All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E14.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Earl Narrating ]
Being in a coma is never fun,

but Randy did his best
to cheer me up.

Ooh.
"Basic nutrient pack."

Now with cobbler.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And I didn't have to worry
about doing my list,

'cause my friends were
doing it for me, hoping karma
would help me get better.

Wasn't always easy,
especially for Randy.

So when it was his turn to pick,
he decided to do a list item...

[ Doorbell Rings ]
at the one place he was sure
he knew how to get to.

Hi, Mom. Me and Joy are here
to make up for the time Earl
ruined Dad's vacation...

so we can cross it off
the list and wake Earl up
out of his coma.

Earl's in a coma?
Carl, Earl's in a coma!
I'm getting my purse!

- What happened?
- He got hit by a car
a month ago.

Come on!
He's in a coma!
A month ago?

And you didn't think
to mention that when you were
here for lunch last week?

I got distracted,
okay?

- How'd he get hit by a car?
- He was running in the street
after his intervention.

- Intervention for what?
- Don't worry.
He was not on drugs.

He was just acting crazy
after he got out of prison.

Earl was in prison?
I'm gonna have to
revise my Christmas letter.

My name is Earl.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

They've got him hooked up
to so many machines.

Why is he wearing
a "do not resuscitate" bracelet?
That was my idea.

Figured if they "suscitated" him
once and it didn't work,
they shouldn't do it again.

Randy, please don't tell me
you're the one making
all the decisions about Earl.

Yes, he is.

Last week he demanded
they remove Earl's tonsils.

In my defense,
I was pretty drunk.

Take me to see
Earl's doctor right now.

If he wakes up
while I'm gone,

first thing you should do
is tell him there's a tube in
his wiener so he doesn't freak.

I'll be in the cafeteria.

So--
[ Sighs ]

Randy told me that
you got the time you guys
ruined my vacation on your list.

That was one
messed-up day.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ever since my parents made me
on their honeymoon,

my dad had been
scared to death
to go on another vacation.

But Mom finally convinced him
she wasn't fertile anymore.

"American Samoa: Come see
why the Japanese wanted it."

Sounds nice.

Well, I thought
house-sitting...

would be a wonderful opportunity
to show what responsible adults
you've become.

Or you can
break my heart again.
It's up to you.

I'll miss you both,
especially if your plane
goes down.

I don't know if I'd miss you
more, but I'd miss you longer.

You just say
whatever you think, don't you?

Come on, Kay.
They can't disappoint us
if we don't leave.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As soon as my parents left,

me and Randy decided
to hit the liquor cabinet.

It's gone.
It's all gone.

This isn't
a liquor cabinet anymore.

It's just a cabinet!

Vacation time!
Let's get our drink on.
Ticktock, booze o'clock.

Where are the boys?
I thought you
were pickin' em up...

so they could play at
their grandparents' house.

Their other grandparents' house.
I don't like 'em spending time
in two-story houses.

They'll get all snooty
and start thinking about
college and vaccines.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We decided to go
on a beer run,

since there was no way
Joy was gonna do me
in my parents' bed, sober.

I think Paula makes good points.
It's Simon that seems like
he's high all the time.

I've never seen it.

But Randy likes that guy
Randy the best 'cause
he's got Randy's name.

Makes sense.
That's why I buy
Joy dish-washing liquid.

It's a good conversation piece.

[ Man ]
* Earthquakes and lightnin' *

* I see bad times today *

* Don't go 'round tonight *
Spare change?

* Well, it's bound
to take your life *
Uh-uh.

* There's a bad moon
on the rise *

** [ Continues ]
Guess what I learned.

They call it a six-pack
'cause there's six beers in it.

It has nothing to do
with people's tummies.

[ Engine Starts ]

- * Looks like we're in
for nasty weather *
- Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey! That's my bag!

* One eye is taken
for an eye *

* Well, don't go
'round tonight *

* 'Cause it's bound
to take your life **
Ohh! Come on!

No!

When we got home,
we were surprised
to find the duffel bag,

but even more surprised
by what was in it.

Sweet mother.
Look at all that pot!

I was hoping for money.
Or socks. I need socks.

If it was money,
I could've bought socks.
So what do we do with it?

We're not gonna smoke it.
Smoking weed kills
your brain cells.

Drinking only
screws up your liver.
You got two of those.

Yeah, I don't understand weed.
When you smoke, you get
the munchies and you get fat.

When you drink, you throw up
and you get skinny.
That's just physics.

How the hell did all this weed
get in the back of the car?
It probably fell from the sky.

Sometimes surprises
fall from there.

Remember that giant blue
Popsicle without a stick
landing on my head?

