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1
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Land of hope and glory
2
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Something, something else
3
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Land of hope and glor... glor...
4
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:55,981
...glory
That is where I live !
5
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Land of hope and glory...
6
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:02,226
- Morning !
7
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:08,365
What a lovely day ! God, I love Sundays !
8
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Sunday papers, a stroll in the park,
9
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:15,399
church, and back home for a nice
big joint of good old English beef.
10
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,806
Strawberries and cream, a spot of tennis,
11
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:21,209
and a smile in the heart
of every true Englishman !
12
00:01:21,347 --> 00:01:24,714
Morning, vicar. Lovely day !...Charming !
13
00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,317
Somebody got out of bed
the wrong side this morning !
14
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,753
He got out of the WOMB the wrong side !
15
00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:34,883
The same to you with brass knobs on,
you steaming great twat !
16
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:40,523
I feel great ! The English summertime !
Gets you right there, doesn't it, Eddie ?
17
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,029
Eddie ?
18
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:46,161
Eddie ? Have you ever seen
such glorious sunshine ?
19
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:49,139
Close the curtain. I'm trying to watch TV.
20
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:54,042
Don't be like that. We should be
out there playing cricket !
21
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:57,946
Come on. It's Sunday. It's a day of rest !
22
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,245
Absolutely nothing to do for 24 hours !
23
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:03,287
It's a bit like every other day, then.
24
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:08,383
Come on, Eddie. We can't sit around
watching videos all day.
25
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:10,428
The bluebirds are singing...
26
00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:13,396
Close the curtain. This is the exciting bit !
27
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,258
- NOW !
- Right. OK.
28
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:32,308
- Well, this is great, isn't it
- Yes. It's just dandy.
29
00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:36,120
I cooked you a breakfast.
30
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:40,352
I can't find it now ! I'll have to get the torch out.
31
00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:46,095
Breakfast !
32
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:49,599
- Where are you, breakfast ?
- What is it ?
33
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,000
It's your favourite. I cooked you your...
34
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:53,605
Da-da-da...
35
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,039
...Sunday fish finger !
36
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,577
I don't like fish fingers.
37
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:02,806
You don't, do you ? I make
that mistake every Sunday !
38
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:06,180
Never mind. I'll eat yours for you.
39
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:08,446
Mmm !
40
00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,856
Who's that anyway ?
41
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:20,693
That's Mother Bear.
42
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:24,462
I thought she was... I thought she was dead.
43
00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:30,509
No, that's Mr Rabbit. He's not dead.
He's just asleep in the dingly dell.
44
00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:35,637
That's how he's missed his birthday tea
and why they're all out looking for him.
45
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,985
It's not very sexy, is it ?
46
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:48,322
No. I must say, I expected a lot more
from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
47
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:58,194
I think this is for kids, Eddie !
48
00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:02,968
I think those Hussein brothers saw
you coming again ! What else did you get ?
49
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,906
"Big Jugs" !
50
00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:09,446
- Ha, ha, ha !
- "Big Jugs" ! All right !
51
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:12,244
"A history of pottery in the 19th century" !
52
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,956
- Anything else ?
- This one's a sure buy.
53
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,858
"Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam" !
54
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,294
Yabba-dabba-doo !
55
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:28,696
It's "Swedish Legends
in Blackcurrant Jam-making" !
56
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:32,293
It must be dirty. It says "Swedish" !
57
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,840
What a disaster ! That's my Sunday ruined !
58
00:04:37,977 --> 00:04:40,912
I spent an hour choosing them. What a swizz !
59
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:47,215
Let's stick with "The Furry Honeypot
Adventure". It might perk up in a minute.
60
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,949
There's that rabbit again.
61
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,217
We should be on for a bit of action.
62
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:56,351
He's a rabbit, for Christ's sake !
63
00:04:56,496 --> 00:05:01,433
There he goes into the house,
and there's Mrs Bear !
64
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:06,800
Go on, my son ! He's creeping up
behind her. He's gonna surprise her.
65
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:12,040
And here come all the little baby bears.
66
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:17,115
They're all singing "Happy Birthday"
and having a bit of a dance.
