All language subtitles for Night.Court.2023.S03E07.WEB (SDH)

-Must be a glitch
in the system.

We got thrown a bunch
of extra cases.

-No, I asked for those
on purpose.

Now that Jake and I are over,
I thought I'd turn my attention

back to my first love.

-Lance Bass?

-Okay, second love --
Lady Justice.

She'd never tell me
bye bye bye.

-Well, we can say bye bye bye
to ever getting out of here.

Flobert, bring in the rest
of the files!

[ Vehicle backup alert beeping ]

-Oh, oh.

Sorry, that was
my phone ringing.

I have to take this.

Hello. To continue in English,
press one.

Para continuar en Espanol,
oprima dos.

-Okay, let's start
our never-ending night.

The People versus
Alex White and Penny Kristoff.

They are charged with
trespassing while skydiving.

-Your Honor, Ms. Kristoff
has decided to defend herself,

so technically,
Mr. White is my client.

Could you guys "veh-veh-veh"?

-These two are charged
with trespassing

when they landed
on Gracie Mansion

after a mid-air breakup
took them wildly off-course.

-Maybe don't use the "B" word
in front of you-know-who?

-I prefer the term
kicked to the curb.

Nope, love vomited.

She got love vomited.

-Guys, I'm fine.
This is nothing like my breakup.

Jake would never
jump out of a plane.

Coward.

Proceed.

-My client proposed
while skydiving

and was rejected.

-After we jumped, my life
flashed before my eyes,

and he wasn't in it.

-Is it because
you met someone else?

Is it that guy
strapped to your back?

-Your Honor, this relationship
was doomed from the jump.

And I beg you
to remain impartial,

even considering
your recent...love vomiting.

-$50 fine. Let's take a five.

And thank you for your concern,
Mr. Fielding,

but no one needs to worry
about me.

I am Jake'ing just fine.

Doing just Jake.

I be good.

-Well, I guess we don't
have to worry about her.

She seems to be
handling things all right.

[ Abby screams ]

-See? I told you. Totally fine.

-She's single.

[ Knock on door ]

-Hey! I found you
more extra work.

They need a substitute judge
in...Buffalo.

-Court or wing-eating contest?

Please say both.

-Before you drive north to a
place that's somehow the south,

have you considered a rebound?

You know, do something crazy
with someone dangerous.

You know they're bad for you,

mm, but the attention
feels so good.

-Did somebody order a me?

-You got me an escort?

I don't have the resources
to "Pretty Woman" this guy.

-No! This is my friend Sam.
We met at the gym.

He's a personal trainer
who somehow drives a Maserati.

Oh, he is an escort.

-Thanks, Sam,
but I think I'm going to stick

with throwing myself into work.

That is a nice car, so I'm sure
you're very good at what you do.

-I also own a boat.

-Bye, Sam.

How is my girl holding up?

-Your girl?

I don't think
we've ever made eye contact.

Unless you count that time
in the bathroom

when our eyes met through
the crack in the stall door.

-What can I say?
I-I feel a connection to you.

I too know the cruel sting
of rejection.

From what losers have told me.

You'll get through this,
but you can't do it alone.

-Please say you're
not inviting me to an orgy.

-I am.

An orgy of empowerment.
No, it's a support group,

a community of women
who -- who are like-minded

and who boost each other up.

-How strict are you
on the whole "woman" part?

Because I recently realized my
friend group is mostly gigolos.

-Wyatt, you know,
this is only for women

who are at a particularly
low point in their lives.

But as we like to say,
every moment is low

if tomorrow is higher.

-My brain doesn't get it,
but, ooh, my heart does.

-There's gonna be a lot more
of that at tonight's meeting.

Now, all you need to bring
is an open mind.

And me.
Uh, I would take an Uber,

but the drivers keep
falling in love with me.

-So you said no
to a rebound with Sam,

who has abs on his back.

But you might go to a women's
group led by an ex-con?

-You said I needed to do
something crazy

with someone dangerous.

What's crazier than going to
a second location with Julianne?

-Whoa, Dan, nice bag.

You look like
a fashionable teen from Japan.

-Security confiscated
my briefcase, gave me this.

Now everybody's gonna know
I have Toblerone.

-Better than this hunk of junk.

-Hey, what are you --
That's my briefcase.

-Oh, they gave it to me
downstairs to hold my knives.

-Hold your --

What is it with
the security in this building?

Sometimes it's like Fort Knox.

