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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:06,771 All right, now, all those in favor 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,108 of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club starting our season 3 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:13,678 with Madame Butterfly again kindly signify by saying "aye." 4 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:14,679 Aye. Aye. Aye. 5 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:16,215 Those opposed? It's unanimous. 6 00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:17,727 We're going to have Madame Butterfly. 7 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:20,769 Great, oh, great... now, what we do first: Henry, 8 00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,999 talk to the man who rented us the kimonos and wigs last year, 9 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,189 but tell him this time he's 10 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,836 going to have to wait for his money. 11 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,058 Don't you have the money yet? 12 00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:28,755 I... I have it, don't worry about it. 13 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,979 As soon as I talk to Oscar, I'll have the money. 14 00:00:31,014 --> 00:00:33,015 Last year, my wig didn't fit. 15 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,210 Don't worry about your wig, Vivian. 16 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:34,999 I had a headache all through the second act. 17 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,402 You won't have a headache. 18 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:39,187 We'll make your wig fit. Look who's here! Mr. Madison! 19 00:00:39,255 --> 00:00:40,355 Hi, everybody. 20 00:00:40,423 --> 00:00:41,757 ♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪ 21 00:00:41,826 --> 00:00:43,358 ♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪ 22 00:00:43,427 --> 00:00:47,463 ♪ Hello, Oscar! ♪ 23 00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:48,909 I want... I want to talk to you. 24 00:00:48,933 --> 00:00:51,445 Help yourselves. I made you some finger sandwiches. 25 00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:53,802 Hey, buddy... 26 00:00:53,871 --> 00:00:55,437 What's with the singing telegram? 27 00:00:55,506 --> 00:00:57,138 That's my opera group. 28 00:00:57,207 --> 00:00:58,841 They like you! 29 00:00:58,909 --> 00:01:01,510 Everybody likes you. 30 00:01:01,579 --> 00:01:03,295 All right, Felix, what do you want? 31 00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,775 What do you mean, what do I want? 32 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,143 I just want to talk to you. 33 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,466 Not now. I'm not in the mood. 34 00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:09,612 What's the matter? 35 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:10,969 Oh, you wouldn't understand. 36 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,615 Why, of course I would, buddy. 37 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:13,972 What happened? 38 00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:17,425 I got kicked out of the pool room. 39 00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:20,862 Not much left after you've 40 00:01:20,931 --> 00:01:22,826 been kicked out of a pool room, is there? 41 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,532 Well, I've been shooting so good lately, 42 00:01:24,601 --> 00:01:26,121 they're beginning to call me a hustler. 43 00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,769 Are you? No. 44 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:31,172 And I was counting on winning enough money to pay my bills. 45 00:01:31,241 --> 00:01:33,024 You're really something. 46 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,937 You... you love to gamble, don't you? 47 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,027 Don't nag me now, will ya? 48 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,173 I'm not nagging you. It's healthy. 49 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,475 You enjoy it. It's a good outlet. 50 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:39,959 It's perfectly normal. It's a good outlet?! 51 00:01:39,983 --> 00:01:41,628 You ought to quit the opera club... too many high notes. 52 00:01:41,652 --> 00:01:42,932 I'm not kidding. 53 00:01:42,987 --> 00:01:45,621 You... You're an expert on gambling, aren't you? 54 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,639 On gambling, yeah. Not on winning. 55 00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:49,007 Yeah, but you know odds. 56 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,787 You know the games. You know all those things. 57 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,577 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the savior 58 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:56,748 of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club, Oscar Madison! 59 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:09,427 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself 60 00:02:09,496 --> 00:02:11,563 from his place of residence. 61 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,266 That request came from his wife. 62 00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,668 Deep down, he knew she was right, 63 00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:20,172 but he also knew that someday he would return to her. 64 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,140 With nowhere else to go, 65 00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:24,927 he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. 66 00:02:24,995 --> 00:02:26,194 Several years earlier, 67 00:02:26,263 --> 00:02:27,841 Madison's wife had thrown him out, 68 00:02:27,865 --> 00:02:30,549 requesting that he never return. 69 00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:33,068 Can two divorced men share an apartment 70 00:02:33,137 --> 00:02:35,097 without driving each other crazy? 