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♪
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♪
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♪
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You can always count on The
Onion to get the story.
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00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:40,240
It's America's finest news source.
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00:00:42,359 --> 00:00:44,500
And now, The Onion News.
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00:00:44,939 --> 00:00:46,659
America's finest news source.
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00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,219
Featuring Dana Dobbs, senior
correspondent Kip
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00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:56,039
Kendall, and award-winning
anchor Norm Archer.
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00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:59,780
We begin today with news
from Detroit, where
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00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:02,560
automaking giant American
Automotive announced a
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00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:06,620
safety recall of all 2004 cars
containing neck belts.
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00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:09,859
The neck belts, introduced last
month in an attempt to
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00:01:09,859 --> 00:01:12,799
reduce head injuries, have been
found to cause crushed
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tracheas, severe spinal damage,
and violent decapitation.
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00:01:24,099 --> 00:01:25,180
Today, the U.S.
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military announced an innovative
new plan to draw new recruits.
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You sign up right now.
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00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:36,939
You get one pair of OzFest tickets and
a set of mud flaps for your truck.
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Then, after six months of active duty,
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you are eligible to receive
an ounce of weed.
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Sweet.
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And at six more months,
a bunch more weed.
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You're fucking lying.
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I get some more weed.
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And if you serve a tour of
duty during a foreign
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conflict, you will receive,
upon your discharge, this.
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A hot-fitch poster.
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Damn it.
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Sign me up.
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The internet went down
for three hours this
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morning, plunging the nation
into productivity.
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The outage, which caused major
work startages from New
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York to California, prevented
an estimated 120 million
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American employees from messing
around on the web at work.
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More on your news after this.
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One man must face the
ultimate challenge.
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Master, how did they defeat me?
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They used an ancient technique.
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It strikes at the very core
of a warrior's strength.
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With this attack, there is no defense.
46
00:03:02,409 --> 00:03:04,090
Master, will you teach me?
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You are not yet ready, my son.
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I'm ready, Master.
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Master?
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No, you are not.
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00:03:12,289 --> 00:03:13,590
You have much to learn.
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00:03:15,949 --> 00:03:20,590
You, my young pupil, shall
become a cock puncher.
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00:03:21,129 --> 00:03:26,409
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is Cock Puncher.
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00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:46,590
Cock puncher from global
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00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:47,670
tetrahedron pictures
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Funny.
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Call the Onion News Hotline.
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Honey, I cannot find my
good black socks.
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Hello?
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Onion News?
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I don't like it!
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00:04:32,949 --> 00:04:34,829
We're here live with a
breaking news story.
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Apparently, a local area man has
misplaced his black socks.
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Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?
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Sure.
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I got up.
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It was a normal morning.
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Kids are downstairs, and my wife's
giving them breakfast.
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And all of a sudden, you know, I noticed
that my good black socks are missing.
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Here's your boy, ma'am.
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Safe and sound.
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Yeah, I didn't know that!
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In other news, a local
-year-old accidentally
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00:05:12,639 --> 00:05:15,660
exercised his Second Amendment
rights yesterday when
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00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:18,720
he blew off his head with his father's
semi-automatic rifle.
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The fatal incident is being
hailed by gun rights
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activists as a victory for America
and the Constitution.
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Nobody move, unless you want
your head blown off.
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You.
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00:05:36,009 --> 00:05:37,790
Please, please don't shoot me.
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I'll give you however much you want.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you
think I want money?
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You think that's what this is about?
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A big angry black man comes
walking in waving
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a gun, and you assume he's
robbing the place?
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I ain't looking for no
goddamn handout.
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I'm looking for a motherfucking
job, bitch.
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Excuse me?
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You heard me, a motherfucking job.
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Don't you see?
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If you give me money, that'll just
help me in the short term.
92
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:06,829
But a job, that'll help me develop valuable
jobs, skills, and experience.
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00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:08,829
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
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00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,629
So quit stalling, get your
bitch ass back there,
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and give me a 40-hour
a week position with
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vacation pay and benefits, you
piece of shit, motherfucker.
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And don't make me ask twice.
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Back that ass up.
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Let's go, let's go.
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I can help the next motherfucker
person in line.
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You in that apricot sweater suit, get
your bitch ass on over here now.
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00:06:30,689 --> 00:06:31,689
How can I help you today?
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00:06:32,449 --> 00:06:34,990
I'd like to deposit this
check, please, into my
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savings account, and then I need
to withdraw some cash.
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00:06:36,870 --> 00:06:38,810
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just shut
the fuck up for a minute.
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00:06:40,689 --> 00:06:41,970
What the fuck you doing, Lizanne?
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You calling the cops?
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That's the goddamn cops.
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00:06:45,870 --> 00:06:47,829
No, I swear, I was just on
with an account holder.
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00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:48,970
I was advising him about transferring.
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I'm gonna kill you, bitch.
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-Who the fuck is this?
-You a cop?
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Mm-hmm.
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00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,629
Yeah, well, what I recommend
is that you keep at least
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00:06:56,629 --> 00:06:58,930
500 in your check, and just avoid
a minimum balance fee.
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And put the rest in our money market,
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00:07:00,590 --> 00:07:02,250
which will earn you an additional
2% interest.
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00:07:02,449 --> 00:07:03,870
-Right.
-You have a nice day, sir.
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My pleasure.
120
00:07:07,709 --> 00:07:09,429
Luzanne, uh, sorry.
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My bad.
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That's okay.
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Honest mistake.
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Armed gunman.
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I've been watching you, and
I must say, I'm impressed.
126
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How'd you like to be our new customer
services supervisor?
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00:07:24,729 --> 00:07:27,849
Oh, Mr. P, it'd be my
motherfuckin' honor.
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00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:33,500
♪
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♪
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00:07:51,199 --> 00:07:53,599
You know, we're gonna get you an annuity
for 12 years on that one.
131
00:07:53,819 --> 00:07:54,979
I'll get you 8% on that one.
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Everybody down there!
133
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Get the fuck down, everybody!
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Give me all the money!
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Hurry up!
136
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:01,959
Hurry the fuck up!
137
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,439
What you doing? You playing
back there?
138
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Load the bag up with money, and
nobody else fucking move.
139
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:07,800
You hurry up!
140
00:08:07,899 --> 00:08:08,919
Hurry the fuck up!
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00:08:09,199 --> 00:08:10,199
Load the bag up!
142
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,360
Load the bag up!
143
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,280
You sicken me.
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00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,759
Asking for a handout
instead of raising
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00:08:19,759 --> 00:08:22,520
yourself up out of your situation
through hard work.
146
00:08:23,620 --> 00:08:25,740
Why don't you get a job
like the rest of us?
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00:08:29,990 --> 00:08:33,129
According to statistics, 87% of U.S.
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00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:35,750
citizens are obese, and the Surgeon
149
00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:38,149
General is taking steps to
address the problem.
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As a result of the rampant
spread of obesity in
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the U.S., the government has
been forced to raise
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00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:48,569
the definition of obesity from
55% body fat to 90%.
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00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:52,009
The move, which reduces the number
of obese Americans from 200
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00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:56,909
million to 185 million, was widely
applauded from coast to coast.
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It's high time the government stepped in
and did something about this problem.
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00:09:01,090 --> 00:09:02,450
I don't want to be obese.
157
00:09:02,789 --> 00:09:04,330
Man, this shit is all fucked up.
158
00:09:05,110 --> 00:09:08,009
In other news, Georgia officials
announced plans to add
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00:09:08,009 --> 00:09:11,450
a swastika and middle finger
to the Georgia state flag.
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00:09:12,569 --> 00:09:16,909
Joe's diet at an unusual Atlanta
area eatery was not
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00:09:16,909 --> 00:09:20,289
based around any sports, music,
or movie-based theme.
162
00:09:21,330 --> 00:09:22,970
Have you spoken to Norm
about the changes?
163
00:09:23,210 --> 00:09:24,210
Not yet.
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He's not going to be happy.
165
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That bugger's got no choice.
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00:09:27,269 --> 00:09:30,889
Whatever the new parent
company says, goes.
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00:09:32,669 --> 00:09:35,889
Melissa Cherry is America's
biggest pop sensation,
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selling millions of records to
her legions of teenage fans.
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00:09:40,569 --> 00:09:43,789
But is this young singer sending
the wrong message?
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00:09:44,789 --> 00:09:46,090
Kip Kendall reports.
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Her new album, Come With Me, has
gone quadruple platinum.
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Made her a household name.
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♪
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♪
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♪
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00:10:05,459 --> 00:10:09,359
some concerned parents think Melissa
Cherry's image in music
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00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:13,259
are too sexy, setting an inappropriate
example for their children.
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00:10:13,599 --> 00:10:17,399
So what do you say to all the
concerned parents out there?
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00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:21,779
Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
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My music isn't about sex.
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It's about being a girl
and having fun.
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00:10:28,319 --> 00:10:32,699
But clearly the song Down On My Knees,
Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?
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00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:34,299
Ew.
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00:10:34,519 --> 00:10:37,879
It's about how, like, when you
have a big crush on a boy,
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00:10:38,319 --> 00:10:42,019
sometimes you get down on your knees
and, like, beg for their love.
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♪
187
00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:52,140
What about your first big hit,
Take Me From Behind?
188
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:56,160
Take Me From Behind isn't
sexual at all.
189
00:10:56,379 --> 00:11:00,080
It's about love sneaking
up on you, you know?
190
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,759
Like from the behind.
191
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:03,580
You know, it could be
a boyfriend's love
192
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:08,120
sneaking up on you, or a friend's,
or even Jesus Christ.
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00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:14,000
♪
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00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:19,250
♪
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00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:24,500
♪
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00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,399
♪
197
00:11:27,399 --> 00:11:28,459
♪
198
00:11:28,459 --> 00:11:32,000
♪
199
00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:38,149
let's talk about the song lollipop
love lollipop love
200
00:11:38,149 --> 00:11:44,109
is the kind of love that is
just really sweet and you
201
00:11:44,109 --> 00:11:48,049
just kind of want to like lick
it you know and suck it
202
00:11:50,959 --> 00:11:51,959
Lollipop
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00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:01,500
♪
204
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:04,750
♪
205
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:09,350
♪
206
00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:10,350
Like a lollipop.
207
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,920
What about the song, Shoot
Your Love All Over Me?
208
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,860
That's about how, like,
when you're in love...
209
00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:22,980
you just want to be covered in it.
210
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:28,500
♪
211
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,720
♪
212
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,500
♪
213
00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:37,259
Clearly, the video seems to
tell a different story.
214
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:38,780
What kind is that?
215
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:42,320
The kind with a cum shot.
216
00:12:42,379 --> 00:12:43,379
I'm a virgin.
217
00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:45,060
How would I know what a facial is?
218
00:12:46,379 --> 00:12:48,600
Sometimes I like dressing
up sexy in my videos,
219
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,180
but that's just my way of celebrating
being a woman.
220
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,620
You know, people are always
gonna try to tear
221
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,620
you down, but that's their
problem, not mine.
222
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:59,379
Because I know who Melissa Cherry is.
223
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,140
She's just a good old-fashioned country
girl from Monroe, Tennessee.
224
00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:13,190
The Pope condemned three more glands
today, bringing the total
225
00:13:13,190 --> 00:13:18,310
number of sinful hormone secretion
ducts on the human body to 11.
226
00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:23,430
In international news, relations
between Sloravia and
227
00:13:23,430 --> 00:13:27,730
Azmenistan continued
to deteriorate when
228
00:13:28,450 --> 00:13:31,810
Azmenistani rebels seized a...
