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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,004 --> 00:00:04,269 Okay, Murray, I'm all packed. 2 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,806 Packed yourself, huh? 3 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,174 Very funny. 4 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,976 Hey, Rome sticker! 5 00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:12,422 When did you get to Rome? 6 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,123 I didn't. I went to Chicago. 7 00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:15,947 My bag went to Rome. 8 00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:19,211 I hope you and your bag make it to Hollywood. 9 00:00:19,235 --> 00:00:20,246 It wouldn't look good 10 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,931 for a movie star to be without clothes. 11 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,656 What movie star? Now, I'm only doing a cameo role, 12 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,658 a few lines... They want authenticity, 13 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:27,993 sportswriters to play themselves. 14 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,539 Dan Jenkins, the famous sportswriter... 15 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,674 he's playing himself, too, see? 16 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,708 Oh, yeah. 17 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,265 You forgot to pack handkerchiefs. 18 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,734 No, I packed one. 19 00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:38,837 He's taking one hanky to Hollywood. 20 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,673 I'm only taking one nose. 21 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:45,455 Pack these. Oh... You see the way he packs? 22 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,046 Look at that bag. 23 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,193 Did you try to fold your clothes? 24 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,182 Yeah. 25 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,551 Hey, I forgot my ticket. 26 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,230 Better check your room to see if there's anything else 27 00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,732 you forgot before I have to board it up. 28 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:56,767 When Crazy Rhoda gets here, 29 00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:58,524 tell her I'll be right back, okay? 30 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,236 He's going to Hollywood 31 00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,771 with Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman? 32 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,629 The studio sent him two tickets, 33 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,265 so he's taking her as his private secretary. 34 00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:12,815 You think you'll ever get to Hollywood, Felix? 35 00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:15,074 Hollywood... it's the last place I want to go. 36 00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:17,509 Land of sham, pretense. 37 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,112 Plastic people. 38 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,148 Yes? 39 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,512 I'm Rhoda Zimmerman's sister, 40 00:01:25,536 --> 00:01:28,537 and she ain't going no place no time with nobody. 41 00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:31,132 She's at home, chained to the radiator. 42 00:01:32,743 --> 00:01:34,054 You want to have some fun? 43 00:01:34,078 --> 00:01:35,889 Don't count on the Zimmermans! 44 00:01:35,913 --> 00:01:37,112 Ow. 45 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,298 Oh, that Crazy Rhoda. 46 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,644 She always does something like this 47 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,062 at the last minute, on every trip. 48 00:01:43,086 --> 00:01:45,971 I guess you're just stuck with an extra ticket, Oscar. 49 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:47,250 Yeah, but I don't want to go alone. 50 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,318 I wonder who I should take. 51 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,342 I'd go with you, 52 00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:53,211 but I'm a policeman, and I can't shirk my duties. 53 00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,647 My place is here on the streets of New York, 54 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,149 protecting the... Who asked you? 55 00:01:58,185 --> 00:01:59,763 I'm thinking of a girl. 56 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,698 Trouble is, all the girls I think of, 57 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,866 you got to give at least an hour's notice. 58 00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,235 I know, maybe I'll meet somebody nice on standby. 59 00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,470 Okay, you go get the car. 60 00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,071 Okay, okay. So long, buddy. 61 00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:10,796 Bye, Oscar. 62 00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:14,733 Have a nice trip. 63 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,045 I know you'll be wonderful in... 64 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,402 Oh, please take me with you. 65 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,603 Please, please! 66 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,071 My life is so boring here. 67 00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,172 I'm crazy about Hollywood. 68 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,641 I'm dying to meet Rona Barrett. 69 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,677 Oh, please, please, please take me with you! 70 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,957 Why didn't you say something before? 71 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,815 I have my pride. 