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1
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:09,574
On today's show, a man
who had a penis transplant
2
00:00:09,618 --> 00:00:12,099
finally meets the family
of his deceased donor.
3
00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,231
What he doesn't know--
4
00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:16,494
-they want the penis back.
-[crowd cheers]
5
00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:19,193
That's so ridiculous!
6
00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:21,760
I never would've gone
on national television
7
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,414
after my penis transplant.
8
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:24,502
-What?
-[computer dings]
9
00:00:24,546 --> 00:00:26,243
Oh, dude,
we got a job.
10
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:28,158
-Grab your jacket. Let's go.
-Yeah, look, dude,
11
00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:30,552
we just worked yesterday.
I mean, come on,
12
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,641
let's set a couple guidelines
here, okay, roomie?
13
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,295
I'm not really
a "get up early,
14
00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:36,036
wash my whole body, and go
to work two days in a row"
15
00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:38,081
type of guy,
just generally speaking.
16
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:41,215
Pac, we do this job,
we get a thousand clams.
17
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,607
I don't know, dude.
That seems like
18
00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:45,219
way too many clams
for just two guys.
19
00:00:45,262 --> 00:00:46,437
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
20
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,135
I mean,
that's a thousand clams.
21
00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:49,788
I guess we could freeze
half of them
22
00:00:49,832 --> 00:00:51,790
and then slowly work our way
through the first 500.
23
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:54,358
No, Pac, the job pays
a thousand dollars.
24
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:56,317
Oh, fuck me, okay!
[laughs]
25
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,753
Why didn't you say so?
26
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,842
What do you say,
celebratory bong hits?
27
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:02,062
No, dude.
We just got a job.
28
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:04,629
Right, that was dumb.
I'm sorry.
29
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:06,240
It's unprofessional.
30
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:09,286
-We're smoking blunts.
-Hey-o!
31
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,549
Let me see that thing.
Do you have one for you?
32
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:14,074
♪
33
00:01:43,973 --> 00:01:47,368
♪
34
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:51,154
[burps, echoes]
Ooh.
35
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,156
-But it sounds good.
-Reverb, brother.
36
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,203
-Hi.
-You must be the ghost guys.
37
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,422
We are indeed.
Although I don't see ghosts.
38
00:01:58,466 --> 00:01:59,989
He does.
But we're partners.
39
00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:01,556
Yeah. I mean, we're not,
like, life partners.
40
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,558
We're business partners.
But I guess we would like
41
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,342
the business
to last a lifetime.
42
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:06,865
-But, no, we're not lovers.
-Yeah, but we have, like,
43
00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:08,432
no problem changing
in front of each other
44
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:09,781
-and stuff like that.
-I don't love it, but...
45
00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:11,087
Thrilling story. Listen,
46
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,393
I'm getting married here
in a week
47
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,134
and every time
I try to rehearse,
48
00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:15,874
my father-in-law
gets injured
49
00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:17,789
and it's really taking
the attention away from me.
50
00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:19,704
Clearly, something
doesn't want me
51
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,184
to walk down
this aisle.
52
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,577
-Yeah.
-So maybe it's best
53
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,666
-I just sit this one out.
-Come on, Gus.
54
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:27,103
You know I need a father figure
to walk me down the aisle.
55
00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,933
See, my real dad's
an astronaut
56
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:33,588
and he's been busy on this
super important space mission
57
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,981
-since before I was born.
-Whoa. Oh, holy shit.
58
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,809
I-- you know,
I never met my dad either.
59
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:39,289
In fact, I was born
in an orphanage.
60
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,812
I mean, I wasn't born
in an orphanage--
61
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,423
I'm sorry. It just--
it seems like
62
00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:43,946
you're winding up to tell
a very lengthy story
63
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,208
and I really don't
have time for that.
64
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,731
Right, yeah,
of course.
65
00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,472
Okay. Sir,
if you wouldn't mind,
66
00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:50,431
would you take a couple steps
down the aisle
67
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,520
so I can get a better sense
of what's going on in here?
68
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:53,956
I'd rather not.
69
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:55,305
I'd really rather
you did.
70
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,089
Come on, Gus.
This is important.
71
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:58,526
We're getting married
in one week.
72
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:01,485
Just walk
down the aisle.
73
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,750
-[exhales]
-Okay.
74
00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:07,535
-Not so bad.
-No, no, keep going.
75
00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:09,406
-Get into the aisle.
