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1
00:00:17,916 --> 00:00:20,250
["Express Yourself"
by Madonna playing]
2
00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:30,415
Push, push, push!
3
00:00:30,416 --> 00:00:33,999
I can't do it! It hurts!
I hate you, bitch!
4
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:34,915
Hey!
5
00:00:34,916 --> 00:00:39,332
Sorry, but the expectant mother often
lashes out at her support system.
6
00:00:39,333 --> 00:00:41,665
Lainy, why do we have
to play "mom" every day?
7
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:43,749
I don't even want to be a mom.
8
00:00:43,750 --> 00:00:45,540
Never say that, Kate.
9
00:00:45,541 --> 00:00:49,499
Being a mom is the greatest
thing a human being can do.
10
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:51,874
And someday, when
we do it for real,
11
00:00:51,875 --> 00:00:53,749
we're gonna have to be
there for each other.
12
00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,165
- Because our moms are dead.
- Mm-hmm.
13
00:00:56,166 --> 00:00:58,958
Now hold my hand! I'm crowning!
14
00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:01,165
[screaming]
15
00:01:01,166 --> 00:01:03,249
["Manhattan" by
Cat Power playing]
16
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,915
♪ The hotel above and the
street below People come... ♪
17
00:01:05,916 --> 00:01:08,665
[line ringing]
18
00:01:08,666 --> 00:01:11,166
[yawns]
19
00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:15,165
Lainy, did you call
me just to yawn?
20
00:01:15,166 --> 00:01:17,541
Kate, I can't dictate
what my body needs.
21
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,374
But you really think
it's happening today?
22
00:01:20,375 --> 00:01:21,415
[Kate] Are you serious?
23
00:01:21,416 --> 00:01:24,999
He's taking you to a fancy
restaurant on your anniversary.
24
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,582
- He's going to propose!
- [squeals excitedly]
25
00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:31,374
I mean, he said he has something very
special to ask you. It's happening.
26
00:01:31,375 --> 00:01:33,957
Oh, gosh! I can't handle it.
27
00:01:33,958 --> 00:01:36,624
Okay, so you really
think today is the day?
28
00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:38,374
I know today is the day.
29
00:01:38,375 --> 00:01:41,207
And today is also the day
that I find a gray pube,
30
00:01:41,208 --> 00:01:43,207
because I just found
a gray pube. Wow.
31
00:01:43,208 --> 00:01:44,290
Ooh, can I see?
32
00:01:44,291 --> 00:01:46,165
- Get the hell out of here!
- Okay. All right.
33
00:01:46,166 --> 00:01:47,915
It'll make your bush look wiser.
34
00:01:47,916 --> 00:01:50,707
[Kate] Now this thing is going to
look like Steve Martin by the summer.
35
00:01:50,708 --> 00:01:55,500
Goddammit. Mark, where are my tweezers
that are supposed to be just for me?
36
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,166
- [grunts]
- [Kate] Oh, God, are you okay?
37
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:02,290
All good. That's why I
leave the pillows there.
38
00:02:02,291 --> 00:02:06,207
Found it. Sorry about that.
Had a nasty-ass ingrown.
39
00:02:06,208 --> 00:02:08,040
- Get out.
- Okay.
40
00:02:08,041 --> 00:02:10,082
- Goddammit.
- [door closes]
41
00:02:10,083 --> 00:02:11,415
Are you going to say yes?
42
00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:12,915
Uh, yes.
43
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:14,249
Yeah, marriage!
44
00:02:14,250 --> 00:02:16,957
I've been waiting for
this moment for so long.
45
00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:18,250
Honey, it's happening.
46
00:02:20,083 --> 00:02:21,332
Do I have a mustache?
47
00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:22,791
No, you're insane.
48
00:02:23,375 --> 00:02:25,540
No, do I have a
fucking mustache?
49
00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:27,499
I love you so much.
I'll see you at school.
50
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,250
- Bye.
- Hey, do I have a fucking mustache?
51
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,999
Oh my God, Mark? Mark?
52
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,250
[Mark] Yeah?
53
00:02:41,375 --> 00:02:43,457
Oh, this time you
don't come in. Come in!
54
00:02:43,458 --> 00:02:44,624
[Mark] Okay. Just...
55
00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:46,500
[uplifting music playing]
56
00:02:48,208 --> 00:02:49,165
Oh...
57
00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:50,791
Oh, babe.
58
00:02:51,875 --> 00:02:53,790
- Oh my God.
- We're having a baby.
59
00:02:53,791 --> 00:02:55,208
We're gonna have a baby.
60
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,375
Why is it wet?
61
00:02:58,041 --> 00:02:59,750
It's piss, Mark.
62
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:06,874
{\an8}"Oh, Romeo! Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
63
00:03:06,875 --> 00:03:07,957
{\an8}[whimsical music playing]
64
00:03:07,958 --> 00:03:11,124
{\an8}"Deny thy father
and refuse thy name,
65
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:13,290
{\an8}or if thou wilt not,
66
00:03:13,291 --> 00:03:15,124
be but sworn, my love,
67
00:03:15,125 --> 00:03:18,540
I'll no longer be a Capulet."
68
00:03:18,541 --> 00:03:19,916
Ms. Newton...
69
00:03:20,708 --> 00:03:23,540
I'm unbelievably
uncomfortable right now.
70
00:03:23,541 --> 00:03:26,790
Okay. Thank you for
expressing that to me, Brett.
71
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:28,499
Go ahead, take your seat.
72
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,833
Now, does everyone understand
73
00:03:32,875 --> 00:03:36,040
what's happening in
this masterful text?
74
00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:39,457
Yeah, Juliet's trying to smash.
75
00:03:39,458 --> 00:03:40,874
[students laughing]
76
00:03:40,875 --> 00:03:44,207
Yes. Very funny, Liam. That
is one way of looking at it.
77
00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:46,125
But it's more pure than that.
78
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:51,457
These two people are in love,
and that's how you all got here.
79
00:03:51,458 --> 00:03:53,125
Your parents fell in love,
80
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,458
and then you gave them the
greatest gift of all...
81
00:03:57,166 --> 00:03:59,375
when you made them
mommies and daddies.
82
00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:01,750
You have a mustache.
83
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:03,499
[whispering] I knew it.
84
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:04,832
[inhaling, smacking lips]
85
00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:06,915
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Oh!
86
00:04:06,916 --> 00:04:09,875
Everyone, work on
your summaries, okay?
87
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:15,540
Hi.
88
00:04:15,541 --> 00:04:17,582
[Dave] Hey, smoke show,
I left my watch at home.
89
00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:19,249
Mind grabbing it on
the way to dinner?
90
00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:21,915
Makes everything else I'm wearing
look a little better, you know?
91
00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:24,083
Sure, I can grab it.
92
00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:27,207
Sounds like you want to look
really sharp for tonight.
93
00:04:27,208 --> 00:04:28,582
I gotta look good for you, babe.
94
00:04:28,583 --> 00:04:30,665
Thanks for getting the
watch. I'll see you tonight.
95
00:04:30,666 --> 00:04:31,666
You got it. Bye.
96
00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:35,250
You look happy. I don't like it.
97
00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:37,874
I think Dave's popping
the question tonight.
98
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:39,540
Ooh!
99
00:04:39,541 --> 00:04:42,040
I guess I can free myself
up to be maid of honor.
100
00:04:42,041 --> 00:04:43,749
I can't do weekends, though.
101
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,249
Yeah. I don't know if you'll
have to worry about that.
102
00:04:46,250 --> 00:04:47,749
What are you doing here?
103
00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:50,040
I'm a guidance counselor,
so I'm guiding.
104
00:04:50,041 --> 00:04:52,000
A lot of lost souls
in this school.
105
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,249
If it wasn't for me,
it would be a shitshow.
106
00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:56,416
Hey!
107
00:04:57,625 --> 00:04:58,874
Where were you?
108
00:04:58,875 --> 00:05:01,791
[sniffs] You smell like
cocaine. I'll be back.
109
00:05:02,541 --> 00:05:04,165
We can talk about dresses later.
110
00:05:04,166 --> 00:05:07,000
What have you got in your
locker? Eight ball, nine ball?
111
00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:12,541
♪ Do it, baby, do
what I should think ♪
112
00:05:13,375 --> 00:05:15,916
{\an8}["Million Dollar Baby"
by Tommy Richman playing]
113
00:05:16,791 --> 00:05:19,375
♪ Do it, baby, do
what I should think ♪
114
00:05:19,958 --> 00:05:22,332
♪ Do it, baby, do
what I could think ♪
115
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:24,583
♪ I ain't never
rep a set, baby ♪
116
00:05:25,208 --> 00:05:26,624
♪ Ain't do no wrong ♪
117
00:05:26,625 --> 00:05:29,041
Wait till I decorate this place.
118
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:32,665
♪ 'Cause I want to
make it, so badly... ♪
119
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,666
Ah!
120
00:05:34,291 --> 00:05:35,790
There you are.
121
00:05:35,791 --> 00:05:38,582
- ♪ Don't at me ♪
- ♪ Hell no ♪
122
00:05:38,583 --> 00:05:41,875
♪ You rep my city
for so damn long ♪
123
00:05:42,583 --> 00:05:43,833
[chuckles excitedly]
124
00:05:44,708 --> 00:05:46,500
Oh, Dave.
125
00:05:47,666 --> 00:05:50,082
Size four? I love
that you think that.
126
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,875
♪ Do it, baby, do
what I should think ♪
127
00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:56,458
♪ Do it, baby, do
what I could think ♪
128
00:05:57,083 --> 00:05:58,250
Gosh.
129
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,665
["Chemicals" by
SG Lewis playing]
130
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,916
[people chattering indistinctly]
131
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:25,125
[chuckles] Sorry. Hi.
132
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,000
Don't get up.
133
00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:30,833
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
134
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:33,624
[both chuckling]
135
00:06:33,625 --> 00:06:36,708
Did you see I had a little
stumble on the stairs?
136
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:38,457
A stumble?
137
00:06:38,458 --> 00:06:39,624
[chuckles]
138
00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:41,916
I think that girl tripped me.
139
00:06:42,875 --> 00:06:45,290
You look nice. I like the dress.
140
00:06:45,291 --> 00:06:47,541
Well, thank you.
I'm a little tight.
141
00:06:48,416 --> 00:06:50,540
I feel like I'm breathing
through a straw.
142
00:06:50,541 --> 00:06:53,541
But we're all going to end
up that way someday, right?
143
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:57,666
I'm just joking about
getting old and dying.
144
00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:00,291
Let's order.
145
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,333
Showtime.
146
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,749
So, anyway, um...
147
00:07:09,750 --> 00:07:13,415
- Four years, me and you, long-ass time.
- [Lainy chuckles excitedly]
148
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:14,707
You're telling me.
149
00:07:14,708 --> 00:07:16,707
And I was thinking to myself,
150
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:19,250
"Dave, it's time to
level this shit up."
151
00:07:20,291 --> 00:07:21,832
- Yeah, level it up.
- [Dave] Right?
152
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:23,165
The champagne you ordered, sir.
153
00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:25,040
I got it, thanks.
You guys can go.
154
00:07:25,041 --> 00:07:28,707
We're in the middle of something
really important. [chuckling]
155
00:07:28,708 --> 00:07:30,083
Let's go.
156
00:07:30,666 --> 00:07:35,416
Lainy... [clears throat] ...I want
you to make me the luckiest man alive.
157
00:07:35,916 --> 00:07:37,207
Bon appétit.
158
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,208
[Lainy] Oh my God.
It's beautiful.
159
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:42,666
This is it, right? It's here?
160
00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:44,416
Aw...
161
00:07:45,291 --> 00:07:46,790
Where you at?
162
00:07:46,791 --> 00:07:48,874
What the... What are you doing?
163
00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:50,290
I am... I...
164
00:07:50,291 --> 00:07:52,624
[chuckles] Sorry, I thought...
165
00:07:52,625 --> 00:07:54,665
Um... I'm just really nervous,
166
00:07:54,666 --> 00:07:57,375
but say what you were saying,
don't worry about this.
167
00:07:58,250 --> 00:07:59,290
Lainy...
168
00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:00,666
[dramatic music playing]
169
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:02,458
I want us...
170
00:08:05,666 --> 00:08:07,249
to have a threesome.
171
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:08,583
[music fades]
172
00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:10,874
Uh, a what what?
173
00:08:10,875 --> 00:08:12,041
A threesome.
174
00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,290
Look, babe, our
relationship is strong.
175
00:08:14,291 --> 00:08:15,707
Let's open it up, right?
176
00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:17,499
Oh, uh, this is Moira.
177
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:20,791
Hi! Davey's told me
so much about you.
178
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,708
Oh, it's my dress. I knew
I left it over there.
179
00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:27,749
What the fuck, Dave? I thought
you wanted to get married.
180
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:29,833
Lainy, come on.
181
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,124
You can't have a
threesome with your wife.
182
00:08:32,125 --> 00:08:34,332
- That's weird, right?
- Yeah, that's gross.
183
00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:36,415
[Dave] Wife, weird.
Girlfriend, cool.
184
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,249
Anyway, I'm going to
pay for this check.
185
00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:39,957
We'll go back to my apartment,
186
00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:42,790
chisel you out of that
dress, and see what happens.
187
00:08:42,791 --> 00:08:44,958
[screams]
188
00:08:45,708 --> 00:08:48,166
Lainy, what the fuck?
189
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,332
[sobbing loudly]
190
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:53,166
Lainy, you are causing a scene.
191
00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:57,208
You want a scene?
You want a scene!
192
00:08:57,708 --> 00:08:59,916
[screaming]
193
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,540
I'll show you a fucking
scene! You want a scene?
194
00:09:04,541 --> 00:09:07,624
Here's a scene coming
at you and your dress!
195
00:09:07,625 --> 00:09:08,958
Fuck you!
196
00:09:09,833 --> 00:09:10,665
Lainy.
197
00:09:10,666 --> 00:09:12,375
I didn't really eat dinner.
198
00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:15,083
[Dave] Lainy!
199
00:09:15,666 --> 00:09:17,249
This food sucks.
200
00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:19,500
- [Dave] It doesn't have to be Moira!
- [sobs]
201
00:09:20,791 --> 00:09:22,250
[music fades]
202
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:33,166
- [student] Ms. Newton?
- What?
203
00:09:33,916 --> 00:09:35,708
Do you want me to
hand out the quizzes?
204
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:42,208
No.
205
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,833
It's going to be an oral exam.
206
00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:48,625
[student] What?
207
00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:52,749
I'm assuming you're
all familiar with oral.
208
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,165
Little perverts.
209
00:09:54,166 --> 00:09:56,125
[breathing deeply, exhaling]
210
00:09:56,625 --> 00:09:57,625
Brett.
211
00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:01,332
What is Romeo and Juliet about?
212
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:03,707
Oh, um, it's a
beautiful love story.
213
00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:05,790
[mimicking buzzer]
214
00:10:05,791 --> 00:10:07,332
Wrong answer.
215
00:10:07,333 --> 00:10:09,374
Boo. Everyone boo Brett.
216
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,707
[students hesitantly] Boo.
217
00:10:11,708 --> 00:10:14,790
- Really "boo" him.
- [louder] Boo!
218
00:10:14,791 --> 00:10:17,458
Boo! Very naive.
219
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,624
Who was it?
220
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,249
Ah! Liam.
221
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:26,999
Yes. Liam, will you remind us, what
is Romeo and Juliet really about?
222
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,290
Romeo just wants a piece?
223
00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:31,957
Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding!
224
00:10:31,958 --> 00:10:32,874
Right answer!
225
00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:36,957
Tell him what he's won! A big
fat dose of reality, kids.
226
00:10:36,958 --> 00:10:38,415
Because guess what?
227
00:10:38,416 --> 00:10:41,624
Romeo doesn't just
want Juliet. No!
228
00:10:41,625 --> 00:10:45,290
Romeo wants pussy from
all over fair Verona.
229
00:10:45,291 --> 00:10:48,207
And he wants a fucking
threesome with Moira?
230
00:10:48,208 --> 00:10:51,208
Have you ever heard
of Moira? [grunts]
231
00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:52,999
What's a threesome?
232
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,374
A threesome? Glad
you asked this.
233
00:10:55,375 --> 00:10:58,624
Okay, everybody take notes,
because this is important.
234
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:02,541
Get out your phone calculators and
whatever else the fuck you want.
235
00:11:03,958 --> 00:11:08,041
A threesome is when
three people...
236
00:11:09,833 --> 00:11:14,499
do what only two
people should do.
237
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:15,915
Like a seesaw?
238
00:11:15,916 --> 00:11:18,124
- Exactly like a seesaw!
- [gasping]
239
00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:20,415
You know what? Pass
your books to the front.
240
00:11:20,416 --> 00:11:22,874
Everybody pass copies of
your books to the front.
241
00:11:22,875 --> 00:11:26,290
Come on, I don't have all day.
Come on, give me the fucking books!
242
00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:28,415
Let's go, let's go, come on!
243
00:11:28,416 --> 00:11:29,958
- Hurry up!
- I'm scared.
244
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:35,125
Is this about your mustache?
'Cause it looks a lot better.
245
00:11:38,708 --> 00:11:41,082
This isn't about my mustache.
246
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:44,875
This is about the fact
that Shakespeare...
247
00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,000
is dog shit.
248
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,458
And love...
249
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:53,000
is a fucking lie.
250
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:01,833
[fire crackling]
251
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,708
[blowing]
252
00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:09,625
["A N X I E T Y" by
Sleepy Hallow playing]
253
00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:13,500
Um, Ms. Newton, should
we evacuate the school?
254
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,499
Mm-hmm.
255
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:18,332
♪ Look, shit got me tripping
Fighting with my demons... ♪
256
00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:22,290
Stay away from the fire.
We're not sure how it got lit.
257
00:12:22,291 --> 00:12:23,874
We'll get to the bottom of it.
258
00:12:23,875 --> 00:12:27,540
- [fire alarm ringing]
- Get out, kids! We're gonna die! Get out!
259
00:12:27,541 --> 00:12:30,415
I don't want to burn
to death! Get out!
260
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,749
♪ It don't come with a coupon ♪
261
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,124
♪ And they'll never catch it
Like a ♪♪♪♪♪ with no arms ♪
262
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:36,415
♪ Baby, I'm trippin' My
feelings been fryin' me ♪
263
00:12:36,416 --> 00:12:38,707
♪ I blame it all on anxiety
I had two chops... ♪
264
00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:41,624
[woman] All right, guys,
come on. Hurry up, let's go.
265
00:12:41,625 --> 00:12:43,582
♪ They showing real
love That's unlikely ♪
266
00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,207
♪ Fuck you, I ain't
ask you to like me ♪
267
00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:47,790
♪ Watch for that snake, he might
bite me Watch out for anybody... ♪
268
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:50,583
Excuse me. Sorry.
Everyone, stay warm.
269
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,583
Stay calm.
270
00:12:54,791 --> 00:12:56,291
Okay. Excuse me.
271
00:12:57,041 --> 00:12:59,040
[siren wailing]
272
00:12:59,041 --> 00:13:00,707
♪ Anxiety, keep on trying me ♪
273
00:13:00,708 --> 00:13:02,457
♪ Feel it quietly ♪
274
00:13:02,458 --> 00:13:04,125
♪ Tryna silence me, yeah ♪
275
00:13:04,708 --> 00:13:05,582
♪ Anxiety... ♪
276
00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:06,916
[chattering indistinctly]
277
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,999
♪ Somebody's watching me... ♪
278
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:10,957
Hi.
