All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E04.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Chattering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I guess my favorite time
in prison is nighttime.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Lights out.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When it's dark and peaceful,

you can almost feel like
you're not stuck
behind bars anymore.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Outside lights on.
[ Men Groan ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Those are the best
seven seconds of my day.

Prisoners like to complain,
of course,

but we're not the only ones
who can feel trapped.

Sometimes Darnell felt trapped
in a job that conflicted...

with his kind
and gentle nature.

[ Crab Screeching ]

Catalina sometimes felt trapped
just by bein' too pretty.

Is the Latina girl gonna
be walking to her car soon?

'Cause they're really strict
about curfew at
the halfway house.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy sometimes felt trapped
in his day-to-day life.

Randy!
I wanted the baby one
on the bottom.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And sometimes Joy
felt trapped...

just taking care
of her overactive kids.

[ Object Smashing ]
You two settle down!

And get Mama's thong
off your head.

You had pinkeye last week.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But I, for one,
was about to get an escape.

"Prison Creative Writing."

Creative writing
is a wonderful way
to escape from prison...

in your imagination.

It's a chance
to free your mind,

even if you're stuck
behind walls...

and a five-point limb
and torso restraint.

Anyway, I want you men
to create a story...

where you're
the main character.

And you can do
absolutely anything!

[ Narrating ] This tiny armored
lady was actually getting me
excited about writing,

saying how the pen is mightier
than the sword.

[ Body Thuds ]
Then someone used their pen
as a sword.

Excuse me, Mrs. Teacher.
I think Enrico might need
a pass to the nurse's office.

[ Sighs ]
311.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Gettin' started on
my creative writin' project...

was harder than I expected.

I always thought
I had a good imagination,

but it turns out
that was just my imagination.

Hey, Earl, how do
you spell "hematoma"?

I don't know, Sonny.
If you're gonna make up words,
just make up how to spell 'em.

No, it's a real word. See,
I'm writing a story about
me beatin' up a gymnast.

I hate those guys.

I wish I had an idea. I'm tryin'
to write, but just
drawin' a blank.

You're being too uptight, man.
You gotta just close your eyes
and look inside your brain.

You know, like when
you're driving on meth.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd never driven
on meth before,

but I've ridden shotgun
plenty of times
while someone else did,

and closin' your eyes did help.

So I gave it a shot.

So, this is my imagination.

Cool.

Okay, my story can be
about me doin' anything.

Anything I can imagine.

You could put me
in your story.
Worked for Sonny.

Come on, hit me.
Break my nose.

That-That's Sonny's thing.
Sweet of you, though.

You can go now.

Well, I can't leave unless
you stop thinkin' about me.

Right.

[ Gasps ]

You're thinking about me.

Shut up!

And that right there
took me a little less than
four and one-half hours.

Writin' sounds cool.
You could make a world
where anything could happen,

like a guy all alone
in a boat, huntin'
a big, white whale.

Randy, nobody's gonna
want to read that.

That's okay.
I got lots of ideas.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy's been lost a lot,
but never lost in thought.

Suddenly, he was in
a world of his own.

1059, 1060.

What's next on my crime fighter
exercise schedule, H.R.?

Golly, Randy, says here you do
ten zillion jumpin' jacks.

Hmm. Must be a light day.

[ Beeping ]

- Afternoon, Randy. Bad news.
- Some sort of trouble,
Commissioner?

- Earl's in trouble
at the Crab Shack.
- At the Crab Shack?

Sounds like Earl's in trouble.
We're on it.
Now trouble's in trouble.

We'll need to get our driver.
Hey, Richard, we're movin' out.

[ Toilet Flushes ]
[ Chittering ]

Step on it, Richard!

[ Beeping ]

Sumo guy with a bazooka?
That's too easy.
It must be a trap.

Look out, team.
Puppet sniper, 10:00.

I'll use my X-ray vision
to check on Earl.

Stop your shaking in fear, Earl.
Your brother will save us soon.

