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00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:04,838
[ Earl Narrating ]
Every year, on my birthday,
Randy wakes up early...
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,576
to make me breakfast in bed.
3
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,646
Unfortunately,
he's not used to being up early,
and falls right back asleep.
4
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:16,117
[ Snoring ]
Randy.
5
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:18,018
The thing I was most happy
to celebrate...
6
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:21,222
was not bein' the third person
at the motel to be killed
in a bed fire.
7
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:24,792
Another thing I was celebratin'
was doin' more good things
this year...
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,760
than I had in my entire life,
9
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,830
like helpin' a gay guy
come out of the closet,
10
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,799
returning a nun
to her holy place,
11
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,734
un-ruining a wedding,
12
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:36,870
and helpin' some freaks
jump back into the world.
13
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,073
Lookin' back on the year made me
feel pretty proud of myself.
14
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,342
Is there gum
in these pancakes?
15
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,344
Yeah. I put all your
favorite things in there.
16
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,746
There's beer
and gummy worms.
17
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,815
And you know that button
that came off your yellow shirt?
18
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,819
I put that in there too,
kinda as a joke, but I think
one of us already ate it.
19
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,455
Happy birthday.
Thanks, Randy.
20
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:57,558
I really think this is
gonna be a happy birthday. Oh!
21
00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,561
Found the button.
22
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,131
My name is Earl.
23
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,470
[ Earl Narrating ]
This birthday felt different
than other ones.
24
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:12,106
And not just 'cause I didn't
start drinkin' at noon.
25
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:14,342
I had gone a whole year
doin' good things,
26
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,477
and Randy was throwin' me
a party to celebrate.
27
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,812
Thanks for the button.
It's a good size.
28
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,948
I have a customer at Club Chubby
who makes them.
29
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:25,052
It's not a great business, so he
has to tip me for his lap dances
with buttons.
30
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,888
Look at the cake I got.
It was half price.
31
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:31,325
Who's Gary?
Some guy at the Department
of Water and Power...
32
00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:33,627
who was standin' in some water
when he touched some power.
33
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,063
He's gonna be fine, but they
postponed the retirement party.
34
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,098
We're invited.
"No gifts, please."
35
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,134
Good. I wouldn't have
known what to get him.
36
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,102
It's an ice-cream cake.
37
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:44,572
That's your favorite kind
of cake because it's got
ice cream in the middle,
38
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,607
just like your
favorite kind of truck does.
39
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,510
You know, an ice-cream truck.
I do love ice-cream trucks.
40
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:54,448
Remember how much fun we used
to have with that ice-cream
truck in the trailer park?
41
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:58,752
[ Earl Narrating ] A few years
ago, I was into some show
where guys acted like jackasses.
42
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,954
I think it was called Dumbass.
[ Snoring ]
43
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:05,393
Anyway, when my neighbor's
cable got shut off,
I had to entertain myself.
44
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,796
** [ Ice-Cream Truck
Loudspeaker ]
45
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:11,332
[ Rope Stretching ]
46
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,204
But the tricks
didn't stop there.
47
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:20,374
I found lots of other fun ways
to wake Randy up.
48
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:23,143
[ Vacuum Suctioning ]
Oh, God! Oh, God!
What's happening?
49
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,613
What's happening?
Oh, God! What's happening?
50
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,419
[ Gasps ]
51
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,524
Nice try, Earl.
Pee is warm.
52
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:39,727
- Yep.
- ** [ Ice-Cream Truck
Loudspeaker ]
53
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,230
[ Rope Stretching ]
54
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,035
Listen, I'm sorry.
It's on my list,
55
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:51,539
but tonight's not about what's
still on my list, it's about
what I've crossed off.
56
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,608
It's been a good year, Randy.
I'm gonna go mingle.
57
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:58,412
Hey, Pickled Egg Guy.
Lookin' good.
58
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,915
Nice hat,
African American Cowboy.
59
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,818
Hey, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop.
How's the English comin'?
60
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,921
I speak better than you,
bitch.
[ Chuckles ]
61
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:13,394
There you go, Willie.
