Original subtitles

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You can always count on The Onion to get the story.

It's America's finest news source.

And now, The Onion News.

America's finest news source.

Featuring Dana Dobbs, senior correspondent Kip

Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer.

We begin today with news from Detroit, where

automaking giant American Automotive announced a

safety recall of all 2004 cars containing neck belts.

The neck belts, introduced last month in an attempt to

reduce head injuries, have been found to cause crushed

tracheas, severe spinal damage, and violent decapitation.

Today, the U.S.

military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.

You sign up right now.

You get one pair of OzFest tickets and a set of mud flaps for your truck.

Then, after six months of active duty,

you are eligible to receive an ounce of weed.

Sweet.

And at six more months, a bunch more weed.

You're fucking lying.

I get some more weed.

And if you serve a tour of duty during a foreign

conflict, you will receive, upon your discharge, this.

A hot-fitch poster.

Damn it.

Sign me up.

The internet went down for three hours this

morning, plunging the nation into productivity.

The outage, which caused major work startages from New

York to California, prevented an estimated 120 million

American employees from messing around on the web at work.

More on your news after this.

One man must face the ultimate challenge.

Master, how did they defeat me?

They used an ancient technique.

It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.

With this attack, there is no defense.

Master, will you teach me?

You are not yet ready, my son.

I'm ready, Master.

Master?

No, you are not.

You have much to learn.

You, my young pupil, shall become a cock puncher.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, Steven Seagal is Cock Puncher.

Cock puncher from global

tetrahedron pictures

Funny.

Call the Onion News Hotline.

Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.

Hello?

Onion News?

I don't like it!

We're here live with a breaking news story.

Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks.

Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us exactly what happened this morning?

Sure.

I got up.

It was a normal morning.

Kids are downstairs, and my wife's giving them breakfast.

And all of a sudden, you know, I noticed that my good black socks are missing.

Here's your boy, ma'am.

Safe and sound.

Yeah, I didn't know that!

In other news, a local -year-old accidentally

exercised his Second Amendment rights yesterday when

he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle.

The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights

activists as a victory for America and the Constitution.

Nobody move, unless you want your head blown off.

You.

Please, please don't shoot me.

I'll give you however much you want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you think I want money?

You think that's what this is about?

A big angry black man comes walking in waving

a gun, and you assume he's robbing the place?

I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.

I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch.

Excuse me?

You heard me, a motherfucking job.

Don't you see?

If you give me money, that'll just help me in the short term.

But a job, that'll help me develop valuable jobs, skills, and experience.

It's like teaching a man how to fish.

So quit stalling, get your bitch ass back there,

and give me a 40-hour a week position with

vacation pay and benefits, you piece of shit, motherfucker.

And don't make me ask twice.

Back that ass up.

Let's go, let's go.

I can help the next motherfucker person in line.

You in that apricot sweater suit, get your bitch ass on over here now.

How can I help you today?

I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my

savings account, and then I need to withdraw some cash.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just shut the fuck up for a minute.

What the fuck you doing, Lizanne?

You calling the cops?

That's the goddamn cops.

No, I swear, I was just on with an account holder.

I was advising him about transferring.

I'm gonna kill you, bitch.

-Who the fuck is this? -You a cop?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, what I recommend is that you keep at least

500 in your check, and just avoid a minimum balance fee.

And put the rest in our money market,

which will earn you an additional 2% interest.

-Right. -You have a nice day, sir.

My pleasure.

Luzanne, uh, sorry.

My bad.

That's okay.

Honest mistake.

Armed gunman.

I've been watching you, and I must say, I'm impressed.

How'd you like to be our new customer services supervisor?

Oh, Mr. P, it'd be my motherfuckin' honor.

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You know, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one.

I'll get you 8% on that one.

Everybody down there!

Get the fuck down, everybody!

Give me all the money!

Hurry up!

Hurry the fuck up!

What you doing? You playing back there?

Load the bag up with money, and nobody else fucking move.

You hurry up!

Hurry the fuck up!

Load the bag up!

Load the bag up!

You sicken me.

Asking for a handout instead of raising

yourself up out of your situation through hard work.

Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?

According to statistics, 87% of U.S.

citizens are obese, and the Surgeon

General is taking steps to address the problem.

As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in

the U.S., the government has been forced to raise

the definition of obesity from 55% body fat to 90%.

The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans from 200

million to 185 million, was widely applauded from coast to coast.

It's high time the government stepped in and did something about this problem.

I don't want to be obese.

Man, this shit is all fucked up.

