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1
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,964
♪
2
00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:10,619
Dude, you live in here?
3
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:13,100
Yeah, check it out.
4
00:00:14,927 --> 00:00:17,191
Oh, dude,
you live in here!
5
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:18,931
-Yeah.
-What the f...
6
00:00:18,975 --> 00:00:20,107
-[chuckles]
-How?
7
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,804
So, back in the '90s,
8
00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:23,719
I registered a whole bunch
of celebrity domain names
9
00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:24,937
and then I sold them off
years later
10
00:00:24,981 --> 00:00:26,113
-and made a fortune, man.
-Oh.
11
00:00:26,156 --> 00:00:27,636
Yeah, crazy.
12
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:29,812
ShannenDoherty.com
paid for this carpet here.
13
00:00:29,855 --> 00:00:32,119
Regis Philbin paid for
the entire kitchen remodel.
14
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,511
-And Zac Efron--
-That's nice.
15
00:00:33,555 --> 00:00:35,078
thank you--
paid for all of my pants.
16
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:36,601
He wasn't even a thing
in the '90s.
17
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:37,950
Yeah, no, I know.
I mean, sometimes I would
18
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,126
just make up a name
and get lucky.
19
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:40,823
-Nice.
-Yeah.
20
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,303
Oh, that's a two-man bong.
21
00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:43,695
-Built it myself.
-No way.
22
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:45,871
Yeah. Here, let me
show you something.
23
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,786
Something better
than that?
24
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,658
This is
my bong collection.
25
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,660
[whispering]
Oh, my God, Clyde.
26
00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:53,705
Oh, my God!
Is everything in here smokable?
27
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,403
I mean, can you
smoke everything?
28
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:58,101
This right here plays music
when you rip it.
29
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,234
Well, I'm pretty jazzed
about that.
30
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,279
And this is the first bong
I actually ever made
31
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:04,064
-back in sixth grade.
-Wow. Oh, holy shit!
32
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:05,326
There's whole
half a nug in here.
33
00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:06,675
-There is?
-Yeah. [sniffs]
34
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,633
Oh, man,
that's from middle school.
35
00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:10,592
-We gotta hit that.
-Yes, sir.
36
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:11,984
-Yes.
-[chuckles]
37
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,509
[chanting]
Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it.
38
00:01:14,552 --> 00:01:16,424
[water bubbling]
39
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:22,125
[coughing]
40
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:23,779
Yeah!
41
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:27,478
You okay?
42
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:29,524
-[gags]
-Hey, Clyde.
43
00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:31,656
Clyde! Is it okay
if I hit this?
44
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:34,703
-[coughs]
-He seems cool.
45
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:38,141
Oh, shit.
46
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,316
Can I help you?
47
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,275
You mean
48
00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:42,580
"May I help you?"
49
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,800
-What?
-May I help you?
50
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,541
You may, I guess.
What?
51
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,847
[coughing]
Oh.
52
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,156
What are you--
53
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,592
you know him
or something?
54
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,551
Know him?
55
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:00,772
He's the one
who did this to me.
56
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,778
♪
57
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,551
Oh, shit.
58
00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:42,814
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
59
00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:47,515
Are you telling me
that Clyde did that to you?
60
00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:49,256
-What?
-Did he do that to you?
61
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,083
Oh, no.
No, no.
62
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,868
I was torn apart
by guerillas in Africa.
63
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,130
-Oh, thank God.
-Yeah.
64
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,132
Oh, thank God.
[chuckles]
65
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,916
Shit.
66
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,136
For a second there I was like,
"I am a fucking shit magnet
67
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,659
for people these days."
68
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:03,095
Okay, good.
Okay.
69
00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:05,185
So, uh-- okay,
so how do you know Clyde?
70
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,317
I was his middle school
guidance counselor.
71
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:08,623
Oh.
72
00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,364
Most of the children
I worked with
73
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,061
-were...
-Pieces of shit?
74
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,671
...far below
average intelligence.
75
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,238
But once in a blue moon,
76
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:18,372
a child would come along
who had the potential
77
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:20,417
to change the world.
78
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,637
And Clyde was, like,
that student?
79
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,813
He wasn't "like"
that student.
80
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:27,642
-He was.
-He's a genius.
81
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,383
-Kind of.
-Whoa.
82
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:30,514
-Pac?
-Hey.
