All language subtitles for sirens.2014.s02e04.transcendual.480p.web-dl.x264-mrs

- If you were a superhero

and you could pick
your superpower,

would you rather be able
to turn yourself invisible

or fly?

- Fly.

- You're not even gonna
give that any thought?

- Oh, I've given it
a lot of thought.

I think it would be super cool
to pick up and fly.

Come on, whenever, wherever.

- You realize
if you were invisible,

you could see anyone you wanted
naked.

- You realize that
if I could fly

I could see anyone I wanted
naked.

Hey, how you doing?
First time here?

What's your sign?
I can fly.

Oh, you're dating Derek Jeter?

That's sweet.
I can fly.

- Okay, good point.
Point taken.

- Chicago north,
ambulance needed.

939 west north.

- Ambulance 14 responding.
[Siren wails]

- don't get me wrong,
I would love to fly,

but I think I would have
to go with invisibility.

Mostly for its crime-fighting
possibilities.

- Sounds kind of sneaky to me.

- Yeah, very sneaky.
- Sneaky, that's good.

That's why I'd be invisible too.
- Yeah.

- I'd fly.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- Where's our customer?

- He's on the third floor
near the weight machines.

I'll meet you up there.

- Oh.
- What's going on?

- Wait, what's--

- it's just a routine check.

Nothing to worry about.

Hey...Half price
wheatgrass shots right now

at the juice bar, huh?

- Third floor?
How big is this place?

- Considering the whole
first floor was a juice bar?

- I scoped this place out
when I was looking for a gym.

It is crazy expensive.

I wouldn't pay that much
for rent.

And I know
what you're gonna say.

"Brian, you don't pay rent; You
still live with your parents.

Do you even know how much
rents are going for these days?"

And to you, I would say,
"if rent is anywhere

near what it costs to go to
this gym, no, thank you, rent."

My gym is the cheapest gym
in the city.

It's great,
and it's always open.

Well, sometimes they close it
for quinceañeras on the weekend.

Sometimes it just
mysteriously shuts down

for days at a time,
but it always comes back.

- This is the most hot women
I've ever seen in Chicago,

period,
let alone in one place.

- There are women here?

'Cause all I see are
beautiful, beautiful men.

- This is the first time
I ever wanted to do that thing

they do in cartoons
where they rub their eyes

and open them again
just to make sure

what they're looking at
is really happening.

Oh, screw it.
I'm gonna do it anyway.

[Babbles, then laughs]

This is real, Hank.
- It's real.

- This is real.
- Mm-hmm, it's happening.

- Guys!
- Huh?

- Over here.
- Right.

- [Groans]

- It's this asshole's fault.

Machine isn't calibrated.

- Sir, if you could just
keep your voice down--

- I will not keep it down!

With the prices I pay,
I expect proper calibration!

This is not properly calibrated.

- Okay, guys, we're looking

at a third-degree groin tear,
possibly.

- Mm-hmm.

- You better lawyer up,
'cause I'm coming for you.

You are gonna pay.
[Groans]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Cold, cold.

Ahh.
- Give it a minute.

Give it a minute.
Give it a minute.

- [Hisses]

- What's your name?
What's your name?

- Lance.
- Really, Lance?

Lance.
- Yeah, why?

- You just don't look
like a Lance.

Never would've guessed.

- What are lances
supposed to look like?

- Lance Armstrong, Lance bass,
Lance Burton.

- Who?

- Magician, he retired in 2010
at his absolute prime.

Anyways, it just seems
that all lances share a certain,

I don't know,
aerodynamic body type.

- You're saying
I'm not aerodynamic enough

to be a Lance?

- It's not a bad thing.

You'd smoke those guys
in upper body strength.

- Yeah, I would.

Especially Armstrong.
Bicycle bitch.

- Uh, but, Lance, I'm noticing
that you've got this leg press

awfully fully loaded.

- Yeah, so?

I can handle it.
- Really?

- When the machine
is calibrated right.

- Really?

That's a lot of weights.

- I know,
but I like to push myself.

That's how you get strong.

- You know, Lance,
sometimes the strongest thing

a man can do is admit when
he's carrying too much weight.

- Sometimes I do push myself
too hard, I guess.

- That's the amazing thing
about the human body, Lance.

It'll let you know
when you need to slow down.

You just got to listen to it,
am I right?

- I've just been running
too hard for too long, man.

