All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E15.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

Can I lick the envelope
when you're done?

I like knowin' my spit's
goin' all the way to France.

The furthest my spit's
ever gone before...

is wherever that hippie who
asked us for directions
was goin'.

Just remember.
Up and down, not side to side.

You don't want to
cut yourself again.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I don't normally write letters,
much less to foreign countries,

but I'm doin'
number 44 on my list--
picked on a French kid.

He was an exchange student
from France
who went to my school.

His name was Pierre,
and he was kinda different.

That's the kind of kid
I liked to pick on.

Good morning, class.
This is our exchange
student, Pierre.

Welcome to America, commie.

[ All Laughing ]
Pourquoi?

And pickin' on someone was
always the one thing in school
I could concentrate on.

- [ All Laughing ]
- [ Bell Rings ]

But, like my grandmother's
French poodle,

eventually that
little bitch bit back.

Time's up.
Trade quizzes
with your neighbor.

Number one,
the answer is 47.

Earl Hickey has it wrong.

What are you doing?
Grading your quiz.

Cut it out.
In America, we don't
grade 'em out loud.

Answer two is 12.

Earl Hickey wrote five.
Plus there is a booger
on the page.

He put it there!
It's a French booger.

[ Earl Narrating ] I think it's
funny when people look stupid,
except when that person is me.

This school wasn't big enough
for the two of us,

so I decided to let Pierre know
that his choices were
go home or die.

Go back to where you came from,
you stupid jerk!

[ Earl Narrating ]
It worked.

Pierre left the school,
the country
and never came back.

So I sent Pierre
a plane ticket...

and a letter askin' him
to give America another try.

I also put in a picture
of myself so he'd remember
who I was.

I can't wait for you
to give Willie the mailman
your envelope.

When he sees he's gotta
go all the way to France,
he's gonna be pissed.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Two weeks later,

me and Randy both got
something exciting in the mail.

Pierre's comin' to visit,
Randy.

And I got my
Rainbow Sugar Bits
night-light.

Catalina's gonna like this.

She loves rainbows,
and it smells like
fake fruit cereal.

And chicken.

Oh, it's just my hand.

[ Earl Narrating ] The reason
Randy was hopin' Catalina
would like the night-light...

was 'cause their relationship
had changed in a major way.

After Catalina got deported,
Randy married her so she could
get back in the country.

Then they got an apartment,
in case Immigration
checked up on 'em.

And today was movin' day.
Only Randy wasn't sure
if he was actually movin'.

Hey, Earl. You think
she wants me to sleep there,

or am I supposed to
just leave my stuff?

Only one person knows
the answer to that.

** [ Chorus Vocalizing ]
God.

Maybe.
And also Catalina.

Oh.

Randy wanted to ask her, but
every time he started thinkin'
about sleepin' at Catalina's,

he started thinkin' about
sleepin' with Catalina.

Hey, Catalina, um--

And thinkin' about that
made him giggle.

Do-- Uh--
[ Wheezing Laugh ]

Uh, would--

[ Wheezing Laugh ]

I didn't ask her.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes bein' an American
means goin' all out...

to say you're sorry
to a foreigner you strangled.

I didn't know what
the French flag looked like,

so I just drew that boot shape
to represent France.

Actually, Italy is
the one shaped like a boot.

Really?
What's France shaped like?

It's just an amorphous
country shape.

Yeah, I don't think
I can draw that.

But I think Italy's near France,
so I'll just go with the boot.

Why the hell are you
makin' somethin' up to
a French guy anyway?

I can't stand
French people.

Dated a guy
from Quebec once. He was
obsessed with my feet.

Your feet?
Are you kiddin'?

You got that toe
that's turned away like
it's mad at the other ones.

That's what I'm sayin'.
They probably
all like feet.

Whole damn country's
shaped like a boot.
[ Bell Dings ]

That's Italy.

- Pierre?
- Earl? Earl Hickey?

Pierre!

[ Groaning ]

Damn, I thought you people
were afraid to fight.

Oh, a World War II joke.
That's fresh.

Holy crap!

That head butt
was so damn rad!
[ Giggles ]

You know what?
Maybe French people
ain't so bad.

I mean, I love your nail tips,
and I've been doin' your kind of
kissin' since I was 12.

Now I shall bid you adieu.

- What? Wait.
You-- You just got here.
- And I did what I came to do.

So I'm catching
my return flight and leaving...

before anything more than
the soles of my shoes touches
your pee-hole of a country.

- What'd he just say?
- It's okay, Joy. He-- He just
had a long plane ride.

Plus, I strangled him.

Which I'm sorry for,
Pierre. Uh, and I want to
make it up to you.

