All language subtitles for Horse.Feathers.1932.1080p.BluRay.x264-SiNNERS-English

(HORSE WHINNIES)

And so,

in retiring as president
of this college,

it is indeed a painful task
to bid you all good-bye.

And now,
with the utmost pleasure,

may I present to you
the man who is to guide

the destinies of this
great institution.

Professor Quincy
Adams Wagstaff.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Professor, it is indeed
an honor to welcome you
to Huxley College.

Never mind that.
Hold this coat.

By the way,
Professor,

there is no smoking.

That's what you say.

It would please the
faculty if you would
throw your cigar away.

The faculty members
might just as well
keep their seats.

There'll be no diving
for this cigar.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Members of the faculty,
faculty members,

students of Huxley
and Huxley students.

I guess that
covers everything.

I thought my razor was dull
until I heard his speech.

And that reminds me
of a story that's so dirty,

I'm ashamed
to think of it myself.

As I look out
over your eager faces,

I can readily understand
why this college
is flat on its back.

The last college
I presided over,

things were
slightly different.

I was flat on my back.

Things kept going
from bad to worse,

but we all put our
shoulders to the wheel,

and it wasn't long before
I was flat on my back again.

Any questions?
Any answers?

Any rags? Any bones?

Any bottles today
Any rags...

(BANGS GAVEL)
Let's have some
action around here.

Who'll say 76?
Who'll say 1776?

That's the spirit, 1776.

No doubt you would like
to know why I'm here.

I came into this college
to get my son out of it.

I remember the day
he left to come here,

a mere boy
and a beardless youth.

I kissed them both
good-bye.

By the way,
where is my son?

Young lady,

would you mind getting up
so I can see the son rise?

So, doing your homework
in school, eh?

Hello, old-timer.

My dear Professor,

I'm sure the students
would appreciate

a brief outline of your
plans for the future.

What?
I said the students
would appreciate

a brief outline of your
plans for the future.

You just said that.

That's the trouble
around here.

Talk, talk, talk.

Oh, sometimes
I think I must go mad.

Where will it all end?
What is it getting you?

Why don't you go
home to your wife?

I'll tell you what,
I'll go home to your wife.

And outside of
the improvements,

she'll never know
the difference.

Pull over to the side
of the road there

and let me see your
marriage license.

President Wagstaff,

now that you have
stepped into my shoes...

Oh, is that
what I stepped in?

I wondered what it was.

If these are your shoes,
the least you could do
is have them cleaned.

The trustees have
a few suggestions they
would like to submit to you.

I think you know
what the trustees can
do with their suggestions.

(PLAYS NOTE)

I don't know what
they have to say

It makes no difference anyway

Whatever it is
I'm against it
(BANGS GAVEL)

No matter what it is
or who commenced it

I'm against it

Your proposition
may be good

But let's have
one thing understood

Whatever it is

I'm against it

And even when you've
changed it or condensed it

I'm against it

I'm opposed to it

On general principles
I'm opposed to it

ALL: He's opposed to it

In fact, it seems
that he's opposed to it

For months before
my son was born

I used to yell
from night till morn

Whatever it is
I'm against it

And I've kept yelling
since I first commenced it

I'm against it

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Knowing Dad as I do

I'd not advise you
to displease him

Or tease him
No, no

Don't double-cross him

Or toss him around

When dear old Dad

Once gets mad

He's a hound

My son is right
I'm quick to fight

I'm from
a fighting clan

When I'm abused
or badly used

I always get my man

No matter if he's in Peru
Paducah or Japan

I go ahead, alive or dead
I always get my man

ALL: Oh, what a whiz
this fellow is

A will like his is rare
For he's a square American

I soon dispose of all of those
who put me on the pan

Like Shakespeare
said to Nathan Hale,
I always get my man

ALL: He always gets his man

That's what I said

ALL: He always gets his man

That's what I mean

ALL: He always gets his man

You're telling me

ALL: He always gets his man

Oh, are you listening

ALL: He gets his man

He gets his man

I always get
I always get

I always get
I always get

I always get
I always get

I always get

My man!

Splendid, Professor.

Congratulations,
Professor.

Wonderful, Professor.
Marvelous, Professor.

Alright, scram, boys.
I'll meet you in the
barbershop.

Dad, let me
congratulate you.
I'm proud to be your son.

My boy, you took the words
right out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to be
your father.

You're a disgrace to
our family name of Wagstaff,
if such a thing is possible.

What's all this talk I hear
about you fooling around
with a college widow?

No wonder you can't
get out of college.

Twelve years
in one college.

I went to three colleges in
12 years and fooled around
with three college widows.

When I was your age,
I went to bed
right after supper.

Sometimes I went to bed
before supper.

Sometimes I went
without my supper and
didn't go to bed at all.

A college widow stood for
something in those days.

In fact,
she stood for plenty.

There's nothing wrong
between me and
the college widow.

There isn't, huh?
Then you're crazy to
fool around with her.

Oh, but you don't know...
I don't wanna talk to you
about this again, you snob.

I'd horsewhip you
if I had a horse.

