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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,033 You were. I wasn't ! 2 00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,661 - You were ! - I wasn't ! 3 00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:44,072 - You were ! - I bloody well wasn't ! 4 00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:48,714 - You were out, Richie ! - I was NOT out ! 5 00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:51,578 You were ! 6 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,982 Bloody, bloody, bloody wasn't ! 7 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:58,557 Look, the umpire's decision is final. 8 00:00:58,691 --> 00:01:00,818 You weren't even looking the right way ! 9 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:06,023 - I was. - You weren't ! You weren't even on the pitch ! 10 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:09,499 Yeah, but I've got the coat, haven't I ? 11 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:12,196 Edward, you were in the bar. 12 00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:15,466 Yeah, but I was looking out of the window. 13 00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:19,009 It was 200 yards away. How could you tell I was out ? 14 00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:24,344 - Well, Spudgun told me. - Spudgun was captain of the opposite team ! 15 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:29,581 Um, yes... but it was his round and I didn't want to ruffle his feathers. 16 00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:32,748 Look, look, look. I wasn't out. It was a no-ball. 17 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:38,421 Look. Listen to me, right ? I'm English, right ? I invented this game, racially. 18 00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:43,502 Now, when you bowl, you're supposed to walk nicely back to your mark, 19 00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:47,094 get that sort of far-away look on your face, 20 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,403 masturbate enigmatically... 21 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,376 ...you know, for about four or five minutes, 22 00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:58,143 so the cameras can all get you in focus... 23 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,816 Oh ! And then... And then... 24 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:10,191 And then it's time for loppity-loppity-lop, nice and gentle, over the arm. 25 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:14,767 Pop ! Richie gets a six, round of applause, gentlemanly conduct, welcome to the crease. 26 00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:17,131 Everyone thinks I'm great. Right ? 27 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:20,671 Well, that psychotic Welsh bastard, 28 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:25,471 "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones, doesn't want to know anything about that. 29 00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:30,709 He just stands behind the wicket, looks at me and goes, "You ignorant English wanker !" 30 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:33,148 And wangs the ball straight at me ! 31 00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:37,313 Before I had any chance to do any hoovering with the bat. 32 00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:41,450 Next thing I know, I'm lying in a pile of stumps and blood. 33 00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:46,031 That's the last time I step out for the Spud-U-Like Irregulars. 34 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:51,233 - Second eleven. - Yes, all right. I've got a bad leg. 35 00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:54,772 I'm not surprised, the way you polish the ball. 36 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:58,344 We had a tea break waiting for you. 37 00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:02,710 - Did you ? - Hey, never mind. Look on the bright side. 38 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:06,546 We've made a healthy profit of four hats, five jumpers 39 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,086 and three pairs of trousers ! 40 00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:11,952 - Three pairs of trousers ? - Yeah. 41 00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:15,492 Things got a bit racy in the bar afterwards. 42 00:03:15,628 --> 00:03:19,189 - I don't remember that. - No, you were lying unconscious 43 00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:22,267 in the middle of the pitch at the time. 44 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:25,496 That's what started off the merriment, actually. 45 00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:30,166 Even old Ted "Unlucky Suicide" McGloomy had a bit of a laugh. 46 00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:34,076 So much so, his rectum prolapsed. 47 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:36,839 Did it ? 48 00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:39,110 Poomf ! 49 00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:42,312 Well, as long as I can make someone happy. 50 00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:45,322 - Did you check the pockets ? - Is the Pope Jewish ? 51 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:49,618 - No. - Isn't he ? 52 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:53,198 - No. - Oh, well, I checked 'em anyway. 53 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:58,066 - And ? - Well, the recession is biting everywhere. 54 00:03:58,204 --> 00:04:01,571 - Er... Two pound seventeen and six... - Ooh ! 55 00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:04,006 In old money. 56 00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:08,341 A strange voodoo doll of you covered in pins. 57 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:11,678 This is weird ! 