67
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:22,215
It's not gonna get very dirty, is it ?
68
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:28,021
No. You can sort of tell that,
can't you, by the way it says, "The End" ?!
69
00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:31,755
I'm bloody sick, I don't mind telling you !
70
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,991
I'm glad they weren't dirty.
71
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:38,900
As a Christian, I couldn't look myself
in the face whilst watching a dirty video.
72
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:43,668
It's Sunday, for Christ's sake...
for heaven's... for goodness' sake !
73
00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,176
Are the masses all in church ?
74
00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:51,443
No, they're in the vid shop,
looking for "Pervy Nights in Bangkok" !
75
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:54,951
There's plenty of wailing going on,
but it's not happening in church !
76
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,648
When did you last go to church ?
77
00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:00,884
I don't have to go. I'm Church of England.
78
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,358
What are you ?
79
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:05,623
- I don't know.
- What was your mother ?
80
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,995
A wrestler.
81
00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:11,996
That's enough general knowledge for one day.
82
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,396
- Go away !
83
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,940
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Mr Harrison, hello.
84
00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:20,603
Sorry about the rent.
The Krugerrand's just crashed,
85
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:25,707
and we can't get the junk bonds
out of Liechtenstein yet.
86
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:28,252
- That was a close one !
87
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,290
- This is intolerable !
- I'm not here for the rent !
88
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:35,121
Great ! Sit down. Eddie, a cup of tea !
89
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:37,957
Yes, please !
90
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,031
I'm in a dreadful fix.
91
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:43,897
I forgot about my stupid mother's
bloody funeral !
92
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:48,530
- Is she dead ?
- Hope so. Bloody coffin cost me 200 quid.
93
00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:51,643
Cow ! I've got to go.
Can you run the shop for me ?
94
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:55,805
I have to confess to being
frankly really rather shocked.
95
00:06:55,948 --> 00:07:01,386
Me run a shop ?! On a Sunday
of all things ? Absolutely not !
96
00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:04,649
- 50 quid.
- You're on.
97
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:08,192
- I'll show you the ropes.
- I don't do lifting.
98
00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:11,819
- Show him the ropes. Show me the till.
- No, no, no !
99
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,161
Show me the drinks cabinet
and the sign that says "Closed" !
100
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:19,961
I don't know why they don't
just stick 'em in a bin !
101
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:24,065
Have you got a white coat so that
everyone knows I'm the shopkeeper ?
102
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:27,509
Yeah. Here you are,
and here's one for you, Eddie.
103
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:32,050
No, no ! Haven't you got a brown one for him ?
104
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:36,246
- Of course I haven't !
- Or a badge that says "Assistant" ?
105
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,879
What are you talking about ?
106
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,083
- I'm in a hurry !
- All right.
107
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,252
Put your jacket on back to front or something.
108
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,057
Piss off !
109
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:51,694
Don't kick up a stink. There is
an upstairs-downstairs thing to shopping
110
00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,829
which the shopper
needs to feel reassured about.
111
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,964
All right.
112
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,776
There ! Now everybody knows who everybody is !
113
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:03,370
Everybody happy now ?
There's �30 in change in the till.
114
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:06,212
Just sign there. I'd better be off.
115
00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:10,618
�200 for a coffin,
then they set fire to the bastard !
116
00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:14,783
- This is a bit of all right !
- Yeah. Shame there's no videos.
117
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:19,829
It's a very dignified thing being a shopkeeper.
118
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:24,665
There's power, integrity, snazzy coat...
119
00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:29,169
Yeah...
120
00:08:29,308 --> 00:08:31,276
Yeah...
121
00:08:31,410 --> 00:08:34,208
Morning. Morning.
122
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:37,344
Morning, your Lordship.
123
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:42,079
Yes, plenty of gravy mix.
You help yourself. I'll put it on the slate.
124
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:47,618
Oi ! What do you think you're doing ?
125
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,024
Shoplifting, eh, sonny ?
126
00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:53,188
Eh ? Eh ? EH ?
127
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,998
Haven't you got enough money ?
So you thought you'd take it out on me
128
00:08:58,137 --> 00:09:01,800
just because I earn so much money !
