All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E12.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Karma finally brought me
my good thing,

but then plowed into her
at 40 miles an hour.

And I wasn't
doing so good myself.

But when you've been through
rough times as much as I have,
you learn ways to deal with it.

Like when I was a kid.

You call this dinner?
I bust my hump all day,
then I come home to salad?

Well, I'm sorry.
Here. I'll just pour
some scotch on it.

Then I'm sure that
you'll lick the plate clean.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't grow up
in the perfect home.

But when things got bad,
I turned on the TV
and pretended I did.

Honey, are my pants done yet?

My boss wanted me
to go over the Johnson account
this morning,

and I can't debrief
in my briefs.

- [ Audience Laughing On TV ]
- Why not?

He might take one look
at those cute legs of yours
and give you a raise.

[ Kisses ]
[ Audience ]
Aw.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I guess that's why
my mind did what it did.

It knew my body couldn't get
to a TV to drown out the pain,

so it took over
and did what I had trained it
to do when I was a kid.

- Honey, I'm home.
- [ Audience Applauding ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
My mind created
a nice little world for me,

where my list was finished,
dinner was always waiting,

any problem could be solved
in a half hour,
and I was married to Billie.

Hello,
Mr. Senior Account Executive.

How's the new corner office?
Well, it's so big
it has two corners.

Well, that's two more corners
than my father said
you'd ever get.

[ Audience ]
Aw.

Oh! Sam, the two-eyed mailman,
delivered more wedding gifts
today.

Uh, not another toaster,
I hope.
Nope.

Four toasters!

Let me guess what's for dinner.

[ Together ]
Toast!

[ Audience ]
Ooh!

[ Sirens Wailing ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Back in the real world,

things weren't going
so well for me or Billie.

So, uh, you guys
gonna cut off her shirt?

Earl? Earl!

What happened?
What happened?

Uh, ex-Officer Daniels
was driving by
and found them in the street.

Yes. That is how it happened.

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

Please be a dog. Please be
a dog. Please be a dog.

Aw, crap.

Earl?

Wakey, wakey,
if your neck's not breaky.

His neck's not breaky, is it?
Ambulance man, get over here
before God takes him.

Don't take him, Your Majesty.

Take me instead--
or my weight in squirrels.

- Ambulance man!
- Easy there, gorgeous.

Let 'em do their job,
all right?

There are two people hurt here.
The paramedics had to make
a very difficult decision,

and, clearly,
they have chosen the hot chick
with the nice taters.

[ Earl Narrating ]
This wasn't the first time...

Randy had seen me on the ground
fighting for my life.

[ Man ]
* Me and my arrow *

* Straighter than narrow *

Wow! It goes so high,
you can't even see it anymore.
Do another one.

* Wherever we go *

* Everyone knows *

* It's me and my arrow *
Mother!

Pull it out!
Pull it out!

Randy, pull it out!
* Me and my arrow **

[ Earl Narrating ]
Last time Randy had the choice
of helping me out,

he froze up with fear,
ran home
and hid under the bed.

He wasn't gonna
make that mistake again.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Tires Squeal ]

[ Paramedic ]
Hey, where the hell is he going?

Ah, nuts.

We got a stolen ambulance
eastbound on Sycamore Street.

I would be in pursuit,
but our Al-Gore-wannabe mayor...

decided to go green
and replaced my squad car
with a bicycle.

[ Dispatcher ]
Copy that.

I hit the girl with my car.

Shh. I know, buddy.
We're gonna get you
through this.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Between me and Randy,
we had stolen a fire truck,

two cop cars
and a bulldozer,

but this was
our first ambulance.

I just wish
I'd been awake to enjoy it.

Hold on, Earl!
You're gonna be okay!

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Thudding ]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I should've strapped you in.

Just calm down, Randy.
You're no good to anyone
if you can't think straight.

Try and relax.
Listen to a little music.

[ Man On Radio ]
If you can hear us,
bring back the ambulance.

If the patient dies,
you'll be held responsible.

How'd that deejay
know I stole an ambulance?

Man, the engine is fried.
Joy, I thought you said
you put oil in the BRAT.

