All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E20.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

Randy, what are you doin'?
Grandpa tied that tie for me
five years ago.

You know I don't know how
to tie it again.

I'm sorry, Earl.
I just wanted to show you
what I'd look like...

as a drunk guy
at an '80s party.

Nice.
Rock the Casbah.

Hurry up!
If I'm late for the funeral,
I'm gonna get in trouble.

The last girl to show up
has to give the departed
his final lap dance.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was only
one man in town...

who could make
people afraid of him
even from beyond the grave.

And that man was Richard Chubby.
During his lifetime,

Richard Chubby
was a powerful businessman.

He owned everything
worth owning in Camden.

Well, come on down!
And don't forget,

sweatpants are allowed
and truckers shower for free.

- And Richard Chubby liked more
than just the smell of money.
- Woof.

And when you combine all
that money and all that power,
you get a whole lot of crazy.

Open up.

Vodka.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And even if he didn't have
a weapon in his hand,

his hand was still a weapon.

It was the scariest
when even Chubby didn't know
what he was doin'.

Would you like me
to freshen that drink for you?

I'll be damned.
[ Laughs ]

I got the wrong gun.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was a huge crowd
at Chubby's funeral,

not 'cause people loved him,
but 'cause attendance...

was mandatory for all
Chubby employees.

Even worse,
the service was scheduled during
their unpaid lunch break.

Damn shame.
I heard Chubby was just tryin'
to do vodka shots,

picked up the wrong gun
and blew his head off.

Poor guy.
Could've happened
to anybody.

You know, we could leave.
It's not like Chubby's
gonna pop out of the coffin...

and kill people
if they walk out.

The reason we're staying
is because of the new boss.
They say he's even worse.

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina was right.
The new boss was even worse,

because with Big Chubby gone,
there was only one person to
take over the family business--

his son, Little Chubby.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Now that Big Chubby had died,

his son was the most
powerful man in Camden County.

That made me nervous,
since me and him had history.

A few years ago,
Little Chubby's favorite hobby
was messin' with people.

He messed with Randy.
Hey, Randy.

There's a, uh, spot
on your shirt.

I'm not lookin' down.
I'm not fallin' for that again.

Come on. Look down.
It'll be a lot of laughs.

All right, fine.
You win.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
He messed with me.

Come on, Earl.
Get your ear pierced,
you know.

Then we could be
earring buddies.

Earrings aren't really
my thing, L.C.

So what you're saying
is you think, uh-- you think
earrings look stupid.

No, no, no, no. That--
That's not what I'm saying.
I like earrings.

Yeah, I think
that's what you're saying.

Little Chubby?
Little Chubby?

What are you doin'?

[ Squealing ]

Let's take a look.
[ Groaning ]

I think you're right.
It does look stupid.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I think this ear
means you're gay.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He even messed with Crabman.

That's the, uh,
Fine Young Cannibals.
** [ Rock ]

Tell you somethin'.
I do not like...

Fine Young Cannibals.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But the reason
he ended up on my list...

was he messed with Joy
when she was pregnant
with Earl Junior.

Did I ever tell you that I, uh,
always had a fantasy of doin' it
with a pregnant chick?

It's like havin' sex
with a fat chick,
except I can't get her pregnant.

I wouldn't have sex with you
if I was starvin' and
your wiener was a ham sandwich.

[ Laughing ]
Ham wiener. Classic.

[ Laughing Continues ]

Ow-- Ow!

Yeah, while, uh, you were
laughin', I accidentally
cut off your rat tail.

So, uh, tell you what there,
prude girl.

Why don't, uh, we see
if you can drink this
before I cut off your hair, huh?

[ Gasping ]
How about that?

Hurry up.

[ Gags ]

He made me drink
Randy's rat tail!

I would've rather drank
a real rat tail. You need
to kill Little Chubby... slowly.

Are you crazy?
I'm not messin'
with that psycho.

Then you should've married
a whore who doesn't mind
being disrespected by a man...

instead of a real lady,
like me!

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was no point in arguin'
with Joy over Little Chubby...

or that "real lady" comment.
[ Door Slams Shut ]

I wanted to make her happy
without gettin' myself killed,

which meant I'd have to be
really, really clever.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Groans ]
[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Number 43 on my list--

racked a rich guy.

Day after the funeral,
I went to talk to Little Chubby
to tell him what I'd done.

I'd expected him
to do somethin' crazy,
but not this.

Earl, I wanna thank you.

