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1
00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:50,885
Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!
2
00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:56,558
Reggie Jackson having
an incredible night.
3
00:00:56,641 --> 00:01:00,437
Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,
4
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,355
and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.
5
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:03,565
Reggie! Reggie!
6
00:01:03,690 --> 00:01:05,150
And just listen to that crowd.
7
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,152
Reggie! Reggie!
8
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:09,362
Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!
9
00:01:10,155 --> 00:01:12,073
Come on, Reggie!
Hit another one!
10
00:01:12,157 --> 00:01:13,616
Hit another home run!
11
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:15,827
Coop, he's already hit two.
12
00:01:16,995 --> 00:01:19,706
It's a fly ball
to right, and deep.
13
00:01:20,749 --> 00:01:23,626
That's going to be way back.
14
00:01:23,710 --> 00:01:27,046
And that's going to be gone!
Yeah!
15
00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:31,092
Reggie Jackson hits his
third home run of the game.
16
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,803
Whoo! All right!
17
00:01:42,729 --> 00:01:45,190
Good catch, Coop.
I can't believe it.
18
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:47,942
I mean, I totally had it,
but my glasses slipped.
19
00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:49,277
You know what, Remer,
20
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,779
someday I'm going to become
21
00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:52,030
a big sports star, too.
22
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,948
Whatever you say, Coop.
23
00:01:54,032 --> 00:01:57,035
You just watch me, dude.
You just watch me.
24
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:00,997
There was a time in America
25
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,291
when contests of
athletic prowess
26
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:06,252
were a metaphor for
the nobility of man.
27
00:02:06,503 --> 00:02:09,756
Historic moments, forged
by the love of the game,
28
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:13,384
celebrated the human potential
to achieve excellence.
29
00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:17,764
But as time passed and the
country neared the millennium,
30
00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,849
something went awry.
31
00:02:19,933 --> 00:02:23,019
- Manning rolls right.
- He's got to plow to the ten,
32
00:02:23,102 --> 00:02:26,648
the five... Touchdown Dallas!
33
00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:28,942
The ideal of sportsmanship
34
00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:33,196
began to take a back seat
to excessive celebration.
35
00:02:41,496 --> 00:02:44,374
The athletes caring less
about executing the play
36
00:02:44,457 --> 00:02:46,501
than planning
the vulgar grandstanding
37
00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:51,422
that inevitably followed even the
most pedestrian of accomplishments.
38
00:02:52,507 --> 00:02:57,428
The games themselves became
subordinate to the quest for money.
39
00:02:58,805 --> 00:03:01,015
Stadiums and arenas
40
00:03:01,099 --> 00:03:03,351
became nothing more
than giant billboards
41
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:05,603
to promote commercial products.
42
00:03:07,856 --> 00:03:11,067
Players sold their services
to the highest bidder,
43
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,611
much like the hired guns
of the Old West.
44
00:03:13,695 --> 00:03:16,447
Thank you. And after playing
for New England,
45
00:03:16,531 --> 00:03:21,452
San Diego, Houston, St. Louis, a
year for the Toronto Argonauts,
46
00:03:21,536 --> 00:03:23,955
plus one season as a greeter
at the Desert Inn,
47
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,876
I'm happy to finally play here
in the fine city of Miami.
48
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:30,503
Minnesota.
49
00:03:31,588 --> 00:03:33,840
Whatever. Shit.
50
00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:37,552
Soon it was commonplace for
entire teams to change cities
51
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:39,012
in search of greater profits.
52
00:03:39,095 --> 00:03:42,682
The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los
Angeles, where there are no lakes.
53
00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,476
The Oilers moved to Tennessee,
where there is no oil.
54
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,771
The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City,
where they don't allow music.
55
00:03:48,855 --> 00:03:52,775
The Oakland Raiders moved to
LA, and then back to Oakland.
56
00:03:52,859 --> 00:03:55,236
No one in Los Angeles
seemed to notice.
57
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,698
The search for greener
pastures went on unabated.
58
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,743
Continued expansion
diluted the talent pool,
59
00:04:01,826 --> 00:04:03,453
forcing owners
to recruit heavily
60
00:04:03,536 --> 00:04:07,165
from prisons, mental
institutions and Texas.
61
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:10,501
Fist fighting and brawling
permeated every sport,
62
00:04:10,627 --> 00:04:13,087
overshadowing any
athletic competition.
63
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,882
As the problems mounted,
64
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:19,802
the fans became less
and less interested.
65
00:04:19,886 --> 00:04:23,681
To reverse the trend, major
sports started inter-league play.
66
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:27,352
When that novelty wore off,
they tried inter-sports play.
67
00:04:29,771 --> 00:04:32,732
But no matter how far
the major sports went,
68
00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:35,818
it wasn't enough
to bring the fans back.
69
00:04:35,902 --> 00:04:38,988
The spirit of athletic
competition, however,
70
00:04:39,072 --> 00:04:40,823
indeed was not dead.
71
00:04:40,907 --> 00:04:45,286
Its seed merely lay dormant
in the dreams of the young.
72
00:04:45,662 --> 00:04:49,624
You know, Remer, someday I'm
going to be a big sports star.
73
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:58,049
You know, Remer, someday I'm
going to own a big sports bar.
74
00:04:59,217 --> 00:05:01,260
Hurry it up, Coop.
75
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:04,138
Hold on. I just got
to water the plants.
76
00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:09,286
I don't want to go to a party with a
bunch of losers from high school.
77
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,990
But, dude, this is
Brittany Kaiser's house,
78
00:05:11,062 --> 00:05:12,647
and I really,
really want to fuck her.
79
00:05:14,357 --> 00:05:16,442
Dr. Kaiser.
Dr. Kaiser.
80
00:05:16,526 --> 00:05:18,236
Coop and Remer.
81
00:05:19,612 --> 00:05:21,614
We graduated with Brittany.
82
00:05:21,698 --> 00:05:22,991
You graduated?
83
00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:25,994
Of course we graduated,
cock. Beer?
84
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:32,875
Man, this place looks like
a Dockers commercial.
85
00:05:32,959 --> 00:05:36,587
Oh, hey, Steph!
Coop! Remer!
86
00:05:36,671 --> 00:05:38,965
Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, my God!
87
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:42,051
You guys haven't
changed since high school.
88
00:05:42,135 --> 00:05:44,971
Oh, cool.
No, it isn't.
89
00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:49,308
Cock.
90
00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:53,062
Hey, Skidmark Steve! Oh, cool.
Hey, dude!
91
00:05:53,146 --> 00:05:55,481
You still just hanging out,
playing Nintendo?
92
00:05:55,565 --> 00:05:58,359
Well, if you must know, I'm in
my second year of med school
93
00:05:58,443 --> 00:06:00,361
and I'm training
for the Summer Games.
94
00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:04,407
What are you two up to?
Just hanging out.
95
00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,159
Playing Nintendo.
Cock.
96
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,221
So, you looking forward
to getting out of here?
97
00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:10,913
Yeah, I'm all packed.
It should be fun.
98
00:06:10,997 --> 00:06:12,582
Hi, Brittany.
99
00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:15,835
Coop, Remer.
100
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,463
I didn't think
you guys would show up.
101
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:21,674
Well, we wouldn't miss your party.
No, I mean...
102
00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:24,635
I don't remember putting you
on the guest list. Huh.
103
00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:27,138
Well, uh, Ted told us about it.
104
00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,182
Excuse me.
105
00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,642
Ted, why would you tell
those losers about my party?
106
00:06:31,726 --> 00:06:33,126
I... I didn't...
What are you doing?
107
00:06:33,186 --> 00:06:34,937
Man, this party sucks.
Let's bail.
108
00:06:35,063 --> 00:06:36,898
No, dude. Let's go up
to Brittany's room.
109
00:06:39,484 --> 00:06:41,402
Remer! Come in here.
110
00:06:42,487 --> 00:06:44,363
Check it out.
111
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,284
Brittany's underwear, dude.
112
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,453
Oh, dude.
113
00:06:52,622 --> 00:06:55,249
Dude! Dude! Dude! Oh!
114
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:57,585
Oh, I am so jealous of you.
115
00:06:57,752 --> 00:06:59,420
Oh, God!
116
00:07:02,131 --> 00:07:04,217
Excuse me.
Brittany.
117
00:07:05,176 --> 00:07:07,553
What are you guys doing
in my mom's room?
118
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,182
Aw!
119
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:14,185
Aw! Aw! Aw!
120
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,771
Get out of here!
Uh...
121
00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:19,941
Oh, geez!
Ugh...
122
00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:21,025
Uh... Derp!
123
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:26,381
Dude, we're never going to get a
chick like Brittany Kaiser, are we?
124
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,032
Or any other chick.
125
00:07:28,116 --> 00:07:30,159
But it's only 'cause
we have no jobs,
126
00:07:30,243 --> 00:07:32,286
and our rent check's
three months overdue,
127
00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:34,497
and our gas is
about to get shut off.
128
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,001
What do girls want anyway?
129
00:07:39,085 --> 00:07:42,255
Well, apparently,
not total losers.
130
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:44,799
We're pretty good at basketball.
131
00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:48,636
Yeah, as long as we don't have to
run or jump or dribble or nothing.
132
00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:49,887
You know what I mean?
133
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,889
That shit's overrated anyway.
Yeah.
134
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,141
Hey!
135
00:07:53,808 --> 00:07:56,686
You guys up for a little game?
Sure.
136
00:07:56,978 --> 00:07:58,813
Well, let's make it interesting.
137
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,398
Say 20 bucks?
138
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,567
How about 50?
139
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:05,570
- You're on. Let's go.
- Let's go, here we go.
140
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:07,321
Dude, we don't have 50 bucks.
141
00:08:07,405 --> 00:08:08,865
We don't have 20.
142
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,909
Look, it doesn't matter.
How good can they be?
143
00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:14,662
To the lane, baby!
That's pretty!
144
00:08:15,872 --> 00:08:16,998
Oh!
Come here, baby.
145
00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:18,207
Oh, shit!
146
00:08:18,249 --> 00:08:21,586
Alley-oop! Alley-oop!
Yeah! All right!
147
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:24,380
Come on, ladies.
We playing or not?
148
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:29,260
Yeah, but not that pussy ass two-on-two
you guys play in the suburbs.
149
00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:31,596
What, you guys got
something better?
150
00:08:31,721 --> 00:08:35,933
Yeah, but it's this new game
we picked up in the hood.
151
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:39,353
So, what is it?
Okay. Okay.
152
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,273
I shoot from
wherever I want, right?
153
00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:45,902
And then you have to make that same
shot or else you get a letter.
154
00:08:46,194 --> 00:08:48,070
You mean like Horse?
155
00:08:48,196 --> 00:08:50,615
No! It's not
like Horse!
156
00:08:53,117 --> 00:08:55,453
Duh. It's, uh...
157
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:58,289
It's baseball rules.
158
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,041
Yeah.
159
00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:02,126
Like, a single's from
the free throw line.
160
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:04,462
Right. And a double's
from the top of the key.
161
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,547
You can't shoot from
the same place twice.
162
00:09:06,631 --> 00:09:10,718
A triple's from back here, and a home
run's from behind the meatballs.
163
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,137
You miss, you get an out.
Ready? Break!
164
00:09:13,221 --> 00:09:15,890
Whoa. What? We can
explain it more slowly
165
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:19,101
if you need us to. You're
not big sports guys?
166
00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:23,272
No, no. No, no, no. We get it.
We get it, man.
167
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,234
Losers up first.
168
00:09:26,317 --> 00:09:29,320
So, what, let me get this straight.
This is a single, right?
169
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,489
Yeah, and a home run's
behind the meatballs.
170
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,574
Come on, take your shot, guy.
171
00:09:36,494 --> 00:09:37,930
What is that, man?
Oh, that's one out.
172
00:09:37,954 --> 00:09:39,306
You can't spit beer at me
when I'm shooting.
173
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:40,557
That's the way
we play in the hood.
174
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:42,059
I can do whatever I want
to make you miss your shot.
175
00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:43,751
He's right. That's one out.
One out.
176
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,086
One out?
177
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:47,630
Give me the damn ball!
178
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,177
I fucked your sister.
Huh?
179
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:58,516
Coop lines up for a double.
Okay, guys, second and third.
180
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:02,520
Coop's got a runner on third.
This could bring him home.
181
00:10:08,401 --> 00:10:09,986
Yes! Two outs!
God, this is...
182
00:10:10,069 --> 00:10:11,279
Come on!
183
00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:15,741
- Ted Nugent.
- Oh!
184
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:19,495
Oh! Tip-in. Double play.
That's three outs.
185
00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:20,663
What?
We're up.
186
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,707
That's a double play, jackass.
187
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,166
That's nice.
Real nice.
188
00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:26,585
Bottom of the eighth.
This could almost seal it.
189
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,172
Oh, he made that look easy.
190
00:10:33,426 --> 00:10:36,262
Damn it!
Come on, man! What...
191
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:39,348
Oh, one of Brittany's
mom's pubic hairs.
192
00:10:39,432 --> 00:10:40,725
Oh, God!
193
00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:44,228
Come on, man!
Dude, we win the game!
194
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:47,106
Dude, that was a sweet psyche out.
Oh, dude, here's another one.
195
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,734
Oh, come here. What the
hell's up with that?
196
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:53,237
We win, and they get the chicks.
That sucks, dude.
197
00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:56,157
Dude, I'm telling you, it's jobs.
We got to get jobs.
198
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,909
Then we get the khakis.
Then we get the chicks.
199
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:01,912
Starting tomorrow, we got
to stop playing games.
200
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,833
Miss it.
Steve Perry.
201
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:09,003
Steve Perry.
202
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:10,671
Yes! Three outs. I'm up.
203
00:11:10,755 --> 00:11:12,340
All right. It's the
bottom of the fifth.
204
00:11:12,423 --> 00:11:14,050
Joseph R. Cooper?
205
00:11:15,176 --> 00:11:16,844
That's a single.
Man on first.
206
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,012
Are you Joe Cooper?
207
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,056
Cut the crap, Squeak.
You know who I am.
208
00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:22,576
Gentlemen, this form authorizes
me to enter onto your property
209
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,976
and terminate services forthwith
210
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:25,912
until all delinquent payments
have been generated.
211
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,023
What? Dude, he's here
to shut off the gas.
212
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:32,443
Squeak, dude, you work
for the gas company now?
213
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:35,279
Gentlemen... Double! Guy
on second and third.
214
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,450
Is your canine locked up and/or
safely secured within your domicile?
215
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,120
Uh, yeah. He's at the vet
getting his claws removed.
216
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:44,872
Then if you'll excuse me.
217
00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,875
Dude, does it
just suck being you?
218
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,544
I'll show those guys what sucks.
219
00:11:50,628 --> 00:11:52,713
Steve Perry.
Steve Perry.
220
00:11:52,797 --> 00:11:54,924
I should have been gone
221
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,135
- Oh, yeah, he misses.
- Oh, damn it.
222
00:11:58,219 --> 00:11:59,845
You said no more
Journey psyche outs.
223
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,222
Dude, I'm running out of ideas.
224
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:06,995
It should be easier than that...
225
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,619
That's why we have
this little short shot
226
00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,606
from over here. Short shot.
Kind of like a bunt.
227
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,542
Exactly, it doesn't put any
runners on base. Oh, yeah.
228
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,818
Yeah, that's a sweet idea.
229
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,653
You lied to me!
Again!
230
00:12:16,487 --> 00:12:18,799
Oh, right. I guess the dog's vet
appointment's tomorrow, isn't it?
231
00:12:18,823 --> 00:12:21,492
We took the cat in today.
Honest mistake, Squeak. Sorry.
232
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,994
My name's not Squeak!
All right? It's Kenny!
233
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,847
All right, all right,
all right, you little bitch.
234
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:27,498
Here, why don't you take a shot.
235
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,503
I don't want to take a shot.
I want to turn off your gas.
236
00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:34,255
And don't call me bitch.
237
00:12:34,338 --> 00:12:36,424
Okay. Squeak.
Let's just shoot for it.
238
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:39,176
Shoot for it?
What, are you insane?
239
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,053
This is my job, you assholes.
240
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:42,304
Look, it's a good deal.
241
00:12:42,388 --> 00:12:44,390
All you got to do is make
a single from right here
242
00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:48,185
and you can shut off our gas, and
we'll never call you Squeak again.
243
00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:49,854
Or bitch.
244
00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:51,730
Or bitch.
Or bitch.
245
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:57,778
- From right here?
- Mmm-hmm.
246
00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,699
All right.
Check this shit out.
247
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,951
Steve Perry.
Huh?
248
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,372
Tough break, Squeak.
249
00:13:08,456 --> 00:13:10,082
Now you got to fetch
the ball, bitch.
250
00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:18,549
Come on, Squeak! We can win
the game with this one, baby.
251
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:20,134
Bring me home.
252
00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:24,555
- Yes! That's it!
- We win the game!
253
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,934
Dude, we got five
runs that inning.
254
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,203
You know,
this game is pretty badass.
255
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,729
All right.
Another game? You're up.
256
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,731
Top of the first.
257
00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:36,901
Yo, Tyler. I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak.
258
00:13:37,026 --> 00:13:38,569
What? Oh!
259
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,863
Mark me down for another
psyche out. Hey.
260
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,448
I'm not going out
with his sister.
261
00:13:42,573 --> 00:13:44,384
Dude, that's the defense.
You got to psyche them out!
262
00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:46,168
Yeah, we've got to say
totally fucked up shit
263
00:13:46,202 --> 00:13:47,429
to make sure
the other guy misses.
264
00:13:47,453 --> 00:13:49,371
Oh, right. Okay.
265
00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:50,581
Hey, wait a minute!
266
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:53,000
Why is me going out with his
sister totally fucked up?
267
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,628
Yo, Pierce. I hear your mom
is going out with Squeak!
268
00:13:55,711 --> 00:13:56,754
Whoa!
269
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,714
Oh, yes!
Two outs!
270
00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:00,567
Okay, so you're going to owe
one-twelfth of the rent,
271
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:02,569
one-twelfth of the water bill,
one-twelfth of the power bill,
272
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,137
one-twelfth of the cable bill...
Dude! Check it out.
273
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:07,264
What's that?
It's a BASEketball.
274
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,309
Whoa, dude, you made a ball?
Out of what?
275
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:17,816
Dude, I can't believe
those asswipes fired you
276
00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:20,110
for not shutting off
our gas for six weeks.
277
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,404
It was losing the truck that
pissed them off the most.
278
00:14:22,488 --> 00:14:24,615
Well, you can camp
out here for a while.