See that, Mom?
I help people.
62
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:17,064
Earl, I was just telling
One-Eyed William about the time
you peed on my brand-new rug.
63
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,567
[ Laughing ]
What a story.
64
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,635
There's no way
you'd remember that.
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00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,238
[ Earl Narrating ]
Mom was right.
I didn't remember.
66
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:28,576
But I'd heard about it enough
times to know what it was.
[ Giggling ]
67
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:32,079
Now, you come back here
and get this diaper on,
Mr. Silly Pants.
68
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,047
[ Door Opening ]
Oh.
69
00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:37,751
I think I hear your daddy
comin' back from his night out
with his friends.
70
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,622
Earl, what are you doing?
71
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,258
Not on the rug!
What are you doin'
in the bathroom?
72
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,060
Son, this is not the bathroom!
Shut the door, Mom.
73
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,397
My living room's not a toilet!
74
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,103
That's a good story, Mom,
but that was bad Earl.
75
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,572
I was kinda hopin' we could
focus on good Earl tonight.
76
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,641
You know, the one
who fixes things.
77
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,610
Well, there's only been
one year of good Earl.
78
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,978
I'm not sure we'd have
enough to talk about.
[ Chuckles ]
79
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:10,951
Hey, Willie, why don't you show
my mom what's under your patch.
80
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,857
Oh, God.
It looks like there's
a little raisin in there.
81
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:21,962
Hey, look, Earl.
I'm an alcoholic hamster.
82
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,666
You gotta do that
for Mr. Turtle.
He's gonna laugh and laugh.
83
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,068
Hey, Randy was just
tellin' me about the pranks
you used to pull.
84
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,572
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I've done some bad things.
I'm aware of that.
85
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,342
I've written 'em down.
But I've done some
good things too.
86
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:37,378
I raised your son
for five years.
Let's not forget about that.
87
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,413
Oh, I remember.
88
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,351
Although it's a miracle
I remember anything after
that time you got me stoned.
89
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,489
[ Earl Narrating ]
Before Darnell was making
his famous lemon squares,
90
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:52,493
he used to make
some pretty famous brownies
and sell 'em on Thursday nights.
91
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:59,032
It bein' the Crab Shack,
the only brownies that sold
were the $5 ones.
92
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:02,636
Me and Randy weren't into pot,
but we were into money.
93
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:10,010
[ Chuckles ]
My man. Hook me up.
94
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:13,113
[ Earl Narrating ] The plan was
for me and Randy to buy all
the 25-cent brownies...
95
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:16,149
at the end of the night
and sell 'em somewhere else.
96
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:21,121
Like every Thursday night,
the quarter brownies
didn't sell.
97
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,492
And also like
every Thursday night,
me and Randy drank so much,
98
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,894
we passed out
on the pool table.
99
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,798
So we never got a chance
to buy the real pot brownies.
100
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:33,033
I'm glad the regular brownies
didn't sell.
101
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:37,037
That way, me and my grandmoms
can eat all these brownies
and play Scrabble tonight.
102
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:40,307
We share a sweet tooth
and a love of language.
103
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,910
[ Earl Narrating ]
And I certainly didn't mean
to get him stoned like this.
104
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:46,480
Hey, man.
You sold us pot brownies
with no pot in them.
105
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,617
I just sat through dinner
with my parents straight.
106
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,585
I haven't done that
since I was 13!
107
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,221
I listened to
a whole Phish album!
108
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,957
And it sucked!
109
00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:01,094
[ Narrating ] I certainly didn't
want it to happen like this.
Ow!
110
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,930
It was Biblical.
111
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,333
Okay, then.
Uh, I'm gonna go fire up
the karaoke.
112
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,770
[ Narrating ] Even though the
crowd wasn't nearly drunk enough
to make karaoke entertaining,
113
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:13,607
I knew it would at least
stop people from reminding me
of all the bad stuff I'd done.
114
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:16,677
Okay, uh,
who wants to go first?
115
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:21,381
Maybe sing, uh, I don't know,
"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"?
116
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:24,184
Donny Jones.