- Yeah, yeah, it's okay.
Right, guys?

- Uh-huh.

- [Mouths words]

- Unlimited passes to
the sexiest gym on the planet.

Brian, you're the freaking man.

- You're the champ.

- Can I sit shotgun tomorrow?
- No.

- You know, that gym is gonna
be my new home away from home.

We were there for, what,

like, ten minutes,
and I saw side boob, top boob,

and if I'm not mistaken,
a little under-boob.

And I got to say,
that's a special treat.

Did you notice that?
- I did not notice that.

But did anyone else happen
to clock all the d'Angelo vs

just walking around?

- What are d'Angelo vs?

- You know, when the dude's got
abs so ripped,

they get that v-shape
right here.

First time I saw it was
in a d'Angelo music video

from, like, 15 years ago.

He was all naked
and alone in the dark, sweating,

for some reason spinning.

And he had those abs so ripped,

looked like a sexy g.I. Joe.

- don't want to talk about that.

- Well, I don't want
to talk about under-boob.

I don't care for it.
- What about asses?

- Well, I love asses.
- Everyone loves asses.

- You're right.
Everyone loves asses.

- We can all agree on asses.

- Asses are
the sexual town square.

- Asses unite us.

- ♪ We got free passes
to check out some fine asses ♪

♪ gonna get my opera glasses
to look at all them butts ♪

- Them what?
- Butts.

- Mm.
- Butts.

- Mm.
- Butt-butt-butt-butt-butts.

- Ah!
- [Chuckles]

- You guys,
I didn't notice any butts.

- Huh?
- Not one.

- You're gonna tell me
you didn't check out

one girl on that call?

- No.
Whoa.

You guys, I think
all this not having sex with voo

might have done something to me.

- What, you think that dating
an asexual made you butt-blind?

- I don't know, but something's
definitely different.

- You can't change
your sexuality.

- How do you know, Hank?

- Just let it--just--

- I don't know if it's
that I've changed my sexuality,

more like transcended it.

Yeah, I think that's it.

I am a transcendual.

- Okay, what exactly
does that mean?

- Means that, well,
I was born sexual like you guys,

and then I just--
I sort of...

- That makes sense.
- So you--and you just--see?

He came up here, like, above us.
- Yeah, above us.

- And I got to tell you guys,
I'm excited.

Back when I was sexual,
it was hard

to even get
through a magazine.

Our culture is just constantly

assaulting us
with attractive people.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, culture. Mm.

- Some of these girls aren't
even wearing thongs

or anything,
I'm telling you.

- Oh, shh, shh.
- Hey.

- What up, guys?
- What's up, y'all?

- Oh, Brian is a transcendual.
- Oh, that's dope.

I didn't know that about you.
- What?

- Are you gonna change
your name?

- Oh, no,
he didn't say transsexual.

He said transcendual.
- Hmm.

- I don't know what that is,
but that's cool too, man.

I got mad respect
for self-identification.

- What are you guys doing here?

- A witness interview
for a hit-and-run.

What are you guys up to?

- We got free lifetime passes
to the big gym in Lincoln park.

- The fancy gym?
- Yeah.

- No way!

Michelle Obama goes to that gym.

- Mm-hmm, her body is
♪ fine ♪

- I have been wanting
to go there forever,

but it's just
so goddamn expensive, so--

- I know.
It sucks.

And obviously
I'd love to work out

with my beautiful girlfriend
next to me the whole time,

but we only got
these three passes,

and like you said,
it's crazy expensive.

So it's just
one of those things, I guess.

Tough break.

- She can have mine.
- Hmm?

- Yeah, I mean,
I don't need it anymore

now that I'm transcendual
and I don't see hotness.

- Do you mind explaining
this whole transcendual thing?

- Yo, t,
don't ask too many questions.

You may say something
offensive or stupid.

- Whatever.
Uh, fancy gym--

let's go tonight
after work, huh?

- Great.
- Great.

Okay, well, we have to go.

But thank you, Brian.

- Brian--
- I support you.

- Thank you, buddy.
That means everything.

- Yeah, you're everything.

- Solving problems.

- So close.

Just saw it and just smashed it.

Just smashed it.

- Did you hear anything
I said up there?

- Oh, what a day.
We're off to a good start.

- We're off to a sh---y start.
- Here we go.

Here we go.
- He's hopping.

- You know how you said
we could never really be

boyfriend-girlfriend because
you're asexual and I'm not,

and it wouldn't work out
in the long term

because eventually one
or both of us would get hurt?

