All language subtitles for Send Me No Flowers 1964 720p BluRay x264 SiNNERS-English

(SEND ME NO FLOWERS PLAYING)

(CLOCK BELL TOLLING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

MAN: Feeling low?

(DRILLING)

Tossing and turning all night?

(CREAKING)

Having trouble
going beddy-bye?

Know what?
You've got a headache.

Then try the new miracle
painkiller, Nipsarin,

the pill nine out of 10 doctors
prescribe, and get instant relief.

MAN 2: Uh-oh.

Painful sinuses got you down?

Those naughty nasal passages
clogging up on you?

Don't give it another thought.

Try new
doctor-prescribed Nauseadrene.

The pill with a new magic
ingredient, N. U. 202.

And smash your troubles away.

MAN 3: Uh-oh.

Tummy feeling crummy?

You bet it does.

And there you go
taking those rotten tablets.

See? Nothing happens.
They just lay there.

Now, watch wonder-working
Garbagene go to work.

See how much faster the new,
improved, new formula,

better-than-ever Garbagene tablets
are than that no-good brand.

(BU RPS)

George, breakfast!

Good morning, Arnold!

Oh, Mrs. Kimball!

Oh, hi, Ern.

Isn't this a lovely morning?
Oh, it is. It's beautiful.

Let's see, yogurt, carrot juice,

cottage cheese, organic honey,

non-fat and eggs, fertile.

Fishers, over on Maple Street,
they got their new car today.

Oh, good. Only it's not new.
Secondhand.

Don't breathe a word of this to
anybody, but you know the Bullards?

(INHALING)

Now, remember,
don't spread this around.

George!

(DOORBELL DINGING)

George!

George!

George!

George!

(SMASHES)

(SIGHS)

(VEHICLE PASSING)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

(WHISTLING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Nash!
It's Vito, the cleaner.

Hey, daddy-o!
I got your cleaning.

Ruth!

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

George!

George!

(VITO WHISTLES)

Hey, need a hand,
Mrs. Kimball?

(VITO CHUCKLING)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

Ooh. Ooh.

Judy...

I heard you, dear.
You said, "Ooh."

Well, doesn't it concern you
I have this pain in my chest?

I'm always concerned about
the pains in your chest.

It's just that I have
had such a morning.

You would not believe it.

I called Dr. Morrissey. I'm
gonna have a complete checkup.

It's probably
nothing serious though.

A checkup?
Mmm-hmm.

But you just had one,
two weeks ago.

In two weeks, your body could turn on you.
Just like that.

Well, while it's turning,
eat your breakfast.

I don't think I better,
not till Ralph looks me over.

Oh, George! Then at least have
a piece of toast or something.

I promise it won't
show up in the X-rays.

It's roughage.

Oh! I don't know
why I bother to cook.

Well, maybe one piece of toast.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, have I got
something to tell you.

Guess what?

The Bullards are
getting a divorce.

The Bullards?

The milkman told me.

Who are they?

They live in the next block.

I don't really know them.

But I must say I expected it.

You don't know them and you
expected them to get a divorce?

I know all about them.

Marge told me the whole story
at the bridge club.

Oh, that poor thing.

There must really be
something wrong with him.

Well, how do you know? Maybe,
there's something wrong with her.

Oh, no! Oh! She's very nice.

I met her at the supermarket.

If you're nice in the supermarket,
you're not very nice at home.

You know...
No, Judy! Judy. No butter.

It's loaded with cholesterol,
animal fat.

George, you know that, two years ago,
you had never heard of cholesterol?

And today, it is the biggest
thing in your life.

Now, you can just sit there and
laugh about it if you want to.

Meanwhile, men my age are
dropping like flies.

Do you ever read
the obituary page?

It's enough
to scare you to death.

Well, if it scares you,
why do you read it?

What should I do?
Bury my head in the sand?

No. But why is it that every time
you hear somebody has something

you think you have it, too.

Now, what do you mean by that?

Oh, come on.

Remember the year
they operated on Whitey Ford?

Remember that?

You thought you had
bone chips in your elbow.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, well, there
definitely was pain there.

George,
your hypochondria's showing.

(CHUCKLING)

I am not a hypochondriac!

Listen, someday when I'm lying in
the hospital in my bed of pain,

then you'll change your tune.

(CHUCKLING)

You better hurry.
You'll miss your train.

Pardon me.

What's today?

Friday.

Maybe I'd better cancel that
lunch date with Winston Burr.

I mean, the way
I feel and everything.

Darling, I think you
could risk a cup of tea.

Yeah.

I don't suppose a cup of
weak tea would hurt me.

No matter what's wrong with me.

Your call to Mrs. Bullard
is ready, Mr. Burr.

Thank you.
Bullard?

Bullard? She the one
that's getting a divorce?

Yeah, how did you know?

We have the same milkman.

Watch this. The Winston
Burr patented procedure

with potential divorcees.

Hello, Linda.

Winston. Winnie Burr.

Say, Linda,
I heard the horrible...

Well, I'm just heartbroken.

Yeah.

Well, I always considered you
and David my best friends.

Linda, if there's
anything I can do,

you mustn't hesitate to call me.

Yeah.

Well, now, the next couple of
weeks are going to be very tough.

You're gonna be lonely.

Yeah.

Say, how would it be if we had a
quiet little drink together tonight?

And maybe I could think of something to
bring you and David back together again?

Okay, I'll pick you up
about 8:00. Tonight.

How's that?

All right,
little darling, and chin up.

You are a 100%, non-shrinkable,
no-money-back rat fink.

Yeah.
But a bachelor rat fink.

Well, I'll see you
at the club tomorrow, George,

and good luck with your doctor.

Check please!

(ALARM BUZZING)

Oh, boy, am I pooped!

I made eight house calls
this morning.

Now, why in blazes
didn't I specialize

so I could get some sleep, huh?

Ralph...
Like those lucky allergists.

You know, they keep hours
just like a banker.

They make the same
kind of money, too.

I know one of them built a
$100,000 house on ragweed alone.

Yes. When the pollen
count goes up,

just like the stock market.

Oh, Ralph, I have this pain...

Well, thank goodness
it's Friday.

I'm going fishing this weekend.

A friend of mine's
got a cabin cruiser.

Gastroenterologist.

He would look at
anything but gallbladders.

He is cleaning up.
Absolutely cleaning up.

You'll be on a boat for a whole weekend?
Yep, that's right.

Well, suppose somebody has to reach you.
Like... Like an emergency.

Emergency?
Yeah.

(CHUCKLING)

What emergency?

No, no, no...
90% of my patients,

absolutely nothing in the
world the matter with them.

The 10% that have got
something seriously wrong...

Then I send them
to a specialist.

Well, now, George,
what seems to be the trouble?

What? Oh, well, I have
this pain, and it's...

Well, can you...
Can you show me where it is?

Yeah, right here. Hurts like
the devil when I press it.

Then don't press it.

Now, George, tell me,

is it a sharp pain, is it a dull
pain, or does it grip like a vice.

Yes. Yes.

No, no, no, no, no...
Pick one.

Oh, well...

I'd say it was
more of a sharp pain.

Mmm-hmm.

(MUMBLES)

I guess we'd better
take a little listen.

Do you have any idea
what it might be?

Not yet.