-[sighs]
76
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,626
-Oh!
-[screams]
77
00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:13,236
I told you!
78
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,107
-We should, um--
-[shouting continues]
79
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:16,413
We should really
go check on him.
80
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,285
-Sure.
-Fix this.
81
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:19,764
Yes, as you wish,
ma'am.
82
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,853
This is wrong.
83
00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:23,681
This is all wrong.
84
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:25,509
-God.
-Hi there!
85
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:27,207
-Oh, is it the ghost?
-Yeah.
86
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,165
Fucking Jesus Christ!
87
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,514
It's the ghost
of Jesus?
88
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:31,907
Oh, I have
so many questions.
89
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,256
Ask him what kind of wood
I should use
90
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,866
when I'm building
my end table.
91
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,390
No, it's not the ghost
of Jesus Christ, man.
92
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:38,261
It's a--
it's a lady ghost.
93
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:39,958
Really?
Describe her.
94
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,960
Well, okay, yeah.
She's, uh--
95
00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:44,224
uh,
96
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,660
well-built.
97
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,314
Muscular?
That's hot.
98
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,793
-Yeah, muscular.
-All right, listen.
99
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,360
I'm kind of
in a time crunch here,
100
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:52,406
-so if we could just...
-Get right to it.
101
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:54,364
The thing is, I know
I don't look old-fashioned,
102
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:56,540
but I am, and I really need
Jane's father
103
00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:58,977
-to walk her down the aisle.
-Isn't Jane's father
104
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,110
-in outer space?
-What? No!
105
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:02,938
She just told me
he was.
106
00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:04,156
Jane's father
is not in space.
107
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,419
That is something
I made up
108
00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:06,985
to tell
a two-year-old.
109
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:10,075
See, the thing is,
I was a porn actress, okay?
110
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,208
-Yeah.
-Cindy Squirter.
111
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,296
-No?
-No.
112
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,777
-No?
-Cindy Squirter?
113
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,953
Her dad was
one of my costars
114
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,260
and I was gonna come clean
to her about it at some point,
115
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:21,913
but I died
when she was so young.
116
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:23,437
Pac, what's happening?
Tell me what's going on.
117
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,655
Okay, she was a porn star.
118
00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:25,830
-Actress.
-Muscle porn?
119
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:27,049
-Yo, that's my jam!
-I know.
120
00:04:27,092 --> 00:04:28,485
-Hook me up!
-Okay,
121
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,834
this might be kind of easier
than we think.
122
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:31,401
You just tell us
the name of that costar,
123
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:32,794
we go round him up
and bring him to the wedding.
124
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,404
-Piece of cake.
-I don't know
125
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:35,884
who Jane's father is.
That's the problem.
126
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,320
I made a lot of movies
127
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,714
around the time
that Jane was conceived.
128
00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:42,325
All I know is
it was October 1991
129
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,805
and the only person
with the information
130
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:45,285
of who I was
in the movies with
131
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,069
was my agent, Saul.
132
00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:48,679
[snaps fingers]
Your agent Saul.
133
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,333
Okay, good. That's where
we'll start, then.
134
00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:51,987
[clicks tongue]
135
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:53,380
-Come on, let's go.
-So, does she have, like,
136
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:54,903
a Sylvester Stallone
kind of body?
137
00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,078
Yeah.
"First Blood."
138
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:57,906
[knocking on door]
139
00:04:57,949 --> 00:05:00,082
-Guys, come in. Sit down.
-Thank you.
140
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:01,736
Thank you.
Don't mind if we do.
141
00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:03,694
Okay, before we get started,
you gotta sign
142
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:05,392
one of these
release forms.
143
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:06,915
-Here.
-Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
144
00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,526
Sorry, the pen's
a little chewed up, but...
145
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:12,224
Sorry, what are
these release forms for?
146
00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:13,835
Big, fat,
gay bear movie.
147
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:16,272
-No...
-You two, you're perfect.
148
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,492
No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no.
[chuckles]
149
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:21,756
No, no, no, we're not here for
any big, fat, gay bear porn.
150
00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,714
You can't quite
pull off twink anymore.
151
00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:26,761
No, no, no. We're not here
for any kind of gay porn.
152
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,763
You don't have to be gay
to suck dick in a film.
153
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:29,764
-Well...
-Some of
154
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:30,982
the straightest guys I know,
155
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:32,636
they exclusively
have sex with men.