72 00:03:05,502 --> 00:03:07,436 ♪ ♪ 73 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,846 ♪ ♪ 74 00:03:39,036 --> 00:03:41,269 ♪ ♪ 75 00:04:12,969 --> 00:04:14,001 Doris Day. 76 00:04:14,037 --> 00:04:15,937 There's a cigarette butt on Doris Day, 77 00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:17,456 and she doesn't even smoke. 78 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:18,957 Look... Red Buttons. 79 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,425 And Maurice Chevalier. 80 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:21,971 Remember Gigi? John Barrymore. 81 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,529 Your favorite, John Barrymore. John Barrymore! 82 00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,832 Look at that, my feet are the same size. 83 00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,501 And hands. 84 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:31,403 Oh, there's his profile. 85 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,855 Listen, take my picture with my face in it. 86 00:04:33,890 --> 00:04:35,735 Come on, people will think you're a New York wino. 87 00:04:35,759 --> 00:04:36,879 Will you get up? Come on! 88 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:40,022 Is my face in there? Yes. 89 00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:41,229 Is my nose in his nose? 90 00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:43,315 Yes. 91 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:44,744 Is my hair in his hair? Yes! 92 00:04:44,768 --> 00:04:46,652 Good... take it. 93 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,887 You've got your hat in front of it. 94 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,158 Okay, now, you get down and I'll take your picture. 95 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,794 I'm not gonna put my face down there. 96 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,929 You're no fun on a trip. 97 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:07,572 Maps of the stars! Maps of the stars! 98 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,057 Hey, we'll take two. 99 00:05:09,092 --> 00:05:10,737 Who buys these mostly? 100 00:05:10,761 --> 00:05:12,393 Burglars. 101 00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:16,497 This is Toluca Lake, 102 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,999 so he's got to be around here. 103 00:05:18,035 --> 00:05:19,812 Yeah, look, it's got Helen Twelvetrees, 104 00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:21,313 Wallace Beery... how old is this map? 105 00:05:21,337 --> 00:05:23,516 No, no, you look for a street called... 106 00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:24,673 Oh, why, yes... 107 00:05:24,708 --> 00:05:25,708 You never would find it. 108 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:26,853 Look, there he is. Where? 109 00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:27,842 There he is. Where? 110 00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:29,088 There's Bob Hope. Where? 111 00:05:29,112 --> 00:05:30,389 Right there. 112 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,824 Felix, what are you doing? Excuse me. 113 00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:34,666 Mr. Hope, Mr. Hope, hi! 114 00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,246 We just got here from New York. 115 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,402 Relatives? 116 00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:38,936 No, we're tourists. 117 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,716 Hope... hope we're not regular tourists. 118 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,785 My name is Felix Unger, this is Oscar Madison. 119 00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:44,220 I couldn't find you on the map. 120 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,443 Good, good. 121 00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,745 You take out your own garbage, Mr. Hope? 122 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,381 Well, I usually have it gift wrapped. 123 00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:51,115 Isn't that marvelous? 124 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,828 You-you have a funny joke ready 125 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,230 for every situation, haven't you? 126 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,788 I have a large garbage file, yeah. 127 00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:59,123 Can I have a piece of your garbage as a souvenir? 128 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,603 Wouldn't you like the main course first? 129 00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,760 No, just an... oh, an orange peel. 130 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,839 That would just be perfect. 131 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,007 Thank you so very much. 132 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,798 Crosby just squeezed those. 133 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:07,799 Ah. 134 00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:08,844 Would you mind autographing it? 135 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,046 People will never believe... 136 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,481 they'll never believe in a million years 137 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,915 that I got this from you here. 138 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,071 Isn't that wonderful? 139 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,251 They're just like ordinary people. 140 00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,241 Just marvelous. 141 00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,409 Oh, thank you so very, very much. 142 00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:19,655 Sorry, would you... would... 143 00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,024 would you mind taking a picture with us? 144 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,358 Not at all. I don't have my camera. 145 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,149 Do you have a camera? 