THAT, MAN.
167
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,619
THAT'S PRETTY COLD, ROD.
168
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:27,272
LISTEN, MAN. WHEN IT
COMES TO MEN AND WOMEN,
169
00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:29,492
MEN GET A RAW DEAL,
YOU KNOW?
170
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,233
FOR CENTURIES,
WE'VE BEEN KEELING OVER
171
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,496
10 OR 15 YEARS
BEFORE OUR WIVES,
172
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,280
AND ALL BECAUSE OF ALL
THE STRESS WE INCUR
173
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:37,718
IN THE WORKPLACE, RIGHT?
174
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,155
BUT NOT ONCE HAVE THEY
APOLOGIZED, MAN,
175
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:43,071
FOR ALL THE MILLIONS OF
YEARS OF LIFE WE'VE LOST
176
00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:46,901
FOR WORKING WHILE
WOMEN STAYED HOME.
177
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:47,815
Matthew, narrating:
I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
178
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:50,121
WHY ROD HATED WOMEN SO MUCH.
179
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:52,515
I SUSPECTED THAT THERE
WAS SOME GREAT HORROR
180
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:54,604
IN ROD'S PAST
THAT MADE HIM THIS WAY.
181
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,129
YOU KNOW, MAN,
ALLS YOU GOTTA DO
182
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:01,524
IS FIND THE MATCHING BRA
TO THOSE PANTIES AND...
183
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:03,918
BAM! MYSTERY SOLVED.
184
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:05,310
THAT'S NOT
A HALF-BAD IDEA.
185
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:08,096
YEAH. HEH.
186
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:11,621
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET INTO
THAT VIRGIN VAULT, MAN.
187
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:14,624
THEY DON'T LET BOYS IN
THE GIRLS' SIDE, ALL RIGHT?
188
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:16,017
NO, THIS'LL WORK.
189
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,497
YOU'RE HIGH, MAN.
190
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:19,760
ON MY OWN
TESTOSTERONE, MAYBE.
191
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,239
HEY, COME WITH ME,
ALL RIGHT?
192
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,202
HEY...
193
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:28,508
WHOA...
194
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:29,900
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
195
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:32,599
LOOK, ROD, I FOCUSED ALL
MY GREAT CEREBRAL POWERS
196
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:33,904
TO COME UP WITH
THIS BOLD PLAN
197
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:35,558
TO PENETRATE
THE VAULT, OK?
198
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,475
WHAT ARE YOU,
WILE E. COYOTE,
199
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,303
SUPER GENIUS,
OR SOMETHING?
200
00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:42,434
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
201
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:46,613
WAIT, THE COYOTE NEVER
CAUGHT THE ROADRUNNER, MAN.
202
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,571
[SCREECHING]
203
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,749
AAH!
204
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,403
AAH!
205
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,361
MMM...
206
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:00,670
MMM...
207
00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:01,671
[GRUNTING]
208
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:03,194
TAKE THAT!
209
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,371
GOTCHA.
210
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:11,725
HI, I'M MATT, THE NEW
WORK STUDY MAINTENANCE MAN.
211
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,901
UM, I GOT A CALL
ABOUT SOME RATS?
212
00:09:13,944 --> 00:09:15,032
[GIRL SCREAMS]
213
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:17,600
[DOOR BUZZES]
214
00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:21,343
OH! OH, NO.
215
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,780
MAN IN THE HALL!
216
00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:25,173
Matt: GETTING
MY FEMALE SUSPECTS
217
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:26,566
TO STEP OUT
OF THEIR ROOMS
218
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:27,784
WAS AS EASY
AS GIVING AWAY
219
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,570
FREE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS
TO GIRLS.
220
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:33,311
IT WAS AS IF I AS
A PERVERTED PRINCE CHARMING,
221
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,531
ONLY INSTEAD OF POSSESSING
CINDERELLA'S GLASS SLIPPERS,
222
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,924
I HAD HER PANTIES.
223
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,447
♪ I HAD IT
224
00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:39,753
♪ AND I LOST IT
225
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,798
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
226
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:43,147
♪ I HAD IT
227
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,975
♪ AND I LOST IT
228
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,716
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
229
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,979
♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE
A WORD SHE SAYS TO ME ♪
230
00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:53,418
♪ IT BRINGS ME CLOSER
TO INSANITY ♪
231
00:09:56,683 --> 00:10:00,556
♪ WHY CAN'T SHE
JUST UNDERSTAND? ♪
232
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,645
♪ THE THINGS SHE SAYS
COULD KILL A MAN ♪
233
00:10:05,953 --> 00:10:06,867
♪ I HAD IT
234
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,477
♪ AND I LOST IT
235
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,653
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
236
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:11,698
♪ I HAD IT
237
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,177
♪ AND I LOST IT
238
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,615
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
239
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:30,238
Girl: I MISS YOU.
240
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:32,457
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU
JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS?
241
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:33,545
Second Girl: GET OFF ME!
242
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:34,721
PUT YOUR STUPID
STUFF AWAY, OK,
243
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,113
AND GIVE ME
SOME, BABY.
244
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,028
IT'S GONNA BE OK.
COME ON, BABY.
245
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:39,987
JESUS, CRICK,
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?
246
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:42,337
PUT THAT STUPID SHIT
AWAY, ALL RIGHT?
247
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:43,643
CRICK, GET OFF!
248
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:47,472
LOOK, IT'S TIME YOU GAVE
ME SOME, ALL RIGHT?
249
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:48,299
JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
250
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:50,737
OW! YOU STAPLED MY ASS!
251
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,260
OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
252
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,696
STOP IT.
253
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,611
Matt, narrating:
HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME.
254
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,700
I JUST HOPED TO GET IN
A FEW VERBAL PUNCHES
255
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,354
BEFORE HE WENT
MIKE TYSON ON ME.
256
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:00,355
WHO ARE YOU?
257
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,617
I'M MATTHEW.
258
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,010
AND YOUR NAME'S CRICK,
259
00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:04,620
AS IN UP SHIT'S CRICK
WITHOUT A PADDLE?
260
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,274
I'VE SEEN YOU AROUND.
261
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,797
YOU'RE A NATURAL
BORN HIPSTER.
262
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,190
NATURAL BORN HIPSTER?
263
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:11,192
YEAH, THE NEXT EVOLUTION
OF A JOCK.
264
00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:12,628
YOU TRADED IN
YOUR LETTERMAN JACKET
265
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,631
FOR A MANICURED GOATEE
AND A EUROTRASH PONYTAIL.
266
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,024
YOU'RE THE WORST KIND
OF COOL.
267
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,721
YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY
WHO WEARS MALE MAKEUP.
268
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,288
A REAL FASHION PLATE.
269
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:22,290
YOU'RE LIVING PROOF
THAT THOSE BOY TOY DOOFUSES
270
00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:25,467
IN THOSE MEN'S MAGAZINES
AREN'T ALL RUMP RANGERS.
271
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:26,773
Matt, narrating:
I WAS A GONER,
272
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,426
BUT BETTER ME THAN HER.
273
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:29,950
WHAT WAS WORSE,
274
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,952
CRICK WAS HOPPED UP
ON NICOTINE GUM.
275
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:33,562
A CHAIN CHEWER,
AND HE CHEWED HIS GUM
276
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:34,389
WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN.
277
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,478
I HATED THAT NOISE.
278
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:37,740
IT WAS MY KRYPTONITE.
279
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:39,699
[STOMACH GROWLS]
280
00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:41,265
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
281
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:42,789
I'M HERE TO SAVE HER.
282
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,181
Crick: SAVE HER?
283
00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:45,922
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
284
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,404
Matt, narrating: CRICK
WASN'T WEARING HIS SHIRT.
285
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,927
HIS NIPPLES
ON HIS CHISELED PECS
286
00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:53,190
STOOD OUT LIKE KNOBS
ON AN OLD TV.
287
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,279
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT POSSESSED ME.
288
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:58,326
PROBABLY HIS INCESSANT
NICOTINE GUM CHEWING.
289
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,633
BUT MY HANDS REACHED OUT
290
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,157
LIKE THEY WERE DRAWING
TWIN SIX-GUNS.
291
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,770
I GRABBED HIS NIPPLES INTO
A DOUBLE TITTIE-TWISTER.
292
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,729
[SCREAMING]
293
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,124
[SQUEAKING]
294
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:19,042
Matt, narrating:
BUT SOMEHOW,
295
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,870
THROUGH HIS BLUR OF PAIN,
296
00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:22,524
CRICK FOUGHT BACK.
297
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,309
HE GRABBED MY NIPPLES
AND TWISTED.
298
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,050
[SCREAMING]
299
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,183
IT WAS TIT FOR TAT.
300
00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:31,663
SO WE FACED EACH OTHER
301
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,622
LOCKED IN NIPPLE COMBAT,
302
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:34,797
EACH TRYING TO ENDURE
303
00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:37,104
THE WRETCHED PAIN
THE LONGEST...
304
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:39,584
EACH OF US WAITING
FOR THE OTHER TO BLINK.
305
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,371
[GROWLING]
306
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,858
Matt, narrating: THEN...
307
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:52,815
I CRACKED.
308
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,821
HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA.
309
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,867
I'LL BE BACK
FOR YOUR ASS!
310
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,825
AND I'LL DEAL
WITH YOU LATER.
311
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,958
[CRICK CHEWING LOUDLY]
312
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,835
HERE, SOME MIDOL.
313
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,228
[LAUGHS]
314
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:16,143
IT DOES THE TRICK
WHEN MY NIPPLES GET SORE
315
00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,231
DURING MY PERIOD.
316
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:18,580
OH, THANKS.
317
00:13:20,974 --> 00:13:21,888
LET ME SEE.
318
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,848
OH...
319
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:28,720
THEY'RE ALL BRUISED.
320
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:31,506
IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE
2 BLACK EYES.
321
00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:33,421
WE SHOULD PUT
SOMETHING COLD ON THEM.
322
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,032
[GASPS]
323
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:37,860
HEY, YOU'RE
BRUISED, TOO.
324
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:40,167
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'M USED TO IT.
325
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,779
YOU'RE PATTY, HUH? YOU--
326
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,825
YOU DO THAT COMIC
IN THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
327
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:48,262
THAT'S ME.
328
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,351
AN ART SCHOOL GIRL, HUH?
329
00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,874
OH, IS THAT
WHAT YOU CALL ME?
330
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:52,919
NO, I...
331
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:54,398
I WASN'T CALLING YOU
ANYTHING.
332
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:57,010
IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU WOULD
HAVE CALLED ME A SLUT.
333
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,447
NOW, IN COLLEGE,
YOU CALL ME A GOOD TIME.
334
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,500
YOU LIKE MY SKIRT,
BUT YOU'RE THINKING,
335
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,198
"IF HER SKIRT
WERE ANY SHORTER,
336
00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,678
"SHE'D HAVE ANOTHER PAIR
OF CHEEKS TO POWDER,
337
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:16,333
AND HAVE TO PUT GLOSS
ON ANOTHER PAIR OF LIPS."
338
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,988
I--I WASN'T THINKING
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
339
00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:20,990
I THINK YOU'RE
A NICE GIRL.
340
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:22,339
Matt, narrating:
I WAS LYING.
341
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,776
I DID THINK
ALL THOSE THINGS.
342
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:26,343
SHE MAY NOT BE PERFECT,
343
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:29,869
BUT SHE OOZED SEX MORE
THAN A SPONGE CONTRACEPTIVE.
344
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,609
SHE HAD A SKANKY CUTENESS
345
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:35,439
THAT SET OFF MY HAIR TRIGGER
ERECTILE RESPONSE.
346
00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:37,964
SHE GOT MY PECKER TO STRAIN
LIKE A DOG ON A LEASH.
347
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,922
[BARKING]
348
00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:55,677
WHAT?
349
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:56,852
WHAT'S WRONG?
350
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,114
NOTHING. I'M SORRY.
351
00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,811
I'M JUST TRYING
TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER.
352
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,552
NO, I'M ALL BETTER.
353
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:06,383
YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
354
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:07,645
NO. I--
355
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:08,951
I LIKE YOU JUST FINE.
356
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,823
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME.
357
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,651
I'VE NEVER
HEARD ANYTHING.
358
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,697
SURE YOU HAVE.
359
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,699
THEY SAY, "IF SHE
STILL HAS A CHERRY,
360
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:18,961
"IT MUST BE
PUSHED BACK SO FAR,
361
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,920
SHE CAN USE IT
AS A TAIL LIGHT."
362
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:22,486
I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT.
363
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,706
YES, YOU HAVE.
364
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,969
MY REPUTATION
PRECEDES ME.
365
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,318
IT'S OK.
366
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,190
YOU KNOW, I'M--
I'M ALL FOR...
367
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,931
EXPERIMENTATION.
368
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,500
HEY, WHAT ARE THESE?
369
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:39,068
ARE THESE, UH,
ARE THESE STRESS BALLS?
370
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,852
YOU KNOW,
TO RELIEVE TENSION?
371
00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:42,245
LIKE, UH,
LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART DID
372
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,899
IN THAT OLD MOVIE.
WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
373
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,248
YOU KNOW,
HE WAS, LIKE, UH,
374
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,250
"THERE'S 3 WAYS TO DO
THINGS ABOARD MY VESSEL.
375
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:48,904
"THE RIGHT WAY,
THE WRONG WAY,
376
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,253
"AND MY WAY.
IF YOU DO THINGS MY WAY,
377
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:51,994
WE'LL GET ALONG
JUST FINE."
378
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,431
THOSE ARE
MY BEN WA BALLS.
379
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,476
WHAT?
380
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:56,999
BEN WA BALLS.
381
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,783
YOU KNOW, I PUT THEM
INSIDE OF ME,
382
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,221
I ROCK MY LEGS,
AND I GET OFF.
383
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,570
REALLY.
384
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:06,400
OK. I'M SORRY.
385
00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:07,575
I HAVE TO BE GOING.
386
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,272
[BALLS ROLLING]
387
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,848
YO, MATT.
388
00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:21,415
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
389
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:23,808
PENILE POWER. OH...
390
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:27,247
IT SEEMS TO BE CAUSING
A LITTLE GROWING PAINS,
391
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:29,379
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
392
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:32,339
SO WHAT'S PLAN B,
MR. WILE E. COYOTE?
393
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,080
I'M GONNA CONTINUE SEARCHING
FOR MY MYSTERY GIRL.
394
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:35,559
EVERY DAY,
BETWEEN GOING TO CLASSES
395
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:36,908
AND DOING HOMEWORK,
396
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:39,041
I CREATE A MAINTENANCE
PROBLEM IN THE VIRGIN VAULT.
397
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:40,564
YOU KNOW, SO THEY HAVE
TO LET ME IN TO FIX IT.
398
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,262
MAN IN THE HALL!
399
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:48,746
[RINGS]
400
00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:54,187
Matt: ONCE INSIDE,
I JUST FIGURE OUT A WAY
401
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,492
TO GET INTO
THE GIRLS' ROOMS.
402
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,059
HELLO?
403
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,321
HELLO?
404
00:16:58,365 --> 00:16:59,975
HELLO, THIS IS
PHIL GAMBONEY CALLING
405
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,585
FROM K.R.O.K. RADIO.
406
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:02,630
REALLY?
407
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,719
YOU WON THE MORNING PRIZE,
A NEW CAR.
408
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:05,720
Matt: YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN THERE THE DAY
409
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,939
I TURNED
THE AIR CONDITIONER UP.
410
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:09,724
MAN, IT WAS A FEAST
FOR THE EYES.
411
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,117
Rod: OH, YEAH.
412
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:17,253
Matt: AND THERE WAS
CYNTHIA--DESSERT--
413
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,342
THE CREÈME BRULEÉE
OF WOMANHOOD.
414
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:24,652
SHE LOOMED AS A TITAN
IN MY MASTURBATORY DREAMS.
415
00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:27,220
CYNTHIA IS
THE PERFECT EXAMPLE
416
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:29,178
OF THE POWER WOMAN HOLD
OVER MEN.
417
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,398
WE ARE PARALYZED
BY THEIR BEAUTY.
418
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,443
WE ARE RENDERED
SPEECHLESS BY IT.
419
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,228
IF WE'RE LUCKY TO SAY
ANYTHING TO THEM,
420
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,533
IT ALL SOUNDS
LIKE GIBBERISH.
421
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,534
YOU'RE MATT,
422
00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:38,796
THE MAINTENANCE GUY,
RIGHT?
423
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,494
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
424
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,585
UM, I NEED SOME HELP
IN MY ROOM.
425
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,369
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
426
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,763
Matt: I MEAN, HOW CAN A GUY
HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION
427
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,112
WITH A GIRL LIKE THIS
428
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,114
WHEN WE'RE MADE
SO HELPLESS?
429
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,811
IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,
430
00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:56,075
WHEN 2 MEMBERS OF A PACK
STARE AT EACH OTHER,
431
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:58,381
IT IS A TEST
OF DOMINANCE.
432
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:02,603
THE FIRST ONE TO LOOK AWAY
IS CONSIDERED THE WEAKER.
433
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:05,345
WHEN THIS HAPPENS
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN,
434
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,651
THE CARDS ARE STACKED
AGAINST A MAN.
435
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,131
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT--
436
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,655
EVERY TIME A GUY
MEETS A GIRL,
437
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,353
HE WANTS TO CHECK OUT
HER BREASTS.
438
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,878
A MAN MUST SUMMON
ALL HIS WILL
439
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:19,272
NOT TO LOOK DOWN
AT THOSE GOLDEN ORBS,
440
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,535
WHOSE WONDROUS TIPS
WERE UPTURNED,
441
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,232
AIMED RIGHT
AT HIS EYES.
442
00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:37,246
BUT ONCE A MAN LOSES
THIS TEST OF NERVES,
443
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:40,467
A WOMAN KNOWS SHE HAS A
GREAT SECRET POWER OVER HIM,
444
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:43,034
AND SHE CAN GET HIM TO DO
ANYTHING SHE WANTS.
445
00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:44,732
LIKE A SEXUAL SORCERESS,
446
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:46,864
CYNTHIA HAD SEVERAL MEN
UNDER HER SPELL.
447
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:48,431
WELL, YOU CAN USE
MY DESKTOP PC
448
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:49,824
ANY TIME YOU WANT
ALL SEMESTER.
449
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,304
CYNTHIA, I HAVE
AN EXTRA PIZZA,
450
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:52,479
AND I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANT IT.
451
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,089
WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
I JUST NEED SOME HELP
452
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,873
MOVING SOME FURNITURE,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
453
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,832
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
454
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:01,792
THANKS FOR GETTING US
MASTERPIECE THEATER.
455
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,925
STRANGE HOW ALL IT WAS
GETTING WAS ESPN.
456
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,622
YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.
457
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,581
ANYBODY FOR A GAME
OF FOOSBALL?
458
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:08,843
All: NO.
459
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,323
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
460
00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:13,587
HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MAINTENANCE BOY?
461
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,155
COME ON,
YOU WANT TO PLAY?
462
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,156
JUST ONE GAME.
463
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,635
I'M TALKING
ONE GAME HERE...
464
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,376
Matt: IT'S A BAD SIGN
WHEN YOU MEET A GIRL
465
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:21,812
WHO WEARS NO MAKEUP.
466
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:25,468
UNFORTUNATELY, I DIDN'T
HEED THE WARNINGS.
467
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:28,906
ARLENE SUCKERED ME INTO
A GAME OF STRIP FOOSBALL.
468
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,952
THE LOSER OF EACH GOAL
WILL HAVE TO REMOVE
469
00:19:30,995 --> 00:19:33,215
ONE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
470
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,956
PREPARE TO GET NAKED.
471
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:41,658
Girl: YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
472
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:42,833
WHOO-HOO!
473
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,270
GOAL!
474
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:47,360
GOAL!
475
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:50,493
GOAL!
476
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:54,758
GOAL!
477
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:57,674
All: BEAT MATT, BEAT MATT,
478
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,067
BEAT MATT, BEAT MATT,
479
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,416
BEAT--AAH!
480
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:06,248
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GIRLS
GET SUCH FIENDISH DELIGHT
481
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:07,815
IN DEFEATING MEN.
482
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:09,947
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
EMASCULATED OUR WHOLE LIVES.
483
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,819
YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO DISTRACT ME.
484
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,516
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
485
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,778
I MEAN, MY MOM
TAUGHT ME WHO WAS BOSS
486
00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:16,084
WHEN I WAS 5 YEARS OLD
487
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:19,174
AND SHE STARTED SPANKING
ME WITH A WOODEN SPOON.
488
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,784
HELL, WE'VE BEEN FORCED
INTO SUBMISSIVE ROLES
489
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,308
ALL OUR LIVES.
490
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:23,396
[ALL WHISPERING]
Beat Matt--
491
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:24,962
WE MIGHT AS WELL
BE WEARING
492
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:27,138
THOSE LITTLE
FRENCH MAID OUTFITS.
493
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:31,317
YOUR DUMB STORIES WILL
NOT THROW ME OFF MY GAME.
494
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,667
I'M TRYING TO MAKE
A POINT HERE, OK?
495
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,146
LET ME TELL YOU.
496
00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,539
I HAVE NEVER FELT
MORE MANLY
497
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,759
THAN THE DAY MY MOTHER
BROKE HER WOODEN SPOON
498
00:20:38,802 --> 00:20:40,369
OVER MY GRANITE-HARD
BUTTOCKS.
499
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:42,371
[GIGGLING]
500
00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:44,330
THE TYRANNY OF
THE WOODEN SPOON WAS OVER,
501
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,288
AND MY ASS CHEEKS
WERE LIBERATED.
502
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:47,289
UNTIL TODAY.
503
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,682
I'M KICKING YOUR HOLE.
504
00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:50,423
GOAL!
505
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:51,511
[ALL CHEERING]
506
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,650
Girl: YOU CAN DO IT.
KILL HIM. COME ON, ARLENE.
507
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:02,696
Matt: MY GREATEST FEAR
WAS BEING REALIZED.
508
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:05,264
WHAT IF ONE OF THESE GIRLS
IS MY ELEVATOR APHRODITE?
509
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,483
WHAT IF SHE SAW ME
GETTING BEAT BY A GIRL?
510
00:21:08,789 --> 00:21:10,181
IT'S GO TIME.
511
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:11,270
♪ YOU'RE A BITCH
512
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:14,664
♪ BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY
513
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,492
♪ OH, YOU CAN'T SING
514
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:20,409
♪ BUT YOU STILL
PUT ME TO SLEEP ♪
515
00:21:20,453 --> 00:21:22,324
♪ BABY, YOU'RE A BITCH
516
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:25,327
♪ HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY ♪
517
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,030
SCORE!
518
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:33,988
WHOO!
519
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:38,688
NOW, I WANT
TO SEE MY TROPHY.
520
00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:40,124
OH, NO.
521
00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:41,604
OH, YES.
522
00:21:44,215 --> 00:21:45,129
[ALL GIGGLING]
523
00:21:57,838 --> 00:21:59,405
[ALL GASPING]
524
00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:04,540
Matt: THANK GOD I TURNED
THE THERMOSTAT UP THAT DAY.
525
00:22:04,584 --> 00:22:06,803
OTHERWISE, MY MANHOOD
WOULD HAVE RECOILED
526
00:22:06,847 --> 00:22:09,415
LIKE A TURTLE HEAD
HIDING IN ITS SHELL...
527
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,634
INSTEAD OF HANGING OUT
LIKE AN ANACONDA
528
00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:13,506
WAITING FOR A REMATCH.
529
00:22:19,512 --> 00:22:21,688
OH, OOH...
530
00:22:24,952 --> 00:22:27,041
[ALL GASPING]
531
00:22:27,084 --> 00:22:29,391
Rod: OH, MAN,
YOU LOST TO A GIRL?
532
00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,262
YEAH,
AND MY PRIDE SHRANK
533
00:22:31,306 --> 00:22:33,656
LIKE MY SCROTUM
ON A SNOW DAY.
534
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,616
SPEAKING OF SCROTUM,
I THINK I CAN, YOU KNOW,
535
00:22:36,659 --> 00:22:39,183
ADD ON ANOTHER WEIGHT.
HEH HEH.
536
00:22:39,227 --> 00:22:40,359
[GRUNTING]
537
00:22:43,318 --> 00:22:45,146
I'M UP
TO 10 POUNDS, BABY.
538
00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:46,930
HEH HEH.
539
00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:48,236
WHOO...
540
00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:49,585
[MOANING]
541
00:22:49,629 --> 00:22:52,936
YOU KNOW, I WONDER
WHY GOD EQUIPPED WOMEN
542
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:55,374
WITH ALL THE WEAPONS
FOR SEDUCTION.
543
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:57,201
Rod: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
544
00:22:57,245 --> 00:23:01,075
WELL, TAKE THE BREAST
FOR EXAMPLE.
545
00:23:01,118 --> 00:23:03,120
YOU HAVE THE BOSOM,
546
00:23:03,164 --> 00:23:05,471
THE AREOLA,
547
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:06,733
THE NIPPLE.