156
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,204
-No. Saul...
-How much do these guys make?
157
00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:36,814
-No, Clyde!
-What if we just
158
00:05:36,858 --> 00:05:38,207
-jerk off with-- all right.
-Yeah, we're not.
159
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:39,948
We're not going down
that path. Saul,
160
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:41,689
we're here because of
a former client of yours,
161
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:43,865
-Cindy Squirter.
-God.
162
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,649
-Sweet girl.
-Yeah.
163
00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:47,390
Can I have one
of these dick candies?
164
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:48,565
Yeah, help yourself.
165
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,222
She has a kid
who's all grown up now
166
00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:54,397
and we're trying
to find its father.
167
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:55,964
Do you have
any recollection
168
00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:57,139
of what Cindy's schedule
would've looked like
169
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,445
in October of '91?
170
00:05:58,488 --> 00:05:59,794
You know,
around that time,
171
00:05:59,837 --> 00:06:02,100
Cindy, she worked
almost exclusively
172
00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,407
with an actor
named Diego.
173
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,235
-Diego.
-Decent guy.
174
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,411
-Great penis.
-Okay, well, excellent.
175
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,891
So, then Diego
must be her father.
176
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,588
-I think so.
-The only trouble is
177
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:14,286
Diego, he had
a vasectomy.
178
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,940
Could not have
been him.
179
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,421
Let me see if I've got
one of my calendars.
180
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,162
This release
is not that bad.
181
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:21,337
-[glass shatters]
-I guess.
182
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,774
It's worth considering.
183
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,167
-Is that the rate?
-Yeah!
184
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,561
-Got it.
-Hey, bingo!
185
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:30,041
Diego, Diego.
186
00:06:30,085 --> 00:06:31,826
-Mm-hmm.
-Diego,
187
00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:34,481
Diego, "Cindy 500,"
188
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:37,745
Diego, Diego, Diego.
189
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:38,920
Hold on, hold on,
back that up.
190
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,574
What's "The Cindy 500"?
191
00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,053
It's a little movie
we made
192
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:44,447
where 500 guys
banged Cindy
193
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,623
-in a paint shed.
-[groans]
194
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,495
-I got a copy.
-Give it here.
195
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:50,148
-That'll help.
-Okay, so the father
196
00:06:50,192 --> 00:06:52,455
is gonna be any one
of these 500 guys?
197
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:55,284
Could be worse. I have a client
who did a picture called
198
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:56,894
"20,000 Loads
Under the Sea."
199
00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:58,461
[sighs]
200
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,376
Keep the pen.
I've got a million of them.
201
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,595
Thank you.
202
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,861
[sniffs]
203
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,471
Ugh, to all the people
who laughed at me
204
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:12,170
for still using a VHS,
look who's laughing now.
205
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:14,172
Ha ha!
206
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:16,087
-Got 'em.
-Hey, hey, don't fast-forward.
207
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:17,872
I don't want any spoilers.
208
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,526
We just need to get to the end
credits so we can get the names.
209
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:21,266
But when I looked it up
on Wankipedia,
210
00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:22,572
it said it was really good.
It's worth watching.
211
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,356
Okay, we'll watch it later,
212
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,836
but for right now, come on.
It's work time, buddy.
213
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,316
-Here we go.
-All right.
214
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,057
-End credits.
-Unrelated, I have an erection.
215
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,232
-Okay, write these down.
-Yeah.
216
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:33,365
Okay. Tommy Salami.
217
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,237
James Van Der Cock.
218
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,153
Edward Scissordicks.
Benicio del Toro.
219
00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,720
Wait a minute, these aren't
real names, are they?
220
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,809
No, they're obviously
fake porn names.
221
00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:43,637
Although I did grow up
down the street
222
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,640
-from a Scissordicks family.
-Fuck!
223
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:50,121
Well, that was a huge waste
of a few moments.
224
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:53,473
Oh, wait a second.
225
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:55,300
All these porn actors,
they probably had to fill out
226
00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:57,520
one of these, um--
the forms that Saul gave us.
227
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,956
-Oh, the release form.
-Release form, yeah!
228
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,392
Look at this.
Number's on here.
229
00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:01,872
Oh, shit!
I'm gonna call Loinsgate.
230
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:05,746
-What is it? Yeah, yeah.
-555-0169.
231
00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:08,313
[chuckles]
It ended in 69.
232
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:09,837
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
'cause they're a porn company.
