All language subtitles for Le diable et les dix commandements.1962.FRE.1080p.BluRay

I put it in three boxes,
so the lettuces won't get squashed.

Alright?

- Depends on the price.
- The best, as usual!

Even so, it's still too much.

Take it up with your boss upstairs.
He makes the vegetables grow.

This year he was rather stingy.

The less there is,
the higher the price, sister.

I'll put it on your account.

Next week, we'd like
some nice asparagus.

Well, it's a nice life
up in their the convent!

The bishop is coming to visit.

It's the convent's anniversary.

That's enough, sisters!

No cheap stuff for the bishop, eh?!

Don't move, sister Marie.

I'll open that friggin' gate for you.

Chambard, that's enough!

Wait a minute, sister.
Don't you get upset.

What the fuck?!
God-all-friggin'-mighty!

Mr chambard, if you
blaspheme again like that...

I'll have to report it
to the mother superior.

What was that, sister?

Don't play deaf!

Do you want to go home
to your daughter-in-law?

But sister...

Don't get mad because of
that goddamned gate!

I gotta say...

It's running now,
like a pissing cow!

Thank you, that's wonderful,
mr chambard.

Need me for anything else?

There's still the tap over there.

Let's take a look at it, then,
since I'm here.

I'm a real Jack-of-all-trades
around the house.

That's what my bitch
of a daughter-in-law says.

I have to do everything for her.

Plumbing, cooking, carpentry...

And to think that I gave my son
to that slut.

Oh, mr chambard!

They don't make men
like me anymore.

My wife lost out when she died.

What does your son do?

He beats his wife... non-stop.

My daughter-in-law's
like your dirty laundry...

You have to beat it
to make it clean.

What are you on about mr chambard?
Aren't you finished yet?

In a minute, sister. In a minute.

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

Get out of here!
I don't want to hear you again.

This is a religious community,
mr chambard.

We can no longer tolerate
your sacrilegious attitude.

What have I done?

It's the way you utter the lord's name
at the slightest occasion.

It's a very serious offense...

And will lead to eternal damnation.

God almighty, I'm not even dead yet,
mother!

Get out, mr chambard!

Mother, I'll be hanged
if I understand why.

You can't deny that just now
you violated the 2nd commandment?

Me... violate?

As they say "better to hear it
than be deaf."

"Thou shalt not take
the name of the lord in vain."

Yeah, yeah, I know.

- Do not swear with god's name.
- I understood..

Well then, mr chambard.
“Well what?

When you're angry or happy,
impatient or in a bad mood...

You always say...

You mean "god almighty"?

Yes, mr chambard.

It will be taken into account
at the last judgment.

But reverend mother,
it's just something I say...

I don't even think about it;
It's just a habit.

You have to get rid of this habit.
Or else you'll have to leave.

But where can I go, at my age?

I like it here.

Oh, god almight...

- Mr chambard!
- Oh shitl... oh...

You see? I'm not even aware of it!

- Dominus vobiscum.
- Et cum spiritu tuo.

Darn it!

The bishop's name is trousselier.

Hector trousselier,
a childhood friend.

We were at school together.

Hey, Hector!

Hector, Hector! It's me, chambard!

- Mr chambard!
- Well, how about that! It's Jerome!

You see? How are things?

No, reverend mother. Let him be.

- Jerome is an old friend.
- See?

Even in this getup,
you haven't changed.

And how are you chambard?

As exuberant as ever?

This way, your excellency.

Excuse me, I'm dining
with the dear sisters.

Can't I come too?

Your excellency...
Our rules don't allow...

I know, but...

For this once, I'll fix it
with the good lord.

Come along.

Benedicat dextera christi.

Hey, can you believe this?!

We had some good times, eh?

If mrs fourmant could see us now!
Do you remember? The teacher?

Oh yes!

You do?!

May god forgive us for all
the wicked pranks we played on her!

Like the one with the corpse?

- The one with... no.
- Yes, you must.

When you didn't know your lesson...

We stuffed grass up our noses
to make them bleed.

In the end, your nose
was as red as an eggplant.

Yes that is certainly true.
We were a stupid lot.

And one day, covered in blood
I tumbled down the stairs...

To scare her, I played
the stiff and you yelled...

"He's dead! He's dead!"

Mrs fourmant fainted dead away.

Oh, go...

The young are terrible.

We really were a pair
of little shits.

And do you remember therese?

Therese?

Oh yes...!

The little laundry-maid
with the long hair.

We'd wait outside her shop
for her, after school.

She must have been, what...
Twelve, thirteen?

She liked you best.

Yes, it's a lovely memory.

Hear that, mother?

If you'd known him
back in the day...!

Tell me...
Do you remember your father?

Of course, I remember my father.

He used to say to you...
"You'll finish up on the scaffold!"

Boy, we had some good times!

Who would of thought when I knew you,
that skinny priest-to-be, back in 1913.

Thin as a bean-pole, mother.

What I most remember...

Is the belting we both got!

We lived in the same building...

And we were
an inseparable pair of rascals.

That's right!

One belting?
I had lots of them...

What about my uncle clement's donkey?

Yes, I remember!

We got it drunk,
and it bellowed like...

Like a donkey!

Then it ran into mrs mangenet's shop
and smashed up everything!

Yes, exactly! I can still see it...
There was this basket of eggs...

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

As you might say.

As I might not say, chambard.

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

Come now, chambard,
we aren't in the barracks.

I'm sorry,
but god-all-friggin'-mighty...

I was just so glad to see you.

It was a lovely surprise, I realise.

But you have to consider
the pure, devout ears that are listening,

and how the sacrilege
hurts them.

I'm sorry to say mr chambard
will just have to go.

Oh no, reverend mother...

Chambard doesn't mean any harm,
does he?

- You know me, Hector!
- Yes, of course, Jerome.

That's why I instruct you to go to
confession, ask god for forgiveness...

And make a resolution that from now on
you'll follow the ten commandments.

Does mr chambard know them?

I have no memory. At school
you had to whisper to me.

Your memory is excellent,
as you've just shown us.

Reverend mother,
do you have a catechism?

Jerome, my friend...

Lo commemorate this beautiful day
in a pious way...

I urge you, as your friend
and also as a bishop...

To learn the 10 commandments
by heart.

That is the penance I impose on you.

When you're ready,
you can come and recite them to me.

I don't have the latest one.
This is an old one.

That doesn't matter,
reverend mother.

Here you are.

I'm happy, by meeting you again,
to be able to help save your soul.

Thank you, your grace.

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

Empty-headed fool!

Every time you open this book,
I'll let loose the four winds...

And you'll never learn
the 10 commandments.

This is the devil telling you...

And when the devil says something,
it's the gospel truth.

The 10 commandments
are weapons against me.

I have my own.

Lust, flesh, women... whatever.

You will not commit the impurity...
As they say...

Of the big one. The what is it...?
The ultimate one.

Not half!
Woman is the domestic agent of Hades.

With her eyes, her mouth,
her legs, et cetera...

I've made her expressly
to bring man undone.

And now for the splendor
of the tropical night...

The provocative Amaya
from bahia.

- I'd like to speak to the boss.
- Through there, sir.

- Madam, I'd like to speak to the boss.
- What about?

It's a personal matter

in the basement...
The door at the end of the hall.

Knock before entering.

You've been winning for over 2 years.
Why would you want to change?

You know my aunt?

She died.

Come in! What from?

Pneumonia.

I must say, that in the middle
of the cancer boom, it's not much.

She's dead and I don't wanna dance
while I've lost a relative.

It doesn't look right.

The door's right behind you.

