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1
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,502
Hi.
2
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,804
I'm Ron MacFarlane,
Seth MacFarlane's father.
3
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:13,107
And I'm here
to tell you the story
4
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:15,443
of a very special Christmas
in Quahog.
5
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:18,179
Kenny Rogers was supposed
to be here,
6
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,214
but I think he's dead.
7
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,850
Anyway, Seth came out
of my penis,
8
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,253
and now he made this.
9
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:33,494
Our story begins in Quahog
just before Christmastime.
10
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,929
The town was blanketed
with snow,
11
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,665
the trees were being trimmed,
12
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:40,801
and everyone was making up
their Christmas lists.
13
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,848
Jessica Biel and Megan Fox.
14
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,017
Wearing nothing
but their socks.
15
00:01:57,084 --> 00:02:01,555
Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
16
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,657
Well, that's just not practical.
17
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,759
Spending a week in Mexico.
18
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,995
With some black guys
and some blow.
19
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:11,465
Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
20
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:12,966
Oh, that sounds
terrific.
21
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,235
How about you, kids?
22
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,470
I would like a pair
of skates.
23
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,906
Then I'd go out skating.
24
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,842
But I really don't know
how to skate!
25
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:25,546
I want a Lexus all in pink.
26
00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:27,681
And a dad who doesn't drink.
27
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:31,919
Oh, and that reminds me...
12 kegs of beer!
28
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:36,424
All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer is.
29
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,427
All I really want this year!
30
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,262
Santa's got his work
cut out for him.
31
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,863
Oh, we ain't even
gotten started yet.
32
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,299
I want to tour
the Spanish coast.
33
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,167
Lunch with
Michael Landon's ghost.
34
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:51,272
Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
35
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:52,473
Wait. What?
36
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:53,707
Forget it.
Keep going.
37
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,076
Jennifer Garner in my bed.
38
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,145
Softer voices in my head.
39
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:02,650
Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
40
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,620
Yellow cake uranium.
41
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,257
Never mind the reason.
42
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:12,025
Also Chutes and Ladders
and a ball!
43
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,563
Doesn't this seem
like too much stuff?
44
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,731
Poo on you,
it's not enough!
45
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:22,303
Buddy boy, I got your
Christmas right here.
46
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,305
All these happy wishes.
47
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,374
And lots of Christmas cheer.
48
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:31,612
Is all I really want
this year!
49
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,514
I'm just saying,
it seems a bit excessive.
50
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,249
Oh, get off your soap box,
Brian.
51
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,484
It's Christmas.
52
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,051
And Christmas is
about gettin'!
53
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,320
Everyone in town
knows that!
54
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,755
Japanese girls
with no restraint.
55
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,824
Just to choke me
till I faint.
56
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:47,761
Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
57
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,464
Ooh, giggity!
58
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,900
Platinum-plated silverware.
59
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,968
Just one day
when kids don't stare.
60
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,839
Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
61
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:05,746
If you put a Christmas tree
in the public airport
62
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,349
I will go to court
and sue your ass!
63
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,284
Happy holidays!
64
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:12,420
Wouldn't I love
a tinker toy.
65
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,455
And a little drummer boy.
66
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:18,859
He can either tap his drum
or my rear.
67
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:22,796
All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer.
68
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:26,634
Is all I really want
this year!
69
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,972
I want a golden
mustache comb.
70
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,974
And some
spermicidal foam.
71
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:40,848
That's all I really want
for Christmas this year
72
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,916
I want a brand-new
pitching wedge
73
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,918
I would like
more Lemon Pledge.
74
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:49,657
That's all I really want
for Christmas this year.
75
00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,727
I just want a wedding ring.
76
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,029
From someone named Jeffrey
77
00:04:56,096 --> 00:05:00,300
I just want
some colored Easter eggs
78
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,636
I want a Blu-Ray of The Wiz.
79
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,538
We don't know
what Christmas is!
80
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:09,009
We have something else
called Gishgemfloofneer!
81
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:12,846
All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer.
82
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:19,487
Is all I really want
this year!
83
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,433
I am so excited
to see Santa Claus.
84
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,502
You know what I think
is really wonderful?
85
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,070
Of all the malls
in this great country of ours,
86
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,406
he chooses to come here.
87
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:39,707
Year after year.
88
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:42,075
You know, I mean, who...
who are we? You know?
89
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,378
I'll tell you who we are...
The lucky ones.
90
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,418
Oh, my God,
look at the line.
91
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,019
Damn it, we're gonna
be here forever.
92
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,121
Hey, wait, look!
There's Quagmire, way up front.
93
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,823
We can cut in line
with him.
94
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,958
Uh, wait, Stewie.
He doesn't like me so mu...
95
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,296
Glenn? Glenn
Quagmire?
96
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,932
Wha...
97
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,467
What... what
are you doing here?
98
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:07,835
Oh, hi, Brian.
99
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,546
Just waiting for Santa,
like everyone else.
100
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,838
Wow, cool. Cool.
101
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,073
Oh, man, we'll just hang
with you guys here.
102
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,342
Who's this little guy? Huh?
Is this your nephew?
103
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,177
Hey, buddy,
you here to see Santa?
104
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,847
Yeah. I hope you've been
a good boy this year.
105
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,015
That little guy is my
niece Abby, you douche.
106
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,893
Her hair's short because
of the chemotherapy. Uh-oh.
107
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,853
Do you know how much
talking it took
108
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,622
to get her out of the house
because of her no-hair?
109
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,424
Oh, gosh, I-I didn't know.
110
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,925
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
111
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,727
Oh, you're sorry?
For-For what?
112
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,229
That waiting in line is
such a catastrophe for you
113
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:37,865
that you'd rather
destroy the confidence
114
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,600
of a five-year-old
cancer patient?
115
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,869
Oh, come on.
I-I didn't know she was dying.
116
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,270
Who said anything
about dying?!
117
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,439
Uncle Glenn,
am I dying?
118
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:46,840
No, sweetheart,
you're not dying.
119
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,075
'Cause we're
gonna see Santa,
120
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,210
and he's gonna bring
you a new brain.
121
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,378
Get out of here, Brian.
122
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,481
Just get out of here.
123
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,149
Should have gone
into politics, Bri.
124
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,686
Now we got to go to
the back of the line.
125
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,187
What the hell! Why
isn't it moving?
126
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,022
I don't know.
