All language subtitles for Schitts Creek S01E08 Allez-Vous.DVDRip.NonHI.cc.en.LNSGT

Mom, can you come here, please?

- What?
- I said, come here, please.

You come here.

We got a big box sent to us.

- We did?
- It's a package.

- Who's it from?
- I don't know.

Oh! It's for me.

"Thinking of you."

"Dear M, hope this helps,

"I only wish I could
do more, xoxo J.S.P."

Justine St. Pierre!

David, one of my dear
friends is finally reaching out,

and you know what, I
knew it would be Justine.

She can be an angry drunk,
but we were always close.

"Congratulations on
your Allez Vous starter kit."

That frigid whore.

What's Allez Vous?

It's a scam,

it's her stupid
cosmetics company.

It's a pyramid scheme
for desperate housewives

and struggling actors.

Well, how much can
we make from this?

David, it's an insult.
We're sending it back.

Well, apparently
you can win an Audi.

What colour?

A champagne Audi, look at that.

As if you could ever sell

enough of this
crap to get a car.

Well, Kristi Stubbs and
her team out of Montreal

have sold enough
to get the car, so...

Don't believe everything
you read, dear, please.

Burn it. Except this mascara.

So, Ray can't lend me his car
today, because he has to drive

his 92-year-old
mother somewhere.

Where does a 92-year-old
woman need to go?

I don't know, John,
perhaps the hospital?

Yeah, well, it's just
I needed that car

to get to my appointment today.

What appointment?

Well, you know, the, uh...

Thing that I had, I
had a thing that I...

What thing?

An unemployment thing, okay?

To get unemployment insurance,

I have a meeting this afternoon,

and now I have to
grovel to Roland,

to get his truck, in order to get
to Elmdale, to get this money...

Well, I think you're brave,

and while I didn't see us
living off of food stamps,

I think there is
something very masculine

about the way you're
taking control of the situation.

Sweetheart, I'm
about to beg for a truck,

in order to beg for money,

I think you've gotta raise
that masculinity bar just...

Just a little.

Roland.

- Hey, Johnny.
- Hi.

- What?
- Hi.

- Can't hear you.
- Hey, turn the motor off.

I can't hear you,
the motor's on.

Turn the motor off!

Turn the motor off,
you dumb son of a...

Well, what can I do for
you, you dumb son of a...

Hey, Roland, I need to... I
need to borrow your truck.

I've got a very important
appointment today,

and, uh, I sure could use it.

Well, of course, Johnny. You
know my truck is your truck,

any time you wanna borrow it,

- it's fine with me. No problem whatsoever.
- Well, that's very nice.

Listen, as the
owner of the truck,

would you do me
one favour though?

When you return it, can
you bring the seats back up

- the way I had 'em? I'd appreciate that.
- I do.

Well, you don't. But if
you could, I'd appreciate it.

- Well, I think I do.
- Here's the keys,

- and, uh, also, uh,
when you return it...
- Thank you.

If you don't mind
just backing it in,

because in the morning
I have to kinda crick...

Yeah, I'll back
it in, I'll back it in.

My neck like that, if
you could back it in,

- that would be terrific.
- Sure, I'll back it in.

The wiper fluid, um...

I had to replace
sooner than usual.

- Now, I'm not asking...
- I don't touch
the wiper fluid.

- Well, okay, somebody did.
- I never use it.

Yeah, well, I guess your "Imaginary
friend" uses wiper fluid, right?

I don't know. I'm not
asking for payback here,

but whatever you think's
fair would be terrific.

Okay, I never use it, though.

- The radio was at a four. I like it at a 10, so...
- Okay.

You know what,
I'm gonna walk, so...

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna walk, Roland.

- What do you mean
you're walking?
- I don't want your truck!

- No, no,
the truck's right there.
- I don't need your truck.

It's gonna be there all day.

I'm just asking, maybe you could put a
little air in the tyres from time to time.

Bonjour.

Now that you've opened
your Allez Vous starter kit,

let's begin with those
essential tips and tricks

you'll need to make
up to $600,000 a year.

That's $50,000 a month.

That's $7,000 a week.

No, it isn't. She didn't
finish high school.

Now, you've heard of
other get rich quick schemes,

but this isn't a
scheme, it's a system.

Look at the work she's had done.

It's grotesque.

Go grab a pen and paper,
because I'm about to share with you

some essential tips and tricks

to maximize your
sales productivity.

If this seems like
a dream come true,

you need to pay attention
to my tips and tricks.