In other news, Georgia officials announced plans to add

a swastika and middle finger to the Georgia state flag.

Joe's diet at an unusual Atlanta area eatery was not

based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme.

Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?

Not yet.

He's not going to be happy.

That bugger's got no choice.

Whatever the new parent company says, goes.

Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation,

selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans.

But is this young singer sending the wrong message?

Kip Kendall reports.

Her new album, Come With Me, has gone quadruple platinum.

Made her a household name.

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some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's image in music

are too sexy, setting an inappropriate example for their children.

So what do you say to all the concerned parents out there?

Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about.

My music isn't about sex.

It's about being a girl and having fun.

But clearly the song Down On My Knees, Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?

Ew.

It's about how, like, when you have a big crush on a boy,

sometimes you get down on your knees and, like, beg for their love.

♪

What about your first big hit, Take Me From Behind?

Take Me From Behind isn't sexual at all.

It's about love sneaking up on you, you know?

Like from the behind.

You know, it could be a boyfriend's love

sneaking up on you, or a friend's, or even Jesus Christ.

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let's talk about the song lollipop love lollipop love

is the kind of love that is just really sweet and you

just kind of want to like lick it you know and suck it

Lollipop

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Like a lollipop.

What about the song, Shoot Your Love All Over Me?

That's about how, like, when you're in love...

you just want to be covered in it.

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Clearly, the video seems to tell a different story.

What kind is that?

The kind with a cum shot.

I'm a virgin.

How would I know what a facial is?

Sometimes I like dressing up sexy in my videos,

but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman.

You know, people are always gonna try to tear

you down, but that's their problem, not mine.

Because I know who Melissa Cherry is.

She's just a good old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee.

The Pope condemned three more glands today, bringing the total

number of sinful hormone secretion ducts on the human body to 11.

In international news, relations between Sloravia and

Azmenistan continued to deteriorate when

Azmenistani rebels seized a...

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End of.

Hey, Norm.

Are you OK?

Oh, there goes Norm again.

Go to your tip line.

What do you got?

Oh, hey, Norm.

What's up?

Hey, Norman.

What the hell was that?

We'd, uh, been meaning to talk to you about that, um...

That's Globie.

It's the Global Tetra Eden Penguin.

Yeah, the folks at Global Tetra Eden thought it'd be, you

know, a fun, unobtrusive way to plug the company during the news.

Plus, you've got to admit, he's pretty fucking cute.

Hi, Norm.

Who's the best tanker man in the whole world?

You are.

Come on, Norman.

You've got to get with the times, mate.

These kind of tie-ins are commonplace these days, Norman.

It's called synergy, Norm.

We cannot have a shameless ad for our

parent company running during the newscast.

It's a blatant compromise of our journalistic ethics and integrity.

It's...

Sorry, it's just that, um...

You know what you're saying.

It's a steaming pile of shit, mate.

Norm, listen.

What he's trying to say is it's, uh...

Um...

-It's... -Hilarious.

It's off the wall.

It's rude, crude and uncensored.

It's the very best of Bud Schwartz' celebrity roasts.

Only Ingersoll should get cancer and die.

All the top names in the business turn out to give each other the business.

Jack Norton, you're a fucking asshole.

You'll get all the zingers.

Fuck you.

All the comebacks.

Suck my dick.

For just $19.99, you'll get the full length video of the best

of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast delivered straight to your door.

But wait!

If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in

the second video where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself.

You know what I think you are?

A farting piece of shit.

New tapes will arrive every other month.

Keep only those you like and return the rest for a full refund.

Order today.

I fucked his wife!

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.

Look at the team of westerners.

Oh, boy.

Awesome.

Immoral, western, thief.

Carpenter.

Welcome to the Al-Qataya terrorist team.

This training video will teach you what angry slogans to scream,

how to blend in to a typical American city,

and so much more.

Here are Ahmed and Amman.

They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality is important.

He makes sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site.

Amman leaves everything to the last minute.

Shit.

Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site, so there are no mistakes.

Amman doesn't.

A man dresses properly for work, wearing

clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives.

A man dresses inappropriately.

And don't forget, as a martyr, you'll receive

eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives.

You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72

virgins, 35 US dollars, and a bunch more weed.

So welcome to the Alcataya Terrace Team, where work is truly a blast.

Oh, shit.

Hey guys.

How's it going?

Hey, what took you so long?

I was playing suicide bomber.

Have you heard from Tim tonight at all?

No.

What's up, playas?

Lake Soul Bluff represent!

Yeah!

Show some love, fool!

Hey, Antonio.