We were all out of oil.
But I sprayed a can and a half
of PAM in there.

Oh, but you know what?

One was regular,
and one was Butter Flavor.
That's probably it.

Yeah. That's probably it.

Maybe I could fix it.
What are you gonna do,
feed it hay?

Queso es not un burro.

Get in! Get in!
Earl got hit by a car,

Mom and Dad aren't home,
and I don't know where
the hospital is!

[ Siren Chirping ]

I can't believe
he got hit by a car again.

He really should've put
"Look both ways before crossing"
on his list.

I'm not sure
if that worked or not.

But, man, Earl has
the softest lips I ever felt.

And his mustache tickles.

Is he still breathing?
I can't tell if he's breathing.

It might be a good idea
if you watch the road,

being that we're traveling
at high speeds and whatnot.

Okay. Everybody relax.
I know how to wake him up.

This is what I used to do
when he would pass out
in the middle of doing it.

Never fails.

Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
This is really bad.
Darnell, you gotta do something.

You have to save him, Darnell.
His last words to me
were angry ones.

I can't have
another dead man mad at me.

I need a knife.
I have to cut out his eyes
so his soul can't find me.

Looks like you cut out
your own eyes before you chose
that outfit you're wearing.

[ Claps Hands ] Bam! Even in
a moment like this, I can still
knock 'em out of the park.

Earl, can you hear me?
Earl!

Hello? Dummy?
You in there?
Anybody home?

Hello?
Anybody in there?
Anybody home?

[ Audience Laughing ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

No, no, no. No, no.
That's my ex-wife.

Don't let her...

in.

Hey, dummy.
Hey, Mrs. Dummy.

[ Audience Cheers ]

[ Woman In Audience ]
Darnell!

Hello, Joy, Darnell.
Hey, Earl.

Hey, Crabman.

We just came by
to bring you a wedding gift.
It's a toaster.

Just what we needed.

It's actually our toaster.
And you should know...

the right slot runs hotter
than the left, so plan
your toast accordingly.

Of course we would've
brought it to the wedding,

but the only option
on our invitation card
was "Will not attend."

So don't be surprised
when you find a cat turd
in your toaster.

She held that darn cat
over that thing for two hours.

I thought
he was never gonna go.

Well, it was good seein' ya.
I'm sure you gotta get goin'.

Got a long drive back home.
You'll have to come
for breakfast sometime.

We'll all have toasted cat crap.

We don't have a long drive home.
We just bought
the house next door.

[ Heart Thumping ]

Oh, no.
His heartbeat is really erratic.

Will this help?

We used to bring
one of these machines
to Club Chubby on Senior Day.

It's called a defibrillator.

Save the Spanish for
your little friends
at the car wash.

- Hand 'em here.
- Have you ever
done this before?

No. But I started
a man's heart with a car battery
and a waffle iron.

This should be
a walk in the park. All right.
I'm gonna need your help.

- Joy, when I say "clear,"
hit the red button over there.
- Got it.

- Clear!
- Clear!

- [ Electricity Humming ]
- [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Defibrillator Thumps ]

- Oh, dear.
- Clear!

[ Thumps, Electricity Crackles ]

Oh, crap!
I fried my husband's brain.

I'm fine.
Actually, it's not a bad buzz.

- Help Earl.
- Step aside. It's time for
a little Baywatch action.

Okay. Damn it!
I think we're losin' him!

Wait!
He can't die indoors.

If his spirit has no escape,
then it won't matter
if we cut out his eyes.

His soul will attach to us,
and all our children
will have harelips.

Earl's soul,
the exit is that way!

- What the hell, bitch?
Shut the damn--
- [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Back when we
were married and Joy rode on top
of me while I was passed out,

the only thing at risk
was an unwanted pregnancy.

Today's risk was death.
[ Screaming Continues ]

But, luckily,
my mind had no idea.

[ Audience Laughing ]
Whee!

Earl, can I talk to you
for a second?

Problem, honey?
Well, I know
Randy's a real hoot,

but I'm not sure about him
living with us.

It's the perfect plan.
We don't want
Joy coming over, right?

Well, the only thing she hates
more than a restaurant with
a "No flip-flops" sign is Randy.