You may go now.

Leave your name
and address
with the girl outside.

If anything turns up,
we'll get in touch with you.

Where you going?
You just told me to go.

So that's what they
taught you in college.

Just when I tell you
to go, you leave me.

You can't leave a schoolroom
without raising your hand,
no matter where you're going.

Dad, this college has
had a new president
every year since 1888.

Yeah.
And that's the year we won
our last football game.

Now, I like education
as well as the
next fellow...

Well, move over
and I'll talk to
the next fellow.

But a college needs
something else
besides education.

What this college needs
is a good football team.

And you can't have
a good football team

unless you have good
football players.

My boy,
I think you've got
something there,

and I'll wait outside
until you clean it up.

I know it's dangerous,
but I'm gonna ask you
one more question.

Where do you get
good football players?

Well, in the
speakeasy down...
In a speakeasy?

Isn't that against the law?
Selling football players
in a speakeasy?

Dad, two of the greatest
football players
in the country

hang out in the
speakeasy downtown.

Are you suggesting
that I, the president
of Huxley College,

go into a speakeasy
without even giving
me the address?

It's at 42 Elm Street,
but you can't go there.
It's unethical.

It isn't right for a college
to buy football players.

It isn't, eh? Well,
I'll nip that in the bud.

How about coming along
and having a nip yourself?

Or better still,
you wait here.

Anything further, Father?
"Anything further, Father?"

That can't be right. Isn't it,
"Anything, Father, further?"

The idea.

I married your mother
because I wanted children.

Imagine my disappointment
when you arrived.

(PLAYS NOTE)

And I've kept yelling
since I first commenced it

I'm against it

Well, that's
my proposition, boys.
How about it?

Well, it's
okay with us,
Mr. Jennings,

but how are you
gonna fix it?

Don't worry about that.
It's fixed already.

You boys will be
entered as regular
Darwin students

and play in the
Thanksgiving Day
game against Huxley.

Yeah, but how
about the dough?

Well, here's a little
chicken feed to start with.

You'll get the balance
right after the game.

With you boys
playing for Darwin,
Huxley can't win.

(CHUCKLES)
You said it.

Well, here's to
dear old Darwin.

All right, boys.
Let's go.

Bye, Ed.
So long.

Baravelli!

EDGAR: Baravelli!
Hey, Baravelli!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Yes, lady, this is Baravelli
the iceman speaking.
What do you want?

Ah, one quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
I see if I got 'em.

One quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Okay, lady,
I send 'em right over.

Hey, Baravelli!

EDGAR: Hey, Baravelli.

What do you want?
Watch the door
for few minutes.

And don't let
anyone in without
the password.

All right.
What is it?
"Swordfish" is the password.

Do you understand?
Okay, I got it.

Well, what is it?
Password.

Swordfish!
Swordfish!

All right.
Swordfish, swordfish.
Ah!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(KNOCKING)

Who are you?
I'm fine, thanks.
Who are you?

I'm fine too, but
you can't come in unless
you give the password.

Well, what is the
password?
Oh, no.
You gotta tell me.

I tell you what I do.
I give you three guesses.

It's the name
of a fish.

Is it Mary?

(LAUGHS)
That's no fish.

She isn't?
Well, she drinks
like one.

Let me see.
Is it sturgeon?

Eh, you crazy.

Sturgeon is a doctor
who cuts you open
when you sick.

Now, I give you
one more chance.

I got it,
haddock.

That's funny.
I got a haddock
too.

What do you take
for a haddock?
Well, sometimes
I take aspirin.

Sometimes
I take a calomel.

I'd walk a mile
for a calomel.

You mean chocolate
calomel. I like that too,
but you no guess it.

What's the matter?
You don't understand
English?

You can't come in here
unless you say "swordfish."

Now, I give you
one more guess.

Swordfish, swordfish.
I think I got it.

Is it swordfish?
That's it.
You guess it.

Pretty good, huh?
Fine. You guess it.

What do you want?
I wanna come in.

What's the password?
Oh, you no fool me.
Swordfish.

No, I got tired of that.
I changed it.

What's the password now?

I forgot it. I'd better
come outside with you.

(BARKING)

Say, buddy, could you
help me out? I'd like
to get a cup of coffee.

Hey, here comes
my partner.

Hey, Pinky,
you know the password?

(PIANO PLAYING)

Get up. That's no way
to go into a speakeasy.
That's the way you come out.

Hey, what'll
you have?

(WHISTLING)

He take a Scotch.
Right. Draw two.

I got it.
Swordfish.

Go outside
and see if it works.

Cut the cards.

Now, let's get down
to business.

I'm looking for
two football players
who always hang around here.

We always hang
around here, but...
That's all I wanted to know.

I'm Professor Wagstaff
of Huxley College.
That means nothing to me.

It doesn't mean
anything to me either.
I'll try it over again.

I'm Professor Huxley
of Wagstaff College.

Well, you didn't stay
at the other college
very long.

You're heading for
a breakdown. Why don't
you pull yourself to pieces.

I'll talk it over
with my partner.