71 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,752 ♪ ♪ 72 00:03:21,986 --> 00:03:25,920 The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 73 00:03:29,993 --> 00:03:31,359 Meeting adjourned. 74 00:03:31,427 --> 00:03:33,161 Meeting adjourned, I'll see you... 75 00:03:33,229 --> 00:03:34,641 You'll find out. You'll find out. 76 00:03:34,665 --> 00:03:36,275 You won't have any trouble, will you, Felix? 77 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,877 Don't worry, just let me talk to him alone. 78 00:03:37,901 --> 00:03:39,462 Everything's going to be all right. You will check on my wig? 79 00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:43,326 Don't worry about your wig, Vivian. 80 00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:51,229 Oscar? No. 81 00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:52,697 I didn't say anything. 82 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:53,976 Why do you say "no"? 83 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,517 Let's start with "no," we'll work from there. 84 00:03:59,023 --> 00:04:01,234 My opera club is in desperate trouble. 85 00:04:01,258 --> 00:04:02,590 I know, I've heard them sing. 86 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:07,796 That's a goody. 87 00:04:07,865 --> 00:04:10,666 You're some character, you really are. 88 00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,014 You made yourself a sandwich 89 00:04:12,069 --> 00:04:13,513 and now you've got my finger sandwiches? 90 00:04:13,537 --> 00:04:15,017 Yeah, they're going to be for dessert. 91 00:04:17,141 --> 00:04:18,806 You know, the opera club 92 00:04:18,875 --> 00:04:21,659 has been operating for several years at a steady loss. 93 00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:22,794 So have I. 94 00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:27,532 You know, every year, we run a fund-raising event... 95 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,967 All right, how much are the tickets 96 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,818 and what is the make of the car? 97 00:04:30,887 --> 00:04:33,538 We're not going to have some corny raffle. 98 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:34,886 That's for Easter. 99 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,320 Now what we're going to do this year... 100 00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,322 we're going to have a Monte Carlo Night. 101 00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:41,524 Gambling for the sake of the opera. Good. 102 00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,298 Go ahead, it's all right with me. 103 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:47,102 Well, there's only one... one problem. 104 00:04:47,171 --> 00:04:48,814 We don't know much about gambling. 105 00:04:48,838 --> 00:04:50,004 What's to know? 106 00:04:50,074 --> 00:04:51,514 You call your bookie and then, later, 107 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:53,375 you send him a check. 108 00:04:53,444 --> 00:04:55,321 Hmm, running a Monte Carlo Night's a lot more 109 00:04:55,345 --> 00:04:56,911 complicated than that. 110 00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:59,264 All right, Felix, what do you want from me? 111 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:02,951 Put that down! 112 00:05:03,019 --> 00:05:05,620 Not back in there after it's been in your mouth! 113 00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:12,511 All right, here's what I want you to do. 114 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,690 You'd know where to rent gambling equipment. 115 00:05:14,714 --> 00:05:17,165 We don't know that and you could get it at the right price. 116 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:20,018 Then, teach our members how to operate the equipment. 117 00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,781 Then, set the odds so we make a lot of money. 118 00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:23,416 Then, spread the word around so we'll have 119 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:24,650 a lot of people there gambling. 120 00:05:24,674 --> 00:05:25,935 Then, on the night of the event, 121 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,787 you run everything. Mm-hmm. 122 00:05:27,811 --> 00:05:29,010 Can you do that? Sure. 123 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,023 Just let me step into a telephone booth, 124 00:05:31,047 --> 00:05:33,315 change into my cape, break a date with Lois Lane 125 00:05:33,383 --> 00:05:35,150 and I'll be right out. 126 00:05:35,218 --> 00:05:37,552 I know it's a lot of work, but you've, 127 00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:39,365 you've run gambling nights before. 128 00:05:39,389 --> 00:05:40,822 Yeah, in Vinnie's garage. 129 00:05:40,891 --> 00:05:42,802 I brought the equipment in my pocket. 130 00:05:42,826 --> 00:05:45,443 Are you trying to say you don't want to help me? 131 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,579 Felix, I'm trying to tell you that I can't help you. 132 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:48,947 I don't have the time. 133 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:53,117 I would if I could, but honest, I really can't... honest. 134 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,119 Swell punch. 135 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,560 All right. 136 00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:04,228 We won't have a Monte Carlo Night, that's all. 137 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:06,230 No law says we have to. 138 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,669 No law says we have to have an opera. 139 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,415 We lived without penicillin all these years, 140 00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:14,105 we'll live without this. 141 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:15,451 Oh, I'm sure somebody in the club knows 142 00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:16,519 someone who could handle it. 143 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,987 They don't know anybody like that. 144 00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,171 They're all decent people. 