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1
00:00:12,547 --> 00:00:14,191
Oscar!
2
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:15,814
Oscar! What?
3
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,483
If I gave you a million guesses,
4
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,764
you'd never guess what
just happened to me!
5
00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:22,371
You got arrested
for being a litterbug.
6
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,706
Wrong.
7
00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:25,307
Guess where my coat is.
8
00:00:25,376 --> 00:00:26,786
You'll never guess
in a million years.
9
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:28,972
That's easy, at the
cleaners. Wrong.
10
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:31,746
It's at Bellevue Hospital
wrapped around a baby.
11
00:00:31,815 --> 00:00:32,965
What are you talking about?
12
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,634
Less than one hour
ago in Times Square,
13
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,281
I helped a woman
deliver her baby.
14
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:38,305
Oh, I don't believe that.
15
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,449
I don't believe it either.
16
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:40,723
I ran to call an ambulance.
17
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,636
When I got back, the
woman was giving birth.
18
00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:44,304
I helped her right
there on the sidewalk.
19
00:00:44,328 --> 00:00:47,212
The first thing the baby saw
was an X-rated movie marquee.
20
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,664
Are you serious?
21
00:00:49,733 --> 00:00:51,194
Yes. You really
did deliver a baby?
22
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,517
I was standing there,
23
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,631
this woman said, "Please
help me, I'm having a baby."
24
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,821
Nobody paid any attention.
25
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,500
People walked just,
they just went right by.
26
00:00:57,524 --> 00:00:59,535
I had to put a dime
in the parking meter
27
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:00,999
to keep somebody
from parking on her.
28
00:01:02,946 --> 00:01:04,858
You'd better sit down,
you're shaky. Oh!
29
00:01:04,882 --> 00:01:07,983
Come on. People are
absolutely unbelievable.
30
00:01:08,052 --> 00:01:09,813
Nobody would get
me boiling water.
31
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:12,755
I had to go into the
luncheonette and buy tea.
32
00:01:14,024 --> 00:01:16,503
The woman is naming
the baby after me...
33
00:01:16,527 --> 00:01:18,928
Unger Woo.
34
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,996
Unger Woo?
35
00:01:21,065 --> 00:01:23,226
But can you imagine,
nobody even looked.
36
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,795
People paid no attention.
37
00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:26,763
They just went right by. I
know it's a jungle out there.
38
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,431
I can't believe it. There I was.
39
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,433
I was bringing a new
life into this world.
40
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:33,391
You should have seen
this baby right in my hand...
41
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,560
Oh, Oscar, I...
42
00:01:35,630 --> 00:01:37,562
Yeah, nobody
cares. I feel funny, I...
43
00:01:37,632 --> 00:01:39,610
It's a jungle out
there, I'm telling you.
44
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:41,383
Nobody's interested.
45
00:01:41,452 --> 00:01:44,136
A guy could drop dead in Times
Square and nobody would notice.
46
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,205
Nobody would look up.
47
00:01:45,256 --> 00:01:46,733
People are only
interested in themselves.
48
00:01:46,757 --> 00:01:47,956
But I'm proud of you.
49
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,858
I'll tell you that.
50
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:25,494
♪ ♪
51
00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:59,561
♪ ♪
52
00:03:10,825 --> 00:03:14,760
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
53
00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:23,068
Get the door, will you, Felix?
54
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,739
Will you get the door?
55
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:30,743
Well, if the guy goes out,
doesn't tell me he's going.
56
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,455
Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.
57
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,091
Well, you all set to
go bowling? Yeah.
58
00:03:34,115 --> 00:03:35,892
I'm gonna get
the ball. All right.
59
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,393
Oscar! What?
60
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,395
Well, you finally did it, huh?
61
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:40,853
Felix.
62
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,665
Don't play Mr. Innocent with me.
63
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,300
Get him up on the couch. Yeah.
64
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,302
Get some water.
Are you all right?
65
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:48,260
Here, loosen his tie.
66
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,539
It's hard.
67
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,208
It's a double Windsor knot!
68
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,153
I taste beer.
69
00:03:58,221 --> 00:04:01,173
Am I drunk?
70
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,175
Felix, you didn't
drink anything.
71
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,609
You fainted. Are you all right?