548
00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:09,170
I MEAN, THOSE ARE
3 CONCENTRIC CIRCLES.
549
00:23:09,213 --> 00:23:10,519
IN OTHER WORDS,
550
00:23:10,563 --> 00:23:13,435
IT'S A BULL'S-EYE.
551
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:16,264
IT'S NO WONDER THE BREAST
IS THE TARGET FOR ALL MEN.
552
00:23:16,307 --> 00:23:19,310
WOW, THAT'S PROFOUND.
553
00:23:19,354 --> 00:23:21,356
AND MEN ARE GROTESQUE.
554
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,358
I'M NOT--I'M NOT
JUST TALKING ABOUT, UH,
555
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,186
THE LITTLE HABITS
WE HAVE
556
00:23:25,229 --> 00:23:27,667
LIKE CLEANING OUR EARS
WITH OUR CAR KEYS.
557
00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,495
I MEAN, WE'RE
GROTESQUE TO THE CORE.
558
00:23:29,538 --> 00:23:31,279
I MEAN,
LOOK AT THE PENIS.
559
00:23:31,322 --> 00:23:32,323
THE PENIS--
IT JUST LOOKS LIKE
560
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:33,542
GOD HAD
SOME LEFTOVER SKIN
561
00:23:33,586 --> 00:23:34,587
WHEN HE WAS
MAKING THE ELBOW,
562
00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:35,849
AND DECIDED TO SLAP IT
IN OUR GROIN--
563
00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,198
HEY, MAN,
GET THAT OUT OF HERE.
564
00:23:37,241 --> 00:23:39,679
IT FREAKS ME OUT, OK?
565
00:23:39,722 --> 00:23:40,984
I MEAN, THE PENIS--
566
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,333
IT'S THE FIRST TO SHRIVEL
WHEN IT'S COLD,
567
00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:44,248
IT'S THE FIRST
TO SHRINK IN FEAR.
568
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:46,642
THE PENIS IS A COWARD.
569
00:23:46,686 --> 00:23:49,428
IT'S A COWARDLY FLAP
OF LEFTOVER ELBOW FLESH.
570
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:50,733
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T
THINK THAT WAY
571
00:23:50,777 --> 00:23:54,215
IF YOU HAD A LITTLE OF
MY PENILE POWER, BABY.
572
00:23:58,785 --> 00:23:59,742
Matt: I SCREWED UP
THE AIR CONDITIONING
573
00:23:59,786 --> 00:24:02,441
IN THE VIRGIN VAULT
AGAIN TODAY.
574
00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:03,790
THIS TIME,
IT'S TOO HOT,
575
00:24:03,833 --> 00:24:05,792
SO THE GIRLS HAVE TO STRIP
DOWN TO NEXT TO NOTHING.
576
00:24:07,881 --> 00:24:10,492
I SHOULD BE GETTING A CALL
ANY TIME NOW TO FIX IT.
577
00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:16,977
DO YOU HAVE
ANY SUSPECTS YET?
578
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:18,587
NO, THERE'S
TOO MANY CHOICES.
579
00:24:18,631 --> 00:24:20,633
THEIR DORM IS A WOMEN'S
SAMPLER OF WOMEN.
580
00:24:20,676 --> 00:24:21,938
YEAH...
581
00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:23,636
A VIRTUAL POTPOURRI
OF PUSSY.
582
00:24:25,159 --> 00:24:26,987
YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE
THAN JUST SEX, ROD.
583
00:24:27,030 --> 00:24:29,642
I MEAN, THOSE WOMEN
HAVE DISTINCT PERSONALITIES.
584
00:24:29,685 --> 00:24:31,252
I MEAN, LOOK OVER THERE.
585
00:24:31,295 --> 00:24:32,601
YOU SEE THAT GIRL?YEAH.
586
00:24:32,645 --> 00:24:35,212
I CALL HER
EVER TAN BARBARA.
587
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:37,214
HEY, WHO'S THE GIRL WITH
THE MAGIC MARKERS UP THERE?
588
00:24:37,258 --> 00:24:39,260
OH, THAT'S RENE.
589
00:24:39,303 --> 00:24:42,437
SHE WRITES CHEAT NOTES
ON HER BREASTS.
590
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:43,873
YOU SEE NEXT DOOR?
591
00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:45,266
THAT'S SASHA.
592
00:24:45,309 --> 00:24:47,486
SHE'S TOTALLY INTO PURPLE.
593
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:49,618
OH, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GIRL
AT THE FRONT DESK, RHONDA?
594
00:24:49,662 --> 00:24:51,446
SHE COULD BE
REALLY CUTE,
595
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:52,534
EXCEPT SHE HAS
THIS NERVOUS HABIT
596
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,144
OF PICKING
HER EYEBROWS.
597
00:24:54,188 --> 00:24:55,624
OH, YEAH.
NICE FROM AFAR,
598
00:24:55,668 --> 00:24:57,670
BUT FAR FROM NICE.
599
00:24:57,713 --> 00:24:58,932
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WERE RIGHT.
600
00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:00,586
THERE ARE GIRLS THAT
WATCH JANE AUSTEN MOVIES
601
00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:02,196
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT.
602
00:25:02,239 --> 00:25:03,197
YOU KNOW,
THE LITERARY WORLD
603
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,546
HAS A TERM
FOR THOSE FANATICS.
604
00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:06,853
THEY'RE CALLED
"JANE-ITES."
605
00:25:06,896 --> 00:25:08,463
OH, MY GOSH. LET'S
WATCH IT TONIGHT.
606
00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:09,595
I'LL MAKE
THE POPCORN.
607
00:25:09,638 --> 00:25:10,596
OH!
608
00:25:10,639 --> 00:25:12,511
OH, THERE'S
THIS GIRL, PENNY.
609
00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:13,947
HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
SHE'S ALWAYS ON THE PHONE,
610
00:25:13,990 --> 00:25:16,210
CRYING WITH HER
LONG DISTANCE BOYFRIEND.
611
00:25:16,253 --> 00:25:17,690
HE ALWAYS WANTS
TO BREAK UP WITH HER.
612
00:25:17,733 --> 00:25:19,561
SHE'S ON THE SAME FLOOR
AS MAUREEN.
613
00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:21,694
MAUREEN HAS A DIFFERENT
HAIRSTYLE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
614
00:25:21,737 --> 00:25:24,523
Rod: YEAH, I'VE
SEEN HER AROUND.
615
00:25:24,566 --> 00:25:25,872
WHOA!
616
00:25:25,915 --> 00:25:27,613
W-WHO'S THAT GIRL WITH
THE GREEN SLIME, MAN?
617
00:25:27,656 --> 00:25:28,875
YOU FOUND DANA.
618
00:25:28,918 --> 00:25:30,354
YEAH, SHE'S ON
AN ALL-ALGAE DIET.
619
00:25:30,398 --> 00:25:31,573
Rod: OH...
620
00:25:31,617 --> 00:25:33,532
HEY, WHO'S
THE HUMMER ON 3?
621
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:34,794
OH, THAT'S MICHELLE.
622
00:25:34,837 --> 00:25:36,447
SHE SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND
OF BUDDHIST MONK,
623
00:25:36,491 --> 00:25:37,448
DON'T YOU THINK?
624
00:25:37,492 --> 00:25:38,449
[LAUGHS]
625
00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:39,755
HEY, SO, UM...
626
00:25:39,799 --> 00:25:42,062
YOU GOT ANY MORE
SUSPICIOUS SUSPECTS YET?
627
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:44,368
I HAVE THAT ONE GIRL WHO
NEVER COMES OUT OF HER ROOM.
628
00:25:44,412 --> 00:25:46,762
SEE, I STAKED OUT HER ROOM
AND I LISTENED.
629
00:25:46,806 --> 00:25:49,069
I JUST HEARD A LITTLE BIT
OF RUSTLING, THAT'S IT.
630
00:25:49,112 --> 00:25:51,811
I BET YOU THAT'S
YOUR MYSTERY WOMAN.
631
00:25:54,727 --> 00:25:56,598
HURRY UP,
THE MOVIE'S AT 7:30.
632
00:25:56,642 --> 00:25:57,947
I CAN'T LOCK THE DOOR.
633
00:25:57,991 --> 00:25:58,948
FORGET ABOUT IT.
634
00:25:58,992 --> 00:25:59,949
WE'RE GONNA MISS
THE TRAILER
635
00:25:59,993 --> 00:26:00,907
FOR NORTHENDER ABBY.
636
00:26:02,691 --> 00:26:03,997
Matthew narrating:
SATURDAY NIGHTS
637
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,694
WERE THE BEST FOR SNEAKING
INTO GIRLS ROOMS.
638
00:26:05,738 --> 00:26:07,348
ALL THE GIRLS WENT
OUT ON DATES
639
00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,002
OR HOME FOR THE WEEKEND.
640
00:26:09,045 --> 00:26:10,917
AND THEIR DORM WAS
PRACTICALLY EMPTY.
641
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,093
EXCEPT FOR DORA.
642
00:26:13,136 --> 00:26:15,704
SHE NEVER HAD ANYWHERE
TO GO ON SATURDAY NIGHT.
643
00:26:15,748 --> 00:26:18,402
I DID HAVE TO ADMIT
THAT I'D SEEN CUTER GIRLS
644
00:26:18,446 --> 00:26:19,882
IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.
645
00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:21,362
I MEAN, SHE'S
THE KIND OF GIRL
646
00:26:21,405 --> 00:26:22,929
ABOUT WHOM ROD WOULD SAY:
647
00:26:22,972 --> 00:26:24,060
I WOULDN'T
EVEN SCREW HER
648
00:26:24,104 --> 00:26:26,541
WITH YOUR DICK,
MAN. HEH HEH.
649
00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,630
BUT I FELT FOR HER.
650
00:26:28,674 --> 00:26:30,327
[RESPIRATOR
BREATHING NOISE]
651
00:26:30,371 --> 00:26:31,633
WHEN YOU'RE NOT
GOOD LOOKING,
652
00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:33,374
YOU BECOME A FAILURE
BY DEFAULT.
653
00:26:33,417 --> 00:26:36,682
PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE
YOU HAVE THE EBOLA VIRUS.
654
00:26:36,725 --> 00:26:38,118
THEY DON'T WANNA
GET NEAR YOU
655
00:26:38,161 --> 00:26:39,423
BECAUSE THEY THINK
WHAT YOU HAVE
656
00:26:39,467 --> 00:26:41,164
MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS.
657
00:26:41,208 --> 00:26:44,733
IT'S CRUEL.
658
00:26:44,777 --> 00:26:46,300
THIS WOMEN'S
STUDIES CLASS
659
00:26:46,343 --> 00:26:47,997
IS GONNA BE
A BREEZE.
660
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:51,827
YEAH, WE GET TO CHECK OUT
ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS.
661
00:26:51,871 --> 00:26:52,828
HEH HEH.
662
00:26:52,872 --> 00:26:54,656
OH.
663
00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:56,440
I THINK WE MADE A
REALLY BIG MISTAKE.
664
00:26:56,484 --> 00:26:58,094
TODAY, CLASS,
665
00:26:58,138 --> 00:27:01,358
WE ARE GONNA STUDY
PATRIARCHAL INFRASTRUCTURES
666
00:27:01,402 --> 00:27:03,534
THAT EXERCISE GENDER-BASED
DISCRIMINATION.
667
00:27:03,578 --> 00:27:05,580
WHO CAN GIVE ME EXAMPLES?
668
00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:08,583
THE POPE WON'T
ALLOW WOMEN PRIESTS.
669
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:10,846
AND HOW COME IT'S OK
FOR A MAN TO BE PROMISCUOUS,
670
00:27:10,890 --> 00:27:13,457
BUT WHEN A WOMAN DOES IT
SHE'S CALLED A SLUT?
671
00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:15,329
WHY IS IT CALLED
"HIS STORY"
672
00:27:15,372 --> 00:27:17,810
INSTEAD
OF "HER STORY"?
673
00:27:17,853 --> 00:27:19,942
WHY ARE WOMEN'S SHOES
ALWAYS SO UNCOMFORTABLE?
674
00:27:19,986 --> 00:27:21,640
AND IT'S OK FOR AN OLDER MAN
TO GO OUT WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN,
675
00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:23,424
BUT IT'S NOT OK
FOR AN OLDER WOMAN
676
00:27:23,467 --> 00:27:24,773
TO GO OUT
WITH A YOUNGER MAN.
677
00:27:24,817 --> 00:27:25,948
VERY GOOD.
678
00:27:25,992 --> 00:27:27,210
WOULD THE BOYS...
679
00:27:27,254 --> 00:27:28,690
IN THE BACK...
680
00:27:28,734 --> 00:27:30,300
WOULD YOU CARE
TO CONTRIBUTE?
681
00:27:33,173 --> 00:27:36,002
YOU ENROLLED IN MY CLASS
TO MEET GIRLS, DIDN'T YOU?
682
00:27:36,045 --> 00:27:38,918
THERE'S A COUPLE OF YOU
EVERY SEMESTER.
683
00:27:38,961 --> 00:27:41,311
NONE OF YOU EVER LAST.
684
00:27:41,355 --> 00:27:42,443
Matthew narrating: GREAT.
685
00:27:42,486 --> 00:27:45,620
I NEED TO MAINTAIN
AT LEAST A 3.75 G.P.A
686
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,230
TO KEEP MY SCHOLARSHIP.
687
00:27:47,274 --> 00:27:49,755
NOW ILSA,
688
00:27:49,798 --> 00:27:51,844
SHE WOLF OF THE SS
IS GONNA MAKE ME LOSE IT.
689
00:27:51,887 --> 00:27:54,107
I WILL ENJOY TEACHING
YOU BOYS A LESSON.
690
00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:55,064
[CRACK]
691
00:28:02,332 --> 00:28:05,118
Matt: ONE SATURDAY,
I GOT CARELESS.
692
00:28:12,603 --> 00:28:14,562
DISASTER STRUCK
693
00:28:14,605 --> 00:28:17,043
MOMENTS AFTER I HAD TO
DRAIN MY MAIN VEIN.
694
00:28:17,086 --> 00:28:19,045
[TOILET FLUSHES]
695
00:28:19,088 --> 00:28:20,742
[RUNNING WATER]
696
00:28:27,401 --> 00:28:29,664
Matt: WOMEN HAVE
A SIXTH SENSE.
697
00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:31,971
THEY KNOW WHEN
SOMETHING IS AMISS.
698
00:28:32,014 --> 00:28:35,496
THEY SEE THINGS THAT GO
UNDETECTED TO A MAN'S EYE.
699
00:28:38,804 --> 00:28:41,197
WITH JUST
THE SLIGHTEST DETAIL,
700
00:28:41,241 --> 00:28:42,982
SHE KNEW THAT
A MALE PRESENCE
701
00:28:43,025 --> 00:28:44,113
HAD BEEN IN THE ROOM...
702
00:28:46,072 --> 00:28:49,292
AND I WAS SUCH A FOOL.
703
00:28:49,336 --> 00:28:52,818
I'D LEFT BEHIND THE MOST
DAMNING PIECE OF EVIDENCE.
704
00:29:21,237 --> 00:29:24,588
BUT THIS GIRL
WAS A FORENSIC PRO.
705
00:29:24,632 --> 00:29:25,807
SHE COULD HAVE BEEN
TRAINED BY MY MOTHER.
706
00:29:29,898 --> 00:29:32,118
MY EYES! AAH,
MY EYES! MY EYES!
707
00:29:32,161 --> 00:29:33,293
AAH!
708
00:29:33,336 --> 00:29:35,295
MATTHEW?
709
00:29:35,338 --> 00:29:37,340
HUH?
710
00:29:37,384 --> 00:29:39,821
IT'S ME, WENDY,
FROM 11th GRADE TRIG?
711
00:29:39,865 --> 00:29:41,780
REMEMBER, WE ALL
SAT IN THE BACK
712
00:29:41,823 --> 00:29:43,738
'CAUSE MR. PERIALIS
HAD SUCH BAD BREATH?
713
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,262
YEAH. HI.
714
00:29:46,306 --> 00:29:48,525
HI.
715
00:29:48,569 --> 00:29:51,485
SERIOUSLY, I'M LOOKING
FOR THIS GIRL.
716
00:29:51,528 --> 00:29:52,660
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
717
00:29:52,703 --> 00:29:54,096
YOU CAN CHECK
IN MY RIGHT POCKET.
718
00:29:54,140 --> 00:29:55,271
I HAVE HER PANTIES
IN THERE.
719
00:29:55,315 --> 00:29:56,316
I BELIEVE YOU.
720
00:29:56,359 --> 00:29:57,317
SO, YOU'RE
GONNA CHECK
721
00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:58,709
EVERY GIRL
IN THE BUILDING?
722
00:29:58,753 --> 00:30:01,451
IF I CAN EVER SEE AGAIN.
723
00:30:01,495 --> 00:30:04,019
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.
724
00:30:04,063 --> 00:30:05,325
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL HELP YOU.
725
00:30:05,368 --> 00:30:06,326
YEAH?
726
00:30:06,369 --> 00:30:08,850
I'M A SUCKER
FOR MATCHMAKING.
727
00:30:08,894 --> 00:30:11,722
COO COO, COO!
728
00:30:13,028 --> 00:30:14,900
I WANTED TO
LET YOU KNOW,
729
00:30:14,943 --> 00:30:15,901
WE'RE GONNA BE
DOING
730
00:30:15,944 --> 00:30:17,119
THE LIGHTS
TODAY, OK?
731
00:30:17,163 --> 00:30:18,729
YEAH.
THANKS.
732
00:30:25,562 --> 00:30:28,130
CA-CAW, CA-CAW.
733
00:30:28,174 --> 00:30:29,566
[WENDY CLEARS HER THROAT]
734
00:30:29,610 --> 00:30:32,395
HEY, I JUST WANTED
TO LET YOU KNOW
735
00:30:32,439 --> 00:30:33,832
THAT I THINK YOUR HAIR
LOOKS REALLY CUTE,
736
00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:34,833
AND THAT'S ALL.
737
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:36,051
OK, THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.
738
00:30:36,095 --> 00:30:37,836
OK. HEH.
739
00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:43,450
Matt: WITH THE HELP OF MY
FAITHFUL COMPANION WENDY,
740
00:30:43,493 --> 00:30:45,539
I FOUND A MATCH.
741
00:30:45,582 --> 00:30:46,888
I WAITED IMPATIENTLY
742
00:30:46,932 --> 00:30:48,977
FOR MY MYSTERY MAIDEN
TO RETURN.
743
00:30:49,021 --> 00:30:52,024
IT WAS HOURS.
744
00:30:52,067 --> 00:30:55,462
FINALLY, MY ROMANTIC
QUEST WAS REWARDED.
745
00:30:55,505 --> 00:30:56,376
SHE WAS A GODDESS...
746
00:30:56,419 --> 00:30:57,899
OH, MY GOD.
747
00:30:57,943 --> 00:30:59,292
MORE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER
POSSIBLY HAVE HOPED FOR.
748
00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:00,293
I'VE BEEN WAITING
SO LONG HERE,
749
00:31:00,336 --> 00:31:01,250
WAITING FOR YOU.
750
00:31:01,294 --> 00:31:02,599
I'VE BEEN WAITING
SO LONG
751
00:31:02,643 --> 00:31:04,253
BECAUSE I'M THE GUY
FROM THE ELEVATOR.
752
00:31:04,297 --> 00:31:05,689
Matt: I WAS
CORRUPT WITH HAPPINESS.
753
00:31:05,733 --> 00:31:07,953
I IMMEDIATELY DECLARED THE
ENTIRE JAMBALAYA OF FEELINGS
754
00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:09,389
I HAD HAD FOR HER.
755
00:31:09,432 --> 00:31:11,957
I THINK EVEN THE WORD
"LOVE" WAS USED.
756
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:13,959
I LOVE YOU.
757
00:31:14,002 --> 00:31:16,135
SHE KEPT ME
FROZEN IN SUSPENSE
758
00:31:16,178 --> 00:31:18,137
AS I WAITED
FOR A RESPONSE.
759
00:31:21,923 --> 00:31:25,622
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
MY SPIRITS CRASHED
760
00:31:25,666 --> 00:31:27,407
LIKE SOME
KARMIC HINDENBERG.
761
00:31:27,450 --> 00:31:29,278
Newscaster: YOU MUST AGREE
THAT THIS IS TERRIBLE.
762
00:31:29,322 --> 00:31:31,193
THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST
CATASTROPHES IN THE WORLD.
763
00:31:31,237 --> 00:31:32,586
HELL ON EARTH!
764
00:31:32,629 --> 00:31:34,588
GOD! OH, THE HUMANITY!
765
00:31:34,631 --> 00:31:36,807
I CAN'T TALK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
766
00:31:38,331 --> 00:31:40,202
♪ HEY, BROTHER,
WHAT'S WRONG? ♪
767
00:31:40,246 --> 00:31:41,203
♪ I'M AGGRAVATED
768
00:31:41,247 --> 00:31:43,336
Rod: STOP SULKING, MAN.
769
00:31:43,379 --> 00:31:44,641
DON'T YOU GET IT?
770
00:31:44,685 --> 00:31:46,121
WOMEN ARE
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
771
00:31:46,165 --> 00:31:47,993
GREAT. HERE WE GO AGAIN.
772
00:31:48,036 --> 00:31:49,429
Rod: HEAR ME OUT, MAN.
773
00:31:49,472 --> 00:31:51,648
WOMEN COMPLAIN THAT
ALL MEN WANT THEIR GIRLS
774
00:31:51,692 --> 00:31:54,434
TO LOOK LIKE CENTERFOLD
HOTTIES OR SOMETHING,
775
00:31:54,477 --> 00:31:55,435
AND IT MAKES THEM ANGRY
776
00:31:55,478 --> 00:31:56,436
THAT THEY
HAVE TO LIVE UP
777
00:31:56,479 --> 00:31:58,699
TO THIS
IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATION.
778
00:31:58,742 --> 00:32:00,353
BUT WHAT ABOUT
US GUYS, RIGHT?
779
00:32:00,396 --> 00:32:02,268
I MEAN, WE HAVE TO LIVE
WITH THE DISAPPOINTMENT
780
00:32:02,311 --> 00:32:03,312
THAT OUR WOMEN
781
00:32:03,356 --> 00:32:04,531
WON'T LOOK LIKE
CENTERFOLD HOTTIES.
782
00:32:04,574 --> 00:32:07,142
THEY EVER TAKE THAT
INTO CONSIDERATION? NO.
783
00:32:07,186 --> 00:32:08,578
I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN
CONDITIONED TO EXPECT
784
00:32:08,622 --> 00:32:09,579
SOMETHING
THAT WE'RE NEVER,
785
00:32:09,623 --> 00:32:11,103
EVER, EVER GONNA GET.
786
00:32:11,146 --> 00:32:13,975
AND WHAT'S WORSE IS, MEN
AGE BETTER THAN WOMEN.
787
00:32:14,019 --> 00:32:14,976
I MEAN,
WHILE WE'RE GETTING
788
00:32:15,020 --> 00:32:16,369
BETTER LOOKING
OVER TIME,
789
00:32:16,412 --> 00:32:18,762
WE GET STUCK WITH WOMEN
WHO START GETTING
790
00:32:18,806 --> 00:32:20,286
SAGGY TITS
AND START WEARING THOSE
791
00:32:20,329 --> 00:32:22,679
BATHING SUITS THAT COVER
THEIR BELLY BUTTONS.
792
00:32:22,723 --> 00:32:25,465
AND THEN THEY GET THOSE
SHORT, ASEXUAL HAIRCUTS
793
00:32:25,508 --> 00:32:26,727
AND THEIR
THUNDER THIGHS--UHH!
794
00:32:26,770 --> 00:32:28,163
MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN
TURNS A MAN
795
00:32:28,207 --> 00:32:29,599
INTO A CELLULITE SURFER.
796
00:32:29,643 --> 00:32:30,861
I MEAN, WHO GETS
797
00:32:30,905 --> 00:32:31,993
THE BETTER END
OF THE DEAL, HUH?
798
00:32:32,037 --> 00:32:33,864
Matt: I WONDER WHAT
PROM-NIGHT SUCCUBUS
799
00:32:33,908 --> 00:32:35,301
OR SECOND-DATE SIREN
800
00:32:35,344 --> 00:32:37,956
HAD INSTILLED HIM WITH
SUCH ZEALOUS MISOGYNY.
801
00:32:39,174 --> 00:32:41,350
HEY, DO YOU
BELIEVE IT, MAN?
802
00:32:41,394 --> 00:32:42,351
I'VE GAINED
A HALF AN INCH
803
00:32:42,395 --> 00:32:43,483
SINCE I STARTED
USING THIS THING.
804
00:32:43,526 --> 00:32:45,006
HEY, MAN.
805
00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:46,965
WHERE DO YOU START
YOUR MEASUREMENT
806
00:32:47,008 --> 00:32:48,183
WHEN YOU, YOU KNOW,
807
00:32:48,227 --> 00:32:49,315
WHEN YOU MEASURE
YOUR DICK, MAN?
