Original subtitles

[Typewriter Clacking]

[Clacking Continues]

Who is it?

Oh, you're not intimidated, huh?

Oh, come on, Ken

You're forgetting that I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team

You, uh, don't have gloves on, your flnger's not on the trigger,

and there are no bullets in the cylinder

You're right I'm a lousy practical joker

What are you doing here with that thing, anyway?

I was on my way down to the cabin I thought maybe I could use it for protection

Also came by to apologize

- For what? - For blowing my cork the other day I got out of line

Forget it You know, that happens

Nah Shouldn't happen Not between you and me

So, believe it or not, sir,

this is a peace pipe

Bottoms up, Jim

In the middle of the morning?

Oh, come on Relax It's Saturday

And in the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night

Oh! A toast

Dear sir,

I give you

our divorce

Well, it's not really a divorce

Oh, sure it is Come on Let's be honest

I mean, it's... There's no alimony, but, uh, it is a termination

Ah, yes And our dear little children

All 15 of them

Fifty million copies

And to the lady who made it all possible, the greatest sleuth in the world,

Mrs Melville,

whom we brought to life and now we're about to bury

Come on, Ken

You're making me feel guilty All I want to do is write on my own

You're right I am being selflsh

Okay, my boy My blessings on your solo flight

Thanks

I appreciate it

After all, friendship is more important than partnership Right?

Here's to our friendship

Right

And now, sir,

I'm gonna kidnap you

What? The aforementioned cabin

which has been flnished for over six months now...

You haven't seen it You're gonna be my flrst male guest

Oh, I can't, Ken Not now Well, why can't you?

It's all the way down in San Diego Oh, it's a couple of hours' drive

I'll have you home before midnight

Yeah, well, I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a show

Aw, that's easy You pick up that phone, you say, "Honey, I'm gonna be working late at the offlce tonight" Come on

Soon as we get down there, we uncork another bottle, and then we go flshing

Well, l... You know what your trouble, old buddy is...

I mean, you're afraid to unwind even for a day Oh, no, I'm not

Well, then, prove it Come on If you want some justiflcation,

you're doing it as a favor for me

At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some style, huh?

You just don't drop your partner, then turn down his invitation all in one week, now do you?

Actually, the timing isn't bad I was just flnishing the flnal chapter

Ah, Mrs Melville's last case

You know, we ought to send that broad some flowers

Listen, I made a list of things I'd like to take from the offlce

You want to take a look at it?

I don't get it It's a list of names Oh, I'm losing my mind

It's the wrong one I must have left the other one at the house

Uh... Oh, I am losing my mind

What's the matter? I left my lighter in the offlce

Do you need it? That's my security blanket

I'll only be a minute

[Whistling]

And to think I had to talk you into this trip

Ah, Jim, smell that air How far is the cabin?

Ah, it's not far About an hour

We have to skirt San Diego

I'll only be a minute I just have to get some supplies

Do you want to hand me that book in that glove compartment?

Hey, it's one of ours [Chuckles] Yeah

The boss lady here's a big fan of ours

I've been promising this for months [Chuckles] The price of fame

You want me to come with you? No, no I'll only be a minute

Miss La Sanka!

Anybody home? In a minute

Mr Franklin!

Oh, my planets must be in the right house!

[Chuckles] Not only that, but they're working overtime

I have a surprise for you Pour moi?

Pour moi Prescription. Murder

"A Mrs Melville thriller

byJames Ferris and Ken Franklin"

Oh, uh, take a look at the flrst page

You signed it? You dear man

Well, Mr Franklin!

I'd rather have the storyteller than the story

Well, I'll tell you what

If you play your cards right and give me my grocery list, someday you may have both

Empty promises Miss La Sanka!

What do you need? just a few things for overnight, thanks

Who is it this week? The blonde or the redhead? Uh, Miss La Sanka,

I'm all alone this weekend

Except for, uh, some contemplation, some flshing and a refreshment of my spirit

Could you break this for me? I need some change for the phone Thanks very much

[Cash Register Dings]

That'll do flne Thank you

Operator, I'd like to place a station-to-station call to Los Angeles

The area code is 213

[Phone Ringing]

Hello joanna, it's Ken

Well, Ken! I thought you weren't talking to us

Oh, that's all patched up

As a matter of fact, I leftJim at the offlce a few hours ago

- We signed the armistice - Oh, well, that's a relief

Look, Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him

I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself

Uh, why don't you join us for dinner? We'll celebrate

I'd really love to, but I'm...

I'm spending the weekend down here in San Diego at the cabin

As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from

All right Then we'll do it another time Absolutely

Uh, Joanna, I thought maybe if you,

for some reason, needed to get in touch with me, you do know the number at the cabin

Right I'll see you in a few days

Fine

Good-bye

Did you ever get a feeling of d�j� vu?

What?

Like you've, uh, done something before, but you know you haven't

Why? What do you mean?

I'm getting it right now It's strange

You know I've never been here before

Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?

Ken, it's fantastic The house that Mrs Melville built

Wait till you see the inside

[Sighs] It's no wonder

"No wonder" what?

What woman could resist this setting?

Not very many I promise you that

How about a drink, Jim? More alcohol? No, thanks

lt'll corrupt me [Chuckles]

You're thinking aboutJoanna, aren't you?