This is the way France lost indochina.

What do you want?

It's about miss Tania.

- So?
- She hasn't done her number.

She's finished her contract.

I'm a great admirer.

Might I get her address?

Excuse me, miss...

Are you the widow from earlier?

- Why?
- Do you know miss Tania?

- Of course.
- Do you know where she might be?

No.

Might you know her address?

- I have an urgent message.
- Really urgent?

Shall we tell him?

7 Emile augier boulevard.

- In the 16th?
- Yeah.

Miss Tania.

The dancer.

Yes, she lives here.

I know, but on which floor?

No, "here" means here.

Come in.

Shall I close the door?

Isn't she here?

No, on her way.
She won't be long.

Have a seat.

What do you want
to see her about?

I just want to see her
to talk to her.

Oh, excuse me... my hat.

What business are you in?

You wouldn't be an impresario?

Why?

Why else would you
want to see my wife?

No, its not your wife
I want to see, it's miss Tania.

Yes. Tania's name is mauricette,
and mauricette is my wife.

And I'm Paulo.

Paulo, husband of mauricette.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

So are you an impresario?

Me? Yes.

You're in luck.

We just finished at the mystifique,
and didn't know where to go.

Well then...
Can I offer you a coffee?

- I don't want to be a bother.
- Not at all! Come this way.

Make yourself at home, come on!

- Pardon the mess.
- Don't worry.

Take a seat.

A nice little hot coffee!

It can be tricky in in this business
when times are tough.

Careful, it's hot.

We were offered a tour
of the far east.

Yes, the 1001 nights of scheherazade...

You don't know
if you'll get back or not.

There are harems.

Oh yes...

So, you've seen my wife
doing her number?

I've seen it 27 times.

What do you think of it...
From an artistic point of view?

Oh, she's unforgettable.

- Really?
- Fantastic.

- Really?
- She's a knockout.

Really?

Well, she's not bad...

No, she's the most beautiful there.

You really think so?

She's the most beautiful.
When she appears, it's...

She's Greece arisen...
She's Olympus.

Olympus?

At first, you know,
the scene is in the dark.

- They turn off when she comes on?
- Yes, at first.

The spotlights train on
to her long blonde hair.

She's blonde?

Like the dawn of time.

Looks like a nebula.

A sort of... a holy fount.

It's chartres at sunset.

Chartres?

The first time I saw her,
I remember it, it made me...

I can't tell you...

Really?

She walks into the light...
Erect, serious, majestic.

It's Joan of arc
going up to the stake.

Joan of arc...!

I'm sorry...

But you seem rather stunned.

It's as if you'd never seen
Tania's number.

No, neither the last one,
nor any of the others.

I have other things to do.

I have to mind the concierge lodge.

There's lots to do
in these buildings.

It's worse at night.

The tenants who come home
at 3 or 4 in the morning.

The bourgeois are the weird ones.

When mauricette comes home, I sleep,
then I make envelopes.

It doesn't pay much,
but neither did choreography.

But it helps.

Anyway, we got
as far as chartres.

Oh yes...

Then, the stage goes red...

There's a gregorian chant,
with a hot arrangement.

Then there's the exultation...

Tania takes off her bra,
throws it across the room...

And falls on her knees,
buried under her golden hair...

Fresh as a virgin spring,
as the smile of a child.

The others, beside her,
are just naked women.

I never would have believed it.

But all in all,
you thought it was good?

Unforgettable.
And something rarer, distinguished.

- You're talking about mauricette?
- Yes, about Tania.

Excuse me.

Talk about a circus

I waited for a quarter of an hour
to hear "there's no more herring."

So, I got some COD.

You're coughing.
You should wear your pullover.

There's someone to see you.

Sir?

He's an impresario.

I met the Finns from the 5th floor,
they're screaming.

They're freezing.
Go check the boiler.

Alright, I'll go. Excuse me.

People have foul mouths.

I said to the old woman...
"Your whiting aren't fresh."

And she says...
"How fresh is your arse?"

But, ,,

you aren't blonde.

And you aren't an impresario.
I recognised you.

You're the regular at table 8.

You came to see me?

Yes, it was for you.

Why did you tell my husband
you were an impresario?

That was his idea.

Oh, and it's him
who gave you coffee?

He doesn't know how to live.

Wait, I'll offer you a cherry Brandy.

A tour I did...

No, I was just passing by.
I have to go.

Don't be silly!

- Hello, mr Arthur.
- Hello mr Paulo.

Tell me something... my wife...
How do you find her?

What a question!

Is something wrong?

No, nothing.

So, did you like my number
that much?!

Sit down.
Have you seen me at 'la lauriette'?

No, I haven't.

I played 'la dame aux camelias'.

Imagine...! All I had on was a hankie
and a camellia!

Just the accessories. No music.

So, were you singing?

No... I was coughing!

You see, I was playing the character.

At the 'mystifique', it wouldn't work,
too provincial.

12 sessions a day.

Would you believe, my husband's
never come to see my act?

He's never even looked
at the photos.

Would you believe he threw them
on top of the wardrobe?!

It's the daily grind that's killing
at the "mystifique'.

There's nothing very naughty.

I'm working up a really daring number.
Would you like to see it?

My dear lady,
you must excuse me...!

It'll really blow you away!

I simply don't have the time!

Don't leave without seeing it.
That'd be criminal!

I replaced the religious music
with a twist.

To make it young.

It's called "the malicious snail".

It's got rhythm, eh?

When I come in the light is green,
to make it feel like country.

I have a skin Jersey,
snail of course.

And then horns.

The light changes, and poof!
I throw away the horns!

Sounds like a joke, right?

At this moment,
I take off my top.

Instead of a bra,
I have 2 shells.

Snail shells of course.
That's the stroke of genius!

Bloody hell...!

I uncover one. Poof! I cover it again.

I uncover the other
and cover it again..

And poofl... I throw them away!

Now it's the legs' turn...

A pause for my fans...

And poof! I toss away the lot!

There's just one shell left.

A little snail-shell!

What do you think of that?!

My goodness...! It's original,
it's dynamic, very unusual.

- I really must be going.
- We mustn't hold him back.

No, tell him to stay for lunch.
We'll talk about my plans.

Good bye, sir.
Thanks, and all the best.

It looks great. Do it for me.

- What?
- Chartres at sunset.

This time, for real! Go on!

Wait a moment.

The concierge is downstairs

you thought you'd lost it?

It's in your pocket.

The husband, having uncovered his wife,
will uncover others.

As for that other gullible fool,
the one with the violets...

I'm going to give him some
crazy nights, with crazy dreams.

I'll teach him that woman
wasn't meant for a pedestal...

But for a sofa.

However all this was just
the infancy of my art...

But don't underestimate me.

A well-planned murder, for example,
would be trickier, right?

Let's take a look.

Would you like us to enter
the forbidden realm?

There, where I am not allowed?

I need a lure. This one, here.

And I'll arrange one
of these tragedies for you...

Someone fell into the river.

Yes, inspector.

Have they found the body?

It's been fished out.

Dead of course.

They're sure it's her?

Catherine mayeux.

Yes... I understand.

Thank you, inspector.

Yes... thanks.

You must be brave.

I was living here quietly.

And sin was devouring her,
right up to the worst one of all.

Maybe, at the last moment,
she renounced her sins.

Maybe she didn't.

She's dead.

Despair.

Suicide.

Sins that god doesn't forgive.

Do you think you could know what
god forgives and doesn't forgive?

I don't know, father.

I'm afraid.

Do you believe that she's damned?

Father, I ask your permission
to quit the seminary.