It was disgusting.

My Aunt Sheila
used to get high as a kite
when she baby-sat me.

It was fun
until she convinced herself
she really was a kite.

I'd have to
stand outside for hours,
holding her by a string.

- Do you think Aunt Sheila would
buy a duffel bag full of weed?
- No, she's way into crack now.

Then we'll have to go buy
Baggies and get rid of it
a little at a time.

But this is
a one-time thing.

We'll only sell it
to bad people.
No women, no children.

I think Mom
would be really proud
of us right now.

Joy, make sure to get
flavored vodka. I like it when
my throw-up tastes like cherry.

Flavored vodka is for sissies
and pregnant women.
You'll get what you get.

I don't know. The thing
was such a piece of junk,
I thought it was abandoned.

Wait a minute.

So with the boozes
and the plastic bag
and the chips,

that'll be 182.61.

Oh, my. I seem to have
brought the wrong purse.

All I have is--

Hello!

Can't trade a clump of pot
for groceries anymore.

We need to get a Democrat
back in office.

- Get in the back.
- You don't know me.
You don't tell me what to d--

Scoot over, dum-dum.

[ Earl ] The thing we learned
about finding a duffel bag
full of marijuana...

is that the original owners
usually aren't too worried about
carrying unregistered handguns.

[ Earl ]
Mom?

D-Dad?
What are you doin' here?

Our flight got
delayed five hours,

which apparently was
enough time for you to
turn my house into a drug den.

Well, this trust exercise
went horribly wrong.

I can't believe
you brought dope in the house.

And you put it
on your dead grandmother's
coffee table.

That stuff is addictive,
and it fosters
antisocial behavior.

I'll be in the bedroom.
Leave me alone.

Dad, w-where's the weed?

- Your father
destroyed it!
- What?

You destroyed m-my weed?

- He destroyed my weed?
- Oh, God.

I don't wanna die
in shorts.

Just t-t-take it easy.
W-W-We can pay you back.

I don't need money.
This was gonna be
my first big delivery.

I was trying to prove I could be
middle-management material.

Now I'm gonna have to kill you,
which could skyrocket me
to upper management,

and I'm not ready
for that kind
of responsibility.

Okay, okay.
[ Laughing ]
Relax.

I, uh-- I-I-I didn't
really destroy the weed.

I just told my wife I burned it
to calm her down.

I actually
threw it in a well.

So, i-i-if you just
come with me--

Yeah, right. So you can push me
down the well or something?
I don't think so.

[ Stammering ]
H-How about this?

Uh, keep some of us here
as insurance, and me and
my dad'll go get the weed.

- And me.
- And Randy.
- And me.

And Joy. And we'll
get my mother too.

No. This is how
we're gonna work it.

- Okay, you guys go.
The women stay here.
- Shotgun!

[ Earl Narrating ]
While we went to
get the weed,

the pot dealer
held Mom and Joy hostage.

There's still a well
at the park?

I thought the city
had it cemented over...

when Randy fell in
trying to hug his twin brother
at the bottom.

That was awesome.
I got my picture
in the paper.

Except that stupid fireman's hat
blocked my face.
I hate that guy.

The pot is not in the well.
Your mother
was telling the truth.

I destroyed it.

Stay away, Joe.
Toxic! Stand back!

[ Coughing ]

I can't believe
you destroyed it.
What were you thinking?

What was I thinking?
You brought drugs into my house.

I am the weekend captain
of our neighborhood watch,
for cryin' out loud.

The bag ended up in my car.
What was I supposed to do,
leave it in the driveway?

Kids could've gotten to it.
Or birds. You want a bunch
of high birds flying around?

You know what?
I don't care what you do.

I give up on you. Randy,
you I still have hope for.

I thought you always said
you loved us both equal.

That's just something
parents say.

- [ Carl Grunts ]
- People don't hug enough.

Okay. [ Grunts ]
Look what you did.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was only
one person I knew...

who I thought might be able
to help me undo what I did.

- We need something.
- You need weed.

- How'd you know?
- It's usually
what's goin' on...

when a bunch of white people
walk up to me
and start whispering.

White people
are nuts.

- We need enough to fill
a duffel bag about yea-big.
- And make it fast.

Wait. Aren't you
neighborhood watch?

I'm not buyin' for me.
I don't smoke drugs.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Drugs were a touchy topic
with my dad,

especially after he had
a bad experience with them
at Woodstock.

Hey, off the blanket.
Off the blanket! Off--
[ Woman ] Easy, man.

[ Giggling ]
Carl. Carl.

I've got a problem with my hair.
I'm having trouble
understanding it.

What are you talking about?
A nice, naked hippie couple
gave me some brownies.

