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1
00:00:01,850 --> 00:00:04,850
ล It seems today
that all you see ล
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00:00:04,860 --> 00:00:08,100
ล Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ล
3
00:00:08,090 --> 00:00:12,090
ล But where are those
good old-fashioned values ล
4
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:15,000
ล On which we used to rely? ล
5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,660
ล Lucky there's a family guy ล
6
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:21,930
ล Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ล
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00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:23,870
ล All the things that make us ล
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00:00:23,870 --> 00:00:25,200
ล Laugh and cry ล
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00:00:25,210 --> 00:00:31,380
ล He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ล
10
00:00:37,860 --> 00:00:40,100
Oh, Lois, I'm so glad
you were able
11
00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:41,850
to make it
to dinner tonight.
12
00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:43,190
Oh, me, too, Mom.
13
00:00:43,190 --> 00:00:44,720
We haven't seen
you in ages.
14
00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:45,690
Oh, there you are.
15
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:48,070
Did you find
the new bathroom okay?
16
00:00:48,070 --> 00:00:49,000
Uh-huh.
17
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,800
I'm so sorry about
your father keeping us.
18
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,400
He's probably down
at the dock
19
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,570
tinkering with that
darn yacht of his.
20
00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:56,300
Oh, that's okay, Mom.
21
00:00:56,310 --> 00:00:58,150
We'll just have to
entertain ourselves for...
22
00:00:58,140 --> 00:00:59,570
Hey, Babs, settle something
for us.
23
00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:02,620
I wanted to bring, um, an owl
on this trip,
24
00:01:02,610 --> 00:01:03,640
but Lois wouldn't let me.
25
00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:05,090
Could you have
accommodated an owl?
26
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,710
Well, I suppose there's
some room in the owlery,
27
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,580
but I can't be certain.
28
00:01:09,590 --> 00:01:11,090
I'll take that as a yes.
29
00:01:11,090 --> 00:01:12,680
You owe Dr. Hoo an apology.
30
00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:14,050
Hey, can we change
the channel?
31
00:01:14,060 --> 00:01:15,700
I'm tired of watching
O ld Ships.
32
00:01:15,690 --> 00:01:18,520
Peter, that's not a TV,
it's a painting.
33
00:01:18,530 --> 00:01:19,790
Actually, Lois,
it is a TV.
34
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,910
It's the PBS show Old Ships.
35
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:24,130
Good, I hate PBS.
36
00:01:24,130 --> 00:01:27,270
ANNOUNCER:
This PBS program is brought
to you by generous grants
37
00:01:27,270 --> 00:01:29,070
from the Arthur Vining Davis
Foundations
38
00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:32,200
and the John D. and Catherine T.
MacArthur Foundation
39
00:01:32,210 --> 00:01:32,940
in association with
40
00:01:32,940 --> 00:01:34,540
the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting,
41
00:01:34,550 --> 00:01:37,020
with additional funding
by Archer Midland Whiteman
42
00:01:37,010 --> 00:01:38,710
Colgate Palmolive,
Exxon Mobil,
43
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,890
and a 20 I found in a blazer
I wore to a wedding last year.
44
00:01:41,890 --> 00:01:45,930
Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part
series on street signs:
45
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,790
"Part Four: Yield."
46
00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:50,960
OLD MAN:
Before they had the sign,
people just run into each other.
47
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,960
I don't know, maybe, maybe
you had to see the first three
48
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,030
to get this,
but I-I am completely lost.
49
00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:57,260
Lois, you said
there would be
50
00:01:57,270 --> 00:01:58,770
other men my
own age here.
51
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:00,170
But there aren't,
and I'm bored.
52
00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:02,630
Look, Peter, why don't you
just grab a book
53
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,970
off the shelf and be quiet?
54
00:02:03,970 --> 00:02:05,670
No! Books are jerks.
55
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:06,850
Stop acting like a brat.
56
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:08,570
What about a picture book?
57
00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:10,280
Only if it has a mirror
at the end of it,
58
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,980
and it says, "How about you?"
59
00:02:17,990 --> 00:02:18,750
Oh, wow,
60
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,260
look at these old photos
of you and Dad.
61
00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:22,520
This must be
around the time
62
00:02:22,530 --> 00:02:24,800
you guys were
first dating, huh?
63
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:25,530
Oh dear, yes.
64
00:02:25,530 --> 00:02:29,360
Ah, your father was
so handsome back then.