Damn!

Little J.

You were looking mad fly, boo.

You feel me?

Sure, Tim.

I just bounced from this mad, crazy, ill party, dude.

I was hanging out with these niggers over in Pleasant Oaks and shit.

You were hanging out with real black people?

No, but they was blasting some crazy fat beats, son.

They was pouring out some Cristal.

Breaking off some endo smoke.

You know what I'm saying?

Just wilding out.

Yeah.

Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos.

Y'all straight?

-Yeah? -All right.

Code 2, code 2, intersection of 12th and Grant.

We have visual confirmation on the suspect.

Uh, this is unit one.

Hit it.

Unit 1, William Ford requesting a 11-41 at the intersection.

And this booty that was like, this is for that!

Yo, what the fuck is this?

Copy that.

It's a 10-49.

What's going on, officers?

Yarn store down the road was just held up by a

young black male fitting your friend's description.

What are you talking about?

It wasn't me.

-No? -It's not you? -No.

Hey, Frank, you see any other young black males here in Lakeshore Bluff?

Don't see any.

What?

In a car, Darkie.

But I'm not black.

I'm white.

My whole family's white.

My dad's Irish.

My mom's Norwegian.

We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church

where I help with the bake sale every Sunday.

Settle down back there, chocolate.

Let's stand right over here.

Don't worry about anything.

Nobody can see you.

Now, I just want you to point to the perpetrator for me.

Him.

That.

Negro.

Okay, thanks.

We can go.

This is Dana Dobbs here at Lakeshore Bluff where any

second now we will hear the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case.

Will the defendant please rise.

Ladies and gentlemen, have you reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We, the jury, find the Negro guilty.

There you have it.

The Negro is guilty.

Welcome to Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber.

Hello.

We are now a good way through the film, so we thought it

would be a good time to get some perspective on it, and

joining us to provide just that are Nicholas von Essen and Raymond Marcus.

Offer us, if you will, your take on how the film is doing thus far.

I'll have to say, Kenneth, that I am very impressed.

Sketch after sketch, we're being treated to a

brilliantly biting skewering of contemporary social mores.

Well, Raymond, what do you think?

I must strenuously disagree.

This is nothing but vulgar, lowbrow potty humor, thinly disguised as satire.

It saddens me that the onion is stooped to this

lowest common denominator, pandering to the masses.

Well, now for a third opinion.

Let's go straight to the source.

We have with us here in the studio a very special guest.

Welcome, masses.

So, what do you think of the film?

It's pretty cool so far, I guess.

That cock punch your dude is awesome.

-Bam! -Right in the balls.

But this part, with these film expert assholes...

I mean, why do you even have these two gay wads in the movie for, anyways?

Bags!

Lose them.

Let's get on with the movie, dude.

Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor of

a cruise aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II.

On the Queen Nathan, there's so much for today's gay man to enjoy.

Shuffleboard.

Exquisite cuisine.

Monster cocks.

Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing.

Work those muscles in our shipboard gym.

Enjoy our world-class spa.

Or take a thrilling Las Vegas-style review.

Yes, whether you want to scuba dive, get blown, or play blackjack in

our glamorous casino, the Queen Nathan II's got what you're looking for.

So, climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.

And now it's time for...

Little-known racial stereotypes.

Yes, everyone knows that Italians are all

mobsters, and Native Americans are all drunks.

But did you know that blacks love taffy?

It's also true that Eskimos run all the locksmith shops.

The Irish have enormous nipples.

And Puerto Ricans can dangle from steel beams for hours at a time.

Damn, that's unbelievable.

How does he do that?

There's a Puerto Rican.

Also, did you know that the Dutch enjoy speaking with telemarketers?

Fee, son?

It's a special credit card offer.

Peruvians love to swoop in and save the day at the last minute.

And they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

And, of course, all Arabs are terrorists.

Ah, stereotypes.

Can you imagine a world without them?

Okay, that must be our final player.

Hi, Julie.

Hi.

Welcome.

Oh, you're so lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Come on in.

Everybody, this is Julie.

Pretty cute, huh?

Have a seat.

So I understand this is your first redundant party?

Ah, you are going to have so much fun.

Okay. With any luck, by the end of the night,

we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed.

Any one of us could be the rapist.

I'm sorry, did you say rapist?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Don't these things usually revolve around murder?

Yeah, Julie, see, we do this every few months, and

frankly, we were getting a little bored with murder, so I

was like, oh, isn't there some other violent crime we can reenact?

And I'm in the store the other day, and I find this.

How fantastic is that?