279
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,749
[song fades]
280
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,707
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
281
00:13:15,708 --> 00:13:17,124
It's not your fault.
282
00:13:17,125 --> 00:13:18,166
[Kate] Look at me.
283
00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:21,499
You are the moon. And the stars.
284
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,707
And he is a dirty diaper.
285
00:13:24,708 --> 00:13:28,625
A tampon landfill monster.
286
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,040
I just thought he was the one.
287
00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:32,624
You know, like the one, one.
288
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:33,708
Fuck Dave.
289
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,375
You don't need him or any guy.
290
00:13:37,291 --> 00:13:38,915
I want a family.
291
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:40,165
That's my dream.
292
00:13:40,166 --> 00:13:43,082
You will have that
dream. Anyone can.
293
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,624
Anyone except for me,
294
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:50,999
because Dave wants to explore
new vagina holes and butt holes.
295
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,582
What about my holes?
296
00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:54,999
My holes aren't good enough
to shit a baby out of?
297
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,082
Okay, can you stop saying holes?
298
00:13:57,083 --> 00:14:00,374
Sorry, it's just thinking
about a baby's thick head
299
00:14:00,375 --> 00:14:02,415
coming out of my hole
is just too much.
300
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,583
I can't take that right
now. Oh, thank you.
301
00:14:05,416 --> 00:14:06,416
[Kate sighing]
302
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:10,540
You're not drinking.
You look like shit.
303
00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:13,625
You don't want to talk about
holes. Are you fucking pregnant?
304
00:14:17,708 --> 00:14:19,415
- No!
- No?
305
00:14:19,416 --> 00:14:21,374
No! Get rid of it!
306
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:22,499
What?
307
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,749
No, I'm sorry. I don't
know why I said that.
308
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:25,874
I'm sorry. God.
309
00:14:25,875 --> 00:14:29,124
I just... I thought that
I would have a baby first
310
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:31,832
and you would wait too
long and, you know,
311
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:34,249
try and adopt and that
wouldn't really pan out
312
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:37,457
and you would just get some
weird pet, like, off-brand,
313
00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:39,707
like a ferret or some
shit. I don't know.
314
00:14:39,708 --> 00:14:41,707
[sobs] But I'm so happy for you.
315
00:14:41,708 --> 00:14:42,832
A baby?
316
00:14:42,833 --> 00:14:44,166
[chuckles]
317
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,707
Lainy, I didn't want
to tell you right now.
318
00:14:47,708 --> 00:14:48,874
Please don't be mad.
319
00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:51,249
Stop! Why would I be mad at you?
320
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,165
A baby. I'm so happy for you.
321
00:14:53,166 --> 00:14:54,500
Well, I mean...
322
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:57,999
Yes, but you just demanded
I have an abortion.
323
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,665
This is terrible timing. I
thought that you would be engaged
324
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:02,957
and I'd be pregnant and
it'd be so nice, but I...
325
00:15:02,958 --> 00:15:04,832
No, it's fine. It is nice.
326
00:15:04,833 --> 00:15:06,166
It's amazing.
327
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,375
You're having a baby.
328
00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:11,790
I know. It's so weird.
329
00:15:11,791 --> 00:15:13,165
So crazy.
330
00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:15,040
[both chuckling]
331
00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:17,374
Thank you for knowing I
was gonna need to eat.
332
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:18,665
Yeah, I knew.
333
00:15:18,666 --> 00:15:20,083
[instruments tuning]
334
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:24,541
To just celebrating you and
not thinking about Dave.
335
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,290
[man] Hi, I'm Dave, and
we're the Threesomes.
336
00:15:28,291 --> 00:15:31,957
This is the first song off
our debut album, Threesome.
337
00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:33,499
It's called "Threesome."
338
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,958
[jazz music playing]
339
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:45,374
[Kate] Are you sure you're
all good to be here today?
340
00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:46,374
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
341
00:15:46,375 --> 00:15:48,458
I'm, uh, fine.
342
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:52,082
Being at work is the best
thing for me right now.
343
00:15:52,083 --> 00:15:53,874
Why would you want
a family anyway
344
00:15:53,875 --> 00:15:56,915
when you're working with these
bleeding hemorrhoids all day?
345
00:15:56,916 --> 00:15:57,957
You heard me, Liam.
346
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,790
You're the only
teacher who can't swim.
347
00:15:59,791 --> 00:16:01,124
Lots of people can't swim.
348
00:16:01,125 --> 00:16:02,999
I'm gonna fuck his dad,
become his stepmom,
349
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,207
and put him up for adoption.
350
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:05,874
We're not supposed
to threaten them.
351
00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:08,624
Lanes, this is me. You got
this, bitch. You're the GOAT.
352
00:16:08,625 --> 00:16:11,040
Don't talk like that
in front of the baby.
353
00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:13,290
It's not even a baby
yet, it's just an embryo.
354
00:16:13,291 --> 00:16:15,832
It's not even an embryo,
it's just fermenting cum.
355
00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:17,915
It's just sitting in
there like... [warbles]
356
00:16:17,916 --> 00:16:21,249
Thank you so much for
that visual today.
357
00:16:21,250 --> 00:16:24,207
Ha! Golden Girls, Golden Girls.
358
00:16:24,208 --> 00:16:27,165
Wow. How do you even know that
show? Aren't you too young?
359
00:16:27,166 --> 00:16:30,040
No, I looked up older lady references
so I could connect with you guys,
360
00:16:30,041 --> 00:16:31,707
my senior coworkers.
361
00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:33,832
Now, let me see the hand.
362
00:16:33,833 --> 00:16:36,207
I need to go live with
this to show my followers.
363
00:16:36,208 --> 00:16:38,625
- No, you don't need to see my hand.
- Let me see. Stop.
364
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,290
Okay.
365
00:16:42,291 --> 00:16:44,082
- Oh, no.
- No, it's good.
366
00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:45,749
{\an8}Looks like I got some bad intel.
367
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,332
{\an8}No, it's actually really good.
368
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:50,332
I decided I wasn't
ready to settle down.
369
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:52,166
Really? At your age, honey?
370
00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:55,791
Because aren't you in
your, like... [gags]
371
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,000
forties?
372
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:00,832
- Yes, I am. Are you okay?
- [gags]
373
00:17:00,833 --> 00:17:03,415
- I'm so sorry.
- It's fine. Please.
374
00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:04,625
- Okay.
- Okay.
375
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:07,165
God, I hate her.
376
00:17:07,166 --> 00:17:08,290
She's the worst.
377
00:17:08,291 --> 00:17:09,624
[techno music playing]
378
00:17:09,625 --> 00:17:12,833
It's like, look at that.
She's a teacher of children.
379
00:17:14,708 --> 00:17:16,499
Are you allowed
to smoke in here?
380
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:17,750
Yeah, it's just pot.
381
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:24,082
Can you believe that
tarantula's gonna be a mother?
382
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:25,582
Shirley's pregnant?
383
00:17:25,583 --> 00:17:26,625
Yeah.
384
00:17:27,166 --> 00:17:29,374
Her and Kate will be
together all the time,
385
00:17:29,375 --> 00:17:31,833
which frees us up to
work on our friendship.
386
00:17:33,583 --> 00:17:37,249
[Shirley] One, two. One, two.
One, five, six, seven, eight.
387
00:17:37,250 --> 00:17:38,958
[somber music playing]
388
00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:44,500
[Lainy sighing]
389
00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:47,082
No, no, no.
390
00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:48,791
Oh, God. Would you talk to me?
391
00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,457
Please.
392
00:17:50,458 --> 00:17:52,290
- Hi!
- Would you just talk to me?
393
00:17:52,291 --> 00:17:55,040
Lainy. Oh, my God, what
are you doing here?
394
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:58,290
- Oh, getting coffee. It's a coffee shop.
- You okay?
395
00:17:58,291 --> 00:17:59,999
- I'm good.
- Want to talk about it?
396
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:00,915
- Nope.
- Chin up.
397
00:18:00,916 --> 00:18:02,874
- Okay, please get off of me.
- My God, sad outfit.
398
00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:06,000
I'm just catching up with a good
friend, so I can't really talk.
399
00:18:06,625 --> 00:18:07,707
Who's this?
400
00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:08,708
Um...
401
00:18:09,625 --> 00:18:10,582
Latte.
402
00:18:10,583 --> 00:18:12,541
- His name's Latte?
- Yeah.
403
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:17,708
Yeah. It's, you know, just
spelled like latte. [chuckling]
404
00:18:18,291 --> 00:18:19,207
Would you please?
405
00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:21,040
I did not know you were
such a little slut.
406
00:18:21,041 --> 00:18:23,540
- Okay. Please.
- I love this for you. So proud.
407
00:18:23,541 --> 00:18:24,749
[Lainy] Okay. Thank you.
408
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,999
No, I don't... want to do this.
409
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,207
Can I use your bathroom?
410
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:30,874
- [man] Yeah. Right there.
- Oh, God.
411
00:18:30,875 --> 00:18:32,082
She stresses me out.
412
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:34,250
Sorry, I work with
her. She's the worst.
413
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,915
She's always just, like,
talking to me, you know?
414
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:41,332
Kind of like, I guess, what
I'm doing to you right now.
415
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:43,749
Well, you gotta pay that
stuff forward, right?
416
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,291
[chuckles]
417
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,250
Wait a second.
418
00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:48,749
Old Navy?
419
00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:52,208
Oh my gosh. This
is really amazing.
420
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:54,208
Are you my mirror?
421
00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:59,582
- No, it's not good.
- We got to work on our mirror work.
422
00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:01,665
Look, I don't want to upset you,
423
00:19:01,666 --> 00:19:05,665
but Old Navy is in no way
affiliated with the Navy.
424
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,874
- What?
- I know, I'm so sorry.
425
00:19:07,875 --> 00:19:09,665
- Oh, no.
- Somebody had to tell you.
426
00:19:09,666 --> 00:19:11,125
You're old enough to know now.
427
00:19:11,708 --> 00:19:15,124
I have to stop thanking all their
employees for their service.
428
00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:16,957
Yeah, and applying for
veterans' benefits.
429
00:19:16,958 --> 00:19:17,915
[chuckles]
430
00:19:17,916 --> 00:19:19,374
What is your name again?
431
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,457
My name is Latte.
432
00:19:20,458 --> 00:19:23,582
- No, stop. What was your real name?
- My name is Josh.
433
00:19:23,583 --> 00:19:25,500
- Josh? [chuckling]
- Yeah.
434
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,081
- Well...
- [clears throat]
435
00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:31,040
Black cold brew for Josh.
436
00:19:31,041 --> 00:19:33,165
- That's me.
- Cold brew in the winter?
437
00:19:33,166 --> 00:19:35,582
- And...
- You don't have to say it. I'm right here.
438
00:19:35,583 --> 00:19:37,540
- You don't...
- Kid's hot chocolate with...
439
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,665
a crazy-slash-ridiculous
amount of whipped cream.
440
00:19:39,666 --> 00:19:42,082
So much whipped cream that
it's pretty much a milkshake.
441
00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:43,291
For Sasha Fierce.
442
00:19:43,875 --> 00:19:45,916
- Wow.
- Thank you. Very thorough.
443
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,624
You can give them
any name you want.
444
00:19:48,625 --> 00:19:50,124
I'm trying to live out loud.
445
00:19:50,125 --> 00:19:52,540
- Well, that's deafening.
- Yeah.
446
00:19:52,541 --> 00:19:54,040
- Yeah.
- [chill music playing]
447
00:19:54,041 --> 00:19:56,124
All right. I'm going
this way, which...
448
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:57,790
- I'm over here.
- All right.
449
00:19:57,791 --> 00:19:59,415
- Have a nice day.
- You too.
450
00:19:59,416 --> 00:20:01,250
See you when we're
both swabbing the deck.
451
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:02,958
What's that?
452
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:07,624
I was going for another
Old Navy... bit.
453
00:20:07,625 --> 00:20:10,124
Oh, yeah. Uh, anchors
away. Land ho!
454
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,458
What'd you call me?
455
00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:15,333
Oh! Sorry. Land
sophisticated lady.
456
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:18,749
Bye, Latte.
457
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:19,916
Ms. Fierce.
458
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:28,665
[music fades]
459
00:20:28,666 --> 00:20:31,499
Everything's so soft here.
460
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,583
I know.
461
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,791
Oh, God, these mannequins
are really freaking me out.
462
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,500
That's what you're
going to look like.
463
00:20:39,583 --> 00:20:41,374
I'm with child.
464
00:20:41,375 --> 00:20:42,999
- Sanpellegrino.
- Thank you.
465
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,166
Thank you.
466
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:48,915
Man, my boobs really hurt.
467
00:20:48,916 --> 00:20:50,124
- Really?
- Yeah.
468
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:52,374
And I can't stop puking.
469
00:20:52,375 --> 00:20:54,040
[groans]
470
00:20:54,041 --> 00:20:55,833
- Oh, that's cute.
- Gross.
471
00:20:56,916 --> 00:20:59,707
Does it look like "picking
up the boys from soccer"?
472
00:20:59,708 --> 00:21:01,458
- [Lainy sighing]
- [Kate chuckling]
473
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,999
You know, this store is just...
It's a little much, right?
474
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,832
Yeah, no, it's like, it's awful.
We didn't have to do this.
475
00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:13,415
You dragged me in here. I
wanted to get a pedicure.
476
00:21:13,416 --> 00:21:14,624
No, no, no.
477
00:21:14,625 --> 00:21:17,124
I just want you to see
how supportive I am.
478
00:21:17,125 --> 00:21:20,374
And you are. I always
feel supported by you.
479
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:22,915
If this is too
hard, that's okay.
480
00:21:22,916 --> 00:21:24,957
No, it's not tough for me.
481
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:26,207
I've just...
482
00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:29,666
I've been feeling a little
lonely lately, but I, uh...
483
00:21:30,833 --> 00:21:33,832
You know, you probably don't
even remember what that's like.
484
00:21:33,833 --> 00:21:37,624
Uh, married people
can feel very lonely.
485
00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:39,665
I have been really
horny, though.
486
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:43,040
- Really?
- I can't stop masturbating to weird stuff.
487
00:21:43,041 --> 00:21:43,957
[Lainy] Oh.
488
00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:46,749
- Like The Golden Bachelor.
- Yeah?
489
00:21:46,750 --> 00:21:49,207
Something about it. Maybe
because my dad left?
490
00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:53,708
Okay. You know, we should
have more, like, secrets.
491
00:21:54,458 --> 00:21:56,332
- [groans]
- What's wrong?
492
00:21:56,333 --> 00:21:58,791
- I'm gonna throw up my acai bowl.
- Oh.
493
00:21:59,541 --> 00:22:01,874
- You want me to hold your hair?
- No. I'm okay.
494
00:22:01,875 --> 00:22:02,875
[Kate retching]
495
00:22:07,666 --> 00:22:09,666
[mysterious music playing]
496
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,541
[Lainy inhaling, exhaling]
497
00:22:29,208 --> 00:22:31,208
[wondrous music playing]
498
00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:48,665
Yeah. I'm 11 months,
he won't come out.
499
00:22:48,666 --> 00:22:51,374
I'm gonna start charging
him rent. It's so hard.
500
00:22:51,375 --> 00:22:54,165
[woman] Miss, are you all right in
there? Do you need another size?
501
00:22:54,166 --> 00:22:55,915
No, I don't. Thank you.
502
00:22:55,916 --> 00:22:57,875
Oh, sweetheart.
503
00:22:58,625 --> 00:23:02,540
I know. You're adjusting to the
changes your body is going through.
504
00:23:02,541 --> 00:23:05,415
Just remember, this is a gift.
505
00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:07,832
You and your husband
must be so excited.
506
00:23:07,833 --> 00:23:10,375
Or your wife. Or your...
507
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:14,583
DoorDash driver.
508
00:23:15,166 --> 00:23:16,040
Oh.
509
00:23:16,041 --> 00:23:18,790
Uh, can I have a moment?
Can we have a moment?
510
00:23:18,791 --> 00:23:21,915
Women are miracles.
How far along are you?
511
00:23:21,916 --> 00:23:24,832
Maybe, judging by your
facial bloating, five months?
512
00:23:24,833 --> 00:23:26,832
- I'll break your fucking neck.
- What was that?
513
00:23:26,833 --> 00:23:28,749
I've been a freaking wreck.
514
00:23:28,750 --> 00:23:32,207
Well, I would be too if
my ankles were that big.
515
00:23:32,208 --> 00:23:34,458
So how long have
you been pregnant?
516
00:23:36,708 --> 00:23:40,374
Thanksgiving. It's
my favorite parade.
517
00:23:40,375 --> 00:23:41,290
What?
518
00:23:41,291 --> 00:23:44,540
I'm gonna go and get you a burrito,
and then I'm gonna rub your feet.
519
00:23:44,541 --> 00:23:46,624
- You need to be pampered.
- Yes, I do.
520
00:23:46,625 --> 00:23:48,874
- Okay, stay right there.
- Yes. I will.
521
00:23:48,875 --> 00:23:49,958
Okay.
522
00:23:51,208 --> 00:23:52,291
[mouthing]
523
00:23:53,625 --> 00:23:54,625
[Kate] Lainy?
524
00:23:55,125 --> 00:23:55,957
[velcro tearing]
525
00:23:55,958 --> 00:23:57,958
[mysterious music playing]
526
00:24:00,291 --> 00:24:02,624
- Come on.
- Do I have anything on my face?
527
00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:05,290
No, you're great. You
know, everyone likes water.
528
00:24:05,291 --> 00:24:06,458
[music fades]
529
00:24:14,666 --> 00:24:15,666
[student coughing]
530
00:24:25,666 --> 00:24:27,250
[line ringing]
531
00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:29,665
[Dave] Hey, you've reached Dave.
532
00:24:29,666 --> 00:24:31,207
- [Moira] And Moira.
- [Andy] And Andy.
533
00:24:31,208 --> 00:24:32,916
[all] We're busy right now.
534
00:24:33,625 --> 00:24:34,582
[Dave] Leave a message.
535
00:24:34,583 --> 00:24:36,125
Get your finger out of there.
536
00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:38,999
[indistinct chatter]
537
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,083
[contemplative music playing]
538
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:46,500
Hi!
539
00:24:48,041 --> 00:24:49,790
- I heard you coming.
- How you doing?
540
00:24:49,791 --> 00:24:51,082
- Oh, my gosh.
- You good?
541
00:24:51,083 --> 00:24:52,375
Yeah. I'm good.
542
00:24:53,333 --> 00:24:55,374
I texted you last
night. Did you get it?
543
00:24:55,375 --> 00:24:57,458
[somber acoustic music playing]
544
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:05,916
Mmm! So great. You
guys do a great job.
545
00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:27,625
[keyboard clacking]
546
00:25:37,708 --> 00:25:39,708
[music fades]
547
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:43,750
[mysterious music playing]
548
00:25:51,916 --> 00:25:53,499
[uplifting music playing]
549
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:54,500
[chuckles softly]
550
00:25:55,708 --> 00:25:57,165
Mazel, mazel, mazel.
551
00:25:57,166 --> 00:25:58,499
[Lainy chuckling] Thank you.
552
00:25:58,500 --> 00:25:59,915
Congratulations, Mama.
553
00:25:59,916 --> 00:26:01,333
Oh, thanks.