Well, it's probably
nothing serious.

You know how Judy worries,
though, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Now take a...
Take a deep breath.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale!

Oh, you can... You can
button up now, George.

What's the bad news?

What?

This pain in my chest, is there
some medical term for it?

Yes.

It's called indigestion.

Now, I want you to take
one of these pills.

Take one before each meal
and again before retiring.

Oh, what kind of pills are they?

You wouldn't know if I told you.

Just take them.
Take the pills.

All right.

Oh, Ralph.
Hmm?

About that cardiogram you took
when you checked my heart...

Yeah, what about it?

Well, that's what
I was gonna ask.

What about it?

What are you talking about?

Well, how did it turn out?

I don't know.

The results aren't due from Dr.
Peterson for another week.

Well, he's had it for two weeks.

He's certainly studying it
for quite a while, isn't he?

Dr. Peterson is
a very busy man.

Biggest cardiologist
in the city.

Got a goldmine there,
he's got a regular goldmine.

Well, then, in your considered
opinion, everything is okay?

Yes, George,
you are as sound as a bell.

Yep, I wish all of my patients were
as healthy as you are, George.

Speaking
non-professionally of course.

And this pain in my chest? I can just
go right ahead and live a normal life?

I would. Oh, you can take one of
those pills now if you want to.

There's some water in there.

Right now?
You make it sound so urgent.

It doesn't make any difference.

Take it if you want to.
If you don't want to...

No, no, no. I'll take it now
if it's that important.

Is that my chart, Ralph?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, aren't you doing an awful lot
of writing for just indigestion?

The more I write,
the more money I charge.

Good.

(RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, yes. Yes, Doctor.

Yes, yes, I... I appreciate
how busy you've been, Doctor,

that's why I didn't want
to pressure you about it.

Whose cardiogram?

William Malone's?

Yes, I've been
rather worried about him.

He's getting on
in years, you know.

Well, what does the cardiogram show, Dr.
Peterson?

What?

Oh, that's really a shame.

Yeah, but...

Still, what can you do?

Give him a few pills
to ease the pain in his chest.

Not much you can do
when the old ticker goes, eh?

Yeah.

How much time do you
figure he's got, Doctor?

A few weeks.

Oh, yes, yes. I've...

I've seen them
go just like that.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

No, no, no...
I'm not going to tell him.

I think... I think he's better
off not knowing about it.

All right.

Oh, fine. You... You have
a nice weekend too, Doctor.

Bye-bye.

I'm back, Ralph.

Good.

Do you still want me
to take these pills?

Yes, George. It'll ease
that pain in your chest.

Ralph...

Mmm-hmm?

Do you mind if I ask you
sort of a question?

Why no, no, not at all.
Go ahead, George, shoot.

Well...

Suppose you had a patient

and you found out that he only
had a few more weeks to live.

I mean, he could go
just like that.

Yeah?

Would you tell him?

Well, offhand,
George, I would say

it would all depend
on the circumstances.

Circumstances?

Yes. If I knew
that the man's affairs

were in order,
his will properly made out,

his insurance all
paid up, no loose ends,

well, I'd see
no reason to tell him.

Well, suppose he
were an old friend.

Like me.

Your affairs in order, will properly
made out, insurance all paid up?

Yes.
Then I wouldn't tell you.

Anything else I can
do for you, George?

(INHALING)

(SNIFFLING)

Goodbye, Mr. Kimball.

(BLOWING NOSE)

RALPH: See you in church.

MARGE: Judy? Judy?

Yeah!

Judy, come on,
we're teeing off at 2:30.

I'll be with you
in a second, Marge.

What are you doing?

Making George's sleeping pills.

What are you? A pharmacist?

I'm a very smart wife.

You know George.

He's convinced he
can't sleep without a pill.

So, he thinks it's Seconal.
I know it's sugar.

And it works?
It has for five years.

And you know something else,
when he takes two,

he goes to sleep twice as fast.

(LAUGHING)

You should be written up
in the medical journal.

Oh, that would ruin everything.
Why?

He reads it every week.
Oh, no.

Hi, George.
Hello, Arnold.

I just put Ruth on
the plane to her mother's,

the kids are in camp,
and now I'm alone...

And unafraid.

What are you doing?

Eating.

Nuts? George Kimball...
Cholesterol?

What's the matter, George?
You seem kind of down today?

Arnold, can I take you
into my confidence?

You can, George.

Well...

I've just heard
some rather bad news.

Now, you've got to
promise to keep it quiet.

I wouldn't want it to get
around the neighborhood.

It's...

It's nothing that's going to
affect property values, is it?

No, I wouldn't think so.

That's a relief.

What then?

You know this
little pain in my chest

that I've been
complaining about?

You mean your indigestion?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, it's not indigestion.

No?

It's curtains, Arnold.

Curtains? What do you
mean, "Curtains"?

I just came from the doctor.

He only gives me
a few more weeks to live.

(SHUSHING)
Oh, come on. What do you...

I don't believe it.

It's true.
It's the old ticker.

Holy cow.

Well, are they sure?

I had Peterson, the biggest
cardiologist in the city.

Holy cow.

Gee, George...

I don't know what to say.

But this is so sudden. You...

George, I...

I believe I'd
better have a drink.

I think I'd like to have one
with you, if you don't mind.

Certainly not.

I'd like a martini.

Same.

Double.

George...
What?

How are you going to tell Judy?

Judy?

Oh, I'm not going to tell her.

No?
No. I couldn't bear it.

She'd probably go to pieces.
All that weeping, wailing...

You know Judy.

Yeah, I remember how she was
when the dog died.

Oh, I don't mean there'd be
any comparison, George.

This would be much worse.

You know what I mean.

Of course, Arnold.
George...

Is there anything I can do?
Anything, anything at all.

Not only as a lawyer,
but as your best friend.

I don't know.

Somebody has to take care
of the funeral details.

Do you wanna do that?

I'll do it.

(BELL DINGING)

Hi!
Judy...

What's the matter with him?

It's so nice to see you again.

Well, it's good
to see you, too, George.

(GIGGLING)
How is everything?

Everything's just fine, dear.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Wonderful.

Hi, Arnold.
Hi.

Ruth get off all right?

Like a rocket.

Good.

How are you...

(CHUCKLING)

What are you taking?
George's vitamin pills?

Judy...

Honey, I just want you to know
that you can always count on me.

Thanks, Arnold.
For...

I think we should
drive Arnold home, dear.

I think so, too. He can
pick up his car tomorrow.

Judy, you know what a noble
man you're married to?

Always thinking of the other
guy, even at a time like this.

What do you mean,
"at a time like this"?

He means at a time like this when
he forgets where he parked his car.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, you can ride
with us, Arnie. Come on.

That was brilliant.

Come on, Arnold.

Judy...

I just wanted to tell you, I
live right next door, all right?

Arnold.
Right, Arnold.

If ever you need me
for anything,

day or night, that's where
I'll be, right next door.

Thanks a lot, Arnold.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, is he bombed.
Yeah.

What's he celebrating?
Here you are, Mrs. Kimball.

For you, we put it
through special.

Thanks, Vito.

Man, that is something.

Almost as wild as this
morning's outfit, huh?

Bye now.

(CHUCKLING)

He's a pretty fresh kid,
you know that?