83
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,560
-What are you doing?
-Well...
84
00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:35,040
Ooh! You're talking
to a ghost, aren't you?!
85
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,086
Aren't you?!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
86
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,740
-Calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Ooh, what happened?
87
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:41,656
-Uh, actually, it's--
-Wait, don't tell me!
88
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:43,135
-Shit!
-Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
89
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:46,617
Uh, okay. Is it, uh--
is it, uh-- uh...
90
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:49,751
-is it Ethel Merman?
-Who-- who's Ethel Merman?
91
00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,883
-"Who's Ethel Merman?"
-Is she merfolk?
92
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:54,364
-Seriously?
-Okay, well, it's not her.
93
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:56,236
Oh, I give up, then.
Who is it?
94
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:58,586
It is the ghost of your middle
school guidance counselor.
95
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:00,196
Mr. Faggy?
96
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,763
"Mr. Faggy"?
97
00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:03,678
Is that your name?
98
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:06,681
It's Fa-jzeh!
99
00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,683
The "G" is soft.
You know that!
100
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:10,641
He says it's Fa-jzeh
with a soft "G" or whatever.
101
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,208
-Oh, shit, it's him!
-Yeah!
102
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,644
Well, whatever happened
with that guy?
103
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,167
I haven't thought
about him in years.
104
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:16,995
You got me fired,
that's what happened!
105
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,606
You got him fired,
that's what happened.
106
00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,912
Oh, yeah!
107
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,784
Yeah.
108
00:04:22,827 --> 00:04:25,569
Oh, I think I may have
told the principal
109
00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:27,484
that he had-- he had
showed me his balls.
110
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:30,095
Ugh. I had
"shown" you my balls.
111
00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:32,315
-You did?! Oh!
-What?
112
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:33,882
-Why?
-No, no, no!
113
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,405
He made that up!
114
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,233
Look, I wasn't trying
to get him fired, okay?
115
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,409
I was just sick of him always
trying to correct my grammar
116
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,845
and motivate me
and stuff.
117
00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:42,499
Right, well, you got him
sent away to Africa.
118
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:45,415
Okay, okay, I chose
to go to Africa.
119
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,112
What, he get eaten
by a lion or something?
120
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:49,201
-Uh, no. A gorilla, actually.
-Whoa.
121
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:50,594
-Right?
-Actually,
122
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,161
it was a band
of guerilla fighters.
123
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,510
I got caught in the middle
of a political coup.
124
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:54,990
Holy shit, it was
a band of guerillas.
125
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,339
Oh, shit.
What kind of music?
126
00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:58,385
I don't know.
He did not specify.
127
00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:00,256
Wait a second.
If Mr. Faggy died in Africa,
128
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,823
-what's he doing here?
-Good question.
129
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,912
Even as the guerillas
were ripping me to shreds
130
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:07,350
and feeding me
to actual gorillas,
131
00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:09,570
all I could think about
132
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,659
-was Clyde.
-That's weird.
133
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,356
No.
134
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,315
I can't leave
135
00:05:15,358 --> 00:05:18,753
until he has lived up
to his full potential.
136
00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:21,103
Okay, I got it.
It's making sense now.
137
00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:23,540
All right, so how does
he make that happen?
138
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:26,064
By winning first place
139
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:27,675
at that.
140
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:31,243
"Sexy singles
in your area"?
141
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:33,681
-Is that a contest?
-Oh, wait.
142
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,162
Oh. Oh!
143
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:39,469
"Big Apple Idea Fair,
144
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,776
where imagination meets wonder
and blows your mind."
145
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,647
Oh, okay.
146
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,910
What-- what happens
if he doesn't win?
147
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:48,870
There will be
consequences.
148
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:52,482
-Like-- aw, shit!
-Whoa!
149
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:54,876
Wait a second,
is that a bong?
150
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:57,313
Okay, Idea Fair,
151
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:01,186
where imagination eats wonder
and blows your mind.
152
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,145
[sighs]
153
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,842
I have an idea.
154
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:09,020
What if we smoke weed
to come up
155
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,022
-with some great ideas?
-Great idea.
156
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,071
What about...
157
00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,333
lasers?
158
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,726
-Damn it!
-What?
159
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:21,293
You said lasers and I--
obviously, lasers,
160
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,817
-and I fucking forgot...
-Hey.
161
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,427
...what I was gonna say.
