All language subtitles for West Wing S02E18 17 People.DVDRip.HI.cc.en.WB

Previously, on The West Wing:

I made a deal with Abbey

'cause of my thing.

One term.

TOBY: The energy
secretary is going

to respond and I'd
like to mention that

to the Vice President.

Shouldn't have
Bill Trotter do it.

Who would you send?

To punch back? Yeah.

Me.

I'm sure you know
I was curious about

why you'd volunteer
for something like that.

Mr. Vice President, what
do you know that I don't?

Toby, the total tonnage of
what I know that you don't

could stun a team of oxen

in its tracks.

MAN ( on TV): That's an
incredible one in 500 Americans

afflicted with this disease,
which leads me to part two

of our question.

Senator, how is it that,
despite the prevalence

of this disorder, autism
has received less than 15%...

( paper crumpling)

WOMAN ( on TV):
would gradually cut

one percentage point
off each individual tax rate

as well as significantly reduce
the so-called marriage penalty

it also would reduce

the capital gains tax
rate for an individual

and eventually eliminate
the inheritance tax.

And Republicans say their
work is not necessarily in vain...

Leo?

Hey.

I didn't know you
were still here. Yeah.

What's going on?

I've been thinking...

about why Hoynes
volunteered to slap down big oil.

It was his polling information.

Yeah, but why did he put
the poll in the field at all

is what I'm saying.

John Hoynes is an egomaniac

who needs to be told
what people think of him.

Well, that's pretty
unusual for Washington.

Yeah.

Leo, has there been a discussion

in some room, someplace,
anywhere, on any level

about Hoynes being dropped
from the ticket in 2002?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

'Cause I thought

maybe it was an
Eisenhower/Nixon...

No. Toby, I wouldn't give it

a lot of thought.

Okay.

( ball bouncing)

( motor whirring)

Hey.

Scared the hell out of me.

The poll that Hoynes
put in the field...

Hoynes is going to run
for President one day.

Why shouldn't he
do his own polling?

He's going to run for
President six years from now.

What good does last week's do?

I really don't know.

Okay.

TOBY: It's never
happened before, right?

LEO: No.

A Vice President would never
challenge a sitting President

for the nomination.

Of course not.

You see his itinerary

for the weekend?

Who? The Vice President.

I don't keep tabs on John.

He's giving a speech
at a semiconductor plant.

The title of the speech is

"Clean Air Industry in
the High Tech Corridor

of the Industrial Northeast."

Where?

Nashua... New Hampshire.

Toby, nobody...

And particularly not Hoynes...
Would be naive enou...

What I mean to say is, if
he's going to New Hampshire

for the reason you're thinking

he would mask it with something.

It wouldn't be an official trip.

He'd make up a benign
excuse to be up there.

I know.

So, why are you concerned
about the speech?

Because it comes in the
middle of a three-day camping trip

to Killington.

Why does Hoynes
think the President

isn't going to run again?

What's going on, Leo?

Captioning sponsored
by WARNER BROS.

( knocking)

Excuse me, Mr. President.

I closed the embassies
in Tanzania and Brussels.

What about domestic?

I don't have to
make that call yet.

How much time do you have?

About an hour.

Mr. President, I've got Toby

waiting in his office right now.

Why?

We've got to tell him.

Tell him what?

We've got to tell him.

What happened?

He got curious

when Hoynes
volunteered to step in

for Bill Trotter

and then more curious
when he found out

it was 'cause Hoynes
put a poll in the field.

Yeah.

Now he's camping

in Killington, Vermont

with a quick stop in New
Hampshire... Come on.

And Toby's not an idiot.

He...

None of them are.

He scheduled a trip
to New Hampshire?

High Tech corridor
of the Northeast.

Yeah, thanks to who?

What does that matter right now?

I think you've got to see
this as an opportunity.

To do what?

To gauge reaction.

You think Toby's reaction

is going to be the same

as the public's?

I meant the staff.
Which will be?

I'm sorry, sir?

The staff's reaction
will be what?

I don't know.

Shock, betrayal, confusion...

concern about our future.

I don't know.

What do I tell him?

Everything.