Oh, he's just friendly.

Friendly, huh? I bet he makes out
pretty good in this neighborhood.

Oh, darling, Joe at the gas
station gave me back this check.

He said it's the wrong amount,
and I should make out a new one.

You see, what I did
is the bill was 45.58,

and I don't know how I did this,
but I made out a check for 78.60.

Well, the figure
is not $78.60.

Oh, I know that... It's 7-8-6-O.
You paid your license plate.

You're kidding.

That's an odd one.

Judy, please...

Oh, now, George,
anybody can make

a little mistake, even you.
I'd like to talk to you.

Judy.
What?

How would you like
to go to night school?

Where?
Night school.

Night school?

Yeah, just a couple
of evenings a week.

Are you all right?
Learn banking,

bookkeeping,
a little accounting.

George! Why?

Because these are
the little things

that keep our ship afloat.
For example...

What does "amortization
of a mortgage" mean?

(CHUCKLES) I don't care.
I really don't care.

But you've got to care.

Oh, that's your department.

But it's important
you know these things, too.

Now, what's the sense in both
of us knowing the same thing?

Judy, please... Will you
let me get dinner, George?

That's exactly what
I wanna talk to you about.

This ham for example.

How much is a pound
of Virginia ham these days?

I don't know. I didn't buy a pound.
How much did you buy?

A half-pound.
How much was it?

George, if I don't know
what a pound costs,

I certainly don't know
what a half a pound costs.

Well, how do you know
they're not cheating you

if you don't know
what anything costs?

Would you please tell
me why you're getting

so worked up over Virginia ham

all of a sudden?
It's not just Virginia ham.

It's the whole big principle.

George?
You didn't lose your job?

No, no, I didn't lose my job.

I'll have that job
the rest of my life.

Well, then, what are
you worried about?

Sweetie, you better
check on Arnold.

See if he wants
to have dinner, huh?

We can eat in about
a half an hour.

George,
what does amortization mean?

(JUDY LAUGHING)

Hindus had
the right idea, Arnold.

When the husband died,
the wife went with him.

Threw herself right
on the funeral pyre.

Then he didn't have
to worry about her.

Listen, George,
I've been thinking

and I wanna do this,
so don't say no.

The fact is,
I consider it a privilege.

What Arnold?

I want to deliver the eulogy.

That'll be fine.

And don't you worry, buddy.

I'll give you
one gorgeous sendoff.

I'm sure you will.

I just wish I could be around
long enough to hear it.

Well, maybe, I can knock out
a rough draft before you go.

You know something, Arnold.

Judy'll never make it alone.

Oh, no, don't look
at it that way, George.

Look at it this way.

Judy's young, she's attractive,

she'll probably get
married again and...

I'm sorry...

I shouldn't say a thing like
that with you not gone yet.

It's all right, Arnold.

Of course, it's a possibility.

Judy might get married again.

Suppose she married the wrong
man like poor Janet Hart.

Do you remember Janet Hart?

Who?

Janet and Bill Hart,
don't you remember?

No.

Well, after Bill died, Janet
needed somebody to lean on,

so she turned to the first
guy that came along.

One week after the funeral, she ran off
with a bongo player from Birdland.

A bongo player?

Yeah.
Took her for every cent.

Is that gonna
happen to Judy, George?

Who knows? Judy could turn to
the first man that comes along.

Holy cow.

Arnold, there's no
question about it.

Judy should get married again, but
she must marry the right man.

Arnold, I've got to
find her another husband.

Another husband.

Who, George?

I don't know.
Somebody, I'll find somebody.

Well, I'm a married man, George.

Not you.

The woods must be full
of eligible bachelors.

(INSTRUMENTAL R&B
MUSIC PLAYING)

Did it come yet, baby?

What, mi amore?

The 50 thou, the old boy's
life insurance.

Is that enough, Vito?

For now, if we need more,
we can sell the joint.

Mr. Kimball is here
to see you, Mr. Akins.

Oh, yes.

You phoned us about the purchase
of a final resting place.

Yes, I did.
Sit down, won't you?

Thank you.

My, this has been
a busy morning.

You didn't run into the Archers
on your way in, did you?

Who?
The Archers on Meadow Road.

You know them?

No, I don't think so.

Well, they're a family of eight.

They were all in.
Wonderful to see them.

You don't get those
big families anymore.

Well, I can understand
your point of view.

Tell me, Mr. Kimball, are you
familiar with Green Hills?

Pardon?

Do you have anyone
residing with us?

Not as yet.

You saw our advertising
campaign in the papers?

No, I must have missed it.

Well, I think I have
a copy of it somewhere here...

Oh, yes. Here she be.

Really hits you in the eye,
doesn't it?

Yes, it really does.

As you can see, we suggest
the entire family all go out

and select the final
resting place together.

The kids love it.
They have a ball.

I'll bet they do.

Now, if you'll notice, all
the monuments in Green Hills

are exactly the same height.
Four feet.

As you see, it gives a wonderful
impression of uniformity.

A sort of
Levittown of the hereafter.

(LAUGHING)

I like that. I like that.
The Levittown...

Mr. Akins, if you don't mind,
could we get down to business?

Yes, siree, Bob.

Just as soon as I find
the old order pad.

Here we are.

Now, how many in your family,
Mr. Kimball?

Just my wife and myself.

Oh, well. That's all right.

Chance of any
little additions maybe?

Well, there might be
another man along later.

I beg your pardon.

Mr. Akins,
let me ask you a question.

Assuming the husband goes first,

and then later on
the wife remarries.

Uh-huh.

Then assuming that
the wife goes next,

and she's buried alongside
her first husband.

Well, when the second
husband goes,

is he buried
alongside the other two?

I mean, are they all
put in there together?

Yes, that happens.

Well, make it for three.

I might as well go all the way.

All righty,
reservations for three.

Now, how much is this?

$1,000.

$1,000?

We throw in
the first year's gardening.

How's that hit you?

Swell.

Now, I'd like to make this check
out for cash, if you don't mind.

Suit yourself.

You see, I'd rather my wife
didn't know about this.

You want to surprise her.

Yes.

Well, this will
give her a real thrill!

It makes a very thoughtful gift.

Let me show you.

We've got a lovely layout.

I think we'll put you
in K-1, 2 and 3.

Sunset Hill,
right next to Folded Wings.

Oh, you're lucky.
You're lucky.

That's nice high ground.

Lovely view from here.

Sounds marvelous.
It's a honey.

When will it be
available to move in?

It's kept in tip-top
shape at all times.

Whenever you're ready...

We're ready.

That's a comforting thought.

Well, thank you, Mr. Akins.

There's just one more thing.

Yeah.

And I think you should be made aware of it.
What's that?

It's of no immediate
concern, of course,

but there are plans on the books

for a state highway that would
go right through Green Hills.

A state highway?

Not until 1980 perhaps,
and that's not definite.

But in the event
it does come to pass,

we'll take care of
everything at our expense.

What does that mean?

Well, we'll either move you
to another location,

or, if you wish, put you
deeper under the freeway.

I see.

Well, either way, whatever the
others do, I'll go along with them.

Fine and dandy.

I'll get the deed to you
in a day or so.

You really enjoy
your work, don't you?

Sure do. I wouldn't want
to do anything else.

I like people.