So anyway, Julie, since you are new, lucky

Julie, you get to be the victim!

Okay?

So why don't you put this on, hop up.

Okay, so here's what's going to happen.

The lights are going to go out, so you lie down on the floor.

We're all going to come running in, but you're

going to be unconscious, so you stay down there.

Don't you think this is a little sick?

Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun.

No one's actually raping anyone.

I mean, you wouldn't have a problem

with the murder mystery game now, would you?

I guess not.

Yeah, so why would you object to a game revolving

around a lesser crime where no one even loses their life?

Well, it's just different.

Oh, it's just, it's just. Come on, guys.

Let's play the game.

Get your cards, okay?

You got that on, sweetie? Okay, get down on the floor, get down on the floor.

Ready for a rapin'?

Shut up!

Stop!

That's my son!

Shut up!

♪

Oh, no, the sweet, innocent young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped.

Lock the door.

No one is leaving until we figure out who did it.

That's excellent.

Who committed this rape?

Hmm?

Was it the creepy uncle?

The handsome young Ivy League fraternity

brother who's used to getting what and who he wants?

Um, the prisoner just released on parole.

That's me.

Or the vaguely hermaphroditic night nurse

from the senior center just down the block?

It's so creepy.

Okay, come on, let's play.

I was with my wife.

Besides, that bitch has been making up stories since she was four.

You can't believe anything she says.

I have 22 fraternity brothers who will vouch that I was with them.

Oh, I bet you do.

Okay, time to spin.

Whoa, Julie, I know this is your first time, but you're not acting very raped.

Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up.

You've just been raped.

Yeah, the rapist shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat.

-I'm... -I'm leaving.

What?

Where are you going?

-Come... -Julie! -What?

Now what?

I guess you guys are just going to have to rape me.

Taffy?

God, fucking blacks!

Oh!

The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today

when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S.

borders to a single room in Iowa.

Traffic was backed up from Nevada all the way

to Iowa as smokers tried to get to the lounge.

Move the car, you old fucking bitch!

Smokers from across the country are making the long

journey to the 10x10 Smokers Lounge in Des Moines, Iowa.

I drove all the way from San Francisco

just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break.

I'm supposed to be back at work in 10 minutes.

It's a 37-hour drive.

It's fucking bullshit.

In legal news, a judge has declared local aerobics

instructor and accused murderer Jennifer Porter too fit to stand trial.

Judge Edward Conlon said that the suspect, with her

washboard abs and powerful leg muscles, is of too

sound body to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover.

According to a new medical study, depression hits losers hardest.

The study found that extreme, debilitating depression most commonly

afflicts those who are total screw-ups, who can't do anything right.

♪

Oh.

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waist.

Oh, yeah,

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From Mobile Tech News and Pictures, Steven Seagal.

Hey, welcome to Vault Village.

My name's Dirk.

What can I help you find today?

Hey, Dirk.

Um, my computer, it's a few years old, and I feel like I'm ready for a new one.

I got just the thing.

The Bates 4000.

Absolute cutting edge.

These babies came in on Tuesday.

They're Pac-Man.

80Gs of RAM.

We're talking a quad-port 900 processor.

DVK-compatible memory card.

Dual-burning DVD drives.

Plus a 16,000 CTC combo drive

with a plus-four digital upgrade card.

This will knock the shit out of your ass.

Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple home computer.

I know.

Your wife has you by the purse strings.

But you know what?

This is the Bates 4000.

It doesn't get any better than this.

It's not going anywhere.

This is the future.

Well, I have the Bates 1000, and that works.

Oh, excuse me. You have the Bates 1000.

Oh, that's great.

Fuck, man.

Wow. You know, maybe you should tell it to a

homeless woman outside, because maybe she'll be impressed.

Those things are barbaric.

I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it.

I'm joking, of course.

But look, this is the future.

You get my point?

-Yeah. -Okay? -Let's write you up.

All right.

Let's do it.

All right, my friend.

Wow, honey, are you sure we need such a fancy one?

Kid, this thing's got a quad-port 900

processor and a 16,000 CTD combo drive with...

Dude, you're not still using the Bates 4000, are you?

That thing's ancient.

Really?

Really.

You gotta get you one of these.

The Bates...

absolute cutting-edge.

Wow, that is newer.

The new Bates 5000.

Throw your 4000 away.

It's a piece of shit.

This is Hard Drive How, your computer expert.

My guest today is Bates' CEO, Gil Bates.

He's here to talk about perhaps the most

powerful machine ever built, the Bates 6000.

And it's available in stores right now.

