All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E18.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Ever since
I started doin' the list,
it'd just been me and Randy.

But, now my new wife, Billie,
made three.

Mmm! Watch this.
There's this part comin' up
that's really funny.

And I was startin'
to understand the expression,
"Three's a crowd."

See, he's gonna think that
it's his wife licking his leg.

But it's really gonna be
the dog. Watch. Watch.

[ Cackles ]

Yup, there it is,
just like you said.

Thanks for tellin' me
so I could be ready for it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And the way we watched TV
wasn't the only change.

I used to drive my own car,
but Billie thought
I drove like a girl,

so she insisted
on doin' it herself.
[ Tires Screech ]

You better take five steps
backwards right now, bitch!

Unfortunately,
she had a problem
with road rage.

Just forget it!
It's gone! Go!

And I used to have my own money,
but I spent it throwin'
an arsonist a prison prom.

And while it was an enchanted
evening, it left me broke,

and I was now livin' off Billie.

-Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How many tissues you got there?
-Two.

- How many times you gonna
blow your nose?
- One.

You might wanna check
your math, Mr. Rockefeller.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And because Billie's money
also paid for the room,

she got to decide
the sleepin' arrangements.

Of course he can stay with us,
Earl. He's family.

He's just gonna have to
be an outside brother.

[ Snoring ]

[ Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
My favorite part of the day
was when Billie took a shower--

until she started singing.
[ Billie, Off-key ]
* Almost heaven *

I don't get it, Randy.
I just don't get it.

Why would karma want me
to be with a woman
who's driving me crazy?

You should just
cut her head off like that
king of England dude...

or the guy who
used to live downstairs.

It's not that easy.
Billie's supposed to
be my reward.

Karma brought her into my life
to show me that
I was doin' things right.

You don't return
a gift like that.

You do if she makes you
sleep outside. I got sprayed
by a cat last night.

Which is a lie--
It wasn't a cat.
It was a grown man.

I was too embarrassed
to say that.

I know Billie's a handful,
but I'm sure karma
has its reasons.

Not to mention, before Billie
hit me with her car,
her life was a mess.

I can't let her
go back to that.

[ Billie, Off-Key ]
* Country road
Take me home *

* To a place
I belong *

I'm gonna go sleep
on the balcony.

I kinda made friends with
that Filipino grandmother
from Room 206.

They won't let her
sleep inside either.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't help
but think about...

how different my reality was
compared to my fantasy.

When I was in a coma,
my relationship with Billie
was perfect.

She made me cakes.
She brought me lemonade.

And when she kissed me,
even her leg got excited.

I wondered why karma
brought me out of my coma
only to make me more miserable.

And I wondered
was it just gonna get worse
for the rest of my life?

There's nothin' like a crap
and a shower to make you
feel better.

[ Voice Breaking ]
I think I'm just gonna
go for a walk.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I married Billie
'cause I trusted karma.

Karma had never
let me down before,

but every day that went by
made me lose
a little more faith.

I did 25 minutes
at level six.

If you can't beat me,
you're a wuss.

Come on!
Faster.

You wanna grow old together,
we need to be healthy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Yup, this marriage
was definitely a mystery.

I needed some advice,
so I went to see
the smartest person I knew.

There was a reason Joy
and Darnell's trailer
was on its side.

A while back,
me and some friends
broke in to have a party.

Normally when you have beer
and strippers in a trailer,
you tip the strippers.

We went another way
and tipped the trailer.

[ Glass Shattering ]

Hello?
Crabman?

Hey, Earl.

I really am sorry about
this whole trailer thing.

Ah, don't sweat it, Earl.
I kinda like it.

Besides, with the grass growin'
out of the floor, Mr. Turtle
has his own little park.

Huh.

Never seen him
wag his little tail before.

Yeah, I'm happy for him.

Listen, I need to ask you
a marriage question.

How do you handle
being married to someone
who's difficult?

Try this.

I just write down
everything Joy does
that bothers me.

Most psychologists will tell you
to express your feelings
without fear of confrontation.

These are individuals I call
"people who have not met Joy."

Earl, you gotta
flip this trailer right side up.

I got so many bruises
from climbin' through this door,

I look like a woman
in a Lifetime movie.

I'm gonna do it. I just need to
figure out how to get some money
from Billie to rent a crane.

One way would be
to grow some nads.

