All language subtitles for Deadbeat.S01E02.The.Hot.God.Contest.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

NARRATOR:
Previously on Deadbeat:

My guest today is celebrated
paranormal communicator,

Camomile White.

I see him.
I see your grandfather.

He died trying
to save this store.

I hated this place.

She just made that all up?
WOMAN: Excuse me.

We're having a moment here.

Your grandfather didn't die
trying to save the store.

He died trying
to light it on fire.

I don't know who you are.

But if you everpull a stunt
like that again...

ANNOUNCER:
In the criminal
justice system,

there are crimes
that can land you in jail

for more than one year

and crimes that can land you in jail for less than one year.

Or possibly just result
in a small fine.

These are the crimes
that could go either way.

Bad news, dirtbag.

That's over five hundos
in stolen merch.

It's grand larceny.

You're going away
for a long time.

Detective, you're gonna
wanna hear this.

DETECTIVE:
What do you got for me?

One of the stolen items
is on sale.

Total value of the stolen
merch is 490.

It's petty theft.

It's a misdemeanor.

A sale item, that is genius.

Where do they come up
with this stuff?

[ door knocking ]

Well, that's a
dainty little knock.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Sue

from Camomile White's office?

A couple of days ago,
you vomited all over her?

Yeah, I remember very well.

You also soiled
her Pierre le Soixante pantsuit.

- Her what?
- Her pantsuit.

She wanted me to give you
this dry-cleaning bill.

For 25 bucks, what--?

- I can't afford this--
- You seem like a nice guy.

Just pay the bill.

You do notwanna get
on this woman's bad side.

Her bad side? She already
kicked me in the nuts.

It'll get worse.
I'm sorry, I have to go.

No. No, you don't.

No, no, no. Listen, come in,
have some peanut butter.

We'll sort it out over a nice

spoonful of peanut butter.

[ theme music playing]

What's up, Pac, how you living?

Not very well, I fear, Roofie.

I got this bill I can't afford.

I don't know what to do.
I got no one to turn to.

The stress is really
having its way with me.

So what are you saying is you
wanna borrow money from me?

Money? No. Weed.

You know, for the stress.
Were you listening?

Look, Pac, I can't
just keep giving you weed.

I'm a businessman.

As your drug dealer, which the
idea is you pay me for drugs.

Well, as my friend, can you loan
me money to pay for the drugs?

How much you need?

As my dealer,
how much for an eighth?

For a friend, 25 bucks.

For 25 bucks, I could just pay
the stupid dry-cleaning bill.

Roofie, can you loan me 25 bucks

to pay this stupid
dry-cleaning bill?

I wanna help you out.

But I can't just give you cash
every time you're in a bind.

I got this hot morphine connect
down at St. Anfernee's.

She said about some haunty stuff
going on down there.

Maybe, you should pay
her a visit.

WOMAN:
Thank you so much again
for coming.

Roofie spoke very highly of you.

Well, he was very high
when he spoke of you too so...

What's going on here?

Just a lot of weird stuff

like, unplugged heart
machines turning on

and saline drip bags
just depleting for no reason.

Have there been any deaths
in this particular hospital?

Yeah, it's a hospital.

- There's like, tens of
thousands of deaths.
- I see.

[ laughing ]

Oh, this is gonna be a lot
harder than I thought.

Just to be clear,
we don't need you to exorcise

like, the whole hospital.
It's just one room.

- Just that?
- Yeah, it's um...

it's kind of the unofficial
hook-up room for the staff.

So the nurses are willing
to pay whatever it takes.

They are? That's great news.

I'm so strapped for cash--

I'm so strapped for time.

Ain't no time for this.

Honestly, you know.
I'm in high demand.

Job of this size, I would
have to charge about $100.

A hundred dollars?

- Okay, 50.
- Fifty?

Twenty-five dollars,
but not a penny more.

- Great! Deal!
- Deal.

Good. I shan't let
ye down, my lady.

- Thank you.
- You are in good hands.

Someone will clean
that up, right?

Uh, excuse me,
I was eating those.

Not quickly enough,
if you ask me.

Oh, and who are you
supposed to be?

You see me?

Is that your first
or your last name?

- What?
- What?

No, I am Hiro Tamagachi.

The professional hot dog eater?

You died?

Sadly, yes.

My name is Kevin Pacalioglu

and I'm here to finish

any unfinished business
you might have.

Really? You'd do
that for me?

Yeah, for 25 bucks
I'd do just about anything...

Well, right before I died,

I was training
for the most important

eating competition of my life.