Where will you go?

Your sister only needs
your prayers now.

I was all she had,
and I left her alone.

A man led her into prostitution.

He hooked her on drugs.

He sank her in sin
all the way to death... to hell.

This man must die.
I must make it happen.

Have you lost your mind?

Leave justice to god
and men of law.

Hand the notebook over
to the police.

There's enough evidence there
to put carigny behind bars.

That is as much as your duty requires.

But he'll get out of prison
and start again.

My sister wasn't the first,
and won't be the last.

Father, let me go
and do what I must do.

The spirit of vengeance drives you.

And pride, seeing yourself
as a dispenser of justice.

Go to your room.

Humble yourself in prayer.

You don't know this man, father.

But I do.

He was our neighbour,
when I was a child.

He used to come back
to show off his new cars...

And impress the kids
playing in the street.

That's where she must have met him.

I should have been there
to warn her.

All he can do is create evil.

He's like an evil-making machine.

Like a tree,
that bears poisoned fruit.

I don't judge him, father.

But I must cut down that tree,
smash that machine.

You are the most gentle
and peaceful man there is.

You're incapable of hurting
any other living creature.

Father...

If you don't give me
permission to quit...

I'll be forced to do it
without it.

I do not authorize you to leave.

If you go so far as to disobey...

It"ll end in bitterness
and humiliation for you.

And you'll never be a priest.

This man must die...
And I must make it happen.

If your poor father had known
how Catherine would end up...

He'd have strangled her himself,
and maybe for the best.

Maybe.

I warned her, though,
when I saw how it would turn out.

Carigny is a piece of shit.

Don't repeat that, eh?

He comes to eat here every Saturday,
but he's still a rotten swine.

I've said that to Catherine.

But when a girl's happy to open her legs,
she closes her ears.

- Mr Alexandre!
- The priests didn't tell you that, eh?

It's true, though.

They call it love... the heart...

It's nothing but their pussy.

Women are crazy. Men too.

Between their legs
there's no intelligence.

Good day, inspector.

- Hi, squire.
- Can I get you something?

- Hi, denis.
- G'day, Louis.

I heard you were back.
I thought I'd check.

- Here I am.
- Get the inspector a drink.

- Getting ready for a hold-up?
- On Sunday. Partridges.

A beer.

You know...

I was very fond of Catherine.

I know.

I thought she'd be safe
with you in the neighbourhood.

It's a long time since
she left the neighbourhood.

- I hadn't realised.
- I know.

Denis...

If you know something the police don't,
you need to tell us.

What if she wrote to me
before her death?

Did she?

If she told me about garigny...

Prostitution, the drugs, girl-trade.
Addresses, proof...

You have to turn it over to me
right away.

I didn't say that I had anything.

But if I did...
And handed it over...

How long would he get?

If there's proof...
Maybe five or ten years...

If.

You think that's all he deserves?

The pig deserves to hang.
But he's careful.

He lets others do the dirty work.
We can never pin it on him.

Where does he live?

You're not planning something stupid?

Tell me where he lives.

Avilla in Juan-les-pins.
A chateau in deauville...

But usually in the hotel "George v ".

Hey... take a look behind us.

So...

Following people
on the road now?

Is this where the cassock got you?

I have to talk to you, carigny.

- About what??
- Catherine.

- Oh, shit...
- Carigny!

I know she killed herself
because of you.

You're not a stupid
sort of guy...

Do I look like someone
a girl would kill herself for?

Not for you. Because of you.
She wrote to me.

And what did she write about?

That she wasn't the first.
And there mustn't be any more.

That's why I'm here.

To stop you selling drugs,
killing people who get in your way...

Prostituting young girls.

It's worked so well,
you never thought you'd have to stop.

Stop? Why should 1?

Because Catherine is dead.
That's all.

I want for you to understand.

Catherine was just a little girl.

You call someone like that
"a little girl"?

What do you call the street?
Kindergarten?

You're a nice guy,
but I have things to do.

Ciao.
The horses are ready to run...!

By the way, berenice in the 2nd...
She's ten to one.

Yes?

Seven people for tomorrow night.

Yes sir, what's the name?

Yes sir.

Table for seven, tomorrow night.
For garigny.

Tomorrow night, Albert will cover
for you. You go to the movies.

It's not necessary, mr Alexandre.
Don't worry.

I wanted to ask...

Could you lend me your gun
on Sunday?

I'm going hunting with some friends.

What's this all about?

You wouldn't kill a flea.

Is that why you came back?

You must be nuts,
if you think I'd help you.

What's this?

"The parish news"?

Why did you say that to him?

Private joke. Eh denis?

You shouldn't joke about religion.
I'm a believer.

We all are.
We just all believe different things.

Maybe it's a hymn.

The little girls who go to mass

put cushions under their knees

they'd do better
to put them under their arse...

You could...

- Where'd you get this?
- It's from Catherine's notebook.

There are others. A list
of your suppliers and customers.

All your drug deals,
your crimes - all the proof.

- Hand it over.
- It's not on me.

- Hand it over.
- Kill me, but it's not on me.

Where is it?

Come to my place tomorrow, Sunday.

On the other side of the street,
number 18.

First floor, second door on the left.

I'll be alone. Come unarmed.

A weapon? Are you joking?

- Alright, I'll come.
- I knew you would.

- What time?
- 3pm.

Ok.

I won't be there until 3.
At 3.05 I'll be gone.

But it's agreed? No weapons.

Are you that scared?

Yes.

So let's set our watches.

3.05 exactly. No earlier, no later.

- Ok.
- Here's the key to my room.

Be quiet when you open the door.

I'll hand the notebook over to you,
with all the proof.

Be careful. He's more dangerous
than a basketful of vipers.

I know.

Come on in, the door's open

Come in, I'm alone.

Well?

Wait.

Reassured now?

I could hear your teeth chattering
as I came up the stairs.

Well, I'm listening.

The notebook isn't here.
I've hidden it. Only I know where.

I said I'm listening.

Alright...

How much?

How much do you want?

Let's forget your sister,
and talk seriously like big boys.

If it isn't money you want,
then what is it?

To look at you.
You're a coward and a bastard.

And you're the first priest
I've ever punched in the face.

I thought we agreed... no weapons.

You're regular troopers, you priests.

Don't move.

You'll never hurt anyone else, garigny.
Never again.

And what are you going to do?

Get the notebook and
take it to the police.

No you won't.

Ever see 10 million in cash?

It's a pretty sight. I'm loaded.

You can have it,
if you're not stupid.

There are seven names
in the notebook.

Girls and men,
dead because of you.

Of course, you didn't
kill them yourself.

If you want to stop me
from leaving...

For once you have to
show some courage.

I'm going to the police station.

You have to decide.

Stop!

I told you...

There is only one way
to stop me from going.

Just one. You know what it is.

Denis... listen to me...

How can you do something
this stupid?

What's the point?

Look, I'm sorry about your sister.
There!

I regret it. Happy now?

How did I know she'd do
something so stupid?

I didn't force her
to take the stuff!

I didn't make money off her,
from drugs, I swear.

What do you blame me for?
Just some stupid stuff!

Come on... have some guts.

- Goodbye, garigny.
- Denis!

Don't worry, I forgive you.

Ego te alsolvo a peccatis tuis.

Louis, you're not
gonna shoot me?

That'd be too easy.

If he's dead, you're done for.

Denis...

Denis old chap...
What have you done?

This time it'll stick.

You make sure.

Yes, denis.

You have to pray for him.

And for me.

The hand of justice?
You think you're the hand of justice?

But you're mine, my little priest.

