All language subtitles for Laid.US.S01E03.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

I did it.

No.

I told you chore charts cause
more drama than they prevent.

- That's not what this is.

This is a timeline

of everyone
you have ever had sex with,

in order, along with everything
you ever said about them,

the sex you had,
quality, quantity,

location, and how they died,

if they're dead,
except for Brandon.

Medical examiner is staying

real tight-lipped
about that one.

- Jesus.

But wait, how did you--
- How did I do all this?

Well, I searched our text
thread for the eggplant emoji

and also peanut, oyster, peach,
and taco to cover all my bases.

- Oh, my God.
- I keep every text

I send or receive,
and this is why.

Ta-fucking-da. I stayed up all
night working on it.

- And clearly went to Staples.
- And went to Staples

when they opened
at 8:00 a.m., yes.

Now we finally have
color ink in our printer,

and we also have...

A blow-job overlay.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.
- Okay.

Well, it's there
if you want it.

That's why it's an overlay.
That's how overlays work.

- And I slept with John Early
after I dated that couple.

And I never slept
with Megan's dad.

- No?
That night we all fell asleep

watching
"Manchester by the Sea"?

- I also fell asleep.
- Okay, I'll take him down.

Maybe give Megan
a call, though.

She thinks you fucked her dad.

- And Bar Trivia Guy didn't
wear a Green Day T-shirt.

It was Sum 41.
- Lot of notes.

Okay, thought you said
you loved it.

- Never said that.
Never said those words.

Is this an advent calendar?

- They're female sex addendums.

We don't know yet
if women will die, too,

so we have extra room
just to jot down our thoughts

or any poems
that might come to us.

- You bought yarn for this.
- I bought a lot of things.

Now, what do we do
about Robert?

He's dying but still alive.

Maybe just one slash?

- Ooh, I know.
- Oh, my God.

- Dash, dash, dash.
Dash, dash, dash.

Like in "The Family Circus,"
when you follow Billy.

"Where is Billy?"
"Up in that tree."

Sorry, I've been awake
for 29 hours.

- You're hiding it super well.

- Thank you.
Now, this is everybody, right?

Jason Spotify Ads was
the last guy you had sex with.

- Yep, that's everybody.

- Oh, and Zack.
- What?

- We can't let him see this.

For someone who loves
super-violent video games,

he's a little kid
about actual death,

probably because all of his
grandparents are still alive.

- Right.

Everyone up here is gonna die,

so he definitely shouldn't
see it.

Or be on it.
What? No.

He definitely won't be on it
and won't see it

because he's afraid of death.

- What a puzzle.
I will solve this.

- Will you?

I mean, seriously,
how is this happening?

If six doctors ruled out
my vagina assassinating people,

I think they'll also rule out
long COVID,

body hair, and the moon.

- Okay, those are theories,
which is why they're listed

under "theories" on the board,
which is a judgment-free zone.

So, if you have anything
you'd like to add...

- I don't know. I...

I think I may have, some point,
in a bar or a dressing room,

said I didn't care if some

or maybe all
of these people died.

So maybe someone thinks
they're doing me a favor

by killing them.

- Murder. I love that.
- I want that for us.

I'm putting it up.

Although, after five bodies,

the killer probably would have
sent you a trophy.

Hello?

- I have a delivery
for Ruby Yao.

- Okay, but let's not jump
to any conclusions.

Let's see what it is fir--

- There is a head in this box.
I'll get to that in a second.

I have a stalker who has
already killed five people.

- I'm sorry,
did you just walk back here?

Is there anyone
at the front desk?

- Yes.
I told them why I was here,

and they said to come see you.

Fantastic.

How can I help you?

- I have a stalker
who's killing

everyone I've ever had sex with
because they don't want me

to be with anyone else
but them.

- Oh, that's not
how a stalker works.

They usually kill
the object of their obsession.

- Right.
I've heard this already

from my roommate,
which is why she isn't here

and physically tried
to stop me from coming.

