All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E13.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Abernathy.

I hope the retirement
trailer park community
is everything you saved for.

Oh, it will be.
Golden Endings is
supposed to be lovely.

They say there's
a bunny living there.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We hadn't seen Mrs. Abernathy
in six months,

and I thought
she was already dead,
so I was happy to see her alive.

They're gonna die soon,
aren't they, Earl?

At least they'll
be near a bunny.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was also happy to see her
leave, 'cause that allowed me...

to do number 52 on my list--

dig up and return
the buried treasure.

It all started back
when me and Joy were married.

Some families all get
together and play Scrabble.

But since we couldn't spell,
we would just go stealin'.

We steal enough stuff tonight,
I'm gettin' a motorcycle.
No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.
You're not gettin'
a motorcycle, dummy.

You broke your collarbone
tryin' to drive the kids'
Big Wheel.

No one ever talks about
how I made it one mile down
the highway on that Big Wheel.

They only talk
about the collarbone.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We were bored of robbin'
our usual places,

like the hardware store
or my dad's house,

so we chose a place
we'd never been before:

The library.
[ Joy ]
Come on. Let's get to stealin'.

Can I stay back here
and be lookout?
Why?

I can't touch books.
You know how afraid
I am of paper cuts.

They might as well
make books out of knives.

When I start cryin',
Joy's gonna make fun of me.

You know, like how she does
because I can't snap.

Are you comin' or not?
Randy's gonna stay here
and be our lookout.

Great. Hey, if you see
somebody comin', just snap.
[ Chuckling ]

Seriously, though,
you need to give us
a little whistle.

[ Faint Whistling ]

[ Spits ]
Damn.

[ Earl Narrating ]
In Camden County,
the library was also the museum,

so you could actually
learn stuff there,

instead of just readin' books.

I learned that day the official
bird of Camden was the peacock.

And since it wasn't
nailed down, I took it.

Randy, peacock!

Oh, snap!
Check it out.

Fancy forks and spoons.

Wow, this one's got
holes rotted through it.

Nice.
All cereal, no milk.

Wait!

Now that we got fancy
silverware, I want us to eat
like civilized human beings.

- Join hands.
- Are we gonna dance?

No, dummy.
We're gonna say grace.

Earl, deliver our blessing.

[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, Lord,

uh, thank you for allowing us
to steal such nice silverware.

Uh, we promise
to take good care of it...

as we use it to eat
all your creatures.

- [ All ] Amen.
- [ Man On TV ]
The librarian is on the scene.

[ Gasps ]
Check it out!
Library's on TV.

They broke the beak
clean off of Zucker,
our peacock.

Plus, they stole
the silverware that
belonged to Philip C. Graber.

He was our famous
Civil War general.

The silverware
is worth $2,000.

[ Gasps ]
We're rich!

And it's prominently
marked with a "C."
The police have been alerted.

"C" for "silverware."
That's smart.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So we took the silverware
to Jasper to sell it,

but he had seen that
old lady on the news too.

Sorry. It's too hot.
And I can't give it
to my silver guy...

'cause he got busted
meltin' down a menorah.

They said it was a hate crime,
but he just hated bein' poor.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since the silverware
was too hot for Jasper,

the plan was to sit
on it until things cooled off.

Randy dug the hole too big
'cause he got confused...

and thought
we were burying Jasper.

But all the next day,
I thought about
gettin' a motorcycle.

If those fat twins
from the world records
book could each have one,

I didn't see why I couldn't.

So I came up with a plan.

Gotta poop.

I wrote a ransom note
to the library,
askin' for $2,000,

or I'd kill their silverware.

And to make 'em think
I was a real sicko,

I even cut a nipple
out of a nudie magazine
and used it as a period.

[ Knocking ]
[ Joy ] Earl, you've been
in there 20 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I thought I was done,
and then round two.

I'm just as surprised
as you are.

Just turn the damned fan on.
Okay.

Damn it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I figured my ransom note
would work a lot better...

if I could prove
I had the hostage.

Luckily, I had stolen
a camera the week before.

So I took a picture
of the hostage,

and another one of
two crickets humpin',

and then reburied
the silverware.
[ Shoveling ]

Fortunately for me,
there was an unwritten rule
at the trailer park.