233
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,534
I know, I know.
That's really funny.
234
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:14,494
Hello. I was wondering
if-- if you could give me
235
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:16,452
the 500 release forms
236
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,062
in the adult
cult classic
237
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:19,716
"The Cindy 500"?
238
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,675
Uh-huh.
239
00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:23,981
Oh, okay.
240
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,070
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
241
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:28,986
Thank you.
242
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:31,075
-They gave you all 500 names?
-[sighs] No.
243
00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:32,903
They said that that was
really sensitive information
244
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:34,470
they don't just give out
to any douchebag.
245
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,211
Shit!
246
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,213
-Okay, well...
-[glass shatters]
247
00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:39,954
I guess we have
one option left.
248
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:42,434
Break into Loinsgate
and steal the release forms.
249
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,917
No, I was gonna say smoke a bowl
and guess the 500 names.
250
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,963
But that's
a way better idea!
251
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,965
Uh, if you weren't
writing down names,
252
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,923
-what were you writing down?
-Oh.
253
00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,319
-Ah.
-Cute, right?
254
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,450
Yeah.
255
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,670
♪
256
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:34,574
Pac, come on,
we're in.
257
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:38,969
Did you get that cheeseburger
out of this Dumpster?
258
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:40,536
What? No!
259
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,451
I got it from the Dumpster
near our apartment.
260
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:43,539
Okay.
261
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:52,940
♪
262
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:54,898
This is so awesome.
I love being bad!
263
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,171
Hey, here it is!
Here it is, here it is!
264
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:08,651
-You got it?
-I got it!
265
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,566
I couldn't even get the...
[chuckles]
266
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,178
Hey, what do you two
think you're doing?
267
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:16,093
-Huh?
-Huh?
268
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:18,052
No, nothing.
What do you think we're doing?
269
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:20,358
You know what the penalty is
for trespassing, huh?
270
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,057
Six months in jail
and a $1,000 fine.
271
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,885
One deep-dicking.
272
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:26,364
[shouts]
273
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:27,844
-Huh?
-Huh, what?
274
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,803
-This LA-Chicago-style?
-That's right. Come on.
275
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,848
-What?
-Cut!
276
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,850
What's the problem?
Suck his dick already.
277
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:35,852
You want me to suck his dick
or do you want him to suck mine
278
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,680
-or-- who's sucking--
-Whoa, neither.
279
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:39,029
-What?
-Actually, I don't know.
280
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,988
Wait, what's happening
right now?
281
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:43,904
You're ruining "File Cabinet
Security Dick Suck 3,"
282
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,296
-that's what's happening.
-Oh.
283
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:47,734
-[door opens]
-What's going on?
284
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:48,996
When did we
get replaced
285
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,345
by these bigger, fatter,
gayer bears?
286
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,434
Hold on.
287
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,741
If those gay bears
are the actors,
288
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,394
who are
these other gay bears?
289
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,614
We're not gay bears!
290
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,355
What, do you think
you're twinks?
291
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,662
[men laughing]
292
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,276
No!
293
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,323
Good to see you guys.
294
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,763
Let's take it back
from "one deep-dicking."
295
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:18,068
All right,
I gotta pick up my kids,
296
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,417
so let's wrap this up.
297
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,419
♪
298
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,769
All right.
299
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,510
500 names
for 500 faces.
300
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:26,816
Now let's watch
some porn.
301
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,818
Oh, God,
this TV is too small!
302
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:31,516
I can't see
any of the guys' faces.
303
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,302
Are you zooming in
like it's an iPhone?
304
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:36,304
What, no. No!
[chuckles]
305
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:38,132
No, there's--
there's a little smudge
306
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,220
on the screen right there.
See?
307
00:11:39,263 --> 00:11:40,569
There you go.
308
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,266
Let me try.
309
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:44,355
-Nope, it's broken.
-I don't have any money.
310
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:47,010
Okay, well, we can't work
like this, man!
311
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:48,751
Need a bigger TV.
312
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,492
-We do need a bigger TV.
-Yeah.
313
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:52,755
You know, if we wanna
start making some money,
314
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:53,974
we're gonna need
to spend money.
315
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,105
Right.
316
00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,890
'Cause you gotta--
317
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:59,588
you gotta spend money
to make money.
318
00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:00,807
Yeah.
319
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,330
Yeah, you gotta
spend money
320
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:06,769
-to make money!
