All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional) Download
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,682 (children shouting in distance) 2 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:25,985 MIDGE: Morning. I'm so happy 3 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,445 you agreed to stay here while my parents are gone. 4 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,029 I really believe if Harry Drake's goons 5 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,948 can't find you, they may just forget about you. 6 00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,908 Anyhow, some rules you need to follow. 7 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,161 Rule number one: no eating in the living room. 8 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,496 Rule number two: touch nothing pink. 9 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,831 Rule number three... 10 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,751 Rule number 38: do not touch Papa's robe. 11 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,504 (sighs) 12 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,306 (water running) 13 00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:02,146 (playing classical music) 14 00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:09,862 (repeats phrase) 15 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,448 (playing single note repeatedly) 16 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:14,617 (pitch adjusting) 17 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,247 REDD FOXX: In the third place, ain't nobody can eat 18 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:23,334 -that much ice cream. -(laughs) 19 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,377 (crying) 20 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,139 (indistinct chatter over TV) 21 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,853 Shit. 22 00:01:56,367 --> 00:02:00,454 Eighteen and a half. 23 00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,332 Such a tiny fucking thigh. 24 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,084 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 25 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,919 -I will connect you. -Hey. 26 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:09,338 -Oh, do you read? -Occasionally. 27 00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,006 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 28 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,800 -I will connect you. -So, I'm looking through 29 00:02:12,842 --> 00:02:14,718 the Village Voice, just perusing the headlines, 30 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,095 and look what I see. 31 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,596 Well, you need to turn it toward me 32 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,098 -so I can... -"Susie Myerson, the manager 33 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,809 "of the underground phenom comedienne Mrs. Maisel, 34 00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:24,019 says she's gonna be bigger than Totie Fields." 35 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,855 -Wait, what are you read... Ah, shoot. -(gasps) 36 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,189 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 37 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,816 Isn't that crazy? Mrs. Maisel? 38 00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:31,026 -I mean, you're Mrs. Maisel. -Hold, please. 39 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,445 -Can I...? -This comedian has the same name as you. 40 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,115 B. Altman. Where... Oh, sorry. I thought I did. 41 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,158 -I will connect you. -The world is so small. 42 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,452 I feel like I should be able to subway to China. 43 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,080 -Do you know her? -I don't think so. 44 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:44,748 -Is there a picture? -No picture. 45 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,625 You could be related. She could be your cousin. 46 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,628 Or your mother. Is your mother a comedienne? 47 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,755 -(laughs): Wouldn't that be a scandal? -Hmm. 48 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:54,258 Oops. I guess all those flashing lights are for me. 49 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,010 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 50 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:58,053 -Ginger! -Here. 51 00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,638 I will connect you. 52 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,307 GINGER: B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 53 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,058 I will connect you. 54 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,436 -(door closes) -Zelda? 55 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,938 -(footfalls approaching) -I ate the strudel, and it was awesome. 56 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,608 Who are you? 57 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,984 -I... -What are you doing here? 58 00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:13,444 -I... -Why are you in the bathtub? 59 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,820 Wait, I know this one. 60 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,113 I don't know you. You don't live here. 61 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,406 -Are you a burglar? -Uh... 62 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:18,782 Did you break in here to steal jewelry 63 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,534 and then decide it would be funny to take a bath? 64 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:23,037 You look like Zelda but younger. Are you Zelda but younger? 65 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372 No, I'm not. I'm an actual friend 66 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,541 of the people who live here, and I am going to call the cops 67 00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,501 if you don't tell me who you are and what you are doing 68 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,587 -in this apartment. -I know... 69 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:35,215 the short... brunette... 70 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,759 Midge? You're a friend of Midge? 71 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,886 I know all her friends, and I have never seen you before ever. 72 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,220 Where do you know Midge from? Where? 73 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,722 -The club. -What club? 74 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:42,932 -The... -Do not mumble. 75 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,224 The Gaslight. 76 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,894 The downtown dumpy, sticky place? 77 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,355 That still does not explain why you are here in that bathtub, 78 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,814 which is way too full of bubbles, by the way. 79 00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,232 You don't need to use the entire bottle. 80 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:53,692 That's just overkill! 81 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,235 I'm sorry. I'm having a little trouble 82 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,528 focusing here right now. 83 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,948 (chuckles): I'm very high, 84 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,033 and there's just a lot of words 85 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,327 coming from a little, yellow light source, 86 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,621 -and it's freaking me out. -(door closes) 87 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:07,873 It feels like a flower's yelling at me. 88 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,375 IMOGENE: Midge. 89 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,627 -Thank God. -Imogene, what are you doing here? 90 00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:13,212 Who is this thing in your bathtub? 91 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,047 Oh, th-that's, uh... 92 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:17,341 Why don't we go in the kitchen? I'll explain everything. 93 00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,926 You stay there. 94 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,679 Where the fuck am I gonna go? 95 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,222 -What are you doing here? -What am I doing here? 96 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,598 -What am I doing here? -I just mean... 97 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,141 I came to talk to you, and I found that 98 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,851 sitting in the tub like a big potato in a soup pot. 99 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,144 Her name is Susie, 100 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,854 and her apartment is getting fumigated. 101 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,815 She says she knows you from the club. 102 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,566 Yes. When Joel would play there. 103 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,276 Uh, maybe we could talk about this later. 104 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,153 I haven't heard word one from you in weeks, 105 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,571 and now you're trying to get me to leave? 106 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,740 You were in Iowa for the holidays. 107 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,784 Joel quit his job. Did you know that? 108 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:45,869 -What? -Right in the middle of their big presentation. 109 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038 He just walked in with all the top brass sitting there 110 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,332 and the fancy chart that I helped Archie make, and he quit. 111 00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:52,042 -Oh. -Why didn't you call to warn me? 112 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,711 Well, you were in Iowa. 113 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,587 Stop using Iowa as an excuse for everything. 114 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,923 My family may be dairy farmers, but they have a phone. 115 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,883 I didn't know that he was going to quit. 116 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:00,926 How could you not know? I thought 117 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,011 you were getting back together. 118 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,429 Who told you we were getting back together? 119 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,805 -Archie. -Who told Archie? 120 00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,473 -Joel. -Oh. 121 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,268 Well, I-I've been in Paris, so I'm a little behind. 122 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,354 -Paris? You were in Paris? -Yes. 123 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,356 Why didn't you tell me you were going to Paris? 124 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:16,817 -When did we stop being friends? -We're friends, Imogene. 125 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,444 If we were friends, I would be the one 126 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,529 -taking a bath in your tub. -You have a tub. 127 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,031 The point is I don't know anything anymore. 128 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,615 -I don't know you anymore. -You do. 129 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,325 You were in Paris. That's in France. 130 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,077 You didn't tell me you were getting back together with Joel. 131 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,038 -Archie did. -I didn't get back together with... 132 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,290 It doesn't matter if it's true. You should've told me. 133 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,875 Just like you should've told me that Joel was going to quit. 134 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,334 -I didn't... -What am I supposed to do now? 135 00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:36,295 With Joel gone, Archie's a sitting duck. 136 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,796 He was Joel's right-hand man. 137 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,506 What if they retaliate for what Joel did? 138 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,924 They're not the mob, Imogene. 139 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,134 I'm sorry I've been distant. 140 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,594 And I am sorry about Joel. 141 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:46,263 And believe me, Archie is going to be okay. 142 00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,599 -How do you know? -I'm brilliant. 143 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,142 Look, I should get back to Susie, 144 00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,061 but I will see you tomorrow in exercise class? 145 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,687 -You're coming? -I'm coming. 146 00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,439 -You haven't been in weeks. -I'll be there tomorrow. 147 00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:56,732 I was alone in the front. 148 00:05:56,774 --> 00:05:58,108 I had no one to feel superior with. 149 00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,027 -Alone I just felt like a snob. -Tomorrow. 150 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,654 -I promise. -Okay. 151 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,825 And by the way, it looks like your new friend 152 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,285 used Rose's pink soap. 153 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,746 No one uses Rose's pink soap. 154 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,922 Enjoying your bath? 155 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,507 Immensely. 156 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,258 Just laying here, soaking. 