554
00:26:05,958 --> 00:26:07,040
Looking good, Mama.
555
00:26:07,041 --> 00:26:08,207
Oh!
556
00:26:08,208 --> 00:26:09,375
Thanks.
557
00:26:10,416 --> 00:26:12,375
Bro, move, she's pregnant.
558
00:26:13,708 --> 00:26:14,916
[Lainy chuckling]
559
00:26:15,916 --> 00:26:18,416
[Lainy chuckling]
560
00:26:20,166 --> 00:26:21,166
Pregnant.
561
00:26:22,708 --> 00:26:27,332
[automated voice] The next stop is
Metropolitan Avenue/Lorimer Street.
562
00:26:27,333 --> 00:26:28,500
[intercom beeps]
563
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,000
[Lainy coughs]
564
00:26:35,333 --> 00:26:36,290
Oh, oh.
565
00:26:36,291 --> 00:26:37,375
Thanks, yeah.
566
00:26:41,541 --> 00:26:43,416
- You look so beautiful.
- Yeah.
567
00:26:44,375 --> 00:26:46,208
Oh, thank you.
568
00:26:46,791 --> 00:26:49,250
It's like your skin is glowing.
569
00:26:49,916 --> 00:26:50,916
Wow.
570
00:26:51,666 --> 00:26:53,874
It's probably because
I'm pregnant. [chuckling]
571
00:26:53,875 --> 00:26:54,832
[woman chuckling]
572
00:26:54,833 --> 00:26:56,874
Mom, I want to get pregnant.
573
00:26:56,875 --> 00:26:59,915
- I want to get pregnant tonight.
- What? No, no, you don't.
574
00:26:59,916 --> 00:27:02,958
- Not when you're 15.
- You never let me do anything!
575
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:07,083
[mouthing] Sorry.
576
00:27:07,666 --> 00:27:09,083
[mouthing] Fuck you.
577
00:27:12,291 --> 00:27:14,458
- [mysterious music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
578
00:27:15,166 --> 00:27:16,541
Hey. Thanks.
579
00:27:20,208 --> 00:27:21,791
[women chattering indistinctly]
580
00:27:23,083 --> 00:27:25,083
[soft music playing]
581
00:27:30,916 --> 00:27:32,416
Everyone settle.
582
00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:35,124
Mamaste.
583
00:27:35,125 --> 00:27:36,415
[all] Mamaste.
584
00:27:36,416 --> 00:27:41,707
Let's all take a slow breath
into our space of motherhood.
585
00:27:41,708 --> 00:27:44,207
Inhale and pull up
from the vagina.
586
00:27:44,208 --> 00:27:45,790
[instructor inhaling]
587
00:27:45,791 --> 00:27:49,624
And exhale through
your butthole.
588
00:27:49,625 --> 00:27:51,666
[women farting]
589
00:27:53,500 --> 00:27:55,999
Up, up, up through the vagina.
590
00:27:56,000 --> 00:28:00,915
And out the anus butt.
591
00:28:00,916 --> 00:28:03,375
[farting continues]
592
00:28:04,666 --> 00:28:06,707
Now open your eyes.
593
00:28:06,708 --> 00:28:08,124
Welcome.
594
00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:10,707
Before we begin, any
new mamas here today?
595
00:28:10,708 --> 00:28:12,540
There's a new next to me.
596
00:28:12,541 --> 00:28:13,624
Mamaste.
597
00:28:13,625 --> 00:28:15,874
- Mamaste.
- [all] Mamaste.
598
00:28:15,875 --> 00:28:18,499
Mama some. Moccasin.
599
00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:20,541
How many weeks are you?
600
00:28:22,291 --> 00:28:23,915
We do the Mayan calendar,
601
00:28:23,916 --> 00:28:27,457
so it's like Labor
Day, leap year,
602
00:28:27,458 --> 00:28:28,625
Thanksgiving.
603
00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:32,165
Sorry, I'm in my space
still, but do your class.
604
00:28:32,166 --> 00:28:34,500
- [woman farts]
- Let's keep those in now.
605
00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:37,915
You are so very
welcome here today.
606
00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:42,041
Now let's all get into happy baby
or whatever pose feels right to you.
607
00:28:43,833 --> 00:28:45,165
[woman clearing throat]
608
00:28:45,166 --> 00:28:47,875
[women groaning, exhaling]
609
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,833
[woman 2 moaning, exhaling]
610
00:29:05,791 --> 00:29:06,833
[softly] Okay...
611
00:29:10,916 --> 00:29:11,790
Hmm... Oh!
612
00:29:11,791 --> 00:29:12,707
[Lainy grunting]
613
00:29:12,708 --> 00:29:15,832
- [all gasping]
- Holy fuck! Oh, God.
614
00:29:15,833 --> 00:29:17,415
I'm okay. I'm fine.
615
00:29:17,416 --> 00:29:20,415
- Please don't touch me.
- I just want to make sure that the baby...
616
00:29:20,416 --> 00:29:22,540
Hey, hey, step away from her.
617
00:29:22,541 --> 00:29:24,583
If she wants help, she will ask.
618
00:29:25,625 --> 00:29:27,083
[grunts loudly]
619
00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:35,625
Hey, hey.
620
00:29:36,125 --> 00:29:39,499
Thank you so much for
standing up for me in there.
621
00:29:39,500 --> 00:29:41,207
Of course. Are you okay?
622
00:29:41,208 --> 00:29:42,707
Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Yeah.
623
00:29:42,708 --> 00:29:45,374
The energy in there was
just like a little nuts.
624
00:29:45,375 --> 00:29:48,207
- Right, yeah.
- Thought I would try the yoga thing...
625
00:29:48,208 --> 00:29:50,499
but that was
obviously not for me.
626
00:29:50,500 --> 00:29:53,915
It smelled like a fucking
queef salad in there.
627
00:29:53,916 --> 00:29:55,374
Yeah, it did.
628
00:29:55,375 --> 00:29:57,125
Right? It's disgusting.
629
00:29:57,708 --> 00:29:59,332
- Yeah. I'm Megan.
- Lainy.
630
00:29:59,333 --> 00:30:03,332
Ugh, my hormones are out of control,
and my husband is driving me insane.
631
00:30:03,333 --> 00:30:04,874
I'm sure I don't
have to tell you.
632
00:30:04,875 --> 00:30:09,416
Well, actually, I don't have a husband,
so you probably do have to tell me.
633
00:30:10,583 --> 00:30:12,291
Oh, because I...
634
00:30:13,291 --> 00:30:15,040
We're not together.
635
00:30:15,041 --> 00:30:17,957
I'm single, doing it alone.
636
00:30:17,958 --> 00:30:19,790
Bless you, that is so brave.
637
00:30:19,791 --> 00:30:21,541
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Yeah.
638
00:30:22,166 --> 00:30:24,374
How's it going? How's
your pregnancy going?
639
00:30:24,375 --> 00:30:25,541
Perfect...
640
00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,749
ly sucky.
641
00:30:29,750 --> 00:30:30,957
- God, it sucks.
- Yeah.
642
00:30:30,958 --> 00:30:34,374
Right? I hope this little shit
appreciates everything I'm going through.
643
00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:35,457
- Well, it won't.
- Right.
644
00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:36,458
How are your nipples?
645
00:30:37,291 --> 00:30:38,124
Real big.
646
00:30:38,125 --> 00:30:40,458
No, no, no, I
meant, are they dry?
647
00:30:41,250 --> 00:30:42,832
Because mine are like scones.
648
00:30:42,833 --> 00:30:45,915
So dry. I thought
it was the only one.
649
00:30:45,916 --> 00:30:47,665
No, I have the best nipple balm.
650
00:30:47,666 --> 00:30:49,082
[Lainy] Really? Wow.
651
00:30:49,083 --> 00:30:52,165
- You should get some of this.
- Oh my God. Yes. Thank you so much.
652
00:30:52,166 --> 00:30:53,416
God, I need it.
653
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,915
Ugh! [chuckles]
654
00:30:55,916 --> 00:30:57,332
Is that a normal amount or...
655
00:30:57,333 --> 00:30:59,790
[Megan] A little bit actually
does go a pretty long way...
656
00:30:59,791 --> 00:31:01,290
- but that's okay.
- Thank God.
657
00:31:01,291 --> 00:31:03,916
Oh, little bit? Okay. I'll
put the rest of it back.
658
00:31:04,708 --> 00:31:06,332
Actually, why don't you keep it?
659
00:31:06,333 --> 00:31:08,165
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, totally.
660
00:31:08,166 --> 00:31:09,374
- That's so nice.
- Yeah.
661
00:31:09,375 --> 00:31:11,457
I wish I had something
cool to give you.
662
00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:12,915
- You're so funny.
- Thank you.
663
00:31:12,916 --> 00:31:14,832
Is it weird if I
ask you to hang out?
664
00:31:14,833 --> 00:31:16,665
No, no, I would
love to hang out.
665
00:31:16,666 --> 00:31:18,124
- Amazing.
- Yes.
666
00:31:18,125 --> 00:31:19,874
Oh, fancy seeing you here.
667
00:31:19,875 --> 00:31:23,665
- There's my guys.
- Oh my God. So cute.
668
00:31:23,666 --> 00:31:25,124
- Yeah.
- Hi.
669
00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:27,999
Cute little face almost
tore my asshole open.
670
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,332
Why don't you come over
for dinner this week?
671
00:31:30,333 --> 00:31:31,832
- Hey!
- Put yourself in. Here.
672
00:31:31,833 --> 00:31:33,790
- Okay.
- And I'm Steve, by the way.
673
00:31:33,791 --> 00:31:35,332
- Hi.
- Sorry, my husband, Steve.
674
00:31:35,333 --> 00:31:36,415
Congratulations.
675
00:31:36,416 --> 00:31:37,791
On what?
676
00:31:38,541 --> 00:31:41,166
On being preg... pregnant?
677
00:31:41,875 --> 00:31:44,290
Oh, yeah, I am pregnant.
678
00:31:44,291 --> 00:31:46,541
- Oh... [chuckles]
- Sorry, I...
679
00:31:47,125 --> 00:31:50,416
Pregnant, loving it,
but hating it. Ugh! God.
680
00:31:51,541 --> 00:31:53,415
- Right?
- All right. Well, we'll see you later.
681
00:31:53,416 --> 00:31:54,790
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
682
00:31:54,791 --> 00:31:56,790
Nice to meet you.
Bye, little cutie.
683
00:31:56,791 --> 00:31:58,540
[Megan] Why are you so early?
684
00:31:58,541 --> 00:31:59,582
[Steve] Was that early?
685
00:31:59,583 --> 00:32:01,333
What the fuck am I doing?
686
00:32:02,083 --> 00:32:03,083
[sighs]
687
00:32:05,041 --> 00:32:07,125
["RIDE" by Mia
Rodriguez playing]
688
00:32:09,791 --> 00:32:11,749
Thanks for coming to this.
689
00:32:11,750 --> 00:32:13,582
Hey, I want to
spend time with you.
690
00:32:13,583 --> 00:32:17,790
If that means I'm going to Shirley's
corny gender reveal party, so be it.
691
00:32:17,791 --> 00:32:19,874
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
692
00:32:19,875 --> 00:32:22,915
So, I was thinking
about your baby shower,
693
00:32:22,916 --> 00:32:26,540
and I think we should do, like, a
Real Housewives of New Jersey theme.
694
00:32:26,541 --> 00:32:30,582
- Like, big hair, long nails.
- Yeah?
695
00:32:30,583 --> 00:32:32,332
- Like, really go for it.
- Yeah.
696
00:32:32,333 --> 00:32:36,750
Well, um, it's just going to
have to be a joint baby shower.
697
00:32:37,458 --> 00:32:38,332
Joint with who?
698
00:32:38,333 --> 00:32:39,666
[Shirley squealing]
699
00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:44,457
Oh, my God, you're
so pretty! Oh, oh...
700
00:32:44,458 --> 00:32:46,540
Sad. Your life.
701
00:32:46,541 --> 00:32:47,499
Okay.
702
00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:48,915
I'm so proud of you.
703
00:32:48,916 --> 00:32:51,874
Wait, come outside. We are
about to do the reveal. Ah, ah!
704
00:32:51,875 --> 00:32:53,915
- So squishy. Okay, come on, guys.
- Okay.
705
00:32:53,916 --> 00:32:56,207
[Shirley] Piñata time! Let's go.
706
00:32:56,208 --> 00:32:58,790
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
707
00:32:58,791 --> 00:33:01,957
Gather round, mother fingerers,
I want to make a toast.
708
00:33:01,958 --> 00:33:05,749
Well, looks like I got
my baby girl pregnant.
709
00:33:05,750 --> 00:33:08,082
- Whoopsie daisy.
- [cheering]
710
00:33:08,083 --> 00:33:10,957
Turns out my scrote gravy's
more potent than I thought,
711
00:33:10,958 --> 00:33:13,540
shooting premium gasolina.
712
00:33:13,541 --> 00:33:16,457
This guy's the reason
there's so many lesbians now.
713
00:33:16,458 --> 00:33:18,874
All right, should we fuck
up this baby or what?
714
00:33:18,875 --> 00:33:21,624
- [all cheering]
- Hold on! I want to do a speech.
715
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:22,832
It's my time, baby.
716
00:33:22,833 --> 00:33:24,332
- [man] Yeah, go ahead.
- I love you.
717
00:33:24,333 --> 00:33:25,707
- I love you.
- I love you.
718
00:33:25,708 --> 00:33:26,874
[crowd] Aw.
719
00:33:26,875 --> 00:33:29,207
- I'm going to go kill myself.
- No, no, no.
720
00:33:29,208 --> 00:33:32,457
So, we weren't sure if it should
be Rawn or me who whack the piñata
721
00:33:32,458 --> 00:33:34,124
to reveal our baby's gender.
722
00:33:34,125 --> 00:33:37,082
But we have finally
decided that the honor
723
00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:40,249
should go to someone who's gone
through some really tough times lately.
724
00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:43,832
So, I thought this might lift that
200-pound spirit off the ground.
725
00:33:43,833 --> 00:33:46,707
Lainy, get up here
and whack this baby!
726
00:33:46,708 --> 00:33:48,124
[all cheering]
727
00:33:48,125 --> 00:33:49,582
- Lucky.
- Stop.
728
00:33:49,583 --> 00:33:52,040
Uh, yeah, I'd rather not.
729
00:33:52,041 --> 00:33:53,041
Boo!
730
00:33:54,916 --> 00:33:56,707
Go. Come on.
731
00:33:56,708 --> 00:33:58,790
Okay, got it. Thank you.
732
00:33:58,791 --> 00:34:00,915
- [man] Yeah, give it a whack!
- Okay.
733
00:34:00,916 --> 00:34:02,374
[all cheering]
734
00:34:02,375 --> 00:34:05,540
Okay, I really don't understand
why I'm the one doing this.
735
00:34:05,541 --> 00:34:07,625
[upbeat music playing]
736
00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:09,625
Fuck the haters.
737
00:34:10,791 --> 00:34:12,666
- [groans]
- [all gasping]
738
00:34:13,250 --> 00:34:14,915
I'm okay. I'm okay.
739
00:34:14,916 --> 00:34:16,457
[all exclaiming]
740
00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:18,540
- Oh my God!
- [woman] She can't swim!
741
00:34:18,541 --> 00:34:20,416
- Shit.
- [man] She can't swim!
742
00:34:21,458 --> 00:34:22,583
[woman 2] Hang on!
743
00:34:23,416 --> 00:34:26,540
It's a girl! It's red inside!
744
00:34:26,541 --> 00:34:30,166
It's blood! That's your blood!
745
00:34:31,041 --> 00:34:32,499
Whoo!
746
00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:33,583
I'm gonna...
747
00:34:34,708 --> 00:34:36,665
- Oh, God.
- [Fallon] Fuck you, Lainy!
748
00:34:36,666 --> 00:34:38,750
[chill music playing]
749
00:34:50,500 --> 00:34:51,875
[woman] She can't swim!
750
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:54,832
- Lainy, hi.
- Hi.
751
00:34:54,833 --> 00:34:56,832
- Come in.
- Thank you. Thank you.
752
00:34:56,833 --> 00:34:59,249
- Oh my God. It's so nice.
- Oh, thank you.
753
00:34:59,250 --> 00:35:03,125
Yeah. I brought you a book.
I think you'll dig her.
754
00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:05,499
Why are you so sweet?
755
00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:07,040
I'm just a really great person.
756
00:35:07,041 --> 00:35:08,374
Should I take my shoes off or...
757
00:35:08,375 --> 00:35:11,540
Uh, yeah, I mean only if you
don't mind stepping on food.
758
00:35:11,541 --> 00:35:14,291
Our place is so dirty, it
should just be condemned.
759
00:35:15,541 --> 00:35:16,707
[growling]
760
00:35:16,708 --> 00:35:19,374
Hey, he's got the
knives again, Steve!
761
00:35:19,375 --> 00:35:20,375
I'm on it!
762
00:35:24,333 --> 00:35:25,375
Sorry.
763
00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:27,750
[Steve] Connor!
764
00:35:29,625 --> 00:35:31,708
Connor, come here, buddy!
765
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:33,500
[Lainy shushing]
766
00:35:34,333 --> 00:35:36,040
[Steve] Connor!
767
00:35:36,041 --> 00:35:37,874
- Oh, you!
- Hi!
768
00:35:37,875 --> 00:35:38,832
He went that way.
769
00:35:38,833 --> 00:35:39,875
- Okay.
- Yeah.
770
00:35:41,583 --> 00:35:42,915
[exhales]
771
00:35:42,916 --> 00:35:45,290
[Megan] I've had such a day.
772
00:35:45,291 --> 00:35:48,290
And this gives me such bad
heartburn, but I don't even care.
773
00:35:48,291 --> 00:35:50,083
- Thank you.
- Of course.
774
00:35:50,958 --> 00:35:55,875
To treating pregnant women like
people and believing in science.
775
00:35:56,666 --> 00:35:57,665
Hear, hear!
776
00:35:57,666 --> 00:35:59,582
- Cheers.
- Cheers, thank you.
777
00:35:59,583 --> 00:36:02,374
Daddy saves the
day. No harm done.
778
00:36:02,375 --> 00:36:03,375
Amazing.
779
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,915
Oh, and I hope you don't mind, but
I invited my brother to dinner.
780
00:36:06,916 --> 00:36:08,499
He just moved into our garage.
781
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,290
You make him sound like a loser.
782
00:36:10,291 --> 00:36:11,915
Well, just temporarily.
783
00:36:11,916 --> 00:36:13,832
Broke up with this horse twat.
784
00:36:13,833 --> 00:36:17,166
Ever since then, he's just, like,
been walking around in sweats.
785
00:36:17,791 --> 00:36:18,999
Pathetic.
786
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:19,915
Mmm.
787
00:36:19,916 --> 00:36:21,333
You don't drink, Steve?
788
00:36:21,958 --> 00:36:24,457
No. I am in the program.
789
00:36:24,458 --> 00:36:27,082
Yeah, child of an
alcoholic right here...
790
00:36:27,083 --> 00:36:28,832
- so I get it.
- [Steve] Oh, no, no.
791
00:36:28,833 --> 00:36:33,165
I'm just a pretty big follower
of Jada's Red Table Talk.
792
00:36:33,166 --> 00:36:34,124
Mmm.
793
00:36:34,125 --> 00:36:37,249
And she thinks it's
harmful for men to drink.
794
00:36:37,250 --> 00:36:39,999
- Great.