129
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,036
Spurt ! Spurt ! Spurt !
130
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:11,049
Only kidding, little kiddy !
Take your Jaffa Cakes and run along !
131
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:12,844
Off you go.
132
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:16,978
Oh, God, why did you make me so nice ?
133
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,921
Has he gone ? Right.
134
00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:25,864
I want to report a theft. It was
little Johnny Cartwright from the flats.
135
00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:28,330
Nail the sucker. Bust his ass !
136
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:31,561
I want him doing twenty to ten in the pen !
137
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:35,663
What do you mean no evidence ? What
about the goddamn Jaffa Cakes, asswipe ?
138
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:39,266
Yeah ? Bullshit ! Bullshit !
139
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,813
I'm gonna get Mayor Dooley to...
140
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:46,646
What's the matter ? Are you mad ?
141
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:52,254
Do you want some of this ? Do you ?
'Cause you're gonna get it, you old git !
142
00:09:52,391 --> 00:09:56,293
You're gonna get this right in your face !
143
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,021
That's right - run !
144
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:01,793
Just like you did at Goose Green, Argie !
145
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,762
Morning.
146
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,107
British shopkeeping, Eddie. Best in the world !
147
00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:15,179
Yes, yes...
148
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,849
Tuna. Good.
149
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:22,978
We're a nation of shopkeepers,
you know. Oh, yes.
150
00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:27,219
That's what makes us so great.
151
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,558
They don't call it
"Great Luxembourg" or "Great France".
152
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,756
What's so great about a nation of shopkeepers ?
153
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,766
What's so great about a nation of shopkeepers ?
154
00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:38,961
Yeah. What's so great about it ?
155
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:43,906
It makes us superior because
we know how to run a corner shop !
156
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:46,375
It only takes an ounce
of brain power to see that !
157
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,673
Suits you perfectly, then.
158
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:52,646
I don't understand that.
159
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:58,583
The whole cast of "Brookside" are lesbians !
160
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,284
British journalism, Eddie. Best in the world !
161
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:04,157
Bloody Nora !
162
00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:09,256
Neil Kinnock's grandparents
were homosexual Martians !
163
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:15,230
Lucky I read that. I was gonna vote Labour !
164
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:17,604
Another great British scoop.
165
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:21,804
The "Amsterdam Evening News"
couldn't dig up something like that. Frogs !
166
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,040
Hell's teeth !
167
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,777
You can get Aids from bicycling !
168
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:32,084
I know. Isn't it funny that
you only read that in a British newspaper ?
169
00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:36,317
Well, you don't read French or Italian papers.
170
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:39,260
Well, I don't speak French or Italian !
171
00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:42,458
Hold together a cogent
argument, why don't you ?
172
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:46,503
Here we go. Holidays in the Algarve
173
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,504
Look at this !
174
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:52,133
No electricity, no running water,
and 1500 quid a month.
175
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:56,874
People pay for this !
South of France We bloody invented it.
176
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:59,985
George III was the one.
All that swimming business.
177
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,418
And the windbreak.
Who invented that ? The Brits !
178
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,786
Never mind covering yourself in Mazola
179
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:08,917
and lying around with string up your crack.
180
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,621
No, quick dip in the briny, dig up a lugworm,
181
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:15,359
and in the car before you get pneumonia.
That's good enough for me.
182
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:20,871
Look at this ! 38 quid, return
coach trip to Nice. Nude beach !
183
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:24,305
Excuse me.
I didn't get my paper this morning.
184
00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:29,204
So ? It's not my problem.
You should be more careful.
185
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,646
It wasn't delivered.
186
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:35,515
I get it. Trying to get a free paper, are we ?
187
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:39,852
Spend all morning doing that
and you could open up a paper shop !
188
00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:44,895
I don't know what your game is,
but I didn't get my paper delivered.
189
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:48,090
I have the "Mail on Sunday",
so if I could take one, please...
190
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,566
- That's the last copy.
- OK.
191
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:53,467
- I'm reading that !
- Yeah, but it's mine.
192
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,404
- It's got my name on it.
- That's your name ?