Well, goodbye.
Oh, and Mr. Kimball?

Yes?

Your green stamps.

I'll hurry and change, sweetie.
We tee off in 15 minutes.

Oh, I don't think
I'll play today.

Oh, George!
No, I don't think I'd better.

Oh, honey, I hate to play alone.

I'll meet you on
the ninth green, okay?

(SIGHING) Okay.

Well, Arnold, I did it.

Yeah?

I went out and
I bought a cemetery plot.

Oh, good. Good.
Use it in good health.

I'm sorry. I...

I'm not in very
good shape today.

I've got just one more
thing to attend to,

then I can stop all this gallivanting
around and go to bed and wait.

What's that?

A husband for Judy.

Look, I made a list of all the
eligible bachelors around here.

Oh, yes.

Good morning, Arnold, George.

Hi.
Hi, Sam.

What about old
Sam Scheffing there?

Oh, he hasn't got a quarter.

Never could stand him, anyway.

I want a man who can afford to give
Judy the things I went into debt for.

How about Paul Pendergrass?

He's playing tennis here today.

He's reasonably good-looking.
Mmm-hmm.

Not as reasonable as you,
George, but...

I'm sorry.

There's Harry Hanson.

And a great handicap. Two.
Really?

Is he on your list?
No.

Put him on the list.
Fine competitor.

Fore!

(SHUSHING)
You're a fraud, Harry Hanson!

Be quiet. Be quiet.
Sit down and be quiet.

You should be exposed!

Come on, now, let's find Judy.
Come on, let's go.

(COOING)

George, hey. Hi, Arnold.

It's pretty discouraging,
isn't it?

A bit.

I said it yesterday and I'll say it again
today, the woods are full of them.

What woods, George?

What's the difference,
what woods? Any woods.

(ALARM BUZZING)

What's that?

It's time for my pill.

It hardly seems worthwhile
to take a pill.

I'm sorry, George.

(SCREAMING)

Help! I can't stop!

JUDY: Look out, George!

Judy! Judy, wait!
Arnold, hurry up!

No, no, no! Go that way.

(JUDY SCREAMS)

Faster, Arnold, hurry up!

Look out!

I can't stop! I'm sorry.

(NEIGHING)

George!

Somebody, stop this thing!

Step on it!
I am!

(EXCLAIMING)

Thank you.

It's all right, little lady,
you're safe now.

(WHOOPING)

Put me down.
What's the matter with you?

Now, just a minute...

Judy!

Bert!

(LAUGHING) Bert Power!

Judy. Judy Hepplewhite!

Oh, Bert Power.

Judy Hepplewhite.

Gosh, you look wonderful,
pretty as ever.

Oh, I don't. I look terrible.
Look at my hair.

Judy. Judy Hepplewhite.

George. George Kimball!

Maybe we should just tiptoe away.
We're intruding.

Bert, I'd like you to meet
my husband George

and our good friend
and neighbor Arnold Nash.

Fellas, I'd like you to meet
Bert Power, my college...

Sweetheart.
Hi there, Arnold.

George.

Oh, excuse me, George.

I thought you were
the good friend and neighbor.

I'm not her good friend,
I'm her husband.

For the time being, anyway.

So, you married
little Judy Hepplewhite.

Yes, I did.

Oh, no offense.

What I meant was Judy was always,
kind of, the campus queen.

Sort of figured she'd wind up
marrying somebody like Cary Grant.

(LAUGHING)

No, she just married me.

Well, I think she did just fine.

Oh, so do I.

And so do I.

Little Judy Hepplewhite...

Look, if you don't mind,
her name's Kimball now

because she married me
and that's my name. Kimball.

Well, now, that's a perfectly good name.
Don't change it.

Bert, what are you doing here?

Just flew in from Phoenix
for a little business swindle.

A swindle?

You know, I think we ought to get
you out of those wet clothes.

Why don't we go up to your
little, old country club,

have some lunch,
then we can really talk?

Oh, marvelous!
Okay? Good.

JUDY: I'm so glad to see you. Now,
you could have got hurt out there.

Are we invited, too?

Oh, sure, come along.
Come on, George.

(CHATTERING)

Tell me, Burt, what are
you doing these days?

As a matter of fact, I'm in oil.

Oil?
Yeah.

Isn't that fascinating?

BERT: I tell you,
it's marvelous tax-wise.

The government lets the first
27.5% go right into your pocket.

JUDY: Really?

Listen, these people who're always
bellyaching about not having any money,

they should all get into oil.

Yes, it would certainly
wipe out poverty.

By the way, George, what
line of business are you in?

I'm with Connell
Electronics Corporation.

You on the big board?

No, and we're not on
the little board either.

Well, actually it's a small company,
Bert, but it's very important.

They manufacture a little
transistor just about this big.

This big.

Well, anyway, as George
said in a speech once,

that, without it, a whole city like
Pittsburgh would be blacked out.

Well, from what I've seen of Pittsburgh,
it'd look better blacked out.

JUDY: It's true.

Tell me, Bert,
did your wife come with you?

My wife? I'm not married.

JUDY: What?
BERT: Yeah.

JUDY: Bert Power,
I don't believe you.

BERT: Well, it's true.

How did you escape?

Well, now,
if you really must know,

it's partly your fault,
passion girl.

JUDY: (LAUGHING) Mine?

BERT: Yeah.
George?

After you threw me over, I certainly couldn't
settle for second best, now, could I?

Excuse me, please.
I'll powder my nose.

BERT: Sure.

George, your nose needs
a little powder, too.

Yeah, yeah.

George?

Bert Power... Doggone.
It's been a long time.

Excuse me.
I'll be back in a minute.

Why don't you order
for me, passion girl?

I'd like the chef salad,
vinegar, no oil.

George, George.
What do you want?

Our worries are over.
What?

We found a man for Judy.

Who?

Who?
Yeah.

(SHUSHING) Bert, of course.
Bert Power.

Bert Power? Are you mad?

Judy married to that cornball?

Why, I'd...
I'd live first!

Judy doesn't think
he's such a cornball.

(SHUSHING)

And he's loaded,
George, he's loaded!

He's not the only
one that's loaded.

(SHUSHING) Well, how much
time have you got to look?

I'm sorry. But even if you
find somebody you like,

how do you know
he's gonna go for Judy?

Not go for Judy? Are you kidding?
That's impossible.

Nothing's impossible, George.

Two girls turned me down
before Ruth said yes.

One of them even
laughed in my face.

(LAUGHING)

Well...

If it would make Judy happy...

And do you wanna know...
Oh, hello.

Welcome back, George.

Oh, glad to be back,
Bert, old man.

They're having a dinner dance
here at the club tonight, Bert.

Why don't you come along
as my and Judy's guest?

BERT: That's very kind
of you, George,

considering I'm
not even deductible.

(GEORGE AND ARNOLD GUFFAWING)

BERT: I'll take care
of the champagne.

GEORGE: Great!

Just great!

In fact, I've never seen anything
greater than Bert's backhand.

And those drives off the tee, every
one of them was over 350 yards.

And wasn't it a pleasure
playing bridge with him!

Did you ever see
a more polished player?

Oh, he's all right.

All right?

(CHUCKLES)

Why are you trying
to act so nonchalant?

You were very happy to see him.