BOTH:
The Oinky's Hot Dog
Invitational.

- Exactly.
- I'm aware of it.

I was all set
to take back my title

from my arch rival, Johnny
Praline, that prick.

Listen, I don't mean to sauer
your kraut, but you're a ghost.

- Eating is kind of
off the table.
- Here's the thing.

A few years back, I signed up
to be an organ donor.

And, after I died, they took
from me my most prized organ.

Those bastards
took your stomach.

What? No! That's
the good part, you idiot.

What I'm trying to say is,

I may be dead,
but my stomach lives on.

Find it, Kevin.
Find whoever has my stomach.

And make them enter
that hot dog-eating contest.

KEVIN:
Hey, did the nurse text you
the address yet?

No, man.

Look, I'm gonna tell you
when she text me.

Why'd you give her
my number anyways?

Because she needs
to get permission

from Tamagachi's
stomach recipient

to set up a meeting.

I'm saying, why did you give
the nurse my number?

I don't have a number anymore.

They shut off my cell phone
weeks ago.

Yeah, I've been living
off the grid, untrack-able.

I'm a free man.

It's not by choice.

Excuse me, hey, bro,
we good right here.

All right, let's be cool here,
this client buys a lot of weed.

Yo.

Yeah, you know, I don't
like eyes in the sky.

- I hate 'em.
- Don't you hate that?

- Yeah.
- Right?

What is that?

I call that one
Spurious Accusations and Lies.

Oh.

I would have called it
Tiny Tower of Teeth.

Or the
Leaning Tower of Teetha.

So what were you, like,
a dentist or something?

- I was an
avant-garde-ist.
- Oh.

And I put myself, literally,

into every piece of work
I ever made.

Blood, sweat, jism diluted
with tears of happiness.

- That's jiz?
- Mm-hm.

That one's a mixed-media collage

of pubic hair glued together
with pus from a sex wound.

And that there, my masterpiece.

For my swan song,

I hung myself upside-down

and exploded myself
on a blank canvas.

But those imbeciles
have hung it upside-down.

ROOFIE:
Yo.

- The nurse texted me
the address.
- Oh, good.

Guess who's gonna be here
Saturday night.

Uh... James McAvoy?

- I don't know. Who?
- No.

Camomile White.

Yes, she's doing, like,
a séance, channeling the spirit

of Vusevius.
Whatever his name is.

- Vesuvius.
- The one who was doing

- all this pretentious
asinine art.
- Vesuvius.

You should go meet her.

You know what, Roofie?
I think that ship has sank.

I went to that
book signing thing.

And she can't see
ghosts at all.

- She's a total fake.
- What?!

- Yeah.
- Fake?

- Yeah.
- Hey, man, just hope her
titties isn't fake.

No... I don't know.

Hard to tell when I was
throwing up all over them.

I wrecked her
Soixante pantsuit.

Now she's sticking me
with this $25 dry-cleaning bill.

- That's the bill
you talkin' about.
- Yeah.

- That's the bill? $25?
- Yes.

Come on, man, Camomile White
don't need your $25, she's rich.

She's power-moving you, man.

- She's what?
- Power-play.

She's trying to assert her
dominance, that's all.

- I don't like it
when people do that.
- Yeah.

Power-play me.

You know what?

She's trying to muscle me
with this dry-cleaning bill?

Wait until she sees
what my counter-move is.

And what move would that be?

It's the least expected
move there is.

I'm gonna pay that bill.

On time.

In full.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a stomach to track down.

[ whispers ]
Yo.

[ bell dings]
MAN: Bagels, up!

I'm here about the stomach.

- Ah, you're the guy.
- Yeah, I'm the guy.

Menachem.
Sit down, sit down.

I didn't know what kind
of bagel you'd want.

So I didn't get you any.

- Oh, can I have one of these?
- Don't touch these bagels.

Since we're
just sitting here,

why don't I tell you a story?

Every ghost needs closure

and that's the whole reason
he's still here.

It's an amazing story.

And it definitely explains
this appetite.

I didn't even know you could
receive stomach transplants.

Listen to me, I'm very
appreciative of this stomach.

But this Oinky's hot dog
eating competition,

- that I can't do.
- Oh, you don't have
to do it though.

It's not even you.
It's Tamagachi's stomach.

It's very well-trained,
it will do all the work for you.

You don't get it.
I can't--

- Oinky's hot dogs,
they're pork hot dogs.
- Yeah.

I can't eat pork.

What happens if you eat it?