Go get him.

Yes, sir.

( sighs)

Now it starts.

( heavy sigh)

Hmm.

Yes.

Well...

You know what the
problem with this is?

Yes.

It's supposed to be funny.

And yet...? It's not.

No. Who worked on this?

Jay Breech, Janet Lippman,
Andy Kyle worked on it a little.

You know what they did?

Yeah.

They forgot to bring the funny.

Yeah.

How much time do we have?

I want to show it to
him within the hour.

Toby. Yeah?

Sam and I are going to stay

and punch up some of the jokes

for the Correspondents' Dinner.

Yeah, I read it.

They forgot the funny.
You want to stay?

Where you going to be?

We'll find a place.

I'll hook up with
you in a little bit.

What's going on? Nothing.

Yeah.

Hello.

How you doing?

I'm doing fine.

Did you get the flowers?

Yes, I did.

Did you like them?

They were very pretty.

Do you know why I sent them?

I know why you
think you sent them.

It's our anniversary.
No, it's not.

I'm the sort of guy who
remembers those things.

No. You're the sort of guy

who sends a woman
flowers to be mean.

You're really the only person

I've ever met who can do that.

I'm quite something. Yes.

I sent them to mark an occasion.

Are we really going
to do this every year?

For I am a man of occasion.

I started working
for you in February.

This is April, and
you're an idiot.

You started working
for me once in February

then stopped for a while. Yes.

Then you started again in April.

That's the one I
choose to celebrate

'cause it's the only one where
you started working for me

and it wasn't followed
by your not working

but rather going
back to your boyfriend.

And how, in comparison
to that and him

you can call me "mean"

is simply another
in a long series

of examples of
how... Oh, shut up!

Honest to God, do
you ever get tired

of the sound of your own voice?

No! No, no, no.

Well, where are you going now?

Sam and I are going to punch
up the thing for tomorrow.

Hey, we need funny people.

Yeah? You know any?

See, right there was a joke.

It's the oldest
joke in the book.

I'll say.

You know what, Ado Annie?

I sent you flowers.

I think what you're
trying to say is

"Why, thank you,
Josh, they're beautiful.

"How very thoughtful of you.

Not many bosses would've
been that thoughtful."

Really? What I think I was
trying to say was, "Shove it."

Then I guessed wrong.

You want me to
help with the thing?

Yes, I do because you are
such an hysterically funny person.

Did you notice how I
used "an" there properly?

Yes, I did.

You crack me up.

You know, there are times...

Yeah?

When, to put it quite simply,
I hate your breathing guts.

So, the flowers really
did the trick, huh?

Oh, yeah.

SAM ( shouting): Ainsley?!

Ainsley.

Ainsley? Hello, Sam.

Didn't you hear me
shouting? Yes, I did.

And? I chose to ignore it.

Because? You were shouting.

You're adorable.

Yet ill-adored.

Go figure. Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm going up to Smith
College tomorrow.

Why? It's my alma mater.

Reunion? No.

The Woman's Studies
Department is having a panel

on resurrecting the ERA.

Who else is on the panel?

Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem

Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...

You know, something
like 40% of all women

opposed the ERA

and in my entire life

I've never met one of them.

Ainsley Hayes. Nice to meet you.

You're not.

Yes.

You're not!

Yes.

You're not, you're not,
you're not one of those people!

Sam, if by "those people"

you're referring
to Episcopalians...

You're going back to Smith
College, the cradle of feminism

to argue in opposition of the
Equal Rights Amendment?!

And get some decent pizza. Yeah.

They're going to
hate you. Sam...

I'm a straight Republican
from North Carolina.

You don't think they hated
me the first time around?

Yeah. What are you doing?

I want to punch up
some of the jokes

for the Correspondents' Dinner

and I'm looking for
people left in the building

who are funny,
but I can't find any

so I came to you.

I would think, Sam

with your infectious
sense of humor

you would have no trouble.

You want to help me or not?

I need to do this.

We've ordered Chinese food.

Okay.

JAY LENO ( on TV): And
Australia announced today

they're holding the 18th
Annual Nude Olympics.

The Nude Olympics
in Australia, huh?