Well, yeah You know,

just taking off like that

She still expects me for dinner We can flx that We'll put plan "A" into effect

Pick up the phone and call her

What am I gonna tell her? The man is too square for words

Now, look You simply say that you're working at the offlce

You're calling from the offlce She knows you have a deadline to meet with the book You're working late

How many times have you had to do that? A couple hundred, I guess

Exactly That's why she'll believe you

Yeah, well, l... I just hate lying to her You know

You're not lying to her You're saving her a little anguish

Now, will you pick up the phone and call her so we can start enjoying ourselves?

Okay

- Oh, Operator, I'd like to make a collect... - Hold it

It's a cinch you have never cheated on Joanna before

If you want your wife to believe you're calling from the offlce,

you don't have the operator place the call... you dial it direct

The area code is 213

Hi, honey

How are ya?

Well, that's what I'm calling about

Um, I'm at the offlce, and

I'm pretty well into this last chapter

I'd like to work straight through Yeah, I know

l... I know

This'll be the last time That I can...

[Shot Fires] jimmy?

jimmy!

Operator, get me the police

[Phone Ringing]

HelloJoanna?

What?

joanna...

Will you take it easy? Now, say it again once more

Are you sure?

Did you call the police?

Yes, yes, of course I'll leave right away

Uh, Joanna, please

Take it easy

And don't worry

I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke

Good-bye

No, I know it's insane

And I-I-I just... I keep thinking of the clich�s and-and...

jim and Ken wrote this scene

in their books a hundred times

Look at it this way, Mrs Ferris Maybe he isn't dead

Now, there's no body, no blood...

No! He was shot! I-I know it!

I-I-I heard... I heard it on the phone

Are you sure it was a gunshot? This place was searched

- Papers on the floor Have you any idea why? - No, I have no idea why

Did you notice anything special missing?

No, no, no Are you sure it was his voice?

[Joanna] Yes, I know it was his voice, and maybe somebody...

[Man] Was he under any kind of extra pressure?

[Joanna] No Maybe somebody was...

- Did he say where he was calling from? - Yes

He said he was calling from the offlce He said... He said

"I'm calling from the offlce "

I really don't care if anything was missing

I just really want to flnd out what happened to my husband

We'll do our best You sure it was his voice?

I know it was his voice Are you sure it was a gunshot?

Yes, that's right [Man] Would you like to sit down and get a glass of water?

Yes, I would like... Really, please

'Cause I really feel stupid,

and I just really want to clear my head Get the water

Okay

[Columbo] I think that's out of order, ma'am

Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings The fountains never work

Then you have to use the coffee machine

And then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy

Who are you? Uh, I'm just another cop

My name's Columbo I'm a lieutenant

Were you in there... I got the proof right here

You didn't see me in there because I left before you got in there

And you know why? Because it's so smoky in there and so noisy in there

that I just had to come outside and get a breath

Oh, I think I'd better get back Now, look Wait a minute

Let me tell you something You look very tired to me,

and I think you had a terrible experience in there

And I think I ought to drive you home Let's call it a night

Well, don't you think they want to ask me questions?

Oh, I don't think they'll mind I think you've answered enough questions,

and I'll call them and I'll tell them you're with me

Okay? Well, what about Ken?

Why isn't Ken here?

I don't know why he isn't here

Is that Mr Franklin, the other half of the writing team?

[Chuckles]

Yeah, the other half of the team

You know, that's what I like about these buttons

You don't have to push 'em They go off with the heat of your hand

I bet you haven't had anything to eat

You're a very nice man, Lieutenant, but I'm not really hungry

I'll tell you, Mrs Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world

But there's one thing I do terriflc, and that's an omelet

Even my wife admits it Uh, I need something for the eggshells

- Over there in that cabinet - Right

I'm really not hungry Listen

You take a taste You don't like it,

you throw it away

I'll tell you what the secret is to a good omelet

- No eggsJust milk - [Stifled Chuckle]

- Uh, skillet - Over there

You're a very persuasive man, Lieutenant

Maybe I should hold up my end and make the coffee

I need cheese and onions and, uh, butter

Cheese... Uh, I need something to grate the cheese

Over there in the cupboard

Right

What did they do with him, Lieutenant?

I don't know, ma'am

Well, there was no body in the offlce Couldn't that mean that he isn't dead?

Well, that's hard to say Uh, it's bothering me too

I tell ya, the whole thing doesn't make sense unless it's a kidnapping

Well, you don't shoot a victim flrst, do you?

Why'd you laugh before? When?

When I asked you if Mr Franklin was the other half of the writing team

Did I laugh? Yep

Maybe it was the way you put it

"Writing team"

Maybe I shouldn't say it,

but Ken hasn't written a word of a Mrs Melville novel in years

Mrs Melville? Who's Mrs Melville?

The character thatJim and Ken created

The one who solves all the crimes brilliantly

Well, uh, why did your husband put up with it?

What I mean is, uh, him doing all the work

Well, there were compensations

Ken did the publicity, went on all the talk shows,

and he did interviews and cultivated the fllm people

He contributed

He just didn't do any of the writing

Boy, I'll tell ya, I'd love to be a writer

That's a terriflc talent

Where did he get all the ideas?

Oh, from almost anything

People Magazines

Conversations

I'm constantly flnding scraps of paper and old matchbook covers

just all over the house with notes and ideas

And those were mysteries, too, weren't they, huh?

