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1
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Greetings, ladies and gentlemen!
2
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,143
Welcome to my acting debut
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00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,729
in the hamlet known
as Metropolis.
4
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,399
Thank you, thank you!
5
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,985
This is the first in my
series of one-man shows
6
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:32,406
about iconic historical
moments from the point of view
7
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,784
of someone who was not there.
8
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,996
Tonight's performance
of Pearl Harbor
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00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,581
features Giovanni,
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00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:44,752
a salt of the earth
cobbler in Napoli, Italy,
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00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,795
who died fully 20 years
12
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:52,469
before the Japanese
bombed Pearl Harbor.
13
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,891
This shoe looks pretty good.
14
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,601
I love the way it shine.
15
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:04,021
Hey, I'mma wonder what's
happening in Pearl Harbor
16
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,522
twenty years from now.
17
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:08,693
Oh, well, back to work.
18
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,655
I have been up all night,
19
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:16,408
awaiting the early edition
of the Daily Planet
20
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:20,204
reviewing my one-man show!
21
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,331
Ah!
22
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:23,208
Magic time!
23
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:28,170
Hmm. Didn't make the
front page, I see.
24
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,505
Well, no matter.
25
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,174
They probably saved
the best for last.
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00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:35,135
"Mister Face's wildly
problematic adaptation
27
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,346
of Pearl Harbor is as flawed
28
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,432
as his Italian hate
crime of an accent."
29
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,394
Oh, wait, hold on.
That is not right.
30
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,229
Ah, here we go, here we go.
31
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:48,774
"Mister Face is
phenomenally talented...
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00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,986
at making you wish you
had never been born."
33
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,824
Fret not, ol' chap. I
know what you're thinking.
34
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,743
That we should've domesticated
raccoons instead of cats?
35
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:03,080
No! That I must confront
the topmost brass
36
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:06,083
at the Daily Planet!
37
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,618
This isn't over, Pamela.
38
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,333
Okay. It was just a dream.
39
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,126
It was just a dream.
He's dead. He's--
40
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,795
It's over.
41
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,090
Morning, Ives. You sleep okay?
42
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:56,508
Uh...
43
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,178
I... I've definitely
slept better.
44
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,180
- Oh, God. Thank you.
- Mwah.
45
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,723
So, you remember last
night, when I asked you
46
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,350
how your day was, and
you said, "It was fine"?
47
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,809
Ye... Yeah?
48
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,561
Did you maybe forget
to mention the tiny bit
49
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,980
where you met your
toxic, abusive, ugly ex
50
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,648
and then murdered his ass?
51
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:14,276
What the fu-- They just
called me a "freak accident."
52
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,613
You know, the media?
They hate women.
53
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,282
I... I can explain.
54
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,742
So you killed Jason Woodrue
55
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,660
in the same exact
way he killed you?
56
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:26,455
In the same exact way
that he tried to kill me.
57
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:29,375
And yet I'm still
here. And he's not.
58
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,959
Sweetie, I'm not done with that.
59
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,169
I... I just wasn't done.
60
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:33,545
- Swe--
- Oh, really? Really?
61
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,422
I didn't know because
you didn't tell me!
62
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,216
Harls, okay, let
me just clarify,
63
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,802
'cause me not telling
you about Jason
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00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,720
has nothing to do
with you. It's just--
65
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,764
It's just that you didn't share
this huge moment of reckoning
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00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:45,766
with one of the most traumatic
incidents in your past
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00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,434
with your partner,
who loves you.
68
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,770
Sweetie? I didn't
want you to worry.
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00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:50,813
I love worrying!
70
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,523
I worry about shit all the time.
71
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,858
Like, will there be a
berry crisis in the future?
72
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,152
Can people see my
mustache in the sun?
73
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,445
Will my girlfriend
be honest with me
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00:03:58,446 --> 00:03:59,530
when she's going
through something,
75
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,073
so I can help her process it?