It's always the same thing.
127
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,291
Some fat kid sitting
on Santa's lap taking all day.
128
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:07,928
Yeah, yeah. And I want
a Charles in Charge lunch box
129
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,831
and I want a Magna Doodle
and a new Uno game
130
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:13,300
on a 'cause of
I lost the "Draw 2" card.
131
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,835
And I want a pet animal
132
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,470
that's half chinchilla
and half mink,
133
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,738
'cause it'd be really soft,
134
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:20,173
and I could call it chink,
and that's okay.
135
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:28,858
Geez, doesn't the
mall close soon?
136
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,117
We've been here forever.
137
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,285
Would you relax?
We're right here. I'm next.
138
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,857
Hello, Santa.
139
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,992
Now, um,
we've got a slight problem here,
140
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,895
because I have been
rather naughty.
141
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,498
But you're a business man,
I'm a business man.
142
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:48,201
I'm sure we can work...
something... out.
143
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,940
Wait. What are you doing?
144
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,575
Santa? You can't leave now!
145
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,876
Hey, wait-wait, buddy, buddy,
146
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,353
we've been in line
for, like, two hours.
147
00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:58,579
Sorry. I'm done.
148
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,648
You want your kid
to sit on my lap,
149
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,950
meet me at the bar
at Applebee's.
150
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,217
Aw, that sucks.
151
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,385
Sorry, Stewie.
152
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,787
That son of a bitch.
153
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,622
He just turned
his back on me.
154
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,958
The way reality turned
its back on Gary Busey.
155
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,426
How am I doing today,
Gary Busey?
156
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,762
You're doing great!
157
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,030
Good! Then I'll keep it up!
158
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,006
Hey, give me your keys.
159
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:27,340
I need your car.
160
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,742
What? You're not
taking my car.
161
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,611
Very well, then.
You're driving me. Let's go.
162
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:31,845
Dri-Driving you where?
163
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,881
To the North Pole
to see Santa Claus.
164
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,458
If that beslubbering,
onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks
165
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,417
he can just blow me off
like that,
166
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,684
he's got another think coming.
167
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:39,996
Look, Stewie, I know
you're disappointed
168
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,722
that you didn't
get to see Santa,
169
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,791
but I-I'm not driving
you to the North Pole.
170
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:47,494
Everyone,
Quagmire's niece is in the ICU.
171
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:50,230
Now, I think we should go
down there to support him.
172
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:51,865
Wh-What?
Yeah, apparently,
173
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:53,142
something happened at the mall,
174
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,035
and she took a turn
for the worse.
175
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,304
They don't know how much time
she has left.
176
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,405
Quagmire just called.
177
00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,873
He's really upset.
178
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,742
It doesn't sound
like he wants us there
179
00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:03,844
for some reason,
but-but we should go anyway.
180
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,446
All right, let's go
to the North Pole.
181
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:12,285
And so Brian and Stewie set off
on the road to the North Pole.
182
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,055
Hey, you want
to hear a real live-action fart
183
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,391
instead of one
of those fake cartoony ones?
184
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,397
We're gonna need another pair
of pants...
185
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,299
and another chair.
186
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,978
Hey, Stewie, wake up.
187
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,913
We're here. We're
at the North Pole.
188
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,749
Oh, uh. What? What? What?
189
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,116
Uh, North Pole?
190
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,656
North Pole! North Pole!
191
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:49,957
There it is!
192
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,059
My word, I really
must have been asleep!
193
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:56,664
Ah, look at this.
194
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,398
The tip of the Earth, Brian.
195
00:09:58,465 --> 00:09:59,767
Okay, let's go see Santa Claus.
196
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,869
All right, let's go.
197
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,674
Well, this is rather
festive, isn't it?
198
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:11,378
Small.
199
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:16,784
Well, it has to be small
because of all the tiny elves.
200
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:17,885
Ah, that's right.
201
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,086
Good. Good point. Elves.
202
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,854
Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?
203
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:24,224
Y'alls ready to kick it
in some fine North Pole gear?
204
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:27,995
Brian, why does the North Pole
have black teenagers?
205
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,731
Uh... 'cause...
from, uh, Katrina?
206
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,065
Ah, of course. All right.
207
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,401
Well, uh, I just have
one more question, then.
208
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,937
Do you think I'm an idiot?!
Huh? Do you?
209
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:39,339
Look, Stewie, the North Pole
is a long and dangerous...
210
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,342
You can't jerk me around when
it comes to Santa Claus, Brian!
211
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:45,078
There is a Ferris wheel here,
and a guy hosing vomit!
212
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,980
Nobody vomits
at the North Pole!
213
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:50,751
Except for Santa's wife because
she has an eating disorder!
214
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:53,787
What? Yeah, 'cause he can have
anyone he wants, and she knows that!
215
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,322
Stewie, just pull
yourself together.
216
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,623
I won't, Brian!
217
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,850
Now you get your ass back
into that hippie car of yours
218
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,203
and take me
to the North Pole now!
219
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,294
Look, I know
you're upset,
220
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,830
but why-why don't
you just sit down,
221
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,056
write out your
Christmas list,
222
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,133
and I promise I will
mail it to Santa Claus?
223
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,234
Screw that.
224
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,703
This was never about
Christmas presents, Brian.
225
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,372
Well, then why do you want to
go all the way to the North Pole?
226
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:16,543
Because... I'm going
to kill Santa Claus!
227
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:26,854
So it turned out Stewie was
determined to kill Santa Claus.
228
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,956
Would he succeed?
229
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,124
Well, let's find out.
230
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,426
Wait a minute, why the hell
do you want to kill Santa?
231
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,863
Because that fat bastard
blew me off at the mall,
232
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,297
and he shall not
go unpunished.
233
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,399
Now, let's go. I've
got it all planned out.
234
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,601
I'm gonna see the
workshop, pet a few reindeer,
235
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,336
take a few pictures
of me and Santa,
236
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,172
and then I'm gonna
blow his brains out,
237
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,615
hopefully with his
bitch wife watching.
238
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:49,276
This is ridiculous... we are
not going to the North Pole.
239
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,012
Trust me, it's a waste of time...
You're not gonna find Santa.
240
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,314
Why not? Because
there's no such...
241
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:58,385
Because when you get there,
you may find out
242
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:00,387
it isn't what
you thought it was,
243
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,856
and I wouldn't want you
to be disappointed.