72
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,595
Oh!
73
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,263
Ooh!
74
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:10,532
Oh, this whole thing
must have just got to me.
75
00:04:10,601 --> 00:04:11,845
What whole thing?
76
00:04:11,869 --> 00:04:13,530
He delivered a baby. Oh!
77
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,198
A woman's baby. Oh. Really?
78
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:16,449
Yeah. Tell him how it happened.
79
00:04:16,473 --> 00:04:19,575
Oscar, I know how it happens.
80
00:04:19,643 --> 00:04:21,009
Tell him how it
happened, will you,
81
00:04:21,078 --> 00:04:22,244
while I get my bowling ball.
82
00:04:22,313 --> 00:04:26,081
Oh, Murray, what's
wrong with people?
83
00:04:26,149 --> 00:04:30,919
They walk right by crime,
accidents, pregnancy.
84
00:04:30,987 --> 00:04:33,107
The only thing they'll
stop for is a suicide.
85
00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:35,140
People love to yell, "Jump!"
86
00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:38,127
Nobody cares!
87
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,178
Now, some people care, Felix.
88
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:42,425
You know, at the police
station, we hold classes
89
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,928
for people who want to
help their fellow citizens.
90
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,063
Really? Yeah, they're
called Civilian Reserves.
91
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,638
I want to join those classes.
92
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,517
You should, too. You'd
be a better citizen.
93
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:52,941
I'm a good citizen.
94
00:04:53,010 --> 00:04:55,844
I vote, I cross at the green,
not in between, I post no bills.
95
00:04:55,913 --> 00:04:57,341
Come on, Murray,
let's go. You hear that?
96
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,842
Sure, go ahead. Don't
worry about anything.
97
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,131
Let someone else be concerned.
98
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,661
How would you feel
if you were the father
99
00:05:01,685 --> 00:05:02,745
of that child I delivered?
100
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,203
I'd feel awful.
101
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:07,206
I'd have a kid named Unger Woo.
102
00:05:11,361 --> 00:05:13,807
Many concerned citizens
are getting involved
103
00:05:13,831 --> 00:05:15,475
in our training program,
104
00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:17,243
and they are now
working successfully
105
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,412
in their neighborhoods
106
00:05:18,436 --> 00:05:20,414
as civilian police reserves.
107
00:05:20,438 --> 00:05:24,372
Now, uh, two of our most
recent graduates are, uh,
108
00:05:24,442 --> 00:05:25,857
Mooney and Bibbo.
109
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,843
Nice uniforms.
110
00:05:29,313 --> 00:05:32,397
Uh, you have another
question, Mr. Unger?
111
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:35,100
Yes, uh, are we responsible
for our own uniforms?
112
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:37,147
Yes, sir, you are. Uh-huh.
113
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:41,011
May I ask what material
they're made of if you know?
114
00:05:42,793 --> 00:05:44,059
Polyester.
115
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,113
Trash.
116
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,493
Now, as concerned citizens,
117
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,162
you'll be acting as an
extra eye for the police.
118
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,498
Now, that's why you
have been issued whistles.
119
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,834
Now, if any of you
should hear any danger
120
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,837
or see any danger, all you
have to do is use your whistle.
121
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,055
Right?
122
00:06:02,079 --> 00:06:03,178
Okay.
123
00:06:03,247 --> 00:06:05,247
Now, Officer Greshler
will demonstrate.
124
00:06:07,518 --> 00:06:11,453
One long blast... means "help".
125
00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,391
Two short blasts...
126
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,109
means "everything's okay."
127
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,444
Hold it.
128
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:21,713
I think we should
all write that down.
129
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:24,194
Mr. Unger, it's
already written down.
130
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:25,416
Yeah, I meant on paper
131
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:27,163
so that we'll have it
with us at all times.
132
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:29,738
All right. If you're taken
prisoner, swallow it.
133
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,740
Ah.
134
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,742
A little levity, huh?
135
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,090
That's very good.
136
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,746
All right.
137
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:40,015
Now, I'd like to show
you some first aid.
138
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,135
All right, thank you.
139
00:06:43,204 --> 00:06:44,470
Thank you, Mooney.
140
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,516
Now, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
141
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:50,476
we are going to learn about
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
142
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,144
All right.