You thought it was exciting
to win a race by a nose.

Oh, you've got to watch this.

( laughter and applause)

Did you see the draft for
the Correspondents' Dinner?

Yeah.

It's not funny.

Sam's going to work on it.

Toby, take it easy
in there, okay?

You can go in.

Good evening, Mr. President.

Hey, Toby. You want a drink?

No, thank you, sir. I'm fine.

Have a drink with me.

Sure.

Bourbon, no ice?

Thank you.

You know what I just
found out recently?

To be called "bourbon"

it has to come from Kentucky.

Otherwise, it's
called "sour mash."

An Algerian-born terrorist

named Reda Nessam was arrested
at the Canadian border yesterday

with a U-Haul containing

ten two-ounce jars

filled with nitroglycerin.

And they don't allow that
kind of thing at Yosemite?

No. Anyway

on advice from
State and Intelligence

I closed the embassies
in Tanzania and Brussels.

What about the FAA?

They want me to
order the airports

to heighten security, but
it's a holiday weekend.

I don't know.

Toby, I've got to
tell you something.

Does the FAA

have to present evidence

of a credible threat? Yeah.

How do they do that?

I don't know. They do
it, but... Is there a...?

Sir, is there a time frame?

About an hour.

Toby, around ten years ago,
for a period of a few months

I was feeling run down,
and I had a pain in my leg.

They both eventually subsided

but then, eight years
ago the pain came back

as well as numbness.

My vision would be blurry
sometimes, and I'd get dizzy.

During an eye exam

the doctor detected
abnormal pupil responses

and ordered an MRI.

The radiologist found
plaques on my brain and spine.

I have a relapsing/remitting
course of MS.

I'm sorry, sir.

I have Multiple Sclerosis, Toby.

( Toby clears throat)

( clears throat)

What does relapsing/
remitting mean?

I'm sorry? What does

relapsing/remitting mean?

It's...

I don't know...

It's the good kind of MS.

It's the good kind.

Yeah. As opposed to
secondary progressive.

Which is the bad kind.

Yeah. MS is a chronic disease
of the central nervous system.

Symptoms can be
as mild as numbness

or as severe as paralysis.

And loss of vision.

Yeah.

And cognitive function.

Yup.

TOBY: Is it...

I'm sorry. Is it fatal?

No. That's the good news.

The bad news is there's no cure.

Yeah, that I knew.

Does relapsing/remitting...

PRESIDENT: Ever turn
into secondary progressive?

Yeah.

Sure.

Is there any way of
telling if it's going to?

No.

Okay.

I'd like to stand up.

Can I stand?

Yeah.

( knocking)

I'm sorry, sir, uh...

I need to...

Can I, uh...

Excuse me.

CHARLIE: Mr. President?

Yeah.

You wanted the call from
Mr. Garreth at the FAA.

Charlie, could you put
it through to my office?

Yes, sir.

Go take it in my office.

JOSH: See? Yeah.

Larry? Yeah.

See the problem? They
didn't bring the funny, Josh.

No, they didn't.

What are you doing?

I'm jotting down some go-to's
in case a joke doesn't work.

"I haven't seen an audience
this dead"... that kind of thing.

You think the President's
going to get heckled?

No, but I've read the
speech and you'd be wise

to have some dead
audience metaphors.

Okay, here we go.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I
am very happy to be here

"and I want to thank

"the White House Correspondents'
Association for inviting me.

"I expect I'll be
stuck here tonight

"with my fair share
of verbal harpoons.

"I don't mind.

Just don't stick me
with the dinner check."

Wow.

And then it says here
"Allow for laughter."

Unless we give that
instruction to the audience

I don't think it's
going to be a problem.

"I don't mind, just don't stick
me with the dinner check"?

It's like he's
playing Grossingers.

"I know some of you are troubled

"by my frequent use
of Latin references.

Well, all I can say
is, No te preocupas."

The joke there is
that it's in Spanish.

It's that kind of Latin.

That's where you'll want

your first dead audience joke.

We're not going to need one.

Donna, who gave you
those beautiful flowers?

I did. Me. Those are from me.