But why would you kill

the person
you're obsessed with?

If they're dead,
you can't be obsessed anymore.

Fun's over.

But for this guy,
the fun's just begun.

I have a Jigsaw,
and I am terrified.

We need to catch this asshole.

- Did you just check to see
if I had a wedding ring?

- Yes, because it's been
ingrained in me,

because that's what
women are forced to do

because of society.

My stalker is winning
right now.

We need to focus.

I am AirDropping a photo
of my sex timeline

to everyone
in this police house.

Is that what it's called?

- It's a precinct.

- It's confronting, I know, but
no one sex-shame me, please.

- This is a healthy body count
for a 30-year-old woman.

- Thank you.

And only 30. bless.

- Okay, so your stalker gave
your ex Michael

male anorexia?

- No, but I think maybe

my stalker took advantage
of it.

Michael couldn't run
because his legs were weak

from low muscle tone.

- And he gave David sepsis.
- Could be an angel of mercy.

We need forensics on this.

And I'll need
a 24-7 police tail.

Honestly,
all these people will,

because they're
about to be murdered.

Or one of them is a murderer,

and we need to act fast
before he kills...

Simon.

Gonna have to rack my brain
on who that is.

- Yeah, you will.

And that's okay.

- Okay, why do we think there's
a human head in this box?

Did we open it?

- My roommate wanted to,
but I was like,

"That'll contaminate
the evidence."

And she's like, "Oh, so now
you're the expert on murder?"

And I'm like, "Uh, it's a head.

It's 8 pounds."

And she's like,
"You can't get your science

from 'Jerry Maguire,'"
and I'm like, "Can't I?

It's well-written."

Again, contamination.

Your pen could leave ink spots
on the box tape.

How would we lift prints?

- Oh, our print lifter
has a pen attachment.

- Do you want
some eucalyptus ointment

to dab under your nose?

It's gonna smell.
- Stop. Nope, I'm good.

Thank you.

- Oh, my God.
Okay, here we go.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Are the eyes missing?
Is there a note in the mouth?

I have tweezers.

I ordered snow globes
for a party I'm planning.

Had a really cute idea
for the c-centerpieces.

I really could have
a stalker, though.

Five people really are dead.

- Right.

Well, since we're not allowed

to dismiss women
out of hand anymore

or use words like
"overreacting" or "hysterical"

or "on the rag," I'm just gonna
have to say to you,

thank you for entrusting us
with your safety.

Have a nice day.

I am not crazy.

I didn't say you were,
'cause I'm not allowed to.

You can check my body-cam
footage for verification.

- Oh, man, Stu Jackward died?

He just came off
injured reserve.

- Hey.

I thought we said 1:00.
It's only 10:30.

- Oh, yeah,
my last meeting ended

a little earlier
than I thought.

But good news.

Oh, the snow globes came.

- Snow globes came.
- Not a human head.

- Yeah, my parents
are gonna love this.

Come in. Come in.

- Another shipment's coming
from Scotland.

I was just on the phone
with them.

Tough accent to navigate.

- My dad does
a great Scottish brogue.

Purple burglar alarm.

He does it way better.

Try it
like you're gargling marbles.

That was
Sean Connery counseling you.

Is that "The Greatest Showman"?

- Ah, I don't know.

I just--I think
the TV just came like that.

- Um...

are you an undercover
musical lover?

Because throw
those covers off, honey.

I am right here.

- Wait, are you serious?
You like musicals?

- Okay, I know
it's an impossible question,

but what's your favorite?

- Classic?
"Singin' in the Rain."

- I was Donald O'Connor
last Halloween.

- More recent,
"Hedwig and the Angry Inch."

- I was John Cameron Mitchell
the Halloween before that.

- And animated...

both: "Beauty and the Beast."

Not gonna lie--

attracted to Beast.