157 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,928 My brain's gone bye-bye. Everything was perfect 158 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,138 until the vanilla muffin waltzed in here 159 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,057 -and killed my buzz. -What did you tell her? 160 00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:31,809 -Who? -The muffin. 161 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,143 Oh. I don't know. 162 00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:34,895 -You mentioned the Gaslight. -No. 163 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,563 I'm pretty sure I didn't mention the Gaslight. 164 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:37,689 You definitely mentioned the Gaslight 165 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,108 because she mentioned the Gaslight. 166 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,068 -She did? -I have to know what you're saying. 167 00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:42,694 To my friends. To the press. 168 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,446 I know about that interview you gave to the Village Voice. 169 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,532 You didn't even ask me about it before you did it. 170 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,575 You just went ahead and-- Do not add more hot water. 171 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,369 -So bossy. -Get out of the tub. 172 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,578 What? Why? 173 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,580 Because I need to talk to you. 174 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,374 Fine. 175 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,043 -Well, go wait in the hall. -Why? 176 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,920 What do you mean, why? I've measured myself. 177 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,214 There's no way I'm gonna be fucking naked in front of you. 178 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,471 You can't just go around talking to the press without telling me. 179 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,266 Susie, that paper was just sitting there. At my work. 180 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,394 If Ginger wasn't so Ginger, she would've figured it out. 181 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,479 -What? -You have to tell me 182 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,274 -what you're saying about me before you say it. -Why? 183 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,401 -What do you mean, why? -I am your manager. 184 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,486 It is literally my job to talk about you. 185 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,823 Yes. To club owners, to bookers at the Stage Deli. 186 00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:29,700 But this was in print. Anyone could read it. 187 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,285 Thank God there wasn't a picture. 188 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,911 Ooh, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. 189 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,122 -We got to take some pictures. -No. 190 00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:37,040 Look, press is part of the game, lady. 191 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,709 You want to know what that little paragraph 192 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,961 -in the paper got us? -What? 193 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:43,255 A gig. A real gig. 194 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,382 A paying gig. No passing the hat. 195 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,092 A club with booze and everything. 196 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,886 Midtown? A midtown gig? 197 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,555 -Almost. 15th Street. -Wow. 198 00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:53,682 -Midway to midtown. -That's right. 199 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:55,434 We are midway to midtown. Isn't it great? 200 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,686 It is. But, Susie, promise, just check with me 201 00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,354 before you give any more interviews, please. 202 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,107 -Why? -Because I haven't told anyone yet. 203 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,984 What do you mean you haven't told anyone yet? 204 00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,652 Your fucking husband was standing right there. 205 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,280 I know, but I haven't told my friends or my parents. 206 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,615 How have you not told your parents? 207 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,991 Don't you live with these people? 208 00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,409 Where do they think you go every night? 209 00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,077 -Out. -Every night? 210 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,996 -I'm very popular. -Okay. 211 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,372 I mean this with all due respect. 212 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,582 Your parents are fucking idiots. 213 00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,000 -I'm gonna tell them. -When? 214 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,669 -Soon. -What are you waiting for? 215 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,296 I thought you made this decision already. 216 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,006 -I thought you wanted to go for it. -I do. 217 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,091 This is bullshit. 218 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,427 Aw, Zelda made me a sandwich. 219 00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,887 That's sweet. 220 00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,222 Do you want to be successful? 221 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,681 Of course I want to be successful. 222 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,558 Being successful means that people come to see you, 223 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,185 and when people come to see you, you become-- 224 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,645 what they call in the biz-- famous. 225 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,688 -Yeah. I know. -Most people who go on stage 226 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,106 want to be famous 'cause it means 227 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,441 they get to play better theaters. 228 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,485 They get better gigs. They go on TV. 229 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,487 They go to Morocco with Bob and Bing. 230 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,489 And here's the best part: they give you more money. 231 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,783 Now, that's actually the part that I find the most appealing. 232 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,284 Money is my main goal. 233 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,078 I don't have any, and I'd like some. 234 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,580 I want to be famous. I want money. 235 00:08:58,622 --> 00:09:00,999 I want to go to Morocco with Bob and Bing. 236 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,751 And I am gonna tell my parents. 237 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,795 They're just... they're not here right now, 238 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,838 and it's not news I'd like to break long-distance. 239 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,298 So when they come home. 240 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,050 When they come home, I come clean. 241 00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:12,344 -And when's that gonna be? -I don't know. 242 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:15,889 I swear. I have no idea when my parents are coming back. 243 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,898 You believe i-in fairy tales. 244 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,317 I do not believe in fairy tales. I'm a man of science. 245 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,820 The Bible serves its purpose. 246 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,990 It is basically a moral set of rules. 247 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:34,199 A-a road map. 248 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,575 Men are not able 249 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:38,620 to determine right or wrong without a road map. 250 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,292 (overlapping chatter in Russian) 251 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,754 -Let me guess. Freud? -Better. The Bible. (laughs) 252 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,632 -Oh, dear. We'll meet for lunch? -See you there. 253 00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:51,925 Au revoir, messieurs. 254 00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,385 -Au revoir. -Au revoir. 255 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:57,180 Abe, your wife is very, very attractive. 256 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,599 -Elle est très belle. -You lucky man. 257 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,226 The luckiest. 258 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,020 So, where were we? 259 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,855 Oh, yes, Sergei's an idiot. 260 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,898 (laughter) 261 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,942 (overlapping chatter in Russian) 262 00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:39,950 ("Coin de rue" by Juliette Gréco playing) 263 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:56,258 We spent two hours debating moral nihilism 264 00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:59,386 versus mereological or compositional nihilism. 265 00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,638 At least, I think that's what we were debating. 266 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,140 I can't be sure. 267 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:05,475 Either way, it's nihilism, so who cares? 268 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,686 Anyhow, whatever it was, 269 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,688 it got Sergei all steamed up. 270 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,523 He started arguing with Thierry. 271 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:14,025 Or Rolf. I don't know. It was someone to the left of me. 272 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,611 And the next thing I know, Thierry is crying, 273 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,697 Rolf is singing Brecht, and I'm decrying 274 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,866 America's national cynicism. 275 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,368 And no one would let the other person pay the bill. 276 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,288 It was just a terrific, terrific day. 277 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,248 -Proost. -Proost. 278 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,750 Today my class went to the Rodin Museum. 279 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,878 Rodin, aha. 280 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,046 It's in this glorious building that was his studio 281 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,966 and sort of artists' flophouse at the same time. 282 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,968 It's a museum now. I tell you, Abe, 283 00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,720 it took my breath away. 284 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,307 The hands on his sculptures, they're so powerful. 285 00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,392 -Massive. -Hands are great. 286 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,311 -What is this? -What does it taste like? 287 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:52,272 -Rodin loves big hands. Go on. -I can't imagine 288 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,065 how he did it, how he would look at nothing, 289 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,194 a block of marble, and see what he saw. 290 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,612 I'd love to show it to you. 291 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:01,448 -Absolutely. Is it fish? -Does it taste like fish? 292 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,783 I can't wait to see Rodin's hands. 293 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,537 What do you think, Simone? 294 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,582 What did Mommy make? 295 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,626 ("Coin de rue" continues playing) 296 00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:24,888 -Bonne nuit, mon amour. -Bonne nuit, mon amour. 297 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:28,391 -You're a wonderful man. -You're a terrible cook. 298 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,354 ("Artificial Flowers" by Bobby Darin playing) 299 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,859 ♪ Alone in the world ♪ 300 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:41,154 ♪ Was poor little Anne ♪ 301 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:45,742 ♪ As sweet a young child as you'd find ♪ 302 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,411 ♪ Her parents had gone ♪ 303 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,248 ♪ To their final reward... ♪ 304 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,291 (pressing machine clanking) 305 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,295 -Try it again, Tony. -Back on. 306 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,839 -(machine sputters) -Okay, turn it off. 307 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,425 -How long has this thing been out? -Four or five days? 308 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,052 Why haven't you gotten it fixed? 309 00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,804 Jankel, the guy who comes and fixes the machines, 310 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,305 -he only comes on Fridays. -Why? 311 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,848 I don't know. It's only Fridays. 312 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,475 Before 1:00. That's when he goes to temple. 313 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,519 Only on Fridays. Okay. 314 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,147 -Try it again, Tony. -Back on. 315 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,399 (machine whirring) 316 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,819 Well, it's not Gershwin, but it's moving. 