244
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,691
That's it? That's
your reason?
245
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:07,427
Well, you know, you know why
nothing works out for you, Brian?
246
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,129
Because you've got
a negative attitude.
247
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:10,630
Like Eeyore.
248
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,632
Come on, Eeyore,
let's go play.
249
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:14,267
I don't feel like it.
250
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:17,637
Why are you always
in such a bad mood?
251
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:20,307
I have a nail in my anus. Oh.
252
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,175
That's not fair.
I don't think I have
253
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,386
a negative attitude.
I just...
254
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,245
I-I don't think
it's a good idea for us
255
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:28,081
to embark on a potentially
dangerous journey whe...
256
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,148
Stewie?
257
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,219
Say yes to life, Brian!
258
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,987
I'll be home for Christmas.
259
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,757
Son of a bitch!
260
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,566
So, what are we
hauling, good buddy?
261
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,201
Oh, I got a
flock of birds
262
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,170
that were too tired
to fly back north.
263
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,405
Boy, this is the way
to do it, huh, Jerry?
264
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,842
Sure is. Think
this makes us lazy?
265
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:58,145
Nah, we're still
in the V-shape.
266
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,521
What is this?
This is a weird gun.
267
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:42,755
Yeah. Don't touch that.
268
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,057
Oh, it's a flare gun.
269
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,825
Maybe you should
put that back.
270
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,995
I'm just holding it.
Is this the trigger?
271
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,069
Oh, my God, Stewie,
you all right?
272
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,403
What the hell
happened?
273
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,106
Eh, just some stupid
stuff went down.
274
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,574
You could have
been killed!
275
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:35,808
I could have
been killed!
276
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,044
Look at my car!
277
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,979
Well, you know, if
you had just taken me
278
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,780
to the real North Pole
to see Santa,
279
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:42,950
none of this
would have happened!
280
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,551
Wh-Wh-What is this?
What are you doing?
281
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,652
Hitching a ride.
282
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,921
I'm gonna keep heading
north until I find Santa.
283
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,198
Stewie, you're not
gonna find him.
284
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,690
You do what you
want, Brian,
285
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,325
but I am going
to the North Pole
286
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,826
and I'm gonna kill
that bastard!
287
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,196
Stewie, you're putting me
in a hell of a position here,
288
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:57,564
but I have no choice.
289
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,199
You're not gonna
kill Santa Claus,
290
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,667
because he doesn't exist.
291
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,637
R-R-Really, Brian?
292
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,006
He doesn't exist?
293
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:07,440
That's right,
he's not real.
294
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,152
Oh, interesting.
Interesting theory, Brian.
295
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,044
Um, who else
isn't real, hmm?
296
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,246
You gonna tell me
that Elmo isn't real?
297
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:16,316
Huh? SpongeBob?
Is he not real, Brian?
298
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:19,252
Is-is SpongeBob not there
at the bottom of the ocean
299
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,221
giving Squidward
the business? Hmm?
300
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,156
And what about
Curious George?
301
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,892
Huh? Does he not
really exist? Hmm?
302
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,827
Is Curious George
not really out there
303
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,429
making little boats
out of newspapers
304
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,598
that he should be
delivering? Huh?
305
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,433
Educate yourself,
you fool.
306
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,468
Look, Stewie, if you'd
just listen for a sec...
307
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:36,603
No, you listen, Brian!
308
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,472
I'll tell you what, you
take me to the North Pole,
309
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,642
and if Santa isn't there,
I'll do something for you.
310
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,311
What?
When Lois does that
311
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,712
middle-of-the-night feeding
312
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,348
where she doesn't even open
her eyes or really wake up,
313
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,717
I'll let you take that
one for me, Brian.
314
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:51,851
Are you serious?
315
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:53,820
Quite.
316
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,488
Okay, you got a deal.
317
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:01,328
Damn it, it
won't turn over.
318
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:04,564
Great! Not even halfway through
Canada, and we're stuck.
319
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,968
Oh, hey there.
320
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,603
You having some
car troubles, eh?
321
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,705
Yeah, we're trying to get
to the North Pole.
322
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,941
I don't suppose you're
from Triple A, are you? Who?
323
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,576
Triple A,
you know? AAA.
324
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,012
Oh, AA, eh? Yeah,
I just came from AA.
325
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,380
No, not AA. AAA.
326
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:21,948
Yeah, that's what
I said... AA, eh?
327
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,416
Oh, so you are
with Triple A?
328
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,552
Oh, no, that's AAA.
I just came from AA, eh?
329
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,254
Huh? Stewie, I think
he's just a drunk.
330
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,022
Well, drunk or not,
can you help us?
331
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:30,890
I can if you want
to join AA, eh?
332
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,325
No, I'm already
a member of AAA.
333
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,760
I need help
with the car.
334
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,163
Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like
you got some water leakage.
335
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,697
You might need
a hose, eh?
336
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,675
Jose, Roberto, whatever... if
you've got some Latinos up here
337
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:41,234
that can fix cars,
that'd be great.
338
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,436
No, I mean, it looks
like you need a part, eh?
339
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,181
Well, yeah, when it's
fixed, we can celebrate,
340
00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:46,582
but let's deal with
first things first.
341
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,808
Well, I can probably take
you to a gas station, eh?
342
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:51,444
You have cash, eh? I don't know,
my name carries a little weight,
343
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,213
but I don't see how
that matters here.
344
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,348
Look, we don't have enough cash
to fix the car,
345
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,584
and we're kind of on our way
to the North Pole.
346
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,786
Oh, a car won't take
you there, anyway.
347
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,123
But if you like, you can
take my snowmobile.
348
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,625
Really? You'd just...
give it to us?
349
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,261
Oh, sure, that's what Canadian
hospitality's all about.
350
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:11,764
If you like, you can have
all my money and my leg.
351
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,100
Okay.
352
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,545
Why'd we take his leg?
353
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,114
Well, we're in their
country, Brian...
354
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,615
We have to observe
their customs.
355
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:29,749
Oh! Oh, dear.
356
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,452
Well, at least we're done
357
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,687
with the first leg
of our journey, Brian.
358
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,789
Ha!
Damn right, ha.
359
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,656
Brian, how long do you
think we've been driving?
360
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:11,558
I don't know,
I've lost track.
361
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,760
Besides, dogs don't have
a good sense of time.