- The end of "Be Our Guest,"
when the feather duster started

doing a little cancan
and the champagne bottles pop.

- I levitated
and maybe cried a little.

- I cried a lot,

or, like, you know,
like a regular amount

a-a guy would cry.

I love that you love musicals.

- Yeah, I used to watch them
all the time with my parents.

- I love how close
you are with them.

My mom died when I was 18,

and then my dad
kind of dipped out, so...

not a lot of closeness there.

I haven't seen him in years.

Save a lot on cards, though.

- Who still sends cards?
Uh, I do.

When's your birthday?
- Uh, May 26th.

You're getting a card.

Oh, great.

Can I get you
something to drink?

- Gin.
Kidding. Surprise me.

Man, it's kind of nice
to talk musicals again.

Merci, she doesn't like 'em.

- Oh, it was so great
meeting her.

You know,
I was really impressed

by her Women Experiencing
Carlessness charity.

You know, I saw a woman
walking to work this morning.

Please tell her
I thought of her.

- I will.
Yeah, she'll like that.

- Yeah, I like her. Her hair.

- Hopefully it's not too early
for a probiotic soda.

Impossible.

To good gut health.

- Oh, hey, how'd it go
with your friend?

Did you talk to her,
get that big, scary thing

off your chest?

- Oh, no.

We've got a lot of other stuff
going on right now.

Crazy stuff, actually,
so it's a little tense.

- Oh, shit.

Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

I mean, no,
but we are figuring things out.

It's fine.

It's gonna be fine, I hope.

Crazy being a single woman
in the city.

A lot of people out there.

Weirdos.

- Is that a bat?

- Oh, uh, yeah.

It's to fight off
the squirrels.

- What?

- Merci, she likes
to keep the windows open,

but she's allergic
to the mesh in the screens,

so enter every squirrel
in Seattle.

- They made a mess of your rug.

- Uh, that--that's, uh, usually
covered by the couch.

Yeah, let me--let me just--

Yeah.

That I still need to deal with.

- It's Isaac!
Isaac is my stalker!

- Oh, my God,
you do not have a stalker.

Was there a head in the box?
- It was snow globes.

- I know.
I ran the tracking number.

Anyway, there's news.
- There is.

I have a stalker,
and it's Isaac.

I was just over at his house.

It is full-on

"Silence of the Lambs"
over there.

He has a squirrel bat.

And think about it.

Guys started dying
right after we met.

And he's so cute
and innocent-looking.

I mean, isn't it always
the cute guy you least expect?

- Ed Gein was never cute.

- Everyone's cute to somebody.

Check if Isaac has
living parents he didn't kill.

Google
"snow globe murder weapon

Isaac Torres parents."

- Rubes,
Isaac is not your stalker

because you don't have
a stalker,

because stalkers
can't give someone cancer.

- Oh, no.

- Dash, dash, dash.

Dash, dash, dash.

- Poor Robert.

I can't believe
he's already dead.

Like, he is dead.

A guy I loved.
- I know.

And the cluster's next.
- The what?

- You have a sex cluster
followed by an antibiotic gap.

See, that's why I made
these brackets and that circle.

- Okay.

Okay, I--

I had just come out
of my first real relationship,

and I needed to do
some fucking and sucking

and swiping and wiping.
- Oh, I know.

Want to see the blow-job
overlay in this area?

It's planes
stacked over San Francisco.

You cannot see the city.
- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna kill a whole cluster.

- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe not the whole thing.
Jordana might not die.

It might have to be
full OM-pen.

- Full organic member
penetration.

- Got it. Hate it.

And I hate that I dealt
with my first heartbreak

by sex clustering or whatever.

- No, respect your timeline.

Look, you inspired me
to do mine.

- This has four people on it.

- I was with Terrance
for eight years

and then Zack for five.

And you know I really have
to care about someone

before I'm intimate,
which is not an indictment.

I wish I could be
more like you.

I wish I didn't love so hard.
- What about the cellist?