808
00:32:51,621 --> 00:32:53,754
Matt: ALL RIGHT.
I ADMIT IT.
809
00:32:53,797 --> 00:32:55,495
I HAVE MEASURED MY DICK.
810
00:32:55,538 --> 00:32:56,975
WE ALL HAVE.
811
00:32:57,018 --> 00:32:59,368
BUT THE EVOLVED MAN
THAT I WAS,
812
00:32:59,412 --> 00:33:01,066
I DIDN'T WANT TO DIGNIFY
ROD WITH AN ANSWER.
813
00:33:01,109 --> 00:33:03,503
IN YOUR CASE,
FROM THE NECK UP.
814
00:33:03,546 --> 00:33:05,331
SCREW YOU, MAN.
815
00:33:05,374 --> 00:33:08,421
SO, HEY,
WHAT YOU READING?
816
00:33:08,464 --> 00:33:09,770
Matt: I WAS JUST
CHECKING TO MAKE SURE
817
00:33:09,813 --> 00:33:11,032
THE PAPER PRINTED MY AD.
818
00:33:11,076 --> 00:33:12,207
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
NO CLUE ANYMORE
819
00:33:12,251 --> 00:33:14,079
HOW TO FIND
MY BLACKOUT KNOCKOUT,
820
00:33:14,122 --> 00:33:15,080
YOU KNOW, SO EVERY WEEK,
821
00:33:15,123 --> 00:33:16,429
I'VE BEEN TAKING OUT
A PERSONAL AD
822
00:33:16,472 --> 00:33:17,734
IN THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER,
823
00:33:17,778 --> 00:33:18,997
TELLING MY MYSTERY GIRL
824
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,085
THAT I'LL BE WAITING
EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT
825
00:33:20,128 --> 00:33:22,652
IN THE BASEMENT
OF VIRGINOFF HALL,
826
00:33:22,696 --> 00:33:24,524
YOU KNOW,
SO IN COMPLETE DARKNESS,
827
00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:26,482
WE CAN RENEW
OUR RELATIONSHIP
828
00:33:26,526 --> 00:33:29,442
UNTIL BOTH OF US DECIDE
TO REVEAL OUR IDENTITIES.
829
00:33:29,485 --> 00:33:32,053
YOU SIT IN THE DARK
EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT?
830
00:33:32,097 --> 00:33:33,837
HA HA HA!
831
00:33:33,881 --> 00:33:36,057
YOU'RE A SICKO, MAN.
832
00:33:36,101 --> 00:33:37,189
YOU'RE--YOU'RE A FREAK.
833
00:33:37,232 --> 00:33:39,539
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
834
00:33:39,582 --> 00:33:42,107
ALL RIGHT, MAN.
TAKE IT EASY,
835
00:33:42,150 --> 00:33:45,632
AND IF SHE'S EASY,
TAKE HER TWICE. HA HA!
836
00:33:45,675 --> 00:33:49,070
Matt: MY WHOLE OPERATION
WAS A ROMANTIC BAY OF PIGS.
837
00:33:49,114 --> 00:33:51,638
I'D ALREADY SPENT SEVERAL
THURSDAY NIGHTS IN THE DARK,
838
00:33:51,681 --> 00:33:53,248
AND SHE HAD YET TO SHOW UP.
839
00:33:53,292 --> 00:33:55,424
[DOOR OPENS]
840
00:33:55,468 --> 00:33:56,773
HELLO?
841
00:33:56,817 --> 00:33:58,166
HEY.
842
00:33:59,950 --> 00:34:02,866
IT'S ME. WENDY?
843
00:34:02,910 --> 00:34:05,739
OH. HEY.
844
00:34:05,782 --> 00:34:08,046
SHE DIDN'T COME,
DID SHE?
845
00:34:08,089 --> 00:34:11,005
NO. HOW'D YOU KNOW
I WAS DOWN HERE?
846
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:13,268
I READ YOUR PERSONAL AD.
847
00:34:13,312 --> 00:34:14,922
IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
848
00:34:14,965 --> 00:34:16,445
SHE'S PROBABLY
NOT GONNA SHOW,
849
00:34:16,489 --> 00:34:18,360
BUT I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT WANT SOME DINNER.
850
00:34:18,404 --> 00:34:20,667
YOU KNOW, COMFORT FOOD?
851
00:34:20,710 --> 00:34:23,322
Matt: WENDY WAS THE
UÜBERGIRLNEXT DOOR,
852
00:34:23,365 --> 00:34:26,107
A TESTAMENT TO WHY WOMEN
ARE SOCIETY'S CHEERLEADERS.
853
00:34:26,151 --> 00:34:28,327
EVERYTHING SHE DID
WAS PERFECT.
854
00:34:28,370 --> 00:34:31,895
SHE WAS AROUSING IN
THAT VIRGINAL "MARY ANN,
855
00:34:31,939 --> 00:34:34,333
NOT GINGER" SORT OF WAY.
856
00:34:34,376 --> 00:34:36,378
THIS KIND OF GIRL
IS SCARY.
857
00:34:36,422 --> 00:34:39,642
SHE'S THE KIND OF GIRL
YOU TAKE HOME TO MOM,
858
00:34:39,686 --> 00:34:40,948
AND, EVEN SCARIER,
859
00:34:40,991 --> 00:34:43,037
SHE'S THE KIND OF GIRL
YOU MARRY,
860
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:44,212
AND SHE BECOMES YOUR MOM.
861
00:34:44,256 --> 00:34:46,388
SHE DRESSES YOU,
FEEDS YOU,
862
00:34:46,432 --> 00:34:47,650
LEAVES NOTES
ON TOILET SEATS
863
00:34:47,694 --> 00:34:49,739
TELLING YOU WHAT CHORES
NEED TO BE DONE.
864
00:34:49,783 --> 00:34:51,219
SHE'S SCARY
865
00:34:51,263 --> 00:34:53,439
BECAUSE YOU COULD JUST SEE
YOURSELF FALLING FOR HER,
866
00:34:53,482 --> 00:34:55,136
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
867
00:34:55,180 --> 00:34:56,877
USUALLY IF YOU
FALL FOR HER,
868
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,967
YOU'RE SETTLING FOR
JUST THE AVERAGE.
869
00:35:00,010 --> 00:35:01,795
WHAT?
870
00:35:01,838 --> 00:35:04,276
YOU'RE JUST SO PERFECT.
871
00:35:04,319 --> 00:35:06,452
I HATE IT WHEN
PEOPLE SAY THAT.
872
00:35:06,495 --> 00:35:08,149
I DON'T WANT
TO BE PERFECT.
873
00:35:13,807 --> 00:35:17,550
SO, MY DAD HAD POLIO
WHEN HE WAS A KID,
874
00:35:17,593 --> 00:35:20,901
AND HE HAD THIS
REALLY BAD LEG,
875
00:35:20,944 --> 00:35:22,816
AND WHENEVER HE WALKED,
876
00:35:22,859 --> 00:35:26,254
IT MADE
THIS CREEPY, LIKE,
877
00:35:26,298 --> 00:35:29,170
THUMP-THUMPING NOISE,
878
00:35:29,214 --> 00:35:31,738
AND JUST SUPER CREEPY.
879
00:35:31,781 --> 00:35:35,045
I REMEMBER HIM
COMING HOME FROM WORK
880
00:35:35,089 --> 00:35:37,309
AND WALKING DOWN
THE LONG HALLWAY
881
00:35:37,352 --> 00:35:39,267
TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT,
882
00:35:39,311 --> 00:35:42,052
AND I WAS JUST SCARED
883
00:35:42,096 --> 00:35:44,533
BECAUSE ALL I COULD HEAR
WAS THE THUMPING,
884
00:35:44,577 --> 00:35:45,882
YOU KNOW,
885
00:35:45,926 --> 00:35:48,407
AND SO I HID
UNDER MY COVERS.
886
00:35:48,450 --> 00:35:50,496
ISN'T THAT SAD
887
00:35:50,539 --> 00:35:52,759
TO BE SO AFRAID
OF YOUR FATHER?
888
00:35:52,802 --> 00:35:56,632
YOU KNOW, I WAS REALLY
SCARED OF THE WIZARD OF OZ.
889
00:35:56,676 --> 00:35:58,330
YOU KNOW,
THAT MARGARET HAMILTON
890
00:35:58,373 --> 00:36:02,203
AS THE WICKED WITCH WAS JUST
SO HAIR-RAISING, YOU KNOW?
891
00:36:02,247 --> 00:36:03,378
AND THAT MUSIC?
YOU KNOW--
892
00:36:03,422 --> 00:36:04,379
♪ DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-NAH-NAH
893
00:36:04,423 --> 00:36:05,380
♪ DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-NAH-NAH
894
00:36:05,424 --> 00:36:08,775
THAT SCARED ME SOMUCH.
895
00:36:08,818 --> 00:36:09,993
I'D GET SO SCARED, I WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT
896
00:36:10,037 --> 00:36:11,995
'CAUSE IT GOT STUCK
IN MY HEAD, YOU KNOW?
897
00:36:12,039 --> 00:36:12,996
YOU KNOW, SO SOMETIMES,
898
00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:14,476
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
TO CALM MYSELF?
899
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,349
I REMEMBER THAT DOROTHY
KILLED THE WITCH
900
00:36:17,392 --> 00:36:18,872
BUT PUTTING WATER
ON HER, RIGHT?
901
00:36:18,915 --> 00:36:20,395
SO, I'D LIE IN BED,
902
00:36:20,439 --> 00:36:22,571
AND I'D WORK UP
THIS BIG WAD OF SPIT,
903
00:36:22,615 --> 00:36:25,487
YOU KNOW, LIKE--
[WORKS UP SPIT]
904
00:36:25,531 --> 00:36:29,099
AND I KNEW IF THE WITCH
CAME TO GET ME,
905
00:36:29,143 --> 00:36:31,145
I'D JUST SPIT ON HER,
906
00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:33,321
YOU KNOW, AND SHE'D MELT.
907
00:36:33,365 --> 00:36:35,932
I JUST TOLD YOU
A REALLY SAD STORY
908
00:36:35,976 --> 00:36:37,195
ABOUT MY FAMILY,
909
00:36:37,238 --> 00:36:39,066
AND THAT'S
ALL YOU CAN SAY?
910
00:36:39,109 --> 00:36:41,199
I'M SORRY.
911
00:36:41,242 --> 00:36:43,462
I'M TRAGICALLY GLIB.
912
00:36:43,505 --> 00:36:45,681
Matt: MEN HAVE THIS
ANTI-INTIMACY FORCE FIELD
913
00:36:45,725 --> 00:36:47,248
AROUND THEM
THAT IS POWERED
914
00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:49,946
BY SARCASM,
HUMOR, AND AVERSION.
915
00:36:49,990 --> 00:36:51,252
WHY IS THAT?
916
00:36:53,298 --> 00:36:56,823
THE FORCE IS STRONG
WITH THIS ONE.
917
00:36:56,866 --> 00:36:59,260
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
A MAN CAN FALL IN LOVE
918
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:01,306
WITH A DIFFERENT GIRL
EVERY DAY.
919
00:37:01,349 --> 00:37:02,524
MAYBE THIS IS
JUST NATURE'S WAY
920
00:37:02,568 --> 00:37:04,265
OF PROTECTING A MAN
FROM HIMSELF.
921
00:37:09,966 --> 00:37:10,924
HOW DO YOU FEEL
922
00:37:10,967 --> 00:37:12,969
ABOUT THE NAME
"FRANCESCA"?
923
00:37:13,013 --> 00:37:14,406
DID YOU KNOW
THAT MUSLIM MEN
924
00:37:14,449 --> 00:37:15,885
SHAVE THEIR PUBIC HAIRS?
925
00:37:15,929 --> 00:37:17,800
I MEAN, NO WONDER
SO MANY OF THEM
926
00:37:17,844 --> 00:37:19,062
BECOME TERRORISTS.
927
00:37:19,106 --> 00:37:20,281
OW!
928
00:37:20,325 --> 00:37:22,327
OW, I CAN'T BREATHE!
929
00:37:22,370 --> 00:37:25,373
OW! OW! I CAN'T SEE!
930
00:37:25,417 --> 00:37:28,028
FASCINATING.
931
00:37:28,071 --> 00:37:29,856
CAN YOU BLAME GUYS
FOR BEING SO HORNY?
932
00:37:29,899 --> 00:37:30,987
I MEAN,
LOOK AT THE DRESS.
933
00:37:31,031 --> 00:37:34,077
IT'S JUST ONE BIG SYMBOL
FOR EASY ACCESS.
934
00:37:34,121 --> 00:37:36,515
♪ AT LEAST NOT YET
935
00:37:36,558 --> 00:37:37,603
♪ BUT TODAY'S THE DAY
936
00:37:37,646 --> 00:37:38,778
HAVE YOU EVER CALCULATED
937
00:37:38,821 --> 00:37:40,388
HOW MANY HOURS
WOMEN HAVE WASTED
938
00:37:40,432 --> 00:37:42,347
DECIDING WHAT KIND
OF SHOES TO WEAR?
939
00:37:42,390 --> 00:37:45,175
♪ MY HEART GOES VA-VOOM
940
00:37:45,219 --> 00:37:47,961
♪ VA-VA-VA VOOM
941
00:37:48,004 --> 00:37:48,962
♪ VA-VA-VA VOOM
942
00:37:49,005 --> 00:37:50,790
FOXY LADY!
943
00:37:50,833 --> 00:37:53,314
TRUST ME, THESE GIRLS
WILLGET DRUNK.
944
00:37:53,358 --> 00:37:54,663
THEY DO IT
EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT,
945
00:37:54,707 --> 00:37:56,099
AND THEY TALK
ABOUT EVERYTHING
946
00:37:56,143 --> 00:37:57,579
ONCE THEY'RE PLASTERED,
947
00:37:57,623 --> 00:38:00,190
SO, AS FRANCESCA,
TRY TO COAX ONE OF THEM
948
00:38:00,234 --> 00:38:02,018
TO REVEAL THAT SHE HAD
SEX ON AN ELEVATOR
949
00:38:02,062 --> 00:38:03,019
IN A BLACKOUT.
950
00:38:03,063 --> 00:38:04,020
[LAUGHTER]
951
00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:05,413
HI.
952
00:38:05,457 --> 00:38:08,329
OK, DID I EVER
TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME
953
00:38:08,373 --> 00:38:10,026
THAT I GOT
A BLOODY NOSE
954
00:38:10,070 --> 00:38:11,811
WHILE GIVING HEAD?
955
00:38:11,854 --> 00:38:13,334
[LAUGHTER]
956
00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:17,077
ONCE, I GOT MY GUM STUCK
IN THE GUY'S PUBES
957
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:18,339
WHILE GIVING A BLOW JOB.
958
00:38:18,383 --> 00:38:19,819
[LAUGHTER]
959
00:38:19,862 --> 00:38:21,908
I'VE GOT YOU ALL BEAT.
960
00:38:21,951 --> 00:38:24,127
ONE TIME WHEN I WAS
JUST ABOUT TO SWALLOW,
961
00:38:24,171 --> 00:38:27,217
DEREK MADE ME LAUGH, AND
IT CAME ALL OUT MY NOSE.
962
00:38:27,261 --> 00:38:28,436
[LAUGHTER]
963
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,787
GIRLS ARE WAY
GROSSER THAN GUYS.
964
00:38:31,831 --> 00:38:34,355
I HAD A FRIEND WHO HAD SEX
IN AN ELEVATOR ONCE.
965
00:38:34,399 --> 00:38:35,791
HAVE ANY OF YOU
EVER TRIED THAT?
966
00:38:35,835 --> 00:38:36,792
NO.NO.
967
00:38:36,836 --> 00:38:38,403
Girl: I HAVEN'T,
968
00:38:38,446 --> 00:38:39,447
BUT I ONCE
HAD A BOYFRIEND
969
00:38:39,491 --> 00:38:41,449
WHO LIKED TO RUB IT
BETWEEN MY TOES
970
00:38:41,493 --> 00:38:42,668
THEN HE BLAMED ME
971
00:38:42,711 --> 00:38:44,626
WHEN HE GOT ATHLETE'S
FOOT ON HIS DOINK.
972
00:38:44,670 --> 00:38:46,324
[LAUGHTER]
973
00:38:53,026 --> 00:38:55,898
FRANCESCA'S NIGHT
WAS A MAJOR BUST.
974
00:38:55,942 --> 00:38:57,117
I STUNK.
975
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,162
YEAH, WELL,
976
00:38:59,206 --> 00:39:01,469
MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO TRY
SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?
977
00:39:01,513 --> 00:39:04,254
INSTEAD OF HOPING
FOR HARD EVIDENCE
978
00:39:04,298 --> 00:39:06,126
IN YOUR ROMANTIC SUSPECT,
979
00:39:06,169 --> 00:39:08,737
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST
GET TO KNOW THESE GIRLS.
980
00:39:08,781 --> 00:39:11,566
YOU MIGHT GET A VIBE
AS TO WHICH ONE SHE IS.
981
00:39:11,610 --> 00:39:13,133
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DO NEED TO DO
982
00:39:13,176 --> 00:39:14,482
SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN AVOIDING.
983
00:39:14,526 --> 00:39:17,267
I NEED TO LOWER MY
ANTI-INTIMACY SHIELD.
984
00:39:17,311 --> 00:39:18,617
IF YOU HAD A CHOICE,
985
00:39:18,660 --> 00:39:21,315
WOULD YOU RATHER BE
WARM OR SMART?
986
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:22,882
HELLO?
987
00:39:22,925 --> 00:39:25,711
SO, WHY IS BIRD DOO PURPLE?
988
00:39:25,754 --> 00:39:28,583
ISN'T AMERICAN CHEESE
APPROPRIATELY NAMED?
989
00:39:28,627 --> 00:39:30,019
YOU KNOW, IT'S FAKE
AND PROCESSED,
990
00:39:30,063 --> 00:39:31,238
JUST LIKE AMERICA.
991
00:39:31,281 --> 00:39:33,196
TELL ME SOMETHING.
992
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,896
WHO'S THE IDIOT
993
00:39:36,939 --> 00:39:39,115
WHO INVENTED THE
BUTTON-DOWN FLY, HUH?
994
00:39:39,159 --> 00:39:40,160
THERE ARE THESE DOGS
995
00:39:40,203 --> 00:39:41,988
THAT CAN SNIFF OUT
MELANOMA IN HUMANS
996
00:39:42,031 --> 00:39:43,685
BEFORE IT'S EVEN DIAGNOSED.
997
00:39:43,729 --> 00:39:44,904
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED
998
00:39:44,947 --> 00:39:46,645
THAT THEY ONLY GIVE
HURRICANES WASP-Y NAMES
999
00:39:46,688 --> 00:39:48,168
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
HURRICANE ANDREW?
1000
00:39:48,211 --> 00:39:49,909
YOU NEVER HEAR
"HURRICANE GUISEPPE"
1001
00:39:49,952 --> 00:39:52,390
OR "HURRICANE MOHAMMED,"
DO YOU?
1002
00:39:52,433 --> 00:39:53,695
WHAT COMPELS OLDER PEOPLE
1003
00:39:53,739 --> 00:39:56,002
TO PULL THEIR PANTS UP
OVER THEIR BELLY BUTTONS?
1004
00:39:56,045 --> 00:39:59,005
WHY IN GOLF IS IT GOOD
TO SHOOT UNDER PAR,
1005
00:39:59,048 --> 00:40:02,008
BUT A SUB-PAR PERFORMANCE
IN ANYTHING ELSE IS BAD?
1006
00:40:02,051 --> 00:40:04,097
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST
PHRASE IN THE WORLD IS?
1007
00:40:04,140 --> 00:40:06,882
"I'M READY FOR ANYTHING."
1008
00:40:06,926 --> 00:40:09,842
OK.
1009
00:40:09,885 --> 00:40:11,974
I CAN'T SPEAK
TO CYNTHIA AS MATT.
1010
00:40:12,018 --> 00:40:13,846
I START SPEAKING GIBBERISH,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
1011
00:40:13,889 --> 00:40:16,283
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
1012
00:40:16,326 --> 00:40:18,894
BUT I HAVE A SILVER TONGUE
WITH HER WHEN I'M FRANCESCA.
1013
00:40:18,938 --> 00:40:20,243
HEY, DON'T KNOCK 'EM.
1014
00:40:20,287 --> 00:40:21,897
THESE THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO
GET RID OF CELLULITE.
1015
00:40:21,941 --> 00:40:24,117
COME ON.
1016
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,032
HEY, CAN I
ASK YOU A QUESTION?
1017
00:40:26,075 --> 00:40:27,033
YEAH.
1018
00:40:27,076 --> 00:40:29,339
HOW OFTEN
DO YOU BIKINI WAX?
1019
00:40:29,383 --> 00:40:31,254
UM, EVERY DAY.
1020
00:40:31,298 --> 00:40:33,126
WHOO! NOW,
THAT WAS A FANATIC.
1021
00:40:33,169 --> 00:40:34,301
HEH HEH!
1022
00:40:34,344 --> 00:40:36,085
HEY! HEY, CYNTHIA!
1023
00:40:36,129 --> 00:40:37,870
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S HIM. OK, LOOK.
1024
00:40:37,913 --> 00:40:39,349
HE CANNOT SEE ME
WITH THESE PANTS
1025
00:40:39,393 --> 00:40:40,525
AND NO MAKEUP. LET'S GO.
1026
00:40:40,568 --> 00:40:42,135
CYNTHIA, WAIT!
WAIT--WAIT A SEC.
1027
00:40:42,178 --> 00:40:43,963
I GOT YOUR TERM PAPER!
1028
00:40:44,006 --> 00:40:45,573
I EVEN GOT ONE
OF THOSE PLASTIC COVERS
1029
00:40:45,617 --> 00:40:46,618
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!
1030
00:40:46,661 --> 00:40:49,011
OK. HOLD ON A SEC.
I'LL COME TO YOU.
1031
00:40:49,055 --> 00:40:50,012
COME ON!
1032
00:40:50,056 --> 00:40:52,058
Sam: I'M COMING, CYNTHIA!
1033
00:40:52,101 --> 00:40:53,189
COME ON.
1034
00:40:53,233 --> 00:40:55,670
CYNTHIA! CYNTHIA!
1035
00:40:55,714 --> 00:40:57,716
SO, WHAT WAS
THE BIG DEAL?
1036
00:40:57,759 --> 00:40:59,500
I'M NOT STUPID.
1037
00:40:59,544 --> 00:41:00,849
I KNOW
I GOT THINGS EASY.
1038
00:41:00,893 --> 00:41:02,547
GUYS'LL PRETTY MUCH
DO ANYTHING FOR ME
1039
00:41:02,590 --> 00:41:04,113
BECAUSE OF
THE WAY I LOOK.
1040
00:41:04,157 --> 00:41:05,419
I KNOW THAT.
1041
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:08,466
AND IF SAM
SAW ME IN THIS,
1042
00:41:08,509 --> 00:41:11,773
I MIGHT LOSE
MY EDGE WITH HIM.
1043
00:41:11,817 --> 00:41:14,167
KIND OF LIKE IF THE GREEN
LANTERN LOST HIS POWER RING.
1044
00:41:14,210 --> 00:41:15,168
WHO?
1045
00:41:15,211 --> 00:41:16,430
NEVER MIND.
1046
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:17,779
YOU'RE LUCKY.
1047
00:41:17,823 --> 00:41:18,780
NO, I'M NOT.
1048
00:41:18,824 --> 00:41:19,955
YEAH. I THINK
IT'D BE GREAT
1049
00:41:19,999 --> 00:41:21,522
IF GUYS ALWAYS WANTED
TO DO THINGS FOR ME.
1050
00:41:21,566 --> 00:41:23,132
NO. IT'S A CURSE.
1051
00:41:23,176 --> 00:41:24,656
BECAUSE, SEE,
1052
00:41:24,699 --> 00:41:26,527
NOTHING'S
A CHALLENGE FOR ME.
1053
00:41:26,571 --> 00:41:28,355
EVERYTHING'S MADE EASY,
1054
00:41:28,398 --> 00:41:29,748
AND IF I EVER ACTUALLY
1055
00:41:29,791 --> 00:41:31,097
DODO SOMETHING
ON MY OWN,
1056
00:41:31,140 --> 00:41:33,055
THAT EVERYONE ASSUMES
THAT, YOU KNOW,
1057
00:41:33,099 --> 00:41:34,796
I GOT THERE BECAUSE
OF THE WAY I LOOK.
1058
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:36,276
IT SUCKS.
1059
00:41:36,319 --> 00:41:38,757
SO, READY TO GO AGAIN?
1060
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,280
YEAH. OK.
1061
00:41:42,935 --> 00:41:44,371
UHH!
1062
00:41:44,414 --> 00:41:45,633
WHOO!
1063
00:41:45,677 --> 00:41:47,766
IT'S JUST EASIER
TO TALK TO CYNTHIA
1064
00:41:47,809 --> 00:41:49,332
AS A GIRL
THAN AS A GUY.