58 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,117 Ooh ! 59 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:20,682 And..."Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones's car keys. 60 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:23,091 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 61 00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,527 Ah-ha-ha-HA-ha-ha ! 62 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,997 Ah-ha-ha-ha-HA-ha-ha-ha ! 63 00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:31,160 Ah-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 64 00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:33,772 Ah-ha-ha-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 65 00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:37,865 AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA ! 66 00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:42,740 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking ? - I don't know. 67 00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:47,012 I'm thinking about that weather girl, Susan Charlton, 68 00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:53,149 stripped naked and covered in Marmite, bouncing up and down on a bungee rope. 69 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:58,526 - What are you thinking ? - Er... well... something else, actually. 70 00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:03,227 Not getting that black-haired Gladiator's legs wrapped round your face again ? 71 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:07,135 No, no, no. Haven't thought about that for weeks. 72 00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:11,334 I really must pop upstairs later and have a good think about that. 73 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:15,971 No, I was thinking about that Welsh cricket cheat, "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones ! 74 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,547 Fantasy not your strong suit, is it ? 75 00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,677 Shut up, Eddie ! I've got a plan. 76 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:27,123 We're going to take these keys, right, get inside Taffy O'Bastard's car, 77 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:32,254 and that light by the rear-view mirror ? We're going to switch that on. 78 00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:35,458 Then, when no one's looking, we're going to scarper. 79 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:40,732 And within a couple of weeks, he's probably going to have a pretty flat battery. 80 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:46,206 - Scary darey. - I'm going to do it ! 81 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,746 I'm going to bloody do it ! 82 00:05:48,881 --> 00:05:52,248 - Where's his car ? - He's getting married today. 83 00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:55,513 - Is he ? - That was his stag cricket match. 84 00:05:55,655 --> 00:06:01,890 - That's why we let him use the slingshot. - I see. So are we going to the wedding ? 85 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,794 No. You were only there to be knocked unconscious. 86 00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:09,390 It was a wedding present from the lads ! 87 00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,230 Oh... 88 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,362 Nice. 89 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:18,441 - So, who's he getting married to ? - Well... 90 00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:21,843 - You know Ted Rogers ? - He's not ?! 91 00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:24,848 He's not getting married to Ted Rogers ?! 92 00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:30,854 No. He's getting married to that bird from the abattoir that looks like Ted Rogers. 93 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:36,792 Oh, that's a shame, isn't it ? It'd be nice to be married to Ted Rogers. 94 00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:40,456 - Yeah ! - Yeah. Three-two-one ! 95 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,693 Three-two-one ! 96 00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:47,465 God, I bet he's good in bed. Which church are they getting married in ? 97 00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:51,543 Oh, it's that Welsh one, Saint, erm... Saint... 98 00:06:51,677 --> 00:06:54,908 I know it ! Saint. 99 00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:58,346 That's it ! The one with all the gob on the walls ! 100 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:02,312 Righty-ho, then ! Let's grab our hankies and get down there ! 101 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,389 - Lechy da ! - Dechy iah ! 102 00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:07,623 There it is ! 103 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,990 Did you get the stockings ? 104 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:12,597 - I've got the tights. - What ? 105 00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:16,566 - Well, that's all that was on the line. - Oh. Did you get any knickers ? 106 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:20,399 - No. - Oh, well. We'll run with the tights. 107 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:26,543 I can't see a bloody thing. Where's the car ? 108 00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:31,411 - Probably over there, behind the gusset. - Right. Come on, then, Moriarty. 109 00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:36,113 Let's do it ! Phwoar ! They didn't wash them very well, did they ? 110 00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:40,316 - I think that might be me. - Is it ? Never mind. Come on. 111 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,691 - I'll break in, you keep a look out. - Righto. 112 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:46,697 - No, Eddie, you keep a look out. - All right. 