All language subtitles for abbys.s01e03.720p.web.h264-memento

.

[upbeat music]

- "Abby's" is filmed in front
of a live, outdoor audience.

- Ooh, la, la, Fred.
Lookin' sharp.

- Somebody put
on his church clothes.

- You do look very nice today,
Fred.

- All right, that's enough
with the cat calling.

I'm a person.

- I'm sorry.
What's the occasion?

- Today is one
of the most glorious days

on the bar's calendar.

It's a festive,
joyous occasion.

Today, my good man,

is Free Alcohol Day.
- Yes.

both: Whoo!
- Wait, wait, wait.

Is this gonna be like Free
Pizza Day where you guys order

a ton of pizza and then
just make me pay for it?

- That's actually annual now,
Bill.

- Free Alcohol Day is when
a beverage rep comes by

to do tastings of whatever
new booze they're selling.

- At most bars, it's a perk
for just the staff,

but here I've made
it a family activity

for everyone to enjoy.
- A "family activity?"

- Yes, it's
a wonderful time for family

to be way over there

while I'm here
drinking without them.

- It's like Christmas and
Cinco de Mayo rolled into one.

You get free stuff
and sometimes you wake up

wearing a fun hat.

- You know, I do love
a good freebie.

Once, on a business trip,
I got 10% off my hotel bill

just because I found black mold
in the air conditioner.

- Yeah, this is like that,
but instead of depressing

and terrible,
it's happy and good.

- All right, well, happy
Free Alcohol Day, everyone.

- Oh, Bill, actually
the traditional greeting is

"Merry Free Alcohol Day,"
like this:

Merry Free Alcohol Day
to you, Fred.

- Thank you, and a Merry
Free Alcohol Day to you, Abby.

A Merry Free Alcohol Day...

[voice breaking] to us all.

[upbeat music]

♪

Did you hear that?

Sounds like
a 2015 Honda Elantra,

midnight blue,
leather interior.

[car door shuts]
- She's here!

Free Alcohol Lady's here!

- Okay, like I say every time,

let's just treat her
like a regular person.

all: Hey!
- We missed you so much!

- Hi, let me take that
from you.

[bottles jingling]
Sounds like gin.

- Hey, so technically
I'm not supposed to hug you,

but if you initiate,
I won't say no.

- Okay, guys, guys, be cool.

Hello, how are you?
- Hi.

- As you can see, we're normal
amount of excited to see you.

- Aw, always my favorite stop
on the tour.

[all gasp]
- We're your favorite?

- Okay, all right, we got
you set up over here,

a safe distance
from your insane fans.

Sorry about all the slobber.
It's hard for them

to contain their love for you.
- Aw.

- You guys ever notice
how Abby and Dani have sort

of a flirty thing going on?
I mean, look.

- They're just talking,

like you and I are
talking right now.

You think I'm flirting
with you?

- Eh, there's always something
going on between us, man.

[inaudible chatter]

- I think you might be
right, Beth. Look.

She's touching Dani
on the elbow.

- Ooh, that's big. The elbow's
the gateway to the shoulder.

- Yeah.

- What? What's with your faces?
Is there a photo being taken?

- Wha--You guys taking photos
without me? Dang it.

I told you that really
hurts my feelings.

- No, Bill, we're talking
about how Abby's into Dani.

- Oh, my God, you guys need
to get a life, really.

- C'mon, I know you.

I could feel the sparks
from here.

Let me go talk to her.
I'll find out if she's single.

- No. No, no, no.
Do not do that.

Sit. Bad Beth.

- Wait, wait a second, can we
back up here for a second?

Free Alcohol Lady is a lady,
so do you date women?

- And men.
I'm bisexual, Bill.

- [stammers]
Oh, well, congratulations.

- Congratulations?
I didn't win a raffle.

- First it was
"Happy Free Alcohol Day,"

and now "Congratulations?"

Are you not familiar
with any social conventions?

- "Congratulations" wasn't
a bad thing to say to Abby,

right, because it implies that
I'm happy that she's bisexual.

And I am. I mean, I'm happy.
I'm not bisexual.

But if I was bisexual,
I'd be happy.

- Pull up, Bill.
You're in a tailspin!

- Today we are featuring
our brand new

allspice-infused vodka.

- All the spices? [laughs]
Now I'm interested.

- Well, cheers everyone.

- So what do we think?
- Mm.

- Mm-hmm.
both: Yeah.

- [clears throat]
- We've all had that now.

- Right? Well, when you want
more you know where to find me.

- [laughs]

- [spits]
- [groans]

- Oh, God.

Oh, my God, that is not good.