143
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,374
Are there any volunteers?
144
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,736
Please.
145
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,774
Mr. Unger.
146
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,777
He asked for me!
147
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,024
Now this time, Mr. Unger,
your victim is a baby.
148
00:07:11,048 --> 00:07:12,431
Well, I'm very good with babies.
149
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,394
I just delivered one a couple
of days ago, right on the street.
150
00:07:14,418 --> 00:07:15,695
Goody-goody for you.
151
00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:18,603
I have two of my own.
152
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,316
Unfortunately, they're
not living with me now.
153
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,584
My wife and I are divorced.
154
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,209
My compliments to
your ex-wife, Mr. Unger.
155
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,588
May we proceed, please? Yes.
156
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,823
All right. Now, please,
157
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,447
put one hand under
the victim's neck.
158
00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:30,796
That's right.
159
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,829
Now seal your mouth
against the victim's
160
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,853
and emit air.
161
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,639
Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger,
162
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,642
we are not blowing
up a Goodyear Blimp.
163
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,979
This is just a baby that
we are trying to revive.
164
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,292
All you have to do is
just puff, just puff. Ah.
165
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:06,384
All right, now, please,
move the head down,
166
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,598
Mm-hmm. so then
lift, lift the chin up.
167
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,555
Uh-huh.
168
00:08:15,545 --> 00:08:16,856
Let's take a short break.
169
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,981
You gave me a defective doll.
170
00:08:19,049 --> 00:08:20,983
I'd like to see
him deliver a baby.
171
00:08:21,051 --> 00:08:23,029
You were good. I delivered
a baby on the street
172
00:08:23,053 --> 00:08:24,664
the other day, all by myself.
173
00:08:24,688 --> 00:08:26,833
Could you tell me where I could
find Murray Greshler? Oscar!
174
00:08:26,857 --> 00:08:28,835
Felix. Oscar, you came down.
175
00:08:28,859 --> 00:08:31,075
Aw, you got concerned.
176
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,527
I got robbed.
177
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,307
Where's Murray? What? What
happened? Where, who, why?
178
00:08:34,331 --> 00:08:35,958
On our corner. I was
trying to hail a cab
179
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,093
to get to the hockey game.
180
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,557
And a guy just came
and stuck you up?
181
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:39,829
He even introduced himself.
182
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,097
He said, "Hi, my name is Phil.
183
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,265
Hand over your wallet."
184
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,649
Then two guys run
from across the street.
185
00:08:43,673 --> 00:08:44,767
Did they come and help you?
186
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,340
No. They took my cab.
187
00:08:46,409 --> 00:08:48,209
Wow.
188
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,694
I'm sorry, Oscar.
189
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,991
Well, what bugged me was
all those people in the street.
190
00:08:52,015 --> 00:08:53,626
Nobody stopped. Nobody
cared. I told you that,
191
00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:55,295
didn't I? I know
you told me. I know.
192
00:08:55,319 --> 00:08:56,629
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.
193
00:08:56,653 --> 00:08:58,252
Listen, I was robbed.
What should I do?
194
00:08:58,322 --> 00:09:00,300
Well, I'd report it to
the police immediately.
195
00:09:00,324 --> 00:09:02,256
That's why I'm here.
196
00:09:02,326 --> 00:09:04,236
I thought maybe you'd show
me some mug shots or something.
197
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:05,738
Oh, no, I gotta
stick around here.
198
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,907
Hey, listen, go to the second
floor and ask for Cunningham.
199
00:09:07,931 --> 00:09:09,909
Never forgets a face.
Cunningham, second floor, okay.
200
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:11,199
What did the guy get?
201
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:12,512
Everything I had in my pocket.
202
00:09:12,536 --> 00:09:14,696
Eight dollars and a half
a tuna fish sandwich.
203
00:09:16,573 --> 00:09:19,173
Wow! Is that something, Murray?
204
00:09:19,242 --> 00:09:20,653
It's nothing in my business.
205
00:09:20,677 --> 00:09:21,821
All right. All right.
206
00:09:21,845 --> 00:09:23,823
Can I please have
your attention?
207
00:09:23,847 --> 00:09:27,248
Uh, we'll continue
with first aid a bit later.