Kay, I told you
not to take food from hippies.

Why can't we
feel our hair, Carl?

I need some scissors.
I need to cut off
my dead skull carpet.

Damn it, Kay. Sha Na Na
is about to go on! Kay!

Sorry about my dad.
He's a little on edge.

He might miss his vacation,
and some drug dealer's
holding my mom hostage.

Say no more.
We've all been there.
What kind are you looking for?

I don't know a brand name.
I burned it all
in the trash can.

[ Sniffs ]

Mendocino Greeno.

Reminds me of a trip to
Six Flags I'm sure I enjoyed,
but have no memory of.

So you can help us?

You'll need to go see
a guy named Circus
at the Palm Motel, Room 231.

Uh, probably run you
about 2,000 crabs.
That's dollars.

I'm tryin'
to get it to catch on,

but I can tell from your faces
you're not going to be
early adopters.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While we were off trying
to buy a duffel bag of weed,

Joy was trying to
keep her mouth shut, which,
of course, was impossible.

Oh, snap.
Snap what?

I know you. You're that boy
from school that used to have
those panic attacks.

You'd have to lay on the floor
and suck your fingers. We used
to call you Floor Finger Sucker.

Yeah? Well, I wasn't the
only one in high school with a
nickname that ended in "sucker."

But unlike you, my nickname
just made me more popular,
Floor Finger Sucker.

- Say it again.
- Floor Finger Sucker.

[ Muffled ]
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

I take the tape off,
you're just gonna call me
Floor Finger Sucker again.

[ Coughing ]

Floor Finger Sucker!

[ Earl Narrating ]
All the stress
was really getting to Dwayne.

So he snuck off to my parents'
bathroom to suck on his fingers
and something even worse.

[ Man ]
* Open up your window
Let some air into this room *

* I think I'm almost chokin'
from the smell
of stale perfume *

* And that cigarette
you're smokin' *

* 'Bout scared me
half to death *

* Open up the window, sucker
Let me catch my breath *

** [ Continues ]
My parents had smoke alarms,

but unlucky for my mom,
they weren't mounted
on her face.

And while Mom was checkin' out,
Dad was droppin' in.

[ Gasps ]
Is Kay all right?

She's fine.
You are my hero.
Thank God you came.

'Cause my legs are starting
to cramp and my tongue is--
[ Muffled Shouting ]

[ Muffled ]
Come on!

Come on!
[ Continues Shouting ]

Come on. Let's go.
Is he after you?

No. Our flight
leaves in two hours.

But we still gotta
stop by the bank
and cash these savings bonds.

I'm sorry you have to
cash in your bonds, Dad.

They're not mine.
Your relatives
gave them to you for college.

So when Harvard finally
comes calling, you're screwed.

Hold on. You always said
these were back-up copies
of my birth certificate.

That's because I knew
you'd steal them.

But they're my money.
You've been keepin' it from me.
Who's the criminal now?

I've been saving 'em until
I thought you were responsible
enough to handle them.

Obviously that's failed,
because we're using them to buy
a duffel bag of marijuana!

Now let's go.

Do I have
any savings bonds?
You have a couple.

But most of the relatives took
'em back when Mom brought you
home from the hospital...

and you still weren't
responding to light or sound.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a quick stop at the bank,
we went to buy drugs...

in the very motel room
me and Randy would
eventually call home.

We're here to buy pot.
Dad, you're not
supposed to just say it.

No, it's okay.
Your honesty is refreshing.

Follow me.
I'll get Circus.

Dibs.

Oh, look. Our next stop
on our tour of lowlifes.

[ Catalina ] Circus! Open up!
Randy, you keep following
your idiot brother,

you're gonna end up
living together
in a dump like this.

How could we both live here?
There's only one bed.
We're two guys.

Dad, give us some credit.
We're not gonna end up
living in a motel.

Don't talk to me.
I've already given up
on you.

What do you want?
I'm trying to shave
the kangaroo.

Two weed-heads and a narc
are here to see you.

You lick that shaving cream
off, I'm gonna put pepper on
your pouch again.

Oh, hey, what's up,
people that are not
wearing their Speedos?

[ Chuckling ]
[ Chuckle ]

Darnell sent us.
We need to make a purchase.

Ah, certainly.
No, I recognize you two.

You're that guy that runs around
with that tight little blonde
with the variety-pack kids.

I'm just, like, wondering
about this old dude.

Don't call me "dude."

Easy, Lebowski. I just need to
do a security check to make sure
you're not wearing a wire.

Saint Christopher,
holy patron of travelers,

protect me and lead me
safely to my destination.

Oh, I think he likes you.