- Plus, I'm a really angry drunk.
795
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:40,999
Like, terrible.
796
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,374
- Steve.
- I don't remember, but it happens.
797
00:36:43,375 --> 00:36:44,332
I do.
798
00:36:44,333 --> 00:36:45,457
[cell phone chimes]
799
00:36:45,458 --> 00:36:48,582
Oh. Speak of the queen.
New episode, just dropped.
800
00:36:48,583 --> 00:36:51,040
- [Megan] Perfect timing.
- See y'all later.
801
00:36:51,041 --> 00:36:52,915
[door opens, closes]
802
00:36:52,916 --> 00:36:55,332
The deadbeat crashing
in your garage is here.
803
00:36:55,333 --> 00:36:56,333
[Megan] Hi.
804
00:36:56,958 --> 00:36:58,457
Oh, my God, Latte.
805
00:36:58,458 --> 00:36:59,457
What?
806
00:36:59,458 --> 00:37:00,458
Lainy.
807
00:37:01,416 --> 00:37:02,665
Wow.
808
00:37:02,666 --> 00:37:04,207
You guys know each other?
809
00:37:04,208 --> 00:37:07,165
- Yeah, we do. We met a few weeks ago...
- Yeah.
810
00:37:07,166 --> 00:37:08,958
But you didn't seem
like you were...
811
00:37:10,750 --> 00:37:11,999
Rockin' a baby?
812
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:13,250
Yeah, exactly.
813
00:37:13,875 --> 00:37:17,332
Old Navy clothes. You can
hide anything in there, right?
814
00:37:17,333 --> 00:37:18,832
- Wow.
- [Lainy chuckling]
815
00:37:18,833 --> 00:37:21,832
- This is nuts.
- Where did you two meet?
816
00:37:21,833 --> 00:37:24,749
A coffee shop. I feel like
I was just buying coffee,
817
00:37:24,750 --> 00:37:27,999
and then he just came up to me
and started talking my ear off.
818
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,249
And usually I wouldn't
talk to a stranger,
819
00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,332
but it seemed like he
really needed someone.
820
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:35,540
Yeah, and Lainy got some
kind of pudding milkshake?
821
00:37:35,541 --> 00:37:37,915
Huh. Was it a pudding
milk... It was...
822
00:37:37,916 --> 00:37:41,249
I remember there being a lot more
nutrition in it than that, but...
823
00:37:41,250 --> 00:37:43,624
- Should've gotten a double. Yeah.
- [chuckles] I did.
824
00:37:43,625 --> 00:37:45,582
- Oh, you did? Okay.
- I actually did.
825
00:37:45,583 --> 00:37:46,957
[both chuckle]
826
00:37:46,958 --> 00:37:49,583
So, is your husband here?
827
00:37:50,166 --> 00:37:52,332
I don't have a husband.
828
00:37:52,333 --> 00:37:54,415
Wow. Josh. That's very subtle.
829
00:37:54,416 --> 00:37:56,332
What? I can, you
know, ask anything.
830
00:37:56,333 --> 00:37:58,665
It's not like I'm saying,
"Hey, are you single?"
831
00:37:58,666 --> 00:38:00,040
I mean, you're single, though?
832
00:38:00,041 --> 00:38:00,999
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
833
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,082
This is just from, like,
a one-night thing, so...
834
00:38:04,083 --> 00:38:06,165
- Okay. I mean, great.
- Yeah.
835
00:38:06,166 --> 00:38:07,333
On Thanksgiving.
836
00:38:07,916 --> 00:38:08,749
Really?
837
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:09,832
Wow.
838
00:38:09,833 --> 00:38:12,415
- Yeah.
- People usually stay home on Thanksgiving.
839
00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:13,332
What a rebel.
840
00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:15,790
Yeah. Not me. I get
right out there.
841
00:38:15,791 --> 00:38:20,625
I get those sweet
Black Friday-eve deals.
842
00:38:21,458 --> 00:38:23,915
You got pregnant at
a Black Friday sale?
843
00:38:23,916 --> 00:38:29,500
Yep. Nothing gets me riled up
like a coupon for a Vitamix.
844
00:38:31,291 --> 00:38:32,499
Yeah.
845
00:38:32,500 --> 00:38:36,582
- Anybody want tea? I could go for some.
- Sure.
846
00:38:36,583 --> 00:38:39,207
- Can we make tea?
- No, please. Yeah. Here, I got some.
847
00:38:39,208 --> 00:38:41,375
- I'll have some black tea.
- Oh.
848
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,040
Black tea. Cool guy.
849
00:38:44,041 --> 00:38:46,749
That's me. You know, throw
some honey in my shit.
850
00:38:46,750 --> 00:38:48,790
Did I tell you I'm a tea-cher?
851
00:38:48,791 --> 00:38:50,375
You did not tell me that.
852
00:38:50,958 --> 00:38:51,790
What do you do?
853
00:38:51,791 --> 00:38:55,874
I am the Chief Zamboni
Officer at Wollman Rink.
854
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:58,082
- Wow. Cool.
- Fire.
855
00:38:58,083 --> 00:39:00,457
Yeah, fire. Or whatever
my students say.
856
00:39:00,458 --> 00:39:03,625
- No, no, no. You're on fire!
- Oh my God! I'm on fire!
857
00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:05,500
- Where's my phone?
- Lainy!
858
00:39:06,291 --> 00:39:07,666
[Steve] Oh, my God! The baby!
859
00:39:08,375 --> 00:39:09,749
She knows about the baby!
860
00:39:09,750 --> 00:39:12,207
- Fuck this.
- No! Steve!
861
00:39:12,208 --> 00:39:14,707
Ten years! Are you kidding me?
862
00:39:14,708 --> 00:39:16,915
- Goddammit!
- [roars]
863
00:39:16,916 --> 00:39:21,207
["Gasoline Dreams" by OutKast
with Khujo Goodie playing]
864
00:39:21,208 --> 00:39:23,332
♪ Don't everybody like
The taste of apple pie? ♪
865
00:39:23,333 --> 00:39:26,165
♪ We'll snap for yo' slice of
life I'm tellin' ya why... ♪
866
00:39:26,166 --> 00:39:27,290
[knock on door]
867
00:39:27,291 --> 00:39:30,291
[Megan] Lainy, are you
okay in there? Can I help?
868
00:39:30,916 --> 00:39:31,916
Um...
869
00:39:32,666 --> 00:39:34,415
No, no, no. I'm all good.
870
00:39:34,416 --> 00:39:37,374
It's just a tiny burn. It's very
little. Don't worry about me.
871
00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,665
I'm a teacher.
872
00:39:38,666 --> 00:39:41,500
We deal with this sort
of thing all the time.
873
00:39:42,083 --> 00:39:44,290
- Kids light themselves on fire?
- [song fades]
874
00:39:44,291 --> 00:39:47,874
[hesitates] I'm fine. Okay?
Don't even think about it.
875
00:39:47,875 --> 00:39:50,707
Okay, I'm coming in, but no
touching without permission.
876
00:39:50,708 --> 00:39:52,499
- I promise.
- No, no, no. Hold on.
877
00:39:52,500 --> 00:39:54,374
Give me just one second.
878
00:39:54,375 --> 00:39:56,374
- You watch him.
- Yeah.
879
00:39:56,375 --> 00:39:57,791
[Megan sighing]
880
00:39:58,791 --> 00:39:59,791
[door closing]
881
00:40:00,708 --> 00:40:02,041
Borrowed your robe.
882
00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:04,166
You borrowed Steve's robe.
883
00:40:09,791 --> 00:40:13,665
I'm okay, by the way. Like,
I'm cool to go back out.
884
00:40:13,666 --> 00:40:14,582
No, no, please.
885
00:40:14,583 --> 00:40:17,082
Can we just stay here for
like five more minutes?
886
00:40:17,083 --> 00:40:18,083
Yeah.
887
00:40:18,625 --> 00:40:19,749
Yeah.
888
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,291
[exhales]
889
00:40:23,166 --> 00:40:25,041
It's just all so isolating.
890
00:40:26,416 --> 00:40:27,665
Yeah.
891
00:40:27,666 --> 00:40:29,416
And you haven't
even had one yet.
892
00:40:30,208 --> 00:40:31,208
Right.
893
00:40:32,666 --> 00:40:33,916
They don't tell you.
894
00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:38,000
Women don't share what it's
like, what really happens.
895
00:40:39,041 --> 00:40:41,207
- With pregnancy?
- [Megan] With birth.
896
00:40:41,208 --> 00:40:43,416
Think about it. How many
birth stories do you know?
897
00:40:44,208 --> 00:40:45,291
[Lainy smacking lips]
898
00:40:46,166 --> 00:40:47,707
- None.
- Exactly.
899
00:40:47,708 --> 00:40:50,457
I mean, some will talk about
how many hours they labored for,
900
00:40:50,458 --> 00:40:52,625
but that's it.
901
00:40:53,791 --> 00:40:54,749
Why is that?
902
00:40:54,750 --> 00:40:57,415
Because you go through this
whole thing, this whole trauma,
903
00:40:57,416 --> 00:40:59,832
and then just, bam,
right away, you're a mom.
904
00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:03,290
No time to process what's just
happened or what's about to happen.
905
00:41:03,291 --> 00:41:04,291
Right.
906
00:41:06,666 --> 00:41:08,625
Did you have trauma with Connor?
907
00:41:09,250 --> 00:41:12,040
It was actually
after he came out.
908
00:41:12,041 --> 00:41:13,665
Everything went awry.
909
00:41:13,666 --> 00:41:15,833
I started bleeding
out a lot, and...
910
00:41:16,791 --> 00:41:18,040
Um...
911
00:41:18,041 --> 00:41:21,790
He was on my chest, so I
was actually in heaven.
912
00:41:21,791 --> 00:41:23,000
I was so fine.
913
00:41:23,625 --> 00:41:27,040
But what was happening wasn't okay.
I was just losing a lot of blood.
914
00:41:27,041 --> 00:41:29,833
And it was the first
time I saw Steve scared.
915
00:41:30,625 --> 00:41:33,000
Did you think you were
going to, like, die?
916
00:41:34,291 --> 00:41:35,291
Maybe.
917
00:41:41,541 --> 00:41:42,833
God.
918
00:41:43,541 --> 00:41:44,958
Did I just scare you?
919
00:41:47,041 --> 00:41:48,207
No.
920
00:41:48,208 --> 00:41:49,583
Can't wait. [chuckling]
921
00:41:52,791 --> 00:41:55,708
Did your mom talk to
you about your birth?
922
00:41:57,916 --> 00:42:00,457
My mom died when I
was like six, so...
923
00:42:00,458 --> 00:42:01,915
I'm sorry, Lainy.
924
00:42:01,916 --> 00:42:03,208
It's okay.
925
00:42:03,875 --> 00:42:06,541
God, it's so nice to talk
to someone real. [chuckling]
926
00:42:10,791 --> 00:42:13,458
Meg, I have to
tell you something.
927
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:17,457
I get it. We want to
be pregnant so badly,
928
00:42:17,458 --> 00:42:19,790
and then we finally are,
and it's out of our control.
929
00:42:19,791 --> 00:42:20,832
It's scary.
930
00:42:20,833 --> 00:42:23,958
My postpartum was so bad with
Connor, I didn't think I'd make it.
931
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:27,957
It's not that. I, um...
932
00:42:27,958 --> 00:42:31,875
But to see you doing it,
and how brave you are...
933
00:42:33,250 --> 00:42:34,583
you give me strength.
934
00:42:35,916 --> 00:42:36,749
[knock on door]
935
00:42:36,750 --> 00:42:40,332
[Josh] Can you smell that? It's
like burnt plastic or something.
936
00:42:40,333 --> 00:42:41,541
No.
937
00:42:42,416 --> 00:42:44,624
So I gave him my
number. Maybe he calls.
938
00:42:44,625 --> 00:42:48,000
I have no idea what I'm even
hoping for at this point.
939
00:42:50,250 --> 00:42:51,249
You know what I'm hoping?
940
00:42:51,250 --> 00:42:53,582
I'm hoping that you get
the psychological help
941
00:42:53,583 --> 00:42:55,207
that you so desperately need.
942
00:42:55,208 --> 00:42:57,957
Because you need help. You
need not a little help.
943
00:42:57,958 --> 00:43:00,082
You need a paramedic.
944
00:43:00,083 --> 00:43:02,915
You need an ICU nurse.
You need a doctor.
945
00:43:02,916 --> 00:43:04,249
You need a psychologist.
946
00:43:04,250 --> 00:43:06,999
You need a dentist and a
proctologist to work together
947
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:08,749
and meet each
other in the middle
948
00:43:08,750 --> 00:43:11,624
near your foam belly and
sort all of that shit out
949
00:43:11,625 --> 00:43:13,540
and, boom, pull it out!
950
00:43:13,541 --> 00:43:17,040
How dare you walk around
with that fake fucking belly!
951
00:43:17,041 --> 00:43:18,790
Can you keep it down?
952
00:43:18,791 --> 00:43:21,457
{\an8}I could. But I won't.
953
00:43:21,458 --> 00:43:24,040
You don't just
wake up one morning
954
00:43:24,041 --> 00:43:27,499
and strap it on and now all of a sudden
you're all fabulous and pregnant.
955
00:43:27,500 --> 00:43:28,874
That's not how it works.
956
00:43:28,875 --> 00:43:32,375
Honestly, what's going to happen if
someone you know catches you with this?
957
00:43:33,708 --> 00:43:36,040
[moaning] What am I going to do?
958
00:43:36,041 --> 00:43:37,790
You'll have a
little miscarriage.
959
00:43:37,791 --> 00:43:40,457
Oh my God. Little Susan.
960
00:43:40,458 --> 00:43:44,124
You had all of the
names in the world
961
00:43:44,125 --> 00:43:46,499
and that's what you landed
on for your fake baby?
962
00:43:46,500 --> 00:43:47,874
Why am I listening to you?
963
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:50,582
You have three active
restraining orders against you.
964
00:43:50,583 --> 00:43:54,040
Which says to me there
are three people out there
965
00:43:54,041 --> 00:43:58,415
who sees my passion, who
knows that I'm a go-getter.
966
00:43:58,416 --> 00:43:59,499
Not you.
967
00:43:59,500 --> 00:44:02,290
"I gave my number to
someone, I hope they call."
968
00:44:02,291 --> 00:44:03,415
Do I do that?
969
00:44:03,416 --> 00:44:05,457
Fuck no! I show
up at their work.
970
00:44:05,458 --> 00:44:08,207
I show up at their house. I
show up at their mother's house.
971
00:44:08,208 --> 00:44:10,624
I'm fucking everywhere.
And that is why...
972
00:44:10,625 --> 00:44:13,665
Okay, well thank you so much
for this very helpful feedback.
973
00:44:13,666 --> 00:44:14,916
You're welcome.
974
00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:17,833
Logan, get in here.
975
00:44:20,458 --> 00:44:21,791
Results are back.
976
00:44:23,041 --> 00:44:24,332
As predicted,
977
00:44:24,333 --> 00:44:25,582
you're stupid.
978
00:44:25,583 --> 00:44:27,749
[Kate sighs] Thanks
for shopping with me.
979
00:44:27,750 --> 00:44:29,999
Mark does not give one
shit about this baby.
980
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:30,999
[Lainy] He does.
981
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:33,082
No, I don't even think
he knows the due date.
982
00:44:33,083 --> 00:44:34,749
I'm sure he knows the due date.
983
00:44:34,750 --> 00:44:36,333
Mark, what's the due date?
984
00:44:36,958 --> 00:44:38,165
I'm not hungry, babe.
985
00:44:38,166 --> 00:44:39,582
- Exactly.
- He's probably...
986
00:44:39,583 --> 00:44:41,875
Exactly. Let's check
out the baby monitors.
987
00:44:42,666 --> 00:44:44,665
Why is all this shit
in black and white?
988
00:44:44,666 --> 00:44:47,665
I don't want the nursery to look
like Tim Burton decorated it.
989
00:44:47,666 --> 00:44:50,915
Well, babies can only see black and
white in the first couple months.
990
00:44:50,916 --> 00:44:52,207
- Really?
- You didn't know that?
991
00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:53,290
Where did you hear that?
992
00:44:53,291 --> 00:44:54,874
Precious Little Strangers.
993
00:44:54,875 --> 00:44:57,124
Precious Little...
What is that? What?
994
00:44:57,125 --> 00:44:58,665
It's an Instagram account.
995
00:44:58,666 --> 00:45:01,040
You should be following it.
I'm surprised you're not.
996
00:45:01,041 --> 00:45:02,875
Like every pregnant
woman follows it.
997
00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:05,790
Okay, not every pregnant woman.
998
00:45:05,791 --> 00:45:08,707
Are you okay? You, like,
don't seem excited.
999
00:45:08,708 --> 00:45:11,790
Well, why are you reading all
this pregnancy stuff anyway?
1000
00:45:11,791 --> 00:45:14,833
Because I'm... I want
you to see how...
1001
00:45:15,458 --> 00:45:17,583
Like, so I know what
you're going through.
1002
00:45:19,125 --> 00:45:21,290
- Well, that's nice.
- Yeah.
1003
00:45:21,291 --> 00:45:22,540
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
1004
00:45:22,541 --> 00:45:24,249
It's probably just my hormones.
1005
00:45:24,250 --> 00:45:25,290
- [Connor] Hi.
- [gasps]
1006
00:45:25,291 --> 00:45:26,915
No baby?
1007
00:45:26,916 --> 00:45:30,332
Way to pour salt on the wound, kid.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
1008
00:45:30,333 --> 00:45:31,582
Why no baby?
1009
00:45:31,583 --> 00:45:35,124
Not everyone has a baby.
Okay, kid, move along, please.
1010
00:45:35,125 --> 00:45:37,374
Me hurt baby? [exclaiming]
1011
00:45:37,375 --> 00:45:39,790
[gasps] What a little psycho.
1012
00:45:39,791 --> 00:45:41,415
- Yeah, okay. Let's go.
- [Megan] Connor!
1013
00:45:41,416 --> 00:45:42,707
No, that sounds like his mom.
1014
00:45:42,708 --> 00:45:44,874
- We should...
- No. He needs to find his own way.
1015
00:45:44,875 --> 00:45:48,000
- It's the only chance he'll learn.
- Stop! We've got to find his parents.
1016
00:45:50,125 --> 00:45:52,332
- Are you hiding?
- I'm relaxing.
1017
00:45:52,333 --> 00:45:54,125
What are you hiding from?
1018
00:45:55,250 --> 00:45:57,457
[Megan] Where did you go?
Connor, come back here!
1019
00:45:57,458 --> 00:45:59,082
[tense, upbeat music playing]
1020
00:45:59,083 --> 00:46:01,458
[Megan] Connor? Come
back here, please!
1021
00:46:04,625 --> 00:46:05,708
Balls.
1022
00:46:06,583 --> 00:46:07,916
- [Megan] Connor!
- [gasps]
1023
00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:11,291
[toys squeaking]
1024
00:46:13,291 --> 00:46:14,832
Oh, there you are.
1025
00:46:14,833 --> 00:46:18,750
Don't run away like that again,
okay? Ever, ever, ever. Come here.
1026
00:46:20,041 --> 00:46:21,041
Lainy!
1027
00:46:27,833 --> 00:46:29,165
Hey.
1028
00:46:29,166 --> 00:46:30,957
Steve, what the hell?
1029
00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:34,332
It's called an empathy
bump, all right?