208
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,085
Now, we're gonna
have a judo class.
209
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:33,655
I am going to be the instructor.
210
00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:37,576
I do not want any volunteers.
211
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,879
I want you.
212
00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:48,937
Hey. Hi, Sherlock.
213
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,939
How'd it go at
the police station?
214
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,106
Did you find the picture
215
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,836
of the guy who robbed
you in the mug shots?
216
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:56,745
No, but I identified the
two guys who stole my cab.
217
00:09:56,813 --> 00:10:00,582
If you knew then
what I know now,
218
00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:02,333
he could never have robbed you.
219
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,502
Yeah, what's that? Hah!
220
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,691
What's that? I just
broke your arm.
221
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:08,006
It's broken in two places.
222
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,507
I could rip it out
by the socket.
223
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:10,719
Why would you want to do that?
224
00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:11,921
Well, you were
reaching for a pencil,
225
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,256
you could have been
reaching for my wallet...
226
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,057
whack, no arm. What's that?
227
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:16,226
Judo. Oh.
228
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,376
We just learned that
at the Police Academy.
229
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,583
I don't think judo works.
230
00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:19,695
You don't? No.
231
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:20,719
Try standing up.
232
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:22,053
Hah!
233
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,055
Again, hah? Broke your neck.
234
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:27,726
Your head is now
totally inoperative.
235
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,939
Oh, come on, will you?
No, no, I'm not joking.
236
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,273
This really works. Yeah?
237
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,608
Hah! Again with the hah.
238
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,912
Look at this man.
239
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,400
I splattered your patella.
240
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,001
You'll never walk again, mugger.
241
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,436
Now do you believe
me? Come here.
242
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,483
I'm gonna teach you
something that will save your life.
243
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,517
How can I come there?
244
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,152
I got a broken
neck, a split patella,
245
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,443
my arm doesn't work.
246
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,712
I'm gonna tell you all
about the Civilian Patrol.
247
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,381
We get to go out on patrol.
248
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:50,782
We wear badges. We wear hats.
249
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,116
They gave us this whistle.
250
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,569
We blow the whistle
if there's ever a crisis.
251
00:10:54,638 --> 00:10:55,898
Whoa!
252
00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:57,584
What's with the "we"?
What's that "we"?
253
00:10:57,608 --> 00:10:59,724
I signed you up as my partner.
254
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,806
You signed me
up as your partner?
255
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:05,263
Well, I don't want to go with
Miriam; she's a scaredy-cat.
256
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,827
How could you put my name
down without asking me?
257
00:11:07,851 --> 00:11:10,201
Why not? You complained
about public apathy.
258
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,681
I'm getting the whole
building involved.
259
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,271
You don't want to
be the only holdout.
260
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,551
Oh, but I don't believe
this Civilian Patrol
261
00:11:14,575 --> 00:11:15,507
is going to do any good.
262
00:11:15,576 --> 00:11:17,086
You don't? No, I don't.
263
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,321
I'll show you something. What?
264
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,345
You're a mugger.
265
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:20,790
Now, put your fingers
together like that.
266
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,158
Like what? Just like that.
267
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,276
Like that? Hah!
268
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,565
Try to get them apart.
269
00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:25,634
You can't do it.
270
00:11:25,668 --> 00:11:26,846
No, and I can't get the mugger
271
00:11:26,870 --> 00:11:28,747
to put his fingers
together like that either.
272
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:31,106
I'll show you something else.
273
00:11:31,175 --> 00:11:32,791
Now, come at me with a gun.
274
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,394
Pow!
275
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,929
All right, we'll
forget about guns.
276
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,592
Now, we'll have a
real-life street scene.
277
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,299
All right, you're going
to try to mug me.
278
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,034
You're hiding behind
here, hide back here.
279
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,302
This is a fire hydrant.
280
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,931
What am I going
to do, mug a dog?
281
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,543
I'll be walking along, you're
going to throw a right at me.
282
00:11:51,612 --> 00:11:52,711
I'm gonna grab your arm,
283
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,813
I'm gonna flip you over
my shoulder senseless.
284
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,359
You're going to flip
me over your shoulder?
285
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,327
I just did it to Miriam;
it works like a charm.
286
00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,617
Don't worry about it.