65
00:02:29,370 --> 00:02:32,340
I remember the day we met.
66
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:40,510
It was one of those lovely, warm summer days by the shore.
67
00:02:40,510 --> 00:02:43,840
Perfect giant beach ball weather.
68
00:02:44,010 --> 00:02:46,550
Would you like another
John Barrymore and soda?
69
00:02:46,550 --> 00:02:48,010
Ah, yes.
Thank you, Clarence.
70
00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:49,780
How are things
in Terriblehood?
71
00:02:49,790 --> 00:02:50,890
Terrible, sir.
72
00:02:50,890 --> 00:02:52,360
Good, good.
73
00:02:52,990 --> 00:02:54,620
Ah! You dumb bitch!
74
00:02:54,630 --> 00:02:56,470
My friend and I held our breath,
75
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:59,790
wondering which one of us he was talking to.
76
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,100
But the lucky one was me.
77
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:05,900
And from there, our romance blossomed.
78
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,040
Boy, you can
take a punch,
79
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,470
but at the same time,
you cowered a little bit.
80
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,320
Now, that's a woman.
81
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:14,370
(giggles)
82
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:16,510
I love you, Pussycup.
83
00:03:16,510 --> 00:03:18,140
I love you, too.
84
00:03:18,150 --> 00:03:19,040
Now, let's kiss
85
00:03:19,050 --> 00:03:22,250
while the camera pans
over to the drapes.
86
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:27,350
Good stuff happening
over here.
87
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:28,060
All implied.
88
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:30,990
It was the happiest time of our lives.
89
00:03:30,990 --> 00:03:33,030
Unfortunately, that was the year
90
00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:35,490
the great war with Alaska broke out,
91
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,530
and even Carter's lofty connections
92
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:41,240
couldn't save him from the draft.
93
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:41,930
(explosion)
94
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:44,600
In one of the bloodiest battles of the war,
95
00:03:44,610 --> 00:03:46,670
Carter nearly lost his life in the battle
96
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:51,190
with the infamous, walrus-backed Nanookwaffe.
97
00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:53,890
(roaring)
98
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,210
But through all of it,
99
00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:57,320
Carter never forgot to write to me daily
100
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,450
to send his love along with a mix tape.
101
00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:03,430
CARTER:
Babs, you want to spend
a mind-blowing afternoon?
102
00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:04,970
Get stoned
and listen to this song.
103
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:09,960
WOMAN: ล Jeepers, creepers,
where'd you get those peepers? ล
104
00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:14,110
But after some months, the letters stopped coming,
105
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:18,070
and I was certain he had perished.
106
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,550
So I took up with a young dandy named Rodginald.
107
00:04:21,550 --> 00:04:23,490
He would bring me small chocolates
108
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,680
and sit in my front parlor and pitch woo at me,
109
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,480
taking my hand gently and singing from bended knee
110
00:04:30,490 --> 00:04:32,890
the popular songs of his youth.
111
00:04:32,890 --> 00:04:33,590
ล Marry me ล
112
00:04:33,590 --> 00:04:38,420
ล And I will buy you
chewing gum. ล
113
00:04:38,430 --> 00:04:40,460
With no other suitors to speak of,
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00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:43,100
I agreed that I would marry him forthwith,
115
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:47,530
even though my heart still belonged to Carter.
116
00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:49,010
(elegant music playing)
117
00:04:49,010 --> 00:04:52,980
I believe Rodginald knew this, and he even tried to strike me
118
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:55,850
in the manner to which I had become accustomed.
119
00:04:55,850 --> 00:04:56,720
(hands slapping)
120
00:04:56,710 --> 00:04:58,240
But it wasn't the same.
121
00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:01,710
And then a miracle happened.
122
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:07,200
Babs!
123
00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:09,020
Carter!
124
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,770
Oh!
125
00:05:21,410 --> 00:05:23,810
Oh, Carter,
you're alive!
126
00:05:23,810 --> 00:05:26,210
I've missed you so.
127
00:05:26,210 --> 00:05:28,570
Babs, be my wife!
128
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:31,280
Oh, yes,
Carter, yes!
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00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,650
Hey, that's my gal!
130
00:05:33,650 --> 00:05:35,780
Dear, sir,
I respectfully urge you
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00:05:35,790 --> 00:05:39,930
to prepare yourself
for one devil of a skirmish!