Mm-hmm They're tricky I'll tell you that

I could never flgure those things out

Well, it got harder

Maybe that's why he decided to go out on his own

Oh, really? I didn't know that I guess he wanted to do some serious work

No kidding?

How did Mr Franklin take that?

Not very well

But he'll get over it

Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes Why?

Well, you got a writing team, and they're very famous, and now they break up, and what happens?

One fella continues writing books, and the other fella just stops

Yeah That's what I keep telling Jim...

that sooner or later, people are bound to flnd out

What, that your husband did all the writing? Mmm

Yeah

Kind of tough on Mr Franklin's ego

[Doorbell Rings]

Oh, Ken! jo

I know, I know just take it easy

I drove up here as fast as I could

Is there anything new? No, not yet

jo, it's incredible

I just saw him this morning at the offlce

Oh, I'm sorry, Ken Uh,

Lieutenant Columbo, Mr Franklin

How you doin'? No, the question is, how you doing, Lieutenant?

Well, I'm afraid we just got started

Has Jim been found yet?

Has he been found yet? Uh...

Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?

Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego

You must know that this story is on every news station

Oh, right Yeah Gee, I should have thought of that

Well, has he been found? Gee, I'm afraid not

No Were you visiting friends in San Diego?

He has a place there... a cabin Oh, away for the weekend Gee, that's nice

Mmm Could we get back to my question?

Have you come up with any leads, any clues?

Uh, it's a little early for that Early?

Seems to me your men are standing around just marking time

Could I have a drink, love?

I could use one myself Thanks

I'll tell you something, Lieutenant

See, if Mrs Melville were on this case,

oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now

Is that the lady in the books? That's right

You see, she would have flgured out that this is not just someone missing

This is a professional killing

Aha Here it is

Take a look at that Uh, put it on the desk

just drop it 'Cause of the flngerprints, you know

jim's flngerprints are all over that So are mine

What is it? What's it look like? It's a list of names

Look at that Mustel, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake...

Sound familiar? Uh, yeah, kinda

Well, they should That's a list of some of the top men in organized crime on the West Coast...

LA, Vegas, Frisco... I don't understand

Well, it's painfully obvious

One of these men had Jim killed

Really? Why?

Tell me something How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant?

Mrs Melville would have put that together like that [Snaps Fingers]

Look, l... I'm willing to take all the help I can get

All right Let me see if I can explain it to you

See, my partner and I decided to split, go our separate ways

I'm sureJoanna must have mentioned that to you

Yeah, she said something about that

Did she also mention the fact thatJim wanted to do some serious writing?

Hey Uh-huh Uh-huh

Wait a minute Yeah! Dawning on you now? I knew you'd get it

But that's only the tip of the iceberg

You see, Jim was researching a complete and factual expos�

of all West Coast organized crime

I mean, he was going around asking some pretty embarrassing questions

Probing Compiling dossiers

That's why they searched this offlce

Apparently, they got everything but that list

And you think one of these fellas put out a contract on him

Of course Word must have gotten around thatJim was compiling all this information

They knew they couldn't buy him off, so what do they do?

They chose the usual alternative

Professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?

Well, who knows? But remember one thing... Without a corpus delicti,

you can't prove a murder was committed in the flrst place

But why would a professional killer care?

I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came

Lieutenant, I can't answer all your questions I've given you a list of the most likely suspects

A clear motive Isn't that enough to start with?

Oh, that's plenty And believe me, I'm very grateful for all the help you've given me

Gee, that's funny What?

Well, this thing is folded lengthwise, like someone was carrying it in their pocket

So?

Well, if he typed that on that typewriter...

and I'll run a check on that...

why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?

[Chuckling] I'm beginning to like you

Why is that? Because you're flnally beginning to think like Mrs Melville

Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper,

and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know Ah

Now, however interesting your observation is,

it only leads us far astray

However, since you are beginning to learn how to emulate our dear lady,

I'm gonna give you something that you richly deserve...

a chance to read some of our books

Well, that's very nice of you Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?

Thank you Maybe I can pick up a few pointers

Oh, I'm sure you can

Uh, could you handle some more? Oh, all right

Here you go Oh, and an extra Oh, that's very nice

That ought to keep you busy for a while, huh? Yeah, it sure will

Well, anything else, Lieutenant? Uh, no, I don't think so

I think I'd better let you get some sleep Oh, that's very nice of you

I just only hope I was of some help Oh, you certainly were

Well, good night, Lieutenant Good night, sir Good night

Oh, Mr Franklin Uh...

Actually, uh, there is one thing,

not that it makes that much difference

What is it?

When Mrs Ferris called you and told you her husband got shot,

you jumped in a car and drove right back to LA

Is that right? That's right

You know, me, I'd have taken a plane

I mean, it's a big airport, and they run every half hour lt'd been a lot faster

Well, l... That's true, but in a situation like that, who thinks clearly?

And look at it this way You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport,

how much time do you really save?

Hmm

Operator, would you get me the police, please?

Thank you

Lt Columbo, please

Yes, thank you I'll wait

Columbo, this is Franklin

I think you better get over here right away

937 Skyview Drive

It's an emergency

[Woman On Police Radio. Indistinct]

[Woman on Radio] 1- L 10 MPs have been notifled

Do you still request a radio unit?

[Man On Radio] All units in the vicinity,

a prowler, 12F3... [Fades]

When I got home, there he...

there it was, right in the middle of the lawn

Terrible thing to come home to

The funny thing is, l...