317 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,737 You need a new repairman. 318 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,990 Jankel will be here Friday before 1:00. 319 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,825 You need a repairman who comes when things break. 320 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,493 -You can't run things like this. -I can't? 321 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,911 I've only been doing it for 30 years. 322 00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,162 What the hell do I know? 323 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,831 You're right. Jankel's gone. 324 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,000 You run a factory. You need machines that work. 325 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,419 Ah, should I have him killed? Firing may not be enough. 326 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,171 He comes one day a week. Not even a full day. 327 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,173 -He leaves at 1:00. -He should skip temple? 328 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,176 You want the man who fixes our machines to make God angry? 329 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,429 -How does that end well for us? -You're getting a new repairman. 330 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,264 No, we're not. And what the fuck did you put 331 00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:51,433 -a coffee machine in for? -People need a coffee break. 332 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,435 The whole place is lining up for free coffee. 333 00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:56,021 -Nobody's working. -Yes, it's a graveyard. 334 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,689 What are you doing here, anyway, huh? 335 00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,691 You were supposed to come by for a day, look around, 336 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,526 say hi to everyone, see how things are. 337 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,944 That was two weeks ago. 338 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,529 There's a lot of people to say hi to. 339 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,282 Plus, I hear there's free coffee now. 340 00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,701 Manny, not sure you should be smoking there. 341 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,494 I'm by a trash can. 342 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,496 Lots of chemicals and solvents all over the place. 343 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,457 You remember the Triangle Shirtwaist fire? 344 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:16,458 Like it was yesterday. 345 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,877 Get back to work, Manny. 346 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,379 That's the fourth cigarette break he's taken this morning. 347 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,798 So what? You're so hot for people taking breaks. 348 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,800 People who work. I've never seen him work. 349 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,969 -What does Manny do? -What does he do? Manny does. 350 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,971 That's what Manny does. Manny does. 351 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,640 Frieda, honey, you've been sitting there 352 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:32,891 for four straight hours. 353 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,142 Get up. Take a break. 354 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,727 You're not chained to the table. 355 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,729 -Are you? -She's not chained to the table. 356 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:39,606 Go have some coffee. 357 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,275 Oh, look at her go. 358 00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,027 -Jesse Owens. -Pop. 359 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,780 What? It'll take her an hour to walk across the room 360 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,281 and an hour to get back. 361 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,866 That's half of her remaining life span. 362 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,202 -Moishe, she won't let me in. -What? 363 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,204 -Come. Come, come, come, come. -Where we going? 364 00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,830 -Look, look, I'm locked out. -What's happening? 365 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,332 -Where's he going? Hey. -Go, go. Get him, get him. 366 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:58,583 -Hey, hey. Get back here. -Come back here. 367 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,336 -Do not close the... -(lock clicks) 368 00:16:01,378 --> 00:16:03,421 Let me guess, it's worse than I thought. 369 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,256 -Oh, much, much worse. -Terrific. 370 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,842 None of these numbers add up. A-And this writing. 371 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,427 At first, I thought it was in Hebrew, 372 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,763 but then I realized parts are in Yiddish. 373 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,515 -(knocking) -And this is ancient Aramaic, 374 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,600 which has been a dead language for 2,000 years. 375 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,936 (stammers) Can you figure out any of the money? 376 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,772 -The figures? -I think it's a numerical system 377 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:22,774 -that has eliminated the number six. -(keys jingle) 378 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,401 -What? -(lock clicks) 379 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,695 Coming in, schmuck. You lock me out of my own office? 380 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,613 What is she doing with my book? 381 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,573 You think I don't have a key to my own office? 382 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,742 -These books don't make sense. -SHIRLEY: Of course they do. 383 00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,161 -What do you want to know? -Well, everything would be nice. 384 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:36,913 This column is the money we have. 385 00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,832 This column is the money we will have 386 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,750 as soon as these people from this column 387 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,085 or that column pay us. 388 00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,670 Unless it has a bagel stamp, 389 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,004 which means it's still being negotiated 390 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:47,590 but we started the work anyway in case it works out. 391 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,008 Three flags, that means the check cleared. 392 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,593 Two flowers, that means a half and half. 393 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,762 -A half and half? -Half check, half cash. 394 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,389 Or half cash, half services. 395 00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,975 Or half... something and half something else. 396 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,436 -You have Kaufman and Hart write this bit? -Uh, can I 397 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,856 just ask you-- um, there is a Sunny spelled with a "U" 398 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,608 and a Sonny with an "O" and another with an I-E. 399 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,277 Is that the same Sonny? 400 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,279 Of course it's the same Sonny. 401 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,781 It's Sonny. Sonny from Queens. 402 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:14,534 -Pop, you need an accountant. -What are you talking about, accountant? 403 00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,953 This is a foolproof system that I invented myself. 404 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,288 Completely secure. 405 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,123 Only I can understand it. 406 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,332 I don't know. 407 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,293 I'll have you know that we got audited once. 408 00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,961 And when the guy took one look at this book, 409 00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,671 we never saw him again. 410 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,840 I paid him off. That's why we never saw him again. 411 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,258 -Pop, this is crazy. -Okay. 412 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,594 Enough. You came, you saw. 413 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,929 Thank you for letting me know that everything I do is wrong 414 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,890 and your mother's accounting system is a piece of shit. 415 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,141 It really is a piece of shit. 416 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,976 I'm serious. You and you, out. 417 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,228 Well, all right. But before we leave, 418 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,481 I found this book 419 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,483 in a secret hiding place in the wall. 420 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,735 No! Put that back. You should not be looking through that. 421 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,737 This is the special loans book. 422 00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,739 -Special loans book? -What? -SHIRLEY: That's personal. 423 00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,616 Don't tell me you're borrowing money from those guys. 424 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,576 -Once in a while. -I can't believe this. 425 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,578 You see yourself-- the machines break down. 426 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,497 Those machines are expensive. 427 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,749 How else are we supposed to get that kind of cash? 428 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,834 -From a bank? -What are you, a big shot? 429 00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:07,253 Banks don't break your legs or throw you in a river. 430 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,506 I'm seeing amounts here. I'm seeing names. 431 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,050 But I'm not seeing any dates for when the loans are due. 432 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,927 Oh, well, we know when the loans are due. 433 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,012 A couple of guys break in in the middle of the night. 434 00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,014 They bust up some chairs and windows. 435 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,933 And that's when we know the loan is due. 436 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,976 -Shirley, stop helping me. -What? 437 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,978 -What did I do wrong? -Nothing, Ma. Relax. 438 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,941 Why don't you go get yourself a cup of coffee. 439 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,108 There's a machine out there now. 440 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,193 There's a coffee machine? 441 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,487 Oh, what a wonderful idea! 442 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,490 Go home. 443 00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,450 You know what, Pop, I'm not going home. 444 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,868 I'm staying. 445 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,328 I'm gonna go through those cockamamie books, 446 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:42,205 and I'm gonna get things in shape around here. 447 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,750 I'm gonna start by firing the low-hanging fruit like Manny. 448 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,086 -Manny's not a fruit. He came to your bar mitzvah. -He's gone. 449 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,921 I'm firing him today. Along with Pete, 450 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,422 who's in the storage room playing cards 451 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,757 with two other guys that I don't know. 452 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:53,842 They're fired, too. 453 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,094 Every single freeloader around here, gone. 454 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,762 I'm getting them off the payroll. 455 00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,931 I'm gonna find a fucking seven-day-a-week repairman. 456 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:02,517 And once I know this place isn't being run like a mental asylum, 457 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,811 then I'll go home. 458 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,650 SHIRLEY: Oh, this coffee is delicious! 459 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,498 She's got to work on these notes. 460 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,584 Here comes one, with Andy Griffith bringing it in. 461 00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,085 -Andy Griffith! -(cheers and applause) 462 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:33,089 Howdy, Steve. Well... 463 00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,841 STEVE: Who's next for you? 464 00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,886 ANDY: I've got one here, Steve, from last July, 465 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,306 where they sent up two mice in a space rocket, 466 00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:42,974 and they-they lost them both. 467 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,225 I heard about that. It's too bad. 468 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,602 How do they plan to find them again? 