- We didn't do much,
just hand stuff.

- No blow-job overlay?
- Mm, no, not my thing.

I didn't want to mess up
my Invisalign.

Now, my hand-job overlay--
these are my greatest assets.

I'm like a surgeon
but with hand jobs.

- Both hands. Wow.

- You don't want one to be
a lot stronger than the other.

You think this one can't tag in
if this one gets tired?

Your sex timeline folds up

and fits in a doll's pocket.

Mine is on wheels
and takes up this whole room.

- I can take it down.
- No.

It's...

good for me to see it,

to remind me
that all these guys,

and possibly two women,

are going to die because of me.

I think I have to warn them.

- I do, too.
I also think that.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Roll on some deodorant,
and we'll head out.

- Wait, but wait.

It's gonna be so weird...

and hard.

Jeffrey and Robert had some
not great things to say to me,

and they didn't even know
about the whole

"they're going to die
because of me" part.

- Agree.

It is gonna be weird and hard,
but there are--

One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven--

- I changed my mind.
Just take it down.

- 13, 14, 15, 16--
17 guys and 2 women

who deserve to know
what's happening.

They would want to know.
I know I'd want to know.

- Really?

Something... this bad?

We did the fucking worst--

The worst thing?

You'd want to know?
- Absolutely.

We don't want to be
the people who know something

and don't say something.

We want to be Niecy Nash

in "Dahmer Monster:
The Jeffrey Dahmer Story."

- "American Dahmer Monster:
The Jeffrey Murder Story."

- "Ryan Murphy Presents
Jeffrey Crime Monster:

American Murder Dahmer."

Zack came up with that one.

Could not watch it, though.
Begged me to turn it off.

- Let's go be Niecy.
- Let's go be Niecy.

- And we're sure
Isaac's not my stalker?

- Yes, we Googled his parents.

They are alive and well
in a sea of snow globes.

Literally, everything he has
ever told you has been true.

- Fine.
But what do we tell these guys?

We don't even know
how long they have left.

- Somewhere between
several days and one or two.

I'm trying to find
a correlation

between the length of time
you dated everyone

and the time between deaths.

I feel like it's an average
of two numbers,

but I don't know which.

And then I feel like
I need to divide by something,

but I don't know what.
- Penis size?

- I do have
some of those numbers,

but it's an incomplete dataset.

I know you're nervous,
but also try and think of this

as a fact-finding mission.

Are you wearing contour?
- I'm about to see all my exes.

- To tell them they're dying.

- I don't think
me looking like shit

will soften the blow.

- The Clog Dropper
from upstairs.

- What do we do?
- Uh, act casual.

Hi. Jill Blanch?

We're your downstairs
neighbors, Ruby and AJ.

So weird we haven't met
after eight years.

Nice clogs.

- Pure birch.

- She is so scary.
I love it.

- Okay.

Let's go tell
everyone I've ever slept with

that they're going to die.

- Ladies, congrats on the nups.

What kind of a retirement plan
were you hoping to save for?

- Yeah, sorry, I sort of lied
to get us in here.

It's me.

Ruby Yao?

- Oh, yeah, Ruby.

Hi.
- Hi. It's me.

- Cool. How are you?

- Well...

Simon, let me answer
that question with a question.

Would you want to know
if you were gonna die?

- What?
- Also, can you tell me

how long your erect penis is
from base to tip?

- What?

- Let us both back up
a little bit.

It's a bit too personal
to get into over intercom,

but I have
some urgent information

I need to pass along to Brian,
Brian Glidewell.

The jukebox used to be
over there, didn't it?

I'll have a vodka tonic.

Whoa, that was
pure muscle memory.

Spent a lot of time in this bar
listening to medium-ugly men

talk about their jobs.

- So you want a vodka tonic?
- Oh, no. Sorry.

Does the guy who used to run
trivia still work here?

He used to wear a Sum 41 shirt.

