All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E21.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Earl Narrating ]
Usually when you see
a long line at the Crab Shack,

it's headin' into the bathroom
due to food poisoning.

But today there was a line
'cause someone from
the Camden Savings & Loan...

was givin' away T-shirts
if you qualified
for a credit card.

This is great.
'Cause his little left thumb
is over my left lactatin' spot,

and I carry my purse
on my right side,
so I'm good to go.

Earl, is that the real
Pack-Away the Savings Squirrel?

'Cause he hasn't
sung that song.

* You'd be nuts
not to keep your nuts
at Camden Savings & Loan *

Member F.D.I.C.

It's gonna be one of those times
when you think I'm talking
down to you,

but the squirrel on TV's
a cartoon.

- You can be a real jerk
sometimes.
- Next.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was excited to finally own
a credit card I hadn't stolen.

And Randy was excited
to get a T-shirt
with a smilin' squirrel on it.

So, Mr. Hickey--
permanent residence?

Palm Tree Motel,
Room 231.

For one night,
we stayed in Room 211,
which was bigger,

but it was over
a drug dealer's room.

Sometimes bullets would
come up through the floor
and freak us out, so we moved.

Okay. None.
Occupation?

I have a list of bad things
I've done to people,

and I go around and find 'em
and make up for what I did.

- It's based on karma.
- [ Chittering ]

You can put "None."

Highest level of education:

high school graduate,
some college,
college graduate?

Is there a box
for "some high school"?

Or street smarts?

You got any questions like,
"What's the last movie you saw?"
'cause I can answer that.

Jack Frost.
It was on TV.

Not great.
I'm sorry, sir.

We're not allowed
to give people
who are homeless,

unemployed and uneducated
a credit card.

- They're real sticklers.
- So no T-shirt?

Oh, no, but I do have
this paper mask of Pack-Away
that we give to children.

You can have one of these.
[ Squirrel Chitters ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
So as far as the bank
was concerned, I was a child.

And what kind of man would want
to be treated like a child?

Can I get a squirrel mask?
Actually two.

'Cause I know
I'll wear the first one out.

My name is Earl.

[ Man ]
You got to hit it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There I was--
with no job,

no education,
no permanent home.

I realized that my life hadn't
changed since high school.

And I wasn't the only one.
Hey, Earl.
Would you pass the nuts?

Sorry, Randy.
That's funny, but I'm not
in a laughin' mood right now.

Don't beat yourself up too much
about the bank lady making you
feel like a child and whatnot.

At least
you're doing the list.
That's a very adult endeavor.

That list is ridiculous.
He numbers everything on it,
but he never follows the order.

Plus he didn't know
how to spell "catapult,"
so he just drew one on it.

Only reason anybody takes
that thing seriously is 'cause
it's on yellow lawyer paper.

If you screwed yourself out of
being an adult, why don't you
just put yourself on the list?

Sometimes I feel like
your conscience-- like that
little cricket, Jiminy Hiccup.

I like when you're on the list.
That way, we get to skip
the long, boring part...

where we have to find the person
and explain about karma.

- I hate that part.
- All right. Here we go.

I'm puttin' this down
right now.

Number 273--

kept myself
from bein' an adult.

And you know somethin'
I've seen grown-ups do?

Underneath an important item,
they write other items
with little letters in front.

273-A-- finish high school.

273-B-- get a real job.

273-C-- move out of the motel.

Subsets. You're growin' up
right before our very eyes.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew it was too late to get
a real high school diploma,

so I decided to get
the next-best thing-- a G.E.D.

I started with math
since I knew I could
count on my fingers.

Randy took it
to the next level.

"In Armando's class,
there are six women
for every two men."

Nice.

"If there are 12 women,
how many men are there?"

[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't quite figure out
how many men there were,

but I did figure out
there would be 24 boobs.

That didn't really help me,
but it probably helped Armando.

Either way, I skipped math.

"Past participle."

Okay. Okay. A "part" is...

like a part of somethin'.

And an "iciple"...

could be like "municipal,"

which I think stands for
"swimming pool."

So, part of a swimmin' pool
in the past.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then I decided to skip English.

"How many continents
are there?"

"A," "E," "I," "O," "U."

Damn. "Five" isn't a choice.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't even fill in
one stupid answer bubble.

Randy, however, did not
have the same problem.

It's a sailboat.

That dot's me, and these dots
are all hot babes.

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided, if I was gonna pass
those G.E.D. tests,

I needed to actually
learn some stuff.

So I went back
to my old high school...

to tell my teachers
this drop-out was ready
to drop back in.

What do you mean
you won't teach me?
You're teachers.