193
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:58,305
55p
194
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,674
Mr 55p !
195
00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:05,944
No, my name is Cooper.
It's written in biro in the corner.
196
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,045
All right, Mr Cooper.
197
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:13,090
- There's your paper. Good morning !
- Where's the rest of it ?
198
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:15,250
What do you mean, "Where's the rest of it" ?
199
00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:20,457
- I want the rest of my paper.
- Then, ask for it nicely !
200
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,068
- See ya, Eddie.
- Yeah, bye, John.
201
00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:34,746
Thug !
202
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,644
British thugs, Richie. Best in the world !
203
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:42,920
Damn ! We need the particulars
for that nudey beach trip !
204
00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:46,218
Well, there is a nudey beach
in Brighton, you know.
205
00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:51,660
It's �12.69 exactly on the InterCity Saver,
and the nipples are bigger.
206
00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:53,196
It's the cold wind.
207
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,928
They've got telescopes that you put
20 pence in. It's very discreet !
208
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:02,370
Let's go ! No, we've got to run the shop.
209
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,237
That's what makes us British, you see ?
210
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,903
The average Frog would be
polishing up his zoom lens
211
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,811
and sticking garlic up his bum. Not us !
212
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:15,717
- Well, not you, maybe.
- Stand firm ! Where were you at Agincourt ?
213
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:20,083
I stayed on the bus, remember,
with Ethel Cardew.
214
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:22,057
I wasn't talking about that.
215
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:25,527
- That's why you don't like France !
- I don't want to hear this.
216
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:30,067
You don't like France
'cause you've only ever had one bird,
217
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:35,799
and I shagged her on the Christmas
Club coach trip to Bruges !
218
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:39,672
- Eddie, she was my fianc�e.
- Well, she didn't know that.
219
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:45,273
I was going to propose to her,
but I wanted to make it romantic.
220
00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:49,911
That's why I took her on a cultural tour
of the battlefields of the Low Countries.
221
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,353
- But I decided to come along.
- Yes.
222
00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:54,789
I showed her the low countries, all right
223
00:14:54,927 --> 00:15:00,422
I showed her the nether regions !
They came at Bruges, they came at Agincourt !
224
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,864
Talk about "The Battle of the Bulge" !
225
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,129
I shouldn't have been car sick over her.
226
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:09,469
- It's all go, isn't it ?
227
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:13,669
Good morning to you, sir. How may
I assist you on this merry day ?
228
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:17,873
Good morning. Now, assistant,
what I'd like this fine morning...
229
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,985
Excuse me. Hang on.
230
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,986
Let's get one thing clear, shall we ?
231
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,749
I am not an assistant.
232
00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:27,484
- I am a shopkeeper.
- Is there a difference ?
233
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:31,118
I've got a white coat on,
he's got a jacket on back to front !
234
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:35,632
That's just the tip of the iceberg,
so show a bit of respect !
235
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,670
- What would you like ?
- The champagne, please.
236
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:45,071
- Are you 18 ?
- No, I'm 54.
237
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:49,373
- Three bottles.
- Are you an alcoholic ?
238
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:54,282
- It's my daughter's birthday !
- He's going to drink all this champagne !
239
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:57,355
There's modern parenthood for you !
240
00:15:57,489 --> 00:15:59,457
What are you doing with that ?
241
00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:01,354
This is a chequebook.
242
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:04,087
This card only guarantees you for �50,
243
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:09,997
and I'm afraid these items cost
more than �50, so you'll have to...
244
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:12,801
A cheque will do nicely.
245
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:17,898
- Make it out to "Eddie Hitler".
- Hitler ! Any relation ?
246
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,908
Yes.
247
00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:25,741
So this is you, is it ?
This sort of squiggle is you ?
248
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,943
A modern artist, are you
249
00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:29,679
I am a doctor.
250
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,188
Now bugger orf !
251
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:36,624
That's witty Took you five years
at medical school to learn that, did it ?
252
00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:39,959
On my money, let's not forget !
Bloody students !
253
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:44,729
Why don't you just go and live
in Russia ? Get out of my shop !
254
00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:48,567
Bugger out of it ! On your bicycle !
