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1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:03,504
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:06,006
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy has
several issues when he sleeps.
[ Snoring ]
3
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:09,243
He grinds his teeth,
he occasionally
punches me in the face,
4
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:12,413
and he doesn't always breathe.
[ Stops Breathing ]
5
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,217
And although temporarily
dying 12 times a night
didn't bother Randy,
6
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,352
it sure bothered me.
7
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:38,372
[ Snorts,
Resumes Breathing ]
[ Gasps, Sighs ]
8
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,611
** [ TV: Program Theme ]
9
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,880
I'm Nicole Moses with the
Up Before Dawn News Report.
10
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:50,318
Looking first to traffic--
11
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:54,355
There is no traffic
because nobody's up yet.
12
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:57,191
[ Earl Narrating ]
But bein' awake at 4:00 a.m.
must have been karma's way...
13
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,593
of telling me to do
number 29 on my list--
14
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,762
harassed a reporter.
15
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:03,964
It all started
back when I was married to Joy.
16
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,700
[ Loud Explosion ]
17
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,569
Was that the Alcotts'
meth lab?
[ Car Alarms Blaring ]
18
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,472
The Alcotts are close.
Would've been hit by debris.
19
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:15,576
- [ Debris Raining On Roof ]
- It was the Alcotts.
20
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:17,545
People who are on meth
shouldn't make meth.
21
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,580
It's always
the second batch that blows.
22
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:22,516
[ Earl Narrating ]
Exploding trailers were
pretty common where we lived,
23
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,085
but this one was special
'cause a celebrity
blew up in it.
24
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,488
[ Nicole ]
Buck West, owner
of the I Come to You...
25
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,890
and Clean Your Dog
with My Own Supplies...
26
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,660
Mobile Pet Grooming Company,
is dead.
27
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,662
Apparently, his love
for clean animals...
28
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,531
was outweighed by his love
for crystal meth.
29
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,935
Hey, dummy!
You and your stupid brother
are on TV!
30
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:46,340
The family asked that donations
in the name of Mr. West
be made to the family.
31
00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,876
[ Nicole On TV ]
Buck West lived his life
to the fullest.
32
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:52,079
Crazy arms!
I got crazy arms.
I can't control 'em.
33
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,915
Oh, snap.
I gotta record this.
[ TV Continues, Indistinct ]
34
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:57,451
[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily, Joy just finished
tapin' Wheel of Fortune,
35
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,687
so the camcorder was handy.
36
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,555
[ Mutters ]
Stop it!
37
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,691
Also reported killed
in the explosion...
38
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,759
were two drifters,
a homeless man and a bum.
Whoo!
39
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:09,129
[ Groans ]
No berry twisters!
No berry twisters!
40
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,131
[ Groaning ]
41
00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:14,101
[ Earl Narrating ]
And as fun as it was
acting stupid on live TV,
42
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,936
it was even more fun
the next day...
43
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,105
when we found out other people
had enjoyed it too.
44
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:21,074
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Hey, Earl.
45
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,177
You guys were funny.
46
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,879
A lot of folks were upset
about that meth lab
blowin' up,
47
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:28,749
but you and your "crazy arms"
helped 'em smile again.
48
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,818
Yeah. That was
the best thing
on television...
49
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:34,222
since that overly aggressive
minister climbed into
that gorilla's cage...
50
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:37,725
to try to baptize it.
51
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,827
[ Earl Narrating ]
Crazy arms was sweepin'
the Crab Shack,
52
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,862
and me and Randy were
the proudest brothers...
53
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:44,332
since Eddie Van Halen
and his drummer brother.
54
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:48,135
And just like Van Halen,
we were gonna keep playin'...
55
00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:50,338
until everybody got sick of us.
56
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,406
We're here at the
ribbon-cutting ceremony...
57
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:55,676
of Camden's newest
drug-and-alcohol
treatment center...
58
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,412
with local celebrity
TV's Tim Stack.
59
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,414
Local?
60
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:03,784
Would Pat Sajak have dinner
with a local celebrity?
61
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:07,621
- This drug-and-alcohol
treatment-- center.
- Yeah! Yeah!
62
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:11,392
I'm Nicole Moses, live.
Back to you.
[ Chattering, Barking ]
63
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,961
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Randy had given
Channel 3 its biggest ratings...
64
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,664
since the chick who spun
the lottery wheel's
boob fell out.
65
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,132
Live report.
Here comes los brazos locos.