1030
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:36,416
So that I can feel your pain.
1031
00:46:37,125 --> 00:46:40,207
And, babe, I've got to
say, really not that bad.
1032
00:46:40,208 --> 00:46:42,166
- Get the Mazda.
- Yeah.
1033
00:46:43,583 --> 00:46:44,791
Let's go.
1034
00:46:45,916 --> 00:46:46,832
Where's Lainy?
1035
00:46:46,833 --> 00:46:49,333
I don't know. She
just disappeared.
1036
00:46:49,916 --> 00:46:51,915
I'm really worried
about her, you know?
1037
00:46:51,916 --> 00:46:54,332
No. You need to worry
about yourself, okay?
1038
00:46:54,333 --> 00:46:56,625
Lainy is a self-sabotager.
1039
00:46:57,250 --> 00:46:58,332
Ugh.
1040
00:46:58,333 --> 00:47:00,541
I can tell you just
learned that phrase.
1041
00:47:01,375 --> 00:47:04,416
No... What gave it away?
1042
00:47:05,708 --> 00:47:06,708
[toy squeaks]
1043
00:47:09,041 --> 00:47:10,499
[breathing deeply]
1044
00:47:10,500 --> 00:47:12,583
[cell phone vibrating]
1045
00:47:15,125 --> 00:47:17,249
- Hello?
- [Josh] Hey, Lainy, it's Josh.
1046
00:47:17,250 --> 00:47:19,582
I hope I didn't catch
you at a bad time.
1047
00:47:19,583 --> 00:47:26,208
No, no. I was just, um,
reading to, uh, sick animals.
1048
00:47:26,875 --> 00:47:28,874
Oh. That's nice.
1049
00:47:28,875 --> 00:47:32,000
Look, I just wanted to see if you
wanted to come by the rink this week.
1050
00:47:33,875 --> 00:47:36,082
Oh, gosh, let me
check my schedule.
1051
00:47:36,083 --> 00:47:39,582
I'm so busy. Oh! Looks like
I'm free. I'll be there.
1052
00:47:39,583 --> 00:47:41,832
Okay, well, how about tomorrow?
1053
00:47:41,833 --> 00:47:42,999
That'd be great.
1054
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:45,790
Okay, awesome. I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
1055
00:47:45,791 --> 00:47:47,125
See you there.
1056
00:47:48,333 --> 00:47:49,790
[inhaling deeply]
1057
00:47:49,791 --> 00:47:52,083
Things are looking up.
1058
00:47:53,500 --> 00:47:54,500
[toys squeaking]
1059
00:47:59,041 --> 00:48:00,541
[toys squeaking]
1060
00:48:01,875 --> 00:48:04,208
["Handsome" by Winnetka
Bowling League playing]
1061
00:48:05,583 --> 00:48:08,999
God, this feels so good. I haven't
done this since I was a teen.
1062
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:10,291
It never gets old.
1063
00:48:10,875 --> 00:48:12,750
It's the best job in the world.
1064
00:48:13,541 --> 00:48:14,749
[inaudible]
1065
00:48:14,750 --> 00:48:15,707
[horn honking]
1066
00:48:15,708 --> 00:48:18,582
♪ She don't trust weathermen
Holidays, born-agains ♪
1067
00:48:18,583 --> 00:48:20,499
♪ Anything that models peace ♪
1068
00:48:20,500 --> 00:48:23,665
I just loved books. I know
it's corny, but, like,
1069
00:48:23,666 --> 00:48:26,290
they changed my
life. And poetry.
1070
00:48:26,291 --> 00:48:28,915
- Who's your favorite?
- Anne Sexton.
1071
00:48:28,916 --> 00:48:31,290
[inaudible]
1072
00:48:31,291 --> 00:48:32,624
[Lainy] Ever hear of her?
1073
00:48:32,625 --> 00:48:35,249
Who hasn't heard of
Anne Sexton? You know?
1074
00:48:35,250 --> 00:48:36,207
You?
1075
00:48:36,208 --> 00:48:38,749
Yes, me is one of those people.
1076
00:48:38,750 --> 00:48:41,166
Am I better on the ice than
you thought I was gonna be?
1077
00:48:42,166 --> 00:48:43,166
Fuck!
1078
00:48:44,333 --> 00:48:45,624
- You okay?
- Yeah.
1079
00:48:45,625 --> 00:48:47,082
- What if you just kinda like...
- Oh!
1080
00:48:47,083 --> 00:48:48,415
[men exclaiming]
1081
00:48:48,416 --> 00:48:51,415
- [gasps]
- All right, team...
1082
00:48:51,416 --> 00:48:53,332
- Sorry, I'm a little...
- Nice job!
1083
00:48:53,333 --> 00:48:55,290
♪ Take her out dancing ♪
1084
00:48:55,291 --> 00:48:59,249
♪ Mister, you're
missing it still ♪
1085
00:48:59,250 --> 00:49:00,416
Oh my God!
1086
00:49:02,541 --> 00:49:04,540
You know how to do
anything cool, though?
1087
00:49:04,541 --> 00:49:08,332
["Slow Motion" by Juvenile
featuring Soulja Slim playing]
1088
00:49:08,333 --> 00:49:09,582
♪ I don't know how to act ♪
1089
00:49:09,583 --> 00:49:12,582
♪ Slow motion for me,
slow motion for me ♪
1090
00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,333
♪ Slow motion for me Move
in slow motion for me ♪
1091
00:49:15,833 --> 00:49:17,083
[song fades]
1092
00:49:18,083 --> 00:49:20,583
How'd you know you
were ready to be a mom?
1093
00:49:21,166 --> 00:49:22,832
[contemplative music playing]
1094
00:49:22,833 --> 00:49:24,000
[Lainy] Oh...
1095
00:49:25,208 --> 00:49:26,208
I mean...
1096
00:49:26,958 --> 00:49:28,166
Everyone wants that.
1097
00:49:28,916 --> 00:49:29,916
You wanna...
1098
00:49:31,333 --> 00:49:32,750
get married and have a baby.
1099
00:49:33,375 --> 00:49:34,708
Why shouldn't I want that?
1100
00:49:35,291 --> 00:49:36,374
No, I mean, I know...
1101
00:49:36,375 --> 00:49:39,290
I knew I wanted kids
at a weirdly young age.
1102
00:49:39,291 --> 00:49:40,791
That's amazing. I...
1103
00:49:42,375 --> 00:49:44,624
You're so lucky you
have your sister.
1104
00:49:44,625 --> 00:49:46,915
- I don't have siblings.
- Yeah.
1105
00:49:46,916 --> 00:49:49,957
I, you know, I don't have family,
so I don't wanna be alone.
1106
00:49:49,958 --> 00:49:52,791
I've always known
I want a family.
1107
00:49:54,208 --> 00:49:57,333
I'm just getting a little worried
that that's not in the cards for me.
1108
00:49:58,500 --> 00:49:59,500
What?
1109
00:50:00,458 --> 00:50:03,290
I mean, not the baby.
Like, I'm having a baby.
1110
00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:06,582
Yeah, no, you know, the
partner stuff. Yeah.
1111
00:50:06,583 --> 00:50:09,166
It'll happen. You
know what they say.
1112
00:50:09,958 --> 00:50:11,708
Kiss a lot of turds, right?
1113
00:50:13,125 --> 00:50:14,125
No.
1114
00:50:14,541 --> 00:50:16,875
No one says that. It's toads.
1115
00:50:17,375 --> 00:50:19,415
Like "The early
turd gets the worm."
1116
00:50:19,416 --> 00:50:22,290
[Lainy] No, it's bird.
"Early bird gets the worm."
1117
00:50:22,291 --> 00:50:24,000
[laughs]
1118
00:50:24,583 --> 00:50:25,749
It is bird.
1119
00:50:25,750 --> 00:50:28,457
But it is "kiss a lot
of turds" for sure.
1120
00:50:28,458 --> 00:50:29,583
[Lainy chuckling]
1121
00:50:31,041 --> 00:50:32,041
[Josh] Oh, man.
1122
00:50:32,791 --> 00:50:35,499
See that guy messing up
the ice with his skates?
1123
00:50:35,500 --> 00:50:36,916
He's doing it on purpose.
1124
00:50:37,541 --> 00:50:40,915
Hey! Stop fucking up the
ice, you piece of shit!
1125
00:50:40,916 --> 00:50:43,125
We could have you
killed in minutes!
1126
00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:45,250
[Josh chuckling]
1127
00:50:46,166 --> 00:50:48,499
Do you guys have any hot
chocolate around here?
1128
00:50:48,500 --> 00:50:49,500
Yeah.
1129
00:50:50,791 --> 00:50:52,457
[Lainy] You gotta
be shitting me.
1130
00:50:52,458 --> 00:50:55,165
We should Photoshop some
dicks into their mouths.
1131
00:50:55,166 --> 00:50:57,083
[both chuckle]
1132
00:50:58,458 --> 00:51:01,790
I was coming over to ask if you
thought it was over the top.
1133
00:51:01,791 --> 00:51:03,332
I guess I have my answer.
1134
00:51:03,333 --> 00:51:06,541
No, I mean, I love it. I love it.
I think it's quite provocative.
1135
00:51:07,541 --> 00:51:09,624
I'll give you boys some privacy.
1136
00:51:09,625 --> 00:51:13,832
Um, I'm sorry. I was, like, just
trying to make crazy-ass Fallon laugh.
1137
00:51:13,833 --> 00:51:14,832
[Kate] Yeah.
1138
00:51:14,833 --> 00:51:18,499
We were just being funny. It's not
like we're taking that seriously.
1139
00:51:18,500 --> 00:51:19,790
- Yeah, it's ironic.
- Yeah.
1140
00:51:19,791 --> 00:51:22,500
It's, yeah, so, yeah. Sorry.
1141
00:51:23,250 --> 00:51:25,457
I have to talk to you
about something, so...
1142
00:51:25,458 --> 00:51:28,457
Okay. Is it that
you're in love with me?
1143
00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:29,707
Because I already knew.
1144
00:51:29,708 --> 00:51:32,915
No, no, no. No, I just...
1145
00:51:32,916 --> 00:51:34,124
You're scaring me.
1146
00:51:34,125 --> 00:51:35,916
You can't be in
the delivery room.
1147
00:51:37,416 --> 00:51:40,915
What do you mean? Why wouldn't
I be able to be in there?
1148
00:51:40,916 --> 00:51:43,082
If you say Shirley's going
to be in there with you...
1149
00:51:43,083 --> 00:51:44,665
- I'm going to murder someone.
- No.
1150
00:51:44,666 --> 00:51:46,749
She is not going to
be in the room, okay?
1151
00:51:46,750 --> 00:51:49,290
But she did surprise
me and she got a doula,
1152
00:51:49,291 --> 00:51:51,915
and there can only be two
people in the room, so...
1153
00:51:51,916 --> 00:51:56,833
So you're choosing Mark and
some placenta-sniffing midwife
1154
00:51:57,458 --> 00:52:00,165
over your best friend who
you've known your whole life?
1155
00:52:00,166 --> 00:52:02,290
You know what? Can we
just be honest for once?
1156
00:52:02,291 --> 00:52:03,832
Okay, I'm ready to be honest.
1157
00:52:03,833 --> 00:52:05,790
- That sounds nice.
- Great. Let's do it.
1158
00:52:05,791 --> 00:52:07,374
You're pissed
because I'm pregnant.
1159
00:52:07,375 --> 00:52:11,165
No, I'm not. That's so insane
that you would think that.
1160
00:52:11,166 --> 00:52:12,582
I'm so happy for you.
1161
00:52:12,583 --> 00:52:15,374
I've been going
everywhere with you,
1162
00:52:15,375 --> 00:52:18,540
showing you how happy I
am about this pregnancy.
1163
00:52:18,541 --> 00:52:20,665
Yeah, you seem
real happy, Lainy.
1164
00:52:20,666 --> 00:52:21,999
Look, I'm just mad
1165
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:26,207
because you're being a
stupid, tit-faced jerk butt.
1166
00:52:26,208 --> 00:52:29,415
Oh, it is you, my friend,
that has the face of a tit.
1167
00:52:29,416 --> 00:52:31,332
- Really? Me?
- That's what you are.
1168
00:52:31,333 --> 00:52:33,415
All right. Can you
two bitches calm down?
1169
00:52:33,416 --> 00:52:36,207
You can't even come up with
proper fucking swear words.
1170
00:52:36,208 --> 00:52:38,082
I love you both
equally, all right?
1171
00:52:38,083 --> 00:52:39,457
Okay. Forget this.
1172
00:52:39,458 --> 00:52:41,040
Oh, fuck her.
1173
00:52:41,041 --> 00:52:44,207
Ms. Newton, I found
this on the bleachers.
1174
00:52:44,208 --> 00:52:46,250
Oh! Um...
1175
00:52:46,875 --> 00:52:48,165
[sniffs] Oh.
1176
00:52:48,166 --> 00:52:50,874
You did the right thing to
bring it to me. Thank you.
1177
00:52:50,875 --> 00:52:53,458
You don't have to tell anyone
about this. I'll handle it.
1178
00:52:54,333 --> 00:52:55,624
Score.
1179
00:52:55,625 --> 00:52:57,708
[chill, upbeat music playing]
1180
00:53:00,666 --> 00:53:03,457
[Lainy] So, wait, you were
saying, okay, so then you dated...
1181
00:53:03,458 --> 00:53:06,750
I dated an ice cream
scooper at Casey's Scoops.
1182
00:53:07,541 --> 00:53:10,624
But then I realized I was just,
like, in it for the ice cream...
1183
00:53:10,625 --> 00:53:12,665
- and that's just not enough.
- [laughs]
1184
00:53:12,666 --> 00:53:14,874
- No.
- You gotta have chemistry, too, right?
1185
00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:17,665
You can also just have ice
cream and not date the scooper.
1186
00:53:17,666 --> 00:53:19,582
I figured that out. I
figured it out too late.
1187
00:53:19,583 --> 00:53:21,124
Ever dated a pregnant woman?
1188
00:53:21,125 --> 00:53:23,540
You're the least pregnant
person I've ever dated.
1189
00:53:23,541 --> 00:53:25,124
Wow. You wait till
they're crowning.
1190
00:53:25,125 --> 00:53:27,916
I want them to be, like, two
weeks away from dropping.
1191
00:53:28,875 --> 00:53:30,666
So are we dating?
1192
00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:35,832
No. I don't know. I mean, I'm
seeing a lot of other people.
1193
00:53:35,833 --> 00:53:36,874
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1194
00:53:36,875 --> 00:53:39,915
- I'm sorry you're in the friend zone.
- The friend zone.
1195
00:53:39,916 --> 00:53:42,874
I thought you were gay until,
like, five minutes ago.
1196
00:53:42,875 --> 00:53:45,833
We can always just joke
around if you want.
1197
00:53:47,375 --> 00:53:49,040
I don't always joke around.
1198
00:53:49,041 --> 00:53:52,040
Okay, no, I'm... you know.
1199
00:53:52,041 --> 00:53:53,125
[Lainy inhaling]
1200
00:53:54,916 --> 00:53:58,875
My nerves are turned on
1201
00:53:59,583 --> 00:54:03,583
I hear them like
musical instruments
1202
00:54:04,708 --> 00:54:06,333
Where there was silence...
1203
00:54:07,625 --> 00:54:08,624
The drums...
1204
00:54:08,625 --> 00:54:10,832
[dramatic music playing]
1205
00:54:10,833 --> 00:54:14,000
The strings are
incurably playing
1206
00:54:15,291 --> 00:54:16,458
You did this
1207
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,624
Pure genius at work
1208
00:54:19,625 --> 00:54:22,958
Darling, the composer
Has stepped into fire
1209
00:54:25,708 --> 00:54:26,916
Anne Sexton.
1210
00:54:28,583 --> 00:54:29,708
What's it called?
1211
00:54:31,708 --> 00:54:33,000
"The Kiss."
1212
00:54:44,708 --> 00:54:45,707
Oh, sorry.
1213
00:54:45,708 --> 00:54:47,207
- No, I'm sorry.
- No.
1214
00:54:47,208 --> 00:54:48,624
- I'm fine. It's fine.
- It's okay.
1215
00:54:48,625 --> 00:54:51,582
No, I'm just a little self-conscious
about my body right now...
1216
00:54:51,583 --> 00:54:52,915
Oh, yeah.
1217
00:54:52,916 --> 00:54:55,041
- You know, I... Sorry.
- [sighs]
1218
00:54:58,375 --> 00:54:59,375
You want to dance?
1219
00:55:00,375 --> 00:55:01,290
Yes.
1220
00:55:01,291 --> 00:55:04,333
["Delincuente" by Tokischa,
Anuel AA and Ñengo Flow playing]
1221
00:55:06,250 --> 00:55:08,125
[inaudible]
1222
00:55:35,250 --> 00:55:39,250
["Anyone Who Knows What Love Is (Will
Understand)" by Irma Thomas playing]
1223
00:55:41,875 --> 00:55:42,875
♪ Anyone ♪
1224
00:55:45,791 --> 00:55:46,791
♪ Anyone ♪
1225
00:55:48,875 --> 00:55:51,708
♪ You can blame me ♪
1226
00:55:52,666 --> 00:55:55,333
♪ Try to shame me ♪
1227
00:55:55,916 --> 00:56:00,250
♪ And still I'll care for you ♪
1228
00:56:04,500 --> 00:56:06,249
♪ You can run around ♪
1229
00:56:06,250 --> 00:56:07,749
[song fades]
1230
00:56:07,750 --> 00:56:09,833
- Want to take a break?
- Sure.
1231
00:56:10,833 --> 00:56:12,040
Whoa.
1232
00:56:12,041 --> 00:56:14,040
- Dave.
- Lainy.
1233
00:56:14,041 --> 00:56:17,750
[exhaling] What are you doing here?
I didn't know you liked, um...
1234
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:20,915
- Drinking on a boat?
- Yeah, that's crazy.
1235
00:56:20,916 --> 00:56:23,625
- [chuckles nervously]
- What the fuck is that?
1236
00:56:25,625 --> 00:56:27,499
Um, I may have
gained some weight.
1237
00:56:27,500 --> 00:56:30,499
What? What is going
on? What did you do?
1238
00:56:30,500 --> 00:56:33,333
- What did I do?
- I thought you were on birth control!
1239
00:56:33,958 --> 00:56:35,707
[sighing] How could
you do this to me?
1240
00:56:35,708 --> 00:56:36,957
[dance music playing]
1241
00:56:36,958 --> 00:56:40,332
You're such an asshole. And don't
worry because it's not yours.
1242
00:56:40,333 --> 00:56:42,749
Wait, so... When did you even...
1243
00:56:42,750 --> 00:56:44,000
Thanksgiving.
1244
00:56:44,541 --> 00:56:47,040
- We were at my parents' house in Vermont.
- Mm-hmm.
1245
00:56:47,041 --> 00:56:50,540
- We were together the whole time.
- No, obviously not.
1246
00:56:50,541 --> 00:56:52,083
Not when you were, uh...
1247
00:56:54,375 --> 00:56:56,291
- Asleep?
- Bingo.
1248
00:56:56,875 --> 00:57:01,290
When you were asleep, I
went to Black Friday sales.
1249
00:57:01,291 --> 00:57:04,749
And... fucked somebody
at a Brookstone?
1250
00:57:04,750 --> 00:57:05,875
Costco.