Of course I was happy.
I was very surprised.

Come on, you couldn't
keep your eyes off him.

How could I help it?
He was there all afternoon.

And remember, darling,
it was your suggestion

that we play tennis
and golf and bridge.

As a matter of fact,
you insisted, didn't you?

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm?

What's gotten into you?

Why?

Normally,
if I spent that much time

with another man,
you'd be wildly jealous.

Me?

You always have been.

I'm not the jealous type at all.

Remember that last party
at the Brinkoff's

when Larry was helping me on
with my coat?

You were livid.

Helping you out of your coat?
He was helping himself.

There, you see?
You were jealous.

Of course, I was jealous.

And wouldn't you be
furious if I weren't?

Yeah.

Hey, I have to get my shower.

Not yet.

(LAUGHING)

George!

If I don't hurry,
we'll miss the dance.

It wouldn't be
the first one we've missed.

You shouldn't have invited Bert.

Your loving husband,

the late George Kimball.

ARNOLD: Hey, George.

In here, Arnold.

I need help, old buddy.

I'm in no shape to wrestle
with this... Later.

Later. I want you
to hear something.

What you doing, George?
Listen.

GEORGE: One, two, three...

(CLEARING THROAT)

(COUGHING)

My dearest Judy,

by the time you hear this
tape, I will be dead.

Yes, my hypochondria
has finally paid off.

Aha!

Forgive the jest, but as you
see, I retain my sense of humor

till the end.

My darling, I want to tell
you how much I loved you

and what happiness you gave me
during our marriage.

When I found out that I was
dying, I had grave anxieties

about you
and your future welfare.

It was for this reason
that I felt you should remarry

and that Bert would
make an ideal husband.

I'm telling you all this, so
you'll feel no guilt whatsoever

about marrying Bert

after whatever is considered a
decent interval by your bridge club.

And now,
my dearest, I must close

with sincerest wishes
for your future happiness.

Your loving husband,

the late George Kimball.

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's just beautiful.

Hey, Arnold, you should
take it a little easy.

You've been hitting that bottle
pretty hard the last couple of days.

Yes, and I'm going to keep
right on hitting it, too.

You may not need it, but I don't know any
other way to get through this thing.

Be quiet.
Judy's right upstairs.

I'm sorry.

George. Do me.

Yeah.

Come on, now.

George, I wanna tell you

how proud I am of you.

The wonderful thing
you're doing for Judy,

so unselfish and un-noble.

Thank you, Arnold.

I mean, actually fixing
your wife up with another man.

George?

Mmm-hmm.

Does it bother you that
Judy may marry this guy

and, you know...

You mean...

Yeah.

No, Arnold.

She wouldn't think of that
with another man.

All she needs now
is a companion.

Someone to walk with

over the hill and
down the other side.

That's a beautiful thought.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

I know you will, buddy.

You know something, old buddy?

The fact that the end is near

seems to have sharpened
all my senses.

See this tree here, Arnold?

Not too well, George.

It's beautiful.

Such strength.

It's magnificent.

And this table.

It feels so good just to
run your hand over it.

So smooth and cool.

Well, all this is coming a little
late for me, Arnold, this awareness.

Why couldn't I have felt like
this every day in my life?

But you, you still have life
ahead of you, Arnold.

Arnold? Arnold, wake up!

Feel alive, appreciate
the beauty around you.

Don't you understand
what I mean?

Yeah, sure.

Every chance I get,
I'm gonna feel a table.

Oh, boy, smooth!

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you know that we haven't
danced once this entire evening?

I know we haven't.

Well, what's
the matter with you?

Aren't you feeling well?
No. I feel fine.

Well, then why don't
you ask me to dance?

Well, I mean,
for me, I feel fine.

And that's not what you'd
really call "feeling fine."

Why don't you ask Bert
to dance again?

I have danced with that man...
He's a marvelous dancer.

How do you know?
Have you danced with him?

No.

He must be a marvelous dancer.

He does everything so well,
don't you think?

George. George...
Yeah.

Hi, are you with us?
Yeah, sure.

Darling, I don't think you
know a George Kimball, do you?

No. George, this
is Linda Bullard.

Hi.
Hello.

It's so nice to meet you.

You know, I think I've seen
your wife at the supermarket.

Yes, I think she mentioned it.

Well, would you boys
excuse me for a minute?

I must phone home and
check with the sitter.

I won't be a minute, darling.

(CHUCKLING)

Why don't you ask me
how things are going?

All right, how are things...

Going?
Mmm-hmm.

A-okay. Green.

Go.

Well, George, if you hear of any
other prospects, let me know.

Saturday night dance at the club is
always good for a split up or two.

(SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN)

Do you appreciate
all the life around you?

Do you, Jacques?

Do you ever look at a tree?

I mean, do you ever really
look at a tree? Jacques...

It's magnificent.

Did you ever...
Did you ever feel a table?

Wake up, wake up.
Live your life.

Hi, George.

I love you, George.

Such a sweet little woman,

somewhat like Judy.

Who, George?

She's falling into the trap

of that
small-time lecher, that...

What time, George?

I really should do
something about it.

Do what, George?

At least one good
deed before I go.

Go where, George?

It's strange,

the way facing
the great adventure

changes all your moral values.

How, George?

I'm gonna do it.

Do what, George?

When, George?

It's so smooth.

I won't be home
any later that 1:30.

All right. Bye. Bye-bye. Hi.

Mrs. Bullard, may I talk to you
for a moment, please, in private?

Well, of course, Mr. Kimball.
Good.

In here.

Does this have a familiar ring, Mrs.
Bullard?

What?

Look, I know your next
few weeks are gonna be tough.

You're gonna be lonely.

Say, how would it be

if we had a nice, quiet little
drink together some night?

Please go on, Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Kimball, you just don't
know how grateful I am to you.

No, I mean,
you have prevented me

from making
a complete fool of...

A complete fool.

How can I ever thank you?

You don't have to thank me.

I'll never forget
you for this. Never.

Judy.

May I help you, Mr. Kimball?

No.

Judy!

Judy, Judy, wait.

Please, let me explain.

That'll take some explaining.

Kissing that woman
in the checkroom.

That was no woman.
That was Linda Bullard.

What?
Yes. Linda Bullard.

You see, I was
trying to tell her...

No wonder the Bullards
are splitting up.

Judy, this isn't our car.

Don't try to change the subject.

Judy, wait.

I suppose the whole town knows.

The milkman, the bridge club,
everybody but me.

What on earth are
you talking about?

It all fits now.

What fits now?

Shoving me off
onto poor Bert Power,

so you wouldn't feel guilty
going with another woman.

What do you mean?

Trying to send me
to night school,

so you could have
all your evenings free.

Judy, you're making
a terrible mistake.

I'm leaving you, George Kimball.

I wouldn't spend another night
under the same roof with a...

With a swinger.

Swinger? Me?

You're a playboy.
And an adulterer.

Judy, I have something
to say to you.

Give me those keys.
Move over.

Then say it.

And please take
the lipstick off your face.

Judy, I didn't
wanna tell you this,

but you have to know the truth.

I won't have you thinking that
I'm unfaithful to you. Ever.

Especially now,
at the ebb tide of my life.

It's true, I was trying
to match you up with Bert.