362
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,862
Could be three hours,
could be three years,
363
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,063
I don't know.
364
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,499
Well, we must be
pretty far north by now.
365
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,834
Yeah, you're right. Look...
There's the aurora borealis.
366
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,573
Yes, and there's
the aurora boreanaz.
367
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:27,774
Hi there.
368
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,543
Things are kind of
beautiful up north, huh?
369
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:35,648
Oh, no!
370
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,350
What's the matter?
We're out of gas.
371
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,820
Out of gas? But, Brian, it's freezing
out here! What are we gonna do?
372
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,889
I don't know. We'd better
think of something.
373
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,524
Maybe I
can help.
374
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:49,061
There's an old, abandoned hunting
cabin about two miles north of here.
375
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,663
You could spend
the night there
376
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,166
and then resume your
journey in the morning.
377
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,601
Thanks, David.
378
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,704
Guess there are a few stars
in the sky tonight.
379
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:00,940
Come on.
380
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,175
Come on, now.
381
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,477
Okay, we'll leave you alone.
382
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,663
All right, this
should do for the night.
383
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,398
Look, Stewie, now that
we have a moment,
384
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:01,534
I-I think we should really try to
call Lois and tell her where we are.
385
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,270
Oh, don't worry...
I've got that covered.
386
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,506
Hey, Lois, would you make
an appointment for me
387
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,074
to be neutered
in two days?
388
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,443
Well, a-are you sure,
Brian? Yes, I'm sure.
389
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,279
And whatever I say
in two days,
390
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,214
do not let me convince you
that I've changed my mind.
391
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:17,850
Wow, you sound pretty
serious about this, Brian.
392
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,553
Oh, I am. In fact,
I have this document
393
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,389
that legally
binds me to same.
394
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:23,956
Have you had
it notarized?
395
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,793
No. But a notary should
be here any minute.
396
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:29,529
I received a call about
notarizing a document,
397
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:32,098
but I am spending
the day with my family,
398
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,500
so they are
here, too.
399
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,268
This is my wife, Janice,
400
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,169
my daughters,
Lisa and Jane,
401
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,006
and this is Rosalyn, a
friend of our daughter Jane's.
402
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,308
Her family life is rough,
403
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,476
so we are kind of like
a second home.
404
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:45,645
Robert!
Well, it's true.
405
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,480
Well, thank you
for taking the time
406
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,349
to notarize this
important document.
407
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,318
I'm sure you
are quite busy.
408
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:52,985
Yes. We only have a moment,
409
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:56,689
for we are taking a bus tour
of Providence and other places.
410
00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:06,999
The next morning,
Stewie and Brian set out on foot
411
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:08,535
for the North Pole.
412
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:12,305
They were cold and tired,
but Stewie was determined
413
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:16,042
to carry out his plan
to kill Santa Claus.
414
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:19,078
As long as I've got
all you people watching,
415
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:21,981
does anyone want
to buy some pot?
416
00:21:59,118 --> 00:22:00,319
My God!
417
00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:01,821
We made it, Brian!
418
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:03,022
The North Pole!
419
00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:04,791
See? Boom!
Right there!
420
00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:05,758
I told you!
421
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:07,360
This is where
Santa Claus lives!
422
00:22:07,427 --> 00:22:08,928
In your face!
423
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:10,262
I don't believe it.
424
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,398
It's here.
425
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:12,699
Damn right,
it's here!
426
00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:14,534
Now, while you think
about the fact
427
00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:16,002
that you're never
going to enjoy
428
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:17,637
a nocturnal breast-
feeding from Lois,
429
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:20,106
I shall open the gate.
430
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,827
This can't be it.
431
00:22:40,893 --> 00:22:42,729
This can't be
Santa's workshop.
432
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:44,697
This looks like
Bridgeport, Connecticut.
433
00:22:44,764 --> 00:22:46,699
Oh, boy, get ready
for the letters.
434
00:22:46,766 --> 00:22:48,735
Dear Family Guy bastards,
435
00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:51,471
who the hell
do you think you are?
436
00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:53,540
I'll have you know
that Bridgeport
437
00:22:53,606 --> 00:22:56,008
is among the world leaders
in abandoned buildings,
438
00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:58,411
shattered glass,
boarded-up windows,
439
00:22:58,478 --> 00:23:01,313
wild dogs and gas stations
without pumps.
440
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:04,116
So eat my, Jew writers.
441
00:23:09,155 --> 00:23:10,990
Well, whatever sort
of trick this is,
442
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,258
I will not be deterred.
443
00:23:12,324 --> 00:23:15,495
I'm not leaving until
Santa Claus is dead by my hand!
444
00:23:25,505 --> 00:23:26,673
Oh, my God!
445
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,408
You're...
you're Santa Claus!
446
00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,410
Yeah. Who are you?
447
00:23:31,478 --> 00:23:34,714
I'm Stewie Griffin,
and I'm going to kill you!
448
00:23:34,781 --> 00:23:37,650
Ah... thank God!
449
00:23:37,717 --> 00:23:39,752
What?
Do it! Please!
450
00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:41,788
Put me out
of my misery!
451
00:23:41,854 --> 00:23:44,390
You... want me
to kill you?
452
00:23:44,457 --> 00:23:46,693
Come on! What are
you waiting for?!
453
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:48,160
Pull the trigger!
454
00:23:48,227 --> 00:23:50,630
Well, there isn't
a great deal of sport in that.
455
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,935
Oh, my God,
ar-are you all right?
456
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:58,304
I'm okay.
457
00:23:58,370 --> 00:23:59,370
I'm okay.
458
00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,408
I just need to
catch my breath.
459
00:24:02,475 --> 00:24:03,743
I-I don't understand.
460
00:24:03,810 --> 00:24:05,845
I thought you were supposed
to be jolly and happy.
461
00:24:05,912 --> 00:24:08,180
I used to be,
a long time ago.
462
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,583
I made toys
for little boys and girls.
463
00:24:10,650 --> 00:24:12,819
I loved my work,
and they loved me.
464
00:24:12,885 --> 00:24:14,921
But it just got out of hand.
465
00:24:14,987 --> 00:24:17,924
The world's population
kept growing and growing.
466
00:24:17,990 --> 00:24:21,327
Kids wanted more toys,
fancier toys!