I kept hoping or l... I was sure thatJim was still alive

PoorJoanna

Every time I think of feeling sorry for myself,

I think of how much she had to lose

Look at 'em!

Vultures!

Lieutenant, you mind if I go inside? I

can't stand to watch them gape

Listen You mind if I come with you?

Because there's no lining in this coat, and I'm a bit chilly

I don't mind

[Phone Ringing]

Hello

Yes, this is Mr Franklin

What? No comment

Aw, you've gotta be kidding You want an interview now?

A gentleman of the press Afraid you're gonna get a lot of that

I'm sorry, Lieutenant I'm forgetting my manners Would you like a drink?

Yeah Mmm Maybe a drop ofbourbon

Bourbon

Boy, this is quite a place

This a copy?

Hardly It's an original

Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff on museums

You own this?

Mrs Melville has been very kind

Boy Quite a place

Gee whiz And you got that other place in San Diego

Gee, the upkeep alone must be...

I manage to scrape by Your drink

Thank you You know, there's one thing about writers that I don't understand

Maybe you can help me clear it up

If a fella's partner dies,

uh, does he own the other fella's half of the books, half of the, uh, um...

Royalties? Yeah

No They go into the deceased's estate

Mmm That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it?

Unless, of course, you insured each other

Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?

You're right We shouldn't be talking about this now

It's not the time

Uh... Uh...

So, Mr Franklin, tell me, uh,

why do you think that they left your partner's body out there on the lawn like that?

Do you mean to tell me you haven't flgured that out?

Lieutenant, you disappoint me

It was left as a warning A warning?

Of course

It also proves my theory about it being a professional killing

See, the moment they dropped jim's body in the middle of that lawn...

Please, sit down

You know what they were saying?

That this could happen to you

unless you stop in your partner's research

- They're trying to scare you - Exactly

Right

So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna continue writing the book anyway?

No, that's the irony of it You see, that was Jim's pet project, not mine

[Chuckles] I wouldn't even know where to begin

Say, I guess they didn't have any way of knowing you two were gonna split up

Nah Even if they did, it wouldn't have doneJim any good

I must say, Lieutenant, you're up against a dead end

Look at this You got a body,

you got a motive,

but you're never gonna flnd that killer

It's not gonna be easy

I'll lay you 5 to 1 it was someone in Las Vegas or Miami

Picked up a phone and... pfft! ...put out a contract Right Right

How you're gonna make a case, much less solve one, is beyond me

I know I guess the only thing I can do isjust check out every name on that list

Sure You know what's gonna happen? Every one of those guys is gonna deny thatJim even existed

Right

I must say I don't envy you I don't envy myself

Now, look I got a lot of phone calls to make I'd better get on it, huh?

All the luck Thanks Thanks a lot, Mr Franklin

And listen I'm very sorry about what happened tonight

Thank you Right

You, uh...

You will keep me posted, Lieutenant? Oh, yes, I will Yeah

You know, there's only one thing that I'm not clear about

But that can wait You want to go to bed

Lieutenant, I'm not gonna get any sleep anyway What is it?

Would you go over for me once again... I know you did it...

exactly what happened when you came home tonight?

Sure l... I've already told you, but

[Sighs] the moment I saw Jim's body in the middle of the lawn,

I came running in here and I picked up the phone and I called you

I mean, it's a purely reflexive action

Uh-huh Right Uh-huh

Uh-huh That's flne Now, wait a minute You look like you're troubled

Is there some reason for your question?

Uh, it's your mail

My mail? Isn't it funny how people are different?

Now, me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters

But l-l... I just did it to distract myself

I mean, you got to remember one thing, that's a great shock

Yeah Oh, that's understandable

And bills are distracting Listen, if anything comes up,

I'll call you right away

Good night Good night

I'm gonna have a hot dog I guess I will too

No, no, Mr Tucker You put that away

This one's on me

May I have a receipt, please?

All right, Lieutenant You're bribing me with a handsome lunch

What can I do for you? Uh, this is about an insurance policy

Oh, excellent It's about time you came to me

I can give you a package within your... Yeah, this is, uh,

an insurance policy that was already written

Oh, this is offlcial business Uh, yeah Uh, there are two mystery writers...

Ken Franklin and James Ferris

Your company wrote a policy on them? Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant

We like to cooperate with the police, but

if you want confldential information, I'm afraid that you... Oh, well, look, uh,

I don't want to cause you any trouble

Maybe it'll be more helpful if I got a court order?

[Chattering]

[Chattering Continues]

Oh, Ken, it was simply marvelous I was terrifled

Oh, really? I had the whole thing flgured out by the end of the flrst act

Oh, you did? I was completely fooled

You must have a devious mind No, dear, it's because you're young

Always remember one thing, my love

The moment a man mentions a long-lost twin,

you can inevitably know that it's going to be some impersonation

It's an old plot trick

Mr Franklin! Yoo-hoo!

- Over here! - Who's that?

Someone that should be somewhere else

[Man] No, we go this way Excuse me a moment

Miss La Sanka, what a pleasant surprise Hi [Giggling]

What brings you to the big city? Oh, I came in to do a little shopping

You... You like my dress? Oh, it's lovely

See a play [Laughs]

She's a beauty, Mr Franklin

Yes, she is Uh, thank you

I haven't seen her before have I?