Trust me.
I know what I'm doin'.

I did it. I finally got
that candy corn
out of my ear.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Randy's kind of a slob.

[ Audience Groans ]

Got an idea.

Trust me.
I know what I'm doin'.

[ Whirring ]

See?
Everything worked out perfectly.

I told ya.
I know what I'm doin'.

You know, without all that mess
that's usually around you,
you're not so bad, Randy.

I could hang out
with you all day.

Well, I guess
I don't know what I'm doin'.

This place is so clean,
Darnell and I should move in...

and rent out our house
to that one-legged girl
that hates you.

[ Laughing ]

[ Screaming ]

* Got those highway blues
Can't you hear
my motor runnin' *

Oh, snap.
* Flyin' down the road
with my foot on the floor *

* Can't stop
Gotta keep movin'
or I'll lose my mind *

* Ohh
Rockin' down the highway *

* Ohh
Rockin' down the highway **

Well, that's
a fine kettle of fish.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Fortunately, my out-of-control
wheelie bed came to a stop.

Unfortunately,
it was now hooked to a semi.

Joy didn't get a license plate,
but she did see the truck
was from Waadt Appliance.

So they went there.

Oh, Randy. Great to see you.
How's your brother, Earl?

He's good. He's good.

Actually, he's passed out,
strapped to a wheelie bed...

and attached to the front
of one of your trucks.

- So, he might be dead.
- Oh, you guys
and your adventures.

You know who you should call?
My twin brother's a cop.

He rides a bike now, but
he swears it's not a demotion.
No. No pigs.

Hey. That's my brother
you're talkin' about.

Although he is a little
on the husky side. I've been
trying to get him on Atkins.

Saved my life.

The truck had a woman driver--

tall, scrawny,
apparently does not respond
to somebody screaming,

"Stop, bitch! My friend's
stuck on your grille!"

Ah, that'd be Sissy. She was
probably on her way home.
She owns her own truck.

Can you draw a map
to Sissy's house on my hand,

and a map to the hospital
on this one?

But if her house is close
to the hospital, you could just
put 'em on the same hand map.

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
While my friends hunted for me,

Billie slowly made her way
to the hospital.

What do you think the odds are
he just got better
and walked home?

About the same as if
he spontaneously combusted.

Not true.
The government doesn't
want you to know it,

but people spontaneously combust
all the time.

That's why you see
so many sneakers
hanging from power lines.

[ Sniffing ]

He left less
than 25 minutes ago.

Share a bed
with a guy for long enough,
you learn a few things.

Well, he must've fallen off.
We need to find out what route
she took to get here.

[ Sniffs ]

Damn it! Thought you were
the pizza guy.
What do you want?

We're looking for my brother.
We have to get him
to a doctor fast.

-He was on the wheelie bed stuck
to the front of your truck.
-What are you talkin' about?

Sam Hill. That better not
have dented my grille.

I'm sorry, everybody.
But this is drivin' me crazy.

You have an eyelash
on your cheek.

There ya go.
You have enough
workin' against you...

without this
hangin' off your face.
[ Clicks Tongue ]

Look, I haven't seen
your brother.

But if you do, you tell him
to watch where he's drivin'
that wheelie bed.

It needs to stay
in the bike lane.

No joke. This is
the thickest eyelash
I have ever seen.

Dag. I bet you
could get 10 wishes
off that thing.

Go ahead.

Wait.

[ Sniffing ]

[ Sniffing ]

This isn't an eyelash.
This is one of
Earl's mustache hairs.

Share a toothbrush
with a guy, you learn what
his mustache tastes like.

Something fishy's goin' on here.

** [ Soul ]

* I've been really tryin',
baby *
So, where were we, lover?

Huh?
[ Gasps ]

* Tryin' to hold back
this feelin' for so long *

Oh, snap!

Oh, hell, no.
You are not gonna try
and steal that.

[ Door Crashes Open ]

Get your boobs off my brother!

Please, don't take him from me!
God left him for me
on the front of my truck.

He usually just leaves me
bugs and birds.

Anyway, you can't
take him from me.

