All language subtitles for How To Marry A Millionaire - S01E33 - Situation Wanted

Speedboat, plaything of
the carefree and the rich.

Oh, I don't know. A working
girl can have a speedboat.

She can have a whole fleet of them.

Really?

How?

Well, first she finds someone
who is carefree and rich. Then?

Then she marries him.

Come on, Loco. I'm coming, Mike.

Let's get out of here before
your friend Douglas arrives.

What a meatball.

He's not that bad.

He's just rich. Let's face it, Loco,
millions or no millions, he's a bum.

Look, sweetie, money can't
always buy happiness. Yeah,

but it can buy an awful lot of meatballs.

Anyway, I told him not to come.

I said, Douglas Brock, I can't see
you this Saturday, so don't show up.

For heaven's sakes, haven't you got
those gloves on yet? I only have two hands.

It's taking you so long, I
thought you had six. I'm ready.

Douglas!

Now, how easy, girls. I stayed away
as long as I could, but I'm weak.

I couldn't take it. So here I am.

Well, we can't take it either.

So here we go. Oh, no, no, no, wait.

Now, wait a minute. I'll just
die if I have to go through

a whole day without seeing
that pretty little chin.

Yeah. I don't care. I told
you I can't see you today.

Greta has to work, and we're
meeting her for lunch, and I... My chin?

You said you liked my
chin before, Douglas.

Well, of course not. I hadn't
finished talking about your eyes.

Come on, loco.

Please let me in, just for a little while.

Be our guest.

Come on, Loco.

Douglas, why don't you
go down to the Bureau of

Missing Persons and see
if you're on the list?

Sorry, but I've got
something to say to Loco.

Will you marry me?

No!

Please, I'm spoiled. I
can't take no for an answer.

Well, how about never?

But I'm considered the
most wanted man in town.

By whom? The FBI?

You really are kind of irresponsible.
You've never stuck to anything in your life.

Well, that's not true.

Every Sunday for a whole year,
I've gone motorcycle racing.

Douglas, we've dallied long enough.
Greta's waiting for us at the studio.

Okay. If your silly old luncheon is
more important to you than I am, go.

Logo. I don't like that
hat with that outfit.

Well, I don't like your
hat with your outfit.

Thank you, Miss Crattler. If we decide
to use you, you'll hear from Miss Hanson.

I hope I do.

Well, what do you think
of her, Mr. Tompkins?

I'm afraid not. I want a girl
who speaks through her mouth.

What difference does it make?

Isn't the idea of the new show to help a
girl find her perfect mate scientifically?

Isn't that what
Truth-O-Vac is supposed to do?

Not supposed to do, does.

I'm not worried about Truth-O-Vac.

It's the most efficient electric
computing machine devised by man.

What I am worried about is
our audience, our rating.

Now, I'm looking for a girl
that people will want to see.

A girl with personality, charm, beauty.

Well, let's have a look at
some of those others out there.

All righty, now let's see who's next.

Oh, hi, girls. I'll be just a few
more minutes. I hope you're not starved.

If I am, I'm too hungry to notice it.

Would you excuse me for just a minute? I
want to talk to you. Who's the blonde?

My roommate Loco.

She has personality.

Charm.

Beauty.

Get her in here.

She's it. I told you in the
office, and I'm telling you now.

I don't want any romantic
involvement with the machine.

Miss Jones, you don't marry the
machine. The machine marries you.

I mean, look, we have
information ready on 5,000 young American

males who are anxious to
meet their perfect mate.

Now, why aren't you
willing to do the same?

5,000 males?

Are you suggesting that I commit bigamy?

Anyway, I'll probably
wind up marrying Douglas.

Now, don't be influenced
by his money. If his father

cuts his allowance
again, he won't have a dime.

So what? He has a whole
book full of unused checks.

Anyway, he really is sweet, and
he'll probably make a very good husband.

Why gamble?

In a fraction of a second,

Truth-O-Vac can discover
incompatibilities which would

take nine years of
living together to uncover.

I should hope so.

Who'd want to spend
nine years with a machine?

Miss Jones, I want you for this show.

Surely you can use the $500.

Who can't?

I want to pick out my husband myself.

Honey, Mr. Tompkins told you,

you don't have to marry the
man picked by the truth of act.

I don't?

Only if you want to.