66
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:23,471
Zoo officials stress
the escaped bear is agitated
and extremely dangerous,
67
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,340
despite how agreeable
bears are often depicted
in cartoons.
68
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,342
[ Growling ]
Authorities--
69
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,778
- [ All Laughing ]
- Give me some honey!
70
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:36,284
I got him!
Authorities say the bear most
likely escaped overnight...
71
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,486
during a training session--
72
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,657
Silly brazos locos.
73
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:47,528
[ Earl Narrating ] When we
ran out of news events to crash,
we started makin' up our own.
74
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,597
We're here at Pimmit Hills
Trailer Park...
75
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,232
where a baby has just
been reported missing.
76
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,668
My baby--
My baby is missing.
77
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,971
I don't know what to do.
He is just a baby.
78
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,040
[ Muffled Crying ]
79
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,175
Oh, my God!
That's him.
80
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,613
That's my missin' baby
in the fridge.
Follow me on this. Follow me.
81
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:09,016
I'm trying to get to the fridge
to save this sweet baby's life!
82
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:13,621
- Goo-goo! Ga-ga!
- [ Crowd Laughing ]
83
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:17,190
"Cwazy" arms.
Cwazy arms.
84
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,361
This is not funny.
You people are not funny!
85
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,363
I am a serious journalist!
86
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:25,766
And you are just trailer trash!
Trailer trash!
[ Microphone Thumping ]
87
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:28,001
Mayonnaise-lovin'
cousin humpers!
88
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,904
[ Earl Narrating ]
That was the day we finally
pushed Nicole too far.
89
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:34,107
[ Screaming ]
After that, Nicole's career
went down the tubes.
90
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,677
Randy, wake up.
[ Gasps ]
91
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,746
We gotta go
to the news station.
92
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:42,450
I just saw Nicole Moses.
Oh, thank God
you woke me.
93
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,852
I just had
an eight-hour dream
about a ball of yarn.
94
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,787
It was so borin'.
95
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:50,157
I kept tryin'
to go to sleep,
but I already was.
96
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:53,861
[ Earl Narrating ] Later
that morning, me and Randy
went down to the TV station.
97
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,029
While I explained
my karma list to Nicole,
98
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,299
Randy looked around for answers
about how TV was made.
99
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:03,070
He always hoped there was
a machine that shrunk down
people and furniture to TV size.
100
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,773
He didn't see anything
that looked like a ray gun,
101
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,075
but he did find something else
that made him curious.
102
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:12,880
I want to put you
on the news.
Me, on the news?
103
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,915
Yes. I just need one great
heartwarming story,
104
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,950
and my boss
will give me another shot.
105
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,086
Nick Chavez did a story
about Siamese twins...
106
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:22,289
getting a little cart
so the big one could take
the little one to the mall...
107
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,291
and they put him
in the anchor spot.
108
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:27,127
I remember that story--
Kiki and Tiki.
109
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:30,230
They went to Foot Locker,
but the salesman wouldn't
let them buy three shoes.
110
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:34,968
It's perfect.
I can see the tagline already--
"From hood to good."
111
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:38,338
We start with one
of your mug shots,
then fade to a list item.
112
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:41,141
Can you give a bath
to a crippled lady?
113
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:44,912
I could. It's not on my list,
but they don't scare me
or nothin'.
114
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,980
No, that's okay.
We'll get something good
from the list.
115
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,026
Would I have to memorize
lines or anything?
116
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:02,763
Words go right through my head,
unless it's a Polish joke
or a Judas Priest song.
117
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,198
No. No memorization
and no jokes.
118
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,234
Just you talking about you.
119
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,770
Well, if you think
it'll help,
120
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:12,105
I guess
I'm gonna be on TV.
121
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:24,418
[ Screams ]
122
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:28,456
[ Screaming Continues ]
123
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,695
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was lookin' forward
to bein' on the TV news...
124
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:37,965
as an actual invited guest,
and so was Randy.
125
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,133
I can't decide
whether to comb my hair.
126
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,203
I want to look presentable,
but I want people
to recognize me.
127
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,506
[ Sniffing ]
128
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,610
You smell good.
Aftershave.
129
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:52,079
But don't try puttin' any
on your downstairs.
It burns.
130
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:57,217
Man, bein' a TV star
is complicated.
[ Sniffs ]
131
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,987
[ Earl Narrating ]
Back when we pestered Nicole,
it was easy bein' on TV...
