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1
00:00:53,539 --> 00:00:54,915
Looks like the ruddy Krauts
2
00:00:54,915 --> 00:00:56,834
are on their way
to a costume party.
3
00:00:56,875 --> 00:00:59,378
The elite SS...
Animals!
4
00:01:02,214 --> 00:01:03,674
Colonel Deutsch,
I'm Colonel Klink.
5
00:01:03,716 --> 00:01:04,967
This is indeed
a great honor.
6
00:01:05,009 --> 00:01:06,635
I know.
7
00:01:06,677 --> 00:01:08,887
To have one of the truly
great war heroes
8
00:01:08,929 --> 00:01:11,682
right here in Stalag 13
is a personal honor for me.
9
00:01:11,724 --> 00:01:14,310
You know, I've heard
so much about you, sir.
10
00:01:14,351 --> 00:01:16,270
I cannot say the
same about you.
11
00:01:16,270 --> 00:01:18,147
What would they
be doing here?
12
00:01:18,188 --> 00:01:20,441
Maybe they came
to capture us again.
13
00:01:20,482 --> 00:01:22,234
Very thorough,
the Germans.
14
00:01:22,276 --> 00:01:24,737
Sir, to what do I owe
this great honor?
15
00:01:24,778 --> 00:01:26,113
A warning, Klink.
16
00:01:26,113 --> 00:01:28,198
Tomorrow my regiment
will be conducting
17
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,909
training exercises nearby,
and I want you to keep
18
00:01:30,951 --> 00:01:33,120
all your personnel
out of the area.
19
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:36,081
Sir, I can assure you
there will be no interference.
20
00:01:36,123 --> 00:01:37,458
Schultz, notify the guards.
21
00:01:37,458 --> 00:01:38,500
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
22
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,002
So,
23
00:01:40,044 --> 00:01:43,172
those are the pigs
in your pigpen, huh?
24
00:01:43,213 --> 00:01:45,966
Well, I suppose,
if you want to call it that.
25
00:01:45,966 --> 00:01:47,676
Tell me something.
26
00:01:47,718 --> 00:01:50,471
Do the swine ever give you
any trouble, eh?
27
00:01:50,471 --> 00:01:52,973
Colonel Deutsch,
in over 200 attempts,
28
00:01:52,973 --> 00:01:55,851
we have never had a
successful escape from Stalag 13.
29
00:01:55,893 --> 00:01:59,396
Uh-huh. I never
worry about prisoners.
30
00:01:59,438 --> 00:02:01,815
I never take any.
31
00:02:01,857 --> 00:02:03,484
You don't?
32
00:02:03,484 --> 00:02:07,780
I like my enemy
only one way.
33
00:02:07,821 --> 00:02:09,490
Dead.
34
00:02:12,910 --> 00:02:14,536
Colonel!
What are you...
35
00:02:21,460 --> 00:02:24,671
Oh, Colonel, you seem
to have dropped something.
36
00:02:24,713 --> 00:02:26,840
My compliments, Colonel.
37
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,342
That is one of the grenades
38
00:02:28,383 --> 00:02:30,010
we will be using
in our war games.
39
00:02:30,052 --> 00:02:32,638
Tell me something,
how did you know it was a blank?
40
00:02:32,679 --> 00:02:34,306
Easy. If it were a live grenade,
41
00:02:34,348 --> 00:02:35,974
you would've been
the first to run.
42
00:02:37,684 --> 00:02:39,144
You see, both you and I know
43
00:02:39,186 --> 00:02:40,854
you're not a member
of a superrace.
44
00:02:40,854 --> 00:02:43,357
After our war games,
45
00:02:43,357 --> 00:02:45,901
I shall teach you respect
for the SS.
46
00:02:45,943 --> 00:02:46,902
I doubt it.
47
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:49,988
Medic!
48
00:02:50,030 --> 00:02:54,535
Medic! Get him off me!
49
00:03:11,135 --> 00:03:13,053
Sir, you did us proud
out there.
50
00:03:13,053 --> 00:03:15,597
Yeah, you really told
those smug supermen.
51
00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:18,267
All right, hold it, let's give
credit where credit's due.
52
00:03:18,308 --> 00:03:20,644
It was a beautiful
practical joke.
53
00:03:20,686 --> 00:03:23,063
But we may have
the last laugh.
54
00:03:23,105 --> 00:03:25,899
If you have a nasty plan
for them, count us in.
55
00:03:25,941 --> 00:03:28,318
The war games
they're having tomorrow.
56
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,405
I see casualties,
lots of casualties.
57
00:03:31,405 --> 00:03:32,739
Casualties in war games?
58
00:03:32,781 --> 00:03:34,032
Aw, a few get hurt,
sir, but...
59
00:03:34,074 --> 00:03:36,076
I see a lot more
than a few.
60
00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:38,996
You want us to take on
a whole SS regiment?
61
00:03:39,037 --> 00:03:41,248
No. We let them
take on each other.
62
00:03:41,290 --> 00:03:44,251
Now, picture, if you will,
63
00:03:44,293 --> 00:03:48,422
the fascinating consequences
if this dummy ammunition
64
00:03:48,463 --> 00:03:51,925
used in the war games
is sprinkled
65
00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:54,636
with a goodly amount
of the real McCoy.
66
00:03:54,678 --> 00:03:56,346
Hey, that's a
smashing idea!
67
00:03:56,388 --> 00:03:58,765
It sure is! When they
start going boom-boom,
68
00:03:58,765 --> 00:04:00,225
they really go
boom-boom!
69
00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:02,102
Sort of a do-it-yourself
massacre.