146 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,552 Next time. 147 00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:31,356 Felix, will you... I gotta get a dog. 148 00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:33,970 Garbage! Oh, boy, oh! 149 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,138 But the garbage of a star. 150 00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:38,096 Wow! 151 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,399 Okay, imagine: Bob Hope. 152 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,400 Who's next? 153 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,234 Me! I want to go back to the hotel, 154 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,281 where I can look at the pretty girls around the pool. 155 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,865 All right, I'll go shopping. 156 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,349 Oscar? 157 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:04,155 Have you seen so many beautiful girls? 158 00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:06,502 You will never in a million years guess 159 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,571 whom I just saw in the lobby of this hotel 160 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,139 standing not two feet from me. Who? 161 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,812 Cuffy Crabbe. 162 00:07:12,916 --> 00:07:13,965 Who? 163 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,667 Buster Crabbe's son, Cuffy. 164 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:16,879 He was standing right there. 165 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,302 I could've touched him. 166 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,483 He was buying shampoo just like a regular person's son. 167 00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:22,318 I got his autograph anyway. 168 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,720 Oh, Oscar, I'll never be able to thank you enough 169 00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:25,755 for bringing me here. Oh... 170 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,657 It's the most... guess! 171 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,058 Guess what's going to happen 172 00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,494 right outside our balcony in 30 minutes. 173 00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,017 Cuffy's gonna wash his hair. 174 00:07:34,104 --> 00:07:36,455 Doris Day walks her dog. 175 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,291 Felix, you gotta stop being so crazy and starstruck. 176 00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,293 Buying maps to movie stars' homes. 177 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,439 I'm here on business, remember? Ah, ah. 178 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,224 Gotta talk to you about that. What? 179 00:07:45,248 --> 00:07:47,082 I also found out 180 00:07:47,117 --> 00:07:49,677 that when Dan Jenkins was here for his cameo, 181 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,748 the studio got him a bungalow 182 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,482 with a sauna and a bar. 183 00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:54,517 That's great for Dan, right? 184 00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,118 Well, of course it's great. 185 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,720 You just got an ordinary room. 186 00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,355 Well, nice, yeah. Well, look, 187 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,957 I'm sure it's only an oversight. 188 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,525 Look, I'm not a troublemaker, 189 00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:04,494 but if the studio knew about... No, no, no, no, no. 190 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,395 Don't you call the studio... I'm very happy with what I got. 191 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,964 Please, Felix, will you look at this? One little call. 192 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,199 I got a good view of the diving board. These people know how to deal 193 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,367 with these things, believe me. You don't understand. 194 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,969 J.B. Hoffstetter, the head of the studio, 195 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,559 just called me, see? 196 00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:15,627 Everything is terrific. 197 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:16,895 I told him I'm very happy 198 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,608 with what I got. J.B. Hoffstetter called you? 199 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:19,831 Yes, he wanted to make sure 200 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,950 that I had the script, and I told him I did have it. 201 00:08:21,985 --> 00:08:23,396 Then it's official. Yeah. 202 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,553 You're in flicks. That's right, buddy. 203 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:26,799 You're on your way. 204 00:08:26,823 --> 00:08:28,885 Let me see... when do we go to the studio? 205 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,375 No, we don't go to the studio. 206 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,522 Why, why? We're going on location. 207 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:35,213 Oh, that's much better. 208 00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,631 That's authentic, then. 209 00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:38,411 I like that, let me see the script. Home Run Kid. 210 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,645 Home Run Kid. I like the title... isn't that good? 211 00:08:39,669 --> 00:08:40,946 Yes, yes. It's kind of nice. 212 00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:42,582 Wait-wait till you see the part, it's terrific. 213 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,683 Oh, your part. Here it is, here. 214 00:08:44,707 --> 00:08:46,819 See, I go in, and then I say, Yeah, yeah. 215 00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:48,954 "Tell us about your career, slugger." Yeah. 216 00:08:48,978 --> 00:08:50,578 And then... oh, there it is. 217 00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:52,880 "Thanks for the interview." 