All language subtitles for The.Kominsky.Method.S01E05.1080p.BluRay.x265-KONTRAST

h

ht

htt

http

http:

http:/

http://

http://h

http://hi

http://hiq

http://hiqv

http://hiqve

http://hiqve.

http://hiqve.c

http://hiqve.co

http://hiqve.com

http://hiqve.com/

http://hiqve.com/

God.

- Dr. Wexler.
- Hey!

I hope I didn't wake you.

No, no, not at all.
What is up?

Uh, I've got good news
and less good news.

Okay, uh...

Let's start
with the less good news.

Pick again.

- The good news.
- Ah!

The good news is you don't have
to worry about cancer.

Great!

Oh, that's, uh, that's great!

Thanks, doc.

Uh, and the less good news?

We did find a couple
of slow-moving

cancer cells in the biopsy.

Wait.
So I do have prostate cancer?

Technically, yes.

But, uh, you don't have
to worry about it.

I mean, we gotta
keep our eye on it,

but frankly, at your age,

somethin' else in your body
is gonna kill you

before your prostate does.

I'm confused.

Is this a cause for celebration?

Well, it's a little early
in the morning,

but sure, maybe a mimosa.

- Yeah, baby!
- What?

What?

Uh, h-hang on, Doc.

Norman, can I call you back?

I-I think I made a mistake
throwing Phoebe out.

No, you didn't. Listen,
I finally got the urologist

on the other line.

Wexler? Tell him I hope he gets
his index finger

caught in a wood chipper.

Will do.

Listen, I'm,
I'm, I'm really worried.

J-just hang on.

Sorry. So what do I do
about the constant peeing?

It's still me.

Oh, shit.

What do I do
about the constant peeing?

Ah, well, I'll, I'll write you
up a prescription

for an alpha-blocker
that'll increase the flow.

That sounds good.
Side effects?

Well, the one that most guys
complain about

is called
retrograde ejaculation.

Which is...

When you orgasm,

instead of the sperm
comin' out of your penis

it shoots back
into your bladder.

You're fucking kidding me.

I shit you not.

But it's no big deal.

It makes for a nice tidy
blow job.

Jeez, I don't know. I mean,
the mess is half the fun.

- Suit yourself.
- Ah. Screw it.

- Call it in to my pharmacy.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll call it in for you.
Have a nice day.

"Have a nice day?" You just
told me I've got cancer.

Yeah, but you've got
the nice kind.

Bye-bye!

Well, you just can't sit around
here and worry.

Sure, I can. I'm actually
very good at it.

Maybe you should think
about going back to work.

It's better that I worry
there?

You know, I sat holding my phone
for 20 minutes.

I'm sorry. I, I just forgot.

Yeah? Well, that happens at
your age. What did Wexler say?

Uh, he said I'm, uh, fine.
Clean bill of health.

More importantly, what do you
wanna do about Phoebe?

Well, now Eileen's suggesting
that I give it some time.

Maybe go back to work.

Eileen? Oh, Norman,
Norman, you're just...

You're, you're freakin' me out.

I like to believe
she's still looking after me.

What's the harm in that?

I guess there isn't any.

Your daughter told me
she hears you

in the bathroom talking
to your genitals.

So which one of us is crazy?

Okay! All right! Okay!

I'm, I'm not judging!

When was the last time
you were in the office?

Oh...

It's gotta be... two years.

Two years?

No wonder I don't get any
auditions!

Hey, I still submit you
for everything.

You don't work because you're
a renowned acting coach

and y-you intimidate
other actors.

- That is such bullshit.
- Honest to God.

I hear it from casting directors
all the time.

Really?

Why would I lie
about something like that?

Okay. Well, thanks.

You're welcome.

Are we still on for dinner
tonight?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Bye.

God bless him,
I think he bought it.

Lying bald-headed fuck.

Slow-moving cancer?

Show me a guy
with slow-moving cancer.

I'll show you a guy
with cancer.

Look at these people.

Happy, clueless.

Taking their assholes
for granted.

Here's my future.

Except I'll be alone and have
to pay some poor Haitian lady

to push the wheelchair
and change my diaper.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

- Hey, Min.
- Hey.

You have a class in five minutes.
Where are you?

Oh, shit. I totally spaced.

Can you cover that for me?

I guess, sure. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I just lost track of time.

Did you get your biopsy
results?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Everything is...

good, not to worry.