The machine is just going to show
you the kind of man you should marry.

And I can keep the 500? Yes!

Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, well, I knew she'd come through.
Oh, Tucky. Yes, sir? As you can see,

Miss Jones has agreed to
be our female subject.

Get her dada ready.

My dada?

Aren't you a little old to be
talking baby talk? Besides,

what's he got to do with it?

Miss Jones, data is the plural of
datum, meaning fact. It's Latin.

Oh.

Well, next time, speak English.

Yes.

Well, I have to be running
along. I'll see you at the broadcast.

Now, you give Mr. Zahn all
the information he wants,

and Mike and I will take
ourselves off to a movie.

Now, this is largely a matter of
a few simple tests and questions.

We might as well start with
the word association test.

I will say a word, and you just say the
first thing that comes into your mouth.

Winter.

Mink.

Summer.

Mink.

Autumn.

Mink.

Miss Jones, aren't you in a rut, or do
you just like the sound of the word?

I just like mink.

I see.

Night.

Breakfast.

Breakfast at night?

It saves me time in the
morning so I can sleep later.

Monday always is my worst day.

Gold.

Douglas.

Excuse me.

What's a Douglas?

That's a Douglas.

Who's the guy? Throw him out.

Don't be rude.

This is Mr. Zahn. He's
giving me tests for Greta's boss.

I'm obtaining from Miss Jones data
that will indicate her personality,

behavior pattern, likes,
dislikes, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, well,

I can save you a lot of time, then.

Personality? Plenty.
Behavior? Well, a little irregular.

Likes?

Me.

Oh, Douglas.

Make me a martini.

Coming up.

I'm starved.

In that case, I'll put in two olives.

There's one thing you have to say for
that loco. She's off the beaten path.

But that's where the best berries grow.

But I can't say.

My rural experience has been limited.

You see...

By means of an electronic computer,

we intend to choose Miss Jones'
perfect mate out of 5,000 males.

You do, huh?

The electronic computer?

We used to do the same
thing by spinning a bottle,

and we didn't run any of the
risk of blowing a fuse either.

Ah, I think I can save you a
lot of trouble and electricity.

You're looking at the
perfect mate for Loco.

That is purely an emotional opinion.

But remember, we are
living in a technological age.

All right, I'll prove it.

I'll become one of your
5,000 guinea pigs. Sorry,

but we already have a
sufficient number of applicants.

Speaking mathematically... All
right, let's speak mathematically.

Well, I'm listening.

Ladies and gentlemen, in
the last three seconds,

you have seen Truth-O-Vac commit
to memory the likes, dislikes...

Personality traits and habits of
five thousand and one American males.

And one? I thought it was five thousand.

The and one is Douglas Brock.

He found out what was going
on and put in his application.

As far as I'm concerned,
application denied. Don't worry.

They have nothing in common.

Yeah, you know it, and I know it.

But does Truth-O-Vac know it?

Our Mr. Zahn is about to
feed into Truth-O-Vac's

memory the information on Miss Loco-Joke.

Lovely New York model.

Are you ready to do that, Mr. Zahn?

I am ready. In a matter
of seconds, after Mr.

Zahn places a coded card in Truth-O-Vac,

it will contain a complete
description of Miss Jones.

Go ahead, Mr. Zahn.

Be sure to say I like Chinese food.

Imagine.

In a minute, that machine
will pick out Loco's dream man.

Think of all the years of
looking around it saves.

If only it could refund the money
she spent on clothes while looking.

Mr. Zod, is Truth-O-Vac ready?

Truth-O-Vac is ready.

Are you ready, Miss Jones?

I guess so.

Prepare to throw the switch.

Five, four, three, two,
one. Ladies and gentlemen.

The name of Miss Jones's
perfect husband is printed

on this slip of paper.
Oh, Miss Jones, please.

We're all just as anxious as you are.

Miss Loco-Jones, your
perfect husband is...

Mr. Douglas Brock of New York City!

Can't you sleep either?

No.

I've counted so many sheep,

I don't think I could look
another lamb chop in the face.

Do they have to elope tonight?

Gosh.

In a little while,
they'll be in Greenwich.

In an hour, they'll be married.

And by tomorrow morning, Douglas'
father will have cut off his allowance,

and in a year, we'll be
calling Loco poor Loco.

