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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,472
It seems today
that all you see.
2
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:07,808
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.
3
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,445
But where are those
good old-fashioned values.
4
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,382
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,551
Lucky there's a family guy.
6
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:21,389
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,057
All the things that make us.
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,425
Laugh and cry.
9
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:30,098
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,138
All right, come on,
hurry up, Brian.
11
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,645
I don't want to miss the movie
trivia slides before the movie.
12
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,193
Peter, those questions
are the easiest,
13
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,244
most pandering things
in the world.
14
00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:49,117
Oh! Oh! Tim Honks!
Tim Honks!
15
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,518
Forrest Gump. I win.
16
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,488
Who?
17
00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:57,958
Ah, good.
It's starting.
18
00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,427
Yeah, that's what you say.
19
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,929
I can never figure out when
the hell the studio logos end
20
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,164
and the actual movie begins.
21
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,967
All right. Let's see
what you got, FOX.
22
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,903
Oh, I bet that's a sea monst...
23
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,605
Oh, that's not the movie.
24
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,074
That's... yeah, I think
I heard of them.
25
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:16,777
Here we go. Movie!
26
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:20,181
Well, now, that seems
intentionally misleading.
27
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:23,251
All right, someone's
coming to town.
28
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,287
Oh, for crying out loud.
29
00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:29,790
Oh, all right. Period movie.
30
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,692
Oh, not a period movie.
31
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,264
Oh, this guy's in trouble.
32
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,266
Can't wait to hear his story.
33
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,302
Oh, come on!
34
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,739
Psst. Hey, Brian.
You want a drink?
35
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,074
You snuck in liquor?
36
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:50,244
Yeah, loosens me up so I can
talk to the people around me.
37
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,112
All right, I'll, uh,
get in on that.
38
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:58,152
Hey, I
already seen this movie.
39
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:01,355
Let's talk... let's talk about
other movies we've seen.
40
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,756
That's an excellent idea.
41
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,326
I like... I like The Madness
of King George.
42
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,927
Well, I don't know
what that is,
43
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,029
but The... The Cat
From Outer Space
44
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,864
is a solid
motion picture.
45
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:13,234
Oh, and... and I like...
I like King Ralph
46
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:15,102
'cause... 'cause that's...
that's the last guy
47
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:17,571
you'd expect to be
king of nothing.
48
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:18,806
Hey, shut up!
49
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,908
Hey, I'm... I'm not
the only one talking.
50
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,511
That... that big guy up
there on the screen's
51
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,446
been talking through
the whole movie.
52
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,348
Hey, jerk. Hey,
you keep it down.
53
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,517
I-I don't...
I don't think he's...
54
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,027
that he's listening to you.
Let's get him.
55
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:34,021
Dear Liesl, I'd like
to be able to tell you
56
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,356
how I feel about you.
57
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:38,792
Leeza, get a... get away
from him. He's a "Nazzi."
58
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,829
I-I know Jews is bad,
but thems is worse.
59
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,297
Sit down!
Move.
60
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,898
Stop blocking
the screen, you jerk!
61
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,501
I don't think... I don't
think you heard me, buddy.
62
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,337
Step away from
the young lady.
63
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:53,907
All right, Ian Ziering,
you asked for it.
64
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:59,280
Oh, my God.
I think I'm in Narnia.
65
00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,748
Where am I?
66
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,816
Hey, those guys
are backwards now.
67
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,252
Get away from her!
68
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,956
We got a report
of a disturban...
69
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,758
Oh, what the hell, Peter?
70
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,126
Joe, thank God.
There's a situation here.
71
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,728
I've got a sore finger.
72
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,930
I don't give a crap.
We got bigger problems!
73
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,970
Mr. Griffin
and Mr. Griffin,
74
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,173
this court finds you guilty
of creating a public disturbance
75
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,975
and destruction
of private property.
76
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,345
And all of this while under
the influence of alcohol.
77
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,547
Your Honor, if you'll
just let us explain...
78
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,049
I've heard all the testimony
I'm prepared to hear.
79
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,785
This court sentences you both
80
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,988
to 30 days
of Alcoholics Anonymous.
81
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,823
Well, Your Honor, in that case,
82
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,493
I'll have to call my surprise
witness, Mr. Sockerby.
83
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:46,736
Mr. Sockerby, before we begin,
84
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,629
have you ever been convicted
of a felony?