No, I don't believe you have

Well, it's... it's lovely to see you I, uh,

hope you won't think I'm being forward, [Chuckles]

but is there any chance of, uh, our having a drink together?

Oh, I'd... I'd love to, really But, uh...

See, the young lady and I are going to have a late supper

I think you might want to cancel it

- Just why would I want to do that? - Because

we really should have a discussion [Chuckles]

Perhaps some other time All right l...

I suppose I'll have to flnd someone else to tell my story to [Chuckles]

It's a mystery story

Very interesting Really

It's all about this witness [Chuckles]

just wait here I'll be right back

Anything you say, Mr Franklin

[Piano]

[Laughing]

Oh, wow!

Oh, I just can't resist strawberries

Oh, I'm glad you like them

[Giggling]

[Giggling Continues] You're...

You're making me nervous

That's quite a stare I'm sorry I-I can't help it

You know, I've never seen you outside that store before

You're very lovely

May I call you Lili? Yes, please do [Giggles]

How did you enjoy the play tonight? Oh, I thought it was predictable You?

Oh, I like your books much more That's very flattering

But you said something before about, uh,

about your story or something about a... a witness

Oh, yes Well, actually,

it's a, uh, true-to-life story

Oh, the best kind [Giggles]

It concerns your partner jim?

Uh-huh What about him?

Well, I read in the papers about his death,

and I felt just terrible Thank you

I felt just terrible, because they said he was killed in his offlce

So they did Well,

in my story, you see,

he couldn't have actually been killed in an offlce,

because he was, uh,

somewhere else

just for a moment, let's forget about your story,

and let's, uh... let's talk about real life

[Chuckles] It is simpler, isn't it? Much

I'll tell you honestly, Ken

I was very confused when I saw the papers, because,

when you were in my store making a phone call the other day, Uh-huh

I wandered over to the side window to see

if you had brought a lady with you [Giggles]

You didn't believe me when I said that I was alone Oh, I believed you It's just that

I'm very interested in you, Ken

[Giggles] Well, anyway,

you can imagine my surprise when I saw your partner

There he was, big as life,

sitting there in the front seat of your car

And that disturbed you, huh? Oh, not at that time

Only later

And then I debated with myself for days

whether to come and see you or not

Why didn't you go to the police? Oh, Ken

I wouldn't want to get you into trouble [Giggling]

Of course not [Snorting Chuckle] All right, Lili How much?

[Laughs] I hope you don't think that that's the on...

Oh, no, no, no I don't think anything

I'll tell you something I'm most grateful you came to me flrst

Know why? Because I think we can reach an equitable agreement

I do so admire your candor

This isn't easy for me... a widow running a

small country store, trying to make ends meet Oh, I can understand that

And I also recognize in you a woman of... of some breeding

I mean, you're not just a common blackmailer

I'm so glad you're understanding

Very well, Lili

How much for your silence?

$15,OOO? l... [Plate Clattering]

Oh! I-I know it's a lot, but that's all I'll ever ask for Honestly

- And I'm a woman of my word! - I know you are, and I respect you for that

And you know what?

In that spirit, I accept your terms Agreed?

[Relieved Chuckle] Agreed

[Chuckles] And I know you won't take offense when I say,

"lt's a pleasure doing business with you"

No, no My pleasure [Chuckles]

[Both Chuckling]

- [Chuckling Continues] - [Doorbell Chiming]

Yes? Is Mr Franklin home?

He's occupied at the moment Who shall I say is calling?

Uh, Lt Columbo Oh Well, won't you come in and wait?

Thank you He'll be with you shortly

[Camera Shutter Clicking] [Man] Only a few more

Thanks muchly, Mr Franklin I think we're about flnished,

if you can bear one or two more photographs Fire away

After all, your magazine was very kind to Franklin and Ferris during our lean years

That's, uh, the second reason I granted the interview Oh? What was the flrst?

- Why, the charm of the interviewer, of course - Thank you

- [Thump] - [Shutter Clicks]

Yes, Lieutenant Is there something I can do for you?

Oh, yeah lf-lf you... If you have a moment

That's about all I do have

As soon as I flnish here, I'll be right with you

Is there anything else, Miss, uh... May I call you Gloria? Please do

Uh, just one last question

I think our readers will want to know how the death of your partner will affect the Mrs Melville books

I'm afraid when I buried Jim I buried Mrs Melville with him

Mmm, I understand

But everyone will miss her so Can't you write another one?

Oh, I could, naturally, but what's the point?

With Jim gone, there [Smacks Lips] wouldn't be much reason

No, I'm afraid, uh, Mrs Melville has solved her last case

Actually, I've been seriously debating as to whether I would ever want to write again

Oh, well, I hope you do Thank you That's very kind of you

Now, if you don't mind, huh? Of course Let's go Harvey

Perhaps, under better circumstances, I, uh...

less harassed circumstances... I could give you a more detailed interview

- Even in more depth - Mmm, that'll be nice

Shall I call you? Yes Please do Next week, huh?

Good-bye

Oh, sorry, Harvey Thanks, very much Thank you

All right, Lieutenant What can I do for you?

Well, I brought back your books

Well, that's flne Just put 'em over there on the table

Yeah Uh, sure I wanted to tell ya how much I enjoyed 'em

I think they're the most terriflc... Boy, I wanna...