What is Cairo? What is Paris?
What is Spain? What is Europe?

[ TV: Buzzer ]
[ TV: Host ] The correct
response is, "What are pies?"

[ Groans ]
I knew that.

Look what Mr. Scissors did.

- What the hell
are you doin', lady?
- I'm getting rid of my hair.

It's dead.
It's all dead.

It just sits there,
doing nothing.

It's loitering.
[ Giggles ]

I'm so hungry,
I could kill a child.

Okay, you're
freaking me out, man.

Way to go, Floor Finger Sucker.

She got a contact high
from the doob you smoked
and now she's trippin'.

[ Gagging ]

What the hell
are we supposed to do?

[ Gagging Continues ]

He's clean.

Well, that was long
and uncomfortable.

Have a seat, gentlemen.

[ Chattering ]
Help yourself
to some cashews.

What are you in
the neighborhood to purchase?

We'd like a duffel bag's
worth of, uh,
Mendocino Greeno, please.

Excellent choice.
[ Snaps Fingers ]

[ Beeping ]

That's our flight
taking off.

Our vacation is
officially ruined.

And I learned
how to say "thank you"
in Samoan for nothing.

Fa'afetai, Earl.

Fa'afetai very much.

I think you guys
are gonna like this crop.

It goes great
with marshmallows...

or those little crackers
that are shaped like fishes.

So, have a try
before you buy, huh?
Just a little taste.

Well, Mr. Circus,
as generous an offer
as it is,

we're gonna pass
on the taste.

Whoa, pops.

You might not be wearing a wire,
but that right there--
that right there was a cop move.

H-H-He's not a cop.

Look, he tucks his shirt
into his underwear.
What kind of cop would do that?

[ Chuckling ]
Drop your shorts, Dad.
Show him the tuck.

Clayton.

So you're gonna take a hit
of this or Clayton's gun.

And Clayton's not afraid
to shoot someone.
Isn't that right?

[ Gunshot ]
Ow!

[ Scoffs ]
Really, Clayton,
you could've just said yes.

I was just trying
to scare to him.

Hit the bong, dude.

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and my dad
weren't close, but I knew
a few things about him for sure.

He hated violence,
people with unclear sexuality,

exotic animals
kept in small spaces...

and most of all, drugs.

And now I'd dragged him
right into the middle of it.

Come on, scoutmaster,
fire it up.

[ Man ]
* I'm so scared
in case I fall off my chair *

** [ Continues ]
All right, I--
I guess I got no choice.

* Clowns to the left of me
jokers to the right *

* Here I am
stuck in the middle
with you **

Oh! Bravo!
[ Laughing ]

I did not see that comin'
from the old guy.

Although I do believe
you owe me a new Clayton.

I don't owe you
a turd on Christmas.

People been telling me
what to do all day,
and I've been listening,

doin' things I didn't
want to do for people
I don't wanna do 'em for.

If I gotta break the law
to save my wife I'm doin' it
on my own terms,

not some freak-show
drug dealer's.

[ Grunts ]

Here's your $2,000.
I'd like my duffel bag of dope.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It certainly wasn't
the day my parents expected...

when they woke up that morning.

My dad had stood up
to a drug dealer, and my mom,
well, she was as high as a kite.

Mom and Dad never talked with us
about what happened that day.
They just tried to forget it.

Which was a lot easier to do
once Mom's hair grew back.

I can see why you'd
put all that on your list.
You did ruin my trip.

But what you don't know
is what happened afterwards.

[ Carl ] Turns out,
I couldn't stop thinking about
what happened in that motel.

It was the most alive
I've ever felt.

Over the next few days,
whatever I did,
no matter how boring it was,

it seemed more exciting.
[ Yells ]

My normal life
wasn't so normal anymore.

[ Karate Yells ]

[ Man ]
* Super fly *
I felt like a new man.

* You're gonna make your fortune
by and by *

* But if you lose
don't ask no questions why *

** [ Continues ]
And when the rush
started to wear off,

I went back for more.

I'll take another two grand
worth of that Mendocino Greeno.

Camden police!
This is a bust!

- * Super fly **
- Up against the wall.
Spread 'em.

You know why I like you?
'Cause you never do the thing
that I think you're gonna do.

[ Laughs ]

Maybe I never
got to American Samoa,

but you gave me something
more important--

a chance to prove that
when push came to shove,
I could protect my family.

When my wife and my sons
were in danger,

I wasn't just
some middle-age
frame store owner.

I was a hero.

[ Chuckles ]
It was the best feeling
I've ever had.

Fa'afetai, Earl.

Fa'afetai.

Oh, and one more thing.

I never gave up
on you, Son,

and I never will.