You're too late, Hickey.
The shot clock's expired
on that one.

[ Fly Buzzing ]
You should've paid attention
the first time,

back in the '80s
when we gave a crap.

You guys used to beg me
to pay attention so you
could teach me somethin'.

- What the hell happened to you?
- You wanna know what happened?

Two decades of dealing
with rotten little
fuzz nuts like you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't argue.

Me and Randy were
rotten little fuzz nuts.

And after we left school,

there was a long line
of bad kids waitin'
to take our place.

* You better stop *

* Look around *

* Here it comes *
And after a while,

enough fuzz nuts will break
a teacher's spirit.

Mr. Romack's was broken
on Teacher Appreciation Day...

when they superglued a mug
to his hand.

* Here comes your 19th
nervous breakdown *

[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Bell Rings ]

They got Mrs. Harding
on her smoke break.

[ Pops ]
[ Gasps ]

* Oh, who's to blame *
[ Laughing ]

* That girl's just insane *
[ Sobbing ]

They even got
to sweet Mrs. McCullum...

who lived for teaching kids
the joy of cooking.

[ Loud Snap ]
[ Screams ]

- Awesome!
- [ Sobbing ]
Oh, my God.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Eventually, the kids' pranks
got completely out of hand.

Have a nice
Christmas break,
buddy.

* Here comes your 19th
nervous breakdown *

** [ Ends ]

I used to love coffee.
Now it just taunts me.

I used to teach them
how to prepare a whole
Thanksgiving meal every fall.

Now I just let 'em watch
Barefoot Contessa...

while I play Texas hold 'em
on my cell phone.

We've become babysitters.

Every day is just
a "run out the clock" situation.

Schools always have a group
of lowlife scums.

Why not just give 'em
in-school suspension?

Hell, I spent
half my freshman year there.

First place I ever got to see
a baby get born.

We tried in-school suspension.
Can't get substitutes
to cover the class anymore.

Maybe you should try giving them
a nicer name than "substitutes."

Like guest teacher
or astronaut.

No. "Teachernaut."

Wait. That makes it sound
like they're not teachers.

"Astroteachers."

Yeah, guys, I understand
you're burnt out,
but I need you.

If-If you don't help me pass
my G.E.D. tests,

I won't be able to start
becoming an adult.

Please. I'll do anything.

Anything?

I'm your teacher.
My name is Earl.

[ All Laughing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Bad attitudes and perfect aim.

This was gonna be a challenge.

[ Earl Narrating ] My first day,
I got hit with five spitballs
and a homemade Chinese star.

So I prepared for day two.
Does this sound
inspirational?

"Hazy dreams
produce hazy results."

Some guy named Ibid
said that.

- I don't get it.
- Me neither. That's why
I thought it was smart.

Why do you have to inspire 'em?
I thought you were just
supposed to babysit.

No, I want to turn
these kids around, Randy.

I owe it to their teachers
after everything I did to 'em.

Plus, I don't want these kids
to end up like me-- 35 years old
and still not an adult.

Earl, relax.
The teacher always gets through
to the troubled kids.

I've seen this movie,
like, 12 times,
and it always ends up fine.

Although sometimes you do
get shot in a drive-by
or catch breast cancer.

Listen, kids-- dudes.

I don't want you to think of me
as just a teacher.

I want you
to think of me as a friend.

'Cause I've been where you are,
and I know where you're goin'.

I was you once, and now I live
in a motel room where I share
a bed with my brother.

- Gay.
- [ All Laughing ]

Yeah, listen, it's not gay.
He's my brother.

- Gay.
- Look, that word
is not cool.

I happen to have
a homosexual friend
named Kenny--

Super gay.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I realized straight talkin'
might not work with these kids.

It was gonna take
somethin' more.

All right. That's it.
We're goin' on a field trip.

Everybody out
to the parking lot.

Hop in the back
of the El Camino.

Today, I'm gonna
show you all your future.

Just don't tell me
what day I die on.
I don't wanna know.

Is it a Thursday?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided to show 'em
what my life became...

after making the same decisions
they were making.

This is where I live.

If you continue to screw off
and let high school pass you by
without learning anything,

this is where
you're gonna live.

Sweet. That hot maid
clean for you every day?

It's not sweet.
It's pathetic.

I can't even qualify
for an apartment.

Catalina, tell these guys
why they don't wanna be like me.

Well, one night, a speed freak
broke into his room,

slammed Earl's head
against the bathtub
until he passed out,

then went to the bathroom
and left without flushing.

See? Now, that would've
never happened if I had
a high school diploma.

Let's go.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then I showed 'em
their future ex-wife.