But the best part is...

Okay, where are
the tips and tricks?

We've been watching this for
five minutes, she's talking in circles.

Because it's a scam.

But if your father's willing to go
out there and sell his soul, dear,

the least we can do is
try to sell this garbage.

- What's this?
- Huh?

Oh, it's a sunless bronzing.

Okay, let's sell it.
How hard could it be?

You sell you. You sell
you using Allez Vous.

- Okay, we're going
to have a luncheon.
- A luncheon?

Mmm-hmm. A luncheon
for our little townie friends.

It's the least we could do.

- Hmm.
- Tricks, community, - opportunity, tips...

Twyla?

- Hey, what's up?
- Nothing.

So, um, Ted ordered toast,

not home fries, and
he got home fries.

- So, would you just be
a peach, and...
- Oh, sorry.

No, you know what? It's
okay. I'm... I'm good with it.

I like home fries. I'm
gonna eat 'em, so...

First day of a cleanse,
so she's a little...

Okay, so I can take it back.

- That'd actually be great,
if you wouldn't...
- No. No, thank you.

Lex, if you'll just let me
eat my breakfast here.

It's not like there's
broken glass in it.

There's broken glass?

No, there is not
broken glass in it,

just a lot of great flavours
that I can't wait to taste.

Great.

Thank you.

I'm just trying to help you.

Well, if you wanna
help, eat something.

I do not like what this
cleanse is doing to your brain.

You're being very rude.

I'm sorry for yelling.

Ain't she a beaut?

Boy, is she ever,
Bob. You know, I, uh...

I woke up this
morning, I said to myself,

"Johnny, you've gotta
buy yourself a car."

You may have a business meeting in Elmdale
one day and you're gonna be in trouble.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't have
thought this was your cup of tea.

Oh, this is exactly
what I was looking for.

Yeah, I'd love to, uh, take
this baby out for a test drive.

Yeah? I've got the keys,
let's, uh, take her for a spin.

Not with you, Bob, I, I
don't wanna bother you.

It's no bother.

I would just love to take this
out myself, Bob, you know,

a little peccadillo of mine
when I'm buying a car.

I like to experience
the car one-on-one,

just me and the machine,
you know what I mean?

No, I don't.

I just wanna take it out for a
test drive, Bob, just for a spin.

So, once around the block?

Oh, yeah, once around the block,

you know, maybe around
the corner, up the road a bit.

What road?

Well, this road, I'll
take it up this road.

Okay, but, uh, no lefts, okay?
Because they lead to the highway,

and I... I really don't
want her on the highway.

Why would I take
it on the highway?

♪ Driving down
that highway of life

♪ Feelin' fine and feelin' sunny

♪ Going to pick me
up some money ♪

You do know that just staring at the
fence isn't gonna help me fix it, right?

Yeah, I am.

I'm just thinking about
Ted, and how nice he is

and generous... Like,
almost too generous.

And I just wanna grab him
by the sweater sometime,

and be like, "Stop being
so generous and nice."

He always has been.

I feel bad thinking about all those
times I pinned him against a locker.

You pinned somebody
against a locker?

Well, I was a
different person then,

a lot changed since
after high school.

So what did he do to make
you such a teenage cliche?

He always said "hi" when
he passed me in the halls

and for some
reason, it bugged me.

Yeah, I can see that.

So, he's bugging you.

- What? No. Oh, my God, no.
- Oh, yes.

No, I'm just saying,
generally speaking,

when you order breakfast and
they give you the wrong order,

send it back and
get the right order.

I never return food.
I think that's so rude.

Oh, no.

Oh, son of a bum!

Son of a bitch!

What the hell?

Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Well, the good news is all
you need is a new fan belt,

- and then you'll be
right back on the road.
- Good, good.

Well, it was important I get
to Elmdale today, Roland.

I appreciate you,
uh, helping me out.

Ah, it's no problem, Johnny.

So, where in, uh,
Elmdale am I taking you?

Oh, just the, uh, general
downtown area will be fine.

Okay, don't wanna tell me
where we're going. Interesting.

It's, uh, just a
business meeting,

- uh, just I've gotta
meet a guy.
- Uh-huh. What guy?

A financial guy, it's
a financial matter.

Well, Johnny, it's gonna be awfully
hard for me to get you to this meeting

if I don't know
where we're going.

I mean, why is this
such a big secret?

And you're only doing
25, if we could pick it up...

Oh, my God, now
you're in such a hurry.

What's the big rush here?
I don't get that, either.