He's strong and fearless
and bad to the bone.

He'll never get in.
These walls
are rock-solid metal.

[ Cackling ]

This situation is hopeless.
No one can save us now.

[ Cackling ]

Since we're gonna die, I should
tell you this is actually
Randy's mustache.

He lets me wear it.

Catalina, look!

How did you get in here?

[ High-pitched ]
Dr. Shrinker shrunk us,
and we crawled under the door.

Un-shrink!
[ Computerized Voice ]
Un-shrinking.

- [ Ninjas ] Hyah!
- We're here for two things:

to kick some ass
and drink some beers.

- Get him, you fools!
- [ Shouting ]

- [ Shouting ]
- Oh!

[ Grunts ]

Did you see that one?
Wow!

Eat my tail, ninjas.

Get back in there,
you loser! Fight!

[ Shouts ]

[ Bones Cracking ]

Booyah, Randy!

Game over.

Go ahead, finish me off.

I'd never hurt a lady.
[ Sighs ]

[ Bones Cracking ]
Lucky for me,
you're no lady.

Wow!

You're the best, Randy.
I know.

You ruined everything,
Randy!

I don't ruin things.
I make 'em rock.

** [ Rock ]

Thanks, Bro.
You've done it again.

Can I have some money
for the claw machine?

Oh, Earl.

[ All Laughing ]

Wow. You wrote
all this in one night?
Yeah.

I even drew a poster,
in case Hollywood wants
to make it into a movie.

Wow. Well, the doctor
always said you were
borderline artistic.

I think I'm all the way artistic
now. I'm gonna go hang it
in the break room.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Considering Randy only
uses a 17-letter alphabet,

I was surprised
he could write a story
better than me.

So I decided I'd try again.
[ Sighs ]

Somethin' interesting.
Think of somethin' interesting.

Just so you know,
I've been all over
this place.

There's nothin'
else here but me.

Go away.
Nobody's interested in
a story about a gymnast.

Apparently you've never seen
Profiles In Courage:
The Kerri Strug Story.

No, I haven't.
Aha. Then how'd
you make me say it?

Okay, fine. I saw it, and it
made me cry. You happy now,
you son of a bitch?

Damn!

[ Earl Narrating ] It was five
days, and I still couldn't
think of anything to write.

Seemed like everybody
had an imagination except me.
[ Sighs ]

Boys, clean up this mess!
It looks like a toy store
took a dump in here!

I know what'll cheer
you up, Joy.

Writin' a story.
You should do it.

Here's a story.
"Once upon a time,
Randy shut up. The end."

Had a slow start,
but I liked the middle.

- Y'all didn't do
your homework yet?
- [ Both Groan ]

I want homework done, TV off,
and y'all in bed by midnight.

I'm not raisin'
any Nathanville trash.

[ Dodge ]
I hate homework. It's stupid.
I don't like it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy's kids hated everything
from homework to baths.

So Joy decided to go
to the only place her kids
couldn't complain--

her imagination.

[ Joy Narrating ]
Once upon a long, long time ago,
pretty far away,

there were two
whiny little brats who I loved,

but I still wanted to
wring their necks sometimes,

and a mom with the class
of Princess Diana
and the body of a porn star.

[ Together ]
You're mean! You make us
do homework, which is yucky!

Don't you talk
in unison to me.
You think I'm mean?

Mean is not bein' able
to drink daiquiris
for nine months...

and still havin' your kids
come out lazy-brained.

Let me show you somethin'
about homework. Let's go.
[ Both Grunt ]

Once there was a little boy like
you two who never, ever studied.

[ Cawing ]
Ugh! I hate crows.

And that boy who didn't do
his homework grew up
to be a giant dummy.

Hey, giant dummy.

If a train leaves a station
going 60 miles an hour,
and you're a quarter mile away,

how long do you have
to get your hairy ass
off the track?

Crud, man,
that's a toughie.

Sixty divided by a quarter--
A quarter's 25 cents.