218 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:56,913 That's it? 219 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:57,903 That's it. 220 00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,470 They can't treat you this way. 221 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:00,906 You're a New York actor. 222 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,658 Felix, I'm a New York sports columnist. 223 00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:05,171 I don't care how many lines they give me. 224 00:09:05,195 --> 00:09:06,327 This whole thing is a lark. 225 00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:09,063 Oscar, baby... 226 00:09:09,098 --> 00:09:12,033 don't let these showbiz heavies push you around. 227 00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:13,568 If you're scared, 228 00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:15,047 you're gonna be washed up in the business. 229 00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:16,215 I'm not scared. You're not? 230 00:09:16,239 --> 00:09:17,517 No. Okay, show me your part. 231 00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:19,018 Do it for me. Oh, come on, I don't want to. 232 00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:20,052 Do it for me, let me... 233 00:09:20,076 --> 00:09:21,154 I want to rehearse you. Okay. 234 00:09:21,178 --> 00:09:22,488 Let's see what you've got now. 235 00:09:22,512 --> 00:09:25,024 How are you gonna do it? Okay, oh, wait, um... 236 00:09:25,048 --> 00:09:26,514 Tell us about your career, slugger. 237 00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:28,249 No, no, wait, wait, I'll do it better. 238 00:09:28,285 --> 00:09:32,086 Uh... Tell us about your career, slugger. 239 00:09:32,121 --> 00:09:34,573 Tell us about your career, slugger! 240 00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:38,777 Hey, slugger, tell us about your career, see? 241 00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:41,529 Hey, slugger, you better tell us about your career. 242 00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:42,763 You understand, slugger? 243 00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:45,566 They're going to waste talent like that? 244 00:09:58,214 --> 00:09:59,580 Got any more changes? 245 00:09:59,615 --> 00:10:01,894 Yeah, the locker room scene was kind of choppy, 246 00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:04,686 so I padded the part of the New York sportswriter. 247 00:10:04,721 --> 00:10:06,265 I gave him another two pages. 248 00:10:06,289 --> 00:10:08,823 That's gonna mean an extra day's shooting. 249 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,202 We'll have to give Madison more money. 250 00:10:10,226 --> 00:10:11,837 Yeah, what do you think we should give him? 251 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,360 Well... 252 00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:15,897 Yeah? 253 00:10:15,932 --> 00:10:17,932 Who? 254 00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:19,184 Felix Unger? 255 00:10:21,104 --> 00:10:22,503 I don't know any Felix Unger. 256 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,038 What does he do? 257 00:10:24,074 --> 00:10:26,625 Oh, Oscar Madison's agent. 258 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,410 Good. 259 00:10:28,445 --> 00:10:30,322 We'll settle this matter right now. 260 00:10:30,346 --> 00:10:31,963 Send him in, Pam. 261 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:34,299 Madison's got an agent? 262 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,845 It's not funny. 263 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,637 I know! He's gonna want $1,000 more. 264 00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,488 I'll try to get him for $500. 265 00:10:45,762 --> 00:10:48,096 Hi. 266 00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:50,715 J.B. 267 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:59,573 J.B... my client is not happy. 268 00:11:01,144 --> 00:11:04,044 Now, person to person, man to man, 269 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,547 agent to mogul, can't... 270 00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:15,889 O.M.? 271 00:11:17,994 --> 00:11:19,511 Oscar! 272 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:20,512 Yeah? 273 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,657 Hey, that you, buddy? Ah. 274 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:26,662 How you doing? 275 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,185 Fine, what were you doing? 276 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,186 Sunbathing. 277 00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,316 Oh. That's my sunsuit. 278 00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:31,872 Yeah, yeah. 279 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,375 Well, how's my favorite client? 280 00:11:37,314 --> 00:11:38,480 Favorite what? 281 00:11:38,515 --> 00:11:40,314 Felix, don't tell me 282 00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:41,727 that after what I said to you, 283 00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:43,329 you had the nerve, the audacity, to go 284 00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:45,364 down to that studio and embarrass me. 285 00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:47,032 Don't tell me that you went down and... 286 00:11:47,056 --> 00:11:48,690 What did you do? 287 00:11:48,725 --> 00:11:51,543 You got me two extra pages of dialogue? 288 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,344 Not only that, 289 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,113 I conned them into giving you more money. 290 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,482 I got another $50 out of them. 291 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,433 It's a nice stadium for a little place, huh? 292 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,002 It's a stadium. 293 00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:19,503 Wow, I'm still stiff, you know that? 294 00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:21,005 Of course you're stiff. 295 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:25,109 80 miles down here in a hot bus. 296 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,311 Pahrump, Nevada. 