What's the occasion? Nothing.

Our anniversary.

Our not anniversary.

Donna doesn't
like to talk about it.

I really don't. Okay.

A few years ago,
Donna's boyfriend broke up

with her, so she started working

for Josh.

Then the boyfriend told her

to come back, and
she did and then

they broke up, and
she came back to work.

I thought you meant you
didn't want to talk about it.

I'm a spokesman.
It's in my blood.

Well, they're nice flowers.

"And I'd also like
to thank our host

Bill Maher." We're not
making fun of the host.

Who are we making fun
of? MEN: Republicans.

SAM: I only wish the
Speaker were here

tonight, but he's held up
in negotiations on the Hill.

He's demanding
his latest pre-nup

include a line item veto?

There it is. SAM:
All right, two groups.

You guys there. We'll stay here.

I want to be in the other group.

Why? The Kung Pao Chicken.

Get the Kung Pao
Chicken and come back.

In a half hour, I want
to make Toby laugh.

So I found out about a year ago.

Two nights before
the State of the Union.

He had an attack.

He did?

When he passed
out in the Oval Office.

That was an attack?

Yeah.

I thought it was the flu.

It wasn't.

How is it poss...

How is it possible that
this was kept a secret?

First of all, who else knows?

You're the 16th person.

Who else? I'll tell
you some of them.

I won't tell you all of them.

Why not?

'Cause it's not
entirely my business.

I'm not sure of my footing here.

The President will be
off the phone in a minute

and in the meantime,
you'll take what I give you.

It's not entirely your business?

The First Lady.

The doctor, radiologist

the specialist, the kids...

Who else?

That's it for now.
He took a physical.

Those doctors were
from eight years ago.

He took a physical.

It's in remission.

It doesn't show up
during a physical...

Leo... It's in remission.

Nobody lied.

Nobody lied?

Nobody.

Nobody lied?

Is that what you've been
saying to yourself over and over

again for a year?

Leo, a deception of
massive proportion?

I can't even...
He gets a physical

twice a year at Bethesda.

His doctors are Naval officers.

Are you telling me that
officers are involved in this?

These guys are going
to be court-martialed.

Nobody... Listen to me.

Nobody lied.

Nobody was asked to lie.

Coercion.

Nobody was asked to lie.

Officers, the First
Lady, surgeons

Surgeon Generals,
for all I know.

The plural of Surgeon
General isn't Surgeon Generals

It's Surgeons General.

Like Attorneys General,
or Courts Martial.

Nobody was asked to lie.

That was Garreth from the FAA.

Upon interrogating Reda Nessam

they believe it's possible
that another rental car

crossed the border yesterday.

They believe it's headed

to a safe house in
Paterson, New Jersey

and the FBI thinks

they can apprehend
him in 24 hours.

Of course, the only
way all of this will happen

is if Reda Nessam
is telling the truth.

So who wants odds?

Anyway, they're still

looking at forensic
evidence, and we're going

to talk again in a few minutes

to decide if there's
a credible threat.

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't hear that.

I said we're going to decide
if there's a credible threat.

Why?

What are you guys talking about?

JOSH: Hey.

CHARLIE: How you doing?

You have any idea how much
longer Toby's going to be?

I don't.

Let me ask you, you
think this joke's funny?

I'm sorry the Speaker isn't here

he's up on the Hill in
last-minute negotiations.

He's going over his pre-nup
and he wants a line item veto.

Well, I think it's
pretty funny, but...

What?

I wouldn't do it. Why?

I think it's going
to call attention

to the First Lady
not being there.

Where's Mrs.
Bartlet going to be?

She went back up to Manchester.

She's not coming to the
Correspondents' Dinner?

Probably not.

Charlie, what's going on?

Sorry.

All right.

You don't know when Toby's out?

No.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

"Equality of Rights
under the law

"shall not be denied or abridged

by the United States or
any state on account of sex."

What's the joke?

It's not a joke. It's the
Equal Rights Amendment.

When did that come back?

Read what these guys have.

"Shall not be abridged or denied

on the account of sex."

Very dangerous language.

This must be stopped.

What could possibly be your
problem with the ERA? It's redundant.