Hey, I just dropped off the shipment of the Bates 7000s.

Now what do you want me to do with the leftover 6000s?

6000s?

Throw them in the fucking garbage where they belong.

That's right.

Twice the memory capacity of the 8000.

Hang on.

Come in.

Hi.

Bates was 42.

In other news, after a six-month stint at the Betty

King Clinic, actor Bryce Brand finally returned home today.

That's right, Norm.

I'm here outside superstar Bryce Brand's

Hollywood Hills mansion, where at any moment

he's due to return from his stay at the Betty King Clinic.

Bryce!

Bobby, baby, Bobby, baby, Bobby, baby.

I'm back!

You look great.

I cannot tell you how good I feel now that

I'm off the drugs and high on life.

Hey, that's what they're saying.

Man, was I a mess.

But all that's changed now that I'm clean and sober.

You know, I never knew how amazing life can be without the haze of drugs.

It's just the little things, like...

Smelling flowers.

We're watching the sunset.

We're just walking along the beach.

You know, these things get me way higher than drugs ever could.

That's great, um, Bryce.

So we have got a lot of catching up to do with your career.

Now, I brought a script.

It is fantastic.

Actually, your part is comedic.

Uh, sort of a wisecracking.

This caramel is so amazing.

It is blowing my mind, man.

Smell this.

No, thank you, though.

Um, back to the script.

Again, it took a lot to get this.

One thing sobriety has taught me is that you have

to take time out to enjoy life's little pleasures.

Can you put the tea down for a second?

Bryce.

Oh, my God.

-Bryce. -Oh, my God.

The nation's rapidly growing prison population, which recently

passed the 20 million mark, has created a severe overcrowding problem.

In an attempt to alleviate the overcrowding, the

government announced today that a random selection of U.S.

households will be asked to take prisoners into their homes.

Hi.

Uh, I'm Dick.

This is my wife, Sarah.

This is our daughter, Allie.

And this is our son, Bobby.

He's 10.

Welcome to our home.

What's up?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Don't drop this shit on me, bitch.

What the fuck are you doing?

Don't just stand there.

Get your man something to drink.

Damn, it's good to see some women.

Mm-mm.

Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo works.

Lights out, guys.

If successful, another 20 ,000 prisoners will be

moved to suburban homes by the first of next month.

♪

Hello, and welcome once again to Focus on Film.

I'm Kenneth Garber, and I'm joined by Kwame Roberts,

president of the National Coalition of African Americans,

and James Nakatomi, director of the Asian American Alliance for Equality.

Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.

Your organization is not pleased with

this film's depiction of African Americans.

Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth.

We are just about halfway through the film, and we've

yet to see a dignified portrayal of a person of color.

So far, we've only been shown as vicious criminals or sex fiends.

Just take a look at that last sketch.

So what specifically is your group demanding?

Either the filmmakers put a positive black role

model on that screen in the next ten minutes, or we

will be organizing a nationwide walkout of black moviegoers.

That means every single African American

currently watching this film will exit the theater.

Mr. Nakatomi, you are equally unhappy.

Thus far, there are maybe one or, at the

most, two, three Asian faces in the film.

How do you feel about such gross underrepresentation?

Me no likey.

Excuse me?

Me no likey.

And...

back to the film.

In legal news, local-year-old Joey Frankel is suing

for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

Frankel, an employee at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix, alleged that

during his three years there, not a single female coworker made

inappropriate sexual advances toward him, either verbal or physical.

In other news, health officials have confirmed that a

potentially deadly airborne virus has been spreading

across eastern Canada and is now moving south toward the coast of...

Good night.

Hey, Norm.

Okay.

Oh, there goes Norm again.

Holy piss.

I got you a Timberline.

What do you got?

All right, listen to me.

Hi, Norm. Our job isn't to advertise our

parent company's movie via goddamn Penguin.

Our job is to deliver to the American people fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.

In this crazy world, The Onion may be the

only news source that people can truly trust.

Don't be so naive, Norm.

This is a business.

Listen, I know you're not going to want to hear this,

but the suits at Global Tetrahedron want you to open

up Friday's broadcast with a slightly different lead story.

But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Saravia as

a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region.

But it's also the day that Cockpuncher opens.

I mean, this Azmenistani, Gaz, sloppy,

grand thing, it's all well and good, right?

But it's a million miles away.

Nobody gives a fuck about it.

The more important news story right now is Cockpuncher mania.

It's sweeping the nation.

And it better sweep your newscast Friday.

Take a bite.

You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch.

I made that last one.