145 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,143 I didn't mean that. I didn't mean wha... 146 00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:25,650 Aw, come on, do it, please. 147 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,385 It'll be so much fun. 148 00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:28,819 On the night of the event, 149 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,354 we'll have a special ad 150 00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,085 featuring your picture in the program. 151 00:06:32,109 --> 00:06:34,993 "Thanks to Oscar Madison, without whom, 152 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,995 "our production of Madame Butterfly 153 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,598 would have been Madame Moth." 154 00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,783 You set the odds. 155 00:06:41,851 --> 00:06:43,463 You know, I did have a dream once 156 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:46,421 that I was Humphrey Bogart and I was running a casino. 157 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,468 Everybody came to see Rick, see. 158 00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:49,636 Yeah. That would be nice. 159 00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:52,226 And this time, all the money goes to the opera. 160 00:06:52,295 --> 00:06:55,930 In the dream, I got all the money and Ingrid Bergman. 161 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,410 Come on, you'll do it, won't you? 162 00:06:57,434 --> 00:06:58,478 Please? All right, yes. 163 00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:00,413 I knew you would! I knew you would. 164 00:07:00,437 --> 00:07:03,137 Grazie. Mille grazie! 165 00:07:03,206 --> 00:07:04,639 Hasta la vista. 166 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,109 Faites vos jeux, mesdames et messieurs. 167 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,800 Faites vos jeux. 168 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,612 C'est demi faites vos jeux, ah... 169 00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:17,568 Three red! 170 00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:20,071 Trois rouge. Ah, nobody wins. 171 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,550 Quel dommage. Quel dommage. 172 00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:22,808 What are you doing, Felix? 173 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,287 A little atmosphere. Atmosphere. 174 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,122 And here we have the wheel of fortune. 175 00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,191 Around, around she goes, and where she stops... 176 00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:29,915 Que sera sera. 177 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,349 And what have we here? 178 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,029 What do you call this thing? Chuck-a-luck. 179 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,898 This is a Chuck-a-luck, mesdames et messieurs. 180 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:35,954 Faites vos jeux. 181 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:39,891 Oh, and you are in the sewer, too bad. 182 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,071 Maybe you are lucky in love, monsieur, eh? 183 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,095 Felix, when people are losing they don't like 184 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,264 to be laughed at, especially in two languages. 185 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,933 It's the only game in town. 186 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,179 What a crowd! 187 00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,413 You did such a great job. 188 00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,781 Where'd you get all these people? 189 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,206 It was easy, I told my bookie about it, he did the rest. 190 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:56,986 You mean, these are... 191 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,321 some of these are professional gamblers? 192 00:07:58,345 --> 00:07:59,422 Yeah. Oh, no! 193 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,012 Oh, no! 194 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,725 How could you do that to me? What's the matter? 195 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:05,066 Because professional gamblers know how to win. 196 00:08:05,135 --> 00:08:07,669 I want people who lose, like you. 197 00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,504 Professional gamblers 198 00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:11,417 spend a lot of money at places like this, 199 00:08:11,441 --> 00:08:13,586 not like those piccolo players you invited. 200 00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:14,770 Besides, you're winning. 201 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:15,938 Am I? Oh, the club's way ahead. 202 00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,440 Are we really? Yeah. 203 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,576 Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah, but Felix, listen! Whoa! 204 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,110 What? I think we ought to close. 205 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:23,301 Why? We said we'd close at 12:00. 206 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:24,948 Let's not get greedy. It's 12:00. 207 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,549 No, no, but you said we're winning. 208 00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:28,907 We're getting ahead. Yeah, but Felix, listen... 209 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,720 You said the odds are with the house, didn't you? 210 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,922 If we make more money, then we can put on two operas this year... 211 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,657 Yeah, but the odds can turn on you. 212 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,681 How can they turn when the odds are with the house? 