Hey, hey!

(RINGING)

In case I never see
you again, which would
add 10 years to my life,

what would you fellows
want to play football?
First, we want a football.

I don't know if
we've got a football.

But if I can find one,
would you be interested?

I don't want
a hasty answer.
Just sleep on it.

I don't think
I can sleep
on a football.

Who's gonna settle
for these drinks?

You're stuck.

Can you cash a check
for $15.22?
Sure.

Five, 10, 15 and 22.

Thanks. As soon as
I get a check for $15.22,

I'll send it to you.
Swordfish.

Oh, Laura.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Wagstaff.

Am I too early?
No. Shall I tell
Miss Bailey you're here?

I'll tell her myself.
Give me the tray.
All right.

Will you open the door?

Oh!
Your breakfast,
madam.

Anything else?
Yes. You can put some
cream in my coffee,

and tell me where
you've been for the
last couple of days.

I've been busy arguing
with Dad about you.
Oh.

How many?
Two.

Well, what about me?
Dad wants me
to give you up.

You know,
you're interfering
with my studies.

(LAUGHING)
He must think
I'm terrible.

Well, I think
you're wonderful.
You're beautiful.

Are you
making love to me?
Why not?

Everyone says
I love you

The cop on the corner
and the burglar too

The preacher in the pulpit
and the man in the pew

Says I love you

Everyone, no matter who

The folks over 80
and the kid of two

The captain and the sailor
and the rest of the crew

Says I love you

There are only
eight little letters
in this phrase

You'll find

But they mean a lot more
than all the other words

Combined

Everywhere
the whole world through

The king in the palace
and the peasant too

The tiger in the jungle
and the monk in the zoo

Says I love you

(WHISTLING)

(HONKING)

Get that crate
out of here!

What do you think
this is, a picnic?

Well, this ain't
gonna be any picnic.

Blocking traffic,
holding up cars. Who
do you think you are?

Bah!

What are you...
Do you know what
I'm gonna do to you?

Say, you're a wise
guy, ain't ya?
Let go of that club!

Do you see that badge?

(BARKING)

(HONKING CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Come on!
Open this door,
you hear?

Open this door!
(BARKING)

And I say to you,
gentlemen, that this
college is a failure.

The trouble is
we're neglecting
football for education.

BOTH: Exactly.
The Professor is right.

I'm right, am I?
Well, I'm not right.
I'm wrong.

I just said that
to test you.

Now I know where I'm at.

I'm dealing with
a couple of snakes.

What I meant to say was that
there's too much football
and not enough education.

BOTH: That's what I think.

Oh, you do, do you?
Well, you're wrong again.

If there was a snake here,
I'd apologize.

Where would this college
be without football?

Have we got a stadium?
BOTH: Yes.

Have we got a college?
BOTH: Yes.

We can't support both.
Tomorrow we start
tearing down the college.

BOTH: But, Professor,
where will the students sleep?

Where they always sleep.
In the classroom.

Oh, Professor, the Dean of
Science wants to know
how soon you can see him.

He says he's tired
of cooling his heels
out here.

Tell him I'm cooling
a couple of heels in here.

Where were we?
Oh, yes.

How much am I
paying you fellows?

5,000, a year.
But we've
never been paid.

Well, in that case,
I'll raise you to 8,000,
and a bonus.

Bring your dog around,
I'll give him a bonus too.

The dean is furious.
He's waxing wrath.

Is Roth out there too?
Tell Roth to wax
the dean for a while.

Guess that's bad, huh?

One more thing,
Professor.
It's about your son.

I'm afraid he's paying
too little attention
to his studies

and too much
to Connie Bailey,
the college widow.

He is, eh?
I'll put a stop to that.
I'll call her up right now.

Have either of you weasels
got her phone number?

BOTH: No!
Well, it's a good thing
I've got it.

Get me Maine 49970
and reverse the charges.

You may go now.

Drop this in the mailbox
on your way out.

(BUZZING)

Hello.
I wanna speak
to Miss Bailey.

Is this Miss Bailey?

Mmm-hmm.

Why, of course
I know your son.

Why, that's silly.
We're just very
good friends.

But, Professor,
I don't understand.

You don't, eh?
Well, I wanna see you.
Come right over to my office.

You can't?
You're in bed?

Well, in that case,
I'll come over
to your office.

That's a fine way
to carry ice.
Where are your tongs?

Looks like a tong war.

Well, that's the last time
we deliver ice unless
you pay the bill.

How much
do we owe you?
$2,000.

$2,000, for ice?

I can get an Eskimo
for $200 and
make my own ice.

I can do for you,
I make you proposition.

You owe us $200.
We take 2,000
and call it square.

That's not a bad idea.
I'll tell you.
I'll consult my lawyer,

and if he advises
me to do it,
I'll get a new lawyer.

Why don't you
forget about the money.

Go to college, meet
all the beautiful girls.
Get yourself a co-ed.

Ha! I got a co-ed.

Last week for $18
I got a co-ed with
two pair of pants.

Since when has a co-ed
got two pair of pants?
Since I joined the college.