Can you come sing for us?
117
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:28,355
- Oh, I don't know.
- Anything you want.
What would Jesus sing?
118
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:31,792
** [ Rock ]
This is for my good friend,
Earl Hickey,
119
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,528
who went to great lengths
to get my mom to quit smokin'...
120
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,330
so we could spend more
precious years together.
121
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:42,803
- [ Cheering ]
- He also got me seriously
injured by a potted fern.
122
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:47,741
Still waitin' for you to
make up for that one, buddy.
[ Chuckles ]
123
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,679
* You're a pot-breaker
fern-shaker, scar-maker *
124
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,014
* Don't you mess around
with me *
125
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,989
** [ Rock ]
* Oh, yeah *
126
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:07,060
* You're a blood-taker
face-raker, frown-maker *
127
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,429
* Get that fern away
No, no, no *
128
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:12,966
[ Narrating ] It was bad enough
people were tellin' me about
the terrible stuff I had done.
129
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:17,237
Now Donny was singin'
about how I almost got him
killed by a fern.
130
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:21,174
I didn't set out to get
Donny hurt. I set out
to help a pregnant Joy...
131
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,544
who wasn't feelin' good
about how she looked.
132
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,646
What are you hens
cluckin' about?
133
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,248
Some more of that blue ice
drop from the sky again?
134
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,318
I swear, those pilots
see a trailer park
and just pull the chute.
135
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:33,887
There's a Peeping Tom
runnin' around.
136
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,389
Mm-hmm. He likes
to watch people do it.
137
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,526
He saw Jill doin' it
with Doug.
138
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,928
He saw Karen doin' it
with clamps on her nubbies.
139
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:44,064
Hey!
That's okay. He saw me doin' it
with clamps on my nubbies too.
140
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,099
Thanks for lettin' me borrow
your nubbie clamps.
141
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:49,136
No attractive woman is safe.
I'm sure he's peeped you
too, Joy.
142
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:52,640
Oh, yeah. He's at
my window all the time...
143
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:55,909
'cause I'm so pregnant
and... hot.
144
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,046
Oh, no!
145
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,749
I left my binoculars
and a six-pack of beer...
146
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:05,519
on the comfy chair
right outside our window!
147
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:09,356
But I'm just too horny now
to go and get them!
148
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:12,125
You put my comfy chair
outside?
149
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:17,197
I had to, Earl.
There's a perv out there
not peepin' on me,
150
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,700
and I want him peepin' on me,
even if it takes all night.
151
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,702
I went to Spencer's Gifts
and got us some crazy stuff,
152
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,704
but we're gonna have to
do it near an outlet.
153
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:27,675
[ Narrating ] I knew no matter
what we did and no matter
what weird gadgets Joy bought,
154
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,677
that perv wasn't gonna
show up...
155
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,979
'cause that perv was me.
156
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,582
But I wasn't actually
peepin' on people.
157
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,984
I'd seen some kids playing
in a big-screen TV box,
158
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,220
and was tryin' to find out
who bought it
so I could steal it.
159
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,725
[ Screaming ]
160
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,560
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't gonna tell Joy
it was me...
161
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,897
'cause I went from havin'
zero sex with a tired,
pregnant woman...
162
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:53,000
to havin' lots of sex
with an angry, pregnant woman
on a mission.
163
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,836
We're gonna do stuff
from the Kama Sutra,
164
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,005
where I sit cross-legged
and wiggle...
165
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:01,575
while you hold it for two hours,
like Sting does.
166
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:06,580
Get that oil out.
We're not stoppin' this love bus
until the baby tugs on the cord.
167
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,382
It's time for spankings.
But not for our kids.
168
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,885
We're good parents.
We use time-outs.
169
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:16,556
It's time for Mama's spanking,
'cause I've been a bad girl!
170
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,425
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was fun at first.
171
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,028
But after a week of still not
gettin' peeped at, she gave up.
172
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,196
I got the sex swing
bolted back
in the ceiling.
173
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:27,735
This time I'm sure I hit a stud.
That makes two studs
in the house.
