All language subtitles for Red Dwarf S04E03 Justice

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BEEPING FROM MONITORS)

How are you feeling, Mr Lister?

Much better, thanks, Kryten.
Much, much better.

Well, you certainly
look better. Far better.

I can't believe how much
the swelling's gone down overnight.

-Do you reckon?
-Oh, definitely.

It was almost interfering with
the ceiling fan yesterday afternoon.

You are nearly back
to your old self.

In fact, you can hardly tell
you've got space mumps at all.

So when can I have a mirror?

I don't think we're quite ready for
a mirror just yet, sir.

Let's take it one step
at a time, shall we?

Oh, there, what did I tell you?

It's gone down
eight inches overnight!

You'll be up and about
in no time.

I don't know what I'd have done

without you these
last three weeks, Kryten.

You're like Florence Nightingdroid.

-Did you bring my breakfast?
-Yes, sir.

Hot lager with croutons,
just the way you like, sir.

You certainly find out
who your mates are

when you've got an unsightly,
disfiguring ailment.

Oh, I wouldn't say unsightly, sir.

Get out of town, Kryten.

I've got a head like a hot air balloon.
I'm like the human light bulb.

And how many times
have they visited me?

How many times have
they dropped by with a word of comfort

or a bunch of grapes?

Well, it's just not been possible, sir.

Mr Rimmer has been on vacation.

Vacation?

The world's most charismatic man!
Where did he go?

He's been on a rambling holiday
through the diesel deck, sir.

A 10-day hike through
the ship's combustion engines

with two of the skutters.

He said he'd pop by later
and show you the slides.

-He didn't, did he?
-Well, he's been loading

the projection carousel
for 24 hours now, sir.

Well, you've got to stop him.
A slide show of the diesel decks.

That could really finish me off.

I would have thought the Cat
would've dropped in though.

He's been a bit pre-occupied
of late what with all this pod business.

Oh, screw down my diodes
and call me Frank.

I wasn't supposed to mention it.

What pod?

Oh, now, you're not well, sir.
Now just forget I mentioned it.

Come on, Kryten, what pod?

Yesterday evening,
we came across an escape pod

floating in the local asteroid belt.

It contains the survivor
of some space crash,

apparently cryogenically frozen.

Oh, yeah?

All the signs are she's in a suitable
condition for revival.

-She?
-As far as we can tell she's a she, yes.

That's just great, isn't it?
That's just typical!

The first female company
in three million years,

and I look like something
that belongs up a whale's nose!

smeg!

You can't get up, sir.
What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

There's a woman on board.
I'm on the cop.

So who is she, Holly?

Says on the pod,
Barbara Bellini.

Barbara Bellini.
What a beautiful name!

There's no justice.
How could this happen to me?

Maybe I could wear a turban
and pretend I'm from India.

Maybe you could stick a spike
in your head

and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.

Well, thanks for visiting me, man.
Thanks a lot!

Look at you. Do you know
what you look like? It's nauseating.

You could go double dating

with the Elephant Man and
he would be the looker.

-Why isn't this activated?
-What?

How come no one
started up the thaw process?

CAT: I thought alphabet head did it.

So who is she, man?
Where's she from?

Who cares? At last, a date!

Who says she's gonna be
interested in you?

I see what you're saying.

All this time alone in deep space
could have driven her insane, right?

No. Say she's just an ordinary person
who doesn't go for your type.

I'd have heard about her.

She'd have appeared in
Ripley's Believe it or Not?

Let's say she's interested
in somebody else.

Like who?

I don't know... Like...
Well, like me.

You got a head like a watermelon.

What you gonna do?
Paint it with yellow and black stripes

and tell her you play quarterback
for the Bengals?

Don't you think you're
a little bit cocky for a guy

who's never actually met
a real woman before?

I've seen mirrors. I have eyes.

Let's face it, buddy,
I have a body that makes men wet.

Have you ever heard of
an animal called an Iranian jerd?

-No.
-It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.

So?

That's me in slo-mo.

Put a Black & Decker drill on the end
and I can make it through walls, boy!

Listy, what are you doing up?

Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with
the rest of the cantaloupes?