279
00:14:24,782 --> 00:14:26,617
Well, this is pretty sweet.
280
00:14:26,951 --> 00:14:28,536
Does this couch
fold out to a bed?
281
00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:31,330
Yeah, a totally great bed.
But that's Jenkins' bed.
282
00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:33,123
Your bed's over here.
283
00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:37,211
Dude, that is so fucking weak!
284
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,338
How am I supposed
to get a chick in that?
285
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:40,982
Oh, don't worry, dude.
You couldn't get a chick
286
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,467
if you had a hundred dollar bill
hanging out of your zipper.
287
00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:46,345
Yeah, I could. No, dude.
You're a little bitch.
288
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,180
I am not!
289
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,116
I don't even know why I
hang out with you guys.
290
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:53,060
'Cause you're a piece of shit.
I am not a piece of shit!
291
00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:54,996
Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Sure are.
292
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:59,608
God damn it, man! I swear, you guys
rip on me 13 or 14 more times,
293
00:14:59,692 --> 00:15:01,110
I'm out of here!
294
00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:04,989
Yeah, whatever. Dude, I got to
show you this scoreboard I made.
295
00:15:05,823 --> 00:15:08,075
Your place is a shithole anyway!
296
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,915
Well, at least I'm on the team.
297
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,544
Yeah. They want me...
298
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,965
Joe Bryant, WIGN.
299
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:25,175
At the scene where an
unusual new driveway game
300
00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:27,487
has captured the imagination of
at least one neighborhood...
301
00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:29,155
The young and old
have gathered here tonight,
302
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:30,490
really enjoying
this championship game...
303
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:33,183
An entire league has sprung
up around this quirky...
304
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:37,688
The round robin, starting with 12
teams in June, now down to just two,
305
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:41,692
including, we're told, the inventors
of the game, childhood friends...
306
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,695
It's off the rim,
could be a double play.
307
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,989
Maxwell tips...
308
00:15:49,158 --> 00:15:51,201
Newman's try...
309
00:15:52,036 --> 00:15:55,539
No! Shirts have a shot
at the conversion.
310
00:15:57,166 --> 00:15:58,709
Remer...
311
00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,130
Keeps it alive.
312
00:16:03,631 --> 00:16:04,882
Last chance.
313
00:16:05,341 --> 00:16:07,343
Coop up...
314
00:16:08,552 --> 00:16:10,721
Good! They make
the conversion!
315
00:16:10,846 --> 00:16:15,059
And the home run counts!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
316
00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:20,814
Yeah!
317
00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:22,483
What a game!
318
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:26,570
The Shirts win the World
Championship of BASEketball!
319
00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:28,113
Yeah!
320
00:16:29,073 --> 00:16:30,574
Gentlemen.
321
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,117
Gentlemen.
322
00:16:33,744 --> 00:16:36,330
Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.
323
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,582
Ted Denslow, the billionaire?
Yes.
324
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:42,086
Anyway, I like your little game here.
How'd you like to go pro?
325
00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:44,088
BASEketball?
326
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:47,966
I got three words for you,
National BASEketball League.
327
00:16:48,384 --> 00:16:51,345
We're not interested. Now, wait a minute.
Hear me out.
328
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:54,973
Now, you kids with your loud
music and your Dan Fogelberg,
329
00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:58,852
your Zima hula hoops
and Pac Man video games,
330
00:16:58,936 --> 00:17:00,479
don't you see?
331
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:02,856
People today
have attention spans
332
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:06,110
that can only be measured
in nanoseconds.
333
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,323
I hear you.
334
00:17:11,407 --> 00:17:12,950
Just look at these people.
335
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,326
Whoa!
336
00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:16,429
I can see they feel...
Way to go, Coop.
337
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,747
...a certain connection
with you as players.
338
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,209
BASEketball, we can start fresh.
339
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:28,006
Not allow teams to change
cities or players to be traded.
340
00:17:28,132 --> 00:17:30,342
And everybody will
get paid the same!
341
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,887
Just like when I was a kid, and
players were treated like, like...
342
00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:35,347
Indentured servants?
343
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:41,687
Yes! And the real beauty of
this game is anyone can play.
344
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,690
Any normal Joe
can be a sports hero.
345
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:46,984
Haven't you ever wanted
to be a sports hero?
346
00:17:48,152 --> 00:17:51,864
Sure, once. But that
was a long time ago.
347
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,533
Well, if I know anything
about this country,
348
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,994
America will go nuts
for BASEketball!
349
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,954
I mean America will go
crazy for BASEketball!
350
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,414
Help! Oh my God!
351
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:05,544
Yes! There! Just listen to that crowd!
Listen to that crowd!
352
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:07,337
Call an ambulance!
353
00:18:12,551 --> 00:18:16,430
I say she never cared
and that she never will
354
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:21,685
To do it all again, I guess
I'll have to wait until then
355
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:26,106
If I get drunk, well, the
better I'll understand my baby
356
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,817
You won't bother me no more
357
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:35,407
And if you're drinkin', well, you know
that you're my friend, and I'll say
358
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:37,826
I think I'll have myself a beer
359
00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:52,424
Ninth inning, the Beers still
behind by 3 runs, and now
360
00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:53,759
down to their last out.
361
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:57,346
And the pressure on these
players has got to be enormous.
362
00:18:57,429 --> 00:19:00,140
All right, you guys,
we've got one out left.
363
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:02,267
We're not beat yet,
we can still win this thing.
364
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,727
- Can we do it?
- Yeah!
365
00:19:03,811 --> 00:19:05,062
- Can we do it?
- Yeah!
366
00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:09,650
And what a game
these fans are seeing.
367
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,611
That gentleman, of course,
Beers owner Ted Denslow,
368
00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:15,197
the father of
professional BASEketball,
369
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,407
along with his
lovely new wife, Yvette.
370
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:24,623
- Now shooting, number 44,
- Coop "Airman" Cooper!
371
00:19:25,249 --> 00:19:28,669
- Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
- Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
372
00:19:28,961 --> 00:19:31,505
Coop is heading for the triple
square, and Bob Costas,
373
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:35,968
this has to be one of the most exciting
BASEketball games in recent memory.
374
00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:40,013
Hard to believe that just five years ago
this game was played only on driveways.
375
00:19:40,097 --> 00:19:42,266
And it's hard to believe,
just 5 years ago,
376
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,643
those girls were
only in grade school.
377
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:51,942
So Coop at the triple line, and
Jansen sets up for the psyche out.
378
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,112
Hey, Coop!
Be right with you, Dirk.
379
00:19:56,864 --> 00:19:58,866
- It's good!
- Oh, nothing but net.
380
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:00,325
Coop triples again.
381
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,161
He's hit for the cycle seven times tonight.
Damn, he tricked me!
382
00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:12,421
Go, Coop! Way to go, man!
You're the man!
383
00:20:12,588 --> 00:20:16,008
And listen to those Foam
Heads doing the Beers chug.
384
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:18,802
- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
385
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:20,804
Coop's on third with two down,
386
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,890
and that brings up
Squeak Scolari.
387
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,618
Oh, God, I knew it was going to
come down to me. I just knew it!
388
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:27,769
Relax, dude, it's not
just you. We're a team!
389
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:29,688
And it all comes down
to just one man.
390
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:30,898
Oh, God!
391
00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:32,661
Listen to me, dude,
if I could have one guy
392
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:34,401
out there right now,
one guy, it'd be you!
393
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:37,446
Unfortunately, that one man
is Squeak Scolari.
394
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:40,073
Oh, shit! Listen, pretend
this is just another game.
395
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:43,160
This Denslow Cup is of course
the biggest game of the season.
396
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,495
Oh, Christ! Will you
turn that shit off?
397
00:20:45,621 --> 00:20:47,640
I'm so scared! Man, I... Listen
to me, you little bitch!
398
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,309
You either go out there
and make that shot,
399
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,435
or I'm going to shove your head
400
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:52,645
so far up your fucking ass, you
have to wear yourself as a hat!
401
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:55,130
And in the dugout, Doug
Remer giving his teammate
402
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,840
some last-minute
encouragement.
403
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:01,678
Now go out there
and make that shot!
404
00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,016
Fuck!
405
00:21:10,938 --> 00:21:15,025
The talented Felon Girls appearing
in their third Denslow Cup game.
406
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:22,032
- Now shooting, number 23,
- Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari.
407
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:26,578
Let's go
408
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:29,957
So Squeak Scolari walks out to
take the last remaining single.
409
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,001
Come on, bitch!
410
00:21:33,835 --> 00:21:35,879
Hey Squeak, miss it!
Miss it!
411
00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:40,717
It's good! And the Beers
stay alive in the ninth.
412
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,931
Dallas Felons owner Baxter Cain
413
00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:47,975
hoping for another
Denslow Cup victory.
414
00:21:48,392 --> 00:21:53,355
- Now shooting, number 17,
- Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!
415
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:58,402
Two on, two out. Remer
heads to the double line.
416
00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:01,989
Hey, Remer! You better make sure
your toe isn't over the line!
417
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:06,368
Hey, Jansen! Nice psyche
out, dingleberry! Yes!
418
00:22:06,702 --> 00:22:09,162
It's in!
It's now a two-run game.
419
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:12,499
Dirk Jansen apparently
missing another psyche out.
420
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:16,420
And everyone here at Beers
Garden is on their feet.
421
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:18,755
Coop! Coop! Coop!
422
00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:20,340
And now, at a time like this,
423
00:22:20,424 --> 00:22:22,759
you can't help thinking
about guys like John Elway.
424
00:22:22,843 --> 00:22:25,762
Guys who kept coming close,
and then finally got there.
425
00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:31,518
If Coop can make this one, the
Beers' long wait will be over.
426
00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:36,356
Hey, Coop! Looks like your boy
Denslow is about to buy the farm.
427
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,235
Whoa!
428
00:22:40,277 --> 00:22:43,113
Oh! He missed! He missed,
I don't believe it.
429
00:22:43,238 --> 00:22:46,158
The Felons win their
2nd consecutive Denslow Cup
430
00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:48,785
on the strength of a Dirk
Jansen psyche out. Aw!
431
00:22:48,869 --> 00:22:50,996
I got you, dude, I got you!
432
00:22:51,121 --> 00:22:53,206
Whoa, whoa! Relax, dude!
Relax! What?
433
00:22:53,290 --> 00:22:54,374
Do the Happy Dance.
434
00:22:54,458 --> 00:22:56,060
Why do you want me to do this?
We just lost the game!
435
00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:59,421
Do the Happy Dance!
Where's the singing?
436
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:01,798
Aw! I don't want to sing! Do the singing!
Come on, sing.
437
00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:05,302
Doing the Happy Dance
Doing the Happy Dance
438
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:08,472
Shit, Denslow!
439
00:23:08,597 --> 00:23:11,224
And these Beers fans
have to be disappointed.
440
00:23:11,308 --> 00:23:15,062
What an unfortunate thing
to happen on Dozen Egg Night.
441
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:23,320
Help me! Somebody help him!
My God!
442
00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:25,083
Mrs. Denslow, if there's
anything you need.
443
00:23:25,155 --> 00:23:26,406
Oh, Teddy.
444
00:23:26,490 --> 00:23:28,950
I can't believe it.
He just fell over.
445
00:23:29,284 --> 00:23:31,620
Mrs. Denslow?
Mrs. Denslow!
446
00:23:32,829 --> 00:23:35,248
I wish there was
something I could do!
447
00:23:35,499 --> 00:23:37,084
I know, Mr. Denslow,
448
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:38,936
they stopped serving them
after the seventh inning.
449
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,171
Somebody get this man a hot dog!
450
00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:48,804
You're absolutely right,
Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero,
451
00:23:48,887 --> 00:23:50,931
because his vision
brought BASEketball
452
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,016
from neighborhood driveways
into big arenas,
453
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:55,119
but more importantly, into the
hearts and TVs of America.
454
00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,269
It's a very sad day.
455
00:23:56,394 --> 00:23:59,147
Yee-haw! His untimely death
cast an unbearable pall
456
00:23:59,231 --> 00:24:00,524
over an otherwise sweet victory.
457
00:24:00,732 --> 00:24:04,277
Yes, and all of our hearts are with
you and your family on this...
458
00:24:04,986 --> 00:24:09,741
Dirk Jansen, winner of the
Winner's Warm Douche MVP Trophy.
459
00:24:09,825 --> 00:24:11,385
What's your take
on this stunning upset?
460
00:24:11,409 --> 00:24:14,162
I think the whole key to the game
was when I psyched out Coop!
461
00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:16,748
No doubt about it! And all you
people watching out there...
462
00:24:16,832 --> 00:24:18,917
I can't believe this guy!
He didn't psych me out!
463
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,545
Yeah, if anyone should get the
psyche out it should be Denslow.
464
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:22,838
Dude, weak.
465
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,383
Oh, Coop, Coop. I know this
is a dark time for you,
466
00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:29,136
but I'd like to get your
thoughts on what happened today.
467
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:33,849
Well, Tim, today I lost the big
game and, uh, a dear friend.
468
00:24:33,932 --> 00:24:37,602
Um, I'm feeling pretty
vulnerable right now.
469
00:24:37,686 --> 00:24:38,955
Uh, I don't think
I should be alone.
470
00:24:38,979 --> 00:24:40,397
I really need people
to talk to...
471
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,526
It certainly does seem to be raining
shit on Joe Cooper right now.
472
00:24:44,609 --> 00:24:47,529
On paper, the Beers had
the far superior team
473
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,322
with the outside
shooting of Coop
474
00:24:49,406 --> 00:24:51,116
and the deadly
accuracy of Doug Remer.
475
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,617
What happened out there?
476
00:24:52,701 --> 00:24:56,079
Uh, well, it was a team effort,
and I guess it took every player
477
00:24:56,163 --> 00:24:58,415
working together
to lose this one.
478
00:24:58,498 --> 00:25:00,375
Thanks, Doug.
And so...
479
00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:02,752
Hey! Want to do
an interview with me?
480
00:25:02,836 --> 00:25:04,004
No.
481
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:06,923
So another BASEketball
championship is in the books.
482
00:25:07,007 --> 00:25:09,551
Yet another opportunity
lost for the Beers.
483
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:12,012
Man, I got to go.
484
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:16,892
Hey, Coop? Coop!
Hey, what's going on?
485
00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:19,603
Coop? Coop! Hey, Coop!
Coop, help!
486
00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:22,731
This is Tim McCarver from Beers
Garden, where the Dallas Felons
487
00:25:22,814 --> 00:25:26,943
have defeated the Milwaukee
Beers in Denslow Cup IV
488
00:25:27,027 --> 00:25:29,779
by the score of 13 to 11.
489
00:25:29,863 --> 00:25:30,989
Everybody in?
490
00:25:32,866 --> 00:25:34,242
One at a time.
Shotgun!
491
00:25:35,911 --> 00:25:38,246
Please!
Can we, please?
492
00:25:38,622 --> 00:25:40,457
- There he is!
- Coop!
493
00:25:40,749 --> 00:25:42,709
- Oh, man!
- Oh, cool.
494
00:25:42,834 --> 00:25:44,794
Can we talk to him?
Yeah, can we stay?
495
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:46,254
There! There!
Please, Miss Reed.
496
00:25:48,173 --> 00:25:50,967
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.
497
00:25:51,176 --> 00:25:53,803
Would you mind signing a couple
of autographs for the kids?
498
00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:56,598
I think you're looking for the
Dallas locker room, it's over there.
499
00:25:56,681 --> 00:25:59,392
Oh, I know,
but it was so crowded.
500
00:25:59,476 --> 00:26:02,729
I mean, um, they would really
rather have your autograph.
501
00:26:02,812 --> 00:26:05,899
Really? Anyway, would
you mind signing these?
502
00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:07,859
Uh, sure.
503
00:26:13,031 --> 00:26:14,616
Uh, it's nice
to meet you, Miss...
504
00:26:14,699 --> 00:26:16,368
Reed. Jenna Reed.
505
00:26:16,451 --> 00:26:18,578
Joe Cooper. Coop.
I know.
506
00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:21,623
Are all these kids with you?
Oh, yeah.
507
00:26:21,706 --> 00:26:24,060
Yeah. I've been the director of
the Dream Come True Foundation
508
00:26:24,084 --> 00:26:25,627
since October.
509
00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:28,380
Oh, the ones that grant wishes
to sick and dying kids, right?
510
00:26:28,463 --> 00:26:30,173
Oh, well, we prefer
to think of them
511
00:26:30,257 --> 00:26:33,385
as health-challenged
and survival-impaired.
512
00:26:33,510 --> 00:26:36,638
So, you're a big fan of BASEketball?
No, not really.
513
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:37,931
I mean, the kids are big fans.
514
00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:40,225
I try and keep them
interested in things
515
00:26:40,308 --> 00:26:42,060
that are a little
more permanent.
516
00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:43,520
Permanent?
517
00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:46,982
Well, you know how professional
athletes come and go these days.
518
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:48,918
Well, not in BASEketball.
There's rules against it.
519
00:26:48,942 --> 00:26:50,986
Well, hello.
520
00:26:51,069 --> 00:26:53,655
Oh, uh, Miss Reed,
this is Remer.
521
00:26:53,738 --> 00:26:56,074
Would you like a fresh pretzel?
522
00:26:56,658 --> 00:26:58,326
I baked it myself.
523
00:26:58,410 --> 00:27:00,328
Oh. Thank you.
524
00:27:00,412 --> 00:27:02,497
It goes great with mustard.
Okay.
525
00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:04,249
Miss Reed? Miss Reed?
526
00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,602
Dude, you didn't make
that pretzel, did you?
527
00:27:06,626 --> 00:27:08,795
Of course not, but chicks
like guys who can cook.
528
00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:11,298
Didn't you know that?
What?
529
00:27:11,381 --> 00:27:13,061
See, it works. She was
checking out my ass.
530
00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:14,843
She wasn't checking out
your ass.
531
00:27:14,926 --> 00:27:16,261
All set then?
532
00:27:16,344 --> 00:27:18,054
Well, I better get
these kids back.
533
00:27:18,138 --> 00:27:19,639
Little Travis is
getting impatient.
534
00:27:19,723 --> 00:27:22,392
Hey, I love kids.
Which one's Travis?
535
00:27:22,475 --> 00:27:24,978
Here. Heads up,
big guy.
536
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:26,855
Are you all right, Travis?
537
00:27:26,938 --> 00:27:28,440
I think he's sleeping.
538
00:27:28,523 --> 00:27:30,692
God, he needs a little
work on the hands.
539
00:27:30,775 --> 00:27:33,194
- He's blind, Doug.
- Ah!
