All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes S01E03 Kommandant of the Year_iris2.eng

Zuruck to
the Barracken.

Don't you know
no one is allowed outside

after roll call?

Schultz, I was
just going into town

to get some beer.

Now, I'd have been
back by, say, June.

July at the latest.

Wise guy.

You could have been shot
and-and-and everything.

Yeah, yeah,
and everything.

Ja, ja.

What's the matter,
Carter.

Having trouble
with our genial host?

Colonel, they
just brought

something big in
camp, and the goons

are all worked
up about it.

Goons?

Nothing
personal, Schultz.

Jolly joker.

Something big, huh?

Let's have a look.

Anybody order
a piano by mail?

Number three
torpedo ready, sir.

Got enough guards around,
it must be important.

Ah. That is bigger than a piano.

It's even bigger
than a breadbox.

Maybe it's some kind
of a new secret weapon.

Now, why did they
bring it in here?

Well, they know it's safe.

The Allies won't bomb
a prisoner-of-war camp.

No, you see,
that wouldn't be cricket.

Hey, gang, what
about if we

find out what it is,

and if it's
important enough,

we get London
to bomb the camp?

That would be great.

Carter...

Out.

Schultz says I
might get shot.

That's right.

These orders
of General Burkhalter

place Stalag 13
and my command

at your disposal.

Yes, Herr Colonel.

Major Hauser,
may I inquire

what your mission is?

It is top secret, sir,

and, uh... before
telling you,

I want your assurance
of absolute security.

You have it, sir.

This very office

is more secure than any room

in the headquarters
of the fuhrer himself.

So, I can assure you,
Major Hauser,

you may speak
with absolute security.

Your secret will not go
beyond these walls.

Thank you, Colonel.

Turn the volume up,
Kinch, will you?

I can't. Somebody's been using
this thing to make coffee.

Don't you guys
know a coffeepot

from an amplifier?

Shh. Listen.

The equipment

you refer to, Colonel,
is a new type V-bomb,

fully armed with a highly
volatile explosive.

I have been ordered
to bring it to the coast,

obviously for use
in targets against England.

That's fantastic.

:
Fantastic, Major.

You sure this is
a one-way tap?

The bomb is to remain here

for two days until the new
launching pad is ready.

I can assure you, sir,
it's absolutely safe.

Thank you for your
cooperation, Colonel.

I shall mention you
in my report

to General
Burkhalter in Berlin.

No, that won't
be necessary,

but, uh... just in case,

my name is spelled
with a "K."

What a hambone.

A V-bomb, huh?

Kinch, let's get
down to the tunnel

and call
a submarine.

Hello, Mama Bear.

Hello, Mama Bear...
This is Goldilocks.

Hello, Mama Bear.

Come in, Goldilocks,

This is Mama Bear.

Little Miss Muffet
has a big new tuffet

that goes boom.

Little Miss Muffet
moving tuffet 48 hours.

Goldilocks requesting
permission to make tuffet

go boom before
move. Over.

Hands off Miss Muffet's
tuffet, Goldilocks.

Stand by for our next
installment, 12 hours.

Over and out.

You mean
we got to wait

12 hours
to blow that thing up?

What's the matter, Kinch
you double parked?

We couldn't get
near it, Colonel.

We never had a chance.

They guard it like
the ruddy Bank of England.

Maybe we could tunnel
up to it, Colonel.

If we could take a
turn in Tunnel Three

and we come up
through our wine cellar...

Are you mad?

Disturb that wine
we just put in there?

Chateau Lafitte must have
rest in the beginning.

Americans. Hot dogs. Beer.

All right, all right,
knock it off.

Colonel, the sub
just sent this.

Thanks, Kinch.

They're sending
a team, four men.

They'll be dropped
tonight at point M-l4

at approximately
2100 hours.

Three commandos
and a Dr. Schneider.

A doctor?

Scientist.

Sub says he needs
a minimum of ten minutes

alone with the rocket
to look it over

and take pictures of it.