297 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:32,049 Lizard capital of the world. 298 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,996 Downtown is a fruit stand. 299 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,787 Felix, this is the location they wanted. 300 00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:37,432 They're gonna shoot here, let's not gripe. 301 00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,290 When Dan Jenkins went on his location, 302 00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:41,458 the studio sent him in an air-conditioned limousine. 303 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,305 They did? You're darn right they did. 304 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:44,295 Are you sure? 305 00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,562 Of course, I'm sure. 306 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,014 It's just plain unfair. 307 00:12:47,049 --> 00:12:48,778 Oh, cut it out. Look, all right, Felix, 308 00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,897 you got me some extra money, you got me a few extra lines. 309 00:12:50,921 --> 00:12:52,081 Let's not press our luck. 310 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,882 I just don't... I'm happy with what... 311 00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:55,806 Okay, everyone, we shoot this sequence tomorrow. 312 00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:57,042 Let's get the rehearsal going. 313 00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,709 Have you got the sportswriter scene? 314 00:12:58,744 --> 00:12:59,978 Here you are, Mr. Lennox. 315 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,912 Oh, yeah, Madison. Madison?! 316 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:02,913 Yeah, here. 317 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,716 Ah! Right here. 318 00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,018 Are you Madison? 319 00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,130 No. I'm Felix Unger. 320 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,720 I'm Oscar Madison's agent. 321 00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:12,101 I'm Oscar Madison. How are you? 322 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,624 You look like a sportswriter. 323 00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:14,625 Thank you. 324 00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:17,061 Griff? I want you to meet our star. 325 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,097 Yes? 326 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,331 Griff Lockwood, this is Oscar Madison. 327 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,267 He's the one who does the interview. 328 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,402 Very nice to meet you. 329 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,370 Nice to meet you, Oscar. 330 00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:27,972 I'm a big fan of yours. 331 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:30,908 And I'm a big fan of yours! 332 00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,676 Griff Lockwood! 333 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:33,961 Oh, boy! 334 00:13:33,996 --> 00:13:37,865 I saw you in Hotel Romp. 335 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,218 That's the one he made with Rhonda Bisque. 336 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,180 Tell me, when you were shooting that, 337 00:13:42,204 --> 00:13:45,640 was there something between you and Rhonda, huh? 338 00:13:45,675 --> 00:13:47,319 Are you in the picture? 339 00:13:47,343 --> 00:13:48,787 No. Good. 340 00:13:48,811 --> 00:13:49,955 Call when you're ready. 341 00:13:49,979 --> 00:13:51,312 Griff, Griff. 342 00:13:51,347 --> 00:13:52,458 You're a married man... 343 00:13:52,482 --> 00:13:53,547 Felix, It's bad enough 344 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,483 you read every gossip column in the world, 345 00:13:55,518 --> 00:13:56,984 do you have to believe 'em? 346 00:13:57,019 --> 00:13:58,280 Where there's smoke, there's fire. 347 00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:00,555 So suppose he had a little thing going with Rhonda? 348 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,056 Will you forget it? 349 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,993 Sure, we can forget it, but can his wife, lovely Helen Lockwood 350 00:14:05,028 --> 00:14:07,006 driven to drink by the uncaring extramarital antics 351 00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:08,340 of Hollywood's most famous star? 352 00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:09,597 Will you cut it out?! 353 00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:10,810 That was Rona's biggest scoop! 354 00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:12,417 Okay, let's go over the lines. 355 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,101 Get Griff's stand-in. 356 00:14:14,136 --> 00:14:15,102 Get Griff's stand-in. 357 00:14:15,137 --> 00:14:16,270 Now, Oscar... 358 00:14:16,306 --> 00:14:17,856 Excuse me just a moment, Oscar. 359 00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,090 Talk to you a minute? 360 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,693 Look, if you're going to use Griff's stand-in, 361 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,540 don't you think you ought to use Oscar's? 362 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,797 He doesn't have a stand-in. 363 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:27,833 Ally. 364 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:30,101 Doesn't have a stand-in? 365 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,238 What time does Mr. Madison have to be at work tomorrow? 366 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,373 Six o'clock. 367 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,108 In the morning? 368 00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,710 Yes. 369 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:43,681 I don't like that. 370 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,016 No, no, I don't like that. 371 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,786 Look, I'm perfectly willing to work these things out reasonably 372 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,799 with you people, but don't push Oscar Madison. 