Your sacrifice is a suicide.

As for the gangster
you prepared him for me.

You forced him to kill!

And all for what? For whom?
A woman!!

Once again, a woman.

Girls are my most
devoted collaborators.

All it takes is a bauble,
to capture her.

Sometimes you have to
pay the price.

You see these diamonds?
I was the one who invented them.

The very glitter of the diamond
is made from the flames of Hades.

Look at her.
"Thou shalt not covet."

Easy to say, unless you're a pretty
little tart with a head full of ideas.

No. Truly.

Madame, it's a marvelous piece.

At Van cleef and arpels
every stone is perfection.

It just doesn't interest me.

What about this necklace?

If I may...

Thank you.

- Do you find it beautiful?
- Beautiful?

I'm overwhelmed.

Me too.

But not by the jewelry.

I didn't know that micheline
had such a gorgeous friend.

- I'm married, mr Allan.
- Of course.

To the celebrated George beaufort.

Celebrated? For what?

Marrying a pretty woman.

Philip?

Come and look. I can't decide.
What do you think?

They're both so tempting.

It's a matter of relative importance.

This one has larger stones.
It's very feminine.

This one rather is more formal,
that one more luxurious.

So this one.

- Try it on, madame.
- No, there's no point.

Let's see now... may I...?

There...!

How about that!

Isn't it just...?

It was made for you.

- How much?
- 300,000 francs.

- 300,000?
- New francs, of course.

You mean... 30 million?

A great opportunity!

May I look?

It suits you perfectly.

Like it?

It doesn't matter if I do.

George's next play would
have to run more than 3000 times.

He's never gone over 100. I have to
be happy with imaginary jewels.

But his plays are performed
World-Wide.

But in theatres this big.
He's a niche specialist.

Are you tempted, dear?
Poor George will be ruined!

Just looking. I can dream, can't I?

- May 1?
- Of course.

Pardon.

- Shall I write you a cheque?
- There's no hurry.

- A down-payment will be fine.
- A unique piece.

Princess Margaret was very
taken with it on her last trip.

But since her wedding...

- Will you take francoise home?
- Of course.

You're very kind.
My feet are killing me.

- Happy with your necklace?
- It's a river of diamonds!

- Watch you don't drown in it.
- I'll wear it on Friday.

Philip's giving a party,
why don't you come?

I'd be delighted
to meet your husband.

He hardly ever goes out...
He's working on his new play.

If you come, he will too.

- Not in bed yet?
- Not yet.

I've a great idea for act 3.
Must write it down.

When the general is in the garden
and that passers-by are kangaroos,

the curtain drops
and rises on nothing.

An empty stage, zero!

And the kangaroos gallop... gallop...

You'd need the 'chatelet',
but you'll have the 'huchette'...

And the kangaroo gallop
done with coconut shells.

- No, no!
- Come to bed.

No, I need to work
while I've got this idea.

I sit in the corner
and watch while you sleep.

It'll inspire me.

Alright...

By the way, we've been invited
to Philip Allan's on Friday.

Philip who?

Philip Allan, micheline's husband.

- There he is.
- Finally!

What's going on? The boss
sent me here without saying why.

I asked for you. I need help
to keep an eye on all these jewels.

- What is it? An exhibition?
- Yes, a mobile one.

It's mr Allan's annual jewelry ball.

The finest jewels from Paris
London and New York...

Worn by models
who don't speak French.

- Who is this Allan?
- A pauper.

Come on, I'll put you in position.

There's a garden door
that bothers me.

Theater doesn't interest me.
I never go.

It's all junk. Look...

You could never
put an event like this onstage.

Even if I could, the thought
would never occur to me.

A heap of rocks?
I'd prefer Shakespeare.

A heap of words?

I don't go to the theater,
but I do read. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Good evening.

Marie-helene! Those emeralds!
Spring is here!

An old spring,
full of dead wood!

Give me a drink, lad.

Good evening.

Come on, I'll show you a treasure.

My dear, may we?
I'd like my friend to see.

- Of course.
- How dazzling!

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

You should have warned me!
I feel positively indecent.

What's wrong?
Problems with Philip?

Men are all the same.

Here one day,
forget us the next.

You can't have everything.

This... isn't bad, after all.

And I have George.

A husband I love
and who loves me.

That's worth a kilo of diamonds.

You wouldn't swap?

Would you?

What are you talking about?

We were talking about love.

Quite right. Love is nothing
but a topic of conversation.

Care to dance?

Like it?

It's a beautiful piece.

I like wood that's worked by human hands
and grows old with them.

It's a cresson. Signed.

Signed...!

The gentleman is quite
covered in signatures.

You don't like Philip?

I don't like seducers
who attack with their wealth.

And what do you attack with?

I could show you.

But I don't have
much chance against him.

This necklace is
a perfect expression of love.

- It's the fall of the curtain.
- In what way?

The final word.
The farewell present.

I'm tired of him.
I'm leaving mr Allen.

You want to give up all this?
That's genuine heroism.

Only half.
The apartment's in my name.

So what will you do now?

First, go without a man for a while.
Time in a spa.

Let the wounds heal.

Then, I'll look around.

I don't suppose I have
the slightest chance?

Not the slightest. You're poor.

Let's not exaggerate.

And you're a loving,
and adored husband.

Yes, of course.
Would it bother you?

Your party is a complete success.

It could be.

- It depends on you.
- Me?

Would you be kind enough
to accompany me to my office?

Just for a minute.

But... you're crazy!

I saw how much you liked
this necklace the other day.

You were like a child
looking in a shop window at Christmas.

Rather like how you're looking now.

- Look... mr Allan...
- My name is Philip.

Philip, I can't possibly accept
such a present.

Then don't accept it.

Give it back, but not this evening.

Not now... tomorrow.

Give me that pleasure.

And my husband?

How's he going to look when I say
"it's a present from Philip."?

A man doesn't gives a woman
something this expensive...

For no reason at all.

You know what you'll do?

Keep this necklace.

Take it home with you and keep it.
For one day. Secretly.

Tomorrow, you'll bring it back.

Tomorrow? What time?

Let's say... 5 o'clock?

I'll try to come,
but I can't promise.

I'm a faithful wife.

One more reason.

And micheline is my best friend.

Well then... I really don't know
what's keeping you.

- What are you doing?
- I'm thirsty. Go back to sleep.

- Is mr Allan here?
- He's expecting you, madame

follow me, please.

This way.

- I've brought you...
- Please, come in.

I could have kept it.

Why not?
If it makes you happy...

I'm returning it.

No regrets?

Yes.

Can I help you, madame?

I'll take this one.

Excuse me, miss...!

- A necklace?
- Yes, please.

- Here's a very pretty one.
- I'll take two dozen.

Would you like to select them?

No just give me an assortment.

Austerlitz station.
Baggage check.

- Hi.
- What's wrong, darling?

That cow made me wait 45 minutes,
then sent me to the secretary.

"The director asks if you would
mind waiting a little." A little...

And she runs a theater... cow!

She doesn't know what theatre is.
She'd make racine wait!

What's this?

- What?
- This.

A baggage claim check.
I found it in the taxi.

You think it's still good?

These are always good.

I should have given it to the driver.
I was wrong.

Wrong to whom?

The fool who lost it
should have been more careful.

Must have been a woman.

A lady theatre director!
Should such a thing exist?

I'll go pick up whatever it is.

Is that honest?

Do you know any honest people?

Billionaires, who don't like the theatre,
directors, with a knack for raising money.

If it's gold bars,
we're keeping them.

What if it's a trunk with
a dismembered woman in it?