- For real?
- He's staring at us.

For real.

- Oh, for God's sakes.
- What?

This woman in the playground,
she thinks I'm a pedophile.

- What?
- I gotta go.

Thanks for covering for me.

Excuse me, ladies!

I'm not a pervert.

I'm an actor.

- Mr. Newlander.
- Hello, Carol.

I didn't know you were
coming in.

Yeah, neither did I.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you, dear.

He's here.

- Mr. Newlander.
- Hi.

- Hi, Mr. Newlander.
- Morning.

- Hello, Mr. Newlander.
- Good morning, good morning.

Hello.

Hi, Mr. Newlander.

Great to have you back,
Norman.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, sir.

Oh! Norman!
It's so good to see you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Nice to see you.

- Hi, Mr. Newlander.
- Hi. Hi.

- Hi, Mr. Newlander.
- Ladies.

Oh, hi.

- Norman.
- Hi, Jeanine.

Come here.

Oh-ho, we're hugging!

I didn't expect to see you
so soon.

I thought you'd take some
more time.

No, it's better I go back
to work.

Well, sure.
I understand that.

Keep your mind active.

Exactly.

My grandpa does the New York Times
crossword puzzle every day.

Sounds like a terrific guy.

He also takes a salsa class.

Wow, great.

- Uh, do me a favor.
- Anything.

Let's ask all the senior agents

to meet me in the conference room
in ten minutes.

You got it.

- Earl Grey, little honey?
- Yeah, please.

I am so delighted
that you're back.

Give it time.
The feeling will pass.

The first time I saw
my stepmother's pussy

was in a magazine.

It was right in the crease.

There was a staple on it.

Sherilynn was a Penthouse
Pet of the Month

and a heroin addict.

My dad wanted me to call her
"Mommy."

- Can you believe...
- Shh!

I remember
it was my ninth birthday.

He took us to Universal Studios.

It was a great day.

We went on the Wild West ride,
The A-Team ride.

We had pizza and ice cream.

But the highlight of the day was

when we went on a tram ride

and the shark from Jaws
came bursting out of the water.

Sherilynn screamed...

and emptied her bladder

all over my stuffed
Woody Woodpecker.

What's happening?

Sandy's MIA. She's doin'
her one-woman show.

Now, you'd think that would've
been the end of our excursion,

but Sherilynn was the type
of woman

who always had spare panties
with her wherever she went.

Now, file this under information
you don't need or want,

but she sold the dirty ones
to Japanese businessmen.

Which is why Sandy Kominsky

has an export license
for bio-waste.

Wow, these are beautiful.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

A little Mexican lady

on the freeway off-ramp
was selling 'em.

I also got you a bag
of oranges in the car.

Oh, very thoughtful.
Thank you.

- Want some coffee?
- Uh, no, thanks.

I got a long drive back, and,
you know, I got this, um...

Oh, yeah, I know.

How, uh, how is that,
by the way?

Great. Great.
The doc says I'm gonna be fine.

No surgery.

Maybe some meds.

- Nothing to worry about.
- That's wonderful.

Oh! What a relief, Sandy.
Great.

Yeah, tell me about it.

So...

So...

You said you wanted to talk.

You drove all the way out here.

It's, it's your move, buddy.

Okay, right. My move.

Um...

Okay, here it is.

I think you and I are
really good together

and that we should consider
taking this relationship,

uh, to another level.

I see.

So, uh, so, we would go

from being friends to, uh,
to what?

- Friends with benefits?
- No, I hate that term.

- Let's say lovers.
- No! Please, no, let's not.

- Why, what's wrong with lovers?
- I don't know.

It's just, it's,

it's like it's from another decade,
uh, maybe century.

I happen to think
it's a fine word.

Okay, all right,
well, forgetting for the moment

what we call it, um...

can I ask what caused
this change of heart?

- What do you mean?
- Don't be coy. Come on.

You've been playin' it
pretty cool there, mister,

and now, all of a sudden,
I'm gettin' flowers

and oranges from my lover.

- All right. I, I hear it now.
- Yeah? Okay, good.

Look, it's pretty simple.

Between Eileen dying
and my recent health scare,

my perspective has changed

regarding my feelings
towards you.

Wow.

You have got some big,
brass balls.

- In a good way?
- No.

No. You're not here
'cause you're crazy about me.