229
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:37,000
♪
230
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,500
♪
231
00:13:42,450 --> 00:13:43,450
End of.
232
00:13:49,399 --> 00:13:50,399
Hey, Norm.
233
00:13:50,419 --> 00:13:51,419
Are you OK?
234
00:13:51,799 --> 00:13:52,819
Oh, there goes Norm again.
235
00:14:05,649 --> 00:14:06,909
Go to your tip line.
236
00:14:07,189 --> 00:14:08,189
What do you got?
237
00:14:12,899 --> 00:14:13,919
Oh, hey, Norm.
238
00:14:14,139 --> 00:14:15,139
What's up?
239
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,360
Hey, Norman.
240
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:18,679
What the hell was that?
241
00:14:21,620 --> 00:14:25,039
We'd, uh, been meaning to talk
to you about that, um...
242
00:14:25,039 --> 00:14:26,039
That's Globie.
243
00:14:26,539 --> 00:14:28,000
It's the Global Tetra Eden Penguin.
244
00:14:29,039 --> 00:14:31,759
Yeah, the folks at Global Tetra
Eden thought it'd be, you
245
00:14:31,759 --> 00:14:34,620
know, a fun, unobtrusive way to plug
the company during the news.
246
00:14:35,659 --> 00:14:37,600
Plus, you've got to admit,
he's pretty fucking cute.
247
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:39,919
Hi, Norm.
248
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,100
Who's the best tanker man
in the whole world?
249
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:43,460
You are.
250
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,100
Come on, Norman.
251
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,500
You've got to get with
the times, mate.
252
00:14:48,379 --> 00:14:50,519
These kind of tie-ins are commonplace
these days, Norman.
253
00:14:51,019 --> 00:14:52,139
It's called synergy, Norm.
254
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,019
We cannot have a shameless ad for our
255
00:14:57,019 --> 00:15:00,059
parent company running
during the newscast.
256
00:15:00,519 --> 00:15:05,000
It's a blatant compromise of our journalistic
ethics and integrity.
257
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,139
It's...
258
00:15:07,879 --> 00:15:10,100
Sorry, it's just that, um...
259
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,539
You know what you're saying.
260
00:15:12,799 --> 00:15:14,539
It's a steaming pile of shit, mate.
261
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:17,740
Norm, listen.
262
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,220
What he's trying to say is it's, uh...
263
00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:22,879
Um...
264
00:15:23,039 --> 00:15:24,100
-It's...
-Hilarious.
265
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,519
It's off the wall.
266
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:28,360
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
267
00:15:28,919 --> 00:15:32,679
It's the very best of Bud Schwartz'
celebrity roasts.
268
00:15:32,679 --> 00:15:36,220
Only Ingersoll should
get cancer and die.
269
00:15:38,139 --> 00:15:42,179
All the top names in the business turn
out to give each other the business.
270
00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:44,559
Jack Norton, you're a fucking asshole.
271
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,019
You'll get all the zingers.
272
00:15:47,259 --> 00:15:48,259
Fuck you.
273
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:51,480
All the comebacks.
274
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:52,899
Suck my dick.
275
00:15:58,549 --> 00:16:02,370
For just $19.99, you'll get the
full length video of the best
276
00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:05,129
of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast delivered
straight to your door.
277
00:16:05,329 --> 00:16:06,329
But wait!
278
00:16:06,329 --> 00:16:09,250
If you order by credit card in the
next 15 minutes, we'll throw in
279
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:13,509
the second video where the stars turn
the tables and roast Bud himself.
280
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,309
You know what I think you are?
281
00:16:15,529 --> 00:16:17,389
A farting piece of shit.
282
00:16:19,309 --> 00:16:20,990
New tapes will arrive
every other month.
283
00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:24,409
Keep only those you like and return
the rest for a full refund.
284
00:16:24,849 --> 00:16:25,949
Order today.
285
00:16:26,509 --> 00:16:28,629
I fucked his wife!
286
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:44,620
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.
287
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,440
Look at the team of westerners.
288
00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:58,610
Oh, boy.
289
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,520
Awesome.
290
00:17:12,809 --> 00:17:14,690
Immoral, western, thief.
291
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:15,950
Carpenter.
292
00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:27,340
Welcome to the Al-Qataya
terrorist team.
293
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:31,440
This training video will teach you
what angry slogans to scream,
294
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,780
how to blend in to a typical
American city,
295
00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:40,460
and so much more.
296
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,400
Here are Ahmed and Amman.
297
00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:46,200
They may be brothers, but they
couldn't be more different.
298
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,560
Ahmed knows punctuality is important.
299
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,980
He makes sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
300
00:17:55,829 --> 00:17:58,470
Amman leaves everything
to the last minute.
301
00:17:58,670 --> 00:17:59,670
Shit.
302
00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:04,789
Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing
site, so there are no mistakes.
303
00:18:05,549 --> 00:18:06,630
Amman doesn't.
304
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,240
A man dresses properly
for work, wearing
305
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,660
clothing that is loose enough
to hide his explosives.
306
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,400
A man dresses inappropriately.
307
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,759
And don't forget, as a martyr,
you'll receive
308
00:18:24,759 --> 00:18:29,180
eternal life in paradise for you
and 100 of your relatives.
309
00:18:29,559 --> 00:18:31,980
You'll be blessed with
unlimited sex from 72
310
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:37,740
virgins, 35 US dollars,
and a bunch more weed.
311
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:43,819
So welcome to the Alcataya Terrace Team,
where work is truly a blast.
312
00:18:51,549 --> 00:18:52,549
Oh, shit.
313
00:19:03,370 --> 00:19:04,370
Hey guys.
314
00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:05,490
How's it going?
315
00:19:05,590 --> 00:19:06,590
Hey, what took you so long?
316
00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:07,990
I was playing suicide bomber.
317
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:09,509
Have you heard from Tim
tonight at all?
318
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:10,549
No.
319
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:18,160
What's up, playas?
320
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,480
Lake Soul Bluff represent!
321
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:23,300
Yeah!
322
00:19:23,380 --> 00:19:24,380
Show some love, fool!
323
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:28,599
Hey, Antonio.
324
00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:30,559
Damn!
325
00:19:31,199 --> 00:19:32,259
Little J.
326
00:19:35,099 --> 00:19:38,019
You were looking mad fly, boo.
327
00:19:39,299 --> 00:19:40,359
You feel me?
328
00:19:41,219 --> 00:19:42,219
Sure, Tim.
329
00:19:43,079 --> 00:19:47,279
I just bounced from this mad,
crazy, ill party, dude.
330
00:19:47,659 --> 00:19:51,119
I was hanging out with these niggers
over in Pleasant Oaks and shit.
331
00:19:51,419 --> 00:19:53,480
You were hanging out with
real black people?
332
00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:58,980
No, but they was blasting some
crazy fat beats, son.
333
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,240
They was pouring out some Cristal.
334
00:20:02,879 --> 00:20:05,599
Breaking off some endo smoke.
335
00:20:06,279 --> 00:20:07,279
You know what I'm saying?
336
00:20:07,399 --> 00:20:08,459
Just wilding out.
337
00:20:12,209 --> 00:20:13,209
Yeah.
338
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:15,789
Yo, I'm gonna score me
a bag of Doritos.
339
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:16,949
Y'all straight?
340
00:20:17,209 --> 00:20:18,309
-Yeah?
-All right.
341
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,889
Code 2, code 2, intersection
of 12th and Grant.
342
00:20:22,089 --> 00:20:24,049
We have visual confirmation
on the suspect.
343
00:20:26,549 --> 00:20:27,730
Uh, this is unit one.
344
00:20:28,190 --> 00:20:29,190
Hit it.
345
00:20:30,599 --> 00:20:34,399
Unit 1, William Ford requesting
a 11-41 at the intersection.
346
00:20:34,799 --> 00:20:36,959
And this booty that was like,
this is for that!
347
00:20:41,150 --> 00:20:42,450
Yo, what the fuck is this?
348
00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:43,570
Copy that.
349
00:20:43,570 --> 00:20:44,570
It's a 10-49.
350
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:45,810
What's going on, officers?
351
00:20:46,269 --> 00:20:48,509
Yarn store down the road
was just held up by a
352
00:20:48,509 --> 00:20:50,410
young black male fitting your
friend's description.
353
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,339
What are you talking about?
354
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,420
It wasn't me.
355
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:58,599
-No?
-It's not you?
-No.
356
00:20:58,619 --> 00:21:02,180
Hey, Frank, you see any other young black
males here in Lakeshore Bluff?
357
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:03,480
Don't see any.
358
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:04,880
What?
359
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:05,880
In a car, Darkie.
360
00:21:06,779 --> 00:21:08,460
But I'm not black.
361
00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:09,660
I'm white.
362
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:11,099
My whole family's white.
363
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:12,519
My dad's Irish.
364
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:13,640
My mom's Norwegian.
365
00:21:13,759 --> 00:21:15,759
We go to the Fourth Avenue
Lutheran Church
366
00:21:15,759 --> 00:21:18,079
where I help with the bake
sale every Sunday.
367
00:21:18,259 --> 00:21:19,799
Settle down back there, chocolate.
368
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:23,769
Let's stand right over here.
369
00:21:24,470 --> 00:21:25,530
Don't worry about anything.
370
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:26,750
Nobody can see you.
371
00:21:27,670 --> 00:21:30,090
Now, I just want you to point
to the perpetrator for me.
372
00:21:32,829 --> 00:21:33,829
Him.
373
00:21:34,049 --> 00:21:35,049
That.
374
00:21:35,989 --> 00:21:36,989
Negro.
375
00:21:37,849 --> 00:21:38,929
Okay, thanks.
376
00:21:39,149 --> 00:21:40,149
We can go.
377
00:21:46,919 --> 00:21:49,599
This is Dana Dobbs here at
Lakeshore Bluff where any
378
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:52,619
second now we will hear the verdict
in the Timothy Shanahan case.
379
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,299
Will the defendant please rise.
380
00:22:01,039 --> 00:22:03,179
Ladies and gentlemen, have
you reached a verdict?
381
00:22:04,299 --> 00:22:05,299
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
382
00:22:06,039 --> 00:22:08,919
We, the jury, find the Negro guilty.
383
00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:11,599
There you have it.
384
00:22:11,839 --> 00:22:12,859
The Negro is guilty.
385
00:22:17,099 --> 00:22:21,039
Welcome to Focus on Film
with Kenneth Garber.
386
00:22:21,599 --> 00:22:22,599
Hello.
387
00:22:22,599 --> 00:22:25,159
We are now a good way through
the film, so we thought it
388
00:22:25,159 --> 00:22:28,500
would be a good time to get some
perspective on it, and
389
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:33,719
joining us to provide just that are Nicholas
von Essen and Raymond Marcus.
390
00:22:34,099 --> 00:22:38,279
Offer us, if you will, your take on
how the film is doing thus far.
391
00:22:38,619 --> 00:22:42,159
I'll have to say, Kenneth,
that I am very impressed.
392
00:22:42,899 --> 00:22:45,939
Sketch after sketch, we're
being treated to a
393
00:22:46,499 --> 00:22:50,279
brilliantly biting skewering of
contemporary social mores.
394
00:22:50,679 --> 00:22:52,159
Well, Raymond, what do you think?
395
00:22:52,519 --> 00:22:54,379
I must strenuously disagree.
396
00:22:54,659 --> 00:23:00,259
This is nothing but vulgar, lowbrow potty
humor, thinly disguised as satire.
397
00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:03,079
It saddens me that the onion
is stooped to this
398
00:23:03,079 --> 00:23:06,459
lowest common denominator,
pandering to the masses.