- It was a Green Day shirt.
- Oh, Richie.

- Richie. Richie.

- He runs trivia at a different
bar on Wednesdays.

- Shit. Okay.

But while I have you...

- In the original
"Peanuts" cartoon,

who is Snoopy's nemesis?

- There he is. Sum 41 shirt.

- It was Green Day.

- I love this new outfit.

Did you add sequins?

- I didn't add sequins.

They appear magically
the closer I, Corbin the Clown,

get to being a kid again.

Keep it moving!

Keep it moving! Keep--

- Sorry, Google Translate
just went into the cloud

for some reason.

- Because you have no room
on your phone

because you keep
all your fucking texts.

- So surprising
to get your text.

- Yeah,
we haven't heard from you

since you broke up with us.

- That's funny.

I remember it feeling
a little bit more mutual.

- No.
- No.

Okay.

Well, I am so happy to see that
you guys are still together.

I know that sometimes
it can be hard

opening your relationship up
to a third.

- Oh, well,
when your third is Beth...

- Yeah, Beth was
a real game changer for us.

- Oh, gosh.

- Really opened us up,
you know?

- Yeah.
- When you know, you know.

- All I know is, the guy
I'm looking for is named Lucas.

Let me draw for you
the man I'm looking for.

Can you pull up Illustrator
on that?

- I don't have Illustrator
on this.

- Hmm. That's too bad.

I want to be kind, so I don't
want to say what I'm picturing.

But, basically,
when we were having sex,

I was like a pea on a pile
of mashed potatoes.

- Well, no more potatoes,
and bam.

It's me, Ruby, Lug.

- No way.

Way.

Yeah, I go by Lug now.

So, uh, what's this all about?

- Do you remember that Cîroc
vodka launch party in 2018?

You were a bottle-service boy,
and I was sort of your boss

who probably shouldn't
have slept with you.

- Oh, no.

Did you have a baby?

Fuck, do I have a son?

Is that what this is?

Is it--is it him?

- No, I-I think
that man works here.

- He's not with us.
- That's your coworker.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God.
That was--

You got me, man.

That was crazy.
- Yeah.

Okay. Can you see
this timeline?

So then people started dying.

Now all these guys
before you are dead.

- One, two, three,
four, five, six.

- I said I clicked
on "leave at door."

- No, no, no,
I am not a delivery.

I'm looking
for a Brian Glidewell.

- So I'm gonna die?

- Also, seems unrelated,
but it's not.

Have you used
generic body spray

in the last nine years?

- Oh, we can circle back
to that in a second.

In the meantime, let me just
AirDrop you this timeline.

Just sent you my JetBlue app.

Hmm. Be better at phones, girl.

Should we have a handout ready
so they can follow along?

Would that help?

- Yeah, it'd be nice
to hold something.

- What?

- I'm Ruby.

We dated briefly.

You took me, unironically,
to brunch at a ren faire.

- Yes. No, I know, Ruby.
I remember you.

I just haven't seen you
since we got in a fight

about the movie "Malignant."

I kept calling
the main character Malignant

as if that was her actual name,
and she got annoyed because--

- It's not
the character's name.

'Cause it's not
the character's name.

- Okay, well...
- Okay, remembering now

you love a long story.

- And they're all dead?
- All dead.

- Yeah, but this paper doesn't
actually explain anything.

- And some of these words are
really hard to make out.

I mean, I'm sorry,
is that a C or a G?

- Yes, that's a C.

Unless "sex gluster"
is a term suddenly?

Obviously, it's not.

- Oh, I get it.
This is an AA thing.

You're making amends.

- Is this a prank?

Oh, did Blake send you?

That fucker.
Hey, Blake!

Blake, I know it's you, bitch!

- What do I tell my mom?

What the fuck?

- I don't know
where Brian Glidewell is,

and neither does Bass Pro Shop!

- Okay, okay, we tried.
- We tried.

Nobody's ever tried harder!