1065
00:41:49,376 --> 00:41:50,595
THERE'S JUST
NOTHING AT STAKE.
1066
00:41:50,638 --> 00:41:51,900
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
1067
00:41:51,944 --> 00:41:52,901
WHEN YOU'RE A GUY
1068
00:41:52,945 --> 00:41:54,468
TALKING TO A GIRL
LIKE CYNTHIA,
1069
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:56,470
YOU'RE GOING FOR
ALL THE MARBLES.
1070
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,994
I MEAN, SHE'S THE
SUPER BOWL OF WOMEN...
1071
00:42:02,128 --> 00:42:05,261
AND YOU KNOW,
IF YOU SCREW UP,
1072
00:42:05,305 --> 00:42:06,306
AND SHE REJECTS YOU,
1073
00:42:06,349 --> 00:42:07,394
THEN EVERY OTHER GIRL
AFTER CYNTHIA
1074
00:42:07,437 --> 00:42:08,526
IS GONNA SEEM
LIKE A COMPROMISE...
1075
00:42:13,487 --> 00:42:15,837
AND YOU JUST KNOW
YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH
1076
00:42:15,881 --> 00:42:17,317
TO GET A GIRL LIKE HER.
1077
00:42:22,235 --> 00:42:25,847
THAT'S WHY I DON'T TALK
TO GIRLS IN HER LEAGUE.
1078
00:42:25,891 --> 00:42:27,632
I JUST DON'T
WANT TO KNOW
1079
00:42:27,675 --> 00:42:28,894
THAT I'VE CRASHED
AND BURNED
1080
00:42:28,937 --> 00:42:30,112
AND WON'T EVER
GET THE OPPORTUNITY
1081
00:42:30,156 --> 00:42:31,287
TO PUT
HER SUPER BOWL RING
1082
00:42:31,331 --> 00:42:32,637
AROUND MY
ELEVENTH FINGER.
1083
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:34,116
[AMUSED LAUGH]
1084
00:42:40,296 --> 00:42:41,559
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
1085
00:42:41,602 --> 00:42:44,126
NOTHING.
1086
00:42:44,170 --> 00:42:46,389
IT'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING.
1087
00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:48,261
WHY ARE YOU
TALKING TO ME?
1088
00:42:48,304 --> 00:42:49,523
I DON'T KNOW.
1089
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:50,785
IT'S JUST
QUIET AROUND HERE.
1090
00:42:50,829 --> 00:42:52,526
I'M MATTHEW.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1091
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,833
GHOST-FACE.
1092
00:42:54,876 --> 00:42:56,965
WHAT?
1093
00:42:57,009 --> 00:42:58,663
YEAH. IT'S WHAT THEY
CALLED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.
1094
00:42:58,706 --> 00:43:00,229
I'M SORRY.
1095
00:43:00,273 --> 00:43:02,057
IT'S OK.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
1096
00:43:02,101 --> 00:43:03,537
IT'S BETTER
THAN BEING CALLED
1097
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,844
"THE POSTER CHILD
FOR ABORTION"
1098
00:43:05,887 --> 00:43:07,759
OR "THE GIRL WITH
THE VERTICAL SMILE."
1099
00:43:07,802 --> 00:43:09,761
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE FRIENDLY.
1100
00:43:09,804 --> 00:43:12,154
OH. WELL.
1101
00:43:12,198 --> 00:43:13,591
Matt: MAYBE SHE COULD TELL
1102
00:43:13,634 --> 00:43:15,941
I STILL THOUGHT
SHE WAS CONTAGIOUS.
1103
00:43:15,984 --> 00:43:18,160
MEN WANT TO BE QUARANTINED
FROM UNATTRACTIVE GIRLS.
1104
00:43:18,204 --> 00:43:21,033
WE PUT SO MUCH EMPHASIS
ON PHYSICAL BEAUTY
1105
00:43:21,076 --> 00:43:22,948
THAT WE'RE AFRAID
TO BE INFECTED
1106
00:43:22,991 --> 00:43:24,776
BY ONE OF THESE GIRL'S
INNER BEAUTY.
1107
00:43:24,819 --> 00:43:27,300
LET'S NOT
HAVE A PITY PARTY.
1108
00:43:27,343 --> 00:43:29,650
NOW, PLEASE,
YOU'RE BLOCKING MY LIGHT.
1109
00:43:35,874 --> 00:43:37,615
THANKS FOR
GETTING US
1110
00:43:37,658 --> 00:43:39,094
THE LIFETIME
CHANNEL, MATTHEW.
1111
00:43:39,138 --> 00:43:40,487
YEAH. THANKS, MATT.
1112
00:43:40,530 --> 00:43:41,531
IT'S NO PROBLEM.
1113
00:43:41,575 --> 00:43:42,489
JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE
I PIRATED IT.
1114
00:43:42,532 --> 00:43:44,491
IT'S A FELONY.
1115
00:43:44,534 --> 00:43:47,276
ANYBODY UP FOR
A GAME OF FOOSBALL?
1116
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:48,626
HOW ABOUT YOU, MATT?
1117
00:43:48,669 --> 00:43:50,149
OR ARE YOU CHICKEN?
1118
00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:51,846
[CLUCKING]
[CLUCKING]
1119
00:43:54,283 --> 00:43:56,372
Matt: OUR GRUDGE MATCH
ESCALATED
1120
00:43:56,416 --> 00:43:57,983
INTO A COLD WAR OF WORDS.
1121
00:43:58,026 --> 00:43:59,027
GIRLS ARE JUST USERS.
1122
00:43:59,071 --> 00:44:00,028
I MEAN, LOOK AT
1123
00:44:00,072 --> 00:44:01,551
THE PRAYING MANTIS,
FOR INSTANCE.
1124
00:44:01,595 --> 00:44:03,118
AFTER THEY'RE FINISHED
DOING THE NASTY,
1125
00:44:03,162 --> 00:44:04,990
THE FEMALE EATS THE HEAD
OF HER MALE MATE.
1126
00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:06,992
I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED
A REMARK LIKE THAT
1127
00:44:07,035 --> 00:44:09,559
FROM SOMEONE WHO THINKS A CAR
IS AN EXTENSION OF HIS PENIS.
1128
00:44:09,603 --> 00:44:10,648
AND A PURSE
IS AN EXTENSION
1129
00:44:10,691 --> 00:44:12,171
OF A WOMAN'S VAGINA.
1130
00:44:12,214 --> 00:44:13,346
SCORE!
1131
00:44:13,389 --> 00:44:15,174
UHH!
1132
00:44:15,217 --> 00:44:18,525
WELL, AT LEAST WE AREN'T
FILTHY PIGS LIKE MEN.
1133
00:44:18,568 --> 00:44:20,396
WE'RE ALWAYS
PICKING UP AFTER YOU.
1134
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,702
WHY ARE YOU GETTING
SO WORKED UP?
1135
00:44:21,746 --> 00:44:23,356
ARE YOU PMSing
AND QUITTING SMOKING
1136
00:44:23,399 --> 00:44:24,618
ALL AT THE SAME TIME?
1137
00:44:24,662 --> 00:44:25,619
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
1138
00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:26,620
A WOMAN CAN NEVER GET MAD
1139
00:44:26,664 --> 00:44:27,708
UNLESS SHE'S
HAVING HER PERIOD.
1140
00:44:27,752 --> 00:44:29,884
GOD, YOU ARE
SO CLOSE-MINDED.
1141
00:44:29,928 --> 00:44:33,105
YEAH, BUT ABOUT ALL
THE RIGHT THINGS.
1142
00:44:33,148 --> 00:44:34,497
GOAL!
1143
00:44:34,541 --> 00:44:37,326
2-ZIP.
TIME TO STRIP.
1144
00:44:37,370 --> 00:44:39,459
♪ WE'RE BETTER OFF
THIS WAY, SHE SAID ♪
1145
00:44:39,502 --> 00:44:41,243
A MARRIAGE IS
SO ONE-SIDED.
1146
00:44:41,287 --> 00:44:42,854
WEDDING GIFTS ARE AN
ILLUSTRATION OF THAT.
1147
00:44:42,897 --> 00:44:44,594
WHAT DO ALL
THE NEWLYWEDS GET?
1148
00:44:44,638 --> 00:44:45,987
KITCHEN STUFF.
THAT'S JUST GIRLIE CRAP.
1149
00:44:46,031 --> 00:44:47,641
SMALL TRADE-OFF FOR HAVING
TO COOK ALL THE MEALS
1150
00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:48,947
FOR SOME LAZY-ASS MAN.
1151
00:44:48,990 --> 00:44:51,863
LAZY? THEN,
ANSWER ME THIS, OK?
1152
00:44:51,906 --> 00:44:53,212
WHEN YOU'RE WALKING
WITH A GIRL,
1153
00:44:53,255 --> 00:44:54,213
WHY DOES THE GUY
1154
00:44:54,256 --> 00:44:55,867
ALWAYS HAVE TO
SLOW DOWN FOR HER
1155
00:44:55,910 --> 00:44:57,085
INSTEAD OF THE GIRL
SPEEDING UP FOR HIM?
1156
00:44:57,129 --> 00:44:58,913
I MEAN, WHO SAID GOING
SLOWER IS BETTER?
1157
00:44:58,957 --> 00:45:01,089
IT'S NOT.
GOING FASTER IS BETTER
1158
00:45:01,133 --> 00:45:02,134
AND MORE EXERCISE.
1159
00:45:02,177 --> 00:45:03,222
HOW ABOUT THAT?
1160
00:45:03,265 --> 00:45:04,223
GOAL.
1161
00:45:04,266 --> 00:45:06,051
UHH!
1162
00:45:06,094 --> 00:45:09,619
WELL, AT LEAST
WE DON'T START WARS.
1163
00:45:09,663 --> 00:45:11,839
MAYBE IF WE GOT LAID
A LITTLE BIT MORE OFTEN,
1164
00:45:11,883 --> 00:45:13,058
WE WOULDN'T BE
SO DAMN FEISTY.
1165
00:45:13,101 --> 00:45:14,973
MAYBE YOU'D GET
LAID MORE OFTEN
1166
00:45:15,016 --> 00:45:16,626
IF YOU KNEW WHAT
YOU WERE DOING IN BED.
1167
00:45:16,670 --> 00:45:17,758
YOU'VE GOT IT EASY.
1168
00:45:17,802 --> 00:45:19,499
I MEAN, YOU TOUCH
A GUY ANYWHERE,
1169
00:45:19,542 --> 00:45:20,543
AND IT FEELS GOOD,
1170
00:45:20,587 --> 00:45:21,719
BUT WITH A WOMAN,
1171
00:45:21,762 --> 00:45:23,546
IT'S LIKE FINDING
A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK,
1172
00:45:23,590 --> 00:45:24,722
AND WHILE WE'RE
ON THE SUBJECT,
1173
00:45:24,765 --> 00:45:26,288
YOU GIRLS THINK
IT'S SO GROSS
1174
00:45:26,332 --> 00:45:27,681
TO GO DOWN ON A GUY,
AND WHEN YOU DO IT,
1175
00:45:27,725 --> 00:45:29,378
IT'S LIKE
A REALLY BIG DEAL,
1176
00:45:29,422 --> 00:45:31,076
BUT GUYS ARE WILLING TO
GO DIVING FOR OYSTERS
1177
00:45:31,119 --> 00:45:32,773
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.
1178
00:45:32,817 --> 00:45:34,470
WE'RE MORE WILLING
TO GIVE PLEASURE.
1179
00:45:34,514 --> 00:45:35,950
WE'RE LESS SELFISH.
1180
00:45:35,994 --> 00:45:37,691
Matt: AT THIS REMARK,
1181
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:39,562
I THOUGHT ARLENE WOULD
SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
1182
00:45:39,606 --> 00:45:41,651
YOU ARE SO SEXIST.
1183
00:45:41,695 --> 00:45:44,263
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM, AND SO ARE YOU.
1184
00:45:44,306 --> 00:45:45,264
I AM NOT!
1185
00:45:45,307 --> 00:45:46,526
OH, YOU SOUND LIKE
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
1186
00:45:46,569 --> 00:45:47,527
SAYING THAT ONLY
THE WHITE MAN
1187
00:45:47,570 --> 00:45:48,615
IS CAPABLE OF
BEING A RACIST,
1188
00:45:48,658 --> 00:45:49,616
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
1189
00:45:49,659 --> 00:45:50,878
WE ALL HAVE PREJUDICES--
1190
00:45:50,922 --> 00:45:53,794
BLACK, WHITE,
MALE, FEMALE.
1191
00:45:56,536 --> 00:45:57,624
GOAL.
1192
00:45:57,667 --> 00:45:59,887
YOU CHEATED!
1193
00:45:59,931 --> 00:46:02,063
UHH! YOU CHEATED!
1194
00:46:02,107 --> 00:46:03,238
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
1195
00:46:03,282 --> 00:46:04,674
I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING!
MY GOD, YOU CHEATED!
1196
00:46:04,718 --> 00:46:06,546
I DID NOT CHEAT!
1197
00:46:06,589 --> 00:46:08,722
Matt: THIS WAS BAD.
THIS WASN'T MY GLORIOUS
1198
00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:10,550
LADIES OF WRESTLING FANTASY.
1199
00:46:10,593 --> 00:46:12,117
YOU CHEATED!
ADMIT IT!
1200
00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:14,597
WE DIDN'T LAY DOWN
ANY RULES!
1201
00:46:14,641 --> 00:46:16,425
Matt: MAYBE THAT
WAS THE PROBLEM.
1202
00:46:18,253 --> 00:46:19,777
THERE WERE NO RULES
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN...
1203
00:46:22,127 --> 00:46:25,391
AND THIS LACK OF RULES
MADE GIRLS...
1204
00:46:25,434 --> 00:46:26,653
CHEATER.
1205
00:46:26,696 --> 00:46:27,828
AND ESPECIALLY US GUYS,
1206
00:46:27,872 --> 00:46:30,352
LIKE THESE FOOSBALL PLAYERS,
1207
00:46:30,396 --> 00:46:32,877
WE HAD GIANT STEEL STAKES
THROUGH OUR HEARTS,
1208
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:34,748
AND WE'RE SPINNING
OUT OF CONTROL.
1209
00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:36,837
I WAS JUST AS BAD AS ROD,
1210
00:46:36,881 --> 00:46:38,491
BUT I FINALLY
HAD SOMETHING TO SAY
1211
00:46:38,534 --> 00:46:39,492
WHEN I WAS CALLED ON
1212
00:46:39,535 --> 00:46:42,321
IN MY WOMEN'S STUDIES CLASS.
1213
00:46:42,364 --> 00:46:44,453
THERE'S NO CLEARLY DEFINED
RULES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN,
1214
00:46:44,497 --> 00:46:46,499
SO EACH SIDE THINKS
THEY'RE PLAYING FAIR,
1215
00:46:46,542 --> 00:46:48,544
AND EACH SIDE THINKS
THEY'RE BEING CHEATED.
1216
00:46:48,588 --> 00:46:50,764
MAYBE THIS IS WHY
MEN AND WOMEN
1217
00:46:50,808 --> 00:46:51,983
HAVE THE INNATE ABILITY
1218
00:46:52,026 --> 00:46:53,811
TO BRING OUT THE POISON
IN ONE ANOTHER.
1219
00:46:53,854 --> 00:46:55,290
RUBBISH!
1220
00:46:55,334 --> 00:46:57,423
WE ALL KNOW
THERE ARE RULES,
1221
00:46:57,466 --> 00:46:59,817
RULES THAT ARE
ENFORCED AND IMPOSED
1222
00:46:59,860 --> 00:47:01,775
BY THE CONTEMPORARY
REPRESSIVE PATRIARCHY
1223
00:47:01,819 --> 00:47:03,733
OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
1224
00:47:03,777 --> 00:47:05,474
[WHIP CRACKS]
1225
00:47:05,518 --> 00:47:07,302
[MARCHING]
1226
00:47:07,346 --> 00:47:09,739
Matt: SATURDAY,
AFTER MIDTERMS,
1227
00:47:09,783 --> 00:47:12,133
SEEMED LIKE AN ORDINARY
SATURDAY NIGHT.
1228
00:47:12,177 --> 00:47:16,311
I CHECKED ON THE GIRL WHO
NEVER CAME OUT OF HER ROOM.
1229
00:47:16,355 --> 00:47:19,575
THEN I NOTICED THAT DORA
WASN'T IN HER USUAL SPOT.
1230
00:47:19,619 --> 00:47:21,534
DORA!
1231
00:47:21,577 --> 00:47:24,058
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
1232
00:47:24,102 --> 00:47:26,017
DORA?
1233
00:47:45,123 --> 00:47:47,299
WOW.
1234
00:47:47,342 --> 00:47:50,215
HAVE YOU GIRLS SEEN DORA?
1235
00:47:50,258 --> 00:47:51,694
NO?
1236
00:47:53,044 --> 00:47:55,655
HAVE YOU GUYS
SEEN DORA?
1237
00:47:55,698 --> 00:47:57,918
SHE'S UP THERE.
1238
00:48:01,182 --> 00:48:02,836
WHY AREN'T YOU
DOING ANYTHING?
1239
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,707
SHE DOES THIS
EVERY SEMESTER.
1240
00:48:04,751 --> 00:48:07,101
Matt: I MADE A SILENT VOW
THAT I WOULD BREAK THE VCR
1241
00:48:07,145 --> 00:48:08,494
SO THOSE GIRLS
COULDN'T WATCH
1242
00:48:08,537 --> 00:48:09,669
ANY MORE JANE AUSTEN MOVIES.
1243
00:48:09,712 --> 00:48:11,062
LET'S PLAY WHIST.
1244
00:48:11,105 --> 00:48:12,150
OH, YES!
1245
00:48:18,678 --> 00:48:20,810
Cynthia: I'M UP HERE, GUYS.
1246
00:48:20,854 --> 00:48:23,248
YOU'RE DOING
A REALLY GREAT JOB.
1247
00:48:23,291 --> 00:48:26,294
IT'S JUST, LIKE,
ONE MORE FLIGHT.
1248
00:48:32,822 --> 00:48:34,041
[CRASH]
Cynthia: UHH!
1249
00:48:41,744 --> 00:48:43,746
DON'T DO IT!
1250
00:48:45,661 --> 00:48:47,620
YOU KNOW, THE FIRST
TIME I DID THIS,
1251
00:48:47,663 --> 00:48:48,882
NOBODY NOTICED.
1252
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:50,840
NOW, NOBODY CARES.
1253
00:48:50,884 --> 00:48:52,059
I CARE.
1254
00:48:52,103 --> 00:48:53,756
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
1255
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:54,975
'CAUSE I WAS BORN
1256
00:48:55,019 --> 00:48:56,716
WITH THE GREATEST
CURSE OF ALL.
1257
00:48:56,759 --> 00:48:58,370
WHAT'S THAT?
1258
00:48:58,413 --> 00:49:02,200
I'M UGLY, AND
I'M ALSO VERY SMART.
1259
00:49:02,243 --> 00:49:03,462
YOU'RE NOT UGLY.
1260
00:49:03,505 --> 00:49:06,769
I KNOW WHAT'S
IN STORE FOR ME.
1261
00:49:06,813 --> 00:49:09,947
NO ONE WILL EVER
HAVE PASSION FOR ME.
1262
00:49:09,990 --> 00:49:12,732
PEOPLE ALL AROUND ME
WILL BE FALLING IN LOVE
1263
00:49:12,775 --> 00:49:14,864
AND MAKING LOVE
1264
00:49:14,908 --> 00:49:16,692
AND GETTING MARRIED
1265
00:49:16,736 --> 00:49:18,346
AND HAVING KIDS.
1266
00:49:18,390 --> 00:49:20,479
THE CLOSEST THING
I'LL EVER HAVE TO THAT
1267
00:49:20,522 --> 00:49:21,871
IS SOMEONE INVITING ME
1268
00:49:21,915 --> 00:49:23,003
TO THEIR
CHRISTMAS DINNER
1269
00:49:23,047 --> 00:49:24,657
BECAUSE THEY FEEL GUILTY
1270
00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:27,138
I MIGHT BE SPENDING
THE HOLIDAY ALONE.
1271
00:49:27,181 --> 00:49:28,791
OR, IF I'M LUCKY,
1272
00:49:28,835 --> 00:49:30,358
MY MALE COUNTERPART,
1273
00:49:30,402 --> 00:49:33,492
AN OBESE MAN OR
GUY WITH A HARELIP,
1274
00:49:33,535 --> 00:49:36,016
WILL INVITE ME
TO COFFEE,
1275
00:49:36,060 --> 00:49:38,149
AND WE'LL PRETEND
TO LOVE EACH OTHER
1276
00:49:38,192 --> 00:49:39,759
AND TIE THE KNOT
1277
00:49:39,802 --> 00:49:42,153
BECAUSE WE'RE
SO DESPERATELY AFRAID
1278
00:49:42,196 --> 00:49:45,504
OF GROWING OLD ALONE.
1279
00:49:45,547 --> 00:49:46,592
Matt: I HAD A BAD FEELING
1280
00:49:46,635 --> 00:49:48,333
THIS GIRL MIGHT JUMP
THIS TIME.
1281
00:49:48,376 --> 00:49:50,988
I FELT TERRIBLE THAT
I HAD TREATED HER
1282
00:49:51,031 --> 00:49:52,946
LIKE SHE HAD
THE EBOLA VIRUS.
1283
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,208
THERE WAS SOMETHING
INSIDE THIS GIRL
1284
00:49:54,252 --> 00:49:56,732
I WANTED TO EXPOSE
MYSELF TO.
1285
00:49:56,776 --> 00:49:58,734
SHE WAS SO SELF-AWARE,
1286
00:49:58,778 --> 00:50:00,127
SO SENSITIVE.
1287
00:50:00,171 --> 00:50:03,087
MAYBE SHE NOTICED
A CHANGE IN ME.
1288
00:50:03,130 --> 00:50:05,176
COME ON. LET'S GO
BACK INSIDE.
1289
00:50:05,219 --> 00:50:08,962
ONLY IF YOU ADMIT
THAT I'M RIGHT.
1290
00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:12,096
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
1291
00:50:12,139 --> 00:50:15,838
YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO WORRY.
1292
00:50:15,882 --> 00:50:18,189
I JUST LIKE TO COME
UP HERE SOMETIMES
1293
00:50:18,232 --> 00:50:20,017
AND SEE WHAT
IT MIGHT BE LIKE.
1294
00:50:24,760 --> 00:50:26,849
Matt: I FOUND OUT
WHAT DORA WAS READING
1295
00:50:26,893 --> 00:50:28,329
ALL THOSE SATURDAY NIGHTS--
1296
00:50:28,373 --> 00:50:31,593
D.H. LAWRENCE, COLETTE,
AND HENRY MILLER.
1297
00:50:31,637 --> 00:50:35,815
"YOUR SYLVESTER, YES,
HE KNOWS HOW TO BUILD A FIRE,
1298
00:50:35,858 --> 00:50:38,818
"BUT I KNOW HOW
TO INFLAME YOUR CUNT.
1299
00:50:38,861 --> 00:50:42,430
"I SHOOT HOT BOLTS
INTO YOU, TANYA.
1300
00:50:42,474 --> 00:50:46,826
I MAKE YOUR OVARIES
INCANDESCENT."
1301
00:50:46,869 --> 00:50:48,958
WOW. CAN YOU IMAGINE
1302
00:50:49,002 --> 00:50:51,222
SOMEONE BEING
THAT PASSIONATE FOR YOU?
1303
00:50:51,265 --> 00:50:53,224
NO.
1304
00:50:53,267 --> 00:50:54,312
YOUR TURN.
1305
00:50:56,966 --> 00:51:00,448
"YOUR SYLVESTER IS
A LITTLE JEALOUS NOW.
1306
00:51:00,492 --> 00:51:02,537
"HE FEELS SOMETHING,
DOESN'T HE?
1307
00:51:02,581 --> 00:51:05,236
"HE FEELS THE REMNANTS
OF MY BIG PRICK.
1308
00:51:05,279 --> 00:51:07,499
"I HAVE SET THE SHORES
A LITTLE WIDER,
1309
00:51:07,542 --> 00:51:10,023
"I HAVE IRONED OUT
THE WRINKLES.
1310
00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:12,243
"AFTER ME, YOU CAN
TAKE ON STALLIONS,
1311
00:51:12,286 --> 00:51:15,289
BULLS, RAMS, DRAKES,
ST. BERNARDS."
1312
00:51:16,986 --> 00:51:19,815
BEING FRANCESCA HAS
IT'S DISADVANTAGES.
1313
00:51:19,859 --> 00:51:21,817
WHAT HAPPENED?
1314
00:51:21,861 --> 00:51:24,951
LAST NIGHT, MY ROOMMATE
ROD CAME TO FIND ME.
1315
00:51:24,994 --> 00:51:27,127
HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME
AS FRANCESCA.