540
00:27:36,197 --> 00:27:39,367
Felons fans rejoiced in their
team's Denslow Cup victory
541
00:27:39,451 --> 00:27:41,911
with a huge celebration
in downtown Dallas.
542
00:27:41,995 --> 00:27:45,290
Final tally,
14 injured, three dead.
543
00:27:46,291 --> 00:27:49,169
And on a sad note, the sports
world was devastated tonight
544
00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:51,463
by the passing of Ted Denslow.
545
00:27:51,546 --> 00:27:54,841
By all accounts, the late Beers
owner seemed to be the only one
546
00:27:54,924 --> 00:27:56,468
surprised by his death.
547
00:27:56,551 --> 00:28:00,722
And it appears time just finally
ran out for the old cocksucker.
548
00:28:01,222 --> 00:28:04,142
Theodore Denslow, dead at 85.
549
00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:06,644
His hairpiece was 24.
550
00:28:09,272 --> 00:28:12,484
These chaps I wore
in Rooting Tooting Rhythm
551
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:14,903
I bequeath to my nephew Herman.
552
00:28:15,487 --> 00:28:18,406
Hope he looks
as snappy in them as I did.
553
00:28:18,948 --> 00:28:23,119
And this poncho that kept me
dry during the filming of...
554
00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:25,372
Mrs. Denslow?
Baxter Cain.
555
00:28:25,455 --> 00:28:27,332
May I sit down?
Of course.
556
00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:31,211
My deepest sympathy on your great loss.
Thank you, Mr. Cain.
557
00:28:31,294 --> 00:28:34,506
My valuable hand-painted plate
commemorating the Pope's visit
558
00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:38,802
to Dodger Stadium,
I leave to my niece Susan.
559
00:28:38,885 --> 00:28:42,389
Limited edition,
signed in the mold,
560
00:28:42,472 --> 00:28:46,017
with a photocopied certificate
of authenticity.
561
00:28:46,101 --> 00:28:48,061
Jenna.
This six-shooter I wore...
562
00:28:48,186 --> 00:28:52,982
What are you doing here? Well,
I'm not sure. I got this letter.
563
00:28:53,066 --> 00:28:54,150
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
564
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:57,779
And the toothbrush
used to clean the oats...
565
00:29:00,824 --> 00:29:03,159
Clumsy idiot!
Where's the body?
566
00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:06,037
They buried him two days ago.
This is the will reading.
567
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:10,166
Oh. Well, in that case...
These are for you, Jenna.
568
00:29:10,250 --> 00:29:12,710
Now as a special
gift of charity,
569
00:29:12,794 --> 00:29:15,171
I bequeath these season tickets
570
00:29:15,255 --> 00:29:18,049
to the Dream Come
True Foundation.
571
00:29:18,133 --> 00:29:19,259
Thank you.
572
00:29:19,342 --> 00:29:20,927
I want you to know I had nothing
573
00:29:21,010 --> 00:29:23,304
but respect for
your late husband.
574
00:29:23,388 --> 00:29:25,890
Unfortunately, he was the one
person who stood in the way
575
00:29:25,974 --> 00:29:27,892
of making any kind of
changes in BASEketball
576
00:29:27,976 --> 00:29:31,020
that might increase
the owner's profits.
577
00:29:32,522 --> 00:29:35,817
I can't imagine what he
had against making money.
578
00:29:36,818 --> 00:29:40,113
I trust that quality
isn't sexually transmitted.
579
00:29:43,616 --> 00:29:47,996
That's pretty sweet, huh? Yeah.
The kids will be very excited.
580
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:50,790
Especially little Joey.
Joey?
581
00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,335
Well, he's such
a big fan of yours.
582
00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:56,021
You know, he's going
into the hospital next week,
583
00:29:56,045 --> 00:29:57,505
and he had begged me to ask you
584
00:29:57,589 --> 00:29:59,024
if you'd come by
for a visit sometime,
585
00:29:59,048 --> 00:30:00,609
but, you know what,
it's not a good idea.
586
00:30:00,633 --> 00:30:02,594
Oh, I'd love to come by.
587
00:30:02,677 --> 00:30:04,596
Hey, I'll come by.
I like hospitals.
588
00:30:04,679 --> 00:30:06,139
No, you don't.
You like Taco Bell.
589
00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:08,117
No, really, I went to this
hospital one time in France
590
00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:09,410
and got together with
this really hot chick.
591
00:30:09,434 --> 00:30:11,352
Dude, that was a hostel.
Oh, yeah.
592
00:30:11,436 --> 00:30:14,814
And finally, of course,
my beloved Beers,
593
00:30:14,898 --> 00:30:20,570
I bequeath controlling
interest to Joseph R. Cooper.
594
00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:24,782
Yes! We own the team!
595
00:30:24,866 --> 00:30:28,703
I gave him the best
three months of my life.
596
00:30:28,912 --> 00:30:30,288
Sweet!
597
00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:32,790
Way to go, dude!
598
00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:33,917
And, Coop?
599
00:30:34,626 --> 00:30:36,336
Yes, Mr. Denslow?
600
00:30:37,712 --> 00:30:41,799
I know you have it in you to lead
the Beers to victory this season,
601
00:30:41,883 --> 00:30:45,887
because if you don't,
the team reverts to Yvette.
602
00:30:47,138 --> 00:30:49,307
Don't feel badly
about losing the team.
603
00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:52,602
I believe this is merely
a temporary situation.
604
00:30:53,394 --> 00:30:55,230
Thank you, Mr. Cain.
605
00:30:55,480 --> 00:31:00,026
It's nice to have a strong,
handsome man like you on my side.
606
00:31:00,944 --> 00:31:04,864
Well, yes. I'd love to discuss
this further with you.
607
00:31:04,948 --> 00:31:07,242
Why don't you visit sometime?
608
00:31:08,034 --> 00:31:11,829
Maybe we could, uh,
lay some carpet,
609
00:31:13,206 --> 00:31:15,208
if you know what I mean.
610
00:31:15,291 --> 00:31:18,753
At this time, I'd like to ask
everyone to leave the room,
611
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:21,714
so I can have
a private moment with Coop.
612
00:31:25,718 --> 00:31:28,805
Now that we're alone, Coop, there's
something I wanna tell you.
613
00:31:28,888 --> 00:31:30,557
Remember when you had the crabs,
614
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:34,602
and the only thing that made you
feel better was this lotion?
615
00:31:34,686 --> 00:31:36,896
Well, I found another
use for it.
616
00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:40,483
It feels so good,
it makes me wanna sing.
617
00:31:40,567 --> 00:31:43,319
Just like that night we
spent in the tattoo parlor
618
00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:45,446
in Chicago. Come on, baby.
619
00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:47,991
I'm too sexy for my shirt
620
00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:50,076
Too sexy for my shirt
621
00:31:50,159 --> 00:31:52,412
So sexy it hurts
622
00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:56,416
And I'm too sexy for my car
623
00:31:56,499 --> 00:31:58,376
Too sexy for my car
624
00:31:58,459 --> 00:32:01,254
Too sexy by far
625
00:32:01,337 --> 00:32:02,714
You getting this?
626
00:32:13,808 --> 00:32:15,685
That's two rooms done.
627
00:32:15,768 --> 00:32:17,687
Boy, those corners are tricky.
628
00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:20,189
You've done a fine job, Yvette.
629
00:32:21,024 --> 00:32:24,068
Now, as I was saying, I think
I've come up with a plan
630
00:32:24,152 --> 00:32:27,655
to make sure that Coop
never wins that Denslow Cup.
631
00:32:27,739 --> 00:32:30,366
Oh. So, then the team
will be mine?
632
00:32:30,450 --> 00:32:33,119
Yes.
That's wonderful, Baxter.
633
00:32:33,995 --> 00:32:35,514
Do you want me to move on
to the conference room?
634
00:32:35,538 --> 00:32:37,332
Uh, no. Not yet.
635
00:32:37,415 --> 00:32:40,877
But, you know, I think my lobby
636
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,503
could use a good buffing,
637
00:32:42,587 --> 00:32:44,213
if you know what I mean.
638
00:32:44,297 --> 00:32:46,591
Mmm. I know exactly
what you mean.
639
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,469
Oh! Oh, no, no, no!
640
00:32:49,552 --> 00:32:50,678
Oh, God!
641
00:32:51,971 --> 00:32:53,056
God, I can't do this shit!
642
00:32:55,558 --> 00:32:57,101
And the Beers coming up to bat
643
00:32:57,185 --> 00:33:00,104
for the first time in this
season opener against Miami,
644
00:33:00,188 --> 00:33:03,483
a game they have
dedicated to Ted Denslow.
645
00:33:03,650 --> 00:33:07,570
The team wearing black in
memory of the late Beers owner.
646
00:33:08,738 --> 00:33:11,824
The Beers cheerleaders
also mourning the loss.
647
00:33:32,804 --> 00:33:36,724
Dude, it's a whole different
ballgame now that you own the team.
648
00:33:36,808 --> 00:33:40,478
Yeah. I was just thinking.
Denslow was right.
649
00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:44,107
This season could be different.
We just gotta kick some ass.
650
00:33:44,190 --> 00:33:46,484
We're playing to keep this team.
You up for it?
651
00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:48,820
Dude, I'm in.
All or nothing.
652
00:33:55,660 --> 00:33:57,537
And joining us in
the booth this evening,
653
00:33:57,620 --> 00:34:00,289
big fan of BASEketball,
Tony Nocciolino,
654
00:34:00,373 --> 00:34:03,251
who plays, as you know,
Latino cut-up Scooter
655
00:34:03,334 --> 00:34:05,270
on the new hit comedy series,
What's the Difference,
656
00:34:05,294 --> 00:34:08,381
airing between Recycled Junk,
starring Lisa Campbell,
657
00:34:08,464 --> 00:34:12,427
and Same Old Crap, featuring
teen heartthrob Mark Svenson.
658
00:34:12,510 --> 00:34:14,053
All part of
the great fall line-up
659
00:34:14,137 --> 00:34:16,597
on our network's "Who gives
a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
660
00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:19,517
And, Tony, it is great
to have you with us.
661
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:20,852
So, Miami takes the field,
662
00:34:20,935 --> 00:34:23,396
and we're underway here tonight.
663
00:34:23,479 --> 00:34:25,356
Coop steps into
the single square.
664
00:34:27,150 --> 00:34:30,236
- Bonehead!
- Coop! Coop! Coop!
665
00:34:30,319 --> 00:34:32,155
Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop!
666
00:34:32,238 --> 00:34:35,700
It's good. And the Beers are off
to a promising start tonight.
667
00:34:36,909 --> 00:34:39,328
And this game is made
all the more special
668
00:34:39,412 --> 00:34:42,707
by the fact it's Free-Range
Chicken Night.
669
00:34:42,790 --> 00:34:44,625
The Beers up by two,
but the Dealers
670
00:34:44,709 --> 00:34:46,335
are threatening here
with one out,
671
00:34:46,419 --> 00:34:49,172
and that brings up
Enrique Hernandez.
672
00:34:50,548 --> 00:34:53,926
- Psyche out! Psyche out!
- Psyche out! Psyche out!
673
00:34:54,010 --> 00:34:56,262
Psyche out!
Hernandez, look.
674
00:34:57,221 --> 00:35:00,308
It's fat liposuctioned
out of Marlon Brando's ass.
675
00:35:01,476 --> 00:35:04,270
Uh... Aw! No.
What am I doing here?
676
00:35:06,731 --> 00:35:10,401
Aw! It's all salty and warm.
Oh, why would I do this?
677
00:35:11,027 --> 00:35:12,278
Aw! This guy ate
a lot of pork.
678
00:35:13,321 --> 00:35:14,363
Aw!
679
00:35:14,614 --> 00:35:15,782
Muy bueno!
680
00:35:17,408 --> 00:35:18,618
Damn it!
681
00:35:18,701 --> 00:35:20,453
Dude, I thought it was
a killer psyche out.
682
00:35:20,578 --> 00:35:24,624
Really? So sick. Shake it off.
Shake it off. I got this guy.
683
00:35:24,707 --> 00:35:26,000
Yo, Gomez.
684
00:35:26,125 --> 00:35:27,460
Psyche out!
685
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,337
Got milk?
686
00:35:32,298 --> 00:35:34,884
Oh, yeah,
you like that, don't you?
687
00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:39,138
- Coop tips, and it's good!
- Double play. Beers win.
688
00:35:39,847 --> 00:35:43,100
And Remer still nailing down
that psyche out.
689
00:35:50,650 --> 00:35:52,527
Dude, we totally kicked ass.
690
00:35:52,610 --> 00:35:54,362
Yeah, and this is just a start.
691
00:35:54,445 --> 00:35:56,072
Doug, could you sign my chicken?
692
00:35:56,155 --> 00:35:58,533
Joe Cooper.
Baxter Cain.
693
00:35:58,616 --> 00:36:00,743
Oh, Cain. Yeah,
Denslow told me about you.
694
00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:02,012
I want to take this opportunity
695
00:36:02,036 --> 00:36:03,704
to welcome you to our
community of owners.
696
00:36:03,788 --> 00:36:06,499
And if there's anything that you
need, don't hesitate to ask.
697
00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:07,875
Thanks, dude. Later.
698
00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:09,436
Oh, Coop, we're going
to be voting next week
699
00:36:09,460 --> 00:36:12,046
on making some changes
in BASEketball's rules.
700
00:36:12,129 --> 00:36:14,149
I want to be able to tell the
others that you're with us.
701
00:36:14,173 --> 00:36:16,300
Why? I think BASEketball's
fine the way it is.
702
00:36:16,384 --> 00:36:17,718
Of course, in some respects.
703
00:36:17,802 --> 00:36:21,222
But until we allow teams to move
cities and players to change teams
704
00:36:21,305 --> 00:36:24,058
and take advantage of
lucrative corporate tie-ins,
705
00:36:24,141 --> 00:36:26,143
I'm afraid you
and your colleagues
706
00:36:26,227 --> 00:36:29,105
are going to have to
continue working for...
707
00:36:32,191 --> 00:36:33,651
Chicken poo?
Ugh!
708
00:36:34,819 --> 00:36:36,863
Feed. Chicken feed.
709
00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:40,491
Coop, the ball is in your court.
710
00:36:40,575 --> 00:36:44,120
In order for those rules to change,
every owner has to vote yes.
711
00:36:44,203 --> 00:36:47,582
And Denslow was already filthy rich.
He didn't need the changes.
712
00:36:47,665 --> 00:36:49,375
But you do.
713
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:50,938
Look, I appreciate
what you're saying,
714
00:36:51,002 --> 00:36:54,672
but you're asking me to go against
every reason we created this game.
715
00:36:54,755 --> 00:36:56,799
Well, before you make
any hasty decisions,
716
00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:58,718
I suggest you discuss it
with your teammate.
717
00:36:58,801 --> 00:37:02,138
I don't have to. We're best friends.
We think alike.
718
00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:04,157
Look, I'm sorry, but if you
want unanimous consent,
719
00:37:04,181 --> 00:37:06,421
you're gonna have to get it
from one of the other owners.
720
00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:17,278
Are we gonna kick their ass?
721
00:37:19,155 --> 00:37:20,489
Yeah!
Yeah!
722
00:37:20,615 --> 00:37:23,701
We gonna take these mooks out or what?
Yeah! Let me handle this one!
723
00:37:23,784 --> 00:37:25,620
In the river, baby!
No doubt about it!
724
00:37:25,703 --> 00:37:27,163
Come on!
725
00:37:27,246 --> 00:37:30,291
Yo, Coop! Your mother's
a terrible cook!
726
00:37:35,838 --> 00:37:37,882
Oh, yeah!
Damn!
727
00:37:37,965 --> 00:37:39,800
Pew, pew, pew! I'm gonna
kick your ass, man.
728
00:37:39,884 --> 00:37:41,052
Easy.
729
00:37:50,937 --> 00:37:52,104
Can't gross me out, Remer.
730
00:37:52,188 --> 00:37:54,815
Oh, yeah?
Well, check out Coop.
731
00:38:17,630 --> 00:38:19,090
Hey, Zane,
732
00:38:20,049 --> 00:38:21,676
I wanna feel you
733
00:38:23,010 --> 00:38:24,136
deep inside me.
734
00:38:25,304 --> 00:38:27,181
Yes!
735
00:38:27,264 --> 00:38:29,892
You can't do that!
That's not fair, man!
736
00:38:29,976 --> 00:38:31,018
Ooh!
737
00:38:31,227 --> 00:38:33,521
Oh, come on, Zane.
That was...
738
00:38:34,021 --> 00:38:35,981
That was fair, you know.
Come on. Let's play ball.
739
00:38:36,857 --> 00:38:40,194
Hey, Watson, have you seen
those, uh, beer commercials,
740
00:38:40,403 --> 00:38:43,197
how to speak San Franciscan?
741
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,157
Hey! Hey!
Vagina!
742
00:38:45,866 --> 00:38:48,744
Not fair!
That's bullshit, man!
743
00:38:48,828 --> 00:38:52,415
No. That wasn't a gay joke. That
was an Australian joke. Aw! Aw!
744
00:38:57,420 --> 00:39:00,256
Shoot 'em up Shoot 'em up, boys
745
00:39:00,381 --> 00:39:02,466
Bang, bang Whoo, whoo
746
00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:07,054
Yeah, ride 'em, ride 'em
Ride 'em, ride 'em
747
00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:10,141
Come on, let's do it! All right.
What do we always say?
748
00:39:10,224 --> 00:39:13,144
- One, two, three...
- Fuck the Mexicans!
749
00:39:19,233 --> 00:39:21,152
Guess I'll take my shot now.
750
00:39:21,235 --> 00:39:23,154
Sure hope I make it,
so I can get home quick
751
00:39:23,237 --> 00:39:24,822
and smack my wife
in the eye, yepper.
752
00:39:24,905 --> 00:39:26,240
Shut up, Remer.
753
00:39:26,323 --> 00:39:28,451
Shut your mouth, bitch.
I'll...
754
00:39:29,994 --> 00:39:32,246
Yeah! Yes! All right!
755
00:39:32,329 --> 00:39:34,999
Take that, Remer!
Aw, shit!
756
00:39:57,730 --> 00:39:59,523
Oh, my eye! My eye!
757
00:40:01,025 --> 00:40:02,735
You're sick, Cooper!
758
00:40:03,486 --> 00:40:04,695
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
759
00:40:09,700 --> 00:40:11,827
"If a woman wants a mate
who is responsive,
760
00:40:11,911 --> 00:40:14,914
"she will reveal to him the
secret of a woman's duality.