70
00:04:02,102 --> 00:04:03,770
Colonel Hogan,
you're a genius,
71
00:04:03,812 --> 00:04:05,355
a diabolical genius.
72
00:04:05,397 --> 00:04:09,234
In school, I was voted the Most
Likely to Be a Troublemaker.
73
00:04:09,276 --> 00:04:10,944
But, sir, I think
it's a brilliant idea,
74
00:04:10,944 --> 00:04:12,279
but I do have
one small question.
75
00:04:12,362 --> 00:04:14,114
How do we pull it off?
Right.
76
00:04:14,156 --> 00:04:16,700
All right.
We're gonna heist
77
00:04:16,742 --> 00:04:20,078
some live ammunition from
the camp arsenal, Check.
78
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,248
Haul it to the SS ammo
dump, make the switch, Check.
79
00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:25,417
And be back
before roll call.
80
00:04:25,459 --> 00:04:27,169
Your check just bounced.
81
00:04:27,210 --> 00:04:28,962
Whenever we have
visiting brass,
82
00:04:28,962 --> 00:04:32,299
Klink always tightens security
and doubles the guard.
83
00:04:41,016 --> 00:04:43,769
You know, Kinch,
that's what I hate about you.
84
00:04:43,810 --> 00:04:46,647
Every time I start rolling,
you make sense.
85
00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:48,774
They just doubled the guard.
86
00:04:48,815 --> 00:04:52,319
We need
a diversion.
87
00:04:52,361 --> 00:04:54,321
What's going on here?
88
00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:57,199
LeBEAU: We were just
playing ring-around-the-rosy.
89
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,326
What is ring-around-the-rosy?
90
00:04:59,368 --> 00:05:01,745
It's a code name, Schultz,
for a secret allied operation.
91
00:05:01,787 --> 00:05:04,122
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to hear anything.
92
00:05:04,164 --> 00:05:05,707
I hear nothing!
93
00:05:05,749 --> 00:05:07,542
We had enough trouble today
94
00:05:07,584 --> 00:05:11,838
with those crazy SS
and the hand grenade. No!
95
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,342
I'm here on, um,
personal business.
96
00:05:15,342 --> 00:05:17,677
Oh? What can we do
for you, Schultz?
97
00:05:28,146 --> 00:05:29,940
I would like to buy a gift.
98
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,900
Well, you've come
to the right place.
99
00:05:31,942 --> 00:05:33,693
Newkirk, what do
we got in stock?
100
00:05:33,735 --> 00:05:35,153
Well, uh,
101
00:05:35,195 --> 00:05:36,738
is this for a
man or a lady?
102
00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:38,156
A man.
103
00:05:43,537 --> 00:05:44,871
Ooh...
Yeah, what about
104
00:05:44,871 --> 00:05:46,248
something nice
in a watch?
105
00:05:46,289 --> 00:05:47,958
No. He has a watch.
106
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:49,417
He's got a watch, eh?
107
00:05:49,459 --> 00:05:51,169
Hold on, hold on.
108
00:05:51,211 --> 00:05:53,880
Ah. Cigarette lighter.
Look at this.
109
00:05:53,922 --> 00:05:56,383
"To H.G., from J.G."
110
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,051
"To H.G., from J.G."
111
00:05:58,051 --> 00:05:59,386
What does it mean?
112
00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:02,055
Uh, to Hermann Goring,
from Joseph Goebbels.
113
00:06:02,139 --> 00:06:03,807
How did you get it?
114
00:06:03,849 --> 00:06:06,393
Well, it was a mad weekend I
was spending at Berchtesgaden.
115
00:06:06,393 --> 00:06:10,021
The wine...
No, thank you.
116
00:06:10,063 --> 00:06:13,567
I am not interested
in a lighter.
117
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,901
How about a wallet, Schultz? No.
118
00:06:14,943 --> 00:06:16,069
A fountain pen?
No.
119
00:06:16,111 --> 00:06:17,279
Tie clip?
No.
120
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,573
Hey, Schultz, how
would these suit you?
121
00:06:19,573 --> 00:06:22,576
You don't see bookends
around as handsome as these.
122
00:06:22,576 --> 00:06:26,079
Oh... ja, I like that.
123
00:06:26,121 --> 00:06:27,330
How much?
124
00:06:27,372 --> 00:06:28,748
Well, they're
five dollars,
125
00:06:28,748 --> 00:06:31,793
but, well, you could
have them for $3.98.
126
00:06:31,835 --> 00:06:34,588
I'll take it. Here.
127
00:06:34,588 --> 00:06:37,507
One, two, three, four.
128
00:06:37,549 --> 00:06:41,136
You can keep the two cents
as a tip.
129
00:06:41,177 --> 00:06:42,387
You're all heart.
130
00:06:42,429 --> 00:06:43,805
You want them
gift-wrapped?
131
00:06:43,847 --> 00:06:45,640
No, thank you,
I'll do it myself.
132
00:06:45,682 --> 00:06:50,270
Oh, that will look nice
on Commandant Klink's desk.
133
00:06:50,270 --> 00:06:52,230
Oh, Schultz,
Colonel Klink?
134
00:06:52,272 --> 00:06:54,983
Ja. He has birthday today.
135
00:06:55,025 --> 00:06:56,318
That's funny...
He didn't tell me.
136
00:06:56,359 --> 00:06:58,528
Why should he tell you?
137
00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,489
A dear friend you are not.
138
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,914
You know, he's right.
139
00:07:08,955 --> 00:07:11,499
A dear friend I'm not...
But I'm gonna be.
140
00:07:11,541 --> 00:07:13,126
What do you mean,
Colonel?
141
00:07:13,168 --> 00:07:16,963
Gentlemen, I think we have
just found our diversion.