- This tastes like
the inside of a Santa suit.

- Never thought I'd hear these
words come out of my mouth

but I did not like
my free drink.

- Did she say "Old Spice"
'cause this tastes

a lot like my body wash.

- You know, I kinda like it.

It reminds me of this liqueur
that my ex-wife and I had

on our honeymoon in Greece--
- Bill, no.

None of your sob stories
tonight, okay?

We're in the middle
of a crisis here.

The one day that four
or five times a year

I care about,
and it's in jeopardy.

I'm gonna try it again.
Maybe it gets better.

Huh.

No.

Worse!

- Hey, girl.
Can I get a top off?

- Oh, you got it.

- Mm, love this stuff.

Wintery.
- Mm.

- Makes me want to get
all cozy by a fire

with a serious
romantic partner, which,

by the way,
do you have one of those?

- Oh, uh, I'm flattered,
but I actually--

- Oh, no, not for me.

Although, for real,
you should be so lucky.

- Oh.

- No, I was asking for Abby.

I thought I sensed
a little something

going on between you two.

- Oh, yeah, no. Abby's great,
but you know,

we kinda already had a thing.

- Oh.

Right. Duh. [laughs]

I totally knew that,
but I forgot

because Abby tells me
so many personal things

that it's really hard for me
to keep track of them, so...

- Really? That doesn't sound
like Abby.

Hey.

- [mockingly] Really?

That doesn't sound like Abby.

- Okay, here's what we've
learned so far.

Adding ice makes it cold--bad.

Adding lemon makes it
sour--bad.

We can figure this out,
but it's just gonna take

a little elbow grease.
- Is elbow grease a real thing?

Because I'd rather drink that.

- What's the next experiment?
- Well, we are heating it up

and mixing it with honey.

You've heard of a hot toddy?
This is a "Warm Steve."

- Hm.

You know what might
make this better?

If we threw it
in the garbage can

and never talked
about it again.

- Abby, is there something

you've been meaning to tell
your ol' pal Beth?

Maybe something you feel bad
about keeping from me?

- Oh. Okay.
Fine. Um.

I can see into your upstairs
bathroom from my bedroom.

I've witnessed certain things--
- No.

Uh [chuckles]
I was just over with Dani

putting in a good word for you,
my close friend,

and guess what I find out.
You two already dated.

- Whoa, you two dated?

Did you break her heart?

Is this putrid swill some sort
of a jilted lover's revenge?

- Beth,
I told you not to meddle,

and besides,
it was super casual.

- How casual?
Like a one night stand?

- Like a 45-night stand

spread out over, uh,
three months.

- Three months?
I met my husband, got married,

and pregnant in half that time.

- Okay, Beth, stop bragging.

Some of us still go home
to a body pillow.

- Hey, I don't always
use the body pillow, okay?

Oh, my God, you were
talking about you.

Never mind.

- Abby, why didn't you tell me?
I thought we were close.

- Beth, I promise,
it wasn't a big deal.

I mean, there's a lot
of people I've dated

that you don't know about.
- Wha--there are others?

- Well, yeah.

- Unbelievable.
I share everything with you.

Guess I've just been drinking
Chardonnay from a stranger.

I might as well be
at a Chili's.

- Ooh.
- Whoa.

- Wait a second,
do people not like Chili's?

I find them so charming.

You know I once had a waiter
who jokingly referred

to my blue margarita
[chuckles]

as "toilet water."
[laughs]

I think that guy's name
was Brian.

What a hoot.

- What the hell is wrong
with you, man?

♪

.

- Abby, Beth has a point.
I've known you for years,

and I've never met anyone
that you've dated.

- So what, I've never met
anyone you've dated.

- You don't remember the UPS
lady that I introduced you to

that I almost had that thing
with that one time?

- Yeah, we know nothing
about your personal life,

and yet you know everything
about us.

- Guys, c'mon, it's a tradition
as old as time:

customers drink and talk,
and bartenders pour and listen.

- [scoffs] Customers?
We're just customers?

Do customers
have their bartenders

over for Thanksgiving
every year

and don't even get mad
when all they bring is pie

from a gas station?

- Hey, that pie was
from both of us.

And that Chevron is famous
for its strawberry rhubarb.

- All right, fine,
you wanna know stuff?

It's gonna cost ya.
I'll tell you what.

You take a shot.
You got a question.

- But that stuff is not
suitable for human consumption.

- I know, so how bad
do you want it?

- You're on.

Let me lay down a base
of bar nuts.

[nuts jingle]

[muffled] All right.
Let's do this.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, can I get you a refill?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

You know, this reminds me
of a particular liqueur

that my ex-wife and I had
on our honeymoon in Greece.