113 00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:49,700 Oh, Jesus ! I think I've got whiplash ! 114 00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:53,101 Oh, it's no good, Eddie. I'll have to drop my disguise. 115 00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:55,639 - Is that wise ? - Well, medically, yes. 116 00:07:55,775 --> 00:08:00,838 My eyes are stinging because of the niff. Come on ! Let's do it ! 117 00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:08,082 Eeny, meeny, miney... 118 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,883 Oh ! Well done, Eddie ! 119 00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:15,354 We did it ! Great ! 120 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,622 Rrrrrrrrmmm ! Rrrrrr ! 121 00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:23,292 Hey, Eddie ! Why don't we park the car round the corner where he can't find it ? 122 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,301 Eh ? 123 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:29,636 - I'm going to bloody do it ! Eddie ? - What ? 124 00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:31,834 How do you actually drive a car ? 125 00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:33,969 Well, you wait until no one's looking, 126 00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:38,413 then you grab the wires from under the dashboard and jam them together. 127 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:41,611 Then you drink another can of Special Brew, 128 00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:45,281 aim it at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator. 129 00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:48,723 Right... I'll stick the key in and see what happens. 130 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,590 Righto. 131 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,838 Look, special offer. 132 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:12,349 - Step on it. I think they've noticed. - But I don't know how to drive ! Shit ! 133 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,476 - Shit ! - Mind that bus ! 134 00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:19,319 This is the life, eh, Eddie ? 135 00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:21,688 This is just like "Thelma and Louise". 136 00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:24,227 Well, we are on the right-hand side of the road. 137 00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:26,854 Yeah... What ?! Bloody hell ! 138 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:33,171 Bastard ! Road hog ! I was driving on that bit ! 139 00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:36,305 Richie, look at this ! 140 00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:42,972 It's a lovers' romanta-saver bargain luxury glamorous weekend break for two ! 141 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:47,313 These must be Taffy O'Jones' honeymoon tickets. 142 00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:49,512 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha ! 143 00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:54,292 - Oh ! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha ! - Ha-HA-ha-ha ! 144 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:59,160 - Where is it ? - The Marvelloso Splendido Hotelo. 145 00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:02,358 Wow ! Where's that ? 146 00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:06,635 - Wolverhampton. - Double wow ! 147 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,366 Hey, Eddie, which way is Wolverhampton ? 148 00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:13,410 - Well, it must be over one of these hills. - Right. Eeny, meeny... 149 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:16,106 - We'll just take the quick route. - Right you are. 150 00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:17,806 Look out ! Hedge ! 151 00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:22,745 Cow ! 152 00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:27,916 - That's a bit rude, isn't it, Richie ? - No, no, it was ! It was a cow ! 153 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:29,755 Oh ! 154 00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:32,625 What are those two big hairy things ? 155 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:36,462 - Oh, that's a pair of bullocks. - Is it ? 156 00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:39,400 Put your trousers back on ! 157 00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:47,674 Wow ! Marvelloso ! 158 00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:57,353 Splendido ! 159 00:10:58,524 --> 00:11:01,459 All right, Mrs O'Jones ? 160 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:05,587 - All right, Mr O'Jones ? - Let's have some fun. 161 00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:09,167 Yeah, see how much of a bill we can work up. 162 00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:13,635 That'll teach that Welsh bastard ! Let's go. 163 00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:16,105 - Ooh, Eddie ! Eddie ! - What ? What ? 164 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:19,734 - Your jugs are on the wrong way round. - What ?! 165 00:11:23,082 --> 00:11:27,451 It said "lifts and separates", not "slings 'em round the back" ! 166 00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:32,319 I mean, they're absolute crackers, Eddie. They're just back to front ! 167 00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:35,757 - Well... - Well, just act naturally. 168 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:43,664 - Ah, you must be the happy couple. - Pass ! 169 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:45,566 - N-No... Yes. - Yes ? 170 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,471 - Yes. Correct. - Which one of you is Mrs O'Jones ? 171 00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:54,070 That'll be me. 172 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,807 There are some flowers here for you. 173 00:11:56,949 --> 00:12:02,581 Hang on ! What do you take me for ? Some sort of baggy-trousered ballet enthusiast ?! 