The office closes
at 4:00, that's all.

What office are
you talking about?

The financial guy that...

What financial guy?

- The guy I'm doing
business with, I told you.
- Where are we going?

The unemployment office!

Okay?

I'm applying for unemployment.

Pfft.

Jeez, pal, your business
is your business.

I don't know why
you're telling me.

Well, good afternoon.

Everyone have a
full glass, I hope?

We've wanted to have
you all here for ages.

You've all so
graciously welcomed us

into your heavenly hamlet.

Now, if you'll be so
good as to follow me,

David is setting out some hors
d'oeuvres in our adjoining suite.

David, we have guests.

You were supposed
to have cleaned up

all these quality products.

I must've lost track of time.

Now the seating
areas are covered

in Allez Vous cosmetics.

I know, I just
didn't want to put

such high quality paraben

and PABA-free
product on the floor.

Come on in.

Okay, well, everything's
going super well, I can see, so...

Well, no, come on,
we've gotta stay for a bit.

No, we've made our
appearance and now we can go.

Your mom asked me to come.

Well, she asked
everybody to come.

Can you not just say
"no" for one time, Ted?

Jocelyn, you can
hold this lip plumper.

Ronnie, this is a
mineral moisturizer.

You could keep it on
your lap, or sample it.

David, now is not
the time to discuss

Allez Vous' preferred
customer discounts.

Actually, I think, I'm going
to be getting lunch elsewhere.

Can I come with you?

I don't think so.

Now you get all decisive-y?

I was just so excited
about Allez Vous'

exclusive anti-aging formula,

and rejuvenation serums.

Alexis, you'd like this product.

It's all about
aging and dry skin.

Oh, my God, ew, David.

David, I know you're excited

to be part of the
fastest growing

multilevel marketing community

on the continent, but honestly.

There's something
wrong with your face.

With my face?

Well, if any of you
do happen to have

questions about the products,

or how to make up
to $600,000 a year,

I suppose I'd be willing to
share with you what I know.

In the meantime,
please, eat, drink.

To your possible beauty.

How can I help you today, sir?

Uh, yes, Johnny Rose,

I have an appointment
to get some money.

Get some money?

I need a check,
preferably today.

Ideally in the next few minutes

'cause I have somebody
waiting in the car.

Well, we don't just
give out money.

First, we need some information.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Your name?
- Johnny Rose.

- Uh, last employer?
- Johnny Rose.

And how long did
you work for yourself?

All my life.

And your reason
for being out of work?

I sold my business

and I got screwed by
my business manager.

Did you pay into
unemployment insurance?

I don't know. Maybe
I did, maybe I didn't.

It never came
across my desk, I...

We can't give you money

unless you contributed
to the program.

I don't think you're
understanding.

I employed people,
hundreds of people.

You see, and now I'm unemployed.

But that doesn't mean you
qualify for unemployment.

I lost my job.

You lost your business.

Okay, let me walk
you through this.

You see, I need money

to get back on my feet

so I can employ more people,

that might actually end up

saving you money
in the long run.

Now, am I the only
one who understands

how an economy
works around here?

Let me walk you
through this, Mr. Rose.

Unless you can prove
that you contributed,

you don't qualify.

If you were laid off, or fired,

or could show that you
were out looking for work,

that would be a different story.

I'd like to talk to your
supervisor, please.

I am the supervisor.

And, may I say, doing...

a fantastic job.

Who's interested?

Well, it doesn't look like
anybody's really interested.

Get out.

I know someone here wants
in on this exclusive opportunity.

Moira, honey,

that champagne Audi
is really hard to get.

- Excuse me?
- Take it from me.

Roland and I have been
Allez Vous reps for two years

and we're still
driving that old truck.

Sorry, you're...

You're an Allez Vous consultant?

I'm actually an
executive area manager.

I'm a district manager.

I'm an executive
district manager.

- I gave up.
- What?

The Allez Vous craze

hit the town a couple years ago,

and you should've seen us.

In two weeks we
had sold everything

to the other half of
town, and vice versa.

That's... That's funny.

It became a bit
incestuous, yeah,

very small sales pool.

It became literally
impossible to climb the ladder.

Anywho, good luck.

Somehow, we got off
on the wrong foot, okay?

So, if I in any way gave
you the impression that...

I am locking up now, Mr. Rose.

Johnny, how long
is this gonna take?

'Cause I got a couple...

Roland?

Well, Marnie,
hello. How are you?

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, it has been
a while, hasn't it?