213 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,311 I've seen it happen a million times. 214 00:08:38,335 --> 00:08:40,363 Eleven, a winner! Pay the man. 215 00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,852 A million and one times. 216 00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,959 Let it ride. 217 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,178 Game's closed! Game closed! 218 00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:52,913 You can't close the game now; I've got a bet on the table. 219 00:08:52,982 --> 00:08:55,266 Oui, monsieur. 220 00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:00,500 But he's got it all on one number. He's allowed. 221 00:09:00,524 --> 00:09:01,806 Listen, I'm the house. 222 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,586 You could lose your shirt on this game. 223 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,730 Why don't you spread it around, make it last? 224 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,547 Let it ride. Spin the wheel. 225 00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,884 I'm the house and it's my ball. 226 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,802 Everybody go home. 227 00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:17,221 I said let it ride. 228 00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,442 Can't, there's no ball. 229 00:09:21,511 --> 00:09:23,628 Then we'll use your eye. 230 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,756 Every cent. 231 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,926 We lost every cent. 232 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,596 Not only what we took in, but what we started out. 233 00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:02,300 We're wiped out! 234 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,502 I'm sorry, Felix. You're sorry! 235 00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:05,815 That's all you can say? 236 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,105 We're ruined! 237 00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:09,774 I'm ruined! They'll never talk to me again. 238 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,277 I blame you! 239 00:10:12,346 --> 00:10:13,428 You blame me?! 240 00:10:13,496 --> 00:10:15,763 Yes, bringing in professional gamblers, 241 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:18,266 playing numbers nobody ever heard of. 242 00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:20,568 Eleven! 243 00:10:22,405 --> 00:10:24,656 And that ball was tricky, too. 244 00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,808 It tasted funny. 245 00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,676 Felix, those are the breaks. 246 00:10:28,745 --> 00:10:30,356 That's why they call it gambling. 247 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,380 Anyway, it's your fault. My fault? 248 00:10:32,449 --> 00:10:34,932 I said to close at 12:00. You got greedy. 249 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,162 You're the one who blew it! 250 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,685 There's no sense in pointing 251 00:10:37,754 --> 00:10:40,788 the accusing finger of blame at anybody. 252 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,937 The point is, what are we going to do now? 253 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,842 There's nothing you can do now. 254 00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:46,377 Arnold won the money honestly. 255 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:47,979 Arnold? Yeah. 256 00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:49,147 You know him? 257 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:51,298 Yeah, I've known him a long time, you kidding? 258 00:10:54,971 --> 00:10:56,871 Put the twenties over here. 259 00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:58,784 And put the tens over there. What have you got there? 260 00:10:58,808 --> 00:11:00,808 And some singles here. 261 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,922 Where'd you get all that money? 262 00:11:02,946 --> 00:11:04,478 From Arnold, he owed it to me. 263 00:11:05,681 --> 00:11:07,292 What?! Yeah. 264 00:11:07,316 --> 00:11:09,583 Owed it to me since the year one. 265 00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,797 The "let it ride" guy owed you money? 266 00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,587 That's my Arnold. 267 00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:14,867 Well, that's wonderful. 268 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,924 Oh, don't touch the money, Felix. 269 00:11:16,993 --> 00:11:18,370 What a break! You're touching. 270 00:11:18,394 --> 00:11:21,262 I told you not to touch it. 271 00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:23,897 But now the Opera Club gets its money back. 272 00:11:23,966 --> 00:11:26,918 Yay! 273 00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,620 I don't think I heard you. 274 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,921 We're saved. 275 00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,956 We get our money back. 276 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,959 Now I know I didn't hear you. 277 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,345 Surely, you're not thinking of keeping that money. 278 00:11:37,413 --> 00:11:38,779 Why not? It's my money. 279 00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:40,031 No, it's not. 280 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,966 It belongs to the opera club. 281 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,435 How do you figure that? 282 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,803 Well, Arnold got it from us, you got it from him. 283 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,032 You give it back to us, then everybody's even. 284 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,338 That can't be right. See, I'd be out all this money. 