Speakin' of bein' nadless,
Darnell, are you showin' Earl
your poetry books?

Uh, yeah.
We were havin' a poetry slam.

Let me read one.

"Today she hit a new low.
Got mad cookin' dinner and
threw the chicken on the lawn.

Once again, I see why everyone
in our trailer park despises her
and wishes we would move."

[ Scoffs ]
That's a terrible
poem, Darnell.

It don't even rhyme.

Hey! Remember that time
I threw a chicken on the lawn?

You should write
a poem about that,
but make it rhyme.

[ Scoffs ]

- Did you pee a little?
- Yep.

Me too.

While I was gettin' advice
about my wife,

Randy was bein'
tortured by her.

Can I have a Klondike Bar?
Please?

That depends.
* What would you do
for a Klondike Bar *

[ Imitates
Chicken Clucking ]

Eh, seen it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately
for Randy, the motel
was next to a costume shop.

Would you like to
buy some delicious cookies?

[ Shouting In Chinese ]

[ All Shouting ]

Uh, two slim mint
and three
peanut butter sandwich.

Now?
Almost.

And, unfortunately for Randy,
the motel was also
next to a street.

[ Horn Honking ]
[ Man ]
You loser!

* Everything's gonna
be all right *

[ Horn Honks ]
[ Woman ]
Dummy!

Oh, enjoy.

* Sell out with me
Oh, yeah *

* Sell out with me tonight **

[ Earl Narrating ]
I rescued Randy and continued my
quest for relationship advice...

by goin' to
the happiest couple I knew.

The most important thing
in a relationship is to
take your time with foreplay.

All work and no foreplay
makes Jack a dull boy.

[ Chuckles ]
I got that from
a Will and Grace rerun.

You start by lightly
trailing your fingers
down your lover's chest.

Let him know that you want him.
Let the love flow.
Call him "lover."

Call your lover "lover"
as often as possible.
Mmm.

Whisper it.

[ Whispers ]
Lover.

[ Whispers ]
Lover.

- [ Whispers ]
Lover.
- [ Whispers ] Lover.

Earl-- Earl-- Earl--
They have just as much right to
kiss in public as anyone else.

Which one's the girl?
I don't know how
this stuff works, Randy, I--

Oh.
Looks like it's Kenny.

[ Earl Narrating ]
My gay pals sure seemed happy.

So, I decided
to take their advice.

I love foreplayin'
with you, lover.
You're such a good lover.

Ohh!

Hey!
Not on the menu.

I figured from
the way you were talking,
you might be into a little--

Nope.
You are mistaken.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
That was just the poke
I needed...

to continue to search for
a way to make my marriage work.

So I decided to talk to
the person who had made
a marriage work the longest.

Earl, I'm just--
I'm just so excited
that you'd come to me...

for marriage advice.

Okay, first off--
Do you call
each other "lover?"

Yeah, once.
Not my cup of tea.

Mm-hmm.
And you know about the foreplay
and finding the G-spot?

[ Voice Cracks ]
Is Dad here?

'Cause I may be better off
talkin' to him.
[ Sighs ]

Oh, Dad's workin' late
at the shop again.

And when you figure that
this is the last night
we had...

to decide on the fabric
for the new drapes--

[ Gasps ]
Actually, maybe you could
give me some advice.

I don't really know anything
about fabrics.

Tell me which one you like.
Uh, the middle one.

That one?
Why would you
pick that one?

I don't know.
It looks nice.
Nicer than the first one?

Okay, I like the first one.

Oh, see--
See, now you're
just sayin' that.

[ Inhales ] This is
gonna be the last time that
we redecorate this house, Earl.

These are going to be the drapes
that I die looking at.

You don't care enough about me
to give me your honest opinion?

No.
[ Earl Narrating ] Dad was lucky
he wasn't home for this.

But, then I started to realize
Dad was lucky like this
a lot.

Like how he missed all Mom's
Wednesday night
dinner adventures.

Well, we're not waiting
for your father any longer.

Tonight's voyage, Asia.
And not the American version
either.

Real Asian food--
crickets.

[ Chuckles ]
Mmm.

They're protein.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Our annual family portrait--

There's an emergency down
at the framing shop.

Apparently all the 5-by-7 frames
came in 7-by-5.

Your father's gonna
be there all night.

We're gonna have to
take the white picture
without him.