I'm sorry for yelling.
162
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,950
No, sorry. I'm a blurter.
I didn't mean
163
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:27,430
-to blurt that out.
-No, I just-- my bad.
164
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,953
Listen-- oh, I got it.
I have something.
165
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:31,434
What about-- fuck.
166
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,436
Oh! What about a device
167
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,960
that helps you remember ideas
that you just forgot
168
00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:38,223
-in your brain?
-Holy shit, yes!
169
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,008
-Yeah?
-Yes!
170
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,053
-So how would that work?
-I don't know.
171
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:43,707
You know,
they say that, uh--
172
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,622
that most people
get their best ideas...
173
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,189
-On the shitter?
-Close.
174
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:49,626
Whoa, what is this,
pomegranate?
175
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,280
Oh, my God!
I think I got it!
176
00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:53,064
Okay, look, even if we have
this trampoline here,
177
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,457
it still doesn't take care
of the problem.
178
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,111
I knew you were gonna say that,
so I propose
179
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:59,201
we put a second trampoline
right here.
180
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,333
Sounds like you boys
are onto something.
181
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,857
Mr. Faggy, hi.
Yeah, almost.
182
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,467
Not quite there yet.
183
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,208
Ugh, no.
184
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,211
What is this?
185
00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:10,865
The cure for cancer?
186
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:12,649
That's me,
187
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,391
uh, knocking
your reefer device
188
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,350
onto a trampoline.
189
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,440
This is just an idea
190
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,050
to avoid coming up
with an idea!
191
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,573
We're sorry,
Mr. Faggy!
192
00:07:23,617 --> 00:07:25,793
-Ideas are hard!
-It's Fa-jzeh.
193
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:28,099
-The "G" is soft.
-Fa-jzeh.
194
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,405
-Tell him we're trying.
-We're trying!
195
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,059
You're not trying!
196
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:34,062
You're smoking reefer
197
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:37,500
and showering together.
198
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:40,416
Now stop farting around!
199
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,331
[groans]
That guy!
200
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,942
Fucking...
[blows raspberry, growls]
201
00:07:44,986 --> 00:07:46,509
Did he see the trampoline
floor idea? What did he say?
202
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:49,686
Ugh, he thinks
we're smoking too much pot.
203
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,688
-[groans]
-[laughs]
204
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,516
Actually, he might--
205
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,691
he might be right
about that.
206
00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,345
-Huh?
-I mean,
207
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:58,434
ever since I started
smoking weed, all of my ideas
208
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,175
are either half-baked
or they're about weed.
209
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:02,177
Now, hang on
a second, Clyde.
210
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:03,831
It sounds to me
like you're talking
211
00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:05,963
about giving up
the weed.
212
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,443
No!
213
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,140
What? Hell no! No!
214
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,881
All I'm saying--
jeez, really?
215
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:12,448
-That's what you thought?
-Yeah.
216
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,971
-For a second I was like...
-Fuck! No, no, no.
217
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,103
-All I'm saying is...
-...this guy is not
218
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,583
who I thought he was.
219
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,888
No, what I'm saying
is that we have to find
220
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:19,020
the inventions
and ideas that I had
221
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,282
before I started smoking.
222
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:22,414
Sure, sure, sure.
Okay, so, uh...
223
00:08:22,458 --> 00:08:25,766
how do we find the ideas
from before you started...
224
00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:27,332
I wrote them all down
in a notebook.
225
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:28,856
Notebook. Okay, where do we
get the notebook?
226
00:08:30,074 --> 00:08:32,642
-Buried.
-Alive?
227
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,343
♪
228
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,346
I get it. So you just dug
a bunch of holes
229
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,870
and buried all your shit
in the park?
230
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:44,741
It's time capsules, man.
231
00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:46,351
You never know when you're gonna
need something from your past.
232
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,440
-Time capsule?
-Here. Yeah, here we go.
233
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,530
What's a time capsule?
234
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,532
Oh, my God!
Is that a Smash Mouth CD?
235
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:54,534
-[blows]
-Huh.
236
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,753
This is the wrong box.
This is from high school.
237
00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:58,886
I used to love this album
so hard.
238
00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:00,496
Come here.
239
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,063
-Can I keep this?
-Yeah.
240
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,024
Okay, so apparently,
this is from
241
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,461
your second tour
in Afghanistan.