761
00:40:14,997 --> 00:40:17,291
"She will tell him
about the interior woman,
762
00:40:17,374 --> 00:40:19,627
"that one who added
to herself makes two."
763
00:40:22,588 --> 00:40:25,216
Hi. I didn't
expect that you'd come.
764
00:40:25,841 --> 00:40:28,135
I just thought I'd come say hi
to our little friend Joey.
765
00:40:28,219 --> 00:40:30,137
Oh. Well, you know
what, he's sleeping,
766
00:40:30,221 --> 00:40:31,740
and I really wanted
to finish this book.
767
00:40:31,764 --> 00:40:33,724
Well, maybe it'll
make him feel better.
768
00:40:33,808 --> 00:40:35,309
Uh, well...
Joey?
769
00:40:36,811 --> 00:40:39,313
Joey?
Look who's here.
770
00:40:40,314 --> 00:40:42,191
My biological father?
771
00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:44,944
No, dude, it's me, Joe Cooper.
772
00:40:45,027 --> 00:40:47,154
Coop? Coop,
is it really you?
773
00:40:47,238 --> 00:40:48,405
Yeah, it's me.
774
00:40:48,489 --> 00:40:50,616
Wow. I watched
all your road games.
775
00:40:50,699 --> 00:40:52,409
Your psyche outs were the best.
776
00:40:52,493 --> 00:40:53,953
Thanks, dude. Right on.
777
00:40:54,036 --> 00:40:55,621
Coop, what's a "vagina"?
778
00:40:55,704 --> 00:41:00,209
Uh, so, uh, what seems to be
the problem with you, guy?
779
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,753
I'm... I'm going to die.
780
00:41:02,837 --> 00:41:04,130
Well, we're all gonna die.
781
00:41:04,213 --> 00:41:06,340
Yeah, but not this week.
782
00:41:07,174 --> 00:41:09,802
Joey, what did I tell you
about staying positive?
783
00:41:09,885 --> 00:41:12,930
Besides, your donor liver's
due to arrive today.
784
00:41:13,013 --> 00:41:14,306
Oh, hey, look what
I brought you.
785
00:41:15,599 --> 00:41:18,561
Wow! A La-Z-Boy! Yeah, I
made it myself, you know.
786
00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:20,800
If I had a nickel for every time
787
00:41:20,855 --> 00:41:22,249
this ball pulled me
out of a tight spot,
788
00:41:22,273 --> 00:41:24,692
I'd have a shitload of nickels.
789
00:41:25,484 --> 00:41:28,904
Gee, Coop, I wanna be just
like you when I grow up.
790
00:41:29,321 --> 00:41:31,699
Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna.
791
00:41:32,032 --> 00:41:34,535
Just like you take it, non-fat
milk, low fat whipped cream,
792
00:41:34,618 --> 00:41:36,495
and a little sprinkle
of cinnamon.
793
00:41:36,579 --> 00:41:37,955
Thank you, Doug.
794
00:41:38,038 --> 00:41:40,749
And I baked you fresh
poppy seed muffins, too.
795
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:46,839
Give me a break.
Poppy seed muffins.
796
00:41:46,922 --> 00:41:49,025
I thought you had your electrolysis
appointment this morning.
797
00:41:49,049 --> 00:41:51,468
I did. Here. Look.
Check it out.
798
00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:56,390
Hey, listen, partner,
799
00:41:56,473 --> 00:41:58,809
I talked to the people at the
Dream Come True Foundation,
800
00:41:58,893 --> 00:42:01,645
and they want to
make your last wish...
801
00:42:01,729 --> 00:42:05,065
Your... Well, they want to
make your dream come true,
802
00:42:05,149 --> 00:42:06,859
as long as it doesn't
involve, like,
803
00:42:06,942 --> 00:42:09,278
a miracle cure or
something like that.
804
00:42:09,361 --> 00:42:12,781
Well, hell, the guys on death
row only get a meal, right?
805
00:42:12,865 --> 00:42:15,910
Uh, so... So,
what's your dream?
806
00:42:15,993 --> 00:42:19,496
Well, I've always dreamed
of big game hunting.
807
00:42:19,580 --> 00:42:21,290
How about killing
an endangered species,
808
00:42:21,373 --> 00:42:23,792
like a bald eagle
or a giant panda?
809
00:42:23,876 --> 00:42:26,212
Well, Joey, I don't think
that's in the true spirit
810
00:42:26,295 --> 00:42:27,546
of the Foundation.
811
00:42:27,630 --> 00:42:29,673
Well, then, how about
poisoning the reservoir?
812
00:42:29,757 --> 00:42:31,926
I know. How about
throwing flesh-eating fish
813
00:42:32,009 --> 00:42:34,053
into a public swimming pool?
814
00:42:34,136 --> 00:42:36,639
I don't think you're quite
getting the point, dude.
815
00:42:36,722 --> 00:42:38,974
Come on, Joey.
Search your heart.
816
00:42:39,058 --> 00:42:40,559
What's the one thing
that you want
817
00:42:40,643 --> 00:42:42,853
more than anything else
in the world?
818
00:42:44,939 --> 00:42:46,607
Chelsea Clinton.
819
00:42:48,484 --> 00:42:50,194
That's a pretty
tall order, dude.
820
00:42:50,277 --> 00:42:52,780
You'd have
a better shot at Bill.
821
00:42:53,614 --> 00:42:55,574
You have any backup dreams?
822
00:42:55,658 --> 00:42:58,035
Well, there is one other thing.
823
00:42:58,452 --> 00:43:01,247
Could I just once... Could I
hang out with the team?
824
00:43:01,330 --> 00:43:04,500
Just spend a day with
the Beers. Could I, Coop?
825
00:43:05,376 --> 00:43:07,294
Oh, I don't know.
826
00:43:07,378 --> 00:43:09,171
And Miss Reed, too.
827
00:44:13,485 --> 00:44:15,904
No! No! No!
828
00:44:20,576 --> 00:44:22,661
Down the hatch. Bartender.
829
00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:31,879
This has been so fun. I feel like
I'm gonna puke all over the bar.
830
00:44:34,214 --> 00:44:35,883
Oh, look, Jerry Springer.
831
00:44:35,966 --> 00:44:38,344
Here she is,
your daughter-in-law, who...
832
00:44:38,427 --> 00:44:40,971
No. She's my son's wife.
Get that.
833
00:44:41,221 --> 00:44:44,516
Whoa! Nicole.
Let's say hi to Nicole.
834
00:44:46,143 --> 00:44:48,562
Okay. Okay. We'll drink every
time a fight breaks out.
835
00:44:48,645 --> 00:44:49,730
All right.
All right.
836
00:44:49,813 --> 00:44:52,024
Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry! Jerry!
837
00:44:52,107 --> 00:44:53,734
Hey, you bitch!
838
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,819
Oh, fight, fight, fight.
839
00:44:57,654 --> 00:44:58,697
Back off, bitch!
840
00:44:58,822 --> 00:45:02,284
Oh, you want some of this?
Come on! You fat...
841
00:45:02,785 --> 00:45:03,994
Fight!
842
00:45:08,999 --> 00:45:10,793
I'm gonna kill you!
843
00:45:13,629 --> 00:45:16,006
You see, Joey,
dreams really do come true.
844
00:45:31,230 --> 00:45:33,524
You're the best, Coop.
Yeah.
845
00:45:34,525 --> 00:45:37,111
Oh, man, it's late.
We've got a game tonight.
846
00:45:37,194 --> 00:45:39,988
And you've got that
big liver operation.
847
00:45:40,072 --> 00:45:41,323
Yeah, but...
848
00:45:41,407 --> 00:45:44,201
What, dude? Don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.
849
00:45:44,284 --> 00:45:47,162
I just know I could
pull through if...
850
00:45:47,246 --> 00:45:48,372
If what, dude?
851
00:45:48,455 --> 00:45:50,791
Joey, you just say it
and Coop will do it.
852
00:45:50,874 --> 00:45:53,335
Could you, Coop? Do you think
you could hit a home run
853
00:45:53,419 --> 00:45:55,212
for me in tonight's game?
854
00:45:55,295 --> 00:45:57,047
Well, dude...
Come on, Coop.
855
00:45:57,131 --> 00:45:59,383
It's not like he's asking you
to hit two home runs.
856
00:45:59,466 --> 00:46:02,177
Two? Can you hit
two home runs?
857
00:46:02,261 --> 00:46:05,597
Of course he could. This is Coop
Cooper you're talking about here.
858
00:46:05,681 --> 00:46:08,767
Hell, he could hit three home
runs if he wanted to, huh, Coop?
859
00:46:08,851 --> 00:46:10,602
Three? All right.
860
00:46:12,062 --> 00:46:15,649
Remer, can I talk to you over
there real quick? Thanks.
861
00:46:16,275 --> 00:46:19,987
Hey, you know, Joey, I've hit my
fair share of home runs, too.
862
00:46:20,070 --> 00:46:23,907
That's nice, but Coop's gonna
hit three home runs for me.
863
00:46:23,991 --> 00:46:25,033
That's great, Joey.
864
00:46:25,159 --> 00:46:27,119
I think Coop's the greatest guy
865
00:46:27,202 --> 00:46:28,912
in the whole wide world.
866
00:46:28,996 --> 00:46:30,747
Yeah, he's a major dude,
all right.
867
00:46:30,831 --> 00:46:32,499
Hey, I feel much better now.
868
00:46:33,750 --> 00:46:35,502
Mr. Squeak?
What?
869
00:46:36,128 --> 00:46:38,005
What grade are you in?
870
00:46:38,505 --> 00:46:41,216
Hey, anybody call a taxi?
871
00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:42,468
Yeah, I called a taxi.
872
00:46:42,551 --> 00:46:45,220
We gotta get going if I'm gonna
hit those three home runs.
873
00:46:45,304 --> 00:46:48,015
Don't you worry. From now on,
everything's gonna be A-okay.
874
00:46:48,098 --> 00:46:51,643
Gee, Coop, this is the best
day of my entire life.
875
00:46:54,146 --> 00:46:56,190
Oh, my, what a story this is.
876
00:46:56,273 --> 00:47:01,069
Little Joey Thomas undergoing a
lifesaving operation tonight.
877
00:47:02,029 --> 00:47:05,032
The fans here, of course,
all wearing yellow ribbons
878
00:47:05,115 --> 00:47:07,784
in support of
this brave little boy.
879
00:47:09,453 --> 00:47:12,873
And his hero, Joe Cooper,
promising to hit three home runs,
880
00:47:12,956 --> 00:47:17,044
a promise that could mean the
difference between life and death
881
00:47:17,127 --> 00:47:19,338
for this brave little boy.
882
00:47:19,421 --> 00:47:23,217
Hey, Pete, what's the
matter with Coop tonight?
883
00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,760
I don't know, but he's 1 for 11
884
00:47:24,843 --> 00:47:26,261
and he smells like
Christian Slater.
885
00:47:26,345 --> 00:47:27,679
Coop in the home run circle,
886
00:47:27,763 --> 00:47:29,306
getting ready to take his shot.
887
00:47:29,389 --> 00:47:31,475
It's up. It's good!
888
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,561
Coop sinks his second
home run of the game.
889
00:47:43,070 --> 00:47:44,863
His blood sugar's
way up since yesterday.
890
00:47:44,947 --> 00:47:47,157
Has there been any change
in his fluid intake?
891
00:47:47,241 --> 00:47:49,409
Sweet Jesus! His sodium
level's through the roof!
892
00:47:49,493 --> 00:47:51,036
It's the strangest thing.
893
00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:54,081
He's eight years old, and he
smells like Robert Downey Jr.
894
00:47:54,790 --> 00:47:57,292
Ninth inning. Everyone's
stomach in knots here
895
00:47:57,376 --> 00:47:59,711
as Coop steps up
for his last at bat.
896
00:47:59,836 --> 00:48:02,464
Coop! Coop! One more chance
for that third home run.
897
00:48:02,548 --> 00:48:05,092
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
898
00:48:07,135 --> 00:48:09,388
Hey, she's here, man,
that girl from the bar.
899
00:48:09,471 --> 00:48:11,473
That's a guy.
What?
900
00:48:12,349 --> 00:48:14,601
A guy?
Yeah, that's a dude.
901
00:48:15,060 --> 00:48:16,395
No way, you're just saying that
902
00:48:16,478 --> 00:48:17,813
'cause you want her
for yourself.
903
00:48:17,896 --> 00:48:20,899
No, dude, I'm saying that
because she's a guy.
904
00:48:20,983 --> 00:48:23,485
It's impossible.
Just look at her.
905
00:48:23,569 --> 00:48:28,323
She's got the cutest little
upturned nose, the softest lips,
906
00:48:28,407 --> 00:48:30,534
the sweetest Adam's apple.
907
00:48:33,078 --> 00:48:36,456
Yeah. I think I can smell
her perfume from here.
908
00:48:45,215 --> 00:48:49,761
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
909
00:48:55,976 --> 00:48:57,853
Coop calls for quiet.
910
00:48:57,936 --> 00:49:00,355
One more chance for
that third home run.
911
00:49:02,316 --> 00:49:03,817
He's in deep focus
out there, Bob.
912
00:49:03,900 --> 00:49:06,069
This obviously
means a lot to him.
913
00:49:10,198 --> 00:49:12,868
He shoots!
It's going, going...
914
00:49:12,951 --> 00:49:15,495
Looks like Coop has made
a dream come true
915
00:49:15,579 --> 00:49:18,707
for a very brave little...
916
00:49:23,420 --> 00:49:28,342
Wow. The Lord must really have
it in for that little boy.
917
00:49:31,678 --> 00:49:35,265
Oh, why? Why? Why?
918
00:49:35,349 --> 00:49:37,851
Come on, Coop.
It's over.
919
00:49:37,934 --> 00:49:41,146
Poor Joey. Why?
I'm sorry, dude.
920
00:49:41,229 --> 00:49:42,856
If you're looking
for Joey Thomas,
921
00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:44,775
he's been moved next door.
922
00:49:44,900 --> 00:49:46,109
Oh.
Hey!
923
00:49:49,404 --> 00:49:51,365
Oh, my God!
924
00:49:52,699 --> 00:49:55,202
Oh, why? Why? Why?
925
00:49:55,285 --> 00:49:57,412
Gentlemen, he's in this room.
926
00:50:00,540 --> 00:50:02,876
Joey! Joey!
927
00:50:02,959 --> 00:50:04,294
I'm here for you, dude.
928
00:50:04,378 --> 00:50:06,505
The operation went fine.
929
00:50:06,588 --> 00:50:09,633
I mean, just after your game,
we thought he was suffocating.
930
00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:11,510
He kept screaming,
"Choke! Choke!"
931
00:50:11,593 --> 00:50:14,346
Then he lost consciousness.
He'll be fine in the morning.
932
00:50:14,429 --> 00:50:18,225
But don't stay too long.
He needs his sleep.
933
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,103
Joey, I'm sorry I missed
that third home run.
934
00:50:21,228 --> 00:50:25,273
But remember how I said that
dreams really do come true?
935
00:50:25,357 --> 00:50:26,525
Well, they don't.
936
00:50:28,318 --> 00:50:30,678
Coop, he's awake! I think he's
trying to tell you something.
937
00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:32,864
What is it, Joey? What?
938
00:50:32,948 --> 00:50:34,908
Hey, he's turning blue.
939
00:50:34,991 --> 00:50:36,427
Oh, my God!
This poor kid's freezing.
940
00:50:36,451 --> 00:50:38,829
He needs a blanket.
Where's a blanket?
941
00:50:38,912 --> 00:50:40,098
Sir, sir. Can I
borrow your blanket?
942
00:50:40,122 --> 00:50:41,682
Don't worry, I'm here
for you too, Joey.
943
00:50:41,790 --> 00:50:45,001
Sir, let me borrow your blanket!
944
00:50:45,085 --> 00:50:48,171
Here you go, little buddy.
This should keep you warm.
945
00:50:48,296 --> 00:50:50,257
Holy mother of God!
He's flatlining!
946
00:50:50,340 --> 00:50:52,092
- You killed him.
- Oh, my God!
947
00:50:52,175 --> 00:50:53,677
I didn't kill him.
Dude, you missed
948
00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:55,971
the third home run
and you killed him.
949
00:50:56,054 --> 00:50:58,432
No! No, I'm not going
to give up on this kid!
950
00:50:58,557 --> 00:50:59,951
- Coop, calm down, man.
- Come on, Joey.
951
00:50:59,975 --> 00:51:01,017
Come back to me.
952
00:51:01,101 --> 00:51:03,019
Coop, get a hold of yourself.
Coop, no!
953
00:51:03,103 --> 00:51:04,146
Leave me alone!
954
00:51:04,229 --> 00:51:06,064
Live, damn it! Live!
955
00:51:06,148 --> 00:51:07,268
What the hell are you doing?
956
00:51:07,315 --> 00:51:10,068
Where are those little heart paddle
things that George Clooney uses?
957
00:51:10,152 --> 00:51:11,987
- Not those.
- Dude, let's just bail.
958
00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:14,406
Give me these things.
You're gonna kill him!
959
00:51:14,489 --> 00:51:16,074
Clear!
Clear!
960
00:51:18,076 --> 00:51:19,536
No pulse, Coop.
Crank up the voltage.
961
00:51:19,619 --> 00:51:20,996
10,000 volts.
Clear!
962
00:51:21,079 --> 00:51:22,247
Clear!
963
00:51:26,793 --> 00:51:29,171
Up it to 15,000!
15,000 volts.
964
00:51:29,254 --> 00:51:30,672
No!
Clear!
965
00:51:36,720 --> 00:51:37,989
Coop, do you know
what you're doing?
966
00:51:38,013 --> 00:51:40,223
What's it look like?
An execution?
967
00:51:40,307 --> 00:51:43,518
Damn it, man! I'm trying
to save an innocent life!
968
00:51:43,602 --> 00:51:46,146
I'm giving it
all I've got, Captain.
969
00:51:46,980 --> 00:51:48,940
I love you, always have.
970
00:51:51,151 --> 00:51:52,444
Clear!
971
00:51:54,654 --> 00:51:56,674
This isn't working. We gotta
try open heart massage.
972
00:51:56,698 --> 00:51:59,409
I need a rib separator and a scalpel.
Where do I cut?
973
00:51:59,493 --> 00:52:01,137
Start in the middle
and work your way around.
974
00:52:01,161 --> 00:52:03,413
He's a flat-liner.
Code blue, Nurse!
975
00:52:03,538 --> 00:52:06,958
Seventy ccs of
sodium pentothal, stat!