-Who started the R.P.?
-He did.

You simple-minded gim boy,
didn't I tell you to leave this to me?

Look, what's the problem?
She's in there, let's get her out.

The problem, Pussycat Willem,

is this capsule was ejected
from a prison ship.

A prison ship on
which the convicts mutinied.

There was a pitched battle
with only two survivors.

One prisoner, one guard.
The erstwhile Ms Bellini.

One of those two
got into this pod and escaped.

But, of course,
you'll know all of this

having familiarized yourself
thoroughly with the black box recording.

So if it's not Bellini
in there, then who is it?

One of the prisoners.

And considering that ship
was transporting

40 psychotic, half-crazed,
mass-murdering, super-strong androids,

we thought it prudent
to find out who the smeg was in there

before we woke them up.

With respect, sir, they're not androids.
They're simulants.

What's the difference?

Well, the basic difference

is that an android would never
rips off a human's head

and spit down his neck.

-Can we stop it, Hol?
-What? Oh, no. One-way process.

Well, can't we find out
who's in there by X-raying the pod?

No. Lead lining.
Has to survive in space, doesn't it?

Well, there must be
some way of finding out.

Well there is.

All we have to do is hang
around here for 24 hours.

Then, if you find your limbs
scattered around deep space

and your neck full of saliva,

you can't take it as read,
it probably wasn't Babs.

Why don't we tool up the bazookoids,
wait for the pod to open,

and if it's one of these
bad-ass android dudes, let it eat laser?

simulants are virtually
indestructible, sir.

It could easily withstand a volley
of bazookoid fire at close range

with only minimal damage.

It would certainly survive
long enough to make

balloon animals
out of your lower intestines.

Well, I see no other option.
Let's blast it back into space.

Hang on.
Say it isn't the simulant...

You can't just shoot
an innocent woman into space.

What a dilemma!

Inside this pod
is either death or a date.

Personally,
I'm prepared to take the risk.

Meanwhile, the pod is defrosting

and we still haven't
decided what to do. Holly, any ideas?

Right, here's a possibility.
The black box contains

the co-ordinates of
the penal colony

the prison ship
was heading for.

-So?
-Well, there's bound to be facilities

there to contain any
hostile life form.

If it turns out to be Bellini,
we release her.

If it's a simulant, we can bung him
in a cell and leave him to rot.

If the colony's still there and if
it's still operational.

There's an old android saying,

which I believe has
particular relevance here.

It goes like this, "If you don't gosub
a program loop

you'll never get
a subroutine."

Yeah, we have a human expression
which is pretty similar.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Oh, no, I think the android one
is punchier.

Do you have to sit up here?

It's warmer in the front.
It helps my gunge.

I can't see anything.

Your head keeps getting
in the way of the mirror.

Your head keeps getting
in the way of the windscreen.

Next. Ah, now this one.

We reached this beauty
on the evening of the fourth day.

The Cameron-Mackintosh
40Q-valve, air-cooled diesel,

the 1-8-4.
Almost identical to the 1-7-9,

but have you noticed the difference?

See the refinement
in the funnel-edgings?

I thought, we're never going

to get another chance to
see one of these,

so we bivouacked down
for the night under the fuel pump.

There's a funny story
about that, which I'll tell you later.

But we're not going to get to

any of the class fives
unless we push along. Next!

Another favourite!

Sir, could we take a break
for a while?

It appears my intelligence circuits
have melted.

Well, we're not going to get
through them all, Kryten,

if we take a second break.

Sir, that's gamble
I'm willing to take.

Now, the class 40s.
The first...

(SOGGY EXPLOSION)

Oh, my God!

His head burst.

That is better. That is
so much better! I feel good!

Talk about a weight
off your mind!

I don't wanna live.

Someone, please,
shoot me in the head!

LISTER:
Anything down there, Hol?

HOLLY: No life forms.
Not according to the heat scan.

Any mechanical intelligence?

Yeah, the mainframe's still operational.
Just initiating interface.

Hang about, here we go,
getting a message.

HOLLY: (HUSKY MALE VOICE)
Welcome to Justice World.

(MALE VOICE) Please state your
clearance code and prison officer ident.