132
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,840
Oh, I always
love hearing
that story, Mom.
133
00:05:47,830 --> 00:05:51,260
I got a story about a fat guy
who's starving and bored.
134
00:05:51,270 --> 00:05:52,660
Look, Peter, if
you're that hungry,
135
00:05:52,670 --> 00:05:54,630
go down to the dock
and find Daddy,
136
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:55,770
and we'll get
dinner started.
137
00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:57,200
You're not gonna get
dinner started.
138
00:05:57,210 --> 00:06:00,050
She's gonna tell that sloppy
old Spanish maid to do it.
139
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,170
And she will, but only
because she needs money
140
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:03,070
to pay for medicine
141
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,480
for her prematurely overweight
son Diabeto.
142
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,880
Mama, may I
have cookie?
143
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:11,080
No, Diabeto,
roll back to kitchen.
144
00:06:11,090 --> 00:06:13,660
Oh...!
145
00:06:15,990 --> 00:06:17,590
Mr. Pewterschmidt!
146
00:06:17,590 --> 00:06:20,260
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
dinner's ready!
147
00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:24,300
Damn it, he can't hear me.
148
00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,140
(Pewterschmidt laughing)
149
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,180
Ah, that was excellent.
150
00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:43,420
When I clenched it, you
took your fingers away.
151
00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:45,550
You were right
to do that.
152
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:46,800
Oh, my God!
153
00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:47,550
(gasps)
154
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:48,400
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
155
00:06:48,390 --> 00:06:50,460
you're having an affair?! Ew!
156
00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:52,060
No, no, this is my sister.
157
00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:53,490
Ew!
No, no, no, I'm impotent.
158
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:57,240
Ew!
I mean, she looked at me
while I did it to myself.
159
00:06:57,230 --> 00:06:58,060
Ew!
160
00:06:58,070 --> 00:06:59,460
I mean, she's a man.
161
00:06:59,470 --> 00:07:00,600
Ew!
162
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,440
We need more Es and Ws
down here now!
163
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,400
MAN:
We're trying!
164
00:07:04,410 --> 00:07:05,410
We're running
out of letters!
165
00:07:05,410 --> 00:07:08,170
Just turn the Ms upside down
and send them down here!
166
00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:09,140
You can't
just do that!
167
00:07:09,150 --> 00:07:10,750
There's a lot of
paperwork before
you can...
168
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,190
I don't care!
I'll take the heat!
169
00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:14,450
Just turn them over
and send them down!
170
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,120
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you're having an affair?!
171
00:07:22,130 --> 00:07:24,770
Now, look, Griffin,
you better not breathe a word
172
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:25,990
about what you saw here.
173
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,000
But how can you be
having an affair?
174
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:28,960
What about Babs?
175
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:30,070
That's not your concern.
176
00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:31,310
You didn't see anything.
177
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:33,300
Remember that
or I'll ruin you.
178
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:34,230
Okay, okay, I promise.
179
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,010
I'll be as quiet
as a church mouse.
180
00:07:36,010 --> 00:07:37,950
Hey, Billy, I was
gonna have a party
181
00:07:37,940 --> 00:07:38,840
at the rectory
this evening.
182
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:43,040
Do you like sacramental wine
and mouse Russell Crowe movies?
183
00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:44,520
Oh, boy, do I!
184
00:07:44,510 --> 00:07:46,380
Hey, can my sister come?
185
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:48,310
No! She'd ruin it!
186
00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:52,830
Now, remember,
you keep your mouth shut
187
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:53,690
about what you saw.
188
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,090
Yes, sir, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
189
00:07:57,790 --> 00:07:59,190
Oh, there you are, boys.
190
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,370
Sorry, sweetheart,
I lost track of time.
191
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,630
Right, Peter?
192
00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:06,230
(forced laugh)
193
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:07,640
I'm Peter.
194
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:08,540
Well, let's
eat, huh?
195
00:08:08,540 --> 00:08:10,070
You must be
starving, Peter.
196
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:11,270
What am I,
on trial here?!
197
00:08:11,270 --> 00:08:14,040
Uh, maybe you should just
eat something, Peter.
198
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,940
Go on, put some food
in your mouth.
199
00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:17,020
Y-Y-Yes, sir, I sure will,
200
00:08:17,010 --> 00:08:20,210
Mr. Cooterschmidt...
Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!
201
00:08:21,450 --> 00:08:23,920
Peter, are you
feeling all right?