What the hell is this?
You better hope that
"To Catch a Predator" guy...

doesn't come in and see you
with all these kids.

Nice. Joy, I want you
to tell these guys why
they don't wanna be like me.

Well, he's not very smart.
The first time he saw Y.M.C.A.,

he thought
it was pronounced "yumca."

Plus, I once saw him dive
into an empty pool.

That was actually a funny day.

He hit his head so hard,
he took a dump in a cat box.

That's a true story. The cat
caught me in her box and tried
to scratch me a new one.

That wouldn't have happened
if I stayed in school.

Earl's right.
With a good education,
you can do whatever you want.

- Did you graduate high school?
- With honors.

- Then why are you working
in a dump like this?
- [ Kids Snickering ]

L-Life can get
complicated, man.

You don't know
what I've been through.

I've seen the darkest parts
of a man's soul--

things that make a horror movie
look like The Hughleys!

Darnell. Darnell.
Look. It's the Crab Shack.

And there's your wife.
She's hot.

Tonight, you're gonna go home
and play Atari.

Everything's fine.
[ Joy ]
I thought of somethin' else.

One time at the zoo,
I saw a monkey beat Earl
at rock, paper, scissors.

[ Earl Narrating ] After showing
the kids how much better off
I'd be if I'd stayed in school,

I felt like I had
gotten through to 'em.

So, what did
we learn today?

That you're a loser.

Yeah, that's exactly right.
You don't wanna end up like me.

There's no way we're gonna
end up like some old dude
with a porno mustache.

[ Boy ]
Yeah.

Not the way I play Guitar Hero.
I five starred "Free Bird"
on the first try.

I'm gonna be a rock star
soon as my parents
buy me a guitar.

You guys can't count
on crazy dreams...

like being a rock star
or playing pro basketball.

It's not gonna happen. I mean,
when I was your age, I thought
I was gonna be a stuntman.

But the closest
I ever came was being
on a surveillance tape...

when I fell through the roof
of a liquor store.

[ Bell Rings ]
[ Chattering ]

That's because you were
born a loser, Hickey,

and we were born awesome.

- Um, Mr. Hickey,
can I talk to you?
- Sure, Summer.

It's a little embarrassing,
but... I don't wanna be a loser.

I don't want to lose
at rock, paper, scissors
to a monkey.

Look, he threw rock
six times in a row.

And just when I caught on
to the pattern-- scissors.
But go on.

[ Earl Narrating ] So I didn't
get through to my whole class,
[ No Audible Dialogue ]

but one of my students
was finally opening up to me.

And I was really excited
to help her,

so I sat her down and gave her
every piece of advice
I could think of.

* Lean on me *

* When you're not strong *

* And I'll be your friend *

* I'll help you carry on **

And, Summer,
now always remember.

Just because you have
a stripper name...

doesn't mean you have
to grow up to be a stripper.

Wow. Thank you, Mr. Hickey.
You just changed my life.

That's what teachers do.

Summer, let's go.
You stalled him long enough.

What? Stalled me?
Stalled me for what?

What the hell?
I don't remember you
parking the car like that.

[ Laughing ]

How'd I even get out?

I'm gonna kill 'em!
I swear to God
I'm really gonna kill 'em.

Now you're sounding
like a real teacher.

In two weeks, you'll
have gained 20 pounds
and stopped shaving anything.

They're total bastards.
Those kids didn't listen
to a single thing I said...

when all I was trying to do
was help 'em.

And how do they thank me?
They put my car on its side.

Oh.

Don't be a hero, Hickey.
Just take a knee.

I can't believe you guys.
When are you gonna
stand up and fight?

You're in charge.
This is your school.

I'm serious.

We need to treat them
exactly like they treat us.

Look, what do you want
from us?

We're not allowed
to hurt the kids,
at least not physically.

I don't have the energy
to hurt 'em emotionally.

I'm not talkin' about
hurtin' them.

I'm just talkin' about giving
'em a little "obnonymous"
taste of their own medicine--

or their own saliva,
in the case of what they did
to your soup, Mrs. McCullum.

They spit in my soup?
When?

Well, Mrs. Harding says
they do it every day.

I didn't tell you 'cause
I know you like your soup.
I didn't want to make you upset.

They gave me mono.

It's time to fight back--
for the exploding cigarettes,

for the duct tape,
for the superglue...

and for what Mrs. Harding
told me they rubbed
on your coffee mug.

They put their privates in it.
Again, I didn't want
to upset you.

Come on, guys.
What do you say?

Huh? Are we gonna sit around
and take it, or are we
gonna fight back?

Let's get those bastards.

[ Earl Narrating ] Mr. Romack
went the eye-for-an-eye,
glue-for-a-glue route.