It's against my religion.
We don't eat pork.

It's like breaking
a contract with God.

Who negotiated that?

Look! I'm not doing
your competition

and that's that, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, you can do it.

You can do it.

HIRO:
He said no?

After I saved his life
by donating my stomach?

- I know, Hiro Tamagachi,
I know.
- I have an idea.

If you don't get
that goddamn rabbi

into that
hot dog-eating contest,

I'm gonna unplug every feeding
tube in this hospital.

But that would mean--?

Hundreds of innocent lives lost.

All on your conscience.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's bad.

Why, what were you gonna say?

No, nothing,
I was just thinking that,

if the hauntings got worse,
I wouldn't get paid

and I wouldn't be able to afford
my dry-cleaning bill

and Camomile would basically
win, but that--

you know what, your thing
is probably a way bigger deal.

Figure it out!

SIMMONS:
What was that?
We had him on grand theft.

DETECTIVE 2:
One bottle of liquor.
The rest was baby formula.

So what are you saying?
Perp was a family man?

Trying to provide?

What I'm saying,
Simmons, is sometimes,

if no one gets hurt,

and the motive is noble
enough, sometimes,

it just ain't worth
the paperwork.

- What are you doing here?
- I think I found the loophole.

Are those Funyuns?

Get out of here.

- No, give me one.
- No.

All right, listen,
listen, listen.

In the criminal
justice system,

there are felonies
and there are misdemeanors.

In Jewish,
there has to be some sins

that are worse
than others, right?

"In Jewish".
According to Yohakmet,

this analogy
you came up with,

eating pork and breaking
the laws of kosher.

- That's a felony.
- Okay, all right.

But sometimes,
if nobody gets hurt

and the motive
is noble enough,

it just ain't
worth the paperwork.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about... eating
pork is a victimless sin.

The only person you're worried
about offending is God.

By eating these hot dogs,
you will be directly helping

a tortured ghost
finally find his peace.

The ghost of the man
who saved your life,

I mean, come on, God's
gotta understand, right?

Right?

For me?

Oh, God...

KEVIN:
If you can eat this,

you'll have no problem
eating a hot dog.

Well, then, why don't we
just start with a hot dog?

Mm, okay.

Hot dog.

I wanna do this,
I really do.

But this could be
a slippery slope.

How so?

I've kept Kosher my entire life

and cultivated a sense
of discipline and self-control.

If I break this one rule,
albeit for a noble cause,

who's to say I won't
spiral out of control?

It won't happen.

I'm here with you every
step of the way, okay?

Just think of me
as a moral compass of sorts.

Here it comes.

There's the rush.

Mmm.

Yeah, okay.

Ah! Fair enough,
yeah, I deserved that.

[ laughing ]

♪ Meshugenah

♪ Meshugenah

♪ Meshugenah

♪ Meshugenah

♪ Meshugenah

♪ Meshugenah

♪ Meshugenah

- Piece of gum, buddy?
- What?

Hey, what are you doing?

I know you've got some
drugs, bitch! Come on!

Stop! Stop!
What are you doing?

Look at us.
We're about to beat a man

- 'cause he doesn't have
heroin to give us.
- What happened?

This is that slippery slope
I was telling you about.

You were supposed
to be my moral compass.

- You're a moroncompass.
- Let's get out of here.

KEVIN:
You know what I've always
loved about hot dogs?

It's the texture, it's like meat
has already been chewed for you.

You don't have to do
any of the work.

- Hey, where
the hell's our guy?
- Relax.

He didn't wanna
get recognized,

so I lent him some of my
clothes to change into.

An orthodox Jew
in your dingy clothes?

He's gonna look like...

every other
hipster from Brooklyn.

All right.
I'm gonna go see

what that dick-licker
Johnny Praline is up to.

[ laughing ]
Hey.

- Aha! Unrecognizable.
- You look very fetching.

- I think so too.
- Yeah.

So, hey, listen, I signed
you up under a pseudonym,

- just to be safe.
- Very smart.

- What'd you use?
- JOHNNY: Excuse me.

You the one
they call Anal Bead?

- You're a putz.
- Shoot, no.

It was supposed
to say Animal Beard.

My penmanship's
a little tight.

I'm Johnny Praline,
defending champion.

All right.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop by
and introduce myself,

wish you good luck.
It's anyone's game.

I'll catch you
on the flip-flop.

Good enough. All right,
see you later.

- What a nice guy.
- A mensch.

I didn't expect that
in competition.

Unbelievable, unbelievable.