174 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:06,283 - Get me a Scotch and a copy of "Men Only" ! - Edwina ! 175 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:08,985 I may be a bird, but I'm handy with me dukes ! 176 00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:13,360 Leave him alone ! I'm sorry. She had too much vodka in church. 177 00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:17,162 Don't worry, I'll give her a good kicking once we get upstairs. 178 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:20,932 Right. The bridal suite is ready for you. 179 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,906 The what ? 180 00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:28,343 - Well, you're in the bridal suite. - No, no. No. 181 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,278 No. No, no, no, no. 182 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,180 No, no. N-O, no, no, no. 183 00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:36,152 No, we'd rather have two single rooms. 184 00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:39,121 Oh, dear ! Things not going swimmingly ? 185 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,352 Never mind, most couples are nervous at this stage. 186 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:46,454 No, I do not want to stay in the same room as her. 187 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,430 Him. It ! 188 00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:51,593 Well, we have no single rooms available. 189 00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:54,433 Yeah, but what if I want to have a wan... ? 190 00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,874 A... A wangle... 191 00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,140 It's a medieval folk dance. 192 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:07,309 What if I want a medieval folk dance in the night ? 193 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:12,447 - I'm afraid the bridal suite is all we have. - Ooh, he's testing my nerves ! 194 00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:15,560 - What sort of a hotel is this ? - A full one. 195 00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:19,494 - Yeah. Good answer. - Yeah, well done. 196 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:25,093 Well, all right, then, Eddie... Eddie-wina... You'll just have to sleep on the sofa. 197 00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:31,870 On my honeymoon ! Sleep on the sofa on my honeymoon ?! 198 00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:36,112 My mother warned me about you, you bastard ! 199 00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:39,376 You brute ! You gadabout ! 200 00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:43,511 Oh, how I've suffered in the name of love ! 201 00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:47,157 Only women bleed ! 202 00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,625 I think I'd dispute that, actually, Eddie. 203 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:53,163 - Well, do you want some more ? - All right ! I've had plenty ! 204 00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:56,791 - You can have the bed, darling. - Why, thank you, tulip. 205 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,461 - And, daffodil ? - Yes, carnation ? 206 00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:01,436 Get this ! 207 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:05,066 Whoa ! Oh, me bollo... ! 208 00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:08,339 I mean, me girl's bits ! 209 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,710 I mean, me nothings at all. 210 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:15,753 In fact, thank goodness I am a girl, otherwise that would have really hurt ! 211 00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:19,256 I think I'm gonna pass out. 212 00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:21,723 Yep. I was right. 213 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,165 She only got married this morning. 214 00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:30,757 She's still a little on the shy... unconscious side. 215 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:35,863 Come along, darling ! Let's slap on a condom and get on with it ! 216 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:37,873 - What time's dinner ? - Seven o'clock. 217 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:43,243 Seven o'... But that's 20 minutes away ! God, I'm going to have to do it four times ! 218 00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:46,979 Yo-heave-ho ! 219 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,858 - Your bags, sir. - What ? Are they showing ? 220 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:55,688 Oh ! 221 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,921 Ah, see what you mean. Yes... 222 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,930 Jolly good place to put them. Excellent, yes. 223 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,364 Wha... ?! Sod off ! 224 00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:06,767 You earn more money than I do ! Give me some of yours ! 225 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,931 Complete bastard ! 226 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,879 Mmm... 227 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:19,874 Looks like an opportunity for a little medieval folk dance in the bathroom. 228 00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:24,388 Oh... 229 00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,821 Hello. 230 00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:31,419 You're one of those sort of servant girls, aren't you ? 231 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:35,158 If I may say, that's a smashing blouse you have on. 232 00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:39,670 I've just brought your complimentary honeymoon biscuits. 