1316
00:51:27,171 --> 00:51:28,302
Wendy: OH, GOD.
1317
00:51:35,527 --> 00:51:37,790
JESUS CHRIST.
1318
00:51:37,833 --> 00:51:40,662
Matt: SO HE STARTS
LOOKING UP MY DRESS.
1319
00:51:40,706 --> 00:51:42,838
I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT HE'S DOING,
1320
00:51:42,882 --> 00:51:43,839
BECAUSE I DO IT
1321
00:51:43,883 --> 00:51:45,450
EVERY OPPORTUNITY
I GET, TOO.
1322
00:51:45,493 --> 00:51:46,712
OH, NO.
1323
00:51:46,755 --> 00:51:49,018
WHENEVER MEN
LOOK AT A GIRL,
1324
00:51:49,062 --> 00:51:50,672
THEY IMAGINE HER NAKED.
1325
00:51:50,716 --> 00:51:53,197
[WOLF WHISTLE]
1326
00:51:53,240 --> 00:51:53,980
Matt: SO, THAT'S
WHAT HE'S DOING
1327
00:51:54,023 --> 00:51:55,851
TO ME RIGHT THERE.
1328
00:51:55,895 --> 00:52:00,160
I FELT...VIOLATED.
1329
00:52:00,204 --> 00:52:01,422
I KNOW THE FEELING.
1330
00:52:01,466 --> 00:52:03,207
YEAH. YOU KNOW, IT'S
NO WONDER THAT WOMEN
1331
00:52:03,250 --> 00:52:04,556
HAVE TO BE THE
GATEKEEPERS OF SEX
1332
00:52:04,599 --> 00:52:05,905
WITH THE WAY MEN ARE.
1333
00:52:05,948 --> 00:52:07,472
I MEAN, WOMEN COULD
INITIATE THE COMMINGLING
1334
00:52:07,515 --> 00:52:08,908
OF MALE AND FEMALE
BODILY FLUIDS
1335
00:52:08,951 --> 00:52:10,605
WHENEVER THEY WANT.
1336
00:52:10,649 --> 00:52:13,217
GUYS ARE JUST
SIMPLY ALWAYS
1337
00:52:13,260 --> 00:52:15,175
WILLING TO VOLUNTEER
FOR SEX.
1338
00:52:15,219 --> 00:52:16,350
THEIR ATTITUDE
TOWARDS IT
1339
00:52:16,394 --> 00:52:18,309
IS LIKE PUTTING JAM
INTO A JELLY DOUGHNUT.
1340
00:52:18,352 --> 00:52:21,094
I TESTED THE CONCEPT
WITH ROD.
1341
00:52:24,228 --> 00:52:26,578
[MOUTHING WORDS]
1342
00:52:39,678 --> 00:52:42,507
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO ABOUT IT?
1343
00:52:42,550 --> 00:52:45,292
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
1344
00:52:45,336 --> 00:52:48,208
[LAUGHS] YOU JUST SAID,
"I LOVE YOU."
1345
00:52:49,340 --> 00:52:51,690
NO. YOU GOT ME WRONG.
1346
00:52:51,733 --> 00:52:54,301
I SAID, "OLIVE SOUP."
1347
00:52:54,345 --> 00:52:55,911
WHAT?
1348
00:52:55,955 --> 00:52:59,088
OLIVE SOUP.
1349
00:53:01,265 --> 00:53:03,745
[EXHALES]
1350
00:53:03,789 --> 00:53:06,966
SO, HE WAS ALL READY
TO DO IT WITH YOU?
1351
00:53:07,009 --> 00:53:08,576
YEAH. THAT JUST PROVES
1352
00:53:08,620 --> 00:53:10,143
THAT MEN ARE TOTALLY
IRRESPONSIBLE
1353
00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:11,840
WHEN IT COMES TO
GENITAL GYMNASTICS.
1354
00:53:14,147 --> 00:53:16,889
I HAVE THIS THEORY...
1355
00:53:16,932 --> 00:53:19,065
THAT HAS TO DO
WITH SHOPPING.
1356
00:53:19,108 --> 00:53:20,240
SHOPPING?
1357
00:53:20,284 --> 00:53:21,546
WELL, SURE, RIGHT?
1358
00:53:21,589 --> 00:53:22,938
I MEAN, WOMEN HAVE
MORE PRACTICE AT IT.
1359
00:53:22,982 --> 00:53:24,505
THEY CAN GO INTO A STORE
1360
00:53:24,549 --> 00:53:26,246
AND CIRCLE SOMETHING
AND CIRCLE SOMETHING,
1361
00:53:26,290 --> 00:53:27,421
AND THEY WON'T
EVEN BUY IT.
1362
00:53:27,465 --> 00:53:29,249
RIGHT? THEY'RE LEARNING
SELF-RESTRAINT.
1363
00:53:29,293 --> 00:53:30,424
MEN, ON THE OTHER HAND,
1364
00:53:30,468 --> 00:53:31,730
WE ONLY GO SHOPPING
1365
00:53:31,773 --> 00:53:33,384
WHEN WE KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE GONNA GET.
1366
00:53:33,427 --> 00:53:35,690
MEN AND WOMEN TREAT SEX
THE EXACT SAME WAY.
1367
00:53:35,734 --> 00:53:38,040
THERE'S SOME VALIDITY
TO YOUR THEORY.
1368
00:53:38,084 --> 00:53:39,607
YEAH. IT'S NOT ONLY SEX.
1369
00:53:39,651 --> 00:53:40,913
I MEAN, WOMEN
ARE MORE RESPONSIBLE
1370
00:53:40,956 --> 00:53:43,263
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
1371
00:53:43,307 --> 00:53:44,569
THE FACT
OF THE MATTER IS
1372
00:53:44,612 --> 00:53:46,484
IS THAT WOMEN
REALLY RULE THE WORLD.
1373
00:53:46,527 --> 00:53:47,615
THANK YOU.
1374
00:53:47,659 --> 00:53:49,835
YEAH. THE IRONY OF
THE SITUATION, THOUGH,
1375
00:53:49,878 --> 00:53:50,923
IS THAT WOMEN
ARE NOT PUT
1376
00:53:50,966 --> 00:53:52,968
INTO RECOGNIZABLE
POSITIONS TO DO SO.
1377
00:53:53,012 --> 00:53:54,056
I MEAN, THEY HAVE TO
CARRY OUT THEIR WORK
1378
00:53:54,100 --> 00:53:55,536
LIKE THE
FRENCH UNDERGROUND.
1379
00:53:55,580 --> 00:53:56,711
MEN ARE JUST AFRAID
1380
00:53:56,755 --> 00:53:58,147
OF PUTTING WOMEN
INTO THE WORKPLACE
1381
00:53:58,191 --> 00:53:59,932
BECAUSE THEY UNDERSTAND
THAT EVENTUALLY,
1382
00:53:59,975 --> 00:54:02,282
WOMEN WILL RISE TO THEIR
PROPER LEVELS ON TOP.
1383
00:54:02,326 --> 00:54:04,328
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
1384
00:54:04,371 --> 00:54:06,982
I GOT A DOUBLE COOKIE
FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
1385
00:54:07,026 --> 00:54:08,941
THANK YOU.
1386
00:54:10,377 --> 00:54:11,335
MMM...
1387
00:54:11,378 --> 00:54:12,466
MM-MMM...
1388
00:54:12,510 --> 00:54:16,470
MMM MM-MM-MMM.
1389
00:54:16,514 --> 00:54:19,691
CARE TO COME IN AND SHARE
A BOWL OF CAPTAIN CRUNCH?
1390
00:54:19,734 --> 00:54:21,083
Matt:
PATTY HAD A WAY
1391
00:54:21,127 --> 00:54:24,826
OF EVEN MAKING THE WORD
"CAPTAIN CRUNCH" SOUND SEXY.
1392
00:54:24,870 --> 00:54:27,307
NAH. I--
I HAVE WORK TO DO.
1393
00:54:27,351 --> 00:54:28,656
LOOK...
1394
00:54:28,700 --> 00:54:30,179
DON'T BE AFRAID.
1395
00:54:30,223 --> 00:54:32,312
I KNOW YOU LIKE
SOME OTHER GIRL THAN ME.
1396
00:54:32,356 --> 00:54:34,183
HERE, HAVE SOME.
1397
00:54:34,227 --> 00:54:36,708
IT'S THE ORIGINAL.
1398
00:54:38,797 --> 00:54:40,712
THERE'S SOME SYRUP TO
PUT ON IT, IF YOU WANT.
1399
00:54:40,755 --> 00:54:43,149
THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT.
1400
00:54:43,192 --> 00:54:45,412
HOW DO YOU KNOW
I LIKE SOME OTHER GIRL?
1401
00:54:45,456 --> 00:54:48,502
BY THE WAY THAT
YOU LOOK AT ME.
1402
00:54:48,546 --> 00:54:50,069
AND HOW IS THAT?
1403
00:54:51,766 --> 00:54:53,202
THERE'S A CERTAIN WAY
1404
00:54:53,246 --> 00:54:56,554
A MAN STARES
AT THE WOMAN HE LOVES.
1405
00:54:56,597 --> 00:55:00,384
THE MAN LOOKS LIKE A BOY
ON HIS BIRTHDAY
1406
00:55:00,427 --> 00:55:03,561
AND HE TREATS THE WOMAN
AS IF SHE WERE A GIFT
1407
00:55:03,604 --> 00:55:06,172
THAT HE'S WAITED
SO LONG TO OPEN
1408
00:55:06,215 --> 00:55:07,782
AND NOW HE CAN'T WAIT
1409
00:55:07,826 --> 00:55:09,697
TO SEE WHAT THE TREASURE
IS INSIDE.
1410
00:55:12,613 --> 00:55:14,702
YOU DON'T GIVE ME
THAT LOOK.
1411
00:55:16,182 --> 00:55:18,227
Matt, narrating:
YOU KNOW HOW CAPTAIN HOOK
1412
00:55:18,271 --> 00:55:20,360
COULD ALWAYS HEAR
HIS NEMESIS THE CROCODILE
1413
00:55:20,404 --> 00:55:23,363
FROM THE TICK-TOCK OF
HIS CLOCK IN THE CROCK'S BELLY?
1414
00:55:23,407 --> 00:55:25,365
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS
FOR ME WITH CRICK
1415
00:55:25,409 --> 00:55:27,759
AND HIS NICOTINE-GUM CHEWING.
1416
00:55:30,109 --> 00:55:33,939
I KNEW I WOULD
FIND YOU TWO TOGETHER.
1417
00:55:33,982 --> 00:55:36,768
HE WAS ALL HOPPED-UP
ON NICOTINE GUM.
1418
00:55:36,811 --> 00:55:38,857
I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO
GET PATTY OUT OF THERE.
1419
00:55:38,900 --> 00:55:40,728
I DECIDED
THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT
1420
00:55:40,772 --> 00:55:43,296
WAS TO FOCUS HIS TESTOSTERONE-
ENHANCED WRATH ON ME.
1421
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:44,602
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
CRICK?
1422
00:55:44,645 --> 00:55:46,255
I WAS WONDERING...
1423
00:55:46,299 --> 00:55:47,605
DO THE BAD GUYS OF THE WORLD
1424
00:55:47,648 --> 00:55:48,867
REALLY KNOW
THEY'RE BEING BAD,
1425
00:55:48,910 --> 00:55:50,085
OR DO THE BAD GUYS
1426
00:55:50,129 --> 00:55:51,478
ACTUALLY JUST THINK
THEY'RE BEING GOOD GUYS
1427
00:55:51,522 --> 00:55:53,219
WHEN, IN FACT, THEY'RE JUST
ACTING LIKE SPHINCTERS?
1428
00:55:53,262 --> 00:55:55,613
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU TELL ME, SMART GUY.
1429
00:55:55,656 --> 00:55:57,484
SO YOU REALLY THINK
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY?
1430
00:55:57,528 --> 00:55:59,094
YEAH. I KNOW I AM.
1431
00:55:59,138 --> 00:56:01,227
SEE, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S
TRYING TO STEAL MY CHICK.
1432
00:56:01,270 --> 00:56:02,837
I'M THE COOL ONE.
1433
00:56:02,881 --> 00:56:04,230
COOL?
1434
00:56:04,273 --> 00:56:05,971
OH, THAT'S ANOTHER THING
THAT JUST BOTHERS ME.
1435
00:56:06,014 --> 00:56:07,102
I WAS JUST READING THAT ONE
IN 6 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
1436
00:56:07,146 --> 00:56:08,452
THINK THEY'RE COOL.
1437
00:56:08,495 --> 00:56:10,758
WHAT IS THAT, LIKE,
A BILLION PEOPLE ARE COOL?
1438
00:56:10,802 --> 00:56:12,804
THAT JUST CAN'T
POSSIBLY BE RIGHT.
1439
00:56:12,847 --> 00:56:16,155
IF EVERYBODY IS COOL,
THEN, REALLY, NOBODY IS COOL.
1440
00:56:16,198 --> 00:56:18,375
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKIN' ABOUT, GUY.
1441
00:56:18,418 --> 00:56:20,725
[CHUCKLES]
LOOK AT YOU.
1442
00:56:20,768 --> 00:56:22,291
I MEAN,
THE MODERN-DAY MEDIA--
1443
00:56:22,335 --> 00:56:23,423
THE MAGAZINES, THE TV--
1444
00:56:23,467 --> 00:56:25,469
THEY SHOW US
WHAT COOLNESS IS
1445
00:56:25,512 --> 00:56:26,992
SO THAT YOU
PONYTAIL PRETENDERS
1446
00:56:27,035 --> 00:56:29,647
CAN GO OUT THERE AND
BUY COOLNESS, THUS...
1447
00:56:29,690 --> 00:56:31,953
FOOLING THE WEAK-MINDED
AND UNSUSPECTING.
1448
00:56:31,997 --> 00:56:32,954
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF YOU, BUDDY.
1449
00:56:32,998 --> 00:56:35,261
HA HA HA HA!
1450
00:56:40,092 --> 00:56:41,223
GET OFF ME!
1451
00:56:41,267 --> 00:56:43,269
WE'D NEVER WIN
THIS FIGHT WITH CRICK.
1452
00:56:43,312 --> 00:56:46,403
I ONLY HAD ONE,
DESPERATE CHANCE.
1453
00:56:46,446 --> 00:56:47,665
[STAPLING]
1454
00:56:47,708 --> 00:56:48,883
OH! BASTARD!
1455
00:56:48,927 --> 00:56:50,145
OH!
1456
00:56:50,189 --> 00:56:51,146
OK! LET'S GO!
1457
00:56:51,190 --> 00:56:51,930
GET THE HELL OFF ME.
1458
00:56:51,973 --> 00:56:52,887
GOD DAMN!
1459
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:55,194
AH!
1460
00:56:56,369 --> 00:56:57,979
BASTARDS!
1461
00:56:58,023 --> 00:56:59,111
WHAT THE--UNH!
1462
00:56:59,154 --> 00:57:01,330
PUNK--UHH!
1463
00:57:01,374 --> 00:57:02,723
UHH!
1464
00:57:05,552 --> 00:57:07,336
OK, I THINK
WE DITCHED HIM.
1465
00:57:09,556 --> 00:57:10,557
OH...
1466
00:57:10,601 --> 00:57:12,254
[SOBBING]
1467
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:17,912
PATTY!
1468
00:57:20,045 --> 00:57:22,221
PATTY!
1469
00:57:22,264 --> 00:57:24,876
PATTY!
1470
00:57:24,919 --> 00:57:26,268
PATTY!
1471
00:57:28,749 --> 00:57:30,229
PATTY!
1472
00:57:30,272 --> 00:57:32,187
[WHAM]
1473
00:57:32,231 --> 00:57:33,928
[WHAM]
1474
00:57:33,972 --> 00:57:35,190
[WHAM]
1475
00:57:35,234 --> 00:57:36,278
WHAT WAS THAT?
1476
00:57:36,322 --> 00:57:38,324
MY BEN WA BALLS.
1477
00:57:38,367 --> 00:57:40,544
YOU HAD THEM
IN THERE
1478
00:57:40,587 --> 00:57:42,067
WHEN YOU WERE
EATING YOUR CEREAL?
1479
00:57:42,110 --> 00:57:43,634
YEAH. IT'S INCREDIBLE.
1480
00:57:43,677 --> 00:57:44,635
[CHUCKLES]
1481
00:57:44,678 --> 00:57:45,723
[WHAM]
1482
00:57:46,811 --> 00:57:47,725
[WHAM]
1483
00:57:49,117 --> 00:57:50,641
[WHAM]
1484
00:57:52,207 --> 00:57:53,295
[WHAM]
1485
00:58:00,389 --> 00:58:01,521
THERE YOU ARE!
1486
00:58:03,871 --> 00:58:06,439
Matt, narrating:
I WAS A DEAD MAN,
1487
00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:08,441
BUT THEN FATE INTERVENED.
1488
00:58:16,014 --> 00:58:16,754
HUH?
1489
00:58:20,235 --> 00:58:21,193
HUNH!
1490
00:58:21,236 --> 00:58:22,586
OH!
1491
00:58:22,629 --> 00:58:23,587
AH...OH...
1492
00:58:23,630 --> 00:58:25,676
AH...
1493
00:58:25,719 --> 00:58:27,025
WHUHH!
1494
00:58:36,643 --> 00:58:38,819
AFTER CRICK
HOBBLED AWAY IN PAIN,
1495
00:58:38,863 --> 00:58:40,778
WE WERE STILL DRUNK
WITH LAUGHTER
1496
00:58:40,821 --> 00:58:42,127
AND FAT WITH GLEE.
1497
00:58:42,170 --> 00:58:43,432
I GUESS THAT'S
WHAT MADE ME DO IT.
1498
00:58:43,476 --> 00:58:46,174
PATTY CAME ONTO ME AGAIN,
1499
00:58:46,218 --> 00:58:47,741
AND I SUCCUMBED.
1500
00:58:50,614 --> 00:58:52,267
I TRIED TO RATIONALIZE IT.
1501
00:58:52,311 --> 00:58:54,487
I THOUGHT MAYBE I
COULD LEARN FROM HER,
1502
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:56,576
MAYBE THIS WAS WHY GOD
MADE WOMEN LIKE THIS
1503
00:58:56,620 --> 00:58:59,100
SO THAT SEXUALLY IMPAIRED
IDIOTS LIKE ME
1504
00:58:59,144 --> 00:59:01,146
COULD HAVE SOMETHING
TO PRACTICE ON.
1505
00:59:01,189 --> 00:59:03,104
AT THIS MOMENT,
SHE WASN'T A SLUT.
1506
00:59:04,845 --> 00:59:07,413
SHE WAS A LUSCIOUS VOICE
OF EXPERIENCE.
1507
00:59:07,456 --> 00:59:09,110
HA HA OH...YES!
1508
00:59:09,154 --> 00:59:10,895
YES. YES!
1509
00:59:10,938 --> 00:59:12,287
YES! OH, YES!
1510
00:59:12,331 --> 00:59:13,724
OH, YES!
1511
00:59:13,767 --> 00:59:16,553
OH, SWEET LEAPING JESUS!
1512
00:59:16,596 --> 00:59:19,077
I ALSO FIGURED THAT
NOBODY ON THEIR DEATHBED
1513
00:59:19,120 --> 00:59:21,819
LOOKS BACK AND SAYS,
"I WISH I'D MADE LOVE LESS."
1514
00:59:21,862 --> 00:59:23,255
EH...
1515
00:59:23,298 --> 00:59:25,997
WE DIDN'T MAKE LOVE THE WAY
THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES,
1516
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:28,477
YOU KNOW, WHERE THE GUY JUST
SLIDES IN-BETWEEN HER LEGS
1517
00:59:28,521 --> 00:59:30,479
LIKE A HOT KNIFE THROUGH BUTTER.
1518
00:59:30,523 --> 00:59:32,351
NO. THIS WAS LIKE REAL LIFE.
1519
00:59:32,394 --> 00:59:34,222
NO.
1520
00:59:34,266 --> 00:59:35,876
NO, NO, NOT THAT HOLE.
1521
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:37,878
I--I CAN'T GET IT IN.
1522
00:59:37,922 --> 00:59:39,706
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NOT
ANOTHER BEN WA BALL IN THERE?
1523
00:59:39,750 --> 00:59:41,273
NO. HERE.
LET ME HELP YOU.
1524
00:59:43,884 --> 00:59:44,624
AHH...
1525
00:59:49,063 --> 00:59:50,630
NO. WE DIDN'T
MAKE CINEMA LOVE.
1526
00:59:50,674 --> 00:59:51,631
AH-CHOO!
1527
00:59:51,675 --> 00:59:53,764
WE MADE THE KIND OF LOVE
1528
00:59:53,807 --> 00:59:55,461
WHERE YOU JUST
LAUGH TOGETHER,
1529
00:59:55,504 --> 00:59:57,071
AND YOUR BODIES MAKE
THAT FARTING NOISE
1530
00:59:57,115 --> 00:59:58,899
WHEN AIR GETS TRAPPED
IN-BETWEEN YOU.
1531
00:59:58,943 --> 00:59:59,900
[PUHHHHHT]
1532
00:59:59,944 --> 01:00:02,555
HA HA HA!
1533
01:00:02,599 --> 01:00:04,644
PATTY TAUGHT ME THINGS.
1534
01:00:05,906 --> 01:00:07,516
HEY, HEY...
1535
01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:09,910
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
KISS ME THE WHOLE TIME.
1536
01:00:09,954 --> 01:00:11,738
IT SEEMS LIKE
YOU'RE KISSING ME
1537
01:00:11,782 --> 01:00:13,522
JUST TO AVOID
LOOKING AT ME.
1538
01:00:13,566 --> 01:00:15,481
LOOK INTO MY EYES.
1539
01:00:15,524 --> 01:00:17,831
CONCENTRATE ON ME.
1540
01:00:17,875 --> 01:00:20,660
CONCENTRATE ON US.
1541
01:00:20,704 --> 01:00:22,444
I'D ONLY DONE IT TWICE,
1542
01:00:22,488 --> 01:00:25,883
BUT NOW I COULD ARTICULATE
WHY MEN LOVE SEX SO MUCH...
1543
01:00:25,926 --> 01:00:28,146
BECAUSE WHILE
YOU'RE DOING IT,
1544
01:00:28,189 --> 01:00:30,888
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
AS GOOD, IF NOT BETTER,
1545
01:00:30,931 --> 01:00:32,237
THAN EVERY OTHER MAN.
1546
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:34,195
OH, YES!
1547
01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:36,633
THE FEELING OF THAT
VELVET AXLE GREASE
1548
01:00:36,676 --> 01:00:38,373
MAKES YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE
ON THE CORRECT PATH...
1549
01:00:38,417 --> 01:00:41,420
OH, MADONNA MIA!
1550
01:00:41,463 --> 01:00:43,204
THAT EVERYTHING
IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD.
1551
01:00:43,248 --> 01:00:45,859
[SIZE 14
SINGS SUPERBABE 2000]
1552
01:00:45,903 --> 01:00:47,687
OH...
1553
01:00:47,731 --> 01:00:49,950
♪ 2000
1554
01:00:49,994 --> 01:00:50,908
HA HA HA!
1555
01:00:53,171 --> 01:00:57,305
♪ A SUPERBABE
1556
01:00:57,349 --> 01:00:59,220
HA HA HA!
1557
01:00:59,264 --> 01:01:02,484
HA HA HA!
♪ 2000
1558
01:01:05,705 --> 01:01:09,317
♪ SHE'S A SUPERBABE
1559
01:01:09,361 --> 01:01:11,450
AHH...AH!
1560
01:01:11,493 --> 01:01:15,062
♪ 2000
1561
01:01:15,106 --> 01:01:16,281
OH!
1562
01:01:16,324 --> 01:01:18,109
OH! OH!
1563
01:01:18,152 --> 01:01:21,329
OUR TRANSCENDENT FUSION
WAS NOT THE ROMANTIC TYPE.
1564
01:01:21,373 --> 01:01:23,244
IT WAS JUST FUN.
1565
01:01:23,288 --> 01:01:25,420
♪ 2000
1566
01:01:25,464 --> 01:01:27,553
THAT VERIFIED MY EXPERIENCE
WITH HER WAS NOT SERIOUS
1567
01:01:27,596 --> 01:01:28,859
AND NOTHING COSMIC.
1568
01:01:35,430 --> 01:01:37,737
I USED HER.
1569
01:01:37,781 --> 01:01:39,173
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
1570
01:01:39,217 --> 01:01:41,741
EH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
1571
01:01:41,785 --> 01:01:45,179
I TELL YOU I'M UP TO
15 POUNDS OVER HERE?
1572
01:01:45,223 --> 01:01:48,443
I TREATED HER LIKE SHE WAS
MY SEXUAL TRAINING WHEELS.
1573
01:01:48,487 --> 01:01:50,402
SOMETHING I USED WHILE
LEARNING TO RIDE THE BIKE
1574
01:01:50,445 --> 01:01:52,578
THAT I'LL JUST DISCARD
WHEN I NO LONGER NEED THEM.