- I have a lot of questions.

- Really, everything we know
is on the flyer.

I'm sorry.
I wish I had more answers.

I just don't.

- That was lovely.
You're doing great right now.

- Yeah, thanks.
That one felt good.

- Can we maybe just, like,
start at the beginning?

- Read the answer.
- Okay, it's the Red Baron.

The answer is the Red Baron.

- I said it wasn't Woodstock.

That's Snoopy's best friend
and confidant.

- Can we just--

What in the fucking--

- Hell!
You put me through hell.

You--you laughed
when you broke up with me.

You drove me somewhere after
and laughed the whole way.

And you used my catchphrase
against me.

"Keep it moving"?
- I did.

And I see now I shouldn't have
done that, "Jo-ay-oh."

- "Jo-ay-oh."
- João!

- "Jo-ay-oh."
- João.

I think he's upset with us.

- Of course we're upset.

- I'm just trying
to tell you information

you deserve to know.

- What kind of woman dresses up

to let people know
that they're dying?

- It's just contour!

- A doctor who cares
about her appearance.

- Wait, I'm confused.
Who's a doctor?

She's a doctor?
both: No!

- Okay.

Okay, look, I just need
everyone to take a deep breath

and raise your hand
if you've ever used

spray paint
in an enclosed space.

- This is just
typical Ruby chaos energy.

- Yeah, yeah,
brings me right back.

- You know, you were a real
fucking nightmare to deal with.

- What? Me?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
- How?

- Well, you told your friends
that I was...

- A loser,
and then you ghosted...

- Me, right after you had...
- Cheated on us...

- And you wouldn't even
let us...

- Do it in your...
- Bottom.

- What?
- Your lowest point.

What was your rock bottom?

- This, right now.

- Oh, you're still
in your disease.

My lowest point was actually
my last night with you,

that car crash.
- Of course.

Everyone's got something today.

I laughed at this one.

I cheated on those ones.

Now there's this car crash
that is somehow my fault.

- Well, you were driving.
- So?

- No, it's a good thing.

It's what finally jolted me
back to life,

what made me put down
the giant mashed potato spoon.

- He did.

He used to eat them
with a giant spoon.

- When you ran away--

literally, the cops had
to chase her for blocks--

it kind of threw me.

I thought that an experience
like that would bond us

closer together,
but you just disappeared.

But you know
what I did after that?

- Ate?

- No, I, uh--the opposite.

I stopped eating.
I stopped drinking.

I stopped the whole
self-destructive path

that I was on,
and I started training.

I got fit.
I got other people fit.

So thank you, Ruby.

- Thank me?
- Yeah, for saving my life.

- Lug, I hope
it's your cheat day,

'cause we are going
for mashed potatoes.

All right.

- So I saved a person's life.
- Hmm.

Interesting you started there.

- There's a person now where
a person maybe wouldn't be.

- Because of you.
- Because of me.

- A lot of them, though, didn't
have very fond memories of me.

- They did not, no.

- A doorman
in a bedazzled clown costume

tried to strangle me.

- But that makes what you did
today even more impressive.

You went
into a hostile environment,

and you did that shit.

- You're just trying
to G me up.

- That's right, because you're
a motherfucking G.

Also, you knew
all those people so long ago.

You're so different
than you were back then.

- Am I?
- You totally are.

You're, like, so mature...

- A full adult
and a great person.

The best best friend.

- I'm really not.

But you are.

Some of the things
I've done, I--

Or really one thing--

Ugh, it's Zack.

He's down to 39 subscribers

on his livestream channel,
and he is losing it.

Hey.

Okay, look, no one appreciated
Van Gogh either,

and now they sell his paintings
on phone cases.

Are you headed home?

I'm just gonna...

I'll see you later.

- Okay, great work today.

Lots of new information.

I'm gonna work
on the board later

when Zack goes to his friend
Felix's to watch "Bosch."

I love you.

- Fuck.