467
00:24:21,393 --> 00:24:23,095
We used to make
wooden choo-choos
468
00:24:23,162 --> 00:24:24,263
and rag dolls.
469
00:24:24,330 --> 00:24:26,132
You ever try to make an iPod?
470
00:24:26,198 --> 00:24:28,067
I've got orders
for millions of 'em!
471
00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:30,302
Oh, that reminds me...
I need a new version of Quicken.
472
00:24:30,369 --> 00:24:33,072
Look at the toxic
waste we're producing.
473
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:42,615
In fact, I think the
toxins are taking
474
00:24:42,682 --> 00:24:44,684
even more of a toll
than the inbreeding.
475
00:24:44,751 --> 00:24:46,853
Inbreeding?
Take a look!
476
00:24:48,087 --> 00:24:51,190
I started with one family
of magic elves,
477
00:24:51,257 --> 00:24:55,494
and every year I needed
more and more to keep up.
478
00:24:55,562 --> 00:24:59,465
Now they're just a sickly race
of mutated genetic disasters.
479
00:24:59,532 --> 00:25:02,569
At least 60% of them
are born blind.
480
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:08,908
The workload destroys them,
481
00:25:08,975 --> 00:25:11,110
but they don't know
anything else.
482
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:13,780
It's gotten so their instincts
take over, and near the end,
483
00:25:13,846 --> 00:25:17,984
they just walk out
into the snow and die.
484
00:25:21,654 --> 00:25:23,189
Then the reindeer eat them,
485
00:25:23,255 --> 00:25:26,058
which has turned the reindeer
into wild, feral creatures
486
00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:28,127
with a blood-lust
for elf flesh.
487
00:25:32,431 --> 00:25:34,601
I don't even pray
for them anymore.
488
00:25:34,667 --> 00:25:35,902
Seems pointless.
489
00:25:35,968 --> 00:25:38,170
What god would allow this?
490
00:25:38,237 --> 00:25:40,607
This is in none
of the songs or poetry.
491
00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:42,508
It's a horror show up here!
492
00:25:42,575 --> 00:25:44,076
How could you
let this happen?
493
00:25:44,143 --> 00:25:46,212
Me? I didn't do this.
494
00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:47,847
Christmas did!
495
00:25:56,989 --> 00:25:59,726
Each bell would peal
with a silvery zeal.
496
00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:02,829
As the holiday feeling
was filling us.
497
00:26:02,895 --> 00:26:05,598
But now instead
all we're feeling is dread.
498
00:26:05,665 --> 00:26:08,601
Because Christmastime
is killing us!
499
00:26:08,668 --> 00:26:11,738
Each Christmas list
gets us more and more pissed.
500
00:26:11,804 --> 00:26:14,473
Till the thought of existence
is chilling us
501
00:26:14,540 --> 00:26:17,576
I'll tell you what,
shove your list up your butt.
502
00:26:17,644 --> 00:26:20,847
Because Christmastime
is killing us!
503
00:26:20,913 --> 00:26:23,883
But can't you see that.
504
00:26:23,950 --> 00:26:26,585
What you do
is a dream come true?
505
00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:29,689
Can't you see that.
506
00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:31,090
Every smile.
507
00:26:31,157 --> 00:26:32,892
Makes it all
worthwhile?
508
00:26:32,959 --> 00:26:34,927
No, screw you.
509
00:26:34,994 --> 00:26:36,963
It's all but through.
510
00:26:37,029 --> 00:26:38,965
There's too much to do.
511
00:26:39,031 --> 00:26:41,367
All those dreams.
512
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:42,935
Are nightmares.
513
00:26:43,002 --> 00:26:45,071
And blank icy stares!
514
00:26:51,143 --> 00:26:53,445
Each little elf
used to fill up a shelf.
515
00:26:53,512 --> 00:26:56,783
Making playthings
and selflessly thrilling us.
516
00:26:56,849 --> 00:26:59,618
Now they're on crack,
and it feels like Iraq.
517
00:26:59,686 --> 00:27:02,855
Because Christmastime
is killing us!
518
00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:05,658
Each model train
only heightens the pain.
519
00:27:05,725 --> 00:27:08,995
Of a workload that's
draining and drilling us.
520
00:27:09,061 --> 00:27:11,898
Fingers all bleed and look,
that guy just peed.
521
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:14,366
Because Christmastime
is killing us.
522
00:27:14,433 --> 00:27:19,305
But can't you see
our point of view?
523
00:27:19,371 --> 00:27:21,340
We rely on you.
524
00:27:21,407 --> 00:27:25,044
Can't you see
that Christmas cheer.
525
00:27:25,111 --> 00:27:27,346
Gets us through the year?
526
00:27:27,413 --> 00:27:31,250
My whole crew
is black and blue.
527
00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,052
Can't you take a clue?
528
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:38,858
You may think I look great,
but I'm 28.
529
00:27:45,031 --> 00:27:47,533
Each jingle bell
is a requiem knell.
530
00:27:47,599 --> 00:27:50,837
And while you think it's swell
we are toiling in Hell.
531
00:27:50,903 --> 00:27:58,903
Take a look, you can tell
as a man I'm a shel-I-I-I-I-I.
532
00:28:00,780 --> 00:28:04,917
Because Christmastime
is killing us!
533
00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,653
Killing us!
534
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,688
Christmastime
is killing us!
535
00:28:19,932 --> 00:28:23,035
So Brian and Stewie
found Santa Claus,
536
00:28:23,102 --> 00:28:25,271
but he sure wasn't
what they expected.
537
00:28:25,337 --> 00:28:28,274
It turned the increasing
demands of Christmas
538
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:30,910
had all but destroyed
the poor old man.
539
00:28:30,977 --> 00:28:32,444
Okay, look at this.
540
00:28:32,511 --> 00:28:35,381
Somebody gave me a little
remote control helicopter.
541
00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:37,449
Pretty cool, huh?
542
00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:41,187
Oh, it's broken.
543
00:28:49,461 --> 00:28:51,898
I don't know, boys,
he's in rough shape.
544
00:28:51,964 --> 00:28:53,541
Doctor, you've got to
do something for him.
545
00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:54,600
It's Christmas Eve.
546
00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:56,002
Christmas is the problem.
547
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,736
He can't keep this pace up
anymore.
548
00:28:57,804 --> 00:29:00,206
If he goes out tonight,
he'll die.