If you see someone
burying somethin' at night,
you don't ask questions.

Lookin' back, I'm surprised
Joy didn't figure out
I was up to somethin'.

Mostly 'cause
I'm a terrible liar.

Why are you so dirty?

- Horse.
- Huh?

Rode a horse.
Horses are dirty.
I got dirty while ridin' it.

What's the big deal?
You don't get to tell me when
I ride a horse and when I don't.

Well, you can go ride
on the couch tonight, Pigpen.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was glad
Joy kicked me out. If I had
stayed in there any longer,

I was afraid the subject
of the silverware would come up,

and that was the last thing
I wanted to talk about.

Earl, listen, I got an idea
about what we can do
with the fancy forks.

Let me guess, Randy.
A fork robot?

No-- Do you know how
to make a fork robot?

And I'm lockin' this door.
I don't want you
sneakin' back in...

and tryin' to put
your dirty hands all over me.

Women.

They sure are loud,
huh, Earl?

Anyway, about the fancy forks--
Enough about the forks.
I need some air.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I dropped off my ransom
note that night...

and Dotty found it
the next morning.

It scared the pee-pee
out of her, which at her age
wasn't a hard thing to do.

So all I had to do was wait
for Dotty to make the drop.

I told her to put two grand
in a Chubby's Barbecue bag...

and leave it in the trash can
outside the old train station.

[ Coughing ]

I had a close call
when Joy drove by,

but that smoker's cough
was better than a cowbell
around her neck.

Dotty was right on time,
as old people and
librarians tend to be.

Lucky for me, she was both.

I was a smart enough criminal
not to go for the money
right away,

just in case
anyone was watchin'.

I forgot to ask Randy what
he was doin' following that guy
with the tight striped pants.

It was at that point
I decided to forget
about the whole scheme.

- [ Siren Blaring ]
- And don't worry, that
homeless guy is on my list.

Especially since
I've seen him around town,
and he's still blue.

And lookin' back on it now,
I realize karma must not
have liked what I did,

'cause it tried to kill me
with an explodin' bush.

Now that Joy's neighbors
had moved away,

I could finally dig up
the silverware and return it
to the library.

There was only one problem.

I don't understand, Randy.
I could swear this is where
we buried the silverware.

[ Randy Narrating ]
There was a reason Earl
couldn't find that silverware,

and I knew what it was.

You know the kind of guy
who likes hangin' out with
his brother watchin' cartoons,

and also likes to touch
things with his tongue?

Well, that's me.
I'm also the kind of guy...

who likes hangin' out
with his brother and
watchin' cartoons.

Oh, wait,
I already said that.

I also hold the Camden County
record for starin' at the sun.

My name is Randy.

My name is Randy.

I could swear we buried
the silverware right here.

Maybe someone from China dug
and got it from the other end.

I just think maybe
I'm off by a few feet.

[ Randy Narrating ]
How did I know Earl wasn't
gonna find that silverware?

I knew because I took it.

You're not gettin' a motorcycle.
You broke your collarbone tryin'
to drive the kids' Big Wheel.

[ Randy Narrating ]
I was bummed that Joy wouldn't
let Earl get a motorcycle,

'cause I always wanted
to ride in a sidecar.

But I was even more bummed
that Earl and Joy were fightin',

because when they fight,
it always gives me a tummy ache.

But after we stole
some fancy silverware
from the library,

everyone started
bein' happy again.

Randy, peacock!
[ Screaming ]

[ Randy Narrating ]
There was nothin' better than
when everyone was gettin' along.

Except for when
I was starin' at a spoon,

and a little tiny upside-down
Randy with a crazy forehead
was starin' back.

But it didn't last.
We couldn't sell the silverware
because it was too famous.

I guess we would've had the same
problem if we stole that Webster
kid from Diff'rent Strokes.

We went from
everybody gettin' along
to nobody talkin',

and that's when my tummy
started to hurtin' again.

- I gotta poop.
- I guess Earl's did too.

Whenever I was alone
with Joy, it made me nervous.
And when I get nervous--

I gotta pee.

After I got away from Joy,
I went to meet up with Darnell
for what I call "idea time."

Nerf sidewalks.
That's what
I'm talkin' about.

That is man
I was telling you about.
That guy stole silverware?