It was called "kykeon,"

and it's made out
of wine and cheese.

You see, the ancient Greeks
used to use it

to break their sacred fast.

- Cool.

Well, I'll be here if you
have any questions.

- All right, okay.
Oh! I do have one question.

If somebody congratulated you
on your bisexuality

like on a scale of 1 to 10, how
offended would you be by that?

- Oh, I'm not bi. I'm gay.
- Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, I'm not sorry
that you're gay.

I think it's great
that you're gay, you know?

I mean, two women together
is a beautiful thing.

Not in a creepy way.
I didn't mean that

in like a se--oh, boy.

You know, I just think that
everybody should be able

to choose who they love--not
that it's a choice. Gah.

♪

- You guys sure about this?
It's not too late to back out.

- I'm not scared.
In college, we used to make

gin in a dorm sink
that was so strong

my eyebrows fell out.

I drew 'em on once,
I can draw 'em on again.

How long was
your longest relationship?

- Almost two years.
- And who was--

- Up--that's another question.

- Come on, this is a rip-off.

You gotta give us
more info than that.

- You want another detail,
you can have one

for the low, low price
of one more shot.

Who's next?
- I'll go.

Do you like to play Legos?

I panicked.
I'm sorry.

- I've got a question.
Who cares about Abby?

This extraordinary day is
slipping through our fingers.

I ironed my shirt!

- Grab an oar or get off
the boat, Fred.

Mm. [groans]

Who did you lose your virginity
to and what song was playing?

- Taylor Franzoni and "Jump."
Next question.

- Unacceptable! Too vague.
- Now, now, Beth's right here.

There are multiple songs

in the American musical library
titled "Jump."

- Sorry, guys.
I don't make the rules.

- But you do.

You literally just made them.

- Don't worry. I got this.
Line 'em up.

Was it "Jump"
by the Pointer Sisters?

- No.

- "Jump" by Van Halen?
- No.

- Mm-hmm.

"Jump" by Kris Kross?

- Nope, try again.
- [groans]

- Rosie, no. You'll die.
- Mm-hmm. Mm.

- C'mon Abby, you're not taking
this seriously at all.

- Oh, I disagree.
I feel like I'm taking it

just as seriously
as it deserves.

- Well, if you're not gonna
play fair,

then I'm not doing
this anymore.

- Oh, no, do you really think
she was mad?

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, do you really
think she was mad?

- Okay, I think that's enough.

All right, everybody,
last call.

- What, last call? No.
[bell ringing]

This can't be the end
of Free Alcohol Day.

I will not stand for this.

I should be too drunk
to stand at all.

- Hey, anybody need anything
before I go?

- Oh, hi, thank you. No.

You were just as wonderful
as ever

and we're all looking forward
to seeing you next time.

Maybe you could bring
something different.

- Okay, cool.
Well, good to see you.

all: Bye.
- Bye, Dani. You're so nice.

- I know nobody asked,
but I lost my virginity

to a CD of whale songs.

- Okay, all right.
[snapping fingers]

Let's see what else
you're hiding, Abby.

Yuck.

Huh.

Mm-hmm.
[cat meows]

Oh, and she has
a secret cat?

Oh, it's on.

♪

.

[light thudding]

[papers shuffling]

[both scream]
- Beth! What are you doing?

And why are you holding
dirty socks?

- I'm the one asking
the questions here.

Whose dirty socks are these?

- Well, you're in my house
so it stands to reason

that they're mine.

- Yeah, I'm standing
in your house

scrounging around for clues.

Apparently this is
what I have to do

to know anything personal
about you.

- Or you could respect
my privacy

instead of acting like
a drunk Jessica Fletcher.

- The "Murder, She Wrote" lady?
How dare you?

You could have picked
a hot detective like

Veronica Mars
or McGruff the Crime Dog.

- Okay, Beth,

I'm gonna need you
to drop the socks

and slowly return to the bar,
okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I could, or...
[laughs]

- Okay, Beth...
- What's the problem?

Am I getting to close
to the truth?

- No, you're getting too close
to my coffee table.

- Ahh!

Who puts a coffee table
right in front of the couch?

- I can't do it.

I think I'm just gonna break
down and just buy beer.

- Don't you dare.
This is Free Alcohol Day.

Damn it.
I...

I know we got thrown
a curveball with this

allspice vodka, but we still
have a shot at this

before we have to go home.

- The booze beat us, Fred.
We tried everything.

It's no use.

- Here's something
we didn't try.

Sucking it up.

What about when we first
started drinking alcohol?

It didn't taste good,
so what do we do?