287
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,269
Now here I come along,
288
00:12:01,338 --> 00:12:04,606
I'm walking along nonchalant...
289
00:12:04,675 --> 00:12:06,908
Hah!
290
00:12:08,345 --> 00:12:10,323
I thought you were gonna
put me over your shoulder.
291
00:12:10,347 --> 00:12:11,991
Yeah, yeah, but
it works, you see.
292
00:12:12,015 --> 00:12:14,782
Is this the way we're gonna
walk to the police station?
293
00:12:16,186 --> 00:12:18,119
Felix, you're supposed
to blow your whistle
294
00:12:18,188 --> 00:12:19,621
if you get into any trouble.
295
00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:22,857
I know, but if he attacks
me, I'm gonna flip him.
296
00:12:22,926 --> 00:12:25,366
Wait... All right, all
right, okay, okay, okay.
297
00:12:25,429 --> 00:12:26,877
I'll go on patrol with you.
298
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:29,227
Ah, you feel safe
with me, huh? No.
299
00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:31,360
But while you're carrying
the mugger on your back,
300
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,584
you're gonna need
somebody to blow the whistle.
301
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:44,812
Oh, boy!
302
00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:48,550
You're a fine-looking
officer, you know that?
303
00:12:48,619 --> 00:12:49,817
Thank you, sir.
304
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:51,119
May I help you, sir?
305
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:52,307
Metropolitan Opera House?
306
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,490
Four blocks to your right, sir.
307
00:12:55,558 --> 00:12:56,758
Thank you, Luigi.
308
00:12:56,826 --> 00:12:59,727
Thank you for the apple.
309
00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:01,162
Stop thief!
310
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,732
You know you're not supposed
311
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,811
to blow that whistle
unless there's a crisis.
312
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:07,279
It's a crisis looking at you.
313
00:13:07,303 --> 00:13:08,581
Let me... What?
314
00:13:08,605 --> 00:13:10,099
Oh, Oscar, look at you.
315
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,322
What's the matter?
316
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,236
Well, you've got a
cigar in your face.
317
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,870
Your badge is on the wrong side.
318
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:17,206
It's supposed to be over here.
319
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,092
You're wearing white sox.
320
00:13:19,116 --> 00:13:20,793
What have you got to say?
321
00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:22,167
Let's go is what I say.
322
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:23,601
If you don't respect
your uniform,
323
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,536
it won't respect you.
324
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,739
Let me see your hands.
325
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,241
Good, they're clean.
326
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,821
What difference does that
make? Well, if you frisk a man,
327
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,157
you don't want to soil his
clothing, do you? Oh! Come on!
328
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:35,491
Where's your hat? Here. Here.
329
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,260
Not that hat. The regulation
hat they issued you.
330
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,262
I don't want to wear it.
You've got to wear it. Put it on.
331
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,818
No. Where is it?
332
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,149
It's in the closet, but I don't
want to wear it. Why not?
333
00:13:43,173 --> 00:13:46,057
Because it doesn't fit!
334
00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:50,344
Carry it, then.
335
00:13:57,487 --> 00:13:59,220
What are you doing now?
336
00:13:59,289 --> 00:14:02,023
Just checking the premises.
337
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,003
Looks like an all clear to me.
338
00:14:04,027 --> 00:14:05,960
Let's go.
339
00:14:08,965 --> 00:14:10,631
Uh-oh. This looks
like trouble. Cover me.
340
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:11,932
What's up? Wait, wait.
341
00:14:12,002 --> 00:14:13,579
Hold it right there, mister.
342
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:16,470
My partner and I would
like a word with you.
343
00:14:16,539 --> 00:14:18,489
What partner?
344
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,160
I've got a partner.
345
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:25,162
He's out checking
other wrongdoers.
346
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,065
What's that you got there?
347
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,466
You mean this item?
348
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,712
It's my TV set.
349
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:30,863
Who are you?
350
00:14:30,887 --> 00:14:32,938
I'll ask the questions.
351
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,205
We're Civilian Patrol.
352
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,807
Who are you?
353
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,704
Mort Bennick, 11-0-3.
354
00:14:37,728 --> 00:14:39,878
Oh, yeah? I live right
in that apartment there.
355
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:42,113
I happen to know that's
Filerman's apartment.