- We already exchanged vows.
- Okay. She's crazy.

Lucky for us,
I know how to talk to crazy.

Hey, sweetheart.

Look, we're not gonna
take your man.

We're just gonna
fix him for you,
'cause he's broken.

For starters,
we're gonna check and see
if he's still alive.

- Darnell?
- He's crashin'.

See, he's crashin'.
And what that means to us...

is we should take him
and clean him up for you and
maybe make him not almost dead.

Well, that could help.
Yeah, he just doesn't seem
that into it when we're kissing.

Well, then we're just
gonna make him more lively
and bring him right back.

Think you could give him
a little perm? You know,
like the Mexican soccer players?

Oh, and see if
the doctors can't pump him up
a little down south there.

You know, again,
like a Mexican soccer player.

Oh, we'll pimp your ride.
Don't worry.

Randy, Darnell, can you
transport Sissy's new boyfriend
out of here, please?

For the perm, would you like
Shirley Temple ringlets,

or more of
a "Weird Al" Yankovic?

That lady's crazy.
Earl with curly hair?
Not with those cheekbones.

Good thing we're not
really doing that.

What? You're not
bringing him back, are you?

You're taking him
for your own dirty needs!

Run!

[ Grunts ]

Damn, that was my go-to.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
She's got a gun!

[ Gasps ]

Ah, crap.
You're a coward, Randy Hickey.

This is a little trick
my twin brother taught me.

He pops dents out of
washers and dryers so
they can sell 'em full price.

He's a clever
little skinny fella.

Hey, listen.
I don't feel right
about this.

That dent was made
by the girl's head.

What dent?
Never happened.
You're golden.

[ Siren Wailing ]

So no one else is chasing
this ambulance?

Cop on a bike
is all we got today?

- Is Earl okay?
- He's suffered serious
head trauma...

and massive
internal injuries.

[ Sighs ]
Well, at least they're internal.

He also has
severely bruised nipples.

We might not be able
to save one of them.

In addition, he also has
some paddle-shaped burns
on the sides of his head.

And let's see.
What else?

His left buttock is
filled with buckshot,
his teeth are covered in bugs...

and, uh, last but not least,
we're not sure,

but we think
he might have had
an involuntary orgasm.

Oh, my God.
That crazy bitch tried
to constipate the marriage.

He is going to
be okay, right, Doc?

- Define "okay."
- Not dead.

- I don't know.
- Can't you tell us
anything good about Earl?

He has a fantastic mustache.
And praise be to Ganesh,
it was unharmed.

Other than that,
all we can do is pray.

I bet you wish you had
more than one god now, eh?

[ Earl Narrating ]
So there I was,
fightin' for my life.

My body had taken just about all
the punishment it could handle,
and it was fadin'.

But not my mind.
My mind was hangin' on.
[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

I don't understand.
I took the batteries out
of all of them.

Where's that beepin'
comin' from?

I don't hear it.
[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a roundabout trip
to the hospital...

that got me shocked, dropped,
lost and possibly molested
by a she-trucker,

I was finally
under the semiprofessional care
of Camden County Hospital.

You gonna wake up
my brother now, Mr. Doctor?

Remember earlier we talked about
something called a "coma"?

Oh, yeah.
The story about the bears
sleepin' through the winter.

Right.
And we don't try to wake them.

Hopefully your brother
will pull through
and wake up on his own.

Yeah. Listen here,
Dr. Baba Ghanoush.

You people might be great
at running cheap motels,

but we're gonna require
a second opinion
from a real doctor.

You know, a Jewish one.
I'm Indian.
We're the new Jews.

- I thought that was Koreans.
- They wish.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A lot was goin' on around me,
but I was pretty unaware of it.

I was also unaware that Billie
was lyin' in the very next room.

My mind was in another place--
my safe place, TV world.

And by now my mind
had even made up a theme.

** [ Pop ]

[ Woman ]
* He is the perfect
businessman *

[ Man ]
* She's the perfect wife *

[ Both ]
* Together they live
in the perfect house *

* They thought
they had the perfect life *

* But they're never alone
No, they're never alone *

* They never have
a moment to themselves *

* 'Cause they're never alone **

[ Male Announcer ]
The Hickeys!