76
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,117
It's not-- There's
nothing to process.
77
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,535
How did you feel
about killing him?
78
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,120
Did you get closure?
Did you have a chance
79
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:07,579
to vent your anger and tell
him he's a piece of shit?
80
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:08,997
Aw, shit.
81
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,708
Look, my presentation
for the Green Initiative
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00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,501
is in an hour, and
I gotta, you know,
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00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,462
take care of some stuff
before, and, you know--
84
00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,006
Yeah, you gotta take
your morning shit.
85
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,340
- Yeah. Yeah.
- See?
86
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,758
Isn't it easier when
you just say things?
87
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:22,052
Harley, you can be mad
at me if you want to,
88
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,679
but it still mean a lot to me
89
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,681
if you could just come to my
presentation and support me.
90
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:27,057
Okay. But this Jason thing--
91
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,393
Honey, uh, we gotta go.
92
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,437
I gotta go. I... I
actually have to go.
93
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,521
We gotta talk about this later.
94
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,648
This conversation isn't over!
95
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,027
Oh, wait, you just
said that. Ugh!
96
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,696
Lois, enough with your claptrap.
97
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,740
I wanna hear more about
this dead professor.
98
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,616
Police only found a pile of goo.
99
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,076
- Called it a freak accident.
- I've been--
100
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,703
- In Metropolis? Ridiculous.
- This is what--
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00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,204
This city is damn near perfect.
102
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,581
Something's fishy here.
103
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,416
That's exactly what I told you!
104
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,626
I walked in and I said,
"Something's fishy here."
105
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:56,587
I think you got that from me.
106
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:59,715
I must speak to the
editor-in-chief!
107
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,050
That's me. What do you want?
108
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,052
I demand a retraction.
109
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,094
Good luck with that. Bye.
110
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,929
This must be a mistake.
111
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,015
"The only thing
worse than the acting
112
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,601
in Mister Face's one-man show
113
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,270
is the casting!"
114
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,314
Have you no taste?
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00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,733
This is an attack
on the theater.
116
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:21,612
Nay, nay. This is an
attack on art itself.
117
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,447
Fuck off, I heard the
play was terrible.
118
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,532
Not worse than
gout, but damn near.
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00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,910
Trust me, I know gout.
120
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,745
No, that cannot be
your final word.
121
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,955
You must come to this
evening's performance
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00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,999
and write me an unbiased review.
123
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,127
The only way that dog crap
show gets a good review
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00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,962
is if you write it yourself.
125
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:42,467
That's brilliant!
126
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,972
Wow. Can't believe
Professor Woodrue exploded.
127
00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:51,225
Good news is I can
probably get an extension
128
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,769
on my paleo-botany paper.
129
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,482
So, as you can see here,
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00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,484
by linking the soil beds
131
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:04,154
with the city's existing
subterranean water supply,
132
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:07,991
we can intertwine greenery
and chrome seamlessly,
133
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:13,038
giving new meaning to
the term "urban jungle."
134
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:16,375
Hey, I'm here to
unconditionally support you.
135
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,168
But we still need to talk.
136
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,796
Uh, thank you. Um, so anyway,
137
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:24,049
uh, Metropolis has
a long way to go,
138
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,511
but as with everything,
this green revolution
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00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:30,514
will start with the
"seed" of an idea.
140
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,683
Seed.
141
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,855
Laugh, ya weenies!
142
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:39,606
I have a question.
143
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,775
- What the fuck? Stop it.
- You heard her, stop laughing.
144
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,111
They won't do that
again, continue.
145
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,864
Uh, excuse me. I just
was a little nervous.
146
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,615
It's just public
speaking, I guess.
147
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,951
- So, where were we?
- Right here.
148
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,413
I'm coming for you.
149
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,123
Ah!
150
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,542
This is not real.
This is not happening.
151
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,169
Uh, Ive?
152
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,712
Class dismissed, ya nerds.