142
00:07:17,005 --> 00:07:19,215
Make sure that goes
right out, hmm?
143
00:07:19,257 --> 00:07:21,009
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
144
00:07:24,304 --> 00:07:25,805
Oh, hi, Hilda.
145
00:07:25,805 --> 00:07:27,307
- Guten Tag, Colonel.
- Colonel Hogan?
146
00:07:27,349 --> 00:07:28,642
Starlight Mist?
147
00:07:28,683 --> 00:07:30,435
Ja, that's right.
148
00:07:30,477 --> 00:07:31,811
What can I do for you,
Colonel Hogan?
149
00:07:31,853 --> 00:07:33,980
You usually wear
Fragrance of Paradise
150
00:07:34,022 --> 00:07:35,315
or Evening Passion.
151
00:07:35,315 --> 00:07:36,816
I never thought
you noticed.
152
00:07:36,983 --> 00:07:38,818
Colonel Hogan!
153
00:07:38,818 --> 00:07:40,195
Just a minute, sir.
154
00:07:40,236 --> 00:07:41,988
You know, I like
Fragrance of Paradise
155
00:07:42,030 --> 00:07:44,324
and Evening Passion,
but this one's the best yet.
156
00:07:44,366 --> 00:07:47,160
It's a little bit strong, but it
has a delicate, soft quality.
157
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,787
Don't you agree,
Colonel Klink?
158
00:07:48,828 --> 00:07:51,998
Well, personally,
I prefer Fragrance of Paradise.
159
00:07:51,998 --> 00:07:55,710
You see,
it's not quite so heavy and...
160
00:07:55,752 --> 00:07:57,754
Hogan, whatever kind of perfume
161
00:07:57,837 --> 00:08:00,465
my secretary wears
is none of your concern.
162
00:08:00,507 --> 00:08:02,217
Now, state your business!
163
00:08:02,258 --> 00:08:04,511
No business, sir.
164
00:08:04,511 --> 00:08:07,514
Just dropped by to
offer you congratulations.
165
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:09,140
Congratulations
for what?
166
00:08:09,182 --> 00:08:11,810
I heard it was your
birthday. Yes, it is.
167
00:08:11,851 --> 00:08:14,354
How many years has
it been today, sir?
168
00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:16,815
Now, that's none
of your business.
169
00:08:16,856 --> 00:08:18,650
Let me guess.
170
00:08:18,691 --> 00:08:20,693
I'd say 38 years.
171
00:08:20,693 --> 00:08:24,030
So, uh, you think
I'm 38 years old, huh?
172
00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:24,572
Thirty-seven?
173
00:08:25,865 --> 00:08:29,202
Today I am 50 years old.
174
00:08:29,202 --> 00:08:30,662
You're kidding!
175
00:08:30,703 --> 00:08:32,372
That is right.
176
00:08:32,414 --> 00:08:34,374
Oh, I'd never guess it
to look at you.
177
00:08:34,416 --> 00:08:36,000
Oh, it doesn't
surprise me that
178
00:08:36,042 --> 00:08:37,669
I'm such a youthful-
looking man.
179
00:08:37,710 --> 00:08:39,337
That is the way
we Germans live.
180
00:08:39,379 --> 00:08:41,756
A healthy mind
and a healthy...
181
00:08:42,048 --> 00:08:43,258
body.
182
00:08:43,299 --> 00:08:45,218
I, uh, I guess you
have discovered
183
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:47,429
the-the, uh, secret
of eternal youth.
184
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:48,805
Thank you, Hogan.
185
00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:51,057
Yeah, uh, the men and
I were talking, sir,
186
00:08:51,099 --> 00:08:53,059
and, uh, we'd like
to make sure that
187
00:08:53,059 --> 00:08:55,520
your birthday celebration
is a memorable one.
188
00:08:55,562 --> 00:08:58,064
Why would you want
to do something for me,
189
00:08:58,106 --> 00:08:59,899
your most hated enemy?
190
00:08:59,899 --> 00:09:01,025
Hated enemy, true,
191
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,861
but an enemy
we've learned to respect
192
00:09:02,902 --> 00:09:04,571
for the fearsome man
that you are.
193
00:09:04,571 --> 00:09:07,031
Oh, that's very touching,
Colonel Hogan,
194
00:09:07,073 --> 00:09:10,076
but, uh, I'm afraid
there won't be a celebration.
195
00:09:10,076 --> 00:09:12,078
I cannot afford
to let down my vigilance
196
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,580
even for one minute.
197
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:17,083
Now, uh... I may allow myself
198
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:18,918
to have a quiet dinner
199
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,963
with a few members
of my staff, perhaps...
200
00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:24,591
a glass of wine,
a birthday toast,
201
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,927
but then, back to work we go.
202
00:09:27,927 --> 00:09:29,387
There go our big plans.
203
00:09:29,429 --> 00:09:31,139
Uh, wait, Hogan!
204
00:09:31,181 --> 00:09:33,641
What, uh...
205
00:09:33,683 --> 00:09:35,602
"big plans" did you
have in mind, eh?
206
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:38,229
Oh, we were going to put
on a show, just for you.
207
00:09:38,271 --> 00:09:39,230
A show?
Yeah, yeah.
208
00:09:39,272 --> 00:09:40,231
Oh, now, wait, wait.
209
00:09:40,273 --> 00:09:41,482
Wait, Hogan.
210
00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:45,278
You were going to put
on a show just for me?
211
00:09:45,278 --> 00:09:47,071
As you said, you've got
a camp to take care of
212
00:09:47,113 --> 00:09:48,781
so you can't let down
your guard one minute.
213
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:50,366
Oh, wait, Hogan. Wait.
