All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E06 WEB.eng

It seems today
that all you see.

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.

But where are those
good old-fashioned values.

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do.

All the things that make us.

Laugh and cry.

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Hi. Package for
Brian Griffin.

Oh, I can sign for that.

Package, Bri.

Huh. Wonder
what this is.

It's my book.

And there's a note
from my publisher.

"We are returning
all of the unsold copies

of Faster Than
the Speed of Love."

You guys got a garage
or something?

We got like 300 boxes
of these things.

Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

Oh, this is so weird.

Look what they used
to pack your book in.

Shredded-up pieces of your book.

Okay, that's it, I'm finished.

What are you
talking about?

I'm-I'm finished.
I'm done. It's over.

Clearly, I am not
meant to be a writer.

I have tried and I have tried,
and nothing has worked out.

I... put my heart out there, and
it keeps getting stomped on.

Well, that's it, no more.

I-I-I'm done writing.

What? Writing's
the only thing

that's giving your alcoholism
any credibility.

Ooh, hey, you know, I just
thought of something,

hold on a sec.

I bought a vase last week
and it's still in the box,

and I just want to check to see
what they used to pack it...

Ah, it's your book!

Oh, my God,
this gets me so angry!

What? What is it?

Look at this.

The number-one book on The New
York Times Bestseller list

is Dream Your Way to
Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore.

This is why nobody
bought my damn book.

You know, this is
what they want.

The Secret.

Chicken Soup for the Soul.
The Purpose Driven Life.

I-I tell ya, I could crap one
of those things out in a night.

I'm gonna tell Mom
you said "crap."

No, I mean it. I could do it in three
hours and idiots everywhere would buy it.

Well, why don't you? Believe me, I
would love to, just to make a point,

but I... I've
given up writing.

Yes, but you cared about
what you wrote before.

You don't care about this,
so what does it matter?

Well, you do have a point.

All right. Maybe I will.

Oh, how fun. Can
I watch you write it?

I don't know, Stewie, I kind
of like to write in solitude.

No, no, I promise, I'll be as
quiet as a guy in a coma.

Ah, this is great.

I can finally be alone
with my thoughts.

Wait, I've got it.
Predator versus Batman.

Why has no one done this?
I need a pen, where's a pen?

Oh, right, I can't move.
That's okay, I'll remember it.

I mean, I can't forget a
million-dollar idea like that.

It's even better than the one
yesterday about the guys who...

Wait, I mean
the woman with the...

What was it?
Was she a shapeshifter?

Damn it, I just had it.
All right, calm down.

At least you've still
got Batman and the...

It was Batman Meets...

Oh, you got to be kidding me,
I just had it.

What was it, Batman Has a Son?

No, no, you idiot.
No wonder your wife shot you.

And... done.

There it is, Stewie.

Three hours, 27 minutes
and I've got myself

one big steamin' pile of book.

You want to hear it?
Oh, definitely.

What are you calling it?

Wish It, Want It, Do It.

Love it.

Thanks. Okay.
"Chapter One: Wish it.

"What are all the things
you want most in the world?

"Use the following
blank pages

to write down all of your
dreams and desires."

Ah. Brilliant. Make them
do the work. Yeah, why not?

You know, i-i-if people want
crap, I'll give 'em crap.

And, you know, I have a friend

who might be able to help
get this published.

Wait, you have a friend
in publishing

and you never told me before?

He's kind of a new friend.
Who is he?

Yeah, I don't know if you want to
start digging around in this area.

Let's just leave it at
he's a friend in publishing

and he calls on Thursdays.

Um, hey, Brian, when you're
done, can I make a pirate hat?

Here,
just take it.

I look awesome.

All right, I got to
go to a wedding.

I'll see you later.

Oh, my God, that is
fantastic news!

I can't wait to tell him!

I know, I told you
the book was good.

Yeah, thank you
so much, Don.

Um... red overalls,
a yellow shirt underneath...