549
00:29:00,272 --> 00:29:02,474
Well, then who's gonna
deliver all the presents?
550
00:29:02,541 --> 00:29:04,043
We will.
551
00:29:04,110 --> 00:29:05,144
What?
What?
552
00:29:05,211 --> 00:29:06,678
Stewie, look,
you were right.
553
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,147
Santa is real.
554
00:29:08,214 --> 00:29:09,581
And he needs
our help.
555
00:29:09,648 --> 00:29:10,983
Don't worry, Santa.
556
00:29:11,050 --> 00:29:12,985
We'll make sure
there's a Christmas this year.
557
00:29:13,052 --> 00:29:14,320
Thank you, Brian.
558
00:29:14,386 --> 00:29:16,722
That brings me peace
in this hour.
559
00:29:16,789 --> 00:29:18,390
I'll be with
Allah soon.
560
00:29:18,457 --> 00:29:19,992
What?
561
00:29:20,059 --> 00:29:22,070
Uh, ye... he doesn't know what
he's saying, he's delirious.
562
00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:23,329
Look, you'd better
get moving.
563
00:29:23,395 --> 00:29:25,140
All right, Stewie,
let's go get the sleigh ready.
564
00:29:25,164 --> 00:29:27,109
Is anyone else a little
freaked out by that Allah thing?
565
00:29:27,133 --> 00:29:29,368
Never mind that,
let's just get going.
566
00:29:37,844 --> 00:29:40,512
All right, Brian.
Let's do this.
567
00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:45,551
Go on.
568
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:47,019
Giddy-up.
569
00:29:47,086 --> 00:29:49,588
Come on, you dumb deer.
570
00:29:51,824 --> 00:29:53,025
It's not working.
571
00:29:53,092 --> 00:29:54,360
I think they need
to be coaxed.
572
00:29:54,426 --> 00:29:56,128
Santa said they
eat elf flesh.
573
00:29:56,195 --> 00:29:58,164
Uh, oh, oh, excuse me?
574
00:29:58,230 --> 00:29:59,265
Uh, sir?
575
00:29:59,331 --> 00:30:01,433
Mr. Elf, sir?
576
00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:04,336
Hello? Young man?
577
00:30:06,005 --> 00:30:09,141
I... I don't think
he even knows where he is.
578
00:30:09,208 --> 00:30:10,910
Do-do you want
to just...
579
00:30:10,977 --> 00:30:12,744
Yeah, I mean, uh,
I'll just...
580
00:30:12,811 --> 00:30:15,347
try and do it, I guess.
581
00:30:17,583 --> 00:30:19,685
Hey.
582
00:30:19,751 --> 00:30:21,153
Hey, fella?
583
00:30:42,741 --> 00:30:45,744
Um... okay.
584
00:30:45,811 --> 00:30:47,479
Bye.
585
00:31:17,043 --> 00:31:19,045
Hey, Brian, look.
586
00:31:19,111 --> 00:31:20,646
That one reindeer
just kind of pooped
587
00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:22,581
in the other reindeer's face,
an-and...
588
00:31:22,648 --> 00:31:24,984
and the other reindeer
just kind of ate it.
589
00:31:25,051 --> 00:31:27,253
Isn't Christmas magical?
590
00:31:40,299 --> 00:31:42,334
All right,
according to this map,
591
00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:44,112
we're approaching the
northeast coast of the U.S.
592
00:31:44,136 --> 00:31:46,372
Get ready to land.
593
00:32:03,522 --> 00:32:06,158
All right, Bri, this
is it, our first town.
594
00:32:06,225 --> 00:32:07,693
I'm gonna head for that roof.
595
00:32:10,496 --> 00:32:12,331
Why are we tilting?
596
00:32:12,398 --> 00:32:14,638
Look, I've never landed one
of these things before, okay?
597
00:32:15,968 --> 00:32:18,404
- You're coming in too fast!
- Look out!
598
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,416
All right, this is good.
599
00:32:30,482 --> 00:32:33,185
In and out of this house
and onto the next one.
600
00:32:33,252 --> 00:32:34,386
What about the reindeer?
601
00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:37,832
Yeah, we'll cut them down
afterwards.
602
00:32:37,856 --> 00:32:39,158
Now let's get down the chimney.
603
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,367
Ow! You bitch!
604
00:32:48,434 --> 00:32:50,336
Okay, let's get the presents
under the tree.
605
00:32:50,402 --> 00:32:51,703
All right, you have 'em?
606
00:32:51,770 --> 00:32:52,871
I thought you had them.
607
00:32:52,938 --> 00:32:55,641
Oh, for the love of God,
they're still in the sleigh.
608
00:32:55,707 --> 00:32:56,942
Aw, crap. On the roof?
609
00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:05,451
No, it's...
it's in the yard.
610
00:33:11,423 --> 00:33:12,424
Oh, my God.
611
00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:14,326
Didn't you unlock
the door when we left?
612
00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,028
No, you were the
last one out!
613
00:33:16,095 --> 00:33:18,197
Well, how the hell
are we gonna get back inside?
614
00:33:18,264 --> 00:33:19,465
All right, find a rock.
615
00:33:26,472 --> 00:33:29,508
What are you doing?
616
00:33:29,575 --> 00:33:30,776
I'm putting out the presents.
617
00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:31,710
Not like that you're not.
618
00:33:31,777 --> 00:33:33,379
Tall in the back,
short in the front.
619
00:33:33,445 --> 00:33:35,447
And show some care,
for God's sake.
620
00:33:35,514 --> 00:33:37,292
You know, those-those
aren't socks and underwear
621
00:33:37,316 --> 00:33:38,984
donated by the fire department
622
00:33:39,051 --> 00:33:40,295
to some battered
women's shelter.
623
00:33:40,319 --> 00:33:41,987
Those are Santa gifts, Brian.
624
00:33:42,054 --> 00:33:43,255
You know, you-you have to...
625
00:33:43,322 --> 00:33:44,590
Wait. What-what are you doing?
626
00:33:44,656 --> 00:33:46,958
Did you just eat that
whole cookie off the mantel?
627
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:49,228
What? They left it out
for Santa. We're Santa.
628
00:33:49,295 --> 00:33:51,430
Yeah, but you're not supposed
to eat all of it.
629
00:33:51,497 --> 00:33:53,432
You take a bite
and a sip of milk.
630
00:33:53,499 --> 00:33:55,101
That's how the kids know
Santa was here!