214
00:09:50,408 --> 00:09:53,578
I don't think I would be
letting down my guard
215
00:09:53,620 --> 00:09:55,371
if I permitted this show.
216
00:09:55,413 --> 00:09:57,999
No, your men would be
right under my nose
217
00:09:58,041 --> 00:09:59,375
all night long.
218
00:09:59,417 --> 00:10:01,377
What possible mischief
could they cause?
219
00:10:01,419 --> 00:10:02,378
You're right, sir.
220
00:10:02,420 --> 00:10:03,296
I never looked
at it that way.
221
00:10:04,422 --> 00:10:05,590
Very well, Hogan.
222
00:10:05,632 --> 00:10:07,926
If you are so anxious
to honor me, I, I think
223
00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:10,219
it would be ungracious
of me not to accept.
224
00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:12,055
The men would welcome the
opportunity to please you, sir.
225
00:10:13,222 --> 00:10:14,182
I would like to invite
226
00:10:14,223 --> 00:10:15,975
Colonel Deutsch here
for the festivities.
227
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:17,393
Oh, he would never come.
228
00:10:17,435 --> 00:10:20,271
I don't think he
likes me very much.
229
00:10:20,313 --> 00:10:23,191
That's hard to believe, sir.
230
00:10:23,232 --> 00:10:25,735
You know... I bet, uh...
231
00:10:25,777 --> 00:10:28,112
he'd come if Hilda went
with a personal invitation.
232
00:10:28,154 --> 00:10:29,948
After all, she's
wearing Starlight Mist.
233
00:10:29,989 --> 00:10:30,990
Yes.
234
00:10:31,032 --> 00:10:33,785
And he'd probably
welcome the chance
235
00:10:33,826 --> 00:10:35,995
for an evening
of relaxation.
236
00:10:36,037 --> 00:10:38,831
Might even put in a good word
for you at the High Command.
237
00:10:38,873 --> 00:10:41,709
Hogan, that is a splendid idea.
238
00:10:41,751 --> 00:10:45,296
This whole evening could
become quite a diversion.
239
00:10:45,338 --> 00:10:48,341
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
240
00:10:48,341 --> 00:10:49,717
All right, now,
the main thing
241
00:10:49,759 --> 00:10:52,011
is to keep them entertained
till the job is done.
242
00:10:52,053 --> 00:10:54,013
We don't want our audience
walking out on us.
243
00:10:54,055 --> 00:10:56,265
I will personally
hold them spellbound
244
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,351
with my repertoire
of songs, dances
245
00:10:58,393 --> 00:10:59,560
and snappy patter.
246
00:10:59,602 --> 00:11:00,770
I can hardly wait.
247
00:11:00,812 --> 00:11:03,022
The main thing is,
keep them entertained
248
00:11:03,064 --> 00:11:04,232
till I get back.
249
00:11:04,273 --> 00:11:05,525
Uh-oh. Bad
news, Colonel.
250
00:11:05,525 --> 00:11:06,859
Sergeant Richter's
in charge
251
00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:09,028
of the guard detail
at the arsenal tonight.
252
00:11:09,070 --> 00:11:10,697
Old Ironsides.
253
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,032
There goes
our timetable.
254
00:11:13,074 --> 00:11:15,952
We'll have to make sure
there's a change in the guard.
255
00:11:15,993 --> 00:11:16,953
Who do we get?
256
00:11:16,994 --> 00:11:17,995
Schultz. Schultz. Schultz.
257
00:11:18,037 --> 00:11:20,081
Schultz.
258
00:11:20,123 --> 00:11:22,917
Where did you get this?
259
00:11:22,959 --> 00:11:24,043
Oh, I found it
over there
260
00:11:24,085 --> 00:11:25,044
lying on the ground.
261
00:11:25,086 --> 00:11:29,382
We do not keep bullets
lying on the ground.
262
00:11:29,424 --> 00:11:31,259
I found it over there.
263
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:32,885
You did not!
264
00:11:32,927 --> 00:11:36,055
We are a very
neat army.
265
00:11:36,097 --> 00:11:37,265
You have any more?
266
00:11:37,306 --> 00:11:38,933
No, that was the only
one over there.
267
00:11:40,184 --> 00:11:41,310
There was nothing else there.
268
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,023
Newkirk...
269
00:11:46,065 --> 00:11:49,402
How did I know the blooming
bullet could breed?
270
00:11:49,402 --> 00:11:51,529
Now, Colonel Hogan,
271
00:11:51,571 --> 00:11:54,073
I hold you completely
responsible for this.
272
00:11:54,073 --> 00:11:56,075
Where did you get
this ammunition?
273
00:11:56,075 --> 00:11:59,036
I warn you, we have
ways to make you talk.
274
00:11:59,078 --> 00:12:01,372
Sir, you've been seeing
too many war movies.
275
00:12:01,414 --> 00:12:03,583
Silence! Now, where did
you get these bullets?
276
00:12:06,085 --> 00:12:08,713
Oh, all right, he got
them from the arsenal.
277
00:12:08,754 --> 00:12:09,881
Arsenal?
278
00:12:09,922 --> 00:12:11,048
Our arsenal?
279
00:12:11,090 --> 00:12:12,300
I think it was yours, sir.
280
00:12:12,341 --> 00:12:14,594
There was a German guard
standing in front of it.
281
00:12:16,429 --> 00:12:18,598
Newkirk, how'd you
get past the guard?
282
00:12:18,598 --> 00:12:20,099
He was dozing, sir.
283
00:12:21,893 --> 00:12:23,102
Schultz!
284
00:12:23,102 --> 00:12:24,270
Who's guarding
the arsenal?