85
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,398
Yes, but that bitch
had it coming.
86
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,533
Ah, okay. Uh, Your Honor, I'm...
87
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,668
I'm afraid I have
to withdraw this witness,
88
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:58,339
and I am going to those things
you said I have to go to.
89
00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:06,146
This sucks.
Can't believe that judge
90
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:07,915
is making us go
to a month of AA.
91
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:10,284
You know, if you ask me,
this is going to be
92
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,652
a good thing for
both of you.
93
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,029
There's a lesson
you need to learn.
94
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,398
What are you talking about?
What lesson?
95
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:15,789
I don't need to go to AA.
96
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,233
I'm a social drinker,
not an alcoholic.
97
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,993
Yeah, that's like saying rappers
are really poets.
98
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:26,066
I'm not saying she's
a gold digger,
99
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,437
but she's not messing with...
100
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,606
Who isn't she messing with?
101
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,545
Hey, y'all.
102
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,881
Okay, we got us a few new
friends here joining us tonight.
103
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:44,918
So let's all say us
a big hello to Peter and Brian.
104
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,721
- Hello, Peter and Brian.
- Hi there.
105
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,057
All right, who'd like
to kick us off?
106
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,592
I will.
107
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,995
Um, my name is Greg,
and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
108
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,597
Hi, Greg.
109
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,500
One fateful night, I, uh,
got behind the wheel
110
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:02,336
of my brand-new sports car,
blind-drunk.
111
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,438
I was responsible for the death
112
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,206
of an innocent
eight-year-old girl.
113
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,575
What kind?
What?
114
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,109
What kind of car?
115
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,744
You said you had
a sports car.
116
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,879
That's cool,
but what kind?
117
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:12,946
It was a Miata.
118
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,682
Oh, come on. That's
not a sports car.
119
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,550
How... how does that
even kill a kid?
120
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,752
What, did you hit her
over the head with it?
121
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,330
That's a legitimate
sports car. No. Next.
122
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,723
Jenny, would you
like to talk?
123
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:25,459
My name is Jenny,
and I'm an alcoholic.
124
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,286
Geez, anybody here
in any other line of work?
125
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:29,963
Hi, Jenny.
126
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,733
Before I found AA,
my ex-boyfriend and I
127
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,435
used to get drunk
and party all night.
128
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,003
I missed work half the time.
129
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,606
One morning, I woke up naked
with three Persians
130
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,741
high-fiving each other
on the way out of my bedroom.
131
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,576
But now that I've joined
the program,
132
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,378
I'm a whole different person.
133
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,213
And my two new cats,
Clean and Sober,
134
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,881
just think I'm tops.
135
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,783
That's wonderful,
Jenny.
136
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,120
All right. Peter, do you have a
story that you'd like to share?
137
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,221
Oh, yeah, I got one.
138
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,690
This one time, me and Joe
and Quagmire made a bet
139
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,926
to see who could drink
the most beer and still drive.
140
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,529
And you know that water slide
in South Attleboro?
141
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,302
Yeah!
Water slide!
142
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,104
Summer fun!
143
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,575
Peter, it sounds to me
like alcohol
144
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:17,511
is a very destructive
influence in your life.
145
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,112
You need to relinquish
your dependence
146
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,849
and give yourself over
to a higher power.
147
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,618
You have a different
view, Brian?
148
00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:25,853
Oh, I-I don't know.
Are we...
149
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,588
are we allowed to have
a different view?
150
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:30,958
Brian, AA is the only way out
for these people.
151
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:34,227
Millions are saved every year
by the program.
152
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:35,534
Hey, people got along just fine
153
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,531
for thousands of years
without AA.
154
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,866
Just like they got along
155
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,701
for thousands of years
without religion.
156
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,870
I like you and have
no reason not to.
157
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,872
I like you and have
no reason not to.
158
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,840
Hey, did you hear
about that magic baby
159
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,175
that was born
in Bethlehem?
160
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,551
Oh, there you boys are.
161
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:58,919
How was your meeting?
162
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:01,154
29 more and we're done...
That's how it was.
163
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,090
That doesn't sound like
the right attitude.
164
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,058
Lois, you weren't there.
It was awful.
165
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,628
Just a bunch of losers
telling boring stories.
166
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,497
"My drinking
ruined my marriage."
167
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,532
"My drinking ruined
my family."