Hardly!

The age of tragedy is past.
All they want today is musical comedy.

Micheline! Are you leaving?

I had an appointment with francoise,
but she's not home.

Don't go, she must be there.

If she's in the bedroom with
the radio on, she doesn't hear the bell.

And it's the maid's day off.

Francoise?

Let me take your coat.

Francoise?

- Francoise!
- Francoise?

Do you think she'll answer?

- That'd surprise me.
- Me too.

She must be taking her mother
to montparnasse station.

So why did you ask me in?

I get the impression you're bored.

Don't you need someone
to pay attention to you?

Pay attention to me?
In the conjugal home?

What if francoise comes home?

The train leaves at 7.40.
We have lots of time.

To be quite honest...
I had no appointment with her.

And I knew that she wasn't home.

How did you know that?

Don't you find she's been going out
more often recently?

No more than usual. Why?

Oh, no reason.

So tell me...
Did you come to see me?

To see you, yes.

I wanted to see the playwright
for myself, up close.

Well, take a look.
I hope you're short-sighted.

I can see what counts well enough.
Turn around.

- Not very tall.
- Thanks!

- Not very handsome.
- Thanks again.

- Not very young.
- Thanks.

Your fingers are too short.

I think so too.

Your eyes...

They're really your best feature.

And my genius?

And me. What about me?

How do you find me?

You're the ideal woman.

Kind-hearted, perceptive,
selfless, loving, maternal.

Thank you.

Incomparable for
displaying jewellery.

Sadly, I've nothing to put there,
except my short fingers.

But wait... l do have something.

Yes, just you wait.

I'll decorate you! Ornament youl!
Cover you! Wrap you...!

Envelop you...
Drown you in jewels!

What's this?

The treasure of Aladdin's genii.

The fabulous fortune
of the imagination.

I'll make you the queen of sheba...
Cleopatra...

The madwoman of chaillot!

And what's more, there's more.

This is it? What's inside?

Don't tell me.

Nothing much.

It'll amuse you...
You love that sort of stuff.

What stuff?

That's so pretty!

Look how many there are!

This must a salesman's
sample-case.

But...

What's wrong?

Are you home?

I was waiting for you.
Sorry, I was in the bathroom.

Why are you looking at me like that?
Aren't you going to say hello?

What's happening?

Why is it so cold?

This shouldn't be!

I'm catching cold,
yet I'm in my element.

I'm among those who think
they believe in nothing.

And create their own gods.

They're mine, yet don't know it.

What's that over there?

Yeah...

No, it can't be!

What's he doing?

Good god... god!

A swallow...

The first one...

Clear off!
Or I'll set the dogs on youl!

Clear off!

My grandpa... he can't walk any more.

And my grandma is sick
and stays in bed.

My daddy and mummy
are out with the sheep.

- Mary!
- Yes?

Mary...

That's a pretty name.

It's the name of someone
I loved very much.

And you? Who are you?

Me? I'm the lord, god.

Mary!

Mary! You want to let me die,
you little bitch? Mary!

Grandma... god is here!

What? Give me my syrup.

He's here. He spoke to me.

He looks like father Gilbert's donkey.

A donkey like that carried Mary,
then our son.

I like looking like
father Gilbert's donkey.

Auguste, auguste!
There's a bum in here!

Get out of here,
or my husband will shoot you.

Against the cross, the gun.
Always the same reaction.

But it's so easy to believe
when I tell you who I am.

God?

Like I told youl!

Come closer.

- Shit! I missed!
- Careful, my dear lady!

- Careful yourself, you damned...
- Grandma!

God?

Stay away from him.

You'd believe anything
at your age...

Until life catches up with you.

You'll find that you
want to hit him too.

I might be dead before nightfall.

I still haven't felt
a moment of pleasure.

Not even on a Sunday. Not once.

The cows, the men, the pigs...
They're all hungry on Sunday.

They get dirty on Sundays.

Those who rest on Sundays...
Aren't you ashamed?

What have you come here for?

I've come down to earth, to try
and show mankind the right path.

And this is how you receive me...
With dogs, guns and a stick.

Are we supposed to thank you?

What did you do
with my three boys?

The first died in prison.

The second was crushed
to death at aurillac.

The third married a slut,
who won't give me anything to eat.

And it's the same everywhere.

We don't get the newspaper,
but we have the radio.

We know what's going on.

Everywhere burning,
screaming, bleeding. Everywhere!

You're not who you say you are.

There is no god.

If there was,
he wouldn't dare show himself.

In short, you're mad at me?

You're brave, but you
don't understand anything.

You don't have to understand
destitution to be destitute.

Your son kills a thousand ants when
he drives his tractor over their hill.

But the tractor must do that,
so man can eat.

Of course!

But the mother of the ants
is mad at me.

And the pike
swallows twelve little fish.

And the mother of the little fish
is mad at me.

And in one afternoon the gazelle eats
one million blades of grass.

And the mother of the blades of grass
is mad at me.

And Mary...

The other Mary...

She said nothing to me...

But she bled.

Damn good...

Grandma!

Why don't you change all this?

All you have to do is say the word
and everyone could be happy.

Maybe you get a kick
out of it all.

Or maybe you're just
not very smart.

I can't tell you.

Could you explain to the ant,
why there are tractors?

How it works and what it's for?

We're not ants.

You are nothing at all on earth.

And earth is nothing at all
in the universe.

And the universe
is like a fly-speck...

On the tip of my little finger.

What can you understand,
you mere creature?

And all the same, I love you.

Me?

Mankind.

I gave him the big secret.

The one that fixes everything.

He doesn't want to use it.
No way in the world!

He does just the opposite.

That's why I've come...
To fix that.

A secret? Tell me it!

It's simple. It's love.

You are still a little girl,
named Mary.

Mary...

You have a brand new heart,
and you have to love.

If you love, there's no more arguing,
no more jealousy, hatred, war.

If you love who?

Everything... your husband,
your sons, your trees, your soil.

Not just the good soil.
Pebbles and nettles too.

Your neighbours and the daughter-in-law
who doesn't give you food.

My neighbours?!
My daughter-in-law?!

I'm no god.

There you are.

You've forgotten that you
have to be like god.

I've made you in my image.

And what have you done
with my image?

I'd rather not know.

But alas, I know everything.

If you know everything,
then perform a miracle.

You talk and talk.
Talking is easy.

"Man is wrong... I'm god..."
That's easy to say.

Show me a small miracle.

A race of unbelievers!

Yes, I'll show you a miracle.
But not for you...

For Mary. So she can see it
and testify to it.

I'll take you back to aged 20.

No!

My god, if it really is you, no.

I beg you, have mercy.

One life...

One life is enough.

You poor little old creature.

You made their soup.

You did their laundry.

You gave birth to their children.

You are worn out.

Go... you'll soon have your reward.

I would love so much
to believe you.

I would love so much...

What about the miracle?
Are you going to do it?

Grandpa!
Make grandpa walk again.

Get up and walk.

No, thank you.
I'm fine the way I am.

When I could walk, I had to work
like a slave. At my age!

Now, I can at least rest.

There's no particular age
to help those we love.

Get up and walk.

Never!

For the third time, man:
Get up and walk!

But I can't... my poor legs!

See... they're all the same.

They reject the good I do them,
and just grumble.

You're going to walk.

Who's he?

It's god!

Dear god...!

So it's true!

It's all over for me.

My god, forgive me.

Give me a small space
in your paradise.

You're almost there.
Do you hear the music?

Yes.

Do you hear that sound?
Like pigeons taking flight?

Yes.