Um, I-I-I don't really have
time to do this right now.

Brian, they're publishing
your book.

You're kidding.
I-I can't believe it.

That's the worst thing
I've ever written.

Not according
to Penguin Publishing.

In fact, you're supposed
to call the chief editor.

Penguin Publishing.

One moment, please.

Sir, I have a Brian Griffin
on the line...

Out. Get out!
Get out now!

All right, everyone, I made
a very special breakfast

to celebrate Brian's
book coming out.

And... and...

it's a special breakfast
for me, too, right?

Why?

Because... because it
is the anniversary

of when I started
to eat vegetables.

Author! Author!

And Peter for
eating healthy.

Oh, Lois, you didn't have
to go through all this fuss.

What you got there?

Oh, this? It's just
a copy of Us magazine.

Can you believe it?

Wish it, Want it, Do it
got three stars.

How... How
hilarious is that?

It's not hilarious;
Its great, Brian.

That's a huge accomplishment.

Well, I helped get
the review in.

I called a friend
over at Us Weekly

who usually just covers people
with gross amounts of children,

but now he's the book reviewer.

So hats off to both of us.

Well, n-nice going, Stewie.
You ought to be my publicist.

You know, I-I don't want you
to be offering me this

just because we're related.

I do have references
you can call.

You know, I-I spent a month

as Melanie Griffith's
loose skin holder.

Melanie! Melanie! Over here.

You look beautiful.

Can't... hold... on...
much... longer... Whoa.

I should have stayed in bed.

Yeah, we're walking in now.

Make sure Tom Tucker knows
he has 20 minutes

and he is to only talk about the
book... no personal questions, all right?

Are you okay? You good? You...
You need anything? All right.

All right, we're inside and
there is nobody here to greet us.

We have no idea where we are or
where we're supposed to go.

Oh wait, is that you
on the phone over there?

Is this...? This is us.
Look over here.

There we go.
He sees us. All right.

Hi, thanks for coming.

Yeah, hello,
we've been here a while.

Come on, I'll show
you the green room.

And Mr. Griffin, I just have
to say, I loved your book.

Oh, well, thanks.

What's your name?
Sharhooz.

Oh, my God.

It'll just be a few minutes.

Oh, uh, excuse me, there's
something on the wall.

Now you have exactly 20
seconds to find us a room

with a white sofa, a white
table, white hydrangeas

and Fiji water!

Geez, Stewie, there's
no need to...

Ooh, I said no gray M & M's.
These are all gray.

Don't worry, Brian.
I've got it all under control.

You're a big canine star.

They should be treating
you like Spuds MacKenzie.

Man, I wonder
what he's doing now.

Now, ladies,
approach him slowly.

He can't really
see anymore.

I've injected him
with the Viagra.

Now, I'm gonna roll
him on his back,

but you're pretty much gonna
have to do 100% of the work.

We're here with Brian Griffin,
local author

of the new bestseller
Wish it, Want it, Do it.

Am I pronouncing
that correctly?

Uh, yeah.

N-Now, what does that mean...
Wish It, Want It, Do It?

Uh, well, it... it basically just
refers to the steps necessary

for identifying and achieving
your dreams and doing so

in as effective and expeditious
a manner as possible.

Wow. And it's
nonfiction, right?

Y... uh... yes, it is.

Now, w-which one is
that? I always forget.

Is that the one that
really happened or not?

Uh... yeah.
Okay, oh, so this...

so now... so this
is... this is a true story.

Well, it's not really
a narrative...

Doesn't matter. I'm hooked.

And we'll be right
back with sports.

Okay, you're doing
great so far.

Now I was just texting
with New York.

We're doing a
whole thing there.

I booked your plane ticket,
and I specifically asked

that you not sit next
to an Asian.

Stewie, that's racist.
That's terrible.

I'm sorry, do you want me
to call back and change it?

Well, it's done now.
Seems like a lot of extra work.