399
00:23:06,740 --> 00:23:08,779
Well, now for a third opinion.
400
00:23:09,519 --> 00:23:11,259
Let's go straight to the source.
401
00:23:11,259 --> 00:23:15,579
We have with us here in the studio
a very special guest.
402
00:23:15,799 --> 00:23:17,000
Welcome, masses.
403
00:23:19,549 --> 00:23:21,069
So, what do you think of the film?
404
00:23:21,809 --> 00:23:23,649
It's pretty cool so far, I guess.
405
00:23:24,609 --> 00:23:26,829
That cock punch your dude is awesome.
406
00:23:26,930 --> 00:23:28,369
-Bam!
-Right in the balls.
407
00:23:29,349 --> 00:23:34,049
But this part, with these
film expert assholes...
408
00:23:34,049 --> 00:23:37,470
I mean, why do you even have these two
gay wads in the movie for, anyways?
409
00:23:38,349 --> 00:23:39,349
Bags!
410
00:23:40,029 --> 00:23:41,029
Lose them.
411
00:23:41,309 --> 00:23:43,069
Let's get on with the movie, dude.
412
00:23:43,729 --> 00:23:47,069
Gentlemen, experience the
majestic splendor of
413
00:23:47,069 --> 00:23:50,029
a cruise aboard the luxurious
Queen Nathan II.
414
00:23:50,589 --> 00:23:54,389
On the Queen Nathan, there's so much
for today's gay man to enjoy.
415
00:23:55,089 --> 00:23:56,089
Shuffleboard.
416
00:23:56,849 --> 00:23:57,950
Exquisite cuisine.
417
00:23:59,029 --> 00:24:00,269
Monster cocks.
418
00:24:00,649 --> 00:24:02,470
Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing.
419
00:24:03,490 --> 00:24:05,609
Work those muscles in
our shipboard gym.
420
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:08,369
Enjoy our world-class spa.
421
00:24:08,769 --> 00:24:11,349
Or take a thrilling Las
Vegas-style review.
422
00:24:11,909 --> 00:24:16,309
Yes, whether you want to scuba dive,
get blown, or play blackjack in
423
00:24:16,309 --> 00:24:20,190
our glamorous casino, the Queen Nathan
II's got what you're looking for.
424
00:24:20,409 --> 00:24:22,970
So, climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.
425
00:24:23,970 --> 00:24:26,109
And now it's time for...
426
00:24:26,109 --> 00:24:27,809
Little-known racial stereotypes.
427
00:24:28,470 --> 00:24:30,710
Yes, everyone knows that
Italians are all
428
00:24:30,710 --> 00:24:33,750
mobsters, and Native Americans
are all drunks.
429
00:24:34,269 --> 00:24:36,730
But did you know that
blacks love taffy?
430
00:24:38,089 --> 00:24:41,529
It's also true that Eskimos run
all the locksmith shops.
431
00:24:42,470 --> 00:24:44,670
The Irish have enormous nipples.
432
00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:49,649
And Puerto Ricans can dangle from
steel beams for hours at a time.
433
00:24:49,950 --> 00:24:51,269
Damn, that's unbelievable.
434
00:24:52,190 --> 00:24:53,190
How does he do that?
435
00:24:53,529 --> 00:24:54,529
There's a Puerto Rican.
436
00:24:54,789 --> 00:24:58,869
Also, did you know that the Dutch enjoy
speaking with telemarketers?
437
00:24:59,089 --> 00:25:00,089
Fee, son?
438
00:25:00,990 --> 00:25:02,750
It's a special credit card offer.
439
00:25:03,929 --> 00:25:07,210
Peruvians love to swoop in and save
the day at the last minute.
440
00:25:08,309 --> 00:25:10,970
And they can shoot laser beams
out of their eyes.
441
00:25:11,470 --> 00:25:13,929
And, of course, all Arabs
are terrorists.
442
00:25:15,569 --> 00:25:16,609
Ah, stereotypes.
443
00:25:17,389 --> 00:25:19,069
Can you imagine a world without them?
444
00:25:27,250 --> 00:25:30,109
Okay, that must be our final player.
445
00:25:35,950 --> 00:25:37,009
Hi, Julie.
446
00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:38,250
Hi.
447
00:25:38,250 --> 00:25:39,250
Welcome.
448
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:40,809
Oh, you're so lovely.
449
00:25:40,890 --> 00:25:41,890
Oh, thank you.
450
00:25:41,930 --> 00:25:42,930
Come on in.
451
00:25:44,130 --> 00:25:45,650
Everybody, this is Julie.
452
00:25:46,230 --> 00:25:47,230
Pretty cute, huh?
453
00:25:48,069 --> 00:25:49,269
Have a seat.
454
00:25:49,610 --> 00:25:51,309
So I understand this is your
first redundant party?
455
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:53,110
Ah, you are going to have so much fun.
456
00:25:53,289 --> 00:25:55,950
Okay. With any luck, by
the end of the night,
457
00:25:56,009 --> 00:25:57,890
we'll figure out which one
of us did the dirty deed.
458
00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:00,529
Any one of us could be the rapist.
459
00:26:02,170 --> 00:26:04,870
I'm sorry, did you say rapist?
460
00:26:05,390 --> 00:26:06,529
Yeah, yeah, I did.
461
00:26:07,490 --> 00:26:10,830
Don't these things usually
revolve around murder?
462
00:26:11,370 --> 00:26:14,750
Yeah, Julie, see, we do this
every few months, and
463
00:26:14,750 --> 00:26:18,830
frankly, we were getting a little
bored with murder, so I
464
00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:21,610
was like, oh, isn't there some other
violent crime we can reenact?
465
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:25,110
And I'm in the store the other
day, and I find this.
466
00:26:26,910 --> 00:26:28,390
How fantastic is that?
467
00:26:30,190 --> 00:26:33,970
So anyway, Julie, since
you are new, lucky
468
00:26:33,970 --> 00:26:38,289
Julie, you get to be the victim!
469
00:26:39,029 --> 00:26:40,029
Okay?
470
00:26:42,590 --> 00:26:44,329
So why don't you put this on, hop up.
471
00:26:44,950 --> 00:26:46,329
Okay, so here's what's
going to happen.
472
00:26:46,769 --> 00:26:50,470
The lights are going to go out,
so you lie down on the floor.
473
00:26:51,370 --> 00:26:53,329
We're all going to come
running in, but you're
474
00:26:53,329 --> 00:26:55,090
going to be unconscious,
so you stay down there.
475
00:26:55,870 --> 00:26:58,769
Don't you think this is a little sick?
476
00:26:59,230 --> 00:27:00,570
Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun.
477
00:27:00,570 --> 00:27:02,930
No one's actually raping anyone.
478
00:27:04,930 --> 00:27:06,230
I mean, you wouldn't have a problem
479
00:27:06,230 --> 00:27:07,650
with the murder mystery
game now, would you?
480
00:27:08,110 --> 00:27:09,110
I guess not.
481
00:27:09,190 --> 00:27:12,289
Yeah, so why would you object
to a game revolving
482
00:27:12,289 --> 00:27:15,410
around a lesser crime where no
one even loses their life?
483
00:27:15,509 --> 00:27:16,509
Well, it's just different.
484
00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:18,230
Oh, it's just, it's just.
Come on, guys.
485
00:27:18,890 --> 00:27:20,730
Let's play the game.
486
00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:22,809
Get your cards, okay?
487
00:27:27,530 --> 00:27:29,710
You got that on, sweetie? Okay, get down
on the floor, get down on the floor.
488
00:27:30,830 --> 00:27:31,850
Ready for a rapin'?
489
00:27:43,149 --> 00:27:44,149
Shut up!
490
00:27:45,150 --> 00:27:46,150
Stop!
491
00:27:46,310 --> 00:27:47,570
That's my son!
492
00:27:48,110 --> 00:27:49,110
Shut up!
493
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:52,500
♪
494
00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:02,240
Oh, no, the sweet, innocent young daughter
of Mayor Lewis has been raped.
495
00:28:02,559 --> 00:28:03,559
Lock the door.
496
00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:06,159
No one is leaving until we
figure out who did it.
497
00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:07,500
That's excellent.
498
00:28:08,059 --> 00:28:09,500
Who committed this rape?
499
00:28:10,039 --> 00:28:11,039
Hmm?
500
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,259
Was it the creepy uncle?
501
00:28:15,099 --> 00:28:17,980
The handsome young Ivy
League fraternity
502
00:28:17,980 --> 00:28:21,659
brother who's used to getting
what and who he wants?
503
00:28:22,339 --> 00:28:25,319
Um, the prisoner just
released on parole.
504
00:28:25,319 --> 00:28:26,319
That's me.
505
00:28:27,339 --> 00:28:30,460
Or the vaguely hermaphroditic
night nurse
506
00:28:30,460 --> 00:28:32,019
from the senior center
just down the block?
507
00:28:32,980 --> 00:28:33,980
It's so creepy.
508
00:28:35,059 --> 00:28:36,200
Okay, come on, let's play.
509
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,259
I was with my wife.
510
00:28:39,899 --> 00:28:43,440
Besides, that bitch has been making
up stories since she was four.
511
00:28:44,099 --> 00:28:46,259
You can't believe anything she says.
512
00:28:46,419 --> 00:28:49,960
I have 22 fraternity brothers who
will vouch that I was with them.
513
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,000
Oh, I bet you do.
514
00:28:53,819 --> 00:28:55,240
Okay, time to spin.
515
00:28:55,359 --> 00:29:00,659
Whoa, Julie, I know this is your first time,
but you're not acting very raped.
516
00:29:01,159 --> 00:29:03,539
Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up.
517
00:29:03,599 --> 00:29:04,599
You've just been raped.
518
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:07,539
Yeah, the rapist shattered your
pelvis with a baseball bat.
519
00:29:10,329 --> 00:29:11,769
-I'm...
-I'm leaving.
520
00:29:12,369 --> 00:29:13,369
What?
521
00:29:13,429 --> 00:29:14,689
Where are you going?
522
00:29:16,769 --> 00:29:18,269
-Come...
-Julie!
-What?
523
00:29:19,929 --> 00:29:20,929
Now what?
524
00:29:24,389 --> 00:29:26,089
I guess you guys are just going
to have to rape me.
525
00:29:35,019 --> 00:29:36,019
Taffy?
526
00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:38,180
God, fucking blacks!
527
00:29:38,519 --> 00:29:39,519
Oh!
528
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,980
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby
won another victory today
529
00:29:45,980 --> 00:29:49,920
when Congress passed legislation
restricting smoking within U.S.
530
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,740
borders to a single room in Iowa.
531
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,400
Traffic was backed up from
Nevada all the way
532
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:57,940
to Iowa as smokers tried
to get to the lounge.
533
00:29:58,460 --> 00:30:01,240
Move the car, you old fucking bitch!
534
00:30:01,799 --> 00:30:04,360
Smokers from across the country
are making the long
535
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:08,160
journey to the 10x10 Smokers
Lounge in Des Moines, Iowa.
536
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,319
I drove all the way from San Francisco
537
00:30:10,319 --> 00:30:12,819
just to sneak a smoke in
on my lunch break.
538
00:30:13,220 --> 00:30:14,860
I'm supposed to be back
at work in 10 minutes.
539
00:30:15,340 --> 00:30:17,620
It's a 37-hour drive.
540
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:19,000
It's fucking bullshit.
541
00:30:19,580 --> 00:30:23,220
In legal news, a judge has
declared local aerobics
542
00:30:23,220 --> 00:30:28,460
instructor and accused murderer Jennifer
Porter too fit to stand trial.