"I" before "E" equals...
an hour and a half.

Whew! Now I got
80 minutes to kill.

[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Grunts ]

[ Both Screaming ]

Well, he got
the "kill" part right.

Anyway, that's why
I make you do your homework.
So quit your bitchin'.

Yeah, quit your bitchin'.

Shut up! I got this.

Let's go.
Y'all hate bath time?

Once there was a lazy slob
who wouldn't take a bath.

He got so nasty and sweaty
that moss grew on him.
Eww.

Then the moss got sticky,
and all his snack crumbs
stuck to it.

Then mice came,
and the nasty slob said--
Shoo, mice.

But the mice couldn't shoo
because they were too stuck
to the damn slob.

Then all the mess
at the slob's filthy house
stuck to the slob.

I hate myself!
[ Crash ]

Then cars and trees
and buildings stuck to the slob.

And then as sure
as poo on your shoe,
everything stuck to the slob.

Mountains stuck to him,
Canada stuck to him.

And the slob-clump
got so heavy that he fell
clear off the Earth.

And he fell all the way
through space until he landed
on God's desk,

where God squished him
with his coffee mug.
[ Screaming ]

God loves everybody,
but I mean, come on.

Looking good there, Joy.

Just usin' what
you gave me, "G."
[ Clicks Tongue ]

"And they went back
to their trailer and lived
happily ever after."

Okay, you two,
clean up and go to bed.

And remember, if you don't
listen to what I say,
God will kill you.

While I disagree with
your view of a conventional
anthropomorphic god,

I respect you using that myth
to discipline them
rascally boys.

I'm a creative being, Darnell. I
mean, think about all that stuff
I yell at the movie screen,

and all those great
Mad Libs I've done.

"The purple Christina Aguilera
flew into"--

[ Together ]
"The horny Carol Burnett."

That was a fun anniversary.
Mm-hmm.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Apparently all my friends
were more creative than me.

'Cause even Darnell was able
to work out some personal issues
by puttin' pen to paper.

** [ Soul ]

* My sweet animal brother *

* Please forgive my sin *

* Mmm-mmm *

* Food source with a mother *

* Where do I begin *

* To explain how my heart toils
justifying that you boil *

* Leftovers I wrap in foil *

* America burns too much oil *

Gotta stay focused.

* When I make
my dirty dollar *

Hmph!
* I have heard the sound *

Wait for it.
It's heavy.

* Of a crab who hiss
and hollers *
Ahhh!

* As he's drowning down
Oh, yeah *

* That crab fritter
you see fryin' *

* Was once a critter
I sent dyin' *

* I wanna be a quitter
and I'm sure tryin' *

* 'Cause I'm a cook
who can't stop cryin'
Ooo-ooh *

* I'm not saying what to eat
Have a shish kebab
or piggy feet *

* But honor
he who feels the heat *

* Please, respect the meat *

[ Rapping ]
* I wanna say thank you
Thank you from the nation *

* To the people with claws
Crustaceans *

* And the other animals
whose location *

* Will end up in my draws
Mastication *

- Joy?
- [ Rapping ]
* Hey, it's not selfish *

* It is quite valid
to hope that shellfish
get their own mallets *

* And you might well wish
you ordered salad *

* When a crab whups your ass
Darnell, kick your ballad *

[ Singing ]
* It's no crime to sell a ton
of murdered exoskeletons *

* No one cried
when he got fried *

* Because he walks
from side to side *

* Chigga, chigga
chigga, chigga, pinch *

* Chigga, chigga, chigga
chigga, pinch *

[ Softly ]
* Baby, I tried
to stay away from you *

* You know, tried
seeing other foods *

* Broccoli, tofu
I even dipped it in butter *

* But it's not you *

* I'm not saying what to eat *

* Life is short
and life is sweet *

* And meat is life
So I repeat *

* Please, respect the meat *

* Digest slowly *

* Please, respect the meat *

* Even in Crete *

* Please, respect the meat *

* Ohhh **

[ Crab Screeching ]

Darnell, these lyrics
are so beautiful and moving.