976
00:52:07,083 --> 00:52:09,461
I didn't kill him. Get away from him.
Get out of here.
977
00:52:09,544 --> 00:52:11,922
Cardiac syringe coming through!
978
00:52:20,555 --> 00:52:23,266
Hard left! Hard left!
What the...
979
00:52:27,479 --> 00:52:30,106
Reggie Jackson having an incredible night.
Reggie! Reggie!
980
00:52:30,190 --> 00:52:33,568
Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,
981
00:52:33,652 --> 00:52:36,655
and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.
982
00:52:36,738 --> 00:52:39,407
And you have to wonder just what
Charlie Hough must be thinking
983
00:52:39,491 --> 00:52:42,494
as Reggie steps into the
box here in the eighth.
984
00:52:42,577 --> 00:52:43,745
Reggie! Reggie!
985
00:52:43,829 --> 00:52:45,622
- There's a fly ball...
- Nature's fury
986
00:52:45,705 --> 00:52:48,917
when man and beast collide on the
back roads and byways of America.
987
00:52:57,926 --> 00:52:59,803
Aw!
988
00:52:59,886 --> 00:53:00,929
Aw!
989
00:53:01,596 --> 00:53:02,681
Aw!
990
00:53:06,226 --> 00:53:09,646
I can't believe those assholes
taped over the game.
991
00:53:09,938 --> 00:53:11,523
Aw!
992
00:53:13,608 --> 00:53:15,151
Aw! Aw!
993
00:53:19,114 --> 00:53:21,074
Jenna.
Hi.
994
00:53:21,157 --> 00:53:22,757
Oh, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
995
00:53:22,784 --> 00:53:26,663
No, no, I was just, uh,
fixing clam chowder.
996
00:53:26,746 --> 00:53:28,832
Uh, come in.
997
00:53:28,915 --> 00:53:31,877
Well, when you weren't at the
hospital, I came right over.
998
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:35,297
Apparently, there was some sort of
terrorist attack on the post-op ward.
999
00:53:35,380 --> 00:53:37,299
Terrorist?
Yeah.
1000
00:53:37,382 --> 00:53:40,385
Evidently, they were disguised
as BASEketball players.
1001
00:53:40,468 --> 00:53:42,053
They went on
some sort of rampage,
1002
00:53:42,137 --> 00:53:45,390
and I was so worried about Joey.
1003
00:53:45,473 --> 00:53:47,309
Was he, uh... Is he...
1004
00:53:47,392 --> 00:53:51,104
Oh, he's fine. He came through the
operation with flying colors.
1005
00:53:51,187 --> 00:53:52,314
All right!
1006
00:53:52,397 --> 00:53:55,859
With that new liver, he should be
peeing like a champ in no time, huh?
1007
00:53:55,942 --> 00:53:58,528
That's kidneys, Coop.
Oh.
1008
00:53:58,612 --> 00:54:01,072
Hmm.
Well, uh, have a seat.
1009
00:54:01,156 --> 00:54:02,699
I just wanted to stop by
and thank you
1010
00:54:02,782 --> 00:54:04,868
for all that
you've done for Joey.
1011
00:54:04,951 --> 00:54:07,037
Oh, it's nothing.
1012
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:11,791
I'm sure he's going to remember
this day for the rest of his life.
1013
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:14,544
Yeah, I don't doubt that.
1014
00:54:14,628 --> 00:54:18,590
Oh! What a great picture.
1015
00:54:18,673 --> 00:54:20,800
Look at you guys.
You seem so happy.
1016
00:54:20,884 --> 00:54:23,219
Yeah, I... I guess we were.
1017
00:54:23,303 --> 00:54:26,806
We were just best friends playing
ball in the driveway, you know?
1018
00:54:26,890 --> 00:54:29,267
Next thing I know, I'm on
ESPN and Wheaties boxes.
1019
00:54:29,351 --> 00:54:31,186
And I guess that's
all pretty sweet.
1020
00:54:31,269 --> 00:54:35,315
But nowadays,
since Denslow's been gone,
1021
00:54:35,398 --> 00:54:39,277
I'm in charge of the team,
and the whole league now.
1022
00:54:39,361 --> 00:54:41,279
Sometimes I forget
why I play the game.
1023
00:54:41,363 --> 00:54:44,240
Why do you play it, Coop?
1024
00:54:44,324 --> 00:54:45,533
Mr. October.
1025
00:54:45,617 --> 00:54:48,286
The guy in
the Chippendales calendar?
1026
00:54:48,370 --> 00:54:51,331
No, that was Dwayne Zackemore.
1027
00:54:51,414 --> 00:54:54,000
I mean, whoever it was
that month.
1028
00:54:55,794 --> 00:54:57,712
I, uh... I'm talking
about Reggie Jackson.
1029
00:54:57,796 --> 00:54:59,273
I saw him play in
a World Series once.
1030
00:54:59,297 --> 00:55:00,966
He hit three home
runs in one game.
1031
00:55:01,049 --> 00:55:04,010
I caught the third one
in the stands.
1032
00:55:04,094 --> 00:55:06,429
I remember growing up,
it meant so much to me.
1033
00:55:06,513 --> 00:55:08,974
All I ever dreamed of
was to be that guy,
1034
00:55:09,057 --> 00:55:11,017
have that one shining moment.
1035
00:55:12,268 --> 00:55:13,353
Be a hero.
1036
00:55:13,436 --> 00:55:17,232
You already are a hero, Coop.
1037
00:55:17,315 --> 00:55:20,026
You've won these
kids' hearts, but...
1038
00:55:21,111 --> 00:55:22,237
What?
1039
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:25,115
Well, I'm just worried about
getting attached.
1040
00:55:25,198 --> 00:55:30,120
I mean, the kids getting attached.
I don't want them to be hurt.
1041
00:55:30,203 --> 00:55:34,624
Jenna, I would never do
anything to hurt these kids.
1042
00:55:36,543 --> 00:55:39,087
But what Joey
really needs to know
1043
00:55:39,170 --> 00:55:42,757
is where are you
going to be next year?
1044
00:55:42,841 --> 00:55:44,342
Right here.
1045
00:55:44,426 --> 00:55:48,638
And the next year,
and the year after that.
1046
00:55:48,722 --> 00:55:51,057
Right up until Joey grows up
1047
00:55:52,934 --> 00:55:55,186
and gets a driver's license
1048
00:55:55,270 --> 00:55:59,649
and starts going out with girls
1049
00:55:59,733 --> 00:56:01,776
and meets the right one
1050
00:56:01,860 --> 00:56:04,738
and forgets about
BASEketball altogether.
1051
00:56:08,366 --> 00:56:11,077
Goes home,
does some push-ups,
1052
00:56:11,161 --> 00:56:12,721
fucks the sleeve of
his favorite jacket.
1053
00:56:12,746 --> 00:56:14,039
What?
Huh?
1054
00:56:15,498 --> 00:56:19,377
I'm just saying we'll be here for Joey.
I promise.
1055
00:56:19,461 --> 00:56:20,741
Oh, Coop, I want to believe you.
1056
00:56:20,795 --> 00:56:23,882
I want to believe you
more than anything...
1057
00:56:23,965 --> 00:56:27,010
Yo, Coop, check out all this cool
shit we got at the hospital!
1058
00:56:27,093 --> 00:56:28,845
Ooh, hey, Jenna.
Hey, Doug.
1059
00:56:28,928 --> 00:56:31,723
Wow. You're looking a little flushed.
Do you have a temperature?
1060
00:56:31,806 --> 00:56:34,184
No. I'm... I'm fine. Here, open
your blouse and say, "Ah."
1061
00:56:34,267 --> 00:56:36,770
Remer! Doug, I... I got to go.
1062
00:56:36,853 --> 00:56:39,689
No, Jenna... Aw! Yeah, I'm sorry.
I got to go.
1063
00:56:39,773 --> 00:56:41,232
Jenna! Aw!
1064
00:56:41,483 --> 00:56:42,692
Aw!
1065
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:46,196
Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead.
You totally fucked me there.
1066
00:56:46,279 --> 00:56:47,655
Dude, relax.
It was just a joke.
1067
00:56:47,739 --> 00:56:49,800
Dude, why don't you give it up.
She doesn't even like you.
1068
00:56:49,824 --> 00:56:51,343
Oh, you think she has
the hots for you?
1069
00:56:51,367 --> 00:56:53,554
Shit, Squeak here has a better
chance with her than you do.
1070
00:56:53,578 --> 00:56:55,830
Hey, you think? That's
low, you son of a bitch.
1071
00:56:55,914 --> 00:56:56,956
What? Why is that low?
1072
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:59,351
Dude, I know you're feeling jealous
right now, but you can't blame me
1073
00:56:59,375 --> 00:57:01,419
because I have a sweet ass.
I can't help it.
1074
00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:06,758
I'm doing the Happy Dance.
1075
00:57:06,841 --> 00:57:09,636
Doing the Happy Dance.
1076
00:57:09,719 --> 00:57:11,888
Does this thing work?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
1077
00:57:12,013 --> 00:57:13,157
Can you hear me in this?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
1078
00:57:13,181 --> 00:57:14,325
This is cool, here.
Check it out.
1079
00:57:14,349 --> 00:57:16,351
Asshole!
1080
00:57:17,435 --> 00:57:19,413
Do you want to get a sandwich?
Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
1081
00:57:19,437 --> 00:57:22,357
Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
Goddamn. Ugh!
1082
00:57:24,109 --> 00:57:26,111
Mr. Cain, Doug Remer
is here to see you.
1083
00:57:26,194 --> 00:57:28,738
Remer? I thought I asked
him to come tomorrow.
1084
00:57:28,863 --> 00:57:31,282
Well, yes, sir, but he's
here now in the trophy room.
1085
00:57:31,366 --> 00:57:34,035
- The trophy room?
- Mr. Cain...
1086
00:57:34,119 --> 00:57:37,122
Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain?
1087
00:57:37,205 --> 00:57:38,540
This is sweet.
1088
00:57:57,058 --> 00:57:58,935
Mr. Remer.
1089
00:57:59,060 --> 00:58:01,396
Oh, hey. Mr. Cain.
1090
00:58:01,479 --> 00:58:03,815
I see you've been admiring
my little museum.
1091
00:58:03,898 --> 00:58:05,483
Is... Is that really...
1092
00:58:05,567 --> 00:58:08,319
Yes. When I see something
I want, I get it.
1093
00:58:08,403 --> 00:58:09,797
Remind me the next time
you're here to show you
1094
00:58:09,821 --> 00:58:12,073
the prize in
the whole collection.
1095
00:58:12,157 --> 00:58:14,284
My autographed Ty Cobb bat.
1096
00:58:16,578 --> 00:58:19,122
I'm planning to expand
the museum out here next year.
1097
00:58:19,247 --> 00:58:21,082
Killer setup, Mr. Cain.
1098
00:58:21,166 --> 00:58:23,168
What do you pay in rent here?
Nothing. I own it.
1099
00:58:23,251 --> 00:58:25,837
Oh, that reminds me.
Can you break a 20?
1100
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:28,256
What, dollars?
I didn't think so.
1101
00:58:28,339 --> 00:58:30,008
Let me get straight
to the point, Don.
1102
00:58:30,091 --> 00:58:31,926
May I call you Don?
Yeah, I guess so.
1103
00:58:32,010 --> 00:58:34,512
Don, when I see one of
BASEketball's hottest stars
1104
00:58:34,596 --> 00:58:36,389
with less than
$20 in his pocket,
1105
00:58:36,472 --> 00:58:38,057
driving an American car
1106
00:58:38,141 --> 00:58:40,560
and sharing a small house
with two other guys,
1107
00:58:40,643 --> 00:58:42,896
you know what that says to me?
1108
00:58:42,979 --> 00:58:45,023
Homos?
No.
1109
00:58:45,106 --> 00:58:47,483
No, no. It says
you're underappreciated.
1110
00:58:47,609 --> 00:58:52,238
And underpaid! Oh, yeah, I mean,
I guess we are underpaid.
1111
00:58:52,322 --> 00:58:53,740
Well, I want to change all that.
1112
00:58:53,823 --> 00:58:56,201
Players of your caliber should
be making the big bucks.
1113
00:58:56,284 --> 00:58:58,536
Don't you agree?
1114
00:58:58,620 --> 00:59:01,206
Remer! Remer!
1115
00:59:02,624 --> 00:59:05,501
Try to stay with me on this, all right?
All right.
1116
00:59:05,585 --> 00:59:06,770
Now, last week,
I tried to get Coop
1117
00:59:06,794 --> 00:59:08,129
to agree to certain rule changes
1118
00:59:08,213 --> 00:59:10,506
that would make you millions.
1119
00:59:10,632 --> 00:59:12,717
Me? Millions? Uh-huh.
Now listen carefully.
1120
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:16,429
Do you think Shaq got
rich playing in Orlando?
1121
00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:19,349
Hardly. He made his
fortune moving to LA.
1122
00:59:19,432 --> 00:59:21,267
You know how much he makes now?
1123
00:59:21,351 --> 00:59:23,561
As much as he made
playing in college?
1124
00:59:23,645 --> 00:59:27,065
What? No! A lot more,
big money.
1125
00:59:27,190 --> 00:59:29,817
And you can, too! Would I
have to quit BASEketball?
1126
00:59:29,901 --> 00:59:33,279
What? No! I need you
to get Coop to go along!
1127
00:59:33,363 --> 00:59:35,073
He'd have to quit
BASEketball, too?
1128
00:59:40,203 --> 00:59:42,330
Did I just fart?
1129
00:59:51,256 --> 00:59:54,384
Top of the seventh, and
those cheers you're hearing
1130
00:59:54,467 --> 01:00:00,348
are from the nearly 15,000 on
hand here for Anal Probe Night.
1131
01:00:00,431 --> 01:00:03,434
So, two outs, and Doug Remer
heading for the triple square.
1132
01:00:03,518 --> 01:00:07,397
He's 0 for 12 so far tonight. In
fact, with the exception of Coop,
1133
01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:10,817
the Beers are ice cold.
1134
01:00:10,900 --> 01:00:14,737
Oh, man, that doesn't even
qualify as an air ball!
1135
01:00:14,821 --> 01:00:18,032
And the Beers
are gone in the seventh.
1136
01:00:18,116 --> 01:00:20,285
The Aliens now coming up
with the top of their order,
1137
01:00:20,368 --> 01:00:22,203
which, if you're scoring
at home,
1138
01:00:22,287 --> 01:00:25,373
is the same three guys
who came up last inning.
1139
01:00:25,456 --> 01:00:26,916
All right, what the
hell's going on?
1140
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,960
You guys are lying
down out there!
1141
01:00:29,043 --> 01:00:31,671
Oh, I get it.
You guys are pissed off.
1142
01:00:32,088 --> 01:00:33,965
Uh, why?
1143
01:00:34,966 --> 01:00:38,136
Dude, you turned down Cain's offer
without even talking to us.
1144
01:00:38,219 --> 01:00:39,929
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
1145
01:00:42,390 --> 01:00:44,434
All right,
what do you want, dude?
1146
01:00:44,517 --> 01:00:46,227
Dude, what do you think?
1147
01:00:46,311 --> 01:00:47,496
We invented this game together,
1148
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:49,105
but you get
to control everything.
1149
01:00:49,188 --> 01:00:50,291
Listen, Cain has some
pretty good ideas...
1150
01:00:50,315 --> 01:00:52,150
Dude, Denslow gave me
the team, all right?
1151
01:00:52,233 --> 01:00:53,961
I already told Cain no.
Dude, I'm sure Denslow
1152
01:00:53,985 --> 01:00:57,280
is happy in his little worm farm but...
Dude, I'm not going to do it.
1153
01:00:57,363 --> 01:00:58,841
All right, dude,
listen to me carefully.
1154
01:00:58,865 --> 01:01:01,034
Do you think Shaq got rich
playing in Orlando?
1155
01:01:01,117 --> 01:01:03,345
No, he got rich playing in college.
Everybody knows that.
1156
01:01:03,369 --> 01:01:05,496
Dude, it's not about the money.
1157
01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,373
It's about tradition.
1158
01:01:07,457 --> 01:01:10,668
Look, think about the greats
who have played this game.
1159
01:01:10,752 --> 01:01:12,545
It's because of them.
1160
01:01:12,628 --> 01:01:15,757
It's because of us, that I can't
bow down to a guy like Cain.
1161
01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:17,467
Dude, that's easy
for you to say,
1162
01:01:17,550 --> 01:01:19,230
because you got the team!
We got jack shit!
1163
01:01:19,302 --> 01:01:22,138
Even Squeak is pissed off! Oh,
hell, I never really minded...
1164
01:01:22,221 --> 01:01:24,766
Shut up, bitch! Dude, quit thinking
about yourself for a change!
1165
01:01:24,849 --> 01:01:27,602
Dude, I'm not gonna cave in.
End of story, dude.
1166
01:01:27,685 --> 01:01:28,895
Dude.
Dude!
1167
01:01:28,978 --> 01:01:30,063
Dude!
Dude!
1168
01:01:30,146 --> 01:01:31,189
Dude!
Dude!
1169
01:01:31,272 --> 01:01:32,440
Dude!
1170
01:01:32,523 --> 01:01:33,733
Dude.
1171
01:01:36,527 --> 01:01:38,279
Well, I guess
you've got a point there.
1172
01:01:38,363 --> 01:01:41,074
All right, look,
maybe I was wrong.
1173
01:01:41,157 --> 01:01:43,493
From now on,
we're full partners.
1174
01:01:43,576 --> 01:01:45,203
Really?
And you guys.
1175
01:01:45,286 --> 01:01:47,622
From now on, you all own
part of the team, too.
1176
01:01:47,705 --> 01:01:50,249
Really? You'd be willing
to do that for us?
1177
01:01:50,333 --> 01:01:53,169
Yeah, and that's not all. I'm
talking prime equity stock options,
1178
01:01:53,252 --> 01:01:56,047
comprehensive health care,
full dental, traveling HMO,
1179
01:01:56,130 --> 01:01:57,483
and the first 20 weeks
of psychiatric care
1180
01:01:57,507 --> 01:01:59,258
free of charge,
the way it should be!
1181
01:01:59,342 --> 01:02:00,635
Yeah!
Yeah!
1182
01:02:04,889 --> 01:02:07,433
Come on down!
Who wants them?
1183
01:02:09,685 --> 01:02:12,271
Yes!
1184
01:02:14,690 --> 01:02:15,733
Go, Beers!
1185
01:02:27,161 --> 01:02:28,955
Hey, Smitz,
you wanna see a scary face?