233 00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:44,105 Oh, you raven-haired temptress from below stairs. 234 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:49,442 Ha ! I expect you're rather nervous to meet me, aren't you ? 235 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,607 - Don't be nervous. - I'm not. 236 00:15:52,751 --> 00:15:56,118 Oh ! A spirited filly. Ha ! 237 00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,214 And good teeth, too. Yes. Yes, fine stock. 238 00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:03,886 - Mmm ! Firm ! - Do you mind ?! 239 00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,998 It's interesting, this relationship, isn't it ? 240 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:14,265 - Interesting in what way ? - Well, in that you're the servant girl... 241 00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:16,897 and I'm the master. 242 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:21,537 And you have to do everything I say ! 243 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:26,640 I was wondering if you wanted me to turn your bed down ? 244 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:34,354 - What do you mean ? - Some guests like the sheets pulled down. 245 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:37,155 Do they ? 246 00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,321 Yes ! 247 00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:45,529 Yes, and get down on all fours and scrub out the fireplace so your bum wobbles about. 248 00:16:46,538 --> 00:16:49,166 Oh, and while we're on the subject, 249 00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:53,836 I wonder if you could show me how to use the shower ? 250 00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,509 Well, um... 251 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,924 You just turn these taps on here. 252 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:12,053 No, no. I mean, I wonder if you could properly show me how to use it. 253 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,826 You know, get your kit off... 254 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:21,429 and get all sort of soapy and let rivulets of water run between your heaving breasts. 255 00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:24,133 I thought you just got married this morning ? 256 00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:26,938 Well, yes, but my wife doesn't understand me. 257 00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:31,606 I think you'll find I understand you only too well ! 258 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,345 Edwina ! This is not what it seems ! 259 00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:37,148 You were trying to pork her ! 260 00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:40,850 No ! I simply don't understand how the shower works. 261 00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,621 He WAS trying to pork me. 262 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:46,322 Of course he was, my dear. Men ! 263 00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:48,626 P'shaw ! 264 00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:53,466 They're only ever after one thing ! Sexist bastards ! 265 00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:58,471 Us birds should stick together. 266 00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,508 Maybe in the nude. 267 00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:05,708 Tell me, my dear... 268 00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:09,753 are you at all interested in the pleasures of Sappho ? 269 00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:15,656 Perhaps you'd like to come on a winter wonderland cruise to the Isle of Lesbos ? 270 00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:20,291 You're worse than your husband ! 271 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:29,839 I tell you what, if anyone else kicks me in the knackers, 272 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:33,240 this charade is going to be difficult to sustain. 273 00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:37,337 They're getting pretty hard to conceal. They must be this big ! 274 00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,849 Yes, all right, Eddie. Shut up. 275 00:18:39,985 --> 00:18:42,510 - Act posh or we'll get found out. - Right. 276 00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:51,560 - Can I help you, sir ? - Not just now, thanks. 277 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,926 Good evening, madam. 278 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:59,231 - Do I know you ? - Do you have a reservation ? 279 00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:03,740 Yeah, I'm not sure we're going to get away with this. 280 00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:08,502 - Would madam like to come through ? - How dare you ?! 281 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,714 Mon dieu ! Qu'est-ce qu'il se passe ? 282 00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:17,378 Eddie ! I mean, Edwina ! Don't bop the waiters. 283 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,684 - This is a posh gaff. - Sexist bastards ! 284 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:25,227 My wife doesn't speak French, but Je do. 285 00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:28,993 Jacques Delors, Tour de France... 286 00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:33,036 - Garlic suppository... - Coq-au-vin. 287 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:37,700 Edwina ! Don't be so foul ! I'm sorry. She just got married. She's still frisky. 288 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,107 You'd understand. You're a frog ! 289 00:19:40,245 --> 00:19:43,806 Now, where is Je's table for Je and Je's missus ? 290 00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:46,577 Would you care to walk this way ? 