132
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,355
'cause I didn't care
what people thought.
133
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:06,326
But now that I did care
what people thought,
bein' on TV made me nervous.
134
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:10,430
Okay, Earl,
why don't you tell us
how the list began?
135
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,600
All right. I, uh--
136
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,671
[ Clears Throat, Blows ]
I, uh--
137
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:22,075
- No, no. No, let it go.
Don't touch it.
- Sorry.
138
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:25,412
- [ Shouting ] It all started
back when I was--
- Okay, cut!
139
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,581
Can we do a wireless mike
on him?
140
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:31,118
- Please. Thank you.
- If you wanna strap
one of them mikes on me,
141
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,353
I got a buttonhole here
that's missin' a button.
142
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,323
It got caught when I was
ridin' down an escalator
on my belly.
143
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,692
It's a good story.
If you wanna turn
the cameras here--
144
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:42,029
Jim, no. The light's
gonna be in the shot.
145
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,565
[ Sighs ]
Come on, people.
Help me out here.
146
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,567
I don't wanna spend
the rest of my career...
147
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,669
doing the crop report
with a sock-puppet rooster.
148
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:50,804
[ High-pitched Voice ]
Cock-a-doodle mornin',
Nicole.
149
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:54,274
Why don't you tell us
about the situation
with the boll weevils?
150
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,177
Okay, Earl,
why don't you just tell us
how you pick a list item?
151
00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,312
And... action.
152
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,683
Well, sometimes I just
close my eyes and point to one.
153
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,018
Like this.
Oh.
154
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,955
Looks like you cost someone
a very important client.
155
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,592
By the way,
"client" is with a "C."
He's a diamond in the rough.
156
00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:15,495
I'm sorry. I have
to do that again. Wait.
157
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:19,199
He's a diamond...
in the rough.
Print it.
158
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:22,469
You lost this woman
a valuable client,
and she works here?
159
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,605
Well, today, she does.
160
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,778
- Hey, Earl.
- Patty, I need to talk to you
about somethin' on my list.
161
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,681
All right. One sec. I just gotta
give this perv a baby bottle,
162
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,749
burp him, spank him,
powder him, change him,
163
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,751
rock him to sleep,
and then I'm done here.
164
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,153
Wait.
That's the businesswoman?
165
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,955
Okay. Cut, cut.
166
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,658
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
Nicole Moses.
167
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,094
People always tell me
that we look exactly the same.
168
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,597
Do people ever tell you
you look like a daytime hooker?
169
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,632
'Cause if they do,
that's me.
170
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,569
We can't do a story
about you helping a hooker.
171
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,405
This has to be heartwarming
and emotional.
172
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:01,008
I need a Kiki and Tiki.
No, no. Wait.
173
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:04,377
I can do heartwarmin'.
I got heartwarmin'
on here.
174
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:08,048
I got a heartwarmin' story.
Remember that finger
we found in the park?
175
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:11,318
We could try
to find who it belongs to.
Randy, just let me think.
176
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:16,356
Here's one. Number 40--
wrecked the kids' playhouse.
177
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,959
[ Earl Narrating ]
Dodge and Earl Jr.
loved that playhouse.
178
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,695
Let's sleep in here
tonight.
I'm scared.
179
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,931
There's nothing
to be afraid of.
180
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:27,234
- [ Loud Squeaking, Clattering ]
- Aliens!
181
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,770
[ Both Screaming ]
182
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:35,042
See, Randy?
183
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,210
You thought I couldn't
make it all the way home.
184
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,314
Randy?
185
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,952
Randy?
186
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,954
Oh, crap.
187
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,089
[ Dogs Barking In Distance ]
188
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:54,762
Man makes up for ruining
children's dreams.
It's perfect.
189
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:57,164
The public loves
stories of redemption.
190
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,366
Crap. We only have time
to shoot the intro.
191
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,103
Let's shoot over there.
I think the guy in the car
just paid for another round.
192
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:06,940
Excuse me. Reporter lady,
am I gonna be on the camera
pretty soon?
193
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,376
'Cause I don't know
how long my cowlick
is gonna stay down.
194
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,344
What? Oh.
195
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:14,014
Big fella, no, you're not
gonna be on the camera.
196
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,684
The story's about Earl.
I hope I didn't mislead you.
197
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,086
Huh? Oh, no, no, no.
198
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,388
I didn't think I was
gonna be in the show.
199
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,991
I didn't even wanna be.
200
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,959
See?