285 00:11:52,362 --> 00:11:54,722 No, you wouldn't. You'd just be back where you started from. 286 00:11:54,764 --> 00:11:56,809 Yeah, but only Arnold wouldn't owe it to me anymore. 287 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,027 See, I had this money coming to me. 288 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,585 But it came from the opera club! 289 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,465 From them, to him, to you, to me. 290 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,238 It's like an isosceles triangle. 291 00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:08,676 Oh... An isosceles triangle. 292 00:12:08,744 --> 00:12:11,023 Now you explained it properly. 293 00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:12,992 Now all I have to do is call up Arnold, see? 294 00:12:13,016 --> 00:12:14,860 And I say, "Arnold, you know the money you paid me? 295 00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:16,095 "Well, I had to give it to my roommate 296 00:12:16,119 --> 00:12:19,253 to put on a production of Madame Butterfly. 297 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,983 So you're gonna have to pay me back again, see? 298 00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,736 And then he'll say, "I'll twist your little Rigoletto." 299 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,221 I'm not giving you this money! 300 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:29,113 Boy, talk about selfish! 301 00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:32,483 I'll tell you one thing! 302 00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,592 You're not going to get your picture in the program! 303 00:12:46,049 --> 00:12:47,159 Now, we're not going to panic. 304 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,227 We're not going to give up. 305 00:12:48,251 --> 00:12:49,845 We're just going to keep on trying. 306 00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:52,219 The costumer says if we don't come up with some money 307 00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:54,839 by this weekend, we can forget about the kimonos. 308 00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:56,290 What about my wig? 309 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,070 Don't worry about your wig, Vivian. 310 00:12:58,094 --> 00:12:59,294 Your wig's going to be fine. 311 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,362 Felix, you told us you could get that money back. 312 00:13:01,431 --> 00:13:02,658 I'll get it. I'll get it. 313 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,248 I'm, I'm wearing him down. 314 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:05,950 This morning he talked to me. 315 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,551 That... that's something. 316 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,831 Well, if there's nothing else, 317 00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,433 I think maybe we better break up the meeting, 318 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,941 because I don't want you here when he comes home. 319 00:13:13,009 --> 00:13:14,859 We just started. I know, but he says 320 00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,223 the group makes him nervous, and I want to talk to him. 321 00:13:17,247 --> 00:13:19,063 Hey, hi, gang. How are you? 322 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,476 You're going? Why don't you stick around? 323 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,632 We'll have a beer. 324 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,003 Nothing? 325 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,314 Let us know what happens, Felix. 326 00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,405 We'll have a season. Don't worry. 327 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,393 Don't worry about your wig, Vivian. 328 00:13:31,127 --> 00:13:32,804 What's with the silent treatment? 329 00:13:32,828 --> 00:13:33,839 Well, what do you expect from a group 330 00:13:33,863 --> 00:13:36,130 that's been denied a rehearsal hall? 331 00:13:36,199 --> 00:13:37,131 The landlord asked for the rent. 332 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,560 I told him, "I don't have the rent. 333 00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:40,567 Oscar Madison has the rent." 334 00:13:42,605 --> 00:13:44,750 Oscar, if we don't bring up the money for the costumes, 335 00:13:44,774 --> 00:13:46,352 he's going to sell them to a road company 336 00:13:46,376 --> 00:13:48,376 of Flower Drum Song. 337 00:13:48,444 --> 00:13:49,444 What do you want from me? 338 00:13:49,478 --> 00:13:51,257 In the three years I've lived here, 339 00:13:51,281 --> 00:13:54,548 I have never asked you for one red cent. 340 00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:55,861 That's the one thing I liked about you. 341 00:13:55,885 --> 00:13:57,662 I'm not asking you for any money now. 342 00:13:57,686 --> 00:13:59,420 All I'm asking for is a loan. 343 00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:00,871 A loan? 344 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:04,042 What are you going to put up for collateral, your vaporizer? 345 00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:08,395 Oscar, if I, if I don't give the money back to you 346 00:14:08,464 --> 00:14:13,034 in six months, I guarantee you I'll do anything you say. 347 00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:18,067 Right. I'll even move out. 348 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,307 You got it! 349 00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,313 Well, we figured out 350 00:14:25,381 --> 00:14:28,483 that if we just charge 35 cents more per ticket, 351 00:14:28,551 --> 00:14:30,985 we'll have enough to pay Oscar back. 352 00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:32,981 Well, it just means we won't have our picnic this year, 353 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:34,104 that's all. 354 00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:35,356 I'll have the money tonight. 355 00:14:35,424 --> 00:14:36,657 Okay, good. 356 00:14:36,725 --> 00:14:39,660 Oh, boy, am I glad to see you. 357 00:14:39,728 --> 00:14:40,739 How are ya? Did you bring... 