1575
01:01:52,621 --> 01:01:54,754
AND WHAT IF THAT GIRL
FROM THE ELEVATOR FINDS OUT?
1576
01:01:54,798 --> 01:01:56,625
HUH? SHE'S GONNA THINK
I'M A TOTAL DICK.
1577
01:01:56,669 --> 01:01:58,453
AW, MAN...
1578
01:01:58,497 --> 01:02:01,413
IT'S YOUR MANIFEST DESTINY
TO NAIL HER, YOU KNOW?
1579
01:02:01,456 --> 01:02:03,197
I MEAN, IN EVERY SPECIES,
1580
01:02:03,241 --> 01:02:05,199
IT'S THE MALE'S
OVERRIDING FUNCTION
1581
01:02:05,243 --> 01:02:07,332
TO PERPETUATE HIS LINE.
1582
01:02:07,375 --> 01:02:09,551
I MEAN, WHY SHOULD IT BE
ANY DIFFERENT FOR YOU?
1583
01:02:09,595 --> 01:02:12,554
YOU SHOULD EMBRACE YOUR DESTINY,
NOT DENY IT.
1584
01:02:12,598 --> 01:02:13,904
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET BY
1585
01:02:13,947 --> 01:02:15,470
WITH THIS ATTITUDE
TOWARDS WOMEN, ROD?
1586
01:02:15,514 --> 01:02:17,516
I'M GONNA GET RICH
1587
01:02:17,559 --> 01:02:20,040
AND THEN GET ME ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE WIFE WHORES, YOU KNOW?
1588
01:02:20,084 --> 01:02:22,564
GIVE HER A NICE CAR,
BUNCH OF CREDIT CARDS,
1589
01:02:22,608 --> 01:02:24,262
LOTS OF CASH,
STUFF LIKE THAT,
1590
01:02:24,305 --> 01:02:26,525
AND IN RETURN, YOU KNOW,
SHE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS
1591
01:02:26,568 --> 01:02:29,223
AND GIVE ME SEX ON DEMAND.
1592
01:02:29,267 --> 01:02:31,922
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED
1593
01:02:31,965 --> 01:02:33,532
TO MAKE YOU HATE WOMEN
SO MUCH?
1594
01:02:33,575 --> 01:02:35,142
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
1595
01:02:35,186 --> 01:02:38,232
SOMETHING HADHAPPENED.
I KNEW IT.
1596
01:02:38,276 --> 01:02:40,800
THERE WAS DEFINITELY
A HORROR IN ROD'S PAST,
1597
01:02:40,844 --> 01:02:43,150
AND IT WAS DEFINITELY
AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE MONSTER
1598
01:02:43,194 --> 01:02:45,587
THAT ROD CALLED WOMAN.
AAH!
1599
01:02:45,631 --> 01:02:47,546
COME ON. WHAT'S
YOUR HORROR STORY?
1600
01:02:47,589 --> 01:02:49,287
THERE'S NO STORY, MAN.
1601
01:02:49,330 --> 01:02:51,376
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S
GOT THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN,
1602
01:02:51,419 --> 01:02:52,812
NOT ME, YOU KNOW.
1603
01:02:52,856 --> 01:02:54,335
MAYBE IF YOU
TRIED THIS THING,
1604
01:02:54,379 --> 01:02:56,685
YOU WOULDN'T BE SO NERVOUS
AROUND THEM ALL THE TIME.
1605
01:02:56,729 --> 01:02:59,036
NOT ONLY HAS MY MAIN MAN
GIRTH INCREASED,
1606
01:02:59,079 --> 01:03:02,256
BUT SO HAS MY VIRILITY,
BABY. [CHUCKLES]
1607
01:03:02,300 --> 01:03:03,692
JUST THE OTHER DAY,
1608
01:03:03,736 --> 01:03:06,521
I BONED THIS GIRL
ALL NIGHT LONG.
1609
01:03:06,565 --> 01:03:07,958
YEAH? WHAT GIRL?
1610
01:03:08,001 --> 01:03:09,220
HUH?
1611
01:03:09,263 --> 01:03:10,830
FRANCESCA.
1612
01:03:10,874 --> 01:03:13,615
YEAH, RIGHT.
1613
01:03:13,659 --> 01:03:16,749
OH, MAN, YEAH.
SHE'S--SHE'S DOABLE.
1614
01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:18,011
IN YOUR DREAMS.
1615
01:03:18,055 --> 01:03:19,708
NO. SHE'S DIDABLE, MAN.
1616
01:03:19,752 --> 01:03:21,449
I'M TELLIN' YOU.
1617
01:03:21,493 --> 01:03:23,277
WE HAD SEX ALL NIGHT LONG.
1618
01:03:23,321 --> 01:03:24,888
SHE MAY BE UGLY
AS SIN AND ALL,
1619
01:03:24,931 --> 01:03:26,541
BUT I AIN'T COMPLAININ'.
1620
01:03:26,585 --> 01:03:29,588
YEAH, I'M SAD, BUT HAPPY.
HEH EH-HEH...
1621
01:03:29,631 --> 01:03:31,720
Matt:
GOD, I HATE GUYS.
1622
01:03:31,764 --> 01:03:33,200
AH...FUCKIN' YEAH.
1623
01:03:33,244 --> 01:03:35,550
OW!
1624
01:03:35,594 --> 01:03:36,813
DICK!
1625
01:03:38,553 --> 01:03:40,729
MORE THAN HALF A SEMESTER
HAD PASSED
1626
01:03:40,773 --> 01:03:43,558
AND MY DEBUTANTE OF THE DARK,
MY DOLL OF DESTINY,
1627
01:03:43,602 --> 01:03:45,299
HADN'T PRESENTED HERSELF.
1628
01:03:45,343 --> 01:03:48,215
I HAD ALMOST LOST ALL HOPE
WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENED.
1629
01:03:51,262 --> 01:03:52,480
MATTHEW?
1630
01:03:52,524 --> 01:03:53,307
YOU'RE HERE!
1631
01:03:53,351 --> 01:03:55,135
OH, MY GOD!
1632
01:03:55,179 --> 01:03:57,921
YOU KNOW MY NAME.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
1633
01:03:57,964 --> 01:04:00,271
STOP TRYING TO FIND ME.
1634
01:04:00,314 --> 01:04:01,533
WHAT?
1635
01:04:01,576 --> 01:04:04,753
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO FIND ME.
1636
01:04:04,797 --> 01:04:06,930
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS
FOR A SECOND?
1637
01:04:06,973 --> 01:04:08,714
THERE'S NOTHING
TO TALK ABOUT.
1638
01:04:08,757 --> 01:04:10,237
I DON'T LIKE YOU.
1639
01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:13,545
UH, WAIT. CAN YOU...
1640
01:04:13,588 --> 01:04:14,676
WAIT--HEY, WAIT.
1641
01:04:17,375 --> 01:04:19,116
[DING]
1642
01:04:19,159 --> 01:04:21,161
I CHASED HER LIKE
I WAS POPEYE DOYLE
1643
01:04:21,205 --> 01:04:22,902
CHASING THAT TRAIN
IN THE FRENCH CONNECTION.
1644
01:04:22,946 --> 01:04:24,904
[PANTING]
[ENGINE RACES]
1645
01:04:24,948 --> 01:04:26,471
[TIRES SCREECH]
1646
01:04:26,514 --> 01:04:29,517
[ENGINE RACING]
1647
01:04:29,561 --> 01:04:30,518
[SCREECH]
1648
01:04:30,562 --> 01:04:31,780
[CRASH]
1649
01:04:31,824 --> 01:04:32,912
Woman: OH!
Matt: GOT YOU!
1650
01:04:34,479 --> 01:04:35,697
OH...
1651
01:04:43,401 --> 01:04:44,706
[DING]
I'D LOST HER.
1652
01:04:55,804 --> 01:04:57,241
DO YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?
1653
01:04:57,284 --> 01:05:00,461
NO, I'M OK.
1654
01:05:00,505 --> 01:05:02,376
Matt: MY ANTI-INTIMACY
FORCE FIELD
1655
01:05:02,420 --> 01:05:04,030
WAS ON AUTO-PILOT.
1656
01:05:04,074 --> 01:05:07,077
COME ON. IT MIGHT
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
1657
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:09,383
I WAS FEELING SO BAD,
I DECIDED
1658
01:05:09,427 --> 01:05:12,604
TO PUT THE ANTI-INTIMACY
ON MANUAL. I LOWERED IT.
1659
01:05:12,647 --> 01:05:14,301
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
1660
01:05:21,439 --> 01:05:23,267
I FIGURED
SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND,
1661
01:05:23,310 --> 01:05:26,096
YOU KNOW, OR SHE WAS
DRUNK THAT NIGHT
1662
01:05:26,139 --> 01:05:27,880
AND SHE DIDN'T
REMEMBER...
1663
01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:29,099
YOU KNOW, OR
I DELUDED MYSELF
1664
01:05:29,142 --> 01:05:30,317
INTO THINKING
THAT SHE THOUGHT
1665
01:05:30,361 --> 01:05:33,016
I WAS SOME PRE-MED
OR PRE-LAW ADONIS,
1666
01:05:33,059 --> 01:05:33,799
YOU KNOW,
THAT WOULDN'T CARE
1667
01:05:33,842 --> 01:05:35,757
WHEN I FOUND HER.
1668
01:05:35,801 --> 01:05:36,758
I NEVER THOUGHT
1669
01:05:36,802 --> 01:05:39,631
IT WAS BECAUSE
SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME.
1670
01:05:39,674 --> 01:05:42,286
WELL, MAYBE THERE'S
ANOTHER REASON.
1671
01:05:42,329 --> 01:05:43,852
I DON'T THINK SO.
1672
01:05:43,896 --> 01:05:45,071
I JUST
SHOULD HAVE FIGURED
1673
01:05:45,115 --> 01:05:46,377
IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH ME.
1674
01:05:46,420 --> 01:05:49,293
TESTOSTERONE MUST
REALLY FUEL THE EGO
1675
01:05:49,336 --> 01:05:51,860
BECAUSE I HAVE STORED
UP PLENTY OF BOTH.
1676
01:05:51,904 --> 01:05:55,255
I'M JUST A BIG STEAMING
PILE OF LOSER.
1677
01:05:55,299 --> 01:05:57,736
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
1678
01:05:57,779 --> 01:06:00,173
IT'S MIDNIGHT,
AND I'M CLEANING MY ROOM.
1679
01:06:00,217 --> 01:06:01,609
IS YOUR MOM COMIN'
TO VISIT TOMORROW?
1680
01:06:01,653 --> 01:06:02,959
YEAH, YOU GUESSED IT.
[LAUGHS]
1681
01:06:05,439 --> 01:06:07,572
HOW DO YOU GET ALONG
WITH YOUR FOLKS?
1682
01:06:07,615 --> 01:06:09,356
IN NINTH GRADE,
1683
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:11,837
I WANTED TO READ
THESE JAMES BOND NOVELS.
1684
01:06:11,880 --> 01:06:13,273
MY MOM WOULDN'T
LET ME READ THEM
1685
01:06:13,317 --> 01:06:16,015
UNLESS MY FATHER CUT OUT
THE SEX SCENES, AND...
1686
01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:17,016
SHE SAID, YOU KNOW,
"THINGS LIKE THAT
1687
01:06:17,060 --> 01:06:18,322
DON'T REALLY HAPPEN
IN REAL LIFE,"
1688
01:06:18,365 --> 01:06:20,150
AND THEY CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO ME.
1689
01:06:20,193 --> 01:06:22,021
THE NEXT YEAR,
I HAD TO GET GLASSES,
1690
01:06:22,065 --> 01:06:23,022
AND I BEGGED MY MOM
1691
01:06:23,066 --> 01:06:24,589
TO LET ME GET
CONTACT LENSES.
1692
01:06:24,632 --> 01:06:25,982
I SAID, "IF I GET
GLASSES, MOM,
1693
01:06:26,025 --> 01:06:27,157
I COULDN'T BE HANDSOME
LIKE JAMES BOND."
1694
01:06:29,072 --> 01:06:30,116
SHE JUST NEVER
LET ME FEEL
1695
01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:32,727
LIKE I COULD BE SEXY.
1696
01:06:32,771 --> 01:06:34,729
I STILL FEEL THAT WAY.
1697
01:06:34,773 --> 01:06:38,211
GOD. YOU KNOW,
1698
01:06:38,255 --> 01:06:40,039
PARENTS ARE ALWAYS TRYING
TO TURN US INTO SOMETHING
1699
01:06:40,083 --> 01:06:42,085
THAT WE DON'T WANNA BE.
I MEAN,
1700
01:06:42,128 --> 01:06:43,521
I WISH I COULD BE MORE
1701
01:06:43,564 --> 01:06:46,437
THAN MY PARENTS' PERFECT
LITTLE GIRL, YOU KNOW?
1702
01:06:48,134 --> 01:06:49,831
I JUST--AAH!
1703
01:06:51,137 --> 01:06:53,009
[CHUCKLES]
HEY,
1704
01:06:53,052 --> 01:06:55,272
KINDA
LOOKS LIKE FUN.
1705
01:06:55,315 --> 01:06:58,666
NO, WAIT.
ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO.
1706
01:06:58,710 --> 01:06:59,885
NOW WE'RE EVEN.
1707
01:06:59,928 --> 01:07:02,192
REALLY.
[LAUGHS]
1708
01:07:02,235 --> 01:07:04,237
♪ IF I EVER THOUGHT
1709
01:07:04,281 --> 01:07:06,196
♪ I CAN TRACE IT
BACK TO YOU ♪
1710
01:07:06,239 --> 01:07:08,328
♪ IF I GO OUTSIDE
1711
01:07:08,372 --> 01:07:11,288
♪ I'M ONLY TRYIN'
TO FIND YOU ♪
1712
01:07:11,331 --> 01:07:13,681
♪ IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN ♪
1713
01:07:13,725 --> 01:07:16,989
♪ JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN ♪
1714
01:07:20,166 --> 01:07:22,299
♪ IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN ♪
1715
01:07:22,342 --> 01:07:25,302
♪ TRYIN' TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION ♪
1716
01:07:32,961 --> 01:07:35,007
♪ GO TO MY SCREEN
1717
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:37,096
♪ ZOOM INTO ME
1718
01:07:37,140 --> 01:07:39,142
♪ WROTE A POEM
JUST FOR YOU ♪
1719
01:07:39,185 --> 01:07:42,014
♪ WON'T RHYME
UNTIL YOU'RE MINE ♪
1720
01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:44,103
♪ IT'S JUST A DREAM I'M IN
1721
01:07:44,147 --> 01:07:46,845
♪ JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN ♪
1722
01:07:50,414 --> 01:07:53,460
[BELL TOLLS]
1723
01:08:03,122 --> 01:08:06,517
HI, MOM.
1724
01:08:06,560 --> 01:08:08,997
THIS IS MATT.
1725
01:08:09,041 --> 01:08:12,131
Matt: FINALS WERE NEARING,
1726
01:08:12,175 --> 01:08:13,828
AND SO WAS THE END
OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.
1727
01:08:13,872 --> 01:08:15,874
I WAS RUNNING
OUT OF TIME.
1728
01:08:15,917 --> 01:08:17,919
LOOK WHAT IT DID
1729
01:08:17,963 --> 01:08:19,921
TO MY PRIDE
AND PREJUDICE TAPE.
1730
01:08:19,965 --> 01:08:22,098
THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.
1731
01:08:22,141 --> 01:08:23,795
Matthew: I HAD
ONE LAST CHANCE.
1732
01:08:23,838 --> 01:08:24,622
ONE LAST STRATEGY.
1733
01:08:24,665 --> 01:08:26,145
[HUMS]
1734
01:08:26,189 --> 01:08:28,843
IF I IMPROVE MYSELF,
I MEAN, DOING MORE
1735
01:08:28,887 --> 01:08:30,149
THAN JUST KEEPING
MY FINGERNAILS TRIMMED
1736
01:08:30,193 --> 01:08:31,716
FOR GOING TO THIRD BASE,
1737
01:08:31,759 --> 01:08:35,894
MAYBE MY KISMETIC DESTINY MIGHT
CHANGE HER OPINION OF ME.
1738
01:08:35,937 --> 01:08:38,331
SHE WAS OUT THERE
SOMEWHERE WATCHING ME.
1739
01:08:38,375 --> 01:08:40,812
I DECIDED THE FIRST STEP
IN MY TAKING
1740
01:08:40,855 --> 01:08:42,857
A SCOURING PAD TO MY SOUL
1741
01:08:42,901 --> 01:08:44,294
WAS TO MAKE
PEACE IN THE GENDER WAR.
1742
01:08:44,337 --> 01:08:45,817
ANOTHER POINT,
PUSSIES?
1743
01:08:45,860 --> 01:08:47,166
FORGET IT.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
1744
01:08:47,210 --> 01:08:49,255
OH, COME ON. JUST ONE
MORE GAME. COME ON.
1745
01:08:49,299 --> 01:08:51,214
HEY, I'LL PLAY.
1746
01:08:51,257 --> 01:08:52,302
Matt: I WAS AMAZED
BY HOW WELL
1747
01:08:52,345 --> 01:08:54,434
ARLENE AND I
COMPLIMENTED EACH OTHER.
1748
01:08:54,478 --> 01:08:56,175
ARLENE HAD A SOFT TOUCH,
1749
01:08:56,219 --> 01:08:57,872
KNOWING JUST WHERE
TO SET ME UP
1750
01:08:57,916 --> 01:09:00,397
WHICH LET MY POWER GAME
DO ITS MAGIC.
1751
01:09:03,008 --> 01:09:05,053
SHE WAS
AN EXCELLENT CHEERLEADER.
1752
01:09:05,097 --> 01:09:06,620
SHE NEVER GOT PISSED
WHEN I BLEW A POINT.
1753
01:09:08,318 --> 01:09:10,015
THAT'S OK.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
1754
01:09:10,058 --> 01:09:11,277
YOU'RE DOIN' GOOD. YOU'LL
GET IT NEXT TIME. IT'S OK.
1755
01:09:11,321 --> 01:09:12,322
Matt:
MY BALLS-OUT ENERGY
1756
01:09:12,365 --> 01:09:14,498
DROVE HER TO NEW
PERFORMANCE HEIGHTS.
1757
01:09:14,541 --> 01:09:17,762
COME ON, ARLENE.
SMOKE 'EM. SMOKE 'EM.
1758
01:09:17,805 --> 01:09:18,763
All: YEAH!
1759
01:09:21,374 --> 01:09:23,289
Matt: IT'S LIKE OUR
MASCULINE AND FEMININE SIDES
1760
01:09:23,333 --> 01:09:25,030
BROUGHT OUT
THE BEST IN EACH OTHER.
1761
01:09:25,073 --> 01:09:26,031
LET'S DO IT.
YOU CAN GET 'EM.
1762
01:09:26,074 --> 01:09:27,380
YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON.
1763
01:09:27,424 --> 01:09:29,730
Matt: WE WENT TOGETHER
LIKE YIN AND YANG.
1764
01:09:29,774 --> 01:09:31,254
POTATO CHIPS
AND SODA.
1765
01:09:31,297 --> 01:09:33,473
MEN AND WOMEN.
1766
01:09:33,517 --> 01:09:35,040
BECAUSE CRICK
AND HIS BUFF BUDDY
1767
01:09:35,083 --> 01:09:36,259
HAD THE SAME STYLES,
1768
01:09:36,302 --> 01:09:38,217
THEY OFTEN COLLIDED.
1769
01:09:38,261 --> 01:09:39,392
THEY WERE
MISSING SOMETHING.
1770
01:09:39,436 --> 01:09:42,047
THEY HAD THE POWER,
BUT NO STRATEGY.
1771
01:09:42,090 --> 01:09:44,397
THERE WAS TOO MUCH
EGO ON THEIR SIDE.
1772
01:09:44,441 --> 01:09:46,051
THEY SPENT MORE TIME
FIGHTING EACH OTHER
1773
01:09:46,094 --> 01:09:47,270
THAN BATTLING US.
1774
01:09:47,313 --> 01:09:51,230
YOU KEEP YOUR ARM
ON THE SIDE OF YOUR GOAL!
1775
01:09:54,102 --> 01:09:56,104
THAT'S GAME, GUYS.
AND MATCH.
1776
01:09:57,541 --> 01:09:59,847
NOW DROP 'EM.
YOU CHEATED!
1777
01:09:59,891 --> 01:10:01,849
[GIRLS LAUGH]
1778
01:10:01,893 --> 01:10:04,243
Girl: LET'S SEE THOSE
TROPHIES, BOYS.
1779
01:10:04,287 --> 01:10:06,419
COME ON, LET'S SEE 'EM.
1780
01:10:06,463 --> 01:10:10,075
GIRLS, IT'S JUST BECAUSE
IT'S COLD IN HERE.
1781
01:10:10,118 --> 01:10:11,598
IT'S FREEZING, I SWEAR!
1782
01:10:11,642 --> 01:10:12,773
OH, YEAH.
1783
01:10:12,817 --> 01:10:14,035
[ALL LAUGH]
1784
01:10:14,079 --> 01:10:15,472
Matt: I KNOW
SOMETIMES YOU THINK
1785
01:10:15,515 --> 01:10:17,343
GUYS LIKE ME CAN
BE PIGS, BASICALLY.
1786
01:10:17,387 --> 01:10:20,041
FORGET IT. I GET A LITTLE
SENSITIVE SOMETIMES.
1787
01:10:20,085 --> 01:10:21,782
IT COMES FROM GROWIN' UP
WITH 6 BROTHERS.
1788
01:10:21,826 --> 01:10:22,914
NO, I KNOW, BUT LISTEN.
1789
01:10:22,957 --> 01:10:24,263
I MEAN, I WANNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
1790
01:10:24,307 --> 01:10:25,308
IT'S HARD
FOR ME SOMETIMES
1791
01:10:25,351 --> 01:10:26,918
TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO BE A MAN.
1792
01:10:26,961 --> 01:10:28,833
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
1793
01:10:28,876 --> 01:10:31,227
I CAN BLAME MY FATHER
A LITTLE BIT FOR THAT.
1794
01:10:31,270 --> 01:10:32,750
MY MALE ROLE MODEL.
1795
01:10:32,793 --> 01:10:34,273
MY DAD LOVES
ICE CREAM SO MUCH,
1796
01:10:34,317 --> 01:10:35,927
HE'D DO ANYTHING
TO GET IT,
1797
01:10:35,970 --> 01:10:37,755
AND MORE THAN ONCE,
YOU KNOW, I'D WATCH HIM
1798
01:10:37,798 --> 01:10:39,147
RUNNING OUT IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET
1799
01:10:39,191 --> 01:10:40,932
IN HIS UNDERWEAR AFTER
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK.
1800
01:10:42,716 --> 01:10:44,805
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO TEACH ME TO BE A MAN?
1801
01:10:44,849 --> 01:10:47,025
RIGHT? YOU KNOW,
BACK IN THE DAY,
1802
01:10:47,068 --> 01:10:48,287
BOYS WOULD GO OUT
WITH THEIR FATHERS
1803
01:10:48,331 --> 01:10:49,680
IN THE FIELD AND WORK,
1804
01:10:49,723 --> 01:10:52,639
OR THEY'D TAKE A WEEKEND
AND THEY'D GO HUNTING.
1805
01:10:52,683 --> 01:10:55,294
AT THEIR FATHER'S SIDES,
BOYS LEARNED TO BE MEN.
1806
01:10:55,338 --> 01:10:57,296
BUT WITH THE COMING
OF THE COMPUTER AGE,
1807
01:10:57,340 --> 01:10:58,384
BOYS ARE JUST
LEFT AT HOME
1808
01:10:58,428 --> 01:10:59,907
AND THE FATHERS
ARE AT THEIR OFFICES.
1809
01:10:59,951 --> 01:11:01,648
THERE'S NO MORE
APPRENTICESHIPS LEFT.
1810
01:11:01,692 --> 01:11:03,128
YOU KNOW, SO WHERE
DOES THAT LEAVE US?
1811
01:11:03,171 --> 01:11:04,521
WELL, IT LEAVES ME
IN THE STREET
1812
01:11:04,564 --> 01:11:06,740
LOOKING AT MY FATHER
IN HIS UNDERWEAR
1813
01:11:06,784 --> 01:11:08,394
EATING AN ICE CREAM
SANDWICH.
1814
01:11:08,438 --> 01:11:09,482
SOME ROLE MODEL.
RIGHT.
1815
01:11:11,354 --> 01:11:12,485
IF I'M NOT
ABLE TO GRASP
1816
01:11:12,529 --> 01:11:13,878
WHAT IT IS TO BE
A MAN,
1817
01:11:13,921 --> 01:11:15,793
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN?
1818
01:11:15,836 --> 01:11:17,708
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
1819
01:11:17,751 --> 01:11:19,449
I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WOMEN
BETTER THAN MOST MEN.