255
00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:52,973
Good grief, Eddie. Sometimes,
I think there's only you and me left !
256
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,704
Eddie.
257
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,314
Eddie ?
258
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,416
Eddie !
259
00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:03,620
Eddie, what do you think you're doing ?
260
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:08,159
- I am going to watch some cricket.
- What about the shop ?
261
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:12,252
I've had it with that
shop assistant lark. I resign !
262
00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:15,895
You won't get any money, you know !
263
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:19,061
I've already got a cheque for 53 quid.
264
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,138
- You bastard !
- Yep, that's me.
265
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:24,003
You're not going to get
away with this, you miner !
266
00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:28,773
This is Britain ! You're not allowed
to go on strike any more.
267
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:33,613
It's illegal ! And don't forget, I'm a mason !
268
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,819
I've only got to nod to Scotland Yard
269
00:17:37,956 --> 00:17:41,255
and they'll be in with the tear gas
before you can say, "Vote Labour" !
270
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:45,989
- What are you doing ?
- You are gonna watch the cricket, too.
271
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:51,000
I am not ! I have social responsibilities !
See this little old lady !
272
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,001
We shall not fail her !
273
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,730
See her walking !
274
00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:57,671
See her enormous son walking next to her.
275
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:02,406
She's the one I threatened earlier.
See his mighty tattoos !
276
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:06,678
- I think he's gonna whack me !
- That's the one.
277
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,520
You were right !
278
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,783
Maybe watching the cricket will be a bit safer.
279
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,052
- What's the plan ?
- Well...
280
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:19,460
We sit up on the roof,
watching the cricket and having a picnic.
281
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:25,036
Someone comes into the shop,
the bell rings, we come down and serve them.
282
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,535
Smashing. Let's go.
283
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:30,665
Righto, young sonny Jim, old fellow
me lad, me old pal from the briny,
284
00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:33,437
let's fill up the picnic hamper !
285
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:43,955
Here he comes...
286
00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:46,114
Here he comes...
287
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:47,816
And he's out !
288
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:51,790
Hang on, he's back in again.
289
00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,263
She's closed the curtains !
290
00:18:57,369 --> 00:19:00,167
- How's the cricket going ?
- Well...
291
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,138
...it still hasn't started.
292
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:07,378
Those stumps are very big, aren't they ?
293
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,674
Let's have a look.
294
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:16,148
That's the rugby ground.
295
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:18,779
Cricket's over there.
296
00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:22,087
Oh, yes ! Hmm...
297
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,293
What's going on ?
298
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:30,390
- They've broken for lunch.
- Why is there mayonnaise on your face ?
299
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:33,232
It's suntan lotion !
300
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:38,175
Never heard of low calorie suntan lotion before.
301
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:41,108
Oh, no ! Blast !
302
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,309
Where's the suntan lotion, then ?
303
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:49,318
You squirted it into your cheese roll.
304
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:52,321
- But I ate that !
- I know !
305
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:56,553
- Why didn't you tell me ?
- Because I don't like you.
306
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:01,859
Now I know you're joking me !
307
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,569
This is the life, isn't it ?
308
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:14,244
I should have been a farmer.
I really am an earth child.
309
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,711
I know the deep movement.
310
00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:20,113
The only deep movement you know
is when you've had a curry !
311
00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:25,154
I am part Red Indian, you know !
312
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:27,190
That'll be the curry again.
313
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:29,385
I am. Cherokee !
314
00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:32,725
I can even tell when it's going to rain.
315
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,631
How do you do that ?
316
00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:38,566
I sort of look up mystically.
317
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,698
Check out the sky.
318
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,776
If I see any black clouds,
"That's it !" I think, "Rain."
319
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,937
What was your Red Indian name, then ?
320
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,549
"Running Mouth" ?
321
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:54,652
"Sitting Down" ?
322
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:57,414
"Talking Bollocks" ?
323
00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:04,051
"Dances with the Wind."
324
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,494
That'll be the curry again.
325
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:10,227
I advise you to take me seriously,
or I might make it rain !
326
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:15,136
That'd be good. Go on, then, "Breezy
Trousers", or whatever your name is.