201
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:30,297
[ People Chattering ]
202
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,132
Hey, dummy.
What's wrong?
203
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,668
World run out
of macaroni and cheese?
204
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,636
[ Laughs ]
205
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,605
Seriously though.
What's your trouble?
206
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:42,375
Stupid reporter lady
won't let me be in her story
about Earl's list.
207
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,177
That's because
it's his list.
208
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,579
Karma hit him
with a car, not you.
209
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:50,183
I help him cross things off,
plus he couldn't have done
half the bad things on there...
210
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,854
if I wasn't with him
smashin' windows and
givin' him a boost and stuff.
211
00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,757
There's your problem.
You're just givin' him
a boost.
212
00:10:56,824 --> 00:11:00,293
Who wants a story
about a man standin' there
pushin' up on another man's ass?
213
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,563
If you wanna get noticed
in this world, you gotta
break away from your brother.
214
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,498
You mean I gotta move
out of the motel?
215
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:08,068
I don't know, Joy.
I don't like
payin' money for soap.
216
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:11,104
I guess I could
make it myself.
217
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,007
What are the ingredients?
There's soap. There's wrapper.
There's--
218
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,976
You gotta stop doin'
whatever he does.
219
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,078
When he was bad,
you were bad.
220
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,147
When he turned good,
you turned good.
221
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,482
You gotta be
your own man.
Do the opposite.
222
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,918
When Earl zigs,
you gotta zag.
223
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,888
The opposite of Earl.
I can do that.
224
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,223
I'm gonna make a list
of all the good things
I've done...
225
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,259
and go around
screwin' those people.
226
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,494
And I'll wear a sombrero
while I'm doin' it.
227
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,330
Earl never wears a sombrero.
228
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,833
Scattered showers overnight
have authorities hoping
for relief...
229
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,769
from the Nathanville
tire fire.
230
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,771
What are you doin'?
231
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,907
I'm practicing
my American accent by
watching your news-lady friend.
232
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:50,643
[ Homogenized Accent ]
The weather today calls for
a high of 62 and a low of 48.
233
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,479
Wow.
234
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:56,683
If you talked like that
a couple months ago, you
wouldn't have gotten deported.
235
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,551
And if that doesn't help,
236
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:02,555
they're asking that people
stop adding tires to the fire.
237
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:06,994
Crazy head! Crazy head's
comin' to town.
Get him off.
238
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,629
Get off my set!
And behind him,
there's gonna be a twister.
239
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,165
Get him off!
Crazy head!
240
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,935
What the hell's he doin'?
What the hell happened
to his body?
241
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,037
You guys! Help me.
Look at me.
I'm Pac-Man.
242
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:20,373
Wok, wok, wok, wok, wok!
Wok, wok, wok, wok, wok!
243
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,942
[ Steady Beeping ]
244
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:32,986
- What's goin' on with you?
- I'm wearin' a sombrero,
which you would never do.
245
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,088
I'm zagging
'cause you always zig.
246
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,557
And I'm gonna be my own man
starting right--
247
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,060
[ Farting ]
now.
248
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:43,030
- Oh, Randy. God.
- That's me zaggin'.
249
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:47,467
Usually I'd be nice like you
and go outside to rip one,
but I'm outta your shadow, Earl.
250
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,470
I'm gonna get noticed
for being me and get
my own TV news report.
251
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:53,706
Then it won't matter that
people don't give me credit
for being part of your list,
252
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,843
'cause I'm doin'
my own thing.
253
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,811
[ Crash ]
Zag.
254
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,513
See? You would never do that,
would you, Earl?
255
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,515
Oh, man! No, I wouldn't.
256
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:05,385
And I'm pretty sure the news
is never gonna do a story...
257
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,354
about a sombrero-wearin' jackass
who goes around breakin' lamps.
258
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,356
You're wrong.
And when they do that story,
259
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,424
I'm gonna make sure
my brother's a part of it,
260
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:14,928
'cause that's something
you wouldn't do.
261
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,898
So that's
what this is about?
262
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:21,334
I'm sorry, Randy.
263
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,437
I didn't even notice
that you were being
left out of the story.
264
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,473
Nobody notices me.
265
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:30,210
It's just like Joy said.
Karma hit you with that car,
not me.
266
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,579
Randy, you're a big part
of the list.
267
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,547
I know it,
you know it,
268
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,850
and, when this story airs,
everyone's gonna know it.
269
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:39,519
'Cause you're gonna be
right there with me
buildin' that playhouse.