358 00:14:40,763 --> 00:14:42,007 No, not out of the faucet. 359 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:42,964 Come on! 360 00:14:43,032 --> 00:14:44,398 Tastes better that way. 361 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,399 Hey, you're making cookies! 362 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:46,578 Yeah, I'm making your favorites. 363 00:14:46,602 --> 00:14:47,882 Yeah, shaped like horses' heads. 364 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,550 Ah, cookies, that's the least I can do 365 00:14:51,574 --> 00:14:54,619 for the man who's giving us back our opera season. 366 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:55,854 Look at this. 367 00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:56,810 Ooh, they look good. 368 00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:58,429 Ooh, hot! Hey-ah! 369 00:14:58,497 --> 00:14:59,775 Ooh, good... good and hot, hot. 370 00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:00,731 Good, Oscar. 371 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,111 Ooh, you make the best cookies. 372 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,067 King of the cookies! 373 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,163 I'm king of the cookies. Yep. 374 00:15:04,187 --> 00:15:05,803 Did you bring the money? 375 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:08,623 Yeah, well, I want to give it to you on Wednesday. 376 00:15:08,692 --> 00:15:09,807 Good. 377 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,343 But you... Wednesday? 378 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,822 Yeah. I don't understand. 379 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:16,006 Well, see, Wednesday is when I'm gonna win it. 380 00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:17,893 So that's when I'm going to give it to you. 381 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,167 You're gonna win it? 382 00:15:20,236 --> 00:15:21,397 I thought... 383 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,488 Look, look Felix, I went to the bank this morning. 384 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:24,855 I took out the money and... 385 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,524 I just happened to be passing the pool room, and, uh... 386 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,593 And you lost it. 387 00:15:28,644 --> 00:15:29,910 No, no, I didn't lose it. 388 00:15:29,979 --> 00:15:30,989 See, I ran into Sure-Shot Wilson, 389 00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,892 and he challenged me to a game. 390 00:15:32,916 --> 00:15:34,081 And you lost the money! 391 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,883 I did not lose the money. 392 00:15:35,951 --> 00:15:38,752 Now, this man is the champ of the 34th Street Pool Room. 393 00:15:38,821 --> 00:15:40,487 Now he challenged me, Felix. 394 00:15:40,556 --> 00:15:43,373 One game... 250 points for the whole pile. 395 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:44,519 See, Wednesday I'll have a lot of money 396 00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:46,594 and you'll still have your money. 397 00:15:46,662 --> 00:15:50,764 Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! 398 00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:52,900 You see, he challenged me! 399 00:15:52,969 --> 00:15:54,034 Everybody was around. 400 00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:56,114 They were looking... Arnold... all my friends. 401 00:15:56,138 --> 00:15:57,405 I mean, what could I say? 402 00:15:57,474 --> 00:15:58,917 If I'd backed down, if I'd chickened out... 403 00:15:58,941 --> 00:16:01,020 Wow, they'd probably never would talk to me again. 404 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,844 Don't you understand? 405 00:16:03,913 --> 00:16:05,646 Understand? 406 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,660 Sure, I know you don't want to be humiliated 407 00:16:07,684 --> 00:16:08,804 in front of your friends. 408 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:12,720 Yeah, see, so I put up the money. 409 00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:14,655 What's done is done. 410 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:15,735 As Macbeth said, 411 00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:19,193 "What's done cannot be undone. 412 00:16:19,262 --> 00:16:20,928 Murderer!" 413 00:16:20,997 --> 00:16:22,930 Murderer... 414 00:16:22,999 --> 00:16:24,744 Macbeth! I can't talk to you. 415 00:16:24,768 --> 00:16:25,916 Where are you going? 416 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,496 I'm going to the pool room and practice. 417 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,452 Practice? 418 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:29,664 Yeah. 419 00:16:29,688 --> 00:16:31,283 I thought you were supposed to be so good. 420 00:16:31,307 --> 00:16:32,590 Oh, everybody practices. 421 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,402 Even the best player in the world practices. 422 00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:35,776 I'm going with you. 423 00:16:35,845 --> 00:16:36,855 What for? 424 00:16:36,879 --> 00:16:37,812 I want to protect my money. 425 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,024 I want to see if you're any good. 426 00:16:39,048 --> 00:16:40,125 You can't go to the pool room. 427 00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:41,226 Your mother won't let you. 428 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,083 I won't tell her. 429 00:16:52,662 --> 00:16:54,595 Ah, you missed. 430 00:16:54,664 --> 00:16:55,596 You didn't put anything in. 431 00:16:55,665 --> 00:16:57,298 Playing safety. 432 00:16:57,366 --> 00:16:59,144 It's a very important part of the game. 433 00:16:59,168 --> 00:17:00,312 I like when the white ball hits 434 00:17:00,336 --> 00:17:01,268 and makes them all go into every pocket. 435 00:17:01,337 --> 00:17:02,581 H-H-Here, here. 436 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:03,616 All right, you happy now? Hey, bravo! 437 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:04,756 Great! 