- Yeah, I remember
having that conversation

several hundred times.

- Well, I have
some pretty big news.

I have transcended my sexuality.

- Okay.

So you think that you are never
gonna want to have sex again?

- Yep.

- That it's not something you're
ever gonna be thinking about?

- Correct.

- Great.

Strip club.

We're going to the strip club.
Who's in?

- Can't, banned.
Citywide.

Also in Skokie.

Do not ask.
- Girlfriend.

- Gay.
- Lame.

Cash?
- No, thank you.

Strip clubs are for young men
who lack imagination.

My age, I can rub up
against a cool breeze

and get excited.

The crack of dawn
turns me on, baby.

[Laughs]

Or sometimes just a perfectly
ripe tomato will do the trick.

Now the whole world
is my strip club.

- don't look at me.
I hate strip clubs.

- Oh, I hear that.
They bum me out.

All them single moms
dancing to feed their kids.

Every time I've gone, I end up
dropping more bills in g-strings

than the straight men.

I'd put school supplies in there
too if there was room.

- No, it's not that
they bum me out.

Ah, it's just--well,
I'm kind of a stripper magnet.

- Explain.

- In detail.

- I wish I could.

There is just something about me

that makes strippers want to
start unloading their problems.

And trust me,
these girls have problems.

So it's not all glitter
and glamour like you think.

- Looks like it's just
you and me, kid.

- Can't believe
Theresa's coming.

This was gonna be
our special place.

It's perfect.
- I know.

It's like a gay bar and
a straight bar rolled into one,

except everybody's wearing

tighter clothes
and less of them.

- Take all the fun out of it.

Now I got to worry
about all these shallow scumbags

checking out my girl--
oh, my god.

Check out pink shorts.

That is a rock-solid ten.

- Maybe she's a ten
on the street,

but in here,
that girl's a seven at best.

- What?

If that's a seven,
show me a dime.

- That angel right over there
doing leg lifts.

Lifting my spirits.

He's a ten.
- That guy?

I mean, his body, sure,
but his face is kind of jowly

is all I'm saying.

- He has a face?

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Purple top.

Her boobs are, um,

I'm gonna use the word buoyant.
- Ooh, nice word choice.

- Thank you. You like it?
- Yes.

- Want to hear another one?
- Please.

- Black shorts, black top.

Her ass?
- Hit me.

- Tidy.
- [Laughs]

Ooh, what about her ass?

- Okay, well, her--

do you know Latin? 'Cause--
- hey, guys.

- Whoa, hey, Theresa.
- Hey.

- What's going on?

Here she is.

Now the fun can start.
- Yeah.

- You look so pretty today.
So pretty.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- Way to stroll, guys.

- [Laughs] Yeah.

- Come on!
[Laughs]

Oh, my god, look at the girl
in the purple top.

- What? Where?
- The one with the perky boobs.

Check out her triceps.

I could do a hundred dips a day

and never have triceps
like that.

- You've got amazing triceps.

Doesn't she, Hank?
- Uh-huh.

- And her ass.
[Whistles]

She must do squats in her sleep.

She's gorgeous.

- No one's hotter
than you, baby.

- Stop complimenting me.

It's weird.

- Oh, excuse me.

I just remembered
there's a steam room

that I'm hoping
involves some very clear steam.

- Hey.

- What?
- Check out that girl.

She's cut.

There are no women like that
at the cop gym.

It's inspiring.

Makes me want to up
my workout game, you know?

I'm gonna come here every night.
- Oh, cool.

That's so cool.

What about that book club--

- honey, who do you think
has better muscle tone?

Yellow sneakers or side braid?

- I'm sure I have no idea.

- Oh, you can't see those girls
either?

- I don't come to the gym
to check out women.

- Neither do I.

Doesn't hurt to look
while I'm here.

- You don't check out the guys?

- No, that's what
I go to whole foods for.

- What?

- Come on,
yellow sneakers, side braid, go.

- I'm not answering this.

- You are really taking the fun
out of fancy gym, you know that?

- Wh--

- it's yellow sneakers,
by the way.

[r&b music]

♪ ♪

- How is this even legal?

- They're not even topless,
Brian.

- Not that.
$10 for a water.

$3 for a lemon slice.

This is--[Scoffs]
This is robbery.

- Excuse me,
we need a stripper over here.