543
00:30:29,380 --> 00:30:32,500
Judge Edward Conlon said that
the suspect, with her
544
00:30:32,500 --> 00:30:36,100
washboard abs and powerful
leg muscles, is of too
545
00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:40,380
sound body to be tried for the
killing of her ex-lover.
546
00:30:43,599 --> 00:30:48,740
According to a new medical study,
depression hits losers hardest.
547
00:30:49,799 --> 00:30:53,779
The study found that extreme, debilitating
depression most commonly
548
00:30:53,779 --> 00:30:58,439
afflicts those who are total screw-ups,
who can't do anything right.
549
00:31:05,299 --> 00:31:06,339
♪
550
00:31:08,150 --> 00:31:09,150
Oh.
551
00:31:11,139 --> 00:31:14,720
♪
552
00:31:15,500 --> 00:31:19,860
♪
553
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,740
♪
554
00:31:25,259 --> 00:31:29,240
♪
555
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,240
waist.
556
00:31:30,660 --> 00:31:31,660
Oh, yeah,
557
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,080
♪
558
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,660
♪
559
00:31:36,660 --> 00:31:40,149
♪
560
00:31:40,149 --> 00:31:43,309
♪
561
00:31:43,309 --> 00:31:46,210
♪
562
00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:51,500
♪
563
00:31:51,750 --> 00:31:56,500
♪
564
00:31:58,500 --> 00:32:02,000
From Mobile Tech News and
Pictures, Steven Seagal.
565
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,799
Hey, welcome to Vault Village.
566
00:32:04,059 --> 00:32:05,059
My name's Dirk.
567
00:32:05,059 --> 00:32:06,059
What can I help you find today?
568
00:32:06,359 --> 00:32:07,359
Hey, Dirk.
569
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:11,920
Um, my computer, it's a few years old, and
I feel like I'm ready for a new one.
570
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:13,880
I got just the thing.
571
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,740
The Bates 4000.
572
00:32:17,299 --> 00:32:18,579
Absolute cutting edge.
573
00:32:19,019 --> 00:32:20,380
These babies came in on Tuesday.
574
00:32:20,779 --> 00:32:21,779
They're Pac-Man.
575
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:23,880
80Gs of RAM.
576
00:32:24,079 --> 00:32:27,000
We're talking a quad-port
900 processor.
577
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,700
DVK-compatible memory card.
578
00:32:30,059 --> 00:32:31,500
Dual-burning DVD drives.
579
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:35,259
Plus a 16,000 CTC combo drive
580
00:32:35,259 --> 00:32:37,819
with a plus-four digital upgrade card.
581
00:32:38,259 --> 00:32:40,700
This will knock the shit
out of your ass.
582
00:32:42,299 --> 00:32:46,019
Well, I'm just looking for your
basic, simple home computer.
583
00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:47,700
I know.
584
00:32:48,119 --> 00:32:49,519
Your wife has you by
the purse strings.
585
00:32:49,619 --> 00:32:50,619
But you know what?
586
00:32:50,700 --> 00:32:51,960
This is the Bates 4000.
587
00:32:52,140 --> 00:32:53,299
It doesn't get any better than this.
588
00:32:53,339 --> 00:32:54,339
It's not going anywhere.
589
00:32:54,559 --> 00:32:55,559
This is the future.
590
00:32:56,420 --> 00:32:58,940
Well, I have the Bates
1000, and that works.
591
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,240
Oh, excuse me. You have
the Bates 1000.
592
00:33:01,319 --> 00:33:02,539
Oh, that's great.
593
00:33:03,119 --> 00:33:04,119
Fuck, man.
594
00:33:04,140 --> 00:33:06,079
Wow. You know, maybe you
should tell it to a
595
00:33:06,079 --> 00:33:08,440
homeless woman outside, because
maybe she'll be impressed.
596
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:10,339
Those things are barbaric.
597
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:13,059
I mean, last time I checked, they didn't
even have a delete key on it.
598
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:14,900
I'm joking, of course.
599
00:33:15,539 --> 00:33:17,160
But look, this is the future.
600
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:18,200
You get my point?
601
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:20,779
-Yeah.
-Okay?
-Let's write you up.
602
00:33:21,460 --> 00:33:22,460
All right.
603
00:33:22,599 --> 00:33:23,599
Let's do it.
604
00:33:23,859 --> 00:33:24,980
All right, my friend.
605
00:33:29,879 --> 00:33:33,220
Wow, honey, are you sure we
need such a fancy one?
606
00:33:33,339 --> 00:33:35,240
Kid, this thing's got a quad-port 900
607
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:39,579
processor and a 16,000 CTD
combo drive with...
608
00:33:39,579 --> 00:33:42,079
Dude, you're not still using
the Bates 4000, are you?
609
00:33:42,919 --> 00:33:44,399
That thing's ancient.
610
00:33:44,599 --> 00:33:45,599
Really?
611
00:33:46,180 --> 00:33:47,180
Really.
612
00:33:47,659 --> 00:33:49,240
You gotta get you one of these.
613
00:33:50,139 --> 00:33:51,180
The Bates...
614
00:33:53,639 --> 00:33:55,159
absolute cutting-edge.
615
00:33:55,359 --> 00:33:57,439
Wow, that is newer.
616
00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:01,560
The new Bates 5000.
617
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:03,620
Throw your 4000 away.
618
00:34:03,980 --> 00:34:04,980
It's a piece of shit.
619
00:34:17,130 --> 00:34:19,730
This is Hard Drive How,
your computer expert.
620
00:34:19,910 --> 00:34:23,289
My guest today is Bates'
CEO, Gil Bates.
621
00:34:23,910 --> 00:34:25,869
He's here to talk about
perhaps the most
622
00:34:25,869 --> 00:34:28,610
powerful machine ever built,
the Bates 6000.
623
00:34:29,230 --> 00:34:30,910
And it's available in
stores right now.
624
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:46,559
Hey, I just dropped off the shipment
of the Bates 7000s.
625
00:34:46,599 --> 00:34:48,940
Now what do you want me to do
with the leftover 6000s?
626
00:34:49,860 --> 00:34:50,860
6000s?
627
00:34:51,259 --> 00:34:53,039
Throw them in the fucking garbage
where they belong.
628
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:57,480
That's right.
629
00:34:57,799 --> 00:35:00,299
Twice the memory capacity of the 8000.
630
00:35:01,119 --> 00:35:02,119
Hang on.
631
00:35:02,619 --> 00:35:03,619
Come in.
632
00:35:03,779 --> 00:35:04,779
Hi.
633
00:35:07,619 --> 00:35:09,260
Bates was 42.
634
00:35:10,780 --> 00:35:13,539
In other news, after a six-month
stint at the Betty
635
00:35:13,539 --> 00:35:17,440
King Clinic, actor Bryce Brand
finally returned home today.
636
00:35:17,780 --> 00:35:18,800
That's right, Norm.
637
00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:21,539
I'm here outside superstar
Bryce Brand's
638
00:35:21,539 --> 00:35:23,500
Hollywood Hills mansion,
where at any moment
639
00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:26,099
he's due to return from his stay
at the Betty King Clinic.
640
00:35:26,980 --> 00:35:27,980
Bryce!
641
00:35:34,319 --> 00:35:40,119
Bobby, baby, Bobby, baby, Bobby, baby.
642
00:35:42,050 --> 00:35:43,350
I'm back!
643
00:35:43,810 --> 00:35:44,810
You look great.
644
00:35:45,330 --> 00:35:48,330
I cannot tell you how
good I feel now that
645
00:35:48,330 --> 00:35:52,030
I'm off the drugs and high on life.
646
00:35:52,210 --> 00:35:53,630
Hey, that's what they're saying.
647
00:35:57,059 --> 00:36:00,780
Man, was I a mess.
648
00:36:01,639 --> 00:36:03,780
But all that's changed now
that I'm clean and sober.
649
00:36:04,300 --> 00:36:08,900
You know, I never knew how amazing life
can be without the haze of drugs.
650
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:11,880
It's just the little things, like...
651
00:36:14,289 --> 00:36:15,469
Smelling flowers.
652
00:36:18,900 --> 00:36:20,480
We're watching the sunset.
653
00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:22,519
We're just walking along the beach.
654
00:36:23,300 --> 00:36:27,559
You know, these things get me way
higher than drugs ever could.
655
00:36:28,980 --> 00:36:30,720
That's great, um, Bryce.
656
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:34,680
So we have got a lot of catching
up to do with your career.
657
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:35,880
Now, I brought a script.
658
00:36:36,039 --> 00:36:37,039
It is fantastic.
659
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:38,960
Actually, your part is comedic.
660
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:41,000
Uh, sort of a wisecracking.
661
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:42,320
This caramel is so amazing.
662
00:36:42,420 --> 00:36:44,539
It is blowing my mind, man.
663
00:36:45,300 --> 00:36:46,300
Smell this.
664
00:36:46,460 --> 00:36:48,220
No, thank you, though.
665
00:36:48,220 --> 00:36:50,059
Um, back to the script.
666
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:51,780
Again, it took a lot to get this.
667
00:36:51,980 --> 00:36:54,720
One thing sobriety has taught
me is that you have
668
00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:57,760
to take time out to enjoy
life's little pleasures.
669
00:36:59,220 --> 00:37:00,420
Can you put the tea down for a second?
670
00:37:03,340 --> 00:37:04,340
Bryce.
671
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,440
Oh, my God.
672
00:37:05,660 --> 00:37:07,360
-Bryce.
-Oh, my God.
673
00:37:12,550 --> 00:37:16,250
The nation's rapidly growing prison
population, which recently
674
00:37:16,250 --> 00:37:20,830
passed the 20 million mark, has created
a severe overcrowding problem.
675
00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:23,789
In an attempt to alleviate
the overcrowding, the
676
00:37:23,789 --> 00:37:26,550
government announced today that
a random selection of U.S.
677
00:37:26,710 --> 00:37:29,789
households will be asked to take
prisoners into their homes.
678
00:37:34,789 --> 00:37:35,789
Hi.
679
00:37:37,029 --> 00:37:38,789
Uh, I'm Dick.
680
00:37:40,089 --> 00:37:41,789
This is my wife, Sarah.
681
00:37:42,150 --> 00:37:43,610
This is our daughter, Allie.
682
00:37:44,089 --> 00:37:46,049
And this is our son, Bobby.
683
00:37:46,110 --> 00:37:47,110
He's 10.
684
00:37:47,929 --> 00:37:49,529
Welcome to our home.
685
00:37:51,289 --> 00:37:52,289
What's up?
686
00:37:52,509 --> 00:37:53,509
Aah!
687
00:37:53,589 --> 00:37:54,589
Aah!
688
00:37:54,589 --> 00:37:55,589
Aah!
689
00:37:55,889 --> 00:37:58,190
Aah! Don't drop this
shit on me, bitch.
690
00:37:58,409 --> 00:38:00,190
What the fuck are you doing?
691
00:38:00,269 --> 00:38:01,269
Don't just stand there.
692
00:38:01,309 --> 00:38:03,150
Get your man something to drink.
693
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:11,360
Damn, it's good to see some women.
694
00:38:13,650 --> 00:38:14,650
Mm-mm.
695
00:38:15,490 --> 00:38:18,849
Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo works.
696
00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:20,030
Lights out, guys.
697
00:38:23,199 --> 00:38:26,839
If successful, another 20
,000 prisoners will be
698
00:38:26,839 --> 00:38:30,159
moved to suburban homes by
the first of next month.