242
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,594
-I don't remember any of this.
-Oh.
243
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,030
Okay.
244
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,121
What is this?
245
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,689
Oh, yeah.
That.
246
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:22,692
That was a letter from jail
last week when I met you.
247
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,433
Shut up.
248
00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,391
Clyde!
[laughs]
249
00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:30,613
[blows]
250
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,006
That one's not mine.
251
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:33,573
Ew!
252
00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:41,145
-What the--
-Hold on. Wait, wait.
253
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,278
What is that?
254
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:45,889
Oh, dude, that's a tiny,
little baby skull.
255
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:47,674
Oh, it's so cute.
256
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:49,371
-All right, just keep digging.
-All right.
257
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,068
You can bust
through that.
258
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:53,549
-Aha!
-Is this it?
259
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,638
-Oh, no. This is the map.
-What map?
260
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,727
The map to where
all the capsules are buried.
261
00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:00,643
Say what?
262
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,776
Here it is! Okay.
263
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:03,994
-That's it?
-For real this time.
264
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,213
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
265
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,823
And here's
my idea journal.
266
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,695
-Let's do it!
-Oh, man,
267
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,044
no wonder we didn't find it.
There used to be a tree here.
268
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,654
-Oh, shit.
-I had so many great ideas
269
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,569
back in the day.
This is a car
270
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,527
that runs on gas
and electricity.
271
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:17,747
Cool. I think that's already
a thing, though.
272
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:19,531
-Oh, yeah, of course. Um...
-Yeah.
273
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:20,924
What do you got?
274
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:22,578
This is a--
this is a phone
275
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,102
that also has a camera
and a computer inside of it.
276
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:26,756
That is one smart phone.
277
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,671
Shit, you're right.
278
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:29,716
-What?
-Uh...
279
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:30,760
That's a smart phone, man!
280
00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:33,371
Oh! This is a-- a--
281
00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:34,851
a pussy that you keep
in your pocket.
282
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:36,853
-A pocket pussy?
-Yeah.
283
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,246
-And you fuck it?
-Yeah.
284
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:39,813
Holy shit.
285
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,292
That's already a thing.
I have one.
286
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:42,946
-It is?
-Yeah.
287
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:45,079
You can order it online.
I got a few of them.
288
00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,646
-Fuck!
-What?
289
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,995
What-- okay,
what about this?
290
00:10:48,038 --> 00:10:49,474
That's just
my school yearbook.
291
00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,085
This is
a fucking yearbook?
292
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,869
Oh, my God, I've never actually
seen one of these.
293
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,089
Back in the orphanage,
they just put us in catalogues.
294
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:58,483
Why'd you cross
your photo out?
295
00:10:58,527 --> 00:10:59,615
Uh, I-- I didn't.
296
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,182
Why would you
do that, Clyde?
297
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,444
[sighs]
Let's just go, all right?
298
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,098
Wait, hold on, hold on.
What-- what?
299
00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:05,665
Who scribbled out
your yearbook photo, man?
300
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,492
You wouldn't
understand, man.
301
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:10,278
I mean, I'm sure you were
one of the cool kids.
302
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,498
Yeah, of course.
303
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:15,631
Cooler than you.
304
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:19,504
Well, not all of us
had special powers like you did.
305
00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:22,420
All I had was this bully.
306
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,728
-Brody Keller.
-Fucking grody Brody Keller.
307
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:27,338
That's exactly
what I used to call him.
308
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,992
That guy dunked my head
in the toilet so many times,
309
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,254
I got swimmer's ear.
310
00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,169
Why do you think
I started smoking weed?
311
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:33,780
'Cause you couldn't hear them
telling you not to?
312
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:35,129
Because I wanted
to be cool.
313
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:39,263
I wanted to stop getting stuffed
in my own locker.
314
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:41,701
You know, Brody left me in there
over a long weekend once.
315
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:44,225
I had to eat
my own pet snake
316
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:46,227
-just to survive.
-Ew, raw?
317
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,098
-Hey, that's it.
-What?
318
00:11:48,142 --> 00:11:50,057
That's it! That's how we're
gonna win the Idea Fair!
319
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,406
-Snake snacks?
-No!
320
00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:53,364
We need to put a stop
to bullying
321
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,323
-before it even starts.
-I like it.
322
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:58,630
We need to invent a line
of bully-proof clothing
323
00:11:58,674 --> 00:12:00,763
-and accessories!