He is not brains
of operation.

Oh. He's muscle.
He's more like butt.

You mean,
if I only had two grand,

I could turn it
into 20 overnight?

Well, I'll see if I can
find new investor.

Hello, friend.
You may have heard me...

speaking to my high-level
business contact in Russia.

Would you be interested
in turning $2,000
into $20,000?

Yeah.
But I don't have $2,000.

Do you have anything
worth that much?

No.
Are you sure?

Maybe some... cutlery?

What's cutlery?

Silverware... of value.
Forks, knives.

I don't even care
if it's stolen.
Hey.

[ Randy Narrating ]
We made plans to meet
later that night.

I couldn't wait to get home
to tell Earl how I met a man...

who sounded like Count Chocula
and looked like Franken Berry.

But the important thing was,
he was gonna make us rich.

I tried to talk to Earl,
but he was distracted
by Joy's yappin'.

Listen to her.
Yappity, yappity, yappity.

Women. They sure
are loud, huh, Earl?
Anyway, about the forks--

Enough about the forks.
I need some air.

I knew somethin' was wrong
with Earl, because I was pretty
sure there was air in here, too.

He left because he was mad,
and so was Joy.

If I ever wanted
my tummy to stop hurtin',

I had to sell the
fancy forks on my own.

So later that night,
I snuck out.

[ Whistles ]

I dug up the silverware
so the businessman could
send it to Russia.

[ Shoveling ]

I wondered who that guy was
sellin' his silverware to.

You got?

This is good.
I worried you no show.
I leave town soon.

Then how am I gonna
get my money?

Oh, right.

Tomorrow,
you meet my associate
at, uh, old train station.

How will I know it's him?

Hmm. Just ask for person
who has "the stuff."

Shh.

[ Randy Narrating ]
So the next morning,

I went to the old train
station to get the money.

Do you have the stuff?

[ Coughing ]

Do you have the stuff?
Get away from me.

I'm just here to do what
the note said, even though
the spelling was atrocious.

Spare some change?
Sorry.

But if you're hungry, I just saw
a lady throw away a Chubby's
bag that looked pretty full.

Thanks, buddy.

Do you have the stuff?
Pardon?

If you have
the stuff, I want it.
Can you give it to me?

You have the stuff, don't you?
Oh, I have got
the stuff, kitten.

Great. Where should we do it?
Well, there's a little
gazebo right over there.

Come on.

[ Man ]
Police! Freeze!

[ Man #2 ]
Don't move!

[ Randy Narrating ]
The stuff he had was the same
as the stuff I already had,

so I got the hell out of there.

The point is,
I never got the money.

And that's how I knew Earl
wouldn't find the silverware.

It's not here, Randy. I'm sure
we buried the silverware
10 paces from the tree.

Well, we were
drinkin' that night.
Did you try 10 drunk paces?

I'll give it a shot.

[ Joy Narrating ]
He might be off
by a couple of feet,

but when he does find that box,
he won't like what's inside.

Idiot.

You know the kind of woman
who could've been
the next Faith Hill,

but somewhere along the way
discovered peach daiquiris,
put her diaphragm in wrong,

and wound up smack dab
in the middle of trailer hell,
raisin' two kids?

Yet she still manages
to look hot, and you could
bounce a quarter off her butt,

'cause you gotta
take care of yourself,
I mean, come on.

Anyway, that's me.
My name is Joy.

My name is Joy.

There were two reasons
I knew Earl wouldn't find
what he was lookin' for.

One, he was wasted.
And two, I got to it first.

We stole some silverware
from the library,
but it was too hot to sell,

so we agreed to let it sit
in the dirt for a few years.

- I gotta poop.
- [ Joy ] But then people
started actin' real weird.

Earl never reads
in the bathroom.

He uses that time
to make the cockroaches race.

Then Randy started
actin' even weirder.

You know, guilty-like,
but tryin' to hide it,

- like that face O.J. made when
he was puttin' on that glove.
- I gotta pee.

Those two dummies were
definitely up to somethin'
behind my back,

and I didn't like it.

And I'm lockin' this door.
I don't want you
sneakin' back in...

and tryin' to put your
dirty hands all over me.