356
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,460
He went to Europe.
I'm subletting.
357
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:48,219
Sure, and all
aspirins are alike.
358
00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:53,569
You always walk
around carrying a TV set?
359
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:54,692
No, do you?
360
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,240
All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
361
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,544
Come on, let's go.
362
00:14:58,582 --> 00:15:00,142
We'll go down to the
station. Now, come on.
363
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:01,644
There's my partner.
Now, where were you?
364
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:02,750
On the fourth floor.
365
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:03,985
What's going on here?
366
00:15:04,054 --> 00:15:06,132
I caught this bimbo
stealing a TV set.
367
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:07,700
What are you talking about?
368
00:15:07,724 --> 00:15:08,956
This is my TV set.
369
00:15:09,025 --> 00:15:11,585
Oh, yeah? What's
the serial number?
370
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,346
How should I know
the serial number?
371
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:18,016
Do you know your serial
number on your TV?
372
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:22,003
96133F.
373
00:15:22,071 --> 00:15:24,656
You shouldn't have
asked. Let's go, loser.
374
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,669
Down to the station house,
come on, let's... Just stand there.
375
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,104
Can I talk to you for a second?
376
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,571
Against the wall.
Don't try anything funny.
377
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,107
I've got eyes in the
back of my head.
378
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,230
Felix, can I talk to
you? Look, you...
379
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:36,668
Hey, you can't arrest a man just
because he's carrying a TV set.
380
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,947
I can smell a crime a mile away.
381
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:42,072
I think we can get a full
confession out of this baby.
382
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:44,701
I'll be the good cop,
you be the bad cop.
383
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:51,849
All right, bozo, looks
as though you're in luck.
384
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:53,484
Bozo?
385
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,364
I want to go easy on you,
386
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,948
but my partner here wants
to beat you senseless.
387
00:16:01,677 --> 00:16:03,856
I think if you give
us a full confession,
388
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,557
I can get him to calm down.
389
00:16:05,581 --> 00:16:06,726
He's an animal.
390
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:07,893
Want a cigarette?
391
00:16:07,917 --> 00:16:09,428
I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
392
00:16:09,452 --> 00:16:12,286
Does the police know
about you two guys?
393
00:16:12,355 --> 00:16:14,266
All right, buster,
you asked for it.
394
00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:16,590
Go ahead, Oscar, do
what you have to do.
395
00:16:16,659 --> 00:16:19,293
Look, you look like a
nice guy, so you can go.
396
00:16:19,362 --> 00:16:20,606
Thanks. Good-bye. No! No!
397
00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:22,074
Felix, what's the
matter with you?
398
00:16:22,098 --> 00:16:23,609
Cover me, Oscar.
399
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:24,932
What? What's going on?
400
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:27,434
What are they doing to you,
Mort? For goodness sakes.
401
00:16:27,503 --> 00:16:28,781
Do you know this man?
402
00:16:28,805 --> 00:16:30,488
I'm his wife.
403
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,918
Maybe you'd better
frisk his wife, too.
404
00:16:32,942 --> 00:16:37,028
Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm
so sorry. I didn't know.
405
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,347
I saw you walking
with a TV set, and I...
406
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,349
I was taking it down
to get it repaired.
407
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,584
Oh, oh. Since you
were going to have it
408
00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:45,002
repaired anyway,
409
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:47,504
do you think the
warranty is still good on it?
410
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:48,973
Let me take care of it.
411
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,158
Send me the bill,
please let me do it.
412
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,327
Thank you.
413
00:16:53,396 --> 00:16:56,164
Felix, you're acting
like the Blue Nut.
414
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,792
Have you learned a lesson?
415
00:16:58,835 --> 00:17:00,718
Yes, all of this could
have been avoided
416
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,987
if the man had known
his serial number.
417
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,463
Oscar...
418
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:16,934
can I come over and
sit with you, please?
419
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:20,572
Please?
420
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:26,211
I don't want to sit
over here all by myself.
421
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,247
Let me sit with
you, huh, please?
422
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:32,850
All right, it's my
first day on the job.
423
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,487
I... I was over-enthusiastic,
I admit that.
424
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,922
But let's be partners
again, huh, please?
425
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:39,991
You know me, you
know my character.