InstaDog is

whorish corporate clubs.

I'm a newsman, Temps.

No!

I don't think you have a ball.

I cannot wait for Friday.

Excuse me, sir.

What can I get you?

No, thank you.

I don't drink or use drugs, for that matter.

No, I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library.

Um, two blocks down and left on second.

Thank you very much.

You have a wonderful evening.

Thank you, you have a wonderful day.

Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot?

Call Cosmin's, the penis people.

We've been the Tri-County area's penis retrieval experts for 64 years.

We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95.

That's my personal guarantee.

So don't just sit there hoping that your

penis will somehow magically free itself.

Call Cosmin's.

They've got my penis out.

They've got my penis out.

They've got my penis out.

They've got all our penises out!

Cosmin's, the penis people.

This week's campaign is gonna rule.

I can't wait for the assault on Castle Dragonflame.

I know. It's gonna be super totally awesome.

I have a third-level elven cleric.

Can't wait to pit against my foes.

Yeah, well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome.

Look who just showed up.

♪

we stumbled upon here?

Oh, shit.

Dare you challenge the might of Proteus the Invincible?

I see there are some beardless saplings with

us this afternoon who have ne'er tasted my blade.

This douchebag burns everything.

Prepare for total devastation.

The magical wizardry, expert chaos techniques, and

incomparable equipment roster of Proteus the

Invincible will make short work of all pretenders to the throne.

Okay, Lyle, how's about letting some of

the younger guys have a chance today, okay?

When it comes to wizards and werebeasts, I

expect no quarter, and none shall be given.

Now that I have readied my provisions

for the day's foray into the fairy realms.

Let the slaughter begin

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None remain standing before me.

All have fallen before the might of my broadsword.

Ha-ha!

Hope you're happy, Lyle.

You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club.

What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak?

They shall bow before my wrath.

In the realm of fantasy, only the strong shall survive to conquer another day.

Alas, the day's adventuring is now done

and I must take the number two bus back home.

If only I could live in the world of fantasy

forever, instead of being forced to put up with

this Benell realm and its silly, weak-minded mortals.

Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of wizards

and war beasts, ruling the land as a mighty

conqueror, smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty broadsword.

Who do you see in this room?

What?

Who goes there?

It is I, Giygax, Demon of the Astral Plane.

Never before have I seen your equal in the worlds that play this game.

What's going on?

Guys?

I have chosen to grant your wish, Cody Stevenson.

Come forth into the land of legend.

Where am I?

♪

♪

Where am I?

Prepare to piss thyself you

No, no, no, no, no, no, please.

After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles,

basketball star DeShante Jackson had harsh words for the Lord.

I'd like to put the blame on God tonight for not blessing me

with the talent to hit the game-winning three-pointer tonight.

You know, without him, I would truly be going to the playoffs.

Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me!

In news from our nation's capital, a group of Alzheimer's disease

sufferers marched on Washington today demanding a cure for pancakes.

Until this tea kettle is cured, there

will never be enough bread in the laundry!

Karate!

Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.

Did you know that all over the world there are

millions of children living in extreme poverty?

For more than 40 years the What About the Children Foundation has

been making a difference in the lives of kids throughout the third world.

And so can you by adopting a What About the

Children sponsor child, but don't take my word for it.

Take Deebo's.

Hello, I am Deebo.

Thanks to What About the Children, Deebo has seen his standard of

living soar well above the level of his pathetic, poverty-stricken village.

The What About the Children Foundation is able

to provide a child like Deebo with some of the

little things in life we so often take for granted.

Like electricity, fresh drinking water, indoor plumbing, a 42-inch

plasma screen television, the latest Sony PlayStation video game, 1

,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, a subscription to the Wall

Street Journal, and selections from Marc Jacobs Men's Spring Collection.

It's your own fucked up family!

Thank goodness they've become except your

security system to keep these animals out.

Thank you Debo It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile

In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lakeshore Bluff where

a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanahan trial.

Dana, what's the latest on the situation?

Well Norm, as you can see, I'm here outside the First

District federal courthouse where this angry mob of

Negroes is rioting over the guilty verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case.

We will keep you posted.

Thanks, Jada.

Thank you, Norm.

Those crazy Negroes.

Enter.

Pardon me, General.

Your meeting's about to start.

No.

So as you can see, Generals, Defco Amalgamated's M47 Jumpin' Johnny

landmine earned a triple-A rating in field trials and boasts a 98%

kill-through ratio, making it the best landmine for the government's dollar.

I don't know.

Nah.

We're gonna pass.