270
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:43,523
Really?
Absolutely.
Let's zig together, buddy.
271
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,293
Tell the truth, Earl.
Was crazy head
funny on TV?
272
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,962
Was it funny?
Yeah, Randy, it was funny.
273
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,131
If it had its own show,
would you watch?
274
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,733
Maybe. Depends what time.
275
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,936
[ Earl Narrating ]
Nicole wasn't crazy
about Randy bein' in the story,
276
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:59,506
but she knew I was her best
chance of gettin' back
on the evenin' news.
277
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,841
And she wasn't gonna get Kiki
without Tiki.
278
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:03,977
I learned this
in drama camp.
279
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,979
Better, butter, butter.
Better, butter, butter.
280
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,581
Better, butter, butter.
Better, butter, butter.
281
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:11,218
Better, butter, butter.
Better, butter, butter.
282
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,922
Nicole Moses.
I didn't realize
you were here.
283
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,290
I was just inside
readin' my Bible.
284
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,960
Everything I do is guided
by this holy book.
285
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,495
So if anybody says
that I've done somethin' wrong,
286
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:26,366
well, then they're sayin'
the Bible is wrong. So--
287
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:29,369
Joy, are you on
those happy pills again?
288
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,972
I'm just tryin' to look good
in case any potential jurors
are watchin'.
289
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:36,443
Since you're here,
let me introduce you
to my family of many colors.
290
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:39,646
As you can see,
I have a white son
and a black son.
291
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,749
But I don't see race,
so I can't tell
which is which.
292
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,617
Over here is my husband,
Darnell.
293
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,320
He's servin' America
in the Witness Protection
Program.
294
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,390
[ Darnell ]
No, I'm not.
Oh. That's right, honey.
295
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,725
No, he's not.
296
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,928
[ Earl Narrating ]
And once Nicole
turned the camera on us,
297
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,863
I made sure the spotlight
landed on Randy.
298
00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,733
The best part of doin' my list
is that I get to do it
with my brother, Randy.
299
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,569
He's a great guy,
and he's special.
300
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,605
See? I made it look like
a Little Rascal wrote it.
301
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,308
Now if we can just spike up
a few of Dodge's hairs...
302
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:11,811
and teach Earl Junior
to say "Otay,"
we'd have a show.
303
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:15,582
[ Earl Narrating ] I also
made sure everyone would know
how nice a guy Randy really is.
304
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:19,086
Look. Randy's helpin' out
by entertaining the kids.
305
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,221
He always has been
good with kids.
306
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:24,691
* I'm a little teapot
short and stout *
307
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,660
* Here is my handle
Here is my spout **
308
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:30,197
When he's had a few drinks,
he uses his junk
as the spout.
309
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,199
But never
in front of the kids.
Yeah.
310
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,301
He's been like
a third daddy to 'em.
311
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,303
I-- I remember
when you were in diapers...
312
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,571
and you'd come into
the living room sayin',
313
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,607
"I pooped my pants.
I pooped my pants."
314
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,144
Me and your old daddy,
we'd have to take you out
and set you on the porch...
315
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,579
until your mom could come home
and change your diaper.
316
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,581
That was fun.
317
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,652
That's, uh, on my list.
318
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,887
[ Earl Narrating ]
And by the time it was over,
319
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,990
I made it look
like Randy was in charge.
320
00:15:57,057 --> 00:16:00,160
- What do you think, boss?
- We did it.
321
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,562
He's my brother,
and I love him.
322
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,298
And cut.
323
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:11,171
[ Earl Narrating ]
I got to cross the kids
off my list.
324
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:14,374
And once Nicole said
the story was good enough
to make the evening news,
325
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:17,044
I knew I could
cross her off too.
326
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,179
[ Man On TV ]
And up next--
It's on. It's on!
327
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:21,414
we welcome back
a long-lost friend
to our 6:00 edition.
328
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,616
Nicole Moses
has an uplifting story...
329
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,986
about a hooligan
who turned cool again.
330
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,555
Nicole.
331
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:31,791
Think she used the stuff
with me in it?
I hope so.
332
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:33,826
Camden native Earl Hickey...
333
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,096
is a man
with a pretty checkered past.
334
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,931
Yeah, I used to be a criminal.
I did bad things.
335
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,235
But then karma
made me realize it was time
to do some good things.
336
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,443
He does do good things.
337
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,114
And as it turns out,
the real story
is a story of two brothers.