-What the fuck, man!
324
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,982
Yes!
325
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,418
Wait, Clyde!
326
00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,333
You gotta say
break right or break left!
327
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:08,031
♪
328
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:23,525
[toilet flushes]
329
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:31,272
Ah!
330
00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:35,798
Oh.
331
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,713
♪
332
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:43,675
Yo mama is so ugly
333
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,765
that people forget
how fat she is.
334
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,158
Yeah, I can read lips.
335
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,465
-Shit, I'm sorry, man. I--
-Fucker.
336
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:54,991
[grunts]
337
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:01,563
♪
338
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:14,489
Only one thing left
to do.
339
00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:16,665
Win that Idea Fair.
340
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:18,885
No. We gotta test this out
in the field.
341
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:20,234
Oh, yeah.
342
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:26,414
[doorbell chiming
rapidly]
343
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,895
God, my heart is beating
so fast right now.
344
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:31,375
It's probab--
probably all the Adderall.
345
00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:33,116
I got it, too.
346
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,728
-Can I help you?
-Brody Keller.
347
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:39,122
Clyde Shapiro.
Let's do this.
348
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:41,037
Clyde Shapiro?
349
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:43,257
From Don Quixote
Middle School?
350
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,867
No way!
351
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,216
Hey, man!
352
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,392
-It's been a long time.
-Maybe for you.
353
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,177
What?
I don't understand.
354
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,743
Hasn't it been the same amount
of time for both of you?
355
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,833
-I was trying to be mouthy.
-Oh, fuck. Okay.
356
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,487
-Brody, dinner!
-Yeah, coming!
357
00:13:56,531 --> 00:13:59,447
Sorry, guys. Just about to
sit down to dinner with the fam.
358
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:01,275
Oh, hey,
you two wanna join?
359
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:02,363
-Yeah, sure.
-What?
360
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,538
-No, wait.
-What, no!
361
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:05,105
Don't you wanna
give me a noogie
362
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:07,890
or tell me my mom has AIDS
and I caught it from her
363
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,631
when I was coming out
of her vagina
364
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:11,415
and now it's only
a matter of time before I die?
365
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,374
[sighs]
Jeez, man.
366
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,854
I was pretty awful, huh?
367
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,377
Regularly.
368
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,292
You know,
I was just a lost kid.
369
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:19,902
I was just trying
to gain some control
370
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,425
by keeping you down.
371
00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:23,471
So you have no desire
to bully me right now?
372
00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:24,907
No, I'm a changed man,
Clyde.
373
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,778
I'm a father now.
374
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:29,085
I'm married.
I work with autistic kids.
375
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:32,915
Okay, so you have no urge
to, say, I don't know,
376
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,265
punch Clyde
right in his big, dumb face?
377
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,093
None whatsoever.
378
00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,616
-Just a tap on the chin?
-Nah.
379
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,227
Dude, it would really
help us out right now.
380
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:41,881
Nah, I just, you know--
sorry, guys.
381
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:43,491
I-- I can't.
382
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,449
All right.
383
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,190
-Okay.
-Thanks, asshole.
384
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,410
Shitballs.
385
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,629
What do we do now?
386
00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:53,805
Hey, girls,
I know what we could do now.
387
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:55,546
[groaning]
388
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:58,462
-Oh, that's familiar.
-Ah!
389
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:00,203
[groaning]
Oh, shit.
390
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:04,120
-Oh, the anus.
-Oh, so exposed.
391
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,037
The anus.
392
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,866
All right.
393
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:15,784
Okay, you ready?
394
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:17,481
I'm ready.
395
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:19,222
[screaming]
396
00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:20,484
-Oh!
-Did it hurt?
397
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,965
No, it was, uh--
398
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,706
it was refreshing.
399
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,316
Pac,
400
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,536
we're literally sitting
on a million-dollar idea.
401
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:29,972
[grunts]
402
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,409
-Oh, it was refreshing!
-Right?
403
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:33,845
Yeah.
404
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,674
-Oh, it smells like money.
-Yeah, right?
405
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:40,548
♪
406
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,263
Good morrow, milady.
407
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,744
We are here
to win the pres--
408
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:05,355
prestigious Big Apple
Idea Fair.
409
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:07,923
Ooh, I like
your enthusiasm!