1186
01:02:32,166 --> 01:02:33,376
Yeah!
1187
01:02:34,919 --> 01:02:36,129
What?
Dude!
1188
01:02:56,107 --> 01:02:57,191
Hey!
1189
01:02:58,985 --> 01:03:00,611
He can't do that!
1190
01:03:08,995 --> 01:03:10,746
Oh, shit!
1191
01:03:44,572 --> 01:03:46,616
There were
four of them in the corral.
1192
01:03:46,699 --> 01:03:49,118
The once-proud beast,
the broken girl,
1193
01:03:49,202 --> 01:03:53,873
her mother, and finally, the
man they called the Whisperer.
1194
01:03:53,956 --> 01:03:55,583
The woman stared hopefully
1195
01:03:55,666 --> 01:03:58,461
into the ancient
cowboy's weathered face.
1196
01:03:58,544 --> 01:04:04,800
"Can you help her?" "Lady, I
repair cows, not people."
1197
01:04:04,884 --> 01:04:08,346
His disjointed voice seemed
to be coming from afar...
1198
01:04:10,473 --> 01:04:12,934
And the Beers win their
tenth consecutive game.
1199
01:04:13,017 --> 01:04:14,519
I don't know what's happening...
1200
01:04:14,602 --> 01:04:16,202
Who's this bimbo
Coop's got the hots for?
1201
01:04:16,395 --> 01:04:20,358
Oh, that's Jenna Reed. She's the
director of some kids' charity,
1202
01:04:20,441 --> 01:04:22,818
Um, Dream Come True Foundation.
Oh.
1203
01:04:23,945 --> 01:04:26,280
I know six men
on their board of directors.
1204
01:04:26,364 --> 01:04:29,700
Baxter Cain is not going
quietly into the good night.
1205
01:04:29,784 --> 01:04:32,161
Hey, Baxter? Who's Ty Cobb? Hmm?
1206
01:04:32,870 --> 01:04:35,540
Oh, my God!
Did I just fart?
1207
01:04:57,687 --> 01:05:00,773
Ninth inning. Beers just one out
away from making the playoffs.
1208
01:05:00,856 --> 01:05:03,317
They'll have to get by
Big Ed Tuttle
1209
01:05:03,401 --> 01:05:06,237
and the LA Riots
to ice this one.
1210
01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:07,863
That's him, Squeak.
That's Tuttle.
1211
01:05:07,947 --> 01:05:10,283
He's been talking some serious
shit about you all night.
1212
01:05:10,366 --> 01:05:11,450
What?
1213
01:05:11,534 --> 01:05:13,178
Yeah, he told everyone that
he caught you jacking off
1214
01:05:13,202 --> 01:05:15,037
in the bathroom before the game.
1215
01:05:15,121 --> 01:05:16,664
He saw that?
1216
01:05:17,915 --> 01:05:20,084
You got to get this guy, Squeak.
1217
01:05:20,167 --> 01:05:23,045
Look at him, man.
He... He's huge!
1218
01:05:23,129 --> 01:05:24,755
You want me to psyche him out?
1219
01:05:24,839 --> 01:05:26,966
Dude, he'll never expect it
coming from you.
1220
01:05:27,049 --> 01:05:28,593
Here, say this.
1221
01:05:31,095 --> 01:05:32,597
I'm not going to
remember all that!
1222
01:05:32,722 --> 01:05:35,474
All right, here then. C'mon,
this is for the playoffs, dude.
1223
01:05:35,558 --> 01:05:36,892
You get this guy, and we're in!
1224
01:05:36,976 --> 01:05:39,770
Don't worry,
we've got your back!
1225
01:05:48,487 --> 01:05:50,281
Oh, my God.
1226
01:05:56,370 --> 01:05:58,372
Hey, Tuttle!
Yeah?
1227
01:06:00,249 --> 01:06:01,459
Your mother's deaf.
1228
01:06:01,542 --> 01:06:04,712
My mother's dead,
you little twerp.
1229
01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:09,342
I guess that's why
she didn't move around a lot.
1230
01:06:13,554 --> 01:06:15,473
Unbelievable!
The Beers win!
1231
01:06:15,556 --> 01:06:17,433
Yes! Sweet! Good going!
1232
01:06:17,516 --> 01:06:18,768
The Beers have done it!
1233
01:06:18,851 --> 01:06:21,312
Dude! Sweet! Yes!
1234
01:06:21,395 --> 01:06:23,230
Talkin' away
1235
01:06:24,148 --> 01:06:26,442
I don't know what's left to say
1236
01:06:26,525 --> 01:06:27,818
I'll say it anyway
1237
01:06:27,902 --> 01:06:29,445
The Beers win
a spot in the playoffs
1238
01:06:29,528 --> 01:06:33,658
by beating Los Angeles on an unlikely
psyche out by Squeak Scolari.
1239
01:06:33,741 --> 01:06:36,243
Take on me
1240
01:06:38,954 --> 01:06:40,331
Dude, he is pissed!
1241
01:06:41,874 --> 01:06:44,019
I didn't go over the line on that, did I?
No, not at all.
1242
01:06:44,043 --> 01:06:46,212
Don't worry about it, dude.
1243
01:06:47,171 --> 01:06:48,756
Jenna! Jenna!
1244
01:06:51,592 --> 01:06:53,803
Hey, you missed it. We won!
We kicked ass!
1245
01:06:54,595 --> 01:06:56,073
Let them flow, baby,
we're in the playoffs!
1246
01:06:56,097 --> 01:06:58,015
Yeah, let the tears come.
1247
01:06:58,099 --> 01:06:59,699
You're going to make me
start crying now.
1248
01:06:59,725 --> 01:07:01,686
No... I know, I guess
this really is emotional.
1249
01:07:01,769 --> 01:07:03,312
Should we do it?
Should we just cry?
1250
01:07:03,396 --> 01:07:05,156
I think we should, I mean,
no one's watching.
1251
01:07:05,231 --> 01:07:07,733
We won the game, we've got
friends, we've got everything!
1252
01:07:07,817 --> 01:07:08,859
Will you stop that?
1253
01:07:09,902 --> 01:07:12,029
I'm not crying
because I'm happy.
1254
01:07:12,113 --> 01:07:14,073
I just got the news.
Our funding has been cut.
1255
01:07:14,156 --> 01:07:16,325
They're going to close
the Foundation.
1256
01:07:17,952 --> 01:07:20,746
Can they do that?
1257
01:07:20,830 --> 01:07:24,542
Those poor kids.
We can't let this happen.
1258
01:07:24,625 --> 01:07:26,293
We got to do something!
1259
01:07:26,377 --> 01:07:30,631
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
come and ruin your big night.
1260
01:07:31,632 --> 01:07:34,301
I'm sorry! No, Jenna.
Jenna, wait.
1261
01:07:34,385 --> 01:07:36,971
Gentlemen!
Mr. Cain.
1262
01:07:37,805 --> 01:07:41,225
I couldn't help but overhear your
conversation with Miss Reed.
1263
01:07:41,308 --> 01:07:44,395
Dude, what are you doing here?
Oh, I jet here, I jet there.
1264
01:07:44,478 --> 01:07:46,021
Anyway, I just wanted
to assure you,
1265
01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:47,791
there's no reason for your
girlfriend's foundation
1266
01:07:47,815 --> 01:07:49,108
to go into Chapter 11.
1267
01:07:49,191 --> 01:07:51,777
Or for that matter,
12, 13 or 14.
1268
01:07:51,861 --> 01:07:54,864
Uh, but I think I may have a
solution to her problem. Here.
1269
01:07:56,449 --> 01:07:59,160
It's a time-tested moneymaker.
Every athlete does it.
1270
01:07:59,243 --> 01:08:01,620
You want me to have bigger titties?
What?
1271
01:08:02,121 --> 01:08:04,081
No, no.
1272
01:08:04,582 --> 01:08:08,169
The clothing line.
A Beers clothing line.
1273
01:08:08,252 --> 01:08:11,172
No, dude, that's against
the BASEketball bylaws.
1274
01:08:11,255 --> 01:08:14,008
Not if the proceeds go to charity.
Think about it.
1275
01:08:15,217 --> 01:08:18,846
Miss Reed's foundation will never
have to worry about funding again.
1276
01:08:18,929 --> 01:08:21,557
Awesome, dude! I think we
should definitely do it!
1277
01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:23,601
Excuse us.
1278
01:08:23,684 --> 01:08:25,603
Look, will you let me
do the talking here?
1279
01:08:25,686 --> 01:08:28,039
There's no way I'm doing any kind
of deal with this piece of shit.
1280
01:08:28,063 --> 01:08:31,066
Wait, I thought it was we. Remember,
it's not just up to you anymore.
1281
01:08:31,150 --> 01:08:33,795
All right, well, we can come up with
a better way to get money for Jenna.
1282
01:08:33,819 --> 01:08:35,237
Like how?
1283
01:08:37,948 --> 01:08:40,659
See? Thought so. Mr. Cain? Hmm?
1284
01:08:40,785 --> 01:08:43,871
As part owner of the Beers, I'd
just like to say, where do I sign?
1285
01:08:43,954 --> 01:08:46,999
Congratulations, Don. This is
going to change your life.
1286
01:08:47,082 --> 01:08:48,751
I look out for my womens!
1287
01:08:48,834 --> 01:08:51,504
Now before we discuss fabric
or color, we got to decide
1288
01:08:51,587 --> 01:08:53,440
where we can make this stuff cheap.
Freedom! Freedom!
1289
01:08:53,464 --> 01:08:55,358
Right. We'll do a big media blitz.
And don't worry
1290
01:08:55,382 --> 01:08:56,967
about Coop.
He'll come around.
1291
01:09:26,747 --> 01:09:28,749
Hi there, I'm Dan Patrick.
And I'm Kenny Mayne.
1292
01:09:28,833 --> 01:09:31,836
With the first seven months of the
BASEketball post-season out of the way,
1293
01:09:31,919 --> 01:09:34,713
the playoff picture is
now starting to emerge.
1294
01:09:34,797 --> 01:09:36,674
So, with last night's
victory over Boston,
1295
01:09:36,757 --> 01:09:38,926
next week the Beers
must beat Indianapolis
1296
01:09:39,009 --> 01:09:40,845
in order to advance
to Charlotte.
1297
01:09:40,928 --> 01:09:43,031
That's in an effort to reduce
their magic number to three.
1298
01:09:43,055 --> 01:09:44,491
Right, and then,
the Beers can advance
1299
01:09:44,515 --> 01:09:47,476
to the National Eastern
Division North to play Tampa.
1300
01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:49,770
So, if the Beers beat Detroit,
and Denver beats Atlanta
1301
01:09:49,854 --> 01:09:53,023
in the American Southwestern
Division East Northern,
1302
01:09:53,107 --> 01:09:54,817
then Milwaukee goes
to the Denslow Cup,
1303
01:09:54,900 --> 01:09:57,528
unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo
and Charlotte ties Toronto.
1304
01:09:57,611 --> 01:10:01,532
Then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh
in a blind choice round-robin.
1305
01:10:01,615 --> 01:10:03,576
And if no clear winner
emerges from all this,
1306
01:10:03,659 --> 01:10:06,078
a two-man sack race will be
held on consecutive Sundays
1307
01:10:06,203 --> 01:10:07,746
until a champion is crowned.
Right.
1308
01:10:16,630 --> 01:10:19,383
Coop! Coop! Coop!
1309
01:10:21,260 --> 01:10:24,847
After the grueling
regular BASEketball season,
1310
01:10:24,930 --> 01:10:27,892
we're now in month nine
of the playoffs.
1311
01:10:29,602 --> 01:10:32,021
No, Daddy, don't touch me there!
1312
01:10:34,607 --> 01:10:36,483
The Beers,
vying with San Francisco
1313
01:10:36,567 --> 01:10:38,402
for a slot in
the Denslow Cup game.
1314
01:10:38,485 --> 01:10:42,197
Ninth inning, Ferries up
by one, Coop steps in.
1315
01:10:42,281 --> 01:10:46,869
It's back, way back. Good! Home run!
Coop ties it up!
1316
01:10:46,994 --> 01:10:49,747
That could mean extra innings.
1317
01:10:59,340 --> 01:11:00,507
Yeah!
1318
01:11:13,395 --> 01:11:15,147
What's this guy?
1319
01:11:15,230 --> 01:11:18,442
He's my entertainment lawyer. He's
helping me with my movie contract.
1320
01:11:18,525 --> 01:11:19,818
Oh, now you're such a big shot,
1321
01:11:19,902 --> 01:11:21,338
you're gonna act
in a Hollywood movie?
1322
01:11:21,362 --> 01:11:22,446
Fucking sellout.
1323
01:11:22,529 --> 01:11:24,490
Now shooting, number 17,
1324
01:11:24,573 --> 01:11:27,618
Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!
1325
01:11:50,265 --> 01:11:53,519
Beers win! Beers win!
1326
01:11:53,602 --> 01:11:55,646
And the Beers have done it!
1327
01:11:55,729 --> 01:11:58,857
They're on their way
to the Denslow Cup!
1328
01:12:12,329 --> 01:12:15,749
Dude, who is that?
Who's it look like?
1329
01:12:16,125 --> 01:12:18,002
Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year.
1330
01:12:18,085 --> 01:12:20,963
Hello! Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year!
1331
01:12:27,511 --> 01:12:30,389
What's that?
It's a commitment ring.
1332
01:12:30,806 --> 01:12:32,683
What, for Jenna?
Yeah.
1333
01:12:32,808 --> 01:12:34,327
I'm letting her know
that I'm ready to consider
1334
01:12:34,351 --> 01:12:37,146
thinking about
dating her exclusively.
1335
01:12:37,312 --> 01:12:39,773
Well, I'm giving Jenna
a pre-commitment ring.
1336
01:12:39,857 --> 01:12:41,918
It's a promise to pledge that
we'll think about getting engaged
1337
01:12:41,942 --> 01:12:43,862
just as soon as we're ready
to make a commitment.
1338
01:12:44,278 --> 01:12:46,464
What the hell are you talking about?
You don't care about Jenna!
1339
01:12:46,488 --> 01:12:49,608
You were just in a hot tub naked with
Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year!
1340
01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:52,578
You know what? That hurts, man.
That really hurts.
1341
01:12:52,661 --> 01:12:55,456
My clothing line is single-handedly
saving Jenna's foundation.
1342
01:12:55,539 --> 01:12:59,626
Oh, sorry, I forgot how much
Doug Remer cares about kids.
1343
01:12:59,918 --> 01:13:02,546
Gentlemen?
Mr. Cain.
1344
01:13:02,838 --> 01:13:05,038
Hate to interrupt your
celebration, but I have something
1345
01:13:05,090 --> 01:13:06,675
you might be interested in.
1346
01:13:08,969 --> 01:13:12,014
Go ahead, don't be shy.
It concerns you.
1347
01:13:12,264 --> 01:13:16,643
Open it! I think you'll find it
interesting. What's that old saying...
1348
01:13:16,727 --> 01:13:18,038
"A penny saved is
a penny earned"?
1349
01:13:18,062 --> 01:13:21,190
"Don't eat cheese before
noon..." Shut up!
1350
01:13:21,607 --> 01:13:25,444
How about, "One picture
is worth a thousand words."
1351
01:13:25,569 --> 01:13:27,613
- Oh, that's a good one!
- God, these are awful!
1352
01:13:27,696 --> 01:13:30,157
What kind of lowlife scum
would use children this way?
1353
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:33,285
You would.
Me? Never!
1354
01:13:34,203 --> 01:13:39,249
Gentlemen, those are pictures of the
Beers clothing line being made in
1355
01:13:39,333 --> 01:13:40,584
Calcutta.
1356
01:13:40,667 --> 01:13:44,088
Oh, just great! Of course,
if they ever get out,
1357
01:13:44,171 --> 01:13:47,174
the Beers, and your
girlfriend's little foundation,
1358
01:13:47,257 --> 01:13:48,509
would be ruined.
1359
01:13:48,675 --> 01:13:49,718
Yipes!
1360
01:13:49,802 --> 01:13:52,554
But, rest assured, there's
no reason to be panicked.
1361
01:13:52,638 --> 01:13:57,810
Those pictures never have to
see the light of day, if...
1362
01:13:57,893 --> 01:13:59,686
If what?
1363
01:14:03,148 --> 01:14:06,985
If you two miss
the next Beers game.
1364
01:14:07,361 --> 01:14:09,446
Dude, the next game
is the Denslow Cup!
1365
01:14:09,530 --> 01:14:11,490
I can see you've
been reading the papers.
1366
01:14:11,573 --> 01:14:15,828
Listen, boys, just do as I say. You
play ball, and you'll be just fine.
1367
01:14:16,161 --> 01:14:18,956
I thought you said you didn't
want us to play ball.
1368
01:14:19,039 --> 01:14:21,583
I want you to play ball with me.
1369
01:14:22,251 --> 01:14:24,128
You want us to play for Dallas?
1370
01:14:28,549 --> 01:14:30,860
Oh, I get it. You don't want us
to show up at the game at all!
1371
01:14:30,884 --> 01:14:34,304
Of course, you numbskulls!
It's called blackmail!
1372
01:14:34,847 --> 01:14:36,390
Good evening.
1373
01:14:41,770 --> 01:14:44,370
God damn it, Remer, I told you this
was going to happen, didn't I?
1374
01:14:44,439 --> 01:14:45,959
Hey, if you would have
agreed to Cain's changes
1375
01:14:45,983 --> 01:14:47,836
in the first place, it never
would have gotten this far!
1376
01:14:47,860 --> 01:14:50,863
Dude, because of you, Jenna's
foundation is totally screwed!
1377
01:14:50,988 --> 01:14:52,882
Me? I was the one trying to...
Oh, there you are!
1378
01:14:52,906 --> 01:14:54,241
Jenna!
1379
01:14:54,366 --> 01:14:58,120
- I saw the pictures!
- This is awful!
1380
01:14:58,203 --> 01:14:59,597
It's going to mean
the end of the Foundation.
1381
01:14:59,621 --> 01:15:02,457
You know,
it's not endowed like...
1382
01:15:02,624 --> 01:15:04,084
Well, like...
1383
01:15:04,459 --> 01:15:06,295
Jenna, I can explain.
1384
01:15:06,461 --> 01:15:08,881
Yes, it was his fault.
Me?
1385
01:15:08,964 --> 01:15:11,633
This is your mess, Remer. I
should've kept the team to myself!
1386
01:15:11,758 --> 01:15:14,136
Dude, I just don't know you anymore!
Enough!
1387
01:15:14,887 --> 01:15:16,096
Look at yourselves.