291 00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:51,752 - I'd rather not. - Well, I'm afraid I have to. 292 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:57,955 These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting, severe side. 293 00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:00,860 Don't worry, Eddie. You can take them off... later. 294 00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:05,959 Or maybe I'll rip them off with my teeth... Oh, no ! It's not a girl, it's Eddie ! 295 00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:08,572 It's not a girl, it's Eddie... 296 00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:11,835 Oh, God, I hope I don't get drunk ! 297 00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:15,811 - Here we are. - Yeah, well, I can see that. 298 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:22,412 Oi ! Careful of me jugs. Don't pop 'em ! 299 00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:30,356 - Would you like to see the menu ? - Yeah, I'll be too pissed to read soon. 300 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:33,555 Oh, yes. This is a very poncey menu. 301 00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:36,600 Yes. Very poncey. It's all in French. Yes. 302 00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,465 Don't understand a word of it. Yes. Marvellous. 303 00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:43,837 - What do you recommend ? - The chef does a very good red mullet. 304 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,740 Oh, really ? He does a very good Leonard Rossiter. 305 00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:50,314 - Oh, well... - Go on ! Go on ! 306 00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:52,542 Oh, all right. It is brilliant. 307 00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:55,448 Right ! Shut up, everybody ! All of you, shut up ! 308 00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:59,455 You, you, shut it ! Now. All right ? 309 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:04,085 I'm only doing this once, 'cause when I get started, I never stop ! 310 00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:07,164 Because I am bonkers, right ? 311 00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:10,598 OK ! Here goes. Leonard Rossiter. 312 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,897 Oh, Miss Jones ! 313 00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:16,405 Oh, Miss Jones ! 314 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:20,610 - Well, that was incredible. - Thank you. 315 00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:24,113 I've never seen anyone clear a restaurant so quickly. 316 00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:29,687 - What ? - So, what would you like, madam ? Entr�e ? 317 00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:34,554 What do you mean ? Here in the restaurant ? 318 00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,890 I'd rather not. We'll just have a main course ! 319 00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:39,327 Oh, come on ! That's enough of all the bollocks ! 320 00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:41,989 Look, Audrey, man to man... 321 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,432 Well, bird to man, obviously... 322 00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:47,470 We just want two plates of top-class swanky nosh. 323 00:21:47,606 --> 00:21:51,542 Le top le class le swanky le noshy. Compredy-nony-nony ? 324 00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:54,908 Ooh ! And I'll have a large Scotch. 325 00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:58,346 - A double ? - No, half a pint. 326 00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:03,379 - And for the gentleman ? - Ooh, well, diddly-diddly-do, er... 327 00:22:03,522 --> 00:22:06,320 What is a top-class swanky tipple ? 328 00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:11,361 - Depends where you come from, sir. - Oh. Well, I come from Hammersmith. 329 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:15,990 - Half of mild. - Ooh, yes. Yes, that'd be lovely. 330 00:22:16,134 --> 00:22:18,432 - And bung an umbrella in it. - Very well. 331 00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:24,531 - Would you like to see the wine list ? - Um... I think we'll just have one of each. 332 00:22:24,676 --> 00:22:28,043 Very well. One red, one white. 333 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:31,149 - No, no. One of each number. - Certainly, sir. 334 00:22:31,283 --> 00:22:33,945 And now... bugger off again ! 335 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:41,884 Hey ! And, Audrey... no dribbling in the gravy. We know what you French are like. 336 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:46,760 Yeah ! And no hollowing out the fish fingers and poking dog shit in. 337 00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,697 'Cause you get me every time with that. 338 00:22:52,838 --> 00:22:55,136 I certainly do ! 339 00:22:56,341 --> 00:23:01,108 Very good, sir. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm getting a hernia... 340 00:23:01,246 --> 00:23:03,714 with laughing so much. 341 00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:08,286 Oh, yes. We are pretty crazy guys ! You have to watch it around us two. 342 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:12,186 - Well, except that I'm a bird. - Oh, yes. He's a bir... 343 00:23:12,324 --> 00:23:15,259 - Oh, he's gone. Charming man. - Lovely. 344 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:19,023 I mean, it's marvellous service. Hey, do you think you're on ? 345 00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:25,034 It's hard to tell. This bra is so tight, it's cut off the circulation to my head. 346 00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:29,698 - The half pink of whisky is for... - Me, thank you. 347 00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:34,608 And the brown shit with Fairy Liquid on top is for monsieur. 