469 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,353 Well, they got it figured out, Steve. 470 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,813 They figure they're gonna launch a cat. 471 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,273 -A cat. Uh-huh. -(laughs): Yeah. 472 00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:52,567 Thank you, Andy. He'll be back in a little bit. 473 00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,986 And now, here come the McGuire Sisters. 474 00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,446 (cheers and applause) 475 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,077 Night, Susie. 476 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,039 Night, Ethan. 477 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,708 Look. Should we get it for Sergei? 478 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,877 Oh, God, no. 479 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:13,796 -To the market? -To the market. 480 00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,257 ABE: I do love our Thursdays. 481 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,301 ♪ ♪ 482 00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,849 FRANK SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for moonlight? ♪ 483 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,059 (bell dings) 484 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,354 ♪ How are ya fixed for stars? ♪ 485 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,066 KEELY SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for kissing ♪ 486 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:37,362 ♪ While we listen to soft guitars? ♪ 487 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,948 SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪ 488 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,824 ♪ To watch the rain with? ♪ 489 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:46,955 SMITH: ♪ To stroll down the lane with? ♪ 490 00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,083 SINATRA: ♪ For someone to just go ♪ 491 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:52,168 ♪ A little insane with? ♪ 492 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:55,672 SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for memories? ♪ 493 00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:59,342 ♪ Memories that shine so bright? ♪ 494 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:02,178 SINATRA: ♪ If we let fancy take us ♪ 495 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,807 ♪ We could make us a few tonight ♪ 496 00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:09,143 SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪ 497 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:13,356 ♪ Who'll fit your arms like a glove? ♪ 498 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:16,317 BOTH: ♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪ 499 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:19,070 ♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪ 500 00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:23,533 ♪ ♪ 501 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,666 SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for kissin' ♪ 502 00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:36,379 ♪ While we dig those wild guitars? ♪ 503 00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:38,506 ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪ 504 00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:42,927 ♪ Who'll fit your arms like a glove? ♪ 505 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,263 BOTH: ♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪ 506 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,181 ♪ How are ya fixed for ♪ 507 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,891 ♪ Tell me, baby ♪ 508 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:53,521 ♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪ 509 00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:03,448 ("What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong playing) 510 00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:08,077 ♪ I see trees of green ♪ 511 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,539 ♪ Red roses, too ♪ 512 00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:14,751 ♪ I see them bloom ♪ 513 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,086 ♪ For me and you ♪ 514 00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:22,300 ♪ And I think to myself ♪ 515 00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:26,262 ♪ What a wonderful world ♪ 516 00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:31,309 ♪ Yes ♪ 517 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:36,189 ♪ I think to myself ♪ 518 00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:40,943 ♪ What a wonderful world ♪ 519 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:50,870 ♪ Ooh, yeah. ♪ 520 00:22:50,912 --> 00:22:54,332 (ringing) 521 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,583 Hello? 522 00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,043 JOEL (over phone): Hey, pal, it's Daddy. 523 00:22:57,085 --> 00:22:58,294 Hi, Daddy. 524 00:22:58,336 --> 00:23:00,713 Wow, you're answering the phone now, huh, buddy? 525 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:03,341 -Big man now. -ETHAN: Yeah. 526 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:04,884 Hey, put your mommy on, okay? 527 00:23:04,926 --> 00:23:06,385 Okay. 528 00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:08,387 Phone! 529 00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:11,933 Hello? 530 00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:13,768 Who the fuck is this? 531 00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,853 -Who the fuck is this? -This is Joel. 532 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,396 -Who? -Midge's husband. Who are you? 533 00:23:17,438 --> 00:23:18,648 Susie. 534 00:23:18,689 --> 00:23:21,317 -Susie who? -From the Gaslight. 535 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:22,819 What the hell are you doing there? 536 00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:24,862 I don't know. Why the hell are you calling? 537 00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,948 -Midge is my wife. -Not anymore. 538 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:29,909 I asked Ethan to put his mother on-- why'd he put you on? 539 00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:31,619 I don't know, he's your idiot kid. 540 00:23:31,661 --> 00:23:33,246 You know what? 541 00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:35,206 -Is Midge there? -No. 542 00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,624 Can you take a message? 543 00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,251 -No. -Will you take a message? 544 00:23:38,292 --> 00:23:40,753 I need her to meet me. It's important. 545 00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:42,880 -Hello? -Fine. 546 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,341 Tell Midge to meet me at 15 West 40th. 547 00:23:45,383 --> 00:23:47,760 JOEL: I-I like the molding, 548 00:23:47,802 --> 00:23:49,178 but I may want to strip the paint off. 549 00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:51,264 -Is that possible? -MAN: It's getting late. 550 00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:54,642 -Knock-knock. -Midge, great. Come in. 551 00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:56,144 I'd like you to meet Mr. Greenberg. 552 00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:57,645 Mr. Greenberg owns the building. 553 00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,606 Oh, well, your parents must be so very proud. 554 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:03,568 Don't touch anything. The paint's not dry. 555 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:05,987 -Well, he's a charmer. -He's fine. 556 00:24:06,028 --> 00:24:08,322 The most important thing is he keeps a clean building. 557 00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:11,159 Anyhow, thank you for coming. 558 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,286 -You said it was important. -I know. 559 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:15,705 I didn't mean to be dramatic, but I-I've toured 560 00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:17,582 a lot of shitholes over the past few weeks, 561 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,500 so when I finally found this place, 562 00:24:19,542 --> 00:24:22,086 I had to get you down here before someone else took it. 563 00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:24,297 What are you talking about? What is this? 564 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:27,592 Your new apartment. (chuckles) 565 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,468 I really think it's the perfect place for you. 566 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:33,055 -For me? -And Ethan and Esther. 567 00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:34,849 I know it's smaller than you're used to, 568 00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:37,894 but it's very clean, it's an elevator building. 569 00:24:37,935 --> 00:24:40,438 It's a great location, halfway between the club downtown 570 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,981 and your parents' apartment. 571 00:24:42,023 --> 00:24:43,357 There's a great park a block away. 572 00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:44,609 The butcher's right around the corner, 573 00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:45,902 and it's right off three subways. 574 00:24:45,943 --> 00:24:48,696 I can manage it, and you won't have to work anymore. 575 00:24:48,738 --> 00:24:51,240 Whoa, whoa, whoa, who says I'm gonna stop working? 576 00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:53,743 -Well, you'll have to. -Oh, I will? 577 00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:55,369 -Why will I have to? -I... 578 00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:57,747 Am I suddenly unable to apply lipstick? 579 00:24:57,788 --> 00:24:59,415 -No. -I can't point to powder? 580 00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:01,292 -You can point. -I can't spritz a person 581 00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,044 with perfume? That's where my abilities end? 582 00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:04,462 You'll have the kids. You won't have your parents 583 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,504 or Zelda around. 584 00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:06,756 I figured you'd want to quit. 585 00:25:06,797 --> 00:25:08,007 Oh, you figured. You figured? 586 00:25:08,049 --> 00:25:09,800 -What's the matter? -I just don't like you 587 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,135 telling me where I'm gonna live. 588 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,220 I wasn't telling you. 589 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:13,596 Where are you gonna live, huh? 590 00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:14,847 -Me? -Yeah, you're still 591 00:25:14,889 --> 00:25:16,349 -at your parents', right? -Yes. 592 00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:17,642 Well, if you can tell me where I'm gonna live, 593 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,851 -then I can tell you where you're gonna live. -Midge. 594 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,353 Turtle Bay. You're gonna live in Turtle Bay. 595 00:25:20,394 --> 00:25:22,480 -Where the hell is Turtle Bay? -I don't know. 596 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,940 It's right off three subways. Have fun! 597 00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:25,566 -Why are you angry? -I'm not angry. 598 00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:27,777 -It's a nice apartment. -I had a nice apartment. 599 00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:29,695 -I know. -And I lost it because of you. 600 00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:31,113 I know. 601 00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:32,949 And it was right off three subways, too. 602 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:34,367 It wasn't, actually. 603 00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,369 How can you suddenly afford this? 604 00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,412 Huh? You quit your job. 605 00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,039 -Right? -Uh... 606 00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,457 Imogene said that you quit your job, 607 00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:42,792 and now Archie's gonna get fired. 608 00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:44,001 Why is Archie gonna get fired? 609 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,336 I don't know. Ask Imogene. 610 00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:47,380 She said that you walked out and left Archie standing 611 00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:48,881 next to the chart that she made. 612 00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:50,341 -Imogene made that chart? -Yes. 613 00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:51,467 That was a great chart. 614 00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:52,551 So you get another job? 615 00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,887 -Midge, I've got it covered. -How? 616 00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:56,055 Do you like the apartment or not? 617 00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:59,475 -No. -Fine. 618 00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:01,102 Yes, it's very nice. 619 00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:03,813 The phone niche is particularly delightful. 620 00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:06,148 I'm sorry, it's not the apartment. 621 00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:08,943 The apartment's fine. It's just a lot... 622 00:26:08,985 --> 00:26:11,153 I can find my own place. 623 00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:13,072 Okay, find your own place. 624 00:26:13,114 --> 00:26:14,907 Just tell me what it costs and I'll pay for it. 625 00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:16,701 With the job you don't have yet? 626 00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,494 Midge, give me a break, please? 627 00:26:18,536 --> 00:26:21,163 I'm just trying to do some fucking thing right here! 628 00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:25,960 I know. I know. 629 00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,546 Sorry to drag you out here like this. 630 00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,506 It's a nice place, it's just... 631 00:26:30,548 --> 00:26:33,426 I get it. 632 00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:41,517 I don't want you to live in Turtle Bay. 633 00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,020 I don't either. 