You're here
'cause you don't wanna

walk the Green Mile
all by yourself.

- "The Green Mile?"
- Yeah.

You know, Tom Hanks,
the big guy with the mouse.

- You know what I mean.
- Hang on.

I did say we were good
together.

Oh, hot, yeah.

And you and I both know

that being crazy about someone

doesn't last.

It's just happy brain juice
that tricks you

into not getting a prenup.

Twice.

Ouch.

I mean,
are you crazy about me?

You amuse me.

I'll take it.

Listen.

I'm a big fan
of the crazy stuff,

but at the end of the day

I would rather be with somebody
that I truly, really like.

Goddammit.

Come on.

I am probably gonna
regret this.

There's a 50-50 chance
that nothing will happen,

so maybe not.

If my daughter calls,
pull me out of the meeting,

pull me out of the toilet,
pull me out of anywhere.

Got it.
How's she doing, by the way?

- You saw her at the funeral?
- I did.

Sorry. Stupid question.

Look at that. No one talks
to each other anymore.

They're talking.

Just to people who are
elsewhere.

That's not talking.
Talking is with your voice.

Eye contact, body language,
maybe a gesture, touch.

Oh, there's no touching
these days.

Don't touch anybody.

Okay. Wow.

Look at everyone wearing black.

Feels like another funeral.

Too soon?

All right.

Before we start,
I want to thank all of you

for your e-get well cards
and your e-condolence cards.

Very thoughtful and,
I suppose, very easy.

Norman, did your wife get the
basket of vegan muffins I sent?

Uh, yes, Andrew,
I believe she did. Thank you.

They're supposed to be,
like, super healthy.

My wife died, Andrew.

Not the muffins' fault.

Uh, I've also been watching
the quarterly numbers

and want to congratulate
you on your good work.

Congratulations to you, Norman.

You built a great team.

Everyone here
is pulling their weight.

Nice to know.

They just required a little bit

of guidance.

Sure, and thank you for that.

Oh, no need.

My job is to lighten your load.

Much appreciated.

You've got enough
on your plate, right?

I don't know. I suppose.

In fact, you need
to take some more time

to grieve or heal,
just say the words...

Oh, for God's sake, Richard,

take your head out of his ass
so we can have a meeting.

My head is not in his ass.

Actually, Richard,
you're crowning.

You're pretty pleased
with yourself.

Aren't you?

Yeah. I kinda am.

I, uh...

I don't wanna diminish
your efforts, but, uh...

did what just happen
require any...

pharmaceutical help?

No. Nope.

Unless you count 20 milligrams
of Crestor,

ten milligrams of Claritin,

half a mill of Flomax,
three grams of acetaminophen,

one baby aspirin, and a smear
of hydrocortisone cream

on my left and right
shin bones.

- That is some list.
- Oh, no, no.

- I'm not done.
- Oh, shoot.

I also take omega-3
fatty acids, calcium,

vitamins A, C, D, E, and B12,

melatonin, CoQ-10,
magnesium, potassium,

and liquid glucosamine.

Jesus. Is that it?

Yeah. Oh, also Cialis.

You fucker!

And the most exciting news,

we were able
to negotiate packages

for Crackle, Twitch, Vevo,
PlayStation

and Hulu Plus.

That is exciting.

- You'll tell me later.
- Of course.

All right. Before we break this up,
I want to ask a favor.

My friend Sandy Kominsky
hasn't worked in a while,

and I would like
to rectify that.

A guest spot on a sitcom,
a commercial,

whatever you can find.

- The acting coach guy?
- Yes.

- You'll tell me later.
- Of course.

Liam Neeson is making a fortune

with these old guy
revenge movies.

Why not me?

I mean, he's not even
that old.

- Whereas you...
- Have one foot in the grave.

Which brings me...

to this.

One Foot in the Grave,
by Elliott Gould.

Catchy, right?

Here's the elevator pitch.

A retired CIA agent

takes his grandchildren
to Disneyland,

where, unbeknownst to him,
his former enemies lie in wait.

Don't tell me.
They kidnap the grandchildren.

And I get them back
with extreme prejudice.

Okay, just so I'm clear,
your goal is

to become an action star?

Well, yeah. Why not?

I mean, we'll use
a stunt double

for the kicking, punching,
running, staircases.

- Smart.
- It gets better.

We sell the project to Disney,

shoot the whole thing
in the park, use the rides.