* Another one bites the dust *

* And another one gone
and another one gone *

* Another one bites the dust *
For Mrs. McCullum,
revenge was sweet--

[ Screams ]
and a little messy.

[ Gasps ]

* Another one bites the dust *

[ Muffled Giggle ]

* Another one bites the dust *

For Mrs. Harding, all revenge
took was assigned seats
and an Allen wrench.

* Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust *

* Shooter **

And we saved the worst kid
for last-- Nick Daley.

We decided to hit him
where it would hurt the most--

his 1968 cobalt-blue Camaro.

And Mr. Baldwin was excited
to do the dirty work.

Oh, man, it is
gonna be crazy.

When he starts up the car,
the CD player is gonna play--

[ Chanting In Singsong ]
I have a tiny penis,
I have a tiny penis--

over and over again
on a loop.

When he tries to turn it off--
I rigged the interior
with air bags.

Boom! They're all gonna explode.

Then the doors are gonna lock.
Anyone who touches the handle
to get out--

Bzzz! Gonna get shocked!
[ Laughs ]

Oh, man! Oh, I wish
my old shop teacher
was still alive to see this.

This is for you,
Mr. Veeley.

All right, nice work.

Now, when we go back in,
act casual.

- Okay!
- [ Chortling ]

[ Earl ]
Casual. Casual.

* The low rider
is a little higher *

- Have a nice lunch break.
- Buckle up for safety.

- Enjoy your ride, kids.
- [ Boy ]
What?

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was the kind of excitement
teachers should have,

even if it wasn't comin' out
in the most teacherly way.

Earl, I think I speak
for all of us when I say...

this may very well be
the greatest moment
of my teaching career.

What if
he wets his pants?
Shh!

Claire, you'll jinx it.

* Take a little trip
Take a little trip with me **

[ Alarm Beeps ]

- Whoa!
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Gasps ]

- Oh, God!
- [ Gasping ]

It's okay. You can get 'em
with the next bomb.

You just have to delay it
a little.

They're gonna
call this terrorism.
We're going to Guantánamo.

Game, set, match.
[ Car Alarms Blaring ]

Yeah, bitches!

That's for steeping your pouch
in my coffee mug!

Shut up!

Everybody calm down.
What the hell did you
do to the car?

I don't know what happened.
Some wires must have
gotten crossed.

Must have? Must have?
His car exploded, Baldwin!

Shut up, Harding.
You want a piece of me?
You shut up!

Stop freakin' out.

Look, I've accidentally
exploded tons of stuff
in my life,

and nothing's been
traced back to me.

The important thing is we
go about our normal business
and act casual.

Got it?

See? This is what
I'm talkin' about.

Mrs. McCullum,

rockin' with your hands
buried in your crotch
is not actin' casual.

But I'm nervous.

[ Earl Narrating ] It's rare
that you hear someone say
a teacher has nerves of steel.

There's a reason for that.

But there was nothing
I could do.
I had to send 'em back to class.

[ Chalk Chattering ]

P-P-Please open your, uh,

American literature
antho-thology to page--

[ Earl Narrating ]
But then something weird
happened.

Apparently, an accidental
attempt at murder...

is just what it takes to get
a teenager's attention.

* I have a tiny penis *
Those teachers are crazy!

They're trying to kill us!
Okay. We pushed 'em too far.

I peed in my pants.
Yeah, you peed in
my pants too, man.

* I have a tiny penis
I have a tiny penis **

[ Earl Narrating ]
Our little revenge plan
had scared 'em straight...

in a way we never expected.

And once Mrs. Harding realized
the apple wasn't gonna explode,

she calmed down and was able
to get back to teaching
for the first time in years.

The teachers were so grateful
to have control over
their classrooms again...

that they went back
to teaching everyone,
including me and Randy.

And me and Randy
liked learning so much...

we took classes that wouldn't
even be on the G.E.D. test.

My zucchini bread
turned out perfect.

[ Sniffs ]
Mmm.

[ Earl Narrating ]
For the first time
in my life,

I turned in a test
and felt good
about my future.

I didn't make a picture
this time, because I knew
too many of the answers.

But I did draw somethin'
on my scratch paper.

It's an elf named Finster.

[ Earl Narrating ] I may not
have gotten to walk across
a stage wearin' a dress,

but I felt like I accomplished
something big in my life.

I even got to apply
my newly learned math skills.

Looks like
I'm a third of the way
to becoming an adult.

Or two-sixths...

or three-ninths.

Or "D"-- all the above.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was doubly
proud that day because Randy
did a lot of learning too.

I got a lot
of carvin' to do.

[ Blows ]