285
00:12:24,312 --> 00:12:25,438
Sergeant Richter.
286
00:12:25,438 --> 00:12:27,106
Have him report
to me immediately.
287
00:12:27,106 --> 00:12:28,357
How dare he
sleep on duty!
288
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,901
He'll deny it,
of course.
289
00:12:29,942 --> 00:12:32,778
Colonel Hogan, just
leave the handling
290
00:12:32,778 --> 00:12:34,071
of my men to me.
291
00:12:34,113 --> 00:12:36,908
Your involvement in this
little escapade is over,
292
00:12:36,949 --> 00:12:38,868
and, unfortunately
for you, it has
293
00:12:38,910 --> 00:12:40,077
ended in failure.
294
00:12:40,119 --> 00:12:42,079
Yeah, no thanks
to old eagle-eye Schultz.
295
00:12:42,121 --> 00:12:44,123
With him around, we can't
get away with anything.
296
00:12:46,250 --> 00:12:48,294
Schultz! Until
further notice,
297
00:12:48,294 --> 00:12:50,588
you are assigned
to the arsenal.
298
00:12:50,630 --> 00:12:52,840
I'll miss your
birthday party.
299
00:12:53,007 --> 00:12:54,926
Dismissed.
300
00:12:55,009 --> 00:12:57,637
Happy birthday.
301
00:12:57,637 --> 00:12:59,305
I'll miss the birthday party
302
00:12:59,305 --> 00:13:01,432
and I'll miss the cake
when I'm guarding...
303
00:13:01,474 --> 00:13:03,601
Colonel Hogan.
304
00:13:05,811 --> 00:13:07,939
Causing such trouble
on my birthday...
305
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:09,774
I don't think
that's very nice.
306
00:13:09,815 --> 00:13:12,610
You know, sometimes
I just hate myself.
307
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,286
Achtung!
308
00:13:22,328 --> 00:13:24,372
And imagine, I was just
going to have a simple dinner
309
00:13:24,413 --> 00:13:27,416
and these fellows have decided
to do a whole complete show
310
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:28,542
just for me.
311
00:13:28,584 --> 00:13:29,585
Isn't that wonderful?
312
00:13:29,627 --> 00:13:30,670
I hope these seats
are comfortable.
313
00:13:32,838 --> 00:13:34,173
Yes?
314
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:52,525
Hold it down.
315
00:13:52,525 --> 00:13:54,110
Come on, pipe down.
316
00:13:56,028 --> 00:13:57,738
Show's just about to begin.
317
00:14:04,203 --> 00:14:05,871
♪ Hello! ♪
♪ Hello!
318
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,456
♪ We hope you'll like our show ♪
319
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:08,457
♪ We hope...
♪ We hope...
320
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:09,458
♪ We hope...
♪ We hope...
321
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,501
♪ We hope you like our show
322
00:14:10,543 --> 00:14:11,502
♪ The show ♪
323
00:14:11,544 --> 00:14:12,503
♪ You know ♪
324
00:14:12,545 --> 00:14:13,838
♪ Is for you Colonel Klink
325
00:14:13,879 --> 00:14:14,839
♪ A toast... ♪
♪ A toast...
326
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:15,840
♪ A toast... ♪
♪ A toast...
327
00:14:15,881 --> 00:14:16,882
♪ A happy birthday drink
328
00:14:20,678 --> 00:14:21,429
♪ We'll sing
329
00:14:21,470 --> 00:14:22,221
♪ And joke ♪
330
00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:23,597
♪ And entertain you folk ♪
331
00:14:23,639 --> 00:14:24,598
♪ You'll laugh ♪
332
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:25,933
♪ Scream ♪ Cry ♪ Sigh
333
00:14:25,975 --> 00:14:26,892
♪ And absolutely die!
334
00:14:30,062 --> 00:14:31,814
♪ So please don't go ♪
335
00:14:31,856 --> 00:14:33,232
♪ Please stay and see our show ♪
336
00:14:33,232 --> 00:14:34,233
♪ We hope...
♪ We hope...
337
00:14:34,233 --> 00:14:35,234
♪ We hope...
♪ We hope...
338
00:14:35,234 --> 00:14:40,531
♪ Stay and see our show! ♪
339
00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:50,291
Weren't they marvelous?
340
00:14:50,332 --> 00:14:51,584
You didn't think
it was funny?
341
00:14:51,584 --> 00:14:53,919
Wagner, it was not.
342
00:14:54,754 --> 00:14:57,089
Evening, lady and gents.
343
00:14:57,131 --> 00:14:58,924
Now you're probably
all wondering
344
00:14:58,924 --> 00:15:02,011
what we're doing here gathered
in the middle of Germany.
345
00:15:02,052 --> 00:15:03,971
Well, now I can tell you.
346
00:15:04,013 --> 00:15:05,931
We've been captured.
347
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:09,685
I must say,
that's very funny.
348
00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:11,937
It's not, no.
349
00:15:11,937 --> 00:15:15,566
I shall now give you my world
famous impersonations of...
350
00:15:15,608 --> 00:15:18,277
Sidney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre
and Humphrey Bogart
351
00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:20,946
in a scene
from any of their films.
352
00:15:20,946 --> 00:15:22,448
Sidney's the first one
to speak.
353
00:15:22,490 --> 00:15:24,700
Are you game, sir?
354
00:15:24,742 --> 00:15:26,368
I really can't.
355
00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:29,663
Well, it's pretty hard to refuse
356
00:15:29,705 --> 00:15:33,292
when the invitation is engraved
on a .45 automatic.
357
00:15:35,127 --> 00:15:38,756
I asked you to come along
quietly, didn't I?