Poor Loco.

That year certainly went fast. Oh, don't
worry. Maybe it'll turn out all right.

Maybe they'll get arrested for
reckless driving before they reach Greenwich.

Who could that be? It's after midnight.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Come in, Tucky.

I'm sorry to disturb you ladies
at this hour, but is it true?

Have they gone to get
married? I heard it on the radio.

It's true.

Oh, dear me.

Do you mind very much if I sit down?

What's the matter?

He told me it was only a
joke. He gave me his word.

He never said anything about really
marrying her. What are you talking about?

I didn't want to do
it. I declined at first.

He kept waving his
checkbook in front of me.

I couldn't refuse.

Wait a minute.

You mean the Douglas bride drew to fix
the machine so that it would pick him?

What an awful thing to do.

He assured me it was only a lark.

If there's anything I can do
to rectify what I've done...

You and I are going to Greenwich.

Get on that phone and call
the justice of the peace.

I think his name begins with a Q.

Tell him to hold off the
wedding until we get there.

Okay.

Tucky, how could you?

I suppose I do deserve punishment.

My professional and moral
ethics are seriously impaired.

My conscience is killing me.

And worst of all, the check bounced.

That's right, Mother. That's
right. They just pulled up now.

Oh, I don't know how
long I'm going to be here.

I got to stall this couple
until the bride's friends get here.

They said it was a
matter of life and death.

Yeah.

Here they are now. I've
got to hang up my end.

Come in.

Hey, Mother, doesn't this remind you of
Rudolph Valentino and the Spy? Hello,

Judge Quincy. Oh, hello there. I'm
Douglas Brock, and this is Loco Jones.

I'm sorry we got you up in the middle
of the night. Oh, think nothing of it.

Had to get up to answer
the telephone anyway.

Say, how long, at least,
you figure on for the house?

Oh, you two wouldn't be
hornswoggling on a country boy, would you?

Let me tell you about
this house. Oh, look, Dad,

we didn't come here to rent a
house. We came here to get married.

Oh, a wedding, huh?

When do you plan on holding up?

There'll be no nuptials
until after the wedding.

Glad to see the brides get a sense of you.

Say, that reminds me. I heard a
real knee slapper the other day.

Seems like this fellow went
down to Mexico, and he met

these two beautiful
twins, named Polly and Molly.

Well, he didn't cotton much to Polly,
but he took a great shine to Molly.

In other words, he was cold
to Polly and hot to Molly.

Hot tamale, you get it?
Yeah, we get the message. Now,

can we get along with the
business at hand, please? Oh, yeah,

I'll get the certificate.

Oh, good. Now we're making
progress. Yeah, take the young lady first.

Miss Jones.

Now, what did you say
your first name was? Jones.

I said your first name.

Well, Jones was my first name.

My parents didn't decide on
Loco until after I was born.

Well, Judge, it's getting a little late.

Can we get on with
the... All right, all right.

You ever been inoculated for rabies?

Rabies?

Oh!

That's one on me. This is a
certificate for a dog license.

What are you trying to pull? Well,

I'll get right on with it as soon
as I find the right certificate.

Oh, here's one.

Stop the wedding!

It hasn't started yet.
What are you doing here?

Loco, Douglas bribed Tucky to fix the
machine so he'd win. I don't believe this.

That's my girl. It's a lot of nonsense.

Well, here's his check.
Look at the signature.

This isn't Douglas' check. This
is Millicent, Millicent Fundy.

Put your glasses on, Loco. That's
insufficient funds. Sure stuff is the signature.

All right, all right, I gave him a check.
For two tickets to the policeman's ball.

For $600.

Maybe it's formal.

Look, Truth-O-Back picked
me, so that settles it.

Just a minute.

Since you claim the machine wasn't fixed,

you should have no
objection to taking the test again.

You're wasting my time.

Well, that's one thing you don't
seem to mind wasting yourself.

Oh, Loco, when we're married,

we're going to have to see these two
characters regularly every ten years.

Maybe, Douglas, we shouldn't get married
until we do try the truth of act again.

Wonderful. I'll call Tucky.

Oh, no, you don't.

Any man who would
accept a bribe... I mean,

any man who would say that I
bribed him is untrustworthy.

All right, Douglas, if it'll make
you happy, I'll also call Dr. Milmoss.