373 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:51,834 The man's a lunatic. 374 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,657 One word and he goes like that. 375 00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,792 He's a walking volcano. 376 00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:56,360 The man slapped Fellini. 377 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,695 What can I tell you? 378 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,198 He slapped Fellini. 379 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,634 Well, Mr. Unger, I think I understand. 380 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,603 I knew I could talk to you. 381 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,382 Just let me make one telephone call. 382 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,817 Take care of the whole thing. 383 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:09,807 Good. 384 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,053 While you're at it, 385 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,555 it might be a good idea to get him a trailer. 386 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,689 I think he'd like that. 387 00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:15,663 A trailer. Yeah. 388 00:15:15,698 --> 00:15:16,826 Something nice and classy. 389 00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:18,082 Something nice and classy. 390 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,562 Also a golf cart to take him to take him to and fro. 391 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,064 I think that would be the right thing. 392 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,733 A golf cart. Yeah. 393 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,400 Susan, get me that sportswriter from Chicago. 394 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,491 I'm firing Madison. 395 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,629 You tell him. 396 00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,232 Felix, look, 397 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,012 this is what they want me to wear. 398 00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:38,814 How's it look? Tell me what you think. 399 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,938 What's the matter? 400 00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:45,176 Felix, tell me what's the matter... what is it? 401 00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,177 You're fired. 402 00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:49,413 Fired? Why am I fired? 403 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,548 Oscar, you don't know this town. 404 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:52,549 Pahrump? 405 00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,134 Hollywood! The whole business. 406 00:15:54,169 --> 00:15:55,869 I asked for a stand-in for you. 407 00:15:55,905 --> 00:15:57,304 I asked for a dressing room. 408 00:15:57,340 --> 00:16:00,074 I suggested you don't have to get up so early in the morning. 409 00:16:00,109 --> 00:16:01,320 I didn't care about those things! 410 00:16:01,344 --> 00:16:03,127 Now you tell me! 411 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,447 I hope you get bitten by a lizard! 412 00:16:15,424 --> 00:16:19,360 Oh, the joke's really on that studio, isn't it? 413 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,096 They bring us all the way out here to California, 414 00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:24,165 all expenses paid, 415 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,634 and then they don't use us in the picture. 416 00:16:31,641 --> 00:16:34,275 There'll be other opportunities. 417 00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:36,310 Why should we have regrets? 418 00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:39,013 Look at the swell new clothes I got. 419 00:16:39,048 --> 00:16:41,515 I saw Doris Day's dog. 420 00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,719 What would you be doing in New York now? 421 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,489 Unchaining Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman. 422 00:16:50,627 --> 00:16:55,880 Look, I-I sense that you're a little down about this. 423 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,098 I can understand that. 424 00:16:58,134 --> 00:17:00,496 You're the kind of fellow who's easily depressed, 425 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,364 but don't let things bother you. 426 00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:05,389 Bounce back. Shrug them off. I do. 427 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,052 Come on. Let's see a smile. 428 00:17:07,076 --> 00:17:10,528 A grin? A smirk? 429 00:17:12,348 --> 00:17:17,151 Okay... 430 00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,854 Desperate times call for desperate measures. 431 00:17:19,889 --> 00:17:25,660 It's time I go down to that studio and force their hand. 432 00:17:25,695 --> 00:17:29,463 When I get through with them, you're not only going 433 00:17:29,498 --> 00:17:30,898 to have your part back, 434 00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:33,178 but you're going to have another raise. 435 00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:35,469 Fair enough? 436 00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:37,638 Shake. 437 00:17:39,676 --> 00:17:41,274 You got a deal. 438 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,095 What am I gonna do? 439 00:18:02,131 --> 00:18:05,298 The sportswriter from Chicago was so glad he got the part, 440 00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:08,936 he dropped dead. 441 00:18:08,971 --> 00:18:11,872 I gotta have Madison back. 442 00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:13,741 I got no choice. 443 00:18:15,377 --> 00:18:18,012 Pam, send in Unger. 444 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:29,418 Now, listen to me, J.B., and listen good... 445 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,343 Okay, Madison's back in the picture. 446 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,789 Do you mind if I give you some constructive criticism, J.B.? 447 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,059 You need more backbone. 