1388
01:15:16,180 --> 01:15:19,391
You're just typical men,
with humongous egos!
1389
01:15:19,474 --> 01:15:20,618
You're like every
other pro athlete.
1390
01:15:20,642 --> 01:15:22,120
I should have kept
those kids away from you.
1391
01:15:22,144 --> 01:15:23,580
Their little lives are ruined
and all you can do
1392
01:15:23,604 --> 01:15:25,439
is argue about
who is the bigger penis?
1393
01:15:25,522 --> 01:15:27,065
I mean, child.
1394
01:15:28,400 --> 01:15:29,568
Long wanger. Oh.
1395
01:15:30,235 --> 01:15:31,361
Throbbing cock.
1396
01:15:31,445 --> 01:15:33,197
God, I don't even know
what I mean anymore!
1397
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:35,449
Jenna, wait! You've got
to believe us, Jenna!
1398
01:15:35,532 --> 01:15:38,035
It was all Coop's fault!
1399
01:15:39,161 --> 01:15:41,163
Dude, could I talk to you over here?
Mmm-hmm.
1400
01:15:41,246 --> 01:15:43,183
You know something, Pig Fucker?
Can I call you Pig Fucker?
1401
01:15:43,207 --> 01:15:44,887
No, only my friends
can call me Pig Fucker.
1402
01:15:51,632 --> 01:15:53,467
You know what, Coop?
1403
01:15:54,301 --> 01:15:56,279
You're not my best friend anymore.
How do you like that?
1404
01:15:56,303 --> 01:15:58,847
I love it!
Good, I'm glad!
1405
01:16:00,432 --> 01:16:02,100
I'm sick of playing
second fiddle to you,
1406
01:16:02,184 --> 01:16:03,584
and you getting
all the recognition.
1407
01:16:03,644 --> 01:16:06,313
I'm getting myself
a new best friend.
1408
01:16:07,648 --> 01:16:09,524
Wake up, bitch.
You're my new best friend.
1409
01:16:09,608 --> 01:16:11,652
Really? What?
1410
01:16:12,027 --> 01:16:13,987
Are we going to the zoo?
1411
01:16:14,112 --> 01:16:18,575
Fine! I don't need you. I'll get
myself a new best friend, too!
1412
01:16:18,659 --> 01:16:23,288
So, go ahead. Go back to your fancy
cars, and your big bank accounts,
1413
01:16:23,372 --> 01:16:27,251
and your celebrity friends,
and your beautiful women,
1414
01:16:27,334 --> 01:16:30,420
and Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year...
1415
01:16:31,838 --> 01:16:32,881
Fuck!
1416
01:16:33,548 --> 01:16:36,176
Your life is
spinning out of control
1417
01:16:36,843 --> 01:16:40,097
Seems the whole world
is out to get you
1418
01:16:42,099 --> 01:16:46,770
Everything is wrong
Nothing seems right
1419
01:16:48,772 --> 01:16:52,526
There's a sinking feeling inside
1420
01:16:52,609 --> 01:16:57,155
Even your best friend
has turned his back
1421
01:16:57,239 --> 01:16:59,366
But you can't let it
bring you down
1422
01:16:59,449 --> 01:17:02,202
No, you've got to fight
1423
01:17:04,246 --> 01:17:07,249
'Cause you try,
but you can't let go
1424
01:17:09,626 --> 01:17:12,754
It's when you're down
that you got to get up
1425
01:17:12,879 --> 01:17:16,216
Don't let 'em walk
all over your face
1426
01:17:16,300 --> 01:17:20,387
Stand up for yourself And
make everything right again
1427
01:17:22,264 --> 01:17:24,850
Even if some guy's trying
to blackmail you
1428
01:17:24,933 --> 01:17:27,144
And your girlfriend
thinks you suck
1429
01:17:28,103 --> 01:17:29,855
It's up to you to let them know
1430
01:17:29,938 --> 01:17:33,567
That it was all just part of
some rich guy's evil plan
1431
01:17:34,234 --> 01:17:36,987
Look out ahead
There's a truck changing lanes
1432
01:17:37,112 --> 01:17:39,740
You got some yellow crumbs
on your upper lip
1433
01:17:39,823 --> 01:17:42,784
And those warts on your dick
aren't going to go away
1434
01:17:42,909 --> 01:17:45,912
Unless you start using
topical cream every day
1435
01:17:47,581 --> 01:17:49,166
Ladies and gentlemen,
1436
01:17:49,249 --> 01:17:51,251
welcome to Calcutta
International Airport,
1437
01:17:51,335 --> 01:17:54,254
where it is currently 95
degrees with a light drizzle.
1438
01:17:54,338 --> 01:17:56,757
We hope you enjoy your stay
here in lovely Calcutta.
1439
01:18:00,260 --> 01:18:01,470
Taxi!
1440
01:18:03,096 --> 01:18:04,598
Amoka, come on!
1441
01:18:06,433 --> 01:18:08,143
Driver, I'm in a hurry!
1442
01:18:08,268 --> 01:18:10,812
Look, just take me
to 7-1-1...
1443
01:18:10,896 --> 01:18:11,897
Aw!
1444
01:18:17,986 --> 01:18:19,488
Here you are, Beerswear Factory.
1445
01:18:19,613 --> 01:18:21,782
Hey, you, is this...
I'm sorry, no entrance.
1446
01:18:21,865 --> 01:18:24,451
Who the hell are you?
I factory manager. Who you?
1447
01:18:24,534 --> 01:18:26,787
I Joe Cooper.
I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.
1448
01:18:26,870 --> 01:18:29,206
Wait, Mr. Cooper,
you must put on hard hat!
1449
01:18:29,289 --> 01:18:34,044
Oh, this is awful.
Oh, this isn't good!
1450
01:18:34,127 --> 01:18:35,629
Do any authorities
know about this?
1451
01:18:35,712 --> 01:18:38,632
Oh! Oh! Wait, Mr. Cooper, wait.
Wait please, Mr. Cooper!
1452
01:18:39,299 --> 01:18:40,801
Put that down!
1453
01:18:43,470 --> 01:18:47,140
A young man. His whole life
in front of him disappears.
1454
01:18:47,682 --> 01:18:51,144
A familiar story, yes.
But this is no ordinary Joe.
1455
01:18:51,645 --> 01:18:54,272
Joseph R. Cooper, perhaps the
most loved sports figure
1456
01:18:54,356 --> 01:18:56,817
in the country, vanished.
1457
01:18:57,484 --> 01:18:58,944
According to
Mrs. Elsie Melcher,
1458
01:18:59,027 --> 01:19:01,780
a neighbor who asked not
to be identified,
1459
01:19:01,863 --> 01:19:04,658
Joe Cooper left his house
two weeks ago.
1460
01:19:04,866 --> 01:19:06,201
According to Angelique Bones,
1461
01:19:06,326 --> 01:19:08,370
a nosy bitch
who lives up the street,
1462
01:19:08,495 --> 01:19:10,622
he took with him only
a toothbrush, a wallet,
1463
01:19:10,705 --> 01:19:13,875
a steamer trunk and
a plane ticket to Calcutta.
1464
01:19:14,334 --> 01:19:16,420
Police theorize
several possible scenarios
1465
01:19:16,503 --> 01:19:17,587
of what happened
1466
01:19:17,671 --> 01:19:21,341
to the man affectionately
known to the world as "Coop."
1467
01:19:21,675 --> 01:19:22,985
Oh, I don't know
where the hell he is.
1468
01:19:23,009 --> 01:19:24,237
For all I care, he could be
hanging by his neck
1469
01:19:24,261 --> 01:19:25,303
in his fucking closet.
1470
01:19:25,387 --> 01:19:26,513
Scenario Number One.
1471
01:19:26,596 --> 01:19:28,932
He's hanging by his neck
in his fucking closet.
1472
01:19:33,937 --> 01:19:35,313
The night before
his disappearance,
1473
01:19:35,397 --> 01:19:37,858
Coop's girlfriend
had paid him a visit.
1474
01:19:37,941 --> 01:19:39,734
According to friends,
they had quarreled.
1475
01:19:39,860 --> 01:19:41,361
If you're looking
for Joe Cooper,
1476
01:19:41,445 --> 01:19:42,904
I suggest you look
wherever you find
1477
01:19:43,029 --> 01:19:45,449
the most heinous,
blatant and vile
1478
01:19:45,532 --> 01:19:47,325
exploitation of children
on the planet.
1479
01:19:47,409 --> 01:19:50,579
Scenario Number Two.
Coop went to Disney World.
1480
01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:56,751
Here's a photograph
of Joe Cooper taken
1481
01:19:56,835 --> 01:19:59,171
just days before
his disappearance.
1482
01:19:59,254 --> 01:20:01,506
And here's a
computer-enhanced simulation
1483
01:20:01,590 --> 01:20:03,758
of what he might
look like today.
1484
01:20:06,720 --> 01:20:09,848
From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on
the shores of Lake Michigan,
1485
01:20:09,931 --> 01:20:13,560
it's the Denslow Cup, where the
defending champions, the Dallas Felons,
1486
01:20:13,643 --> 01:20:17,397
meet their perennial challengers,
the Milwaukee Beers.
1487
01:20:17,481 --> 01:20:20,358
Hello, I'm Al Michaels along
with Bob Costas inviting you
1488
01:20:20,442 --> 01:20:23,778
to join us here at Beers
Garden for Denslow Cup V.
1489
01:20:23,945 --> 01:20:26,031
And we're in for
a classic battle tonight.
1490
01:20:26,114 --> 01:20:27,741
You're absolutely
right about that, Al.
1491
01:20:27,824 --> 01:20:30,660
We have over a hundred million
people throughout the world
1492
01:20:30,744 --> 01:20:32,496
tuned in to see this game.
1493
01:20:32,579 --> 01:20:35,499
Many of them, of course, with no
understanding of the sport itself,
1494
01:20:35,582 --> 01:20:39,961
but nonetheless fascinated by the flickering
images and the bright, pretty colors.
1495
01:20:40,086 --> 01:20:45,383
And high up in the stands, pyrotechnic
expert Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch
1496
01:20:45,467 --> 01:20:49,679
is readying another spectacular
halftime fireworks display.
1497
01:20:49,763 --> 01:20:53,016
All right, you guys.
You ready to kick some ass?
1498
01:20:55,143 --> 01:20:57,771
What's wrong, you guys?
Why the long faces?
1499
01:20:57,854 --> 01:20:59,898
We miss Coop.
Can't win without him.
1500
01:20:59,981 --> 01:21:03,109
We don't need Coop.
I'll lead you to victory!
1501
01:21:03,443 --> 01:21:04,694
We're supposed to be a team.
1502
01:21:04,778 --> 01:21:06,404
Without Coop, it's not the same.
1503
01:21:06,488 --> 01:21:08,990
Look, even if Coop was to
walk in here right now,
1504
01:21:09,115 --> 01:21:10,968
it wouldn't change the outcome
of this game one iota.
1505
01:21:10,992 --> 01:21:14,204
We can win this thing! Are you with me?
Yeah, yeah!
1506
01:21:14,287 --> 01:21:17,666
That's the spirit. Are you with me?
Yeah! Yeah!
1507
01:21:17,791 --> 01:21:19,793
All right, Coop's here!
1508
01:21:25,465 --> 01:21:28,301
And we're underway here
for Denslow Cup V.
1509
01:21:54,160 --> 01:21:57,789
- A stunned crowd of over
- 18,000 witnessing the Beers
1510
01:21:57,872 --> 01:21:59,183
being thoroughly dominated
by the Felons.
1511
01:21:59,207 --> 01:22:00,875
Come on, Beers!
Go, Coop!
1512
01:22:01,334 --> 01:22:04,629
Hey, guys, I thought I told you
we weren't gonna watch this game.
1513
01:22:04,713 --> 01:22:07,299
Oh, come on, Miss Reed.
It's the Denslow Cup!
1514
01:22:07,382 --> 01:22:11,011
These are not the kind of people
to be looked up to or emulated.
1515
01:22:11,136 --> 01:22:14,514
The severed and mutilated head was
stamped and postmarked Denver.
1516
01:22:14,639 --> 01:22:16,891
The owner still has
not stepped forward.
1517
01:22:17,017 --> 01:22:20,979
Update. The disappearance of the
Milwaukee Beers BASEketball star.
1518
01:22:21,062 --> 01:22:22,302
When Joe Cooper discovered that
1519
01:22:22,355 --> 01:22:24,941
most of the workers in the
Beerswear Factory were youngsters,
1520
01:22:25,025 --> 01:22:26,943
not even old enough
for prostitution,
1521
01:22:27,027 --> 01:22:29,154
he personally flew to Calcutta.
1522
01:22:29,237 --> 01:22:32,198
His new, all-adult workforce
now makes a decent wage,
1523
01:22:32,324 --> 01:22:35,577
enjoys full medical benefits
and in-house child care.
1524
01:22:35,702 --> 01:22:40,040
All of us here are glad that such a terrific
human being like Joe Cooper has returned.
1525
01:22:40,165 --> 01:22:42,876
If I were a woman, I'd sure
like to be his girlfriend.
1526
01:22:43,001 --> 01:22:46,546
Walking in the park, hand in hand,
wrapping my legs around him,
1527
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:50,050
cuddling in the spoon position,
our hearts beating in unison,
1528
01:22:50,175 --> 01:22:53,219
staring into his eyes over
our morning coffee...
1529
01:22:53,428 --> 01:22:56,139
Uh, yes, yes, thank you.
1530
01:22:56,222 --> 01:22:59,059
When we come back,
our next unsolved mystery...
1531
01:22:59,184 --> 01:23:00,769
Come on, kids.
1532
01:23:01,061 --> 01:23:03,271
- We're going to the game!
- Yeah!
1533
01:23:03,772 --> 01:23:04,939
Ladies and gentlemen,
1534
01:23:05,065 --> 01:23:07,192
for your seventh-inning
stretch entertainment,
1535
01:23:07,275 --> 01:23:10,487
the National BASEketball
League is proud to present
1536
01:23:10,570 --> 01:23:14,699
a salute to our South Sea
neighbors, Viva Calypso!
1537
01:23:18,745 --> 01:23:20,664
We're up 16-0
at the break.
1538
01:23:20,747 --> 01:23:22,457
Have the trucks pull up
to the locker room.
1539
01:23:22,582 --> 01:23:25,835
We'll sort out the stuff when
we get to Jacksonville. Okay.
1540
01:23:25,919 --> 01:23:29,756
Hey, Baxter. I finally got all
the chrome off this for you.
1541
01:23:30,590 --> 01:23:34,219
Nice. Very nice. You want
me to start on this one?
1542
01:23:34,719 --> 01:23:35,804
Ladies and gentlemen,
1543
01:23:35,887 --> 01:23:37,389
please direct your attention now
1544
01:23:37,472 --> 01:23:40,642
to the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust,
1545
01:23:40,767 --> 01:23:44,104
a symbol of brotherhood
in many Polynesian countries.
1546
01:23:44,229 --> 01:23:47,399
Assuming the roles of the
downtrodden but happy natives,
1547
01:23:47,482 --> 01:23:51,111
with their good-luck pineapple,
your Milwaukee Beers!
1548
01:23:52,612 --> 01:23:53,780
Thanks for flying back, Coop.
1549
01:23:53,863 --> 01:23:55,591
You really made a big
difference in the score.
1550
01:23:55,615 --> 01:23:57,134
Dude, if I wouldn't have
been cleaning up your mess,
1551
01:23:57,158 --> 01:23:58,552
I wouldn't be jet-lagged
and shitting curry!
1552
01:23:58,576 --> 01:24:00,620
Hey, guys,
knock it off, all right?
1553
01:24:00,745 --> 01:24:03,832
And representing their
white colonial oppressors,
1554
01:24:03,957 --> 01:24:05,792
the Dallas Felons!
1555
01:24:06,418 --> 01:24:09,170
And now, let's all join
our Caribbean brothers
1556
01:24:09,295 --> 01:24:13,174
in the ceremonial South Sea handshake
above the Lagoon of Peace.
1557
01:24:13,299 --> 01:24:14,634
- All right, let go!
- You let go!
1558
01:24:14,759 --> 01:24:16,469
Stop it. Stop it!
1559
01:24:17,303 --> 01:24:19,139
Guys, come on, man!
1560
01:24:19,264 --> 01:24:20,449
Would you stop it?
Money-grubber!
1561
01:24:20,473 --> 01:24:21,683
Power monger!
Cock!
1562
01:24:21,808 --> 01:24:23,351
Guys, stop it!
1563
01:24:26,312 --> 01:24:27,313
Whoa!
1564
01:24:27,647 --> 01:24:30,316
Hey!
1565
01:24:33,319 --> 01:24:35,989
You son of a bitch!
You asshole!
1566
01:24:37,991 --> 01:24:39,409
Die!
Eat shit!
1567
01:24:39,492 --> 01:24:43,204
Hey! Would you just stop it?
Would you hold on a minute?
1568
01:24:44,164 --> 01:24:47,625
Look at you guys, fighting
on the Malakalaka board!
1569
01:24:48,877 --> 01:24:51,504
You should be ashamed
of yourselves!
1570
01:24:52,130 --> 01:24:54,716
Back in the driveway,
we were nothing!
1571
01:24:54,841 --> 01:24:57,635
Now we've risen
to the highest level,
1572
01:24:58,052 --> 01:25:00,513
but you're throwing it all away!
1573
01:25:01,014 --> 01:25:03,349
If you've forgotten what
BASEketball means to America,
1574
01:25:03,475 --> 01:25:05,602
you have only to look
at this board,
1575
01:25:05,685 --> 01:25:08,188
the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust.
1576
01:25:10,064 --> 01:25:11,900
Don't you see what we have here?
1577
01:25:12,025 --> 01:25:14,736
A game where guys with
bad backs and bad knees
1578
01:25:14,861 --> 01:25:17,530
can get together and
compete on the same field
1579
01:25:17,655 --> 01:25:20,575
as guys that are all
goosed up on steroids.
1580
01:25:21,493 --> 01:25:23,495
But more than anything,
1581
01:25:23,703 --> 01:25:28,708
isn't this game about getting together with
your friends and just having a good time?
1582
01:25:29,167 --> 01:25:30,543
I remember.
1583
01:25:32,295 --> 01:25:36,132
I remember a long time ago,
I didn't have anybody.
1584
01:25:36,633 --> 01:25:38,635
And you guys took me in.
1585
01:25:39,636 --> 01:25:43,056
I guess that's why it kills me
to see you like this.
1586
01:25:44,557 --> 01:25:48,978
If we can't be friends, then the
heart and soul are out of this game.