Sometimes it's just a sign.
"Frisk yourself."

-That sign's creating
a lot of problems.

It's a mess down there ever
since the Chief Bailiff quit.

-You should have that job.

I mean, you're the
most qualified bailiff here.

You keep me in line,
and I am a real wild card.

-A raise would be nice.

I'm wildly underpaid for the
amount of naked people I tackle.

-Gurgs, go for it.
There's a power vacuum.

Seize it! Ah, ah, together,

you and I
shall rule this courthouse.

And we will drown our enemies

in a storm of fire and blood.

Sorry. I've been watching
that dragon show on HBO.

Pretty sexy.

-They'll probably hire
some fancy-ass college kid

who knows what to say
in an interview.

-If you're worried about
the interview, I can help you.

-Oh, me, too. No one has landed
more jobs than I have.

I've been a lawyer, a clerk,
and of course, a judge,

both here and for children's
beauty pageants.

I have crushed dreams.

But honestly, a lot
of little girls cannot dance.

-You know, if Flobert can get
a million jobs, I can get one.

Let's do it.
-Yes.

-Oh, perfect! Yes!

You shall be Gurgs,
mother of bailiffs.

I shall be Dan,
skipper of security lines,

keeper of the briefcase.

I think that sexy dragon show
has broken my brain.

-Oh.

-And he just dumped you?

I want to murder him.
I've only known you 20 minutes,

and I can't imagine ever
letting you out of my sight.

-Thank you. It is so nice
to hear some positive words

in between the non-stop Adele
I've been blasting.

-Well, look at you.
The belle of the ball.

-Julianne, you were so right.

This is just what I needed.
These women are incredible.

And this cave-aged cheese
is next level.

If I found food in a cave,
I would never eat it.

Shows what I know.

-Get ready,
because the best is yet to come.

[ Whistles shrilly ]

Oh, ladies, it is so nice
to have you all here tonight

sharing in our collective flame.

Now, as you know, we have
a very special guest tonight.

One who we are all
very excited about.

She's gorgeous,
she smells amazing,

and she lasts
longer than 40 hours.

-I don't know
where she gets her information,

but that last part is way off.

-Say hello to our newest...
candle,

Peaches and Clean.

You know,
these are guaranteed to move,

so you grab your inventory
and get out there and sell

like your membership
to this group depends on it,

because it does.

-Wait, you tricked me.
This isn't a self-help group.

It's a pyramid scheme.

-Oh, it's both. More cheese?

-This is not what I
signed up for. I'm so mad.

And not because I'm
just now realizing the peaches

I've been smelling all night
are not a delicious cobbler!

-So our resident ex-con
is involved in a pyramid scheme.

Make sense.
It's shady, but not illegal.

Like bringing a fork-and-knife
meal to the movies.

-It's just so annoying,
because before the candle stuff,

I was having a great time.

Those ladies made me feel
so good about myself,

like a flattering
dressing room mirror,

but sometimes
that mirror sends you home

with a bag of mesh shirts.

-Wait, so you know
the group is wrong for you,

but it felt so right.

Don't you see what this is?
-Yeah, it's a problem.

Julianne won't let me in
unless I sell candles,

which I don't want to do.

-No, it's a rebound.

A non-sexual rebound, which is
missing the whole point.

-It's not a rebound.

It's just a fun,
new relationship

that gives me
emotional validation

during a vulnerable period

and -- okay, fine,
it's a rebound.

-Maybe it's good
Julianne won't let you back in,

because when it comes
to rebounds,

you never go back for seconds.

I don't care if it's
a hot guy with a Maserati

or 20 ladies in capri pants
hopped up on Pinot "Greej."

-You don't know
what you're talking about.

It was white Zinfandel, and they
were wearing all kinds of pants.

-Okay, Gurgs,
what is the number one mistake

people make on job interviews?

-Complimenting a picture
of the interview guy

with his daughter,
but it turns out to be his wife.

-It's talking.

Silence is the most powerful
weapon in your arsenal.

You must become one
with the quiet.

Now, watch.
Ask me an interview question.

-Okay. Why do you think you
would make a good Chief Bailiff?

-Because I possess the skills
and the experience

that make me
the perfect candidate.

-Is that it?
You didn't really say anything.

But you do seem very confident.

Okay. You're hired.
[ Laughs ] Here's my wallet.

Oh, my God! It worked!

-Ready to learn tricks that will
land you the job of your dreams?