And... Oh, listen, I'll come back I'll make two trips on this

But the... the lady detective... What a character, what a brain

And what logic The way she flgures it out Lieutenant

I'd love to sit down and discuss literature with you, but I was on my way out

Oh Oh, I'm sorry

I didn't mean to bother ya Uh, you goin' someplace special?

Yes, as a matter of fact I'm on my way down to my cabin for a rest

- Would you like an itinerary? - Hey, I'm sorry

- I'm makin' a pest of myself - No

Yes, yes, I am I know, it's because I keep askin' these questions

But I'll tell ya I can't help myself

It's a habit I take it you're not goin' alone

- Whatever gave that idea? - I noticed the two bottles of champagne

Oh, those Oh, I'm quite capable of drinking those two bottles

and a good deal more without any help

Now, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant

Yeah Uh, listen Unless you just wanna take a second

to know how we're progressin' on your partner's list

Oh? Anything concrete?

No, not a thing just like you predicted

Everyone said they never even heard ofJames Ferris

[Smacks Lips] That's just as I expected

Well, it was lovely to chat with you, Lieutenant

Oh, Mr Franklin? Do you have a minute? Yeah

Is it important? Well, it could be You see, I was checking the, uh,

the phone company records in San Diego

Now, why would you want to do that, Lieutenant?

Oh, well, I have to do that You know, that's part of my job I got to tie up all those loose ends

Anyway, on the day of the murder

there was a record of a call from the cabin

It was a call to the Ferris house in Los Angeles

I see And now you're wondering whether I can explain that Is that right?

Oh, I'm sure you can Oh, you're right I can

But, you see, you would've saved both you and me a great deal of trouble

if you'd checked with Joanna Ferris flrst

She would've explained to you that I'd spoken with her from my cabin,

telling her thatJim and I had patched up our differences

Oh, what do you mean by "differences"? Uh...

Well, you see, ironing out any difflculties in a separation is never easy

And I knew Joanna would be concerned, and I wanted to put her mind at ease

Oh, I see Can you understand that?

Oh, yes Yeah, that's understandable Oh, yeah Yeah Oh, flne Is that all?

Yes, that's all Right Good

[Snickers] Listen, uh, enjoy your trip

Thanks very much

And drive carefully [Engine Starts]

Don't worry, Lieutenant You can count on it

And here you are! [Laughs]

Bearing gifts

And more gifts Why, Mr Franklin, how lovely [Chuckles]

Ken Yes, of course Ken

Now, Lili, let me ask you a simple question

You up to making a nice, quiet dinner for two tonight?

[Orchestra. Romantic] Here's to prosperity

And romance

[Both Chuckling]

A daily double [Laughing]

Oh, I must say, Lili, that was a magniflcent meal

Where'd you learn to cook so well?

My late husband, may he rest in peace,

was a professional chef

Wonderful man [Chuckles]

He taught me all I know Well, he taught you well

Thank you, sir

Reflll? Oh, sorry

Oop! We're all out [Laughs]

Let's open another one Dare we?

Dare we not?

Mm-hmm!

Here we go Happy New Year! [Cork Pops]

[Both Laughing] Quick, the glass

[Laughing Continues]

Oh! Mmm!

Delicious!

But I'm afraid I'm getting a little tipsy

What's wrong with that?

[Slurred] I don't know if I can trust you

Now, is there any reason not to?

Lili, if I make you uncomfortable, I can always leave

No Please I do enjoy your company

You know what we should do? What?

It's such a beautiful night, we should

row out to the center of the lake and

go for a swim Mmm Sounds nice

Mmm Is nice Shall we?

Better not Why not?

I trust you, Ken Really

But we all have our dark sides, don't we?

just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat

After all, you might start having second thoughts about the money

I wish you hadn't said that, Lili

That kind of talk hurts me deeply

I'm gonna tell you something, and I shouldn't

But I'll tell you why, because I trust you

I was prepared to give you considerably more than you asked for

Fifteen thousand... I mean, I've lost that much gambling in one night

Well, it certainly is a great deal of money to me

What do you think you'll, uh... you'll do with all of it?

I don't know Put it in the bank, I guess

But not right away

Ohh! I just want to look at it for awhile [Chuckles]

[Continues]

Better be careful

Someone might, uh, rob you

I'll just keep it for a day or two

I've never seen so much money in my life

Uh,

maybe... maybe you could take a... a trip somewhere, huh?

I may I've always wanted to go on a cruise

Oh, cruises, they're so romantic

Did I tell you that my late husband was in the merchant marines?

Is that a fact? Mmm

They're the ones who taught him how to cook

I almost wish he were here now

He could share this with me

Or maybe we can do the next best thing

[No Audio]

Who did you say it is? One of the cops said it was a local woman

Some kind of drowning

[Woman On Police Radio] Twelve A-15, clear Twelve A-1 7, are you clear?

Twelve A-1, clear Twelve A-15, stand by

One L-10, MPs have been notifled

[Whistling]

[Stops]

Mornin'!

Well, Lt Columbo I must say, you turn up at the oddest times, don't you?

Listen, I hope you don't mind my comin' in that way, you know

But the door was open, and I just let myself in Oh, no

How'd you get here? By magic carpet? I didn't see your car outside

Oh, no I pulled around back, and I put it in the shade

You know, the sun raises hell with the paint Oh, sensible

Well, what brings you up here to the wilds?