202
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:24,350
Oh, he's fine.
203
00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:27,120
You know how hungry a man
gets after a day at sea.
204
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:28,520
He eats with porpoise.
205
00:08:28,530 --> 00:08:29,460
Ha-ha! Oop!
206
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:30,320
Peter, for God's sake,
207
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:32,430
you're always
an embarrassment
at the table.
208
00:08:32,430 --> 00:08:34,560
You should've seen him
when we had dinner
209
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:35,690
with Paul McCartney's
ex-wife.
210
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:39,030
He kept playing footsie
with her under the table.
211
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,240
(giggling)
212
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:43,670
(loud thunk)
213
00:08:43,670 --> 00:08:46,000
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry!
214
00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:50,350
Um, hey, guys?
215
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:52,120
Uh, I-I got
a problem.
216
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,420
Um, you know how
Lois has that dad?
Yeah.
217
00:08:54,420 --> 00:08:56,990
Well, we were there
the other night for dinner,
218
00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:59,190
and I caught him cheating
with some bimbo.
219
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:00,450
Oh, my God!
You're kidding!
220
00:09:00,460 --> 00:09:02,200
Anyway, he told me
not to tell anybody,
221
00:09:02,190 --> 00:09:05,320
but I'm having a real hard time
not telling Lois.
222
00:09:05,330 --> 00:09:06,120
How could you not?
223
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:08,590
Peter, once entered into,
marriage is a sacred bond;
224
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,860
an alliance blessed by God
and hallowed by the community.
225
00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:14,230
That's why I'll never opt for
the matrimonial condition.
226
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,480
It wouldn't be fair to
the historical framework
227
00:09:16,470 --> 00:09:17,340
of the institution.
228
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:19,640
But for those who do,
and then turn their back
229
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,210
on its long-standing
convictions? Shame!
230
00:09:22,210 --> 00:09:24,680
This is unwelcome news,
Peter. Very unwelcome.
231
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,180
Yeah, I know, but I
don't know what to do.
232
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:28,910
It's really hard
keeping my mouth shut.
233
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:29,950
Actually, you know
something, Peter,
234
00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:31,680
this, this could be
an opportunity for you.
235
00:09:31,690 --> 00:09:34,020
What do you mean?
Well, Lois's dad
is loaded.
236
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,660
Y-You could probably get him
to pay through the nose
237
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:37,620
to keep your mouth shut.
238
00:09:37,630 --> 00:09:40,000
Yeah, you could really
milk this thing, Peter.
239
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,700
Huh, I never thought of it
like that.
240
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:43,400
Wait a minute.
You're not serious.
241
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,260
That's totally unethical.
242
00:09:44,270 --> 00:09:45,670
Yeah, Brian, no one
cares what you think.
243
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:47,170
Peter, you could
make him your slave!
244
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,230
Oh, man. He'd hate
that even more
245
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,170
than he hates sitcom
two-parters.
246
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:51,970
Tootie, it's 8:29!
247
00:09:51,980 --> 00:09:54,250
Now either try that beer
or dump it down the sink! Wait!
248
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:58,010
Oh! Now, I have to wait a whole
week to find out if she gave in
249
00:09:58,010 --> 00:10:00,350
to peer pressure
at that drinking party!
250
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,620
(door shuts)
251
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:07,790
Carter! Carter, wake up!
252
00:10:07,790 --> 00:10:09,990
(snorts)
It's o--
it's okay, Lois.
253
00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:11,690
Daddy's just taking
your temperature.
254
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:12,870
Wh-What?
255
00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:13,790
Wh-What is it?
256
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,600
I heard a noise
downstairs.
257
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,460
(sighs) I'll go
have a look.
258
00:10:17,470 --> 00:10:18,970
It's probably
just the wine.
259
00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:20,270
The wind, dear.
260
00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:21,130
Is that how you say that?
261
00:10:21,140 --> 00:10:23,650
I've only seen
that word written.
262
00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:30,120
(water splashing)
263
00:10:32,150 --> 00:10:33,310
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
264
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,620
Griffin! What the hell
are you doing in my house?!
265
00:10:35,620 --> 00:10:38,320
Well, I was getting ready
to watch a movie on your big TV,
266
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,820
but first I thought I'd use
your hot bubbly toilet.
267
00:10:40,820 --> 00:10:41,720
That's not a toilet!