174
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,671
Forget it, Earl.
He doesn't care about me.
175
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:34,675
I mean, how bad do you have
to be to get passed over
by a trailer-park perv?
176
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:42,182
Well, maybe if we brought
another girl in,
that might do the trick.
177
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:49,356
[ Earl Narrating ] Layin' there,
horny on the ground, I knew
I had to come up with a plan.
178
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:54,161
So I paid my friend
Donny Jones to peep and run.
I knew he'd be perfect,
179
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,064
'cause even when he just
looked at women normal,
it creeped 'em out.
180
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,838
Hey! It's him!
181
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,174
He's peepin' me!
He's peepin' me!
182
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,944
[ Earl Narrating ]
The peep part worked out fine.
The runnin' part didn't.
183
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,280
Ow! Ow!
184
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:16,316
This is for peepin' me before
I finished Jenny Craig!
185
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,688
I forgot about
that fern thing.
186
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:23,691
Donny showed me where he's got
a piece of that terra-cotta
underneath his scalp.
187
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,226
It's, like, this big,
shaped like Texas.
188
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,062
It's half that big, okay?
And he should be thankin' me.
189
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,765
It's the only thing
he has to talk about,
other than his Bible.
190
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,001
Besides, the whole thing
started with me tryin'...
191
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:37,037
to make you feel better
about yourself
when you were pregnant.
192
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,206
Please.
You were horrible.
193
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:42,409
If I hadn't been carrying
another man's baby,
I would've left you.
194
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,178
** [ Rock ]
195
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:49,182
[ Man ]
* I was just a skinny lad *
196
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,251
Come on.
197
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,755
[ Man ]
* But I knew life
before I left my nursery *
198
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,990
Whoa!
[ Laughing ]
199
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,993
Come on.
200
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,229
* She was such
a naughty nanny *
201
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:06,967
* Heap big woman
You made a bad boy out of me *
202
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,669
* Oh, won't you
take me home tonight *
203
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:12,139
Come on.
204
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:16,309
* Oh, and you give it
all you got *
205
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:19,246
- Hey, fatty.
- * Fat-bottomed girls *
206
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:22,449
- Come on.
- * You make the rockin' world
go round **
207
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:27,888
Look, I'm sorry.
How many "G's" in "pregnant"?
208
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,957
What do I look like,
a professor of spellin'?
209
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,459
Just put it on there,
and do it soon.
210
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,829
Whoa.
211
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,465
Not before you
do number 86.
212
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,700
That one was way worse.
213
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,870
[ Earl Narrating ]
Eighty-six was a bad one.
214
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:45,238
It was Ladies Night
at the Crab Shack,
215
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:49,109
which meant me and Randy were
usin' some of our best moves.
216
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,780
Hi, I'm Randy.
Are you drunk enough
to go home with me?
217
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,318
Yep.
218
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,190
You got great boobs, Peggy.
219
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,325
My name's Didi.
220
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,327
You got great boobs, Didi.
221
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,198
Your mama sure raised
a sweet talker.
222
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,333
[ Earl Narrating ]
Everything seemed normal,
[ Snoring ]
223
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,003
until the next morning.
224
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,439
I'm gonna make us
some coffee.
225
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:25,946
But when Didi got out of bed,
one of her legs
didn't go with her.
226
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:33,253
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God!
227
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,023
Oh, my God!
Do you want me
to whip up some eggs?
228
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,359
Shut up! I'm thinkin'!
I mean, sure.
229
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:45,765
Earl, can you come in here
and give me a hand?
230
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,236
A hand?
There was a hand?
[ Whimpers ]
231
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,338
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted out of there fast,
232
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,740
but I had paid
for Didi's drinks all night,
233
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,977
and I thought
I deserved a refund.
234
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,781
Earl, do you mind--
235
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,417
You son of a bitch!
236
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,888
[ Grunts ]
Wait!
237
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:12,125
Uh, uh, stand back!
Stand back!
[ Screams ]
238
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:16,263
You said you loved me!