Rule number one --
enter with a flourish.

Rule number two --
Be disarmingly casual.

Mahalo, boss lady.

You hiring or just vibing?

-Murray, please, please, please.
I was just about to teach Gurgs

the three most important
listening sounds.

Mm. Hmm.

[ Gasps ] Uh-huh.

-Ugh. Rule number three --

say all your ideas
into a tape recorder.

[ Clears throat ]
Urinals for women on the go.

"Her-inals."
[ Chuckling ]

Horrible idea, right?
Doesn't matter.

Shows my brain
is always working.

-I'm not sure
your brain is working.

Anybody can have horrible --

Diapers for cats.
Hats for water bottles.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dan, Dan,
save it for the recorder.

-So now I'm confused.

Should I be constantly talking
or not saying anything at all?

-I think I can answer
that question.

-Damn, he makes a good point.

-I know I've been sharing
a lot of wisdom with you lately,

but it's not reflecting
in your sales.

Excuse me for a moment while
you wallow in your failure.

-Hey, ladies. I'm so sorry
I had to run the other night.

I don't want you to think
I was one of those women

that uses you for snacks
and then never calls again.

-You smell so nice.
What is that scent?

-Oh, it's just the very latest
from Paris.

It's called, um,

[French accent] "Multi-purpose
Cleaner by Lee-sol."

-And she speaks French?
Uh, marry us.

[ Laughter ]
-What are you doing here,

and why do you smell
like a bathroom?

This meeting
is for earners only.

-Come on, Julianne, just because
I'm not selling candles

doesn't make me
any less deserving

of the collective flame.

-Careful.
You use candle metaphors,

you might get burned.

-Abby has a point. The theme
of last week's meeting was,

"We all deserve the light."
Was that a lie?

'Cause if it was,
then this tattoo is a lie.

-Okay, ladies.

No, no need to start thinking
for ourselves.

A word?
-Is that word "Welcome"?

Look, can't you just make one
exception? I need this group.

I mean, you know
I'm going through a hard time.

-Oh, because of your breakup?
Oh, please.

Kelly is a top three earner,

and her husband's
been missing for months.

-Fine.
Put me down for 10 candles.

-The minimum is a thousand.

-Deal. You belong in jail.

-One for you.

One for me.

-Hey, Wyatt.

-No, you're stealing paper!

-Can I interest you in
a candle called Carnival Breeze?

It smells like popcorn
and wet hay.

-So not only did you
get back with your rebound,

you're paying its way
through DJ school.

You realize best case scenario
is they become DJs.

-You know what goes great

with the smug satisfaction
of being right?

One from our
solo holiday collection.

It's called Bold and Alone.

-Abby, we need to talk to you.

-I'll leave you
to your clump of women.

-The ladies and I
have been talking,

and we think you
should be running the group

instead of Julianne.
-Oh, I am so flattered.

But you're with Julianne,
and I can't be the other woman.

I wear full-bottom underwear.

-Things with Julianne
haven't been great for a while.

We're just going through
the motions.

-Okay, but we have to
break it to her lightly.

She can't know we're going
behind her back like this.

-Yeah, if Julianne finds out,
she'll be furious.

-Yeah, good call, Julianne.
Julianne!

I didn't do anything.
They came on to me.

-You know what? Take them.

It's all sexy when it's new.

But just wait
until the compliments stop.

And then you're eating cheese
with a bunch of women

who can't shut up
about their missing husbands.

-Oh, they actually
found a body --

-Not the time, Kelly.

Good luck.

-Wait. Is she still in there?

-Yeah. What's with the gifts?

This is a job interview,
not a tap recital.

-Oh. This is bad.
She should have been out by now.

-Uh-huh. You know what?

You can blame
your asinine guidance.

It had no overarching theme.

It's like a fusion restaurant.

Do one thing. Do it well.

-Oh, please.

Silence is a powerful weapon?

Spoken like someone who's
never been in a rap battle.

Oh, you're doing
the no-talking thing.

Well, it's not going to work
on me.

As if I were so weak-minded

that a little silence
could bring me to my knees.

Speak to me, Dan!

Can you not hear me?

Am I a ghost?

Oh, my God. I can't
see myself in that mirror!

-It's a wall!

-Will the two of you
stop yelling?

-Okay, I'm sorry,
but the man only responds

to chocolate and screams.

-Listen. I need the two of you
to take a breath,

turn, and walk away.
Because if you don't,

I will reach into your mouths
and pull out your skeletons.