It's all my fault.
What are we gonna do now?

When I stopped by
the hospital the other day,

Earl's nurse gave me this.

On the back is a coupon
for a free pancake breakfast...

with purchase
of second pancake breakfast.

- That's how they get you.
- Guess what I picked up in the
parking lot at Club Chubby.

Gonorrhea?

Oh, my God! It's Earl's list.

There sure is a bunch of stuff
he never got to cross off.

What do you mean, never?
He's gonna cross the rest off
as soon as he wakes up.

- Look, Randy--
- No! No "Look, Randy,"

and no "never,"
and no pamphlets with the sad,
pull-the-plug faces on 'em.

People come back
from the dead all the time.
Zombies, werewolves, vampires.

- Need I go on?
- Randy's right.
We can't give up.

We have to do something.

Well, there are documented cases
of coma patients...

lured back into consciousness
when exposed to certain stimuli.

You know, things they enjoy.

Hey, Earl likes that show
Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp.

Think they'd let a monkey
in the hospital?

Did you have
any problems gettin' in?

No. Not once I figured out
that revolving door.

[ Earl Narrating ] So my friends
set about to draw me out of my
coma using different stimuli--

things that might
inspire me back to life.

It's bacon, Earl.
You always wake up for bacon.

How about boobs, Earl?

You used to wake up
for these often enough.

- Sorry, Darnell.
- I'm cool.

You know I don't consider
above the waist to be cheatin'.

Squeeze, baby.
You're a vegetable,
not a fruit.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When boobs and bacon
didn't work,

Darnell tried to open my eyes
to new experiences.

A third European city
you might want to wake up
and visit is Amsterdam.

Or as I like to say,
"Amster-jam."

You'll see what I mean
when you get there.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
They even helped keep me up
on current events.

And here's a picture
of Amy Winehouse
taking out the trash.

And here's a picture of
Zac Efron getting gas.

And here's a picture
of Paris Hilton reading
to her friend in a coma.

They really are just like us.

[ Earl Narrating ]
They tried classic rock.

* Burn out the day *

* Burn out the night *

* I can't see no reason
to put up a fight *

* I'm burnin', I'm burnin'
I'm burnin' for you *

[ Earl Narrating ]
And when nothing else worked,
they went for the grand finale.

[ Man ]
* Burn out the day *

* Burn out the night *

* Can't see no reason
to put up a fight *

[ Earl Narrating ]
The stuff they were doin'...

didn't do so much to bring me
back to the real world,

but it had a big impact
on the place I was.

[ Man Crooning On Radio ]
* I'm burnin', I'm burnin'
I'm burnin' for you **

[ Audience Applauding ]
Do I smell bacon?

Well, it wouldn't be morning in
the Hickey household without
fresh-cooked bacon from Paris.

Paris, France?

No, silly.
Paris Hilton.

[ Audience Cheering ]
That's hot.

- Randy, what are you doin'?
- I told Paris I'm a cowboy.

That's hot.

Well, it's off to work.
Big meeting with the boss today.

Bye, sweetie.

That's hot.
[ Audience Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy wasn't a religious man,

other than believing in
the Great Pumpkin,

but these were
desperate times.

Dear Lord.
It's me, Randy Hickey.

Please tell me what to do
to save my brother.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
But, Lord--

I'm sorry.
I'll let you finish.

Oh, yeah. Perfect.
I know how to help you.

I'll be right back.
Why didn't you
tell me this before?

You're right.
I should've asked.

Guys, I know how to save Earl!
God's little finger!

[ Gasps ]
Oh, snap!

I forgot all about
that creepy little faith healer.

You believe in faith healers?
You're suspicious
of the weatherman.

Faith healers just
magically cure diseases.

They don't pretend
to predict the future.

He's right.
This kid's the real deal.

The power of God will heal you!

Heal you!
In the name of God,
it will heal you!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy and Randy knew
Gerald was real...

because they had seen him
with their very own eyes.

Rising! Rising! Rising!
God's little finger says heal!

[ Audience Murmuring ]
Oh, my God.
I think I can see light.