-To make money!
321
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,162
Shit!
322
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,337
[projector whirring]
323
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:10,904
Let's talk
about payment.
324
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:12,862
I don't have
any money.
325
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,777
Well, I got 500 guys
out in the truck
326
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:16,561
who need to get paid.
327
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:18,215
Get paid?
328
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,915
I'm sure we can
work something out.
329
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,700
♪
330
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,789
Oh, yeah.
This is so much better.
331
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,704
-That's Cindy, huh?
-Yeah.
332
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,793
She's not even nearly as buff
as I thought she was gonna be.
333
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,273
Nice pecs, though.
334
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:33,927
So we're gonna need
to "demise" a way
335
00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,364
to narrow down these gents
and then get their DNA.
336
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:38,845
What about good old-fashioned
racial profiling?
337
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:40,672
-Read my mind.
-[Cindy moaning]
338
00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:41,804
What does that mean?
339
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:43,806
♪
340
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:48,158
All right,
down to 493.
341
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:51,248
493?
Oh, God damn it!
342
00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:52,815
There's too many dicks
and dudes coming at me.
343
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:55,992
I can't-- this is gonna be
effing impossible.
344
00:12:56,036 --> 00:12:58,429
That's a good paint job.
345
00:12:58,473 --> 00:13:01,693
-Let me give you a paint job.
-Oh, yeah.
346
00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:03,783
-[exhales]
-Whoa, whoa, did you see that?
347
00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,132
That dude just popped
on her face.
348
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:06,742
That dude popped
on her face!
349
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,352
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-Clyde, X him out!
350
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:10,441
-Uh, this guy, right?
-Yeah, the smug-looking fucker.
351
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:12,661
Oh.
352
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:16,056
This might just be
effing possible.
353
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:17,013
Tits.
354
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:20,756
Tits.
355
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,237
Tits. Face. Tits.
356
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,152
-Yep.
-Stomach. Tits.
357
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:27,719
Face. Ass. Hair.
358
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,678
Ew, camera lens.
359
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:32,594
-Camera guy.
-Uh...
360
00:13:32,637 --> 00:13:33,987
Well, that one
got past the goalie.
361
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:36,598
Circle that guy.
362
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,861
Tits, tits, tits.
363
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:41,385
-Got it.
-I want your big brush!
364
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:43,213
-Oh, man.
-[Cindy moaning]
365
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:46,173
Tits.
366
00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:48,610
Another one got in.
Circle 17.
367
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,830
Number 436,
fire in the hole.
368
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,570
No, never mind.
Wrong hole.
369
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,879
All right.
Let's go find these guys.
370
00:13:58,359 --> 00:14:00,448
♪
371
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:07,716
[coughing]
372
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:28,911
Spend money...
373
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,870
To make money!
374
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:34,003
Yeah!
375
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,440
♪
376
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:57,722
30 paternity tests
if you please.
377
00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:59,289
Also, careful with some
of those semen jars.
378
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,683
It's hard to get a proper seal
with a hot load.
379
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,686
Okay, you're gonna need
to fill out some paperwork.
380
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,470
Uh...
381
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,257
Okay, altogether,
these tests will cost you
382
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,172
roughly $30,000.
383
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:20,528
What the hell
are we gonna do?
384
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:21,703
We've already spent
too much money.
385
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,313
The wedding is tomorrow.
386
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:24,749
How the hell are we gonna get
30 paternity tests done
387
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,577
quickly and cheaply?
388
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,537
[audience cheering]
389
00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:33,410
Coming up next--
a medium
390
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:35,630
who's been in contact
with a dead porn star
391
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:38,024
tries to find out
who her baby daddy is
392
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,113
and I reveal
which one of these men
393
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,636
is the father.
394
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,507
Coming up right after
the commercial break.
395
00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:44,769
[crowd cheering]
396
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,904
[applause, cheering]
397
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,297
Welcome back.
398
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:52,212
Clearly, none of these men
want to man up
399
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:53,953
and admit that they are
the father.
400
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:56,607
-[audience booing]
-Yeah, right? I know!
401
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:58,261
Okay, so, Kevin,
402
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,742
are you sure
that one of these men
403
00:16:00,785 --> 00:16:02,918
is the father
of your baby?
404
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,920
Wesley,
I'm 1,000% sure.
405
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,704
But just to be clear--
not my baby.
406
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,228
You heard it here first,
folks.