Truth is, the day you kicked me
was a-- Well, it was
a turning point in my life.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Little Chubby explained that...

what hurt more than the
stabbing pain in his baby-makers
was the realization...

that everyone hated him.

And even weeks later,
he couldn't shake the pain.

And so he just kept walking.

When a rich person's upset,
they can do more than just
take a walk around the block.

They can take a walk anywhere.
What's up, Aborigines?

And somewhere along his walk,
he got the idea to be
a nicer person in the world--

to do good deeds,
like feed the hungry.

All right, you Aborigines,
which one of you had, uh,
Vegemite on wheat?

The more he talked,
the more I realized
we had somethin' in common.

We were both tryin'
to be better people.

So I didn't wanna come back,
but somebody had to run
the family business.

But I'm not gonna do it like my
dad did. It's gonna be a kinder,
gentler Club Chubby from now on.

Got a, uh,
heated stripper pole
for the gals.

Screening for hep C
free of charge.

And, uh, I finally
put a lightbulb
in the V.I.P. room.

Can I touch the heated pole?
Yeah, sure.

Knock yourself out.
[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, Earl,
I wanna thank you for
making me a better person.

Maybe if somebody had kicked
my dad in the nuts years ago,

he wouldn't have been
such a mean guy, and my mom
wouldn't have hit the highway.

That must've been tough,
seein' your mom leave.

She didn't leave.
My dad threw her out
of a moving car.

Still, it was tough to watch.

Anyways, thanks a lot.
Just wanna--
Just wanna thank you, Earl.

Give me a hug.
It's male intimacy.
It's not just for gays anymore.

Come on.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't think I'm allowed
to take phone numbers.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since it turned out Little
Chubby was a whole new guy,

we started hangin' out
with him again.

Only this time,
he didn't scare
the hell out of us.

I would've got you a card, but
they didn't have one that said,
"Sorry I cut off your rat tail."

Cool!

This is way softer
than my real hair.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He even let us hang out
at the mansion he inherited...

and live like they did
on Silver Spoons.

Whoo!
Hey, Joy. Hey, fetus.
How you two doin'?

Livin' large, L.C.
Man, is this thing comfortable.

They should make wheelchairs
outta this stuff.

Then nobody would bitch
about bein' in one.

I love it here.

Man, I'm rusty.

Who was that?
Oh, uh--
Well, just enjoy.

Pretty nice up here, huh?

Yeah. I could get used
to livin' like this again.

Well, I'm just happy
I could share it with people,
you know.

Friends.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was nice
seein' a man who used to be so
angry all the time be so happy.

Why don't you help yourself
to some fresh fruit?

I think I'm gonna
catch a few Z's.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Still, I wanted
to do somethin'...

so I could cross
Little Chubby off my list.

But I couldn't figure out what
since his life was so perfect.

Then I saw his freakishly
damaged little chubbies,

and I realized
he had two giant problems.

Hey, Earl, you're never gonna--
Oh, my God!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ever since I'd seen
his robe fall open,

I couldn't get Little Chubby's
crazy-looking gonad pouch
off my brain.

And so he was back on my list.

Yeah, that's about
how big each one was.
Now show 'em the color.

It was mostly purple,
like this.

But there was
black and blue too.

Then there were streaks
of a color I could only
describe as "brorange."

That's probably why
he always made that sound
when he sat down.

I thought it was 'cause
he was just relaxing.

- Hey, guys. How's it goin'?
- Hey, man,
sit down and join us.

Don't mind if I do.

[ Grunting Loudly ]

[ Exhales ]
Mmm.

So how you guys doin'?

Now, for the shape,
I'm really gonna need a hammer.

It looks like I always pictured
Grimace's McNuggets.

I bet that's why
he doesn't have a woman.

Little Chubby, not Grimace.
I'm sure Grimace
pulls chicks left and right.

The injury could have affected
his libido, like when
you get a dog neutered...

and it doesn't wanna
hump your leg anymore,
even if you're wearing corduroy.

That explains why he didn't
even look when I kissed Lacey
on stage the other day.

See? That's the look
I expected to get.

Well, I gotta
make it up to him somehow.

I just hope he doesn't need
a transplant, 'cause I don't
think we're the same type.

Okay, are we done comparin'
this mango to a man's 'nads?
'Cause I wanna eat it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Nobody had any ideas about
how I could help Chubby,

so I decided to talk
to him man-to-man.

So you guys saw it, huh?
Well, sorry. I hope it wasn't
too traumatic for you.

You know something?
Aborigine tribes actually
used to pray to them.