268
00:10:41,730 --> 00:10:43,260
Hey, when's it go
down, by the way?
269
00:10:43,260 --> 00:10:44,520
It's just doing a lot
of loop-de-loops.
270
00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:46,170
Get the hell out of there,
you son of a bitch!
271
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,760
Oh, no, no. No, you don't get
to talk to me like that anymore.
272
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:51,310
Not unless you want me to blab
273
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:53,130
about what happened
on the yacht.
274
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:54,600
What are you getting at,
Griffin?
275
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:58,400
That's right, you're gonna start
doing a lot of stuff for me.
276
00:10:58,410 --> 00:10:59,270
Like what?
277
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,010
Well, for starters,
278
00:11:00,010 --> 00:11:01,340
you got more than one limo?
Yeah.
279
00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:03,540
You and me are gonna
do a limo joust.
280
00:11:03,550 --> 00:11:06,150
What the hell is that?
281
00:11:07,450 --> 00:11:08,680
All right, you ready?
282
00:11:08,690 --> 00:11:09,820
I don't want to do this.
283
00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:12,150
Go!
(tires squealing)
284
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,930
(tires squealing)
285
00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:31,210
PETER:
That went exactly
as I wanted it to go.
286
00:11:35,450 --> 00:11:37,150
All right here's
your Mike and Ikes
287
00:11:37,150 --> 00:11:38,250
with all the
Ikes taken out.
288
00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:39,910
I hope you were careful,
'cause I swear to God,
289
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,890
if I find one Ike in there,
I'm going straight to Babs.
290
00:11:42,890 --> 00:11:43,990
It's fine,
I double-checked.
291
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:46,230
Here's your Mikes.
What's next?
292
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:47,490
Next, I want you
to fly to France
293
00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:49,350
and tell French people
that a good-looking,
294
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,490
depressed guy
smoking a cigarette
295
00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,160
is not a movie.
296
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:54,490
(clearing throat)
297
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,340
(over loudspeakers):
People of France,
298
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:58,660
a good-looking, depressed guy
299
00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,470
smoking a cigarette
300
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:01,430
is not a movie,
301
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,810
and your sirens sound like
gay guys having a threesome.
302
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:09,610
(European-style siren blaring)
303
00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:15,120
All right, you got my
catch phrases for me?
304
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,180
I just want you to know
this was a huge pain in the ass.
305
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:20,520
"Peter's new catch phrases,
by Carter Pewterschmidt."
306
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:21,950
Title's all business.
I like that.
307
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,220
Also, I've been under
the weather lately,
308
00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:26,130
so it may not be
my best work.
309
00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:27,930
"Shape up
or show me your balls."
310
00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:29,230
That's good.
311
00:12:29,230 --> 00:12:30,130
Really?
312
00:12:30,130 --> 00:12:31,100
How about this one?
313
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,800
"In your face,
Nancy Grace."
314
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,400
Oh, I love it.
315
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,670
Oh, man, there are a lot
of good ones here.
316
00:12:35,670 --> 00:12:38,540
"Fire alarm?
I am the fire alarm.
317
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,410
"Find your own
beach house, Crabby.
318
00:12:40,410 --> 00:12:43,040
Put that in your
office and frame it."
319
00:12:43,050 --> 00:12:44,220
The last one's
kind of lame.
320
00:12:44,210 --> 00:12:46,380
Did you get down to the one
at the bottom there?
321
00:12:46,380 --> 00:12:46,810
Which one?
322
00:12:46,820 --> 00:12:49,460
"On your mark,
get set, terrible."
No, this one here.
323
00:12:49,450 --> 00:12:51,780
"If you've got a problem,
take it up with my butt.
324
00:12:51,790 --> 00:12:54,020
He's the only one
that gives a crap."
325
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:55,450
Oh, my God, that's it.
Yeah.
326
00:12:55,460 --> 00:12:57,490
That-that's the one.
I thought you'd like...
327
00:12:57,490 --> 00:12:58,490
You are amaz...
328
00:12:58,490 --> 00:12:59,590
LOIS:
Peter, dinner.
329
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,800
Take it up with my butt,
330
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,770
'cause he's the only one
who gives a crap.
331
00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:06,470
LOIS:
Wow, what a great sentence.
332
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,640
You know, Lois, I've
noticed Peter and Carter
333
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,740
spending a lot of time
together lately.