- [ Woman ] It's a miracle!
- And now I see shapes.
I think I can see.

Oh, it's gone.
Oh, wait. It's back again.

Oh, it's gone again.
You're just blinkin', brother.
You'll get used to that.

Praise God.

Pick me! Pick me!

In the name of the Father, Son
and the Friendly Ghost, pick me!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy wasn't usually
the religious type,

except when she was in bed
or found herself in dire need.

You gotta heal my giant zit.
My high school reunion
is this weekend,

and I want
my English teacher to regret
pickin' his wife over me.

What happened to your leg?
I tripped over
some conjoined twins.

Wasn't my fault.
I didn't see the back one.

Daddy, give me
one more person
up here on stage!

Pick me!
I can barely walk.

Damn it, Earl!
This is my turn.

This zit's gettin' so big,
it's got a little zit
on the side of it.

You, sir.
You with the mustache
and the gimpy leg.

[ Congregation Groans ]

Don't worry, Joy.

I'm sure everybody at your
reunion's gonna be talking about
your black and white kids...

and your terrible personality,
not your big, disgusting zit.

- ** [ Organ ]
- Chargin' up
with the power of Christ!

I'm chargin' up!
You ready?
Yeah.

You ready?
Yeah!

- Are you ready?
- Bring it!

God's little finger says heal!

Oh, my God.
My leg doesn't hurt.

- [ Congregation Gasps ]
- That's incredible.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm healed!
The flick
stung a little though.

[ Shouting ]

Whoo! Whoo!

Rising! Rising! Rising!
God's little finger says heal!

Got it!
Got it! Got it!

The next morning,
that zit crusted over
and flicked right off.

A faith healer
healed my grandmother
of restless leg syndrome...

right before she died of cancer.

In hindsight,
we should've
targeted the cancer.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Knowing I needed a miracle,

my friends went to track down
that little faith healer.

Unfortunately,
he had lost his faith.

- So, could you?
- Sorry.
I don't heal anymore.

I wear these to make sure
I don't even touch anybody
by accident.

I-I-I don't get it.
Why wouldn't you
want to fix people?

Why don't you ask the harlot?

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out,
a couple days after healing us
with the spirit of the Lord,

Gerald saw us filled
with the spirit of the devil.

[ Man On TV ]
I'm in front
of Chubby's Groceries,

where we've acquired exclusive
security-cam footage...

of the latest robbery by
the criminals we're dubbing...

"Smokey and
the Tube Top Bandit."

According to victims,
the female perpetrator...

uses the lure
of a flimsy tube top
as a distraction...

while her
mustachioed accomplice absconds
with their shopping cart.

Here, you can see a bystander
attempt to stop the accomplice,

only to be assaulted
by canned goods.

After interviewing the victims,
police have released
these sketches.

Witnesses noted
the female perpetrator's
glowing, flawless skin,

and her accomplice's
catlike speed and agility.

God in heaven,
what have I done?

How am I supposed to know
who to heal and who not to?

I'm not God--
just his little finger.

Yep. You ruined
a really good thing.

No more revivals.
No more fancy two-story house.

Now I'm killin' possums
just to keep the lights on
in this dump.

You charged people
for faith healing?

Look, he may have
healing powers from God,

but it's not like he can
multiply loaves and fishes.

His family still needs to eat.
Wouldn't you do the same thing?

Unlikely. I have a turtle
who can tap-dance, given
the right song and surface,

and I let people
watch him for free.

Gerald, you don't have to
feel bad anymore.

It's okay that you healed Earl,
'cause he's not evil.
He's turned his life around.

He even made a list
of all his bad deeds,

and he's makin' up for 'em.

[ Gasps ]
We can even put you on it,
since he upset you and all.

Here.
"Made a healer boy...

scared of his own hands."

Boom. Done.

Now if you wake him up,
he'll fix it.

Wow. He made up for all this?

Maybe he really is good.

This is great.
Now we can get back
to doin' the Lord's business.

We won't have to skimp by
on the food I took from work.

Hold on a second.

What about you?
Do you have a list too?

I don't need a list.
I mean, I may have jacked up
some people now and then,

but only when
they damn well
had it comin'.