[ Joy Narrating ]
I was gonna make sure I stole
that stolen silverware...

from them before
they stole it from me.

I took the good stuff
and replaced it with
some crap from home.

That way, if those two dummies
tried to sell it behind my back,
they'd be screwed.

[ Rustling ]

[ Door Shuts ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Chuckles ]
Dumb-ass.

[ Joy Narrating ]
Since I couldn't sell the stuff
as is, I decided to melt it.

I figured turnin' silver
into silverware was probably
the hard part,

so turnin' the silverware
back into silver that I could
sell was gonna be easy.

But I was wrong.

- What do you mean,
you can't take it?
- Joy, this town is crawlin'...

with those Civil War
reenactment guys
tryin' to find this stuff,

and the ones from the South
would love nothin' better
than to find it with me.

[ Joy Narrating ]
I was upset Jasper
wouldn't take the silverware.

But I can only stay upset
for so long when my girl
Faith's on the radio.

** [ Country ]

* Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush *

* Baby, isn't that the way *

* That love's supposed to be *

* I can feel you breathe *

* Just breathe **

[ Coughing ]

[ Joy Narrating ]
So I was forced
to rebury the silverware,

but in a different spot,
where Earl and Randy
would never find it.

It was a special place,
because it was the exact spot
I was standing...

when Earl Junior
was conceived.

I can't wait to see their faces
when they dig up that box
and see what's inside.

[ Laughing ]

What's so funny, baby? Did that
lady put her big granny panties
on the clothesline again?

We should go over
and get in them together,

and take a picture
for our Christmas card.

Earl thinks he's gonna
find some silverware
we stole a while back.

But I stole it out
from under him and hid it
by the big rock out back.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I tried meltin' it down,
so it looks all black and gross,

but underneath,
it's pure silver.

It's kinda like my safety net.
I like knowin' it's there,

just in case I ever need to
jump bail and head for Mexico,
or I see a pair of shoes I like.

[ Darnell Narrating ]
I didn't have the nerve
to tell Joy...

that silver wasn't
where she thought it was.

You know the kind of guy
who graduated college at 14,
is a virtuoso cellist,

and can identify
254 varieties of cheese
in a blind taste test,

but can't reveal
any of that because he's in
the Witness Protection Program?

Well, that's me.
Don't tell anyone
I told you this.

My name is--

Well, you better
just call me Crabman.

When Mr. Fish died,
I thought I'd bury him
in a place he would like.

It was a special place,
where I took Joy
on our first date.

I'm sorry
I thought the pepper
was the fish food.

I know that couldn't
have been an easy way to go.

But if it's any consolation,
I put the fish food on my eggs.

It didn't kill me,
though. Sorry.

It looked like it was from
some ancient civilization,
possibly Paleolithic,

though it appeared
to have been struck
with a cylindrical object...

that wouldn't
have been invented
until the Bronze Age.

So I decided to take it
down to the museum.

Thought I'd bring 'em in here,
since you're the expert.

I'm pretty sure
it's just trash.

But we still have some room
in our display case.

[ Darnell Narrating ]
Earl wasn't the only one
who would never find the silver.

Neither would Joy.
That's what they get
for tryin' to screw with me.

[ Darnell Narrating ]
And I sure wasn't gonna be
the one to tell her.

I'd never say it out loud, but--
[ Laughing ]

that bitch is crazy.

I don't know what happened,
but it's not there anymore.

[ Darnell Narrating ]
I felt bad, because I didn't
know what Earl could do...

about the thing on his list.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was only one thing
I could do.

I'd like to make
a donation.

Oh, honey, we don't
sell weed here anymore.

That man got fired.

I know. Tito was a friend
of mine. I wanted to make
an actual cash donation.

You know, to make
the library a better place.

Oh, all righty.
I'll get the shoe box.

Hey, Earl,
check it out.

They found something
that belonged to cavemen
right here in Camden.

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when
I realized why I couldn't
find the buried treasure.

I still, to this day,
don't know how it got there,

but, well, at least
it meant I could cross
number 52 off my list.

[ Dotty Narrating ]
You know the kind of woman who
seems like a quiet librarian,

but when she removes her pencil
and lets her hair fall down,

she looks all wild and sexy?

[ Sighs ]
I wish that was me.

My name is Dotty.