Those are the angels,
getting ready to receive you.

The gates of paradise
are all white.

Enter!

In you go.

Enter!

Yes.

You'll never be tired again, now.

In the name of me, and my son
and the holy ghost. Amen.

Visit us again.

In my tired soil,
nothing grows anymore.

Maybe you could do something?

I'll come again
and do what needs to be done.

Thanks in advance.
You're very kind.

Mary...

Goodbye to you all.

- Thank you.
- Goodbye.

- Thanks so much.
- Thank you.

Father brought that back from Africa.

He served in the foreign legion.

But don't worry; I'll chop it up
and burn it.

If you want.
It doesn't bother me.

Black god,
yellow god, white god...

It's still always me.

But then again...

You never know.

We must tell the priest.

It'll be on the radio,
in the papers.

It'll be worth money.

A swallow...

The second one.

Hey, god, would you like a lift?

With pleasure, my children!
With pleasure!

Psychiatric hospital

a lunatic.

An escaped lunatic!
Oh, that explains it!

A god that was reasonable
would have been a surprise!

As for a good-natured god...!

If god were as nice as him,
I wouldn't exist.

I'm his bad side.

He left me the best bits...

Acceptable wars, acceptable hate,
stupidity and lies.

The sort of lies that crash into
each other... like fighting cocks.

There are those for whom lies
are part and parcel of their lives.

Lying is their daily bread.

Take this guy...
His life is built around a lie.

He was told,
"honour thy father and mother."

He let himself be caught
like a Doe in a net.

- Hello, mr mercier.
- Hello.

- Bon appetit.
- Shh!

What's happening?

Same as usual...
The sparks are flying!

Really? What about dad?

He's waiting for the storm to pass.
But the bad weather never stops.

- You're back for dinner?
- Yes.

- Class was cancelled. The prof was sick.
- That's all we need.

Sit down, since you're here.

This is all that's left.

- Aren't you eating?
- No, I'm not hungry.

- What about dad?
- He spoiled my appetite.

- Where is he?
- How the hell would I know?

Never get married. Be like me.

- Maria!
- Don't wear yourself out.

Maria's quit. Maria's gone.

What did you say
to Maria, this time?

Of course, it's all my fault!

Don't worry, I'll soon be gone.

You think I'm too old
to do anything else.

I shan't stay buried in the kitchen,
for two imbeciles.

Oh, thank you.

Not you, I mean your father
and that stupid old boarder.

If only your father
were good for something.

You'll see how you manage
when I'm gone!

A total pain in the neck...

There's still time for me to have
a decent life.

You know you'll never leave.
Why do you keep saying this nonsense?

You're as selfish as your father.

You have your bed and food...
Clean clothes, your car, friends...

And who pays for it all?
Who pays for your studies?

Your pocket money?
Who's the maid of all work? Who?

Shit.

Shit, shit, and more shit!

Shit! I've had enough!

If it kills you to pay,
for my upkeep, just say so.

I've got five years to go for my thesis.
I can't live like this... I'm off!

Am I going to be blamed
for every mouthful I take?

- She doesn't mean it.
- Why does she say it then?

You never say a word.
She never shuts up.

She's screaming. You're stuck in a corner.
Why would I want to come home?

Why can't you face her
and yell back at her.

If she weren't my mother...

She's not your mother.

What?

She's not your mother.

You're joking, eh?

Your mother was 16. I was 20.

Did she die?

She left.

She didn't love you?

What about me?

Didn't she care?

I said your mother was unknown.

When I married germaine,
she acknowledged you.

Why didn't you tell me?

She didn't want you to know.

You don't talk much,
but once you do...

What happened to my mother?

- You know her.
- I know her?

You've seen heron TV.

Recently she played "celimene".

Clarisse ardant?

Back then she was
solange bouchon.

Clarisse ardant...

Coming soon: Clarisse ardant
in "the taming of the shrew"

For I am he am born
to tame you, Kate...

And bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate

conformable as other household Kates

here comes your father...
Never make denial.

Now, signor petruchio,
how speed you with my daughter?

- All went well with my daughter?
- Perfectly.

How but well, sir? It were impossible
I should speed amiss.

How now, daughter Katherine?

In your dumps?

Call you me daughter?

You have shown a tender fatherly regard,
to wish me wed to one half lunatic...

A madcap ruffian
a half-wit jabberer,

"a madcap ruffian
and a swearing Jack."

I know my lines.

- I won first prize for this.
- 20 years ago.

What's this wheezer
saying to me?

I've had enough. It's six.
We'll pick it up tomorrow. Bye.

Bye, handsome.

Tomorrow at two, kids.

Miss clarisse ardant?

- Obviously.
- I'd like to speak with you.

- What about?
- About you and me.

You and me? Really!

Excuse me.

Well?

Isn't there some quieter place?

This way.
Just 5 minutes, though.

Come along.

They've brought back the dress.

- Was it altered?
- Yes, you should try it on.

You never know.

I shall. You can leave now.

- Aren't you trying on the dress?
- I can do it by myself, can't I?

- See you tomorrow, Isabelle.
- There's some mail for you.

May 1?
Make yourself comfortable.

Well, what is it?

Tell me what you have to say.

It's not hard to guess.

I believe I know.
But I'd prefer not to.

Now that you know that I know,
really, why say it?

Why right now?

Be patient. Once you've said it,
there'll be nothing more to say.

So why talk?

Be a dear. It's a zipper,
you just have to pull on it.

Charming. You're charming.

Of course, people
have told you that.

Which play did you see me in?

Of course...
I've been in so many.

How old are you?

20 and a half.

Wonderful!

Would you help me?

And don't blush.

He's a cherub!

"Whoever is this young man
with these lovely hypocritical eyes?"

"Now, lovely blue bird,
sing your love-song to madame."

"Look at that guilty blush!."

"How about a little peck on the cheek?"

You're my mother.

What?

I'm Pierre messager.

Your son.

Darling! Why didn't you
say something before, silly?!

I tried, but you wouldn't let me
get a word in.

You only had to say "mum"
and it would have been clear.

Imagine if you hadn't said anything!
How awful!

Come and hug your mummy,
who hasn't seen you in ages.

At least you're good-looking.

I still thought of you
as being little.

I was, but it didn't last.

How old did you say?

- 20 and a half.
- 20...

And a half.

You don't have to keep saying it!

So, my grown-up little-one,
what brings you here?

What are you doing? How good are you?
What are your plans?

You mustn't hide
anything from me.

You'll always be my little-one.

You don't know what it's like
to be a mother.

The dress looks good on me.
Maybe take it in here.

Why didn't you come earlier?

I always thought my father's wife
was my mother.

- Who made you think that?
- That's what I was always told.

- By whom?
- Dad.

That one.

I'd be curious to see him.
You must bring him.

He doesn't know I'm here.

But he knows that you know
that I'm your mother?!

It was he who told me.

How did you feel about that?

It was strange.

A shock.

A pleasant one?

Like a blow to the head.

And the heart, I hope?

That too.

You're not disappointed?

No, of course not... but...

I have to get used to it.

- How did you imagine me?
- I'd already seen you on TV.

And you're not surprised
that such a young woman...

No. Actresses never look their age.

How old do you think I am?

167

I was 16 when I was your mother
for the for the first time.

And your father was a child too.
Dear gaston!

Not gaston, Marcel.

Are you sure?

I'm mixing up everything...
I'm so moved.

Would you...?

All five of us must absolutely
get together for dinner.

You didn't answer me.
What do you do?

- I'm studying medicine.
- Good for you!

- In caen, in normandy.
- Caen?

