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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:03,156
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,180 --> 00:00:07,116
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:11,516
♪ But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
4
00:00:11,540 --> 00:00:16,516
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
5
00:00:16,540 --> 00:00:19,316
♪ And I need you today
6
00:00:19,340 --> 00:00:21,500
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
7
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:28,940
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
8
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Hiya.
9
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,396
Is it Sergei?
10
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:40,580
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Yes. You do Airbnb?
11
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:43,180
Come in.
12
00:00:44,820 --> 00:00:46,380
Never done it before.
13
00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:51,156
A bit strapped for cash.
14
00:00:51,180 --> 00:00:53,580
This is the living room.
15
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:57,340
Is that a blow-up chair? Yeah.
16
00:00:59,180 --> 00:01:01,716
It deflates after a couple of hours,
but...
17
00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:03,436
AIR ESCAPING FROM CHAIR
18
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:05,900
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yes.
19
00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:15,260
Show you the lav.
20
00:01:19,740 --> 00:01:20,980
This is the lav.
21
00:01:26,740 --> 00:01:28,420
This will be your room.
22
00:01:30,780 --> 00:01:33,380
It does not look like photo
on Airbnb.
23
00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:38,100
I put a filter on it.
24
00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:42,916
Never mind, I will take room.
It is very convenient.
25
00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:44,796
Right. Do you want me
to get your bags?
26
00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:46,196
No!
27
00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:47,716
Do not touch bags.
28
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:51,340
In fact, better you do not touch
any of my things while I'm here.
29
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:53,620
Suit yourself.
30
00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:57,636
So, are you here
on your holidays, then?
31
00:01:57,660 --> 00:01:59,836
Er, yes. Holidays.
32
00:01:59,860 --> 00:02:02,196
I could show you around,
if you like.
33
00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:03,716
Whereabouts did you want to go?
34
00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:05,196
Salisbury.
35
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:08,476
Did you know clock tower
is over 200 years old?
36
00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:09,876
No, I didn't know that, no.
37
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:13,476
I would also like to visit GCHQ.
Ooh!
38
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,396
Never been to GCHQ.
39
00:02:15,420 --> 00:02:16,980
I've heard it's lovely.
40
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:21,660
Can I come with you?
41
00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:25,340
I've got a two-for-one railcard.
42
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UPTEMPO MUSIC
43
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RADIO: Police are investigating
a series of suspicious deaths
44
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in London yesterday with bodies...
45
00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,476
TURNS OFF
46
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,356
Sergei.
47
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Sergei?
48
00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:59,876
I've got something
I'd like to say to you.
49
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:03,796
Yes, please. There is something
I'd like to say to you also.
50
00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:06,476
You go first. No, you go first!
51
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,356
After three,
we'll both say it together.
52
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,876
One, two, three.
53
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,350
I think I'm in love with you.
I wish to marry you.
54
00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:20,516
Oh, Sergei!
Let's not rush into things.
55
00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:23,796
Let's just get to know each other
first. Yes, please.
56
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:28,316
I long to know everything about you
and your decadent culture.
57
00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:31,756
Well, my favourite programme's
Bargain Hunters.
58
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:35,116
I do not know this programme.
You don't know Bargain Hunters?!
59
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:38,196
It's only what Raiders Of The
Lost Ark could've been.
60
00:03:38,220 --> 00:03:41,660
Well, tell me about you, Sergei.
What you like, what you dislike.
61
00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:44,036
I like strong leaders
62
00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:47,436
and the resurgence of Russia
on the world stage.
63
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:51,996
I dislike liberalism, R&B and eggs.
64
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:53,060
Eggs?
65
00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:55,996
Well, these were a waste of time.
66
00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:58,940
Oh, Mandy. I love you. Marry me.
67
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,076
Oh, Sergei!
68
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:06,356
I like you. You're dead fit
and you've got a lovely tracksuit,
69
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,956
but it will never work out.
70
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:10,236
We're from different worlds,
you and I.
71
00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:12,156
Please, Mandy. I love you.
72
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:13,756
I know you so well.
73
00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,876
I know your favourite programme
is Bargain Hunters.
74
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,276
Your favourite cigarette, Silk Cut.
75
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:22,476
Your favourite fingernail color,
minty pig.
76
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,996
You believe in UFOs,
77
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:27,516
and one day you aspire
to breed Doberman Pinschers.
78
00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:29,556
Oh, Sergei,
79
00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:31,676
you do know the real me!
80
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:35,556
Oh! I've had a lovely time
these last few days.
81
00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:37,940
Go on. I will. I will marry you.
82
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:43,956
Say something in your own language.
83
00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:46,796
I won't understand, but I'd just
like to hear it.
84
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,540
IN RUSSIAN:
85
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:26,700
Such a beautiful language.
86
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:30,436
Are you sure you're doing the right
thing, marrying this man?
87
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,996
You've only just met him!
I'm telling you, Lola,
88
00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:34,236
he's the one for me.
89
00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:37,556
He knows me so well. It's like he's
read a file on me or something!
90
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:40,516
Look at that dress. It's perfect.
91
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:41,996
It's beautiful.
92
00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:45,716
But a dress like this will cost
hundreds of pounds.
93
00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:47,476
Can you lend me the money?
94
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:48,796
I'll give it you back.
95
00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:51,870
I'll just leave the tag in
and take it back after the wedding.
96
00:05:58,060 --> 00:05:59,660
It's beautiful!
97
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:04,276
You look like the
Duchess of Fergie, in her prime.
98
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:07,396
I want the wedding to be artistic
but accessible.
99
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:09,460
You know,
like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
100
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:13,876
I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
101
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:16,396
That's Shaun Ryder
from Happy Mondays.