- Oh, and sure,
they give you free peanuts

because they want you
to buy the water.

I know what they're doing.

I'm not gonna let them win.

- My friend here
will have one lap dance, please.

- Awesome.

What's your name?
- Brian.

Excuse me, miss,
but I just have to ask.

How much is a burger here?
- I don't know.

I don't eat here.

- She wants you to put money
in there.

- Oh, yeah.
I only have a 20.

Do you happen to have
any change or...

- I'm dancing pretty hard
for you here.

I could really use
some encouragement.

- Okay.

All right.
Uh...

- What the hell, man?
- Okay, forget him.

New plan.
Do me.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

How about this, Brian?
Huh?

A little girl-on-girl action?

Is this doing anything for you?

- Oh, excuse me, miss,

but is her dance gonna be extra?

- Yeah.
Two lap dances, two people.

That's 80 bucks.
- 80 doll--[Coughs]

- Hey, this guy needs a water.

- [Coughing]
No, no, no!

I'm fine.
- Okay.

- No water.
[Coughs]

- I mean, that girl has
the best thighs I've seen

since Serena Williams.

Powerful but lean.
What do you think?

- I think she has nice thighs.

I bet she even has a nice brain.
- Oh, please.

- I'm sorry, I'm not talking
about another woman's thighs

with my girlfriend--
it's weird.

- Oh, right,
but it would be less weird

if you came to the gym
and checked out girls with Hank?

- Yeah, honestly, it would be.

There are certain things
you just don't talk about

with the person
you're in a relationship with.

- Oh, come on.

- I'm sorry.
It's a slippery slope.

I certainly don't want to know
what you think about other guys.

- That is
because you feel threatened.

[Laughs]
- Yeah, and that's normal.

How come you
don't feel threatened

about me
looking at other women?

- 'Cause at the end
of the day,

I know
you're coming home with me.

Tell me that girl
doesn't have amazing abs.

- Slippery slope, baby.

It's a slippery slope.
- We have to leave.

We have to leave right now.
- Why?

- I was in the steam room,
and it was great at first.

I was checking out
all the hot guys.

All the hot guys were checking
out all the other hot guys.

And then I noticed
no one was checking out me.

No one has checked me out
since I stepped foot

in this gym, Johnny.

On the streets of Chicago, I'm
a tall, handsome drink of water.

In here, I'm just tall.

- I am sure
someone has checked you out.

- I don't know.

- I'm sure
we have all been checked out.

- I don't know.
Look around.

This place is
a total meat market.

And we just vegetables.

- I always get checked out
at the cop gym,

by men and women.
- Yeah, that's the cop gym.

Look around.
This is a whole other level.

- What is the matter
with you two?

Why can't you just
enjoy the view?

Why do you have to know
that you're on the menu?

- Because the gym is where I go
to--to feel good about myself.

- Right, it's a whole boost.

- You want to feel good
about yourself,

go to Navy pier or the zoo.

It's a bunch of fat people
eating funnel cakes.

- Not for nothing,

even straight girls check me out
at the gym sometimes.

- You know what?

It's because John and I have
been together the whole time.

- Okay.
- Oh.

Am I bringing down
your average?

- Give me some space, babe.
God.

- Go, soar.

- Oh, off the shoulder, okay.

- Oh, yeah.
There she goes.

- Oh.
- She moved down.

Oh, she's mooning the guy
next to her.

She's backing the moon
into his face.

- Okay, just--

- oh, is that a yawn?
- Ooh.

- He looked at her ass
and yawned.

- Oh, girl, you know that hurt.

- Oh, she's not giving up,
though, is she?

- Ooh, girl.

- Oh, I think she might have
pulled something there.

She's gonna
go for the dual cable cross.

- That's right.
Shake it off, girl.

Shake it off. You can do it.
- Yeah.

This is
a classically sexy machine.

Dude--oh, here comes a guy--
and nothing.

- Oh.
- Swing and a miss.

Hey, sweetie,
let's go, honey.

- Give me a second!
- Nope, sweetie.

Let's go.

- No, just give me a minute.

- Just let her work through it.
I'll buy you a shot.

- One of those
wheatgrass things?

- Hell, no.
Tequila, it's a bar next door.

- Oh, maybe that can be
our special place.

Yeah, yeah, let's do it.
- Let's go. Yes.

- Screw fancy gym.

- Ahh.

Nothing tastes as good
as free.