Baravelli, you've got
the brain of a
four-year-old boy,

and I bet he was glad
to get rid of it.

Well, now that
you're a college boy,
here's your hat.

Here's your pennant.
Here's your coat.

Alright, report
for football practice
in the morning.

Now, I want you to
sign this agreement.

Hey, there's nothing
on this paper.

That's all right.
We'll fill in
something later.

Put your name
on there, huh?

Gee, I didn't know
you could write.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This isn't legal.

There's no seal on it.
Where's the seal?

Where's the seal?
Where's the seal?

Where's the seal?
Where's the seal?

BOTH: Where's the seal?

(BARKING)

And thus we see that
the function of the
respiratory system

is to transmit oxygen
into the bloodstream.

This process,
which is called osmosis...

Have they started sawing
a woman in half yet?

Oh, Mr. President,
this is indeed a pleasure.

What brings you here?

A bicycle,
but I left it
out in the hall.

Have you got two empty
dunce chairs? I brought
you two empty dunces.

Come in, dunces.
Here they are.
Ten cents a dunce.

Well, all you
need now is
a bowl of cherries.

Find yourselves
a couple of seats.

Now, let us go on
with our lecture.

I wish you'd go on
without your lecture.

What do you think
of that slide?

Well, I think
he was safe at second,
but it was very close.

Now let us examine
the circulatory system.

Here is the liver.

What, no bacon?
I'd send that back
if I were you.

"The liver,
if neglected, invariably
leads to cirrhosis."

Of course, you are
all familiar with
the symptoms of cirrhosis.

Sure.

"So-roses are red,
so-violets are blue,

"so-sugar is sweet,
so-so are you."

(GROANS)
I can't see him,
but I bet I know who it is.

"For the protection
of the heart, or cardium,

"Mother Nature
has provided a sac
called the pericardium."

Any questions?

Yes. When you gonna
cut the watermelon open?

"Psychopathically,
the duodenum is
in inverse ratio

"to the coordination
of the planephas."

Is this stuff on the level
or are you just making
it up as you go along?

My feet are getting
tired from this walk.

Why, everything I told you
can be found in the simplest
textbook on anatomy.

I'm sure my students
will bear me out.

We bear you out.

And let that be a lesson
to every one of you.

This school was here
before you came, and it'll
be here before you go.

And you, too,
you numbskull.

You've got some nerve.
Leave me alone.

Let us follow
a corpuscle
on its journey.

Oh, my mistake.
I thought I was a corpuscle.

As you know, there is
constant warfare between
the red and white corpuscles.

Now, then, baboons,
what is a corpuscle?

BARAVELLI: That's easy.

First it's a captain,
then it's a lieutenant,
then it's a corpuscle.

That's fine. Why don't you
bore a hole in yourself
and let the sap run out?

We now find ourselves
among the Alps.

The Alps are a very simple
people living on a diet of
rice and old shoes.

Beyond the Alps
lies more Alps.

And the Lord Alps those
that Alps themselves.

We then come
to the bloodstream.

The blood rushes
from the head
down to the feet,

gets a look at those feet
and rushes back
to the head again.

This is known
as Auction Pinochle.

WAGSTAFF: Now, in studying
your basic metabolism,

we first listen
to your hearts beat.

If your hearts beat
anything but
diamonds and clubs,

it's because your partner
is cheating or your wife.

Now, take this point,
for instance.

That reminds me.
I haven't seen
my son all day.

Well, the human body
takes many strange forms.

Now, here is
a most unusual organ.

The organ will play
a solo immediately after
the feature picture.

WAGSTAFF: Scientists
make these deductions
by examining a rat

or your landlord
who won't cut the rent.

And what do they find?
Asparagus.

Now, on closer examination...

Hmm. This needs
closer examination.

In fact,
it needs a nightgown.

Baravelli,
who's responsible for this?
Is this your picture?

I don't think so.
It doesn't look like me.

Well, take it out
of here immediately and
hang it up in my bedroom.

Now then, out with it.
Who did it?

WAGSTAFF:
Oh, so you're the culprit.

Young man, as you grow older,
you'll find you can't burn
the candle at both ends.

Well, I was wrong.

I knew there was
something you couldn't
burn at both ends,

I thought it was
a candle.

However,
you must be punished.

Just for that,
you stay after school.

But, Professor,
I didn't do anything.

I know, but there's no fun
in keeping him after school.

Now, we'll have
no more interruptions.

According to Von Sternmetz,
the eminent physiologist,

"There is ever present
a group of white
phagocytes..."

According to Von Sternmetz,
the eminent physiologist,

"There is present a group
of white phagocytes..."

According to Von...

According
to Von Sternmetz...

According to Von Sternmetz,
the eminent physiologist,

"There is present a group
of white phagocytes..."

They are ever present
and they are essential...

They are essential
to prolonging life.

My left wing has been turned.
My rear end has been cut off.

But I'll fight it out
on these lines if it
takes all summer.

They got me.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Oh, it's you, Frank.

Why, of course.
I'd love to have
you come over.