153
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,049
Ive-- Ivy!
154
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,384
Hey, you're doing great.
155
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,470
Those weenies were writing
down every word you said
156
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:10,846
and I didn't
understand any of it,
157
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,639
which means it was real
intellectual stuff.
158
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,392
I... I think I'm
going out of my mind.
159
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,478
Yes, okay. See, I don't like
160
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:18,771
how we left things
this morning either.
161
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,357
No. No, it's not
that-- I mean, yes.
162
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:22,566
But, right now, I just--
163
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,651
I really need to
get myself together.
164
00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:26,445
You know what? You
probably need to eat.
165
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,571
We should get lunch
and talk it out.
166
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,865
No. I'm not hungry, really--
167
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,659
Ives, whatever is going on,
you can tell me. Please.
168
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:36,372
Nothing is going on. I
just feel like I'm going...
169
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,833
Going to need to go into
The Green real quick. Okay?
170
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,293
I'm gonna need to meditate.
171
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,420
Fine. I guess I'll just
go eat lunch by myself
172
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:44,880
like some kind of sad asshole.
173
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,967
- Thank you for understanding.
- Ugh. Shit.
174
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,098
Oh.
175
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,266
Ew. What is that?
176
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,601
Ugh. Okay.
177
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,283
Jason is dead.
178
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,702
You are safe.
179
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,537
You just need to get some sleep.
180
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,831
Oh.
181
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,793
Well, hi to you,
too, little fella.
182
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,214
Aw. Look at you.
183
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,556
Oh!
184
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,975
Is that what you
wanted to show me?
185
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:42,104
That's a beautiful,
beautiful white oak.
186
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,188
Yeah.
187
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,149
Huh?
188
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,366
What the fuck?
189
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,374
- Jason?
- Oh, no, no.
190
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,876
Now I go by...
191
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,129
Floronic Man!
192
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,840
You look...
193
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,008
fucking terrible.
194
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,344
Oh. Would you feel
more comfortable
195
00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:15,262
if I did this?
196
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,056
Somehow that's much worse.
197
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,725
You're right, I'm
way hotter now.
198
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,393
How... How are you here?
199
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,811
Because of you.
200
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,522
Your vines, combined
with the toxic gases,
201
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,691
turned me into this.
202
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,027
You know, at first, I
was a little pissed.
203
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,403
But I did a lot of thinking
204
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,280
since you left me
to die yesterday,
205
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,949
and I realized why
you did this to me.
206
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,702
You wanted me to
be just like you.
207
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,871
You're nothing like me!
208
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,005
Huh?
209
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:53,217
You're right. I'm
much, much, much,
210
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,386
much stronger than you.
211
00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:00,224
Where do you think you're going?
212
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,103
Why are you doing this?
213
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,563
Well, I'd love to tell
you that this was all
214
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,232
part of some master plan
215
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:11,068
to take over Metropolis
and then the world.
216
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:15,114
But the truth is, I just
really wanted to kill you.
217
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,494
Okay, Ivy. I gave
you your time,
218
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:23,080
I gave you your space, but
we gotta hash this out.
219
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:26,375
Nothing is more important
than honesty in a relationship
220
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,710
and the honest truth is,
221
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,586
I am so freakin'
verklempt right now--
222
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,047
Ives?
223
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,967
Ah!
224
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,301
Ives, wake up.
225
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,428
Ivy!
226
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,605
Now, to craft an unbiased review
227
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,774
of my own one-man show.
228
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,862
The terror of the blank page.
229
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,448
Mr. White, I now
know why they pay you
230
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:59,074
the big bucks to do this.
231
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,326
I don't know what you're
fucking playing at,
232
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,454
you son of a bitch.
233
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:06,373
I bit my tongue. Again.
234
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,374
Hmm.
235
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,836
It appears my
subconscious is suggesting
236
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:14,506
I may need the help
of a literary giant.