699
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,000
♪
700
00:38:34,099 --> 00:38:37,279
Hello, and welcome once again
to Focus on Film.
701
00:38:37,659 --> 00:38:41,940
I'm Kenneth Garber, and I'm
joined by Kwame Roberts,
702
00:38:42,079 --> 00:38:44,900
president of the National Coalition
of African Americans,
703
00:38:45,219 --> 00:38:50,420
and James Nakatomi, director of the Asian
American Alliance for Equality.
704
00:38:50,579 --> 00:38:52,440
Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.
705
00:38:53,159 --> 00:38:55,599
Your organization is not pleased with
706
00:38:55,599 --> 00:38:58,259
this film's depiction of
African Americans.
707
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:00,579
Oh, that is absolutely
correct, Kenneth.
708
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:04,000
We are just about halfway through
the film, and we've
709
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,839
yet to see a dignified portrayal
of a person of color.
710
00:39:07,339 --> 00:39:11,940
So far, we've only been shown as vicious
criminals or sex fiends.
711
00:39:12,039 --> 00:39:13,639
Just take a look at that last sketch.
712
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,059
So what specifically is
your group demanding?
713
00:39:16,539 --> 00:39:18,659
Either the filmmakers put
a positive black role
714
00:39:18,659 --> 00:39:21,159
model on that screen in the
next ten minutes, or we
715
00:39:21,159 --> 00:39:24,900
will be organizing a nationwide
walkout of black moviegoers.
716
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:26,839
That means every single
African American
717
00:39:26,839 --> 00:39:29,779
currently watching this film
will exit the theater.
718
00:39:30,139 --> 00:39:32,799
Mr. Nakatomi, you are equally unhappy.
719
00:39:32,799 --> 00:39:36,219
Thus far, there are maybe
one or, at the
720
00:39:36,219 --> 00:39:39,299
most, two, three Asian
faces in the film.
721
00:39:39,819 --> 00:39:42,739
How do you feel about such gross
underrepresentation?
722
00:39:43,980 --> 00:39:45,119
Me no likey.
723
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:48,960
Excuse me?
724
00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:50,719
Me no likey.
725
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:53,880
And...
726
00:39:54,159 --> 00:39:55,159
back to the film.
727
00:39:55,819 --> 00:39:59,719
In legal news, local-year-old
Joey Frankel is suing
728
00:39:59,719 --> 00:40:02,819
for the right to be sexually
harassed in the workplace.
729
00:40:03,819 --> 00:40:07,920
Frankel, an employee at Carl's Copy
Shop in Phoenix, alleged that
730
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,900
during his three years there, not
a single female coworker made
731
00:40:11,900 --> 00:40:16,719
inappropriate sexual advances toward
him, either verbal or physical.
732
00:40:18,179 --> 00:40:21,159
In other news, health officials
have confirmed that a
733
00:40:21,159 --> 00:40:24,500
potentially deadly airborne
virus has been spreading
734
00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:28,460
across eastern Canada and is now moving
south toward the coast of...
735
00:40:41,300 --> 00:40:42,300
Good night.
736
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:49,440
Hey, Norm.
737
00:40:49,699 --> 00:40:50,699
Okay.
738
00:40:50,699 --> 00:40:51,719
Oh, there goes Norm again.
739
00:40:52,059 --> 00:40:53,059
Holy piss.
740
00:41:04,599 --> 00:41:05,799
I got you a Timberline.
741
00:41:06,059 --> 00:41:07,059
What do you got?
742
00:41:10,849 --> 00:41:11,969
All right, listen to me.
743
00:41:12,069 --> 00:41:14,529
Hi, Norm. Our job isn't
to advertise our
744
00:41:14,529 --> 00:41:17,210
parent company's movie
via goddamn Penguin.
745
00:41:17,469 --> 00:41:23,089
Our job is to deliver to the American people
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.
746
00:41:23,849 --> 00:41:26,509
In this crazy world, The
Onion may be the
747
00:41:26,509 --> 00:41:28,829
only news source that people
can truly trust.
748
00:41:29,730 --> 00:41:31,009
Don't be so naive, Norm.
749
00:41:31,049 --> 00:41:32,049
This is a business.
750
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,980
Listen, I know you're not going
to want to hear this,
751
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,500
but the suits at Global Tetrahedron
want you to open
752
00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:42,960
up Friday's broadcast with a slightly
different lead story.
753
00:41:47,250 --> 00:41:51,110
But Friday is the day Azmenistan
gave Saravia as
754
00:41:51,110 --> 00:41:53,230
a deadline for pulling out
of the Uzbagiyak region.
755
00:41:53,969 --> 00:41:55,429
But it's also the day that
Cockpuncher opens.
756
00:41:57,250 --> 00:41:59,590
I mean, this Azmenistani, Gaz, sloppy,
757
00:41:59,690 --> 00:42:01,150
grand thing, it's all well
and good, right?
758
00:42:01,550 --> 00:42:02,710
But it's a million miles away.
759
00:42:03,030 --> 00:42:04,030
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
760
00:42:04,050 --> 00:42:07,469
The more important news story right
now is Cockpuncher mania.
761
00:42:08,309 --> 00:42:09,429
It's sweeping the nation.
762
00:42:10,329 --> 00:42:11,869
And it better sweep your
newscast Friday.
763
00:42:15,250 --> 00:42:16,250
Take a bite.
764
00:42:28,950 --> 00:42:30,210
You owe me a pound, you
son of a bitch.
765
00:42:30,250 --> 00:42:31,250
I made that last one.
766
00:42:35,610 --> 00:42:36,630
InstaDog is
767
00:42:39,849 --> 00:42:41,769
whorish corporate clubs.
768
00:42:45,150 --> 00:42:46,390
I'm a newsman, Temps.
769
00:42:47,510 --> 00:42:48,510
No!
770
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:55,480
I don't think you have a ball.
771
00:42:55,639 --> 00:42:57,180
I cannot wait for Friday.
772
00:43:03,610 --> 00:43:04,610
Excuse me, sir.
773
00:43:04,969 --> 00:43:05,969
What can I get you?
774
00:43:06,090 --> 00:43:07,090
No, thank you.
775
00:43:07,150 --> 00:43:09,090
I don't drink or use drugs,
for that matter.
776
00:43:09,190 --> 00:43:12,769
No, I was just wondering if you could give
me directions to the local library.
777
00:43:13,710 --> 00:43:16,909
Um, two blocks down and
left on second.
778
00:43:17,809 --> 00:43:18,809
Thank you very much.
779
00:43:18,909 --> 00:43:19,909
You have a wonderful evening.
780
00:43:33,819 --> 00:43:35,599
Thank you, you have a wonderful day.
781
00:44:25,860 --> 00:44:29,760
Has your penis become stuck in
a library book return slot?
782
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:32,960
Call Cosmin's, the penis people.
783
00:44:33,780 --> 00:44:37,720
We've been the Tri-County area's penis
retrieval experts for 64 years.
784
00:44:38,099 --> 00:44:41,519
We'll get any penis out of
any slot for $39.95.
785
00:44:42,260 --> 00:44:43,840
That's my personal guarantee.
786
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:46,019
So don't just sit there
hoping that your
787
00:44:46,019 --> 00:44:48,079
penis will somehow magically
free itself.
788
00:44:49,539 --> 00:44:50,820
Call Cosmin's.
789
00:44:51,260 --> 00:44:52,660
They've got my penis out.
790
00:44:52,980 --> 00:44:53,980
They've got my penis out.
791
00:44:56,619 --> 00:44:58,559
They've got my penis out.
792
00:44:58,980 --> 00:45:01,639
They've got all our penises out!
793
00:45:01,700 --> 00:45:03,340
Cosmin's, the penis people.
794
00:45:08,050 --> 00:45:10,110
This week's campaign is gonna rule.
795
00:45:10,450 --> 00:45:13,070
I can't wait for the assault
on Castle Dragonflame.
796
00:45:13,310 --> 00:45:15,370
I know. It's gonna be super
totally awesome.
797
00:45:15,750 --> 00:45:17,390
I have a third-level elven cleric.
798
00:45:17,590 --> 00:45:19,350
Can't wait to pit against my foes.
799
00:45:19,950 --> 00:45:22,150
Yeah, well, uh, don't count
on it being too awesome.
800
00:45:22,269 --> 00:45:23,269
Look who just showed up.
801
00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:27,500
♪
802
00:45:29,580 --> 00:45:31,500
we stumbled upon here?
803
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:33,000
Oh, shit.
804
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,380
Dare you challenge the might
of Proteus the Invincible?
805
00:45:40,449 --> 00:45:43,309
I see there are some beardless
saplings with
806
00:45:43,309 --> 00:45:46,710
us this afternoon who have
ne'er tasted my blade.
807
00:45:47,169 --> 00:45:48,649
This douchebag burns everything.
808
00:45:49,309 --> 00:45:51,329
Prepare for total devastation.
809
00:45:53,349 --> 00:45:56,789
The magical wizardry, expert
chaos techniques, and
810
00:45:57,369 --> 00:45:59,929
incomparable equipment
roster of Proteus the
811
00:45:59,929 --> 00:46:04,250
Invincible will make short work of
all pretenders to the throne.
812
00:46:15,929 --> 00:46:18,929
Okay, Lyle, how's about
letting some of
813
00:46:18,929 --> 00:46:22,389
the younger guys have a
chance today, okay?
814
00:46:23,929 --> 00:46:26,250
When it comes to wizards
and werebeasts, I
815
00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:28,789
expect no quarter, and
none shall be given.
816
00:46:43,700 --> 00:46:45,400
Now that I have readied my provisions
817
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,660
for the day's foray into
the fairy realms.
818
00:46:50,449 --> 00:46:51,750
Let the slaughter begin
819
00:47:00,500 --> 00:47:05,500
♪
820
00:47:05,750 --> 00:47:07,000
♪
821
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:16,000
♪
822
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:22,500
♪
823
00:47:40,730 --> 00:47:43,550
None remain standing before me.
824
00:47:43,930 --> 00:47:48,269
All have fallen before the
might of my broadsword.
825
00:47:48,329 --> 00:47:49,329
Ha-ha!
826
00:47:58,550 --> 00:47:59,950
Hope you're happy, Lyle.
827
00:48:00,910 --> 00:48:03,350
You just ruined another Saturday
for the whole gaming club.
828
00:48:04,050 --> 00:48:06,730
What care I for the sniveling
excuses of the weak?
829
00:48:07,050 --> 00:48:09,269
They shall bow before my wrath.
830
00:48:10,090 --> 00:48:13,930
In the realm of fantasy, only the strong
shall survive to conquer another day.
831
00:48:23,849 --> 00:48:27,210
Alas, the day's adventuring
is now done
832
00:48:27,210 --> 00:48:29,789
and I must take the number
two bus back home.
833
00:48:32,300 --> 00:48:35,120
If only I could live in
the world of fantasy
834
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:38,260
forever, instead of being
forced to put up with
835
00:48:38,260 --> 00:48:42,000
this Benell realm and its silly,
weak-minded mortals.
836
00:48:44,180 --> 00:48:48,000
Oh, how I wish I could live
in the realm of wizards
837
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:51,220
and war beasts, ruling
the land as a mighty
838
00:48:51,619 --> 00:48:56,860
conqueror, smiting orcs and ogres
alike with my trusty broadsword.
839
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:01,440
Who do you see in this room?
840
00:49:05,300 --> 00:49:06,300
What?
841
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:08,640
Who goes there?
842
00:49:08,940 --> 00:49:12,440
It is I, Giygax, Demon
of the Astral Plane.