So, what do you say?
You almost done here, fellas?

To be honest,
I haven't looked at it
myself for months.

It kind of freaks me out.
Is that one part of it
still, uh--

I don't even have
the words to describe it.
Kind of--

- Brorange?
- Yeah, that's it.

- I'm afraid so.
- You also have bleen,
yurple and gred.

- That's not good.
- So there's nothin'
the doctors can do?

I don't know.
I've never been to a doctor.
My dad always used to say--

He said never trust a man
that wants to put his finger
in your butt.

Yeah, well, you can't
argue with that logic.

Yeah, but on the other hand,
if Dad was so smart,

why would he have a giant
hole in his head
where the vodka should've been?

So, uh,
let's go see a doc, huh?
[ Chuckles ]

Cheese and crackers!

That's somethin'.
I can see your heartbeat.

So can you fix him?

Without a transplant,
hopefully.

Not that I wouldn't
be willin'.
No transplant.

But I gotta say,
you couldn't have kicked him
in a more perfect spot.

Mr. Chubby, you've got
an obdurate testicular hematoma.

Ah. You know
any of those words?

He took the jingle
out of your bells, son.
You're not making testosterone.

That explains
your low sex drive,

and why you rented
Memoirs of a Geisha
the other night.

Man, that was the worst
kung fu movie ever.

So as you can see, Doc,
we gotta fix this right away.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since I was the one
who had broken Little Chubby,

I thought I should be there
when he got fixed.

- How you doin'?
- I'm not gonna
lie to you, Earl.

I'm a little scared.
I miss my mom.

When I was a kid,
I was afraid of the dark
and she'd hold my hand.

[ Drill Whirring ]
Hold my hand, would you, Earl?

Sure.
Thank you.

Then she'd--
she'd stroke my hair.

[ Whirring Continues ]

There you go.
Then she'd sing to me.

Yeah, she was
one hell of a woman,
wasn't she?

She was an angel, Earl.
An absolute angel.
You have no idea.

But now she's dead, and this
guy's gonna take about a quart
of liquid out of my sack.

So just sing to me, Earl.

I remember she--
she loved Skynyrd.
[ Woman ] Suction.

Fine.
[ Clears Throat ]

* If I leave here tomorrow *

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

* Would you still
remember me *
[ Drill Whirring ]

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

* For I must be
travelin' on now *

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

* 'Cause there's too many places
I've got to see *

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
So Little Chubby's doctor...

finally put Humpty and Dumpty
back together again,

and me and Randy
let our new friend
recover at the motel.

The store was outta ice,
so your options are Popsicles
or frozen dinners.

Better stick with the Popsicles.
That picture of Mamma Mia...

looks a little bit too much
like my grandma.

Besides, it'll be
easier to work the Popsicles
around my stitches.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, no. Oh, please, no!

- Another sneeze?
- Oh, yeah, a big one.

[ Grunting ]

[ Sneezes, Screams ]

I can't bear to look.
Did I pop a stitch?

[ High-pitched Voice ]
No, it-- it looks all right.

Have Catalina
bring up more towels,
and I'll call the doctor.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily, nothing fell out...

before the doctor
could re-stitch Little Chubby.

And within a few days,
his cherries
didn't just look normal,

they started sendin'
the proper signals
up to his brain.

Holy crap!
Now I get it.

She jumps, and all her
female body parts move around.

Amazing. No wonder we make
a fortune in this place.

I bet everybody here
has working testicles.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,
testosterone brought back...

more than just Little Chubby's
lust for the ladies.

It brought back
his aggression.

Oh, my God! I won!
I never win.
You must really suck.

Yeah, uh, congratulations.

[ Chuckles ]
[ Sniffing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Before we knew it,
Chubby was up to his old tricks.

Hey, that's my boat.

How would you like it
if I went to your house
and used your Crock-Pot?

Or whatever it is
you poor people cook with.

[ Both Whimpering ]

L.C., what was that?
Limo backfire?

Hey, those are
my water wings.

[ Chuckles ]

You need to kill
Little Chubby.

He shot at the kids and
then he farted in my pool bag.
I had my lunch in there, Earl.

He threw Mr. Turtle
on the trampoline.

Mr. Turtle can't do
anything on the trampoline.

- He was scared
out of his mind.
- I miss my tail.

Well, you're the ones who said
I should help him.

We said you needed
to fix him, not turn him
into a damn monster.

And when I left tonight,
he was forcing two truckers
to lap dance each other.

It's getting dangerous
down there.
I'm quitting.