1820
01:11:19,492 --> 01:11:20,928
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
1821
01:11:20,972 --> 01:11:22,452
[CLINK]
1822
01:11:24,628 --> 01:11:26,282
Matt: I LOVE WOMEN.
1823
01:11:26,325 --> 01:11:29,372
I LOVE THOSE EMBER POOLS
MASQUERADING AS EYES.
1824
01:11:29,415 --> 01:11:32,331
LIPS. I LOVE SMILES.
1825
01:11:32,375 --> 01:11:35,073
AND THE YAWNS.
THE EATING.
1826
01:11:36,814 --> 01:11:40,383
WITH SKIN SO SOFT, WOMEN
ARE HEAD-TO-TOE CASHMERE.
1827
01:11:43,777 --> 01:11:45,910
A WOMAN'S SKIN
INSPIRES A MAN'S FINGERS
1828
01:11:45,953 --> 01:11:47,912
TO HAVE MAGELLAN'S
LOVE OF EXPLORATION.
1829
01:11:52,917 --> 01:11:54,919
IT'S WOMEN'S BELLIES
THAT DRIVE ME WILD.
1830
01:11:59,358 --> 01:12:00,707
IT'S MORE THAN JUST THE FACT
1831
01:12:00,751 --> 01:12:02,448
THAT IT'S THE ONLY PART
OF A WOMAN'S BODY
1832
01:12:02,492 --> 01:12:03,797
YOU CAN EASILY SEE NAKED.
1833
01:12:06,757 --> 01:12:08,454
THE BELLY HINTS
AT THE PLEASURES BEYOND.
1834
01:12:11,283 --> 01:12:14,547
YOU'RE SO NEAR
AND YET SO FAR.
1835
01:12:18,508 --> 01:12:20,684
EVERYTHING ABOUT A WOMAN
DRAWS YOU TO HER SEXUALITY.
1836
01:12:26,298 --> 01:12:28,169
THE SMALL TRIANGLE
BETWEEN HER LEGS
1837
01:12:28,213 --> 01:12:29,475
IS LIKE
THE HEAD OF AN ARROW
1838
01:12:29,519 --> 01:12:32,260
WHICH POINTS GO HERE!
GO HERE!
1839
01:12:32,304 --> 01:12:33,871
OR IF YOU FOLLOW
1840
01:12:33,914 --> 01:12:36,656
THE GRACEFUL LINE
OF THE PECTORALIS MAJOR,
1841
01:12:36,700 --> 01:12:40,094
IT INEVITABLY DRAWS YOUR EYES
TO THE GOLDEN ORBS
1842
01:12:40,138 --> 01:12:43,097
CLIMAXED BY THE NIPPLE.
1843
01:12:43,141 --> 01:12:45,230
GOD IS IN THE DETAILS,
1844
01:12:45,273 --> 01:12:47,537
AND THE NIPPLE
IS HIS GREATEST DETAIL.
1845
01:12:50,540 --> 01:12:52,498
DORA LOVED THE VIDEO
I MADE OF HER,
1846
01:12:52,542 --> 01:12:54,152
BUT I COULDN'T TAKE
THE CREDIT.
1847
01:12:54,195 --> 01:12:56,459
I TOLD HER THAT 95%
OF DIRECTING IS CASTING.
1848
01:12:58,983 --> 01:13:00,027
SEE? YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
1849
01:13:15,565 --> 01:13:17,610
SO, CYNTHIA, WHY AREN'T YOU
OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT?
1850
01:13:19,090 --> 01:13:20,439
OH.
[GLASS BREAKS]
1851
01:13:20,483 --> 01:13:22,528
BECAUSE MY FACE GOT
FLATTENED LIKE ROAD KILL
1852
01:13:22,572 --> 01:13:23,964
AFTER THE COUCH
FELL ON ME.
1853
01:13:24,008 --> 01:13:26,445
SORRY.
1854
01:13:26,489 --> 01:13:27,751
Matt: IT WAS WEIRD
1855
01:13:27,794 --> 01:13:29,056
THAT I FELT COMFORTABLE
TALKING TO HER
1856
01:13:29,100 --> 01:13:31,755
NOW THAT HER LOOKS
DIDN'T DISTRACT ME.
1857
01:13:31,798 --> 01:13:33,539
SHE WAS THE SAME GIRL,
REALLY.
1858
01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:35,411
SO, WHAT ARE YOU
READING?
1859
01:13:35,454 --> 01:13:36,760
WORLD RELIGION AND US.
1860
01:13:36,803 --> 01:13:38,414
THIS GUY WAS SUPPOSED
1861
01:13:38,457 --> 01:13:39,371
TO GIVE ME HIS NOTES
AFTER CLASS,
1862
01:13:39,415 --> 01:13:41,286
BUT HE NEVER
CALLED ME BACK.
1863
01:13:41,329 --> 01:13:42,548
YOU KNOW,
I WAS READING
1864
01:13:42,592 --> 01:13:43,897
ABOUT THESE
RELIGIOUS SCHOLARS
1865
01:13:43,941 --> 01:13:45,595
THAT WERE LOOKING
BACK IN BIBLICAL TIMES,
1866
01:13:45,638 --> 01:13:46,987
AND THEY FOUND OUT
THAT THE PHRASE
1867
01:13:47,031 --> 01:13:47,988
"WALKING ON WATER"
1868
01:13:48,032 --> 01:13:49,816
REALLY MEANT
WALKING BY THE WATER.
1869
01:13:49,860 --> 01:13:51,557
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?
1870
01:13:51,601 --> 01:13:52,819
SO, PERHAPS
JESUS DIDN'T PERFORM
1871
01:13:52,863 --> 01:13:54,430
ANY OF THOSE MIRACLES
AT ALL.
1872
01:13:54,473 --> 01:13:55,735
WE JUST THOUGHT HE DID
BECAUSE WE MADE
1873
01:13:55,779 --> 01:13:57,128
A MISTAKE
IN THE TRANSLATIONS.
1874
01:13:57,171 --> 01:13:58,782
I HEAR YA,
1875
01:13:58,825 --> 01:14:00,479
BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT'S REALLY MESSED UP?
1876
01:14:00,523 --> 01:14:03,264
I MEAN,
GOD LOVES US, RIGHT?
1877
01:14:03,308 --> 01:14:04,265
THEN WHY DOES HE LET
1878
01:14:04,309 --> 01:14:06,398
BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO GOOD PEOPLE?
1879
01:14:06,442 --> 01:14:08,531
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS JUST
1880
01:14:08,574 --> 01:14:10,402
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR
EVERYBODY, RIGHT?
1881
01:14:10,446 --> 01:14:12,665
YEAH.
1882
01:14:12,709 --> 01:14:15,276
YEAH, WELL, HIS PLAN
FOR ME SUCKS!
1883
01:14:15,320 --> 01:14:18,105
[CRASH]
WHOA.
1884
01:14:21,892 --> 01:14:24,068
WOW. YOU'VE GOT
STRONG LEGS.
1885
01:14:24,111 --> 01:14:25,504
[SIGHS]
1886
01:14:25,548 --> 01:14:28,115
Matt: I HAD BEEN
AVOIDING PATTY FOR A WHILE.
1887
01:14:28,159 --> 01:14:29,595
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO
HANDLE IT,
1888
01:14:29,639 --> 01:14:31,641
BUT I WAS THINKING
ABOUT HER,
1889
01:14:31,684 --> 01:14:33,207
SO FRANCESCA
WENT TO HANG OUT WITH HER.
1890
01:14:33,251 --> 01:14:34,470
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
1891
01:14:34,513 --> 01:14:36,428
ABOUT THAT
MAINTENANCE GUY, MATT?
1892
01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:38,299
HE'S NOT MY TYPE,
REALLY.
1893
01:14:38,343 --> 01:14:40,563
WELL, HOW'S THAT?
1894
01:14:40,606 --> 01:14:43,391
I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST SORT
OF SEEMS DISTRACTED TO ME.
1895
01:14:43,435 --> 01:14:44,871
[CHOMPING]
1896
01:14:44,915 --> 01:14:46,133
Matt: IT WAS THEN
THAT I HEARD
1897
01:14:46,177 --> 01:14:48,701
THE TELLTALE CRACKING
OF CRICK'S NICOTINE GUM.
1898
01:14:51,661 --> 01:14:53,184
PATTY, I JUST HEARD
1899
01:14:53,227 --> 01:14:54,707
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOIN'
WITH MR. FIXIT.
1900
01:14:54,751 --> 01:14:56,666
CAN WE PLEASE JUST
TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
1901
01:14:56,709 --> 01:14:57,623
NO, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!
1902
01:14:57,667 --> 01:14:59,233
PLEASE,
JUST LET GO OF ME!
1903
01:14:59,277 --> 01:15:00,974
LET GO! PATTY, GO!
1904
01:15:01,018 --> 01:15:03,063
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU MUSCLIN' ME TOO, HUH?
1905
01:15:03,107 --> 01:15:05,109
LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST
THE TWO OF US, HUH?
1906
01:15:05,152 --> 01:15:07,459
HUH? NOW, RELAX,
1907
01:15:07,503 --> 01:15:09,417
AND WE'LL GET ALONG
JUST FINE.
1908
01:15:09,461 --> 01:15:11,289
OH, DO WE SWEAT,
TOO, HUH?
1909
01:15:11,332 --> 01:15:14,161
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE,
OK? JUST RELAX.
1910
01:15:14,205 --> 01:15:16,599
Matt: CRICK WAS CHEWING
HIS NICOTINE GUM IN MY EAR.
1911
01:15:16,642 --> 01:15:19,340
LIKE KRYPTONITE,
IT DRAINED ANY SUPERPOWERS
1912
01:15:19,384 --> 01:15:21,125
I HAD LEFT IN MY BODY.
1913
01:15:21,168 --> 01:15:23,127
ALL THAT KEPT
GOING THROUGH MY MIND
1914
01:15:23,170 --> 01:15:25,738
WAS WHAT THE MIGHTY CRICK
HAD IN STORE FOR ME.
1915
01:15:25,782 --> 01:15:27,479
YEAH, YEAH, YOU LIKE IT?
1916
01:15:27,523 --> 01:15:30,264
'CAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE IT
TO YOU GOOD, YEAH. YEAH.
1917
01:15:30,308 --> 01:15:32,745
[LAUGHS]
NOW, GIVE US A KISS.
1918
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:38,316
Matt: I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
1919
01:15:38,359 --> 01:15:39,317
THIS WAS NOT THE NIGHT
1920
01:15:39,360 --> 01:15:40,666
THAT THIS LITTLE GIRL,
FRANCESCA,
1921
01:15:40,710 --> 01:15:42,146
WAS TO BECOME A GROWN WOMAN.
1922
01:15:42,189 --> 01:15:43,626
AAH!
1923
01:15:46,193 --> 01:15:47,020
[SCREAMS]
1924
01:15:50,937 --> 01:15:53,374
Matt: I READ LATER
THAT 4,000 WOMEN A YEAR
1925
01:15:53,418 --> 01:15:55,594
ARE MURDERED BY THEIR
BOYFRIENDS OR HUSBANDS.
1926
01:15:55,638 --> 01:15:58,902
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN,
BUT FOR A MOMENT,
1927
01:15:58,945 --> 01:16:01,165
I HAD AN INKLING ABOUT
THEIR FEELINGS TOWARDS MEN.
1928
01:16:01,208 --> 01:16:03,863
I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
1929
01:16:03,907 --> 01:16:05,865
I WAS TOO ASHAMED.
1930
01:16:05,909 --> 01:16:07,780
AND IF THAT WASN'T
BAD ENOUGH,
1931
01:16:07,824 --> 01:16:09,608
I DISCOVERED ROD
CHOKING THE CHICKEN
1932
01:16:09,652 --> 01:16:11,131
TO THE VIDEO
I HAD MADE OF DORA.
1933
01:16:13,307 --> 01:16:14,613
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DICK?
1934
01:16:18,704 --> 01:16:22,403
OH. IT'S CALLED
HYPOSPADIAS.
1935
01:16:22,447 --> 01:16:24,928
IT'S WHERE THE HOLE
IN YOUR DICK, IT'S...
1936
01:16:24,971 --> 01:16:26,494
IT'S NOT ON THE TIP,
BUT IT'S, YOU KNOW,
1937
01:16:26,538 --> 01:16:27,713
IT'S UNDERNEATH.
1938
01:16:27,757 --> 01:16:29,933
SPOOKY.
IT'S KINDA LIKE
1939
01:16:29,976 --> 01:16:32,196
HAVING YOUR MOUTH
BELOW YOUR CHIN.
1940
01:16:32,239 --> 01:16:34,502
YEAH, SORTA.
1941
01:16:34,546 --> 01:16:35,634
HEY, HEY, DON'T--
1942
01:16:35,678 --> 01:16:37,505
DON'T TELL ANYONE,
ALL RIGHT?
1943
01:16:37,549 --> 01:16:38,506
I MEAN, ESPECIALLY
THOSE GIRLS
1944
01:16:38,550 --> 01:16:39,246
YOU BEEN
HANGIN' OUT WITH.
1945
01:16:39,290 --> 01:16:40,639
I MEAN...
1946
01:16:40,683 --> 01:16:41,597
I SHOWED IT
TO A GIRL ONCE
1947
01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:42,946
AND SHE--
SHE FREAKED OUT.
1948
01:16:42,989 --> 01:16:45,470
Matt: IT WAS THEN
I REALIZED
1949
01:16:45,513 --> 01:16:46,689
THIS WAS ROD'S HORROR.
1950
01:16:49,213 --> 01:16:50,954
AAH!
1951
01:16:50,997 --> 01:16:52,695
[SCREAMS]
1952
01:16:52,738 --> 01:16:55,001
[SCREAMS]
1953
01:16:55,045 --> 01:16:56,481
I HAVEN'T
WHIPPED IT OUT
1954
01:16:56,524 --> 01:16:58,526
IN FRONT OF A CHICK
EVER SINCE.
1955
01:16:58,570 --> 01:17:01,529
WOW.
1956
01:17:01,573 --> 01:17:02,792
SO,
HOW DO YOU PEE?
1957
01:17:02,835 --> 01:17:04,794
OH, WELL.
[LAUGHS]
1958
01:17:04,837 --> 01:17:06,012
I USUALLY,
YOU KNOW,
1959
01:17:06,056 --> 01:17:08,493
UH, LIFT IT UP
REAL HIGH, OR...
1960
01:17:08,536 --> 01:17:09,625
YOU KNOW,
IF I'M LAZY,
1961
01:17:09,668 --> 01:17:10,669
I'LL JUST KINDA
1962
01:17:10,713 --> 01:17:12,976
GIVE IT A TWIST
OR SOMETHIN'.
1963
01:17:13,019 --> 01:17:15,108
Matt: SO, THIS IS WHAT
IT WAS ALL ABOUT.
1964
01:17:15,152 --> 01:17:17,807
THE PENILE POWER WAS A WAY
TO PROVE HIS MANHOOD,
1965
01:17:17,850 --> 01:17:19,678
AND TO BUILD HIMSELF UP,
1966
01:17:19,722 --> 01:17:22,202
ROD HAD TO RUN DOWN WOMEN.
1967
01:17:22,246 --> 01:17:24,596
MEN ARE SO INSECURE ABOUT
THEIR MASCULINITY.
1968
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:26,076
WHAT PATHETIC
CREATURES WE ARE.
1969
01:17:28,252 --> 01:17:29,949
YOU MUST THINK I'M
A TOTAL FAGGOT, DON'T YOU?
1970
01:17:29,993 --> 01:17:32,735
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
1971
01:17:32,778 --> 01:17:33,997
DID YOU EVER SEE
THE JAMES BOND FLICK,
1972
01:17:34,040 --> 01:17:35,172
THE MAN WITH
THE GOLDEN GUN?
1973
01:17:35,215 --> 01:17:36,695
YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?
1974
01:17:36,739 --> 01:17:38,958
REMEMBER HOW SCARAMANGA
HAD THAT THIRD NIPPLE?
1975
01:17:39,002 --> 01:17:40,481
YEAH, SO?
1976
01:17:40,525 --> 01:17:42,005
IT WAS CALLED
THE SUPERFLUOUS PAPULE.
1977
01:17:42,048 --> 01:17:43,180
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
1978
01:17:43,223 --> 01:17:44,964
AND BOND HAD Q MAKE
A FAKE ONE SO HE COULD
1979
01:17:45,008 --> 01:17:47,184
GET INTO SCARAMANGA'S
HIDEOUT, RIGHT?
1980
01:17:47,227 --> 01:17:49,229
YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.
THE THIRD NIPPLE
1981
01:17:49,273 --> 01:17:51,101
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A SIGN OF SEXUAL VIRILITY.
1982
01:17:51,144 --> 01:17:52,668
ALL RIGHT,
SO MAYBE YOUR PENIS
1983
01:17:52,711 --> 01:17:54,713
DOESN'T MAKE YOU
AN ELEPHANT MAN.
1984
01:17:54,757 --> 01:17:57,194
MAYBE IT MAKES YOU
A SUPERMAN.
1985
01:17:57,237 --> 01:17:59,457
[LAUGHS]
COOL.
1986
01:17:59,500 --> 01:18:00,588
Matt: I HAD LEARNED
SOMETHING
1987
01:18:00,632 --> 01:18:02,329
FROM ROD'S
GROINULAR FIXATION.
1988
01:18:02,373 --> 01:18:04,723
HIS HORROR REALLY WAS
MY HORROR, TOO.
1989
01:18:04,767 --> 01:18:07,247
IT WAS EVERY
MAN'S HORROR.
1990
01:18:07,291 --> 01:18:08,858
DENY IT WE MAY,
1991
01:18:08,901 --> 01:18:10,729
BUT WE ARE ALL
AFRAID OF WOMEN.
1992
01:18:10,773 --> 01:18:12,818
EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF THEM.
1993
01:18:12,862 --> 01:18:14,690
TIME HAD RUN OUT.
1994
01:18:14,733 --> 01:18:16,866
FINALS WERE IN A WEEK.
1995
01:18:16,909 --> 01:18:19,520
SOON, EVERYONE WOULD
BE LEAVING THE DORMS,
1996
01:18:19,564 --> 01:18:21,218
AND NEXT SEMESTER,
SOME WOULD RELOCATE
1997
01:18:21,261 --> 01:18:22,741
TO OFF-CAMPUS HOUSING.
1998
01:18:22,785 --> 01:18:24,351
IF I HAD ANY HOPE
1999
01:18:24,395 --> 01:18:26,266
OF FINDING
MY KISMETIC DESTINY,
2000
01:18:26,310 --> 01:18:28,747
I HAD TO FACE
MY GREATEST FEAR.
2001
01:18:28,791 --> 01:18:31,445
I WENT TO THE VIRGIN VAULT,
2002
01:18:31,489 --> 01:18:35,232
AND I DECLARED MY LOVE
IN FRONT OF 100 GIRLS.
2003
01:18:35,275 --> 01:18:38,409
I'M MATT.
2004
01:18:38,452 --> 01:18:40,019
Matt: I EXPLAINED
EVERYTHING I HAD DONE
2005
01:18:40,063 --> 01:18:41,978
FOR MY KISMETIC DESTINY.
2006
01:18:42,021 --> 01:18:44,850
MY SPEECH MUST BE
MY SISTINE CHAPEL.
2007
01:18:44,894 --> 01:18:47,679
MY NINTH SYMPHONY.
MY CITIZEN KANE.
2008
01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:50,421
MY WORDS NEEDED TO BE
MORE INSPIRATIONAL
2009
01:18:50,464 --> 01:18:52,858
THAN MARTIN LUTHER KING'S
"I HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH.
2010
01:18:52,902 --> 01:18:54,251
THEY HAD
TO BE MORE MIRACULOUS
2011
01:18:54,294 --> 01:18:56,253
THAN MARK McGWIRE'S
70th HOME RUN.
2012
01:18:56,296 --> 01:18:58,908
I USED IMPRESSIVE WORDS
LIKE "DESTINY,"
2013
01:18:58,951 --> 01:19:01,519
"SOULMATE," AND "YEARNS."
2014
01:19:01,562 --> 01:19:03,782
IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO YEARN.
2015
01:19:03,826 --> 01:19:05,871
I POURED MY HEART OUT.
2016
01:19:05,915 --> 01:19:07,307
WITHOUT YOU,
2017
01:19:07,351 --> 01:19:09,701
I'M AS LONELY AS
AN ABANDONED DOG
2018
01:19:09,745 --> 01:19:12,269
ON THE SIDE
OF A HIGHWAY.
2019
01:19:12,312 --> 01:19:14,619
I HAVE GIFT ANXIETY,
EVEN THOUGH
2020
01:19:14,662 --> 01:19:16,839
I DON'T KNOW
WHEN YOUR BIRTHDAY IS.
2021
01:19:16,882 --> 01:19:19,058
WE CAN SPEND PERFECT DAYS
2022
01:19:19,102 --> 01:19:20,494
SHOPPING
AND COOKING TOGETHER.
2023
01:19:20,538 --> 01:19:21,757
[LAUGHS]
I SWEAR
2024
01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:23,106
I'LL NEVER MAKE WISECRACKS
2025
01:19:23,149 --> 01:19:24,585
WHEN YOU SCRAPE YOUR TIRES
AGAINST THE CURB
2026
01:19:24,629 --> 01:19:26,936
WHILE PARALLEL PARKING.
2027
01:19:26,979 --> 01:19:28,024
IF YOU CAN STAND
TO LIVE WITH ME,
2028
01:19:28,067 --> 01:19:29,808
I'LL CLEAN THE TOILET
EVERY WEEK.
2029
01:19:29,852 --> 01:19:31,549
I'LL DO IT WITH MY TONGUE
IF YOU ASK.
2030
01:19:31,592 --> 01:19:33,159
I WILL STRIKE
THE WORDS "HOOTERS"
2031
01:19:33,203 --> 01:19:35,292
AND "LOVE ROCKETS"
FROM MY VOCABULARY.
2032
01:19:35,335 --> 01:19:37,511
I'LL LOVE YOU
2033
01:19:37,555 --> 01:19:38,774
EVEN IF YOUR NAME'S MIMI
2034
01:19:38,817 --> 01:19:41,037
AND YOU WANT ME
TO PRONOUNCE IT MAE MAE.
2035
01:19:41,080 --> 01:19:43,517
I WILL ONLY PASS GAS
UNDERNEATH THE COVERS
2036
01:19:43,561 --> 01:19:46,129
AND ONLY IN THE DIREST
OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
2037
01:19:46,172 --> 01:19:48,958
YOU KNOW, I'LL GO ON
A LOW CHOLESTEROL DIET,
2038
01:19:49,001 --> 01:19:51,003
AND I WON'T BUY ONE
OF THOSE RED SPORTS CARS
2039
01:19:51,047 --> 01:19:52,831
WHEN I HIT
MY MID-LIFE CRISIS.
2040
01:19:52,875 --> 01:19:54,877
YOUR PARENTS CAN COME
VISIT US EVERY WEEK,
2041
01:19:54,920 --> 01:19:56,704
EVEN IF YOUR MOM
IS A BIG WITCH
2042
01:19:56,748 --> 01:19:57,705
WITH A CAPITAL "B."
2043
01:19:57,749 --> 01:19:58,924
YOU KNOW, AND YOUR FOLKS
2044
01:19:58,968 --> 01:20:00,360
DON'T HAVE
TO GO TO A RETIREMENT HOME
2045
01:20:00,404 --> 01:20:02,058
BECAUSE THEY CAN COME
LIVE WITH US.
2046
01:20:02,101 --> 01:20:06,279
I DECLARE, I WILL SEPARATE
THE WHITES FROM THE COLORS.
2047
01:20:06,323 --> 01:20:07,280
I'LL LEARN THE MYSTERIES
2048
01:20:07,324 --> 01:20:09,630
OF HOT WATER
AND COLD WATER WASHES.
2049
01:20:09,674 --> 01:20:10,849
I'LL NEVER HUFF AND PUFF
2050
01:20:10,893 --> 01:20:12,677
WHILE WAITING FOR YOU
TO PUT ON YOUR MAKEUP.
2051
01:20:12,720 --> 01:20:13,983
IF YOU'RE A CAT PERSON,
2052
01:20:14,026 --> 01:20:15,245
I'LL NEVER POINT OUT
THE FACT
2053
01:20:15,288 --> 01:20:16,681
THAT A DOG COULD SAVE
YOUR LIFE FROM DROWNING
2054
01:20:16,724 --> 01:20:18,117
BUT A CAT CAN'T.
2055
01:20:18,161 --> 01:20:19,466
[LAUGHS]
2056
01:20:19,510 --> 01:20:21,773
I WILL HAPPILY GO SEE
CHICK FLICKS WITH YOU
2057
01:20:21,817 --> 01:20:23,296
LIKE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.
2058
01:20:23,340 --> 01:20:25,603
I'LL MAKE A POINT
TO TRY NEW FOODS
2059
01:20:25,646 --> 01:20:27,257
LIKE OKRA GUMBO.