All right. I'll be
expecting you, then.

Good-bye, darling.

Who were you
calling "darling?"

Oh. Frank Wagstaff,
the professor's son.

Say, I didn't tell you
to fall for him.

I just told you
to find out all you
could about his team.

Well, he said
it was a cinch
for Huxley to win.

Listen, I've got
my bankroll bet on Darwin
and I'm taking no chances.

Before the game starts,
I'll have the Huxley signals.

Now, here's down
the hatch and on my way.

See you later.

Good-bye, dear.

Are you still here?
I just came in.

What do you mean,
am I still here?
(GIGGLES)

Oh, I mean,
are you here already?

You know, I really
shouldn't be here.

The old man gave me
a terrible bawling
out for seeing you.

Oh, let's not worry
about him. He'll never
know you were here.

How about
a little drink?
All right.

I'll get you one.
Please.

Are you Miss Bailey?

Come, come. One of us
is Miss Bailey, and I'm not.

I'm Miss Bailey
and who are you?

I'm Professor Wagstaff.
Who are you?

Miss Bailey.
Ah, then you are
Miss Bailey.

Thought you could
slip one over on me,
didn't you?

Listen, madam, you've
gotta give my son up.

Give him up?
You can't
take him from me.

He's all I've got
in the world,
except a picture

of George Washington
crossing the Delaware.

But, Professor, I...
Whatever you say
is a lie.

He's only a shell
of his former self,
which nobody can deny.

Whoopee!
(SCOFFS)

I tell you, you're
ruining that boy.
You're ruining him.

Did my son tell you,
you had beautiful eyes?

Why, yes.

He told me that too.
He tells that to
everyone he meets.

Oh, I love sitting
on your lap.

I could sit here all day
if you didn't stand up.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Quick! Hurry!
Get out of here.
That door.

I don't want any ice.

Oh!

(SHATTERING)

Who was that?
The iceman.

Is that so? Well, you can't
pull the wool over my ice.
Oh!

That iceman stuff
leaves me cold.

Here you are...

So I caught you at last.
You are fooling around
with this woman.

Oh, the shame of it.

That I should live to see
a son of mine try to take
a dame away from his father.

Dad, I can...
Enough of this.
You leave here immediately,

and I'll stay here
and settle
with this woman.

As soon as we're
settled, we'll have
you over for dinner.

On second thought,
I'll go with you.
Come. Follow me.

Be a lamp in the window
for my wandering boy.

Let's see, where...
Oh, yes.
I was on your lap

and doing pretty well
as I recall it.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Quick. Hurry.
Get out. Hurry.

And remember,
stay undercover.

You've got more students
than the college.

Here, lady,
you dropped your ice.

But I don't
want any ice.
Neither do I.

(SHATTERING)

Now do you
want any ice?
No.

Oh, you're beautiful.
Ah, so nice.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Baravelli, you overcome me.
But remember
it was your idea.

No.

Lady, I like you.

You got something,
but I don't
know what it is.

I'm gonna tell him
he's crazy.

Professor, I no see you.
What are you doing here?

Nothing right now, but
I was doing all right
till you came in.

Oh! So you know
the professor.

Sure. He put me
in business. He got me
on the football team.

Now all I gotta do
is get him off the couch.

Have you read
any good books lately?

(SHATTERING)

This must be
the main highway.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Follow me. I've been
doing this all day.

Pretty popular place,
isn't it?

Yes, a hot dog stand
would clean up here.

What are you
doing here?
Why, me?

I'm the music teacher.
I give her singing lessons.

Since when are you
taking singing lessons?
Since you came in.

What are you
doing here?
I'm the plumber.

I'm just hanging around
in case something goes
wrong with her pipes.

That's the first time
I've used that joke
in 20 years.

Now, take
a deep breath
and follow me.

(PLAYING PIANO)

Well, we've got a cozy
little place here,
haven't we?

(SINGING SCALES)

You sing high, huh?

Yes, I have
a falsetto voice.

That's funny.
My last pupil,

she got a
false set of teeth.

Maybe for the first
lesson, it's better
if you don't sing.

And if you don't sing,
I think it's much
better yet. I'll sing.

Everyone says I love you

The great, big mosquito
when he sting you

The fly when he get stuck
on the flypaper too

Says I love you

Every time
the cow says moo

She makin' the bull
feel very happy too

And the rooster
when he holler
cock-a-doodle-doodle-do

Says I love you

Christopher Colombo
he write the queen of Spain
a very nice, little note

And he write
I love you, baby!

And then he get himself
a great, big boat

He's a wise guy

What do you think
Colombo do

When he come here
in 1492

He say to Pocahontas
Hacha, facha, cacha coo!

That means, you little
son of a gun, I love you!

Maybe it's better if
I don't sing too, huh?
Yes.

All right.
I'll play.

(PLAYING PIANO)

I love good music.

So do I. Let's get
out of here.
Sit down.

I've got to stay here,
but there's no reason

why you folks shouldn't
go out into the lobby
till this thing blows over.

Well, that's all
for the first lesson.