Marnie and I were,
um... How shall I say it?

Close friends in high school.

Isn't that right, Marnie?

Okay, that's enough of that.

Marnie likes the bad boys.

Roland.

Are you taking care of
my bad boy over there?

No, she's being quite obstinate

about this whole situation.

I'm getting nothing.

Well, unfortunately, Mr. Rose

doesn't qualify for unemployment

because he's never had a job.

Oh, well, didn't he tell you

about the job he
was doing for me?

No, what job?

You didn't tell her?

No, not specifically, I...

Well, that's important
information, Mr. Rose.

You working for Roland
makes you an employee.

- Yes.
- Oh.

I forgot.

Well, what were your duties?

Well, I was in more of
a, uh, consulting position.

Oh.

No, no, no.

It was not a
consulting position,

he was my assistant.

He was like my
little guy Friday.

He would fetch things for me.

I'd tell him where to go
and he'd go running off

and fetching things for me.

What were some of
the things you fetched?

- You fetched like, uh...
- Coffee.

- Coffee, you'd get that,
and, um...
- I get his coffee.

- Sometimes you'd have to...
- Get a hanky?

No, you'd pick up...

His dry-cleaning.

Yeah, you had to
do that and then...

How about these guys
down there? Those are boots.

Nothing with the boots.

Oh, there was
something with the boots.

Polish them every
once in a while.

Every now and then,
he had to do that, too.

He was a hell of a worker

and I really, really needed him,

because you know how busy...

I can get.

Yes, I do.

Yeah, unfortunately I
had to can his ass though,

because of that whole
"cut the gravy" thing, so.

Oh.

Well...

I think we can make this work.

Hey, I come in peace.

What's this?

I don't know, it's,
um, a pre-shave

follicle mask or something.

I took it from the, um, pile of
product that nobody bought.

Sweet gesture.

I'm sorry for being rude.

You have to understand that

you're the first nice
guy that I've dated.

Lex, I am not always nice.

I just really want
my family to like you.

- They don't like me?
- No, they do.

They do. They've just always
seen nice as a sign of weakness,

they take advantage of nice.

No, nice does not
always mean weak, it's...

Okay.

So, get mad then.

Say something super mean.

What, I can't just turn it on
in an instant, like you can.

Okay, well, um...

Consider it a kind
of role play then,

and just let it out.

I don't know.

I find your brother can be

a little pretentious sometimes.

Yes, yes. He is so
pretentious, and it is so gross.

This is good, keep going.

- Well, and your mother...
- Mmm.

Seems to be a little
uninformed at times.

She's uninformed
most of the time.

This is great, this is
really good. Keep going.

Well, and you, what about you?

Are you just going
to sit around all day,

while I work and
buy you dinners?

You've gotta go out
there and get a job...

- Too far. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

That's too far.

All right, and there we go.

Boy, thank you.

Oh, stop it.

No, no, Roland. I owe you big.

Well, um, one day,

and that day may never come,

I may call upon you
to perform a function.

Marlon Brando.

Yes, but from what movie?

The Godfather.

No, it's the one where
he's the big mafia guy.

The Godfather.

Hold on a second,
I'll think of it.

Anyway, I appreciate

what you've done,
Roland, I really do, I'm...

Don't you worry about it,
Johnny, I'm happy to do it.

Why don't you just get
me, uh, a little wiper fluid,

and we'll call it even, okay?

Okay, wiper fluid, you got it.

And also maybe a Kleenex caddy?

I've always wanted one of those.

That's funny.

It is, but I'm not joking.

All right, one Kleenex
caddy, and wiper fluid.

Roland, you screwed it up!

Roland!

Roland!

Son of a bitch!

Oh, Johnny,

I told you not to take
her on the highway.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Bob,

I guess I, uh, took one of those

left turns, and, yeah.

Okay, well, uh, let's
get her hooked up,

get you back to the garage,

and we'll start
on the paperwork.

What paperwork?

It's all filled in, you
just have to sign it,

and she's all yours.

I'm not buying this car.

You change your mind?

It broke, twice.
It's a broken car.

We'll play a little
hardball, okay.

I'll knock 20 bucks off.

You couldn't get
20 bucks for scrap.

Oh.

All right, 30 bucks.

How about zero bucks?

I wouldn't give
you a dime for this.

Johnny, you're killing me here.

- Fifty bucks.
- Oh, you know what, Bob,

I'm walking. I'm walking.

I'll throw in a
couple of floor mats,

but that's my final offer.

Walking.