Do you realize that
our whole meal is half the price

of one stripper water
with lemon?

- Cool.

- What's wrong, v.D.?

- Brian, I told you,
that is a terrible nickname.

- Sorry, voo-voo.

- You do know that voodoo
is already a nickname, right?

- I thought you'd be happier.

Now that I've proven
that I'm not sexual anymore,

we can officially be
boyfriend-girlfriend.

- Brian,
you didn't prove anything.

- I didn't get turned on
at the strip club.

- 'Cause you're cheap,
not 'cause you're asexual.

- Transcendual.

- This sucks.

I like you a lot.

And you clearly like me enough
to believe

that you could actually
change something very major

about yourself for me.

- I know
that you don't believe me,

but I think I really did change.

- Okay,

I didn't want to do this.

And know that this means
absolutely nothing for me,

but...

How you feeling over there?

- Feeling pretty transcendual.

- What's your phone number?

- Um, 312-4...
- No.

- 6--you know,

this really isn't fair
because cellular technology

has made remembering
phone numbers

a skill of the past.

This mean
that we're breaking up?

- It means we're not going
down the road

where we break up eventually.

- So we can't hang out
and talk anymore?

- We can still hang out
and talk.

- But we can't go to movies
together anymore?

- I mean, I still like movies.

- But we can't not have sex
after the movie anymore?

- We will still
not be having sex.

- So what, I'm just
supposed to be your friend

and do all the things
that we love to do together?

Instead of being celibate
with you,

I'm just supposed to go off
and have sex with other women?

- Yeah,
that's the basic summary.

- Oh.
- Here's the check.

And a two-for-one coupon
for the coffees.

I'm not supposed
to give them out,

but I just can't stand to see
anybody miss out on a bargain.

- Thank you.
I'm the same way.

- Just, um, don't tell my boss.

- Sorry.
- don't be, she's cute.

You should go ask
for her number.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And she seems like a cheap date.

- I just feel really weird, voo.

I'll just go pay.

And maybe I will thank her
for the coupon if that is okay.

- Yeah, of course.
Go.

- Hey, thank you so much
for this.

[Indistinct chatter]

20 should do it.
Thank you so much.

- Oh, it is nice
to be tens again.

- Maybe a ten
out in the regular world.

Here we are solid 12s.
- Mm.

Let's take a lap.

- Yeah.
- [Sighs]

Johnny's missing out.

I can't believe he's still going
to that superficial gym.

- [Laughs]
I know.

I'm so glad
that we gave our passes away.

Should we get a funnel cake?

- I think we earned it.

- One. Two.

- Well, I can definitely see
hotness again.

- Welcome back, Brian.
Sorry about voodoo, though.

- I think it'll be a while
before I'm ready to love again,

but I am ready to look again.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Lance,
what are you doing here?

You have a severe groin tear.

You should not be working out.

- People have been
telling me "no" my whole life.

It fuels me.
I thrive on it.

- And it shows, man.

You swoll as sh--.

Dang.
Your traps are crazy, bro.

They look like waterslides
down to your shoulders.

Yo, how you fit
into your shirts, bro?

- I've got a tailor,
this old Hungarian dude.

Used to fit frank Thomas.

- The big hurt?

Yo, drop me his card, bro.

- You guys
gonna be working out here?

- Lifetime passes.

- All right.

Let me know if you need a spot.

[Grunting]
- Oh, ow, ah. Lance?

No, Lance, be careful, please.

- Yo, check out that girl
right there.

- Oh, the one
in the sweatpants?

- Oh, yeah, man.

I just want to take that girl

to the farmers market
and pick out produce.

- Yeah, I can see that.

She has that look like she knows
exactly what's in season.

- Oh, man,
I can totally see myself

walking back
from the market with that girl,

holding hands,

bunches of kale sticking
out of our reusable bags.

- Then you get home, and she
makes you a little hot cocoa.

- Oh, she makes such good cocoa.

- Yeah,
and then it's snowing outside.

It's a little chilly.
- Yeah. Oh. Brr!

- You start snuggling
on the couch,

and then you just
bang her brains out, bro.

Marshmallows everywhere, dude.

[Sighs]

- Are we gonna do anything
besides the treadmill?

- No, man.
I tried the weight machines.

That sh-- ain't calibrated
right.

- Steam room?

- Steam room.

[Machines beep]

- Nice, 2.4.

Hey, girl.

What's up, bro?