239
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,131
[ Ricochet ]
240
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:22,269
- [ Glass Clinking ]
- Everyone, can I get
your attention, please?
241
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,839
I'd like to give a toast to
my son, the man of the hour.
242
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,875
Stand up, Earl.
243
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,279
I am so proud of the man
you've become.
244
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,714
[ Earl Narrating ]
I never would've expected
my dad to be the one...
245
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,616
who finally
turned my night around.
246
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:40,087
Because, boy, you were
a pain in the ass.
It turns out he wasn't.
247
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,656
Remember the time you almost
got me divorced?
248
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,326
[ Earl Narrating ]
Dad wasn't always in a good mood
when he came home from work.
249
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:48,361
Earl, get your feet
off the table.
250
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,065
[ Boys Laughing ]
251
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:55,535
- I said get 'em off.
- They're not on the table.
Look.
252
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,371
Yeah?
253
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,441
Well, let's see you put
your feet on it now?
254
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,781
Oh, you think that's funny?
255
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,051
[ Chattering On TV ]
256
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:18,491
Ah, enjoy your cartoons now.
[ Cackles ]
257
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,429
Man, your dad is a jerk.
258
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,564
[ Earl Narrating ]
I thought my dad
was a jerk too.
259
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:28,801
In fact, I wished Dad was more
like my friend Eric's mom.
260
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,904
[ Chattering On TV ]
261
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,406
Oh, hi, babies.
262
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,375
How are you?
263
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:39,346
Oh, you are so handsome,
all of you, like little men.
264
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,982
Oh, no, no, no, don't move
your feet, don't move your feet.
265
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,051
Now, let's see.
266
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:47,154
This little piggy
went to the market,
267
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,358
and this
little piggy went, uh--
268
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,265
Oh, he went somewhere else.
269
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:02,569
Hey, why are we not dancing?
270
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,837
Oh!
271
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,806
Your mom is so cool.
272
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,542
[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't get how drinkin'
made Eric's mom so happy.
273
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,346
My dad drank too,
but he never wanted to dance.
274
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,183
Then I saw she had
a secret formula.
275
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,387
Mmm.
276
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:26,659
Did you tell your brother
he could eat all the pigs
out of the blankets?
277
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,928
What are we supposed to do
with all these blankets?
278
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:32,665
Our friends are gonna
think we're so poor
we can't afford the pigs.
279
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,969
[ Earl Narrating ]
Even at his own anniversary
party, Dad was grouchy.
280
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,438
But luckily, I stole
some pills from Eric's mom.
281
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:49,682
A little while later,
my dad went from unhappy
to a little too happy.
282
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:55,722
Uh-oh. There's a goose
on the loose!
[ Quacking ]
283
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,925
[ Quacking ]
[ Gasps ]
284
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,761
[ Quacking Continues ]
285
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,831
- Ooo-ooh!
- [ Screams ]
286
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,733
Hey, everybody!
287
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:11,604
What do you say
we have ourselves
a little key party?
288
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:17,644
Kay's wanted to be with
a black man ever since
she saw Roots. Shh!
289
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,646
Hey, come on, Perry.
Come over here.
290
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:23,050
Cough up some keys. I want to
get a shot at your fine wife.
[ Chuckles ]
291
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,653
No, wait.
No fat chicks.
292
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,689
Just kidding!
I love fat chicks!
[ Chuckles ]
293
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,691
Mini-quiche?
294
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:37,097
I slept on the couch
for a week after that party.
295
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:40,200
That's when
my back problems started.
Thanks for that one too, Son.
296
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:44,304
[ Earl Narrating ]
My celebration had turned into
the birthday that wouldn't end.
297
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:47,840
And Earl left me with one
turntable and no microphone.
298
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,742
It's on the list.
299
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:54,647
[ Synthesized Voice ]
Then he made a wish and
threw a penny in my hole.
300
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:59,886
[ Crowd Groans ]
165, and I'll never
drink cinnamon schnapps again.
301
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:03,723
He stole my left
front hubcap, he stole
my right front hubcap,
302
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,527
he slept with my sister,
he stole my right rear hubcap.