338
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,816
Yeah.
Did you remember
to call Mom?
339
00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,751
Don't worry.
I called everybody.
340
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:02,089
You see,
out of all the good things
Earl Hickey does now,
341
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:06,526
the biggest one is taking care
of his mentally disabled
brother, Randy--
342
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:10,497
a sweet but needy soul
who can't take care
of himself.
343
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:15,235
Better, butter, butter.
Better, butter, butter.
Better, butter, butter.
344
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:18,305
[ Nicole ]
While Randy Hickey
may look like a man,
345
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,408
he's little more
than a man-child.
346
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,476
What's goin' on, Earl?
[ Crowd Snickering ]
347
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,746
Randy can
entertain himself for hours
with the simplest thing.
348
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,716
* I'm a little teapot
short and stout *
349
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,752
* Here is my handle
Here is my spout **
350
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,556
He's special.
351
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:40,993
[ Crowd Laughing ]
That's why Earl Hickey built
his brother a special gift,
352
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,464
a gift that only
a man would do
for his man-child brother.
353
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,966
How do you like
your playhouse, Randy?
354
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,136
We did it!
355
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,938
He's my brother,
and I love him.
356
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:54,073
I pooped my pants.
I pooped my pants.
357
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:57,444
I'm Nicole Moses with--
Randy, come back.
358
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,047
Poor Randy.
359
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:04,151
You can edit film
to make people think
all kinds of things.
360
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,286
Like the moon landing--
361
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,388
that was all done
with puppets
in my uncle's garage.
362
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,557
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was embarrassed.
363
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,859
- I just hoped not everyone
had seen the report.
- [ Horn Honking ]
364
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,994
Run, Forrest, run.
[ Laughing ]
365
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,397
But they had.
366
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,066
Turned out Randy wasn't
running away from his problem.
367
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,169
He was on his way
to confront it.
368
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:31,578
Why? Why'd you do that to me?
Why'd you make me look stupid?
369
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:34,281
Now I gotta go
win another Grover
out of the claw machine...
370
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,383
to prove to all those people
I'm smart.
371
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:40,119
And that's gonna
cost, like, $600,
and I don't have $600.
372
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:42,289
Look, I'm sorry.
373
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,624
That playhouse story just
wasn't that interesting.
374
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:47,327
I was up against a deadline.
I had to come up
with something.
375
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,397
- But you ruined my life.
- Let's be honest, Randy.
376
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,832
It's not like NASA was
knocking on your door anyway.
377
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:55,202
And all I did was make you
look stupid on TV,
378
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:58,538
just like you did to me
every time I did a newscast,
including yesterday.
379
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,407
Sorry, Randy.
380
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,743
What goes around
comes around.
It's karma, right?
381
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:10,550
Don't worry, Randy.
I'm gonna get Nicole
to reedit the piece...
382
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:12,852
or do a "retracteration"
on the air.
383
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:16,155
I got noticed.
What?
384
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,124
Karma noticed me, Earl.
385
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:21,994
It made me look
mentally "disabilitated"
even though I'm not.
386
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:25,131
And if karma noticed me,
that means I must be special.
387
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:28,735
And I mean the good special--
like you are-- not the slow one.
388
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:31,571
Congratulations, Randy.
389
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,641
You know what?
This one's yours
to cross off.
390
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:38,245
I think we should
cross it off together.
391
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:42,849
I'm Earl, and I'm gonna
cross somethin' off my list.
392
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,917
And then I'm gonna
squeeze my crotch
really hard.
393
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:47,687
[ Groaning ]
No berry twisters!
No berry twisters!
394
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,334
What the hell--
What the hell
are you doin'?
395
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,603
I'm pullin' that tooth
that's been hurting you.
396
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:06,573
You keep moaning in your sleep,
and it's making me
have mummy dreams.
397
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,075
Still, generally, you're
supposed to ask a person...
398
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,010
before you take off
their body parts.
399
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:14,213
I take off your body parts
all the time
while you're sleeping.
400
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:16,349
I clip your toenails,
scrape your corns down,
401
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:20,520
Q-tip your ears,
trim your bangs.
402
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,956
Well, it has been hurtin' me,
and I do hate the dentist.
403
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,595
Soon as I'm back asleep,
have at it.
404
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,708
[ Snoring, Gasps ]
405
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:52,419
Ow! Damn it, Randy!
406
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,887
You pulled the wrong tooth!
[ Groans ]
33253
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