Why on earth in caen?

There's a very good school there.

That would be your father's idea.
He wanted to go there. So stupid!

- He lived nearby.
- Poor guy.

You're really are an Adonis.

You obviously take after me!

Turn around, you little monster.

But I look upon you
with respect.

Don't talk nonsense.

I know what you think of me.

It's perfectly natural.

I'm not like other mothers.

I had you too young... 16!

Just a girl.

At that age, you don't know
what you're doing... proof!

And your stepmother?
Is she at least nice to you?

Nice? That's not a word that fits her.

A mother... we only have one.

Would you...?

Are you happy, at least?

I don't ask for much.

If it weren't for my father,
I'd have left home.

Seriously? You only stay
because of him?

I'm all he has.

Oh my darling...!

Darling, he doesn't deserve you.

Don't bother about him, do what
you want. You're completely free.

Yes, this Marcel, your father...

He's not your father.

Are you happy?

What are you telling me?

The truth, as always.

I was young and scatterbrained.

You know how it is.

You go from man to man,
looking for yourself...

And the men are there.
They take advantage of it.

So... I lied about the dates.

What's the matter?

Who am 1?

Orphaned twice in 48 hours...

Don't complain.

You've found your real mother.
Many can't say as much.

So, who was it?

Who is my father?

After all this time, who knows?
No more questions!

God only knows
what's become of him.

Let's not talk about it anymore. Ok?

Now let's go... we'll have
a cozy dinner together.

Wait a minute.
No, tonight's impossible.

You came at a bad time.

What am I doing tomorrow?

No, I rehearse in costume.

Appointment with the dressmaker.
Friday, dress rehearsal.

Saturday... Sunday...
This is dreadful!

Write to me.
I'll leave you my address.

No, no... you mustn't
say it like that!

I can't be "vous", I must be "tu".

Madame, "tu", carries
a hidden message.

Naughty boy!

The first time, say it with
your eyes closed, darling.

After that, it'll come
much more naturally.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
I should have had myself announced.

- Oh, you're not intruding.
- Really?

Silly!

Tell him! Tell him who you are.

It's useless.
He wouldn't believe it.

Darling!

Darling...

You can't carry on
fretting like that!

Mothers...!

Having to prove
they gave birth in pain!

Mummies...!

I'm sure he's had an accident.

He's never gone 24 hours without calling.
He's never slept away from home!

At his age, I...

What did he say when he left?

He didn't even kiss me.

You didn't tell him anything,
did you?

About what?

- About... you know.
- Of course not.

He went up to your room.

When he came down
he left without a word.

When he comes home,
I'll give him what for!

He won't do it again.

Why do you want him home,
the dear flesh of your flesh?

He knows what to expect.

- Should I call the police?
- I already did.

I did. An hour ago.

- Where are you going?
- To look for him.

In the middle of the night?

What have you been doing?
Do you want to be the death of me?

Don't I have enough to do,
without having to worry about you?

Couldn't you have called?
We were so worried!

Mum...

Yes?

I'm hungry.

I cooked your favorite for you.
Now it's all burned and cold.

This is no life for a cook.

Dad...

Want to eat something?

You know how she is.

- Yes, you too.
- What do you mean?

Here...

Sit down.

Sit down.

You could at least tell us
where you were.

Yes, I was with a woman.

- With a woman? At your age!
- Really, mum!

What woman?

A woman of no importance.

And they eat, and they eat.

And believe that everything
will be fine.

But you, with your pretty little face...
I'll be seeing you again,

because your generation
is very promising.

I have lots of friends in it.

I really love the new wave...

All these fellows,
who think life is a voyage...

Where you must travel 1st class.

How about the neighbour's money?

"The neighbour's money"
that's an invention of mine, too.

I put it in reach.
But thou shalt not steal.

You're not not steal it!

Think carefully before
you answer, mr marin.

This may be serious,
or even worse... very serious.

You were two hours late this morning.

Why?

I didn't sleep last night, sir.

Neither did I.

But I'm 55. It's my stomach.

I'm 28. It's Janine.

This isn't a joke, mr marin.

The general credit bank
is not a punch and Judy show...

It's a business.

Janine is too.

What?

Janine is a business...
Lively, exuberant, blonde...

I don't know what
you think of blondes...

But personally, I have
a weakness for them.

My mother was an albino.
I believe it's freudian.

What do you think?

- About blondes?
- No, Freud.

Another question...

Are you making a fool of me?

Oh, that would be unseemly, sir!

Worse, it would inopportune,
wouldn't it?

Mr marin, it's always a pleasure
to chat with you.

A pleasure, which from now on,
I will have to forgo.

You will carry out your duties
until the end of the week.

After that, the bank will have to
dispense with your services.

You have just been too irregular.

The week will be over
in 6 hours.

I should have listened to Janine
and stayed in bed.

It would have spared us
this distressing interview.

Get out. Do you, hear, Mr. marin?
Get out!

Get the hell out of here!
I don't want to see you again!

Get back in your cage!

Never again!

How can I help you?

The cash drawer.

Gosh!

Look what I have here.

What do you say to that?

Lovely weapon. What calibre?

11 mm. Yugoslavian.
Go through an elephant at 20 metres.

Not much use for it
in yugoslavia.

It can also go through
a Paris bank teller.

Which will happen should you be
unfortunate enough to scream.

Why on earth should I scream?

How much would you like?

The lot.

Stupid question...! Forgive me!

Hurry it up!

- Nothing funny about this!
- You wouldn't understand.

- Something funny about me?
- Don't be so sensitive.

It'll ruin your life.

There you are.

Wait!

Some change for the subway.

- If you scream before I get away...
- Enough with the elephants.

Off you go, then, champ.
Spend it wisely.

"Buy French!"

Help! Help! I've been robbed!

Stop the thief! Help!

I'm not asking you what he said,
but what he looked like.

He was a big wide-faced type.

With red eyes and a green beard.

There's no such thing.

No, I meant to say,
with green eyes and red beard.

A redhead with green eyes.
Make a note.

He rolled his "rs
like they do in the south-west.

The corsicans again!

What do you have
against corsicans, boss?

Nothing. But I don't trust them.

What did he carry the money in?

A sort of wickerwork briefcase.

With a label...

"Aerolineas argentinas."

Concealing foreign assets,
tax fraud... this could be big.

I'm getting the picture

the picture of what, I wonder?
He's an absolute moron.

- Whereas I am intelligent.
- Yes, darling.

I'm sure I've seen him
somewhere before.

- The inspector?
- No, the robber, the elephant-hunter.

I saw him very recently.
But where?

- At the bowling alley, maybe?
- No.

- At the club Saint-hilaire.
- No.

Let's see...

Just eat, Janine, I can't think.

You should've had the fish.
It's good for your brain.

Eat! You're getting thin.

I can see your ribs.

I counted them last night... 24.

- You should be ashamed.
- My boss doesn't think so.

Mr hyacinthe thinks
I'm a Greek goddess.

He can be cultured,
but with bad eyesight.

Where did I see that creep?

What do you think I've done?

Not your mr hyacinthe...
The bank-robber.

Not at the cinema.

Not on the bus...

Not on the street,
not at the races...

Stop it! You getting
on my nerves!

I know where I saw the guy!

At fernand's wedding.
He yelled at me because I laughed.

His name's Antoine vaillant.

Why do you ask?

At my cousin fernand's wedding,
I forgot to tip him.

I'm afraid I can't wait,
but if you had his address...

The new one or the old one?

The old one was
fresnes prison, cell 3.

It's too bad he got out.

Do they hire
sextons out of prison?