1251
00:57:06,458 --> 00:57:08,165
Because they have the best deals
1252
00:57:08,166 --> 00:57:10,333
and the best dick.
1253
00:57:11,750 --> 00:57:13,540
And I don't even know
what you're looking at.
1254
00:57:13,541 --> 00:57:14,624
What do you even do?
1255
00:57:14,625 --> 00:57:16,165
I'm a scientist.
1256
00:57:16,166 --> 00:57:18,500
That's not a real job.
What do all of you do?
1257
00:57:19,083 --> 00:57:20,875
[all] We're all scientists.
1258
00:57:22,208 --> 00:57:24,999
I've moved on. And I
suggest you do the same.
1259
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:26,416
Excuse me.
1260
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:31,207
Someone actually beautiful
is coming through. Me.
1261
00:57:31,208 --> 00:57:32,416
[music fades]
1262
00:57:33,375 --> 00:57:35,125
[chill music playing]
1263
00:57:39,125 --> 00:57:40,375
Surprise!
1264
00:57:41,041 --> 00:57:42,665
- Meg!
- [Megan] Lainy.
1265
00:57:42,666 --> 00:57:43,915
Hey!
1266
00:57:43,916 --> 00:57:45,582
Oh my God, Lainy.
1267
00:57:45,583 --> 00:57:47,000
Your room is so cute.
1268
00:57:47,583 --> 00:57:49,083
It's so sweet.
1269
00:57:50,083 --> 00:57:52,499
Thank you! That is so nice.
1270
00:57:52,500 --> 00:57:53,791
Oh, I love it.
1271
00:57:54,750 --> 00:57:59,082
What are you doing here in
my... belly of the woods?
1272
00:57:59,083 --> 00:58:02,124
A prenatal depression workshop's
nearby that's supposed to be amazing.
1273
00:58:02,125 --> 00:58:03,666
So I thought I'd
come surprise you.
1274
00:58:04,250 --> 00:58:06,332
Oh, cool. I don't have that.
1275
00:58:06,333 --> 00:58:07,333
Oh.
1276
00:58:07,916 --> 00:58:09,540
Okay, well, I do. [chuckling]
1277
00:58:09,541 --> 00:58:11,833
You're gonna make me
face these chicks alone?
1278
00:58:13,083 --> 00:58:14,083
No.
1279
00:58:14,750 --> 00:58:16,750
I wouldn't do that
to a friend. I'm in.
1280
00:58:19,208 --> 00:58:22,332
- It's supposed to be very therapeutic.
- Okay, great.
1281
00:58:22,333 --> 00:58:24,165
- We'll just give it a go.
- Let's do it.
1282
00:58:24,166 --> 00:58:26,374
- My God, you really popped this week.
- Didn't I?
1283
00:58:26,375 --> 00:58:28,250
[Megan] Yeah. It
just kind of hits.
1284
00:58:33,958 --> 00:58:36,874
I didn't know so many women
got depressed during pregnancy.
1285
00:58:36,875 --> 00:58:40,583
Yeah. Because we're so ashamed for
not just bubbling over with gratitude.
1286
00:58:41,166 --> 00:58:43,957
[Fallon] Excuse me, legitimate
pregnant lady coming through.
1287
00:58:43,958 --> 00:58:44,958
Six weeks.
1288
00:58:45,833 --> 00:58:47,957
Nice boobs. I can say
that. I've got them.
1289
00:58:47,958 --> 00:58:51,250
I've got them too. It's not
offensive if you have them.
1290
00:58:52,833 --> 00:58:54,249
What the hell are
you doing here?
1291
00:58:54,250 --> 00:58:57,040
Oh, I see. Good enough
for thee, but not for me.
1292
00:58:57,041 --> 00:58:58,540
You're a pregnancy tourist.
1293
00:58:58,541 --> 00:59:00,749
- You shouldn't be here.
- You shouldn't be here.
1294
00:59:00,750 --> 00:59:02,249
- You shouldn't.
- You shouldn't.
1295
00:59:02,250 --> 00:59:03,458
Get...
1296
00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,707
Don't punch my baby!
1297
00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:06,916
[woman] Hello, ladies.
1298
00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:08,749
How are you guys doing?
1299
00:59:08,750 --> 00:59:10,374
[all] Good.
1300
00:59:10,375 --> 00:59:11,458
Bullshit!
1301
00:59:12,583 --> 00:59:14,749
You don't have to
lie in here, sisters.
1302
00:59:14,750 --> 00:59:16,499
This is a place of truth.
1303
00:59:16,500 --> 00:59:19,583
How do you really feel
during your pregnancies?
1304
00:59:20,708 --> 00:59:21,708
Tell me.
1305
00:59:22,458 --> 00:59:23,500
Come on.
1306
00:59:24,333 --> 00:59:25,415
I'm angry.
1307
00:59:25,416 --> 00:59:27,750
I ate a cupcake out of
the trash can last night.
1308
00:59:28,416 --> 00:59:30,665
My nipples are so dry!
1309
00:59:30,666 --> 00:59:31,875
[all] Yes!
1310
00:59:33,083 --> 00:59:33,957
Thank you.
1311
00:59:33,958 --> 00:59:34,915
I know.
1312
00:59:34,916 --> 00:59:36,458
- [sobs]
- I've got a hairy butthole.
1313
00:59:37,250 --> 00:59:38,457
What the hell are you doing?
1314
00:59:38,458 --> 00:59:40,415
- I've got a hairy butthole.
- Shut up.
1315
00:59:40,416 --> 00:59:42,082
[screams]
1316
00:59:42,083 --> 00:59:44,458
[all screaming]
1317
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:50,290
All right, ladies. We are going
to take a quick pee break,
1318
00:59:50,291 --> 00:59:52,499
which we'll be doing
every three minutes.
1319
00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:55,290
And if you're the one woman who can
still shit while she's pregnant,
1320
00:59:55,291 --> 00:59:56,875
good for you. Now
is your chance.
1321
00:59:57,500 --> 00:59:59,915
- Thank you so much. This is great.
- Of course.
1322
00:59:59,916 --> 01:00:02,250
Get it out. She's amazing.
1323
01:00:02,791 --> 01:00:04,707
Oh, shit. My sitter just bailed.
1324
01:00:04,708 --> 01:00:07,000
Oh, sorry. That sucks.
1325
01:00:07,750 --> 01:00:10,166
Would you mind watching
Connor tomorrow night?
1326
01:00:10,750 --> 01:00:12,499
[sighs] I don't know.
1327
01:00:12,500 --> 01:00:14,332
Please. It's Steve's birthday.
1328
01:00:14,333 --> 01:00:17,750
Josh has a hockey game he has to work,
and I don't have anybody else to ask.
1329
01:00:18,666 --> 01:00:20,250
It's kind of nice to be needed.
1330
01:00:21,291 --> 01:00:22,374
Yeah, of course.
1331
01:00:22,375 --> 01:00:23,958
We love having you over.
1332
01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:25,916
Josh especially.
1333
01:00:27,125 --> 01:00:29,457
- Really?
- Oh, cool. She's also bailing tonight.
1334
01:00:29,458 --> 01:00:30,541
Okay, I got to go.
1335
01:00:31,083 --> 01:00:34,332
- ["The One" by M.I.A. playing]
- ♪ Got a ticket for the city that's fire ♪
1336
01:00:34,333 --> 01:00:37,750
♪ Tech 9 for the side
that'll fight ya ♪
1337
01:00:38,750 --> 01:00:39,875
[softly] Thanks.
1338
01:00:41,125 --> 01:00:44,125
- ♪ Put your picket down come on and riot ♪
- [clears throat]
1339
01:00:45,458 --> 01:00:47,250
- [song stops]
- [train chimes]
1340
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,208
[mouthing] Fuck you.
1341
01:00:51,500 --> 01:00:53,125
- [knock on door]
- [Megan] Hmm.
1342
01:00:55,583 --> 01:00:57,124
- Hi!
- [Lainy] Hi!
1343
01:00:57,125 --> 01:01:00,165
[Megan] Thank you so
much. You are a lifesaver.
1344
01:01:00,166 --> 01:01:02,457
My pleasure. You look beautiful.
1345
01:01:02,458 --> 01:01:03,999
- Thank you. I showered.
- Yeah.
1346
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:05,416
Hey, Connor, off the couch.
1347
01:01:06,166 --> 01:01:08,749
Oh, hey. Uh, guess who
we're going to see?
1348
01:01:08,750 --> 01:01:09,665
Wow.
1349
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:12,124
- Hey, I might shave my head. Why not?
- Do it.
1350
01:01:12,125 --> 01:01:14,332
- Please don't do that.
- Okay, well, have fun.
1351
01:01:14,333 --> 01:01:15,707
- Thank you so much.
- Go.
1352
01:01:15,708 --> 01:01:17,624
I still want to throw
you that shower.
1353
01:01:17,625 --> 01:01:19,290
Okay, no, but go
have a good time.
1354
01:01:19,291 --> 01:01:21,124
- We're fine. We got it.
- Thank you. Bye.
1355
01:01:21,125 --> 01:01:22,375
[Lainy] All right. Bye.
1356
01:01:25,750 --> 01:01:27,083
Hi.
1357
01:01:29,041 --> 01:01:29,999
Hi.
1358
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:31,290
Oh, yeah!
1359
01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:32,499
Do you want this?
1360
01:01:32,500 --> 01:01:34,583
But, yeah, I thought
we were going to...
1361
01:01:36,083 --> 01:01:37,499
get married, start a family.
1362
01:01:37,500 --> 01:01:39,915
[exclaiming]
1363
01:01:39,916 --> 01:01:43,582
Did you ever tell such a big lie
you don't know how to get out of it?
1364
01:01:43,583 --> 01:01:45,457
[upbeat pop music playing]
1365
01:01:45,458 --> 01:01:47,457
I ate the whole cookie.
1366
01:01:47,458 --> 01:01:50,124
- Peek-a-boo.
- Oh my God! Oh my God.
1367
01:01:50,125 --> 01:01:52,624
- You scared me.
- I was over here.
1368
01:01:52,625 --> 01:01:54,665
- Let me tell you a real story.
- [music fades]
1369
01:01:54,666 --> 01:01:56,750
[Lainy breathing deeply]
1370
01:01:57,458 --> 01:01:59,125
There was once a family...
1371
01:02:00,875 --> 01:02:03,458
of beautiful,
beautiful princesses...
1372
01:02:05,125 --> 01:02:06,875
called the Kardashians.
1373
01:02:07,500 --> 01:02:11,332
And they lived in a palace
1374
01:02:11,333 --> 01:02:15,165
that their dad bought them
by defending a murderer.
1375
01:02:15,166 --> 01:02:16,082
[Connor gasping]
1376
01:02:16,083 --> 01:02:16,999
Hey, hey.
1377
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:18,374
Uncle Joshy.
1378
01:02:18,375 --> 01:02:21,665
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah, don't
get all riled up, Con-man.
1379
01:02:21,666 --> 01:02:22,749
Yeah, sorry.
1380
01:02:22,750 --> 01:02:24,957
I thought I'd do a
little better with that.
1381
01:02:24,958 --> 01:02:26,000
You're very cute.
1382
01:02:26,708 --> 01:02:29,207
Let's read the book
we like, all right?
1383
01:02:29,208 --> 01:02:30,416
[Josh grunting]
1384
01:02:31,500 --> 01:02:34,625
The Book with No Pictures.
1385
01:02:35,583 --> 01:02:38,708
"This is a book
with no pictures."
1386
01:02:40,083 --> 01:02:41,457
"It might seem like no fun
1387
01:02:41,458 --> 01:02:44,000
to have someone read you
a book with no pictures."
1388
01:02:44,833 --> 01:02:48,165
"Probably seems
boring and serious."
1389
01:02:48,166 --> 01:02:51,415
"Except, here's how books work."
1390
01:02:51,416 --> 01:02:55,707
"Everything the words say, the
person reading the book has to say."
1391
01:02:55,708 --> 01:02:57,416
[tender music playing]
1392
01:02:59,500 --> 01:03:03,040
"Now it's time for me to
sing you my favorite song."
1393
01:03:03,041 --> 01:03:05,749
♪ "Glug, glug, glug
My face is a bug" ♪
1394
01:03:05,750 --> 01:03:09,333
♪ "I eat ants for breakfast
Right off of a rug" ♪
1395
01:03:12,916 --> 01:03:14,875
[Lainy breathing
deeply, exhaling]
1396
01:03:18,125 --> 01:03:19,291
[light switch clicking]
1397
01:03:44,875 --> 01:03:46,541
Want to come back to my place?
1398
01:03:48,625 --> 01:03:51,750
The garage. Right
down... downstairs.
1399
01:03:54,333 --> 01:03:55,958
[breathing heavily]
1400
01:04:00,958 --> 01:04:02,165
It's roomy.
1401
01:04:02,166 --> 01:04:04,624
Well, the car's not here.
It's usually right there.
1402
01:04:04,625 --> 01:04:07,166
Okay, I want to
have sex with you.
1403
01:04:07,833 --> 01:04:09,207
Fantastic.
1404
01:04:09,208 --> 01:04:12,790
But I'm very self-conscious of
my body right now, as I've said.
1405
01:04:12,791 --> 01:04:14,207
Sure, yes.
1406
01:04:14,208 --> 01:04:15,915
So, there's going to
be a couple rules.
1407
01:04:15,916 --> 01:04:18,082
Okay, great. I'm
down with rules.
1408
01:04:18,083 --> 01:04:21,415
You know, Cider House,
Vanderpump, all the rules.
1409
01:04:21,416 --> 01:04:23,790
Okay, well, just two rules.
1410
01:04:23,791 --> 01:04:25,708
No touching me and
no looking at me.
1411
01:04:26,458 --> 01:04:28,332
Oh, okay. I mean, you know,
1412
01:04:28,333 --> 01:04:31,290
it's not exactly the
experience I had pictured,
1413
01:04:31,291 --> 01:04:35,207
but if that doth what
m'lady require of...
1414
01:04:35,208 --> 01:04:37,749
- What?
- Yes. Yes. It's cool.
1415
01:04:37,750 --> 01:04:38,833
Great.
1416
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:41,333
I'll be right back.
1417
01:04:41,958 --> 01:04:43,041
Okay.
1418
01:04:44,583 --> 01:04:45,624
[Lainy] You okay?
1419
01:04:45,625 --> 01:04:47,500
Yeah, I just...
You surprised me.
1420
01:04:48,125 --> 01:04:50,416
Hands locked in this position.
1421
01:04:51,375 --> 01:04:52,375
Okay.
1422
01:04:53,083 --> 01:04:55,207
["Sex With Me" by
Rihanna playing]
1423
01:04:55,208 --> 01:04:58,791
♪ All this all
work, no vacation ♪
1424
01:04:59,458 --> 01:05:03,083
♪ Stay up off my Instagram
Pure temptation ♪
1425
01:05:03,666 --> 01:05:05,790
♪ Hit a switch on
a fake ♪♪♪♪♪... ♪
1426
01:05:05,791 --> 01:05:09,207
I want to go down on you, but
I don't really know how to.
1427
01:05:09,208 --> 01:05:10,874
Oh, well,
1428
01:05:10,875 --> 01:05:17,499
you just, like, lick around the clitoris
and if you can sneak a finger in, great.
1429
01:05:17,500 --> 01:05:20,290
No, no, no. I know how to.
1430
01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:22,082
I don't know how to get there.
1431
01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,915
- Oh. Right, right.
- Hand in the...
1432
01:05:23,916 --> 01:05:26,375
Well, maybe I can go up on you.
1433
01:05:27,250 --> 01:05:28,250
Problem solved.
1434
01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:30,541
Okay. Yeah.
1435
01:05:31,541 --> 01:05:33,582
- Okay.
- Get on up there.
1436
01:05:33,583 --> 01:05:36,082
Okay, just let me know
when you're kind of close.
1437
01:05:36,083 --> 01:05:37,125
Okay.
1438
01:05:37,625 --> 01:05:39,124
♪ I'm off that la-la ♪
1439
01:05:39,125 --> 01:05:40,874
♪ I'mma get it
wet like jacuzzi ♪
1440
01:05:40,875 --> 01:05:43,333
- Okay, I feel your feet there.
- Yeah.
1441
01:05:44,333 --> 01:05:47,165
- Tell me when you're close.
- Okay, I'm...
1442
01:05:47,166 --> 01:05:49,291
I'm trying to make my landing.
1443
01:05:50,166 --> 01:05:51,915
Yeah, you know, I don't...
1444
01:05:51,916 --> 01:05:54,457
- Okay, I'm gonna...
- How long...
1445
01:05:54,458 --> 01:05:56,541
- You're still up there. Okay.
- Let me...
1446
01:05:57,666 --> 01:05:59,374
See. I'm gonna kind of...
1447
01:05:59,375 --> 01:06:01,499
All right, this might
work better. Okay.
1448
01:06:01,500 --> 01:06:02,582
What's...
1449
01:06:02,583 --> 01:06:04,999
- Just...
- Just describe what you're doing.
1450
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:07,290
I'm, like, trying
to sit on your...
1451
01:06:07,291 --> 01:06:10,582
No, that's, you know what,
that's not... It's fine.
1452
01:06:10,583 --> 01:06:13,082
- I think I'm okay.
- Okay.
1453
01:06:13,083 --> 01:06:15,499
I don't need you to do that.
That's really sweet, but I'm...
1454
01:06:15,500 --> 01:06:17,749
- Okay.
- I'm ready, you know.
1455
01:06:17,750 --> 01:06:19,874
- Okay, sure.
- She ready, you know.
1456
01:06:19,875 --> 01:06:21,665
Are you? Oh, you're ready.
1457
01:06:21,666 --> 01:06:23,749
- Okay, okay.
- Wow. Nice.
1458
01:06:23,750 --> 01:06:25,291
- Thank you.
- Yeah
1459
01:06:28,083 --> 01:06:30,000
- Oh, my God.
- That feels good.
1460
01:06:31,916 --> 01:06:32,958
[both moaning]
1461
01:06:34,083 --> 01:06:36,999
Oh, that feels so good.
You like that, Iceman?
1462
01:06:37,000 --> 01:06:38,374
Who is Iceman?
1463
01:06:38,375 --> 01:06:40,332
You. Because you
drive a Zamboni?
1464
01:06:40,333 --> 01:06:42,499
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Okay, I don't have to...
1465
01:06:42,500 --> 01:06:44,499
- Just trying something.
- No, I love it.
1466
01:06:44,500 --> 01:06:46,040
- I love it. I'm Iceman.
- Okay.
1467
01:06:46,041 --> 01:06:48,457
- The Iceman Cometh.
- Oh, yeah.
1468
01:06:48,458 --> 01:06:50,582
- I mean, not yet. Not yet.
- Okay.
1469
01:06:50,583 --> 01:06:52,499
Let me try it the other way.
1470
01:06:52,500 --> 01:06:54,915
- Oh, I was liking that.
- Yeah, but this is better.
1471
01:06:54,916 --> 01:06:56,082
This will be good.
1472
01:06:56,083 --> 01:06:57,665
- Okay.
- This is...
1473
01:06:57,666 --> 01:07:01,041
- All right. Back in business.
- Oh my God.
1474
01:07:01,666 --> 01:07:03,832
[moaning softly]
1475
01:07:03,833 --> 01:07:05,207
- [Lainy] Oh my God.
- So good.
1476
01:07:05,208 --> 01:07:06,750
Oh, God.