168
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:14,635
My drinking
ruined my TV show, 24."
169
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,804
I see you got your own thing
going on this week,
170
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,247
but there's a new teacher
at preschool
171
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,608
who deactivates the camera
and then hits us.
172
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,910
Brian, AA's been around
for years.
173
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,479
It's helped a lot of people
get over their addiction.
174
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,847
No, it hasn't.
175
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,257
They've just traded
one addiction for another.
176
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,150
Their life goes
from being all about drinking
177
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,351
to being all about AA.
178
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,820
The only difference is,
179
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,564
when it's all about drinking,
they're more fun.
180
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,756
Well, like
it or not,
181
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:39,059
you got to stick it
out for 30 days.
182
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,136
You know what sucks, Brian?
183
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,995
We don't got a problem
with our drinking.
184
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,073
It's everybody else who's got
a problem with our drinking.
185
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,133
Wait a minute.
Peter, that's it.
186
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,335
The issue isn't that these
people are alcoholics.
187
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,138
They just have nowhere to
drink without being judged.
188
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,040
She slams us
into the monkey bars,
189
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:56,009
but none of us have the language
skills to call her on it.
190
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,948
And then this one time,
I was so drunk,
191
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,816
I gave someone
a back adjustment.
192
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,151
I'm not a chiropractor.
193
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,286
You got to go to a weekend
of school for that.
194
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,688
Hey, hey.
195
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,857
Anyone in the house
addicted to alcohol?
196
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,424
Hi.
Hello, Peter.
197
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,693
I enjoy alcohol.
198
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,628
I can't hear you.
199
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,964
Me. Hello. I have a
very serious problem.
200
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,333
Mr. Griffin, alcohol
is forbidden at our meetings.
201
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,735
Look, j-just hear me out.
202
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:24,104
I sat here and listened
to you bums the other day,
203
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,840
and I got to tell you,
I have never seen a duller bunch
204
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,208
of pathetic bastards in my life.
205
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,986
I don't know who you were
when you were drinking,
206
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,545
but it sure as hell's
got to be better
207
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:32,689
than who you are
when you're sober.
208
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:33,857
Yeah, you all stopped drinking
209
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,482
because you were hurting
your loved ones.
210
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:38,018
But you can't hurt them
if they don't know you're drunk.
211
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:40,721
Let's make this our sanctuary.
212
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,257
I wants me that beer.
213
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,965
Attention, patrol cars,
214
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,668
we've got a noise complaint
at the Quahog Community Center.
215
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,269
Is anyone in the area?
216
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,739
Wait a minute. That's where
Peter's AA meeting is.
217
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,913
So I clicked
on it, and the...
218
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,348
the girl's got
a bigger wang than I got.
219
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:09,449
No way.
220
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,651
No way, right?
221
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,853
So I did... so I just put
my thumb over it,
222
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,623
and then... and that got me
through the rest of...
223
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,726
of the... of the session.
224
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:26,667
Oh, no.
There's a policeman coming.
225
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,703
All right, everybody,
you know what to do.
226
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,840
Alcoholics, transform.
227
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:45,719
All right, what the hell's
going on in here?
228
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,956
We got a noise complaint.
Joe, shh. Peter's about to start.
229
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:52,259
We are gathered here again
tonight, fellow AA members,
230
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,227
to talk about
the greatest temptation
231
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,462
the Devil ever created...
232
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,797
Alcohol.
233
00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:00,300
Mr. Booze
234
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,135
Mr. Booze
235
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,371
Mr. Booze
236
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:08,575
Mr. B-double-O-Z-E.
237
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:13,046
That sure spells booze.
238
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,949
You will wind up wearing
tattered shoes.
239
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,351
If you mess with Mr. Booze.
240
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,988
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
241
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,658
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
242
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,459
Don't mess with
B-double-O-Z-E.
243
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:30,063
If you've been so stiff
they thought you died.
244
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,533
You'll feel better
once you've testified.
245
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,003
Testify
Oh, yeah.
246
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,405
Testify I want to
testify. I want to testify.
247
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,008
Well, then, cleanse yourself,
my son. Cleanse yourself.
248
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,310
One time, I took
a "liberry" book out,
249
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,113
and I fells asleep reading it,
and I left it under the bed.
250
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,816
I forgot about it
for three and a half years.