But it was for a completely
unselfish, yes, even a noble, reason

that I wanted you
to have somebody.

Have somebody?
After I'm gone.

So that's it.

You're going away with Linda
Bullard, that's what.

I'm not going with anyone.

Judy, do you remember, yesterday,
when I went to see Dr. Morrissey

about this pain in my chest?

You mean your indigestion?

Yes.

Well, I lied to you.

Judy, my time is up.

(ALARM BUZZING)

That's right, George.
It's time for another pill.

I'm serious.

I'm dying, Judy.
It's the old ticker.

Oh, George, if you don't stop...

(GRUNTS)

It's true.

Call, Ralph. He'll tell you.

I may only have
a few more weeks to live.

Oh...

Oh, George!

Oh, George!

There, there, now. Chin up.

George!

At least, isn't it better
than having another woman?

(SOBBING)

That's enough, Arnold.

I'll park here for a while.

Arnold, turn me
around a little bit.

I'd like to look at my tree.

That's fine.

Now, if you want anything,

I'll be right here,
mowing your back lawn.

I already mowed your front lawn.

And it's beautiful, Arnold.

Hi, darling.
Hi.

How are you feeling?

Well, perhaps a little
weaker than yesterday.

I think sitting in this wheelchair
is sapping my strength.

But, sweetheart, that's why we put
you in it, to conserve your energy.

Well, I know, but...

And I got the tickets.

It's Flight 17. We leave
at 7:45 in the morning.

When we arrive in Rochester, there'll
be a limousine at the airport

to take us directly
to the Mayo Clinic.

Judy, I think it's useless,
this trip to the clinic.

Useless?
George, nothing is useless.

It'll be so costly.

I don't care about the cost.

Honey, they'll just prolong it.

Then I'll just lie there
and linger.

One of the most expensive things you
can do these days is to linger.

George, I don't care
about the expense.

We'll spend every
cent if we have to.

Arnold.

Thank you, Arnold.

Were you able
to reach Dr. Morrissey?

No.

No. Even his answering
service doesn't answer.

You're kidding.
No.

Oh, Arnold,

to think that I accused him
of being unfaithful,

when actually, his motives
were so unselfish,

so noble.

That's one heck of a guy
you got there, Judy.

When they made George Kimball,

they threw away the mold.

(SOBBING)

Oh, still no answer.

I'm really through
with Dr. Morrissey.

Me, too.

At a time like this, he goes
fishing, Hippocratic oath and all.

(BLOWING NOSE)

You just wait till I see him.

Sit up, sweetheart. Come on.

It's good and hot.

All right, now back. Okay?

You know, Judy,
you really surprise me.

Do I?
Mmm-hmm.

You've always been so dependent,

and here you are, taking this like
a Trojan, handling everything.

Darling, I've never
had to do it before.

You're the one who always
took care of everything.

You know something?
What?

If I had known
it would be like this,

I would have told you
I was dying right away.

George, you should have.

Promise you'll never keep
anything like that from me again.

And I won't.

We certainly had wonderful
times, haven't we?

So wonderful.

Remember that little Chinese
restaurant just off Grant Avenue?

Yes. Where we first met.

Met? It was a pickup.

It was not.
Was too.

You were just sitting there all alone
trying to decide what to order,

and I just walked over.

And you walked up and you said,

"Excuse me, I'm having
dinner with two friends,

"and we're entitled
to wonton soup,

"and barbequed ribs
and almond duck.

"But if we have a fourth,

(CHUCKLING) "we also get
chicken Canton and..."

You see?

Yeah, I guess it was a pickup.

(DOORBELL DINGING)

Be right back, sweetheart.

Hi, there.
I saw your lights on,

so I thought I'd just drop by and
see if you folks wanted some fish.

No, thank you, Ralph.

Please, Judy, you've got
to take them off my hands.

I've got a whole
carload out there.

Oh, really, Ralph?
How nice for you.

And isn't it wonderful
that you can just

forget everything
and go off like that?

Yeah, it doesn't
happen very often.

Fortunately, I had
nothing urgent to keep me.

So, I thought...
Nothing urgent? The fact...

The fact that you have a patient
who may be dying isn't urgent?

What?

Look, all I can say is, Ralph,

that I have never... I have
never been so disillusioned

with anyone in my whole life.

And you may as well
know the truth.

I'll tell you
straight to your face, Ralph.

I'm taking you off the case.

You're taking me off what case?

That's right.

I don't know. I guess I've just
been out in the hot sun too long.

The fact that you perhaps did not
want to tell me is one thing.

But to go off and
leave George when he's...

(SOBBING) Dying.

Oh, Ralph!

Did I hear you right, Judy?

Did you say George was dying?

Oh, stop it, Ralph!

Stop pretending with me.
I know all about it.

And I'm flying him to the Mayo
Clinic first thing in the morning.

But...

(LAUGHING)

Ralph Morrissey, how can you
laugh at a time like this?

I have encountered many a
hypochondriac in my time,

but never anyone
like that boy of yours.

Ralph, do you mean
that it isn't true?

He had a complete physical
checkup just two weeks ago.

I know he did.

George Kimball
will outlive us all,

unless he worries
himself to death.

Then there's
nothing wrong with him?

Absolutely nothing.

I told him that
in my office on Friday.

(EXCLAIMS)

How could he do
a thing like this to me?

Why would he say he was dying?

I don't know.
I am not a psychiatrist.

Although, the next time around,
I might get into that.

Boy, they make a fortune!

What possible reason
could he have?

Well, maybe he...

I don't know!

Why would he say
a thing like this to me?

Of course...

Of course!

What?

I'll tell you why.

Because I suspected him
of having an affair

with another woman, that's why.

And when I accused him of it,

he thought he could cover it
up with this ridiculous lie.

Now, Judy, my advice to any
wife in these circumstances

is just to try and forget it.

Forget it?

Although, to the best of my knowledge,
nobody's ever accepted that advice.

And I'm not about
to be the first.

That's what I thought.

Judy, wouldn't you
like these fish?

They're awfully good for you!

No, I hate fish!

Then I guess I'll just have to

eat the little
fellows myself then.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling, are you
having another nightmare?

No, I...

There, sweetheart.

I think somebody...
Somebody hit me.

It's all right,
darling, I'm here now.

It's such a hot night, I thought
I'd slip into something cool.

Yes...

I'm suddenly very warm.

And damp.

Oh, there, you poor angel!

Isn't that the perfume I gave
you for our anniversary?

Almost.

It's the one I exchanged for the one
you gave me for our anniversary.

It's such a hot night.

George?

Remember our fifth anniversary?

Remember? I made notes.

We came home right after dinner.

It was a night
just like tonight.

With a full moon.

We had champagne on the patio.

Isn't it a shame
we can't do the same tonight?

Why not?

Darling, your condition.

You don't have the strength.

Oh, believe me, somewhere
I'll find the strength.

Well, I think there's a bottle of
champagne in the refrigerator.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Darling, didn't we have music?

No, but I think
I hummed a little.

You're sweet, Judy. I really
don't need a wheelchair.

Oh, darling, you need
to conserve your strength.

(SINGING)
You're a sweetheart...

(HUMMING)

Judy.

Judy! Judy, let me...
Let me in!

Judy, what's going on?

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Judy!

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Will you let me in?

Will you stop that
banging down there?