We're not a prison ship,
we don't have a clearance code.

We just wanna use your facilities.

(MALE VOICE) State life form inventory.

Four. One hologram,
one mechanoid, two humanoid.

(MALE VOICE) Transfer ship navicom
to my jurisdiction.

Okay, guys!

HOLLY (AS JUSTICE): On landing,
please disembark and proceed through

the Neutral Area to the Clearance Zone.

Until you are granted a clearance code,

please observe all
security requirements.

Your party will be met
by a consignment of escort boots.

Please step into the boots.

CAT: I'm supposed to wear these?

These look like Frankenstein's
hand-me-downs!

Have you got anything
with a Cuban heel or crepe sole?

I can't wear these. I'm a hologram.

JUSTICE: That has been accounted for.

Now what?

God, what's this?

Oh, relax, sir.
It's just a mind-probe.

What's a mind-probe?

The computer was just
searching our minds,

presumably for any evidence
of criminal activity, sir.

What do you mean, criminal activity?

I wouldn't worry about it, sir.
It's just a routine clearance procedure.

Yeah, yeah, but when you say
criminal activity,

what do you mean by criminal activity?

I mean, how criminal
do you mean by criminal?

What're you bleating on about,
Lister?

Just define criminal activity
for me, that's all!

Well, imagine a situation
where someone had committed a crime

and concealed it from the law.

The mind-probe would be able
to uncover that crime

and sentence
that person accordingly.

Why did no one tell me this
before I put the smegging boots on?

Ah, Listy, Listy.
Is that a small sewage plant

you're carrying in your trousers?

Or do I detect
you're a tad concerned?

Well, come on, guys,
everyone's done something in their past

that's been a little bit illegal.

I haven't. I've never so much as
got a parking ticket.

Oh, smegging hell!

So, what did you do?

Well, like scrumping.
When I was a kid back in Liverpool,

we used to always go scrumping.

Stealing apples,
that's hardly a crime, sir.

But me and me mates
we used to go scrumping for cars!

Did you get caught?

All the time, I was stupid.

There's no problem then.
You've already served your punishment.

There were other things
as a kid, though.

Things I didn't get caught for.

Like what?

Well, there was this one time
at this hotel...

Lots of people take towels
from hotels, sir.

I took the bed.

Winched it out of the window
to me mates outside.

I was renting this flat,
you see? It was unfurnished.

You mean to say you went
to a hotel and stole the bed?

I stole the entire room.

Absolutely despicable.
You're a common thief!

I'm not making excuses,
but everyone was doing it.

I wasn't strong enough to go
against the flow.

I wouldn't like to be in your boots
right now, buddy.

Why? What do you think's
gonna happen to me?

Don't worry about it, sir.

I'm sure they're not going
to be interested in

some minor misdemeanor
you committed as an adolescent

over three million years ago.

Seriously, Kryten.
Do you reckon?

Boy, I'm really getting
the hang of this lie mode.

That was totally convincing, wasn't it?

JUSTICE. The mechanoid Kryten.

Clearance granted. You may
go free about the complex.

(BEEPS)

The creature known as Cat.
Clearance granted.

(SQUEALS WITH JOY)

I hear they do good bread
and water here, buddy.

JUSTICE: The human known as Lister.
Despite a number of petty criminal acts,

clearance granted.

The hologram known as Rimmer.

Guilty of second-degree murder.

1,167 counts.

No, there must be some mistake, surely.

JUSTICE: Each count carries a statutory
penalty of 8 years penal servitude.

In the light of
your hologram matic status,

these sentences are to be
served consecutively,

making a total sentence
of 9,328 years.

I've never so much as
returned a library book late!

Second-degree murder? A thousand people?
I would have remembered!

JUSTICE: Your willful negligence
in failing to reseal a drive-plate

resulted in the deaths of
the entire crew

of the Jupiter Mining
Corporation vessel

the Red Dwarf.

Oh, that?

JUSTICE: Sentence to
commence immediately.

You are now leaving the Neutral Area
and entering the Justice Zone.

Beyond this point, it is impossible
to commit any act of injustice.

RIMMER: Help!

LISTER: Hi, killer.