334
00:13:13,740 --> 00:13:16,010
It's nice to see them
finally getting on.
335
00:13:16,010 --> 00:13:17,780
I know. Who would
have thought, huh?
336
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:19,610
PETER:
Boy, I can't wait
to get this home.
337
00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:22,160
You know, I keep not laughing
at The Big Bang Theory,
338
00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:23,920
and I figure it's got
to be the television, you know?
339
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:28,550
TV this size-- forget it, it'll
have me laughing till I got
snots falling out of my nose.
340
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,390
Carter, where are you
taking our television?
341
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:33,120
I'm giving it
to Peter.
342
00:13:33,130 --> 00:13:34,390
What?! Why?
343
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,340
Yeah, why, Carter?
(sighs)
344
00:13:36,330 --> 00:13:37,900
(mechanically):
Because Peter is the best
345
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,730
and he is awesome and he makes
better laser sounds than I do.
346
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:42,670
(makes laser sounds)
347
00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:43,940
Damn right.
You hear that, Lois?
348
00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:44,840
And he's not just saying that
349
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,370
'cause I covered for him
about his affair.
350
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,940
What?
351
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:53,040
Carter, is this true?
352
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:55,680
Yes, it's true.
353
00:13:55,690 --> 00:13:58,730
Oh... Oh, dear!
(cup breaking)
354
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,720
(sobbing)
355
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,420
Well, on your mark,
get set, terrible.
356
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:06,990
(laughing)
357
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,740
No, no, but I-I understand
that this is bad.
358
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,770
You stupid fat bastard!
359
00:14:17,770 --> 00:14:19,470
How could you tell her
I had an affair?!
360
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:19,950
We had a deal!
361
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:23,010
Look, I think you're blowing
this out of proportion, Carter.
362
00:14:23,010 --> 00:14:24,440
She's divorcing me!
363
00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:25,550
Well, I don't blame her.
364
00:14:25,550 --> 00:14:27,810
Daddy, how could you
do this to Mom?
365
00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:29,420
You two were
perfect together.
366
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:30,950
It was such a
close marriage.
367
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:33,350
You know, maybe the two
of you splitting up
368
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:34,130
is a blessing in disguise.
369
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,420
I mean, there are obviously
some problems
370
00:14:36,430 --> 00:14:37,070
in your relationship.
371
00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:39,820
Who knows, maybe some time apart
could be just what you need.
372
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:42,630
Yeah, plus think of all
the fun stuff you can do
373
00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:43,530
as a single guy.
374
00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:44,600
Like-like going to loud,
awful bars
375
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,930
and not being able to heart
the mediocre-looking chick
376
00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:48,510
next to you say
something stupid.
377
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:49,230
It's going to be awesome.
378
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,700
I don't know how to do
anything like that.
379
00:14:51,710 --> 00:14:52,400
It's easy.
380
00:14:52,410 --> 00:14:54,010
I'll help you meet some
women, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
381
00:14:54,010 --> 00:14:56,570
Come on, it's been
50 years since I've
been on a date.
382
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:58,740
Well, how'd you get that chick
on the boat, then?
383
00:14:58,750 --> 00:14:59,940
You know how
in that movie
384
00:14:59,950 --> 00:15:01,880
Liam Neeson gets
his daughter back?
Yeah.
385
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:05,680
Well, that was one of the girls
their dad didn't get back.
386
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,060
What kind of
joint is this?
387
00:15:14,060 --> 00:15:15,130
Where's the
cigarette girl?
388
00:15:15,130 --> 00:15:16,930
Yeah, they don't
have those anymore.
389
00:15:16,930 --> 00:15:18,500
Peter, I don't know
about this.
390
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,970
I have no idea what women
are like nowadays.
391
00:15:20,970 --> 00:15:22,770
Last time I was on
the dating scene,
392
00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:24,540
Joe McCarthy was
on a rampage
393
00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:25,570
looking for anything red.
394
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:27,980
Oh, back then I called
my penis Joe McCarthy.
395
00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:28,920
Look, relax, will ya?
396
00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:30,580
Here, I got these
off a Web site
397
00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:33,610
that tells you good things
to say when hot women walk by.
398
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:34,820
Ooh, here comes a hot one.
399
00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:36,590
Say the first thing
on the list.
400
00:15:36,590 --> 00:15:38,830
Um, I-I love getting
trendy cupcakes
401
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:41,390
in the middle of the
day for no reason.