348 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:37,909 Great ! I'll have another three of those, thank you. 349 00:23:38,049 --> 00:23:42,145 Oh, I think this could be a very entertaining evening. 350 00:23:54,666 --> 00:23:58,625 Hey, it's no wonder us birds wear high heels, is it ? 351 00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:03,173 I mean, these urinals are a bit on the high side, aren't they ? 352 00:24:03,308 --> 00:24:06,072 Hey ! You're a proper bird, aren't you ? 353 00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:10,477 I'll just finish, then we'll have a bunk-up in a cubicle, all right ? 354 00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:12,776 I beg your pardon ! 355 00:24:12,918 --> 00:24:17,014 Look, it's all right. My husband doesn't understand me. 356 00:24:17,155 --> 00:24:21,148 - Why not ? - I'm too pissed to talk most of the time. 357 00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:25,389 Come on. It'll be all right. I'm a lesbian, you know. 358 00:24:29,868 --> 00:24:33,099 Yes, we used the A40 most of the way. 359 00:24:33,238 --> 00:24:35,934 Had awful trouble getting over the River Severn. 360 00:24:36,074 --> 00:24:39,168 We used a bridge in the end. Yes. 361 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,109 Hmm ? I don't know what kind of car it is. 362 00:24:42,247 --> 00:24:45,978 It's the orange one with the blood splattered up the side 363 00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:48,711 and the dead cow in the boot. 364 00:24:48,854 --> 00:24:51,254 You could've had a few chops ! 365 00:24:51,389 --> 00:24:53,516 Not at all ! Not at all ! 366 00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:58,891 Yes, I suppose I am a bit of a great bloke, really, aren't I ? Yes... 367 00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:02,897 That was a nice chat. 368 00:25:03,034 --> 00:25:05,594 Shame I haven't got someone real to talk to. 369 00:25:05,737 --> 00:25:07,762 Rich ! Rich ! 370 00:25:07,906 --> 00:25:11,273 Oh, excuse me, Sir Robert. She who must be obeyed beckoneth. 371 00:25:11,409 --> 00:25:16,574 What ? Well, come down and shoot MY grouse some time. Yes, his name's Keith ! 372 00:25:17,616 --> 00:25:20,551 - Rich ! - Coming, fruit salad ! 373 00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:25,881 - It's happened again, Rich ! - Oh, no ! 374 00:25:26,057 --> 00:25:32,826 Let me give you a tip. If you're pretending to be a lesbian, keep your tackle hidden. 375 00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:37,630 Bonsoir. Would the lovely, brand-spanking new bride - 376 00:25:37,769 --> 00:25:42,069 a sad loss to us hot-blooded men - like a drinky-winky on ze house ? 377 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:45,608 - Do you mind ?! - Shut up, Rich ! 378 00:25:47,245 --> 00:25:50,510 Why, that's very kind of you. Thank you. 379 00:25:50,649 --> 00:25:53,311 - I'll have a pint of mild. - A pint of mild. 380 00:25:53,451 --> 00:25:56,352 - Yeah, make it a double ! - A double ! 381 00:25:56,488 --> 00:26:00,151 What a cracking pair of buns you've got there ! 382 00:26:00,292 --> 00:26:04,956 I bet you can pull more than pints, eh ? Eh ? Eh ? Eh ? 383 00:26:05,096 --> 00:26:10,898 Come on, let's run away together to a brewery far from the rat race ! 384 00:26:14,205 --> 00:26:16,435 Edwina ? 385 00:26:18,009 --> 00:26:20,068 Edwina ! 386 00:26:22,647 --> 00:26:25,844 Eddie ! Stop talking to that man ! 387 00:26:25,984 --> 00:26:31,581 - He's just trying to get inside your pants ! - He'll have a job, mate ! The expansion. 388 00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:35,420 - The elastic's on critical. - Right, that's it ! Time for bed ! 389 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:39,519 Bugger off ! I think I'm on here ! 390 00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:43,156 Look ! I don't want to cause a scene, darling, 391 00:26:43,301 --> 00:26:45,792 but we are married, and you do what I say ! 392 00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:50,465 Oh, you lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely... 393 00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,839 barman ! 394 00:26:52,978 --> 00:26:55,071 Come on ! Let's have another five pints ! 395 00:26:55,213 --> 00:26:57,238 Yeah ! Five pints ! 396 00:27:01,987 --> 00:27:07,823 Right ! That is it ! We've only been married 12 hours and look at you, you trollop ! 397 00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:10,223 Openly flirting with the barman ! 398 00:27:10,362 --> 00:27:14,423 Everybody's looking at us ! Everybody knows we're newly-weds ! 399 00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:19,265 Right ! That's it ! I'm taking my belt to you, you trollop ! 400 00:27:19,404 --> 00:27:21,736 Wait for me. 401 00:27:24,109 --> 00:27:27,636 Ooh-la-la ! Such a big girl, eh ! 402 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:31,543 - Careful, don't pop 'em ! - Get your hands off my wife ! 403 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:35,984 - I was picking her up ! - Listen ! He openly admits it ! 404 00:27:36,121 --> 00:27:41,616 All right, that's it ! Come on ! Put up your dukes, you foul French... letter ! 405 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:45,252 Look ! It's Ted Rogers in a dress ! 406 00:27:45,397 --> 00:27:50,096 Don't try that old "Look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress" routine on me, buster. 407 00:27:50,235 --> 00:27:53,102 Come here and get some old-fashioned British violence ! 408 00:27:53,238 --> 00:27:58,073 But it is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress... with a seven-foot Neanderthal figure ! 409 00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:00,609 That's not Ted Rogers ! 410 00:28:00,745 --> 00:28:05,375 That's that bird from the abattoir that's marrying "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones ! 411 00:28:06,217 --> 00:28:08,879 "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones ! 412 00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:12,581 That's right, you ignorant English wankers ! 34565

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