- Can my gerbil be
in the picture?
- Is he white?

Or every year
when my mom wanted us
to go caroling.

I'm sorry, boys.
Your father has to
work late again.

Five nights in a row!
We're just gonna have to
do it without him.

Or... we could just
blow it off and watch TV.

Oh, silly.
Come on, big smiles.

And get your umbrella.
It's pourin' rain out there.

* Jingle bells
Jingle bells *
[ Thunder Rumbles ]

* Jingle all the way *

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew then
that Dad didn't just happen to
miss certain things with my mom.

He avoided them on purpose.

He threw himself into his job
to make his marriage work.

It hit me
that I needed to do the same.

Only my job wasn't framing,
it was the list.

I'd guess I'd find out
if it worked.
[ Kay ] Earl!

You missed Ethiopian adventure
last night.
I've got pickled oxtail.

Gotta go.
Somethin' on the list.

Dad was a genius.

[ Crunches ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I'd finally
found a way to get along with
my wife-- by avoiding her.

So, like a lot of husbands,
I decided to spend
all my time at work,

which, for me,
meant finding something
to do on my list.

Here's a good one, Earl.
Number 275--

"Never bought Randy a Ferrari."

Or number 276--
"Never told chicks
Randy was a fighter pilot."

Okay, number 277--
Randy, how many of these did
you add when I was in a coma?

Zero.
Fifty.

That's it, Earl.
I'm done waitin' for you
to flip my house back.

I was walkin' past
our ceiling fan,
which is now on our wall,

and it lopped off
one of my ponytails.

You owe me 25 bucks.

I told you. I need money
for a crane, and Billie's
just gettin' stingier.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? Did you buy stock
in the toothpaste company?

I'll save some of it
for the mornin'.

It didn't sound
that wet.

You gonna let some bitchy woman
make your decisions for you?

If you had any self-respect,
you'd do what the hell I say.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't get it. Karma's mystery
was gettin' deeper.

I was doin' the list
to get away from my nightmare
of a wife,

only to have karma
stick me with my nightmare
of an ex-wife.

Then I'm gonna
take my foot out and put it
back in again. Deeper!

Joy, I wanna help you.
I just don't know how.

If were ants, we wouldn't
need a crane, Earl.

We could lift
a million times our weight.

Ants are so ripped.
They must get laid
all the time.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy had a good point, not
just about ants bonin' a lot.

Ants also worked as a team.

Come on, everybody.
Pull!

When I was doin' bad things,
no one would help me
with anything.

But now that I was doin'
good things, I had lots
of friends willin' to pitch in.

- Come on!
Pull, you lazy bastards!
- [ Groaning ]

You are so Spartacus.

No, no.
You are so Spartacus.

You are.
Oh, no. You are.

[ Screams ]
Rhino in my back!

This is how
my father died!

Come on, people.
Let's put some muscle
into it!

[ Creaking ]

- I am so sorry.
- It's comin'! It's comin'!

Keep pullin'!
Pull! It's comin'!

Keep pullin'!

[ Creaks ]

[ Cheering ]

- Yeah!
- Thank you so much,
everybody.

I got pony kegs
in the side yard.
Enjoy.

[ Cheering ]

[ Synthesized Voice ]
Help! My foot is stuck!

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was great to see everyone
pull together like that...

and pull together like that.

Plus, I was successfully
stayin' away from Billie.

It was my first real good day
since I got married.

Earl, your wife's on the phone.
I told her you were drinkin'
a beer and she got really mad.

[ Exhales ]

** [ Rock ]

Hey, honey.
No, he's-he's crazy.
It's just a soda.

God, I miss you.
What's up?

I ordered a bunch
of stuff to go
from Chubby's Pulled Pork,

and I need you
to pick it up.

Feel free to get something
for yourself. Just stay
on the left side of the menu.

Oh, man, I really love
that dinner salad,
but work's crazy.

Gotta go! Don't wait up!
Love you!
[ Beeps ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I needed to pick another
list item,

but before I could,
karma picked one for me.

[ Randy ]
Oh, my God!
Earl! I found a leg!

[ Joy ]
Oh, God.
Not another body.

This is not a graveyard,
people!

Pony up for your grandparents
to have a decent funeral!

It's nobody's grandparent.
It's not even a real leg.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew it was fake because I had
ditched it under the trailer...

after committin' number 86--
stole a car
from a one-legged girl.