410
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,534
Believe me, enthusiasm
has nothing to do with it.
411
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:12,275
Except for when
we came up with the idea.
412
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:14,190
-Obviously.
-Okay, well, I will be happy
413
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,192
to sign you in.
Where is your child?
414
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:18,107
[children playing]
415
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,022
My what?
416
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,806
Your child.
417
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,201
[children continue playing]
418
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:31,033
Oh, you mean
one of these?
419
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,952
♪
420
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,693
This is-- this-- ugh!
421
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:40,695
Where in the fart
are we gonna find a kid
422
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,044
on such short notice?
423
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,090
Pac, even if we had
ample notice,
424
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,395
it would still be
a whole thing.
425
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:46,744
Yeah, all right.
426
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,311
What-- all right,
spitballing here.
427
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:49,878
What about this--
we lift a kid from the street.
428
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,923
We gotta
keep this professional.
429
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,490
-Okay?
-Yes. Yeah.
430
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,188
Professional.
Agreed.
431
00:16:55,231 --> 00:16:58,060
-What do you have in mind?
-Craigslist. Let's go.
432
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,714
Yeah.
433
00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,759
Okay, Craigslist.
Here we go.
434
00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:04,414
Wedgie-proof underwear
inventeurs
435
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:05,850
-looking for--
-Wait, hold on.
436
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,678
Pac, this is
a multimillion-dollar idea.
437
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,941
We can't just put this online
for some schmuck to steal.
438
00:17:09,985 --> 00:17:12,422
-Oh, fuck. You're right.
-We have to be very specific
439
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,815
-about how we word this, right?
-[clears throat]
440
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:15,077
-Just the basics.
-Okay, here we go.
441
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:17,645
-Try again.
-Uh, how about
442
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:20,604
"men seeking boy
for underwear experiment"?
443
00:17:20,648 --> 00:17:21,823
-Perfect.
-Right?
444
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:23,303
Yeah.
445
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,914
-[mouse clicks]
-And there it goes.
446
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,829
Okay.
447
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,354
-[exhales]
-Hey, Clyde, uh...
448
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:32,834
you remember earlier
449
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:34,401
when you were telling me
about getting bullied
450
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:36,098
and you assumed that I was
one of the cool kids?
451
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,447
-Yeah.
-[computer chimes]
452
00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:39,275
You were right!
Look, there's an email.
453
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:43,062
Look at that.
His name is Dustin.
454
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:45,412
I like him already.
He loves "pizzah."
455
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,370
-So do I.
-Amazing.
456
00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:48,676
I'm gonna see
if he can meet right now.
457
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,156
Sweet, good idea.
458
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:52,723
[email whooshes]
459
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:55,552
-Done.
-Phew!
460
00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:57,728
-[computer chimes]
-Whoa.
461
00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:58,903
He's in!
462
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:00,557
And such a fast emailer.
463
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,385
-Wow!
-[knocking on door]
464
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,213
Hey, fellas,
come on in!
465
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:06,781
Okay. Actually, man,
we should probably get going
466
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,130
if we're gonna make it
to the fair in time.
467
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:09,610
No problemo.
468
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,177
I just gotta feed
my hamster upstairs first.
469
00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:12,787
Make yourselves comfy.
470
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:15,398
-Yeah. Oh.
-Oh, that is springy.
471
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,661
-Hey, he's cute, right?
-Yeah, he's super cute.
472
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,141
-Yeah.
-I didn't expect that.
473
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:21,012
-Yeah.
-He's really well-mannered, too.
474
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:22,797
He is. I like that he's going up
to feed his hamster.
475
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,929
-It shows responsibility.
-That is true.
476
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,540
Yeah.
You know what?
477
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,368
I think we kind of
hit the jackpot here.
478
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:29,804
-Yep.
-Cha-ching!
479
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:31,980
Right? I'm excited!
480
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:33,851
-[grunts]
-Hello, gentlemen.
481
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:36,289
-Sir.
-Oh, herro!
482
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,551
Do you know who I am?
483
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:38,943
Uh, I presume
Dustin's dad.
484
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:41,468
-Try again.
-Dustin's grandfather?
485
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,513
My name
is Chris Andersen.
486
00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:47,256
I'm the host of the show
"America's Dumbest Predators."
487
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:51,565
[singing theme song]
488
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:56,352
No?
489
00:18:56,396 --> 00:18:58,789
Pac, this guy's
creeping me out.