How do I know she's not evil?

One: I'm American.

Two: I saw all my pregnancies
through to the end.

And three: Nobody can
look this good without
the Lord on her side.

Unless they have
the devil on their side.

I'm not gonna
even dignify that comment
with a response,

you little lying,
bat-faced Bible freak!

Blaspheming Jezebel!
Tiny pecker!

I'm gonna go listen
to Christian rock.

I need a smoke!

So what do we do now?

Is there any way you boys
can prove to my son
that that lady is a good person?

God's little finger?
More like God's middle finger,

and you're pointing it
at yourself.

How's that feel?
I'll be in the car.

It's gonna be tough.

Brain waves are minimal.
Heart rate is at 20.

But his internal organs
are all top-shelf.

So let's get
this transplant draft started.

Dr. Fujimoto, since you haven't
saved a patient in three weeks,
you get first pick.

I want his gallbladder.

Fuj, what are you doing?

You always take the liver
in the first round.

[ Earl Narrating ]
My condition was gettin' worse.

And in my coma mind,
things were changin' too.

[ Audience Cheering ]
That is fantastic news, sir.

Wow.
A raise and an expense account
at Montgomery Ward?

I'll talk to my wife
about it right now.

About what?
Two, three, four--

You're lookin' at
the new vice president
of Slathery and Mather.

[ Audience Applauds ]
You got a promotion?

Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

But it'll mean movin' away,
for good.

And leavin'
all my friends and family.

[ Audience Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Gerald had seen video
of Joy doin' bad things,

Darnell wanted to show
some video of Joy doin'
good things, which didn't exist.

You said this was gonna
look like I was standin' in
front of an Alaskan oil spill.

This is just
our big blue sex tarp.

- We've had picnics on this.
- Trust me. Back in the day,

I could make one hell
of a propaganda video.

Although I'll admit
my previous successes were
with third world villagers.

They'll believe anything
if you give them a soda pop
and a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee.

To prove that Joy is not evil,
we've put together this reel
of Joy's news highlights...

which we feel
greatly outweighs her one
unfortunate news lowlight.

[ Woman ]
I wish we could
wait for Carter.

He's been tied up
all day with those beavers
that took over the water park.

[ Joy On TV ] All right.
Let's get this beach
and all the animals cleaned up.

But save the oil.
We can put it in cars.

No, thank you. I will not
drink another drop of water
until breast cancer is cured.

[ Man ] Water!
I saved a thousand yogurt lids.
Find a cure!

Yes, sir.
Mission accomplished.

Great job, Maverick!
Way to go, Goose!

Don't worry, kid.
I got your puppy,
and I'm gonna swim for help.

Make sure you stay in
that air bubble underneath
the bumper pool table.

I just think that dogs and cats
should be neutered.

If you would
jump on this with me, we could
really make a difference.

In reply to the vice president,
I sent him the following wire.

[ Joy Whispering ]
Vice President Nixon.

Vice President Nixon,
Los Angeles, California.

Your sincere good wishes--
Your sincere good wishes
are gratefully accepted.

You are
to be congratulated.
You are to be congratulated...

on a fine race.

I know that--
[ TV Clicks Off ]

Let's do it.

I hope your father gets here
in time to watch you.

Left a voice mail.
Darn beavers.

One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.

I win again.

Get out of the way!
Magic boy, magic hand!

Power of the Lord within me!
Power of the Lord within me!

It's chargin' up!
It's chargin' up!

Enough with the showmanship.
Just touch him
with the finger, E.T.

Shh. Gonna make him
start over.
[ Gerald ] Here we go now.

The spirit's risin'!

- I call dibs on first hug.
- Risin', risin'. Are you ready?

It's risin'. Risin', risin'!
God's little finger says--

Don't! Don't--

Don't do it, Gerald.

Why not?
I'm back in business
like you wanted, Dad. Watch.

God's little finger says heal!

Try it again.

God's little finger says heal!

It's not working.
It's all this medicine.

We can't have true faith
when we're still depending
on all these machines.

- Gerald--
- Unplug him! Unplug everything!

No, stop!

You can't heal people, Gerald.