1587
01:25:50,313 --> 01:25:54,734
Certainly out of me! I know
I'll never get that back again.
1588
01:25:57,695 --> 01:26:01,032
We have sullied the waters
of the Lagoon of Peace!
1589
01:26:01,866 --> 01:26:05,995
I'm begging you, for the love
of our Caribbean brothers,
1590
01:26:06,246 --> 01:26:08,373
dudes, stop this madness!
1591
01:26:18,508 --> 01:26:20,093
Hang on!
Oh, my God!
1592
01:26:20,176 --> 01:26:22,095
Remember to hold your
breath just before we hit!
1593
01:26:22,220 --> 01:26:23,721
Never let go!
1594
01:26:27,392 --> 01:26:31,938
Bob, this has to be the most spectacular
extravaganza I have ever seen!
1595
01:26:32,772 --> 01:26:34,250
You can cram three seats
into the space it takes
1596
01:26:34,274 --> 01:26:35,608
for one wheelchair,
1597
01:26:35,692 --> 01:26:37,151
not to mention the wasted space
1598
01:26:37,235 --> 01:26:38,778
it takes for the oxygen bottle.
1599
01:26:38,862 --> 01:26:41,197
Hell, those little shits
never pay full price anyway!
1600
01:26:41,281 --> 01:26:44,617
Baxter! I just realized
I can't stand you!
1601
01:26:45,535 --> 01:26:47,453
So you can kiss
these puppies good-bye!
1602
01:26:54,043 --> 01:26:55,795
Shit, Coop.
I'm sorry.
1603
01:26:55,879 --> 01:26:58,381
I guess the money
did go to my head.
1604
01:26:58,464 --> 01:27:00,300
No, I'm sorry, Remer.
1605
01:27:01,301 --> 01:27:04,470
I think I've got a lot
to learn about sharing.
1606
01:27:04,596 --> 01:27:07,557
Look at me. I've become
everything I used to hate.
1607
01:27:07,640 --> 01:27:10,143
Maybe we just grew up too fast.
1608
01:27:10,935 --> 01:27:13,646
My worst enemy
turned out to be me.
1609
01:27:15,148 --> 01:27:16,608
Dude.
Dude.
1610
01:27:17,650 --> 01:27:19,152
Dude.
Dude.
1611
01:27:23,114 --> 01:27:25,325
Hey, look, I've got two over...
1612
01:27:32,498 --> 01:27:35,418
All right, let's go win
ourselves a championship!
1613
01:27:35,501 --> 01:27:36,669
Yeah!
Yeah!
1614
01:27:50,224 --> 01:27:53,645
She was a little green
1615
01:27:54,687 --> 01:27:58,107
He was just a little mean
1616
01:27:59,150 --> 01:28:02,362
They were together all the time
1617
01:28:02,445 --> 01:28:07,033
So now no one can forget this
thing that happens all the time
1618
01:28:11,037 --> 01:28:14,582
She would do anything
1619
01:28:14,666 --> 01:28:16,501
Yo, Darcy.
Yeah?
1620
01:28:16,751 --> 01:28:20,129
Hey, that's my wife!
Yeah, and this is me!
1621
01:28:20,213 --> 01:28:23,257
They live together all the time
1622
01:28:23,341 --> 01:28:26,344
So now no one can forget
this little thing
1623
01:28:26,427 --> 01:28:28,680
That's on her mind
1624
01:28:28,763 --> 01:28:33,977
It's a waste to wonder
what's a heart these days
1625
01:28:34,060 --> 01:28:39,357
It takes a lot to give up
and just leave those who...
1626
01:28:46,197 --> 01:28:47,991
Hey, Dirk!
What is it?
1627
01:28:48,116 --> 01:28:50,576
I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak!
1628
01:28:50,660 --> 01:28:51,703
Hey!
1629
01:28:57,792 --> 01:29:00,169
And Squeak Scolari
crosses the plate again
1630
01:29:00,253 --> 01:29:03,339
as the Beers have come
roaring back since the break.
1631
01:29:03,423 --> 01:29:06,509
Bob, this is more like the Beers
team we've seen all season.
1632
01:29:06,592 --> 01:29:08,011
Ninth inning, two outs.
1633
01:29:08,094 --> 01:29:10,179
Beers still down by two runs.
1634
01:29:10,263 --> 01:29:12,390
Felons on first and third.
1635
01:29:12,598 --> 01:29:16,227
The Beers have to stop Dallas here
if they want to stay in this game.
1636
01:29:16,310 --> 01:29:18,938
And the always dangerous
Grumsky coming up.
1637
01:29:19,022 --> 01:29:20,082
We've got to get this guy, Coop.
1638
01:29:20,106 --> 01:29:21,291
He hasn't missed
a shot all night.
1639
01:29:21,315 --> 01:29:23,985
I know, but I don't know what to say.
Nothing works on him.
1640
01:29:24,068 --> 01:29:26,654
Hey!
Tell him he's fat!
1641
01:29:26,738 --> 01:29:28,406
Dude, that's not cool.
1642
01:29:28,489 --> 01:29:29,609
Yeah, it is.
That's not cool.
1643
01:29:29,657 --> 01:29:31,409
No, no, no. Just do
it really subtle.
1644
01:29:31,492 --> 01:29:33,119
Subtle.
1645
01:29:35,580 --> 01:29:37,957
Hey, Grumsky, you losing weight?
1646
01:29:38,291 --> 01:29:40,877
Hey, big ass! Seriously,
you're fucking fat!
1647
01:29:40,960 --> 01:29:44,547
You're goddamn fucking fat.
How'd you get so fucking fat?
1648
01:29:44,630 --> 01:29:45,673
Jesus!
1649
01:29:46,507 --> 01:29:49,969
And the Beers hold them in the
ninth on a clutch psyche out
1650
01:29:50,053 --> 01:29:51,888
by "Coop" Cooper.
1651
01:29:52,805 --> 01:29:57,143
Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
1652
01:29:57,226 --> 01:30:01,606
Bottom of the ninth.
Dallas, 16. Milwaukee, 14.
1653
01:30:01,981 --> 01:30:04,484
Remer on second,
Scolari on third.
1654
01:30:04,734 --> 01:30:06,444
And Coop's coming up.
1655
01:30:08,279 --> 01:30:12,283
And so, it all comes down
to this. One shot.
1656
01:30:12,408 --> 01:30:16,496
Coop makes it, the Beers win the
cup, and get to keep the team.
1657
01:30:17,288 --> 01:30:18,998
Or, he misses.
1658
01:30:39,519 --> 01:30:42,730
Oh, my God.
La-Z-Boy has popped!
1659
01:30:49,570 --> 01:30:52,657
The ball Coop has used every
day of his career is gone,
1660
01:30:52,740 --> 01:30:54,659
and a time-out
has been called
1661
01:30:54,742 --> 01:30:56,994
as the Beers star
tries to regroup.
1662
01:30:57,411 --> 01:31:00,790
Excuse me, driver, do you think
you could go any faster?
1663
01:31:00,873 --> 01:31:02,750
Could I go any faster?
1664
01:31:04,377 --> 01:31:06,462
Yeah!
Hang on!
1665
01:31:09,715 --> 01:31:10,716
Yeah!
1666
01:31:10,800 --> 01:31:12,468
Whoa!
1667
01:31:13,761 --> 01:31:15,054
No doubt about it, Al.
1668
01:31:15,138 --> 01:31:18,891
The loss of this ball is definitely going
to affect the outcome of this game.
1669
01:31:25,064 --> 01:31:26,774
Ow! Hey!
1670
01:31:26,858 --> 01:31:29,819
Come on, kids! Thomas,
where are you going?
1671
01:31:29,902 --> 01:31:32,196
It's just one shot. You can do it!
We can win this thing!
1672
01:31:32,280 --> 01:31:35,616
Come on, Coop!
You can do it.
1673
01:31:35,700 --> 01:31:38,661
Coop! Stop! Don't shoot!
1674
01:31:39,120 --> 01:31:40,580
Wait!
Joey!
1675
01:31:41,164 --> 01:31:43,499
Here.
I brought this for you.
1676
01:31:44,375 --> 01:31:47,211
I made it myself.
Just like you.
1677
01:31:48,421 --> 01:31:49,672
Dude, you made this?
1678
01:31:49,755 --> 01:31:52,216
Well, Miss Reed helped me
for most of it.
1679
01:31:52,300 --> 01:31:53,759
But I finished it myself.
1680
01:31:54,594 --> 01:31:56,095
Joey, this is great.
1681
01:31:58,014 --> 01:32:01,142
Coop, you know what
Miss Reed told me tonight?
1682
01:32:02,435 --> 01:32:05,688
She said she wants me
to be a big sports star.
1683
01:32:07,273 --> 01:32:09,150
Just like Joe Cooper.
1684
01:32:22,914 --> 01:32:24,332
Thanks, dude.
1685
01:32:24,415 --> 01:32:26,167
Go get them, Coop.
1686
01:32:30,963 --> 01:32:32,340
Hey, Coop!
1687
01:32:32,465 --> 01:32:36,260
When's the last time you made
a home run without La-Z-Boy?
1688
01:32:48,522 --> 01:32:51,859
Al, we have seen some classic
Denslow Cup battles in the past,
1689
01:32:51,943 --> 01:32:54,403
but I can't remember one
that ever rivaled
1690
01:32:54,487 --> 01:32:57,114
the drama and excitement
of this one.
1691
01:33:07,500 --> 01:33:09,210
It's off the rim!
1692
01:33:09,710 --> 01:33:12,421
Could be a double play.
Darcy tips.
1693
01:33:13,756 --> 01:33:16,384
Jansen's try. No.
1694
01:33:18,844 --> 01:33:23,015
Beers have a shot at the conversion.
Remer keeps it alive!
1695
01:33:24,725 --> 01:33:26,394
Last chance.
1696
01:33:32,775 --> 01:33:34,110
Coop up.
1697
01:33:44,036 --> 01:33:46,289
It's
1698
01:33:46,372 --> 01:33:47,707
good!
1699
01:34:25,911 --> 01:34:27,830
Bob, in all my years
of calling games,
1700
01:34:27,913 --> 01:34:29,623
I don't think I've ever
been this excited!
1701
01:34:29,749 --> 01:34:32,251
You're excited?
Feel these nipples!
1702
01:34:38,424 --> 01:34:42,094
Update. We still have no fucking
clue where this guy is.
1703
01:34:44,597 --> 01:34:48,184
And I can wear anything
1704
01:34:48,267 --> 01:34:51,103
And I can be anything
1705
01:34:51,187 --> 01:34:56,776
Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful
1706
01:34:58,277 --> 01:35:03,949
Tonight I don't wanna feel bad
1707
01:35:05,034 --> 01:35:09,538
'Cause tonight will be
the night of my dreams
1708
01:35:09,622 --> 01:35:12,458
Tonight I don't wanna
feel anything
1709
01:35:21,008 --> 01:35:26,722
And then things moved in
Took no time at all
1710
01:35:27,264 --> 01:35:32,269
Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful
1711
01:35:33,479 --> 01:35:35,231
Hey, whoa!
1712
01:35:35,314 --> 01:35:37,191
Hey! Come on!
1713
01:35:37,316 --> 01:35:38,317
Hey!
1714
01:35:39,860 --> 01:35:41,237
All right.
1715
01:35:42,488 --> 01:35:43,906
Coop, what?
1716
01:35:44,198 --> 01:35:46,492
Who is it?
It's Reggie.
1717
01:35:50,663 --> 01:35:52,415
Reggie Jackson.
1718
01:35:56,502 --> 01:35:59,088
Well, go. Go ahead.
1719
01:36:09,181 --> 01:36:12,226
Reggie.
Coop. Nice going out there.
1720
01:36:12,852 --> 01:36:15,396
Thanks, man. But, you
know, I got to tell you.
1721
01:36:15,521 --> 01:36:19,191
It's because of you that I'm here.
That's nice to know.
1722
01:36:19,525 --> 01:36:23,195
I brought this for you. I saw some kid
try to leave the ballpark with it.
1723
01:36:23,320 --> 01:36:24,864
You got to hang on to that.
1724
01:36:24,989 --> 01:36:27,658
I got the two home run balls
I hit in the World Series.
1725
01:36:28,367 --> 01:36:31,370
Some wretched little shit
got the third one.
1726
01:36:32,538 --> 01:36:34,248
That sucks, dude.
1727
01:36:35,416 --> 01:36:38,127
I got to get my trophy. Maybe
we can have a hot dog sometime?
1728
01:36:38,210 --> 01:36:40,588
All right, sounds good.
Hey, Coop!
1729
01:36:40,713 --> 01:36:43,048
I don't have your fucking ball!
1730
01:36:45,384 --> 01:36:47,219
Good luck next year.
1731
01:36:47,428 --> 01:36:48,929
Oh. Thanks.
1732
01:36:51,348 --> 01:36:52,766
Hey, Baxter!
1733
01:36:53,684 --> 01:36:55,019
Got milk?
1734
01:36:55,561 --> 01:36:57,021
Oh, I'm sorry!
1735
01:37:00,441 --> 01:37:03,194
And so, on behalf of the
National BASEketball League,
1736
01:37:03,277 --> 01:37:06,697
we'd like to present to the
Beers this year's Denslow Cup.
1737
01:37:06,780 --> 01:37:08,449
Congratulations!
1738
01:37:09,283 --> 01:37:11,452
Go ahead,
and take a victory lap.
1739
01:37:11,577 --> 01:37:13,704
And so, as they skate off,
all you can think about is
1740
01:37:13,787 --> 01:37:17,750
a team that conquered adversity,
a team that overcame the odds,
1741
01:37:17,875 --> 01:37:20,002
a team that defied the critics,
1742
01:37:20,085 --> 01:37:22,963
a team that blah,
blah, blah, blah...
1743
01:37:23,088 --> 01:37:27,968
And so, the ideal of sports once
again blossomed from a tiny seed,
1744
01:37:28,427 --> 01:37:31,805
nurtured, as always,
by the dreams of the young.
1745
01:37:31,931 --> 01:37:35,643
Yeah! I'm the King
of the World! Yeah!
1746
01:37:46,695 --> 01:37:49,865
You've been psyched out
and you're goin' down
1747
01:37:49,949 --> 01:37:52,952
I'm the trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown
1748
01:37:53,035 --> 01:37:55,955
I will abuse you until you lose
1749
01:37:56,038 --> 01:37:59,959
You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out
1750
01:38:05,422 --> 01:38:07,633
You talked to 20 men
Your shoe's untied
1751
01:38:07,716 --> 01:38:09,510
And your mama never loved you
1752
01:38:09,593 --> 01:38:11,303
Mama never loved you
1753
01:38:11,387 --> 01:38:13,722
She said she did
but she's ugly and she lies
1754
01:38:13,806 --> 01:38:15,474
She's never thinkin' of you
1755
01:38:15,558 --> 01:38:17,351
Mama doesn't love you
1756
01:38:17,434 --> 01:38:20,312
You ain't cut
from the right cloth
1757
01:38:20,396 --> 01:38:22,606
You don't got what it takes
1758
01:38:23,482 --> 01:38:27,069
Now you blew it
Oh, another stupid mistake
1759
01:38:27,152 --> 01:38:28,696
Another bad, bad break
1760
01:38:28,779 --> 01:38:31,699
You been psyched out
and you're goin' down
1761
01:38:31,782 --> 01:38:34,994
I'm a trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown
1762
01:38:35,077 --> 01:38:37,663
I will abuse you until you lose
1763
01:38:37,746 --> 01:38:41,750
You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out
1764
01:38:43,335 --> 01:38:44,837
Oh, yeah!
1765
01:39:01,520 --> 01:39:05,524
Doorways open up and close
1766
01:39:05,608 --> 01:39:08,694
More ways to a punch line
1767
01:39:09,737 --> 01:39:13,907
They're all laughin'
at your clothes
1768
01:39:13,991 --> 01:39:17,119
Standin' in the lunch line
1769
01:39:17,202 --> 01:39:19,204
You're the talk of the town
1770
01:39:19,288 --> 01:39:21,290
First you're up then you're down
1771
01:39:21,373 --> 01:39:26,003
It's a cycle I've found
It always comes around
1772
01:39:26,086 --> 01:39:31,884
But I will still be laughin'
1773
01:39:34,470 --> 01:39:40,267
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1774
01:39:43,729 --> 01:39:47,816
Air raids in the afternoon
1775
01:39:47,900 --> 01:39:50,861
The children are playin'
1776
01:39:51,904 --> 01:39:56,241
Switchblades
Colored red balloons
1777
01:39:56,325 --> 01:39:59,161
No one hears you prayin'
1778
01:39:59,244 --> 01:40:03,415
And it comes back to you
All the things that you do
1779
01:40:03,499 --> 01:40:08,087
They'll come lookin' for you
They'll come lookin' for you
1780
01:40:08,170 --> 01:40:13,926
But I will still be laughin'
1781
01:40:16,595 --> 01:40:22,309
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1782
01:41:03,684 --> 01:41:07,771
Doorways lead to other rooms
1783
01:41:07,855 --> 01:41:10,816
Always leave you lyin'
1784
01:41:12,067 --> 01:41:16,029
Face down in a stranger's tomb
1785
01:41:16,113 --> 01:41:19,158
Didn't know you were dyin'
1786
01:41:19,241 --> 01:41:21,285
And you rise and you fall
1787
01:41:21,368 --> 01:41:23,579
And you wait for the call
1788
01:41:23,662 --> 01:41:28,083
You're watchin' the walls
You're watchin' the walls
1789
01:41:28,167 --> 01:41:33,589
But I will still be laughin'
1790
01:41:36,842 --> 01:41:42,014
I will still be laughin'
1791
01:41:44,975 --> 01:41:50,397
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1792
01:41:53,650 --> 01:41:58,906
I will still be laughin'
1793
01:42:01,784 --> 01:42:07,331
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1794
01:42:10,459 --> 01:42:15,380
I will still be laughin'
1795
01:42:15,464 --> 01:42:19,593
Laughin', laughin', laughin'
1796
01:42:21,845 --> 01:42:23,597
Laughin'
1797
01:42:27,267 --> 01:42:32,606
I will still be laughin'
1798
01:42:35,526 --> 01:42:40,656
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1799
01:42:40,739 --> 01:42:44,910
Laughin', laughin', laughin'
1800
01:42:47,246 --> 01:42:49,581
Laughin'
1801
01:42:51,708 --> 01:42:54,253
Dude.
Dude.
1802
01:42:54,336 --> 01:42:57,464
Dude.
Dude.
143443
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