402
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:42,620
No way. So do I.
403
00:15:42,630 --> 00:15:43,600
Hi. I'm Paula.
404
00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:44,690
Carter. How do you do?
405
00:15:44,690 --> 00:15:46,020
Hey, why don't you
and your friend
406
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:47,730
come join us over
at our table.
407
00:15:47,730 --> 00:15:49,530
Peter Griffin.
How do you do?
408
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:51,030
(sputtering laugh)
409
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,700
We would--
we would love to.
410
00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:57,040
Hey, girls, these are
my two new friends.
411
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,640
Hello, ladies.
My name is Carter,
412
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,570
and I require a tremendous
amount of calcium.
413
00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:02,820
Carter, come here.
414
00:16:02,810 --> 00:16:04,110
Sit next to me.
415
00:16:04,110 --> 00:16:05,710
Oh, this is--
this is fun.
416
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:06,490
We're having fun.
417
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,650
Hey, what do you say
we get some drinks.
418
00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:09,680
Hey, boy, boy,
419
00:16:09,690 --> 00:16:11,090
fetch me a John
Barrymore and soda
420
00:16:11,090 --> 00:16:13,060
and three Myrna Loys
for the women.
421
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:14,130
(women gasp)
422
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:14,750
Excuse me?
423
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,960
What the hell is
your problem, you jerk?
424
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,960
What? Does he belong
to somebody else?
425
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,190
Come on, girls, let's ditch
this racist dick.
426
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,730
What happened?
Did we get laid?
427
00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:27,530
You jackass. Those women
were coming on to you
428
00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:28,480
and you blew it.
429
00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:29,930
Now we got to go
to another club
430
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:30,870
and start all over again.
431
00:16:30,870 --> 00:16:33,700
Peter, I don't want
to go to another club.
432
00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:36,140
I don't want women like that.
433
00:16:36,150 --> 00:16:38,920
I... I want Babs.
434
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:39,720
Babs?
435
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,590
You got a room full
of chicks like that
436
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:42,750
and you're thinking
about Babs?
437
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:43,880
She looks like someone
farted in a shoe.
438
00:16:43,890 --> 00:16:48,660
I had a moment of weakness, but
I-I know now that I was wrong.
439
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:50,690
I need her, Peter.
440
00:16:50,690 --> 00:16:51,290
I love her.
441
00:16:51,290 --> 00:16:53,160
You-you got to help me
get her back.
442
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,130
Well, it's probably
the right move anyway.
443
00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:56,490
Those girls seemed
kind of annoying.
444
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,700
Look at them over there
taking a group picture together.
445
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,130
I love you!
446
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:02,040
I love you!
447
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,070
We're all such good friends!
448
00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:06,970
You can tell by the way we're
pressing our faces together.
449
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,810
And that's where
fat girls come from.
450
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,610
All right, if I've learned
anything from romantic comedies
451
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:18,980
it's that the ex-wife
always falls in love
with her husband again
452
00:17:18,990 --> 00:17:20,950
after he befriends
a little kid.
453
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:21,600
Okay.
454
00:17:21,590 --> 00:17:23,150
And the kid needs
to be really cute.
455
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,660
So I ordered
Jonathan Lipnicki.
(doorbell ringing)
456
00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,930
Ah, there's the cute
little guy now.
457
00:17:27,930 --> 00:17:29,260
Hang on.
458
00:17:29,270 --> 00:17:29,970
(door opening)
459
00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:31,670
Oh, my God!
What happened to you!
460
00:17:31,670 --> 00:17:34,980
Oh! Oh! We-we got to
get you to the hospital!
461
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,670
Aah! Aah! You're hideous!
462
00:17:36,670 --> 00:17:37,840
Who did this to you?!
463
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,000
Oh, oh, where are my keys?
464
00:17:39,010 --> 00:17:40,940
Where's my keys?!
Where are my keys?!
465
00:17:40,940 --> 00:17:41,870
Peter, what about Babs?
466
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,880
Forget about yourself
for a second, Carter.
467
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,010
Look what has happened
to Jonathan Lipnicki.
468
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:47,890
Oh, yeah.
469
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,010
No, you're,
you're, you're right.
470
00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:50,520
You should probably
take care of that.
471
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,120
I'll-I'll-I'll
be-- I'll be here.
472
00:17:54,790 --> 00:17:55,820
All right, look, Carter,
473
00:17:55,830 --> 00:17:57,430
I think this will
definitely work.