Well, I'll tell ya I heard you and Mrs Ferris talk so much about this place,

and you made it sound so terriflc, and believe me, uh,

you weren't exaggerating, because

this is magniflcent

And, uh, since I got a two-week vacation comin' up,

I said to myself, "Go on down there, check out the area, look to see Mmm

Maybe you can rent a cabin"

Lieutenant, you're not gonna tell me you drove down here just to look for a vacation spot, are you?

Why else would I come? You're wasting your time

I have a feeling that cabins in this neck of the woods are pretty much out of your price range, anyway

Most of them are... are rented for the season

Oh, gee whiz, that's... that's too bad

Gosh, my wife is gonna be disappointed

Well, it was a nice ride, anyhow Yes, a lovely drive

Except for that bottleneck down the road What was that all about?

Oh, there was a drowning Well, what was it, a flsherman?

Well, I heard someone say it was a local woman

Uh, a Miss La Sanka or something like that? Something like that, yeah

Yeah Did you know her? Not really, no

I was just wondering, because, when I was in the kitchen before,

I noticed a grocery box with her name on it

Oh, I occasionally buy supplies there, sure, like anyone else who lives around here

Uh-huh I think she was the one that drowned Yeah

'Cause I, uh, stopped by the grocery store on the way here to pick up some cigars,

and I noticed it was closed and the cops'cars around

Well, if it was her, l... I'd be very sorry

She was always very friendly Yeah, that's a shame

Mm-hmm [Sucks Teeth] Oh, you did know her

Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them

You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants,

even the cop on the beat

Don't you? Yeah [Chuckling] Yeah, I do, matter of fact

I'll tell you, though People are strange

You know, I can't flgure 'em out Why a woman goes out on a lake all by herself

before the light comes up Oh, there's nothing unusual about that

A lot of us go out early

It's peaceful and kind of makes you feel like you're

plugged into nature Mmm

Know what I mean? Yeah Yeah

Well, say, listen Look, you came down here

to get away from things, and I'm just takin' up your time

I didn't mean to bother you No, no, no It's no bother at all

Say, I'd be more than glad to let you have a bathing suit,

but, uh, you don't look like the athletic type to me

Well, it's, uh, my wife that's the athlete

Oh? Yeah

So, you don't think I'm gonna be able to flnd a cabin to rent, huh? Mmm

Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people Uh-huh

Because I think it'd be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks [Chuckles]

[Laughs] Y-Yeah Say, what kind of nightlife do you have around here?

Nightlife? None

No partying? just sleep and crickets

Gee, I was just wonderin', because,

you know, I didn't want to barge in on you today unannounced

I don't follow you No, last night I called to tell ya that I was comin'

But there was no one at home

[Woman On Police Radio, Indistinct]

Uh, you a reporter?

Uh, no, uh...

Uh, Lieutenant, uh, Columbo,

uh, police

LA unit All right

LAPD Yeah

What brings you down here, Lieutenant? Well, I'm workin' on a case

Uh, listen, this is not really my jurisdiction,

but do... do ya mind if I browse around?

Well, help yourself, Lieutenant Always glad to cooperate

[Reporter] Didn't she have a bruise on her head?

[Man] How'd you know that, Ben? Oh, come on, Sergeant Doc Webster told us

All right, so there was a bruise Probably as a result of the boat capsizing and rendering her unconscious

Any indication the lady was under the influence?

I can't ascertain that until we see an autopsy report

The doctor's working on that right now

[Reporter #1] Sounds like drinkin'to me [Reporter #2] Could she swim?

[Sergeant] How would I know a thing like that? I wasn't married to the lady

[Reporter #3] Any living relatives? I don't think so Somebody said she was a widow

[Reporter #3] How about the rowboat? Rowboat? What about it?

Well, who'd it belong to? Where'd it come from? It belonged to the deceased

I've got witnesses that have seen her take it out on the lake

[Voices Continue, Indistinct]

[Reporter #1] Think she wanted some fresh air last night?

[Sergeant] This is all conjecture, gentlemen I mean, there's no way of telling

Maybe she did Who knows?

It's also possible that she had a heart seizure or she got dizzy

[Reporter #3] Then you think it was an accident I certainly don't think it was foul play

You gonna be in your offlce this afternoon? [Sergeant] Absolutely

[Reporter #1] How long was she in the water, Sergeant? Oh, I don't know

Wait'll we get the report We're startin'to cover the same old ground here, gentlemen

Now, why don't you meet me in my offlce an hour from now

Well, we've got some more questions here we'd like to... I'll answer 'em all then

I'll have the reports, and I'll be able to give a lot more information Okay? Okay, Sarge, thank you

[Columbo Reading]

- I still don't know what this means - It means that he knew her

It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said

It means that he knew her reasonably well All right

You've got a romantic inscription in a book and a champagne cork

Now, what does that prove? By itself, it doesn't prove anything

But once you assume that Franklin committed these crimes,

everything flts together I just can't believe it

I've known Ken too long He's not a murderer

Mrs Ferris, it wouldn't make a difference if you knew him for a hundred years

That wouldn't change anything This man, Franklin, took your husband's life!

Do you have a match?

Help yourself I don't smoke

It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant! Ken has an alibi

What's his motive?

I told ya how he could've worked the phone

Now, his motive is the insurance money He needed cash

He spent money like a drunken sailor He had two houses

He's got paintings He's got women

He's got...

What?

"Jack and Jill went up the hill

"Did Jack killJill?