843
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:16,840
Never before have I seen your equal
in the worlds that play this game.
844
00:49:16,940 --> 00:49:17,940
What's going on?
845
00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:19,320
Guys?
846
00:49:19,580 --> 00:49:22,660
I have chosen to grant your
wish, Cody Stevenson.
847
00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:26,960
Come forth into the land of legend.
848
00:49:33,650 --> 00:49:34,670
Where am I?
849
00:49:48,500 --> 00:49:53,500
♪
850
00:49:53,750 --> 00:49:56,000
♪
851
00:50:01,650 --> 00:50:02,650
Where am I?
852
00:50:11,650 --> 00:50:14,010
Prepare to piss thyself you
853
00:50:16,849 --> 00:50:19,250
No, no, no, no, no, no, please.
854
00:50:24,900 --> 00:50:28,740
After last night's heartbreaking
loss in Los Angeles,
855
00:50:29,059 --> 00:50:33,360
basketball star DeShante Jackson
had harsh words for the Lord.
856
00:50:33,700 --> 00:50:37,119
I'd like to put the blame on God
tonight for not blessing me
857
00:50:37,119 --> 00:50:39,440
with the talent to hit the game-winning
three-pointer tonight.
858
00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:43,099
You know, without him, I would truly
be going to the playoffs.
859
00:50:44,780 --> 00:50:46,960
Bitch, I don't know why you
do this shit to me!
860
00:50:50,150 --> 00:50:53,809
In news from our nation's capital,
a group of Alzheimer's disease
861
00:50:53,809 --> 00:50:57,250
sufferers marched on Washington today
demanding a cure for pancakes.
862
00:51:03,179 --> 00:51:07,480
Until this tea kettle is cured, there
863
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:11,239
will never be enough bread
in the laundry!
864
00:51:14,559 --> 00:51:15,559
Karate!
865
00:51:27,599 --> 00:51:29,539
Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.
866
00:51:30,779 --> 00:51:32,679
Did you know that all over
the world there are
867
00:51:32,679 --> 00:51:35,079
millions of children living
in extreme poverty?
868
00:51:35,819 --> 00:51:38,940
For more than 40 years the What About
the Children Foundation has
869
00:51:38,940 --> 00:51:42,579
been making a difference in the lives
of kids throughout the third world.
870
00:51:43,159 --> 00:51:45,980
And so can you by adopting
a What About the
871
00:51:45,980 --> 00:51:49,219
Children sponsor child, but
don't take my word for it.
872
00:51:49,699 --> 00:51:50,699
Take Deebo's.
873
00:51:51,339 --> 00:51:53,199
Hello, I am Deebo.
874
00:51:54,279 --> 00:51:58,000
Thanks to What About the Children,
Deebo has seen his standard of
875
00:51:58,000 --> 00:52:02,339
living soar well above the level of his
pathetic, poverty-stricken village.
876
00:52:02,659 --> 00:52:04,860
The What About the Children
Foundation is able
877
00:52:04,860 --> 00:52:07,319
to provide a child like
Deebo with some of the
878
00:52:07,319 --> 00:52:09,900
little things in life we so
often take for granted.
879
00:52:10,739 --> 00:52:15,880
Like electricity, fresh drinking water,
indoor plumbing, a 42-inch
880
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:20,579
plasma screen television, the latest
Sony PlayStation video game, 1
881
00:52:20,579 --> 00:52:24,559
,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets,
a subscription to the Wall
882
00:52:24,559 --> 00:52:28,460
Street Journal, and selections from Marc
Jacobs Men's Spring Collection.
883
00:52:33,699 --> 00:52:35,019
It's your own fucked up family!
884
00:52:39,500 --> 00:52:41,579
Thank goodness they've
become except your
885
00:52:41,579 --> 00:52:43,980
security system to keep
these animals out.
886
00:52:44,260 --> 00:52:47,920
Thank you Debo It's stories like yours
that make it all worthwhile
887
00:52:50,599 --> 00:52:55,739
In breaking news, we now join Dana
Dobbs in Lakeshore Bluff where
888
00:52:55,739 --> 00:52:59,239
a verdict has just been handed down
in the Timothy Shanahan trial.
889
00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:01,860
Dana, what's the latest
on the situation?
890
00:53:02,579 --> 00:53:05,000
Well Norm, as you can see, I'm
here outside the First
891
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:07,839
District federal courthouse
where this angry mob of
892
00:53:08,439 --> 00:53:12,519
Negroes is rioting over the guilty verdict
in the Timothy Shanahan case.
893
00:53:20,299 --> 00:53:21,619
We will keep you posted.
894
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:22,920
Thanks, Jada.
895
00:53:23,199 --> 00:53:24,199
Thank you, Norm.
896
00:53:25,199 --> 00:53:26,599
Those crazy Negroes.
897
00:53:30,430 --> 00:53:31,430
Enter.
898
00:53:31,830 --> 00:53:32,830
Pardon me, General.
899
00:53:32,890 --> 00:53:33,890
Your meeting's about to start.
900
00:53:34,130 --> 00:53:35,130
No.
901
00:53:35,250 --> 00:53:40,490
So as you can see, Generals, Defco
Amalgamated's M47 Jumpin' Johnny
902
00:53:40,849 --> 00:53:45,930
landmine earned a triple-A rating
in field trials and boasts a 98%
903
00:53:45,930 --> 00:53:50,910
kill-through ratio, making it the best
landmine for the government's dollar.
904
00:53:53,660 --> 00:53:54,660
I don't know.
905
00:53:58,300 --> 00:53:59,300
Nah.
906
00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:00,360
We're gonna pass.
907
00:54:02,139 --> 00:54:03,139
Thanks anyway.
908
00:54:56,699 --> 00:54:57,699
FUCK FUCK
909
00:55:03,789 --> 00:55:04,789
Fuck.
910
00:55:07,050 --> 00:55:09,070
You call yourself a salesman?
911
00:55:09,350 --> 00:55:11,830
We spent $400 billion in
the company's money
912
00:55:11,830 --> 00:55:13,610
developing these landmines
for the military.
913
00:55:14,010 --> 00:55:15,870
You better find a way to
unload these things.
914
00:55:16,910 --> 00:55:18,990
Tired of back-breaking yard work?
915
00:55:19,690 --> 00:55:22,230
Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny.
916
00:55:23,190 --> 00:55:25,870
Jumpin' Johnny blasts weeds to pieces.
917
00:55:26,289 --> 00:55:27,550
Frags, ragweeds.
918
00:55:28,350 --> 00:55:29,990
Crabgrass, dandelions.
919
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:31,950
Rabbits, raccoons.
920
00:55:32,769 --> 00:55:33,769
Even elephants.
921
00:55:34,170 --> 00:55:35,810
So what are you waiting for?
922
00:55:35,810 --> 00:55:37,170
Get Jumpin' Johnny today.
923
00:55:40,660 --> 00:55:44,700
It's now time for our weekly
inspirational portrait.
924
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:49,060
This week, the Brendan LaRue story.
925
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:52,240
Brendan LaRue's story
is one of dreams.
926
00:55:52,980 --> 00:55:55,200
As a young boy, he wanted to become a
927
00:55:55,200 --> 00:55:58,400
dancer, but at the age of
12, he lost his legs.
928
00:55:59,060 --> 00:56:02,840
Now, this would be a setback for any
youngster, but not Brendan, who
929
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:08,460
set his eyes on being a surgeon, until,
at age 14, he lost his wrists.
930
00:56:08,460 --> 00:56:12,019
Without my wrists, there was nothing
to keep my hands attached
931
00:56:12,019 --> 00:56:17,720
to my arms, so even though my hands
were fine, I lost them, too.
932
00:56:18,180 --> 00:56:20,880
Now, Brendan may not have
had as many hands and
933
00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:24,280
legs as the other boys, but
there was one dream he
934
00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:27,480
didn't let go of, becoming a
professional hockey player.
935
00:56:29,150 --> 00:56:31,829
At first, the other players
treated him fairly.
936
00:56:32,369 --> 00:56:35,769
But after seeing all the attention that Brendan
was getting, he became jealous.
937
00:56:36,590 --> 00:56:37,849
The special treatment stopped.
938
00:56:38,190 --> 00:56:40,789
Brendan toughed it out in the
minors for two brutal
939
00:56:40,789 --> 00:56:43,970
years, but it all paid off when
he finally got the call.
940
00:56:44,250 --> 00:56:46,289
The coach said, how would
you like to be
941
00:56:46,289 --> 00:56:51,410
pro hockey's first legless,
handless player?
942
00:56:52,269 --> 00:56:56,150
It was an inspiring night,
full of inspiration.
943
00:56:56,869 --> 00:57:02,090
But then, two days later,
Brendan found out that
944
00:57:02,090 --> 00:57:04,930
his ribcage was backwards,
leaving his spine
945
00:57:04,930 --> 00:57:07,930
exposed, and that he needed a
complete muscle transplant.
946
00:57:08,410 --> 00:57:11,530
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.
947
00:57:12,030 --> 00:57:13,389
Brendan came back better than ever.
948
00:57:17,599 --> 00:57:20,619
Brendan persevered and
was selected for MVP.
949
00:57:21,699 --> 00:57:25,019
But just when it seemed like the
dark clouds had finally passed,
950
00:57:25,599 --> 00:57:31,179
Brendan contracted scurvy, went bankrupt,
and his wife was eaten by wolves.
951
00:57:31,599 --> 00:57:33,900
He was also molested
by his Uncle Jerry.
952
00:57:34,739 --> 00:57:37,819
Today, Brendan's journey has
opened the door for many
953
00:57:37,819 --> 00:57:41,019
athletes who never would have
been given a chance if
954
00:57:41,019 --> 00:57:44,639
he hadn't broken down pro sports
physical ability barrier.
955
00:57:45,639 --> 00:57:49,059
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,
cerebral palsy
956
00:57:49,059 --> 00:57:52,440
sufferer and three-time national
equestrian champ.
957
00:57:55,519 --> 00:57:58,199
Blind stock car driver,
Bobby Templeton.
958
00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:06,840
Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors.
959
00:58:11,349 --> 00:58:15,630
Gil Saarinen, the world's first
professional comatose diver.
960
00:58:20,099 --> 00:58:24,039
And, of course, Chicago
shooting guard Herbie
961
00:58:24,039 --> 00:58:26,239
Cohn, who was born with Judaism.
962
00:58:36,760 --> 00:58:41,220
Yes, none of it would have been possible
without Brendan LaRue.
963
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:44,280
A true inspirational portrait.
964
00:58:46,550 --> 00:58:50,910
In adult entertainment industry
news the nation's porn stars
965
00:58:50,910 --> 00:58:55,150
gathered today in Los Angeles in a
unified demand for stronger more
966
00:58:55,150 --> 00:59:00,490
intense sexual intercourse Fuck me with
your big cock, give it to me harder
967
00:59:03,250 --> 00:59:08,789
Calling the tragedy a terrible
unintentional mistake The Los
968
00:59:08,789 --> 00:59:12,150
Angeles Police Department issued
an apology today for the
969
00:59:12,150 --> 00:59:16,990
accidental shooting clubbing, stabbing,
firebombing, choking,
970
00:59:17,210 --> 00:59:20,970
impaling, electrocution, lethal
injection death of an
971
00:59:20,970 --> 00:59:25,570
African-American man I'm Kip Kendall
reporting for The Onion
972
00:59:25,570 --> 00:59:29,950
News As the conflict between Slaravia
and Ismanistan deepens
973
00:59:30,389 --> 00:59:34,269
college campuses across this country
have become a hotbed of
974
00:59:34,269 --> 00:59:36,710
political activity We're
here in Santa Cruz,
975
00:59:36,890 --> 00:59:40,690
California today Let's listen
in Stop the violence
976
00:59:46,410 --> 00:59:47,410
Increase the peace!