358
00:15:38,797 --> 00:15:42,009
Wilmer, Wilmer, I told you
no guns, sir.
359
00:15:42,051 --> 00:15:43,636
Yes, I know, but...
360
00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:45,471
Shut up, Wilmer.
361
00:15:45,513 --> 00:15:46,514
Tell me, sir.
362
00:15:46,555 --> 00:15:48,682
Do you wish
to ask me a question?
363
00:15:48,724 --> 00:15:50,351
Yes, sir. Might...
364
00:15:50,392 --> 00:15:51,810
Wilmer!
365
00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:54,021
Yeah, I got a question
for you, fatso.
366
00:15:54,063 --> 00:15:57,858
Sprechen ze Deutsche?
367
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:00,319
Fluently, sir, fluently.
368
00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:02,863
Then dropenze dead.
369
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:09,912
And now, on with our show,
the first act of the evening,
370
00:16:09,954 --> 00:16:13,165
an international star,
the toast of Paris,
371
00:16:13,207 --> 00:16:14,708
Corporal Louis LeBeau.
372
00:16:14,750 --> 00:16:15,751
Let's hear it.
373
00:16:17,836 --> 00:16:18,837
Uh, if you'll
excuse me,
374
00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:20,589
I'll check how things
are going backstage.
375
00:16:21,632 --> 00:16:25,010
♪ Alouette, gentil alouette
376
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:28,472
♪ Alouette, je te plumerai
377
00:16:28,514 --> 00:16:29,974
♪ Je te plumerai la tête ♪
378
00:16:30,015 --> 00:16:31,475
♪ Je te plumerai
la tête ♪
379
00:16:31,517 --> 00:16:32,726
♪ Je te plumerai les yeux ♪
380
00:16:32,768 --> 00:16:34,144
♪ Je te plumerai
les yeux... ♪
381
00:16:34,186 --> 00:16:36,021
It's going to take
some doing, you know, sir,
382
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,148
keeping that Colonel Deutsch
happy for two hours.
383
00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:40,150
I mean, if our boys
start tossing things,
384
00:16:40,192 --> 00:16:41,151
it's only insulting,
385
00:16:41,193 --> 00:16:43,028
but if, but if he
doesn't like the show,
386
00:16:43,028 --> 00:16:45,072
he's going to start
tossing hand grenades.
387
00:16:45,114 --> 00:16:46,407
Better go do
your magic act.
388
00:16:46,448 --> 00:16:47,408
Keep it rolling.
389
00:16:47,449 --> 00:16:48,659
Don't worry, sir.
390
00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:50,995
We'll stand on our
heads if we have to.
391
00:16:51,036 --> 00:16:52,121
You're a credit
to show biz.
392
00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:55,624
♪ Je te plumerai le bec
393
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,042
♪ Je te plumerai
le bec ♪
394
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,711
♪ Je te plumerai le cou
395
00:16:58,711 --> 00:17:00,295
♪ Je te plumerai
le cou ♪
396
00:17:00,337 --> 00:17:01,964
♪ Et la tête ♪
♪ Et la tête ♪
397
00:17:02,006 --> 00:17:03,757
♪ Et les yeux ♪
♪ Et les yeux
398
00:17:03,799 --> 00:17:05,217
♪ Et le bec
♪ Et le bec
399
00:17:05,259 --> 00:17:06,218
♪ Et le cou ♪
400
00:17:06,218 --> 00:17:07,219
♪ Et le cou
401
00:17:07,219 --> 00:17:13,434
♪ Oh... Alouette,
gentil alouette ♪
402
00:17:13,475 --> 00:17:16,729
♪ Alouette, je te plumerai
403
00:17:16,729 --> 00:17:20,107
♪ Oh... Alouette,
gentil alouette... ♪
404
00:17:20,149 --> 00:17:23,110
♪ Oh, Alouette,
je te plumerai... ♪
405
00:17:23,152 --> 00:17:24,695
Hey, Schultz.
406
00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:26,155
Halt. Who goes there?
407
00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:27,364
The Kaiser.
408
00:17:27,406 --> 00:17:28,073
The Kaiser...
409
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,159
Hey, trigger-happy,
it's only me.
410
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,452
Yeah, what are
you doing here?
411
00:17:31,493 --> 00:17:32,870
I thought you were
at the show.
412
00:17:32,911 --> 00:17:35,205
I felt terrible about you
missing the festivities,
413
00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:36,790
so I brought you
a piece of cake.
414
00:17:36,832 --> 00:17:38,792
Oh, they cut the
cake already?
415
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,794
No, not yet... I
snitched you a piece.
416
00:17:40,836 --> 00:17:43,046
They had a figure
of Hitler's face,
417
00:17:43,088 --> 00:17:44,715
and right in the corner,
418
00:17:44,757 --> 00:17:47,259
I snitched off a piece
of the mustache.
419
00:17:47,259 --> 00:17:48,260
Nobody will ever notice.
420
00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:52,264
Oh, it looks beautiful!
421
00:17:52,264 --> 00:17:54,057
I'll save it for later.
422
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,058
Why later? Eat it now.
423
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,101
Come on, relax.
424
00:17:56,101 --> 00:17:57,770
I'm on duty.
425
00:17:57,811 --> 00:17:58,771
What can happen?
426
00:17:58,812 --> 00:17:59,813
The boys are
at the show.
427
00:17:59,855 --> 00:18:01,648
Come on, they can't
cause you any trouble.
428
00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:02,649
Sit down.
429
00:18:02,691 --> 00:18:06,779
Well, I'm-I'm a
little bit hungry.
430
00:18:06,779 --> 00:18:07,905
You always are, Schultz.