Not usually. They do nothing
and just look decorative.

But father's too soft.
And socially-minded, as they say.

He calls it "reintegration".

You'll see. One day Antoine
will take off with all the silver...

And the bones
of St. rigobert to boot!

Where does he live?

I'd like to send him
a small money-order.

He lives in an apartment
the priest's sister used to have.

An apartment of full sacred treasures.
Stolen treasures, if you ask me!

6, rue vinaude,
third on the left.

- Telephone number?
- I don't know.

He's listed in the phone book
under the name of father's sister.

- And that would be?
- The same name as the priest.

Which is?

- Morlerand.
- Morlerand.

What is it?

Hello!

Hello, mr Antoine vaillant?

No... yes. Who's calling?

The fakir, the fortune-teller,
the prince of all clairvoyants!

If you're trying to
sell me a horoscope...

Do you prefer riddles, sir?
Here's one for you...

Who talked about elephants
on Friday at 10.15

in an establishment
with many branches?

I don't know.

Neither do the police,
but that could change.

You sound like a gentleman,
but you haven't introduced yourself.

Are you a blackmailer?

Occasionally,
but it's not my full-time job.

It should be your profession.
You do it very well.

You're really much
too generous, sir!

You could be even more so.

In 15 minutes be by the carousel
in the courtyard of the louvre.

I warn you, I won't wait.

Hello! Balzac 17-407?

Miss Janine millot, please.

It's her cousin,
on leave from the military.

Hello... it's your fellow!

Hurry up and meet me
in 15 minutes at mistrigris!

No, mr hyacinthe,
I'm not coming back.

Be a dear
and send me my last paycheck.

I'm afraid I won't have time.

- He wants me to pick it up at the office.
- No, no, there's no time.

No more drudgery.
The high-life now.

Quiet!

I'd rather just say goodbye.
It'll be less painful.

Give it to me!

Hello, mr hyacinthe?

The era of fatherly tenderness
is over.

Look after your libido
without us.

Yes, that's Latin.

Go pack your bag.
Meet me at the gare de Lyon, 10.30.

- Will we have a sleeping car?
- Whatever you want!

That's what money's for!
You come, you pay, and they say thanks.

Oh, this coffee's awful!

You'll soon be drinking espressos.

Get moving.

How much for the white?

1 franc 30.

At last! I've been waiting
for you for half an hour.

- What is it?
- Just a formality.

The inquiry is proceeding.

- Can I just put this...
- No... we'll be back in half an hour.

Sorry, but it's the first investigation
of mine that's made any progress.

It almost worries me.

You could be the wrong track.

If we have a culprit, we must
get a confession and all that.

And I wanted to take a vacation.
It's trout season.

The investigation's progressing,
so I'll have to postpone it.

- Give it to me!
- No...

Give it here!

There you are.

We picked up a few
habitual hold-up artists.

Look them over,
and tell us if you spot anyone.

Him?

No.

You don't recognize anyone?

No one.

Sure? Not just saying that
to make me happy?

- I'm sure.
- I need you to sign something.

So long boys, until next time!

Sign at the bottom.

Thanks.

You're letting them go?

We can't lock up innocent men.

No kidding!?

Oh, it happens, I know.
But we to report something.

Journalists poke their noses
everywhere.

Today, they can do
whatever they want.

Let me tell you something, sir.

When we allow institutions
to deteriorate...

It's the end of Babylon.

Taxi!

Quickly! Straight ahead!

Give it to me!

What's going on?

- Nothing, constable!
- Nothing.

What's in the case?

- Dirty laundry.
- Why are you lying, Antoine?

It's the proceeds of
a terrible robbery.

The general credit bank.
It was in the news.

You might have time for jokes,
but I don't.

Beat it! And no more bullshit!

Give back my money
and I'll forget everything.

Your money? What do you mean?

It's mine, I stole it!

So did I.

Come on.

As two people of good faith,
let's be sensible

we'll share...

So you're taking advantage
of this situation.

50-50, ok?

Alright

- you won't change your mind?
- Word of honour.

It can't bel

oh you miserable hoodlum!

You switched suitcases!

You won't get away with this
you bastard!

You turned up
just at the right time.

Someone stole my sausage,
my red wine and my applesauce!

It seems they've generously
compensated you for it!

Pretty expensive applesauce!

I stopped for a lunch break,
and what do I find?

You find a fortune. Poor fellow.
Get up.

Hard luck!

A sausage, red wine
and applesauce.

We know, my boy.
You come with us to the station

- what for?
- File a complaint.

Report that your sausage
and red wine are missing.

- And my applesauce too, right?
- Of course!

I wouldn't want to be
in his shoes!

Moral: Ill-gotten gains never benefit
the one who didn't steal it.

I hope you recognized me.

I'm the one who made sure
that the two cases matched.

Just my little joke...

The weeks drag on in eternity.

Fortunately, there are the Sundays...

Where you close shop
and respect the man upstairs.

It's definitely my favorite day.

Delphine!

- Delphine!
- Yes, yes!

Every Sunday it's the same thing.

Work my fingers to the bone...

The lord's day of rest
is good for their lordships.

- Delphine!
- I'm coming!

These bachelors...!

Well, delphine,
what about the plum Brandy?

Your lordship has already had 3 glasses
of meursault and 2 of mouton-rothschild.

My lordship would like
some plum Brandy!

His lordship would like some
plum Brandy, with two glasses!

Chambard, I'm waiting.

For what?

You're here to recite
the ten commandments!

You said you'd learned them.

Yes, I've learned them.
I just don't know if I remember them

we'll see. Start!
Thank you, my good delphine.

Thank you, my blonde beauty!

If god saw you,
he wouldn't be proud.

Whoa!

There we are.

Take it down, pass it around,
99 bottles on ground!

Chambard, my friend,
I'm going to get angry.

Aw, you're forever bugging me
about something or other.

The 10 commandments!
The 10 commandments!

Can you say all
of the 10 commandments?

What? You've the hide to ask me?

Yeah. You don't know them.

I don't know them?

"Thou shalt have no other
gods before me."

- Next?
- Next? Um...

Just a minute, it'll come to me...

"Thou shalt not kill," and...

I've gone blank

his lordship should have a little drink.
That's what he needs.

Good idea, delphine.

Nothing better to help the digestion...
And jog the empty memory.

Your health, Hector!

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

Say... you remember
the old baroness...

- What was her name?
- The old baroness?

Oh, madame de bréan-jaspar!

Yes. You remember?

She came every year,
to give out the top prize.

You remember that year
when it was so hot?

That was the year
you won the prize.

Yes, she was a very formal
and elegant lady.

"My dear children..."

"On this festive day, which crowns
the end of the school year..."

Yes, I remember!!

Then her foot slipped, and wham!

- She fell right off the stage!
- All four limbs in the air.

- Her skirt was up to here...
- I rushed over to help her up.

- Up she gets and...
- Her wig!

Her wig falls on the ground!

She was bald!

Bald!

Bald as my knee!

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

A serpent!

A serpent!

Look at it!

This maker of drafts,
this salesman for oil.

I'll soon fix you!

Throw it in the fire!

The fire? Don't be silly,
that would be a treat for it.

No, what it needs
is a nice icy dip.

A nice deep one.

I'll throw it down the well!

Help! Is there no god here?!

Farewell, you old rascal!

And don't forget my daughter-in-law.
That slut!

Save a spot for her down
on your barbecue!

The devil is dead.

God-all-friggin'-mighty!

Don't worry, false report.
I'm still here.

I love you all too much.

Subtitles by fatplank for kg