237
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,843
Jesus Christ.
238
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,095
Clayface, I had to
take three trains,
239
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:23,015
a ferry, and a
pedicab to get here.
240
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,017
Is this even part of Metropolis?
241
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,977
As you can see, Mr. White,
242
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:29,313
I settled for a literal giant
243
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,482
instead of a literary one.
244
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,275
That sucks.
245
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:36,028
I'm flattered,
although I'm not sure
246
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,739
what you're hoping I can
bring to the project.
247
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,115
Grammar!
248
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,909
I will supply the words,
but you will put in
249
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,869
the requisite
periods and commas.
250
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,622
Hmm. Or stack them
for a semicolon.
251
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:50,834
I read your blog post entitled
My Hemorrhoid Surgery.
252
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,002
Brilliant!
253
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,505
Your prose was so evocative,
254
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,131
sharp as the scalpel they used
255
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,717
to remove your
swollen anal masses.
256
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,511
If you can do that
for your rectum,
257
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:04,515
imagine what you can do for
my Pearl Harbor extravaganza.
258
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,643
I specialize in 'stravaganzas.
259
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:08,936
Brilliant!
260
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,355
But don't spill your
seed on the ground,
261
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,898
save it for the page.
262
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,275
And so we begin.
263
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,819
The year was...
264
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,237
not relevant,
265
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:22,032
for it was timeless in
that black box theatre
266
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,119
upon which Clayface strode.
267
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,247
That's pretty good, maybe
you should just write it.
268
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,207
- No. Make it your own.
- Okay.
269
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,543
- But say exactly this.
- Mmm.
270
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:35,504
"Not since the immortal
bard of Stratford-upon-Avon
271
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,841
has the world witnessed a
show the equal of Macbeth...
272
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,676
- Oh, hold on how do I get--
- Until now."
273
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:44,430
All the little bars are
jammed on each other. Damn it!
274
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,349
Hmm. What is a synonym
for "transcendent"?
275
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:48,559
Mmm.
276
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,353
What is an unpretentious
word for "unrivaled"?
277
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:53,063
Oh, God. Kill me. Kill me!
278
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,607
Can we beat the
word "unbeatable"?
279
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,608
No.
280
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,110
Ha-ha!
281
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,404
I think it's pretty good.
282
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,739
Should we proof it?
283
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,365
I don't need to proof it,
284
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,616
I lived it.
285
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,744
And I happen to know that...
286
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:11,081
Mr. White is ready
to publish it as-is!
287
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,834
Terrible. I don't
sound like that.
288
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,837
What the fuck is going on?
289
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:20,966
This isn't working.
290
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,968
I don't know anything
about plant shit.
291
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,595
Ah!
292
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:27,723
I should've listened to your
boring lecture this morning.
293
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,600
Help. Help. Hello?
294
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,934
Is anyone here?
295
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,604
God damn it. Who
knows about this crap?
296
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,192
Hello-- Mmm.
297
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,027
Harley, goddamn. This better
be some end-of-the-world shit
298
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,071
if you're pullin' me
away from my lady.
299
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,822
I was just about to
get my fertilize on.
300
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,783
Listen, Ivy's in trouble.
301
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,077
And how long you been sitting
on that little nugget?
302
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,453
What the fuck is
goin' on with Ivy?
303
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,163
She went into The
Green and she's--
304
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,957
Oh, shit! Something in
there is fucking her up bad.
305
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,585
Hold on, I'm gonna take a peek.
306
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:01,256
Ah!
307
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,508
Ha!
308
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,301
Holy fucking ravioli.
309
00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:10,474
Ah!
310
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,851
I always knew you
were a monster, Jason,
311
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,312
even before you looked like one.
312
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,984
I'm gonna kill you,
for good this time.
313
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,489
Unlikely. You've really
lost your touch, Pamela.
314
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,578
Okay, I found out a few things.