Why are we talking
about the ERA?

She's doing a thing.

Yeah, but it's not
back or anything, is it?

Certainly not if Phyllis
Schlafly over here has her way.

Look... It's redundant?

I'm a low-maintenance lady

I got the 14th
Amendment, I'm fine.

How about...

The 14th Amendment, which says

that a citizen of the
United States is anyone

that's born here, that's me

and that no citizen can
be denied due process.

I'm covered.

Make a law for somebody else.

Here's a joke based
on the premise

that the party afterward
is hard to get into

and that the President is
the Commander in Chief.

I hear the Bloomberg party

is going to be hard
to get into this year

but I'm not worried.

I'm going to the party
with the 82nd Airborne.

And then the President says

"Wow, I haven't
heard a room this quiet

since we lost the
signal on Galileo."

Or, "Wow, I haven't
seen my staff

update their
resumes this quickly

since the last time I tanked at
the Correspondents' Dinner!"

Josh... Yeah?

When you yell,
you make it harder

for people to find the funny.

Who gave you those
flowers on your desk?

A mean man who
can't read a calendar.

Sam.

We're doing fine.

Toby's going to come
in here and nail it.

This is his thing.

Yeah, cut the
Speaker joke, okay?

Mrs. Bartlet might not be there.

Okay.

All right, so we're
going to be fine here.

Yeah, we're doing great.

We're doing great,
everybody, right?

Sam, we've got one here

but it involves a John Wayne
impersonation and a sock puppet.

Yeah, we're eating it.

Leo said you had
an attack last year.

Hmm?

Leo said you had
an attack last year.

Yeah.

A couple of nights before
the State of the Union.

Yeah.

Wasn't that also the night

you saw satellite pictures
of India moving on Kashmir?

Yeah.

India and Pakistan were
staring each other down

control of some nuclear
weapons had been put in the field.

Yeah.

So in the middle of a... I
don't know what you call it.

An episode.

You were in the Situation
Room as Commander in Chief.

I know, I can't believe
we're all still here.

Mr. President...

The episode was over.

Leo was with me

the Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs was with me

as were the Secretaries of State

and Defense. Do you
receive medication?

I'm sorry?

Do you receive medicat...

I get injections of Betaseron.

From whom?

From a doctor.

None of your current doctors
are aware of your condition.

Mr. President, is your
wife medicating you?

I think it would be best

while temperatures
are running a little high

that you refer to my wife as
Mrs. Bartlet or the First Lady.

Yes, sir.

What you got, Leo?

They'd like a few more minutes.

The FAA? Yeah.

Talk me through what
heightened security means.

Well, they deploy more
uniformed police and the dogs.

They hand-search luggage.

And they discontinue...

curbside check-in, yeah.

Eliminate the first two
rows of short-term parking.

PRESIDENT: Okay,
they want a few minutes?

Yeah.

Toby's concerned
that the peaceful

solution I brokered in
Kashmir last year was the result

of a drug-induced haze.

I was there with
him. So was Fitz.

So was Cashman,
Hutchinson, Berryhill...

Well, that's fantastic.

Toby... None of
you were elected.

I was elected, they
were appointed.

The Vice President was elected.

He has the Constitutional
authority to assume my...

Not last May, he didn't.

He didn't last May when you
were under general anesthesia.

'Cause I never signed
the letter, but I don't

think I got shot
'cause I got MS.

I don't think you
did either, sir.

I meant that during a night
of extreme chaos and fear

when we didn't yet know
if we'd been the victims

of domestic or foreign terrorism

or even an act of war

there was uncertainty
as to who was giving

the national security orders

and it was because
you never signed a letter.

So I'm led to wonder

given your condition and
its lack of predictability

why there isn't
simply a signed letter

sitting in a file someplace.

And the answer of course is
that if there was a signed letter

sitting in a file someplace,
somebody would ask why.

The Commander in Chief
had just been attacked.

He was under a
general anesthetic.

A fugitive was at large.

The manhunt included

every Federal, state and
local law enforcement agency.

The Virginia, Maryland,
New Jersey, Pennsylvania

and Delaware National
Guard units were federalized.