Thanks anyway.

FUCK FUCK

Fuck.

You call yourself a salesman?

We spent $400 billion in the company's money

developing these landmines for the military.

You better find a way to unload these things.

Tired of back-breaking yard work?

Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny.

Jumpin' Johnny blasts weeds to pieces.

Frags, ragweeds.

Crabgrass, dandelions.

Rabbits, raccoons.

Even elephants.

So what are you waiting for?

Get Jumpin' Johnny today.

It's now time for our weekly inspirational portrait.

This week, the Brendan LaRue story.

Brendan LaRue's story is one of dreams.

As a young boy, he wanted to become a

dancer, but at the age of 12, he lost his legs.

Now, this would be a setback for any youngster, but not Brendan, who

set his eyes on being a surgeon, until, at age 14, he lost his wrists.

Without my wrists, there was nothing to keep my hands attached

to my arms, so even though my hands were fine, I lost them, too.

Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and

legs as the other boys, but there was one dream he

didn't let go of, becoming a professional hockey player.

At first, the other players treated him fairly.

But after seeing all the attention that Brendan was getting, he became jealous.

The special treatment stopped.

Brendan toughed it out in the minors for two brutal

years, but it all paid off when he finally got the call.

The coach said, how would you like to be

pro hockey's first legless, handless player?

It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration.

But then, two days later, Brendan found out that

his ribcage was backwards, leaving his spine

exposed, and that he needed a complete muscle transplant.

The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.

Brendan came back better than ever.

Brendan persevered and was selected for MVP.

But just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed,

Brendan contracted scurvy, went bankrupt, and his wife was eaten by wolves.

He was also molested by his Uncle Jerry.

Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many

athletes who never would have been given a chance if

he hadn't broken down pro sports physical ability barrier.

Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral palsy

sufferer and three-time national equestrian champ.

Blind stock car driver, Bobby Templeton.

Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors.

Gil Saarinen, the world's first professional comatose diver.

And, of course, Chicago shooting guard Herbie

Cohn, who was born with Judaism.

Yes, none of it would have been possible without Brendan LaRue.

A true inspirational portrait.

In adult entertainment industry news the nation's porn stars

gathered today in Los Angeles in a unified demand for stronger more

intense sexual intercourse Fuck me with your big cock, give it to me harder

Calling the tragedy a terrible unintentional mistake The Los

Angeles Police Department issued an apology today for the

accidental shooting clubbing, stabbing, firebombing, choking,

impaling, electrocution, lethal injection death of an

African-American man I'm Kip Kendall reporting for The Onion

News As the conflict between Slaravia and Ismanistan deepens

college campuses across this country have become a hotbed of

political activity We're here in Santa Cruz,

California today Let's listen in Stop the violence

Increase the peace!

For the past three years, Sloravia and Azministan,

they've been locked in a pointless and bloody war.

Their cowardly leaders sent innocent young men into battle to die.

Well, you know what?

We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out!

And you know what else, what these countries need to do, what

they need to do, they need to listen to their women a little more.

Because women, women create life.

Why, men, they destroy it.

So let's all stand up against the corporate war

machine that only exists to do the imperialist

agenda against the, the oppressed minority, right?

Love you brother.

Peace.

One love.

Excuse me, Chad.

What's up?

We're at the UN.

And let me just say, we are very impressed.

What you set up there was dead on, Chad.

Dead on.

What?

We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azministan.

Shut up, dude.

We're convinced you're the man who can

finally bring peace to this troubled region.

Will you do it, Chad?

Will you help us increase the peace?

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, dude, I'm in.

Ray, would you come with me, please?

Your systematic campaign of aggression against my country is the...

Our military operations are purely in

response to your repeated violation of the treaty.

You are the one to violate the peace treaty.

-We? -You are lying to me.

Don't speak Russian to me.

You are lying to me. I speak Ukrainian, not Russian.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Guys, guys, chill.

Chill.

Let's take a chill pill here.

Don't you guys realize that war, no matter

how justified it may seem, it's not the answer?

It's not?

Nah, man.

Love is the answer.

Now, let's get this peace shit started.

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What are you mumbling about, man?

Wait a minute.

I'll wait a minute if it won't last as long as we waited when your...

You're so nervous.

Wait a minute.

How can I not be nervous?

First you bought my country.

Now you say, give it to me.

You're as crazy as you are.

But my people can read, they can read 51 percent.

Oh my God, but I didn't cut 200,000 of my people in the last...

And you know what?

In international news, the crisis between Slovenia and

Azmenistan deepened today when the leaders of the two rival nations...