426
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,326
You know what I'm like.
427
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,460
I'm an eager beaver,
428
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:44,462
but isn't it better
to be too concerned
429
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:46,230
than just not to care at all?
430
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:47,810
Yeah, but you
always imagine things.
431
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,361
Then you get us in trouble.
432
00:17:49,385 --> 00:17:50,947
What are you looking at now?
433
00:17:50,971 --> 00:17:52,437
Don't start anything.
434
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:53,887
I wasn't imagining things.
435
00:17:53,956 --> 00:17:55,556
That man's carrying a gun.
436
00:17:55,624 --> 00:17:57,836
Hey, go outside and
blow your whistle.
437
00:17:57,860 --> 00:17:59,960
Blow your whistle.
438
00:18:00,029 --> 00:18:01,429
Cover me, Oscar.
439
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:03,298
Cover you with what, my hat?
440
00:18:03,366 --> 00:18:06,700
Felix... Hey, buddy?
441
00:18:06,769 --> 00:18:08,169
See that badge?
442
00:18:08,238 --> 00:18:09,603
Civilian Patrol.
443
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:13,307
See this?
444
00:18:13,376 --> 00:18:15,936
New York City Narcotics Squad.
445
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:20,354
Hey, Oscar, he's a narc!
446
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,973
Oh, come on, Oscar.
447
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:30,808
Just two more
hours of hall patrol,
448
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,243
then we're through
for the night.
449
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,456
I'm through now.
450
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,024
You can patrol the hall alone.
451
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:36,214
All right.
452
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:37,364
Yellow belly!
453
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,517
Hope you sleep well and warm
454
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:42,737
in the secure knowledge
that Felix is patrolling the halls.
455
00:19:08,765 --> 00:19:10,576
It's all right,
folks, it's all right.
456
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,983
Just part of the program
457
00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:14,318
to provide for your
safety and well-being.
458
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,721
May I say that you all
responded magnificently.
459
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:18,289
Go back to your beds,
460
00:19:18,357 --> 00:19:21,325
secure in the knowledge
that Felix is on the job.
461
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,494
Thank you all. Go back to bed.
462
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,999
Oscar, may I say that you
were not the first one out.
463
00:19:28,068 --> 00:19:30,201
Looks a little bit bad
for your roommate.
464
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,838
Slacker!
465
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:47,218
Oh, it's just me, Felix.
466
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:49,431
Miriam, don't skulk
around the halls like that.
467
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:50,888
I... I'm sorry.
468
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,018
If I blew this whistle,
the entire eleventh floor
469
00:19:53,042 --> 00:19:54,419
would be swarming all over you.
470
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,044
I just thought you could use
a chair and some magazines.
471
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,390
Oh, aren't you sweet.
472
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:01,182
Thank you, thank...
473
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:03,428
Didn't there used
to be a chair here?
474
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,086
It was stolen.
475
00:20:05,155 --> 00:20:07,499
Well, that's not gonna
happen while I'm on patrol.
476
00:20:07,523 --> 00:20:09,902
Your chair is safe with me.
477
00:20:09,926 --> 00:20:11,103
If anything goes wrong,
478
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,860
I just blow this whistle.
479
00:20:12,929 --> 00:20:14,439
I've got the best
floor in the building...
480
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,640
The fighting eleventh.
481
00:20:15,664 --> 00:20:16,948
I don't know about that.
482
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,660
The eighth floor is awfully
good. The eighth floor?
483
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,462
Yeah. They don't have
our deterrent power.
484
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:22,131
Nothing but women
and children down there.
485
00:20:22,155 --> 00:20:24,100
Yeah, but they've
got the spirit. Spirit?
486
00:20:24,124 --> 00:20:25,901
Yeah. Do you want to see spirit?
487
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,391
I'll show you spirit.
488
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:32,630
Thank you, everyone.
489
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:34,598
This has been a drill.
490
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:38,035
There is no real emergency.
491
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,570
Go back to your homes.
492
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,839
My whistle and I are on the job.
493
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,908
Blow that thing once more,
494
00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:45,943
I'll ram it right
down your throat!
495
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:47,411
Amen!
496
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:48,780
May I suggest
497
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:52,150
that you reserve your
hostility for the burglars, sir?