I come back next week
and teach you
how to breathe.

And don't breathe
until I see you again.

If this is
a singing lesson,
I'm a ring-tailed monkey.

This is a singing lesson,
and keep your family
out of it. Baravelli!

What do you want?
Are you going
my way?

Sure.
Well, you go my way,
and I'll stay here.

No, you don't.
You're leaving together.

And if I find you
guys here again,

it'll be curtains.
Now, on your way.

If my son comes back,
tell him to take the lamp
out of the window.

Dad, you've got
the wrong football
players.

You mean the whole team?
No. Baravelli
and the dogcatcher.

They're not
football players
at all.

They must be.
I got 'em out
of a speakeasy.

But you got
the wrong ones.

The two fellows
I told you about are
playing for Darwin.

Send for Baravelli.

Scour the grounds.
Don't leave a single
stone unturned.

He's probably under one.

Baravelli! Baravelli!

(INDISTINCT VOICE)

What are you
doing in there?
Shh.

I'm practicing
secret signals.
Don't say nothing.

Seventy-two,
86, 74, 56, 101...
Come on out.

What do you want?
Baravelli, you can fix it
for our team to win.

Oh, no.
I wanna play.

All right. You can play.
There's two football players
on the Darwin team

I want kidnapped.

Have you ever had any
experience as a kidnapper?
You bet.

You know what I do
when I kidnap somebody?

First I call 'em up
on the telephone, then
I send 'em my chauffeur.

Oh, have you got
a chauffeur?
Yeah.

What kind of a car
have you got?

I no got a car.
I just got a chauffeur.

Maybe I'm crazy,
but when you have
a chauffeur,

aren't you supposed
to have a car?

Well, I had one.

But it cost too much
money to keep a car
and a chauffeur,

so I sold the car.

Well, that shows you
how little I know.

I would have kept the car
and sold the chauffeur.
That's no good.

I gotta have a chauffeur
to take me to work
in the morning.

If you've got no car,
how can he take you
to work?

He don't have
to take me to work.
I no got a job.

Baravelli,
this is the finish.

How much would you want
to stand at the wrong end
of a shooting gallery?

Now, now, now, boys.
Now, just a minute,
boys, just a minute.

Now let's forget what
happened yesterday.

I didn't come here
to fight.

You've got to fight.
I've already taken
my coat off.

I wanna talk to
Baravelli.

Now, you wouldn't mind
stepping out, would you?

I'd love to step out,
but I'd have to
see the girl first.

Baravelli, I've got
a proposition for you.

Watch yourself, Baravelli.
He's almost as crooked
as you are.

Let's go in here.

Baravelli, I want you
to do something for me.
I'm busy.

Me and my partner,
we gotta kidnap a couple
of football players

on the Darwin team.
Is that so?

You don't mean
MacHardie and Mullen?

That sounds something like it,
but the fellows I mean
are Mullen and MacHardie.

I'll give you a tip.

The boys you want
live at 39 Hanley Street.

That's fine, thanks.
Now, I want you to
do something for me.

What do you want?
Listen.

Give me the signals,
and this 500 bucks
is yours.

All right.

Here's the signals.

Hey, wait a minute.
These are the
wrong signals.

These are Darwin's signals.
Do you think I'd give you
$500 for Darwin's signals?

They cost me 200.
I guess I gotta make
a little profit.

(CLAPS, WHISTLES)

Say, listen, you've got
to get busy and get
those football signals.

But I thought you
were going to get them.

If I did, I wouldn't
be asking you to go
after them, would I?

Now look, all you've
got to do is to get
to Professor Wagstaff.

He's got the
Huxley signals,

and I'm depending
on you to get them
here before the game.

Yes, but how?

You know how.

Romance him, baby.
Romance him.

And remember,
all you're to get
is football signals.

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Everyone says I love you

But just what they
say it for I never knew

It's just inviting trouble
for the poor sucker who

Says I love you

Take a pair of rabbits who

Get stuck on each other
and begin to woo

And pretty soon you'll find
a million more rabbits who

Say I love you

When the lion
gets feeling frisky

And begins to roar

There's another lion

Who knows just what
he's roaring for

Everything
that ever grew

The goose and the gander
and the gosling too

The duck upon the water
when he feels that way too

Says...

(QUACKING)

That's a wise quack.
You keep your bill
out of this.

How would you like it
if I butted into your
affairs and laid an egg?

You know, this is the
first time I've been out
in a canoe since I saw

The American Tragedy.

Oh, you're perfectly safe,
Professor, in this boat.

I don't know. I was gonna get
a flat bottom, but the girl at
the boathouse didn't have one.

Well, you know, Professor,
I could go on like this,

drifting and dreaming
forever.

What a day.
Spring in the air.

Who, me?
I should spring in the air
and fall in the lake?

Oh, Professor,
you're full of whimsy.

Can you notice it
from there?

I'm always that way
after I eat radishes.

Oh, is that important?
Is it important?

Those are
the football signals.

Let 'em go.
Luckily, I've got
a duplicate set in my pocket.