9,000 years. Nine!

I brought you a book.

Oh, thanks, that'll really
help the centuries fly past!

Don't panic, man.
We're gonna get you out of here.

Why bother? I'll be up for parole in
another couple of ice ages.

Kryten reckons you got
the right to an appeal.

He's trying to put
a case together right now.

This isn't a bad place for a prison.

How come there's no locks
or bars or guards or anything?

There doesn't need to be.

The whole prison complex is covered by
something called the Justice Field.

I had to sit through
this tedious lecture.

Apparently, it's physically impossible
to commit any sort of crime here.

-What do you mean?
-Just try to commit a crime, you'll see.

All right, like what?

I don't know, anything. Arson.
Try and set fire to those sheets.

-Okay.
-Go on, try it.

Whatever crime
you try and commit,

the consequences happen to you.

smegging hell!

Nice example, Rimmer!
Nice example!

You could have just explained
that to me verbally.

It's the same with stealing.
The same with everything.

All right, I'm with you.
So if you nick something,

something of yours
goes missing, yeah?

Right. Try it.

No.

You see?
It's the perfect system.

It forces the inmates
to adhere to the law.

Once they get out,
it's become second nature.

Good news. The Justice computer
has sanctioned a retrial.

I think we have
a very strong case.

-You do?
-It's simply a question of

differentiating between
guilt and culpability, sir.

What the mind-probe detected

was your own sense of guilt
about the accident.

In a way, you tried
and convicted yourself.

I simply have to establish

that you are a neurotic, underachieving
emotional retard,

whose ambition far outstrips
his minuscule ability.

And consequently
blames himself for an accident

for which he could not possibly
have been responsible.

You're going to prove that

I was innocent of negligence
on the grounds that

I'm a half-witted incompetent?

Man, there ain't a jury in the land that
wouldn't buy a plea like that.

Well, no, not a half-wit exactly.
More a buffoon.

But how would you begin
to build such a case?

Where would you conjure up the evidence?

Sir, providing I could have complete,
free access to your personal data files,

I think I could come up
with the outline of a winning case by

lunchtime.

KRYTEN: The mind-probe
was created to detect guilt.

Yet, in the case
of Arnold Judas Rimmer,

the guilt it detected
attaches to no crime.

He held a position of little
or no importance on Red Dwarf.

He was a lowly grease-monkey,
a zero, a nothing.

A piece of sputum floating
in the toilet bowl of life.

KRYTEN: Yet he could
never come to terms

with a lifetime
of underachievement.

His absurdly inflated ego
would never permit it.

He's like the security guard
on the front gate

who considers himself
head of the corporation.

So when the crew were
wiped out by a nuclear accident,

Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame.

It was his ship, ergo his fault.

I ask the court, look at this man.

This man who sat and failed

his astronavigation exam
on no less than 13 occasions.

This sad man, this pathetic man,
this joke of a man,

-this...
-Kryten, you're going over the top!

The court will never buy it.

Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on
proving you're a dork.

Understood.

I call my first witness.

Name?

Dave Lister.

Occupation?

Bum.

Would you describe the accused
as a friend?

Take the fifth!

Now, please answer the question.

You are under polygraphic surveillance.

Would you describe
the accused as a friend?

Nah, I'd describe the accused
as a git.

Who would you say then is the person
who thinks of him most fondly?

I do.

And are there no others who've
shared moments of intimacy with him?

Only one.
But she's got a puncture.

Objection!

JUSTICE: Overruled.

So you wouldn't describe him
as a man with a good social life?

No. He partied less
than Rudolf Hess.

He was totally dedicated to his career.
He was in charge of Z Shift, you see,

and it occupied his
every waking moment.

And what was Z Shift's
most important duty?

Well, we had a lot of
important duties on the ship.

But I guess our most
vital responsibility

was making sure
the vending machines

didn't run out of
fun-size Crunchie bars.

Can you ever envisage a situation

where the lack of honey-comb Centre
chocolate bars

might be the direct cause
of a lethal radiation leak?

Not off the top
of my head, no.

You may sit down.

I ask the court
one key question.

Would the Space Corps ever have allowed

this man to be
in a position of authority,

where he might endanger
the entire crew?