Okay, there's a book signing

at the Barnes and Noble
on Union Square at 5:00.

And then at 7:00 you're
meeting with a reporter

from In Style magazine
at Pastis.

I just wanna warn you,
she's very heavy.

So be prepared for that.

Geez, how heavy? I don't know,
but apparently heavy enough

that they felt they
needed to warn me.

Oh, look at this, your book
is number three on Amazon.

Number three?

Well, who's number one?

Oh, it's that new biography
on Michael Jackson.

Oh, come on, another one?

Unless it was written

by a ten-year-old's
bottom, who cares?

I... it doesn't say who
the author is, Brian,

but I... I would guess that
it's probably not that.

Well, Stewie,
I can't tell you

how much I appreciate
all you're doing.

I mean, I-I have been so
happy with most everything.

Oh... y... Most?

Oh, yeah... Oh, don't even, it's
so tiny, those other things,

it's not even worth...
Oh, my God, you're amazing.

I've been so thrilled
with how you're doing.

Oh, great.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, uh... Checking in.
Brian Griffin.

You... You should
usually do that.

That... You should
check me in.

That's like one of the
things I was talking about.

I just have to tell you,
I loved your book, Mr. Griffin.

Oh, thank you so much.
You made my day.

So, you still in school?

Graduating this year.

Well, we'll have to
celebrate while I'm here.

Okay, well, I'll be
right back with your key.

She's so pretty, isn't she?

Yeah... you know.

Do you think she liked me?

I don't know.

How... How weird would it be

if she just showed up
at my room later?

I... Pretty weird, I guess.

Oh, my God, were you... were
you thinking of doing that?

Sending her to my room?

No... why?

Why? Were you thinking
of me doing that?

I don't even know what
you're saying anymore, man.

Just... do... do whatever
you're thinking.

Oh, man, crazy.

Hi, um, I just want to say
that I can't tell you

how much your book
has helped me.

Uh-huh. What's your name?

It's Jan.

Okay, here you go, Dan.

Y-Yeah, it's Jan.

Back of the line. Go on.

Come back around,
he'll try it again.

Hi. Can you make
it out to Kelly?

Well, hi there. I sure can.

You know, I have to tell you,

Wish It, Want It, Do It
totally changed my life.

Well, you know, that's what I
set out to do with this book,

so, you know, I gotta tell you,
that makes me feel pretty great.

This is just a phone number.

I know, I know,
my phone number.

Yeah.

What do you think of that?

Um, I'm not sure.

Well, you know,
I'm sure for you.

Yeah.

I see.

Yeah.

I'm a little creeped out.

Hey, congratulations,
somebody famous now hates you.

Okay, so, that's enough
autographs, I think.

Listen, I want to thank
you all for coming down.

And remember, Wish It,
Want It, Buy It. All right.

Brian, settle down.

You're worse than that guy
from Penguin Publishing.

You want to get a book
published, don't you?

Well... yes.

Well, if you want to be
in black and white,

black and white's
gotta be in you.

God, you know,
Stewie, I-I used

to think that John
Lennon was kind of a jerk

for saying The Beatles
were bigger than Jesus,

but now, I mean, it's like,

I'm not saying I am,
but I get it.

You know, now that we have
two minutes

to kinda let
the dust settle,

I just wanna say
that I'm really proud of you.

Hey, I'm proud of myself, man.

I mean, I think
it's like... you know,

I-I think everybody has
greatness in them,

but it's-it's really about
having the courage

to just kinda get inside
your own head

and just kinda poke around in
there and, you know, be, like,

"Hey, oh, my gosh,
what's under here?

"Hey, what do you call yourself?

"Oh, Wisdom.

"Oh, Profundity.

"Oh, Truth.

"Hey, let's, let's all just go
hang out together

between the covers of a book."

I love hearing
about your process.

Hey, enough about me.
This was a great meal.