I always carry
two of everything.

This is the first time
I've ever been out with
only one woman.

Oh, you mean you
take two girls out
every time?

Particularly in an automobile.
I hate to see a girl
walk home alone.

Do you know, Professor,
I've never seen
football signals.

Do you think
a little girl like me
could understand them?

I think a little girl
like you would understand
practically anything.

(BABY TALK)
Is great, big, strong man
gonna tell little icky baby

all about the bad
football signals?

Was that you
or the duck?

'Cause if it was you,
I'm gonna finish this
ride with the duck.

If icky baby don't learn
about the football signals,

icky baby gonna cry.

(BABY TALK)
If icky girl keep on
talking that way,

big, strong man's gonna
kick all her teeth
right down her throat.

(LAUGHS)
Naughty man
is only fooling.

Just for that
I'm coming
right over there

and smother naughty
man with kisses.

You couldn't make
that onions instead,
could you?

Oh, so that's your game.
That's your game, is it?

(SCREAMS)

Professor Wagstaff.
Professor Wagstaff.

Oh, just call me Quincy.

After you get to
know me better,
you can call me Quince.

Oh, throw me
the lifesaver.
The lifesaver.

Oh, Professor Wagstaff.
Please hurry, Professor.
Oh, Professor.

Thirty-nine.
This is it.

(RINGING)

Hello. Yeah,
this is MacHardie.

(CHUCKLES)
So they're coming
right over, eh?

Okay, Mr. Jennings.
We'll take care of 'em.

Can you beat it?

Jennings says
Baravelli and
the dogcatcher

are coming over here
to kidnap us, to keep
us out of the game.

(BOTH LAUGH)

This is the place.
Now, how are we
gonna catch 'em?

Oh, that's for
catching flies.

Baseball players catch flies.
We look for football players.

You bring the tools?
You got the shovel,
the ax and the pick?

Where's the pick?

No, that's no pick.
That's a hog.

A hog. Don't you know
what a hog is?

Oh, come on. Let's get busy.
We gotta kidnap a couple
of football players.

We're looking
for Mullen and MacHardie.

That's us.
What can we do for you?
You got a brother?

No.
You got a sister?

Yeah.
Well, your sister,
she's a very sick man.

You'd better
come with us.

Yeah?
What happened
to her?

She had an accident
in her automobile.

She has
no automobile.

Well, maybe she fall
off her horse.
I don't look very close.

Come on.
We take you in our car.

You will, eh?
Well, I have
no sister.

That's all right.
We no got a car.
Come on.

So you think
you're gonna take us
for a ride, eh?

This is gonna
take a long time.

(WHISTLES)
Try one at a time.

(WHISTLES)

Didn't work, huh?

Get tough.

(SNORTING)
Get tough with the
other one.

Get tough
with both of 'em.

(SNORTING FASTER)
Tougher!

Now you're
getting someplace.

Hey, Pinky, you'd better
think of something else.

I'm exhausted too.
I can't think of anything.

Maybe you fellas
got an idea.

I'll say we got an idea.
Where's that rope, Ed?

Get 'em, Ed!

MACHARDIE: Hey, you guys,
we'll let you know
how the game comes out!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We come to kidnap them,
they kidnap us.

That's a-fix a-fine
we're in.

How we gonna get out...

I got an idea.
You got a rope?

That's good.
That's fine.

Tie on the bed,
throw the rope
out of the window.

Tie on the bed,
throw the rope
out of the window.

(JIGGLING DOOR KNOB)

Hey...

What do you do, huh?
You throw the rope
out of the window,

but you no
tie on the bed.

No, I don't mean the tie.
I mean tie the rope.

Now what are you
going to do?

You crazy.
That's no good.

How are we gonna
get out of here?

Come here.
You wanna
break my neck?

(GRUNTING)

Yeah, don't worry,
Mr. Jennings.

Everything's
working out fine.

That's all right.
The game's in the bag.
See you later.

Well, I wonder
what the two mugs
are doin' up there.

(LAUGHS)

Well, well.
Our little playmates.

Just in time
for a cup of tea.

We got no cups,
but we'll see you
after the game.

Come on, Pinky.
Let's go.

No, you don't.
Take off your coat.

Come on.

Snap into it.
Off with your shirt.
Quit stallin'.

Now take off your pants.
Hey, I got a date.

Nothin' doin'.

That goes for you too!
Take that coat off!

Stand over there, you.
Come on, Ed. Let's
take their clothes.

Now, if you boys'll excuse us,
we'll run along and
play a little football.

Just make yourselves
right at home.

Tune in on the radio,
if you wanna see
how the game's goin' along.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'll send my sister over
to keep you company.

Gee, I guess
it's locked.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, boy,
what a pretty play!

Darwin just completed
a forward pass for
a touchdown,

and the crowd
is going wild!

Well, folks, there seems
to be no stopping Mullen
and MacHardie today.

COMMENTATOR:
Two minutes left to play
in the first quarter,

and, oh, what a lacing
the Huxley team is getting!

There they go!
Coffey has the ball,
and he's breaking through!