490
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,878
Do you know
how old Dustin is?
491
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:03,751
Uh, yeah, nosey.
492
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:06,188
-He's 12, I think.
-He's actually 11.
493
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:07,537
-Sweet.
-You know that makes
494
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:08,625
what you're doing here
illegal?
495
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,192
Uh, no.
We were told
496
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,976
that any child up to
and including the age of 12
497
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,456
-was totally fine.
-Fair game.
498
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,371
Soliciting sex
from a minor?
499
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:16,851
That's not
what's going on here!
500
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:19,027
Sex?! What?! No!
501
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,203
We just-- listen.
We just needed to get this kid
502
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:22,552
to come back down
to the city with us
503
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:23,858
so we can test out
a pair of underwear
504
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,990
that rips off
of his body easily.
505
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,079
Okay, I'm hearing
how that sounds now.
506
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,820
I have here
your email exchange
507
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,735
-with young Dustin.
-Good. Proof.
508
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:33,520
Here you ask him,
509
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:35,913
"Are you cute in a way that
adults would find appealing?"
510
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:38,046
Yeah, because the judges
of the competition--
511
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:41,963
Here you ask,
"Do you have good oral skills?"
512
00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:43,312
Well, yeah.
One of the categories
513
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:44,922
-includes an oral presentation.
-Yeah.
514
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:48,796
And here you ask,
"Dustin, if we go all the way,
515
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:51,668
could you fit the two of us
into your mouth?"
516
00:19:51,712 --> 00:19:54,280
Yeah, becau-- wait.
What?
517
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,846
Let me see that.
518
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,764
Oh, that was meant
to say,
519
00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:02,679
"Could you fit the two of us
into your month?"
520
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,507
Your month meaning that if we
actually win the Idea Fair,
521
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:06,379
it'll probably be, like, a month
of meeting with investors.
522
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,642
Hey, Clyde? I think we should
make a run for it.
523
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:10,470
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
524
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,690
-Oh!
-Oh, no, no!
525
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:15,605
Okay. All right,
I'm going!
526
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:17,564
I'm gonna-- ow, ow!
527
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,435
Why does Clyde
get to stand up?
528
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,437
Ah, okay, all right.
529
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:24,440
-[laughing]
-Oh, God!
530
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:26,181
I got ya,
531
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,139
you lying motherfucker!
532
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:31,534
How does it feel
to be accused of pedophilia
533
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,319
on national TV?
534
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:36,191
You human sack of shit!
535
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,888
Hey, Clyde!
536
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:40,369
Now you really can say
537
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:43,285
I've shown you my balls!
538
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:45,896
[screams]
539
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,943
Technically, Clyde can't
see those, Mr. Fa--
540
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:53,426
-Oh, never mind.
-What?
541
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:54,949
I'll tell you later.
542
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:56,559
Okay, let's get up.
543
00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,518
[grunts]
544
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,563
[groans]
545
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:08,397
You're going away
for a long time, slutboy.
546
00:21:08,441 --> 00:21:12,009
♪
547
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:14,447
Dude, we are so lucky
we're not in prison right now.
548
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:15,709
Yeah, I know.
549
00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:18,146
Buying ChrisAndersen.com
eight years ago
550
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:19,626
was the smartest thing
I've ever done.
551
00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:22,193
-Yeah.
-Well, second smartest thing.
552
00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:23,847
What? What are you
talking about?
553
00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:26,154
I think I finally cracked
the trillion-dollar idea.
554
00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:28,635
Oh, yeah, man,
maybe we should just drop
555
00:21:28,678 --> 00:21:31,028
the whole wedgie-proof
underwear thing.
556
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:32,334
I'm not talking about
wedgie-proof underwear.
557
00:21:32,378 --> 00:21:34,336
I'm talking about this.
558
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,949
What do you say,
partner?
559
00:21:38,993 --> 00:21:42,039
Wanna go into
unfinished business with me?
560
00:21:42,083 --> 00:21:45,739
♪
561
00:21:45,782 --> 00:21:48,481
-Come here, man!
-Aw! [chuckles]
562
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,570
[grunts]
563
00:21:50,613 --> 00:21:52,267
How about we hit
that two-man bong?
564
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,356
-I thought you'd never ask.
-Yes!
565
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,532
♪
566
00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,366
♪
39063
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