What are you doing?

You'll wake up the dead!

But, Judy, what's wrong?

Ask Linda Bullard!

What'd you do that for?
Will you let me in?

Judy, I swear to you,
please let me in,

or I'll catch my death
of a cold.

Good, and be sure
to give it to Linda!

Oh, my cold pills.

Hey, George. Hey. Thanks.

Will you open up the door?

You want to come in?
Yes.

I'll open the door.

I love champagne, George.

How did you know
that I ran out of booze?

How'd you get so wet?

Oh, shut up.
Get me a pair of dry pajamas.

Listen, I just finished
writing your eulogy.

Let me read it to you.
It'll cheer you up.

No, I don't want to hear it.
Yes, you do, listen.

"They needed
a good sport in heaven,

"so they sent
for George Kimball.

"Yes, George
Pomerton Kimball..."

Arnold!
"The best..."

Arnold, I don't wanna hear it.

Well, we're rather testy,
aren't we?

Yes, we certainly are.

Well...

Well, I guess I'll have
to make a little change here.

"Unfailing good humor."

Sorry, George.

Judy has thrown me
out of the house.

Judy, George?

Thrown you out
of the house, George?

Why, George?

Is this the best you've got?

Yes, till the laundry comes
back, that's all I've got.

I know Judy, George.

She wouldn't do that
without some reason.

Well, she happened to see a woman
kissing me in the checkroom.

Aha!

"Faithful and
devoted husband."

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It was all perfectly innocent.

Well, it's too long
a story to go into now.

I'm gonna sleep
in the kids' room, okay?

It's being painted
while they're at camp.

You'll have to shack up with me.

Oh, marvelous!

The least a man can ask of
life is to die in his own bed.

Which side of the bed
do you sleep on?

I sleep right here. Ruth
sleeps next to the window.

So does Judy.

What are you doing?

I like fresh air
when I'm sleeping.

I will not be poisoned
by damp night air.

"Courtesy and
consideration for others."

Egad, you've got cold feet!

Complaints, complaints,
nothing but complaints!

I could complain a little,
too, you know!

You ever cut your toenails?

There she is,

probably sleeping
peacefully by now.

And she has the nerve
to accuse me of... Me?

I don't know, George.

Methinks you complain too much.

Don't you give me that
holier-than-thou routine.

I remember
in Miami last February,

you weren't just making goo-goo
eyes at that waitress.

(CHUCKLING)

I have a good mind to tell
Ruth when she gets back.

"Loyal friend."

Keep it up, buddy.

You're gonna have the
shortest eulogy on record.

(RINGING)

(YAWNING)

Hello.

Who?

What?

Yeah,

Douglas 2-O-O-2-4.

Hey, that's my number!

That's what he wanted.
Who?

Winnie. Winnie Burr.

Winnie Burr? What'd you
give it to him for?

(TELEPHONE RINGING
IN DISTANCE)

(RINGING)

Yes?

Hi, Winnie.

I heard the horrible...

Well, I'm just heartbroken.

Who told you?

The milkman?

Yes, Winnie, I'm afraid
it's all too true.

No, no, no... I don't think there's
anything you can do to patch it up.

Well I...

I guess the next few weeks
will be tough.

JUDY: Lonely?

I imagine I will be.

Quiet drink?

Tonight?

Look, Winnie,
will you call me back later?

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Kimball.

You'll have to excuse me
for laughing, Mr. Kimball,

but, you know, for a doomed
man you sure look great.

How did you...

Dr. Morrissey told me. I made my
first delivery there this morning.

Would you see that Mr. Nash gets that?
Thank you very much.

You know,
they look better on him.

Milkman! Good morning.

Of course I'm glad
I'm going to live.

But it's just one lousy way
of finding out, that's all.

I know you told me
there was nothing wrong.

But you doctors should have a way of
telling a patient there's nothing wrong,

so he's really sure
there's nothing wrong!

Does Judy know?

What?

Oh, she thinks I'm
covering up an affair.

No, I don't want any fish!

I took out so much last night, I
think I'd better put some back in.

Forget it.

Oh, what's the matter, George?

I'm going to live.

That's the way to talk, George.
That's the old fight...

No, no. You don't understand.

I just found out from Dr. Morrissey
that I'm perfectly all right.

There's not a single
thing wrong with me.

You mean, you're really not dying, George?
That's right.

Why, that's wonderful.

Oh, thank heavens, George.

What was it? A mistake in the X-rays?
They discover a new drug?

No, the whole thing was a
complete misunderstanding.

It was all my fault.
It was?

But you told me
the old ticker...

I know I told you,
but I was wrong

and I'm sorry.

Well, you should be!

Damn it!

I've been drinking for
three days on account of you.

I'm just beginning to sober up.

And, on top of that,
I spent two days

and two nights
writing your eulogy.

And now you tell me
you're not even dying!

I'm sorry.

Well, I feel like an idiot!

Crying, and drinking,
and writing, and mowing.

Arnold, I said I'm sorry.

This is a horrible thing to put a
fellow through! Your best friend.

News flash, she's packing
to leave for Reno.

Listen, he's got to go sometime.

GEORGE: Your loving husband,
the late George Kimball.

When was that
dashed off, George?

Right after you concocted
that wild bit

about your number being up?

No, Judy, I...

To have an affair is bad enough,

but for you to think that you can
cover it up with that ridiculous lie!

When I think how you almost
made a fool of me...

I was taking him
to the Mayo Clinic.

You were a real brick, Judy.

Look, I'll tell my wife
when she's a brick.

Bert, you're a man.
What did he hope to gain?

Wouldn't he know that he'd
be found out eventually?

Ridiculous story.

I mean, when he says he's
dying and he doesn't die.

Couldn't he see that
I'd get suspicious?

Judy, I told you, once the doctor
gave me some pills to take,

I went to get some water... What
did he hope to get out of this?

Oh, I don't know, Judy, sooner or
later he'd probably come to you

with that old story about
a mistake in the X-rays

or the discovery of a new drug.

That's a lie! And I
would've believed it, too.

It's all very simple,
isn't it, Bert?

But one thing went wrong,
didn't it, George?

The doctor went fishing
and he wasn't around

to back up your little story
about the old ticker.

Right, and by accident, you happened
to see Dr. Morrissey first.

Exactly!

Do you mind
if I put some clothes on?

Why can't you wear shoes
like everybody else?

Well, she's really leaving me.

Tonight, the window stays open.

Arnold, you're a lawyer, right?
Right.

You've seen these things, right?
Right.

When a man's wife
thinks he's having an affair,

how can he
convince her he's not?

He can't.
But I'm not having one.

Doesn't make any difference.

Isn't a man innocent
until proven guilty?

Look, boy, you're
dealing with your wife.

You can forget the constitution.

You mean there's
nothing I can do?

There is one thing.
What?

Confess. And ask her
to forgive you.

Forgive me? For what?
For having an affair.

When I'm not having one?
That's right.

Look, I've heard
of guys lying out of it,

but I'd be the first guy
to lie into it.

Face the facts. You know you're
not having an affair, right?

Right. But your wife
is sure you are.

So why be stubborn?
Admit it.

Well, I don't know.

Judy loves you.
Anyway, she's used to you.

But she's a woman,
and now what woman

doesn't want to see
her husband crawl a little?