(SCREAMING)

Well, partner, I guess
we made a grand slam.

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, Pinky, hurry up!
Hurry up! Come on!
Come on.

We still got
time to play.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

REFEREE: Play ball!

Well, you're a couple
of fine kidnappers.

Do you know the
fellows you kidnapped
got here before you did?

Look at that score,
12 to nothing.

A fat lot you care.

Do you realize
what it means if
Huxley loses this game?

It means shame,
disgrace,
humiliation.

And besides, you're crazy
if you don't play the ace.

Come on and fight!

No, no, no, no.
Get in that game.

Listen, you bunch of
butterfingered milksops,

the way you're playing,
you couldn't beat
a girl's basketball team.

We've gotta win this game,
do you understand?

Even if we have
to use our star play,
Number 37.

You remember it, don't you?
The quarterback gets the ball,
goes 'round left end

and makes a lateral pass
to the right guard.

Hey, Dad...
Wait a minute.

Boys, if you can't beat that
bunch of half-witted goofs...
Dad!

What do you want?
Why you're talking
to the wrong team.

I know I am, but our team
wouldn't listen to me.
Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, which way
you goin'?
Out there.

All right. Drop me off
at the 40-yard line.

Where's your number?
(WHISTLES)

My boy, get in there
and play like you did
in the last game.

I've got $5 bet
on the other team.
(BAND CONTINUES)

PLAYER 1: Ready?
PLAYER 2: Okay.

PLAYER 3: Ready?
PLAYER 4: Okay. Let's go.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GUNFIRES)

Ah, here comes
Professor Wagstaff.

Will you say
something, Professor?

I will if you get
up out of there.

Professor Wagstaff
will tell you
all about the game.

This is some football game,
and I wish you were here.

In fact, I wish you
were here instead of me.

Last week at this same hour,
I told you Mrs. Moskovitz
was expecting a blessed event.

Well, last night,
Mrs. Moskovitz had twins.

Okay, Mr. Moskovitz!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Thank you, Professor.
It was nothing at all.

(BAND CONTINUES)

The boys are back
on the field.
They're lined up.

Huxley is about to
kick off to Darwin,

and there they go!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Pardon me.

That'll teach him to
pass a lady without
tipping his hat.

Hike!
(CROWD SCREAMS)

PLAYER 1:
All right, gang. Come on.
Come on. Drive it in there.

Hey, look out there.
You wanna get hurt? We're
gonna throw a forward pass.

Signals!

Eighteen, seventy-two.
Forward pass.

Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
Ready or not,
here we go. Hike!

Why, Pinky, what
are you doing here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That tackle will cost
your team 15 yards.

(LAUGHS)

You're supposed to tackle
the man with the ball,
do you understand?

(GRUNTS)
What's the idea?

Hey, idiot,
where's that ball?

Hey, look!
He's got the mumps.

Come on.
Give me that ball.
Give me it!

(REFEREE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY)

(PLAYERS CHATTERING)

BARAVELLI: Hike!

Heads up.
Heads up over there.
Signals.

Eighteen, 42, 56,
end run. Hup!

(CROWD SCREAMS)

Hey, bring that back!

(PLAYER CALLING SIGNALS)

(SCREAMS)

Come on, boys.

Jumping anaconda.

Is there a doctor
in the stands?

Why, yes. I'm a doctor.
How do you
like the game, Doc?

(CROWD CHANTING)

Come back for me
in five minutes.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Hike!

Hmm. Fancy
seeing you here.

Well, it's a small
world after all.

Hike!

Why weren't you
in that last scrimmage?
I'm sitting this one out.

What are you doing
with that cigar
in your mouth?

Why? Do you know
another way to
smoke it?

Get on your feet.

Don't look now, boys,
but I think I see
the chemistry professor

up in the stands
with the janitor's wife.

Here.
Have a cigar.

Hike!

Signal. Humpty Dumpty
sat on the wall.

Professor Wagstaff
gets the ball.
Hike!

(CROWD SCREAMS)

PLAYER:
Have you got it, boys?
ALL: Okay.

PLAYER: Hike!

REFEREE: Hey,
bring that ball in here.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hike!

There goes the ball.

Go on, Pinky!
That's a boy!

Make a home run.
Attaboy! Yeah!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Gee, that's great, Pinky.
You made a touchdown.

Are you tired?
Oh, that's marvelous.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

BARAVELLI: Hike!

I forgot your phone
number. Will you
give it to me again?

PLAYER 1:
Where's that ball?

Here it is!

Come on. Get off that ball.
You're holding up the game.

Let's huddle up, men.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(ALL CHATTERING)

BARAVELLI: Hike!

Signal. Uno, due, tre, bendy.
This time, we go left endy.

Hike!

Nice work, Pinky!

Signal.

High diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle.

This time, I think
we go through
the middle. Hike!

(BARKING)

Hey, you're
running the wrong way!

(PINKY WHISTLES)

We are gathered
together here

to join this man
and this woman

in the bonds of matrimony,
which is an honorable estate.

Do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?

TOGETHER: We do.