1477
01:07:08,583 --> 01:07:11,457
- Wait. Is that the garage?
- No, no. It's fine.
1478
01:07:11,458 --> 01:07:13,707
- Where's the clicker?
- I got it. I got it.
1479
01:07:13,708 --> 01:07:15,916
[Josh] Okay. Neighbors?
1480
01:07:17,291 --> 01:07:18,875
Is there anybody out there?
1481
01:07:21,125 --> 01:07:23,290
Close it. Somebody's
gonna come by.
1482
01:07:23,291 --> 01:07:25,083
[door whirring]
1483
01:07:29,208 --> 01:07:31,207
["You Send Me" by
Sam Cooke playing]
1484
01:07:31,208 --> 01:07:33,666
♪ Darling, you send me ♪
1485
01:07:34,250 --> 01:07:38,624
♪ I know you send me ♪
1486
01:07:38,625 --> 01:07:40,083
That was really nice.
1487
01:07:40,833 --> 01:07:41,833
Yeah.
1488
01:07:44,583 --> 01:07:45,790
It's a great view.
1489
01:07:45,791 --> 01:07:47,124
[cart rattling]
1490
01:07:47,125 --> 01:07:48,208
Thank you.
1491
01:07:49,750 --> 01:07:51,540
Hey!
1492
01:07:51,541 --> 01:07:52,832
[Lainy] Hey.
1493
01:07:52,833 --> 01:07:54,749
[both laugh]
1494
01:07:54,750 --> 01:07:55,750
[Lainy snorting]
1495
01:07:56,958 --> 01:07:58,125
Oh my God.
1496
01:08:00,750 --> 01:08:01,833
Can I be honest with you?
1497
01:08:03,291 --> 01:08:04,291
Yeah?
1498
01:08:06,166 --> 01:08:07,166
I...
1499
01:08:09,500 --> 01:08:12,000
I haven't felt this
connected to someone...
1500
01:08:13,500 --> 01:08:14,708
like, ever.
1501
01:08:16,541 --> 01:08:17,874
Me, too.
1502
01:08:17,875 --> 01:08:21,041
Good, because I really...
1503
01:08:22,125 --> 01:08:24,416
I think we could make this work.
1504
01:08:25,125 --> 01:08:29,041
I do. Like, you and me and
the little person in there.
1505
01:08:32,666 --> 01:08:33,833
[Josh chuckling softly]
1506
01:08:34,458 --> 01:08:38,708
It just feels so good to finally
be able to trust somebody again.
1507
01:08:39,750 --> 01:08:41,500
I totally trust you.
1508
01:08:42,458 --> 01:08:45,374
I didn't know if I'd ever
feel like this again.
1509
01:08:45,375 --> 01:08:46,749
Mm-hmm.
1510
01:08:46,750 --> 01:08:47,875
[sighs]
1511
01:08:48,375 --> 01:08:51,624
- I can't do this.
- Can't do... Can't do what?
1512
01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:53,415
- I'm sorry.
- Wait...
1513
01:08:53,416 --> 01:08:56,749
- I have to... I have to leave.
- [somber music playing]
1514
01:08:56,750 --> 01:08:58,790
Wait. Can't do what?
1515
01:08:58,791 --> 01:08:59,874
You have Connor?
1516
01:08:59,875 --> 01:09:02,041
Yeah. Wait, what did I say?
1517
01:09:02,916 --> 01:09:04,458
Why are you leaving?
1518
01:09:09,166 --> 01:09:10,707
[music fades]
1519
01:09:10,708 --> 01:09:11,665
[indistinct chatter]
1520
01:09:11,666 --> 01:09:13,624
[Lainy] Everyone
just stick together.
1521
01:09:13,625 --> 01:09:16,082
[woman] No touching
the butterflies.
1522
01:09:16,083 --> 01:09:18,582
Do not disrupt
their metamorphosis.
1523
01:09:18,583 --> 01:09:19,874
I'm totally fucked.
1524
01:09:19,875 --> 01:09:22,124
Are you? 'Cause the
way I understand it
1525
01:09:22,125 --> 01:09:24,457
is Josh is the one that
got bit of a fucking.
1526
01:09:24,458 --> 01:09:27,415
- [grunts and squeals]
- Stop it! Come on!
1527
01:09:27,416 --> 01:09:30,416
Sorry. Butterflies
make me anxious.
1528
01:09:31,166 --> 01:09:34,415
[sighing] I almost told
him. I almost and then I...
1529
01:09:34,416 --> 01:09:36,499
- [shudders]
- [woman] No touching.
1530
01:09:36,500 --> 01:09:39,207
I don't know what relationship
could possibly survive
1531
01:09:39,208 --> 01:09:41,165
this level of dishonesty.
1532
01:09:41,166 --> 01:09:43,999
I've lied so much. I
don't know what to do.
1533
01:09:44,000 --> 01:09:47,708
He's going to find out the truth about
my pregnancy at some point, right?
1534
01:09:48,333 --> 01:09:50,291
I mean, he's not going
to forget about a baby.
1535
01:09:51,333 --> 01:09:54,291
God. I can't believe I
fell for Meg's brother.
1536
01:09:54,875 --> 01:09:58,666
- It's ridiculous. Like, I really like him.
- [tense, whimsical music playing]
1537
01:09:59,708 --> 01:10:01,833
You're going to have
to get that baby out.
1538
01:10:02,916 --> 01:10:04,666
I need to get rid of my baby.
1539
01:10:05,333 --> 01:10:06,500
Oh, shit.
1540
01:10:07,416 --> 01:10:09,416
Why are they only
landing on you?
1541
01:10:10,291 --> 01:10:12,749
- Are they on me?
- Yeah.
1542
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:15,832
Are they on me right
now? Right now?
1543
01:10:15,833 --> 01:10:17,832
- Yeah.
- Get bug spray.
1544
01:10:17,833 --> 01:10:20,207
Get some bug spray.
Get them off me.
1545
01:10:20,208 --> 01:10:22,665
- Get these evil demons off me!
- Stop it.
1546
01:10:22,666 --> 01:10:23,874
[shrieking]
1547
01:10:23,875 --> 01:10:25,624
- Sorry. She's fine.
- No touching.
1548
01:10:25,625 --> 01:10:27,707
I didn't touch them!
They were touching me!
1549
01:10:27,708 --> 01:10:30,624
Please don't raise your
voice in here, ma'am.
1550
01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:31,832
I will fight you.
1551
01:10:31,833 --> 01:10:33,832
I'll fuck you up.
1552
01:10:33,833 --> 01:10:37,207
I will bite your
fucking aorta right out.
1553
01:10:37,208 --> 01:10:39,040
Butterflies, attack!
1554
01:10:39,041 --> 01:10:40,915
- I'm coming to get you.
- Come on.
1555
01:10:40,916 --> 01:10:42,750
[woman] Piece of shit bitch.
1556
01:10:44,041 --> 01:10:46,041
[whispering indistinctly]
1557
01:10:49,916 --> 01:10:51,374
[Kate] Thanks for meeting me.
1558
01:10:51,375 --> 01:10:52,500
[Lainy] Of course.
1559
01:10:56,416 --> 01:10:57,416
How are you?
1560
01:10:58,500 --> 01:11:00,666
I'm good. I stopped
puking, so...
1561
01:11:01,750 --> 01:11:03,041
That's great.
1562
01:11:05,083 --> 01:11:07,040
How about you? Are you puking?
1563
01:11:07,041 --> 01:11:08,041
No.
1564
01:11:10,250 --> 01:11:12,207
- Why would I be puking?
- I don't know.
1565
01:11:12,208 --> 01:11:15,583
Sometimes in the
morning people get...
1566
01:11:17,708 --> 01:11:19,958
like, their tummy
rumbles and... Nothing?
1567
01:11:22,625 --> 01:11:23,874
Are you okay?
1568
01:11:23,875 --> 01:11:24,958
Yeah.
1569
01:11:26,291 --> 01:11:28,833
I guess I'm just nervous
about the baby shower.
1570
01:11:30,750 --> 01:11:33,666
It's gonna be great.
Thanks for including me.
1571
01:11:35,500 --> 01:11:36,750
What does that mean?
1572
01:11:37,958 --> 01:11:39,707
What? Thanks for including me.
1573
01:11:39,708 --> 01:11:42,333
Why would you not be invited?
You're my best friend.
1574
01:11:44,916 --> 01:11:46,541
It's okay. I...
1575
01:11:47,416 --> 01:11:48,332
You and Shirley.
1576
01:11:48,333 --> 01:11:49,915
It looks like it's
gonna be amazing.
1577
01:11:49,916 --> 01:11:52,165
It's gonna be better than
anything I could have done.
1578
01:11:52,166 --> 01:11:54,332
I have to actually run.
1579
01:11:54,333 --> 01:11:56,332
I have like a million
papers to grade.
1580
01:11:56,333 --> 01:11:57,915
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
1581
01:11:57,916 --> 01:11:58,999
- You're okay?
- Yeah.
1582
01:11:59,000 --> 01:12:00,083
Okay. All right.
1583
01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:03,083
[emotional music playing]
1584
01:12:11,375 --> 01:12:13,666
- [upbeat music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
1585
01:12:22,750 --> 01:12:25,124
[Rawn] I wanna see a
paternity test, am I right?
1586
01:12:25,125 --> 01:12:28,124
No. I can't believe someone's
gonna be calling me "daddy" soon.
1587
01:12:28,125 --> 01:12:30,040
- [exclaims]
- [all laughing]
1588
01:12:30,041 --> 01:12:31,125
Wow.
1589
01:12:31,583 --> 01:12:33,750
- [Fallon] Hey, look what I found.
- What?
1590
01:12:35,000 --> 01:12:36,915
- [alpaca grunting]
- What the fuck is that?
1591
01:12:36,916 --> 01:12:38,499
I've always wanted a cow.
1592
01:12:38,500 --> 01:12:40,374
That's an alpaca.
1593
01:12:40,375 --> 01:12:42,582
I've been milking her
for an hour and a half
1594
01:12:42,583 --> 01:12:44,415
because they only have
fake milk at the bar.
1595
01:12:44,416 --> 01:12:48,332
I only got like a teaspoon for
this macchiato with little Bessie.
1596
01:12:48,333 --> 01:12:49,500
What a giver.
1597
01:12:51,833 --> 01:12:53,457
- That's obviously a boy.
- What?
1598
01:12:53,458 --> 01:12:55,500
You've been jerking
off a boy alpaca.
1599
01:12:56,250 --> 01:12:59,582
That explains the sounds,
and it's quite salty too.
1600
01:12:59,583 --> 01:13:00,791
[Fallon slurping]
1601
01:13:01,916 --> 01:13:02,916
Macchiato?
1602
01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,375
I'm gonna pass.
1603
01:13:05,000 --> 01:13:07,125
Garrett, can you take
this cow to my car?
1604
01:13:08,541 --> 01:13:09,874
Hi, Lainy.
1605
01:13:09,875 --> 01:13:11,083
Hey, Connor.
1606
01:13:11,750 --> 01:13:12,791
Connor?
1607
01:13:13,583 --> 01:13:15,708
[gasps] Oh, shit.
1608
01:13:17,125 --> 01:13:18,541
[suspenseful music playing]
1609
01:13:22,250 --> 01:13:24,208
- Fuck.
- Is that your man?
1610
01:13:25,916 --> 01:13:28,457
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
1611
01:13:28,458 --> 01:13:29,458
Fuck!
1612
01:13:34,250 --> 01:13:35,750
She's gotta be here somewhere.
1613
01:13:38,125 --> 01:13:39,125
[Lainy grunting]
1614
01:13:39,916 --> 01:13:43,415
Hey! What are you gorgeous
humans doing here?
1615
01:13:43,416 --> 01:13:45,249
Your friend Shirley invited us.
1616
01:13:45,250 --> 01:13:47,707
[chuckles nervously]
Classic Shirley.
1617
01:13:47,708 --> 01:13:49,666
Why haven't you
returned my calls?
1618
01:13:50,250 --> 01:13:51,375
Calls? What?
1619
01:13:52,083 --> 01:13:52,915
You okay?
1620
01:13:52,916 --> 01:13:54,208
Never better.
1621
01:13:54,875 --> 01:13:56,665
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
1622
01:13:56,666 --> 01:13:59,707
Are these your friends
you've never mentioned?
1623
01:13:59,708 --> 01:14:01,540
Mm-hmm. Josh.
1624
01:14:01,541 --> 01:14:02,707
- Hi.
- Hi.
1625
01:14:02,708 --> 01:14:04,374
- And Megan.
- Hi.
1626
01:14:04,375 --> 01:14:06,165
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
1627
01:14:06,166 --> 01:14:08,374
And then there's
Steve and Connor.
1628
01:14:08,375 --> 01:14:10,415
[Shirley whistles] Everyone!
1629
01:14:10,416 --> 01:14:11,415
[Shirley clapping]
1630
01:14:11,416 --> 01:14:16,332
May I have your...
attention please.
1631
01:14:16,333 --> 01:14:17,624
Thank you.
1632
01:14:17,625 --> 01:14:19,124
Um...
1633
01:14:19,125 --> 01:14:21,290
- First off, Kate and I are so happy...
- [mouthing]
1634
01:14:21,291 --> 01:14:23,207
that you could make
it to our baby shower.
1635
01:14:23,208 --> 01:14:25,165
Round of applause!
1636
01:14:25,166 --> 01:14:27,249
[all cheering and applauding]
1637
01:14:27,250 --> 01:14:28,540
- Hi.
- Hi.
1638
01:14:28,541 --> 01:14:30,082
Um... [chuckles]
1639
01:14:30,083 --> 01:14:32,915
Well, I didn't know that it
was gonna be this insane,
1640
01:14:32,916 --> 01:14:36,332
but it does look kind of cool,
so thanks for making me do this.
1641
01:14:36,333 --> 01:14:38,499
- Stop it.
- What? Oh.
1642
01:14:38,500 --> 01:14:39,583
Like, I love you.
1643
01:14:40,375 --> 01:14:41,290
Give me a break.
1644
01:14:41,291 --> 01:14:43,749
- Yeah.
- It's like so many emotions.
1645
01:14:43,750 --> 01:14:46,333
Sorry. [exhales] But...
1646
01:14:46,833 --> 01:14:48,458
[microphone feedbacking]
1647
01:14:49,500 --> 01:14:51,916
I wanna talk about
someone else for a minute.
1648
01:14:53,666 --> 01:14:58,500
Someone we all know and
love named Lainy! Whoo!
1649
01:15:00,541 --> 01:15:04,540
No. This is your day. Keep
it focused on you, please.
1650
01:15:04,541 --> 01:15:07,874
Lainy, everyone at
school and on the web
1651
01:15:07,875 --> 01:15:10,374
knows that I am the sexiest
teacher in the world
1652
01:15:10,375 --> 01:15:12,582
and that kindness is
my favorite hobby.
1653
01:15:12,583 --> 01:15:14,707
So I want this to
be your day, too.
1654
01:15:14,708 --> 01:15:17,499
I don't want it to be. It's your
day, so please leave me alone.
1655
01:15:17,500 --> 01:15:20,165
- Really, please leave me alone.
- Okay. Come here.
1656
01:15:20,166 --> 01:15:23,249
Context, Lainy is pregnant
and thinking of terminating,
1657
01:15:23,250 --> 01:15:26,249
which is so fine because you know
I'm pro-choice like a Rolls Royce.
1658
01:15:26,250 --> 01:15:27,582
Oh my God.
1659
01:15:27,583 --> 01:15:29,624
But this could be our
unicorn's last chance!
1660
01:15:29,625 --> 01:15:31,540
Wait, no, you need to
go into the wrinkles.
1661
01:15:31,541 --> 01:15:33,499
So we're hoping that
we can talk her...
1662
01:15:33,500 --> 01:15:34,916
- into keeping it, right?
- Stop.
1663
01:15:35,583 --> 01:15:38,040
- [Rawn] Yes!
- [Shirley] My God, the chat is on fire.
1664
01:15:38,041 --> 01:15:39,999
- Enough.
- Wait, no, that's my phone.
1665
01:15:40,000 --> 01:15:42,290
No, I'm turning it off.
You're acting like a crazy...
1666
01:15:42,291 --> 01:15:43,332
Stop it!
1667
01:15:43,333 --> 01:15:45,750
- Oh my God!
- Enough!
1668
01:15:46,958 --> 01:15:48,874
I'm not having an abortion!
1669
01:15:48,875 --> 01:15:50,707
Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
1670
01:15:50,708 --> 01:15:52,333
Jesus, Shirley, I would.
1671
01:15:53,000 --> 01:15:53,957
Kate has.
1672
01:15:53,958 --> 01:15:55,249
My mom tried.
1673
01:15:55,250 --> 01:15:57,874
Wait, so you are
having the baby! Whoo!
1674
01:15:57,875 --> 01:16:00,374
[all chanting] Keep it!
Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!
1675
01:16:00,375 --> 01:16:02,165
Stop it! Stop it!
1676
01:16:02,166 --> 01:16:06,332
I'm not! I'm not having the baby!
I'm not... I'm not pregnant!
1677
01:16:06,333 --> 01:16:07,790
[crowd murmuring]
1678
01:16:07,791 --> 01:16:09,708
[dramatic music playing]
1679
01:16:11,041 --> 01:16:12,208
I've been lying.
1680
01:16:15,375 --> 01:16:16,625
I'm faking it.
1681
01:16:18,250 --> 01:16:19,708
[all gasp]
1682
01:16:21,791 --> 01:16:22,791
[sighs]
1683
01:16:23,666 --> 01:16:24,666
Meg.
1684
01:16:25,750 --> 01:16:27,500
Steve, get the fucking Mazda.
1685
01:16:31,666 --> 01:16:32,750
[Megan exhaling]
1686
01:16:34,166 --> 01:16:36,458
Josh, let me explain.
1687
01:16:37,916 --> 01:16:39,583
You need serious help.
1688
01:16:42,000 --> 01:16:44,000
[emotional music playing]
1689
01:16:49,333 --> 01:16:50,458
[softly] I'm sorry.
1690
01:16:59,583 --> 01:17:00,916
[footsteps approaching]
1691
01:17:05,791 --> 01:17:07,583
[Kate grunting, sighing]
1692
01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:10,625
[music fades]
1693
01:17:15,250 --> 01:17:16,832
I know you'll never
love me again.
1694
01:17:16,833 --> 01:17:18,833
I just hope someday
you don't hate me.
1695
01:17:21,791 --> 01:17:23,041
I don't hate you.
1696
01:17:25,291 --> 01:17:26,290
You don't?
1697
01:17:26,291 --> 01:17:28,500
No. I love you.
1698
01:17:29,458 --> 01:17:31,166
I knew that something was up.
1699
01:17:32,291 --> 01:17:33,958
I just didn't know what it was.
1700
01:17:35,166 --> 01:17:36,875
I'm not even mad at you.
1701
01:17:37,583 --> 01:17:39,625
I mean, I'm really mad at Mark.
1702
01:17:40,666 --> 01:17:43,333
For not being happy
about this baby at all.
1703
01:17:45,083 --> 01:17:48,000
It's been really hard
doing this without you.
1704
01:17:49,250 --> 01:17:50,874
[sighs] Fuck.
1705
01:17:50,875 --> 01:17:52,207
[emotional music playing]
1706
01:17:52,208 --> 01:17:53,666
I was jealous.
1707
01:17:54,708 --> 01:17:58,332
Of you... I was really
jealous of Mark.