Well, just how do we

get four men
in here, Colonel?

It would be easier
to send them

the bleeding bomb
by parcel post.

Four men, huh?

They've really
tightened up on security.

What's Klink trying
to prove, anyway?

He's trying to show
that major from Berlin

how tough he can be.

All right,
so he's tough.

He deserves a prize.

Wait a minute.

Wait one minute.

We'll give him a prize.

How about something nice,
like a broken leg?

May I assist?

No, no prize, a medal.

Colonel Klink is going to be
Kommandant of the Year.

Stalag 13 is going
to be in the top ten,

prison camp-wise, that is.

Just the diversion we want.

We need a medal.

What are the boys
in the iron shop doing?

Making hand-grenade
paperweights.

Every third one is live.

Gestapo men all
over Germany

are getting a real
bang out of their mail.

Forget about
the paperweights.

We need an ornate medal...
A... a German eagle

clutching a prisoner
of war by the throat.

But friendly.

Get 'em to work on it. Okay.

We also
need a scroll.

Make it nice
and big and fancy,

curlicues and stuff.

Make it baroque.

You mean like cupids.

Why not?

Cupids never hurt anybody.

Okay, cupids.

Kinch, make contact
with the sub.

Right-o.

Lebeau, tell
the print shop

we need some orders
from Burkhalter to Klink.

Orders? Now, how are we
going to get them to Klink?

A magician
like Newkirk?

He could pick your pockets
wearing boxing gloves.

I've been that way
since birth, you know.

By the way,
is this your coin?

Give me that.

I found it
a little earlier.

There you are, mate.
I'm sorry about that.

You are a...

I'm too small. I didn't
see him. I couldn't help it.

Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requests permission to see you.

Later, Schultz.
I have no time for him now.

Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requested me

to tell you it is urgent.

Really?

Tell me, Schultz,

which Colonel is running
this camp, Hogan or me?

I sometimes wonder.

Me, too, Herr Komman...

I am the Colonel who will sign
your transfer

for the Russian front.

Boy, are you running the camp.

Send him in.

Colonel Hogan,
I am very busy today...

Dispatches from Berlin.
What is it?

I'm here to make
a complaint

on behalf of my men.

Oh, a complaint.

Not sufficient entertainment,
perhaps?

No, you're funny enough.

Or the food you take
from German mouths.

I suppose you will prefer
some wine or some caviar?

Matter of fact,
I'm very fond of caviar.

I don't want to have you go
to any trouble,

but if you should happen
to be near a post office

when they transfer you
to the Russian front...

Who said I was going
to the Russian front?

You heard something, Hogan?

I hear lots of things.

Like my men complaining

about that thing sitting out
there on the truck,

containing highly volatile
explosives.

That, Colonel,
is none of your business.

Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention,

"Prisoners of war shall not be
subjected to unusual danger."

Page five, Chapter three,
Section four.

I will decide what
is dangerous and

what is not dangerous
at Stalag 13.

Colonel Hogan,
I'm a very busy man.

You're dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Hogan, wait.

I can't believe it.

A dispatch
from General Burkhalter.

I have been named
Kommandant of the Year.

Kommandant of the Year!

Ja.

And Stalag 13 will
be among the top ten

prisoner-of-war camps
in all of Germany.

I didn't know
they took a poll.

Nobody asked me.

Congratulations, sir.

Danke.

A Colonel Schneider
and his staff

will be awarding a medal
and a scroll.

A scroll.
That's pretty fancy.

Probably even have cupids on it.

Schneider.
Colonel Schneider.

I don't know any Schneider
on Burkhalter's staff.

Oh, Germany's just crawling
with Schneiders.

Very common name.

Yes, I know, but...

I once knew a George Schneider
in Chicago.

He was a butcher.

Had a thumb
that weighed a pound and half.

Wilhelm Klink,
Kommandant of the Year.

Has a good, nasty ring
to it, sir.

And why not?

I worked hard to get this.

I deserve it.