327
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,641
- Make it rain !
- You don't dabble with the deep forces.
328
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:24,113
There's not a cloud in the sky.
I'll give you 25 quid if you can make it rain.
329
00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:27,616
You're on ! I shall need a tomahawk.
330
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:30,449
This'll do. That's good, actually.
331
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:34,889
This may not work properly.
I'm used to working in moccasins.
332
00:21:35,827 --> 00:21:39,991
Right. Put up your brolly,
this is gonna be a big one.
333
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,828
Huh-ya ! Jesus, ooh !
334
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:46,599
Om-balla pappior !
335
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:49,764
Om-balla pappior ! Oompah ! Rain !
336
00:21:52,344 --> 00:21:55,006
It worked ! Look, Eddie !
337
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:57,274
Ugh ! Bloody hell !
338
00:21:57,416 --> 00:22:01,147
- I must have used the wrong chant !
- What will you do now ?
339
00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:04,414
Bring down a typhoon of buffalo dung ?
340
00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:12,458
- Watch it or I'll invoke the Big Spirit !
- Pull the other one. It's got bells on !
341
00:22:16,201 --> 00:22:18,431
How did you do that ?
342
00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:21,505
Mystical forces, Eddie ! Mystical forces !
343
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,902
Rubbish !
344
00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:25,669
It's the shop. We've got a customer.
345
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,174
- Careful with that step.
- What step ?
346
00:22:30,315 --> 00:22:32,215
- Agh !
347
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:45,889
Eddie, I've got a lovely chair for you !
348
00:22:46,898 --> 00:22:50,299
Eddie ? Maybe he's not coming up.
349
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:55,000
Eddie ! I'm stuck on the roof, Eddie !
350
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:59,042
I can't open it from out here ! Mayday ! Mayday !
351
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:07,080
- Are you OK, Richie ?
- I think I've broken my nose.
352
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,881
You'd better have a sit down.
353
00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:13,217
Thanks, mate.
354
00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:15,451
Oh, my back !
355
00:23:16,461 --> 00:23:20,022
You're lucky. You should see
what happened downstairs !
356
00:23:20,165 --> 00:23:22,030
Why ? Who was it ?
357
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:25,102
There was no one there -
358
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:28,570
just a bloke lying in the doorway
with a bell in the back of his head.
359
00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:30,971
- Did you put the bell back up ?
- Yes.
360
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:37,346
- Another customer. Your turn.
- Be an angel, Eddie.
361
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:40,883
I've hurt my face and broken my back.
I can't handle three flights.
362
00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:42,384
Three quid.
363
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:44,421
- �2.50.
- Six quid !
364
00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:47,582
You're on ! It doesn't do
to haggle with Eddie too long !
365
00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:51,623
Eddie, be careful with that step.
366
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:54,823
- Right. Agh !
367
00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:06,199
Tie the string here...
368
00:24:08,547 --> 00:24:13,314
Careful... I need some bait.
What does Eddie like best ?
369
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,784
A pickled onion sandwich !
370
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:28,263
Eddie ! I've made your favourite -
a pickled onion sandwich !
371
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:32,559
I hide here, Eddie sees the sandwich,
372
00:24:32,704 --> 00:24:35,639
says, "Pickled onion sandwich - my favourite !"
373
00:24:35,774 --> 00:24:40,507
I pull the string. Whack ! Eddie gets
the trapdoor in the back of the head !
374
00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:43,136
Nothing can go wrong !
375
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,649
Great ! A pickled onion sandwich - my favourite !
376
00:24:47,786 --> 00:24:51,552
Get a load of this, you bastard ! Got you now !
377
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:54,650
You let the trapdoor shut !
378
00:24:54,793 --> 00:24:57,227
- We're stuck on the roof now !
- How's that my fault ?
379
00:24:57,362 --> 00:25:01,696
- Your head was supposed to stop it !
- I didn't know that.
380
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,994
It was a surprise. It was a joke.
381
00:25:04,135 --> 00:25:08,003
- That would have hurt, wouldn't it ?
- That's what was so funny !
382
00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:10,974
Don't you dare !