315
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,247
There's a guy who looks
like a tree in there,
316
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,249
Jason-something,
tryin' to kill Ivy.
317
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:38,085
And let me tell you something,
this man is succeeding.
318
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,670
Jason?
319
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,463
Wait, that's Ivy's ex.
She killed him last night.
320
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,257
Oh, yeah, he
definitely ain't dead.
321
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,134
You need to go find
his unconscious body
322
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,885
and torch his ass.
323
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,595
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
the article in the Daily Planet
324
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,472
said they found his
remains in the lab.
325
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,266
You think he might've gone
back to the scene of the crime?
326
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,268
Shit. You know what?
It's worth a shot.
327
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,020
I'm gonna go to The
Green and stall him
328
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,188
so he doesn't kill Ivy
before you find her.
329
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,606
Hurry, Harley. Let's go.
330
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,193
Ugh. Okay, hold on,
Ives. I'll save you!
331
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,532
Listen up, Newspaper Folk.
332
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:11,785
I have in my hands perhaps
the finest piece of writing
333
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:15,247
- I have ever writted-- read.
- Well, that's pretty--
334
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:19,543
This "Bane" is the greatest
investigative theater critic
335
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,920
- of our generation.
- Wait, I don't--
336
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,423
He called Clayface's
one-man show
337
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,925
- "A phantasmic triumph."
- Oh--
338
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:30,137
Now that's just good writing.
339
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,930
This is the kinda
content we need.
340
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,934
- Well, you gotta try to--
- Get to work!
341
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,729
All right, let me call you back.
342
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,231
Perry, there's something
funny going on in this city.
343
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:44,360
Well, Pearl Harbor
is more of a drama,
344
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,695
but it does have its
share of chuckles.
345
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,905
Not that.
346
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,198
There have been
several sightings
347
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,824
of an unidentified flying object
348
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,076
in Metropolis' air space.
349
00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:53,369
Yeah, I almost
got a photo of it,
350
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,913
but my lens cap was on. Sorry.
351
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,748
You had one job, Jimmy.
352
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,750
And on top of that, we're
getting various reports
353
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:02,294
of people being plagued by
nightmares about a skull.
354
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,588
There's a story here,
Perry. I can smell it.
355
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:05,964
I just need the
green-light from you.
356
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,800
Yes, but no.
357
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,886
It's not the job of a
journalist to ask questions.
358
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:15,432
It's our job to spotlight
local artistic brilliance!
359
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,769
Like this Clayface fella.
He's simply blowing up.
360
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,605
But, Perry, I know this is
just the tip of the iceberg.
361
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:25,818
I am not playing "just the
tip" with you, Miss Lane.
362
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:30,322
I have some questions
about this dental plan.
363
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,450
Does it, uh, cover adult braces?
364
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,827
No!
365
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,912
Miss Lane, let me introduce
you to our new lead columnist
366
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:40,124
who, like Napoleon
and Cher, Moby,
367
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,085
needs only one name,
and that name is--
368
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:45,754
Bane? Bane is our
lead columnist?
369
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,214
Pleased to meet you.
370
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:50,426
I understand we are
going to share a cubicle?
371
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,928
You've got to be kidding me!
372
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:02,187
Ah!
373
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,648
Hey, broccoli man, over here!
374
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,984
Why don't you pick on a
plant your own damn size?
375
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,446
Frank! No.
376
00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,448
- Get outta here!
- I got this, Ivy.
377
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:13,657
Frank?
378
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,784
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is baby Frank?
379
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:18,162
Who you callin' baby?
I'm a grown-ass plant.
380
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,705
Who the fuck are you?
381
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,165
I am--
382
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,917
Floronic Man. Can you
believe that name?
383
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,170
What the fuck is a floronic man?
384
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,672
More like a moronic
man. You heard that?
385
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,757
How dare--
386
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,760
You know what? I am
not going to engage.
387
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,054
I am just going to do this.
388
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,806
Ah!