Maybe Mickey and Goofy
get involved somehow.

Fuck up some bad guys.

- Hah!
- Well, what do you think?

- I like it.
- Really?

I, I would go see that film.

That's why I love you.

Of course, if Disney passes,
we shoot it at Magic Mountain

and they can kiss our ass
come awards time.

So you think
this is awards material?

Did I mention that my character
is suffering from dementia?

- Oh, God.
- That's right.

He forgets almost everything...

except justice.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Sandy, you know Elliott,
right?

Oh, sure. Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

Hope you don't mind.
I invited him to join us.

What, are you kidding?
This is an honor.

Hello, Alex. Can I get my
regular Jack with a Dr. Pepper?

So, um...

How do you two know
each other?

Let's see. When did we start
working together?

I worked.
You took ten percent.

It was right after
I got my Oscar nomination

for Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.

So right after he peaked.

By the way, I think I got you
a national commercial.

That's great! What's it for?

What do you care?

You're right. I don't.

Boy, I'm havin' a good day.

My prostate's not gonna kill me,

my dick's still working,
and I got a job.

That's the geriatric hat trick.

Why don't you ever get me
a national commercial?

Because you're a legend,
you're an icon.

I don't wanna ever sully that.

He's so full of shit.

I believe that's 90 percent
of his body weight.

What is, uh,
One Foot in the Grave?

A printing press
for million-dollar bills.

Any parts in there
for a guy my age?

No.

Boy, things are getting tough
these days.

All those wonderful plans
you had for your retirement

seem more and more
to feel like wishful thinking.

Hi, I'm Sandy Kominsky,
and I'm here

to tell you that it doesn't have
to be that way.

If you're 62 years or older,

you can access the equity
in your home

to take back control
of your life.

You still own your home,

but you have no
mortgage payments

and plenty of ready cash

to do the things
you've always dreamed of.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking
this is too good to be true.

That it's just another scam,

a way for the banks
to foreclose on the elderly

and take their homes away.

Well, let me put your minds
to rest.

No, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm just...

I'm a little uncomfortable
here with this copy.

Cut.

What's the problem?

Well, there's no problem,
really, except, uh,

that I did a little bit
of research

and it's not entirely true,
you know?

They can foreclose on people
for all sorts of reasons.

I mean, even minor stuff
like not...

not mowing your fucking lawn.

Okay, I-I don't know
what to tell you, Sandy.

The copy's the copy.

I'm not in a position
to change anything, so...

You sure?
Y-you can't make a call?

Like maybe we add some kind
of warning

like those drug ads do,
you know?

"Reverse mortgages may cause you
to live with your children."

Oh, shit. Hang on.

Let me, let me just...

Hey, Norman, can I call you back?
I'm shooting...

Oh, jeez.
I-is she gonna be alright?

All right. What hospital?

I'm on my way.
Yeah, I'm leaving right now.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.
My friend's daughter just OD'd.

Oh, that's terrible. We're not
done with the spot yet.

Yeah, but you know what?
I'm finished.

I can't do this and look
at myself in the mirror.

Are you actually leaving?
Are you kidding me?

Jerry's Deli
is just down the street.

I'm sure you can find
some desperate old actor there

who'd be very happy to do this.

Norman?

This can't keep happening.

Let's just thank God
they found her

before it was too late.

You know where they found her?

Passed out in Corbin Bernsen's
koi pond.

Oh, Jesus.

Are she and Corbin, uh...

No, no. Apparently,
she was stalking him.

I don't know why,
but I'm relieved.

You wanna guess
how many times she's been

rushed to the hospital
to have her stomach pumped?

- No, I don't.
- As of today, three.

All right. All right.

So this,
this one is the charm.

Boy, things are getting tough
these days.

All those wonderful plans
you had for your retirement

seem more and more
to feel like wishful thinking.

Hi. I'm Elliott Gould,

and I'm here to tell you
that it doesn't have

to be that way.

If you're 62 years or older,

you can access the equity
in your home

to take back control
of your life.

You still own your home,

but you have no
mortgage payments

and plenty of ready cash
to do the things

you've always dreamed of.

Now, I know what you're
thinking.

You're thinking that this
is too good to be true,

that it's just another scam,

a way for banks to foreclose
on the elderly

and take their homes away.

Well, let me put your mind
to rest.

http://hiqve.com/