The KH-10s showed Republican
Guard movement in southern Iraq

and 12 hours earlier, an F-117
was shot down in the no-fly

and the Vice President's
authority was murky at best!

The National Security Advisor
and the Secretary of State

didn't know who they were
taking their orders from.

I wasn't in the Situation
Room that night

but I'll bet all the
money in my pockets

against all the
money in your pockets

that it was Leo...

who no one elected!

For 90 minutes that night

there was a coup
d'etat in this country.

"And the walls
came tumblin' down."

I feel fine, by the
way. Thanks for asking.

Sir...

No, Leo, Toby's concern

for my health is moving me...

Mr. President...

Shut up!

You know your indignation would
be a lot more interesting to me

if it weren't quite
so covered in crap.

Sir? Yeah.

Mr. Garreth. Thanks.

Are you pissed 'cause
I didn't say anything

or are you pissed 'cause
there were 15 people

who knew before you did?

I feel fine by the way.
Thanks for asking.

Take the call in here.

We'll step outside for a minute.

Yeah, this is the President.

SAM: Self-deprecation.

Yes. Self-deprecation's
what we need.

Yes.

Self-deprecation is
the appetizer of charm.

We need jokes about the staff.

We need jokes about the staff.

Let's start with you.

Problem is there aren't many
jokes you can make about me.

How about this.
Um, "Knock-Knock."

"Who's there?" "Sam
and his prostitute friend."

( Ainsley laughs)

See, I think that was a bit
of misdirected anger there.

I'm okay with that.
Well, in that case

Ainsley, you know why I got you
flowers in April instead of February?

'Cause you ditched
me the first time around

to go back to the
guy who ditched you

the first time
around, only to have

him ditch you the
second time around.

Ow. What the hell? That was him.

He was being you.

Well, in fairness, I think
everybody should have a turn.

Sam, is there anything

we can pull, anything
funny we can recycle?

Yeah, pull something
I wrote from October

called Government-wide
Accountability

for Merit System Principles.

That one was a
barn burner, was it?

( sighs)

Do you have any idea how much
grief I took from him when I came back?

How much?

None.

I walked in the door.
He said, "Thank God.

There's a pile of
stuff on the desk."

This is his way.

He's just going to
snark me every April.

The prince of passive/
aggressive behavior.

What does snark mean?

I don't know, but he's doing it.

Is there any coffee left?

In the mess. Anybody
want anything?

You think they have
cheesecake down there?

It's a quarter after midnight.

The pastry chef usually
stays on till dawn.

I'll go see what there is.

You know, we should
make a joke about women

'cause there's no
law against that

or paying them less
money than men.

Well, there is a
law against that.

It's the Pay Equity Act.

It was passed in 1964

when women were making
59 cents to the dollar.

What are you making now?

Seventy-nine cents.

So, everything's fine.

No, there are still some
problems, but I'm not worried

'cause the Federal Government's
coming to the rescue.

Look...

You think pay disparity is 'cause
some sexist in human resources

hired two people for equal
positions and paid the man more?

Oftentimes, women... And
oftentimes, women make less money

over the course of their
lifetime because they choose to.

Oh, good night, nurse.

They do not choose
to make less money.

They're financially
punished for having kids.

They made a choice to have kids.

Well, not necessarily, if
you guys have your way.

But that's a
different can of tuna.

I flat out guarantee you
that if men were biologically

responsible for procreation,
there'd be paid family leave

in every Fortune 500.

Sam, if men were biologically
responsible for procreation

they'd fall down and
die at the first sonogram.

If the Amendment is redundant

then what's your problem
if it's passed or not?

Because I'm a
Republican. Have we met?

I believe that every time
the Federal Government

hands down a new law, it leaves

for the rest of us,
a little less freedom.

So I say, let's just stick to
the ones we absolutely need

in order to have water
come out of the faucet

and our cars not stolen.

That is my problem with
passing a redundant law.

Sam? Yeah.

The all-night pastry chef, you
were just kidding about that, right?

Yeah.

He's still on with
State and the rest...

So Hoynes knows?

Hmm?

Hoynes is one of the 16?