102
00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:17,596
Yeah, it is.
103
00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:19,700
It says, "I am married to
Shaun Ryder."
104
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:22,876
Yeah, I am.
105
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:25,036
A tattoo that says,
"I am married to Shaun Ryder"
106
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:27,500
could be a problem
when you marry Sergei.
107
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:32,420
This is my big special day, Lola.
I want this dress!
108
00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:36,430
Why did you never tell me
you were married to Shaun Ryder?
109
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,836
It were 1998.
110
00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,820
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays
111
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:45,636
♪ You're twisting my melon, man... ♪
112
00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:49,396
Chinese Airlines flight 676
had crashed,
113
00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:52,300
killing all 342 people on board.
114
00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:55,916
Pete Sampras had just won
the tennis.
115
00:06:55,940 --> 00:06:58,996
COMMENTATOR: Pete's done it! Pete
Sampras has done it. He's won the tennis.
116
00:06:59,020 --> 00:07:02,796
And Black Grape
were just coming to an end.
117
00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:06,596
There were three of us in this
marriage, so it were a bit crowded.
118
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:10,156
So, one night, I snuck into his
hotel room, found him in bed.
119
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,236
Threw back the sheets.
120
00:07:12,260 --> 00:07:14,020
I knew Bez had been there.
121
00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:16,756
I'd simply had enough.
122
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,780
He loved that man more than
he loved me, so I walked away.
123
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:23,876
But he never got over me.
124
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,700
How could he, once he'd had
a slice of this cake?
125
00:07:28,260 --> 00:07:31,076
Anyway, I can't afford this laser
tattoo removal.
126
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,836
Oh, your story has touched my heart.
127
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,396
I will do it for you.
128
00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:39,380
Oh, will you, Lola?
That's so kind of you. For £30.
129
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,356
I don't have one of these
laser tings, unfortunately.
130
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:47,300
It's OK, I will use this instead.
131
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,876
Will it hurt? I don't think so.
132
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:53,180
But you may need
to bite down on this.
133
00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:57,780
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
134
00:07:59,820 --> 00:08:02,620
May the Lord guide my hand.
135
00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:10,620
MUFFLED SCREAMING
136
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,620
Jesus Christ!
137
00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:17,756
INDISTINCT
138
00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:19,156
What did you say, darling?
139
00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:22,916
INDISTINCT
140
00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:25,180
I said it smells like pork.
141
00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:32,580
Thanks again, Lola.
142
00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,900
How does it look?
143
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:38,540
I'll get you some Germolene.
144
00:08:45,380 --> 00:08:47,780
MUSIC: Suddenly
by Angry Anderson
145
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:04,060
♪ I only dreamed that I would find
146
00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:11,700
♪ A loving heart, an open mind
147
00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:15,756
♪ To see the real me
148
00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:21,300
♪ And I hoped that you would be
the one
149
00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:31,420
♪ A chance to talk, a chance to grow
150
00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:40,316
♪ I'll take the risk,
let my feelings flow
151
00:09:40,340 --> 00:09:46,740
♪ I've found the words
I need to say... ♪
152
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:53,516
If any person present knows
any lawful impediment
153
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:57,876
to this marriage,
he or she should declare it now.
154
00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:59,436
Stop!
155
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:02,556
In the name of the Father and
the Holy Ghost, stop the wedding!
156
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:05,236
Oh, fuckin' hell, Shaun.
Who is this man?
157
00:10:05,260 --> 00:10:08,596
Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays
and Celebrity Gogglebox.
158
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:10,796
We're still married! Prove it.
159
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:13,700
You want proof? Here's proof.
160
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:19,076
Show 'em your back, Mandy,
161
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:21,500
the matching tattoo you had
done of me. Show 'em.
162
00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:23,837
GASPING
163
00:10:23,861 --> 00:10:24,900
Oh, God!
164
00:10:29,580 --> 00:10:31,716
Can we please get on with wedding?
165
00:10:31,740 --> 00:10:33,276
If any person present...
166
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,516
DOOR OPENS
167
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:37,356
Armed police! Armed police!
Sergei Molotov, get down!
168
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:39,396
Get down on the ground!
169
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:41,836
Drop it, or I'll shoot!
170
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:44,076
Ha! You won't shoot me.
171
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,036
You English with your rules,
172
00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:49,836
with your Oxford-Cambridge,
and your boat race,
173
00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:53,436
and your PG Tips
and your Fry and Laurie.
174
00:10:53,460 --> 00:10:55,036
I'm Shaun Ryder.
175
00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:58,900
So long as there's breath in my
body, evil will not prevail.
176
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,916
Let's wrap this up.
177
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:32,340
I have a civil partnership at 4:45.
178
00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,156
Civil partnership?!
179
00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:37,756
Oh, how liberal!
180
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,460
I've got a clear shot.
181
00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:44,820
I'm taking the shot.
182
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,260
INAUDIBLE
183
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:07,076
Oh, my God, this is terrible!
184
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,476
I'm never going to get my money
back on the dress now.
185
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,780
For God's sake, call an ambulance!
186
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:15,260
And the dry cleaners!
187
00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:20,156
Your back scab was thick enough
to stop the bullet?
188
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:21,796
It's my lucky back scab, Lola.
189
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:24,236
I'm going to keep it forever
and use it as an ashtray.
190
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:26,956
I cannot believe Sergei
was working for Putin.
191
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:31,236
Well, in hindsight,
he was a bit shifty.
192
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:34,316
Then why did you take a bullet
for him?
193
00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:36,156
What can I say?
194
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:37,740
I love a bastard.
195
00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:42,700
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