If so, flnd out why"

jim One of his story ideas

Oh

Lieutenant, if Ken killed my husband,

then why did he murder Miss La Sanka?

Well, it's my hunch that she knew something

Maybe she saw them together, and she tried to blackmail him

But that's pure guesswork, isn't it? No, ma'am, it's not Not quite

I checked the bank Yesterday, he took out $15,OOO

Today, he put it back in again

Now, why in the world would he do that?

All right I'm still not convinced, but

let's say I'll go along

What happens now? I don't know

But I've got a pretty strong circumstantial case It's just not enough

If I had one piece of hard evidence, I could nail this fella

But you don't That's right, ma'am I don't That's why I'm here

Maybe you can give it to me Me?

You knew both of these fellas very well I want you to tell me about 'em

AnythingJust talk... whatever comes into your mind

Kind of like analysis without the couch

Would you like a little coffee flrst? That'd be flne

Okay

I don't know what you're looking for, but here goes

They met in a typewriter shop, of all places

jim had broken a key, and Ken needed a ribbon Does that help?

Yeah Keep goin'

Well, I told you lot aboutJim [Faucet Running]

He was brilliant, really He'd wake up in the middle of the night with ideas...always throwing off sparks

I remember he even did it on our honeymoon [Chuckles]

Funny thing is that Ken didn't even talk about the books

unless he was on television

This the truck's gonna move my stuff outta suite 8O3? Yeah

You almost flnished? Haven't started

- What do you mean, you haven't started? - I'm only the driver, mister

Ask the other two guys They've been in there a half an hour already

Half hour?

[Bell Chimes]

[Door Opens, Closes]

Columbo!

Oh Hiya, Mr Franklin

just flnishing up this last Melville mystery I didn't get a chance the other day

All right Now, what are you doin' here?

Why, I'm waiting for you I happened to be in the neighborhood

You're always in the neighborhood!

Can you tell me what right you've got to keep those movers out of this offlce?

Oh, listen, I'm sorry about that It's just...

You know what I thought? I thought you and I should talk alone

You and I have nothing to talk about Yes, we do, Mr Franklin We have somethin' to talk about

I'm here to arrest ya for the murder of your partner

What?

Now, it's my duty to inform you of your Constitutional rights... Oh, will you cut that drivel?

I've written that stuff so many times, I know it by heart

And what is this nonsense, you're gonna arrest me?

Come on, Mr Franklin Why don't you make a statement and save us both a lot of trouble?

You know, I've really got ya

All right, Lieutenant You got me I'm your prisoner Here

Clamp the irons on me

Do you wanna give me a dime flrst, so I can phone my attorney?

Because I promise you, I'm gonna sue you and your department

for false arrest and defamation of character

I kinda knew it right from the start

It was nothing deflnite It was a lot of little things

Little things...

driving back from San Diego on the day of the murder instead of taking a plane,

the open mail, never showing any genuine emotion for a man that you worked with for ten years...

[Laughs] With that, you know what they're gonna do?

They're gonna laugh you right outta court

But they're not gonna laugh at the insurance policy, are they?

I've got a photostatic copy of it here in my pocket

They gonna laugh at the fact that you withdrew $15,OOO, put it back the next day?

I've got the book that you gave to Miss La Sanka with your signature in it

You expect to get a true bill of indictment on that trivia?

Come on, Lieutenant

I was down in San Diego So was your partner

That's a provocative statement Can you prove that?

Yes

Not with the witness, 'cause you killed the witness But I got another way to prove it

Well, you enlighten me I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand

You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth

For a while there, I never thought I was gonna get you

Believe me, you had me goin' in such circles

I couldn't flgure it out Suddenly, I thought of something...

how clever that flrst murder was...

the phone gimmick, working late in the offlce

Brilliant Oh, are you awarding gold medals today?

Yes! For the flrst one, not for the second one That was sloppy

Mrs Melville, she'd have been very disappointed

Oh, come on, get to the climax, Lieutenant

You're talking to a writer Am I? That's not what I heard

And that's the key: that you're not a writer

When Mrs Ferris told me that you didn't contribute to the writing,

that her husband did all the work,

That's a lie I had to say to myself,

"How could a man with no talent for mysteries make up such a clever murder? "

If you were that ingenious, you'd be able to write your own books

Go ahead I'm fascinated, as boring as it may be

Then I got it

The flrst one... the clever one... that wasn't yours

The second one... the sloppy one... that was yours

- But not the flrst - Oh?

And whose idea was that, then?

Your partner's Had to be

And his wife told me how conscientious he was

You know, the way he used to write down his ideas on every odd scrap of paper, backs of matches, whatever...

Ahh, ah So that's why you wouldn't let the movers in

Well, I had to rummage around here before they emptied everything out

Is this your partner's handwriting?

Well, I think I can prove it is Maybe I ought to read this to ya

"ldea for a Melville book... perfect alibi

"'A' wants to kill 'B' Drives 'B' to a remote house

"and has him call his wife in city

Tells her he's working late at the offlce Bang, bang"

Sound familiar? That's the part you used,

practically word-for-word

Should I read some more?

No [Door Opening, Closing] Offlcer

With this, I think I got a conviction, don't you?

You got to admit I had you goin' for awhile though, didn't I?

Yes, you did

[Snickers] You wanna know the irony of all of this?

That is my idea,

the only really good one I ever had

I must've told it toJim over flve years ago

[Chuckles]

Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?