431
00:18:10,616 --> 00:18:11,909
Mmm...
432
00:18:16,121 --> 00:18:17,456
♪ Alouette, alouette, alouette
433
00:18:17,456 --> 00:18:20,083
♪ Je te plumerai,
te plumerai, te plumerai ♪
434
00:18:20,125 --> 00:18:22,795
♪ Te plumerai, te plumerai,
te plumerai, te plumerai... ♪
435
00:18:26,465 --> 00:18:27,633
Well, Schultz,
436
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,134
I better be getting back.
437
00:18:29,134 --> 00:18:30,677
It was nice having
this chat with you.
438
00:18:30,719 --> 00:18:35,140
Thank you, Colonel Hogan,
this... is wunderbar!
439
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,475
That's the way I am.
440
00:18:36,517 --> 00:18:37,809
I worry about
people, Schultz.
441
00:18:37,809 --> 00:18:39,102
Good night.
442
00:18:39,144 --> 00:18:40,312
Good night.
443
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:43,190
Will you look
444
00:18:43,232 --> 00:18:45,526
in your right-hand
jacket pocket right now, sir.
445
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:47,819
You will find a card there,
which you selected, sir,
446
00:18:47,819 --> 00:18:49,154
and I believe that card was...
447
00:18:49,154 --> 00:18:50,239
the seven of diamonds.
448
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:51,823
Am I correct, sir?
449
00:18:51,823 --> 00:18:53,825
Show the crowd, then, please.
450
00:18:55,452 --> 00:18:57,162
He's rather
good, you know.
451
00:18:57,162 --> 00:18:58,330
Klink...
452
00:18:58,372 --> 00:19:00,666
All these years
in the rear echelon
453
00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:03,001
have not only
softened your body,
454
00:19:03,001 --> 00:19:04,336
they have softened
your brain.
455
00:19:04,336 --> 00:19:07,506
He is terrible.
456
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:08,966
Yes, sir, actually,
he's terrible,
457
00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:10,175
when you begin
to analyze it.
458
00:19:10,175 --> 00:19:12,219
I think I have had
just about enough
459
00:19:12,261 --> 00:19:13,428
of this kinderspiel.
460
00:19:13,470 --> 00:19:15,806
Uh, un moment, sir.
461
00:19:15,847 --> 00:19:17,724
Please, you're
leaving before
462
00:19:17,766 --> 00:19:19,851
my world-famous
hat trick, sir.
463
00:19:19,935 --> 00:19:21,186
I've been saving
this for you.
464
00:19:21,186 --> 00:19:22,521
Now, I'll need
one gent's hat.
465
00:19:22,521 --> 00:19:24,064
May I, sir? Of
course, not, Newkirk!
466
00:19:24,106 --> 00:19:25,357
Oh, give him
your hat, Klink.
467
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:26,358
Huh?
If you'll just
468
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,526
hold it
like this, sir.
469
00:19:27,526 --> 00:19:29,528
Now, please notice,
here I have
470
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:30,696
one chicken's egg.
471
00:19:30,696 --> 00:19:31,989
Eins...
472
00:19:34,658 --> 00:19:35,450
Voilà.
473
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,496
Zwei. Two.
474
00:19:43,292 --> 00:19:44,543
May I, sir?
475
00:19:45,794 --> 00:19:48,463
Covering
with a colorful kerchief...
476
00:19:48,505 --> 00:19:50,007
all a part
of the act, sir.
477
00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:55,095
Open the gates for
Colonel Deutsch.
478
00:19:55,137 --> 00:19:57,306
Don't stand there. Schnell!
479
00:20:04,896 --> 00:20:07,482
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
480
00:20:07,524 --> 00:20:12,946
Make both those eggs disappear.
481
00:20:12,988 --> 00:20:16,241
Hocus-pocus,
fish bones choke us.
482
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,784
I call upon...
483
00:20:17,826 --> 00:20:19,578
the seven-year locust.
484
00:20:19,578 --> 00:20:21,872
And I believe, sir,
you will find
485
00:20:21,913 --> 00:20:24,416
that the eggs are gone
and your hat is clean.
486
00:20:24,416 --> 00:20:25,709
Voilà.
487
00:20:33,967 --> 00:20:36,803
Now, now, that
I like, very much.
488
00:20:36,845 --> 00:20:38,722
Newkirk, how dare you!
489
00:20:50,442 --> 00:20:51,610
All right! Come on!
490
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,070
Let's go! We've got work to do!
491
00:20:53,111 --> 00:20:55,572
Move it!
492
00:20:55,614 --> 00:20:56,782
Schnell!
493
00:21:04,498 --> 00:21:07,334
They got a cake
just for me.
494
00:21:11,046 --> 00:21:12,464
Happy birthday, sir!
495
00:21:12,506 --> 00:21:13,673
Happy birthday, sir!
496
00:21:13,715 --> 00:21:15,133
Happy birthday.
497
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:17,511
Oh, it is a beautiful cake,
gentlemen. Beautiful.
498
00:21:17,552 --> 00:21:19,638
Make a wish, sir,
and then blow them out.
499
00:21:19,638 --> 00:21:20,639
Yes, sir.
500
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:21,890
Very well.
501
00:21:38,156 --> 00:21:40,283
Klink, you are a disgrace
502
00:21:40,325 --> 00:21:42,828
to the physical fitness
of the German army.
503
00:21:42,828 --> 00:21:44,663
I don't understand, sir, I...
504
00:21:53,004 --> 00:21:55,257
You'll blow your
brains out, sir.
505
00:21:55,298 --> 00:21:56,466
They'll stay lit.
506
00:21:56,508 --> 00:21:58,009
They're trick candles.