So just stay a few days,
and I'll show you
what's great about America.

I would rather eat
the foie gras of
a substandard goose.

I have a taxi waiting.

Wait. Pierre.

Sorry about your purse.
This is Louis Vuitton.

Shh! This isn't the kind of
bar you want people to know
you name your purse.

In France,
you would be in a zoo.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew Pierre would be back.

Not because what I said
convinced him to give
America another try,

but 'cause I had temporarily
stolen his wallet and passport.

Zut alors!

Hey. Change your mind?

No. My wallet
and passport are missing.
You check your purse?

You son of a bitch.
It's a satchel.

Look, I know this didn't go
how either of us planned,

but, hey, maybe this is karma
saying you should give
America another chance.

One of the cool things
about us...

is that we like to
take in foreigners
and help 'em when they're down.

[ Scoffs ]
Yeah, right.
Give me one example.

You ever see E.T.?

Oh. You mean that movie where
your government kidnapped
an innocent alien...

and almost
tortured him to death?

Oh, and then when he escaped,
they chased him with guns,

forcing him to flee America
and fly back home?

You ever see the movie
Moscow on the Hudson?

- [ Stammers ]
- Since replacing a passport and
credit cards takes a while,

Pierre had no choice but
to be my guest in America.

So I got him a motel room
right next door to mine.

So. I am guessing there is
no 24-hour concierge?

Uh, if "concierge" is
a fancy word for "hooker,"

they'll be around
as soon as the methadone
clinic closes.

Uh, I don't--

Now, I'd like to present
to you a very special gift,

a token from me to you
of friendship and
supernational understanding.

It's a Statue of Liberty
bobblehead.

I know, stupid.
It came from France.

It says here
it came from China.

No, the original.
It was a gift
for humiliating England.

And what did you do with it?

You floated it in the sewage
from New Jersey...

and allowed millions of
obnoxious tourists to drop gum
and snow cones in her bosom.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I never knew the Statue
of Liberty was a woman.

I had a lot of questions
about America for Pierre,

but I wanted
to be the expert,

so I kept my mouth shut
and just showed him
the stuff I did know.

And there was a lot stuff right
here in Camden that made America
great. Like the gravel pile.

Pretty cool, huh?
Sometimes we throw
pennies in there,

and then when
they make a new road,
we go lookin' for 'em.

- Haven't found any yet.
- * You got that right *

* Sure *
Let's see some other stuff.

* Got that right **

[ Earl Narrating ]
I took him to see Camden
County's largest freeway pileup.

Now, imagine this spread out
a mile along the freeway.

It made the Guinness Book
of World Records.

Okay, that's a lie,
but it's probably
in a book somewhere.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He was hard to please.

He wasn't even impressed
by some of Camden's
most beautiful sights.

It's like takin' a trip
around the world, huh?

You see all the Jesuses?
When you walk by
the black one, he winks.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had shown Pierre
a ton of gravel,

smashed cars and fancy art,
and I didn't know
how to top it.

So I needed help from
some people who loved America.

And on Friday night,
the Crab Shack's
crawlin' with 'em.

How can you not
like this country?
It's got everything you want.

Except for a big-ass fence
on the border.
We're workin' on that too.

In America,
you can get a hamburger
as big as your head...

and a marshmallow
as small as your pinky toe.

We got baseball,
roller coasters...

and a system of jurisprudence
based on Jeffersonian democracy
and not the Napoleonic Code.

That little dude was wack.

Racial harmony.
Pursuit of happiness.
Seinfeld.

Green Day,
Northern Lights,

Maui Wowie,
Mendocino Greeno,

Carolina Sugar-Bud,
government medicinal.

It's not bad for legal weed.

Big-ass malls.
Santa Claus.
Kid leashes.

Pac-Man.
Donkey Kong.
Dig Dug.

Mrs. Pac-Man.
Frogger.
Mrs. Frogger.

We don't have that one yet,
but I'm sure the scientists
are workin' on it.

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

Rose Bowl Parade.

Homo Pride Parade.

All the wars we've won.
Revolutionary.

Spanish-American.
1812.

We won that war
18 to 12?
That was a close one.

- Women shave their armpits.
- We play football
the right way.

- Lance Armstrong.
- Ah!

[ Speaking French ]

Vive la France!

[ Earl Narrating ] I was about
to give up on changing
Pierre's mind about America.

Then I realized maybe there
was a better person for the job.

But America's
such a great country.

Everywhere you look,
there's toilet paper.

Some of it even has
lotion in it.

Mmm. It takes a lovely woman
like you to make such
a horrible place sound...

so wonderful.

It is wonderful.