1708
01:17:58,333 --> 01:17:59,375
[Kate scoffing]
1709
01:18:00,125 --> 01:18:01,375
That's funny.
1710
01:18:02,041 --> 01:18:03,040
For real.
1711
01:18:03,041 --> 01:18:06,250
I've always been jealous of Mark. He
gets to spend so much time with you.
1712
01:18:07,291 --> 01:18:08,915
I want to be your husband.
1713
01:18:08,916 --> 01:18:11,874
- You should be. I hate my husband.
- [scoffs]
1714
01:18:11,875 --> 01:18:14,832
Sometimes I'll just look
at him and be like, "God!"
1715
01:18:14,833 --> 01:18:16,665
[both chuckle]
1716
01:18:16,666 --> 01:18:19,541
No. He's a good guy.
1717
01:18:21,250 --> 01:18:22,708
And he loves you so much.
1718
01:18:23,375 --> 01:18:26,833
And he's going to love this baby.
That's who I'm really jealous of.
1719
01:18:27,916 --> 01:18:31,624
This baby gets to have
the coolest, funniest,
1720
01:18:31,625 --> 01:18:34,333
most badass mom in
the whole world.
1721
01:18:35,375 --> 01:18:37,416
You forgot to say sexiest.
1722
01:18:38,333 --> 01:18:41,500
- Most fuckable mom. This baby...
- [laughs]
1723
01:18:43,125 --> 01:18:44,291
No, but really.
1724
01:18:45,625 --> 01:18:47,750
This kid is lucky.
1725
01:18:48,916 --> 01:18:50,082
You really think so?
1726
01:18:50,083 --> 01:18:53,375
Are you serious? You're the
only family I've ever known.
1727
01:18:54,208 --> 01:18:57,040
You getting your own
family made me, like,
1728
01:18:57,041 --> 01:19:00,708
just crazy and desperate
to find my own soulmate.
1729
01:19:01,500 --> 01:19:03,708
Bitch, I'm your soulmate.
1730
01:19:04,291 --> 01:19:05,416
Come here.
1731
01:19:10,041 --> 01:19:13,708
["At Seventeen" by
Janis Ian playing]
1732
01:19:15,500 --> 01:19:19,582
♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪
1733
01:19:19,583 --> 01:19:23,625
♪ That love was meant
for beauty queens ♪
1734
01:19:24,250 --> 01:19:28,250
♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪
1735
01:19:28,750 --> 01:19:30,165
♪ Who married
young and then... ♪
1736
01:19:30,166 --> 01:19:31,374
Hey.
1737
01:19:31,375 --> 01:19:32,374
[song fades]
1738
01:19:32,375 --> 01:19:34,458
I saw the baby on Instagram.
1739
01:19:35,166 --> 01:19:36,499
She's perfect.
1740
01:19:36,500 --> 01:19:38,208
Uh, it's a he.
1741
01:19:39,666 --> 01:19:40,666
[Lainy gasping]
1742
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:44,332
I'm the worst.
1743
01:19:44,333 --> 01:19:47,875
I'm not the kind of person who's going
to comfort someone who's hurt me.
1744
01:19:50,083 --> 01:19:51,083
That's fair.
1745
01:19:52,916 --> 01:19:55,375
All I ever wanted
was to be a mom.
1746
01:19:56,791 --> 01:19:58,250
Since I was a little girl.
1747
01:19:58,875 --> 01:20:00,541
So I put that bump on.
1748
01:20:01,125 --> 01:20:02,833
I went to that
stupid yoga class.
1749
01:20:04,250 --> 01:20:07,833
And I met you. And I couldn't help
but want to be friends with you.
1750
01:20:08,875 --> 01:20:09,916
And I got stuck.
1751
01:20:11,458 --> 01:20:12,999
You could have just told me.
1752
01:20:13,000 --> 01:20:15,666
I know what a mindfuck it is
being a woman, pregnant or not.
1753
01:20:16,416 --> 01:20:19,875
Well, I wanted to tell
you. I was just...
1754
01:20:21,583 --> 01:20:24,999
Do you remember what it's
like to want a family so bad?
1755
01:20:25,000 --> 01:20:27,208
Of course. Of course.
1756
01:20:29,750 --> 01:20:32,832
I've just always wanted
someone to choose me. You know?
1757
01:20:32,833 --> 01:20:34,125
Lainy.
1758
01:20:35,166 --> 01:20:39,040
The most important relationship you are
ever going to have is with yourself.
1759
01:20:39,041 --> 01:20:41,125
[emotional music playing]
1760
01:20:42,041 --> 01:20:43,540
Well, I miss you, girl.
1761
01:20:43,541 --> 01:20:44,791
Come here.
1762
01:20:48,833 --> 01:20:50,499
I'm so sorry.
1763
01:20:50,500 --> 01:20:51,624
[Megan] It's okay.
1764
01:20:51,625 --> 01:20:54,333
Oh my God. I was just
watching this thing and I...
1765
01:20:58,333 --> 01:20:59,583
Oh my God.
1766
01:21:00,875 --> 01:21:03,082
Oh, no, no! No!
1767
01:21:03,083 --> 01:21:05,083
- Yes. Yes.
- [Josh] No! No!
1768
01:21:05,708 --> 01:21:06,958
- No!
- [Megan] Oh my God, Josh!
1769
01:21:07,583 --> 01:21:09,790
- Hey, you get down from there right now!
- No!
1770
01:21:09,791 --> 01:21:11,375
The neighbors are staring!
1771
01:21:12,416 --> 01:21:13,957
I'm not coming down ever!
1772
01:21:13,958 --> 01:21:17,165
Josh, can I please talk to you
for a minute? Just one minute.
1773
01:21:17,166 --> 01:21:18,874
Why? So you can
tell me another lie?
1774
01:21:18,875 --> 01:21:22,124
You're not a teacher. You're
really a lighthouse keeper.
1775
01:21:22,125 --> 01:21:23,500
I lied.
1776
01:21:24,250 --> 01:21:27,582
I lied to you when I told you that
I got pregnant on Thanksgiving.
1777
01:21:27,583 --> 01:21:31,499
I lied to you when I said I
do charity work for animals.
1778
01:21:31,500 --> 01:21:34,290
I don't. I've never done
any charity work, ever.
1779
01:21:34,291 --> 01:21:38,874
I donate canned goods if they're
doing a drive or something,
1780
01:21:38,875 --> 01:21:42,499
but it's just the stuff I don't
want to eat, really, you know?
1781
01:21:42,500 --> 01:21:46,415
French cut green beans,
creamed corn. I, you know...
1782
01:21:46,416 --> 01:21:48,374
- I like cream corn.
- [Megan shushing]
1783
01:21:48,375 --> 01:21:49,290
Steve.
1784
01:21:49,291 --> 01:21:53,958
The point is that I'm not lying to you
when I say I am totally in love with you.
1785
01:21:54,916 --> 01:21:57,666
I know it's a big ask, but
can we just start over?
1786
01:21:59,333 --> 01:22:01,125
My name's not Sasha Fierce.
1787
01:22:02,666 --> 01:22:03,666
Hi.
1788
01:22:05,000 --> 01:22:06,458
My name is Lainy Newton.
1789
01:22:07,583 --> 01:22:08,708
What's yours?
1790
01:22:14,708 --> 01:22:17,416
Haven't you ever done
something stupid for love?
1791
01:22:18,583 --> 01:22:20,583
[Josh inhaling, exhaling]
1792
01:22:24,166 --> 01:22:26,082
Well, it was wrong,
and I'm sorry.
1793
01:22:26,083 --> 01:22:27,916
[somber music playing]
1794
01:22:45,416 --> 01:22:46,583
[Josh] Ow, my arms.
1795
01:22:47,333 --> 01:22:49,333
[whimsical music playing]
1796
01:22:57,125 --> 01:22:58,208
[choir vocalizing]
1797
01:23:11,208 --> 01:23:12,208
[sighs]
1798
01:23:12,791 --> 01:23:13,875
[knock on door]
1799
01:23:15,541 --> 01:23:16,583
[music fades]
1800
01:23:17,125 --> 01:23:18,416
Can I come in?
1801
01:23:20,250 --> 01:23:21,250
No.
1802
01:23:21,750 --> 01:23:23,291
[Dave] I brought steak frites.
1803
01:23:33,166 --> 01:23:34,583
So how you been feeling?
1804
01:23:35,208 --> 01:23:36,832
What do you want, Dave?
1805
01:23:36,833 --> 01:23:39,083
I've never known you
to be this considerate.
1806
01:23:40,666 --> 01:23:41,666
Is it mine?
1807
01:23:45,833 --> 01:23:48,124
- Yes.
- Crap, dammit, I knew it.
1808
01:23:48,125 --> 01:23:50,582
I fucking knew it. I knew it.
1809
01:23:50,583 --> 01:23:52,415
[Dave breathing heavily]
1810
01:23:52,416 --> 01:23:53,582
They're yours.
1811
01:23:53,583 --> 01:23:54,666
They?
1812
01:23:56,125 --> 01:23:57,750
What, like twins?
1813
01:23:58,666 --> 01:24:00,540
Three? Oh, no.
1814
01:24:00,541 --> 01:24:03,915
How? How? [sobs] Oh my God!
1815
01:24:03,916 --> 01:24:04,915
Oh, wait.
1816
01:24:04,916 --> 01:24:06,833
[sobbing]
1817
01:24:07,875 --> 01:24:10,708
No, I can't. I can't do that.
1818
01:24:11,708 --> 01:24:13,749
Oh, my life's over. Shit!
1819
01:24:13,750 --> 01:24:15,290
No, that's good. That's good.
1820
01:24:15,291 --> 01:24:17,915
Yeah, we're gonna...
Yeah, three. That's crazy.
1821
01:24:17,916 --> 01:24:19,583
You gonna keep
all of them, or...
1822
01:24:20,166 --> 01:24:21,540
God, you suck!
1823
01:24:21,541 --> 01:24:22,791
[velcro tearing]
1824
01:24:24,625 --> 01:24:26,582
Oh, it's not real?
That's not real?
1825
01:24:26,583 --> 01:24:28,790
Oh, my... Oh, thank God.
1826
01:24:28,791 --> 01:24:32,666
Fuck yeah! It's not real. Yes!
1827
01:24:33,583 --> 01:24:34,666
[exclaims]
1828
01:24:35,250 --> 01:24:36,749
You are such a dick.
1829
01:24:36,750 --> 01:24:38,375
You're a dick.
1830
01:24:39,166 --> 01:24:41,082
I mean, four years.
1831
01:24:41,083 --> 01:24:44,333
Four fucking years. Were
you ever in love with me?
1832
01:24:44,916 --> 01:24:46,332
Lainy, yes.
1833
01:24:46,333 --> 01:24:47,500
I was.
1834
01:24:48,166 --> 01:24:50,958
Now, did I fall out
of love with you? Yes.
1835
01:24:54,375 --> 01:24:55,375
I'm sorry.
1836
01:24:56,333 --> 01:24:58,207
I'm sorry I couldn't
make you happy.
1837
01:24:58,208 --> 01:25:00,708
No, Lainy, it's not you.
1838
01:25:01,916 --> 01:25:04,374
I realized that I
couldn't make you happy.
1839
01:25:04,375 --> 01:25:08,499
You know, you wanted
to be a wife and a mom,
1840
01:25:08,500 --> 01:25:10,624
and I thought I wanted
that, too, but...
1841
01:25:10,625 --> 01:25:12,416
[breathes deeply, sighs]
1842
01:25:13,166 --> 01:25:16,166
I realized that I
wanted so much more...
1843
01:25:17,916 --> 01:25:19,665
- Success.
- Pussy.
1844
01:25:19,666 --> 01:25:20,750
[Dave sighing]
1845
01:25:22,625 --> 01:25:24,125
[Lainy sighing]
1846
01:25:26,166 --> 01:25:27,583
I do still love you, though.
1847
01:25:28,916 --> 01:25:30,333
I want you to be okay.
1848
01:25:31,875 --> 01:25:32,957
That's sweet.
1849
01:25:32,958 --> 01:25:34,790
[smacking lips] I'm sweet.
1850
01:25:34,791 --> 01:25:36,374
[chuckles]
1851
01:25:36,375 --> 01:25:38,208
You wanna bone one more time?
1852
01:25:38,708 --> 01:25:39,750
No.
1853
01:25:40,916 --> 01:25:42,332
Why don't you head
back over there...
1854
01:25:42,333 --> 01:25:43,749
- before I stab you?
- Right. Okay.
1855
01:25:43,750 --> 01:25:46,833
["Long Time" by Joan Jett
and the Blackhearts playing]
1856
01:25:48,958 --> 01:25:51,250
♪ It's nice of you to say ♪
1857
01:25:52,000 --> 01:25:54,000
♪ We can still be friends ♪
1858
01:25:54,833 --> 01:25:57,415
[straining]
1859
01:25:57,416 --> 01:26:00,041
Yes! Yes!
1860
01:26:00,541 --> 01:26:03,666
♪ Sure I always knew
We were worlds apart ♪
1861
01:26:05,958 --> 01:26:09,291
♪ But that don't help
the sadness In my heart ♪
1862
01:26:09,791 --> 01:26:15,750
♪ It's gonna take a long time
To get you off of my mind ♪
1863
01:26:17,125 --> 01:26:21,624
[all chattering indistinctly]
1864
01:26:21,625 --> 01:26:26,791
♪ Gonna take a long time ♪
1865
01:26:27,541 --> 01:26:28,958
♪ One, two, three... ♪
1866
01:26:33,916 --> 01:26:34,915
[song fades]
1867
01:26:34,916 --> 01:26:36,540
bell hooks said,
1868
01:26:36,541 --> 01:26:39,540
"The one person who
will never leave us,
1869
01:26:39,541 --> 01:26:41,708
whom we will never lose,
1870
01:26:43,291 --> 01:26:44,625
is ourselves."
1871
01:26:45,291 --> 01:26:51,125
"Learning to love our female selves is
where our search for love must begin."
1872
01:26:52,333 --> 01:26:53,790
[Liam] Ms. Newton,
1873
01:26:53,791 --> 01:26:57,124
learning about female
selves is mad boring.
1874
01:26:57,125 --> 01:26:59,666
- Shut off, Liam.
- Okay.
1875
01:27:00,500 --> 01:27:01,832
No more questions, Brett.
1876
01:27:01,833 --> 01:27:03,625
- But, Ms. Newton...
- Brett...
1877
01:27:04,375 --> 01:27:07,540
I need you to back up
off me today, okay?
1878
01:27:07,541 --> 01:27:09,624
But I'm glad we
communicated about this.
1879
01:27:09,625 --> 01:27:13,541
Lainy! There's a
Zamboni outside.
1880
01:27:15,791 --> 01:27:19,208
["Take A Chance On Me" by AWOLNATION
(featuring Jewel) playing]
1881
01:27:20,208 --> 01:27:24,665
♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪
1882
01:27:24,666 --> 01:27:29,124
♪ If you need me, let me
know Gonna be around ♪
1883
01:27:29,125 --> 01:27:33,708
♪ If you've got no place to
go If you're feeling down ♪
1884
01:27:34,833 --> 01:27:39,415
♪ If you're all alone When
the pretty birds have flown ♪
1885
01:27:39,416 --> 01:27:41,915
♪ Honey, I'm still
free, take a chance... ♪
1886
01:27:41,916 --> 01:27:44,000
[engine winding down]
1887
01:27:47,541 --> 01:27:50,415
You know, I once
stole my own car
1888
01:27:50,416 --> 01:27:54,375
so I could use the insurance
money to buy my girlfriend a bag.
1889
01:27:54,958 --> 01:27:57,791
- A bag?
- Yeah, like a designer bag.
1890
01:27:58,875 --> 01:28:00,707
That's really stupid.
1891
01:28:00,708 --> 01:28:02,291
Yeah. Lainy...
1892
01:28:03,458 --> 01:28:04,625
you are insane.
1893
01:28:05,291 --> 01:28:08,125
Really, I think you may
be clinically insane,
1894
01:28:08,958 --> 01:28:11,958
but you make me laugh so much.
1895
01:28:12,583 --> 01:28:14,290
I love the way you look at me.
1896
01:28:14,291 --> 01:28:16,582
And I love looking at you.
1897
01:28:16,583 --> 01:28:18,000
[Shirley] Aw.
1898
01:28:18,500 --> 01:28:22,125
I had the best sex I've ever had
with you and I didn't see anything.
1899
01:28:25,250 --> 01:28:28,915
You know, someone once
said, "Watch out for love,
1900
01:28:28,916 --> 01:28:32,833
unless it is true and every
part of you says yes...
1901
01:28:34,291 --> 01:28:35,541
including the toes."
1902
01:28:37,166 --> 01:28:38,666
Anne Sexton.
1903
01:28:39,416 --> 01:28:42,375
Look, I guess what
I'm saying is...
1904
01:28:43,416 --> 01:28:46,041
Hi, my name is Josh.
1905
01:28:48,250 --> 01:28:50,124
♪ If you're all alone... ♪
1906
01:28:50,125 --> 01:28:52,208
[all cheering]
1907
01:28:52,791 --> 01:28:57,165
♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪
1908
01:28:57,166 --> 01:29:01,624
♪ Gonna do my very best
Baby, can't you see? ♪
1909
01:29:01,625 --> 01:29:06,082
♪ Gotta put me to the
test Take a chance on me ♪
1910
01:29:06,083 --> 01:29:08,415
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
1911
01:29:08,416 --> 01:29:10,832
♪ Come on, give me
a break, will you? ♪
1912
01:29:10,833 --> 01:29:12,915
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
1913
01:29:12,916 --> 01:29:14,582
[engine starting]
1914
01:29:14,583 --> 01:29:17,707
♪ Oh, you can take
your time, baby ♪
1915
01:29:17,708 --> 01:29:19,874
♪ I'm in no hurry ♪
1916
01:29:19,875 --> 01:29:23,124
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
1917
01:29:23,125 --> 01:29:24,125
[zamboni crashing]
1918
01:29:26,208 --> 01:29:28,040
- Oh, sorry!
- Oh, no.
1919
01:29:28,041 --> 01:29:31,207
- [Lainy] Oh, my God, no, I got it!
- [Josh] I drive this!
1920
01:29:31,208 --> 01:29:33,124
- I got it!
- No. Take your foot off the gas!
1921
01:29:33,125 --> 01:29:35,915
- I thought I was on the brake!
- Get out of the way!
1922
01:29:35,916 --> 01:29:37,457
- No, it's not!
- [Lainy] All right!
1923
01:29:37,458 --> 01:29:38,750
You're on the gas!
1924
01:29:39,541 --> 01:29:41,624
- Oh...
- Fuck!
1925
01:29:41,625 --> 01:29:43,500
[all screaming]
1926
01:29:44,333 --> 01:29:46,416
- [man] Look out!
- [screaming]
1927
01:29:47,625 --> 01:29:49,291
- Oh, shit.
- [panting]
1928
01:29:52,208 --> 01:29:54,208
Oh, fuck.
1929
01:29:54,708 --> 01:29:57,708
["Bam Bam (Henry Fong Remix)"
[by Sister Nancy playing]
1930
01:30:56,541 --> 01:30:58,040
[song fades]
1931
01:30:58,041 --> 01:31:00,666
[upbeat music playing]
1932
01:31:30,625 --> 01:31:32,625
[uplifting music playing]
1933
01:37:43,541 --> 01:37:45,083
[music fades]
131803
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