438 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,335 Very great! You're very good at pool. 439 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,937 I wonder how you say "pool" in Italian. 440 00:17:07,961 --> 00:17:10,161 "La poola." 441 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:12,270 Do you know how to say "pool" in Italian? 442 00:17:13,816 --> 00:17:16,934 Pool... pool's a... pool's a lake... lago, lago. 443 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,352 Bravo in lago. 444 00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:21,956 Would you stand back a little bit, Felix, please? 445 00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:25,493 Ooh! 446 00:17:25,562 --> 00:17:27,829 Boy, you have to stand way back in this game, don't you? 447 00:17:34,504 --> 00:17:36,437 Bravo! Bravo in lago! 448 00:17:36,506 --> 00:17:37,404 How do you know when you're winning 449 00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:38,739 if you play by yourself? 450 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,853 If I get the balls in the pockets, I'm winning. 451 00:17:40,877 --> 00:17:43,160 Ah... Bravo, bravo, bravo! 452 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,528 Le-Let me try one. 453 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,130 All right, here, here. 454 00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:47,565 I didn't know you played pool. 455 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,411 I don't, but it's the same as golf, isn't it? 456 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:50,962 You just put a ball in a hole. 457 00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,186 I didn't know you played golf. 458 00:17:52,221 --> 00:17:54,488 I don't. Shoot! 459 00:17:54,557 --> 00:17:55,489 So what do I do? 460 00:17:55,558 --> 00:17:57,118 Make the nine ball in the corner pocket. 461 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,004 How do you know it's a nine ball? 462 00:17:59,028 --> 00:18:00,928 Take a look. 463 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:02,207 Oh... it's got a little number on it, hasn't it? 464 00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:05,399 Yeah, it's got a number. 465 00:18:05,467 --> 00:18:06,567 That's clever. 466 00:18:06,635 --> 00:18:10,537 Okay. 467 00:18:10,606 --> 00:18:11,538 Aha! 468 00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,957 Now, I'm going to put the... 469 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,209 14 ball in that... no, no... 470 00:18:18,881 --> 00:18:21,015 Put the 15 ball in this one. 471 00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:22,950 Hold it. 472 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,963 Come on, you can't do that. 473 00:18:24,987 --> 00:18:26,498 You've got to hit the cue ball where it stops. 474 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,733 You can't put it around the table, 475 00:18:27,757 --> 00:18:29,034 make everything a pocket hanger. 476 00:18:29,058 --> 00:18:31,892 Oh... that's much harder that way, isn't it? 477 00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:33,873 Yes, it's much harder that way. 478 00:18:33,897 --> 00:18:35,624 Felix, you want me to win that game? Yes. 479 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:38,208 Let me practice, leave me alone, please. 480 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,188 Who's that man there? 481 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,658 That's the guy holding the bet, the money. 482 00:18:49,178 --> 00:18:50,322 Where is he holding it? 483 00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:52,446 In the paper bag. 484 00:18:52,515 --> 00:18:53,914 Oh, he's asleep. 485 00:18:53,982 --> 00:18:55,960 Anybody could come along and take it. 486 00:18:55,984 --> 00:18:57,635 Is it safe? 487 00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:31,335 15 in the side pocket. 488 00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,489 Two ball in the side pocket. 489 00:19:37,226 --> 00:19:41,612 Sure-Shot Wilson: 240, Oscar: 237. 490 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,192 You made enough to pay for the costumes yet? 491 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,227 No, I haven't made enough to pay for the costumes yet. 492 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:46,199 What's taking you so long? 493 00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:47,901 I'm losing, Felix. 494 00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:49,448 You're losing? Yeah. 495 00:19:49,472 --> 00:19:53,240 Well, that, that, that's not what you're supposed to do. 496 00:19:53,309 --> 00:19:54,819 You're supposed to win. 497 00:19:54,843 --> 00:19:56,042 Tell him; he never misses. 498 00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:57,562 I haven't shot for an hour. 499 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,501 Listen to the cough on that guy. 500 00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:04,813 I don't believe it; I'm getting wiped out 501 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,081 and you're worried about his cough. 502 00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,133 I told you the ventilation in here was terrible. 503 00:20:08,157 --> 00:20:09,106 And that's a miss! 504 00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:11,025 Finally. Oscar. 505 00:20:11,093 --> 00:20:12,437 Here's your chance. Now you're going to win. 506 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,472 Now stay cool. 507 00:20:13,496 --> 00:20:14,974 Concentrate, concentrate on each ball. 508 00:20:14,998 --> 00:20:16,008 Don't get too excited. 509 00:20:16,032 --> 00:20:17,309 Can I shoot before the cue warps? 510 00:20:17,333 --> 00:20:19,266 Yes, yes. 511 00:20:19,335 --> 00:20:21,013 He's going to win 'cause he's my friend. 512 00:20:21,037 --> 00:20:22,503 He's good. 513 00:20:22,571 --> 00:20:25,572 Bravo, bravo in lago, bravo, bravo. 514 00:20:27,543 --> 00:20:29,243 Felix Unger, commercial photographer, 515 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,611 portraits a specialty. 516 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,513 Yeah. 517 00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:41,522 Some cough you've got. 518 00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:44,958 What cough? 