Oh, good, good,
I'm glad you like it.

They told me
everybody comes here.

Hey, there's
Renee Zellweger.

Hey, Renee,
how you doin'?

Oh, hi, Brian!

She seemed really nice.

Get over here!

Is, is everything okay?

No, everything is
not okay.

Can you figure out
what the problem is?

I-I don't...
I-I honestly have no...

Oh, God!

How do you think I feel walking
out of the back room

of a restaurant and seeing
Renee Zellweger eating

in the front room
of that restaurant?

I am mortified.

Absolutely mortified!

You should know better
than this!

I-I told them who you were
when I made the reservation!

Look, I have written
a best-selling phenomenon!

I should be sitting in
the front damn room!!

Okay, okay, I hear
you, I hear you.

And I just want you
to know that my only goal is

to be able to help
you better.

And you being
honest with me,

well, that's helping
me do that.

So thank you.

Good.

Oh, Brian, are you going
straight back to the hotel?

'Cause I was gonna go back...

You know what, I'll just...
I'll take a cab.

Well, at least
it's not raining.

Hey, Brian,
welcome home!

How was your
book signing?

Geez, Lois,
could I have,

like, five minutes
to decompress, please?

It was a really
horrible flight,

and I was sitting next to a
Japanese guy who had a cold.

Dear God,
he's become a monster!

Stewie, I got a flea
thing goin' on in here!

Where the hell's
my Frontline?!

Oh, my God! Brian! Brian!

Brian, look at this!

I got you on
Real Time with Bill Maher!

You're kidding?
That's awesome, Stewie!

Great job!

Oh, "great job,"
so you know that phrase.

What's that?
What?

What phrase do I know?

Bill Maher, whoo!

Okay, so the topic is
going to be,

"Should God play
a role in politics?"

Oh, and here's your heartworm
pill wrapped in bologna.

Stewie, the point
of the bologna is

that I don't know
the pill is there.

Why am I standing
under an air vent?!

Um... because...

because that's where...

Because that's where...

I...
I...

Because...
Because...

Well...
Well...

I can...
I can...

Uh...
Uh..

You...
Yeah...

Uh... Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, uh.

Okay, Mr. Griffin, we'll be
ready in five minutes.

You'll be on the panel with
Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

My-my publicist told me
Christopher Hitchens

would be on the panel.

No, we told him Dana
and Arianna two hours ago.

I did my prep research on
Christopher Hitchens.

I am so... sorry.

I am done with you.

Do you hear me?! Done!

Get out of here now!

Brian, please.

You're fired!

Yes, but I think the more
important question

that sometimes gets
ignored is

what about the separation
of church and state?

Well, Bill,
see, I think...

Uh-uh-uh, actually, Dana,
if I may, if I may,

I have some insight on this.
Bill, do you mind?

Go, dog.

Well, it just so happens

that separation of church and
state is something

I'm actually gonna cover in
my next book,

God. Period. Dammit.

What does that mean?

Uh, well, if I can
expand on this.

Um, for one thing,
"In God we trust" is on money.

Now, what does that tell ya?

Tells me Americans will get
all Christ-y

about any sort
of stupid.

So what?

I think what's
actually alarming is the fact

that all this kind
of pseudo spirituality is

being peddled to the American
people in books that have,

really, less substance
than an issue of TV Guide.

That's a good argument.
It's a very good argument.

I agree. I agree.

Really? Because I read
Wish It, Want It, Do It.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed!

Uh, gosh, next thing you know,

both of you guys are
gonna tell me

that it changed your lives.

Uh, yeah, I,
I didn't read it.

Oh, hey, oh, so you're the guy.

It's-It's actually...
it's actually very popular.

Well, it may be popular,

but I, I have to say
I agree with Arianna.

Uh, I think
it's actually quite harmful.

Oh. Did you...?
When, when did you say that?

I just did.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, maybe,
maybe 'cause it sounds

like you're talking
with a mouthful of syrup,

I just didn't get it.