Stand back!
I wish I could say
it was only her car I stole.

You said you loved me!

[ Bullet Ricochets ]

It doesn't make sense.

I'm doin' the list to keep away
from one nightmare woman,

karma sends me
to deal with Joy,
another nightmare woman.

Now, it's sending me Didi,
the biggest nightmare
I've ever met.

The hell's goin' on?
Sometimes I wish
karma could talk.

That'd take a lot
of guesswork out of
what we do.

But if I only had one wish
in the world,

I'd be an ant
who was ripped
and got laid a lot.

Hopefully,
I'll get two wishes.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was wishin'
for something different-- that
I wouldn't be killed by Didi.

I figured we'd go by where
she works, so she'd have less
chance of havin' her shotgun.

[ Laughing ]
Excuse me.
I found a leg in my doughnut.

Randy!
Come on. Maybe
we'll get a free doughnut.

I know we came from
a keg party,
but try to act sober, okay?

- Ah, that's hot.
- Freshest doughnuts in town,
you son of a bitch.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After some discussion, I learned
Didi already had her car back...

and didn't just want her leg--
she wanted me to feel her pain.

And if I was gonna
figure out what karma
was tryin' to tell me,

I guess I had to do
what she said.

I want you to hop a mile
in my shoe.

[ Man ]
* Qué pasa, people
Qué pasa *

* Hit me
I wanna get on the good foot *

[ Earl Narrating ]
I never thought about
how hard I made Didi's life...

by stealin' her fake leg.

But she made me understand
how even the simple things
in life became complicated--

like bringin' home groceries.

Gettin' 'em to the door
wasn't too bad,

but freein' up a hand
to open it put too much weight
on one side.

And like
how the lights are set...

to give people enough time
to walk across the street,
not hop.

[ Honks ]
Get out of the street!

* You gotta get it
Get it *

She made me learn how
frustrating it was to pay full
price for a pair of shoes...

when you knew
you were only gonna wear one.

Didi made me realize
that even tryin' to relax
was difficult.

- [ Scoffs ]
Go back.
- * On the good foot *

- [ Grunts ]
- [ People Laughing ]

Didi must've realized
I was gettin' the message,

'cause she let me share
the half of her footbath
that she never used.

[ Sighs ]

I am so sorry.
I forgive you.

You can cross me
off your list.

[ Both Sigh ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
My foot hurt so bad, I had to
use the other one to get home.

I still didn't understand
how sufferin' for Didi...

was karma's answer to me
sufferin' with my wife.

Then came
the weirdest thing yet.
Look, Earl.

I'm sorry I've been
a little stingy with you.
It's our money.

Here's an A.T.M. card,
so you don't have to ask me
for it anymore.

Oh. There's a special card
you have to put in.

And... I got you
your own box of tissues.

You should be able to decide
how many you need.

Well, thanks.

I'll be right back.

I don't get it. She was
terrible and now she's nice.
What's karma tryin' to tell me?

It's so obvious, Earl.

If you pick up a trailer
for one lady you pissed off,

and you hop around
for another lady you pissed off,

then your annoyin' wife
will give you a box
of tissues.

I think the A.T.M. card
is just random.

You bring up
a good point, Randy.

I've pissed off
a lot of ladies.

But when I made it up
to two of 'em, the lady
pissing me off got nicer.

I think you're just restating
my tissue example.

Maybe that's what
karma's been saying.

Maybe if I make up to
the women I've hurt,
my marriage will start to work.

I just wish there was a way
I could double-check.

- [ Catalina ]
Hi, Earl.
- Catalina! Perfect. Come here.

When I saw you at
Club Chubby on Christmas,
I was a pig, right?

And-And I slapped
your butt cheek?

Yeah. Hard enough
to leave a mark.

When Santa came,
I couldn't sit on his lap,
and he's a big tipper.

Well, then be mean back.
Make me suffer.

Uh, you could
slap my ass or--

Hi-yah! Whoa!

[ Groans ]
Thank you.
That was perfect.

I thought so.

[ Panting, Groaning ]

Check it out.

They just added
lemonade and Chubby Cakes
to the vending machine.

I knew you liked them.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And there it was,
just like in my coma fantasy.

I had a wife who
brought me cakes and lemonade.

And Randy,
something for you too.