407
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,882
The father
of this man's baby
408
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:13,363
is definitely
on this stage.
409
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:15,061
Are you ready to hear
the results, Kevin?
410
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,714
Never been more ready
in my life.
411
00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:18,499
-Uh, but again...
-Moment of truth!
412
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:19,674
...not my baby.
413
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,415
Number one...
414
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:22,982
[clears throat]
415
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:24,244
...you are not
the father!
416
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:27,638
-♪
-[cheering]
417
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,466
Okay, cut the music. Thank you.
[clears throat]
418
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:32,252
Number two,
you are not the father!
419
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,515
-♪
-[cheering]
420
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:36,256
Okay, let's
just quickly go--
421
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,909
not the father,
not the father,
422
00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:41,043
definitely not the father.
No, no, no,
423
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,872
no, no, no, no,
no, no.
424
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,788
[chuckles]
And last and probably least,
425
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,617
you...
426
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,793
-...are not the father!
-[audience booing]
427
00:16:51,836 --> 00:16:54,535
-[men cheering]
-What?
428
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:56,580
♪
429
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,497
[chanting]
430
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,412
That's just excessive.
431
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:04,545
-A little excessive.
-I like it.
432
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,547
[chanting]
Go, go, go!
433
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:09,158
-Oh! Okay.
-Whoo!
434
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,682
-All right, all right!
-Yes!
435
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:13,423
-Yes!
-All right!
436
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,425
Well, folks,
437
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:18,602
we may not have had any positive
paternity tests here today,
438
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:20,822
but stay with us. Right after
the commercial break,
439
00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:23,216
I will reveal
which of these four gentlemen
440
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:25,783
tested positive
for HIV!
441
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,047
-Back in a moment!
-[applause]
442
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:29,787
And we're clear.
443
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,876
-[clears throat]
-Uh, Mr. Chilcott?
444
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,095
-Great show.
-Right?
445
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:34,662
Uh, what--
what happened here?
446
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,577
-What, there was no match?
-Oh, there was a match.
447
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,753
I was just surprised
you didn't bring him with you.
448
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,494
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
449
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:43,888
♪
450
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:46,195
There was DNA
all over that.
451
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,502
-[sniffs]
-Good luck.
452
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:52,419
[clears throat]
453
00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:54,464
I knew you two
were coming back.
454
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,118
Now, that just proves
that you're secure
455
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,685
in your heterosexuality.
456
00:17:57,728 --> 00:18:00,122
Okay, now let's see
a little ass to mouth.
457
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:01,428
Saul,
we told you before,
458
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,386
we're not doing
any gay bear porn!
459
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,997
Yeah, no shit.
We wrapped that last week.
460
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:08,217
-Good!
-We're on to rhino porn now.
461
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:09,610
-What?
-All you gotta do
462
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,699
is strap a dildo
to your head
463
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,657
and peg each other
in a mud puddle.
464
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,311
-That's gross, man!
-It's not that bad.
465
00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:16,834
That is bad, Clyde.
466
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,227
Doesn't get much worse
than that.
467
00:18:18,271 --> 00:18:20,055
Listen, Saul,
we're trying to tell you
468
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,144
that you are the father
of Cindy's daughter.
469
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:24,712
-You're Jane's dad.
-Really?
470
00:18:24,755 --> 00:18:26,148
-Yeah.
-Yes.
471
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:27,454
Hey, can I have one
of these dick candies?
472
00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,020
-Yeah, help yourself.
-So, basically,
473
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:31,066
we tested this pen,
which had your DNA on it,
474
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,895
-and it was a match.
-Well, that makes sense.
475
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,940
I always give my clients
a warm-up fuck.
476
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:38,639
Huh. That information
might've been useful
477
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,902
-about a week ago.
-Listen, the warm-up fuck,
478
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,991
it is standard practice
in our industry.
479
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,340
[groans]
480
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:46,734
-I have a daughter?
-Yes, you do,
481
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:48,388
and she is marrying
a very, very nice,
482
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,651
-very quiet guy.
-That little prick
483
00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:52,479
didn't ask
for my blessing!
484
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,350
Saul, you're getting caught up
in the wrong details, man!
485
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:55,917
You have a daughter
who is waiting
486
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,571
for you to walk her
down the aisle right now.
487
00:18:57,614 --> 00:18:59,094
Wow.
488
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,270
Is there
anything special
489
00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:02,532
I have to wear
to this wedding?