448 00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:52,279 You're a... you're pretty much of a marshmallow, fella. 449 00:18:55,184 --> 00:18:57,262 You let me roll all over you there. 450 00:18:57,286 --> 00:19:00,137 I can tell you now I was ready to squirm. 451 00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:02,673 Five more minutes and you'd have had me on my knees. 452 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:06,009 You gotta toughen up, guy, or people'll walk all over you. 453 00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,361 Will you get outta here?! 454 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,983 That's good. That's good. 455 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,384 Keep it up. 456 00:19:16,622 --> 00:19:17,921 Okay, here we go, fella. 457 00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:19,168 Show 'em how it's done. 458 00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,302 Places everybody. 459 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,292 Break a leg. 460 00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:22,526 I will. 461 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,728 Griff, good luck in the scene. 462 00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,530 Homewrecker. 463 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,000 Do you mind if I have my chair? 464 00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:32,147 Now, listen, Griff, if I do anything wrong, please let me know, okay? 465 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,715 Because this is all new to me. 466 00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:34,867 Oscar, you're gonna be sensational. 467 00:19:34,891 --> 00:19:36,357 We're ready for the mayor. 468 00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:37,558 Your Honor? 469 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,559 The Mayor? 470 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,527 Yeah, the Mayor of Pahrump. 471 00:19:40,563 --> 00:19:43,042 He wouldn't give us a shooting permit, 472 00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:46,167 so I let him join the crew. 473 00:19:46,202 --> 00:19:47,868 Your Honor? 474 00:19:47,903 --> 00:19:49,183 Roll camera. 475 00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:57,111 Mark it. 476 00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:04,735 And... action. 477 00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,698 Tell us about your career, Slugger. 478 00:20:06,722 --> 00:20:08,389 Now, Oscar, don't rush your lines. 479 00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:10,491 Take your time. Start from the beginning. 480 00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:12,203 We're still rolling. Don't be nervous. 481 00:20:12,227 --> 00:20:13,761 Don't be nervous. Take it easy. 482 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,874 Tell us about your career, Felix. 483 00:20:15,898 --> 00:20:16,942 See? It's your fault. 484 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,782 From the beginning. Just start over. 485 00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:20,067 Start over. 486 00:20:20,102 --> 00:20:21,446 Tell us about your career, Slugger. 487 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,471 Well, it all started when I... Ow! 488 00:20:24,506 --> 00:20:27,152 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to step on his toe. 489 00:20:27,176 --> 00:20:28,770 I stepped on it. I'm sorry. 490 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:29,760 He tripped you! 491 00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:30,761 I'm all right, Oscar. 492 00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:31,873 It's an old trick. 493 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,457 Arthur Treacher did that to Shirley Temple. 494 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,929 Still rolling. Gentlemen, if we can, from the top. 495 00:20:36,953 --> 00:20:37,918 We're still rolling. 496 00:20:37,953 --> 00:20:39,764 Tell us about your career, Slugger. 497 00:20:39,788 --> 00:20:41,989 Well, it all started when I tried out 498 00:20:42,025 --> 00:20:43,218 for the minor league team 499 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,609 the Fort Worth Blues. 500 00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,077 How old were you then? 501 00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:48,613 I was 17. 502 00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,214 Uh-huh. And how old are you now? 503 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,360 Twenty-two. 504 00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:53,750 Shh! 505 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,903 Well, I was very green then, but I finally made the team. 506 00:20:56,939 --> 00:20:57,904 Uh-huh. 507 00:20:57,940 --> 00:20:58,983 I made the team, yeah. 508 00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,607 It must have been quite a struggle. 509 00:21:00,643 --> 00:21:02,788 Oh, it was. It was a real struggle. 510 00:21:02,812 --> 00:21:05,056 Hand me my shirt, will you please, Oscar? Ooh! 511 00:21:14,423 --> 00:21:16,340 Cut! Print it! 512 00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:18,142 Wardrobe! 513 00:21:20,379 --> 00:21:22,046 Congratulations. 514 00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:24,681 Are you crazy? I blew it. I was terrible. 515 00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:26,183 That was great. You were marvelous. 516 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,718 You saved that scene. The scene needed a laugh. 517 00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:30,220 You added three big screamos! 518 00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:32,489 Are you out of your mind? You go rest, baby. 519 00:21:32,524 --> 00:21:35,159 You loosen up and rest. I have to talk to the biggies. 520 00:21:35,194 --> 00:21:37,172 What're we gonna do? J.B., This is impossible. 