Do you understand?

-You know what? If she took
a break during the interview

to come out here and yell at us,
that must be a good sign, right?

-Oh, yeah.
-It's not!

-Yeah.
-Yeah, I'm going to go this way.

-This is so nice.
Now without the pyramid,

we can just focus
on supporting each other.

Who has a problem
they need help with?

-Where to begin?
I've got a DUI, a UTI,

and I'm trying to get into DIY,

but I have a lifetime ban
from Michaels.

-Okay, big share.

I thought we'd start with,
"Has anyone tried keto?"

-Oh, and look at all of you,

connecting without
complicated power dynamics.

-We're just one big, happy --
-Murder club.

-What? No,
I was gonna say family.

-Oh, you can murder your family.

-But you shouldn't, Kelly.

I'm gonna go on record
saying you shouldn't.

-You know, Abby, I was wrong.
I thought I was helping

by giving these women
a goal they could focus on,

but clearly, they don't need it,

because now they can focus
all that energy on you.

-So cool. Excuse me.

Um, so, when you say energy,

are we talking drum bunny
or '70s mom on diet pills?

-[ Chuckles ] Oh, you'll see.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to see a man about a boat.

-I just realized,
where's the cheese?

-Oh, well, it was kind of a last
minute thing, so I didn't --

-Julianne always brought
the cheese.

Hmm. I'm changing my problem
from UTIs

to, "You forgot the cheese."

-[ Chanting ] Cave-aged cheese.
Cave-aged cheese!

Cave-aged cheese!
-Why are you chanting?

I'm standing right here!
-Cave-aged cheese!

Cave-aged cheese!

-You better work it, girl,

or I'll find a younger bottle
who will.

-Idea for Murray --
Get professional help.

-Everybody, be
on your best behavior.

Oh, the Chief Bailiff is here.

And it's me!
-Oh!

Gurgs!

Congratulations, Gurgs.

I take it you dazzled them
with silence.

-Get real, Fielding. She
idea'ed them into submission.

-Actually, he was so impressed

by the way I handled
two problematic individuals

yelling in the hallway
that he offered me the job.

Thank you very much.
-Mm-hmm.

-Flourish.

-Okay, now, your first official
act as Chief Bailiff

is to buy me a coffee.

-How was the weekend, Judge?

-I didn't have a weekend.
These women

are the most problematic
relationship I've ever been in.

I'm everyone's
emergency contact,

and they're all getting
elective surgeries.

-I told you to keep
the rebound light

and run while it's still fun.

-You definitely didn't say that.
I would have remembered.

It rhymes.

-As I see it,
there are two ways out of this.

-I'm not setting
any apartments on fire.

-There is one way out of this.

You have to dump them.
-No. I just got dumped.

I can't turn around
and dump 12 people.

-Well, then you're going
to have to get them to dump you.

-Okay, I'll do it.

I spend a lot of time
on the Staten Island ferries,

so I know how to be
a douche you want to dump.

[ Knock on door ]

Sup?

-Where have you been?

You haven't answered
any of our texts.

We've been worried sick
about you.

-Oh, babe, babe, you're at a 10.

I'm gonna need you at a 3.

-You already ate?
But we have all these snacks.

-So eat then.
You don't need my permission.

God.

-Abby, what is going on
with you?

Did you even remember that
it's our 48-hour anniversary?

-[ Mumbling ]
"Our 48-hour anniversary?"

That's you.
[ Knock on door ]

Babe, door.
While you're up, get me a beer.

-Julianne,
what are you doing here?

-I'm not here
to interrupt anything.

I just came
to pick up my fondue set.

-Yo, yo, zip it.
The football players

are about to do a touchdown.

-I think we made a mistake.

We were looking for a spark
with somebody new.

But what we had with you was
a reliable, low-burning fire.

-Mm, sorry. I got out
of the candle game.

They're too heavy.

But I started a new venture.

Scrunchies for mature women.
They're called Brunchies.

-Oh, my God. I feel like
my hair is drinking a mimosa.

-I know.
And as luck would have it,

there's a truck-full outside
that needs unloading.

Remember, ladies.
Lift with your legs.

-Thank you.

-Well, you did help me rebound

after my 3- to 6-month
relationship with prison, so...

-So we're even?
-Oh, not even close.

[ Door shuts ]
-[ Sighs ]

Wait, this isn't my apartment.