303
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,430
I gotta get some air.
304
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:14,934
He stole my left
windshield wiper, he stole
my right windshield wiper,
305
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,704
he stole the pine tree
air freshener.
306
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:21,341
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't just gettin' air. I was
goin' home. I'd had enough.
307
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:25,845
I realized I'd been wrong
to expect everyone to make
a big fuss about me and my list.
308
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:30,883
Well, I guess the only person
that was gonna pat me
on the back was me.
309
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:34,854
And then I saw the last person
in the world I wanted to see
come hoppin' towards me.
310
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:38,125
- Earl!
- Unbelievable.
311
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,394
Hi, Didi.
Uh, I was gonna call you.
312
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,533
Wait!
313
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:48,701
You son of a bitch!
314
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,511
[ Grunting ]
315
00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:04,584
[ Grunting ]
316
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:13,092
[ Moans ]
Mother, mother, mother, mother!
317
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,198
Come on!
318
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,337
- [ All ]
Surprise!
- Happy birthday!
319
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,539
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
320
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,809
- Surprise, Earl!
It was all a prank!
- Huh?
321
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,912
We thought trickin' you
would be funny, like when you
tied that rope to my foot.
322
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,682
But instead of rope,
it was mean words
about things you've done...
323
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:39,252
that made you want
to hate yourself.
Well, it worked.
324
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,554
- It was all my idea.
- You gotta admit, it was funny.
325
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,557
- [ Imitating Earl ]
I mean, come on.
- [ All Laughing ]
326
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:49,629
We were about to let you
in on it, but you went off
with your panties in a wad.
327
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,465
Happy birthday.
What are you doin'?
328
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,534
Crossin' off the key party
incident.
329
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,869
Nobody knew what to get you
for your birthday.
330
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,906
Yeah, they stopped makin'
those flannel shirts in 1991.
331
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,175
[ All Laughing ]
332
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:05,912
So we figured the best idea
was we each pick a thing
and cross it off your list.
333
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,948
Randy, cross off the
piddle-on-the-rug one for me,
would you?
334
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:13,253
You've done a lot of
good things this past year.
We're real proud of you, Son.
335
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,455
I-I-I don't know what to say.
336
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,624
Hey, Earl, can I give you
your cake now?
337
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:21,160
The wind from the bullet hole
in the wall keeps
blowin' out the candle.
338
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,095
Don't forget to make a wish.
[ Pounding On Door ]
339
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,298
[ Didi ]
Earl, open the door!
340
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:28,435
- Is Didi in on this?
- No.
341
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,538
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had tried to make up to
Didi before, and I will again.
342
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,606
But tonight was not the time.
343
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:37,544
So what I wished for
was for Didi to go away.
344
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:44,050
And after 30 minutes
of waitin'--
[ Glass Shattering ]
345
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:48,054
And a brick through
the El Camino window--
[ Car Alarm Blaring ]
346
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,257
[ Car Alarm Beeps Off ]
347
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:52,459
She's gone!
348
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,928
Now, who's ready to get
this party started right?
349
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:03,270
** [ Rap ]
350
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,279
[ Man On Record ]
* Aw, dig it *
351
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,150
* Cold cooling at a bar *
352
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,986
* And I'm lookin'
for some action *
353
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:24,424
[ Earl Narrating ]
This was exactly the way I
pictured my birthday happening.
354
00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:27,960
* The girls are all around
but none of them want
to get with me *
355
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:31,398
[ Earl Narrating ]
Well, except how Dad
was freakin' on Mom.
356
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:39,238
And like all my birthdays,
I eventually got drunk
enough to break-dance.
357
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:41,674
[ All ]
Go, Earl. Go, Earl.
358
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,810
It's your birthday.
It's your birthday.
359
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,878
Go, Earl. Go, Earl.
360
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,814
It's your birthday.
It's your birthday.
361
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,617
Go, Earl. Go, Earl.
362
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,452
It's your birthday.
It's your birthday.
363
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:54,687
Go, Earl. Go, Earl.
364
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,023
It's your birthday.
It's your birthday.
29933
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