Yeah.

And he thinks the
President won't run again.

He thinks there's a chance.

Will he?

Will the President run?

Where's the First Lady?

In Manchester.

Why'd she come to me
after the State of the Union...?

Toby...

Why, why's she
mad at the President?

It's because the State of the
Union set up the reelection run.

And somehow, she's under the
impression that's not supposed to happen.

The First Lady...

I have no kind of
investigative mind, zero.

It took me six days and
23 minutes to figure it out.

He'll run.

Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause we stood in
that office a couple months ago

you and I, and you
said, "Take my hand.

We just..."

Never mind.

He'll run.

Hoynes was 14.

Who was 15?

Dr. David Lee...

the anesthesiologist at G.W.

He had to know
about the Betaseron.

Getting back to Hoynes...

I'm sorry, Leo, but I need
you to look at me right now

and tell me the doctor's not
under any kind of surveillance.

The doctor's free to talk
to whomever he likes.

Well, I'm sure we're going
to find that out soon enough.

He's not going to
leak it. Someone will.

Toby...

Leo, Hoynes left bread crumbs.

He, he wanted me to find out.
A camping trip to Killington?

That was a jackass
move. I don't think so.

I think he may be the only one
around here who's acting responsibly.

To who?

The Democratic Party.

It's seven and a half
months till the Iowa caucus

and no one's been told the
President might not be the nominee?

He's going to run.

He may not have
that option, Leo.

When this story breaks, it
will be because we broke it.

And we'll control it.

And the public will accept it.

It's not like it's unprecedented

that a President
conceal health issues.

What do you think
is going to happen?

I mean it, what do you
think is going to happen?

Well...

I suppose one of...

five things.

The President can
decide not to run.

He can run and not win.

He can run and win.

And, what are the other two?

Leo...

You think he's going
to need to resign?

There's going to be

hearing upon
hearing upon hearing.

He hasn't broken a law.

( door opens)

CHARLIE: The
President's on his way back.

Thanks.

Says you.

And you don't have
to break the law

to get served with
Articles of Impeachment.

Toby, it is never
going to get that far.

Write down the exact
date and time you said that.

DONNA: See, the thing about
me, is that mine is a dry wit.

And a dry wit,
like a fine martini

is best enjoyed...

LARRY: Uh-oh.

Yeah, nowhere to go there.

What the hell took so long?

We got the coffee, but then I
spilled it coming up the stairs.

You know, the first couple
times. Where's Josh?

You sent him to get the thing.

For how long? I've had time
to spill coffee, you know, a lot.

I'll find him.

So, guys...

Yeah. When I was downstairs

I made a decision: I'm registering
with the Republican Party.

And I'll tell you why,
if you're curious.

Because they're a
freedom-loving people.

We also like beef.

You know, you insist the
Government is depraved

for not legislating against what
we can see on the newsstands

or what we can
see in an art exhibit

or what we can burn in protest

or which sex we're
allowed to have sex with

or a woman's right to choose.

But don't you dare
try and regulate

this deadly weapon I
have concealed on me

for that would encroach
against my freedom.

Yeah, and Democrats
believe in free speech

as long as it isn't prayer
while you're standing in school.

You believe in the
Freedom of Information Act

except if you want to find out

if your 14-year-old
daughter's had an abortion.

We believe in the ERA.

Well, go get 'em.

How can you have an objection
to some-thing that says...

Because it's humiliating.

A new Amendment
we vote on declaring

that I am equal under
the law to a man?

I am mortified to discover

there's reason to
believe I wasn't before.

I am a citizen of this country.

I am not a special subset
in need of your protection.

I do not have to have my
rights handed down to me

by a bunch of old, white men.

The same Article
14 that protects you

protects me.

And I went to law
school just to make sure.

And with that, I'm going
back down to the mess

because I thought I may
have seen there, a peach.

I could've countered that

but I'd already moved on
to other things in my head.

Josh.

Oh.

Well, that was predictable.

Yes.

I'm trying to find that
speech Sam said.

You know, we keep
them on computer.

Well, yeah, sure, I suppose...

Except you don't know how
to use a computer. Right.