I do what I do.

Mm, thanks.

Sorry.

Oh, God!

Tomorrow is the deadline for Slorovia to pull out of the Uzbekiak region.

If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation.

Cockpunch Mania

♪

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Two minutes, Norm.

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The Onion News, America's finest news

source, featuring Dana Dawes,

senior correspondent Kim Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer.

For the past 27 years, I've sat at this desk, dedicating

myself to one thing, delivering the news to you, the

American viewing public, in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible.

What's he doing?

Well, things are changing in the news game,

and I've been under pressure to change with them.

The powers that be at this network have done

everything they can to get me to compromise my values.

So what do they want me to do?

Plug our parent company's movies and other

products like a two-bit network news whore?

Motherfucker.

Well, I've been giving this whole ugly business a

lot of thought, and just a few moments before

going on the air tonight, I finally came to a conclusion.

And that conclusion is...

Nobody move, or the anchor infidel dies!

The Al-Qhutaiyah terrorist organization officially

declares war on the decadent, immoral United States of Satan.

We shit on your country!

And piss also!

On live television, the American people will watch

this great spreader of Western lies get blown to bits.

the United States government formally

apologizes for its rotting immoral culture.

Like that's gonna happen.

Are you listening, Mr. President?

We might be fucked, sir.

We will do it.

We will kill him right here if you do not meet our demands.

I don't think you have the balls.

Cock puncher!

Ahmed, it is the mighty puncher of cocks.

♪

I'm hungry.

I could sure go for a sundae top with crushed nuts.

Yummy.

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Woo! Got you!

♪

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I believe you'll be releasing Norm now.

Not so fast, cock puncher.

Those clever terrorists, they block their cocks.

Maybe I can be of some assistance.

Hit it, boys!

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What the fuck is going on?

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Your immoral Western sexuality will not work on us.

Mr. President, the time has come to give in to our demands.

If we do not hear from you in ten seconds, we will kill everyone in the studio.

We might be fucked, sir.

Ten!

Nine!

Oh!

That's so rotten.

Peruvians.

Daddy, what's a Peruvian?

It's kind of like a Mexican sign.

Viva Peru!

Que viva.

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And Capunchero amigo, your balls are his.

♪

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You know, Amon, violence is almost never necessary.

I admit, I've punched thousands upon thousands

of cocks in my life, but I've never killed anyone.

Because no matter what your religion might be, no

matter what your politics might be, no matter how much

money's involved, there's never any reason to take human life.

Human life is the most precious thing there is.

Fuckin' A, man.

That's some cool shit, man.

You know what?

You are absolutely right, cock-puncher.

Violence is not the answer.

Terrorism never solved anything.

To hell with terrorism!

Yeah!

Yeah.

I'm sick and tired of living in a fucking cave.

I'm sick of doing nothing but cursing the West all day.

Jesus H.

Allah!

I like the West!

God bless America.

I like TV.

And I like-double-cheeseburgers.

And I like the rapping music.

But most of all, I like

this big-budget blockbuster action hero.

Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!

Hey Norm, crazy shit, huh?

Look, with all due respect, we just wanted to ask, uh...

what were you gonna say during your speech?

Yeah, we were wondering what the conclusion that you came to was.

Well, I was going to say, I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

But after what just happened, I think I've

learned a little lesson I won't soon forget.

As a matter of fact, I think we've all

learned a few things in the past 90 minutes.

We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples.

We've learned that film critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads.

And most of all, we've learned...

that creeping corporate influence over the news...

protects us from terrorism.

Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid.

I can't help but think it must have taken a

lot of courage to make such a provocative film.

And joining us to discuss just that is the man who greenlit the film.

Thanks, Kenneth.

Pleasure to be here.

So, uh, now while you gave the makers of this

film tremendous leeway, obviously, still there

was some material that you simply refused to allow?

That's true.

Basically, as committed as I was to letting these

guys be free to do their thing, there were simply

some images that I just didn't feel comfortable with.

Mm-hmm. But I understand you did bring some clips.

That's right. I would like to show some special bonus material.

These are scenes that didn't make it into the movie.

Great.

Let's take a look.

So what we do is we get the kitty, and we put it in a simple egg batter.

Okay, shh, that's fine.

And then we just simply roll it around, making sure we cover the whole thing.

-It's all right, baby. -It's okay.

Completely cover it in an herbed breadcrumb batter here.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, excuse me.

Canola oil.

You know, I think you have to draw a line somewhere.

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For The Onion News, this is Norm Archer.

Fuck you, and good night.