634 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,272 Okay. 635 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,566 Well, that's settled. 636 00:26:50,985 --> 00:26:53,362 ABE: No, no, no, no, no, I-I can do this. 637 00:26:53,404 --> 00:26:55,281 I am a learned man, I teach at a major university. 638 00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:56,449 ROSE: Fine. 639 00:26:56,490 --> 00:26:58,617 Ah! Thursday, right there. 640 00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:00,036 That says "Thursday." 641 00:27:00,077 --> 00:27:02,747 Bravo. Ethan would be very proud of you. 642 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:06,083 See, I hear some very French sarcasm in that "bravo." 643 00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:08,044 Pas du tout! That means "not at all." 644 00:27:08,085 --> 00:27:09,754 -(chuckles) -Are you ready? 645 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,047 For what? 646 00:27:11,088 --> 00:27:12,506 ROSE (singsongy): Come on. 647 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,175 Rose, where are you taking me? 648 00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:16,510 Rose, you're being very mysterious. 649 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:18,429 ROSE: Am I? We're here. 650 00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:21,223 It's so exciting. 651 00:27:26,896 --> 00:27:28,731 Voilà! 652 00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:30,691 ABE: What is this? 653 00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:33,736 Jeanne, from my class, her parents own the building. 654 00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:35,321 The tenants just moved out, 655 00:27:35,363 --> 00:27:37,031 so they haven't had the chance to fix it up yet, 656 00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:38,574 but I just had to show it to you immediately. 657 00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,201 Obviously, it needs some paint 658 00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,203 and some repairs here and there, but look at the view. 659 00:27:42,244 --> 00:27:43,579 ABE: Ooh, that's some view. 660 00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:45,581 See over there? That's your café. 661 00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,208 -So it is. -Five blocks away. 662 00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:49,627 -Ah. -There are two bedrooms back here. 663 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:51,670 A perfect little kitchen, bathroom. 664 00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,172 -Look at that ceiling. -Isn't it marvelous? 665 00:27:53,214 --> 00:27:55,049 I almost don't want them to fix it up. 666 00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:57,426 It's sort of glorious in its shabbiness. 667 00:27:57,468 --> 00:28:00,429 -(laughs) -We-we could put a sofa there, 668 00:28:00,471 --> 00:28:02,223 some chairs, right over here your piano. 669 00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:03,349 -Ooh, yes. -(snaps fingers) 670 00:28:03,391 --> 00:28:04,642 The acoustics are perfect. 671 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,185 The dining room would go in here. 672 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:09,230 We could fit eight comfortably, ten with a leaf. 673 00:28:09,271 --> 00:28:12,441 And right over here would be a great place for you to read. 674 00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,693 Oh, yes, perfect reading light. 675 00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:18,197 This wall is for bookshelves, I think a console over here. 676 00:28:18,239 --> 00:28:19,865 A radio, record player... 677 00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,200 -Are they dog friendly? -They're dog friendly. 678 00:28:21,242 --> 00:28:22,743 They have to be dog friendly. 679 00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:24,328 Plus, there's a little park around the corner 680 00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:25,413 where we could throw her little ball. 681 00:28:25,454 --> 00:28:26,497 She loves that little ball. 682 00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:28,124 It's special, isn't it? 683 00:28:28,165 --> 00:28:31,335 -Well, it is just a ball. -No, the apartment. 684 00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:33,671 -Oh, yes, it's magnificent. -I know. 685 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,214 I mean, I love our little place, 686 00:28:35,256 --> 00:28:37,550 but it's not very practical for the long term. 687 00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:40,678 Though I will miss the boys, but we'll just have to get used to 688 00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,096 our own bathroom again. 689 00:28:42,138 --> 00:28:44,682 And hot water, we'll have to get used to hot water again. 690 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:49,270 -Rose. -(Rose continues indistinctly) 691 00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:51,480 -Rose. -Hmm? 692 00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:56,110 We can't buy this apartment. 693 00:28:56,152 --> 00:28:57,486 Why not? 694 00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:59,530 Because we don't live here. 695 00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,282 Well, we will after we buy the place. 696 00:29:01,323 --> 00:29:03,409 In Paris, we don't live in Paris. 697 00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:04,743 We have to go home. 698 00:29:04,785 --> 00:29:06,245 Paris is home. 699 00:29:06,287 --> 00:29:07,913 No, Rose, it's not. 700 00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:09,498 Why not? 701 00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:11,750 Because my classes at Columbia start in a week. 702 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,586 I'm a tenured professor. 703 00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:15,880 And if I don't go back, I'll lose my spot at Bell Labs. 704 00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:18,466 And if I don't go back, what will I lose? 705 00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:21,385 -Well... -Drapes will have to be made, 706 00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:22,970 but the shutters will do for now. 707 00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:25,598 Rose, stop. Our lives are in New York. 708 00:29:25,639 --> 00:29:27,016 Your friends are in New York. 709 00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:28,601 Your-your garden club is in New York. 710 00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:30,895 I have friends here, too. So do you. 711 00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,022 -What friends? -What are you talking about? 712 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,733 Thierry, Rolf, Sergei. Have you forgotten about them? 713 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,610 Of course not. 714 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,737 You're part of their group; you're-you're one of them. 715 00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:43,657 I am not one of th-- I have no idea what they're talking about. 716 00:29:43,699 --> 00:29:46,285 They could be sitting there saying, "That idiot, Abe, 717 00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,704 "thinks we like him. Let's set his coat on fire, 718 00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:50,748 and see how long it takes him to notice." 719 00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,458 Well, not Thierry, he cries too much, 720 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,293 but Sergei, he looks like a pyro. 721 00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:56,295 That's not true; they're kindred spirits. 722 00:29:56,337 --> 00:29:58,631 They all drink 40 cups of coffee a day 723 00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,466 and switch to absinthe at noon. 724 00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,885 They all have wives and girlfriends. 725 00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:05,471 -So what? -I don't want a girlfriend. 726 00:30:05,513 --> 00:30:07,848 I'm still getting used to a maid. 727 00:30:07,890 --> 00:30:10,851 I am not French. I'm different. 728 00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:12,978 You're adjusting. Y-You're learning the language. 729 00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:14,897 "Thursday," I learned "Thursday." 730 00:30:14,939 --> 00:30:17,191 W-Wednesday can't be far behind. 731 00:30:17,233 --> 00:30:19,026 Rose. 732 00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:22,404 I want to go home. 733 00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:25,950 This has been a wonderful vacation... 734 00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:30,913 ...but it's time to go back to our life. 735 00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,623 What life? 736 00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,583 My daughter does not want my guidance. 737 00:30:34,625 --> 00:30:36,168 You have no need for my input. 738 00:30:36,210 --> 00:30:37,753 I'm alone in New York. 739 00:30:37,795 --> 00:30:40,172 Here, I have art. 740 00:30:40,214 --> 00:30:43,259 I have independence; no one looks at me with pity. 741 00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:45,511 -No one looks at you... -Poor Rose, she's too fragile 742 00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:48,264 to be told the truth, too delicate to confide in. 743 00:30:48,305 --> 00:30:50,558 She'll shatter. 744 00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:54,728 Here in Paris, I'm... 745 00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,814 shatterproof. 746 00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:59,066 I'm-I'm sorry I lied to you. 747 00:30:59,108 --> 00:31:01,610 I'll never do it again. 748 00:31:01,652 --> 00:31:05,030 And I-I promise we will figure out a way 749 00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:07,283 to make it better once we get back. 750 00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:10,202 But we have to go back. 751 00:31:10,244 --> 00:31:12,496 Do you hear me? 752 00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:15,291 Rose. 753 00:31:15,332 --> 00:31:18,002 Rosie. 754 00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:29,597 (door slams) 755 00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:33,851 Wait. 756 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,603 (sniffs) Smell that? 757 00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:37,062 Smells like cheap beer and piss. 758 00:31:37,104 --> 00:31:39,106 I know. Exciting, right? 759 00:31:39,148 --> 00:31:40,482 Hi. I'm working here tonight. 760 00:31:40,524 --> 00:31:42,026 -I'm a comic. -Oh. 761 00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:43,319 What's up her ass? 762 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,445 Tone down the perk. 763 00:31:44,486 --> 00:31:45,571 We're in a real club now. 764 00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:46,655 Sorry. 765 00:31:46,697 --> 00:31:47,990 Fuck you, keep walking. 766 00:31:48,032 --> 00:31:49,199 There you go. 767 00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:52,119 Aha. There he is. 768 00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,746 Bobby, hi. 769 00:31:53,787 --> 00:31:55,748 Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates. 770 00:31:55,789 --> 00:31:57,833 I don't need that. You're my girl comedian? 771 00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,209 -Yes, I am. -All right. 772 00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:00,878 I have you down for an eight-minute slot. 773 00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,212 Eight minutes. Eight minutes. Eight minutes? 774 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:03,672 -I'll talk fast. -Eight minutes is great. 775 00:32:03,714 --> 00:32:04,673 Here's four drink tickets. 776 00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,300 You're up third. 777 00:32:06,342 --> 00:32:08,260 -Third. Good slot. -Really? 778 00:32:08,302 --> 00:32:09,928 Are you kidding? Third is perfect. 779 00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,930 The crowd is warmed up but not worn out. 780 00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:13,432 Yeah? Okay. Third. Great. 781 00:32:13,474 --> 00:32:15,768 How do I look? Hair? Makeup? Teeth? 782 00:32:15,809 --> 00:32:18,020 Excuse me. Uh, Mrs. Maisel, is it? 783 00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,438 -Midge is fine. -Oh. 784 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,065 Midge is fine. Isn't Midge fine? 785 00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:23,859 Bobby told us there was a lady comic coming on tonight. 786 00:32:23,901 --> 00:32:25,527 Didn't tell us she was quite so pretty. 787 00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:27,655 -Well, thank you. -EUGENE: That is a lovely dress. 788 00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,531 Susie Myerson. I'm her manager. 789 00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,450 EUGENE: So you're the girl from the Gaslight gig, right? 790 00:32:31,492 --> 00:32:33,243 Lenny Bruce's girl. 791 00:32:33,285 --> 00:32:34,745 Oh, I'm not his girl, just his friend. 792 00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:36,080 EUGENE: So what kind of act do you do? 793 00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:38,749 Birds? Violin? Wait-- singer. 794 00:32:38,791 --> 00:32:40,084 -Nope. -STAN: Oh, you should sing. 795 00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,335 EUGENE: You'd clean up as a singer. 796 00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:42,753 But I-I don't sing. 797 00:32:42,795 --> 00:32:44,421 It doesn't matter, just wear that dress. 798 00:32:44,463 --> 00:32:47,758 Hey, so one colleague to another, uh, you and Lenny...? 799 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,218 Me and Lenny what? 800 00:32:49,259 --> 00:32:51,053 Well, what he did for you, that was pretty big. 801 00:32:51,095 --> 00:32:53,055 You must've done something pretty big for him first, right? 802 00:32:53,097 --> 00:32:54,890 Nothing but respect if you did. 803 00:32:54,932 --> 00:32:56,934 Hey, I'd sleep with Lenny Bruce if he asked. 804 00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,603 -The man is a god. -She did not fucking sleep with Lenny Bruce. 805 00:32:59,645 --> 00:33:00,979 -Yeah. -And even if she did, 806 00:33:01,021 --> 00:33:02,481 that's not why he did the gig. 807 00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:04,024 I-I didn't sleep with him. 808 00:33:04,066 --> 00:33:05,442 I know, but my point is, 809 00:33:05,484 --> 00:33:07,111 even if you did, it doesn't matter. 810 00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:08,946 -Yeah, but I didn't. -I know, but if you did...? 811 00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:10,531 For fuck's sake. 812 00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:12,491 Wow, little lady's got a potty mouth. 