America is
the land of the free
and the home of the slaves.

Oh, Catalina,
you have that, um--
[ French ]

How do you say?
Je ne sais quoi.

Isn't this great? Americans
and foreigners sittin' around,
havin' fun together.

It's true what they say.
America really is
a melting pot.

** [ Jukebox: Rock ]

Earl. Earl.
Earl! Earl!
What, Randy?

The French dude likes Catalina.
I know.
It's great, isn't it?

It's the first time
he smiled since he got here.

He wouldn't even smile
at Gigglebelly.
Who's not gonna laugh at this?

Hey.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm a baby.

Watch me suck my thumb.
Hey!

You neither?
Maybe I'm drawin' him wrong.

This is important, Earl.
He's hittin' on her,
and I think she likes it.

- Randy, you're overreactin'.
- He's making eyes at her, Earl.

Just like that French skunk
does with the girl cat,

only this time
the girl cat's
not tryin' to get away.

Just relax and trust me.

Or you'll get a kiss.
[ Kissing ]

Shut up, Gigglebelly.

And that is why they call it
the City of Light.

Wow. Paris sounds
so beautiful.

It's the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen.

Until now.
Really?

Camden's prettier?

You are so modest.
I love that about you.

Excuse me a moment.

Wow. He's goin'
to the bathroom.
That's disgusting.

I like him.
I think he's kind of sweet.

Go back to where
you came from,
you stupid jerk!

Catalina's mine!

[ Coughing ]

Pierre, what happened?
Your brother
squished my throat!

Damn it, Randy.

- What the hell'd
you do, Randy?
- I strangled him a little.

- You're screwin' up my list.
- He was makin' a move
on Catalina.

Well, so what if he was.
Huh?

Look, there's always
gonna be guys who want to
ask your wife out. She's hot.

Besides, she isn't
your real wife. She doesn't
even know you love her.

I'll tell her
when the time is right.
When's that gonna be, Randy?

You keep draggin'
this thing out,
and you're drivin' me crazy.

If you're not man enough to talk
to Catalina, all you deserve
is a green card marriage.

Stop it!
Green card marriage.

Stop it! I'm warning you!
Green card marriage.
Green card marriage.

- Stop it, Earl!
- [ Groans ]
Gross, Randy!

It's got a hair on it!
Randy, what are you doin'?
Stop sayin' what you're sayin'!

I'm only sayin' it
'cause you know I'm right.

Leave me alone!

Stay outta my life.

Fine. But nothing's gonna change
until you grow a pair
and finally tell Catalina.

Grow a pair of what
and tell me what?

Nads. And I-I--

I, uh,

been wantin' to
say somethin' to you...

ever since I saw you
and-- and called dibs.

I think you're the most
beautiful, sweetest girl
I ever met,

and I want to
squash bugs for you...

and pick you up
over puddles...

and be your real husband
because I love you.

I love you too, Randy.

[ All ]
Aw.

Earl! Earl!

What am I gonna do?
Randy thinks I love him.

That's what happens when
you tell a man you love him.
What else could I do?

I didn't want to humiliate him
in front of all those people.

I gotta go talk to Pierre
before he gets on a plane.

Just find a way
to let Randy down easy.

Be honest,
and he'll understand.

And when you talk to him, if
one of your breasts accidentally
falls out of your shirt,

wouldn't be the worst thing
in the world.

Pierre?

Pierre?
Go away!

I have an attack dog in here.
Woof, woof!

Down, boy! Woof!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Pierre wouldn't answer
when I knocked,

so I spent all night tryin'
to get his attention through
a bullet hole in the wall.

Pierre, I know you don't want
to talk, but you're my guest,
so I have to give you breakfast.

I hope you like
Rainbow Sugar Bits.

Earl.

I'm givin' breakfast
to the French guy.

- Hey. Can I borrow your master
key to break into his room?
- Anytime. Guess what.

Last night,
Joy told me how to solve
my problem with Randy.

You don't really love
that doofus, do you?

No. I just didn't
want to hurt him.

I hear ya. Listen, nobody
is more sensitive to hurtin'
people's feelings than me.

Tell you what
you need to do.

You need to
have sex with him.

Mmm. This feels like the time
you told me the public pool
was topless.

I forgot about that.
My boys still ask about you.

No, this is serious.
Once I had to break up with
this dude from Quebec,

but I didn't want to hurt
his feelings because he was
assistant manager at Sam Goody,

and I was gettin'
all kinds of free cassettes.

So I slept with him.
Only I made sure I was terrible
so he'd never want to again.

You slept with a guy
for free cassettes?

Just once.
It was before CDs.
Don't you judge me.

What you need to do is
get yourself all stinky,
smelly and nasty.