That's what Joey
looks like on the inside.

You should probably
stop naming them.

That's what we did with
the children in my village
after the military took over.

Damn! You've got
some crazy stories.

You ever think about
writing them down?
I wish I could write.

But with my two jobs,
when will I find the time?

[ Grunts ]

I just want
to take her to dinner.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
she found time to take a stab
at writing that very night.

[ Male Announcer ]
Presenta, en una historia
original de Catalina Aruca,

el regreso a la TV
de la primera actriz,

Catalina Aruca
como Catalina en--

Catalina,
Woman of a Thousand Tears.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Spanish Accent ]
Catalina,
why are you crying?

Yes, when tomorrow
you marry the richest man
in all of Latin America.

It is a tear of relief,
Randito,

because tonight is the last time
I will be forced into dancing
by my brother's kidnappers.

I will finally have enough money
to pay for his freedom.

Hola, Churroman.
Hola, Earlonzo.

Catalina, these churros
are in honor of your wedding.

Now I have tears
of gratitude, Darnando.

I will eat them tomorrow
after I marry Javier
and lose my virginity to him,

which will happen tomorrow,
because that is when
he will arrive into town.

¡Ay! There he is!

He can't see me in this outfit.

If he knows I dance
in front of other men,
it would break his heart,

and he will call off
the wedding.

Now I cry tears for fears.

Quick, you can use
the back door!
Your secret is safe. ¡Ándale!

[ Clucking ]
It is not safe with me.

She will suffer
for being prettier than I.

[ Cackling ]

Don't worry, my brother.

- After this last dance,
you will be free.
- [ Muttering ]

** [ Jazz ]

[ Gasps ]

Javier!

[ Cackling ]

I wanted to tell you
the truth.

The truth is...
you're a cheap tramp.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Sobbing Continues ]

But there is a reason
for my actions.

I dance to pay the ransom
for my kidnapped brother.

They cut off both
his big toes.

He can never wear
flip-flop sandals again.

Why did you not tell me?

I'm very wealthy
from my flip-flop factory.

Because of the irony.

I am not interested
in your money.

I am only interested...
in your heart.

I guess dancing
is not that bad.

At least you're not
the maid in the hotel.

[ Grunting ]

Este episode is sponsored
by Frijoles de Garcia.

Número uno in our hearts,
número uno in our stomach.

For the first time
in my life,

I cry tears...

of happiness.

[ Announcer ]
Catalina, Woman
of a Thousand Tears.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even Catalina,
who couldn't think of...

a more creative
stripper name than Catalina,
was more creative than me.

So all night I banged
my head, thinkin' of a story
about me that wouldn't suck.

I even used other
people's stuff. But nothin'
I came up with felt right.

- How many?
- Golly, Earl,
you're still at zero.

* Chigga, chigga, chigga
chigga, chigga *

[ Sighs ]

You can do this.
Just think of some sort of--
[ Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ] The next day,
I still had nothing exciting
to read out loud.

So I gave up trying to imagine
something interesting or cool.

I just wrote down
the only things I could
actually picture in my head.

Nothing big.
Just regular stuff.

But it was stuff
that made me happy.

And suddenly the words
were flowin'. It was great.

** [ Folk ]
[ Man ]
* If my words did glow *

* With the gold of sunshine *

[ Earl Narrating ] Everybody
can feel trapped sometimes
in their everyday lives.

But when you lose
your everyday life,

well, that can sometimes
become your best fantasy.

* For your steps alone *

"And that's what I would do
if I could do anything
in the world."

[ Narrating ] I didn't think
it was gonna be that great,
but people seemed to like it.

Tell again the part
about how the wings tasted.

Sure. Uh--

"The wings were not hot,
but spicy.

And the celery was warm
and bendy, like I like it."

* Then who's to guide you *

* If I knew the way *

* I would take you home **