813 00:33:12,533 --> 00:33:15,828 -Lenny teach you that also? -(both chuckle) 814 00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:19,248 -Well, I like them. -Oh, relax. 815 00:33:19,289 --> 00:33:21,291 Odds are at least one of them has late-stage syphilis. 816 00:33:21,333 --> 00:33:22,376 I'm getting a drink. 817 00:33:22,418 --> 00:33:23,460 -You want one? -Nope. 818 00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:24,461 -You want to sit? -Nope. 819 00:33:24,503 --> 00:33:25,879 I am going to stay fresh. 820 00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,423 Okay, well, as long as you're okay 821 00:33:27,464 --> 00:33:28,966 with me sitting and drinking, we're good. 822 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,676 BOBBY: Hey, everybody, I'm Bobby Stelter, 823 00:33:30,718 --> 00:33:32,344 your humble host for the evening. 824 00:33:32,386 --> 00:33:34,972 Are you guys in the mood for a fantastic show? 825 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,974 -(applause) -All right, then what you want to do 826 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,600 is walk outside and catch a cab to the Copa 827 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:39,893 'cause it ain't happening here. 828 00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:41,186 Now, let's bring up our first comic. 829 00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:43,522 He's Canadian, but don't hold that against him. 830 00:33:43,564 --> 00:33:45,441 Joey Parker! 831 00:33:48,444 --> 00:33:49,987 Thanks, Bobby. 832 00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:51,780 True story. 833 00:33:51,822 --> 00:33:55,659 Before John Wayne was famous, he was a prop man on movie sets. 834 00:33:55,701 --> 00:33:58,662 But what if he never became "The Duke" 835 00:33:58,704 --> 00:34:00,622 and was still working behind the scenes? 836 00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:03,500 Could you see him having to be James Mason's prop guy? 837 00:34:03,542 --> 00:34:05,043 (laughter) 838 00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:07,838 (imitating John Wayne): Well, here ya go, pilgrim. 839 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,465 (imitating James Mason): A gun? 840 00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:12,426 -Why are you handing me a gun? -(laughter) 841 00:34:12,468 --> 00:34:15,053 (imitating John Wayne): It's a Colt Single Action. 842 00:34:15,095 --> 00:34:17,222 They'll know who's boss. 843 00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:19,475 -Mrs. Maisel. -Yes, here. 844 00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:21,393 -Put your hand down. -Slight change. 845 00:34:21,435 --> 00:34:23,228 You're gonna go on fourth now, okay? 846 00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:24,605 Oh, sure. Fourth. 847 00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:26,231 -Fourth is, fourth is... -Better. 848 00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:28,066 -Really? -Much better. Fourth is perfect. 849 00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:29,735 I thought you said third was perfect. 850 00:34:29,777 --> 00:34:31,278 Mm, fourth is more perfect. 851 00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,322 I didn't want to say it before 'cause you were going on third, 852 00:34:33,363 --> 00:34:35,073 but fourth is so much better. 853 00:34:35,115 --> 00:34:37,618 Yo, barkeep. 854 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,661 -(applause) -EUGENE: I used to be a lawyer 855 00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:41,163 and I was terrible at it. 856 00:34:41,205 --> 00:34:43,874 I would hear the other lawyers' arguments 857 00:34:43,916 --> 00:34:45,459 and I'd start to look at my client sideways like, 858 00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:47,753 -"Yeah, you do seem guilty." -(laughter) 859 00:34:47,795 --> 00:34:50,631 -You sure you don't want to sit? -Staying fresh. 860 00:34:50,672 --> 00:34:52,758 Okay, well, see, here's what's good about going on fourth. 861 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:54,343 I'm listening. 862 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,345 Gives you time to look around, take in the room. 863 00:34:56,386 --> 00:34:58,263 -What am I looking for? -Material. 864 00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,642 -For example, you see that lady? -Yeah. Ooh, that hat. 865 00:35:01,683 --> 00:35:04,228 Exactly. That hat is screaming to be talked about. 866 00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:07,064 That hat is the fat girl in a family full of beauty queens. 867 00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:08,482 I can do something with that. 868 00:35:08,524 --> 00:35:10,692 EUGENE: Hey, doll, what's with the hat? 869 00:35:10,734 --> 00:35:13,237 Going to a Minnie Pearl look-alike contest later? 870 00:35:13,278 --> 00:35:15,280 (imitating Minnie Pearl): Howdy! 871 00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,950 Shit. Minnie Pearl. So easy. 872 00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:19,535 Work for it a little at least. 873 00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:21,245 Bobby, I have another spot tonight uptown. 874 00:35:21,286 --> 00:35:22,704 At this rate, I'll never get there. 875 00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:24,248 -Stan... -You want me to miss the gig? 876 00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:25,666 I won't get paid and my little girl's 877 00:35:25,707 --> 00:35:27,251 gonna have to go without braces. 878 00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:29,044 She's gonna go through life looking like Tim Tam 879 00:35:29,086 --> 00:35:30,629 'cause you got an Italian watch. 880 00:35:30,671 --> 00:35:32,005 Okay, okay. You're up next. 881 00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:34,007 -You thinking what I'm thinking? -Yup. 882 00:35:34,049 --> 00:35:36,093 -Mrs. Maisel, listen, I'm sorr... -Yeah, we heard. 883 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,095 You've already bumped her. Bump someone else. 884 00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:39,721 Stan's a regular. He's been working here four years. 885 00:35:39,763 --> 00:35:41,431 He brings people in. 886 00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:44,685 You work here four years, you bring people in, we'll talk. 887 00:35:44,726 --> 00:35:47,563 So, going fifth is better 'cause...? 888 00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:49,940 The audience is drunker? Lowers the bar. 889 00:35:49,982 --> 00:35:52,359 (applause) 890 00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,406 All right, let's keep this cavalcade of comedy 891 00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:59,032 moving along, right? 892 00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:01,118 All right, next up, a lot of you know his work. 893 00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:03,871 He's always funny, always polite and discreet, 894 00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:07,332 our very own Stan Benning! 895 00:36:07,374 --> 00:36:10,502 -Stan! -Thanks, Bobby. Mwah! 896 00:36:10,544 --> 00:36:13,005 Hey, look at you. 897 00:36:13,046 --> 00:36:14,923 Lots of beautiful women in the audience. 898 00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:16,508 Too bad I'm married. 899 00:36:16,550 --> 00:36:20,512 My wife looks like a work of art, a Picasso. 900 00:36:20,554 --> 00:36:22,723 You know, Disney has a new movie about a princess 901 00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,516 called Sleeping Beauty 902 00:36:24,558 --> 00:36:28,770 and a new movie about my wife called, "Not now, I'm sleeping." 903 00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:32,065 Oh, and hey, we got a girl comic coming up in a little bit. 904 00:36:32,107 --> 00:36:33,775 That ought to be entertaining. 905 00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,278 Madge or Marjorie, something like that. 906 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,030 Don't get too excited, fellas. 907 00:36:38,071 --> 00:36:40,073 She keeps her clothes on. 908 00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:43,410 Plan to laugh at something the guy next to you says 909 00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:45,162 'cause I ain't vouching for Madge, 910 00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:47,623 though I hear she's a hell of a singer. 911 00:36:47,664 --> 00:36:49,541 Fill her up! You sure you don't...? 912 00:36:49,583 --> 00:36:51,543 Fresh, remember? 913 00:36:51,585 --> 00:36:55,047 I'd work up a hot rendition of "Swanee" if I were you, Madge. 914 00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,517 (rattling nearby) 915 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,653 (clattering nearby) 916 00:37:24,660 --> 00:37:27,287 -Aah! Shit. -Pop. 917 00:37:27,329 --> 00:37:29,081 -Jesus. -What the hell are you doing here? 918 00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:31,959 -What does it look like? -You have got to find a girl. 919 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,337 -What time is it? -11:30. 920 00:37:35,379 --> 00:37:37,506 I checked downstairs already. 921 00:37:37,547 --> 00:37:39,091 We're probably clear for the night. 922 00:37:39,132 --> 00:37:41,051 They would've come by now. 923 00:37:41,093 --> 00:37:43,387 (sighs) Okay. 924 00:37:43,428 --> 00:37:45,973 -Pop. -Yeah? 925 00:37:46,014 --> 00:37:48,392 You want to get a drink? 926 00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:51,353 You remember the last time we sat like this, 927 00:37:51,395 --> 00:37:54,189 you and me, a couple of drinks, a couple of bats? 928 00:37:54,231 --> 00:37:56,817 -Nope. -Yeah, me, either. 929 00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,777 Well, you have a life to live. 930 00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:00,362 We have to talk about the factory. 931 00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:02,239 -No, we don't. -The place is a mess. 932 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,449 -It's not a mess. -Okay, it's not a mess. 933 00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:05,951 Well, it's a little bit of a mess. 934 00:38:05,993 --> 00:38:09,246 -How? How did it get this bad? -I don't know. 935 00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:12,249 A year ago you were doing fine. 936 00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,501 You know, when I started this business, 937 00:38:14,543 --> 00:38:17,713 I knew it would do well. I was a determined guy. 938 00:38:17,754 --> 00:38:20,424 I had a brain cell or two, plus I didn't have a choice. 939 00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:22,092 Wasn't gonna sell pickles off a pushcart 940 00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:23,510 like my father did. 941 00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:26,805 But then it took off like a shot 942 00:38:26,847 --> 00:38:29,307 and now I feel like I've been running a fucking marathon 943 00:38:29,349 --> 00:38:31,059 for 20 years. 944 00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:32,853 Next thing I know, I got loans, 945 00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:35,272 padded payrolls and your mother's books. 946 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,941 The son of a bitch landlord is threatening to triple the rent 947 00:38:37,983 --> 00:38:39,317 because he knows I can't move 948 00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,902 and you know what the real problem is? 949 00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:44,114 -You should've found a Roth. -Should've found a Roth. 950 00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:46,283 Wasn't enough just to put it on the sign. 951 00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:48,076 Where are your guys, Pop? 952 00:38:48,118 --> 00:38:50,620 Where's Carl, Izzie, Benny? 953 00:38:50,662 --> 00:38:53,331 Benny's gone. Left six months ago. 954 00:38:53,373 --> 00:38:54,750 Izzie's been dipping in and out lately. 955 00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:57,544 I don't trust Izzie. Carl's sick. 956 00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:59,546 He's technically still on the payroll, but... 957 00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:03,341 Listen... I'm gonna stay. 958 00:39:03,383 --> 00:39:05,385 -Stay where? -I'm gonna stay with the company. 959 00:39:05,427 --> 00:39:07,929 -Wait, wait a minute. -Help get things back on track. 960 00:39:07,971 --> 00:39:09,848 Not forever. Understand? 961 00:39:09,890 --> 00:39:12,893 -But longer than I had intended to. -No. 962 00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:15,270 We have to get this figured out. 963 00:39:15,312 --> 00:39:17,397 We need an accountant or a shaman to fix those books 964 00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:19,399 and we have to take care of the landlord. 965 00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:20,525 How are you gonna do that? 966 00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:23,195 -We're gonna buy the building. -Ah! 967 00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:24,905 You got the crazy from your mother. 968 00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:27,741 Padded cell for two. Visiting day will be nice. 969 00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,659 -We'll take out a loan. -Another loan. 970 00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,870 A real loan from a bank. 971 00:39:31,912 --> 00:39:33,622 I can help you, Pop. You need me. 972 00:39:33,663 --> 00:39:36,374 And for all this white knight bullshit, 973 00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:37,918 I expect you want to be paid? 974 00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:39,461 You bet your ass I want to be paid. 975 00:39:39,503 --> 00:39:41,296 So you need me. 976 00:39:41,338 --> 00:39:44,216 Okay, yes. 977 00:39:44,257 --> 00:39:47,302 How do I know this all isn't just a whim? 978 00:39:47,344 --> 00:39:51,139 How do I know you won't just walk out when you're not happy? 979 00:39:51,181 --> 00:39:52,557 My name's Maisel, too, Pop. 980 00:39:52,599 --> 00:39:55,560 The Maisel name is on that building 981 00:39:55,602 --> 00:39:57,229 and it's gonna stay on that building. 982 00:39:57,270 --> 00:40:01,233 Listen, I want you to talk to Uncle Moe. 983 00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:04,694 My friend Archie, I kind of hung him out to dry when I quit. 984 00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,655 I want you to tell Uncle Moe to take care of him. 985 00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:08,365 He can't be fired. 986 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:10,617 Now you want me to tell my brother how to run his business? 987 00:40:10,659 --> 00:40:14,246 Archie's a good man. He deserves his spot there. 988 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:17,207 Okay. I do that for you and in return you hire Manny back. 989 00:40:17,249 --> 00:40:20,502 -What? No. -If Manny goes, his wife Gloria goes. 990 00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:23,797 Gloria is my best seamstress. Without her, I'm sunk. 991 00:40:23,839 --> 00:40:25,382 And Pete...? 992 00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:27,008 The schmuck playing cards in the storeroom? 