What do I have to do?
Smile.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then she did somethin'
that really blew my mind.

[ Door Closes ]
Did you hear that, Randy?

She went to the bathroom
and shut the door!
[ Chuckles ]

It's all clear now.

I've had bad marriages
because I've deserved
bad marriages.

I've been horrible to women.

But if I keep
making it up to 'em,

things'll keep
gettin' better
with Billie and me.

Randy, I need to make up
for the worst thing
I've ever done to women.

Number 204--
seduced seven virgins.

But with the A.T.M. card,
I mean, don't abuse it
or anything.

It's ours,
but it's mainly mine.

And Randy,
you're still sleeping
on the balcony.

You need to get to
those virgins fast.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd been horrible to women
in the past,

and now the only way karma
was gonna let me have
a good relationship...

with my new wife Billie
was to make up for that.

I can't wait for you to fix this
thing with Billie so I can stop
sleepin' on the balcony.

Although lately when I wake up
facing the railing,

I feel like I'm in a giant crib,
which is nice.

[ Earl Narrating ]
If I was gonna get Randy
off the balcony,

I needed to make up
for the worst thing
I'd ever done to women.

Number 204--
seduced seven virgins.

Way back when,
a group of Amish
settled near Camden.

Everything was fine
until they started adopting
modern technology.

Behold! The wheel!
[ Crowd Gasps ]

That is the devil's work!

It has no beginning and no end.
We shall have none of it!

And so, unwilling to change
their deep-seated beliefs,

half the group left
and called themselves
the Camdenites.

As the world grew up
around them,

the Camdenites decided
that when each young girl
turned 21,

they would go out
to experience regular society
for 21 days.

Those tempted by the evils
of the outside world...

can choose
to stay there.

But those pure of heart
shall return...

to the glories of a world
with no wheels,
no medicine,

and no advancements
in knowledge
of any kind whatsoever!

Can thou giveth me
a hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

[ Earl Narrating ]
I used to call it
"the running of the virgins."

Every year, me and Randy
were outside waiting...

for a bunch of innocent women
who had never heard
a pick-up line.

Greetings, ladies.
Is it hot out here,
or is it just you?

[ Laughing ]

Me and my brother have
just been sent out...

from the Nathanite
religious settlement
for 21 days.

Really?
We are just now also on
a journey into the world.

That's crazy.

How lucky are you to
so quickly run into people
you can completely trust?

Come.
Let us explore
the world together.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Our goal was--

Well, I think our goal
was pretty obvious.

This barley soda
is making me feel
warm under the bonnet.

You know, that dancing thing
looks interesting,
but I'm afraid to try it alone.

Oh, do not be afraid,
Earleth.

I shall do it with you.

Okay. But we gotta stay
real close, so the devil
doesn't get between us.

If there's anything
you're afraid of, I'd be
willing to try it with you.

Unless it's cauliflower.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had a good thing goin'.

And I did it year after year.

Some years,
the crops were plentiful.

Other years,
there was a drought.

But a good farmer always
finds something to plow.

[ Woman ]
Yes! Yes! Call me a jezebel!

[ Earl ]
Jezebel. Jezebel.

[ Earl Narrating ] So I went
back to Camdenite Village and
talked to their leader, Ruth,

to see how I could make up
to all those former virgins.

None of 'em are here.
They never came back.

They were alive
when we left 'em, if that's
what you're hinting at.

No. They all had such a great
time in the outside world,
they decided to stay.

Wow, if they're happy now,
I guess it's not the worst thing
I ever did to women.

Maybe not to them,
but it was to the rest of us.

You started a trend.

And you know how kids are--
always swept up
in the latest craze,

like zippers or those
wooden figures on a stick
that dance on your knee.

None of our daughters
come back anymore.

And without women,
the Camdenites
will soon be gone.

Maybe karma wants me to make
somethin' up to you.

I know. We can buy you
a pitchfork so you could shovel
horse food like a normal person.

We don't use pitchforks.
They are the tool of the devil.

Although, I tried one once,
and it was about
a thousand times easier.

There-There's gotta be
somethin' I can do.

My niece Greta
just turned 21...

and in a few days
will go out into the world.

If you want to help,
make sure she comes back.

Oh, and if she could bring
back the recipe for flour--

We lost ours years ago.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ruth was hopin'
that if Greta returned...

after bein'
in the outside world,

other Camdenite girls would
follow her example...

and their community
would be saved.