490
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,928
As a matter of fact,
there is.
491
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:08,799
♪
492
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,369
-[sighs]
-My God, you look beautiful.
493
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:14,979
I think you have
a future in film.
494
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,853
The astronaut helmet
was a really good idea.
495
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:20,159
Yeah, I think so.
496
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:21,377
I still think
he should be wearing it,
497
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:22,813
but...
498
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:24,293
[sniffles]
499
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:26,295
My little baby girl
looks so happy.
500
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,905
[sniffles]
501
00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,212
Thank you so much
for finding her father back.
502
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:31,953
I--
503
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,389
it couldn't have
been easy.
504
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,218
Well, it was my pleasure,
honestly.
505
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:39,090
It just gives me so much joy
helping somebody find their dad.
506
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:40,570
I mean, I--
I never knew my dad,
507
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,311
but, you know,
who knows?
508
00:19:42,355 --> 00:19:44,052
-Maybe one day I'll--
-Listen, my light's here,
509
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:45,532
so I'm just gonna...
[sniffles]
510
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:47,316
Oh, right. Yeah.
Of course.
511
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:53,279
Oh, my God.
512
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:55,672
Oh, my God,
it's so beautiful.
513
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:57,065
Oh!
514
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:59,328
Oh, it's finally happening!
515
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:02,505
[moaning]
516
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:04,551
Oh!
517
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:06,553
I'm coming!
518
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,166
Oh, yes.
519
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,907
-[glass shatters]
-[electricity buzzes]
520
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,430
[screams]
521
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,479
♪
522
00:20:19,522 --> 00:20:22,612
Welcome back
to the Daytona 500 Open.
523
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,397
Check this out.
524
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,137
A thousand clams.
Making it rain.
525
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:27,748
Shit.
526
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,619
How do the hip-hoppers
make it look so easy?
527
00:20:29,663 --> 00:20:31,273
They take
the elastic off first.
528
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,493
Listen, we made a lot of money
on this last job,
529
00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:35,190
but with
all our expenses,
530
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,018
we didn't net quite as much
as we had hoped.
531
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,107
Okay, well,
how much did we make?
532
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:44,373
-Negative 40 grand.
-What?! Holy shit! How?!
533
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:47,071
I mean, I guess we didn't need
to fly to China first class.
534
00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:48,943
And travel
like garbage people?
535
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,727
Absolutely not.
Look,
536
00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,860
we both understand that you need
to spend money to make money.
537
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:54,296
-We're gonna be fine.
-Yeah, I'm starting to think
538
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,819
that might be
a flawed theory.
539
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,995
No. No, it is not.
Just look at this TV, okay?
540
00:20:58,039 --> 00:20:59,562
-See that guy?
-Yeah.
541
00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:02,086
That's Danny Poker, all right?
He spent $10,000
542
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,740
to enter this tourney
just for a chance
543
00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:05,089
to win
a million bucks.
544
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:07,135
That guy spends money
to make money
545
00:21:07,178 --> 00:21:08,702
-and he always wins.
-Huh.
546
00:21:08,745 --> 00:21:10,443
-All right...
-That's pretty cool, I guess.
547
00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:12,967
-...he's about to make a move.
-Wow!
548
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:15,491
Danny Poker
is being taken all-in.
549
00:21:15,535 --> 00:21:18,059
Will he call
or will he fold?
550
00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:20,104
Oh, there it is, folks--
551
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:22,237
Danny's patented
death stare
552
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,457
where he reads his opponent
like a book.
553
00:21:35,816 --> 00:21:37,687
Call.
554
00:21:37,731 --> 00:21:39,820
Holy shit.
555
00:21:39,863 --> 00:21:42,431
-Intense, right?
-[laughs] Oh, my God!
556
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:44,564
-He did it! He won!
-[crowd applauds]
557
00:21:44,607 --> 00:21:46,392
Danny Poker
did it again!
558
00:21:46,435 --> 00:21:50,047
Can you believe that he called
with a 7-2 off-suit?
559
00:21:50,091 --> 00:21:52,746
It's like he knew
his opponent's cards.
560
00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:55,009
Little, tiny paper dicks
in your mouth.
561
00:21:55,052 --> 00:21:56,837
How's it feel? How's it feel?
How's it feel?
562
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,839
Now that's
how you make it rain.
563
00:21:58,882 --> 00:22:01,015
♪
564
00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:05,454
♪
39819
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