993 00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:28,385 His wife Bernice does all my best embroidery. 994 00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,720 He went, she went. 995 00:40:30,762 --> 00:40:32,222 I need her back, too. 996 00:40:32,264 --> 00:40:34,141 Okay, Manny and Pete can come back to work, 997 00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,684 but they have to fucking work. 998 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:38,520 -Yeah. Good luck with that. -So what? We have a deal? 999 00:40:38,562 --> 00:40:40,313 I'm back until things are straightened out, 1000 00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:41,565 until you're whole. 1001 00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,400 Yeah. 1002 00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:46,236 Remember, it's not permanent. 1003 00:40:46,278 --> 00:40:48,488 -I am not your Roth. -I know that. 1004 00:40:48,530 --> 00:40:50,824 You're a Maisel. 1005 00:40:52,576 --> 00:40:54,536 (laughter) 1006 00:40:54,578 --> 00:40:56,329 NOAH: Jews come from all over the world. 1007 00:40:56,371 --> 00:40:58,415 In my family alone, my grandparents speak 1008 00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:01,418 five different languages, which means that I know how to say, 1009 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:04,880 "Why aren't you married?" in five different languages. 1010 00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:06,423 I got circumcised when I was eight days old. 1011 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,508 SUSIE: Only one ticket left. Fuck it. 1012 00:41:08,550 --> 00:41:10,886 Hey, bar guy. 1013 00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:12,888 Are you okay? 1014 00:41:12,929 --> 00:41:15,390 SUSIE: I fell off the stool like I'm Dylan Thomas. 1015 00:41:15,432 --> 00:41:17,058 Okay, you're up. 1016 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,768 Great. How do I look? 1017 00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:20,937 Hey. Get up. Manage shit. 1018 00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:22,689 SUSIE: Sorry. Okay. 1019 00:41:22,731 --> 00:41:24,399 Remember to wait for the laughs completely. 1020 00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:26,693 -You were rushing last week. -I know. I'll remember. 1021 00:41:26,735 --> 00:41:28,737 -NOAH: ...money and a hand job. -(laughter) 1022 00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:31,615 -Okay. Tits up. -Tits up. 1023 00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:34,326 Well, that's it for me tonight. You've been a great audience. 1024 00:41:34,367 --> 00:41:36,328 (applause) 1025 00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:38,330 Everybody, you're not gonna believe it, 1026 00:41:38,371 --> 00:41:40,040 but someone just walked in the door 1027 00:41:40,081 --> 00:41:42,125 and there's no way he's leaving without doing his thing. 1028 00:41:42,167 --> 00:41:44,961 Jackie Vernon, get up here, man. 1029 00:41:46,963 --> 00:41:49,424 Jackie Vernon! 1030 00:41:49,466 --> 00:41:53,470 -Let him hear it. -(cheers and applause) 1031 00:41:56,932 --> 00:42:00,101 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. 1032 00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:02,646 Tonight I'd like to talk about rejections. 1033 00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:06,483 My personal rejections brought on a weight problem. 1034 00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:08,860 Every time a girl would refuse me a date, 1035 00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:12,781 I'd eat a piece of Bavarian cream pie. 1036 00:42:12,822 --> 00:42:16,326 One day I ate 238 pieces of Bavarian cream pie. 1037 00:42:16,368 --> 00:42:18,495 -(laughter) -So close, and then he shows up. 1038 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:21,248 But don't worry. He's gonna be really easy to follow. 1039 00:42:21,289 --> 00:42:23,500 He's just super warming the place up for you. 1040 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,126 Like he's doing you a favor. 1041 00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:26,586 Thought you had to be somewhere. 1042 00:42:26,628 --> 00:42:28,630 And miss Jackie Vernon? Not a chance. 1043 00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:31,132 VERNON: My doctor told me to cut out all sugar and use saccharin. 1044 00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:34,511 I used so much saccharin, I developed artificial diabetes. 1045 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:35,929 (laughter) 1046 00:42:35,971 --> 00:42:37,681 Okay, that's it. I'll have a martini. 1047 00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,432 We're out of drink tickets. 1048 00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:41,393 I-I need something to eat, too. 1049 00:42:41,434 --> 00:42:42,852 Oh, hot dogs. Two hot dogs. 1050 00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:44,437 Pay him for the hot dogs. 1051 00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:46,523 This is turning out to be a very expensive gig. 1052 00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,566 Well, at least you're not wearing the same outfit. 1053 00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:50,277 I should have seen this coming. 1054 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,070 This whole day has been weird. 1055 00:42:52,112 --> 00:42:54,614 Joel decided to find me an apartment. 1056 00:42:54,656 --> 00:42:57,325 Good. It's time that loser did something other than his hair. 1057 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,536 My own apartment. I never lived on my own. 1058 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,746 I went from my parents, to college, 1059 00:43:01,788 --> 00:43:03,498 back to my parents, to Joel. 1060 00:43:03,540 --> 00:43:05,667 I feel like I've been living alone since I was nine. 1061 00:43:05,709 --> 00:43:07,419 -(laughter) -I'm a little scared. 1062 00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:09,671 I mean, what happens when the toilet clogs? 1063 00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:12,173 You get a plunger and plunge all the shit out. 1064 00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:13,550 Ugh! 1065 00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:15,260 You are gonna die on your own. 1066 00:43:15,302 --> 00:43:17,512 They're gonna find you on the floor half eaten 1067 00:43:17,554 --> 00:43:19,931 by your feral children, still clutching the fucking plunger. 1068 00:43:19,973 --> 00:43:21,349 Hey, new subject. 1069 00:43:21,391 --> 00:43:23,393 Got a telegram from my parents. 1070 00:43:23,435 --> 00:43:24,978 Oh. They're coming home? 1071 00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:26,521 They're coming home. 1072 00:43:26,563 --> 00:43:28,398 We have to figure out your living situation. 1073 00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:30,317 Hey, you were the one who was scared. 1074 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:32,402 I'm fine going back to my apartment. 1075 00:43:32,444 --> 00:43:34,404 -Uh-uh. -(laughter and applause) 1076 00:43:34,446 --> 00:43:36,489 If you are shy, timid and meek, 1077 00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:38,533 you shouldn't be too worried about it 1078 00:43:38,575 --> 00:43:40,410 because the meek will inherit the earth. 1079 00:43:40,452 --> 00:43:42,495 They wouldn't have the nerve to refuse it. 1080 00:43:42,537 --> 00:43:44,331 -(laughter) -Oh, come on. 1081 00:43:44,372 --> 00:43:45,707 What's your problem? 1082 00:43:45,749 --> 00:43:47,584 I have mustard on my dress. 1083 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,377 Oh, yeah, right on your tit. 1084 00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:51,129 It's not working. 1085 00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:52,797 Of course not. That's tequila. 1086 00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:54,549 -Try gin. -Look at me. 1087 00:43:54,591 --> 00:43:57,177 Look at my dress. It's all wrinkled and stained. 1088 00:43:57,218 --> 00:43:59,137 I told you I shouldn't sit down. 1089 00:43:59,179 --> 00:44:01,639 -I didn't tell you to sit down. -You motioned. 1090 00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:04,351 I'm drunk. I was probably grabbing the air for balance. 1091 00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:06,478 How am I going to go up there like this? 1092 00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:08,355 Oh, don't worry. This guy's never getting off. 1093 00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:10,607 I'm wrinkled, I'm stained. 1094 00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,859 -Plus... -Plus what? 1095 00:44:12,901 --> 00:44:16,237 Well... you're a little pungent. 1096 00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,906 I am not pungent. 1097 00:44:17,947 --> 00:44:19,991 I am downwind. I kind of know. 1098 00:44:20,033 --> 00:44:21,701 Never. Never. 1099 00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:23,578 I have never in my life been... 1100 00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:25,163 (sniffing) What is that? 1101 00:44:25,205 --> 00:44:27,040 -That's you. -It's... 1102 00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:31,044 -No, that's... -(laughs) 1103 00:44:31,086 --> 00:44:32,587 Well, what do you expect? 1104 00:44:32,629 --> 00:44:34,631 I sweat a little before I go on, 1105 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,716 which has happened four times so far tonight. 1106 00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:39,969 Well, folks, I don't want you to get excited or panicky, 1107 00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,013 but I just finished. 1108 00:44:42,055 --> 00:44:43,681 How about a hand for the suit? 1109 00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:45,725 Hey, he's done. Get ready. 1110 00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:48,269 -(cheering and applause) -Shit, shit, shit, shit. 1111 00:44:49,729 --> 00:44:53,191 The master, ladies and gentlemen. 1112 00:44:53,233 --> 00:44:56,778 (cheering and applause) 1113 00:44:56,820 --> 00:44:58,571 Who could possibly follow him, huh? 1114 00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:00,156 Well, you're about to find out. 1115 00:45:00,198 --> 00:45:01,908 They're leaving. 1116 00:45:01,950 --> 00:45:03,868 -They smelled me. -Just get up there. 1117 00:45:03,910 --> 00:45:06,037 Hey, where you going? Sit down. Sit back down. 1118 00:45:06,079 --> 00:45:08,498 Hey, the best is yet to come. The show is not over. 1119 00:45:08,540 --> 00:45:10,250 -Sit your ass back down! -BOBBY: Ladies and gentlemen, 1120 00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:12,627 welcome an adorable lady who, 1121 00:45:12,669 --> 00:45:15,922 if she can't make you laugh, can at least make you dinner. 1122 00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:18,007 Mrs. My-zell. 1123 00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,801 Maisel, asshole. Maisel! 1124 00:45:19,843 --> 00:45:22,220 -Tits up. -Arms down. 1125 00:45:28,226 --> 00:45:30,478 -Hey, where's the light? -The light guy left. 1126 00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:32,981 What the fuck? She needs a spot. 1127 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,691 Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1128 00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:37,694 I'm Mrs. Maisel. 1129 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:39,112 Follow my voice! 1130 00:45:39,154 --> 00:45:40,530 (scattered laughter) 1131 00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:42,532 Uh, it's-it's so nice to be here. 1132 00:45:42,574 --> 00:45:44,117 It's nice of you to stay. 1133 00:45:44,159 --> 00:45:48,413 I was supposed to go on earlier, a lot earlier, 1134 00:45:48,455 --> 00:45:50,457 -before I looked like this. -MAN: Yeah. 1135 00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:53,710 -Anyone have a comb? -(woman laughs) 1136 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,462 Women would get that 1137 00:45:55,503 --> 00:45:58,548 because there's-there's no way a comb could fix this. 1138 00:45:58,590 --> 00:46:00,383 -(soft laughter) -A bomb would help. 1139 00:46:00,425 --> 00:46:02,635 Group blindness would work wonders. 1140 00:46:02,677 --> 00:46:05,138 Anyhow, it wasn't that great a joke. 1141 00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:06,723 Or even a joke. 1142 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,808 Uh, an amusing observation, perhaps. 1143 00:46:08,850 --> 00:46:10,727 A wry comment, if you will. 1144 00:46:10,768 --> 00:46:14,689 I'm sorry. I feel so unfocused right now. 1145 00:46:14,731 --> 00:46:16,733 I was really in the pocket earlier, 1146 00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:19,152 ready, fresh. 1147 00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:21,321 Then I had a drink, and... 1148 00:46:21,362 --> 00:46:23,698 (sighs) This is mustard. 1149 00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:25,825 -(scattered laughter) -Here. 1150 00:46:25,867 --> 00:46:31,414 As big a mess as my dress is now, my life is worse. 1151 00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:33,166 It's changing so fast. 1152 00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:35,335 I was married, I'm not married. 1153 00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,420 I'm going to have to live alone with my two children. 1154 00:46:37,462 --> 00:46:39,088 It's all going to be up to me 1155 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:42,759 to take care of them, of myself, of the toilet. 1156 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,303 So many goals I had as a young woman. 1157 00:46:45,345 --> 00:46:47,347 -Plunging was never one of 'em. -(laughter) 1158 00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:50,517 I don't want my own apartment. 1159 00:46:50,558 --> 00:46:52,435 (cheering) 1160 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:56,022 Thanks, pal. 1161 00:46:56,064 --> 00:46:59,192 I don't want my own apartment. 1162 00:46:59,234 --> 00:47:03,863 I-I don't feel ready, mentally, to have my own keys, 1163 00:47:03,905 --> 00:47:06,991 my own plumbing, my own angry Ukrainian super. 1164 00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:09,786 -(laughter) -I don't feel prepared 1165 00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:12,664 to take on that kind of responsibility alone. 1166 00:47:12,705 --> 00:47:17,335 The only thing I feel prepared to take on, right now, 1167 00:47:17,377 --> 00:47:19,879 at this very minute, 1168 00:47:19,921 --> 00:47:22,257 is those fucking losers at the bar. 1169 00:47:22,298 --> 00:47:24,968 -(laughter) -I mean, look at them. 1170 00:47:25,009 --> 00:47:28,179 The "before" picture in a Charles Atlas 1171 00:47:28,221 --> 00:47:30,807 male virility enhancement ad, 1172 00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:34,227 just standing there, waiting for me to bomb. 1173 00:47:34,269 --> 00:47:36,104 It's midnight on a Tuesday 1174 00:47:36,145 --> 00:47:37,689 and the highlight of their evening 1175 00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:40,358 is the possibility of seeing a chick fail. 1176 00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:41,776 (laughter) 1177 00:47:41,818 --> 00:47:44,696 Am I supposed to find them intimidating? 