977
00:59:49,599 --> 00:59:53,159
For the past three years,
Sloravia and Azministan,
978
00:59:53,759 --> 00:59:56,219
they've been locked in a pointless
and bloody war.
979
00:59:57,299 --> 01:00:01,219
Their cowardly leaders sent innocent
young men into battle to die.
980
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:04,400
Well, you know what?
981
01:00:05,259 --> 01:00:08,539
We need to put those leaders in a
room and let them fight it out!
982
01:00:13,550 --> 01:00:17,230
And you know what else, what these
countries need to do, what
983
01:00:17,230 --> 01:00:20,670
they need to do, they need to listen
to their women a little more.
984
01:00:21,950 --> 01:00:24,670
Because women, women create life.
985
01:00:25,210 --> 01:00:27,150
Why, men, they destroy it.
986
01:00:28,590 --> 01:00:31,230
So let's all stand up against
the corporate war
987
01:00:31,230 --> 01:00:34,090
machine that only exists
to do the imperialist
988
01:00:34,090 --> 01:00:39,490
agenda against the, the oppressed
minority, right?
989
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:46,000
Love you brother.
990
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:47,400
Peace.
991
01:00:47,420 --> 01:00:48,420
One love.
992
01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:56,860
Excuse me, Chad.
993
01:00:57,380 --> 01:00:58,380
What's up?
994
01:00:58,500 --> 01:00:59,500
We're at the UN.
995
01:00:59,640 --> 01:01:02,840
And let me just say, we
are very impressed.
996
01:01:03,260 --> 01:01:05,080
What you set up there
was dead on, Chad.
997
01:01:05,220 --> 01:01:06,220
Dead on.
998
01:01:06,820 --> 01:01:07,820
What?
999
01:01:07,900 --> 01:01:11,200
We want you to negotiate talks between
Sloravia and Azministan.
1000
01:01:12,620 --> 01:01:13,780
Shut up, dude.
1001
01:01:14,420 --> 01:01:16,160
We're convinced you're the man who can
1002
01:01:16,160 --> 01:01:18,580
finally bring peace to
this troubled region.
1003
01:01:19,620 --> 01:01:20,620
Will you do it, Chad?
1004
01:01:20,900 --> 01:01:23,960
Will you help us increase the peace?
1005
01:01:28,159 --> 01:01:30,920
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, dude, I'm in.
1006
01:01:31,199 --> 01:01:32,299
Ray, would you come with me, please?
1007
01:01:39,599 --> 01:01:44,799
Your systematic campaign of aggression
against my country is the...
1008
01:01:44,799 --> 01:01:47,759
Our military operations are purely in
1009
01:01:47,759 --> 01:01:50,779
response to your repeated
violation of the treaty.
1010
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:53,299
You are the one to violate
the peace treaty.
1011
01:01:53,359 --> 01:01:54,659
-We?
-You are lying to me.
1012
01:01:54,939 --> 01:01:56,219
Don't speak Russian to me.
1013
01:01:56,219 --> 01:01:58,599
You are lying to me. I speak
Ukrainian, not Russian.
1014
01:01:59,199 --> 01:02:00,199
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1015
01:02:00,219 --> 01:02:01,500
Guys, guys, chill.
1016
01:02:01,939 --> 01:02:02,939
Chill.
1017
01:02:03,159 --> 01:02:04,399
Let's take a chill pill here.
1018
01:02:07,750 --> 01:02:11,050
Don't you guys realize
that war, no matter
1019
01:02:11,050 --> 01:02:14,250
how justified it may seem,
it's not the answer?
1020
01:02:16,409 --> 01:02:17,409
It's not?
1021
01:02:19,110 --> 01:02:20,110
Nah, man.
1022
01:02:21,570 --> 01:02:22,829
Love is the answer.
1023
01:02:27,860 --> 01:02:32,140
Now, let's get this peace
shit started.
1024
01:02:41,199 --> 01:02:44,699
♪
1025
01:02:45,239 --> 01:02:48,919
♪
1026
01:02:49,439 --> 01:02:54,159
♪
1027
01:02:57,500 --> 01:03:01,599
♪
1028
01:03:02,000 --> 01:03:05,539
♪
1029
01:03:06,239 --> 01:03:11,559
♪
1030
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:33,000
♪
1031
01:03:34,650 --> 01:03:36,570
What are you mumbling about, man?
1032
01:03:37,190 --> 01:03:38,289
Wait a minute.
1033
01:03:39,130 --> 01:03:42,889
I'll wait a minute if it won't last
as long as we waited when your...
1034
01:03:43,730 --> 01:03:44,889
You're so nervous.
1035
01:03:46,630 --> 01:03:47,710
Wait a minute.
1036
01:03:48,050 --> 01:03:49,450
How can I not be nervous?
1037
01:03:49,650 --> 01:03:50,650
First you bought my country.
1038
01:03:50,809 --> 01:03:51,809
Now you say, give it to me.
1039
01:03:51,869 --> 01:03:53,110
You're as crazy as you are.
1040
01:03:53,230 --> 01:03:56,410
But my people can read, they
can read 51 percent.
1041
01:03:56,630 --> 01:04:00,990
Oh my God, but I didn't cut 200,000
of my people in the last...
1042
01:04:00,990 --> 01:04:01,990
And you know what?
1043
01:04:04,670 --> 01:04:08,829
In international news, the crisis
between Slovenia and
1044
01:04:08,829 --> 01:04:13,019
Azmenistan deepened today when the leaders
of the two rival nations...
1045
01:04:15,599 --> 01:04:17,099
I do what I do.
1046
01:04:17,780 --> 01:04:18,780
Mm, thanks.
1047
01:04:18,940 --> 01:04:19,940
Sorry.
1048
01:04:21,030 --> 01:04:22,030
Oh, God!
1049
01:04:27,049 --> 01:04:30,929
Tomorrow is the deadline for Slorovia
to pull out of the Uzbekiak region.
1050
01:04:33,349 --> 01:04:36,789
If it's not our lead story, consider
it my resignation.
1051
01:04:40,349 --> 01:04:41,389
Cockpunch Mania
1052
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:47,000
♪
1053
01:04:53,500 --> 01:04:56,500
♪
1054
01:04:56,550 --> 01:04:57,630
Two minutes, Norm.
1055
01:04:59,500 --> 01:05:04,500
♪
1056
01:05:04,750 --> 01:05:09,750
♪
1057
01:05:10,000 --> 01:05:15,000
♪
1058
01:05:15,250 --> 01:05:20,250
♪
1059
01:05:20,500 --> 01:05:23,500
♪
1060
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:29,000
♪
1061
01:05:29,250 --> 01:05:34,250
♪
1062
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:41,000
♪
1063
01:05:41,250 --> 01:05:46,250
♪
1064
01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:54,000
♪
1065
01:05:54,250 --> 01:05:59,250
♪
1066
01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:03,000
♪
1067
01:06:14,099 --> 01:06:17,519
The Onion News, America's finest news
1068
01:06:17,519 --> 01:06:20,460
source, featuring Dana Dawes,
1069
01:06:21,079 --> 01:06:26,139
senior correspondent Kim Kendall, and
award-winning anchor Norm Archer.
1070
01:06:37,099 --> 01:06:42,480
For the past 27 years, I've sat
at this desk, dedicating
1071
01:06:42,480 --> 01:06:45,920
myself to one thing, delivering
the news to you, the
1072
01:06:45,920 --> 01:06:51,000
American viewing public, in the most fair,
balanced, serious way possible.
1073
01:06:51,599 --> 01:06:52,599
What's he doing?
1074
01:06:53,059 --> 01:06:55,380
Well, things are changing
in the news game,
1075
01:06:56,000 --> 01:06:59,039
and I've been under pressure
to change with them.
1076
01:06:59,539 --> 01:07:02,719
The powers that be at this
network have done
1077
01:07:02,719 --> 01:07:05,759
everything they can to get me
to compromise my values.
1078
01:07:05,759 --> 01:07:07,219
So what do they want me to do?
1079
01:07:08,059 --> 01:07:10,659
Plug our parent company's
movies and other
1080
01:07:10,659 --> 01:07:13,380
products like a two-bit
network news whore?
1081
01:07:14,299 --> 01:07:15,299
Motherfucker.
1082
01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:19,079
Well, I've been giving this
whole ugly business a
1083
01:07:19,079 --> 01:07:22,000
lot of thought, and just
a few moments before
1084
01:07:22,000 --> 01:07:25,799
going on the air tonight, I finally
came to a conclusion.
1085
01:07:26,839 --> 01:07:28,759
And that conclusion is...
1086
01:07:29,440 --> 01:07:32,739
Nobody move, or the anchor
infidel dies!
1087
01:07:34,399 --> 01:07:37,980
The Al-Qhutaiyah terrorist
organization officially
1088
01:07:37,980 --> 01:07:43,139
declares war on the decadent, immoral
United States of Satan.
1089
01:07:43,460 --> 01:07:44,579
We shit on your country!
1090
01:07:45,299 --> 01:07:46,299
And piss also!
1091
01:07:50,079 --> 01:07:54,259
On live television, the American
people will watch
1092
01:07:54,259 --> 01:07:59,119
this great spreader of Western
lies get blown to bits.
1093
01:08:01,000 --> 01:08:04,119
the United States government formally
1094
01:08:04,779 --> 01:08:08,380
apologizes for its rotting
immoral culture.
1095
01:08:09,179 --> 01:08:10,599
Like that's gonna happen.
1096
01:08:11,119 --> 01:08:13,980
Are you listening, Mr. President?
1097
01:08:15,059 --> 01:08:16,619
We might be fucked, sir.
1098
01:08:17,199 --> 01:08:18,220
We will do it.
1099
01:08:18,579 --> 01:08:22,180
We will kill him right here if
you do not meet our demands.
1100
01:08:28,149 --> 01:08:29,569
I don't think you have the balls.
1101
01:08:31,069 --> 01:08:32,069
Cock puncher!
1102
01:08:32,549 --> 01:08:36,009
Ahmed, it is the mighty
puncher of cocks.
1103
01:08:36,500 --> 01:08:42,000
♪
1104
01:08:42,300 --> 01:08:43,300
I'm hungry.
1105
01:08:44,020 --> 01:08:48,320
I could sure go for a sundae
top with crushed nuts.
1106
01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:49,600
Yummy.
1107
01:08:52,500 --> 01:08:58,000
♪
1108
01:08:58,649 --> 01:08:59,649
Woo! Got you!
1109
01:09:01,000 --> 01:09:04,500
♪
1110
01:09:11,000 --> 01:09:14,500
♪
1111
01:09:15,000 --> 01:09:18,260
I believe you'll be releasing
Norm now.
1112
01:09:18,500 --> 01:09:21,800
Not so fast, cock puncher.
1113
01:09:29,600 --> 01:09:33,720
Those clever terrorists,
they block their cocks.
1114
01:09:34,820 --> 01:09:36,280
Maybe I can be of some assistance.
1115
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:38,340
Hit it, boys!
1116
01:09:40,000 --> 01:09:45,899
♪
1117
01:09:45,899 --> 01:09:47,059
♪
1118
01:09:47,059 --> 01:09:52,059
♪
1119
01:09:52,309 --> 01:09:55,809
♪
1120
01:09:56,250 --> 01:09:59,500
♪
1121
01:10:00,899 --> 01:10:02,699
What the fuck is going on?