Hey, you, man.

Actually, it, it,
I mean, it seems

that these sorts of books tend
to pander to the laziest kind

of self-help within the
narrowest socioeconomic range.

I mean, yeah, you can wish it,
and you can do it,

but only if you have
the educational advantages,

the societal advantages
that, like, what,

five percent
of the country has.

Well, yeah, you forgot "want
it," which is such a big part

of the book. I mean, but, but
you know, then again,

you just said you haven't read
it, so, you know...

Actually, since I said
that, I did read it.

And that's another thing,
I have to say

aren't "wish it" and "want it"
really the same thing?

I mean, your book...

basically makes three points,

and two of them
are the same point.

Well, you know, I mean, it does
seem to be helping

a lot of people, Bill...

Well, "help" is a strong word.

Um, how does this help people,
like, with cancer or in Darfur?

Well, I mean,
it's not really for them.

It's for, like,
if you want a car.

How-how does this help you get
a car?

Well, I mean,
it doesn't with that attitude.

I mean, you have...

You have to do some
of the work yourself.

That's why there are
50 blank pages.

That's why I keep it
by the phone.

I think what this is
is simple exploitation

of the American people who could
be using the money

that they spend to buy this book
to actually buy something useful

like legitimate healthcare
that they actually need.

You know, what-what the hell's
your problem, Zsa Zsa?

What is your problem, Snoopy?

Look, what it comes down to is that
these false promises of, like, a quick fix

to any and every problem
that you would ever have,

what books like these suggest is
actually damaging

to a large, gullible segment
of the population.

Oh, yeah, aren't you
a sitcom writer?

I'm an author. I have
contributed to the zeitgeist.

Do you even know
what "zeitgeist" means?

If I didn't know what it meant,
I wouldn't use it, Dana...

Which... which is a girl's
name... and I'm...

And you know,

I-I'm not gonna
give you, I'm not gonna give you

the definition right now just
for your satisfaction.

You know, Brian, I don't think
you're in a position, really,

here to pull rank on anybody.

I mean, yes, Dana has made
a career in comedy.

I don't think
he's ever done anything

as laughable as this book.

Look, all right, well...

What do you want?
I wrote it in a day.

Listen, Bill, I am

such a big fan of yours.

I think you're totally getting
the wrong impression of me.

I-I was just trying to write
something that would sell.

I-I think it's crap, too.

Wow. If I had even one shred

of respect for you before this,
it's gone now.

I mean, if you're gonna dump on
people,

the kind of steaming, stinking,
smelly dump

that your kind traffics in...

...at least stand by your dump.

O-okay, look,
I'm happy to do that.

I-I-I'm just, I'm just try...

Look, what I was saying...

Look, just tell me
what you want me to say!

Bill, he's urinating!

That's it!

Look, Bill, can I...?
Outside.

No, no, no, outside!
Outside now!

Outside!

You get outside!

Uh, knock-knock.

Hey, Stewie.

What do you want?

I just wanna talk to you about
everything that happened.

Um, you know,
you were the only person

who believed in me
when I was down.

This all happened so fast,
and I lost sight of who I was.

I mean, you know, sure,

you were in
a little over your head, but...

I was in
over my head?

Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't
about all the things you did wrong.

It's about me apologizing.

Okay, then apologize.

I just did.
No, you didn't.

You just said it's
about me apologizing.

That's not actually
apologizing.

All right, Stewie,
I'm sorry

that I made you uncomfortable
and put you in a situation

that you clearly
couldn't handle.

Okay, okay,
there it is again.

What the hell?
Stop with that!

Y-you're right.
You're right.

This is,
this is about healing.

This, this is not about
how many things

you messed up
along the way.

It's about how badly
I reacted to them.

So, I'm sorry
about how badly I reacted

to your many errors.

That's as good as it's
gonna get, isn't it?

Pretty much.
You can't write.