1178 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:47,073 'Cause-'cause all I see is a lineup of men 1179 00:47:47,115 --> 00:47:49,742 who had to go into comedy just to get laid. 1180 00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:51,744 -(laughter) -Seriously. 1181 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,706 We know that if, say, Eugene over there, 1182 00:47:54,747 --> 00:47:58,376 came up to you at a bar in his big-boy suit, 1183 00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,587 with his tiny baby hands, 1184 00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,589 and no opening line pre-written for him, 1185 00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:04,007 he'd be sent crawling home alone 1186 00:48:04,048 --> 00:48:07,135 -to whack off in his onesie. -(laughter) 1187 00:48:07,176 --> 00:48:08,803 And Stan... 1188 00:48:08,845 --> 00:48:12,098 -AUDIENCE: Ooh! -...who has a voice that bored a thousand ships 1189 00:48:12,140 --> 00:48:13,600 into sinking themselves. 1190 00:48:13,641 --> 00:48:15,727 If he couldn't say to some unwitting female, 1191 00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:18,521 "I got a gig downtown in an hour," he'd have to say, 1192 00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:20,481 "My mother should be asleep by now." 1193 00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:24,152 -(laughter) -All comics are comics 1194 00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:26,112 'cause something in their lives went horribly wrong. 1195 00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:27,822 Something went to shit. 1196 00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:30,408 Either their hairline, Eugene. 1197 00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:34,037 Or their personal lives. Me. And Stan. 1198 00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,831 I-I don't even need to know the details, but looking at Stan, 1199 00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:38,291 you just want to apologize 1200 00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,710 and tell him everything's gonna be okay, 1201 00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:43,421 which it won't... 'cause it's Stan. 1202 00:48:43,463 --> 00:48:47,216 -(laughter) -But men, those over there, and men in general, 1203 00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:50,053 think that they are the only ones who get to use comedy 1204 00:48:50,094 --> 00:48:52,847 to close up those holes in their soul. 1205 00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:55,308 They run around telling everyone that women aren't funny, 1206 00:48:55,350 --> 00:48:57,935 -only men are funny. -(scattered laughter) 1207 00:48:57,977 --> 00:49:01,022 SUSIE: Sorry. Give me a minute. God, this thing is heavy. 1208 00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:04,359 -Okay, go ahead. -Now, think about this. 1209 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:09,155 Comedy is fueled by oppression, 1210 00:49:09,197 --> 00:49:12,867 by the lack of power, 1211 00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:16,245 by sadness and disappointment, 1212 00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,581 by abandonment 1213 00:49:18,623 --> 00:49:21,417 and humiliation. 1214 00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:24,462 Now, who the hell does that describe more than women? 1215 00:49:24,504 --> 00:49:26,422 Judging by those standards, 1216 00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:29,550 only women should be funny. And Stan. 1217 00:49:29,592 --> 00:49:31,594 (laughter and cheering) 1218 00:49:34,806 --> 00:49:37,100 Speaking of things that women and Stan have in common, 1219 00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:38,476 have you heard this term 1220 00:49:38,518 --> 00:49:41,354 -"child bearing hips"? -(laughter) 1221 00:49:41,396 --> 00:49:42,980 You've been a great audience, everyone. 1222 00:49:43,022 --> 00:49:46,859 I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you. Good night. 1223 00:49:46,901 --> 00:49:48,986 On the way out, everyone give the boys a hug. 1224 00:49:49,028 --> 00:49:52,615 Or better yet, some fresh material. 1225 00:49:52,657 --> 00:49:55,076 -(cheers and applause) -Thank you. 1226 00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:59,831 -Thank you. -Shit, lady! 1227 00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:01,541 -You should stink more often. -(laughs) 1228 00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:03,042 BOBBY: What the hell was that? 1229 00:50:03,084 --> 00:50:05,545 Those are two of my best comics you shit all over tonight. 1230 00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:06,963 Well, they started it. 1231 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:08,840 How am I supposed to get them back here 1232 00:50:08,881 --> 00:50:10,925 after I let some snot-nosed chick-comic take them down 1233 00:50:10,967 --> 00:50:12,593 in front of a room full of people? 1234 00:50:12,635 --> 00:50:14,887 -It wasn't really full. -A lot of them had left already. 1235 00:50:14,929 --> 00:50:17,056 Doesn't matter! You don't come into my club 1236 00:50:17,098 --> 00:50:18,933 and talk like that to my best earners. 1237 00:50:18,975 --> 00:50:20,393 People come in to see those guys. 1238 00:50:20,435 --> 00:50:21,853 Nobody comes in to see you 1239 00:50:21,894 --> 00:50:23,855 'cause nobody knows who the fuck you are! 1240 00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:25,898 Now here, take your money and get out of here 1241 00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:28,276 before I decide never to book you in this place again. 1242 00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:35,283 -Our first gig! (laughs) -Yeah! 1243 00:50:35,324 --> 00:50:37,326 ♪ ♪ 1244 00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:49,005 ♪ Where has the time all gone? ♪ 1245 00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,673 -Santé. -OTHERS: Santé. 1246 00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,722 Okay, boys, and the last round is on me. 1247 00:51:06,522 --> 00:51:08,900 ♪ We'll catch up ♪ 1248 00:51:08,941 --> 00:51:11,819 ♪ Some other time ♪ 1249 00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:24,665 ♪ Just when the fun is starting ♪ 1250 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:32,924 ♪ Comes the time for parting... ♪ 1251 00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:40,181 -♪ But let's be glad... ♪ -All set. 1252 00:51:40,223 --> 00:51:42,225 Oh, monsieur Weissman. 1253 00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:52,360 Good-bye, Marie. Au revoir. 1254 00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:55,780 Uh-huh. 1255 00:51:58,908 --> 00:52:01,327 I appreciated the extra towels. 1256 00:52:02,912 --> 00:52:05,915 ♪ Still to be done ♪ 1257 00:52:05,957 --> 00:52:09,794 ♪ But time is racing ♪ 1258 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:15,550 ♪ Oh, well ♪ 1259 00:52:15,591 --> 00:52:18,219 ♪ We'll catch up ♪ 1260 00:52:18,261 --> 00:52:21,138 ♪ Some other time... ♪ 1261 00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:23,641 Au revoir, Rose! 1262 00:52:25,935 --> 00:52:28,688 (speaking French) 1263 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,357 Bye-bye. 1264 00:52:31,399 --> 00:52:33,150 (voice breaking): Bye-bye. 1265 00:52:33,192 --> 00:52:36,571 -♪ We'll catch up ♪ -Bye-bye. 1266 00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:40,658 ♪ Some other ♪ 1267 00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:44,120 ♪ Time. ♪ 1268 00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:49,417 Zelda, the dean of admissions 1269 00:52:49,458 --> 00:52:50,918 will be coming for dinner tonight. 1270 00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,503 He heard about our trip to France 1271 00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:54,130 and wants to have something French. 1272 00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:56,007 -What can you make that's French? -Nothing. 1273 00:52:56,048 --> 00:52:58,301 What can you make that we can say is French, isn't, 1274 00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,719 -but he'll never know? -Goulash. 1275 00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:01,971 Perfect. 1276 00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,931 ETHAN: I'm done. 1277 00:53:03,973 --> 00:53:05,892 He ate his breakfast. How did that happen? 1278 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:07,435 I put chocolate chips in his eggs. 1279 00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:09,520 You're a genius. It's nice to have you home, Mama. 1280 00:53:09,562 --> 00:53:11,856 Miriam, will you be home for dinner? 1281 00:53:11,898 --> 00:53:13,316 We're having authentic French goulash. 1282 00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:14,692 I'm pulling a double shift today. 1283 00:53:14,734 --> 00:53:17,320 Well, we haven't seen much of you since we got back. 1284 00:53:17,361 --> 00:53:19,322 Never heard what you were up to while we were gone. 1285 00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:23,034 I have five to eight minutes. Want to give me the highlights? 1286 00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:26,954 Well, I just... 1287 00:53:26,996 --> 00:53:29,582 hung out. I hung out. 1288 00:53:29,624 --> 00:53:33,085 Okay. Good talk. I'll be home at 6:00. 1289 00:53:35,171 --> 00:53:36,631 See you later, Mama. 1290 00:53:38,633 --> 00:53:41,469 -So, you'll meet me at 10:00? -Meet you where? 1291 00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:43,471 -My office. -At Columbia? 1292 00:53:43,512 --> 00:53:46,557 Of course. We had this discussion, don't you remember? 1293 00:53:46,599 --> 00:53:48,184 I have absolutely no memory of this. 1294 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:51,312 They don't let women audit the art history classes 1295 00:53:51,354 --> 00:53:52,730 unless they're grad students. 1296 00:53:52,772 --> 00:53:54,649 However, I talked to the head of the department, 1297 00:53:54,690 --> 00:53:56,317 and he said he would make an exception 1298 00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:58,319 but wanted to know what classes. 1299 00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,237 What classes what? 1300 00:54:00,279 --> 00:54:01,364 What classes you wanted to audit. 1301 00:54:01,405 --> 00:54:02,740 For God's sake, keep up, woman. 1302 00:54:02,782 --> 00:54:06,452 -Are you serious? -I told him we'd come by at 10:15. 1303 00:54:06,494 --> 00:54:08,329 His office is right next to mine, 1304 00:54:08,371 --> 00:54:11,040 but I was taking into account your slow pace in those heels. 1305 00:54:11,082 --> 00:54:13,250 So, yes? 1306 00:54:13,292 --> 00:54:14,418 -Yes. -Good. 1307 00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,922 See you then. 1308 00:54:17,964 --> 00:54:21,258 Oh, and I signed us up for dance classes, Arthur Murray. 1309 00:54:21,300 --> 00:54:23,761 We can't be caught out again like that night on the Seine. 1310 00:54:23,803 --> 00:54:26,806 I mean, we were adorable, but our technique was terrible. 1311 00:54:30,226 --> 00:54:34,063 Zelda, we're gonna serve coq au vin tonight. I'll help. 1312 00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:37,066 What? What did you say? Did you say you'll help? 1313 00:54:37,108 --> 00:54:39,068 Help me cook? Are you feeling all right? 1314 00:54:39,110 --> 00:54:40,528 Should I call a doctor? 1315 00:54:40,569 --> 00:54:43,614 (man shouting in distance) 1316 00:54:46,701 --> 00:54:49,870 (glass breaking in distance) 1317 00:54:49,912 --> 00:54:51,872 ♪ The butcher, the baker ♪ 1318 00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:56,669 ♪ The grocer, the clerk are secretly ♪ 1319 00:54:56,711 --> 00:55:01,549 ♪ Unhappy men because ♪ 1320 00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:04,385 ♪ The butcher, the baker ♪ 1321 00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:06,804 ♪ The grocer, the clerk ♪ 1322 00:55:06,846 --> 00:55:09,265 ♪ Get paid for what they do ♪ 1323 00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:12,852 ♪ But no applause ♪ 1324 00:55:12,893 --> 00:55:15,980 ♪ They'd gladly bid their dreary jobs ♪ 1325 00:55:16,022 --> 00:55:18,816 ♪ Good-bye ♪ 1326 00:55:18,858 --> 00:55:22,236 ♪ For anything theatrical ♪ 1327 00:55:22,278 --> 00:55:24,822 ♪ And why? ♪ 1328 00:55:24,864 --> 00:55:27,199 Fuck. 1329 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:32,079 ♪ There's no business like show business ♪ 1330 00:55:32,121 --> 00:55:34,957 ♪ Like no business ♪ 1331 00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:38,085 ♪ I know ♪ 1332 00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,755 ♪ Everything about it ♪ 1333 00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:43,883 ♪ Is appealing ♪ 1334 00:55:43,924 --> 00:55:46,302 ♪ Everything that traffic ♪ 1335 00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:49,388 ♪ Will allow ♪ 1336 00:55:49,430 --> 00:55:54,310 ♪ Nowhere could you get that happy feeling ♪ 1337 00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:57,063 ♪ When you are stealing ♪ 1338 00:55:57,104 --> 00:56:00,107 ♪ That extra bow ♪ 1339 00:56:00,149 --> 00:56:03,152 ♪ There's no people ♪ 1340 00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:06,030 ♪ Like show people ♪ 1341 00:56:06,072 --> 00:56:07,990 ♪ They smile ♪ 1342 00:56:08,032 --> 00:56:12,036 ♪ When they are low ♪ 1343 00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:14,371 ♪ Even when they tell you ♪ 1344 00:56:14,413 --> 00:56:17,374 ♪ That your show will fold ♪ 1345 00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,211 ♪ You may be stranded ♪ 1346 00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:23,339 ♪ Out in the cold ♪ 1347 00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,758 ♪ Still you wouldn't change it ♪ 1348 00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,469 ♪ For a sack of gold ♪ 1349 00:56:28,511 --> 00:56:33,474 ♪ Let's go on with the show ♪ 1350 00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:44,902 ♪ There's no people ♪ 1351 00:56:44,944 --> 00:56:47,780 ♪ Like show people ♪ 1352 00:56:47,822 --> 00:56:50,366 ♪ They smile when ♪ 1353 00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:53,994 ♪ They are low ♪ 1354 00:56:54,036 --> 00:56:56,330 ♪ Yesterday they told you ♪ 1355 00:56:56,372 --> 00:56:59,416 ♪ You would not go far ♪ 1356 00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:02,211 ♪ That night you open ♪ 1357 00:57:02,253 --> 00:57:05,256 ♪ And there you are ♪ 1358 00:57:05,297 --> 00:57:08,008 ♪ Next day on your dressing room ♪ 1359 00:57:08,050 --> 00:57:10,845 ♪ They've hung a star ♪ 1360 00:57:10,886 --> 00:57:13,139 ♪ Let's go on ♪ 1361 00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:15,808 ♪ With the show. ♪ 102998

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.