Well, that's better.

Who's Dr. Millmoss? The man
who invented Truth-O-Vac.

He's very nice, and I'm sure
he won't mind helping out.

Douglas?

All right.

We might be back later for the
rest of our wedding, Judge Quincy,

so don't lose your place.

Oh, Dr. Milmoss, it's
so kind of you to come.

It's a privilege, dear lady.

Mike Loco, this is Dr. Kurt Milmoss.

He's the inventor of truth...
Of the differential analyzer,

the three-stage
cyclotron, and the truthy fact.

How clever.

I never could do anything with my hands.

It's just a net,
especially when you're a genius.

Oh, I wish Tucky would get
here so we can get started.

He's the one who fixed
Truthifact to give the wrong answer.

Oh, who needs him?

Besides, Truthifact could not be fixed.

It couldn't?

No.

But it just doesn't seem possible that
Douglas Brock could be the right man.

If Truthifact says so, it's so.

Where is this Brock?

Next door having a drink.

We made him stay away so he
couldn't influence the machine.

Could little ants move a
choo-choo train? Possible.

But you will run the problem again.

Please.

Why not?

Now I'll show you.

One, two, three.

She don't go.

Oh, maybe the
impedance coordinator is out.

Nein? Okay.

Now, if the oscillator don't oscillate
it, the transformer don't transform.

Maybe it isn't plugged in. See? Yeah.

Oh, Milmos, you dumper. This one has a
good scientific mind. Plug in, Liebchen.

There, see? Oh, fine.

Oh, no, Douglas Brock of New York City.
Are you sure there wasn't some mistake?

Oh, Douglas, the machine picked you again.

Well, naturally. Come on,
dear, Judge Quincy's waiting.

Let him wait.

Dr. Milmoss, would you
try it again, just for me?

Look, don't you ever give up. The
machine has already picked me twice.

Well, this is three out of five.

Just once more, doctor, please.

Douglas Brock of New York City. Well,
that settles it. We're getting married.

I hope you, Loco, and Truth of
Act will be very happy together.

It can't be right. They have
nothing in common. Oh, don't go, Loco.

Nothing just isn't right.

Oh, the scientist I am.
Beatrice Fairfax, I'm not.

How many times must I tell you?
Tucky, what took you so long?

You know I live out in
Elmhurst. I couldn't get a cab.

Well, let's get this over with.

It's no good for one
to go without a sleep.

That's right. It can lead to insomnia.

Too late, Tucky. Dr. Milmoss
himself ran several tests,

and they all spelled Douglas Brock.

D-O-O-M.

Of course they did, and they always will.

What do you mean?

What shenanigans have you
been making with my machine?

Oh, I didn't do anything to
your machine. It's perfect. See?

All I did was...

He did wrong information about Brock.

What?

Lies you fed to my machine?

All I had to do was have his
likes parallel those of Loco's likes.

And when I say out, I mean scram!

Look, Loco, I... Douglas, if
there's anything I can't stand,

it's a fellow who will
force a man who is running

an electronic machine to tell lies.

Okay, if there's anything I can't stand,

it's a girl who needs a
machine and an old strudel

of a scientist to help her
make up her mind. Strudel!

Out!

Don't cry, Leaveson. This time,

Truthy Fack will tell us the true
Prince Charming for you. First,

I take Brock out of Truthy Fack.

Robert James Montgomery III
of Southampton, New York. Oh,

it sounds wonderful. Just great.

So, Liebchen, at last you
have your prince charming.

Oh, he doesn't have to
be a prince or anything.

I just want someone young, handsome,
intelligent, charming, and rich. You know,

an average American boy.
And now, out of 5,000,

the boy most like you

Robert James Montgomery III. So?

You look better in real
life than you sound on TV.

Oh, well, that's probably because the
acoustics are better. You like fruit, yeah?

I mean, oh, yes.

And you, Robert? Oh, sure. No
fruit bowl should be without it.

I think I'll have a banana.

Robert, aren't you going to peel it?

What for?

I know what's inside.

Dr. Milmoth, could you come with me
for a moment, please? Excuse us, Robert.

Dr. Milmoth, I know he's
terribly sweet, but gosh, I don't know.

Am I anything like
him? Of course, Liebchen.

Only on you, it looks good.