519 00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:48,713 Listen to you. 520 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,816 See? 521 00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,884 You know what causes that, don't you? 522 00:20:56,638 --> 00:20:59,774 Look, Mac, I'm trying to concentrate on the game. 523 00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,241 Will you please cool it? 524 00:21:01,310 --> 00:21:04,478 Try to do someone a favor. 525 00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:09,850 Six ball in the side. 526 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:16,340 What causes it? 527 00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:18,776 Smoking, of course. 528 00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,811 I bet you smoke two packs a day. 529 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,913 Four. 530 00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,682 Four?! 531 00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:26,884 You smoke four packages of cigarettes a day? 532 00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:28,152 Mm-hmm. 533 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,486 My Uncle Edward used to smoke 534 00:21:29,555 --> 00:21:31,155 four packages of cigarettes a day. 535 00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,024 He quit? 536 00:21:33,092 --> 00:21:36,127 He died. 537 00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:38,345 Uncle Edward was only 46 years of age. 538 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,066 I'm 45. 539 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,638 You look older. 540 00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:56,514 When you cough, where do you feel it worse... 541 00:21:56,582 --> 00:21:58,649 In your throat or down in your chest? 542 00:21:58,717 --> 00:22:00,162 What difference does it make? 543 00:22:00,186 --> 00:22:01,763 I mean, is it important? 544 00:22:01,787 --> 00:22:03,537 The right answer could save your life. 545 00:22:07,193 --> 00:22:08,236 Chest. Mm. 546 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:09,193 Throat! 547 00:22:09,261 --> 00:22:11,821 I should have said throat! 548 00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:23,735 When did you last have a chest X-ray? 549 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:24,770 Chest X-ray? 550 00:22:24,794 --> 00:22:27,010 Yeah, well, you might have emphysema. 551 00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:28,228 And it's a miss. 552 00:22:28,297 --> 00:22:31,198 Oscar: 248, Sure-Shot: 240. 553 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,333 Sure-Shot, it's your shot. 554 00:22:32,401 --> 00:22:34,629 You know, it used to get me first 555 00:22:34,653 --> 00:22:36,598 in the throat and then... Sure-Shot, Sure-Shot. 556 00:22:36,622 --> 00:22:38,167 Into the chest, of course. Shoot pool. 557 00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:39,501 What? Pool, remember? 558 00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:41,091 Oh. 559 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:42,759 That's bad, huh? Yeah. 560 00:22:46,749 --> 00:22:52,019 Here, hold these for me, will you? 561 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,380 12 ball. 562 00:23:03,449 --> 00:23:04,631 It's a miss. 563 00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:07,260 All right, Oscar. 564 00:23:17,947 --> 00:23:18,947 Oh! 565 00:23:25,421 --> 00:23:26,937 I knew it was going to be a tough one. 566 00:23:29,492 --> 00:23:31,436 Hey! 567 00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:33,205 Oscar Madison, the winner! You did it, you did it! 568 00:23:33,229 --> 00:23:35,440 When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Don't show too much emotion. 569 00:23:35,464 --> 00:23:36,608 No, don't show too much emotion 570 00:23:36,632 --> 00:23:37,842 here in the pool room, will you? 571 00:23:37,866 --> 00:23:39,600 Here's your money, Oscar. 572 00:23:39,669 --> 00:23:40,812 I knew you could do it, I knew you... 573 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:41,836 H-Here's your money. 574 00:23:41,904 --> 00:23:45,306 Go get your costumes, go ahead, go. 575 00:23:45,374 --> 00:23:49,042 Mr. Sure-Shot, I, uh, I'm naturally elated 576 00:23:49,111 --> 00:23:51,812 that my friend won, but I hope I didn't upset you. 577 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:52,813 Forget it. 578 00:23:52,881 --> 00:23:54,915 You taught me one lesson. 579 00:23:54,983 --> 00:23:57,484 Never shoot pool without a cigarette. 580 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,574 Such a nervous man. 581 00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:04,642 I made him nervous. 582 00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:06,076 Did you see the way he was shaking? 583 00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:08,457 When I told him about my Uncle Edward, he got so upset. 584 00:24:08,481 --> 00:24:09,412 Who? 585 00:24:09,482 --> 00:24:10,592 My Uncle Edward. 586 00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:12,656 The one that was killed in the bus crash. 587 00:24:23,329 --> 00:24:25,262 Oscar. 588 00:24:25,331 --> 00:24:28,833 It was the best opening night our club ever had. 589 00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:31,134 Aw, that's great. And we owe it all to you. 590 00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:32,135 We've got something for you. 591 00:24:32,204 --> 00:24:33,437 ♪ Hmm, hmm ♪ 592 00:24:33,506 --> 00:24:37,174 ♪ Glory unto Oscar Madison ♪ 593 00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:40,894 ♪ Here's a thank you now that our work is done ♪ 594 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:44,515 ♪ Glory and bravo to Oscar M. ♪ 595 00:24:44,584 --> 00:24:46,027 ♪ He wrote out a check, he stuck out his neck ♪ 596 00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:48,118 ♪ He's the best of them ♪ 597 00:24:48,187 --> 00:24:51,088 ♪ Oscar Madison, Oscar Madison ♪ 598 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:56,059 ♪ Oscar Madison...! ♪ 42751

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