Stalag 13 should be
in the top ten.

Colonel Schneider will arrive
tomorrow.

A formation of the command...

Sir, request permission
for the prisoners to parade?

Granted.

After all,
you belong to us, too.

Just a simple ceremony,
presentation of the awards,

and then back to the routine

that made us famous
here at Stalag 13.

After your acceptance speech,
of course.

Acceptance speech?

Oh, nothing elaborate.

Just a half an hour,
40 minutes.

Just the essentials.

But I'd leave out
the ugly incident

with the Munich police,
if I were you.

They never pressed changes.

I'm a soldier,
not a politician.

I will not talk
for 30 minutes.

20.

Split the difference.

Talk for ten minutes,
just the highlights.

Do you really feel
it's necessary?

Don't you, General Klink?

I know what you mean.

Colonel Hogan, this is
against regulations,

but would you care for a
little schnapps in celebration?

Thanks.

And what does it say in your
little Geneva book about that?

Well, let's see.

Schnapps?

Here it is, page five,
Chapter four, Section one.

"Only the good stuff."

All right, you
got everything?

Map, walkie-talkie.
Oui, Colonel.

All right, what's the
identification code?

Hello, I am
the Big, Bad Wolf.

And they must answer,
"We are Little Red Riding Hood."

It's terrible.
No imagination.

If you wanted
to be a writer,

go into Special Services.

All right, hurry it up
and be careful

and good luck.

Big Bad Wolf calling
Red Riding Hood.

Need your position. Come in.

Come in, Red.

Hey, Red Riding Hood,
stop fooling around.

I'm waiting at M-14.
Where are you?

Goldilocks to Big Bad Wolf,
what's the problem, Wolf?

Can't find
Little Red Riding Hood,

not at M-14. Need help.

Carter, tell Schultz
one of our men is missing.

Went over the wire.

Right, Colonel.

Hey, Schultz!

Schultz!

Schultz, come here.

Schultz, the Colonel
just took count.

There's a man missing.

He went over the wire.

Not so loud.
You are waking everybody up.

I thought you might
want the credit.

Oh, yeah. Danke.

Achtung! Achtung!

Prisoner went over the wire!

Report made
by Sergeant Schultz,

serial number
zwei, sieben, ach...

What took you so long?

Ecoutez-moi.

Commandos... four parachutes.

Comprenez?

Okay, find them.

Find them! Commandos!

Ah, come on, you call yourselves
guard dogs

and you can't find
four lousy commandos?

I'm ashamed of you.

Little Red Riding Hood calling
Big Bad Wolf.

Come in, Big Bad Wolf.

Come in.

Any luck?

No, it's dead.

Perhaps you can do something
with it, Dr. Schneider?

No, no, no. We didn't use
walkie-talkies at Cal Tech.

Somebody's coming.

Dr. Schneider, I presume.

Don't move,
you're covered.

I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm the Big Bad Wolf.

Little Red Riding Hood.

I suppose that's rather
hard to believe, too.

I'm Corporal Lebeau, Stalag 13.

How do you do?

What happened?

The wind blew our
chutes away from M-14

and the radio got smashed.

Write down what I tell you.

Oh, may I see you
a little closer, please?

Stand natural, please.

No, hands at your side.

Thank you.

15½.

15½.

What's that for?

German uniforms.

You're going into Stalag 13
tomorrow in a staff car.

32½.

32½.

You like a belt
or suspenders?

Suspenders.

Figured.

41½.

41½.

Kamerad! Kamerad!

Nicht schiessen!

Come on. Start barking.

You want them to think
you're pussy cats?

Colonel Schneider?

I'm Colonel Klink.

It is a great honor
and privilege

to welcome you to Stalag 13.

Danke Schoen, Klink.

My officers:
Captain Hockenburg,

Lieutenant Brauer,
Lieutenant Smith... berg.

Gentlemen, perhaps
a little refreshment

before the ceremony, hmm?

Jawohl. Excellent.

So far, so good.