- We drank it anyway.
- We drank it anyway!

Look,

these are tough days
for America.

The country is deeply divided.

The only thing we can agree on

is drinking alcohol.

So we need to do this.

We need to do this for America.

[all yell]

[groans]

[exhales]
- [shudders]

- And again!

[all yell]
Mm!

- [groans]
- Beth, this is ridiculous.

- Is it?

Is it as ridiculous

as this long blonde hair?

Who does this belong to, Abby?

Is it this blonde woman that
you're in this picture with?

- That's Willie Nelson.
I was on a plane with him once.

- Oh.
Well, that's boring.

Left me no choice

but to look up
your internet search history.

- Oh, please, you'll never
guess the password.

- "Vodka."
- Beth, that's insulting, okay?

This is a waste of time.
- "Vodka1"--

- No, no, no! Beth!
- Hey! Ow!

- I wanna know your stuff!
- Give me my--

- No!
- Beth!

- Ow.

[panting] You know what?

I don't care anymore.
You don't want to talk to me?

Fine, go talk to
your cool friends.

Go--go bandana shopping
with Willie Nelson.

- Beth, what is going on?

- You had a full-on
relationship with Dani

and you never even told me.

- So what?
That's my private life.

I don't have to run everything
by you.

I got a bikini wax last Friday.

Did you need to know
about that?

- We could have gone together.

I have a Groupon.

- Beth, why do you care
so much?

- Because I thought
we were close,

and I guess today
I learned we're not.

I don't have a lot
of girlfriends,

especially since the boys
were born, and...

I think of you as one
of my closest friends.

But I'm starting to think that
you just see me as a customer.

- [sighs] Okay.

Come on.
I want to show you something.

Six years ago, when I first
moved into this house,

I found you sitting here
in my backyard

drinking wine
straight out of a box.

- That was during
the World Cup.

My husband had bought
the boys vuvuzelas.

If I didn't have
your backyard to escape to,

I might have walked
into the sea.

- It was pretty weird friending
a strange, drunk lady

in my backyard,
but then you became the thing

I looked forward to
at the end of every day.

Which is why I brought out
the second chair.

Then I just kept adding
chairs until I had a bar.

None of this would be here
if it weren't for you.

Okay? So no, you're not
just a customer.

- But why don't you share
stuff?

- I don't share stuff
with anybody.

I mean, I grew up Cuban

in a white neighborhood,
and on top of that I'm bi.

I learned not to fan the flames
of that intersectional fire.

But this bar? The thing
that I love the most?

It literally wouldn't exist
if you hadn't trespassed

on my property and gotten me
drunk on cheap Canadian wine.

- That means a lot.

- So do you want to know
more about Dani?

- Oh, my God, so bad.

- Well, she's great.

She's smart.
She's funny.

But she has one of those shirts

that says "But First, Coffee"
so...

- Oh. Say no more.
- [chuckles]

- Oh, by the way,
when did you get a cat?

- I don't have a cat.

- Oh, well, then you have
a thing you need to deal with.

♪

.

- Well, you guys look terrible.

- We may look terrible,
but our hearts are full.

We slayed the allspice dragon
and lived to tell the tale.

I've never been prouder
of a hangover.

Even though I sweated
through my clothes

and my front door is painted
like the Swedish flag.

I'm not sure how that happened.

- Last night I spent two hours

negotiating a peace treaty
with the spider in my bathroom.

We cool now, but I'm gonna keep
an eye on him.

- I felt so bad about the whole
"congratulations" thing

that I drunk donated $100
to Ellen DeGeneres.

Wasn't even a charity.
I just found her on Venmo.

- I didn't think I was that
drunk, but I don't remember

any of the personal stuff
you told us.

- Oh, that's too bad.

I really bared my soul
to you guys.

I went deep.

Oh, well.
Never again.

Oh, hey. I have a surprise
for you.

- [gasps] You put
my garbage wine on tap?

Aw. Tell my boys I'll write
them on holidays.

I live here now.

- Oh, uh, Abby, I just wanted
to apologize again.

I don't know why
I said "congratulations"

when you told me
you were bisexual,

but it was not because
I felt uncomfortable.

- Bill, relax.

Yes, saying "congratulations"
was weird,

but at least your gut reaction
was something nice.

Weird but nice,
and that says a lot, so...

- All right, well, if there's
anything I can do

to make it up to you,
just let me know, okay?

- Actually,
there might be something.

Do you want to help me
catch a cat?

- Uh, hell yeah.
What are we talking here,

a tabby, calico, Siamese,
tuxedo, Russian Blue?

- Yeah, you're the man
for the job.