498
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,485
Same goes for you, son.
499
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,356
What a floor. Great floor!
500
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:01,170
Good night, Felix. No
fooling around on duty.
501
00:21:01,194 --> 00:21:04,211
Ah. Yes, sir.
502
00:21:06,282 --> 00:21:09,116
Hey, Cosmopolitan.
503
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:11,568
Great!
504
00:21:11,637 --> 00:21:13,087
Let's see.
505
00:21:13,155 --> 00:21:15,489
Hey, a sex quiz.
506
00:21:15,558 --> 00:21:16,990
Good.
507
00:21:17,059 --> 00:21:19,126
Never.
508
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:26,934
Uh-huh. Occasionally.
509
00:21:27,002 --> 00:21:28,169
Hmm.
510
00:21:28,237 --> 00:21:30,003
Now, let's see my score.
511
00:21:30,073 --> 00:21:31,405
85.
512
00:21:31,474 --> 00:21:32,940
Above average.
513
00:21:33,008 --> 00:21:36,243
If I'd had one more "always,"
I'd have been exceptional.
514
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,001
Time to patrol a little bit.
515
00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:48,439
On the job.
516
00:22:10,597 --> 00:22:13,097
Freeze!
517
00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:16,000
Hold it right there, mister.
518
00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:18,629
You're under total surveillance!
519
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:24,208
All right, turn
around very slowly.
520
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:36,019
Mister, when I
blow this whistle,
521
00:22:36,089 --> 00:22:39,823
every door on this
floor is going to open,
522
00:22:39,892 --> 00:22:42,693
and all the concerned citizens
are going to call the police.
523
00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:45,908
Won't do you any good at
all to head for the elevator.
524
00:22:48,150 --> 00:22:50,462
Sometimes this little
cork gets stuck. I can fix it.
525
00:22:52,772 --> 00:22:55,556
All right, Fighting
Eleventh, come and get him!
526
00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,945
Probably calling
the police right now.
527
00:23:01,014 --> 00:23:02,424
Don't you come any closer.
528
00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:06,801
Judo! Hah!
529
00:23:08,604 --> 00:23:11,823
You have a run in your
stocking, you know that?
530
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:14,036
Eighth Floor!
531
00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:16,620
Eighth Floor, can you hear me?
532
00:23:23,669 --> 00:23:25,586
Felix, uh...
533
00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:29,006
I'm sorry I left you
all alone on patrol.
534
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:31,909
What could happen?
535
00:23:31,978 --> 00:23:34,223
Anyway, see, you
always go too far,
536
00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:36,480
and then I get
mad, and then I...
537
00:23:36,548 --> 00:23:39,183
Anyway, I'm sorry, okay?
538
00:23:40,987 --> 00:23:43,287
What are you gonna
do? You gonna sulk?
539
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,633
You're not gonna forgive me?
540
00:23:44,657 --> 00:23:49,059
I said I was...
Serves you right.
541
00:23:57,453 --> 00:24:00,013
My friend was mugged!
542
00:24:11,901 --> 00:24:15,586
Mr. Unger, in appreciation
for your assistance
543
00:24:15,655 --> 00:24:17,988
in apprehending a known
and wanted criminal...
544
00:24:18,057 --> 00:24:19,406
How did you identify him?
545
00:24:19,475 --> 00:24:22,035
I recognized his
brand of stocking.
546
00:24:22,979 --> 00:24:26,313
It is my pleasure
to bestow upon you
547
00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:28,382
the Concerned
Citizens' Medallion.
548
00:24:28,451 --> 00:24:29,867
Ready?
549
00:24:29,936 --> 00:24:31,536
Thank you.
550
00:24:31,604 --> 00:24:34,805
I want my patrol partner,
Oscar Madison, in the picture.
551
00:24:34,874 --> 00:24:36,519
Oh, come on, Felix, I didn't do
anything. No, come on, come on, yeah.
552
00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:37,853
Full uniforms,
please. Full uniform.
553
00:24:37,877 --> 00:24:39,187
Put on your hat. Oh, no, no.
554
00:24:39,211 --> 00:24:40,523
Make him put on his
hat. Oh, come on, will ya?
555
00:24:40,547 --> 00:24:41,547
Right here.
39372
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