To convince Greta that
she wouldn't wanna live
in the outside world,

I showed her the scariest
thing I could think of--
television.

This is all so violent
and horrible.
[ Tires Screeching ]

This is a show called
C.S.I.: Miami.

That means
crime stuff in Miami.

That Creamsicle looking guy?
His name's Horatio.

Hello, cute hubby.

- [ Door Closes ]
- Got a special surprise
for you.

[ Tires Screeching ]

Randy, will you
and your... friend
give us a second?

Sure.
I'll show you my bedroom.
It's really big.

It's the entire outside.

Guess what I got?
Flavored body gels.

Chocolate,
strawberry
and vanilla.

[ Earl Narrating ]
My plan seemed to be workin'.

I was taking care of
my lady karma, and so my lady
was taking care of me.

All right.
I'm gonna go
with the strawberry.

Smeared chocolate puts me
in the wrong frame of mind.

- Then my mission to make Greta
dislike our world hit a bump.
- Oh, it is most wondrous.

On the farm, the only
fun thing we have
to chew on is ox cartilage.

But the flavor's gone
after two seconds.

No sooner did Greta
start enjoying stuff
from the modern world...

than karma made Billie
change her tune.
Damn it, Earl!

Didn't I talk
to you about letting people
sit on the made-up bed?

Yeah, well, aren't
we about to mess it up?

You didn't know that
when you let people
sit on it.

[ Giggles ]

I get it.

I know what's goin' on.
Karma's making you mad at me...

'cause the girl out there
is on my list and I need
to be dealing with her.

The hell
are you talking about?

Great. She's chewin' gum.
That's a gateway candy.

Randy, make her spit it out.

Honey, I really
need to get out there.

No, we're in
the middle of something.
I'm not trying to ignore you.

It's just that
if I don't make up to
all the women I've hurt,

you're gonna stay like this,
and karma's never gonna
make you my reward.

Wait.
So that's what I am to you?
Some sort of carnival prize?

Well, not right now, but--

Oh, come on, Randy!
You're killin' me!

Look, forget about
the prize thing.
Can we talk about this later?

'Cause you'll be
in a much better mood
once I get Greta off my list.

No! No list!
You need to decide.

What's more important,
me or that damn list?

Yeah, here's the thing.

If I pick you,
karma's never gonna
let us get along.

But if I pick the list,
you're gonna go
even more psycho on me.

But karma can fix that,
so...

I'm gonna go with the list.

Wrong answer.

[ Earl Narrating ]
If I wanted karma
to make Billie nice again,

I needed to convince Greta
the outside world was evil.

And that is when I said,
"Excuse me, sir, but that
is not a bottle opener."

So you dance for men,
just for money?

I dance. I jump.
I grind.

I once hung upside down
and let a man
throw bologna at me.

[ Ringing ]
Hello.

Hey, Earl,
Joy would like
a word with you.

And based on her tone,
I think it's gonna be
a curse word.

[ Joy ] Earl, you son
of a bitch! You better
get your butt over here--

That's a phone.
Isn't it cool?

- How does it work?
- Nobody knows.

[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't
believe what Joy told me
until I saw it with my own eyes.

That bitch wife of yours
tied a rope to your car and
flipped my trailer back over.

I don't get it.
If Billie's mad at me, why
would she take it out on you?

Where is she? I am so angry.
I just wanna beat her
with my tiny little fists.

That's right.
Let it out, cricket.

You're never gonna
believe what Billie did.

It's not often
we get to meet one
of Kenny's girlfriends.

You are Kenny's girlfriend,
aren't you?

I'm not sure
I'm Kenny's type.

Here, see for yourself.

Please tell me
he's blowing up
a man-shaped balloon.

Earl, she told my parents
she is going to undo
your entire list.

The list--
Billie must've stolen it.

Looks like's there's
a monster loose in Camden.

Then I guess...

we're goin' monster huntin'.

* Yeah *

Sorry, I stepped on a nail.

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Once we figured out...

that Billie was trying to
undo everything on my list,

Darnell helped us set up
what he called
a command center.

I put pins in the locations
where she's already struck.

It will help us figure out
where she's going to hit next.

According to my calculations,
the only place I know for sure
is safe is Pop's hot dog cart.