Oui, but I wish
we had more time.

Why?

Schneider's uniform needs
a little work around the collar.

On behalf of General Burkhalter
and the Supreme Command,

it is my pleasurable duty
to award you, Wilhelm Klink,

this medal as Kommandant
of the Year.

In addition, Colonel Klink,
it is my privilege

to award you this scroll,

designating your command,
Stalag 13,

as one of the top ten camps
in all Germany.

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

As I look upon the sea
of smiling faces before me,

I'm reminded of a story...

Once upon a time,
there was a little boy

who lived in his home town
of Dusseldorf.

He was a handsome boy,
well liked

by his fellow students
at the gymnasium,

but he had one little problem...

He was not a very good student.

He could not pass his
examination for the law,

for medicine,

not even for bookkeeping.

So, one day, his father said
to this little boy,

"Son," he said, "you are
obviously good for nothing else,

so why don't you join the army?"

Friends and enemies.

Where are you going?

Just going
to see the rocket.

Oh, how nice.
What?

I'll be right back
in just a minute.

I see nothing!
Nothing!

He came to see me play
my first soccer game.

By the end of the half,
it was evident...

Hogan.

Oh, Colonel Hogan.

Schneider?

You put it right there,
and when the bomb explodes,

the concussion will fire
the rocket.

It is teamwork that wins
the war.

We've only got
a couple of minutes.

Make it quick, huh?

Right.

And so I want to thank
each and every one of you

for your cooperation,

and I hope that in the future

we may continue
to work together.

More! More! More!

Good?

You're a smash!

Give 'em a little bit more,

as long as you
got 'em warmed up.

Tell 'em about the time
you stole the girl

away from Goering
at that party.

Come on.

It's going over
with a bang.

One night my good friend
Field Marshal Goering

brought a lovely fraulein
to our officers...

Oh, Major Hauser.

I-I-I was just admiring
your rocket here.

I worked on
the original model.

At the end of the evening,
she even asked me...

Klink is a fine officer,
but hardly a great speechmaker.

My feelings exactly.

Allow me to show you
my baby.

Oh, some other time, Major.

It will only take
one minute.

That's all we have.

In closing, I am reminded
of another little story

which might be appropriate
at this occasion.

It happened in 1938...

Actually, sir, the new type
has many built-in safeguards

against accidental firing.

This device here,
for example,

you cannot turn it
to the alert position

unless all systems
are in working order.

Here, let me show you.

As though nothing
had happened,

and we returned safely
to the base.

I can even press the firing
button with complete safety.

What happened?

I think one of your
rockets is missing.

Colonel, it is a catastrophe!

It is a catastrophe,
Colonel!

This is a catastrophe!

My medal is missing!

Don't worry, Colonel.

We'll make you
a new one.

The entire reputation
of Stalag 13 is destroyed.

Colonel Schneider
is on his way to Berlin.

He will report
to General Burkhalter,

Major Hauser will confirm
the report.

Ah, all is lost.

Oh, cheer up.
You still have me.

Herr Kommandant!

Not now, Schultz.

The Russian front
at this time of year.

I'm catching cold already.

It's very important.

I said not now, Schultz.

Look, you could
always say

the rocket was aimed
at England.

Major Hauser
got a little loaded

and pushed the button.

Do you think a board of inquiry
is going to believe...?

They might, they just might,
it's such an impossible lie.

That's the best kind.

Thank you for your suggestion,
Colonel Hogan.

What are you doing here?

I never went away,
Herr Kommandant.

This is from Berlin.

It is very hot!

I told them not to bother me
with these things.

No! You said aimed
at England, huh?

Mm-hmm.

For your information,

half of the airfield
of Hamburg is missing.

Destroyed.

I must see
Major Hauser at once!

Maybe he has a
better lie than yours.

Another day,
another rocket.

You said England.

They made a big hole
in Hamburg.

Naughty, naughty.

What could I do,
Schultz?

My aim is terrible
when I'm in a hurry.