2060
01:20:27,300 --> 01:20:29,302
I WON'T CURL MY NOSE
AT VEGETABLES
2061
01:20:29,346 --> 01:20:30,651
WHOSE AWFUL TASTE
IS DISGUISED
2062
01:20:30,695 --> 01:20:32,566
BY HAVING CHEESE PUT ON IT.
2063
01:20:32,610 --> 01:20:35,221
I PLEDGE TO ALWAYS SAY YES
WHEN YOU ASK
2064
01:20:35,265 --> 01:20:36,832
"IS MY HAIR
LOOKING OK TONIGHT?"
2065
01:20:38,355 --> 01:20:39,791
I'M GONNA BRING
A WHOLE NEW MEANING
2066
01:20:39,835 --> 01:20:40,923
TO THE WORD "CUDDLE."
2067
01:20:40,966 --> 01:20:42,272
I'LL BE THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH
2068
01:20:42,315 --> 01:20:44,404
TO READ YOUR HOROSCOPE
EVERY DAY.
2069
01:20:44,448 --> 01:20:46,929
I'M GONNA SAVE EVERY
BIRTHDAY CARD YOU SEND ME,
2070
01:20:46,972 --> 01:20:48,060
AND I'LL ACTUALLY
WRITE YOU
2071
01:20:48,104 --> 01:20:49,845
REAL LETTERS
WHEN WE'RE APART.
2072
01:20:49,888 --> 01:20:51,498
I'M NEVER GONNA EXPECT YOU
2073
01:20:51,542 --> 01:20:53,283
TO KNOW
WHERE I LEFT MY CAR KEYS,
2074
01:20:53,326 --> 01:20:55,807
AND I'LL NEVER LEAVE
MY SOCKS ON THE FLOOR.
2075
01:20:55,851 --> 01:20:57,765
WITH ME, YOU'LL FIND
2076
01:20:57,809 --> 01:20:59,811
THE CAP IS ALWAYS
ON THE TOOTHPASTE.
2077
01:20:59,855 --> 01:21:01,073
I'LL START WEARING
2078
01:21:01,117 --> 01:21:03,641
THOSE MALE BIKINI
UNDERWEAR IF YOU LIKE.
2079
01:21:03,684 --> 01:21:06,818
MY BELLY BUTTON
WILL ALWAYS BE LINT FREE.
2080
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:10,256
I WANNA FULL ON KISS
YOUR CLITORIS.
2081
01:21:10,300 --> 01:21:12,737
IT'LL BE
THE MOST PASSIONATE,
2082
01:21:12,780 --> 01:21:15,696
INTIMATE EXPERIENCE
YOU'VE EVER HAD.
2083
01:21:15,740 --> 01:21:19,831
I DECLARE NOW I WILL
GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU,
2084
01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:22,138
AND IF YOU
FAIL TO COME TO ME,
2085
01:21:22,181 --> 01:21:25,141
I KNOW SOME PART OF ME
WILL SURELY DIE.
2086
01:21:40,808 --> 01:21:42,027
I'M THE ONE, MATT!
2087
01:21:42,071 --> 01:21:45,422
NO, I'M THE ONE!
2088
01:21:45,465 --> 01:21:48,555
NO, I'M THE GIRL
FROM THE ELEVATOR.
2089
01:21:48,599 --> 01:21:51,080
SHUT UP! I'M THE ONE!
2090
01:21:51,123 --> 01:21:52,908
I'M NOT THE ONE
FROM THE ELEVATOR,
2091
01:21:52,951 --> 01:21:54,561
BUT I'LL GO OUT
WITH YOU!
2092
01:21:54,605 --> 01:21:56,563
Matt: OH, MY GOD.
2093
01:21:56,607 --> 01:21:59,131
I COULD HAVE MY CHOICE
OF ANY GIRL.
2094
01:21:59,175 --> 01:22:02,874
WHOEVER I WANTED
COULD BE THE MYSTERY GIRL.
2095
01:22:02,918 --> 01:22:04,223
[ALL SCREAM]
2096
01:22:06,312 --> 01:22:07,835
I KNEW IT WOULD
EAT ME UP INSIDE
2097
01:22:07,879 --> 01:22:10,273
IF I DIDN'T FIND MY TRUE
KISMETIC DESTINY.
2098
01:22:10,316 --> 01:22:11,970
I WOULD ALWAYS WONDER
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
2099
01:22:15,539 --> 01:22:17,106
IT WAS HER!
2100
01:22:17,149 --> 01:22:18,281
I KNEW IT!
2101
01:22:22,241 --> 01:22:24,548
MY HEART AND MY FEET
RACED TO THE DOOR
2102
01:22:24,591 --> 01:22:26,158
OF THE GIRL WHO NEVER
CAME OUT OF HER ROOM.
2103
01:22:32,034 --> 01:22:35,994
THERE SHE WAS.
MY ONCE AND FUTURE LOVE.
2104
01:22:36,038 --> 01:22:38,562
I'M NOT THE GIRL.
2105
01:22:41,695 --> 01:22:43,654
I THINK SHE'S
A COUPLE DOORS DOWN.
2106
01:22:50,922 --> 01:22:52,054
PATTY, I KNOW IT'S YOU.
2107
01:22:57,973 --> 01:22:59,539
GO AWAY.
2108
01:22:59,583 --> 01:23:01,498
PATTY.
2109
01:23:01,541 --> 01:23:03,021
YOU FELL IN LOVE
2110
01:23:03,065 --> 01:23:05,893
WITH ANOTHER GIRL
IN THAT ELEVATOR.
2111
01:23:05,937 --> 01:23:08,157
I'M NOT THAT GIRL.
2112
01:23:08,200 --> 01:23:10,246
I FELL IN LOVE
WITH YOU.
2113
01:23:10,289 --> 01:23:11,725
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
2114
01:23:11,769 --> 01:23:14,337
I TRIED TO MAKE YOU
FALL IN LOVE WITH ME,
2115
01:23:14,380 --> 01:23:16,643
BUT YOU WERE
IN LOVE WITH HER.
2116
01:23:16,687 --> 01:23:20,082
Matt: WHY DO YOU
THINK THAT?
2117
01:23:20,125 --> 01:23:21,692
BY THE WAY
YOU LOOK AT ME.
2118
01:23:27,480 --> 01:23:29,004
GO AWAY.
2119
01:23:29,047 --> 01:23:31,832
IS THAT WHAT
YOU REALLY WANT?
2120
01:23:31,876 --> 01:23:35,749
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
2121
01:23:35,793 --> 01:23:41,581
♪ NOW, THIS WANDERIN'
2122
01:23:41,625 --> 01:23:48,371
♪ HAS GOT ME NOTHIN'
2123
01:23:48,414 --> 01:23:51,026
HEY, BUCK UP, MAN.
2124
01:23:51,069 --> 01:23:52,157
IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT WEIGHTS
2125
01:23:52,201 --> 01:23:54,594
DANGLIN'
FROM YOUR DANGLER.
2126
01:23:54,638 --> 01:23:56,640
SMILE.
2127
01:23:56,683 --> 01:23:59,773
Matt: IT WASN'T MY DANGLER
THAT HAD WEIGHTS ON IT.
2128
01:23:59,817 --> 01:24:01,819
IT WAS MY HEART.
2129
01:24:01,862 --> 01:24:03,777
[HUMS]
2130
01:24:06,693 --> 01:24:08,478
[LAUGHS]
2131
01:24:12,917 --> 01:24:14,701
HEY, CHECK IT OUT.
2132
01:24:14,745 --> 01:24:16,094
THE BUST GOT BUSTED.
2133
01:24:16,138 --> 01:24:17,791
IT WAS ONLY
MY FIRST TIME.
2134
01:24:17,835 --> 01:24:19,358
I SWEAR. DAD--
2135
01:24:19,402 --> 01:24:21,578
I TOLD HER NOT TO USE
WATER SOLUBLE INK.
2136
01:24:21,621 --> 01:24:22,883
I KNEW HER CHEAT NOTES
2137
01:24:22,927 --> 01:24:24,450
WOULD SWEAT
RIGHT THROUGH.
2138
01:24:24,494 --> 01:24:26,322
AT LEAST
CYNTHIA'S HAVING
2139
01:24:26,365 --> 01:24:28,106
A GOOD ENDING
TO HER SEMESTER.
2140
01:24:28,150 --> 01:24:30,239
SHE FOUND SOMETHING
SHE'S GENUINELY GOOD AT.
2141
01:24:30,282 --> 01:24:31,718
THAT'S
THE DAMNDEST THING.
2142
01:24:31,762 --> 01:24:32,719
THOSE HEAVY
ANTI-CELLULOID PACKS
2143
01:24:32,763 --> 01:24:33,720
REALLY BUILT UP
THE STRENGTH
2144
01:24:33,764 --> 01:24:34,721
IN HER LEGS, YOU KNOW?
2145
01:24:34,765 --> 01:24:35,548
IF YOU WERE AN
ACTUAL ATTACKER...
2146
01:24:40,466 --> 01:24:42,033
IT WOULD LOOK
SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT.
2147
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,817
SHE COULD KICK SOME ASS!
2148
01:24:43,861 --> 01:24:45,732
Matt:
HER JUDO COACH SAYS
2149
01:24:45,776 --> 01:24:46,472
HE'S NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.
2150
01:24:48,170 --> 01:24:50,259
OK, AND THAT CONCLUDES
2151
01:24:50,302 --> 01:24:51,738
THE MARTIAL ARTS
DEMONSTRATION
2152
01:24:51,782 --> 01:24:52,913
FOR THE NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
2153
01:24:52,957 --> 01:24:55,133
[APPLAUSE]GREAT.
2154
01:24:57,353 --> 01:24:58,702
THE LAST DAY OF CLASS,
2155
01:24:58,745 --> 01:25:02,314
I DROPPED THE BOMB ON ELSA,
SHE WOLF OF THE SS.
2156
01:25:02,358 --> 01:25:03,837
MS. STERN,
I'M SICK OF COMING
2157
01:25:03,881 --> 01:25:05,361
INTO YOUR CLASS
3 DAYS A WEEK
2158
01:25:05,404 --> 01:25:07,363
AND BEING TOLD THAT
MY SEX IS RESPONSIBLE
2159
01:25:07,406 --> 01:25:08,973
FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS
IN THE WORLD,
2160
01:25:09,016 --> 01:25:11,323
AND YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE US
ANY ROOM FOR QUESTION.
2161
01:25:11,367 --> 01:25:13,543
I THINK PART OF
THE PROBLEM IS FEMINISTS.
2162
01:25:13,586 --> 01:25:15,849
THERE'S JUST TOO MANY
"ISTS" IN THE WORLD.
2163
01:25:15,893 --> 01:25:18,287
FEMINIST, CHAUVINIST,
CAPITALIST, COMMUNIST,
2164
01:25:18,330 --> 01:25:20,506
RACIST, SEXIST...
2165
01:25:20,550 --> 01:25:22,378
THESE ARE ALL GROUPS
THAT FIGHT ONE ANOTHER
2166
01:25:22,421 --> 01:25:24,641
INSTEAD OF TRYING
TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER.
2167
01:25:24,684 --> 01:25:25,990
I THINK THE ONLY
"ISTS"
2168
01:25:26,033 --> 01:25:27,296
THERE SHOULD BE
ARE HUMANISTS.
2169
01:25:27,339 --> 01:25:29,254
YEAH, I AGREE WITH MATT.
2170
01:25:29,298 --> 01:25:31,778
I APPLAUD HIM.
[APPLAUDS]
2171
01:25:31,822 --> 01:25:34,781
[CLASS APPLAUDS]
2172
01:25:40,047 --> 01:25:41,571
Matt: ELSA
COULDN'T RESPOND.
2173
01:25:41,614 --> 01:25:43,442
SHE JUST STOOD THERE,
AS IF SHE HEARD
2174
01:25:43,486 --> 01:25:45,401
THE DISTANT ROAR
OF THE ALLIED BOMBERS
2175
01:25:45,444 --> 01:25:47,925
COMING TO DESTROY
HER PROPAGANDA MACHINE.
2176
01:25:47,968 --> 01:25:49,883
[ALL APPLAUD, CHEER]
2177
01:25:55,802 --> 01:25:57,761
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
2178
01:25:57,804 --> 01:25:58,892
[KNOCKS]
2179
01:25:58,936 --> 01:26:00,677
Matt: WITHOUT HIS TONGUE,
2180
01:26:00,720 --> 01:26:02,896
CRICK SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS
MENTALLY CHALLENGED,
2181
01:26:02,940 --> 01:26:05,464
AND ALTHOUGH CRICK WOULD NEVER
SWEET TALK A GIRL AGAIN,
2182
01:26:05,508 --> 01:26:07,553
HE STILL NEEDED TO BE
ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS.
2183
01:26:07,597 --> 01:26:08,859
COME ON!
2184
01:26:08,902 --> 01:26:10,513
I MADE THE ULTIMATE
SACRIFICE
2185
01:26:10,556 --> 01:26:12,384
A MAN CAN MAKE TO GET RID
OF CRICK FOREVER.
2186
01:26:12,428 --> 01:26:13,907
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BOTHER HER AGAIN.
2187
01:26:13,951 --> 01:26:16,127
YOU GO TO HELL.
2188
01:26:16,171 --> 01:26:17,476
I'M TURNING YOU IN.
2189
01:26:17,520 --> 01:26:19,130
WHAT FOR?
2190
01:26:19,174 --> 01:26:20,131
Matt: I FOUGHT
THROUGH THE SHAME
2191
01:26:20,175 --> 01:26:21,480
TO BRING OUT THE TRUTH.
2192
01:26:21,524 --> 01:26:24,309
I'M GOING TO THE POLICE.
YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME.
2193
01:26:28,226 --> 01:26:31,055
YOU'LL NEVER
PROVE IT.
2194
01:26:31,098 --> 01:26:33,231
Matt: MY BRAVERY
INSPIRED OTHERS.
2195
01:26:33,275 --> 01:26:35,494
HE DID IT
TO ME, TOO.
2196
01:26:35,538 --> 01:26:36,713
ME, TOO.
2197
01:26:36,756 --> 01:26:38,236
AND ME.
2198
01:26:38,280 --> 01:26:40,020
Matt: TOGETHER,
WE PUT CRICK AWAY.
2199
01:26:46,462 --> 01:26:49,247
Matt: WENDY HAD
A BIG CONFESSION.
2200
01:26:49,291 --> 01:26:51,293
I'M A LESBIAN.
2201
01:26:51,336 --> 01:26:53,295
OOH.
2202
01:26:53,338 --> 01:26:54,296
WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?
2203
01:26:56,515 --> 01:26:59,388
I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT
PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.
2204
01:26:59,431 --> 01:27:01,303
ESPECIALLY
MY PARENTS.
2205
01:27:01,346 --> 01:27:03,392
WELL, WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME NOW?
2206
01:27:03,435 --> 01:27:07,352
I THINK I CAN
DEAL WITH IT NOW.
2207
01:27:07,396 --> 01:27:08,571
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
WHY I INITIALLY
2208
01:27:08,614 --> 01:27:10,964
HELPED YOU
WITH YOUR SEARCH.
2209
01:27:11,008 --> 01:27:12,401
I WAS HOPING THAT
2210
01:27:12,444 --> 01:27:15,273
WHILE YOU WERE OUT
FINDING YOUR GIRL,
2211
01:27:15,317 --> 01:27:17,841
YOU MIGHT
FIND ONE FOR ME.
2212
01:27:17,884 --> 01:27:19,103
[BOTH GIGGLE]
2213
01:27:19,146 --> 01:27:20,931
Matt: SO I FIXED
HER UP WITH ARLENE
2214
01:27:20,974 --> 01:27:22,672
WHO I DISCOVERED
A FEW DAYS AGO
2215
01:27:22,715 --> 01:27:24,978
PRACTICED AN ALTERNATIVE
LIFESTYLE, TOO.
2216
01:27:25,022 --> 01:27:27,720
MMM.
[GIGGLES]
2217
01:27:30,332 --> 01:27:32,116
Matt: IT WAS A BIG WEEK.
2218
01:27:32,159 --> 01:27:34,684
I ALSO FOUND TIME
TO FIX DORA AND ROD UP.
2219
01:27:43,823 --> 01:27:46,957
THEIR NIGHT TOGETHER
WAS ELECTRIFYING,
2220
01:27:47,000 --> 01:27:48,524
AND THEY'VE BEEN
TOGETHER EVER SINCE.
2221
01:28:00,753 --> 01:28:02,712
Matt: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS.
2222
01:28:02,755 --> 01:28:05,889
MAYBE IT WAS THE ROMANTIC
POWER OF CANDLELIGHT,
2223
01:28:05,932 --> 01:28:08,718
BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE IT
ONE LAST TRY.
2224
01:28:22,427 --> 01:28:26,866
♪ I'VE BEEN WATCHIN' YOU
AND ALL YOU DO ♪
2225
01:28:26,910 --> 01:28:30,957
♪ FOR QUITE SOME TIME
2226
01:28:35,222 --> 01:28:39,488
♪ KNOWING ALL THE INS
AND OUTS OF YOU ♪
2227
01:28:39,531 --> 01:28:44,101
♪ I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
WHAT WAS ON YOUR MIND ♪
2228
01:28:47,887 --> 01:28:52,370
♪ BUT ALL THE WORLD
IS SPINNING ROUND AND ROUND ♪
2229
01:28:52,414 --> 01:28:56,026
♪ INSIDE MY HEAD TONIGHT
2230
01:29:01,988 --> 01:29:04,164
Matt: I REMEMBERED
WHAT PATTY TALKED ABOUT.
2231
01:29:04,208 --> 01:29:05,383
THERE'S A CERTAIN WAY
2232
01:29:05,427 --> 01:29:08,908
A MAN STARES
AT THE WOMAN HE LOVES.
2233
01:29:08,952 --> 01:29:11,563
A MAN LOOKS LIKE A BOY
ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
2234
01:29:17,134 --> 01:29:19,919
HE TREATS THE WOMAN
AS IF SHE WERE A GIFT
2235
01:29:19,963 --> 01:29:22,618
HE'S WAITED SO LONG TO OPEN,
2236
01:29:22,661 --> 01:29:25,316
AND NOW, HE CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE WHAT TREASURE IS INSIDE.
2237
01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:31,757
♪ DON'T LET
THIS END TONIGHT ♪
2238
01:29:31,801 --> 01:29:35,108
♪ 'CAUSE I'M STARTIN'
2239
01:29:35,152 --> 01:29:40,723
♪ TO FALL
2240
01:29:40,766 --> 01:29:45,728
♪ SO LET ME IN
2241
01:29:45,771 --> 01:29:51,821
♪ ALL THAT
I WANTED FROM YOU ♪
2242
01:29:51,864 --> 01:29:57,392
♪ WAS SOMETHING
YOU'D NEVER DO ♪
2243
01:29:57,435 --> 01:29:59,829
♪ SO LET ME IN
2244
01:29:59,872 --> 01:30:03,093
♪ OH, PLEASE, TONIGHT
2245
01:30:03,136 --> 01:30:08,533
♪ 'CAUSE I'M STARTIN'
TO FALL ♪
2246
01:30:08,577 --> 01:30:10,013
Girl: LOOK,
THEY GOT TOGETHER.
2247
01:30:10,056 --> 01:30:10,883
IT'S NICE.
2248
01:30:12,450 --> 01:30:15,758
Patty:
OH, SWEET LEAPING JESUS!
2249
01:30:15,801 --> 01:30:18,761
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
2250
01:30:18,804 --> 01:30:21,459
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--
2251
01:30:34,341 --> 01:30:39,477
♪ CAN YOU SEE
WHAT I AM SEEING ♪
2252
01:30:39,521 --> 01:30:42,437
♪ NOW THAT I AM ON MY OWN?
2253
01:30:44,526 --> 01:30:49,008
♪ I CAN'T EXPLAIN
THE WAY I'M FEELING ♪
2254
01:30:49,052 --> 01:30:51,402
♪ I QUESTION EVERYTHING I KNOW
2255
01:30:54,231 --> 01:30:56,712
♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT SHE SAID ♪
2256
01:30:56,755 --> 01:30:59,105
♪ IT WENT STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD
2257
01:30:59,149 --> 01:31:01,586
♪ I'M LACKING INSPIRATION
2258
01:31:01,630 --> 01:31:04,284
♪ WHERE'S MY INSPIRATION?
2259
01:31:04,328 --> 01:31:06,373
♪ I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2260
01:31:06,417 --> 01:31:08,463
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
2261
01:31:08,506 --> 01:31:10,943
♪ I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2262
01:31:10,987 --> 01:31:13,511
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
2263
01:31:13,555 --> 01:31:15,513
♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE
A WORD SHE SAYS TO ME ♪
2264
01:31:18,124 --> 01:31:20,649
♪ IT BRINGS ME CLOSER
TO INSANITY ♪
2265
01:31:22,868 --> 01:31:27,656
♪ WHY CAN'T SHE
JUST UNDERSTAND ♪
2266
01:31:27,699 --> 01:31:29,658
♪ THE THINGS SHE SAYS
COULD KILL A MAN? ♪
2267
01:31:32,574 --> 01:31:34,750
♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT SHE SAID ♪
2268
01:31:34,793 --> 01:31:37,317
♪ IT WENT STRAIGHT
TO MY HEAD ♪
2269
01:31:37,361 --> 01:31:39,319
♪ I'M LACKING INSPIRATION
2270
01:31:39,363 --> 01:31:41,496
♪ WHERE'S MY INSPIRATION?
2271
01:31:41,539 --> 01:31:44,586
♪ I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2272
01:31:44,629 --> 01:31:46,805
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
2273
01:31:46,849 --> 01:31:49,329
♪ I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2274
01:31:49,373 --> 01:31:51,549
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
2275
01:32:01,559 --> 01:32:03,648
♪ OH, I CAN'T TAKE IT
2276
01:32:03,692 --> 01:32:05,911
♪ I'LL NEVER MAKE IT
2277
01:32:05,955 --> 01:32:09,567
♪ THE THINGS SHE SAYS
ARE BRINGING ME DOWN ♪
2278
01:32:20,491 --> 01:32:22,972
♪ I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2279
01:32:23,015 --> 01:32:25,365
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
2280
01:32:25,409 --> 01:32:27,716
♪ I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2281
01:32:27,759 --> 01:32:29,718
♪ NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN ♪
2282
01:32:41,817 --> 01:32:45,472
♪ I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
2283
01:32:45,516 --> 01:32:47,518
♪ YOU TURN YOU HEAD
AND YOU SNEEZE ♪
2284
01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:50,565
♪ WHEN LOVE
WALKS IN THE ROOM ♪
2285
01:32:50,608 --> 01:32:53,132
♪ HOW COULD I KNOW?
2286
01:32:53,176 --> 01:32:54,394
♪ LIKE LOOKING FOR THE SUN
2287
01:32:54,438 --> 01:32:56,135
♪ AND IT FINALLY SHOWS
WE'RE DRESSED ♪
2288
01:32:56,179 --> 01:32:57,659
♪ IN SHADOWS
2289
01:32:57,702 --> 01:32:59,399
♪ MUST BE 100 GIRLS
2290
01:32:59,443 --> 01:33:02,577
♪ BUT I ONLY NEED ONE
2291
01:33:02,620 --> 01:33:04,579
♪ I KNOW THERE'S
A MILLION STARS ♪
2292
01:33:04,622 --> 01:33:07,843
♪ BUT I ONLY SEE ONE
2293
01:33:07,886 --> 01:33:09,540
♪ DREAM ME A THOUSAND DREAMS
2294
01:33:09,584 --> 01:33:12,630
♪ IF THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
2295
01:33:16,547 --> 01:33:19,028
♪ IN SHADOWS
2296
01:33:21,770 --> 01:33:24,555
♪ IN SHADOWS
2297
01:33:27,123 --> 01:33:29,255
♪ IN SHADOWS
2298
01:33:31,127 --> 01:33:32,650
♪ THERE MUST BE 100 GIRLS
2299
01:33:32,694 --> 01:33:36,175
♪ BUT I ONLY NEED ONE
2300
01:33:36,219 --> 01:33:37,742
♪ I KNOW THERE'S
A MILLION STARS ♪
2301
01:33:37,786 --> 01:33:41,267
♪ BUT I ONLY SEE ONE
2302
01:33:41,311 --> 01:33:42,704
♪ THERE MUST BE 100 GIRLS
2303
01:33:42,747 --> 01:33:46,577
♪ BUT I ONLY NEED ONE
2304
01:33:46,621 --> 01:33:47,970
♪ I KNOW THERE'S
A MILLION STARS ♪
2305
01:33:48,013 --> 01:33:50,059
♪ BUT I ONLY SEE ONE
2306
01:33:50,102 --> 01:33:52,409
♪ IN SHADOWS
2307
01:33:55,194 --> 01:33:57,762
♪ IN SHADOWS
2308
01:34:00,199 --> 01:34:03,812
♪ IN SHADOWS
2309
01:34:03,855 --> 01:34:05,814
♪ IF THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
160523
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