Oh, hell no, you're not!
You quit, Little Chubby'll
pull my bail bond.

I ain't tryin' to go to prison
just because you're afraid
of gettin' murdered at work.

Earl, you better fix this.

Fine. I'll talk to him.

Were those truckers
good dancers like me,
or did they just phone it in?

Little Chubby.
Hey, Earl.

Okay, beat it, broads.
Come on. What's shakin'?

Well, uh--

Well, I'm-I'm just here 'cause
the gang asked me to come by
and say hello, and--

[ Groans ]
That's funny.
That's the Three Stooges.

Yeah, they're good.
Uh, listen, Little Chubby.

I gotta be honest with you.
You're kind of becoming
a mean guy again.

Mean guy?
I don't understand.
[ Gasps ]

See that?
Well, kind of like that.

I mean, that's somethin'
your dad would've done.

For God's sake,
you got one of his guns
in your pants,

and nobody knows if it's loaded
with vodka or bullets.

It's bullets.
Bullets?

Sure.
See?

Wow.
You're right, Earl.

What's happening to me?
I'm becoming a--
becoming a jerk.

I treat the girls bad.
I take shots at kids.

I'm gonna have a drink.
Want one?

Sure. Well, I gotta say,
this is the third time I've had
to come into your club...

and have to tell you
something really awkward.

But, hey, every time,
it turns out--

[ Chuckles ]
That wasn't the Stooges.

That was the--
That was The Fall Guy.

Oh, man,
that was a weird dream.

I was bein' hung up
in the back of a--

Oh, my God!

- Hey, pally.
How they hangin'?
- What are you doin'?

A little thing called payback.
You may know it as
a great Mel Gibson movie,

but it's also
a synonym for revenge.

[ Gasps ]
Are you crazy?

Well, you explode
my marble pouch,
and I explode yours.

Let me just adjust this.
No, no, no, no, no!

What-What happened to bein'
a good person?

[ Beeping ]

What about--
[ Groans ]

God, it hurts, but I'm glad
it's not my clackers! Aah!

Well, that one
was a little high.

I'll just adjust it here,
and-- You're gonna be
bummed out about this one.

Please, can we talk about this?
You were happy bein' nice.

You said you didn't wanna die
bein' hated and alone
like your dad.

Well, that was back
when my sack was destroyed.
Now I'm all man.

[ Beeping ]

[ Chuckles ]
I saved you.

Look, I-I-I know
there's a good person in there.

You're not just your dad's son.
You're your mom's son too.
Look.

You're part her,
you are,

but her part's bein'
overwhelmed by your dad's
freaky hormone part.

Look, I understand what
you're sayin' there, Earl.

But, uh, what can I tell ya?
I'm a-- I'm a Chubby.

[ Beeping ]
It's my destiny.
It's in my blood.

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew
he wasn't gonna bunt those
balls away from mine forever.

I needed to say somethin',
anything.

* 'Cause I'm as free
as a bird now *

* And this bird
you cannot change *

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd heard of people
singin' for their supper,

and I guess you might say
I was singin' for
my meat and potatoes too.

* Lord knows I can't change *

[ Man ]
* Lord, I can't change *

Little Chubby,
pick up the bat.

* Won't you fly *

- Please, pick up the bat!
- * Free bird *

[ Earl Narrating ]
All I could do was
hold my breath, cringe,

and wait to get racked
by karma's baseball.

And then Little Chubby
did something I never thought
I'd see a man do.

He stood between
me and karma.

[ Beeping ]

He didn't do it
to protect me.
[ Groans ]

He did it to protect himself
from himself.

And like someone
who can't handle their liquor,

Little Chubby realized
he couldn't handle
his testosterone.

So he went cold turkey.

Thanks, Earl.

I can't say
I completely understood why
Little Chubby did what he did,

but, well,
it made sense to him,
and that was good enough for me.

The thing, Earl,
is that in my life,

I've been feared
and I've been loved,

and I like bein' loved
a whole lot better.

Little Chubby!
Thank you for everything.

I never had a
health plan before.
I have 12 cavities!

-So, you have no regrets?
- Well, I probably would've
gone the surgical route.

But you mentioned my mother,
and I got carried away.

But the doctors say
I should be walkin' again
in about a year or so.

It's all good.
[ Earl Narrating ]
As crazy as it all was,

it also kind of
made me realize somethin'.

Sometimes happiness is about
givin' up somethin' precious
to get somethin' better.

And it made me wonder,
would I do the same?

What would I sacrifice
to be loved?
Not my balls.