507
00:21:58,051 --> 00:22:01,012
Trick candles?
508
00:22:01,012 --> 00:22:02,847
Oh, we knew you'd
enjoy it, sir,
509
00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:04,683
with your marvelous
sense of humor.
510
00:22:06,059 --> 00:22:08,645
All right, fellows,
let's hear it!
511
00:22:08,687 --> 00:22:10,981
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
512
00:22:11,022 --> 00:22:12,774
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
513
00:22:12,816 --> 00:22:16,152
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
514
00:22:16,194 --> 00:22:17,904
♪ Which nobody can deny.
515
00:22:18,905 --> 00:22:19,906
Come in.
516
00:22:19,948 --> 00:22:21,449
You wanted to
see me, Colonel?
517
00:22:21,491 --> 00:22:22,492
Ah, Colonel Hogan.
518
00:22:22,534 --> 00:22:25,036
I just want to thank you
again for last night.
519
00:22:25,036 --> 00:22:26,204
Oh, our pleasure.
520
00:22:26,246 --> 00:22:27,247
I truly enjoyed myself,
521
00:22:27,289 --> 00:22:28,540
and I hope that
Colonel Deutsch
522
00:22:28,582 --> 00:22:29,708
got something out of it.
523
00:22:29,708 --> 00:22:30,875
I'm quite sure
he did, sir.
524
00:22:33,044 --> 00:22:34,296
Colonel Klink speaking.
525
00:22:34,337 --> 00:22:36,172
What?
526
00:22:36,214 --> 00:22:37,382
What?!
527
00:22:37,382 --> 00:22:38,717
Oh, that's terrible.
528
00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:41,011
Yes, of course.
529
00:22:41,052 --> 00:22:42,679
We will do everything
in our power.
530
00:22:42,721 --> 00:22:43,680
Yes, sir.
531
00:22:43,722 --> 00:22:44,681
Heil Hitler.
532
00:22:46,391 --> 00:22:49,352
Get me the hospital
right away.
533
00:22:49,394 --> 00:22:50,687
This is Colonel Klink speaking.
534
00:22:50,729 --> 00:22:53,481
I want you to get
every bit of supply
535
00:22:53,523 --> 00:22:56,192
to the war games
area immediately.
536
00:22:56,234 --> 00:22:58,153
No, don't ask any questions.
537
00:22:58,194 --> 00:23:00,071
Just do what I said.
538
00:23:00,071 --> 00:23:01,406
Something wrong, sir?
539
00:23:01,406 --> 00:23:05,035
A terrible tragedy
just happened at the war games.
540
00:23:05,076 --> 00:23:07,245
Some live ammunition
541
00:23:07,245 --> 00:23:08,371
got mixed up with blanks.
542
00:23:08,413 --> 00:23:09,873
Oh, it must
have been horrible.
543
00:23:09,914 --> 00:23:11,708
A shame. Was that
Colonel Deutsch calling?
544
00:23:11,750 --> 00:23:15,754
Our entire command post
was wiped out by a live grenade.
545
00:23:15,754 --> 00:23:17,964
A live grenade?
546
00:23:18,006 --> 00:23:19,424
One of our crack SS units
547
00:23:19,424 --> 00:23:21,468
was completely
put out of commission.
548
00:23:21,509 --> 00:23:25,638
You know, Hogan, if you
hadn't been so nice to me
549
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:26,806
and put on that
show last night,
550
00:23:26,848 --> 00:23:28,433
I would suspect
you might have had
551
00:23:28,475 --> 00:23:29,726
something to do with this.
552
00:23:29,768 --> 00:23:32,604
On your birthday?
553
00:23:41,738 --> 00:23:43,698
I would like to buy
another gift.
554
00:23:43,740 --> 00:23:46,367
This time it is for my
brother-in-law back home.
555
00:23:46,409 --> 00:23:47,744
Always glad
to do business, Schultz,
556
00:23:47,786 --> 00:23:49,037
especially
with a steady customer.
557
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,330
Does he drink beer?
558
00:23:51,748 --> 00:23:52,999
Does he drink beer?
559
00:23:54,250 --> 00:23:55,293
All the time.
560
00:23:56,628 --> 00:23:57,670
Got just
the thing for you.
561
00:23:57,712 --> 00:23:59,714
Newkirk, get out that new
beer stein we just got in.
562
00:23:59,756 --> 00:24:00,757
Yes, sir.
563
00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:02,884
You'll love it,
Schultz, it's beautiful.
564
00:24:02,926 --> 00:24:04,761
Here you are, Schultz.
565
00:24:04,803 --> 00:24:06,304
It's an heirloom.
566
00:24:06,346 --> 00:24:09,974
Oh, this is beautiful.
567
00:24:09,974 --> 00:24:13,978
Ah... Oh, he
would like th...
568
00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:16,147
What's the matter, Schultz?
Something wrong?
569
00:24:16,189 --> 00:24:17,857
Oh, it has
initials on it.
570
00:24:17,899 --> 00:24:22,320
"A.H." A...
571
00:24:22,362 --> 00:24:23,530
Does it mean...
572
00:24:23,571 --> 00:24:27,325
Adolph... H-H-Hitler?
573
00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:28,535
Yeah, it's from
his private collection,
574
00:24:28,576 --> 00:24:30,453
and for today only,
Schultz, you can have it
575
00:24:30,495 --> 00:24:31,871
for the ridiculous
low price...
576
00:24:31,913 --> 00:24:34,207
Hey! You know,
I am going to send
577
00:24:34,249 --> 00:24:36,000
my brother-in-law money.
578
00:24:36,042 --> 00:24:38,837
Let him buy whatever he wants.
40282
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