Josh, Josh, Josh.

Yes.

Joshua, Josh, Josh.

What the hell is happening now?

You feel, I believe, because
you're quite addleminded

that this job was
my second choice.

Hey, I'm just grateful
we were your last choice.

I'm going to give you a little gift
right now, which you don't deserve.

Donna, if you've got your
old Catholic school uniform

on under there,
don't get me wrong

I applaud the thought, but...

Okay, what I need is
for you to stop being

like... you for a second.

Okay. When I came back

you remember I had a
bandage on my ankle?

Yeah. I told you I slipped

on the ice on the front walk?

Yeah, you know
why? 'Cause you didn't

put down the kitty litter. I
was actually in a car accident.

You were in a car
accident? It was...

Seriously, you
were in an accident?

It was no big deal.

You told me it was a late thaw.

Yes... I did.

Anyway, they took
me to the hospital

and I called him, and
he came down to get me.

And on the way...

he stopped and met some
friends of his for a beer.

He stopped on the way
to the hospital for a beer?

Yes.

And so I left him.

Which was the point
of my telling you this.

I left him.

So stop remembering that.

What I remember is
that you took me back

when you had absolutely
no reason to trust me again

and you didn't make
fun of me or him

and you had every reason to.

Donna...

You're going to make fun
of him now, aren't you? No.

'Cause that's why I didn't
tell you in the first place.

I'm not going to
make fun of him. Good.

But just what kind of
a dumpkiss were you...

He was supposed to
meet some of his friends.

He stopped on the
way to say he couldn't.

And had a beer? Does
this make you feel superior?

Yes, you are better

than my old boyfriend.

I'm, I'm just saying

if you were in an accident,
I wouldn't stop for a beer.

If you were in an accident,
I wouldn't stop for red lights.

Thanks for taking me back.

Oh, and the
flowers are beautiful.

Why not heighten security?

Hmm?

At the airports, why not heighten
security? What's the downside?

Sorry about that.

What's going on?

Charlie?

I've got to make the call.

Yes, sir.

Let's get Garreth back.

( sighs)

Toby was just asking
what the downside

of going to a security
condition was.

The scanners they use take
an hour to search the luggage

of 250 passengers.

The condition requires
two photo I.D.s.

Most people only have one.

Delays.

Delays are the downside.

( knocking at door)

CHARLIE: Mr. Garreth.

That timed out well.

Hal, okay, let's do it.

I'm ordering the airports

to a 2-condition.

You'll have it in writing

in about five minutes.

Thanks.

I didn't know enough.

I know the feeling.

I have no intention of
apologizing to you, Toby.

Would you mind if I ask why not?

'Cause you're not the one

with MS, a wife, three
kids and airports to close.

Not every part of
me belongs to you.

This was personal.

I'm not willing to
relinquish that right.

It will appear to
many, if not most

as fraud.

It will appear as if you denied

the voters an opportunity

to decide for themselves.

They're generally not willing

to relinquish
that right, either.

Yeah.

Mr. President, at some
point in the near future

we're going to have to
speak to some lawyers.

Well, that's what usually
brings on the episodes

but if you say so.

It's 17 people, by the way.

I'm sorry?

You knew.

We weren't counting you.

It's 17 people.

( sighs)

I don't know.

It may have been
unbelievably stupid.

It may have been
unthinkably stupid.

I don't know.

I'm sorry, I really am.

I've got to go in the
other room and, uh...

Yeah. I'll see you
tomorrow. Thanks.

Thank you, Mr. President.

ED: I think that's a good one.

( talking and laughing)

AINSLEY: Toby!

JOSH: What have you got?

ED: Um, okay, so the President
was asked to pick tonight's menu.

And he says, uh, just serve

anything you want
except lame duck.

SAM: Toby,
listen, listen to this.

Okay.

ED: So the President says,
"I know times are tough.

The NASDAQ just filed
for not-for-profit status."

( laughter)

AINSLEY: What about the
one about the Pentagon?

JOSH: Okay, you
have to try and imagine

that the President is saying it.

TOBY: Okay.

JOSH: Tell me if you
think this is funny...

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