This whole thing's been a scam.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After five years
of believing he had powers,

Gerald was finally
gonna learn the truth.

A few years back, Gerald's dad
was trying anything he could
to make a quick buck.

Hello. This is Ed from the bank.
Could you give me
your account number, please?

[ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ]
Hello? Damn it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When, out of the clear blue sky,
he was hit with an idea.

Idiot.

Poor thing.
It's dead.

Gerald, don't touch it.
That's how your uncle got AIDS.

[ Chirping ]

- * Hallelujah *
- [ Woman ]
Oh, my Lord.

* Hallelujah, hallelujah *

* Hallelujah, hallelujah **

It's a miracle!

That bird was as dead
as a doornail, and my son
brought it back to life!

He is an agent of the Lord!

Get out your checkbooks!

[ Earl Narrating ] By the time
we went to see Gerald, the
miracle business was booming.

But as it turned out, Gerald's
dad needed a little help to keep
the miracles coming.

Hey, dirtbag.
Wanna make some real money?

Hang on. Hang on.
Let me see you limp.

Okay. But you're only
gonna look, right?

I meant walk with a limp.

[ Congregation Chattering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
If Joy knew it was a scam,

she would've made me
split the money.

So I told 'em I tripped
on some Japanese twins.

Plus, I couldn't
ruin the night for Randy.

I hadn't seen that look on his
face since I blew his mind with
the magic of "Got your nose."

So, his powers
only work on birds?

No. That's not true.
'Cause he touched
my monster zit,

and the next morning
it was dried up
and on my pillow.

Yeah, I used to put
some pharmaceutical-grade
Neosporin on the kid's hands.

Carter,
how could you lie to us?

How could you lie
and cheat sick people
out of thousands of dollars?

I'm done.

I-I don't have powers anymore.

I'm done.

Look.
I'm sorry I couldn't
heal your brother.

But this is great.
I can finally be a normal kid.

And what's so great about that?

Everything, Dad.
I wear plastic gloves
on my hands.

To school. And the only people
who talk to me
are the cafeteria ladies.

You can cross
"Made a healer boy
scared of his own powers"...

off Earl's list.

I didn't like having them
to begin with.

Gerald, let's go.

So I got free passes
to the water park.
The beavers are gone.

I'm sorry, Earl.

I really thought
his magic finger
was gonna help.

[ Beeps ]

** [ Folk ]

Come on, guys.
Let's leave them alone.

* Ooh, ooh, ooh *

Get the hell out of here!
Go! Go! Go on!

* Gettin' dark
Too dark to see *

[ Beeps ]

* I feel I'm knockin'
on heaven's door *

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

I don't want you to go.

I have to, buddy.

[ Man ]
Everlast Car Service.

Pickup for Earl Hickey.
* Knock, knock
knockin' on heaven's door *

- All right. So long, everyone.
- * Knock, knock
knockin' on heaven's door *

* Knock, knock
knockin' on heaven's door *

I'm sorry I made you
do that inter-invention.

* Knock, knock
knockin' on heaven's door *

It looked like
a lot more fun on TV.

And I'm sorry
karma got so mad at you
for throwin' away your list...

that it hit you
with a car again.

* Mm-mmm *

I wish you never would've
made this stupid list.

Maybe our lives wouldn't
have gotten any better,

but at least
you wouldn't be leaving me.

* Ooh, ooh, ooh *
But I know how important
it was to you.

Maybe you didn't finish it.
But you crossed
a lot of things off, Earl.

I hope you crossed enough off
to get into heaven.

Let me cross off Gerald too.

Maybe God will give you
an extra dessert
for each one you did.

- * Ooh, ooh, ooh *
- [ Beeping ]

* Ooh, ooh, ooh *

[ Beeping ]

* Knock, knock
knockin' on heaven's door *
The list?

[ Ear Narrating ]
Right then, Randy realized
the answer wasn't the kid--

it was makin' up to the kid.

The list.

Number 45--
"Wasted electricity."

* Knock, knock
knockin' on heaven's door **

- [ Audience Cheering ]
- I can't do it.
I'm stayin'.

[ Applauding ]

That's hot.