1122
01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:09,000
♪
1123
01:10:13,000 --> 01:10:18,000
♪
1124
01:10:18,250 --> 01:10:22,000
♪
1125
01:10:23,399 --> 01:10:27,779
Your immoral Western sexuality
will not work on us.
1126
01:10:28,219 --> 01:10:31,899
Mr. President, the time has come
to give in to our demands.
1127
01:10:32,319 --> 01:10:37,439
If we do not hear from you in ten seconds,
we will kill everyone in the studio.
1128
01:10:38,819 --> 01:10:39,979
We might be fucked, sir.
1129
01:10:40,339 --> 01:10:41,339
Ten!
1130
01:10:41,439 --> 01:10:42,439
Nine!
1131
01:10:47,750 --> 01:10:48,750
Oh!
1132
01:10:56,750 --> 01:10:57,869
That's so rotten.
1133
01:10:58,729 --> 01:10:59,729
Peruvians.
1134
01:10:59,770 --> 01:11:01,189
Daddy, what's a Peruvian?
1135
01:11:02,430 --> 01:11:03,649
It's kind of like a Mexican sign.
1136
01:11:04,050 --> 01:11:05,050
Viva Peru!
1137
01:11:05,489 --> 01:11:06,489
Que viva.
1138
01:11:06,500 --> 01:11:11,500
♪
1139
01:11:11,750 --> 01:11:13,000
♪
1140
01:11:17,500 --> 01:11:22,500
♪
1141
01:11:22,750 --> 01:11:25,000
♪
1142
01:11:28,699 --> 01:11:33,460
And Capunchero amigo,
your balls are his.
1143
01:11:37,500 --> 01:11:42,500
♪
1144
01:11:42,750 --> 01:11:45,500
♪
1145
01:11:49,000 --> 01:11:53,500
♪
1146
01:11:55,949 --> 01:12:00,989
You know, Amon, violence is
almost never necessary.
1147
01:12:02,069 --> 01:12:04,789
I admit, I've punched thousands
upon thousands
1148
01:12:04,789 --> 01:12:06,769
of cocks in my life, but I've
never killed anyone.
1149
01:12:07,329 --> 01:12:10,210
Because no matter what your
religion might be, no
1150
01:12:10,210 --> 01:12:13,229
matter what your politics might
be, no matter how much
1151
01:12:13,229 --> 01:12:17,170
money's involved, there's never
any reason to take human life.
1152
01:12:17,470 --> 01:12:19,649
Human life is the most precious
thing there is.
1153
01:12:19,989 --> 01:12:20,989
Fuckin' A, man.
1154
01:12:21,189 --> 01:12:22,550
That's some cool shit, man.
1155
01:12:23,710 --> 01:12:24,710
You know what?
1156
01:12:29,300 --> 01:12:32,159
You are absolutely right,
cock-puncher.
1157
01:12:33,020 --> 01:12:35,440
Violence is not the answer.
1158
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:38,640
Terrorism never solved anything.
1159
01:12:39,320 --> 01:12:40,820
To hell with terrorism!
1160
01:12:40,860 --> 01:12:41,860
Yeah!
1161
01:12:41,940 --> 01:12:42,940
Yeah.
1162
01:12:42,940 --> 01:12:46,820
I'm sick and tired of living
in a fucking cave.
1163
01:12:48,060 --> 01:12:50,840
I'm sick of doing nothing but
cursing the West all day.
1164
01:12:51,820 --> 01:12:52,820
Jesus H.
1165
01:12:52,900 --> 01:12:53,900
Allah!
1166
01:12:54,079 --> 01:12:55,920
I like the West!
1167
01:12:56,239 --> 01:12:57,440
God bless America.
1168
01:12:57,440 --> 01:12:58,539
I like TV.
1169
01:12:59,460 --> 01:13:01,720
And I like-double-cheeseburgers.
1170
01:13:02,079 --> 01:13:04,180
And I like the rapping music.
1171
01:13:05,020 --> 01:13:08,400
But most of all, I like
1172
01:13:08,400 --> 01:13:12,659
this big-budget blockbuster
action hero.
1173
01:13:13,400 --> 01:13:16,000
Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!
1174
01:13:25,250 --> 01:13:28,310
Hey Norm, crazy shit, huh?
1175
01:13:31,399 --> 01:13:35,359
Look, with all due respect, we
just wanted to ask, uh...
1176
01:13:35,359 --> 01:13:37,079
what were you gonna say
during your speech?
1177
01:13:37,559 --> 01:13:41,399
Yeah, we were wondering what the conclusion
that you came to was.
1178
01:13:42,079 --> 01:13:45,079
Well, I was going to say, I'm mad as hell
and not going to take it anymore.
1179
01:13:45,639 --> 01:13:47,579
But after what just happened,
I think I've
1180
01:13:47,579 --> 01:13:49,279
learned a little lesson
I won't soon forget.
1181
01:13:49,859 --> 01:13:52,359
As a matter of fact, I think we've all
1182
01:13:52,359 --> 01:13:55,059
learned a few things in
the past 90 minutes.
1183
01:13:56,819 --> 01:13:59,059
We've learned that Irishmen
have huge nipples.
1184
01:13:59,920 --> 01:14:03,579
We've learned that film critic intellectuals
are a bunch of gaywads.
1185
01:14:04,199 --> 01:14:06,439
And most of all, we've learned...
1186
01:14:06,439 --> 01:14:10,019
that creeping corporate influence
over the news...
1187
01:14:11,379 --> 01:14:13,119
protects us from terrorism.
1188
01:14:18,250 --> 01:14:20,869
Hey, everybody, we're
all gonna get laid.
1189
01:14:41,149 --> 01:14:44,170
I can't help but think
it must have taken a
1190
01:14:44,170 --> 01:14:47,449
lot of courage to make such
a provocative film.
1191
01:14:48,069 --> 01:14:53,909
And joining us to discuss just that
is the man who greenlit the film.
1192
01:14:54,149 --> 01:14:55,149
Thanks, Kenneth.
1193
01:14:55,210 --> 01:14:56,210
Pleasure to be here.
1194
01:14:56,389 --> 01:14:59,809
So, uh, now while you gave
the makers of this
1195
01:14:59,809 --> 01:15:03,069
film tremendous leeway,
obviously, still there
1196
01:15:03,069 --> 01:15:05,429
was some material that you
simply refused to allow?
1197
01:15:05,729 --> 01:15:06,729
That's true.
1198
01:15:06,789 --> 01:15:09,309
Basically, as committed as
I was to letting these
1199
01:15:09,309 --> 01:15:11,809
guys be free to do their thing,
there were simply
1200
01:15:11,809 --> 01:15:14,750
some images that I just didn't
feel comfortable with.
1201
01:15:15,189 --> 01:15:17,670
Mm-hmm. But I understand you
did bring some clips.
1202
01:15:18,009 --> 01:15:21,069
That's right. I would like to show
some special bonus material.
1203
01:15:21,269 --> 01:15:23,589
These are scenes that didn't
make it into the movie.
1204
01:15:24,189 --> 01:15:25,189
Great.
1205
01:15:25,250 --> 01:15:26,250
Let's take a look.
1206
01:15:42,050 --> 01:15:46,670
So what we do is we get the kitty, and
we put it in a simple egg batter.
1207
01:15:48,050 --> 01:15:49,570
Okay, shh, that's fine.
1208
01:15:49,930 --> 01:15:53,869
And then we just simply roll it around,
making sure we cover the whole thing.
1209
01:15:53,949 --> 01:15:55,329
-It's all right, baby.
-It's okay.
1210
01:15:56,430 --> 01:16:00,070
Completely cover it in an herbed
breadcrumb batter here.
1211
01:16:00,350 --> 01:16:01,430
Okay, thank you.
1212
01:16:01,930 --> 01:16:03,430
Oh, excuse me.
1213
01:16:03,590 --> 01:16:04,590
Canola oil.
1214
01:16:06,659 --> 01:16:09,399
You know, I think you have
to draw a line somewhere.
1215
01:16:17,500 --> 01:16:22,119
♪
1216
01:16:22,119 --> 01:16:27,659
♪
1217
01:16:27,659 --> 01:16:28,259
bus,
1218
01:16:28,260 --> 01:16:32,239
♪
1219
01:16:32,239 --> 01:16:32,938
you to take
1220
01:16:33,019 --> 01:16:38,019
♪
1221
01:16:38,269 --> 01:16:43,100
♪
1222
01:16:43,100 --> 01:16:44,940
♪
1223
01:16:44,940 --> 01:16:49,280
♪
1224
01:16:49,280 --> 01:16:53,470
♪
1225
01:16:53,470 --> 01:16:57,359
♪
1226
01:16:59,259 --> 01:17:02,800
♪
1227
01:17:02,800 --> 01:17:06,189
♪
1228
01:17:06,189 --> 01:17:11,189
♪
1229
01:17:11,439 --> 01:17:15,500
♪
1230
01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:25,079
♪
1231
01:17:25,079 --> 01:17:28,119
♪
1232
01:17:28,760 --> 01:17:31,639
♪
1233
01:17:31,639 --> 01:17:34,850
♪
1234
01:17:34,850 --> 01:17:38,010
♪
1235
01:17:38,010 --> 01:17:42,590
♪
1236
01:17:42,590 --> 01:17:43,789
below your waist
1237
01:17:46,350 --> 01:17:49,390
♪
1238
01:17:49,490 --> 01:17:54,069
♪
1239
01:17:54,089 --> 01:17:56,689
♪
1240
01:17:56,829 --> 01:17:58,369
♪
1241
01:17:58,609 --> 01:17:59,729
♪
1242
01:18:00,500 --> 01:18:05,500
♪
1243
01:18:05,750 --> 01:18:10,750
♪
1244
01:18:11,000 --> 01:18:12,600
♪
1245
01:18:12,600 --> 01:18:17,610
♪
1246
01:18:17,610 --> 01:18:22,610
♪
1247
01:18:22,860 --> 01:18:24,220
♪
1248
01:18:24,960 --> 01:18:29,960
♪
1249
01:18:30,210 --> 01:18:35,210
♪
1250
01:18:35,460 --> 01:18:40,460
♪
1251
01:18:40,710 --> 01:18:45,550
♪
1252
01:18:46,550 --> 01:18:51,550
♪
1253
01:18:51,800 --> 01:18:56,800
♪
1254
01:18:57,050 --> 01:19:02,050
♪
1255
01:19:02,300 --> 01:19:07,300
♪
1256
01:19:07,550 --> 01:19:10,750
♪
1257
01:19:10,750 --> 01:19:11,770
♪
1258
01:19:11,770 --> 01:19:16,770
♪
1259
01:19:17,020 --> 01:19:22,020
♪
1260
01:19:22,270 --> 01:19:27,270
♪
1261
01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:28,949
♪
1262
01:19:28,949 --> 01:19:31,309
♪
1263
01:19:31,309 --> 01:19:36,309
♪
1264
01:19:36,559 --> 01:19:41,559
♪
1265
01:19:41,809 --> 01:19:46,809
♪
1266
01:19:47,059 --> 01:19:52,059
♪
1267
01:19:52,309 --> 01:19:57,309
♪
1268
01:19:57,559 --> 01:20:02,559
♪
1269
01:20:02,809 --> 01:20:07,809
♪
1270
01:20:11,779 --> 01:20:14,500
For The Onion News, this
is Norm Archer.
1271
01:20:15,479 --> 01:20:16,739
Fuck you, and good night.
92715
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