Anyway, are you
ready for this?

Yeah. I had a lot of
knishes on the way here.

- I shouldn't have had them.
- That's all in the past now.

[ belches ]
Not really, but...

You don't have
to worry about it.

You're stomach is
gonna do all the work.

I will be on the sidelines
rooting for you the whole time.

Let's go.
I feel like Mr. Miyagi.

ANNOUNCER:
Well, the contestants are taking
their spot on the stage

as the 32nd annual
Oinky's Hot Dog Invitational

is about to get underway.

Of course, defending his title
is Johnny Praline.

And with the recent passing
of Hiro Tamagachi,

I would say Praline is
the frontrunner.

Three, two, one, go!

ANNOUNCER:
And they're off.

Praline's got his game face on.

He has come out
of the gate strong.

Praline is using his
two-dogs-on-a-leash

technique that won
him gold last year.

But it looks like
newcomer Anal Bead

is giving Praline
a run for his money.

It almost looks
like Anal Bead

is using the same
stomach-squeezing technique

as the late, great
Hiro Tamagachi.

- And now, this competition--
- Hold on a second.

A man in the sidelines
is inhaling some hotdogs.

He's pulling ahead of everyone.

ANNOUNCER:
It seems like this
competitor is adopting

the fat-slob-shoveling-food
down-his-gullet technique.

Now, I'm getting word
that this guy

has taken down three full
buckets of refill dogs.

ANNOUNCER 2:
That's about 60 hot dogs.

ANNOUNCER:
And if that's the case,

this competition has
just met its dark horse.

ANNOUNCER 2:
The emergence of this
spectator is thrilling.

It's like when Seabiscuit
popped out of the crowd,

to win the 1940
Santa Anita Handicap.

[ alarm sounds ]

TIMER:
All right, times up.
Stop eating.

We have a winner.

Winner!

ANNOUNCER:
There you have it.

At 75 hot dogs,
a complete unknown

has won Oinky's 32nd
Annual Hot Dog Invitational.

What happened?

Why did you guys
all stop eating?

- Hey, schmuck!
- Yeah.

I renounced my most
sacred religious beliefs

because you told me I was
helping the ghost of the man

who saved my life find peace.

It was an accident.
I binge eat when I'm nervous.

And then, you--!
I know, I'm sorry.

I screwed up.
I screwed up.

Menachem,
I'm sorry.

Menachem, Menachem.

Menachem.

Tamagachi,
what just happened?

You serious? You won.
You've set a world record.

I am so sorry.
I don't even want this.

No, no, no, it's okay.

Watching you eat is like
watching Michelangelo

paint the Sistine Chapel.

Besides, it was never really
about me winning.

It was about that ass clown
Johnny Praline losing.

You know, for the
first time in my life,

it is my heart
that is full. Ha.

ROOFIE:
Wow. I'm proud
of you, man.

You got 25 bucks the old
fashioned way.

Miss Morphine gave you
a glowing review.

Sounds like
a good day to me.

And, Roofie,
I set a world record, man.

I can't believe that.

Oh, I took a 25 bucks

and got that traveler's
check you needed.

- Good, give me, give me.
- I'm not sure why.

It's part of my

counter-power-play move
with Camomile.

Yeah... are you sure
that's the best move?

Roofie, trust me.

It's the only
move I have left.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't
the Vomitable Snowman.

Enough with
the pleasantries.

I'm here for one thing
and one thing only.

If you're here for
the séance, you missed it.

Oh, the séance?
Yeah, how did that go?

- They loved me.
- Of course.

James McAvoy
even showed up.

Wow, and the ghost,
he was satisfied?

The spirit of Vesuvius
was more than satisfied.

No, no, no.
No!

Do you know
up from down?

He doesn't seem happy.

What are you
talking about?

All he wanted was
for his final piece

to be hung right-side-up
by this imbeciles.

He's an avant-garde-ist.

He's missunders--

- You know what, I de-gress.
- As always.

I'm here to talk about
the dry-cleaning bill.

- Check.
- A traveler's check?

Yes, I'm in-between
banks right now,

but I wanted to
have a check

so I could come here
and say, "check."

As in, I'm onto you
and your little game

and I'm winning,
I think.

Oh, like chess,
right?

No. What? No.

Check... mate.

No. What-- what beats
check mate?

What beats check mate?
A flush?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Nothing.

Why didn't I just say
"check mate"?

You really
wanna do this?

Yep.

- What's this?
- Go.

My favorite masterpiece.

Right side up!