251
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,284
I was going to take it back
on Amnesty Day,
252
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,787
but on Amnesty Day,
I had a sip of rosГ© wine,
253
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,689
and I never made it
out of the house.
254
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,557
Who's to blame?
Who's to blame?
255
00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,526
What's his name?
We know his name.
256
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,695
His name is Mr. Booze
257
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,096
Mr. Booze
258
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,399
Mr. B-double-O-Z-E,
don't ever choose.
259
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:10,070
Any game you play
with him you lose.
260
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,672
So don't mess with Mr. Booze.
261
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:17,077
If your head feels like it's two
miles wide Two miles wide.
262
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:21,481
You'll feel better once
you've testified Testify.
263
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,784
Oh, yes
Testify
264
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,886
I want to testify.
I want to testify.
265
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,121
Well, come forward,
dear brother, and testify.
266
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,857
I used to be a
soda pop guy.
267
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,291
Then I switched
to the bottle.
268
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,692
Now I don't
leave my couch,
269
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:33,961
and I've seen
every movie ever.
270
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,562
You name a movie,
I've seen it.
271
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,997
Meet Dave.
Seen it.
272
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,631
The Eiger Sanction.
Seen it.
273
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,167
Donovan's Reef.
Seen it.
274
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,402
License to Drive.
Definitely seen it.
275
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,271
That's a shame
What a shame.
276
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:45,873
Who's to blame?
For Corey Haim?
277
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:49,542
His name is Mr. Booze,
Mr. Booze
278
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:52,946
Mr. B-double-O-Z-E,
you must refuse.
279
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:56,149
You'll make
the obituary news.
280
00:11:56,216 --> 00:12:00,087
If you mess with Mr. Booze.
281
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:03,490
If you've been so stiff
they thought you died.
282
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,860
You'll feel better
once you've testified.
283
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,596
Testify, testify.
284
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,698
This man wants
to testify.
285
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:12,900
Very well, my brother.
286
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,868
Let us lead him on the path
of righteousness.
287
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,436
This poor gentleman
used to speak
288
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:17,604
in long,
eloquent sentences,
289
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,039
but after years
of drinking,
290
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,074
he can only speak
in short, choppy utterances.
291
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,742
Why, at one time,
if you asked him
292
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,050
who his favorite
musicians were,
293
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,780
he'd say Leonard Bernstein,
Johann Sebastian Bach
294
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,348
and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
295
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,084
But thanks to that old devil
hooch, it's all changed.
296
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,295
Who's your favorite
musician, Ollie?
297
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:33,220
Cher!
298
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,554
He doesn't even
like Cher.
299
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,389
Now, alcohol makes
a big man small.
300
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,216
And can lead to a life
of crime Yeah!
301
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,559
Demon rum makes
a gent a bum.
302
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,261
And you cash in
before your time.
303
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,048
Yeah! Bootleg
gin puts you in a spin.
304
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,707
Till you don't even know
your name Yeah!
305
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:46,499
You're a basket case
flat on your face.
306
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,911
And there's only one guy
to blame
307
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:48,935
Mr. B-double-O-Z-E
308
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,504
Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze
309
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:55,075
Mr. B-double-O-Z-E,
don't ever choose.
310
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:57,945
You will wind up wearing
tattered shoes.
311
00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,347
If you mess with Mr. Booze.
312
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,715
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
313
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:03,951
Oh, Mr. Booze.
314
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,986
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
315
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,187
Oh, Mr. Booze.
316
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:10,457
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
317
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,326
Don't mess
with B-double-O-Z-E.
318
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:16,029
'Cause that spells booze.
319
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:20,767
And you're gonna lose
with Mr. Booze.
320
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,036
Oh, yeah.
321
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:27,240
Don't mess around
with Mr. Booze.
322
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,676
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
323
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:32,913
That's what he said, now
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
324
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:38,785
Oh, Mr. Booze
Don't mess with Mr. Booze.
325
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:42,822
Don't you mess with Mr. Booze,
don't mess with Mr.
326
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,958
Don't you mess with Mr.,
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
327
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,693
Don't mess with, ah-ah.
328
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,862
Oh, Mr. Booze.
329
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:52,132
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
330
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,801
Yeah!
331
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,603
Wow, you guys.
I'm impressed
332
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,738
that you're taking your
sentence so seriously.
333
00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:02,075
And I know that the court
will be happy to hear this, too.