383
00:25:13,745 --> 00:25:14,109
- Another customer.
384
00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:18,347
- But we're stuck on the roof !
- What about the fire escape ?
385
00:25:18,483 --> 00:25:21,714
It collapsed when Tubs Lardy
went on it for a bet.
386
00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:25,345
I remember. Shocking mess.
That dustbin's still flat !
387
00:25:25,490 --> 00:25:28,254
You can still hear the cat when you shake it.
388
00:25:28,393 --> 00:25:30,020
What about this customer ?
389
00:25:30,161 --> 00:25:31,856
Perhaps you should tell him
390
00:25:31,997 --> 00:25:35,364
some bald-headed loony tune
has trapped us on the roof,
391
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:39,436
- so we're not serving him today.
- That won't work.
392
00:25:39,571 --> 00:25:41,869
- Why not ?
- He's lying unconscious
393
00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,840
with a bell in the back of his head.
394
00:25:44,976 --> 00:25:48,275
Hang on. Someone's coming to help him.
395
00:25:48,413 --> 00:25:51,314
No, they're just nicking his wallet.
396
00:25:51,449 --> 00:25:53,781
- Have they got his wedding ring ?
- Not yet.
397
00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:57,514
- Let's get down there !
- We cannot get off the roof.
398
00:25:57,656 --> 00:26:02,389
There must be some way ! Couldn't we
make a parachute out of your trousers ?
399
00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:05,052
We'd get an aircraft hangar out of yours !
400
00:26:05,196 --> 00:26:08,188
Don't you call me
"Mr Wobbly Bottom", young lad !
401
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:12,667
And why not, "Mr Two Planets
Colliding in a Pair of Pants" ?
402
00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:17,434
Every time you bend over, it's like
watching two zeppelins having it off !
403
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:21,171
This is no time to discuss
the vastness of your bottom.
404
00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:25,545
We have to get off the roof,
you madman ! They're looting the shop !
405
00:26:27,953 --> 00:26:30,148
Put those Frosties back immediately !
406
00:26:30,288 --> 00:26:31,880
Bring back that Dream Topping !
407
00:26:32,023 --> 00:26:34,890
I'm writing all this down. I know who you are !
408
00:26:35,026 --> 00:26:38,086
You'll all be for the high jump !
409
00:26:38,229 --> 00:26:42,757
That's it - jump ! Why don't you jump ?
Go on. It's only you !
410
00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:45,529
You'd be doing a service.
You might get a George Cross !
411
00:26:45,670 --> 00:26:49,231
- I might get two broken legs.
- The drainpipe !
412
00:26:49,374 --> 00:26:51,535
It's staring us right in the face !
413
00:26:51,676 --> 00:26:54,474
- You go on, mate !
- Why don't you go ?
414
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:59,050
I've got mayonnaise all over
my face. What will they think ?
415
00:26:59,184 --> 00:27:01,482
Bring those shelves back !
416
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:05,056
It's getting serious !
This is going to cost us a fortune !
417
00:27:05,190 --> 00:27:07,283
- Money ?
- We'll have to pay for this.
418
00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:08,983
Right. I'm on my way.
419
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,027
Agh !
420
00:27:13,665 --> 00:27:15,997
I forgot about the string !
421
00:27:17,702 --> 00:27:22,196
- What string ?
- The string that holds everything onto...
422
00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:25,332
- Agh !
423
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:27,843
Eddie, are you all right ?
424
00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:30,038
Is the car ?
425
00:27:30,181 --> 00:27:32,672
That's it. Now fight off all the looters !
426
00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:35,445
Get the big one with the tattoos.
427
00:27:35,587 --> 00:27:37,919
No, you're supposed to hit HIM !
428
00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:42,083
Come inside and lock the doors
and get me off this bloody roof !
429
00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:49,661
AND STAY OUT !
430
00:27:49,801 --> 00:27:51,996
I'm coming, Richie !
431
00:27:52,137 --> 00:27:56,540
I'm not coming up here again !
I'll just remember the old maxim,
432
00:27:56,675 --> 00:28:00,111
"If you want to have a good time, forget it !"
433
00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:07,916
Ta-da !
35099
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