521 00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:39,496 Oh no, no, no. He'll get the hang of it. 522 00:21:39,531 --> 00:21:40,608 Can't you get somebody else? 523 00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,333 No, don't do that. Please, J.B.. 524 00:21:42,368 --> 00:21:44,579 I don't want to postpone the scene. We're all set up here. 525 00:21:44,603 --> 00:21:46,448 You replace him, it has to be here and now. 526 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:47,871 No, don't, please, I beg of you. 527 00:21:47,906 --> 00:21:49,406 He'll get good. 528 00:21:49,442 --> 00:21:52,587 We've got an hour to get another actor up here from L.A. 529 00:21:52,611 --> 00:21:56,391 Gee, I wish we had somebody here who could step in, who knew the lines. 530 00:21:56,415 --> 00:21:58,182 I do. 531 00:21:58,217 --> 00:21:59,183 What? 532 00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:00,568 I know all the lines. 533 00:22:00,603 --> 00:22:01,535 You can try it. 534 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,536 Thanks. 535 00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,537 Try it. 536 00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,539 Oscar? Oscar. 537 00:22:05,575 --> 00:22:07,240 Yeah? Yeah? 538 00:22:07,276 --> 00:22:10,978 Baby... you're out of the flick. 539 00:22:11,013 --> 00:22:12,746 What happened? 540 00:22:12,781 --> 00:22:14,248 They're going for a younger man. 541 00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:19,853 I fought like a banshee for you, but they wouldn't listen to me. 542 00:22:19,888 --> 00:22:21,521 Who'd they get to replace me? 543 00:22:21,556 --> 00:22:24,208 Give me your hat and your pad and wish me luck. 544 00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,716 Action. 545 00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,953 Tell me about your career, Slugger. 546 00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:40,357 Well, it all started when I tried out for this team. 547 00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:42,705 The minor league team... The Fort Worth Blues. 548 00:22:42,729 --> 00:22:44,022 Fort Worth. Yes. 549 00:22:44,046 --> 00:22:45,946 That's in Texas. 550 00:22:45,982 --> 00:22:50,300 Hot wind, blazing sun. 551 00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:53,504 How old were you then? 552 00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:55,005 I was 17. 553 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,874 A boy in a man's game. 554 00:22:56,909 --> 00:22:58,909 How old are you now? 555 00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:00,611 Why, 22. 556 00:23:03,181 --> 00:23:05,260 It was a tough struggle. 557 00:23:05,284 --> 00:23:07,000 I was green, but I finally made it. 558 00:23:07,036 --> 00:23:08,101 It was a struggle, yes. 559 00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:10,015 You grew up in a grimy little cabin 560 00:23:10,039 --> 00:23:12,723 in the middle of the Texas panhandle. 561 00:23:14,159 --> 00:23:15,693 No heat, no food! 562 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,478 For breakfast you had to suck on a piece of cactus! 563 00:23:18,514 --> 00:23:20,425 Hey...! 564 00:23:20,449 --> 00:23:22,248 You never had a toy to play with. 565 00:23:22,284 --> 00:23:24,785 You never had a pair of brown-and-white shoes. 566 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,336 You never even took violin lessons. 567 00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:30,357 But you knew that you wanted to play baseball. 568 00:23:30,393 --> 00:23:32,153 You couldn't afford any equipment! 569 00:23:32,177 --> 00:23:35,646 So you made a catcher's mitt out of a satin pillow reading: 570 00:23:35,681 --> 00:23:38,281 "Greetings from Yellowstone Park!" 571 00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:43,854 You couldn't afford a bat, so you used your little brother. 572 00:23:46,859 --> 00:23:49,760 The other kids wouldn't play with that brave little lad 573 00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:52,712 with the weird mitt and the talking bat. 574 00:23:56,284 --> 00:23:59,119 Twenty-two! 575 00:23:59,155 --> 00:24:01,755 Cut! 576 00:24:01,791 --> 00:24:02,791 Unger, you're out! 577 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,560 No! 578 00:24:06,596 --> 00:24:12,182 Felix, that was the worst acting I've ever seen in my entire life 579 00:24:12,217 --> 00:24:14,012 and I appreciate it. But it worked! 580 00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:15,780 I told you Unger had a plan. 581 00:24:15,804 --> 00:24:18,000 I killed the hour. Now they've gotta use you. 582 00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,117 You know, I can't figure you out. 583 00:24:19,141 --> 00:24:21,041 One minute you're driving me up the wall 584 00:24:21,076 --> 00:24:23,977 the next minute you do a crazy, beautiful thing like this. 585 00:24:24,013 --> 00:24:25,712 You're a worse pip than Crazy Rhoda. 586 00:24:25,747 --> 00:24:28,499 Well, don't spread it around that I'm a nice guy. 587 00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:30,863 It'll kill me in the business. 588 00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:33,120 All right, Unger, get out of the way. 589 00:24:33,155 --> 00:24:35,167 There you go, baby, it's all yours. 590 00:24:35,191 --> 00:24:36,690 Take over. 591 00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:37,691 Madison... Yeah? 592 00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,126 Out of the way, please. 593 00:24:39,161 --> 00:24:41,212 Why? Who's going to play the reporter? 594 00:24:41,247 --> 00:24:42,796 None of your business! 595 00:24:42,831 --> 00:24:44,831 Speed. Mark. 596 00:24:46,201 --> 00:24:48,535 Action. 597 00:24:49,605 --> 00:24:51,655 Tell us about your career, uh, son. 598 00:25:02,434 --> 00:25:04,546 Oscar? 599 00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:05,803 Yeah. 600 00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:09,973 Hey, I just had a nap, and I had that dream again. 601 00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:14,044 I dreamed the movie came out and you were such a smash in it, 602 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,980 they put your handprints in Grauman's Chinese. 603 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,982 Felix, I never got in the picture, remember? 604 00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,096 I know, I know, but I won't rest 605 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,680 until I see your handprints. 606 00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,124 Rest. 42104

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