Billie just burned down
Pop's hot dog cart.

- [ Sighs ]
- All right, I was guessing.
But damn, what are the odds?

Greta, she just
wrote that in ink, right?

Watch this.

- [ Gasps ]
Are you magic?
- Yes.

No. Greta,
it's a dry erase marker.

And they're evil.
And you can get high
from sniffin' 'em.

I'll show you.
Randy, put it down.

Hey, Earl!

Thanks to your wife,
our neighborhood's crawling
with tourists.

Everybody wants to see
"freak town."

Some guy tried to put me
in a BabyBjörn.

I hate Austin Powers.

[ Billie On Bullhorn ]
Hey, look! There's a couple
of freaks right now!

It's Horn Head and Tiny Guy.

Feel free to point and laugh,
as they do not have emotions
like you and I.

[ Muttering, Indistinct ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
We were tryin' hard to figure
out who else she was gonna hit.

Turns out the real question was,
who wasn't she gonna hit?

She got Didi.

[ Grunts ]
Oh!

She got Mistletoe,
the stripper,

her first day back to
work at Club Chubby
without her back brace.

[ Screams ]

[ Man ]
* Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust *

She even made a recording
of Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop so
he could hear his own accent.

Oh, God.
That's what I sound like?

People should
make fun of foreigners.

* Another one bites the dust *

And before I knew it,
it seemed like I had
the whole town in front of me.

[ Shouting ]

People, people.

I'll fix it all.
I'm doin' my best.

- [ Phone Rings ]
- Hello?

Earl, it's Billie.

You gotta stop this,
Billie.

[ Billie ] You like spending
time with your list so much, now
you get to start all over again.

It's not right.
You're hurtin' innocent people.

Speaking of innocent,
someone wants to talk to you.

We went shopping, Earl.
And now we're having fast food.

I just ate beef
that I didn't have
to raise, name,

and look in the eyes
as I smashed its head
with a killing hammer.

It's delicious!

Randy,
I told you to watch Greta.

I did. I watched her
go out the door and
to the vending machine.

- She's so cute, I can't
take my eyes off her.
- [ Sighs ]

Oh, you meant "watch,"
like keep track of her.
That I did not do.

Billie, I swear,
if anything happens
to that girl--

[ Billie ]
It'll be your fault, Earl.

You made me do this
when you chose
your list over me.

So if you keep doin' your list,
I'll keep making bad things
happen to people on it.

Oh, my God!
She's talking about us!

[ Shouting ]

Yeah! Yeah!
[ Indistinct ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I realized there
was only one thing left to do.

So for the last time, Earl,
what's it gonna be?
Me or the list?

Okay, Billie.
I choose you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't believe
I had to give up my list.

But I hoped if I could get
Greta back to the Camdenites,

karma would make
everything okay.

Glad you finally manned up and
did right by your wife, Earl.

- Where's Greta?
- I left her
at Chubby's Burgers.

What do you care?
You're here for me,
not her, right?

See? Now you're not even
givin' us a chance.

You didn't even bring her.
How do you expect karma
to do anything good for us?

Screw karma.
You shouldn't have said that.

Why?
What's gonna happen to me?

You called the cops?

- [ Earl ]
I-I-I didn't. I swear.
- Then who did? Karma?

[ Earl Narrating ] It wasn't
karma. It was something
much scarier than that.

There's
the trailer-flippin' whore.
There she is.

Look. She's makin' a run for it.
Tase the bitch! Tase her!

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crabman.

I trusted you.
You said you were
putting me first.

Well, now I'm putting
you first on my list...
of people to kill.

That's a death threat. I know
you can arrest her for sayin'
that and keep her 24 hours...

without pressin' charges
or lettin' her call her kids
and say good night.

I can't.
She just stepped on
Camdenite property.

It's a sovereign land.
Camden police
have no jurisdiction.

We try to keep that under wraps,
otherwise all the criminals
would hide out there.

Good. Then
I'll just hide out here.

See?
[ Chattering On Police Radio ]

When you least expect it,
I'll be coming for you, Earl.

Don't worry, buddy.
I'm gonna be out here 24-7 to
nab her as soon as she leaves.

Actually, 24-5.
In five days, it's the
department bass fishing trip.

It's gonna be a blast,
but it'll leave us
a little shorthanded.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had five days to find Greta...

and convince her to
return to the Camdenites
so karma would be happy.