334
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,211
Now, if you'll just keep it down
335
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,913
so I don't get
any more complaints.
336
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,114
Sure. No problem, Joe.
337
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,916
Thanks for stopping by.
338
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:13,620
Yay!
339
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,126
So what do you say, guys?
340
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,369
Should we take this party
to Denny's
341
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,338
and hang out with the cast
of the high school play?
342
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,564
Nah. I think I'm...
I'm just going to go home.
343
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:25,933
All right.
You okay to drive?
344
00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,267
Oh, yeah, I'll be fine.
345
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,002
I-I'll crank the heat,
roll up the windows
346
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,803
and blast the Lullaby
Channel. I'll be fine.
347
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,871
All right, take it easy.
348
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,573
All right, you, too.
Get out of here.
349
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,641
Hey! Like your jeans.
350
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,219
Thanks. What... hey,
what size are you?
351
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,877
Yeah, I don't think
we're the same size.
352
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,312
Yeah, we'll figure
it out tomorrow.
353
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,948
Come on, Brian.
You ready to go home?
354
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,649
Uh, no, Peter.
355
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,860
I'm going to... I'm going to...
going to meet Jenny's cats.
356
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,395
What are you talking about?
You hate cats.
357
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,956
I'm going... to meet...
her cats.
358
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,357
Geez. All right.
Okay. All right.
359
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,192
You don't have
to get all c-c-cat...
360
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,094
Hey, hey, cat dog, right?
361
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,728
You're a cat dog.
362
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,364
Hey, cat dog.
363
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,032
Cat dog.
364
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,034
Cat dog.
365
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,369
Hey, where's...
you know,
366
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,704
where's all the poop go
when the cat...
367
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,406
when the...
in a... in a cat dog...?
368
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:07,540
When the cat poops...
369
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,642
what, does it come out
of the dog's mouth?
370
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,444
And... and vice versa?
371
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,080
Oh, God.
372
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,848
Oh, that's... that's
some kind of living hell.
373
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,584
That's some...
374
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,487
that's some kind
of living hell, Brian.
375
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:21,553
Okay, I got to go.
376
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,390
You... you have
a good time with Jenny.
377
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,606
Geez. Cat dog.
378
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:40,816
What-what if... what if they...
379
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,942
what if they want
to marry different people?
380
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,777
You got a lawsuit on your hands.
381
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:46,813
That's what...
that's what happens.
382
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,115
All right... all right, look,
383
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,017
let's get some music
going on in here.
384
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,518
Where's the Lullaby Channel?
385
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,855
A gentle breeze.
386
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:59,692
From Hushabye Mountain.
387
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:03,196
Softly blows.
388
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,832
For Lullaby Bay.
389
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,176
Please be
Rosie O'Donnell.
390
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:19,412
Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
391
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,515
Wait. Is it?
392
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:27,820
Hey.
393
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:30,057
Hey, fatty,
wake up.
394
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,296
What... what the...
what happened?
395
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,897
You're dead, jackass.
396
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:40,133
You died in a drunk
driving accident.
397
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,502
Oh, God. Did I hold on
to the touchdown pass?
398
00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,804
What the...?
What's wrong with you?
399
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:45,905
You know what?
400
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,474
I was so drunk,
my ghost is drunk.
401
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,709
Look, I've been told
I can give you another chance,
402
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,778
but there's some things
we have to do first.
403
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,080
What are you
talking about?
404
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,182
I'm talking about you
understanding alcohol
405
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,783
just a little bit better.
406
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,419
Peter, I'm going to show you
where your life is headed
407
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:01,921
if you keep drinking
as much as you do.
408
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,463
All right, Peter.
Here we are.
409
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,099
Well, everything
looks fine.
410
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,470
All right, family.
Line up for cigar burns.
411
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,611
Yow!
412
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,616
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
413
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,418
I'm your other son, MacCawber.
414
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,753
Here for my cigar burn,
good sir.
415
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,555
Stewie, go on,
get out of here,
416
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:37,357
you stupid "laugh and cry,
effin' cry."
417
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:38,525
What's the difference?
418
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,863
What's this?
419
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,632
This is the bathroom
at my work.
420
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:46,499
That's right.
421
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,168
And there you are
in the stall
422
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:49,736
with your boss, Angela.
What?!
423
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,604
Oh, my God, Angela.
424
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,241
That was... that was...
that felt so good.