631
00:33:55,167 --> 00:33:57,436
Don't yell at me. I'm not
yelling at you. I'm just...
632
00:33:57,503 --> 00:33:58,770
I'm telling you
how it's done.
633
00:33:58,837 --> 00:34:01,373
They-they need some kind of
indication that Santa was here.
634
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:02,874
Oh, okay, how
about this? Look.
635
00:34:02,941 --> 00:34:05,311
Hey, now they know he
was here. See? Stop it!
636
00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:06,921
Look, I'm here giving
out free presents!
637
00:34:06,945 --> 00:34:09,215
All right, I'll eat the
damn cookies if I want!
638
00:34:09,281 --> 00:34:12,151
You know what? I might
even make a sandwich!
639
00:34:12,218 --> 00:34:13,452
Wait. Where are you going?
640
00:34:13,519 --> 00:34:14,953
I'm going into the kitchen.
641
00:34:15,020 --> 00:34:17,180
I'm gonna make a sandwich,
get some chips or something.
642
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:21,059
Brian, knock it off!
643
00:34:21,127 --> 00:34:22,428
Aw, man.
644
00:34:22,494 --> 00:34:23,762
You jackass!
645
00:34:23,829 --> 00:34:25,631
Hey, who the hell
are you?
646
00:34:25,697 --> 00:34:27,999
Uh... hello?
647
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:29,277
What are you doing in my house?
648
00:34:29,301 --> 00:34:32,871
We're Santa
Claus... ses.
649
00:34:32,938 --> 00:34:33,938
Yeah, you're Santa Claus.
650
00:34:33,972 --> 00:34:35,317
That's why you broke in
through the window.
651
00:34:35,341 --> 00:34:36,408
I'm calling the cops.
652
00:34:36,475 --> 00:34:38,076
No, no, no.
I-I can explain.
653
00:34:38,144 --> 00:34:42,148
We-we came down the chimney,
but we-we forgot the presents.
654
00:34:42,214 --> 00:34:43,615
It's-it's actually...
655
00:34:43,682 --> 00:34:46,885
It's kind of a
funny story...
656
00:34:46,952 --> 00:34:48,220
What the hell did you do?!
657
00:34:48,287 --> 00:34:49,988
He was gonna call
the cops, man!
658
00:34:50,055 --> 00:34:51,623
You can't call the cops
on Santa.
659
00:34:51,690 --> 00:34:53,292
Now help me move
this guy's body!
660
00:35:06,272 --> 00:35:07,939
Ugh! He's still alive.
661
00:35:08,006 --> 00:35:09,608
All right,
tie him up.
662
00:35:09,675 --> 00:35:11,610
I'm gonna make it
look like a burglary.
663
00:35:13,245 --> 00:35:14,522
All right, look,
let-let's just go.
664
00:35:14,546 --> 00:35:15,747
Right, right. We'll go.
665
00:35:15,814 --> 00:35:18,550
I'm gonna rewrap this bat
for, um, Johnny.
666
00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:21,253
Let me just clean his father's
blood and hair off it.
667
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,755
Daddy, I want a drink of water.
668
00:35:27,259 --> 00:35:28,594
Hey, there.
669
00:35:28,660 --> 00:35:29,728
How you doing?
670
00:35:29,795 --> 00:35:30,896
Who are you?
671
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,063
I'm Santa.
672
00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:33,532
You're Santa?!
673
00:35:33,599 --> 00:35:34,933
Who are you?
674
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:36,868
Where's Dan?
675
00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:40,839
Oh, my God!
676
00:35:40,906 --> 00:35:41,973
Oh, crap!
677
00:35:44,443 --> 00:35:45,977
Quick, Stewie!
Get the bat!
678
00:35:46,044 --> 00:35:48,013
Help! Help!
679
00:35:49,248 --> 00:35:50,716
Mommy!
680
00:35:50,782 --> 00:35:51,850
It's okay.
It's okay.
681
00:35:51,917 --> 00:35:54,119
Brian, see if you can
find some duct tape.
682
00:35:54,186 --> 00:35:55,587
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
683
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:57,523
Mommy! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
684
00:35:57,589 --> 00:35:58,757
Mama!
685
00:36:00,392 --> 00:36:02,361
All right, let's get
this place cleaned up.
686
00:36:05,764 --> 00:36:07,933
All right,
that's the last of the blood.
687
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:09,368
Go check on the other kid.
688
00:36:09,435 --> 00:36:10,602
What other kid?
689
00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:12,871
Johnny, the one
who's getting the bat.
690
00:36:12,938 --> 00:36:15,140
Stewie, there's only
one bedroom up here.
691
00:36:15,207 --> 00:36:16,342
What?
692
00:36:16,408 --> 00:36:17,709
Do you have a brother?
693
00:36:17,776 --> 00:36:19,711
Well, then who the
hell is John...?
694
00:36:19,778 --> 00:36:22,047
Oh, my God, we're
in the wrong house.
695
00:36:23,649 --> 00:36:24,883
Damn it, we
tripped the alarm.
696
00:36:24,950 --> 00:36:26,585
Brian, the cops are
coming. Let's go!
697
00:36:26,652 --> 00:36:27,962
What? We're just
leaving like this?
698
00:36:27,986 --> 00:36:29,597
What about not wanting
to ruin Christmas?!
699
00:36:29,621 --> 00:36:30,889
It's already ruined!
700
00:36:30,956 --> 00:36:32,224
This was one house.
701
00:36:32,291 --> 00:36:34,960
We've been here for an hour
and a half! An hour and...
702
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:36,928
First of all,
we're not even Santa anymore.
703
00:36:36,995 --> 00:36:38,230
This has been a home invasion.
704
00:36:38,297 --> 00:36:39,765
But an hour and a half, Brian!
705
00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:41,433
It's gonna be light
in six hours,
706
00:36:41,500 --> 00:36:43,902
and we have to deliver
to the whole rest of the world!
707
00:36:43,969 --> 00:36:46,372
There's two apartment buildings
on this block alone!
708
00:36:46,438 --> 00:36:47,839
No wonder Santa
lost his mind.
709
00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:49,541
This is ridiculous!
We can't do this!
710
00:36:49,608 --> 00:36:51,443
Nobody can. It's inhuman!
711
00:36:51,510 --> 00:36:53,150
All right, come on,
let's get out of here!