389
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,516
You know, when I first saw you,
390
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:42,311
you were just a little
sapling in the lab,
391
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:45,522
so full of potential,
a living marvel.
392
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:49,151
The perfect mesh of
human and plant DNA.
393
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:52,821
And now, you've
turned into this.
394
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,114
Pathetic.
395
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,616
Wha-- You listen here,
you little birch,
396
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,242
no one talks to Frank like that.
397
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,037
Except for Rosie, and I
pay her to do that shit.
398
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,143
God damn it, and that
was my good tooth.
399
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,547
Ah!
400
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,511
What the--
401
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:24,395
Now where is that
splinter dick's lab?
402
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,896
- Mmm-hmm. Oh.
- Yup, yup.
403
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,064
Good, good, good, good.
404
00:18:27,065 --> 00:18:28,399
- Ooh.
- Hold it. Okay.
405
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,692
And cum.
406
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:32,319
All right, time to
orgasm, 17.5 minutes.
407
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,406
Uh, wrong lab, but I do
love whatever this is.
408
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:36,782
Ah! What is--
409
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,283
Oh, wait. Yep, that's helium.
410
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,496
Another sex experiment?
411
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,706
No, we're just having sex.
412
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,958
God! I miss grad school.
413
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,049
Ah!
414
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,552
There you are, you
son of a bitch!
415
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,639
- I love you, Ivy!
- I love you, too, Frank.
416
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,308
If I don't make it through this,
417
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,476
you know how you always
lose your lipstick?
418
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,853
- Yeah.
- I've been eatin' 'em.
419
00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:07,813
All of them? Those
are fucking expensive!
420
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,566
Enough with the
goddamn lipstick.
421
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:11,609
Ah!
422
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,780
Goodbye, my Sweet Pamela.
423
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,457
Ah!
424
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:30,210
Wha--
425
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,920
Oh, my God. Are you good?
426
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,130
No.
427
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,840
I'm fuckin' great.
428
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,677
The fuck, Frank? They
discontinued that one.
429
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:44,808
You!
430
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:49,563
You psychotic,
clown, skank bitch!
431
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:50,814
Rude.
432
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,575
I liked you better when
you were unconscious.
433
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:57,071
Timber!
434
00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:58,822
I have always
wanted to say that.
435
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:06,455
Why. Won't. You.
Just. Die. Already?
436
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,378
Ew!
437
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,171
Are you dead?
438
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:15,172
Oh, you're dead.
439
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:20,387
Ives? Ivy?
440
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,391
Holy shit, Harls.
441
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:27,726
You saved me.
442
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,520
Well, of course, I did.
443
00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,647
Listen, I'm so sorry I made
this whole thing about me.
444
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,399
When you didn't
tell me about Jason,
445
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,359
it just got to me, 'cause
you shouldn't hide things
446
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,360
from the people you love.
447
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:38,362
No. You're right, Harls.
448
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,114
I should've told you everything.
449
00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:41,990
And I realize that this...
450
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,451
This isn't something
that I could just,
451
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,829
you know, sweep under the rug.
452
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,540
Well, good news is we
have plenty of wood
453
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:51,125
for the bedroom fireplace.
454
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,710
It is actually electric.
455
00:20:52,711 --> 00:20:54,920
Just 'cause of, um,
the carbon footprint.
456
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,046
But, yes.
457
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,008
- Huh?
- Whoa. Whoa.
458
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:01,218
Look, assholes, I don't know
what you think you're doing,
459
00:21:01,219 --> 00:21:02,720
but he was the bad guy.
460
00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:04,555
Yeah, where were
you ten minutes ago?
461
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:07,057
We did your job for
you. You're welcome.
462
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,852
Are you guys gonna move
or are you gonna-- Wha--
463
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:23,866
- What the shit?
- Where the hell are we?
464
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:28,454
What are we going to
do with them, Koko?
465
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:31,458
Indeed.
31209
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