Now it wasn't just
to save my relationship,
it was to save my life.

Here, Greta! Here Greta,
Greta, Greta, Greta!

Greta! Greta!

[ Earl Narrating ]
But she was nowhere
to be found.

And after searching 'round
the clock for five days,
I knew I was screwed.

Hey, Earl! Good luck!

I was out of time.

Billie could be comin' for me
any minute, and I still
didn't know where Greta was.

It turns ordinary water
into champagne.

Greta,
where-where have you been?

Randy's been hiding me.

Damn it, Randy. You know
my situation with Billie.

If Greta doesn't go back,
I can't fix my karma with women.

What about me?
Everything's always
about you and your list.

When do I get a turn?
I don't have bad karma
with women.

So why should I have to
lose Greta to help
your problem with Billie?

Besides, I wanna stay out here
in the land of zippers
and mirrors...

and tampons that
are not made out of hay.

Come on, Greta.

You can't decide to
change your whole way of life
just based on a few days.

You changed your
life in just one day, Earl,
and that was right for you.

I said something smart,
didn't I?

Oh, you always
say something smart, Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Maybe Greta wasn't supposed to
help me fix my karma with women.

Maybe she was part of
Randy's karma-- rewarding him
for being a good guy.

[ Tablet Plops ]

And that meant I needed to
come up with something else...

to make things up
to the Camdenites.

But it was hard to think
about that when I was worried
about Billie bein' on the loose.

I knew I had to stay awake
and keep an eye out.

** [ Whistling "Country Roads" ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

Aah!

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Screams ]

[ Panting ]
[ Billie Whispering ]
Earl.

Earl.

Wakey, wakey,
life's at stakey!

[ Earl Narrating ]
This time,
I knew I wasn't dreaming.

And Billie still had her key.

[ Thud, Glass Breaks ]
Ow!

Quick! Just pretend
we're pillows.

It's okay.
I'm not here to hurt you.

Then-Then what's with the ax?

All Camdenite women carry them
for protection
when we leave the farm.

I suggested pepper spray,
but it turns out we Camdenites
don't believe in spray...

- or pepper.
- We Camdenites?

[ Earl Narrating ]
It seemed the Camdenites
didn't have a problem...

with Billie usin' their land
to hide out from the police.

But they did have a problem
sharin' their land with someone
not willin' to share the work.

[ Cows Lowing ]

* Made me see where I've been *

And while it took some
gettin' used to,

she soon found that fieldwork
was a great way to
get out her anger.

[ Grunts ]
In fact, it made her
feel pretty good.

* Been down one time
Been down two times *

And when she fell back
into her stealin' ways,

it didn't work,
'cause in the Camdenite village,
[ Clears Throat ]

- all the property was shared.
- You can have it.

* Been down one time *

And even though
she was used to bein' selfish,

it was hard to be greedy
around people who were
so happy to give.

* Never goin' back again **

[ All ]
* Country road, take me home *

* To a place I belong *
Billie had spent her whole
life searching for somethin'.

She'd tried crime,
nursing school.

And then she met me
and tried karma.

But nothin' felt right,
until now.

* Take me home, country road **

I guess karma
didn't want to turn you
into another me after all.

I was just supposed to
help you find
the real you.

And now you could
cross the Camdenites
off your list.

But first,

divorce papers.

Uh, you need to sign--

I know where to sign.

"Earl J. Hickey."

Thanks, Earl.

What's this?

Maybe karma didn't
want me to be your reward,

but it still wanted you
to have one.

[ Kisses ]
Do good things.

[ Man Singing Reggae ]
* Listen
Almost heaven *

* West Jamaica *

* True ridge mountains
Shining down the river *

* All my friends there *

[ Billie's Voice ]
Dear Mr. Rockefeller,

This $72,000 is the remainder
of my insurance settlement.

It would be more if you
didn't double up on the tissues.

I think this money was
always meant for you.
Love, Billie.

* To the place I belong *
[ Sighs ]

* West Jamaica, my ol' mama
Take me home-- *

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was glad Billie found
where she belonged.

After I'd spent
time in prison--

- [ Laughs ]
- after I doubted karma
and got hit by a car--

after lyin' for a pretty
good while in a coma--

* I belong *

I had my list again,
and I was finally back
where I belonged.

* Take me home, country road **