425
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,709
All I want to do is
please you, Griffin.
426
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:59,011
Well that... that was
a good idea you had
427
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,013
dunking your hand
in the toilet.
428
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,116
Oh, my God! I wouldn't
have sex with Angela!
429
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,351
She's disgusting!
430
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,918
Not when you're drunk,
she's not.
431
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,154
All right, Death,
I get it.
432
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,688
I wish I'd never
touched a drop
433
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,922
of alcohol in my life.
434
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:11,191
Never touched
a drop, huh?
435
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,459
Well, guess what.
436
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,026
I'm going to show you
that, too.
437
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,199
Okay, get ready for this.
438
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,401
Hey, hey, hey, gang!
439
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,303
Everybody line up
for a triple "H":
440
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:27,474
A hug, a handshake
or a high five. Your call.
441
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:30,477
Lois, hug...
You got it.
442
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:32,912
Stewie, hug...
Two in a row.
443
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,681
Try for three, Chris?
444
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,349
Oh, no, high five.
445
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,085
Well, that's okay.
High five's great, too.
446
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,120
Meg, back to the hug.
All right.
447
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:42,555
Hugs may win it today.
448
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,624
And we close
with a handshake.
449
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:47,994
And all in time for my big
bike ride announcement.
450
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,996
Who the
is this jerk?
451
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,699
That's you, Peter,
alcohol-free.
452
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,749
Hey, look, there's
Joe and Quagmire.
453
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,242
Hey, let's have a
drink with them.
454
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:03,619
You've never touched
a drop, Peter.
455
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,445
You don't even know
those guys.
456
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,614
Those are your
friends over there.
457
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,549
Hey, do you guys mind
keeping it down?
458
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,818
We're trying to have
a conversation here.
459
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,554
Some people. Gee whiz.
460
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:17,156
Those are your friends,
Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan.
461
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,359
Do I at least
call him Jon?
462
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,027
No, he prefers
Jonathan.
463
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,263
Aw, one of those guys?
464
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,764
You know, I have started taking
465
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,666
a Bufferin baby aspirin
every day.
466
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,935
It's improved my heart
one heck of a heap,
467
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,703
I'll tell you that,
pardon my French.
468
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,539
This is even worse
than the other one.
469
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,207
I mean, it's cool
I know French,
470
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,275
but, Death,
this ain't me.
471
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:36,576
What am I
supposed to do?
472
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,345
If I'm a drunk,
I'm a jerk,
473
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,912
and if I'm sober,
I'm a douche.
474
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,047
Exactly, Peter.
475
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,349
It's called moderation.
476
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:45,252
You don't have to give up
the booze cold turkey.
477
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,119
You just have to be
responsible with it.
478
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,655
You members of the human race
479
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:51,090
have the ability
to send a man to the moon
480
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,560
and make Justin Long
a movie star.
481
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,128
With that kind of willpower,
don't you think you can learn
482
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,598
to put the bottle down
just sometimes?
483
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:01,100
We did it with Justin Long,
didn't we?
484
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,135
America said no,
but we kept at it.
485
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,671
All right, Death.
486
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,838
I'll try.
487
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,052
Well, we're home.
488
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:23,256
30 days of sobriety,
and we can finally drink again.
489
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,591
Oh, for God's sake, Peter,
490
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,393
didn't you learn
anything from this?
491
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:28,361
Yes, I did, Lois.
492
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,397
These are going
in the garbage.
493
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,865
But these...
I'm keeping for myself.
494
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,401
Moderation, Lois.
495
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,635
Wow, Peter.
496
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,337
I never thought
I'd see the day.
497
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,905
Good for you.
498
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,973
From now on, half
of every six-pack I buy
499
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,875
is going in the trash.
500
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,649
Hey, how... how come
we're the only animals
501
00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:51,884
with poo that's white?
502
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,686
I know.
What the hell?
503
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,155
Right? We're not... we're
not eating white stuff.
504
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,757
Hey, you want
something good?
505
00:20:57,824 --> 00:21:00,760
Just look for the containers
that say "KFC" on them.
506
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:02,695
There's always
something good in there.
507
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:04,331
Dude, that's
birds in there.
508
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,399
You're eat... you're
eating another bird.
509
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,335
What?
That's bird meat, dude.
510
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:10,069
Wh-what? No.
511
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:11,170
You're eating a bird.
512
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:16,643
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!37447