712
00:36:55,146 --> 00:36:56,424
Aw, damn,
what about the reindeer?
713
00:36:56,448 --> 00:36:57,649
The hell with
the reindeer!
714
00:36:57,716 --> 00:36:59,436
Look, they're all eating
each other, anyway!
715
00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:03,594
Besides, we
don't need 'em.
716
00:37:03,655 --> 00:37:04,956
I made a few
modifications.
717
00:37:05,023 --> 00:37:06,124
Hang on.
718
00:37:21,106 --> 00:37:23,542
That was a disaster.
719
00:37:23,609 --> 00:37:25,076
I can't believe it.
720
00:37:25,143 --> 00:37:26,545
We were supposed
to save Christmas,
721
00:37:26,612 --> 00:37:28,013
and we completely blew it.
722
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,148
We failed Santa.
723
00:37:30,215 --> 00:37:32,551
No. No, we didn't fail Santa.
724
00:37:32,618 --> 00:37:34,486
The world failed Santa.
725
00:37:34,553 --> 00:37:36,622
He gives and gives and gives,
726
00:37:36,688 --> 00:37:38,690
and everyone just takes him
for granted.
727
00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:41,527
Hell, I-I didn't even think
he existed until last night.
728
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:43,462
Well, what are we
supposed to do now?
729
00:37:43,529 --> 00:37:45,030
Christmas is doomed.
730
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:48,300
Maybe, but there is one thing
we can do.
731
00:37:48,367 --> 00:37:49,768
Move over.
732
00:38:17,729 --> 00:38:19,565
Lois!
733
00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:21,733
There's no presents
under the tree!
734
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:22,834
What?
735
00:38:24,370 --> 00:38:25,904
Oh, my God.
736
00:38:25,971 --> 00:38:27,839
Joe, did you get
any Christmas presents?!
737
00:38:27,906 --> 00:38:29,708
- No!
- Me, neither!
738
00:38:29,775 --> 00:38:32,177
I got eight mediocre things.
739
00:38:32,243 --> 00:38:33,545
Good morning, Quahog.
740
00:38:33,612 --> 00:38:36,314
Our top story today...
Santa Claus skips Christmas.
741
00:38:36,382 --> 00:38:37,716
Hopeful citizens worldwide
woke up
742
00:38:37,783 --> 00:38:39,418
to disappointment this morning
743
00:38:39,485 --> 00:38:41,353
when they discovered no gifts
from Santa
744
00:38:41,420 --> 00:38:42,754
under their Christmas trees.
745
00:38:42,821 --> 00:38:44,656
Local officials are going
with the theory
746
00:38:44,723 --> 00:38:46,625
that everyone was bad this year.
747
00:38:46,692 --> 00:38:48,760
The investigation continues
into this mysterious...
748
00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:51,397
Wait! I know what happened
to Christmas!
749
00:38:51,463 --> 00:38:52,798
Brian?!
750
00:39:00,071 --> 00:39:02,374
Santa Claus!
751
00:39:02,441 --> 00:39:04,743
That's right!
It's Santa Claus.
752
00:39:04,810 --> 00:39:06,645
And you've got to
listen to me.
753
00:39:06,712 --> 00:39:08,714
The reason there was
no Christmas this year
754
00:39:08,780 --> 00:39:10,382
is that this man is sick.
755
00:39:10,449 --> 00:39:12,784
Very sick.
And he needs our help.
756
00:39:12,851 --> 00:39:16,455
He's been bludgeoned by years
of greed and avarice.
757
00:39:16,522 --> 00:39:18,524
The workload
of filling our Christmas lists
758
00:39:18,590 --> 00:39:20,058
has overwhelmed him.
759
00:39:20,125 --> 00:39:23,529
And at the rate he's going,
he may not make it another year.
760
00:39:23,595 --> 00:39:25,564
But there's a way
for us to help him.
761
00:39:25,631 --> 00:39:28,834
If all of us everywhere
can just cut back our demands
762
00:39:28,900 --> 00:39:31,437
and ask for only one
Christmas present every year,
763
00:39:31,503 --> 00:39:33,772
there may still be hope.
764
00:39:33,839 --> 00:39:36,775
I know it's in our nature
to resist sacrifice,
765
00:39:36,842 --> 00:39:39,210
even in hard times,
but if we don't,
766
00:39:39,277 --> 00:39:42,714
we may have to give up
Christmas all together.
767
00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:48,420
Well, folks, you heard it here
first on Channel Five News.
768
00:39:48,487 --> 00:39:50,121
Looks like we have a choice.
769
00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:53,058
One Christmas gift a year
for each one of us.
770
00:39:53,124 --> 00:39:55,160
Can we live with that?
771
00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:57,295
I can.
772
00:39:57,362 --> 00:39:58,464
So can I.
773
00:39:58,530 --> 00:39:59,865
Me, too.
774
00:39:59,931 --> 00:40:00,966
I can, too.
775
00:40:01,032 --> 00:40:02,133
I can live with that.
776
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:03,435
Count me in.
777
00:40:03,502 --> 00:40:04,903
One is enough.
778
00:40:04,970 --> 00:40:06,037
Aye.
779
00:40:06,104 --> 00:40:07,372
I can.
780
00:40:07,439 --> 00:40:09,475
One gift is okay.
781
00:40:09,541 --> 00:40:10,976
I can live with it.
782
00:40:11,042 --> 00:40:12,744
Okay, just one.
783
00:40:12,811 --> 00:40:14,279
But if it's a gym membership,
784
00:40:14,345 --> 00:40:17,148
somebody's getting punched
in the face.
785
00:40:40,672 --> 00:40:42,574
Ding dong, ding dong.
786
00:40:42,641 --> 00:40:44,576
Ding dong,
ding dong.
787
00:40:44,643 --> 00:40:47,879
Making toys for everyone.
788
00:42:11,797 --> 00:42:15,266
We can get out of any mess.
789
00:42:15,333 --> 00:42:19,304
If we learn to live
with less.
790
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:27,345
And with Santa's love
there's nothing to fear.
791
00:42:27,412 --> 00:42:30,882
All these happy wishes.
792
00:42:30,949 --> 00:42:34,953
And lots of Christmas cheer.
793
00:42:35,020 --> 00:42:39,190
Is all I really want.
794
00:42:39,257 --> 00:42:45,563
This year!57868
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