Do you really think
it would work?

Absolutely!

Most women spend all their lives

trying to get something
on their husbands,

and here you are
laying it in her lap.

She'll eat it up.

All right, Arnold,
I'll take your advice.

I'll confess to her
that I've had an affair,

beg her forgiveness,
and that'll be that.

Isn't that easy.

I'm confessing.
What more does she want?

Plenty.

They always want to know,
who was she?

What does she look like?

How old is she? Do you love her?
Where did you take her?

Did any of Judy's friends
see you together?

They ask all that?

Yes.

And what is most important,
was it...

Was it worth it?

Was it?

No, no matter how great it was,

you've gotta say
it wasn't so good.

I couldn't answer
all those questions.

You've got to. You know what'll
happen if you hem and haw?

What?

She'll think instead of having one
affair, you're having dozens,

and you can't keep them all
straight in your mind.

No, sir,
when she asks questions,

you've got to snap out
those answers like that.

Just like that?

I'm telling you what can
happen when you cop a plea.

Well, I'm not copping a plea.
I'm an innocent man.

(CAR HONKING)

Arnold, she's really leaving!

Judy!

I gotta stop her. Wait, wait!
Let's take my car.

All right, Arnold. Hey!

Arnold! Arnold!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Remember, just confess.

Confess to the whole thing.

Lay it on good and thick.
She'll eat it up.

(HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Judy. Judy,
don't leave on that train.

George, let go of me.

Please, don't do anything rash!

I wanna confess, I've been lying to you
and I've decided to tell you the truth.

And I wanna bring it all out in
the open and confess everything,

and then beg for
your forgiveness.

Judy, please.

I... I was right.
You are having an affair.

Yes, and I'm a rat.
Oh, you are!

Yes. Judy, please.
Please. Please, Judy.

Let go of me, George.
Get off of me.

Judy, isn't it better
to discuss it,

clear the air, and act
like civilized people?

Oh, yes, it is better. Oh, it's better,
dear. Believe me, much better.

It happened to me. I've had
a lot of experience...

Will you keep out of this?

All right, let's discuss it.

Oh, you'd better ask questions.

I'll just snap out the answers.

All right. Who is she?

And it isn't Linda Bullard.

It isn't Linda?
No, it isn't.

I spoke to Linda
on the phone this morning,

and she told me all
about Winston Burr.

As a matter of fact,
he called me, too.

But that's beside
the point, George.

Well, who is she?

Her name is Dolores.

Dolores who?

Dolores...

Yellowstone.

Dolores Yellowstone?

Yes.

Where did you meet her?

At a health food restaurant. She
asked me to pass the wheat germ.

Is she young?

Yes.

Well, what is she, a chorus girl,
or a stripper, or something?

Certainly not!
She's a marine biologist

and she works at the aquarium.

Did any of my friends
see you two together?

Of course not.

By the way, she wasn't
worth all the trouble.

Oh, who asked you for that?

No one. I just threw
it in. Sort of a bonus.

When are you going to see her again?
Never.

Never. Never. It's all over.
Finished.

We've broken up.

After what you've told me, do
you expect me to believe that?

Well, it's true.

George Kimball, don't you know

I can always tell
when you're lying?

I'm telling you the truth.

I'm never going
to see her again.

I repent, I've turned
against her, I loathe her.

I don't believe
you've broken up.

Not for one minute
do I believe you.

It's true.
Dolores has left town.

I sent her away to New York,
to start a new life.

What do you mean you sent her?

Well, she didn't want to go.

I mean, because she was broke.

I insisted that she go.
Yes, I did. I insisted.

I gave her the money
and I put her on that plane.

Oh, really, George?
Yes.

Just how much money
did you give her?

Well, I...
I don't remember exactly.

Yes, I do.
I'll prove it to you.

Here it is,
a check made out to cash.

$1,000, and that's
the end of Dolores.

Oh, what?

And you were nagging me about
the price of Virginia ham!

But it was worth it
to save our marriage.

Well, it won't work,

I'll tell you that right now.

What do you mean, not now?

While I was out there
waiting to buy a ticket.

I was on my way to see
a lawyer, that's what.

And then I started to think,
am I doing the right thing?

George has never
lied to me before

and maybe I should give him the
benefit of the doubt and believe him.

So I didn't buy a ticket.

But now that you've confessed,
George, it's all over.

I can't live with you
another minute.

There's just no love left.

I feel nothing for you, but...

Pity.

Yes...

I certainly am to be pitied.

I don't suppose
it would do any good

if I denied the whole thing
all over again?

What?

If I told you
I never had another woman,

and I just made up this whole
confession, hoping you'd forgive me?

Please, George, don't.
Don't do it.

You'd only show your contempt
for my intelligence.

Judy...
I'm going home to pack.

And don't you try to follow me!

Goodbye, George.

ARNOLD: George?

George?
Where are you, George?

There you are, George.

Well? Well, it worked, huh?

I told you to confess,
and it worked.

It didn't work?
Not even a little bit?

It was a total failure, right?

Let me see if I can guess.
You're going to hit me, right?

No, you're not going
to hit me, are you, George?

But you're gonna hurt me a
lot, aren't you, George?

But don't. Don't, George.
George, please!

George? George, please.

(DOORBELL DINGING)

(DOORBELL DINGING)

Excuse me, is Mr. Kimball at home?
No, he's not.

Are you Mrs. Kimball?

Yes, I am.
But I'm very busy right now.

If you don't mind, I'll
just handle these with you.

This is the deed.

And since he gave us his check
for $1,000 made out to cash,

I thought he should
have this receipt.

He gave you a $1,000 check?

Yes, he did.

For what?

Why, for your plot
in Green Hills.

Say, you must get your hubby
to run you up there on Sunday.

It's lovely now.
Everything's in bloom.

Just a minute, please.

You're telling me that my
husband bought a cemetery plot?

Yes. Didn't he tell you?

No.

Oh, doggone it.
I could tear my tongue out.

He wanted this to be a surprise.

Hope this doesn't take the
joy out of it for you.

No, no. Not at all.

So, he did make up that
confession, didn't he?

There is no other woman.

No!

No!

But we did make arrangements
for another man.

Yes, Mr. Kimball was
very thoughtful.

He made provisions
for a second husband.

It's a very unique idea.
In fact, we're using it

in our next
advertising campaigns.

I just hope Mr. Kimball
won't be angry

because I let all this slip out.

Oh...

I've got it, Mr...
Akins.

Suppose we don't tell him?
Now, you just take these

and mail it to him, okay?

And that way he'll never know
that I found out.

Good! Then he can still
surprise you. Yes.

Oh, you're a good egg! Thank you.
Thank you, Mrs. Kimball.

Thank you, Mr. Akins.
I'm sorry.

Don't worry,
I'll slip out the back.

Bye.

And don't be a stranger.

Will you at least let me
drive you to the station?

Suppose I told you that I've
changed my mind about leaving you?

What about my affair
with Dolores?

I've decided
to forgive you, George.

You have?

Yes.

(DOORBELL DINGING)

Yes.

Don't you move.

(LAUGHING)

Hi... George!

Who was that?

It was the florist. Sort of.

(SHOUTS)
Oh, George, what was that?

A thorn.

We have any iodine anywhere?

No.