474
00:17:57,430 --> 00:17:58,730
Now as soon as she sees you,
475
00:17:58,730 --> 00:17:59,890
you've got to do
exactly what I...
476
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:02,900
Hey, whose Duesenberg is that
parked in the driveway?
477
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,670
There's only one man I know
who drives a Duesenberg.
478
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:14,270
ล And I will buy you
laudanum and rhubarb cakes ล
479
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:21,120
ล To balance out your
fragile body's humours. ล
480
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,760
Oh, Babs, I don't
wish to overwhelm you
481
00:18:23,750 --> 00:18:26,550
with my passions,
but I must say this.
482
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,030
I'm ever so content.
483
00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:30,590
Oh, I am too, Rodginald.
484
00:18:30,590 --> 00:18:31,790
Do you think
perhaps one day,
485
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:35,460
if we should marry, that
I could sit beside you?
486
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:37,760
Yes, I think
that would be fine.
487
00:18:37,770 --> 00:18:40,170
Get away from my wife,
you rascal!
488
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:43,070
Oh, such language
in the presence of a lady.
489
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:45,800
If it's a row you want,
I will cleave you in twixt!
490
00:18:45,810 --> 00:18:49,840
Hang-hang on, Carter,
I think I know how to
take this guy down.
491
00:18:49,850 --> 00:18:50,990
Penis.
492
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:52,040
(gasps)
493
00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:54,910
Carter, get out of here
this instant!
494
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,290
I don't ever want
to see you again.
495
00:18:57,290 --> 00:18:58,260
Pussycup, please.
496
00:18:58,250 --> 00:19:02,090
Mrs. Pewterschmidt,
Carter has something
important to say to you.
497
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,020
I'll set the mood.
498
00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:08,970
(singing romantically):
ล B-B-Bird, bird, bird ล
499
00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:10,870
ล B-Bird's the word ล
500
00:19:10,870 --> 00:19:14,280
ล B-B-Bird, bird, bird ล
501
00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:16,070
ล B-Bird's the word ล
502
00:19:16,070 --> 00:19:21,370
ล Well, uh, don't you
know about the bird? ล
503
00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:27,420
ล Well, everybody knows
that the bird is the word. ล
504
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,890
Uh, Peter, I kind of want
to do this on my own.
505
00:19:30,890 --> 00:19:32,990
Babs, I need you.
506
00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:36,790
Cheating on you was the
worst mistake of my life.
507
00:19:36,790 --> 00:19:39,820
I kneel before you
a frightened soul
508
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:40,730
and a broken man.
509
00:19:40,730 --> 00:19:43,160
A man who has nothing
without you.
510
00:19:43,170 --> 00:19:44,210
Give me one more chance,
511
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:48,100
and I pledge to place above you
nothing-- not even myself--
512
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:52,570
for all my time here,
and for time forever.
513
00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:55,220
Please, I beg you.
514
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,810
Carter, what you did
was unforgivable.
515
00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:01,960
And as beautiful
as your words are,
516
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:06,020
I... I just don't know
that they can fix what's done.
517
00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:08,290
I know I can't
do it overnight,
518
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:11,220
but we can still have
a lot of years together.
519
00:20:11,230 --> 00:20:13,800
Please, just let me try.
520
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:18,310
Carter, you had sex
with that woman.
521
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,870
So, no, I can't trust you.
522
00:20:20,870 --> 00:20:25,170
But at my age, I'm certainly
not going to remarry either.
523
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:28,310
So, if you'd like
to move back in
524
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:32,040
and take things slowly
one step at a time,
525
00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:34,780
I suppose I can
give you the chance
526
00:20:34,780 --> 00:20:36,150
to earn my trust again.
527
00:20:36,150 --> 00:20:37,850
That sounds like a lot
of work. Go to hell!
528
00:20:37,850 --> 00:20:40,120
Carter, what-what-what-
what are we here for?
529
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:41,150
What are we here for?
530
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,300
All right, all right, fine.
531
00:20:42,290 --> 00:20:46,260
I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna try.
532
00:20:51,230 --> 00:20:53,330
Come here, you.
533
00:21:02,810 --> 00:21:05,940
Hey look, I found
a genie's lamp.
534
00:21:05,950 --> 00:21:06,910
PETER:
Oh, no?
535
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,090
Okay, maybe next week. 46268
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