Don't shower, don't shave.
Let that mustache
grow out a little.

If you're bad enough,
he'll never want to
have sex with you again,

and you can just go back
to being friends.

Thanks, Joy.

That might actually work.

Wait a second.
How old were you?

CDs came out in 198--
Okay, I said don't judge me.

By tomorrow,
he may not want to have
sex with me ever again.

He may not want to have sex
with anyone ever again,
but that is not my problem.

Well, good luck with that.

[ Wheezing Laugh ]

Hey, Earl, guess what.
[ Wheezing Laugh ]

I know, Randy.
I know.

[ Wheezing Laugh ]

Oh, good. You're eatin'.

Look, I just want to
apologize for what
my brother did.

- It's a long story, and--
- He ruined it.

I was going to get the girl
with my sexy accent.
That never works at home.

Wait, you don't talk
like that at home?

Everybody talks like this
at home.

That is why we come here--
to get that edge.

But that edge is worthless
if someone is always going to
be blocking the rooster.

I don't think
you translated that right.

It's always the same
with you Hickeys.

Every time I get close
to the romance, you screw it up.

Just like
when we were in school.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out while I was
hatin' Pierre,

the girls in the class
were lovin' him.
[ Giggling ]

You are so funny, Pierre.
When you held up Earl's quiz, he
looked like he was going to cry.

And the best part is
it was my booger.

I am going to the lavatory,
and when I come back, I will
judge the kissing contest.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He never got to judge
that contest, 'cause...

when he went into the bathroom,
I strangled him.

No wonder none of the stuff
I did made you smile.

You didn't come here
to learn about America.
You came for the girls.

Yes, of course. First I was
going to kiss the redhead. Then
I was going to kiss the blonde.

Then I was going to make
the redhead kiss the blonde. Ah!

I had it all planned out.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then it hit me like a head butt.

I knew how to cross Pierre
off my list.

Pucker up, my French buddy.
We're gonna find those girls.

Huh?

So the next day, we went out
to find the four girls
he didn't get to kiss.

And Pierre was right
about one thing.

That accent cut right through
all the small talk.

Findin' the girls wasn't
nearly as hard as I thought.

It was a beautiful thing
watchin' Pierre's French accent
blend with our native tongue.

There was one girl from class
we couldn't find.

Fortunately, she had
a real friendly sister.

Since the first four
went so well,

Pierre decided to tell me
about a fifth girl
he had a crush on.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

And I knew
right where to find her.

I learned somethin' that day.
Whether you speak
French, American...

or that crazy clickin' sound
they make in the jungle
somewhere,

there's one language
that everybody can speak:
the language of love.

You know what, Pierre?
I was a little iffy on you,
but I was wrong.

You're a good guy.
I feel like I made a friend.

Me too.
I was wrong about America.

When I was young,
I dreamt it was
a wonderful place,

and you made
that dream come true.

Well, come back sometime,
and maybe I'll help you
get to second base.

Oh, but of course.
I will come back the next time
I need a break...

from my stupid
wife and kids.
What?

[ Earl Narrating ] While I was
tryin' to figure out if I needed
to put Pierre's wife on my list,

Randy's wife was
puttin' stuff on her armpits.

In fact, she was doin'
anything she could...

to make sure she gave Randy
the worst night of his life.

* Love stinks *

- * Yeah, yeah *
- * Love stinks *

* Love stinks *

* Yeah, yeah *

- * Love stinks *
- * Love stinks *

- * Yeah, yeah *
- * Love stinks *

* Love stinks
Yeah, yeah **

[ Randy ]
Catalina?

I'm ready to, uh--

- Catalina?
- Climb in bed, Randy,

and make love to me
the way your father
does to your mother.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That night, Randy learned
that two hours of torture...

could wipe out
almost two years of love.

[ Randy ]
Ow, ow, ow!
That's sharp!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy's advice to Catalina
worked perfectly.

But there was one thing Catalina
hadn't planned on.

Oh.

That was amazing.

Randy, where are you going?

I have to, uh--
to-- to the motel.

Please don't go, Randy.
That was the best sex
I ever had.

You were so sweet
and so caring.

I felt so loved.

Really? 'Cause I was just
tryin' not to barf.

I know. I--

I smell like fish, cheese and
onions, but that was on purpose.
I could wash it off.

You can't wash off
the fact that you pretended
to be my mother.

I'll never be able
to shake that.

I'm sorry. I don't want to
hurt your feelings
or lose you as a friend,

but this is just
a green card marriage.

Randy, come back.
You were amazing.

Please don't go, Randy.
Randy, please.
You were amazing.

Randy, please! Don't go!