A man so petty and small-minded,
he would while away

his evenings sewing name labels
on to his ship-issue condoms?

A man of such
awesome stupidity...

Objection!

JUSTICE: Objection overruled.

A man of such awesome stupidity,

he even objects to
his own defense counsel.

An overzealous, trumped-up
little squirt...

-Objection!
-JUSTICE: Overruled.

An incompetent vending machine
repairman with a Napoleon complex

who commanded as much respect

and affection from
his fellow crew members,

as Long John Silver's parrot.

Objection!

JUSTICE: If you object to
your own counsel

once more, Mr Rimmer,
you'll be in contempt.

Who would permit this man,
this joke of a man,

this man who could not
outwit a used tea bag,

to be in a position where he might
endanger the entire crew?

Who? Only a yogurt!

This man is not guilty
of manslaughter.

He is only guilty of being
Arnold J. Rimmer.

That is his crime.
It is also his punishment.

The defense rests.

JUSTICE: The verdict on the defendant
will now be passed.

In view of your counsel's
eloquent defense

together with the reams
of material evidence

he submitted on computer card,
this court accepts that in your case,

the mind-probe is not an
adequate method of ascertaining guilt.

It is not possible for you

to have committed the crimes
for which you blame yourself,

and you may therefore go free.

Objection!

Sir, what are you
objecting to now?

I want an apology.

Brilliant, Kryten.
What can I say? You were brilliant.

You even had me believing it.

The way you twisted the facts to
make them fit this pattern.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I don't know what made us want

to come to this hellhole
in the first place.

I do.

Mmm. Can I smell perfume?

I doubt it.

Are you by any chance
Barbara Bellini?

I didn't think so!

(WEAPON FIRING)

What's going on?

(WEAPON FIRING)

CAT: To think I caressed his pod!

(EXPLOSION)

JUSTICE: You are now entering
the Justice Zone.

Beyond this point it is impossible
to commit any act of injustice.

You are now entering
the Justice Zone.

Beyond this point it is impossible
to commit any act of injustice.

SIMULANT: Hey, my friends!

I don't want any trouble.

I just want your spacecraft.
Give me the start-up code.

Look, I have no weapon.

What're you waiting for?
Gloop him!

I can't. He's not armed.

Lister, this is not a scout meeting.

We're not trying to win
Best-Behaved Troop Flag.

Gloop him!

-What, in the back?
-Of course in the back!

It's only a pity he's awake.

You mean you could happily
kill him if he was asleep?

I could happily kill him
if he was on the job.

Gloop him!

It's immoral.

SIMULANT: Come on, my friends.

You wouldn't shoot
an unarmed droid.

Come out, and let's discuss it.

I'm gonna go and talk to him.

You wanna talk? Let's talk.

-You have no weapons?
-LISTER: No.

You have no weapon?

No.

Guess what?

I lied.

LISTER: Guess what?

So did I.

But I lied...

Twice.

I didn't think of that.

I'm very glad you didn't.

What do you wanna talk about?

Your death.

Your imminent death.

(FIRES GUN)

(GUNFIRE)

What the smeg is going on?

(THUD)

(GROANS)

Matey! Hit me on the head with this.

Malfunction. Does not compute.

-(CRACK)
-Malfunction.

Malfunction.

(GAGGING)

I've got him, buddy!
Leave this to me!

-Cat, no! No!
-Better late than never!

(LAUGHS)

Makes you think though,
doesn't it?

I mean, mankind's history
has been one long search for justice.

That's what all religions are about.

I mean, they accept life
as being basically unfair

and promise that everyone
will get their just desserts later,

heaven, hell, karma,
reincarnation, whatever.

Those guys who built
that penal colony,

they tried to bring some order
to the universe

by creating the Justice Field.

But when you're living in
an environment where justice does exist,

you have no free will.

That's why in our universe,

you can never have true,
natural justice, guy.

Good things will happen to bad people

and bad things will
happen to good people.

It's the way it's got to be.
Life by its own nature

has to be cruel and unkind
and unfair...

(CRASH)

(SPLASH)

Thank God for that.

# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly
far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #